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therainscene · 1 year

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Much of the supernatural horror that Will has to contend with works extremely well as a metaphor for his issues -- the Upside Down is the closet, the monsters represent homophobia, his powers are as repressed as he is, yadda yadda -- and in my opinion, this makes him a relatively easy character to analyze. Being able to draw on the supernatural stuff just gives you a lot more material to work with.

Mike, though? A goddamn enigma. He’s often present when supernatural stuff is happening, but he doesn’t interact with it to anywhere near the degree that Will does, and it’s much harder to fold him into the allegory being told here without reducing him to “Will’s love interest”.

And that’s interesting, don’t you think?

That the “stereotypical” gay boy who attracts homophobes like moths to a flame has had his issues laid out in code since the beginning? Whereas the straight-passing one, who’s so deep in the closet he’s probably not even out to himself yet, is so hard to read that most of the GA assume his bizarre personality change in S3 was a symptom of bad writing?

Figuring yourself out as a queer is a challenge even today, and part of the reason it’s so challenging is because heteronormativity steamrolls right over our right to know that being queer is a valid option.

The closet isn’t a queer space -- it’s a queer-shaped void within a heteronormative space.

Stranger Things is full of examples of this:

Will isn’t shy about expressing his disgust at the thought of dating girls, but he’s dealing with a lot of childhood trauma so he’s just a late bloomer, right?

Will is jealous and upset about his new step-sister’s relationship with the boy he’s been attached to at the hip since he was five, but it must be because he’s in love with her or otherwise misses his platonic buddy, right?

El’s character arc is about freeing herself from toxic relationships with men, but her infatuation with the boy who puts her on a pedestal is the one exception to that, right?

Robin shows zero romantic interest in men before coming out, but she and Steve just vibe so well it’s reasonable to assume they’re love interests, right?

Vickie paused Fast Times at fifty-three minutes five seconds, but she has a boyfriend so she must be straight, right?

Over and over, the show presents us with an ambiguously queer situation and dares us to assume it’ll end heteronormatively.

If this were any other show I’d call it queerbaiting... but these situations just keep ending in a non-heteronormative way, all while symbolically dancing around Mike.

Granted, “non-heteronormative” doesn’t necessarily equal gay -- El’s arc is more about independence and forging healthy platonic relationships than about replacing men with women -- but she’s still on the path to breaking out of comphet, which is rather a queer act regardless of whether she's literally queer herself.

But I’m digressing.

We’ve seen how Will is visibly queer and struggles with the trauma of being abused for it, and how his closet is symbolized by the existence of a literal alternate dimension full of monsters.

But Mike is invisible, so his closet isn’t represented by a metaphor at all, but by something more meta than that -- it’s etched out in the negative space formed by the narrative itself. Only the audience can see it, and then only if we’re paying attention, tracing the edges of the story and feeling out the shape it results in.

These two different approaches in depicting the struggle of being closeted remind me of drowning.

In films, drowning is a noisy and dramatic affair, easy to identify.

But in real life, drowning doesn’t look like what we think it does -- it’s silent and resembles calm water play. All too often, drowning victims will quietly slip under and succumb helplessly to the depths...

...right under everyone’s noses.

#stranger things #byler #mike wheeler #will byers #el hopper #my analysis

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augustameretrix · 10 months

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ok I might be over sulemio not getting a kiss because of the gundam main couple treatment (which isn’t even true by the way) yadda yadda HOWEVER. I still feel like there’s stuff, entire scenes even, missing - which I guess goes for the entirety of s2:

- someone pointed out that in their reunion in episode 22 Suletta doesn’t explicitly forgive Miorine, instead only urges her to move forward together, which I think it’s perfect because at that moment there’s other more pressing shit going on and they can’t do much more than set a new basis for their relationship. What I would have liked is a subsequent scene in which they actually build on it. I guess we did get Miorine telling Guel to back off and assisting Suletta in raising the Calibarn’s score (beautiful scene btw) showing that she can be relied upon again but... I dunno what about a tiny scene for just the two of them? alone?

- no tomatoes in the finale. arguably they’re more of a Notrette thing, but they’re also about Miorine and Suletta, both in and of themselves (Suletta is the first to be given a tomato and allowed in the greenhouse etc) and insofar as Notrette is Miorine’s mother. Just like we see Suletta achieving her dream of living with her family and working on building a school (or two) thanks to Miorine, we should see Miorine achieving her dream of going to Earth and continuing her mother’s tomato legacy thanks to Suletta. Miorine’s symbol of connection to her mother, to Suletta and to others is missing from the finale.

