#only me though never anyone else

[carrickbender]

Friday 5:

- So about that cake: OMFG I take back every word. I apparently didn't get all the information and was well into my own bullshit, so I made a judgement call that didn't take into consideration a roulade filled with strawberry vinegarette cream cheese.

Good grief...just... wow.

So yeah, forget everything I said. For someone who says thank you often, I was being a thankless asshole. Mia culpa.

- Speaking of thank you, thank you to all y'all who wished me a happy birthday.

- I did buy myself a birthday present, and very on brand for me:

This will be the live feed from the concert to benefit those affected by the Yellowstone floods. I love Livingston and pretty much that whole area, and have spent a lot of time there. He said he's going to play all of "Born and Raised", which was one of the road trip albums for the trip that mom and I took to bury the ashes of her mom... in Basin, Montana. So yeah, it's gonna be a great show and probably a tear jerker.

- On to more fun topics, im going to start a war....

(OK, that's a bit dramatic, lemme explain)

Last night, as I was making an order for carter's for Henry, I saw a Toronto blue jays(my team) t-shirt in Henry's size. H is a Seattle Mariners fan. And she has no idea... but I ordered it. And considering they are 1 and 2 for the AL wildcard spots, yeah...

- So the number I've been wrestling with, because I still can't wrap my head around it, is 129. That's the number of pounds that I've lost since I started my weight loss journey. It's honestly mind boggling, and I still don't know how to feel about it. The only thing I can say is that I appreciate the support on this road from yall. Much love, and many blessings- you all helped!!!!

#me #this is my life #dadlife #henry adam #exhausted #gastric bypass #roux en y #its slightly silly #and slightly annoying #that i cant take a compliment #or even look at my loss objectively #its always judgrmentally #only me though never anyone else #everybody else gets grace #its the one thing i cant give myself #its weird #i wish i was like yall #and could practice radical self love like you do #its amazing really #i just cant see the good in me #anyhow enough of my shit #thanks for attending my ted talk

[imaybe5tupid]

Why bother? (Why bother?) It's gonna hurt me. (It's gonna hurt me.) It's gonna kill when- (Why bother!) -You desert me! (Gonna hurt me!)

Set after Nightmare. Laios is reminiscing and contemplating.

#laishuro #laios touden #i make a lot of jokes on here since part of the fun of this blog for me is limiting myself to only expressing ideas via drawings #as much as I can to try to see what I can try to convey in the limited time I have to draw each day which is sometimes like 15minutes #but laios idea of who shuro was to him and who he continues to be and how it ties into his own feelings of self worth and self hatred #not to mention being so thoroughly defined by having never been indulged before by the men in his life #are so compelling to me #and then of course you mix in toshiros own mind prisons #and their established dynamic of him begrudgingly putting up with him because he feels he has to and bc hes cursed with obedience #whilst laios genuinely thinks shuro does it because he likes it and likes laios because why else would anyone act like that #when everyone else in his life has not hesitated to Let Him Know #this is what is so fun about relationships like this…forever passing by each other’s true feelings like ships in the night #and on toshiros side umineko said it best People are riddles. They want someone else to solve their riddle #they live life wanting someone to solve the riddle that they are #the most difficult riddle in the world #without love the truth cannot be seen sighhhh many such cases #sometimes i get embarassed how deep i get for some of the characters in this series it really is that deep sometimes but not always #but WHATEVER #i never even engaged in or was interested in shipping the several years i read dunmeshi EXCEPT laishuro lol #which i sadistically wanted to stay one sided and miserable forever. I rarely get fed such genuinely fraught dynamics as their one in manga #so i became obsessed #and walked through the desert alone for 40 years and then checked in as anime started airing that other people ship this and gaf #and decided to unleash the jokes and ideas that my like 2 friend who like anime previously suffered alone as though they were jesus christ #now tho as much as I still enjoy tragedy and pain and emotional suffering I’ve let love and peace and requited fulfilled yaoi into my life #with laishuro. and its great! #my comics

[moeblob]

Demyx (my beloved)

