#past me wrote a lot

[lostagoodcigar]

Brought to you by a tiktok where this guy was talking abt a girl he was seeing and how every time they had sex she’d give him a little treat afterwards (like a lil candy bar)

Like it starts when you jokingly toss Johnny one of the chocolates you had sitting on your nightstand after he ate you out like his life depended on it- he eats the candy immediately obviously as he laughs

Then you end up with a little candy dish on the nightstand, or in the drawer, any time you and Johnny have sex you give him a piece of candy, throw him a bone so to speak. Not on purpose but you think it’s cute- the way his face lights up when given the candy

You find yourself fucking somewhere in the house that isn’t the bedroom? Johnnys right behind you as you make your way to your shared room for his treat, not even realizing he’s doing it.

Whether you forget on purpose or on accident one day he just kinda stands in the kitchen like a kicked puppy and, “didn’t do somethin’ to upset ya did I hen?” His head tilted to the side slightly.

“What? No- what do you mean?” You are genuinely confused until he mumbles a “didn’t get my treat- ya know-“

You have to stop yourself from laughing as you ruffle his slightly overgrown mohawk before you’re off to the bedroom to toss him his little candy.

Honorable mention: I’d like to think Johnnys somehow ended up explaining this to the others, maybe just Ghost at first. And Ghost immediately understands it and is thankful his smile is covered by his balaclava- leave it to Johnny to get himself trained like a good dog

Basically what im trying to say is doing this to Soap would have him so down bad I think

#johnny mactavish x reader #johnny soap mactavish #soap x reader #it’s past my bedtime #pavlov train your military bfs #edit: I wrote this and fell asleep so its no longer past my bed time #I have lots of shit like this in my drafts but I had to word vomit this one and get it out of my head and into the void of this website idk #*throws this post up and runs away screaming bc posting things makes me nervous

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

Hello may 31th anon! Look at that, another year behind us and a new one to come. Have a nice day! ₍՞◌′ᵕ‵ू◌₎♡

#may 31th anon #hello friends!! (｡’▽’｡)♡ how are you!! I missed you so much! #I'm sorry that once again i have not been posting but I did that thing again where I got scared of posting #I do not know why but it is the same with physical paper diarys #I have 3 diarys and they all have 1 entry #I think one just says 'I am ten' #what have you been up to!! did you do something fun? is it summer too where you live? c: #my tumblr messages seem to be broken! I'm sorry if you wrote something :C it just says 'no new messages' despite also saying new messages #not a lot has happened here! I got a tomato plant and then I got very invested into the tomato plant and I have eaten three tomatos so far ( #my roses are also doing well!! I just got a new yellow rose and since she got here she only made orange flowers #I do not know the meaning of that #but I am very thankful! ( ˊᵕˋ )♡ I love it when things are orange!! #I've been trying to buy an orange shirt for the past 2 weeks but they always sell out before I get to them #I'm also thinking about buying a jean jacket #I have not worn a jean jacket for at least 15 years because one time in 7th grade tthe girl behind me said #that I was wearing a cool jean jacket and I just assumed that this was bullying for no actual reason #but maybe she just thought that it was an acutal cool jean jacket #we'll soon have out 10 year school reunion #maybe I should ask her #is anyone else going to a secret Sherlock phase again #I just want to see that silly little hat again #would sherlock holmes wear a jean jacket #have a nice day everyone!! #see you soon hopefully!! #♡＾▽＾♡

[yardsards]

a thing i enjoy: putting characters that aren't even aro (like not even in a headcanon way) in a qpr. because some allo people irl can be happy in qprs too. bc qprs aren't just an offbrand replacement for romance, created just for ppl who can't have "the real thing" to settle for

#eliot posts #i just remembered one of my old fics #which is about two characters getting into a qpr #(though they're both pretty young and i don't think spend much time online so they don't quite know The Word For It yet) #and while i actually don't have any solid headcanons for either of them i decided to make one be bi for that one #and he talked about how he's had crushes before and doesn't have a crush on that other character #but wants to spend the rest of his life with them nonetheless #very based of past me #also reading back on this fic wow i REALLY chanelled a lot of my teenaged self's feelings into it #tho i wasn't in a qpr it's like. i put a lot of my aro fears and feelings about my friends into the dialogue #i wrote the fic just like a year ago but had forgotten a lot of it and was pleasantly surprised rereading it