- a wedding. this should be self-explanatory. you (the show) can’t have “marriage” as one of your main themes, set up an expectation through a lot of dialogue, double down on said expectation despite the multiple chances to subvert it and then not show the wedding. cmon. guess a wedding would’ve entailed a kiss (there we go) so it’s no good. hmmm.

and finally, but this comes down to personal taste, what struck me when I first started watching (UC) gundam is that some scenes have a distinctly erotic tone. yknow it has the kind of scenes you watch and youre like “wait what is thi-oooh its like that ok“. so among the main couples you have kamille cornering fa against a wall and pressing his whole body against her, nina draping herself over uraki because he’s too rough with the gundam’s levers, amuro and char tumbling in the grass and so on. I quit like this aspect of the show because it makes a lot of sense for a bunch of emotional teens/young adults/grown-ass adults to be horny on top of everything.

for reference, the closest gwitch comes to this is in ep 8 or so when Shaddiq is at the greenhouse and Miorine is looking up at him while laying on her back while the camera lingers on her legs. as far as I’m concerned sulemio don’t get one such scene, what they have is lots of rather sweet and wholesome scenes, which is FINE because it still gets the point across, but it’s- we could’ve had more layers to it by gundam’s own standards is what I’m saying (btw if the writers intended sulemio to be canonical ace rep they should’ve inserted something to that effect, otherwise it’s just a lazy post hoc cop-out a-la-jkr). Instead to me it feels like either the writers or the producers consciously chickened out of explicit gay stuff and settled with the whole uwu cute wlw vibe. yes really, I think it’s that simple.

like - you’ve got an engagement, you’ve got the theme of premarital sex in the tempest, play with that concept a little bit! you already reference utena, why not give a nod to its most sensual aspects? have Earth House raunchily and mercilessly teasing Suletta, have Miorine be more forward and Suletta more repressed, show us that these two girlfriends want each other in a more base sense! there were so many possibilities. but maybe it’s just me

#all in all the finale wasnt bad but it was the worthy conclusion of a lackluster second cours #still fun i gotta say #the fun factor is the major thing gwitch has going on imo together with the art #sulemio #the witch from mercury #gundam the witch from mercury #gwitch #gundam

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mizufae · 1 year

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I’ve figured it out. One of my favorite stranger things headcanons/aus/whatevers is Egg!Mike who is transfeminine because like, idk I just vibe with it okay? But I’m also apparently a diehard Byler truther now and since the first season have just desperately wanted Will to be happy and have everything he wants, and that’s canonically Mike. So there is a disconnect because I want Will to be his big gay self and accept and thrive in his own types of love yadda yadda, but I also want Mike to process all the shit he’s been repressing and in my brain a lot of that shit is trans stuff which would explain why it’s so very very repressed due to the 80s and the small town and the two sisters blah blah. So how can I have Mike and Will be in love, while Mike is a girl and Will is gay??? MAKE WILL A GIRL ALSO. If Will were a little adorable bunny toothed cis girl at five her dad would be pissed off because he’s a douche and he’d try to force her to do all these things she hates and call her shitty names. And Mike would still ask to be friends, and they could have practically the same childhood except they play dressup a whole lot more. And Will could be furious about being a damsel in distress and also a one hundred percent artsy lesbian middle schooler and really fucked up about pretty much all the same things, and Mike would push her away because of lots of stuff but also including gender envy. And THEN Mike would slowly start to crack her egg while Will is in California and have noooo idea how to handle it, and Will would be in Cali like “wtf wtf I thought I was in love with Mike how come these cali chicks are so hot I swear to god I thought I was just appreciating them aesthetically I still love Mike how can this beeeeee” and after all the Stuff gets resolved Will comes out to everyone as gay and Mike is heartbroken until she puts together that waitaminute if Will is into girls, and I am a girl, could Will possibly maybe be into me?? And then they kiss and go to prom together in matching lesbian tuxedos and move to Chicago and Mike gets a government-vetted gender affirming doctor through upsidedown fallout connections and Steve does her hair for a big goofy mid 90s lesbian wedding where Mike wears horrible puffy sleeves like she always wanted and Nancy is her Maid of Honor and El is Will’s and everyone is happy THE END

#stranger things #leave me alone #it’s not Byler if it’s not queer in at least two ways #oh I’ve just figured out the angst in this happy place AU #Mike succumbs to trends and plucks her eyebrows super thin in the 90s and they’re never the same again 😭

