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softbobamilktae · 1 year

Text

Not a Replacement

Pairing: Idol!Yoongi x Clothing Designer!OC

Genre: angst. BIG angst. slight fluff near the end(?)

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: mentions of still birth, pregnancy, surrogacy, and grief. also vague hints at death and drinking as well as bad relationships with parents. This story was super heavy so just...be warned

Summary: After the death of their first baby, Yoongi and Rosaelia don't plan to try again. That is, until one of their friends offers to carry their baby for them. This doesn't stop Rosaelia from worrying about the outcome, though.

Rosaelia paced the living room. This was it. This was either the end or the beginning of the rest of her life, and she wasn’t sure which was worse. Jasmine had been seated on her couch for over ten minutes now, patiently waiting for Rosaelia to be ready to hear which way the news swung. She was so sweet, and Rosaelia almost felt bad for even allowing her to do this to begin with.

It had all started almost three years ago. Rosaelia had never wanted kids, but she’d discovered she was pregnanat. It had been right after Jin and Jasmine’s wedding, and when she and Yoongi had announced the news, everyone had been thrilled at the idea of having a baby around.

That pregnancy had ended in tragedy, though, and Rosaelia had been advised to never get pregnant again. That was ok. She could live with that. She’d never put it into her head to have kids, so the thought of not raising a kid shouldn’t have hurt her at all.

Except it had. It had taken a while for it to hit her, but when Jasmine’s son had been born, everything had hurt. Rosaelia couldn’t hold Namu. She couldn’t hold Esme’s daughter Elise four months later either, or even nearly a year after that, she couldn’t bring herself to hold Zelda’s baby boy.

As much as seeing her best friend have a kid hurt, seeing Namu and Zoro hurt way more. Seeing both of them had reminded her of that tiny baby boy who had come into the world sleeping. Antonio. He’d been born weighing less than a pound, and her time with him had been none at all. Somehow, despite, the pain, it had sparked in her the desire to be a mother. It made no sense. She’d never wanted kids but losing one she’d never even planned to have had made her want that life.

She’d apparently informed the girls of such a thing that drunken New Year’s Eve. It hadn’t been brought up again until recently, though. Sweet Jasmine was the only one who had had the courage to mention it after a whole year and a half. Not only had she brought it up, but she’d proposed an offer.

“What if I carried the baby for you?”

It had always blown Rosaelia’s mind how a bunch of girls from all over the world were so nice to her. Jasmine was like the older sister she never had, Yuna shared her love for companionable silence, Esme was the best friend she’d always dreamed of, Astrid was always reaching to pull her out of her comfort zone, Zelda very much resembled her younger sister, and Nubia was ever the sweet voice in her ear.

But this? This was beyond imaginable for Rosaelia. Jasmine would carry her baby? Whoa. Whoa. The sheer shock of such an offer had been enough to get her to agree.

That had been three months ago. They’d already tried twice, with no success. Rosaelia had been willing to try again, but only because she was told this happened often. Three was their average for how many tries it took. So, after three, if it didn’t work, she was done.

This was number three, and Jasmine was waiting on the couch to listen to the voicemail they’d received. This was what they’d agreed on, but Rosaelia somehow wasn’t ready. She was terrified. She wanted a positive, but she wasn’t sure she was ready for that.

“Rose, I know you’re stressed, but I have to go in ten minutes, and I really don’t want you to stress about this overnight. Can we please listen to it?”

“I don’t think I want to know, honestly.”

“You do.”

“But what if it’s negative?”

“What if it’s positive?”

“I’m not sure I’m ready for that either.”

Jasmine patted the couch next to her, and Rosaelia sat down.

“Rose, I don’t think you’re ever going to be ready for this. Either way it goes, we’ll know eventually, so we might as well know now, right?”

She nodded. “I guess.” She sucked in a deep breath. “Ok, play it.”

Jasmine hit the button to start the message, and the two of them held their breaths.

“Hello Miss Kim, I’m calling about your blood test results. We are very happy to inform you that the IVF worked, and you are currently three weeks pregnant.”

There was much more to the message, but Rosaelia tuned it all out. It had worked. The IVF had worked. She was going to be a mom. This was actually happening.

“Rose? Rose? Hellooooo? You there?”

Rosaelia blinked herself back to the present, but it was too much for her. She burst into tears.

“Aw, Rose, come here.” Jasmine pulled the younger girl into a hug. “How are you feeling?”