[drbtinglecannon]

It's actually kinda sexy of Caleb & Evelyn to haunt the narrative so thoroughly while never having any speaking lines or even appearing on screen outside of 400yr old repressed memories, delusions, and/or hyped up folklore

We don't even know for sure if Evelyn was a Clawthorne, or what she looked like, or how the fight between Caleb and Philip went down, or Caleb's reasons for leaving without Philip, or what their half witch half human baby looked like, or how long after Caleb left before Philip found him again, or what Evelyn did when she discovered her dead lover's grave was robbed, or how quickly after killing Caleb did Philip decide "I can make a new Caleb that's Better™"

We have scraps to give us pretty good ideas for most of these, but nope they really just haunt with no reward. Like yeah babes give us nothing!

#toh #toh spoilers #remember how it took all the way til KT to hear belos drop the name ''caleb'' but then the subtitles wrote it wrong so it became even more #of a theory fight & then it took until TTT for fucking masha to explicitly name drop caleb AND evelyn???? AND give us any scraps of lore??? #like we had so much foundation for it all but it took til the 3rd to last episode to finally confirm SOME of it & it was done in a way #that is unreliable bc its all legend & thats so hilarious in a mean way #caleb wittebane #evelyn clawthorne #philip wittebane #LIKE YEAH WE CAN SAFELY ASSUME MOST OF THIS STUFF BUT ITS NEVER ACTUALLY EXPLICT. THE GRAYNESS OF IT ALL #tc posts #my last hyperfixation before s2b aired & toh seized my life again was dgs & IT DOES THE SAME THING THERE IS ALSO A TRIO OF 2 MEN 1 WOMAN #THAT HAUNT THE NARRATIVE & THE WOMAN IS NEVER FULLY NAMED OR FULLY SHOWN & THE TWO MEN ALSO HAVE A DUEL TO THE DEATH LIKE. & NO WE GET #BASICALLY NOTHING ON ANY OF THEM EXCEPT HOW MUCH THEIR DEATHS FUCKED EVERYTHING UP. THEY HAUNT THE NARRATIVE SO MUCH #its a ''2 nickels which isnt a lot but its weird it happened twice in a row'' situation for me tbh #yes im disappointed we didnt get a fuller pic of the wittebane lore but also i kinda like its a vague thing of the past bc thats what it is

[aceofstars16]

Y’all all know I’m back on a Gravity Falls kick so…I drew my favorite six fingered nerd 🥰

Original art from Lost Legends, I pretty much just did a redraw lol

#gravity falls #stanford pines #ford pines #gravity falls fanart #stanford pines fanart #ford pines fanart #gf stanford #gf ford #gravity falls lost legends #lost legends #so many tags lol #aceo draws things #I will spare y’all the sappy stuff I wrote on my instagram post #but in short I’m very grateful for the break I’ve gotten from horrible depression the past week #and I’m just grateful I can feel happy again thank you God #ford has always been a comfort character to me but I think he’s even more of one now tbh #i understand him and Stan a…a lot more now from own personal experience and it just makes their story more meaningful to me you know?

[ganondoodle]

in all honesty, im feeling a bit burned out on totk, the more i think about it the more i dislike its story and lore, i dont know what to make of it it being so loved by everyone else makes me feel like theres something wrong about me :/ gonna try and take a step back from it all

#ganondoodles talks #i also feel kinda dumb #bc i feel like im both not reading as much into everything as smarter people can #but also am trying to look into it all too deep #like i know nintendy made the game with lots of love and care but i #i cant help but sometiems even feel outright insulted by some of the choices they made #like the continuity problems with botw #man i loved botw so much and i feel kinda stepped on for caring so much about it #is this whats it always like when a new thing for your hyperfixation releases? #its happened with multiple of my past interests... #if i wrote an more about it i just feel like im being hateful - which im not trying to be #i just feel like -fuck me for caring this much- #part of why i was hyped about totk was bc i thought theres gonna be lore and design stuff i can use for my fanworks #but honestly i feel like i dont want to use anything of it #i know usually when you feel like you are the only one feeling like that you are not #but still i feel like im the only one that thinks this game is so .... weirdly disconnected #...almost like spinoff dare i say #nothing fits together #..... i miss koga #everytime i met him i was filled with joy #:(

[brain-rot-central]

My brain: nah your writing isn't good

Tumblr: you sure about that??