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lyril · 4 years

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edward and slinkman for the ask game :)c

ok... i've already gathered that we share a taste in characters, but this is calling me right out and i've only made like 3 camp lazlo posts. unbelievable

edward

sexuality headcanon: i cannot stress this enough, it is very clear to me this 10 year old platypus is gay

gender headcanon: he is... simply a boy :) i'm completely fine with any headcanon, i haven't been here long enough

a ship I have with said character: looks at you... i think that edward/lazlo is just. it's a classic dynamic, y'know. again, i haven't been here long enough. but he's definitely PISSED about it either way

a BROTP I have with said character: i think he needs friends, like, just in general. well, first i think he needs a better state of mind, and THEN we'll work on that later

a NOTP I have with said character: anything gross of course... not sure who else though :) i gotta get to know everyone first

a random headcanon: i am literally just projecting right now, but i think he has some self destructive habits he really needs to shake... aside from the outbursts and stuff. has to stop himself from banging his head against the wall when he fucks literally anything up. squeezes his arms just a bit too hard. generally, he has some issues with perfectionism...

well this is really sad *lets you into my psyche* i am going to spin the wheel again. i think he would keep a diary... at first to get his anger out, probably suggested by mcmuesli, and he absolutely hates it and thinks its dumb. but eventually he starts enjoying writing his thoughts, it's private and somewhere he can just speak his mind without having to let his defenses down by talking to a real person

general opinion over said character: he was my token "ah, this is going to be my favorite character, huh" guy before i even started, and so far that's going great! i love mean characters to death and he is FANTASTIC in every bit i've seen so far. he's very obviously just a kid with issues but it's far too relatable to me personally... like, i watched this one episode, and mcmuesli took him to a place to calm down, right? it was literally like i was back in 4th grade doing that exact thing cus of my outbursts. not to mention the bean bag chairs. it's all about the bean bag chairs

also i can't get over the plankton voice it haunts my every waking moment it's there it's real i can't escape

slimkman

sexuality headcanon: i want to say gay again... in a way where he thinks he still likes women but he's just a little repressed

gender headcanon: i got nothing special cooking tonight. slug boy slug boy slug boy slug boy sl

a ship I have with said character: that's confidential <3

a BROTP I have with said character: i like him n the jelly bean scouts :) i forgot the name but the early episode abt go-karts and stuff was so cute... he just wants to see them with a cool racecar and spends so much money on them... and then him and jane, gosh i love that

a NOTP I have with said character: i... have not seen enough of him and lumpus to decide yet. i am leaning for no at the moment just from experience. this always happens. and the gross stuff. yadda yadda

a random headcanon: he is very unused to affection. give him a hug. he will 😳 a little bit. just for fun. go on

general opinion: oh my god. i love him... another instant favorite. the gay assistant is character type i can never escape from, it gets me literally everytime. and, like, he's so funny to me? in general. his entire existance. i have heard that he gets meaner and less shy as time goes on which i am SO down for... i just want to see more of him

i really did think he was a camper as well as lumpus's assistant before i started watching, so i was losing my entire mind when eliza told me he was actually an adult. which is very obvious from even the first few episodes but 😭 at least from this i got the amazing typo of "slinkman class pet" instead of "slinkman teacher's pet"

his name is also perfect for me to fuck around with and spell in increasingly outlandish and stupid ways

#mail #cartoons #ask game #//#long post #camp lazlo

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peri · 4 years

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ive been hyperfixating on another band coz i rediscovered one i used to listen to a lot in....*looks at date* 2012-2013, apparently

it was a gay hyperfixation like that whole year musically went to this fuckin band primarily. but then yadda yadda repressing and suppressing stuff from around that year made me completely forget about the band too yknow u win some u lose some but anyways i rediscovered them

#log date.txt #and the funny part.....is....#that their new song i found them from is basically nearly entirely making references #to their old songs #specifically the ones id listen to all the time #like awh....how sweet....of u 2 do that 4 me

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gowns · 6 years

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tbh -- i am mentioning that i’m bisexual a lot more often. and making jokes about my mentioning it too. there’s a context to this:

so, growing up, i thought i was just like, a weirdo for a long time. then i thought, well maybe i just get obsessed with the idea of people, maybe i’m going to have a boyfriend but just think about women all day long. and then i was like, well, maybe i am just a lesbian. then i was like, ok, this is it, i’m a lesbian. and i dated a guy who looked like carly simon, because i had a big crush on carly simon. and then i went on a string of dates with girls. and then i was just like, you know what, i’m probably just in love with my best friend, who was matt. (matt is still my best friend.)