#kingdom hearts #demyx #honestly is there an organization member i dont like? not really tbh #ok i lied maybe one but even then i find him fascinating so even he gets a pass #demyx being such a good boy who doesnt actually care for fighting then having the whole kh3 thing #where he has the yellow eyes but still just helps the good team vaguely then dips out of the entire game #where did he go and why .... what secrets do you hold young man #i should replay kh3 cause there are things i think i remember but idk for sure #like wasnt there actually a scene where hes just... been benched for being bad at being bad or smth #i really remember a scene where either he says or someone else is like oh yeah he got benched lol #like why does he have to be so funny yet get so little screen time im dying squirtle #though for the record him just handing a mannequin to even and saying peace out for the rest of the game WAS hilarious #this is me living the best time line where not only does demyx just dip and never get mentioned from anyone #but also in an otome i played theres a route where my fave guy just also dips early on #and then in the very end some other LI asks another LI what happened to him btw like where did he go #and the another LI was like oh my god i forgot about him idk man #my favorites just making an appearance and leaving is really funny to me #these tags got super long bc im very stressed and now devoting brain power to vgs in order to not cry

[kicktwine]

oh so alisaie’s exaggerated bully behavior is 80% fanon. saying this she casually picks up a large rock

#say one thing wrong to me and you will have a wonderful few days with the rock #if angry silly girls have 100 fans etc if they have 0 fans i have died #sorry i saw a YouTube meme i vehemently disliked on principle and got mad at the only child behavior- #kipspeak #she is just short tempered and uses anger to mask other more ‘shameful’ emotions!!! alphy did the same thing with just deciding not #to express them. which is still not good and I think why he breaks and ends up teary so often now #this shortness does not translate to actually being mean to people. she only uses being mean as a shield for herself and being snarky #Is just fun for her. it’s fun for Me. you have to inconsequentually tease people or they’ll never learn to laugh at themselves #the twins and thancred 🫵 do this thing where they have big emotions but they don’t want anyone to SEE they have big weird emotions #so alphy pretends he doesn’t have them under a veneer of dignity and alisaie pretends the emotions are Something Else. thancred is #just so emotionally constipated he has trouble expressing anything. he’s got enough baggage for a flatbed #anyways. alisaie is such a compassionate and kind girl and she learned how to make snarky jokes and went ham. and she hates appearing sad o #weak or vulnerable so she blocks it off with an unapproachable emotion so no one pities her and they maybe get on with the plot #it is in fact also great at getting ppl to move away from the sad or embarrassing topic. even if the tradeoff is being more offputting #she would never (grabs youtube meme) she would never seriously bully her brother. this is sibling ribbing only. Cain instinct #just leave her be she is learning how to snark humor and she loves it she loves being sharp. alphy has wit he just keeps it close #my brother didn’t learn how to tell or receive a joke until he was 14 he took everything so seriously. he can do it now though and he’s #HILARIOUS. Don’t tell him I said that. my man knows exactly where the funny points are even if he hasn’t learned when to stop yet #too many tags. Whatever. jokey snark alisaie who sometimes compliments is happy alisaie grouchy snappy angry alisaie is way too stressed #very easy way to tell between the two. even alphy can tell between the two I believe! He tends to rib back in protest if they’re having fun #and try to stop her if they’re not having fun. case in point ‘what is that supposed to mean?!’ vs ‘alisaie ryne was only trying to help.’ #I know they’re twins but that’s such an intensely older sibling thing to do that it reels me #LONG TAGS AND THREE EDITS TO ADD ON SHORT I resent this stereotype taken too far into ooc behavior. it happened with nya #It will happen again and as a postscript let me regale you with Things U Can Notice About Character Motivation and Actions— #I’m not done let me s #she and raha are friends now I decree. ‘haha you like me’ SPUTTERING PROTEST FROM BOTH

[piningprecussionist]

Tumblr fucking Ate this post so I have to retype shit shckfhsjdhf

Anyway I am posting this (ever expanding) friendship portion of the chart because I need everyone to look at my Envy and Mobile friendship line and start ascribing to it. Why? Uhhh it's Extremely Funny and also Envy and Wallace would HATE IT.

