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inscrutable-shadow · 2 months

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@painful-pooch requested: "Thanatos for snoozeville" from this ask game! (incredibly late i am so sorry lol)

contains: toothaching fluff and m/m romance

Snoozeville - Thanatos falls asleep somewhere that isn't his bed.

The first thing Than saw when he awoke was white. His first groggy thought was that he'd died and gone to heaven, but that was rapidly debunked by two facts: one, he had never been Christian (if he were to go anywhere, it would almost certainly be Hades) and two, that vampires didn't go to heaven (that being the point of the curse, immortality and all). He also didn't feel particularly dead. At least, not more than usual.

He looked up a little further and saw red. Literally, not metaphorically. The red silk of the Archfey's robes peeled from his face as he turned his head and rubbed his eyes. "What... happened?" he asked, as was all too frequent between them.

The Archfey smiled down at him affectionately. "You fell asleep."

"Obviously. I mean how did I get here?" He was having trouble remembering anything at all. Had he been drinking? Ae laughed and carded aer fingers through his hair, making him shudder and cuddle closer to aer. "I brought winter to the domain, remember? So that we could play in the snow? I had such a good time." Oh, yes. He'd probably overdone it on the mulled wine. "We were making those... what did you call them? Snow angels? And I was talking to you, of course, and then you stopped talking back. I was quite worried, but when I brought you inside and put you in my lap to warm you up, well... you began purring, so I knew you must be all right." "No..." Surely he hadn't... Vampires were borderline cold-blooded and therefore tended to become sleepy in the cold. Before the Archfey, like many others he would spend the winter months holed up somewhere sleeping in a dark box and barely coming out to eat. It probably contributed a good deal to particular vampire legends. The combination of the cold weather and being tipsy might have resulted in... embarrassing lapses. "Yes," the Archfey giggled, and kissed his forehead. "You do look quite sweet when you sleep like that. I had no desire to wake you."

Heat crept into his cheeks, which still tingled with cold. "How humiliating."

"Humiliating how? There is no one here but me, my love, and you need not hide yourself. I am not fooled by your suave vampire mask, Thanatos. I know you. You are kind and you write poetry when you are drunk and you like to watch the stars." If anyone else had said those things, he would have died on the spot, but as it was Thanatos was too embarrassed to respond, so he merely yawned and pressed himself more firmly into aer side. "Sleepy still? Good. Shut your eyes, dearest. I will wait for you. I always do."

The Archfey ran aer fingers through his hair again eliciting a low moan that tapered off into a purr, and for once, he let it. The rumble of safe contentment increased in volume with his exhales and spoke to a level of vulnerability he would almost never show, but here with his Archfey was the safest place in the world to him, both physically and emotionally. When he'd warmed up and woken up, they could both have another glass of wine, and perhaps he would read aer the latest detective story in the Strand, but until then, Thanatos would let the snow fall outside and be happy right where he was.

taglist: @athenswrites, @albatris, @crash-bump-bring-the-whump

#request fill #wip: rwtv #thanatos iuventus #the archfey reality #original fiction #my writing #writeblr #coy writes #fun fact: that same vampiric voice box mod that lets them get that deep chest growl also lets them purr :)#you will almost never hear it because it's incredibly embarrassing #like i don't think any of the ones i have would let you get away having heard it without at least trying to kill you XD #also i feel like the archfey's love for crime serials goes back at least as far as the original holmes stories #so there's that #got inspired to finish this all of a sudden #see i am working on requests i promise

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bigskydreaming · 2 years

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That last reblog has me now contemplating.

What if to mess with his shiny new little brother, but like....gently....when they first started hanging out Dick told Jason a couple of slight falsehoods as umm. A training exercise. That’s it. It was about helping Jason get up to speed with his information gathering skills and also his bullshit detection. So in the interest of being helpful and A Good Big Brother, Obviously....Dick sowed a few.....less-than-entirely-factual details about the more fantastical elements of their lives. The stuff that isn’t common or public knowledge to most of the DC Earth. And then he just.....waited to see how long it took Jason to realize Dick had fed him a handful of straight up lies when briefing him about All Things Superhero.

Look, it was for Science. That’s Dick’s story and he’s sticking to it.

