#not always (infinity war and infinity crusade were dire)

[cantsayidont]

December 1977. Given how much Marvel has since pushed Adam Warlock, Thanos, and the Infinity Gems, it's somewhat ironic that Jim Starlin's original Warlock series was rather ignominiously canceled before the story was complete, leaving the conclusion to play out in THE AVENGERS Annual #7 and MARVEL TWO-IN-ONE Annual #2 in the fall of 1977, both magnificently illustrated by Starlin and Joe Rubinstein. Continuing the story into the latter Annual required Starlin to frame his finale as, improbably, a Thing/Spider-Man team-up, but it's Mar-Vell (whose series Starlin had also written and drawn for a while) who delivers the full-page eulogy for Adam Warlock, a minor Kirby character whom Roy Thomas and Starlin had transformed into a tortured cosmic figure, driven by truly existential angst.

Given that Thanos' plot in this story had involved using the combined power of the six Infinity Gems (here still called "Soul Gems") to blow "every star out of the heavens," leaving Adam's vampiric Soul Gem just lying on his grave seems a trifle irresponsible, but at this juncture, Warlock is dead, Thanos has been reduced to a literal monument to his own folly, and none of the survivors understands the full power of the gems. Also, they don't know that the souls of Adam Warlock, Gamora, and Pip the Troll, taken by the Gem before their deaths, now reside in the idyllic landscape of Soul World.

Starlin would subsequently write the end of Mar-Vell in the memorable THE DEATH OF CAPTAIN MARVEL graphic novel in 1982, which returned Thanos as a kind of psychopomp. Alas, Thanos subsequently became too commercially important a villain (in the comics and later in the dreary live-action movies) to ever stay dead or truly learn from his mistakes.

#comics #the avengers #marvel two in one #jim starlin #joe rubinstein #adam warlock #thanos #pip the troll #gamora #mar-vell #infinity gems #the general rule with thanos stories remains: #if starlin wrote it it might be good #especially if it has warlock in it #not always (infinity war and infinity crusade were dire) #but if starlin is NOT involved it will almost certainly suck #if you're wondering: the two worlds of which adam was the savior #were earth and counter-earth

[thelordofdarkreunion]

A List of Things the Scoundrels Are No Longer Allowed to Do

So, I have recently read “A List of Things Skippy Isn’t Allowed to Do in the Army” and “A List of Things Dr. Bright isn’t allowed to do at the SCP Foundation”, and I decided to do a version of my own.  Some of these are taken from these other two lists.  If anyone who reads this you has any ideas for the list, feel free to add them.  

The group known as the Magnificent Scoundrels has gotten a bit out of hand.  This list was compiled by Admiral Hackett of the Systems Alliance, Admiral Kelly of the GA, Fleet Admiral Hood of the UNSC, Inquisitor Vail of the Holy Inquisition, Commander Briggs of the Frontier Militia, Princess Leia of the New Republic, and Director Fury of SHIELD in order to curb the Scoundrels’ more dangerous or inappropriate behaviors.  These rules apply to all Scoundrels and their teams/crews.  

1.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to call SPARTAN super soldiers “big boys”.

2.  The Better Business Bureau is not the correct agency for handling people who smuggle Sith holocrons.

3.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to say the phrase “I am in need of a new host body” within earshot of Imperial Inquisitors.

4.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to bargain personnel for their “souls”.  Even if they say they can get you a good deal.

5.  Government equipment is not to be used to bootleg pornography.  

6.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to cite Kevin McCallister from Home Alone as a credible source for anti-personnel tactics in official documents.

7.  The rumor that Adam Vir wears heelies while in official dress uniform is a blatant lie.

8.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to send spam emails to Ceberus.  Even if it is funny.

9.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to apply mind control devices to major political figures.

10.  Thomas Drake is no longer allowed to use time travel devices.  Especially if his reasoning is to “screw with those history nerds.”

11.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use telepaths to alter or affect the outcomes of reality based television shows.

12.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to trade government property for liquor.

13.  “I was bored” is not a valid excuse.

14.  The Scoundrels are not allowed to begin a crusade without the written permission of the Imperial Inquisition.

15. Thanos is not to be referred to as “Biggy T”.

16.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use fan conventions as recruitment drives.