(Also, from the discord: Kim has all those arrows around her because she's Toronto's Weed Dealer /hj but possibly not)

#honestly lucas feels like he would wanna be friends w everyone (Except For Todd. enemies or lovers ONLY /j) #but i dont feel like going back and figuring out how to do that rn so dgdjdhsjdjr #AHHH I FORGOT HIS AND STACEY'S FRIENDSHIP LINE THOUGH #i will be adding that one back in. it is a Must. and he needs a one sided line to Julie #also the line between kim and matthew in the original is what sparked that thread the other day #just for a Fun Fact from behind the scenes #ooc #txt #spto #spvtw #sp comic #kim pine #envy adams #scott pilgrim mobile #and im not taggin anyone else for just this chart! #i do want to note though that my note abt the twins and it being Absolutely Not possible is mostly in reference to any sort of reciprocatio #but i think it would be really funny if they did become friends. and then Kim proceeded to NEVER LET GO OF THE CAGE THING EVER #like ''you guys couldnt even bring me a BLANKET? seriously?'' type concepts at random maybe #headcanons #scott pilgrim headcanons #forgot those whoops

[newtness532]

how do i convince my sister to spend at least 70€ on a ticket for a concert of a band she doesn’t know that i only casually listen to every now and then?

#i just want to go to a concert #and none of the artists that i want to see live are coming here #and im kinda regretting not trying harder to convince her to go to florence + the machine last year #bc i am not a fan (i only know a couple songs) but i know that if i listen to more songs i will become a fan #so now i can never listen unless they announce another show here #or else it will be like hozier again (started listening to his music about a year after he played a show here and i regret it all the time) #(that i didnt start listening to him earlier. not that i started listening to him) #i also tried to convince her about louis tomlinson but i failed at that too. although i wasn't too upset about that one #the only concert she agreed to was lewis capaldi's but that was because she is also a fan #i mean even my mom agreed to go to that one even though when i started listening to him she was complaining that it was too depressing lol #but then that got canceled #so i have yet to go to any concerts! #anyway #does anyone wanna go to see cigarettes after sex with me? #also like the concert is in late october i have a lot of time to start listening to them a lot more #jo says stuff #personal ramblings

[sleebyfrogs]

Okay so just imagine like. You’re just a little guy. You have no parents and your grandfather who raised you has always disparaged and disapproved of the very fact that you exist, for reasons utterly beyond your control. People enjoy your presence because you’re polite and charming the same way they enjoy flowers in spring, which is to say in passing and ultimately without any real connection.

And then you meet this guy who is just like. obsessed with you. He always wants to be around you and he derives true joy from it without you having to say anything funny or clever or lie for politeness’ sake. He creates art that he loves of you and because of you. Indirectly, you are suddenly able to put joy and beauty into the world, anything into the world, because you inspire him. You never imagined you would leave any kind of footprint the way things were before, because nothing you had was meaningful or lasting. And he flatters you dreadfully, he tells you how incredibly beautiful you are, and whether you realise it or not, you can feel that at least part of this value that he has found in you, that he has given you, comes from that beauty.

And then one day you meet his friend, who is older than you and cooler than you and a lord, and so witty and eloquent that you struggle just trying to keep track of whatever the fuck he’s talking about (and he always sounds like he knows everything about it), and he’s been this guy’s friend much longer than you have, and he also compliments you on your beauty and so seemingly that is the only quality of any worth that you possess, right? And then he waxes on and on about how it’s the only thing worth having and explains that what you have is actually incredibly valuable and fragile and precious, and that you are inevitably going to lose it and there’s nothing you can do. And also he says all this while you’re having your gay awakening because he’s sweet-talking you in a way you’ve never experienced and it’s uhhhhh it’s something. So then while you’re having a complete existential crisis over this your mutual friend calls you over to show you the most exquisite painting you’ve ever seen in your life and it’s of you. You didn’t know you could be so beautiful to anyone, you didn’t know he could create anything so beautiful, you didn’t know beauty on this level could even be captured in art. And that’s how he sees you, continually, without you having to make any effort to please him? Just to be yourself is enough to have inspired this incredible thing? You might cry. And then you realise he created it here and now and of you because on this particular day of June, you are twenty years old, and young, and pretty, and once you age out of that, you will lose the one thing anyone has ever valued in you, and surely also his interest, and you will be alone again, and worthy of nothing and no one. And because you’re also twenty years old and privileged and inexperienced you’ve never learned any capacity for nuanced thoughts and say things that are incredibly rash and stupid and regrettable.