#the support means a lot #i have bad imposter syndrome #being successful at anything makes me beat myself up more #because i almost feel like I'm unworthy of success #blame how i grew up #also i feel like taking credit for anything is selfish #even if it's my own work #so idk thank you again for the traction on everything I've written here #i never thought I'd ever have something i wrote get past 1k notes #let alone like 200 #neech's speeches

[judasgot-it]

Will update as I upload, although probably won't be consistent but this is my official masterlist...

Link to my AO3 here

Link to my Wattpad here

RULES <-

Hunting Dogs

When they want you in their lap (Jouno, Tecchou, Tachihara)

Playing Minecraft with them

Scent headcanons

Married life

Taking care of them during their monthly surgeries (Jouno, Tecchou, Tachihara)

Tecchou

kissing headcannons

Professor! Tecchou

Mean girl (ft. Jouno)

Happy birthday

Helping you with your cramps

Slow dancing with him

Carries wife! reader around at a party

Grocery store date

Helping you with insomnia (ft. Jouno)

Comforting barista!reader after a bad day

Songs he'd dedicate to you (ft. Jouno)

Baby talking him

What kind of lover is he? (Ft. Dazai, Nikolai)

Describing who you like to your BF

Tecchou with an s/o who was a strong sense of justice like him

Falling asleep on him

S/o has anxiety (ft. Dazai, Fyodor)

Falling asleep on his lap

Taking care of Tecchou after a mission

When their s/o wears flavored lipstick

Tecchou calling his partner his spouse

Taking care of you after being injured (ft. chuuya)

Soft headcanons

Vomiting on his shoes after eating one of his food combos

Jouno

Mean girl (ft. Tecchou)

Dad Headcanons

Helping you with insomnia (ft. Tecchou)

Calling him to tell him happy birthday

Songs he'd dedicate to you (ft. Tecchou)

Taking care of you when you're sick

Drinking morning coffee with him

He gives you a tampon

Tachihara

Carnival ride with Tachihara

ADA

Scent headcanons

Reader takes care of Kenji like their own child

Dazai

Last date before he gets arrested

Ex! Dazai asking to be taken back

Confessing to him

What kind of lover is he? (Ft. Tecchou, Nikolai)

Reader who is like Lisa Row (angst)

Confessing to Kunikida pt.2

Confessing to Kunikida pt.1

Argument with Dazai pt.2

Argument with Dazai pt.1

Dazai gets rejected by reader

S/o has anxiety (ft. Tecchou, Fyodor)

Reader has the ability to make people forget that they exist

Reader blames them after getting into an argument (ft. Chuuya, Fyodor)

Kunikida

Confessing to Kunikida pt.2

Confessing to Kunikida pt.1

Yosano

Being romantic with Yosano (fem! reader)

Drinking morning coffee with her

Ranpo

Getting into an argument with him

Reader has the ability to make people forget that they exist

Special Abilities Division

Ango

Comforting Ango after a long day at work

DOA

Scent headcannons

Fyodor

It's love, that's it Part 2

S/o has anxiety (ft. Dazai, Tecchou)

Reader blames them after getting into an argument (ft. Dazai, chuuya)

Nikolai

What kind of lover is he? (Ft. Tecchou, Dazai)

Drinking morning coffee with him (sort of)

Sigma

What kind of lover is he? (Ft. Mushitaro)

Mushitaro

What kind of lover is he? (Ft. Sigma)

Port Mafia

Scent Headcannons

Chuuya

What type of lover is he?

Reader blames them after getting into an argument (ft. Dazai, Fyodor)

Taking care of you after being injured (ft. Tecchou)

The Guild

Edgar Allan Poe

Scent headcanons

Margaret

Drinking morning coffee with her

-

Bsd men when their GF queefs

Bsd men who could/nt handle a long-term long-distance low-commitment casual girlfriend

Most likely to show their dick on a live stream (twitch streamer AU)

Viagra

Leftovers

most to least likely to sell you crypto/NFTs

Jujutsu Kaisen

Gojo

Sugardaddy!Gojo kicks you out of his apartment after he reunites with his BF Geto

Nanami

Stalking Nanami in an attempt to make him your sugar daddy (yeah idk)

Magic and Muscles

Kaldo Gehenna

Can I kiss you?