“Terrified,” Rosaelia breathed.

“Of what?”

“What if this was a mistake? What if I end up being a bad mom?”

“You won’t, Rose. I think the fact that you were willing to try for this is enough proof already. No one tries this hard for a baby they don’t want.”

And just like that, Rosaelia’s world had flipped on its head again. And this time, there was a very big chance of success.

◇◆◇◆◇

“Rosa, stop pacing. You’re just making yourself more nervous.”

Rosaelia sighed and glanced over at Astrid. “I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared that I’ll have more hope if we have a gender reveal.”

“And why is that a reason not to have it?”

“Because. If we lose this one too…it’ll be so much worse if I know.”

“You’re going to find out either way eventually, Rose. And besides, it’s ok to have hope. Even if it doesn’t last, you’ll have enjoyed it for a while.”

Rosaelia sucked in a breath. “So…I tell Jasmine yes?”

“I think you should. You don’t have to, though.”

Rosaelia wrung her hands as she considered it. She was so terrified. She wasn’t sure she had the mental strength to lose another baby, but she knew she should be more confident that this was going to end well. The problem last time had been that her uterus wasn’t strong enough to carry the baby, and that issue was remedied by the fact that Jasmine was carrying this one. That didn’t mean something wouldn’t happen, though.

Despite this, she informed Jasmine that she wanted to know. She knew that this time she had so much more support than she’d had last time. She remembered how awful the last time had been. Her water had broken at 21 weeks. That was way, way, way too early for a baby to be born, but it had happened anyways. After it was all said and done, she hadn’t known who to tell. It wouldn’t take long for someone to notice something was wrong, but how did she tell everyone? How do you tell everyone you just lost a baby?

Of course, the news had come out eventually. She’d told Esme nearly immediately, but she wasn’t sure how to tell the rest of them. There were so many other things going on – Jasmine was expecting soon, and Zelda was planning a wedding. Could she even tell them?

And then, Yuna had brought it up one night near the end of July.

“Rosa? I hope…this isn’t rude. If you don’t want to answer this question, that’s fine, but we’ve all been a bit worried. You haven’t…talked about the baby in a while…and you don’t really look pregnant anymore. Did something happen?”

This has surprised Rosaelia. First of all, she’d been surprised anyone had even noticed. She’d been doubly surprised that Yuna had been willing to ask about it. It was just the two of them tonight, so she felt a bit more willing to tell her than she had if they’d been in the presence of Jasmine or Zelda.

“We lost the baby. In June.”

“Oh,” Yuna gasped.

Rosaelia nodded. “I went into labor, and…well…he didn’t make it.”

Yuna rubbed her shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Rosa. I shouldn’t have asked.”

Rosaelia shook her head. “It’s ok. I needed to tell everyone eventually.”

It hadn’t taken long for her to tell everyone after that. Yuna and Esme had both encouraged her to do so, and she’d felt more relived after everyone knew. Of course, this didn’t mean it hurt any less, but the weight of having to tell everyone was lifted off her shoulders.

Somehow, that hurt was still there two and a half years later. It didn’t hurt as bad to see all her friends’ babies, but it still saddened her to see little boys. They all reminded her that in some other reality, she would’ve had one of those little boys now. Had he been born near his due date, his second birthday would be coming up soon.

◇◆◇◆◇

The oddest thing happened. Jasmine had planned the gender reveal. This, of course, was not odd. She was the one carrying the baby, and she’d wanted to be the one to make the cake. The odd part had been the date she’d planned the party for. October 24th. It just so happened to fall on a Sunday this year, which was the absolute best day for a party. But…it was Antonio’s due date. Jasmine probably didn’t remember this. It had been mentioned in passing nearly three years ago now. But Rosaelia sure remembered it.

By the time that date rolled around, Rosaelia wasn’t feeling so great. Even though it wasn’t his death date, it felt more like a death date to her than June 17th did. This was the third year his due date had come around, and every time it did, she remembered how horrifying that one June day had been. She remembered how deathly silent the room had been when he’d been born, and she remembered the lingering warmth on his skin when she’d held him. She remembered how bitterly she’d cried. He’d been so tiny, and he’d looked more like a little doll than a newborn baby. He’d had Yoongi’s nose, but none of his other features had been quite as defined.

She’d sat there for hours just holding his little body, Yoongi right by her side. Both of them had been in tears, and she’d realized she’d only experienced this kind of grief once before. This was different, though. Nothing hurt more than holding a baby you’d never get to raise.