So I’m not saying Dorian did nothing wrong but I am saying in his position I’d definitely have been a vain and terrified idiot too

#The Picture of Dorian Gray #LISTEN. My other point is that yes he should have known better but he was never given the chance to learn how to make those better decisions #The world and people that should have prepared him to be a wiser adult navigating a more complex world failed and neglected him #So in that position with the life he’d had behind him he could *never* have made a different choice even though his past was full of so many #opportunities for him to learn that if only anyone had actually given it the time of day to teach him #Yes Dorian was selfish and cruel and stupid and that is his fault #But it was also wrong of the people in his life not to have shown and taught him how to be anything else #And that’s really what makes him a very tragic character to me #Because all these things that he couldn’t control came together by sheer chance and made him an offer he had no means to refuse #and no idea he was even agreeing to #and it set him up perfectly to ruin his entire life and the lives of so many around him #Doriginal #Lord that was. an Essay and now it’s 4am girl help #Yes it was still a fight he could have won and he lost anyway. #but I do think it’s more than a little unfair that no one who was meant to ever gave him a sword.

[musubiki]

how was playing hsr? was there anything that you liked in the game and the story?

ITS BEEN AMAZING AS EXPECTED!!!!!!!!! i actually havent played genshin in a while since starting it, i have no motivation to do the filler event while a perfectly good star rail is sitting there waiting to be played :')

but for mechanics, i love they have auto battle so you dont have to nessecarily sit there and invest in every little battle you gotta do....and i love that the resin (resin??) system is a lot more forgiving with a higher cap, lower cost, and allow for overflow...thats nice...i also love that the mc and starter units are very useful. im so emotionally attatched to the star rail crew so im glad they never have to leave my team !!!!

storywise im LOVING IT SO FAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i started playing it at the beginning of spring break 2 weeks ago and im almost all caught up!!! i went through belabog and penacony and now im just doing those leftover intermission main quests which im only now realizing i shouldve done before going to penacony LMAO

and of course.....danmarch....im so soft for them......and also i love sampo i cant wait to see what they do with him

#besides the star rail crew and sampo im not too attatched to anyone else #im very much a (what would happen in canon) type of player so the only units i REALLY want are himeko welt and imbibitor lunae #(and sampo) #everyone else i can go without #so this game is probably gonna be a lot better for my wallet #overall it just like it better than genshin minus the open world part #i like the story and characters...i like that you can play as bad guys while theyre still bad guys???? like blade and kafka??? #cuz in genshin you always gotta redeem them somehow first before theyre playable #not here hueheuhe #also i love that they actually kill off playable characters #(spoilers from here on out) #i know were supposed to be all sad for fireflys death but honestly.......i didnt care about her too much LMAO #i was actually a little annoyed for the secret base part because her base was SO FUCKING DEEP IN ENEMY TERRITORY #i was like (damn bitch how far away is this shit??!) #that by the time we got to the emotional part i was just mad #i never liked characters where the game tries to like....force you to care about them #and its implied you have some super close relationship ESPECIALLY when you havent known them long #now if march died that would be a whole different story #but firefly??? i mean rip but i didnt really know her #im loving the penacony quest so far though #any setting where its like a place of mind tricks and gambling and spending money and sin is always so scary to me #especially the dream within a dream within a dream shit #the mind fuck aspect is always a good plot that i enjoy #i also love that theyre not afraid to upgrade units #like we have dan heng and the dragon dan heng #so characters arnt stagnent forever #everyday i hope we one day get to see a 5-star secret power march #cuz that girl has some shit going on i swear #i just did her luofu memory quest #and those fuckers in the garden of recollection............