There was only one bed

Pregnancy Cravings

Orter Madl

There was only one bed

#guys i went through every post of mine i know these are mostly short but i wrote a lot these past few months #and why was my first post about mushitaro selling me bitcoin #bsd x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #this is for the perosn who wanted it #its ALL there now #even the viagra post #you can now see EVERYTHING #if you're noticing i may or may not love tecchou #and bully the shit out of dazai

[craycraybluejay]

writing is torture but unfortunately i am a writer and will legitimately die if i do not do it

#writerblr #writer memes #reading your own work trying to decide if anything is publishable is like taking repetitive psychic damage #however. #there are people who use a.i. to 'write' (disgusting) #and talentless editorless people who have migraine-worthy books on the shelves #so while self criticism is a feature of artistry that does not miss me #i feel slightly less worried knowing for a fact that i am both a human person who wrote something and that i carefully edit most of my work #and make sure not to make amateurish mistakes like Buttery Butter (smiled happily) #or like using the same uncommon word too often within a small space #unless its intentional for prose or rhyme purposes #you can reuse common words like said or the or and mostly as you like but usually dont use words like miasma a bunch of times in the same #same paragraph #flow. pacing. word choice. grammar. writing past a certain level is both creative and formulaic #past that certain level it takes no longer only talent or skill but a trained eye and a willingness to edit #it takes a lot of reminders and witty catchphrases for common mistakes and reading and rereading your own work #and most artists start disliking their work at a certain stage of this but #you have to push on #this is your calling. you must learn to banish self doubt and put in the hard work and time it takes to make something truly amazing #learning discipline is hard for me-- i ride on talent and inspiration a lot #but discipline is necessary because a lot of the writing process is tedious backreading editing research etc #obviously you dont have to do most of your editing on the first draft like i do #but you do have to get it done eventually if you want to truly get on the next level past just hobby writing #not that theres anything wrong with doing it just for fun and casually

[inflammatory]

#From last year Juneish I think If you ask me not good but I cant say shit about my past self CAUSE #I HAVENT WRITTEN ANYTHINGGGG IN MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS #Certainly like nothing of note in 2024 #in general something in my brain has shifted since the last time I wrote #every word feels perfectly ordinary and combinations only feel clever and not like a living thing so I can’t write anything I like #I feel journalistic #I feel like I’m way more comfortable in my personal prose/article style from spamming letterboxd reviews #and blogging LOLLLLL #plus songwriting which requires a lot of compromise for meter and rhyme and rhythm for me to like it #but the poetry muscle isn’t there anymore #where before there were pictures the veil has torn and I see them for what they are #which is #words and words only

[kijosakka]

dramaturgy; celebrity manhunt, pre-london -- im going to make it easy on myself and skim through pre-london first, as the most divergence in this AU happens during and after the fact. part of pre-london is the pre-season itself, the celebrity manhunt special.

so action comes and goes, noah gets out of the season and remains as chris’ PA for the year break. in that time, months before it actually happens, chris finds out about the new season (with producer word both pushing for ‘more drama/engagement’ or smth along those lines, and *noahs actual involvement this time).

while something something contracts might prevent him from just outright telling noah, i’d imagine that he’d all but say there’s going to be a new season and heavily imply that noah wont be able to get out of it this time. not only that but he also implies that maybe noah should give opening up to people on the show a chance,, cause, yk, hes about to be stuck on a jet with them,, for weeks,,

of course, noah is pissed at first. but in so many weeks or whatever he begrudgingly accepts it and just resolves to throw it like usual. as for the ‘opening up to people’, he lands on owen.

owen was nice enough, genuine to a fault and the person least likely to use any of noahs bare slivers of vulnerability against him. hes safe.