Thus, for the first couple months of their new sibling relationship, Dick had Jason convinced that Atlanteans were actually aliens who landed here thousands of years ago, speedsters can run so fast they can travel back in time, and Superman once accidentally let out a burp so forceful it created a shockwave that shattered every glass in a quarter mile radius so whenever he starts to look....gassy....your best course of action is to hit the deck. Don’t even hesitate for a second, just dive to the ground and grab some floor until he’s got it back under control. And oh yeah, Diana has her Lasso of Truth, but Donna’s version of truth-related powers is that she can sense when people are up to no good....only, the way this manifests for her is she suddenly registers a distinct bad smell in her vicinity, alerting her that bullshit is afoot.

“You’re kidding,” Jason said flatly. “You expect me to believe that Donna can literally smell bullshit?”

Dick just raised an eyebrow. “Like that’s somehow less plausible than Gar being able to change into any kind of animal but only in shades of green? And oh yeah, speaking of green, Green Lanterns can do just about anything with their rings....except protect themselves from yellow paint? I don’t make the rules, Jace. The truth is sometimes superpowers aren’t super-glamorous and not everything related to magic or gods or other planets is as....sophisticated...as we presume. I mean, its not like these things exist just to match up to our expectations for them. Why should alien civilizations or the rules of magic be influenced by whether or not our society would find something weird or ridiculous?”

Jason chewed his lower lip contemplatively. He lacked an official bullshit detecting power himself, but he did have good instincts. Unfortunately for him, his shiny new big brother gave good Lying-to-your-face Face.

“Plus, if you really think about it, it does make a kind of sense,” Dick continued to explain helpfully. But only according to certain specific interpretations of ‘helpfully’ that actually mean ‘like a liar.’ “Our brains are constantly translating all kinds of input and stimuli into shapes or patterns we can actually process in a way that means something to us. So we can make use of that information. This is just the same thing. Donna’s power takes however many variables are involved in registering something as false or something she needs to be wary of...and just condenses it into a simple ‘red alert’ indicator that takes all that abstract, ephemeral data and makes it something actionable. Something she can actually do something with. Her power - or how her brain perceives it - just didn’t actually consult her or give her a choice of notification settings, because why would it?”

“I guess that makes sense,” Jason begrudgingly agreed, with a frown that suggested this particular ‘truth’ Offended his sensibilities.

“I mean, you can ask Donna to explain it herself if you want,” Dick said with a shrug. “Just a heads-up though....she’s not really a fan of how that power works either. Its not exactly a superpower anyone wants to be known for, and she’s heard allllll the jokes about it by now. Roy, Wally and I were perhaps....not the most sensitive when we were younger and she was honing that particular skillset? Though in our defense, I maintain that most of our jokes were hilarious. But anyway, just saying. If you wanna bring it up with her directly, go right ahead! Its definitely one of her favorite topics and Amazons are for sure known for how well they handle being self-conscious.”

And that’s the story of the three months Jason spent convinced that Atlanteans were from another planet, confusing the hell out of Garth with his occasional references to ‘your homeworld’ and his numerous questions about all the Atlantean Green Lanterns that he for some reason seemed convinced the Green Lantern Corps must obviously have a long history of.

And its also why Jason spent those same three months getting wide-eyed and nervous any time he noticed Donna’s nose so much as twitch when he was around. Which it did a lot more often than usual, thanks to how often Dick got horseradish to go with whatever he was having for lunch, knowing full well that Donna can not stand the smell of horseradish. (Dick’s actually not a fan either, and he hates how it tastes, but he’s not afraid to Suffer for the sake of Shenanigans. Its a fundamental part of the Robin experience and persona, after all.)

But it was the Donna thing that gave Dick away, ultimately. No matter how hard he tried to keep a lid on how entertaining he now found the sight of Donna’s occasional nose twitch...even a Batkid poker face can’t keep an empath and telepath from finding this a mystery worth untangling after the tenth time it happens.

(Not that Lilith or Raven are gonna apologize for prying any time soon. They had an obligation as his friends and teammates to investigate when he’s acting bizarre, y’see. What if its because he was brainwashed again? “We’re intrusive because we love,” Lilith insists with zero shame. Raven clarifies: “I was intrusive because she was already doing it so there seemed no point not to.” Lilith points out that this could also be construed as a sign of strong leadership potential. Dick glowers. Lilith waves a hand dismissively. “We can circle back to that later. That’s fine.”)