[ohlovxr]

mel whyy would you make me think about this!! your eyes literally shine when they look at him sat on his throne and you can’t help but lean forward like you’re in a trance whenever he talks!! and you follow him around everywhere with your books clutched to your chest and cheeks hurting bc every single thing he says makes you laugh. and who can blame eddie for taking advantage of the fact that you’re hopelessly devoted to him after the way everyone in his life treated him?? it’s not like he’s being mean to you! he takes care of you!!

eeekkkkkkk tina!!! everyone in the hellfire club admires him and looks up to him like you saw it on their faces during his first scene right?? so it means so much that he makes it so obvious that you’re his favourite member <33 he goes “hello, m’lady” all jokingly and affectionately in a bad english accent when you walk up to him in the morning because it makes you blush and giggle all cute n he openly sides with you on literally anything when you and the boys are debating something dnd related at lunch

oh but when you say something to back him in front of anybody on literally any topic, which you do pretty much all the time because duh, he throws his arm around your shoulders n squeezes you into him n goes “finally, someone who knows what they’re talking about” to everyone but then grins down at you n goes “smart girl” aksjdkdj

omg and one time, you wear a skirt to school for the first time and he spends the day kinda just staring at you until you get all insecure n ask him if you’ve done something wrong :(( but then he tells you, knowing fully well what he’s doing, “oh no. no, sorry. you just, uh, you look kinda cute. you should wear those more often.” and you do hehe <33 it ends up giving him easy access for when he finally pulls his manipulative little move

#yk when he invites you over to his place late at night #to help him with his campaign n he’s telling you how he wouldn’t let just anyone do this #how you’re there bc you’re his favourite <33 #n when your eyes go all wide and adoring and you go ‘you really mean that?’ #he goes ‘’course.’ and puts a hand on your thigh where your skirt’s riding up ‘you treat me better than anyone else ever has’ #he keeps going when you literally just lean closer to him ‘why don’t you let me treat you huh?’ #n that’s how you end up getting fingered on his couch till you’re shaking n dripping down his wrist <33 #but then the next time he’s invites you over it’s like his little ‘let me treat you’ moment never happened when he asks you to suck him off #n you start getting nervous about it and kinda don’t wanna do it so he just goes ‘it’s only fair though right babe? remember last week?’ #‘don’t you wanna make me feel like that too?’ #eddie munson x reader #notsfw #tw manipulation #tw dubcon #tina i- alsjdkdj #HEHE #tina!!!

[judicent]

Yeah, I did fill 4 sketchbooks in 4 months so far this year. Huh? Am I gonna post even an ounce of it? Well, you see, I am allergic to my phone, so you will have to come CATCH ME

#da #nooo but I am so saddd it's so much easier to show stuff off irl 😭 #if it could look even halfway decent I've considered doing flip throughs of sketchbooks on video #except I draw in pencil and cameras hate that and want me to explode #idk it is truly just better to somehow gain access to my terrible trove of sketchbooks #no but man that sounds like such an ideal hang out. get all my oc lore by sitting on my floor with me as we go through the archives #gosh I should count how many I've filled up at this point #I love that the number increases exponentially as the years go on #like I think 2018 began the precedent of 4 a year minimum which was kinda wild #another ridiculous difficult project I have given a lot of thought to: combing through every sketchbook and either redrawing #or printing off important story related bits and compiling them all into a convenient binder. maybe binding them into a book. #anyway it's pretty much all a drag no matter how you slice it #come to my HOUSE and look at my CREATURES #u don't know this bc I've learned to be silly sneaky but I have stayed up wayyyy too late AGAIN #but I've scheduled this to post at a normal time so you'll never know. unless you read the tags. but that's its own punishment isn't it #hey bonus enticement to look at my boo stuff that doesn't get on the blog. there's smut. and you KNOW I'm a coward who shan't ever post that #actually we'll be lucky if I'm not the same coward in real life too #it's only Dick and Vinny. they get rights. i don't care if anyone else has sex. I don't care if I have sex. #the one song I hope I don't have sex. I hope we both don't have sex. that's actually Vinny though. #I'm more sex favorable and sex positive than he could ever be #y'know this is a very 4am convo to have and actually how prepared am I for this to live in a pm afternoon time #welp. maybe I should stop being addicted to tags and letting loose all my secrets #I shan't grow I shan't do better and I shan't ever change. this is the da promise <3

