#really anything can be a trigger for a daydream nowadays and my brain has been everywhere lately

[twobruhsinahottub]

Shout out to my fellow singlets with "innerworlds/headspaces" (quotation marks as im not sure this is the correct term for a singlet to use!).

A long description of my inner world and the way my brain works is found below....

I am a maladaptive daydreamer and autistic and i have a very detailed inner world / worlds / universes that i interact with very often. I call mine my inside brain. I visualize it as a world in the center of my brain (if all brain functions were on the outer shell, this world is inside like a bubble). It is infinite. It has layers and depth and it can be zoomed in and out to different parts of it. It can also be "swiped" to a different world (i have two main ones) as well as there being many alternate versions of each world. They grow and change with me and what i need most at that time. I only interact with one main one these days but i keep the old one there, in ruins, to remind me of where ive been and how that part of me is now gone and i have a new inner world now. I also have the mind palace (inspired by bbc sherlock) which is on the edge of my "brain" and "inside brain" where i store all important things such as memories and facts in filing cabinet rooms, and there i can project the memories onto the "inside brain" to watch them the same way i watch the characters in the inside brain!!!! Its great fun honestly and has pretty much saved my life as it gives me a safe space no matter where i am. All i have to do is dissociate and go in there and im safe from harm :3 it also helps with academics because the mind palace has a black board room and a few visualizing rooms that i can do math on and picture any words ive read in respectively.

Its very hard to explain how i interact with this "inner world" because i am a singlet and its just me (and my characters who are like dolls, i control everything they do and say and how they look and act etc etc) in there. Its not like a hallucination, its entirely in my head and i watch from different angles like from the perspective of a movie camera. And i can still see the world around me when im in there. Id describe it like dreaming while awake but i am in full control, so its a daydream really, but in the same space every time and its a very detailed world.

My inner conscious is also in there. His name is Harri. His appearance and personality is who i want to be and how i want to look and his voice is how i want to sound, but he does have a different life to me such as he is Australian American and is adopted, and he has hEDS, which I do not have (but many of my family members do). Idk if its weird that he has a disability i dont have but he just does, thats not something i chose, he just started appearing with braces and a crutch and i was like oop- okay then 🤣 yeah anyway Harri is a cool dude idk, hes 38 and hes like my best friend. He replaced the guy from my old inner world who was called Bill (he was technically just Bill Weasley but i changed him so much he was really an OC) but then things got bad with Bill and i had to start a nuclear war in that headspace to get rid of everything a start a new world.....my brain is weird.

Anyway I love my brain, I have to be careful to make sure I dont have a repeat of the Bill situation, but I avoid it by using only OCs and changing the story often so i dont get too sucked in to anything specific and start becoming delusional and dysphoric about not being a 50 something year old ginger wizard from Ireland- yeah.....that happened. I also started having memories of things that happened to him (which was not good because he had a very violent life) and becoming triggered when watching HP movies because I would remember being abused by certain characters 😬

Nowadays i know how to control my mind better so it stays safe most of the time! But yes that is my brain and my innerworld lmao, feel free to share your own experiences (both singlets and systems!!)!

Also bonus fact: my innerworld was actually my special interest for about 3 years? It was hard to explain so i said my spin was harry potter but it was actually my inner world that was based off of harry potter lol

#inner world #maladaptive daydreaming #autism #neurodivergent #headspace #system #singlet #did #osdd #im using those tags so people who relate can see it but i am a singlet just fyi #tags for reach #still dont know how to tag

[lovemesomesurveys]

What was the last thing you had to eat and drink? Pizza earlier and just a bit ago some water.

Do you take any prescription medications? Yes.

Do you enjoy lore? Sure.

Are you afraid of what's in the ocean? YES. Just the thought of deep water is terrifying.

Do you think there are people who are capable of doing magic? No.

Do you ever like to take a drive late at night? Those can be really nice. If I could drive I probably would do that sometimes.