17.  Any proposal which includes the phrase “metric fuck load” is to be denied.

18.  The video game Doom is not a credible source.

19.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to allow Starfleet red shirts to be possessed by daemons or ancient Sith Lords.

20.  When researching time travel, please refer to the work of the IMC’s ARES Division or the Starfleet, not Doctor Who, Back to the Future, or Call of Duty Zombies.

21.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to to accept or use any of the following as currency:

           Your soul

           Anyone else’s soul

           Firstborn children

           Memories

           Memes

           Blood

           Organs

           Virginity

           Ponies

           Eldritch Artifacts

22.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to join any communist party for any reason.  (Note from Thomas Drake- Hell yeah.  Those guys suck.)

23.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to join any fascist party for any reason. (Note from Thomas Drake- Hell yeah.  Those guys suck too.)

24.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to join the Imperial Cult, unless they are an already practicing member.  (Note from Thomas Drake- LONG LIVE OUR GLORIOUS LEADER THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MAN AND IF YOU ARE AN INQUISITOR PLEASE NOTE I HAVE NEVER SAID ANYTHING BAD ABOUT THE EMPEROR EVER.)

25.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to taunt the Asari about how bad they are at fighting wars.

26.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to chew gum during staff meetings, unless they brought enough for everybody.

27.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to chew gum during staff meetings, even if they did bring enough for everyone.

28.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use Volus’s as bowling pins or bowling balls.

29.  While we do not have jurisdiction over him and thus cannot prevent their sale, none of the other Scoundrels are to purchase or proquire experimental drugs from Thomas Drake.  

30.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to imply that their superior officers served in World War II.  They aren’t that old.

31.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use military vehicles to “squish” things.

32.  Surprisingly enough, or, perhaps not, considering what’s on there, downloading the entirety of 4chan into a Geth Colossus did, in fact, shut it down.  

33.  Loudspeaker systems are not to be used to broadcast the soundtracks of porno movies.

34.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to drink copious amounts of food coloring before urine tests.

35.  When operating military vehicles, the Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt “something I saw in a cartoon”.

36.  Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs.  They will always do it.

37.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to make s’mores while on guard duty.

38.  The Illuminati are not a part of the chain of command.

39.  Pants are not optional parts of a dress uniform.

40.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.  (Note from Peter Quill- They were pretty cool though.)

41.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to call medics “Dr. Feelgood” unless Feelgood is the medic’s actual last name.

42.  The God-Emperor of Mankind is not to be referred to as “Big Daddy E” or “The Lord of Bling”.

43.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to take the batteries from other peoples alarm clocks.

44.  Unless you are a certified Titan Pilot, you are not allowed to pilot a Titan.

45.  Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

46.  “Challenge accepted” is not a valid excuse for anything.

47.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to claim that they are reincarnations of famous historical figures without proof.

48.  Thomas Drake is a human mercenary.  He does not possess any of the following:

          Laser eyes

          Laser nostrils

          Laser [CENSORED]

          An adamantium skeleton

          A map leading to “all of the Nazi gold”

          Mjolnir

          The Kronorium

          The Necronomicon

          The Book of Magnus

          “The touch”

          “The power”

          “The secret”

          “The 6th sense”

          The ability to distinguish between butter and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!

49.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to start theological debates between members of the Imperial Cult and the Covenant.

50.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to mock Stormtroopers of the Galactic Empire over how bad their aim is.  Even if their aim is bad.

51.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to hold “Jamaican vacation giveaways”. 

52.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sell counterfeit Infinity Stones.

53.  Pictures of other Scoundrels in compromising positions are not to be put on the internet.  Or the extra- or holo- net.

54.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to “water” Vrul.  While they do get their energy from photosynthesis, they are not plants.

55.  The Scoundrels are not “the final bosses” of anything.

56.  The Scoundrels must try not to antagonize SPECTREs, Inquisitors, or ODSTs.

57.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

58.  There are no evil clowns living under your bed.

59.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to form press gangs.

60.  The Scoundrels are not the kings or queens of cheese.

61.  If the thought of something makes you giggle for more than 15 seconds, you are to assume you aren’t allowed to do it.

62.  Crucifixes do not ward off superior officers, and you should not test that.  

63.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to mount bayonets on heavy machine guns.