[dazais-guardian-angel]

one of the (many) reasons why this exchange makes me so emotional is that Dazai knows very well the feeling of only ever being used and taken advantage of as a tool, and not knowing anything other than that life. He understands that Sigma can’t yet comprehend the notion of someone wanting you without any ulterior motives, of people just having natural relationships that don’t involve wanting to get something out of each other, because that was his life before he met Oda, who was a “balm for the soul” (in his own words) for him; hence, he doesn’t try to explain it to Sigma at first. But he does relent once Sigma takes Dazai’s initial silence as him being unworthy for an explanation... He doesn’t go into more detail as to why “understanding would be difficult”, because that would require opening up about himself which is something Dazai is still far from ready for, and because he knows Sigma wouldn’t be able to fully understand or accept all of this yet, but just the two reasons he does give for choosing him are already causing Sigma to start to rethink everything he’s ever known about the world and how people treat each other.

Dazai chose him to use his ability, just like everyone who’s always used Sigma has -- but he also chose him to save his life, and to help the agency, people he cares about and wants to help for completely selfless reasons, without expecting anything in return (sure, Dazai jokes about him being on the agency’s payroll, but that’s just his usual deflecting to avoid admitting that he cares :’). This is completely foreign behavior in Sigma’s world, where everyone has to use each other in order to survive, but he’s realizing that Dazai is different from them: he’s realizing what it feels like to be wanted simply out of compassion and love, and not because of how valuable he may be. Sigma isn’t just any other ordinary orphan Dazai saves; he wants to save him particularly because he empathizes with him and sees his old, hurt, jaded self in him, and he’s slowly becoming the balm for the soul for Sigma that Oda was for himself back then, which is truly touching.

#bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs spoilers #meta #bsd 105.5 #Sigma is 100% joining the ADA by the end 😭😭😭 I just know Dazai has already adopted him #look at the softness in his face!!! he's making this Sigma's entrance exam you cannot tell me otherwise!!! #i know people like to say that Dazai sees his younger self in Atsushi #and yeah in a general more broad sense you could argue that #but Sigma is really who he can empathize with #even though Sigma personality-wise is more similar to Atsushi #but his past and the worldview it's given him of how people only ever have ulterior motives and want to use each other #is more similar to pre-Oda Dazai #he has Atsushi's anxiety and low self-esteem issues but his life experiences are Dazai's #he fought so hard for a home on his own - the casino - because no one else would ever give him one #he never had any reason to believe anyone ever would give him one #he's always wanted a HOME but never expected a FAMILY #but now Dazai is the first person who's ever chosen him for /him/ #Atsushi showed him kindness earlier too but Dazai CHOSE him #both are so important and are having such a profound effect on Sigma #I'm also convinced that Sigma's ability got information from Atsushi before he thought he was going to die about his purpose or something #in exchange for the info about the page #and that that's going to come into play here during the peak of Sigma's development #it all just makes me so emotional ahhhhhhhh 😭🥺💜 i love these two so much *CRIES*

[skitskatdacat63]

Lmfao my mom was getting on me abt not having enough to do this upcoming semester so I decided ah okay I'll add another class. And that's perfectly fine. But the one I picked results in the majority of my schedule being generally unaffected and still lax, but my Thursday being absolutely fucked.

