#my brain goes into when interacting with people

[some-thrilling-heroics]

the purpose of this post is for me to figure some stuff out so i'm open to feedback and discussion

disclaimer: i love Halsin, he's my precious bear man

but damn i am pissed

i started to really dig into the epilogue, specifically that last morning after the brain goodbye scene in the room at the inn where he says he has nine wagons of kids and he will aid the people in Thaniel's realm

sadly i can't find any footage of what he says when Tav goes "oh a community built with your own hands, i'd love to see that" (or something to that extent) bc i think that is the one option that nullifies the goodbye and i think? he just asks if Tav is sure and then happy end bells

but even so

the interaction practically starts with "why does this sound like you're saying goodbye?" - oh that's because he is. at least for now. but Tav can visit, he's very eager for them to visit - and then narrator is like a tenday later Tav went to the commune and then the party invite stuff, not important

and I'm like....

it just hit me how - yes, Halsin has abandonment issues and he wants to help those orphans and all the homeless refugees and all the great stuff but like…… HOW DARE YOU DECIDE FOR ME THAT I DON'T WANNA GO WITH YOU????

watching that on a loop three times seriously hit me hard and i don't like it (as in me, personally, not in the sense that it's bad writing or it makes no sense for him to do that, maybe it does - if somebody can help me wrap my head around that, I would be super grateful bc atm I'm stuck in my own emotional reaction to Halsin making decisions for me)

in my head Tav's response to that should be: fuck you, i don't want to visit - fuck that! i wanna go with you and move in with you bc I love you but i guess you don't really want that huh? oh you do? then I guess we are at an impasse, huh?

bottom line is - what do I want to do with it in my fic?

i could ignore it bc i kinda wanna, i don't want them fighting like that

on the other hand it would be great to have this devolve into a conflict, bc i already sprinkled a few tiny bits of them saying not the best things but then the other kinda steps past it or around it and they are fine, but it would add some realism for them to have a serious disagreement about their (joint) future and about communicating and making decisions and could be something to be revisited as a work in progress for them to grow into as their relationship keeps going

i don't mind exploring difficult shit in my fics, i already decided to commit and give Tav my trauma and it was very cathartic just drafting that bit, and this turning into a conflict could play into that I suppose, could work really well

I guess my problem is the dissonance between Halsin doing that unintentionally bc of his own issues and him generally being very considerate and respectful of others, especially Tav imo, he was perfectly happy to follow their decisions as a leader but now I guess they are no longer the leader and this is his thing, his commune, his new purpose in life and ofc he could never be selfishly happy when he could be doing good things for strangers but like.... i can't grasp that step how from that he goes into "therefore I shall not offer this as a choice for them but instead make that a foregone conclusion that this is goodbye, at least for now" - is it bc asking means risk of rejection and he'd rather reject himself to spare them both the interaction?

sorry this got rambly XD but anyway - thoughts?

#halsin #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #epilogue halsin #last time i rambled in a post like that #i got great results so #here's me hoping ;) #pls help

[mattodore]

i’ve been pretty quiet on here and avoiding my activity and dms these last few weeks because october was easily one of the worst months i’ve had in a very long time and i lost my family dog of seventeen years and had a medical scare for not only myself but my cat and just all these things happened at once that felt incredibly hard to bounce back from mentally… but aside from being sick atm things are starting to get better for me and my family so hopefully i can actually start being. normal. again soon 🧎