[*noahs involvement within the show as something that the viewers are very interested in. he could be ratings gold and they know it.]

now im a little bit torn over the whole ‘chris’ assistant’ bit; similar to the awakeathon i would imagine it might just be missing entirely and he would be fired before the fact. or it could happen, as a way to give his on-screen character some information. as a ‘look everyone, i have Depth. stop prying into my life please’

either way, whatever. *total drama dirtbags show up, chris locks them out of the venue, they dont win any awards, bus chase etc.

^ note here, per usual noah comes off as his usual uncanny self around the cast. sierra is there as well, im sure thats Something for her. however he does take notice of one (1) alejandro burromuerto, recognizing him and focusing on him. < this comes back during introductions, where he notes his behavior towards the cast.

[*total drama dirtbags existed as the original ‘new TD season’ that noah found out about and worked on for a little bit before he finds out that it was not in fact a real show and a coverup for something else (a grab for an extra contestant for WT) < hence, he knows josé from interviews/auditions he helped with, but doesn’t know alejandro since he decided one brother was Enough]

^ and just for extra clarity on the TDD thing bc ive kind of muddled it, say noah finds out about dirtbags, helps out whatever. and then the news breaks that its a fake phish for a new contestant for an actual show — fine enough, he’s already behind the cameras, so he can just stay there, right?

no, actually. its kinda just slung at him that he has to be part of the cast (smth smth his job is threatened under ‘contractual obligation’ like its not wildly unconscionable). and he is soooo pissed off, so incredibly angry at the circumstances he’s landed himself in somehow.

< but he is aware that he cant just bottle everything up because it will spill over; chris said he needs something to his character, so maybe he can funnel his anger into playing the game a little more. as the most outlet he’ll get before he can throw it and just be done with the show entirely.

^ and then,,, alejandro.

while the actual events of pre-london remain largely unchanged, his dynamics are changed with the presence of four different variables: alejandro, izzy, owen, and sierra.

alejandro i’ll get into more later with a longer post detailing what they think of each other mutually, but im gna touch on alejandro a little; with picking off team victory and believing heather is the only person who’s noticed his facade, he just,, doesnt really distinguish noah as a threat worthy of focusing on.

^ throughout the game and the events of, he does single noah out as the most tolerable of all his teammates but doesnt offer much intrigue beyond that until *new york. (to note, he’s a lot more comfortable with [oblivious to??] noahs detachedness than the rest of the cast since that empty demeanor is p common among whatever diplomatic events hes been a part of)

izzy is someone who’s character i established mostly in the long post i had about her?? but it is worth mentioning now though that she does stick very close by to noah throughout her time on the show, and routinely interacts with him where most of the cast had given up trying altogether.

^ it builds,, a kind of rapport between her and noah?? in some way after the fact he’d recognize it as a nice, ‘i-want-to-know-more-about-you-and-also-befriend-you’ thing, but during he reacts more like a yowling cat tbh. he’s built up this reputation and facade that make people stay away from him, and now izzy wants to stick around him and threaten his defense mechanism? no thanks. (< further reasoning for why he belays insults towards her during WT under the guise of his own facade)

owen is a special case — in the bus chase before the season, noah took the time to sit by him and build up the proper beginnings of a friendship, which owen is thrilled about < during his time on island, owen was really fond of noahs quips and ‘just wished he would open up a bit more!!’,, he thinks some friends would b good for him and hes right

^ and again, owen is noahs safest option to 'endear' himself to the audience with a friend. hes so genuine and understanding of where noahs projected character falls flat, and like izzy keeps interacting and wants to interact with him where the rest of the cast gave up (and noah the person becomes very fond of owen and the reprieve their friendship offers him very quickly)

and finally,,, sierra. i actually want to talk more about the Audience as an entity in this AU in a later post and sierra ties into that heavily. as established, noah is the one cast member she just doesn't know anything about. of each blog she runs dedicated to each member of the show, his is the emptiest; the most baseless. being in proximity with the man of mystery is exciting!

^ noah still comes off as very uncanny valley to sierra and his detachedness is immediately clear. but the key difference to her and and cast is that she has the Audience perspective --- he's intriguing moreso than offputting. (and also theres definitely Something there about the meta-analysis of panopticon as an in-universe topic and how sierra would relate/connect that once it becomes clear to the cast why noah acts as he does)

[*new york (same time space as the aftermath?) as the moment when sierra prattles off information about the cast but comes up with nothing on noah that his own interest is piqued just a liitle bit, and he starts building a proper relationship up with noah as the straightmen to the cast. < also come after london is something he looks back on as a Hmm. moment wondering what noah knows about himself.