so i married matt, and i had a kid with matt, and i love him so much. i’m over the moon in love with him every day. he’s got the whole buffet.

but after i had my baby, it unearthed all this stuff, and i didn’t realize it was getting unearthed until the post-partum happy hormones wore off and i was like, oh shit, i still have sexual trauma and issues with reconciling my whole self. like i have sensory issues / sexual PTSD and it was affecting my life severely, all over again, as if all the work i had done over the past several years was undone.

so i was just in a funk for a while. i could just about hang onto the role of “mother” but it was hard to put together the other pieces of myself.

then, i was having a long chat with a good friend of mine, who is also queer and married to a gentle man, and she was like, “you know, very recently, i was going through the same thing. then i realized, i just had to voice my queerness, to express it, to talk about it all the time. i was taking it for granted as a fact that was stated a long time ago. and it’s like, no, i have to keep it on the table, precisely because i’m not living it, i’m married to him. and if i don’t act on it -- let alone talk about it -- i’m denying a part of myself.”

and i was like, oh yeah, and we talked about how, you know, with sexual dysfunction, you can be like, “wait, this isn’t working in this moment,” and that opens up the whole bag of negative swirling thoughts: this will never work for me. or, i’m destined to be alone, or i’m going to go 50 years living like this and will die a repressed lesbian.

but that’s not the case -- for me -- personally -- because like -- yes i dream about women and lesbianism but -- i love my husband. and now we are talking about gay gay gay yadda yadda yadda all the time and it’s great. and i’m being more open about it in conversation. and it’s like, making me feel like a normal human again. like, i am large, i contain multitudes b*tch!

i really resisted the “bi” label for a while because i was like, nooo, it’s not nuanced enough. but now i’m like, no, you know what, it is what it is, i’m bisexual, half mexican, i’m 5 feet tall, i had a baby cut out of me, there’s no denying any of it. so why not joke about it and let the words feel more natural in my mouth, and my inclinations feel more natural in my skin

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argaliaofficial · 6 years

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i started typing this earlier but then had to go to work so now im just gonna finish it so i get it off my chest

back when i was with my first ex, meg, we went to this private christian school i prolly made a post about this on here before but its topical right now i didnt sleep at all and im tired enough to spill my fucking guts out some more

so anyway we went to this private christian school and thats when it happened. ive honestly repressed a lot of my time there i was not doing great but what i do remember just makes me feel sick. like, meg aside, the school just sucked.

for context the way it was set up was that we had “placement tests” to see where we were in subjects like math and english, and however we did made us get placed in PACEs according to our skill level. in theory this is fine i suppose, but the thing was that there were no alternatives to the PACEs.

PACEs were part of the learning curriculum of our school which was ACE- Accelerated Christian Learning. they were basically little study pamphlets that went over instructions on how to learn certain subjects and whatnot, while also having a christian perspective on things. scripture verses were abundent in them, and they had like a continuous series of comics going in there about their character Ace Virtuson and friends.

Along with the PACEs, the classrooms were set up like an “office” of sorts with cubicles that you sat in. For me honestly that was one of the many hells because it was so cramping and clinical and I just do not learn well in that sort of environment. so you’d sit quietly for like 8 hours a day with occassional breaks with nothing but your PACE pamphlets to work on. you couldnt speak to any body, and if you needed help, there was a flag system in place where you’d put a flag up and have to sit around and wait for a teacher to come assist you, and usually their assistance only lasted briefly because theres countless OTHER students to get to, and nepotism is a thing and if they dont like you or think of you as a problem kid, you’re less likely to get the aid you need.

i was one of those problem kids.

early on, i could manage that set up when my work was easier, but when i hit “high school age” and got into more advance work i began to suffer horribly. it didnt help that at this time, i got with meg, but less about her right now and more about how this school system fucking failed me and others tbh

i do not learn by reading information. at least, i dont retain it. i need to discuss with people, with my peers and professors. i need one on one sometimes, especially with math- my biggest struggle. but how the school was set up made that sort of learning almost impossible. your peers were all at different levels, so group discussion was rare. their were attempts, but they never lasted long, and the extent of the help basically surmounted to the teachers just reading what the PACEs already said and vaguely explaining more, and that blew.