64.  Try and keep all mockery of the press at an appropriate minimum.  

65.  You cannot imply your CO is possessed by anything.

66.  You cannot trade your CO to the Covenant.

67.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use government resources to waterproof dirty magazines.

68.  Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

69.  Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

70.  “I was drunk” is not a valid or appropriate excuse.

71.  Mandalorian armor is not part of any of our governments’ full dress uniforms.

72.  You should not yell “Kobe!” when blowing up enemy starships.  

73.  The “revolution” is not now.

74.  Unless you are in extremely dire circumstances, you are not allowed to eat your uniform.

75.  Body checking General officers is not a good idea.

76.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to tell police officers that belt-fed machine guns are “medicinal”.

77.  If you check the box marked “Other” on official documents, you have to fill it out.

78.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to fill prescription drug bottles with M&M’s or Mike and Ike’s.

79.  None of the Scoundrels possesses a name that, when spoken aloud, can kill.

80.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to challenge anyone to a duel.

81.  The proper response to a briefing is not “that’s what you think”.

82.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to end official reports with Sabaton lyrics.  Or lyrics from any metal band, for that matter.

83.  The phrase “to conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not to be said.

84.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to appeal to humanity’s baser instincts on recruitment posters.

85.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to N7’s Iron Eye Soldiers Space Marines janitors anyone as “the cool kids”.

86.  None of the Scoundrels have “won the internet” and are not authorized to declare that they or any other individual or individuals have done so.  

87.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use redacted data in official reports as “mad-libs”.

88.  The following are not appropriate sources for new crew members:

          Temp agencies

          Reality show talent pools

          “Orphans”

          “Urchins”

          “Ragmuffins”

          “Those sons of bitches who I know had a stacked deck”

          Ex-girlfriends

          Ex-boyfriends

          Ex-partners of any variation whatsoever

          Forum trolls

          “Angsty teens”

89.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sneak links to Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up into official reports.

90.  None of the Scoundrels possess “voodoo powers”.

91.  “Why not?” is not a valid excuse.

92.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to make masturbation jokes when in the presence of official dignitaries.

93.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to play the song Thriller when in the presence of anything that could be considered a zombie, which includes but is not limited to Curse of Unbelief victims, Vrul Zombies, and Reaper Husks.

94.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to say the phrase “elephant sauce”.

95.  “No shirt, no shoes, no service” does not imply that undergarments are unnecessary.

96.  The following words and phrases may not be used in marching cadence:

           Budding sexuality

           Necrophilia

          ��I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead

           Lubrication

           Your mama

           All Marines are latent homosexuals

          Tantric yoga

          Gotterdammerung

          We’ve all got jackboots now

          Any references to squid

97.  You can’t have flashbacks to wars you weren’t in.

98.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis the world is going to end, more than once.

99.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to take or place bets on what would happen if the Tyranids fought the Flood.

100.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use the Enterprise’s transporters to steal things.

101.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use the phrase “We fight for Mother Russia!”

102.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sing the National Anthem of the Soviet Union when entering or exiting buildings.

103.  Adam Vir is no longer allowed to claim that “PTSD is just spicy nostalgia.”

104.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to try and get kidnapped by the Dark Eldar.

105.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to try to figure out a way to bring back the Protheans and the Forerunners so they can fight each other.

106.  Drax the Destroyer is no longer allowed to claim that he can become invisible just by standing still.

107.  Please do not confuse the primarchs of the Turian Hierarchy with the Primarchs of the Imperium of Man.

108.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to Admiral Ackbar or any other member of the Mon Calamari race as “those calamari boys”.

109.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to address their superior officers as “bro”.

110.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to try and sell major political figures to Trazyn the Infinite.

111.  Peter Quill is not a god.

112.  Please refrain from using nicknames when referring to the Avengers, which includes but is not limited to calling Captain America “the spangly dude”, Thor “sparky guy”, Iron Man “my homie”, and Captain Marvel “Her”.

113.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use Titans as personal valets.

114.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to contact the Shadow Realm.

115.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to to steal artifacts from any of the following:

          Luke Skywalker

          Shadow Revenant

          The Collector

          Trazyn the Infinite

          General Marder

          The Adeptus Mechanicus

116.  Thomas Drake is not allowed to be near any weapon capable of producing an explosive force greater than ten megatonnes.

