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#or ptsd (if they even go over it)

thesylverlining · 11 months

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So, I, Um.... Yeah.

Perchance To Dream

Chapter One: First, The Storm

"There, there, you're all right now," I gently lied, as I lay him down to rest. And then, I told the truth, with all my heart. "And it will be all right. The room is dry, Sherlock. The waters are far, far from you, and they will not enter as long as I am here. Now rest. I will only be a moment." "Promise, John?" he asked, voice still high, faint, brittle. It was my name he'd said, I insisted to myself, most firmly. Mine.

(A fanfiction for Sherlock Holmes: The Awakened; Frogwares videogame series)

#Sherlock Holmes The Awakened #Sherlock Holmes Chapter One #Frogwares Sherlock Holmes #Frogwares Jon #Sherry and Jon #i did this ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY i simply have so mANY TANGLED feelings about Jon in general #and how watson would inevitably FEEL ABOUT HIM.#this GUY from sherlock's past who HAS HIS NAME and sherlock CRIES OUT TO #...no he doesn't know the Truth About Jon yet but he uh. will.#it'll be okay i promise but OH GOD i am ALL OVER the SERIOUSLY MESSY PTSD and Unhealthy but Ultimately Loving Struggles #they're both trying SO HARD.#all three of them are TRYING SO HARD.#and yeah we're going fULL SHAKESPEARE LEVEL DRAMA. nothing else seemed remotely DRAMA ENOUGH.#and that quote isnt flowery it's METAL when you know what it's about #'what dreams may come' = EVEN IN DEATH WILL YOU BE FREE OF NIGHTMARES?#and that's sherlock's world rn! lolol

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frecklystars · 8 months

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i know nobody is online rn to read this but ;-; i gotta get it off my chest i love ken so much he means everything to me he's making me so happy and i've needed him so so so bad. he's brought me comfort when my ptsd has been so fucking unbearable and every time i'm having a crying fit over losing my tf f/os or every time i'm having a flashback i ALWAYS immediately IMMEDIATELY think about him rushing to my side, holding me and saying "hey hey it's okay, i'm here, i'm right here" and it's such a relief because i haven't been able to genuinely wholeheartedly believe any character would be willing to do that for me the entire time i've been struggling this year.

i've never gone so long without comfort from f/os, much less being triggered by the ones who used to comfort me the most. so to have barbie and ken right now is like the biggest wave of relief every single day when i wake up and the hyperfixation is still there. sometimes i will literally close my eyes and sigh in relief when i hear a song and my first thought is sebastian or ken or six or... whomever. i love being in love again. i NEED this. i love waking up and my first thought isn't my trauma most of the time now, it's ken. or it's six. or it's barbie. or it's harley. or it's officer k. or it's... yeah you get it. i needed these characters so fucking badly. every time i see a gifset and get excited over it, i feel a rush of gratitude bc self shipping has always been the glue holding me together. it doesn't feel as intense or strong as the SB musical or TF used to make me feel but i am not picky. not at all. i will take anything and i'm praying this lasts for at LEAST another few weeks please

i may not be at a sense of peace right now and i dont know when i ever will be, it could be years, but im so. so. so. so so so thankful to have these characters right now when i've needed someone so badly for so long. i hope ken knows how much i love him ;-; i hope barbie knows how much she has helped me, has saved me from one of my major triggers and has helped me to love and feel safe around the color pink again. i wish they could see me when i'm not so broken but i'm glad they're here even when i'm at my worst, i'm glad they still love me even when they deserve to see me in a much better light