so, me, being a hands on group learner who has to talk and listen to even retain information and needs to be allowed to move around often instead of being cramped up, started to fall behind in my studies. badly. and of course, instead of the teachers trying to asses WHY it was you were falling behind, you got written up and had to have your parents sign a slip. you could get written up for a few things and these were always detentions of sorts. usually they were lunch but if you were bad enough you’d get an after school one. i accumulated these almost once a day and after a while i got tired of having my parents sign them EVERY SINGLE day and just forged their signatures. i got away with that like 75% of the time lol

like they were just for the same shit ‘oh ur kid didnt do their homework blah blah ur kids out of dress code blah blah” and so i was just “whatever” because like... nothing seemed to change i was just being perpetually punished for being unable to keep up in my studies. my parents tried to get a math tutor for me but halfway thru i think freshman year she moved and that was that

i got so fucking sick of just being behind while my other peers seemed to be moving forward that i started bullshitting my work just to get thru. ofc that didnt do anything because i wasnt learning the work, and because i lied about my answers and cheated i got punished again. and i was just like “whatever”

i cried all the time. parent teacher conferences were hell. i always cried. it felt like i couldnt convey to them why i was such a fuckup. like i wasnt making sense, or i was being overemotional. instead of trying to make changes they just talked about how i had to work harder. least i think. i’ll be honest i always just disassociated during those meetings before going into meltdown mode.

on top of that, i was in a “gay” relationship with a classmate, and lots of bad stuff happened. ive always had an overactive imagination. great for being a wannabe artist. not so great when youre already an easily manipulated undiagnosed autistic child. me, her, and my current gf actually had our own little world! thinking back on this now, for me at least it was escapism to try and just cope with how miserable i was at school

i dont know how soon in the “relationship” it was before things got sexual. my concept of time during those years at foursquare is so scattered. according to posts ive seen on dA me and her were together or at least “friends” for 2 years? so actually i think my saying “freshman year in high school” is inaccurate and things got bad the tail end of middle school and continued until i was a sophomore before switching schools.

ANYWAY, so yeah, along with all this school nonsense, i was in a gay relationship, one that was abusive in many aspects. ofc at the time i didnt know that i was being abused! i just thought yknow her forcing herself into me sexually was kinda par the course and i was already kinda a sexually curious kid growing up so like.. i was looking for that i guess? it hurting cuz she went in dry is just to be expected, yadda yadda. pretty sure i cried? and i know for a fact that i still sleep in the room where she raped me like that and its sometimes just “yea i was literally right in that spot when i was raped lol”

and she would constantly want me to touch her sexually too, and when i said “no” and pulled my hand away that she had been trying to force down her pants because i wasnt personally ready to do that she’d always complain and make me feel bad cuz i wasnt comfortable touching her. “i always get you off but you never get me off!”

and at the time i didnt just tell her to fuck off cuz i didnt know any better. i didnt know that it was ok for me to not be ready to do that. i thought i was a bad person for not being ready to pleasure my partner, even tho its not my fault if shes ok w/ pleasuring me, and im ok with being pleasured (even tho tbh it was hit or miss sometimes she just did it lol), but im not ready to touch her, i guess? and like i tried to communicate with her and im pretty sure i told her that if she didnt wanna jerk me off cuz i couldnt do it to her yet that was fine but whatever

on the fourth of july she started groping me out in public while we watched the fireworks and i remember trying to get her to stop cuz i wasnt comfy with doing this in public cuz a) this was years ago and homophobia was a lot more common especially in this boonies town and b) i dont like seeing other couples being handsy in public so i dont want to be handsy in public either

and i remember while shes groping my chest and im trying to get her to stop theres this group of older kids in front of us and they see. and they start snickering. they started snickering at the sight. and i was so mortified and wanted to die.

looking back those kids should get hit by a fucking bus for laughing at someone getting molested and being obviously uncomfortable with it but i guess its funny cuz “lesbians! haha look at that pervy lesbo touching that other lesbian!”

and thats the story of why every fourth of july i want to kill myself

things kept progressing, ofc. i remember one night, while we were camping, i finally caved and fingered her. i forced myself to think “yeah ok i can do this” and i just thought the crippling anxiety i felt was cuz i was nervous to be intimate with my girlfriend for the first time like this, but really i was probably scared she was gonna hurt me since by that point she had. she had made herself perfectly clear in her mannerisms and tone of voice that she was stronger and bigger than me and could hurt me.

and a few occasions she did. one time she started choking me so badly that i honestly thought “oh my god, shes going to kill me here at school”. i still sometimes feel her nails digging into my throat, and i dont think ive ever been as terrified in my life as i was in that moment. i dont think she would have stopped had a teacher not intervened.