Anyway, the truth came out at last, Jason cites this as the Moral Justification for every single time and way he was a pain in the ass to Dick in the years to come, and Donna - who was Not Amused - gave a pointed sniff and called bullshit when Dick tried to claim this was an important Bonding Opportunity for he and Jason, wherein they became brothers ‘for real’ instead of just via Bruce. “There are intricate sibling rituals to be observed,” Dick insisted. “I did my research! We had so much time to make up for, I had to speedrun through my shenanigans to get us all caught up! Would I have done all this if I didn’t care?”

Every Titan in the room, familiar with the lengths he’d gone to when messing with Rogues and randos as Robin and thus distinctly unimpressed: Yes. Absolutely. One hundred percent.

Dick foraged on heroically. “Regardless! That’s not the case here, as all of this was clearly done in the name of brotherhood and bonding! We’ll laugh about this someday, you’ll see!”

Ten years later, after Jason’s returned as the Red Hood and reintegrated with the Batfamily to varying degrees, enough so that he accompanies Dick and the rest of the OG Titans on a mission where they’re ambushed, captured and trapped in a supervillain dungeon they’re now trying to escape...

Dick: Definitely kicking myself for not seeing that ambush coming. Where’s a bullshit-sniffing power when you really need it, huh?

Jason: Still not laughing yet.

Dick: Oh come on!

As far as the rest goes, Jason does get a kick out of the speedsters discovering that actually, they can run fast enough to travel through time. He’s like, despite your best efforts you accidentally got one right. And Dick’s all ‘was it an accident or did I actually know or have strong suspicions all along’....but Jason shuts that down. “Nope. Not giving you this one. Try it with someone else.”

However, that still left one last card in play, long after everyone - even Dick and Jason themselves - had all but forgotten about it.

See, every Batkid knows that the best lies contain elements of truth. And that’s why Dick only peppered in his fake trivia very, very sparingly amidst a massive info-dump of actually accurate and useful info he gave Jason about all that stuff, way back when.

So despite the handful of things Dick had told him that Jason eventually discovered to be untrue...the vast majority of it did check out.

Which means even once he did catch on to Dick’s game....that didn’t change his acceptance of the stuff that had turned out to be true or verified by others. But in the end, there was only one little fib that slipped under the radar. Because the scenario it was based on just never happened to come up until long after Jason had returned....and thus Jason never had reason to put much thought into actually questioning whether or not it was true. Not until long after he’d stopped scrutinizing stuff Dick had told him, in search of possible ‘traps.’

And THAT is the story of how Jason - on one of the rare occasions that he joined the Titans and Justice League for an all-hands-on-deck kinda teamup - just happened to be in the right wrong place at the right wrong time to notice Superman suddenly start to look queasy after trying some alien cuisine....

And without a second thought, Jason just instinctively dove for the floor. With this followed by Clark letting out an extremely normal-sounding burp and a sheepish apology.

Everyone else, staring at the infamous Red Hood ducking for cover because Clark had a moment of indigestion: umm. wut

Dick, staring wide-eyed at his brother and trying not to laugh: Oh shit. I totally forgot all about that.

Jason, almost conversationally, while climbing to his feet and stalking ominously towards his big bro: Hey can you believe that after all the shit we’ve been through and all the times we’ve fought over like...actual life and death stuff, THIS is the thing I’m actually gonna kill you for?

Dick, backing away, hands raised placatingly: Hey, c’mon now, Jace, we called a truce about all this ages ago, remember? It was a much younger, dumber me who did all that in the first place, y’know? You’re better than this!

Jason: I’m really not.

Dick: Well then can I just take this opportunity to mention again how sorry I am for any creative embellishments I might have once come up with, in the mistaken belief that I was honoring important traditions of brotherhood, and....

Jason: Hey, where’s Donna? Can anyone see if her nose is twitching?

Donna and the rest of the Titans, blatantly amused and offering no explanation to the very confused Justice League: Oh, bullshit absolutely detected. In the interests of Truth and Justice, you should totally proceed.

Dick, jabbing his finger at his teammates before dashing for the door: Betrayal! J’accuse!