#it feels so fucking terrible not celebrating my bday with my starlight. i used to buy myself cakes and put his figurine next to them #i mean i still have... a little bit over one week... i cant... let it pass by without him being involved somehow #so i might make a quick vent doodle and queue it for the actual day of my bday #i refuse to not draw myself with him at least once for my special day #its not like we 'broke up' or anything but fuck it feels so bad #he's a literal fucking ptsd trigger. how fucking insane is that #im still in shock. im still in shock over what happened to me like i cant fucking believe it #wearing his necklace makes me cry so i just leave it on my dresser #that shouldnt be normal!!!!#but im hoping that shipping with barbie/ken is going to help me feel like i can reclaim control over my ships #bc my abuser made me feel like... i had no control over my TF ships whatsoever for a solid year #so now that i'm finally free of that toxicity i'm still shakily trying to learn how to ship again #i'll have moments where i'll worry ken will try to hurt me on purpose bc im so used to my abuser telling me how abusive any f/o would be #but then i tell myself 'hey what the fuck. this is MY story. NOBODY would abuse me i dont care WHO they are'#but it's so hard to unlearn several months of abuse 😔#and even harder to look at a character who i invested so much time and energy and money into #my voice clips. my cameos. all of my steve blum autographs. my art for steve. all of it feels sad and numbing #not just stsc but everyone in any TF universe feels like... a threat and i get panic attacks when i see very specific characters sometimes #its awful. it hurts so bad. i love ken so much. but nothing compares to what i had with my TF comfort characters #but it's okay bc... ken is holding my hand and he might not understand ptsd at all but he can still squeeze me tight #and six HAS c-ptsd he GETS it. and he's there to hold me when my nightmares make me fall apart. he's my rock #vent #ptsd #sorry it's 5am i had a bad nightmare and now i refuse to sleep again #i fucking hate ptsd i fucking hate living like this i rly wish i knew how to cure myself #im exercising im eating and drinking often im sleeping as much as i can #theres only so much i can do #when does it get better?? when the fuck does it get better? im serious. not rhetorical. when does this finally heal #i dont even know if im healing or if im just distracted... but fuck ill take anything

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salsa-di-pomodoro · 2 years

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I just had the absolute worst idea for a submas au.

WARNING LONG POST I DONT KNOW HOW TO USE READ MORE

Like. Ingo disappears, as usual. But people think Emmet killed him because of someone spreading misinformation that is taken as truth (no it's not volo i don't believe in evil volo. He's not immortal in this otherwise he would have come forward).

Emmet gets taken to prison while waiting for a trial and he has a rough time there for the little time hes in (i can't bring myself to leave him there for too long) because prison wouldn't be kind to a man like Emmet (autistic). But that's not even the main angst.

So unova is basically Pokémon America, right? I don't know about new York, or even how it works, but... There's death row in America isn't there?

Whatt if Emmet ended up on death row over false accusations? (HE DOES NOT DIE, I CAN'T HANDLE THAT.)

Ingo comes home with some of his memories on the day of his execution. He remembers Emmet, a little bit, and he's excited to see him again. He reappears at the station, and the depot agents are ecstatic to see him, before they remember what day it is and they realize Ingo has no idea. The very second Ingo realizes Emmet's in danger he starts sprinting across nimbasa towards the direction they pointed him in, hoping he isn't too late.

People who are gathered in front of the building, to say goodbye to Emmet, to protest, or even to get a good scoop, they see him coming and move to clear the way.

The security guards can't really do anything but yell at him when he climbs over the gate, there's too many people to shoot (tranquilizers. Pokémon police is only a little bit better ive decided) safely.

Ingo's coat becomes even more of a rag than it already is after that, but he doesn't really care. Be needs to find his brother.

Meanwhile Emmet is talking to his family for what he believes to be the last time. He is, understandably, a wreck. He's gone non-verbal, they took his clothes from him an the ones he's wearing now have a horrible texture and he's obviously inconsolable. Drayden and Iris (and Elesa, if friends are allowed in) don't say anything either. They know it wasn't him, that he could never do that but they couldn't prove it. How do you reassure someone who's going to die for no reason? There's still the matter of missing Ingo, too.

When an officer says their time is up he wordlessly gets up to follow her as his family is herded out of the room. Iris starts crying and he feels nothing but dread and grief.

Suddendly, they hear a door bursting open at the end of the hall, and yelling. And then someone tackles Emmet with enough force to break him out of the officer's grip, and then they've dragged him to the other end of the room, far away from anyone else, and then his vision is covered by a familiar, albeit tattered coat, and then several Pokémon burst out of their pokeballs to protect them, and then he finally, finally lets himself realize who tackled him, because despite how they're clearly out of breath they shout, at a volume he hasn't heard in years:

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HIM!!!"