there was only one time i ever hit her, and that was before school started, and i had finally lost my shit over how much she kept fucking with me. all i remember was i came to school angry at her. over what i dont remember. she was always toying with my emotions, and i think that it had built up over the time that i finally snapped walked into class before school started, walked over to where she and alyss were talking, and a slapped her across the face before i walked over to my desk

i dont think i got in trouble for that cuz no one snitched? idk i mightve, but i didnt care. i was angry at her, angry at the school, and suicidal.

i remember one time during a break i was crying. a teacher from another class came up to me and asked what was wrong. i told her i wanted to die. she just looked at me all uncomfortable. i think she mightve said something before walking off?

nothing came of that.

i was more worried that i would get in trouble for being in a gay relationship than as apposed to thinking that these teachers- people who are supposed to protect their students- would help me. i gave up on them even recognizing the signs of me being abused. i feel like they wouldnt have even taken it as seriously as we were both “girls”, and this was back before talk of how women can be abusive was more common place. abuse was still strictly seen as male on female violence. and to some people, gay violence was comedic.

eventually, one night, it all came to light. at least, that she and i were sexually involved. that week was a blur. she was taken out of school. it was brushed under the rug. everyone trying to save face i guess and keep other kids from finding out, but somehow i always felt like they knew. they knew that she was taken out of school because of me. because we were gay

i tried to move on, but my studies never got better. i just grew more jaded. i never did any work. i mouthed off to the teachers, continued getting detentions and just plainly stopped caring. no one could get me to do anything. i would play hooky.

and that was just.... my life. perpetual anger at a system that failed me spectacularly. to this day i still hate that place. i cant be there. i was groped and molested and it was treated like nothing

so yeah

thanks for listening to my ted talks

#av talks #text #THIS IS HEAVY #rape mention #abuse mention

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polygonaesthetic · 6 years

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Blog Post #45

Here’s one I wrote back in 2015 and never thought I would release onto my private blog but I feel like it’s worth publishing this out here as I feel this is ever so relevant towards shifting feelings I’m experiencing right now, as I become much more comfortable with expressing my sexuality and being a “gay woman” becoming an important, ingrained part of my own identity.

Reading through this piece of writing again, I do cringe and it’s hard to not omit certain parts and try and censor myself, when I must come to terms with the fact that these are/were my own thoughts and were exactly how I felt. I suppose by posting this online, despite this being my private blog and my actual identity is unknown to anyone, I’m allowing myself to feel vulnerable and exposed.

As mentioned above, me posting this comes from recent shifting feelings about my sexuality which may lead to me adding onto this post sometime soon, but anyway, here it is:

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GAY: PT. I ----------

So… gosh… awkward isn’t it. Not really used to writing down raw thoughts onto the web.

I’m probably not even going to post this at the rate I’m going now, but oh well here goes.

I need to get rid of something on my chest.

Are you ready?

Here goes. . . . . . . .

I think I’m kinda gay.

//----------------------------------------------------------------------------// SEXUAL BEGINNINGS -----------------

Here I am. 12 years old, casually sitting on the bus when I come across an article on Cosmopolitan. Let me hasten to add that I’ve never really read the Cosmopolitan out of interest before, apart from the odd fitness article (“How to get KILLER ABS in 5 DAYS!111!!”), which I end up skimming over anyway.

To put it bluntly, the article was about sex… and a writer’s incredibly damn raw expression of it. Like: “hands clutching against the bedsheets”, “o lawd I was ramming into her”, “she reached the Big O” kinda stuff. And I’m not gonna lie, I felt something reading that article. Sexual awakening, pretty much.

I’m not going to lie, I stumbled across porn way before I read this article… and yeah… I watched porn a few times.. and yeah… I masturbated, yet I didn’t really know what it meant. I knew it was bad but, I never really understood the whole sex thing. I guess the only reason I found it so... well good... is because it was so "forbidden". I mean the first time I found porn, I was around 9 (roughly 2008/9) and my mum caught me... the same day... because in my scared flurry, I kinda forgot how I could get rid of all of the evidence... so instead of deleting those pages from my history, guess what I did... Yeah, I just cleared my Google search history, hoping that would just magically delete all of the tons of porn I had just subjected my innocent 9 year old eyes to. Woo. Fun.

So, from then on, I just didn't watch porn at all. I was so scared by it that I just didn't touch it. Obviously, after the last fiasco, my mum drilled it into me that I was dirty because I stumbled across porn and basically, only future prostitutes watch porn. Well I guess the whole world are prostitutes then...