#river dipping #i don’t think i get personal on here very often just bc. the pd. um #but i figured i should say something bc my avoidant personality disorder is uhhhhhhhh #certainly Avoiding. #i’m so sorry if you’ve messaged me or @ed me or just tried interacting in any way #ik i wrote in my pinned navigation that yea i take breaks and avoid my activity and it’s nothing personal #but i still just wanted to reiterate it #i tend to keep notifications off for tumblr and my activity and everything like i only ever check when i’m mentally prepared for the State #my brain goes into when interacting with people #it’s not that i’m ignoring you!! my brain is just. very bad. #and i have a lot of trouble actually replying #especially in private messages #i’m much more comfortable talking publically which is why discord is so not for me 😭 #i really have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone a lot this past year and it’s certainly helped a ton #but still. it’s a disorder i’ve had my whole life so 🤷 it’s still sticking around ykwim #so i’m sorry 😔 but i’m also incredibly thankful toward everyone who’s taken the time to talk to me and interact with me and just thought of #me in general even when i’ve been so isolated recently #ummmm but on the bright side i moved out finally and am at a place that isn’t gonna poison my brain anymore so ‼️ #it took a few horrible days for my pets to get used to the house but things are fine now and i’ve set up my room and am :) doing better #surprisingly my panic disorder has been absent since the move… which is very weird for me #i fr think my previous place might actually have been poisoning me like i’m serious #……..i might delete this post in a bit if i start feeling too crazy abt being vulnerable lmao. um. #but for the people that’re online rn! my beloved friends and lovers yk #there’s my little update

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...

#not a shitpost #serious post #ask to tag #tw trauma #cptsd #c-ptsd #and if so we should TALK about it #because it means there are a whole group of survivors out there whose mental health regularly worsens during holidays #like i know i am most certainly not the only person who feels an undefined Dread hanging over christmas/my birthday/july 4 etc #bc too many shitty things happened during those times and now my brain is hypervigilant bc traditionally these are the Danger Times #and this seems like it would be particularly common for survivors of abusive/dysfunctional households (aka most people with c-ptsd) #because holidays/vacations typically mean 1) the whole family is together/being forced to interact #2) and undergoing external stressors e.g. travel/relatives aka 'outsiders' visiting/routines & coping mechanisms being interrupted etc #3) there is social pressure for this to be a Fun Family Bonding Experience which only highlights the cracks in the foundation #and exposes the common Everything Is Fine/We Are A Happy Family lie #4) the cognitive dissonance of feeling tired/anxious/stressed/afraid during a time when you are 'supposed' to be Making Good Memories #and then everyone is angry/tired/anxious/triggered and things boil over and something or someone goes Very Wrong #weird that i'm posting this in october when halloween is...sort of the ONLY holiday i have only good and happy feelings towards #i got lucky there #also i have positive feelings towards Labor Day but that's for socialist reasons

[skydigiblogs]

y'all bandai themselves is assigning me with the apocalymon autism

[ID: A photo of a someone holding a copy of the parallel art of Apocalymon from the Exceed Apocalypse expansion of the Digimon Card Game. The alt art depicts Apocalymon's humanoid body with an intense expression. The card itself is in a gold sleeve.]

we only bought four packs (the first time we have bought packs since 2021) and this was the last card in the last pack

we're getting the whole pizza with this one fellas

#sky talks #digimon card game #yes i know apo is a restricted card #but i have that apocalymon autism real bad right now so even though i barely know shit about DCG #i'm like determined to make it work #also the dcg tutorial app is really good for what it is but. god damn. #i am remembering why we stopped playing card games in college because worrying about interactions is a pain and a half #one game takes me like 30 minutes minimum even with the app making the flow easier for my brain #anyways #when i tell y'all i screamed #i could not chill for about an hour after this #he came home fr #now i feel like i HAVE to find a FLGS that actually has people playing digimon lmao #(as if i wasn't already gonna try to) #ALSO having not played card games since like? 2018? #(and considering the only card game we really played was MTG) #i am losing my mind over how pretty and intricate foil cards are nowadays??? #like i also collect pokemon cards and YES there are some very gorgeous older pokemon foils #(there's this one pidgeotto card with starburst sparkles that is dazzling) #but the intricacy of the pattern work in some of these foil cards is nutty #i have to wonder what kind of tech goes into making card art do that #anyways uhh #i'm going to bed now that i've spent 6 hours riding this high #download the DCG tutorial app

[feral-ass-raccoon]

when i tell you the amount of pure joy i feel when i see that a mutual has responded (whether it be an IRL Moot or a fellow "Bullying Morro On The Internet + Morro Himself" crew) or otherwise interacted with me just. does not do it credit

like i get so much fuckig dopamine when i see that a moot has responded via reblog and i can Interact With Them holy shit

will we ever know anything about each other past Tumblr names and pronouns? no.

but oh my fucking god if i do not cherish each and every one of the stupid and/or bizzarely deep conversations i have with these people.