When was the last time you visited a museum, if ever? It's been a few years. I like museums. Historical museums, specifically.

Would you ever own a horse, or have you? No.

What is your favorite memory related to rain? Hmm, I don't know. I just love when it rains.

Does small talk bother you? I'm just so awkward and bad at it.

Do you ever experience sensory overload? Ohhh yes. It's definitely gotten worse in the past year or so, like it really doesn't take much. Brain fog is real.

Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong? I'm usually pretty quick to blame myself for everything.

What do you think you'll be doing 5 years from now? What do you want to do? I'm not even going to try and go there, man. I have to take things day by day. Hell, hour by hour.

Have you ever written a love letter? The person never saw it, but yes.

Do you have a hard time making up your mind? Yes.

What's your favorite charity that you support? I used to donate to ASPCA often and St. Jude's Cancer Research.

What color are the shoes you wear the most? I always wear my black and white striped Adidas.

Do you consider violet to be purple or blue? Purple.

If anything was an Olympic sport, what could you win gold for? Survey taking?

Have you ever experienced bad karma? I don't believe In that.

Would you rather have whiskers or claws like a cat? Claws, I guess.

What's something you have a strong opinion on? My faith and abuse towards anyone, but giving a voice for animals and children is a big one.

Do you prefer driving, riding shotgun, or being in the backseat while on the road? Well, I can't drive so that's out. I generally sit in the front seat, but if it's a long drive I prefer the backseat.

If you ever played Mario kart, what character did you always choose to play as? I switched it up.

Do you believe that big foot is real? No.

Do you like to learn about different cultures? Sure.

Do you stay awake til 3am often? I stay up later than that every night. :/ I keep trying to work on it, but ugh I don't know why I insist on fighting it. My body actually fights to stay awake nowadays so I should just let myself get sleep, but instead I choose to just doze off and on while sitting up until eventually I lie down, which by that point the sun is coming up. It's so stupid, like close the laptop, turn off the light, and GO TO SLEEP. And I wonder why I feel so groggy and out of it all the time.

Do you know anyone or have you ever been bitten by a wild animal? No, fortunately.

What's the closest object to you that is blue? My pill crusher is blue.

When did you last feel full of life? Uhhhhhhh.

What do you normally daydream about? I find myself drifting off a lot to random thoughts.

Have you ever seen a tornado? Noo.

What was the last thing you apologized for? I don't remember.

Do you ever do anything specific for the full moon? No.

Do you know anyone or do you practice witchcraft? No.

When was the last time you were sick? Currently. The past few years? It's not the typical cold/flu sick, but in other ways. Although, I'm really thinking I may have recently, unknowingly, had COVID. That may have been the major trigger that triggered the brain fog. I've read that is a symptom many have experienced, one that has lingering effects. I've had this lingering cough I thought was allergy related, but now I'm wondering about that as well.

What was the last thing you purchased? Food.

Do you ever plant flowers for the bees? No.

What makes you feel powerful? Nothing.

What was your last coffee order? Yesterday, I got a, "Betty White Frappe", which was just a white chocolate mocha frappe with a couple pumps of hazelnut and a pump of vanilla with caramel crunch on top from Starbucks.

If you had to wear a crown, what would you want it to look like? I want the Scarlet Witch tiara/crown.

What was the last thing to scare you? Health related things.

Do you have to sleep with a blanket to sleep well? Not necessarily.

Watermelon or strawberries? Watermelon.

Do you own any clothing in the shade of navy blue? Yeah.

What was the last thing that caught your eye while shopping? I see a lot of things while browsing online.

What's your top 3 groceries you buy each time you grocery shop? Soda, snacks of some kind, sandwich stuff.

Do you ever listen to the radio while driving or bluetooth? We always have music on when in the car. My parents and brother have their own cars and they all just play their Spotify playlists.

Have you ever had a peach smoothie? I don't think so. I've always been a strawberry banana, banana, or chocolate banana smoothie kind of person.

