#possibly hypomanic tbh

[thebibliosphere]

Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

#adhd #mental health #mental illness #trauma #imposter syndrome #sorry for the wall of eratic text #feeling jittery af #possibly hypomanic tbh #either way #aaaaaaaaah

[prisonhannibal]

I honestly love following u because you're bipolar representation and I like how u talk about it and are open about it! I am also very bipolar and I take special interest in bipolar and how it feels/functions, so whenever you post about it, I feel like I can really relate and/or learn something. It's such a difficult one to deal with, so good on you for living and coping with it. Anyways, I feel ya, and I appreciate the representation! Hope you are well :)

thank you! I'm glad to hear that, sometimes I feel like I post too much about it and everyone is like "stop being bipolar isn't a personality" lmao but tbh I put most my thoughts about it on here because it kind of is the kind of disorder where talking about it irl makes people go "oh" in that awkward way, you know? the stigma is still very much there. I still have hypomanic episodes, but I'm on medication and I feel like most aspects of my disorder is being managed very well, and I kinda feel like thats a good thing to share because I know I used to feel very hopeless for many years. I had a pretty early onset for bipolar disorder, so I had episodes for several years before I was even diagnosed and I only turned 22 this year, and getting diagnosed and treated really changed my life and I wish I couldve known it was possible. I am very happy with my life even when I'm not hypomanic

and it is a difficult one to deal with especially if u dont know what it is!! it shows up so differently for so many people. personally i got diagnosed with a bunch of shit over the years but then they could remove all other diagnoses (except ADHD) when I got treated for bipolar because it literally was just one disorder like WHAT? it all went away! what!!!!!!

hope you're well too and that you can deal with the disorder as well as possible <3

[chamblerstara]

The post you recently reblogged with all the hands joining in the middle about being tired of people making fun of their illness, they all say ppl with X except for the bipolar one. It’s not people with bipolar disorder but bipolar people which stuck out to me because one says ppl with schizophrenia not schizophrenics for example, not really sure why bipolar was the odd one out there. Anyway if I remember correctly you have bipolar disorder and I was just wondering if this kind of thing bothers you at all? Do you distinguish between the phrasing of being bipolar vs having bipolar disorder?

Thanks for the ask. Honestly, I didn’t pay close attention to the language used (and I probably should have). I’d say I’d prefer the “having bipolar disorder”, but I’m not overly offended by the other.

I am offended by the assumptions people make or the stereotypes about people with bipolar disorder (that aren’t based on any actual knowledge of the disorder itself). And that’s what that post was about. How people with various mental illnesses often see it treated as a joke by people who don’t understand it at all. So that’s why I reblogged it.

I am very careful about who I tell about my bipolar disorder diagnosis irl because people don’t understand it. I’ve had people tell me that I couldn’t possibly have bipolar disorder because I don’t fit a harmful stereotype that I’ve seen all over the place my entire life. It doesn’t help that there are often misdiagnoses and that bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder are so often confused that, for most people, including professionals, they mean basically the same thing (they are very different).

I have depressive episodes. I have hypomanic episodes (for me, that means impulsivity, usually with money, pressured speech, racing thoughts, and increased energy/hyperactivity). I have suffered from it long enough that I have learned to harness my hypomania and get lots of stuff done. My symptoms are mild enough that it’s not really too much of an issue, but the diagnosis is important because it helps me know what to avoid (antidepressants usually make bipolar disorder much worse, for example). Hypomania is usually not something you’ll notice, even if you know me really well, unless you know exactly what you’re looking for (I have had a whole one professional pick it out without me going through the symptoms for them, based entirely on the pressured speech). TBH, you probably won’t be able to tell I’m going through a depressive episode either, but those are more distressing for me personally.

#ask me stuff #bipolar disorder #mental health #Anonymous

[thatbipolarfeelwhen]

Hey! So I haven’t had a hypomanic episode at all this year. I can’t even remember my last one tbh. I’m not on meds, but have been working really hard on self care and going to therapy. I’ve also been going through a bit of a rough patch too. I’m wondering if anyone else has gone months without hypomania? Did I somehow grow out of this..? I want to be prepared for another episode if I find out that this is normal. Thanks!