Donna, shrugging: Sorry, Rob. Justice demands impartiality. Our hands are tied.

Jason, running out the door and down the hallway in pursuit of his fleeing brother: Yeah you better run! I’ve waited ten fucking years to get back at you for this shit. Where you going anyway, bro? I thought you wanted to laugh about this someday!

Dick (offscreen): I regret nothing! It was all worth it! You should have seen your face!

Jason (offscreen): You couldn’t even see my face, idiot! I’m wearing my fucking helmet!

Dick (offscreen): Semantics! If something’s funny enough, you can sense what someone’s face probably looks like! If you know, you know!

Jason (offscreen): Oh yeah, go ahead and make up some more shit, Grayson, that’s definitely the right way to go here!

Batman, looking to the Titans and waving his hand at...whatever all that is offscreen: Explain.

Roy: Hey don’t look at us. You’re the one who made them brothers. This is on you.

Batman: What does that even mean.

Lilith: If you know, you know. Dick’s right about that much at least.

The Titans all nod like an actual, self-evident truth was just expressed. Bruce pinches the bridge of his nose, and starts muttering under his breath.

“You need to encourage Dick to seek out and make like-minded friends, Alfred said. It’ll be good for him, he said. Its what he needs and definitely not the point everything starts to go downhill.”

Lilith picks it up loud and clear, because of course she does, and incidentally, the smug, obnoxious know-it-all teenage psychic who started hanging out with Dick when they were teenagers has absolutely nothing to do with Bruce’s profound dislike of telepaths, nooooo, that would be ridiculous and irrational, to bear a grudge against everyone with a particular skillset because one of your son’s childhood friends was a royal pain in the -

Lilith: Oh, that’s adorable. He thinks we’re the reason Dick’s so profoundly weird and inexplicable.

The Titans, in unison: LOL.

Roy: The self-deluding, it is strong in that family.

Bruce is suddenly extra glad he’s wearing a cowl that hides what is definitely not a pout but might be mistaken for one by the uninformed thus its better to just dodge that issue entirely. He crosses his arms and stares down the collection of his eldest son’s friends, whom he has been unfairly plagued by since most of them were pre-pubescent little demons. Literally no one has suffered like he has.

“I don’t like you,” he informs them officiously. Not sulkily. Officiously.

Several of them snort. There’s a couple giggles. An eye roll from Roy. An aborted response hastily turns into Wally coughing into his hand. Blatant dismissal from Victor, his attention clearly on whatever he’s browsing online. Three varying shades of raised eyebrows: unflappable bemusement from the sorceress, patronizing amusement from the psychic, naked incredulity from Donna. Garth gazing off into an empty corner which he has on very good authority is basically the Atlantean version of the middle finger.

“Yeah, no shit,” Roy drawls, apparently on behalf of the whole group.

Ugh, they’re just. The worst. Why couldn’t Clark have had a kid Dick’s age so he never had to go looking elsewhere for socialization? That’s it. Clearly this was all Clark’s fault. He can’t believe he never realized that before.

Dammit Clark.

#this started out as Dick and Jason shenanigans and then somehow morphed into Bruce really doesn't like his kid's friends #because I firmly believe the Bruce vs the Titans antipathy is one hundred percent a two way street #and not so deep down Bruce (super rationally) blames them for some of the distance between he and Dick over the years #the world's greatest detective is like 'well Dick and I (mostly) got along just fine until THEY came along and then all of a sudden it was #oh sorry Bruce I cant hang out cuz I gotta go play with all my friends who hate you because they're horrible little goblin children #and look I've connected the dots' because correlation is definitely causation #cut to Bruce grumpily slouched in the Watchtower's monitor room watching the Titans mop up the Fearsome Five #to loud public acclaim #Clark hovers nearby. both figuratively and literally. he is Concerned #'Bruce you do know that resenting Dick's friends and holding a grudge against a bunch of fifteen year olds because #your kid doesn't always want to hang out with you anymore is Not the solution to repairing your relationship with Dick that you're looking #for right? please tell me that you know that'#Bruce. testily. 'yes Clark I know that'#Clark: okay. good. I was just worried because it. umm. doesn't always LOOK like you know that #Bruce: well I do and you can stop bringing it up. friends dont rub their friend's irrationality in their faces #Clark: see I dont think I know that rule #Clark: Im pulling from the book that says friends dont let their friends declare a feud against teenagers they've decided #are their personal mortal nemesis in some not-super-healthy war for their son's time and attention #Bruce: well your book sounds stupid and wrong and you should throw it away and get a better book like mine #Clark. Sighing because apparently today is a day where Bruce has decided to just Be Like This and resigning himself to letting it go #for now and trying again to get through to him in a week or two instead #'Sure B. Ill get right on that.'