What's the last song you sang out loud? *shrug*

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[downydig]

The main reason I struggle with sleep is because of maladaptive daydreaming disorder and I don’t really know how to get a handle on stimming late at night to cope with it

I usually have to walk and pace around for an hour or so and think my thoughts out. Lately , I haven’t been able to stop it really, sometimes a few hours at a time just to try to turn my brain off

I don’t have any medication right now or melatonin (I’ve been forgetting to pick up some and I ran out of the free pills I got from my sleep study)

Does anyone who struggles with maladaptive daydreams and sleep have any advice? I’ve never met anyone else with this disorder and I don’t know how to deal with it (I’ve always been teased about it)

#rambling #maladapting daydreaming disorder #I learned I had it when I was 11 when I took a random test #it’s addicting being in my own world but it’s also hard to pull out #really anything can be a trigger for a daydream nowadays and my brain has been everywhere lately #I just need sleep #I know it’s not an officially recognized disorder yet #but this is still happening and getting in the way of sleep and food which isn’t great

[thealphabetmurders]

Soon To Be

(Previous) (Next)

Chapter 4: The Kids Aren’t Alright

Pairings: Analogical and Royality

Word Count: 1951 (chapter), 9295 (full)

Summary: Everyone had their vices nowadays. Information and ideas are conveyed too fast and quickly for anyone to stay sane without a little outside help. There are healthier coping mechanisms than others, some more effective than not, and Virgil has tried pretty much them all, and he has more shit to deal with than most. So whilst many found solace in sex, Smirnoff, and santa marta, Virgil was still smoking in 2019.

Triggers: Talk of self doubt, smoking, crying

Authors Note: I am suffering right now so I am going to make my characters suffer as well.

(Read on AO3)

“When you sat down on your lunch break with me, you ate a quarter of your sandwich and then put it back down because you ‘were not hungry’, despite not eating all day. According to Healthline, smoking can suppress your appetite can be suppressed while smoking by decreasing your sense of taste which can make eating less enjoyable. Once you stop smoking, you are more likely to be able to taste food fully again.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist”

*****

“I want you to live a long healthy life Virgil, however smoking exponentially increases your chance of lung cancer, according to the CDC, the Mayo Clinic, and every other health source in the world. Nevertheless, second hand smoke can be just as dangerous for others around you whether that be a roommate, or friend, or…. partner (?), and I am sure you would not want to hurt them.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist”

*****

“You came into work today even though you looked as if you had the Black Plague. Thankfully I came in just to see you (and Roman, I suppose), and did not order any food. This can be helped by quitting smoking, because your immune system lowers your ability to fight off infections because of smoking; these illnesses mainly consist of represtory tracts, though they are often times more susceptible to the common cold as well. I hate to see you unwell, I hope you are feeling better when I see you tomorrow.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist”

Virgil was having a weird day. He was only a couple hours into his shift and he already wanted to throw himself out of a window.

Firstly, his interaction with Patton as he was leaving was… Odd, to say the least. Normally his older roommate would love nothing more than to get him to stay and talk about anything and everything he wanted, almost causing Virgil to be late on some days.

However today, it seemed like he could not get him out the door fast enough.

“No, yea, I made you an egg and cheese sandwich for you to eat on your walk to work, I even added mustard, ‘cause I know you like it,” Patton hastily talked to Virgil as he was throwing said man’s lunch into a bag, very haphazardly.

“Can’t I just eat it here…?” Virgil asked at Patton laughed in a way that made Virgil cringe.

“No way, silly goose! If you do that you could be late again, what would you do without a job?” Patton beamed and Virgil half-chuckled weakly.

“Are you okay, Pat? You seem a bit… Off?”

Patton sighed and for a split second it looked as though he was going to say something, but changed his mind by shaking his head and smiling, “Nothing is wrong, just in a good mood today,”

Virgil frowned, but dropped the subject, “Okay… Oh, can I borrow your phone charger today, mine broke,” Patton nodded, shifting a bit where he stood, “Oh great, I will go grab it-”

“NO!” Patton yelled, making Virgil jump. “I mean, uh,” Patton cleared his throat, “No, I will go get it, my room is a mess,”

The shorter man practically threw the charger at Virgil and pushed him out the door. It was only halfway down the stairs that he realised he had forgotten his sandwich.