I want to preface this by saying I’m not a doctor or professional so please take everything I say at face value-

I personally don’t know much about being unmedicated and the periods between hypomanic episodes, but my guess would be that you could have months of stability. I’ve been on the proper meds for about 3 years now and had one hypomanic episode about 2 years after I started those meds, but haven’t had one since, so I do know that it’s possible to go very long periods of time without having episodes when medicated.

Does anyone else have any thoughts/experiences they’d like the share?

-Mod Sarah.

#anonymous #ask #actuallybipolar #bipolar disorder #hypomanic

[imanes]

it might be comforting for you to know haha, i drink soylent now and then and for a while on and off i drank that kind of think almost exclusively. im glad i don't so much anymore, but who it's really for, deep down, and who the geeds who really invented it are, are the adhd/autism/bipolar crowd. appetite issues bc of sensory problems, executive dysfunction, and hyperfixative episodes. even worse on appetite suppressant meds like adderall :/ (1/ )

when i have the hardest time eating, food i usually like is abt as appealing as a frozen block of tapioca, wrapped in seaweed, left to float in a warm smelly ocean for a little while. soylent and stuff are designed to have as little flavor and texture as possible, bc that's the easiest thing to choke down so you can keep working or start to feel better. but if you're hypomanic/hyperfixative for months like, idk, it's just kinda easier sometimes. (2/ )

but yeah it's gross, and im surprised at how many ppl are into it. not a great idea for long term or for most ppl i feel like

but yeah it's gross, and im surprised at how many ppl are into it. not a great idea for long term or for most ppl i feel like

khdkjjghdfgkjdgkfghdfgkfhgdgsg i also love celery

oooooh i genuinely had not thought about this tbh i was just going off of that one huel ad that i saw bc it made it look like a trendy thing and then the wiki summary literally made me see red but i can 100% understand that sometimes food can be overwhelming i’m sorry i made everything about myself and my tastebuds aljfljglkjd but i hope that u can find options that are a little bit tastier! sometimes i watch this one vlogger’s video and she makes the blandest food ever and people get mad at her in the comments for not using seasoning and condiments with her food but at the same time i get that it’s unpalatable as a concept to me but like if she finds that sustainable das none of my business. i feel like soylent-type products are hyped mainly by the silicon valley tech bro types that think that every single second of the day has to be as efficient as possible and eating is a lost opportunity to churn out more money out of their asshole or smt. in any case ur the only celery eater i respect. i still think it’s satan’s plant but at the same time i’m genuinely happy for you if that makes any sense LMAO thank u for the messages!

#Anonymous

[golden-loves]

12th house, uranus, neptune

12th house: do you like to be alone?

complicated question for me tbh. I have bipolar 2 and when im hypomanic i cannot stand being alone at all. i’m so hyper and antsy i get desperate for plans and to hang out with anyone i possibly can. but lately ive been feeling a bit more stable and ive been valuing my alone time again. 

uranus: are you rebellious? 

i’d say yes in some cases. I definitely like to party and drink which my parents hate even tho i’m 23. i’d also say politically im really rebellious in comparison to the politics i grew up around. I’m more liberally “radical” (i guess that would be the word) than my parents are comfortable with sometimes haha 

neptune: share one of your dreams. 

sounds cliche but i really just want to find a career where i feel like i make a positive difference in people’s lives. Whether I do it through non-profits, policy making/politics ect is still unclear but that’s the overall dream. 

thank you!!!

#ask game #message #colorsinautumn

[reversethebipolarities]

Hey, I'm 99% sure I have bipolar disorder. And I don't know how to ask for help I am not close to any of my family members tbh and I just don't feel comfortable talking to them about it. And they are so hurtful and rude to me I know they don't understand what's wrong with me but still. They say I'm acting "crazy" and I just feel so alone in this. So, my question is how do you deal with Being bipolar? and how did you ask for help? I'm underage as well so it's ten times harder to ask for help:(

Hi Anon!