I kid. But, as I was saying, I started watching porn again since I was 11, but not very frequently. I found that if I squeezed my legs together while I was watching it, it kinda felt good after a while.

So here I am, 12 years old, on the bus, reading this article, when I'm just kinda reading this article and I'm like, "Oh gosh. This is actually evoking some strange emotions within me, like they feel good, but they're kinda weird. wtf.", so I kinda started exploring in my head. I flicked to an image in my head of the first boy I could think of, so I could kinda attach some sort of personality to this weird man thing I had conjured up in my head and well.. yeah, I won't delve too deep into what I fantasised with this person. Obviously, I knew that I'd never do that in real life and, as a matter of fact, I was questioning whether I was actually comfortable with doing it ever. Like, I wasn't sure I'd be comfortable to do this at all in my life. Which leads me onto the next chapter.

//----------------------------------------------------------------------------// ASEXY AND I KNOW IT -------------------

Next kinda chapter of this, is kinda after me finding out and exploring what sex kinda is, and my sexual feelings, and now after finding out that different sexualities are a thing and don't really discriminate (I'll come to this a little later in this series. Can I even call it a series? idk.). So now I'm kinda questioning my sexuality. This is just after I had a super huge dark spot in my life where I struggled with coming to terms with my Asperger's and it was a huge part of my life and I just tried to stick labels on myself and wow, such confusing stuff, but I'll try to stay on topic, so I'll come back to this in a different blog post.

So, it was on an Asperger's forum where I first heard about asexuality, and previous to that, sexuality was pretty much: you're either straight... or you're gay. So a pretty black and white view. The more I started to read about asexuality, the more it kinda resonated with me.

My thoughts were like, "Hold up. You've been having these feelings for a pretty long time, but wait... remember how you watch porn and you fantasize... obviously you can't be asexual. But wait, you know that you get freaked out about sex and you never truly have any sexual feelings towards anyone.". And let me just point out that at this point in my life, I was a very confused person and just wanted to fit /somewhere/. To fit some sort of label, which I obviously now realise wasn't a very smart move.

So I decided I was asexual. I felt like I finally found out who I was. And to this day, I'm still not sure if I am asexual or not, I probably won't /really/ find out until I try. That's probably the only way that'll work for me. I'm a very hands-on person. I've only just realised how ironic that was. But yeah, essentially, I find out what I like and don't like by doing, trying and just experimenting. But obviously, I would never want to upset anyone by going into a relationship as a means of finding myself out. I could never do such a thing to someone.

Ok. So now I was asexual. I still didn't want to /come out/ to my mum, but I did come out to a couple of my friends at school and they took it fairly well, but obviously still had some questions that even I couldn't really answer myself.

I felt good about myself though. I found something I felt comfortable with and surprisingly enough, a few weeks, maybe month after, it was gay pride. Now at this point, I was still largely in the dark about sexuality and didn't /fully/ understand the whole LGBT spectrum and still had some stereotypes about LGBT+ that were sadly drilled into my head by my vaguely homophobic mother and general upbringing, which I will talk about in the next chapter, as I come to explore other sexualities.

So, where was I? Gay pride. I had learned quite a bit about LGBT+ anyway from Tumblr and the such, but still quite in the dark. So to see gay pride and the gay pride parade, I was like, "Gosh, wow, look at these people accepting themselves and who they are, gosh, that's damn cool!". My mum was also quite *happy* during pride (yet still managed to mock gays after, by saying that they're not "quality" people, go figure). I had considered coming out by that point, but decided not do, due to the "repercussions" of my actions and how "permanent" that would be. (you might have picked up by this point, that I was not /that/ close with my mum and not that comfortable with expressing myself, which obviously is something I'll go into later in another blog post.).

Well, that was it. I was asexual. Still not open about it, but if people asked if I was, I'd explain it to them. That was me set for then, didn't really pay much attention to sexuality that much from them on. Well... until recently. But that's another chapter.

//----------------------------------------------------------------------------// HIKING BOOTS ARE GR8 --------------------

So, here I am now. A so called asexual. Haven't really considered the possibilities of me being gay at all, or liking the same sex at all. Well, not much. There were a few signs, but I kinda just shrugged them away... like I do with every other problem I have! (because that's totally healthy *winks*).