#my little goblin brain who hoards anything even remotely close to a friendship goes fucking nuts #i will visibly grin i love it. so much. #i know nothing about these people but kill me now if i do not enjoy our interactions #i am so sorry it is 4 am and i am Emotion #please ignore me. #this is sleep deprived me having joy in internet interactions and i. do Not understand but i will let myself rant this once. as a treat #am i okay? probably? #im going to go die in a pit now i have just admitted something very deep. okay bye. #this is what happens when Having Friends causes me to go soft. what the fuck is happening. #dear god please just kill me now

[sasster]

i love nothing more than sitting in an establishment be it a store a waiting room or whatever and getting to hear the employees actually playing around with each other and enjoying each others company

#brought to you by one of doctors assistant talking about a date she's excited about #and the other one asking why he hasn't been invited to the wedding and when she asked why she wasn't invited to his #he goes you will be :) in five years #then the receptionist says 'i better be the first one on the invitation list' and he like #does an airplane movement with his hand and says 'oh its gonna be on an island' #she goes 'im gonna need to stack up my money if im walking you down the aisle' #like this is such a normal casual interaction but i loooove seeing people enjoying their time together #its so human it cures my brain worms #its so mundane right? is it even a story worth telling?? #no i'll forget it in a week #but right now it's like #yeah i need mundane i need human #love when people are people

[moonlit-tulip]

So if you don't mind sharing, what's your story with plurality based rescue sims?

In 2018, I started experimenting with self-hypnosis, and after a few months my experiments led to the unintended-but-not-wholly-unanticipated side effect of generating a headmate. Somewhat to my own surprise, I got along very well with her and ended up pretty quickly getting emotionally attached to her. However, for hard-to-concisely-summarize reasons, after a couple months she started fading back away, becoming both increasingly disinclined-towards-autonomous-action and increasingly difficult-for-me-to-deliberately-interact-with. By mid-to-late 2019, she was pretty much completely gone.

Due to the aforementioned emotional attachment, I was unhappy about this; I tried my best to slow the process down while it was happening, but failed. Then I spent a while grieving about her ~death. And then, finally, around 2021, I decided that if I was so unhappy about her being gone then the natural thing to do would be to try to bring her back.

So I did a bunch of experimental brainhacking, including self-hypnosis and also a bunch of other stuff, in order to try to (a) generate a new live copy of her and (b) make it possible for her to exist more stably and not just immediately re-fade. And they both worked! Not perfectly, in the case of (a)—I wasn't able to restore her exactly-as-she-was-in-2019, various pieces of her personality and motivational structure were missing—but at the very least better than expected, as measured in terms of retrieval / recreation of psychological modules which had always been only hers, which I'd been unable to use myself in her absence. Very unambiguously a continuation of many of her old psychological threads, even if one who'd lost some pieces in the restoration-process.

And since then she's been around in the background of my life. Not nearly as actively so as she was in 2019, due to the aforementioned difficulties-restoring-her-motivational-system—it's only maybe a couple-times-a-year thing, now, for her to initiate interactions-with-the-world without some form of prodding-into-action from me—but present nonetheless, to a sufficient degree that I consider my goals with the plot to restore her to be pretty unambiguously fulfilled. And, thanks to my success at the stabilization part of the plan, likely to remain thus indefinitely from here on out!