Yeah that’s a tough one alright!

Okay, so the usual caveats:

I’m no doctor/licensed professional

I don’t know you or your family situation

I don’t even know your country

Only suggestions I can give are from experience

Rule #1: look after number one

But first, I gotta say this to you.

You are not alone.

And to everyone else out there with a mental illness.

Diagnosed or not, you are not alone.

I know how it feels to be unsupported. You may be surrounded by people who don’t get it. Who don’t understand why you work the way you work. And being understood feels impossible. Because how can anyone know what you are experiencing without crawling inside your skull?

They can’t. No one can.

But we don’t have to.

You are not alone. Because, diagnosis or not, others have been where you are and come through it.

And we’re here to help.

Support groups exist for a reason.

And making use of them is a sign of strength.

We’re on your team.

You are strong enough to know when you need a hand, and you are strong enough to reach out for it.

Anon, you have already taken this first step by reaching out to me in this blog. That shows you have what it takes. If you can do this, you can go the distance.

Now, how do I deal with being bipolar?

I focus on my sense of ownership. I don’t control my feelings 100% of the time, sure. No one does.

But I am 100% responsible for how I react.

Depression is often considered the hard bit. And it has it’s dangers. But I have more difficulty with the high phases.

With depression, it is clear that I am “unwell”. And I’m usually lethargic AF. I stay in one place and feed myself and keep clean and just wait for it to be over. If anyone asks and I don’t fee like explaining it, I say I have a migraine. Zero damage.

But if I’m hypomanic I don’t feel “sick”. I feel great! I can do anything!! LET’S GO TO INDIA!!!

And it’s this feeling great that has me ignoring the red flags in my behaviour.

So instead of stopping the energetic behaviour, I redirect it before it goes too far.

Cleaning. Writing. New creative projects. I make cool plans that might be the best plans ever, but are also totally cool if they never happen. And I make it hard to spend money on impulse purchases by freezing my bank cards in blocks of ice.

These activities help divert my energy into harmless (and sometimes productive) channels until the episode subsides. And hey, if one of the side projects goes somewhere, great!

When I’m feeling off, I avoid sugar, alcohol, and caffeine, as these can impact on quality of sleep (which matters massively for mental health). I avoid all recreational drugs as well. I mean, I don’t take them anyway, but I feel it’s worth saying.

Otherwise, I try to be as healthy as I can. I eat good food and lots of it. I work out three times a week. I sleep for eight hours a night. And I get out in the sunlight for ten minutes a day, whenever possible.

This stuff is boring and uncool and sometimes I hate my choice to be this healthy. But in reality it’s not that hard a choice. The truth is this - I can binge and be lazy and feel like shit, or I can suck it up, take ownership of my health, and have a great life.

I’m not perfect. I still act out and do unhelpful things. But these choices help me manage my reactions. And I’m glad I have the circumstances that let me make them

Now, how to ask for help?

That’s also tough.

I was diagnosed as an adult, which is a bit rare these days. But I know others who approached their families for help first.

Here’s their suggestions.

Think about your ideal outcome. Is it a diagnosis? Getting support directly from family and friends? Really focus on the practical elements you want, and why you want them.

Figure out which elements are the most likely to help you.

Figure out which outcomes are most likely to work out the way you want them to in the long term.

If you’re in a position to request help from family, it may ease the process to perform a little creative framing.

You say that they feel you are “ acting ‘crazy’”. It may help to own this.

You could say: “Yes, you are right. This behaviour feels out of character to me. I am aware of it, and I understand your concern. I would like to explore my options. Will you help me?”

Then if they are open to it, talk through your possible options. Make a point of including professional diagnosis, if that’s what you want. Or explain that you want to put mechanisms in place that limit any negative outcomes, while giving you space to regain control.

Whatever you are after, the aim is to take away their focus on you and your “behaviour” and how it makes them feel. And instead refocus their attention on solving a problem. All by giving them the opportunity to feel good by helping you.

Does this make sense?