Emmet looks up to his savior. "...Ingo?" When did he start crying? It doesn't matter. Ingo is here now and everything will be alright again.

#tagging this one ig #submas au #submas angst #?#warden ingo #subway boss emmet #Elesa #barely lol #please be nice this is the first time i share something i 'wrote'#this isnt how i would write tho this was in the heat of the moment #shortly after all this Emmet asks Ingo if he believes Emmet could really murder him #Ingo says he's furious the thought crossed anyone's head #even more so since it got this bad #Ingo will have nightmares about being late now #they both have ptsd oof #they go to sinnoh after everything is over #they cant stand to be in nimbasa for a while #and they take a vacation so ingo can show emmet where he's been even if it was hundreds of years in the past #and emmet helps ingo readjust to being in cities somewhere where it's easier and more familiar than nimbasa would be #Ingo is still missing a lot of memories so Drayden Iris and Elesa and anyone who wants to see them really comes visit for a few days #every once in a while #also akari/rei visit too #still trying to decide if lady sneasler is there #by the way Ingo broke several laws in his rush to get to Emmet #they use the money Emmet gets as reparation for the trouble he was given as bail money for ingo lol #and also to go on vacation #or maybe they call in a favor with Cynthia?#who knows #sorry if this is all over the place i started writing at 2 am #then i fell asleep and then i had just woken up and my mind was sluggish and then i had to go eat so

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polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup · 5 months

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I was reading sea glass gardens for like the 8th time in a row (listen I was praying to the gods for a fic focuses on Megumi & Yuuta, for a fic that shows Megs dynamic with the Zenins more, and for a fun little gojo adopts the fushiguro siblings and forced his friends to play aunt and uncle. You checked all my boxes. I am in debt to you now.) and its the way I'm still seeing the little details that should've been so fucking obvious to me —

Megumi and Tsumiki fucking around and adopting some of Gojo’s habits and sayings? I know he was so proud that his children is becoming mini versions of him. Toji is crying in the depths of hell while Mamaguro is happy as hell in the pearly gates.

“It’s a garden” it took so long for me to peep that this was his domain. Like tfw when your domain is fucking you up. I pray that Gege shows us his completed domain. Actually I PRAY GEGE LET MEGUMI SHOW OFF HIS FUCKING POTENTIAL. But alas Gege is a coward.

THE NICOTINE PATCH? Oh Shoko my beloved. I get her. I fucking hate cancer sticks but if I had to spend time with corpses, being forced to converse with the higher ups, and having to be friends with Gojo and Geto AND witness their divorce. Well. I would’ve smoked something too. Like goddamn these bitches should’ve been at the club.

The little callbacks to the playbooks? How petty the sorcerer world gotta be for them to have cheat sheets on their enemies. Is that not crazy? Is this who they are? Petty bastards.

toji pulling up to get married in sweats. megumi killing curses at such a young age for his sister? toji giving megumi shit to get him to stfu? oh megumi you dodged a bullet with toji.

BUT WHAT I REALLT WANTED TO WAS THE BATHHOUSE. Megumi needs to go feral as a threat cause imagine how humiliating that must’ve been. A bunch of assholes & such watching you like some fucking cult. I really hope that Megumi and Gojo have some type of reassuring talk about his time at the Zenins.

(Yaga and Gojo going at it while Panda in the room is so funny to be but…it’s also kind of sad. Like imagine seeing your dad figure basically be okay, well not okay but not willing to fight back, about the higher ups and everything.)

Obsessed with the fact that I can toss up what seems to me to be a random niche interest and find a community of people who wanted exactly that. I’m thrilled I checked off your boxes.

The bathhouse was designed to be humiliating by nature. I talked about it more on another post (but fuck if I know where it is), but the point of including that whole bit was that I really couldnt think of any better way to emphasize that megumi wasn’t a person to them.

On its face, the private bathhouse with servants tending to it could be a sign of status. It’s kind of an old world nobility thing to have? Which fits with the Zenin, who are very traditional and value Megumi as their most treasured person to be born to the clan in centuries. He would be presumptive heir if Gojo hadn’t intervened. So they’d easily be able to cast this in their own minds as a good thing, as a way they’re taking care of him. He’s not subjected to the communal bathhouses or small private bathrooms like the majority of the clan—they’ve given him his own private facilities and servants to care for him in it.