^ alejandro does believe their rapport is one-sided bc of his own facade, which i want to mention simply bc he's wrong. it is no-sided. both of them r faking.]

now getting to the episodes themselves -- minor changes/additions:

in the yukon, he doesn't try to cuddle bridgette

^ also in the yukon, he shivers less visibly than the cast (think when in cold weather you get those microtremors that really fucking hurt after a few seconds). this is only because it feeds into the android joke-turned-conspiracy for the folks watching on the aftermath set

in new york, he was not actually asleep in the carriage nor did he explicitly pretend to be. he just Kept Quiet when heather did her thing

in germany, he doesn't go up to alejandro when he falls off the platform, but he does prompt owen to ask something along a similar line [to his canon ones]

in the amazon, he's the one to point out owens absence

in paris, the line of 'this totally works on my dog' he changes to smth like 'totally works on dogs',, for his own exercise of privacy really

in the space of the jamaica aftermath, he again disappears from the rest of the cast à la playa des losers save for owen. owen gets a hello during mealtimes and hes the only one.

and finally, the episodes of 'significant' development with noahs intrigue in alejandro:

beginning before any real events of the show during introductions

^ kicked off in germany similarly to canon, emphasized by newfoundland and the grab for DJ's alliance

and cemented completely [his interest in unmasking him] in jamaica, continuing onward with london around when he discovers that alejandro is acting skittery towards him because of his own suspicions

#i definitely meant to go more over the actual episodes and events here #but somehow got possessed and wrote all of this instead #i genuinely dk what happened. i blinked and had 1.5k words of whatever This is #i really need to copy paste all of these posts onto one document and try to organize it properly hmm #if theres any inconsistencies pls tell me but also be nice :( #i feel like i muddled a lot of things here hmmm #dramaturgyAU #total drama #td noah #total drama au #< scary have i tagged that before #i re-read this and had grammar changes but looking at it i cannot be bothered umm. sorry

[lanaevyssmoved]

please stop formatting your posts like this i cannot fucking read it

#fray.txt #god esp if u wrote a lot. its even WORSE #i have to literally copy paste this shit into a google doc or smth to read it #zooming in on my browser isnt an option btw. it gives me panic attacks. dont ask im autistic #why is tumblr obsessed with aesthetic over accessibility

[mattodore]

i’ve been pretty quiet on here and avoiding my activity and dms these last few weeks because october was easily one of the worst months i’ve had in a very long time and i lost my family dog of seventeen years and had a medical scare for not only myself but my cat and just all these things happened at once that felt incredibly hard to bounce back from mentally… but aside from being sick atm things are starting to get better for me and my family so hopefully i can actually start being. normal. again soon 🧎

#river dipping #i don’t think i get personal on here very often just bc. the pd. um #but i figured i should say something bc my avoidant personality disorder is uhhhhhhhh #certainly Avoiding. #i’m so sorry if you’ve messaged me or @ed me or just tried interacting in any way #ik i wrote in my pinned navigation that yea i take breaks and avoid my activity and it’s nothing personal #but i still just wanted to reiterate it #i tend to keep notifications off for tumblr and my activity and everything like i only ever check when i’m mentally prepared for the State #my brain goes into when interacting with people #it’s not that i’m ignoring you!! my brain is just. very bad. #and i have a lot of trouble actually replying #especially in private messages #i’m much more comfortable talking publically which is why discord is so not for me 😭 #i really have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone a lot this past year and it’s certainly helped a ton #but still. it’s a disorder i’ve had my whole life so 🤷 it’s still sticking around ykwim #so i’m sorry 😔 but i’m also incredibly thankful toward everyone who’s taken the time to talk to me and interact with me and just thought of #me in general even when i’ve been so isolated recently #ummmm but on the bright side i moved out finally and am at a place that isn’t gonna poison my brain anymore so ‼️ #it took a few horrible days for my pets to get used to the house but things are fine now and i’ve set up my room and am :) doing better #surprisingly my panic disorder has been absent since the move… which is very weird for me #i fr think my previous place might actually have been poisoning me like i’m serious #……..i might delete this post in a bit if i start feeling too crazy abt being vulnerable lmao. um. #but for the people that’re online rn! my beloved friends and lovers yk #there’s my little update