For reference, on every other day I'd spend like less than four hours in class/commuting(anywhere from zero hours to almost four), but Thursday, its almost 9 hours combined 😭 which is like fine with me, but I think ill despise thursdays after this, AND MY BIRTHDAY IS ON A THURSDAY :(

#she doesnt like the fact that im practically free on Fridays #<- online class that doesnt meet on that day #so ah i hope this balances out sjkfkflg #the way scheduling in my school works has such a weird affect #my mon/wens/fri are gonna be so chill and then tues/thurs is just....something #it makes it worse bcs one of my classes only takes place for a section of the semester #and that class is mon/wens so im only gonna be online after that #though i still think ill have to meet w that professor bcs there is in fact reasoning for that class to be so short lasting #but tues and thurs is just stuff that ill never get any reprieve from lol #four classes in one day. we'll see how it goes 🥰🥰 #also thurs will be interesting bcs i will have two classes just abt middle eastern politics #i came across a class on the arab-israeli conflict and wanted to take it bcs its obv very relevant rn #and then the one i just scheduled is also abt middle eastern politics so i really am going to be thru the ringer #not that its a bad thing at all!! i just mean its interesting how relevant this semester will be and how im just getting intensely informed #anyways i think the way i schedule would be a nightmare to anyone else #i try to schedule every class after 12(or 11 at least) so then all of them are crammed right after one another #and i wake up an hour before class and leave myself that meager time to get ready and commute lmfao #my friend asked me when i eat lunch. and im like uh ;;; never? 🥰 #lol dw i do eat but like i treat my time on campus like how can i pack this as densely as possible #i dont like sitting around by my lonesome it makes me depressed dhfkkg #also i think i will actually kms with all the writing im goong to have to do this semester #that is my reasoning to my mom abt why she shouldn't be pissed at my supposed lack of activity #like im taking so much thats emphasized with writing. dont worry i will be in fact budy #*busy #catie.rambling.txt

[archduke-enver-gortash]

posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh

#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself #but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep #and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either #i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in #fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst #i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago #but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it #this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed #i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me #i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time #this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake #gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t #like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it! #i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life #when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so #i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have #but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip #and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude #though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i #it’s been gnawing at me #ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in #one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes #watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep #so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom #idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting #they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao #so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most #i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry #also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn #it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes

[icewindandboringhorror]

Very generic “”gothy” character in a children’s cartoon” type look just out of curiosity, seeing if I had enough stuff to put together a full outfit from a box of old clothes lol. I didn’t have an actual main shirt though, so it’s just a plain tank top with cat shape cut out of paper and safety pinned onto the front 

#Though not calling anyone generic if this is your style or something. I don't mean it in a bad way. I just mean like.. all of the steretypic #al elements are there. The choker thing. the 'fishnet shirt under a tank top' . the 'carefully placed slightly askew studded belt' etc. #the skirt + some form of patterned specially striped tights + platform boots combo. etc. Like from a character design standpoint #These are the elements usually present in a show when they want to portray 'this caracter is slightly edgy and alternative' #just missing like.. hair with straight across bangs in pigtails that's black with a few colored streaks in it. OR just like shoulder length #shaggy hair that's also streaky and has a sidebang. and like.. one lip piercing or something ghhjbjh.. dark eyeliner #black nailpolish. I'm not painting my nails just for one uoutfit though. I actually used to wear nailpolish more but I just hate the smell #so much now. I can't see how I ever was able to bear it. I think maybe because usually I had some bigger spaces with ventalation. I guess #I could paint them outside maybe. Still #It's still hard to beleive some poeple will like. full on #get their nails done on a constant basis. get hair done. etc.etc. Not even just becuase of the money but like. the sensory experience seems #ovwerhelming. I only have been to a hair salon like twice in my life and both times I HATED a person touching me. and having to like lay my #head back and get it rinsed. etc. I went to a nail slon literally once because someone else wanted to go and I happened to be with them #and the smell was bad to me and also I did not like them touching me even if it was just my hands. Also I've never had fake nails #and didn't want them so when I went in I just got them plainly painted a plain color with nothing special andit's just like.. I could have #done that myself for free lol.. I get going to a place with special tools and equipment if you want something complicated but like.. #why pay to have your plain nails plainly painted in a plain way #Hair thing if more bothersome though like. Maybe strangers can touch my hands i guess but like. letting someone near my head and face. #automatic bad reflex. Like an animal protecting it's belly or something. I think amplified by the fact that not only is a stranger touching #you but also there's like. so much. stuff. wet feeling on hair and then the feeling of hands and then so many smells and then other poeple #being there too. etc. etc. Though since my hair is so long now I have been curious every once in a while to like.. go into a place and get #an estimate. Not to go through with it actually but just like. hey if I theoretically wanted you to bleach my very dark extremely thick hai #r that is all the way to my fingertips. and make it like white.how much would that cost and how long would it take. I feel like it would tak #e froever and be very expensive since it'd probably use up a lot of product. I barely even keep up with coloring my own hair at home anymore #because it's always such a process. Instead of one thing of dye I need literally like 4 lol. etc. #Or maybe it'd be cheaper because they'd have bulk items instead of buying single package. But still. the man hours probably. cost of labor. #ANYWAY khjk... Another fun look just to be silly. Not really my style but it's all just playing dress up