117.  Do not ever challenge a Klingon to a duel.

118.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to flip off Force ghosts.

119.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use the phrase “It’s boogaloo time!”

120.  The Scoundrels are to stop introducing A.I.’s to the teachings of the Cult Mechanicus.

121.  The Scoundrels are to stop referring to Thomas Drake as “Our Glorious Overlord.”

122.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to send porn to the Shadow Broker.  This is the ninth hit on you guys we’ve had to stop.

123.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to the crewmates or superiors of any of the other Scoundrels as “extremely hot”.  Even if they are.

124.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to say that they are “super gay for Loki”.

125.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to pit a biotic, psyker, and Force-sensitive against each other just to “see what happens”.

126.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use this list as a resume.

127.  The Scoundrels shall not may not begin their sentences with “thou shalt not”.

128.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to send videos of “the sax guy” to the Borg.

129.  Jack Cooper does not have “tons of gold” hidden somewhere on the destroyed planet of Typhon.

130.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to tell Jedi or Astra Telepathica recruits “You’re a wizard, Harry”.

131.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to stand in the corner and twiddle their thumbs.

132.  “YOLO” is not a valid excuse for anything.

133.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use this list as a to-do list.

134.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to replicate the experiments of Edward Richtofen from Call of Duty Zombies.  Or the experiments of any other insane fictional doctor.

135.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to throw themselves through windows “to prove that the glass is unbreakable” for any reason whatsoever.  

136.  “Because reasons” is not a viable excuse.

137.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to anyone else as “peasant” or “plebeian”.

138.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to tell new personnel fictional horror stories involving their families.

140.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to tell new personnel factual horror stories involving their families.

141.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to taunt eldritch beings imprisoned within artifacts.

142.  Speedos are not part of formal attire.

143.  If Ciaphas Cain is telling you a story about his exploits, he is exaggerating what he did, downplaying what he did, outrageously lying about what he did, and telling the complete truth about what he did all at the same time.

144.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to sell fictional stocks to the Tesraki or Ferengi.

145.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to defraud the stock exchange.

146.  No religious deity is allowed to contradict orders from a superior officer.

147.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to dress up as each other.

148.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to make pin-up calendars.  Especially of each other.

149.  Vulcan nerve pinches do not work on Chaos Space Marines.

150.  Shepard and Agent Coulson are not allowed to form a “Technically Undead Club”.

151.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to unmask members of the Mandalorian extremist cult known as ‘The Watch’.

152.  Unless you want to lose nine months pay in twenty minutes, do not play cards with Han Solo, Ciaphas Cain, John Shepard, or Thomas Drake.

153.  At all times, you should try and stay away from Revenant, Loki, and Cypher.

154.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to re-create scenes from Pulp Fiction.  

155.  Do not fake heart attacks around Dr. Krill.  The poor guy is stressed enough as is.  

156.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to challenge Thomas Drake and Liara T’Soni to a “who knows more secrets” game.  Lord Inquisitor Hector Rex was very displeased when Drake stole the Grimoire of True Names.  (Note from Amberley Vail-  How the hell did he manage to get his hands on that?)

157.  Thomas Drake is no longer allowed to steal things from the Imperium of Man or the Jedi Order, considering the consequences of such artifacts being in the wrong hands.  (Note from Thomas Drake-  Of course.  I would never…)

158.  It is not a good idea to piss off any Scoundrel that considers themselves an information broker.

159.  Introducing the Black Templars to heavy metal was, in retrospect, a bad idea.  

160.  Any ancient alien technology should be submitted to the proper authorities, not sold on Ebay.

161.  Challenging a Klingon, Sangheili, or Drev to a duel is a horrible idea.  As already mentioned.  However, challenging a Custodian to a duel is suicidal.  

162.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use Tony Stark’s nicknames for anyone.

163.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use telepaths in casinos.  

164.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to start “prank wars”.

165.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sell themselves or any part of themselves to Trazyn the Infinite.  

166.  Be warned.  If you challenge any of the Scoundrels to do something sexual, they will most likely do it.  

167.  Do not challenge John-117 or John Shepard to a drinking game.  They cannot get drunk.  You will die of alcohol poisoning before they’re even a little tipsy.  