Virgil decided to forgo breakfast today.

Next, Roman had called in sick, which was odd seeing as he had just gotten sick not 3 weeks ago and rarely ever called into work. Virgil had to deal with his dramatics on the phone, something about “there is no cure” and “this may be the last you ever hear from me”, with the phone call inevitably ending with a short “see you tomorrow, V”.

Now, Virgil was walking on eggshells because he had to work with the owner of the company, Nelly. Nelly is a very rich manipulative boss who is very good at customer service but is terrifying. She also owns 5 different businesses, not including Marx, so she is rarely ever there, making the situation all the more anxiety inducing.

She also chain smokes like no other, so Virgil had been waiting almost 5 hours before being able to go outside to break, so he was a bit testy at this point.

He began thinking about Patton and how weird he was today, like he was hiding something from Virgil. He took any other drag of his cigarette and reasoned that his birthday was coming up relatively soon, so maybe he was planning something. Then again, his anxiety is telling him Patton is finally sick of his bullshit and just wants him away. But Patton loves everyone? What could be going on him? Why-

“Why are we always meeting like this?”

The cool as ice tone brought Virgil out of his daydream as the patio door opened and the imposing figure from his dreams walked through the door. Logan has since then forwent the bandage and just let the wound on his face air, but has clearly not learned his lesson on carrying four too many objects under one arm. Logan set down his stuff and Virgil blew the smoke quickly out of his mouth.

“We have met like 5 times, Logan,”

He quirked up an eyebrow, “And you are always smoking. Does that not constitute always if it is only a few?” Virgil shrugged as Logan opened a patio umbrella on the gorgeous April day, “A synonym for always is consistently, y’know,” Virgil chose not to respond again as he took another draw of his mostly lit cigarette. Normally he would want to engage in conversation, but his temper and plight towards his working situation today was nothing that nicotine or attractive men could sedate.

Logan pulled out his papers and laptop, turning it up to full brightness, and began writing notes  from a box of text Virgil couldn’t make out.

“I thought you were only here at night,” Virgil asked, seemingly uninterested.

The med student merely shrugged, never turning to face Virgil (whose was facing his back), “I was incentivized to come here today, for some reason,”

Virgil huffed, “Does it have anything to do with the little notes you have been leaving me?”

Virgil could only see the back of Logan’s head at this point, but he could tell he was grinning; his posture got a tad more loosened, his back muscles relaxed, he stopped typing, most likely to laugh in spite of himself. He move his right arm to his face, and the legs of his black frames adjusted more onto his ears.

“I was wondering if you had gotten those,” Logan took a deep breath of air in through his nose and tsked multiple times before returning to typing, “And it is evident you have not compartmentalized my fact yet,”

Virgil was tempted to throw his quartet lit cigarette at the back of Logan’s black locks, but opted for furiously crushing it under his foot instead, “Don’t give me that crap, Doctor Arias-”

“Soon-to-be, Doctor Ari-,” Logan corrected.

“Whatever,” Virgil threw his hands in the air frustrated and put them in his hoodie pockets, “You saw me smoking when you came out here, you didn’t not smell it in the air,” Virgil scoffed and put one foot against the wall, “The only thing I smell out here is your bullshit,”

Logan stopped typing and sighed, turning around to face Virgil for the first time in their conversation, “I apologise. From our previous interactions, your vernacular was quite sardonic and witty, so I thought you would appreciate a friendly repartee while also learning about the dangers of smoking. I was only trying to help.”

Virgil twisted his shoe that was suffocating the cigarette making the tobacco and paper spill all over the patio and under his shoe. He pulled on the loose threads of his jacket, setting his jaw and not wanting to look at Logan,the med student had barely talked to him today but was currently tap dancing on everyone single one of his nerves.