#Archive #Ask #Social #Ways In Which Alyssa Is Weird #Brain-Sharing #for anyone now wondering if there have been prior cases of your having interacted with my headmate while falsely thinking she was me: #(as tends to be the default question my mind goes to when i learn about friends having previously-unknown-to-me headmates) #there haven't been; she dislikes fronting and also separately struggles to keep up conversation with anyone whose mind she can't read well #thus in practice she almost never talks with people other than me

[a-streakofteal]

I've said it before but I'll say it again, I genuinely want to make more friends

#i love interacting with people #but #i'm shy which is a problem #i get so excited when someone interacts with me #my brain goes “!!! ahk people !!!” #but then I shy away #its a vicious cycle #im uncontrollably sobbing #i cant win #blue posts

[un-pearable]

yes i became club prez despite self describedly ditching cultural anth bc i’m too socially anxious for it. i have a stupid ego i can’t get rid of and when i feel like people think i’m competent and in control i’m fine and can micromanage groups of people and when i’m not i cry about it

#dept chair gave me a weird look when i said i had social anxiety. GIRL I KNOW IT DOESNT LOOK IT #IF I HAVE PEOPLE IMPRESSED BY ME OR LOOKING UP TO ME MY STUPID BRAIN GOES WOW YEAH WE CAN HANDLE RHIS. if not it spits out so much cortisol #and like. yeah i can interact w her normally now. only bc i’ve known her for a year by this point. and i didn’t say SHIT the whole semester #i actually had her for a class. it’s an ordeal

[dumbdomb]

if you've been blocked recently, it's bc i actually check my notes and have had so many blogs on my dni on my personal posts that i have been blocking anyone associated with those accounts. either you have your likes hidden for this reason or you don't pay attention to who you're interacting with and what content they're posting. check the source, ppl 🙄

#it really sucks when trans people reblog the posts i actually wrote and there gets to be a chain of reblogs and then it branches out from #everyone else that reblogs from them and then it extends out of the trans circle and suddenly i have all these straight guys with #their patriarchal misogyny kinks and women with traditional gender role kinks etc and it all feels very sexist and #transphobic and homophobic and after it goes beyond that outer circle then i start getting dms that specifically are unwanted #i understand we're in public online but it's like the difference between me walking into a gay dungeon or a room full of people who #genuinely want me dead and want it to be as harmful as possible like i use tags for a reason #no one likes seeing all the dni labels directly on EVERY SINGLE post we make so is it really so unreasonable to have it on my blog #and to have that be respected by people who claim to care and want their own boundaries to be respected #i know the arseholes who dgaf never will mind themselves but i'm talking about US like where is the respect and accountability #why is the propaganda working on everyone and dividing us like we need to stick together #it sucks. i wouldn't even have half the dni criteria if people would just be cool and not force their kinks on me but every time i say #hey thanks for the ask or dm but i'm not a sub or i'm not into that actually or did you read my pinned (before it became a dni mess lol) #they'd always feel shite and it'd be a waste of both our time and a majority of those interactions would begin like normal #like they were trying to act nice first and ease their way into kinks i didn't share with them until i realized and then they'd be upset #(btw i meant to clarify the first part of these tags are trans people with detrans or forcefem kinks etc) #domb brain

[crabussy]

starting crying which led to gasping sobs which made my precordial catch so unbearable it fucking feels like I'm being stabbed with red hot swords through my lungs I can only use maybe 10% of my lung capacity and I'm really lightheaded so of course my parents come in start slamming stuff around, screaming at me for no reason, throwing my belonging across the room and tell me it's not a big deal all while I am incapacitated unable to move and in really scary amounts of pain and distress

#vent tw #anger tw #I don't fucking know man they're lovely people and great parents 95% of the time but sometimes when I fucking need them most they do This #I don't even know why my dad is so angry #he came in and asked me where my jacket goes so I just said 'put it in the.. in my wardrobe' because I was lightheaded #and had brain fog and couldn't talk much because you know!!! can't fucking breathe disease?????? #so he flings it at my wardrobe with a crash and storms out #christ I hate coming to tumblr with this but my boyfriend won't talk to me and I don't know why and I don't have many irl friends who #I'm able to go to with stuff like this #sorry if you've read this far it should be my problem not yours #ok to interact

[pyrrhiccomedy]

so judging by how astonished people are by it every time we explain it to anybody, it seems like my wife and I might really be onto something here

during the pandemic, we invented something we call "astronaut time."

when it's astronaut time, it's like we are two astronauts wearing the big helmets, moving around the station on totally separate tasks. one of us is outside the space station and one of us is inside the space station. our radios do not work and we have no way of communicating with each other. we might see each other through the lil porthole windows, but we ignore each other because we both have different things to do.