168.  While several of the Scoundrels are members of highly elite military forces, none of them are members of any of the following:

          The Swiss Guard

          The 101st Airborne Division

          The Winged Hussars

          The Immortals

          Napoleon’s Imperial Guard

          The SAS

          The 62nd Red Army

           Spetznaz

          The CIA

          The KGB

169.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to kidnap penguins.

170.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to mount bayonets on bayonets.

171.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to hand over annoying journalists to the Borg.

172.  Do not ever say the phrase “What’s the worst that could happen?”

173.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to hold contests to see who can cause more of these rules to be created.

174.  Adam Vir is to stop bringing new alien species onboard the Omen as pets.

175.  The Scoundrels are surprisingly creative when it comes to revenge. Don’t piss them off.  

176.  Unless you are a Space Marine or Sister of Battle, “Deus Vult” is not a valid excuse.

177.  If you need upgrades to your weapons and gear, please use the engineers on your team or other government approved individuals. 

178.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to host their own version of the Hunger Games.

179.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to quote Monty Python.

180.  No matter how good they are with technology, the Scoundrels are no longer allowed to get any members of the following species to upgrade their gear:

          Protheans

          Forerunners

          Necrons

          Eldar

          Rakata

181.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to summon any of the following beings to the material universe or into space ruled by any of our governments:

          The Nightbringer

           Darth Nihilus

           Lord Vitiate

           The Old Ones

           The Kwa

           The Reapers

           Deus

           The Dominion

           Any C’tan

           Any individual or entity associated with the Ruinous Powers

           Shadow Revenant

182.  If you ask them to, most of the Scoundrels will, in fact, “draw you like one of their French girls”.

183.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to bring members of extremely logical-minded species to modern art museums.  

184.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to seduce diplomats.

185.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to yell “Ramming speed!” when at the controls of their starships.

186.  There is only one God-Emperor of Mankind, and none of the Scoundrels are it.

187.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use Batarian soldiers as target practice.

188.  The Imperial Inquisition encourages the Scoundrels to use heretics as target practice.  

189.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to initiate random fire drills.

190.  Shepard is no longer allowed to lord his SPECTRE status over Alliance enlisted personnel or other “lesser beings”.

191.  Adam Vir is not allowed to tell fictional horror stories about Operation Steel Eye.

192.  Adam Vir is not allowed to tell factual horror stories about Operation Steel Eye.  

193.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to say the phrase “We ride at dawn!”.

194.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to pool their resources to buy any starship over a kilometer long.

195.  THE SCOUNDRELS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO STEAL STAR DESTROYERS OR ANY OTHER STARSHIP OVER A KILOMETER IN LENGTH.

196.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to make clones of each other.

197.  None of the Scoundrels have holidays named after them.  (Addendum: Cain does, on the planet of Perelia.)  

198.  The Scoundrels are encouraged to stay away from the planet Perelia.

199.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to their crew as “my glorious minions”.

200.  John-117 is no longer allowed to attempt orbital reentry with nothing but his suit of armor.

201.  Do not imply that Caiphas Cain and Amberley Vail are in a relationship, because, no matter how probable it may seem, Amberley will kill you.

202.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sell toasters to the Adeptus Mechanicus.  

203.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to hold “Casual Fridays”.

204.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use jetpacks.

205.  Don’t try to blackmail Drake. The last time someone tried to do this, it was with his sexual history. He laughed in their face and personally published the video on the internet.  His public approval rating then went up 30%.  

206.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to replicate the experiments of the Vault-Tech Corporation from the Fallout video game series.

207.  The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to play Triumphal March whenever they enter or exit a room.  

208.  None of the Scoundrels are to be allowed anywhere near a lightsaber.  

209.  None of the Scoundrels are allowed or authorized to knight anyone. 

210.  None of the Scoundrels are allowed to edit this list.  

#magnificent scoundrels #halo #master chief #titanfall #jack cooper #empyrean iris #adam vir #warhammer 40k #ciaphas cain #star trek #the avengers #mcu #guardians of the galaxy #peter quill #mass effect #shepard #star wars #han solo #funny #comedy writing #list of things you aren't allowed to do #skippy's list