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sophieswundergarten · 10 months

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Do you guys ever wonder if the Executives had families? Like, if Curtain lied to them or they just never thought to ask, and maybe there are people out there still looking, still hoping every blurry face they pass in the street who's about the right age might be their child that was lost so many years ago?

#Or like #If they had friends #Little kid friends but a really deep connection where they went to the park together every day #And then all of the sudden that kid from down the street was gone #And no one ever told the kids why #Just shook their heads sadly and said no one knew where that boy with the red hair or the girl with the tight ponytail #Or the clumsy sweet little kid or that tiny one who scowled so fiercely went #No one knew where they were #And then imagine years later there's this twenty something year old walking to get coffee when they hear an extremely distinctive laugh #Or see just the right hair colour #Or hear that silly tone of voice they used to be so familiar with #And they race over to find that person they were such good friends with when they were little #And the young adult who answers to more or less the same name just looks blankly back at them in confusion #Sorry I know this is super vague and probably hard to read #It's the middle of the night for me :/#Just. Some thoughts.#the mysterious benedict society #mbs #jackson mbs #jillson mbs #jackson and jillson #sq pedalian #martina crowe

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aeide-thea · 10 months

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oh right i forgot the real reason i stopped listening to broadway clips was that i've got this whole enormous miserable knot in my chest abt having been too socially anxious to do anything with my once-upon-a-time-very-gorgeous voice once i got spat out of the safe little nest of my high school, and like, most of the time i forget that knot even exists, but when i listen to the sort of music i used to be part of making (proper opera but also showtunes) it's like. this whole fast-forward feelings journey thru 'oh right that didn't actually go away, it's still right there in my throat, just calcified' to 'oh okay we tugged the loose end and it's unraveling and actually it was keeping contained a whole rush of tears like aeolus' bag of winds in the odyssey…'

#like i decline 2 actually cry abt it but. sure am on the verge of it lmao. thick sore throat and all #i always forget that when i'm actually happy i sing to myself. it's been a long time since i did that #i mean also a big problem with voice was like. the gender thing #conveniently being a mezzo is ALSO a gender thing which did more work for me than i realized but #was listening to a jeremy jordan medley ft. on the street where you live from my fair lady and had a sudden flashback #to the year i was like 'what if i sang that for our musical theater showcase' and my voice teacher was like. noooo not a Boy Song 4 Girl U!#but i used to sing that to myself all the time. also‚ hilariously‚ the girl that i marry from annie get yr gun #which is just like. literally i still thought i was a straight girl tho. the sheer level of doublethink this required.#what was happening in my brain.#(i mean obviously what was happening in my brain was that like. i knew the limits of acceptability)#(and so i couldn't know anything else abt myself.)#(like i've said this before but i do strongly wonder what else my brain isn't allowing me to know bc i still live with my dad)#(which is like. SO dumb bc honestly i'm not sure there's anything i could do that he'd kick me out/disown me over)#(certainly not anything sexuality or even gender related idt)#(but it's like. i know where the discomfort line is and emotionally i just. can't bear to exile myself out beyond it!)#(even if my doing so might eventually shift the line out to where it embraced me again!)#(sometimes learning yr own deep unacceptability in childhood 4 adhd reasons)#(and also 'yr mother is so depressed nothing you do will ever please her. have fun trying tho!!' reasons)#(makes you just. totally incapable of deliberately rendering yrself less acceptable as an adult even when it would be good for you)#(anyway like. thinking back to the K in old home videos who was like. confident that they were an engaging delight)#(and like. what a charming jeremy jordan of a performer they could have made.)#(if only my whole upbringing hadn't then happened to me and crushed all the unacceptable self-expression out of me.)#anyway. shh don't look at me it's fine! it's all fine. 🫥🫥🫥#formative #feelingsblogging