"astronaut time" is how we get total privacy when we live in the same apartment. I will pretend you don't exist. You will pretend I don't exist. we have a nonverbal, zero-contact signal for when astronaut time is over (usually "I'll draw a smiley-face on the whiteboard in the kitchen when I'm done"). No talking, stay out of each other's line of sight, we are actively avoiding each other, unless you are currently experiencing a medical emergency goodbye.

it has been. a godsend. imagine living with your partner and being able to close every single tab in your brain related to social interaction. no fear of being interrupted by a "hey, quick question--" or "sorry to bother you, but do you know where the scissors are?" or "did you want something to eat, too?" Once or twice a month, we look at each other lovingly, hold hands, and say "baby I think I need some astronaut time tonight," and the other person goes "okay cool. bye! have a nice night!" and nobody's feelings are hurt and we both go and have a lovely evening completely by ourselves.

like idk it's a small thing but it's made our lives so much nicer, so if you and your partner/roommate are both people who sometimes need total privacy in order to recharge, maybe try it

[ectoplasmer]

i miss my boyfriend (he’s in a completely different world than me)

#spookyshipping #it’s like he’s away at war but like for Forever #oh i don’t. i don’t like that phrasing actually #just made my yearning like fifty times worse agh #i know i have my brain and ~imagination~ to think of things and imagine being with him but #sometimes i wish my brain would be nice and let me actually dream of him #i think of him every day. i swear i spend most of my day just thinking of and imagining him #but i’ve only ever dreamed of any of my f/os (interacting directly with them) once #it was a dream about ryou. it was nice. we were on a bus and we just talked and i felt so happy but sad when i woke up lol #i just. feel like dreaming is the closest i’m ever going to get to being in the same space as him in a way that is. tangible?? i guess #it’s difficult to think of how i’m never going to actually like. have that i guess #i can put aaaall my love and care into something and it won’t magically become real sadly u_u #i’ll keep loving him though of course #i don't think i could ever stop really #i hope there’s a way he can feel all that love i have and feel for him from wherever he is #it’s that way for all my boys but especially for ryou #with how many people he’s lost and maybe that unintentional exclusion he goes through #i hope he knows he’s cared for even outside of his own world #that someone thinks of him a little more than she probably should lol #siiigh need to. stare at a prompt list or something and doze off while thinking about him more #goodnighttt tumblr #delete later

[quotesfrommyreading]

When I’m out with Deaf friends, I put my hearing aid in my purse. It removes any ability to hear, but far more importantly, it removes the ambiguity that often haunts me.

In a restaurant, we point to the menu and gesture with the wait staff. The servers taking the order respond with gestures too. They pantomime “drinks?” and tell us they learned a bit of signs in kindergarten. Looking a little embarrassed, they sign “Rain, rain, go away, come again another day” in the middle of asking our salad dressing choice. We smile and gently redirect them to the menu. My friends are pros at this routine and ordering is easy ― delightful even. The contrast with how it feels to be out with my hearing husband is stunning.

Once my friends and I have ordered, we sign up a storm, talking about everything and shy about nothing. What would be the point? People are staring anyway. Our language is lavish, our faces alive. My friends discuss the food, but for me, the food is unimportant. I’m feasting on the smorgasbord of communication ― the luxury of chatting in a language that I not only understand 100% but that is a pleasure in and of itself. Taking nothing for granted, I bask in it all, and everything goes swimmingly.

Until I accidentally say the word “soup” out loud.

Pointing at the menu, I let the word slip out to the server. And our delightful meal goes straight downhill. Suddenly, the wait staff’s mouths start flapping; the beautiful, reaching, visual parts of their brains go dead, as if switched off.