Let me just give you a small brief overview of my life so far. Grew up believing homosexuality was inherently wrong. Yadda yadda. Had friends who came out as gay, became more aware, mind was opened, joined Tumblr and generally became more open and totally accepting and tolerant of all people, no matter where they were on the LGBT+ spectrum. I mean, I was always naturally accepting of people, if they had quirks, I was just curious, because you know... I wasn't exactly your common girl during my childhood either. So I was accepting of all sexualities etc. and I was, well, asexual, but I had never questioned whether I was ever attracted to the same sex, really.

I kinda believed that I was just fluid for a while. I just accepted everyone. If I liked that person, I'd just give it a shot, being non-discriminatory amongst genders etc. Basically, the try, do, experiment, "hands-on" approach I described in the last chapter.

That probably made me pan- or something, I don't know. But let's just say that I was just generally accepting. But recently, I've just decided to question something that was secretly bugging me for a while.

dun dununu.

Do I freakin' like girls?

The answer is: yes I fucking might.

As you've probably gathered from the whole series by now, I had a fairly sexually repressed childhood. Everything I knew about sex was from porn, things I heard from other people and just generally sheer curiosity. That's all.

Whatever I could find about sex, I was like, "woah. sex. woahhhh.".

So, I've kinda been immersed into gay over the last months or so and weirdly enough, it was the pride parade! And it was awesome! And it was great to say the least.

And also, weirdly enough, I started watching Hannah Hart again... and also managed to come across her coming out videos. So I watched them. And I was like, "hm... fuk. i probably do like girls.".

And it doesn't help that I go to a girls' school. And a lot of the people I hang out with happen to be gay (gaydar on fleek *winks* ). As soon as I questioned my stance with people of the same sex, it just hit me like a firetruck.

I've been making sexual innuendos with girls from my school since god knows when. I check out girls damn it. Gosh, even at pride, the way Ilooked at this one woman, only God knows what unholy thoughts were going through my head at that time.

And heck, I even have massive crushes on some of my female teachers. (I'm slighty sure Miss Evans is gay, but even if she isn't, may Jesus praise her body. sweet Jesus almighty).

And Hannah Hart. Where do I even start. (also rhyming).

Not gonna lie, I'm just gonna come clean. Some girls at school just make me go, "hot damn".

But yeah, that's kinda where I'm at at the moment, but in the next chapter, I'll go on to explain my skepticism of whether this is just a phase and my skepticism of my skepticism of whether this is just.. a phase. Yeah. Fun. Woo.

//----------------------------------------------------------------------------// WHERE'S THE RECEIPT TO MY HIKING BOOTS? ---------------------------------------

I might be closer to accepting myself as gay/bisexual/pansexual yadda yadda. But, obviously, as any person would... I have doubts.

Doubts about whether I'm just going through a phase.

I mean, even one of my close(r) friends, after I painfully described what I was going though, asked me whether it could just be a "phase". And I was open about it, and I replied, "Maybe. I don't know. That's why I came for you for help, don't make this any more complicated that it is.".

So the reason I have doubts about being attracted to the same sex, is... well... I'll just be frank.

It's sex.

You see, I'm wondering whether it's because I've just been conditioned to believe that PiV sex is the only one which I would find enjoyable and "satisfying" and that sex with a woman won't be "right" and it'll be "unpure" and not the same. Maybe it's because I've just been conditioned to only be "sexy" for men and "sexy" with women is just downright weird and deserves to be looked down upon.

Go figure.

Maybe it's because the only porn I've been "brought up" (nah, that sounds weird) watching, is straight porn, and is now the only porn I can get off to. And looking at "bulges" feels normal... and I /should/ be aroused by looking at a damn outline of a man's sexual organ. And that only a man will make me feel "right" and you can't have kids with a woman you love, because they just won't be "yours". Whatever.

I guess that I wouldn't really know how to have sex with a woman, if I'm being completely honest. I don't really know and lesbian porn isn't exactly helpful in teaching me that and I haven't really found any resources online.

All I can say now is that, women are beautiful, and funny, and intelligent and hawt. And tbh, everyone, regardless of gender, race, colour, whatever, can be beautiful, funny, intelligent and hawt.

So yeah, that's me done for now, at the time of writing. I might release another chapter, if I feel the urge to do so. I mean writing this has been kinda cathartic and I've kinda managed to accept myself that one bit more.

peace.

."". ."", | | / / | | / / | | / / | |/ ;-._ } ` _/ / ; | /` ) / / | / /_/\_/\ |/ / | ( ' \ '- | \ `. / | | | |

~felderman

:::::::::::: ::26/05/15:: ::::::::::::

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