However, once you take away Megumi’s consent, it becomes an absolutely humiliating and degrading experience that only happens for the Zenin’s comfort and not his own.

I spoke about this in the other post in more detail, but I tried to imply that this wasn’t the first time the Zenin had done this to him. And there’s two points that kind of implicate that—when Maki’s talking to Yuuta about how it used to be when Megumi was a kid, she says the first thing that they would do when he arrived in the clan was hand him over to the servants to make him presentable. She also talks about how viciously he hated the way they’d make him look in the clan, including stomping the clothes they’d make him wear in the mud. When Megumi himself is talking about the bathhouse, he says he was given over to the servants like when he was a kid. This wasn’t a new experience for him. They weren’t doing this to him for the first time. They did this to him when he was a kid, and he’s reliving all of that trauma anew.

In my mind, it was a product of how selfish the Zenin’s love for megumi is.

He’s their favorite doll. He’s a possession. They want him to look and act exactly the way they expect from him, and they despise any divergence from what they want the ten shadows to be. And they hate it when they’re reminded of how Gojo took him from them.

They don’t want him dressed in modern clothes. They don’t want his hair styled in a manner similar to Gojo’s. They want him to look like the Ten Shadows they always wanted, and one surefire way of controlling that is to simply do it themselves, whether or not megumi is on board.

And the thing is? It is such a fundamentally minor thing to let someone bathe and dress themselves. It would have cost the Zenin so so little to let Megumi do it. Even if they were still dictating what clothes he wore and how he styled his hair (which would still rob him of his autonomy on its own, they could have at least let him do the actual act of bathing and dressing himself. They could have violated him a little bit less than they already were. The biggest inconvenience it would have risked to them would be him doing something not to their exact standards and losing a few minutes to making him redo it. But on Megumi’s end, it symbolizes a huge source of autonomy and comfort. Letting Megumi bathe himself really does impact so little for them, but for Megumi, it could have saved him from lasting trauma.

The Zenin do it to him anyway because they value their minor conveniences over his very bodily autonomy. They don’t even recognize that as a genuine concern. He’s a possession to them. An object. They don’t actually love him, and the love they think they have is actively dangerous to him. They will violate him in a very fundamental way just so they can make sure he looks how the ten shadows is supposed to look, and they won’t care.

Being forcibly bathed against your will is just humiliating, especially at Megumi’s age, and it’s one of the things that hurt him the worst out of everything the Zenin just did to him. I think Megumi takes physical pain better than he does humiliation. Having to be exposed and vulnerable the way he was with other people watching was a more effective torture than locking him in a room with curses for days.

But there’s extra layers to it if you consider 1) this is something the Zenin have done to him before and 2) this is something that he could have stopped.

When Megumi was six, he was definitely at the age where he was already bathing himself. Some parenting books say parents should still be helping at that age, but his parents were completely checked out well before then. He had already been handling all his hygiene needs on his own. Having strange adults force him to let them do it for him was a traumatizing and infantilizing experience that represented one of the many ways the Zenin robbed him of all control over his own life when they had him.

But now it’s happening again.

And megumi probably didn’t think the Zenin would do that to him again, walking into this. He probably explained it away as them doing that to him because he was still a little kid at the time. He told himself it happened because he was six, and he’s not six anymore.

Having it all happen again was a very visceral reminder of how helpless his abusers used to make him, and immediately kicked him back down to that level with a very potent reminder. It’s trauma reawakening trauma. He felt like he was six again. He probably told himself for a long time that it would never happen again and it still did.

The other thing is that he’s a lot more capable in a fight than a six year old. He’s a grade two jujutsu sorcerer. He’s a fighter. And he’s being manhandled by servants who don’t have a lot of cursed energy, if they’re even sorcerers at all, and aren’t meant to be combatants. These are people he should be able to defend himself against easily. He should be able to stop them from doing this to him again.

For whatever reason, he couldn’t.