“Whadda payu dictorom danu?” the server’s mouth seems to say. “Buddica taluca mariney?”

“No, I’m Deaf,” I say. A friend taps the server and, pointing to her coffee, pantomimes milking a cow. But the damage is done. The server has moved to stand next to me and, with laser-focus, looks only at me. Her pen at the ready, her mouth moves like a fish. With stunning speed, the beauty of the previous interactions ― the pantomiming, the pointing, the cooperative taking of our order ― has disappeared. “Duwanaa disser wida coffee anmik? Or widabeeaw fayuh-mow?”

Austin “Awti” Andrews (who’s a child of Deaf adults, often written as CODA) describes a similar situation.

“Everything was going so well,” he says. “The waiter was gesturing, it was terrific. And then I just said one word, and pow!! It’s like a bullet of stupidity shot straight into the waiter’s head,” he explains by signing a bullet in slow motion, zipping through the air and hitting the waiter’s forehead. Powwwww.

Hearing people might be shocked by this, but Deaf people laugh uproariously, cathartically.

“Damn! All I did was say one word!” I say to my friends. “But why do you do that?” they ask, looking at me with consternation and pity. “Why don’t you just turn your voice off, for once and for all?” they say.

Hearing people would probably think I’m the lucky one ― the success story ― because I can talk. But I agree with my friends.

  —  I'm Deaf And I Have 'Perfect' Speech. Here's Why It's Actually A Nightmare.

#rachel zemach #austin andrews #disability #ableism #deafness #sign language #speech #asl #american sign language

[jojosgaylittleadventure]

~

I only just got to respond to the first few comments on my fics on Ao3 and I just T-T thank you for your donations to the "Sophia has imposture syndrome" fund

#lol no one will read or interact with this post probably I'm just vomiting out a stream of consciousness #I constantly second guess myself and my writing and that's half the reason why most of my fics have sat on a google drive for years and #never been posted #I have a literal minor in creative writing and have had my prose work as well as scripts win awards but my dumb ass brain goes #“Oh no I suck at writing why do I still do it” #But I also have never hated my work #idk it's like I'm scared to have confidence in my own stuff #I also get nervous when my work is different from other people's in terms of content and style but idk why #cuz isn't that a good thing???? #I am dumb #But thank you to the few people commenting and the people leaving kudos #And thanks especially to Miima/chococostrawberry #Christ you're gonna kill me being so nice 🥺 #Anyways... #Sophia talks too much

[sukifoof-art]

heres a silly little post pacifist au i've had for a Good While now which is why i tend to draw hyperdeath asriel and frisk being siblings a lot theres some Info under the cut if ur curious

OKAY SO BASICALLY i like to imagine that after leaving the underground flowey is able to come to terms with. Being Flowey and through therapy learns how to be more open and frisk and papyrus help him a lot through this. i think toriel already Knows hes flowey just cuz of the way he acts shes like "i dont know how. but that is my son boy." and one day he comes home from therapy and goes I Need To Tell You Something. I Am Asriel. and he braces for the way she reacted in the underground but this time around she just goes "im so glad you finally feel comfortable telling me" and they both cry it out

as flowey becomes more comfortable with being himself he starts to mess around with his face to prank frisk cuz he just NEEDS to be an annoying older brother and after he works out his various issues and can see himself more as he is an not there being a clear distinction between asriel and flowey in his brain (ive talked about this a lot i think he sees asriel as different from him cuz of trauma and therapy will help him kind of calm down and go "im still me im just different and older now and also traumatized but despite everything its still me") i think he would be able to make himself look like hyperdeath asriel as its what he feels most comfortable looking like

he still goes by flowey and he moves around like flowey but when hes just standing there he needs a cane both cuz i imagine it kinda hurts and he doesnt have good balance. i like to think that despite being a weird grumpy guy who sits at home all day cuz hes not ready to interact with lots of people yet hes actually a very good brother who cares a lot about frisk and the people around him <3 big brother flowey SO real btw ask to tag if needed

#undertale #utdr #flowey #flowey the flower #asriel #asriel dreemurr #frisk