“Rosa? What’s wrong?” Yoongi asked, settling his hands against her shoulders.

Apparently she’d been in their bedroom long enough to be considered worrisome, because he’d came to find her. She glanced up at him, feeling far too embarrassed about being caught crying.

“I…I don’t know if I can go…today. It should be Antonio’s second birthday. It…” she sobbed, and then her voice dropped to a whisper. “It feels like we’re betraying him by having another baby.”

“Oh, Rosa.” Yoongi crushed her in a hug. “We’re not betraying him.”

But it felt like a betrayal. Just like falling in love again had at first.

“But…he was supposed to be our first baby.”

“He was our first baby.”

Those words stilled her. She’d never thought about it that way. It hadn’t felt like he was her first baby because she’d never seen him alive. She’d remembered Jasmine talking about Namu’s birth not too long after that. She’d talked about his big, tired eyes as he’d looked up at her for the first time. Rosaelia had never had that. Her baby had been gone before the world had even welcomed him.

“He was?”

“He was.”

She could remember knowing he was alive. She’d felt his tiny flutters in her belly for a few weeks before that awful accident had happened. It had barely been noticeable, but it had been there. There had definitely been a tiny human in there, alive and active. Antonio had been alive. He’d been there before his premature birth had stamped the life out of him.

She sighed into Yoongi’s shoulder, finally giving into the tears. “He’s been gone for two years, Yoongs. Why am I not over it?”

“Because we lost our child. We’ll never be over it,” he replied, and she realized he was crying too. He pulled away from her just enough to look her in the eyes. “How about we go upstairs now? Even if not for us for Jasmine? She’s doing such a big favor for us already, and now she’s planned this party, so how about we go to it?”

Rosaelia nodded, fresh tears sliding down her face. Yoongi thumbed at them in an effort to clear them off her face. “Ok…ok. Let’s go upstairs.”

◇◆◇◆◇

Jasmine was the best at planning baby showers. She’d planned all but one of the ones they’d had so far, and that one had been her own. She’d made a cake, and the girls had helped her decorate the roof. It all felt so special, and it made Rosaelia feel so sad. It was awfully reminiscent of her first gender reveal, and that one had ended in tragedy only a few weeks later.

She was glad Yoongi was there with her and that it was only the few of them. If they’d invited other people, Rosaelia would’ve felt way worse. Barely anyone knew that it was her baby that Jasmine was carrying. They’d all agreed not to tell anyone for Rosaelia’s peace of mind. She didn’t want to have to go around with people knowing she’d lost two babies if this one died too.

She wasn’t sure she was ready to cut the cake when Jasmine handed her the knife. She didn’t know if she wanted to know. If it was a boy…she’d just be reminded of Antonio all over again, and if it was a girl…well, maybe that would be good. Esme’s daughter could have a little best friend soon. It would just remind her of Bianca…and Julia. Bianca, the little sister she’d let go of when she’d left México, and Julia, the girl she’d lost so many years ago.

She needed to not think about it for too long. Either way, she was having a baby, and that was what mattered. It was just a baby. Not Antonio. Not Bianca. Not Julia. Just a baby.

When she cut into the cake and it came out pink, she couldn’t help but smile. One glance at Yoongi told her that he was grinning.

“We’re having a little girl, Rosa.”

“We are.”

It made her happy, but she was sad all at the same time. She couldn’t even explain it. She wasn’t even sad that Antonio wasn’t here anymore. This was something else entirely. She remembered Bianca talking about being an aunt one day. She’d never wanted to her children of her own, but she’d always hoped that Rosaelia would have children.

They weren’t in contact anymore, though. Bianca had sided with their parents in the arguments that eventually resulted in Rosaelia leaving the country, and every conversation they’d had since had resulted in Bianca trying to get Rosaelia to talk to them again. So, Rosaelia had practically stopped talking to her too.

◇◆◇◆◇

The next few months seem to go by too slow and too fast all at the same time. Esme’s second daughter was born merely a week after the gender reveal, and somehow, this made Rosaelia all the more nervous for her baby to be born.

Once the 28-week mark had passed, Rosaelia was a bit calmer than she had been for the whole time. Jasmine had made it to the third trimester, and each week was one step closer to a baby who could actually survive the outside world.

The only issue left in Rosaelia’s mind was a name. What was she going to name this baby? She’d named Antonio when she’d been only 16 weeks pregnant, that was, as soon as she’d known he was a boy. But she hadn’t been so ready with this baby. Naming the baby would make her more attached, and she didn’t want to make it even harder on herself if she lost it.