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icarrymany · 3 months

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i ranted 2 the bestie abt how. if you hc all the guys as man likers theyre all in varying stages of realizing and accepting that

#tim knows and doesnt care enough to worry abt what he cant change #jay knows but Doesnt Talk Abt It. may have even forgot completely and re-realized during season 3 lol #probably self conscious abt the way he comes off to other dudes :( no homophobic phase tho #alex dodges bi allegations (and feelings) all his life. thinks brian is hot and him n jay r weird Always #he has no reason to have internalized homophobia his parents are loving. he is just Like That #brian has to get rlly close to people to have feelings like that #never considered what it would mean to like a dude until he has the sudden urge to kiss a close friend #DOES NOT THINK ABT IT. he just doesnt unless he is neck deep in 'oh shit is this a crush'#him and tim have kissed at least once but just never brought it up again. the feelings were mutual though #not at all aware if someone has feelings for him especially if they arent super close

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spidertrophy · 3 months

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when ur seeing someone and they dont give the same amount of love they do their partner is kinda crazy to me. like. Now IM the crazy one

#maybe im a jealous person #idk if i can handle a relationship fr!!!#but i crave and long for love in a way thats so deep it makes me insane #a bitch gets in 1 relationship and all of a sudden a relationshio is all they want #am i just dating the wrong people

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oldfacesnewdawnoffical · 1 year

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Do you ever just struggle with world building because of canon because I am suffering

Hsjdbn I absolutely understand the struggle.

My biggest piece of advice? Stop trying to make it like canon. Seriously, that is the biggest restriction of creativity when it comes to aus and rewrites, I’ve found, especially in my own personal experience!

The best way to move forward through rewriting and worldbuilding, in my opinion, is to use canon material as the barest form of a base. Think of it like… Minecraft, in a way. Use canon in the way you use the basic outline of the build - it’s the cornerstone, the thing that holds it all together and will ultimately attract others to it (because nobody’s interested in a felled house, after all; you’ve gotta Build Off of something), but everything after that? The walls, the colors, the palette, the details, the inside and out? That’s yours!! You get to decide it all!

Take your favorite pieces of the media, or the ones that you feel will best serve your story, and store everything else away in a little container. Don’t touch that container unless you come to a roadblock and need some inspiration from the source. ALSO MAPS, maps are SO underrated, but they’re such a great way to visualize your world, and they can Always be altered later on to include or exclude things!

#hopefully this helps ^^’#it’s 1am so I’m a little all over the place lol #but I just got a sudden Burst of energy and a Need to delve back deep into OFND lol #(my inbox is so crowded I PROMISE I’ll get to replying to everyone!!)#old faces new dawn #writing #world building #writing advice #writing tips and tricks #fantasy writing #writing help #alternative universe #rewrite #warrior cats rewrite #warriors rewrite

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donuts4evry1 · 2 years

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@tomnookishot you reblogged the hitori milf post with a picture of my old ugly art so it became my personal mission to redraw it before I die of embarrassment

#SOBBINTG #I WAS JUST STARTING TO DRAW EVERYONE AND HITORI WAS LIKE. THE LAST BIRD I DREW #sakuya was first naturally #followed by yuuya #then I kind of went on the deep end afterwards #i wasn't expecting to get hitori requests at the time but damn. was i nervous hasjdfh'kbsg #my art #hitori uzune #nageki fujishiro #hatoful boyfriend #why the sudden glowup? jellyfish jadsfbsghsdf (it's been almost a year since I drew this tho so... hm.)#btw I haven't started coding the new ite! it's jellyfish love! game at all today lmao #I have a flight tomorrow tho so I might do that #goin to california tomorrow :sunglasses:#actually wait why am i still up i should be getting ready smh

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freebooter4ever · 1 year

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So im still exhausted. I keep making dumb mistakes and doing stupid shit like leaving charging cords at work or at home. My coordination is gone, im tripping and knocking into things. My eyes feel sore??? All i want to do anymore is lie down and try to sleep. :/

I think i was running on pure adrenaline last week...and now that 'panic' mode is done my body is paying me back for all the stress. :( i barely slept the entire time i was traveling, i regularly drove for like 10+ hrs on next to no sleep which...yeah. I know. Dangerous. The constant tension of whether or not snow was going to make my next route passable, and worry over keeping other people's schedules. And then to get to my grandparents house and to find out they're not moving till may and the 'end of march' deadline was an arbitrary schedule that didnt actually matter. Im not mad, i cant be mad at them they're moving which is stress enough, im just...mourning my exhaustion and inability to function lol. Had they let me wait even one more month the snow and the insane storms would have been gone.