“Thanks for trying to help, but no thanks, Logan,” Virgil hissed at Logan, still not meeting his gaze, “I am not a fucking charity case, okay? I don’t need help from you or from any of your preppy doctor friends,”

“Soon-to-be doctor,” Logan muttered, and Virgil glared at him. Logan was looking down at his shoes.

“There are 35 million other Americans who smoke that are not me, so find someone else to be your little charity case or pet project-”

“Wait no. Virgil, please, you’re not just-” Logan started, but Virgil steamrolled over him.

“Okay? Because I don’t need anyone to fucking save me. I have been smoking for twice as long as you have been in your doctor program,” Virgil pulled his hand out of his pocket and held up a two in Logan’s direction, “I think I know a little more than you. I am not an experiment or an autopsy you can just pick the brain of. I don’t want your help,”

And with that, Virgil swung open the patio door, and closed it with enough force to shatter the glass it was made out of.

--

Virgil was still angry. He was angry with customers for being physically incapable of reading, angry with Nelly for scolding him about turn times during a rush when for half of that she was in the back on her phone, angry with Roman for calling in sick and forcing him to work with one of the teenagers for the last 3 hours of his shift, angry with Logan for trying to get him to quite smoking and being so damn nice and good and attractive, and angry with himself for being just an unfiltered moron. Virgil has never been good at controlling his temper.

Virgil was wiping down tables and just had a few odd jobs to do before he could go home and finally get started on his project. Virgil loved graphic design, he really did, and muses for his final come in odd places.

He saw that he just needed to take all the garbage cans out and then he could go home. Virgil went around to the three big cans in the store and only one was over halfway full. He changed that then went to change the smaller cans (near the creamer cart and outside). The creamer cart can was good and so was the outside trash can, he could tell that without even having to go outside.

However, Virgil looked down and saw the remnants of his fit of anger. The tobacco looked like sawdust spreading out over the patio like a graveyard of broken hearts. He groaned, knowing a metaphor like that means he has to go clean it up a bit.

Grabbing the broom and dustpan, Virgil opened the doors and took in the still April air; the weather is always the best right at sundown. The thought reminded him of the time he spent with Logan just at sunset a few nights ago. The coffee on his breath, the soft look of his lips…

Virgil shook those thoughts out of his head and swept the patio; it was quite nice to be away from the hustle and bustle of customers before he leaves. Just as he swept up the last scrap of paper, he sees something that looks oh too familiar to Virgil.

He creeps over to the table, an animal stalking his prey, and stares at the napkin on the table with a pen on top of it. Virgil looks around him quickly, well aware no one is watching, then snatches up the napkin (a bit too eager, he may add).

“Virgil, you are not experiment to me. I try to help because I care. I apologise for overstepping, though. If you do wish to communicate further, hand my pen back to me when I visit next. If not, just keep it (or throw it away). I do enjoy your company. You have become incredibly important to me in the short time we have known one another.

You did seem quite upset today, though. Research into smoking and stress has shown that instead of helping people to relax, smoking actually increases anxiety and tension. Nicotine creates an immediate sense of relaxation so people smoke in the belief that it reduces stress and anxiety. This feeling of relaxation is temporary and soon gives way to withdrawal symptoms and increased cravings. Smoking reduces nicotine withdrawal symptoms, which are similar to the symptoms of anxiety, but it does not reduce anxiety or deal with the underlying causes. Let me know if I can help you in any way. I care a lot about you, V.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist

Virgil reads the notes 5 times. Then once more for good measure. He pockets the note with the others in his wallet. He cannot stop blushing if he tried.

*****

“You’re good to go Virgil- Oi, why is your face so red? You gettin’ sick too?”

Virgil tripped out the door, holding his wallet in his hand, “Uh probably! Bye Nelly! See ya later!”

#sanders sides #sanders sides fic #my writing #analogical #logan sanders #virgil sanders #royality