[musical-chick-13]

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#the PROBLEM is. some properties I like I cannot even talk about my Criticisms™ because if I do it attracts people whose side I am NOT on #like in the case of a certain british procedural show adopting old mystery novels that went on hiatus a lot. I did not like season 4. #but that is not because The Ship didn't go canon and it CERTAINLY wasn't because I never thought any of the show was good in #the first place. and I don't like The Main Ship of the c-chibs era but it's because the way it was written was VERY much not for me. #it's not because I think the whole era is trash (that ship was really the ONLY part of it I didn't like I loved everything else) #I DO have beef with some of the choices in season 8 of The Gritty Deconstruction Fantasy Show but they sure weren't ANY of the issues #that anyone else had!!! and I don't think it retroactively ruined the whole show actually!!!!! #like it's just so frustrating. especially since sometimes I DO want to break down what I consider to be unfortunate writing choices. #and I DO want to complain sometimes! but so much of the discussion around various properties is taken up by me just. #trying to explain that I'm allowed to like it in the first place and defending why I don't think it's Unconditionally Bad #so I can't ever like. for example. discuss the deaths in 8x03 and my issues with THOSE as character endpoints #or why they killed mary and had her husband act terribly to her for no reason just before she died #or how shitty it was in the last era for me to see ANOTHER character be mentally ill but in the most unobtrusive palatable way possible #(and then also make that really weird comment about a previous love interest??? who WAS unpalatable in many ways--though not like. #canonically mentally ill. even if I and many other people are drawn to that interpretation.) #perHAPS I want to talk about my confusion over the story's handling of j/d for reasons that are not 'I hate these characters' or #'that's pRoBLeMaTiC and you shouldn't ship it because that's pRoBLeMaTiC' #maybe I WILL just make a 4-hour video essay unpacking all my Thoughts™ on that show. because people don't have to watch it! #they could just hit the back button!

[puppyeared]

weird that the shape of love is two beating hearts glued together and not two hands holding each other

#well technically it comes from the shape of two hearts sewn together but i dont know how that translates to romance.. literally its kinda #disturbing but symbolically i guess it is kind of sweet #my friend and i were talking and she said something about someone saying a lover cant just be a friend you can kiss but i think i disagree #i kind of think the point of a lover IS a friend you can kiss because like it must get exhausting having to convince yourself you can only #feel romantic things towards your lover right? i mean i dont know if my feelings are shaped like anyone else's so maybe its more of a case #by case basis. for me id like someone whose hand i can hold and i can make pancakes for them and maybe kiss but like not strictly romantic #and not strictly platonic. and my feelings are all over the place because one day ill be really into someone i like and another day ill be #really chill about it. so its hard to say what i feel for someone if its always changing #maybe thats why i think lovers should be friends you can kiss because its coming from my way of feeling? hmmm #like i want to be able to say i love you and mean it romantically one day and then say love you in a platonic way the next day and itd be #ok?? does that make sense??? like i know its the same phrase but its like the feeling i put with it is different each time. idk #its why i find dating someone hard because its constantly going up and down and its never balanced. itd probably really confusing unless i #were to date someone whose feelings works the same way. just some food for thought i guess but then again every relationship needs work #im not sure if that fits into the category of work though.. i cant tell myself what im going to feel #it just happens and theres not much i can really do about it except tell that person what im feeling. hnnnnnhhgh #maybe its better if i just stick to watching fictional couples work it out lmao #yapping #txt