The thing was, there was less than three months until they’d be greeting a little baby for sure, and she could come sooner than that. And…Rosaelia had some sort of idea. She just wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, though. It had been on her mind since she’d first been pregnant with Antonio, and now it was especially present as she thought about naming a little girl. Julia’s namesake had already been honored once in a clothing line Rosaelia had developed…but.

“My middle name is Isabel. After my grandmother. Mamá said it means perfection. Funny, isn’t it? She’d think I’m far from perfect now.”

Of course, if Julia were here now, Rosaelia wouldn’t even be having this baby. But she also wouldn’t have wanted Rosaelia to name the baby after her. “Give her a special name. Don’t name her after me,” she would’ve said. But she’d departed from this earth thirteen years ago, and Rosaelia wanted to remember her. Not that she’d ever forget her.

Rosaelia told Yoongi she was naming the baby after an old friend. They’d be calling her Isabella. Not quite Isabel, but close enough. Rosaelia had had full intent of giving their daughter a Korean name as well, but Yoongi had insisted they give her Rosaelia’s own middle name. Maria. Isabella Maria.

So, it was decided. They’d be greeting a little tiny girl named Isabella Maria on April ninth. Or…somewhere around there. Babies were rarely born on their due dates.

Rosaelia felt a bit heavier once they’d named her. She knew that likely, this baby would make it. But the knowledge that there was still an ‘if’ made her uneasy.

“Hey, Rose, what’s wrong?” Yoongi asked as they lay in bed one night. He could tell she’d been uneasy for days – weeks, even – and he wanted to know what was up. The only issue was that they never seemed to talk about their feelings, so it was a bit awkward broaching the subject.

She took a big, deep breath. “Just…what if we lose her? She doesn’t even seem real to me sometimes. I mean, I’m not carrying her, so how is she my baby, you know?”

He hummed. “I think it’ll feel very real when you’re holding her in your arms.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “What if it never happens, though?”

He thumbed at her tears. “It’ll happen.”

“But we lost Antonio. We could lose her too.”

“We could. We could lose anyone at any time, Rose. We can’t dwell on that, ok?”

“Yoongi….”

“What is it?” he hummed.

“I don’t want to lose her.”

“We won’t.”

◇◆◇◆◇

By the time April rolled around, Rosaelia was much more confident in Isabella’s survival, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t insanely freaked out when Jasmine went into labor.

It was long. Much longer than Rosaelia’s labor had been with Antonio. And while Jasmine was completely fine with this, Rosaelia just spent hours pacing the hospital. Jin had told her that everything was fine, and that Jasmine’s labor had lasted this long with her own son, Namu, so it was completely normal that it was taking this long. Apparently.

It was nearly eleven pm by the time the tiny girl made her appearance, and she was loud about it. This astounded Rosaelia. She’d never heard a newborn scream before. Maybe most parents didn’t like the sound of that, but to her it was a scream of life. Isabella had made it. She was alive.

Holding her a few minutes later was a completely unreal experience for Rosaelia. Isabella was tiny, but she was nearly six times the size her brother had been. Rosaelia finally understood the wonder of having her baby look at her. And, strangely, Isabella was resemblant of what Rosaelia had thought Antonio would look like had he been born when he’d been supposed to.

She had Yoongi’s eyes, with the slightest crease over her eyelids. She had his little nose too, but Rosaelia was sure her skin was a tanner shade than his was, and her lips were a touch too pouty to have been his. She was the most adorable baby Rosaelia had ever seen, even more adorable than Antonio had been. She had the blankest stare as she looked up at Rosaelia, but she was still so beautiful.

“Hey, look,” Yoongi chuckled. “It’s me.”

Rosaelia let out a soft laugh. “I never want to let her go.”

He laughed. “Maybe for just a few minutes so I can hold her?”

“Maybe….”

They’d be taking a little baby home soon, and it seemed surreal. Isabella was really theirs.

This is part of the Dad!BTS series that can be found here

A/N: uh...so yeah this is finally getting posted. Honestly I started this months ago and thought it would never see tumblr

It would be greatly appreciated if you reblogged the story if you liked it!

Taglist: @jiminie-and-his-pinky-finger @jinnie-forthe-winnie @thornedswan @kookstempo @armys-dna @fly-you-dam-fools @aianloveseven

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