Anyway, just thinking about that feeling of 'safety' or 'comfort' and how precious a thing it is for me (and my sleep) . After my anxiety started growing worse it takes a LOT for me to feel 'safe' with someone or somewhere. My italian grandparent's house would be one, nick's sister's house would be another. And then my friends house in the mountains of oregon, who are just the kindest, most generous people. The two nights i spent there were literally the only times i slept last week.

Back in the fall of 2018, six months after grandpa died and still unemployed, i helped grandma travel by train to ohio, flew back to seattle, stayed with sanjeev for a week ish, and then started south to los angeles because i literally couldnt think of anywhere else to go. And these friends in oregon - they were off traveling at the time - let me stay in their house for over a week. I was so scared about the future, i was still grieving and feeling like a total ghost, still processing my dad's very friendly comment (when i asked him why he hadn't offered to let me stay in his house after i flew back from ohio) about how if i couldn't afford to house myself i deserved to be homeless.

(honestly that wasn't even the part that bothered me - i knew that about my dad from the time when i was a kid and he would point out homeless people to me and jokingly say 'that will be you as an artist!'. Instead of instilling fear in me though this backfired and all my charity work in high school dealt with homeless shelters lol. But no, the part that bothered me was how he tacked another comment onto the end - that life 'couldn't go back to how it was'. THAT was when i broke down crying in front of him because i think stupid me still genuinely believed that if i moved back to seattle my dad would go back to being my best friend and it'd be us against the world again.)(i saw him for five minutes in sac last week - he refused to even have lunch with us)

Instead in 2018 i was anchorless, emotionally disconnected from reality, and instead of comdemning me like everybody else in my family, my friends were like 'dont worry about it, the house is empty, please use it.' And i did! I was nervous at first. But then i started exploring the area - went to a bunch of state parks out in the middle of nowhere hidden in the high desert. Ended up LOVING one of them and collected those tacky tourist maps and just scribbled all my observations and tips on the best roads to drive/things to do/see onto the margins. And i collected all the brochures and compiled a kind of guide, and left it on the counter just in case my friends hadn't found that particular area to explore yet. And sure enough, they hadn't! To this day they still talk about how happy they were to have all these suggestions and things to see, and how that particular area is now one of their favorite places to visit. So what im saying is that's the only place i got any rest last week. Also those pancakes. I need to make those pancakes.

Anyway i'm just so fucking tired, man. This is the second 'vacation' where i've come back more exhausted than when i left, i think i need to do something differently. (also fuck you dad, five years in LA and not homeless once)

#Journal shit #When i was stuck on the grapevine for two hours #I had a sudden memory of nick and i driving in the dark #See he was new to pittsburgh and by that point i was old hat #After the hell year 2011 i spent most of my free time driving alone around the city trying to get myself lost and unlost in the corners #with the window rolled down and the freezing numbing breeze the only thing that would make the scars on my face feel normal #Like that city is BEAUTIFUL at night #And nick he liked talking in cars #I mean he liked doing other things in cars too but mostly it was the talking #Like deep conversations talking #And since i knew the roads and i had the zippy tiny blue teardrop of a car vs his giant ass truck #I did the driving #And so many times under a street light i would catch him staring at me with a strange face #And i would get all embarrassed and he'd just shrug and say he liked looking at me with that stupid smile of his #No one before or since has ever looked at me like that #I have done road trips with a fair number of people now #But nothing ever like that #Of course i was also looking at him whenever he was driving #He hated the camera so much but the only photos i have of his face are of him driving his truck through the snow in the laurel highlands #Near that one fishing cabin his family used lmao #Im glad being alone gives me more time to spend with friends but sometimes i wish...#NOT with nick god no i have officially given up on that but #Something similar

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