Maybe Gojos theory about them having something on him was right. Or maybe he was too worn down and broken from the cursed spirits. Maybe it was something else. Whatever the reason, this is something that he would have told himself he was strong enough to stop, and then he wasn’t. He either had to let it happen or couldn’t stop it even if he tried. It’s a new level of helplessness and humiliation that it made him experience.

In short, megumi does deserve to go feral over the bathhouse, and probably needs to. He’s really not okay over it. It would probably be cathartic.

#sea glass gardens #this fic was designed to make sure megumi came out of it with a really bad state of mind and part of the reason why is because it’s meant to #slot into the gap of canon between JJK0 and season 1 #Megumi walks into season 1 with his fixation on maharoaga at an absolutely dire level #he tries to pull the trigger there every other fight #and in my mind a lot of that’s because Megumi’s just /not okay/ when canon starts #this episode with the Zenin is supposed to feed into that #prior to the Zenin mahoraga was a last resort #but when we hit season 1 Megumi’s very decidely hitting ‘last resort’ a bit. prematurely.#he’ll start a fight and be like ‘whelp this is it’ bb try at least #this zenin incident is meant to feed into it #he had his moment of last resort. the moment where even Gojo and Nanami agreed that what the Zenin were demanding he do was a death sentence #and he /didn’t use it/ for some reason. they kept him from it.#mahoraga was his safety blanket over the years. the one sure point of control over his life. he’d die as a jujutsu sorcerer and not have #a choice in becoming one to begin with. but he’d die taking them down with him. he’d die on his terms. it was the /one/ point of control he #had. the Zenin robbed him of that and robbed him of a lot of other illusions of control #megumi didn’t have control over when he slept. when he ate. where he went. what clothes he wore. they even stripped him of the basic act of #getting control over his own bathing processes. it was the most violating loss of autonomy imaginable.#Megumi’s going into season 1 with severe ptsd and an almost manic desire to make sure he doesn’t lose control again. he wants to make sure #that he can at least go out on his terms. he lost every other feeling of security and autonomy and he needs to still have this #also panda was fucking sweating during that time #his dad was Not the most popular man in that room and he agreed #megumi thinks that the Zenin did that purposefully to hurt him and it would honestly hurt him worse to find out that it was a twisted act of #love. like. he gets hate. he understands hate. he knows why someone would do that to hurt him. he doesn’t know why they would do it out of #love. and it would disturb him on a profound level if he knew that was what the Zenin thought of that moment #they told themselves that they were putting him to rights and restoring him to the ten shadows he would one day be again and would #understand then. they can’t conceptualize a version of megumi that legitimately rejects them so they reject his autonomy and freedom in #getting to decide to reject them

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avelera · 2 years

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Listen, I don't think HBO Max was ever against Our Flag Means Death as such, but during the months of waiting for the renewal news, stewing in the fear and disappointment of past queer or queer-hinted shows being canceled or ignored by their distributors just because they were queer, I was passive-aggressively checking the likes over every single HBO Max tweet that came out, smirking with vicious delight every time an OFMD tweet went out that invariably got ten or even a hundred times the attention than any of the other shows they were trying to push at any given point, and part of me just hopes that there was someone at HBO Max who didn't want the queer little pirate show to succeed and they had to pick their fucking jaw off the floor when they saw the renewal announcement got 80,000 likes when most of their other tweets barely broke a couple hundred

#our flag means death #don't mind me being vindictive towards a most likely fictional executive at HBO Max #thing is I even liked shows like Winning Time #but I still seethed with hatred when they pushed it SO HARD on twitter when all I wanted was OFMD news #the ptsd towards homophobic executive decisions is still painfully real #thing is HBO Max actually hasn't canceled almost any shows #and with Taika attached even the initially lackluster reception probably never doomed it #quite the opposite I think the delaying the announcement after the popularity exploded WAS because it was doing so well #so it would have its own space to breathe #and clearly with filming in NZ they're going to get a lot of love from HBO Max going forward #I just like to think SOMEONE there who wanted to push stupid sports biopics over a queer little pirate show is pissed right now #and the money and popularity of OFMD is just twisting the knife into the wound of their wrongness #for verily i amst a spiteful bitch

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