[goldkirk]

as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and (tw for murder/crime/killings) the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd

#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd #also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th #breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to #so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart #and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves #i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this #i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things #so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday #i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers #but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care? #people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better #if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war #anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter] #personal #add to journal #words n rhythm #WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS #cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao #i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes. #anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i #and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would #objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else. #this is a gift i give myself now. #this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do #trauma evolution #mosswrites

[daydadahlias]

not to sound mentally ill at 1:30 am on a Sunday night but. when I find leftovers that past!me put in the fridge bc she meal prepped for the week, or when I find sticky notes with reminders on them to brush my teeth or shower that I wrote for myself knowing I might be awake until 1 am again and forget, or when I see that a past version of me has already done an assignment last week so I don’t have to do it tonight,, I just want to say thanks to her for taking care of me.

#it’s probably just bc I haven’t slept a lot this last week bc of all the stuff I’ve had to do #but :( #I’m like oddly emotional over past!jess like we’re not the same person #bc like :( idk :( past me bought chocolate bars a couple weeks ago knowing current me would want them #I stocked up on food so I wouldn’t be hungry #I wrote reminders so that even when I got swamped with work I wouldn’t forget to eat or bathe or take care of myself #and I know that seems stupid to notice and like it should just be Inherent for a person lol #but !! freshman me didn’t do this !! freshman/sophomore me was all outta whack #and so :( idk #I’m usually so sleep deprived and chaotic that I forget I’ve even done things for myself until I see them #and sometimes I am consciously like ‘future Jess will really appreciate this’ #like last night !! I did an assignment that’s not even due until the 29TH!!!!!!! #bc I had the motivation and I knew future Jess would be happy #and when it comes to the 29TH and I don’t have to worry about it I WILL be so happy!!!!!!! #I love people :( #I love what we do for ourselves #I love me #so yeah :) #that’s my bit for the night ok byeee

[sunglassesmish]

i hate that you're feeling this way about Misha, i hate it because i went through the same with Jared and i know it sucks, to be disappointed on someone you had in high regards.

i'm not going to lie, i was a Sam girl, i loved Jared a lot, just as much as Jensen and Misha and even after the finale happened i was out there like an idiot defending him, and i didn't drop him until i found out about the "come and take it" tattoo he has on his arm.

i'm Mexican, and that felt way too personal, and it hurt me, i cried, just to think that maybe he looks down on people like me. point is, after that, looking back i realized Jared isn't exactly the best person.

but Misha is a good person, and looking back we can see all the good things he did over the years, how many people he helped, how kind he always was with the fandom, and how many lives he touched in a positive way. and now people is acting as if being wrong about something suddenly negates everything good he's ever done, and that is just not fair, he doesn't deserve that, he isn't a terrorist, all he did was speak an opinion.

oh my gosh i am so sorry! i can’t even imagine how much it must have hurt to find that out about someone you looked up to so much :(

and i hate it too, believe me.

i do think misha is a genuinely good person but i’m just a little disappointed at the moment. i don’t think he was wrong in everything that he said, but a lot of it i disagreed with and it honestly hurt to read. i know he’s not perfect, and i don’t know him personally and people can grow and change and learn. and he has proved that over and over. so i guess i’m just hoping that’ll happen with this.

but instead of waiting for that to happen, i’m going to continue trying to help in any way that i can and keep talking about palestine. but misha isn’t right now. i know he ‘just stated an opinion’ but it didn’t help anyone or anything, let alone himself.

#anon #ask #i hope this doesn’t come across as me trying to attack you or something #i just want to point out that there are a lot of things he could have done to help like he’s done in the past with so many different causes #and people #but for this he hasn’t #and considering how he’s being such close friends with giles… #i’ve seen people suggest maybe he could start something with him that could help out palestinians #which is a lot better than his proposed ideas from that article he wrote #sorry it sounds like i’m addressing you anon but i’m just thinking out loud now (or typing)