Now I understand that not everyone is in a position where their family will respond the way they want. If you think they might? Then go for it. But if you think they won’t, rule number one comes into play.

Rule number one is “always look out for number one”.

Look after yourself first. Not in a selfish way. Not to the deliberate detriment of others. In this case, it may be a viable option to do your own research. Find strategies that work for you. Grow your understanding.

You may also choose to wait. If you feel that the support is not there, or you might make things worse for yourself, then this is a valid option. Look after yourself the best you can. And wait until you are in a position, or old enough, to get the help you need to improve your quality of life.

Regardless of what you choose, remember that you matter. And you are not alone

I hope this helps!

And if you need an outlet, suggestions, some real-talk on management strategy or whatever, you know where to find me.

#anon asks #bipolar disorder #bipolar #bipolar II #bipolar disorder ii #Cyclothymia #Cyclothymic Disorder #management #family #diagnosis

[prisonhannibal]

today in nursing school I learned that there's a type of unipolar depression called "major depressive disorder with mixed features" or "major depressive disorder with subthreshold hypomania". It's basically when people with unipolar clinical depression get "agitated depressive episodes", where they experience depression but also some symptoms of hypomania at the same time (but not enough to be diagnosed with bipolar 2). So it's like depression but Faster... which sounds awful... And it's thought that up to 20-40% of people diagnosed with clinical depression have this subtype. Anyway, for some reason I found this weirdly cool to think about. We humans like to divide things neatly into categories... we tend to think of things in absolutes... but things in nature are rarely black and white, and the lines between experiences of health and illness are often very blurry. So mood disorders sort of lie on a spectrum, from complete unipolar depression, to bipolar depression and mania, (and some mental health experts say there are even rare cases of people experiencing unipolar mania, with no or only very mild depression). In order to design an effective treatment strategy, psychiatrists and other MH professionals have to figure out roughly whereabouts on that spectrum your experiences fall.

yeah!! this ask was interesting to read, mood disorders are so weird to think about tbh.

like how there’s such an overlap with symptoms, and some of them can appear as other disorders but need to be treated in a different way, and they respond differently to medications etc. and how MDD with family history of bipolar can be different. Personally I had unipolar depression for like three years before my first hypomanic episode, and to me it would make sense to say I didn’t have bipolar disorder yet. But when I got treated for depression I got worse, so the disorder was already there and apparently it’s possible that me being put on antidepressants contributed to me having an earlier onset of bipolar than average (looking back now, I wasn’t diagnosed at the time). So was I bipolar the entire time? It’s weird because that means you can seem to have MDD for like ten years and actually be bipolar

I’ve said it before but being diagnosed was one of the best things to happen to me. after i started mood stabilizers it was like I could finally think clearly for the first time in years like my brain cleared up and I didn’t even realize how foggy everything was before. It’s like when you have a fever and when it goes away you’re like omg my brain works. or like getting new glasses and being like wtf I can see the leaves on trees??? they literally could remove several diagnoses almost immediately because it literally was all just bipolar disorder. but I was in the mental health system for years and when I was treated for other things I just didn’t get better, and then it took like 4 weeks to see drastic improvement on the right meds

and some people without bipolar disorder can benefit from mood stabilizers, some people with bipolar can use antidepressants (personally I can’t), some combine them. it’s weird to think about. I wonder how many people are actually misdiagnosed lol

and drawing the lines can be hard too. like with ppl who have an underlying risk of hypo/mania but have only shown signs of depression, or where exactly does hypomania become mania? For example, I’m not sure what it says in my papers, but I’m pretty sure I’m either bipolar 2 or bipolar not specified. But since i’ve experienced psychosis and being hospitalized for an elevated mood episode once (depression+full on psychotic mania), it TECHNICALLY is bipolar 1, but except for that one time, I live my life as if it’s bipolar 2 because I only have hypomanic episodes. what does that mean? and you can literally have only depressive episodes your entire life except for one manic episode and that’s still bipolar

sorry for the rambling and I don’t mean to be condescending because you obviously know a lot of this stuff because of nursing school, but this ask just made me Think about my experiences as a bipolar person