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anendoandfriendo · 2 years

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Anyways, we've learned a lot from Raymond even in the short time it was fronting, earlier last week, so that's always fun. These were all from a conversation they were having with someone else in a server:

[Ugh. Sorry. Typos. Hailey meant something about the difference between splits and soulbonds (again). Some of us absolutely talk like people already get it and...we're working on it, I promise should've done something about that before we became adults. Hm. Anyways, l feel like there would have always been five or six of us (compared to...over the 300 here right now, if I'd have known that I would have stayed out here in middle school).

So, like, it was me, Christina, Kelly, Ricky, and Christopher I believe. Ricky literally faded to black/into the background like a chameleon when I told him we were moving and to keep an eye on Christina and Kelly, which I now understand to have been folks going into dormancy and potentially fusing (which is why you only see us talk about Christina a lot).

Now, what's getting us us Ricky, who we only know to have not been a "real" person based on neurotypical point of views because he has no preschool or kindergarten or fiest grade yearbook picture (that is...apparently a thing from back then). Well. He pops out of the woodwork maybe last year just to tell us he is "not an original any longer" which confuses the hell out of most of us, but consider for a moment that he never once took front for us, but still manage to have his own opinions, ideas, etc. and even strongly projected onto the environment (even if he never directly interacted with it).]

[He was really similar to Christopher in that way but younger.

Anyways, makes me wonder if our brain was/is a pitstop or not. Our mother once suggested he was a ghost (ooo) but we have never seen anything like him, or Chris, ever since (and Chris is still like...gone, which is damn sad).

We have our own headspace that's rather disconnected to our frontspace, which is how you get disconnected bases of knowledge (like Hailey talking about, ah, looking at/skimming through this I'm getting she talked about Gillian/{redacted} and then how somehow most of our SB's are accidental?) and sometimes our brain just does not comprehend the ether very well, unfortunately.

So, that's how we have so many people here. We're not all conscious at once the way most folks define it. I would have to move this to {redacted} or {redacted} if I were to delve into more detail.]

[1. Oh yeah, that's a short enough question to answer.

{in reference to dormancy} It's dark. Just...dark, for us. We guess it's because of the infirmary or whatever, (cw death ment.) but there's also a graveyard for people who are functionally dead but not really so take that how you will.

2. Yeah, that's basically it {in reference to the idea of originals}. It's always been more than one of us, (cw fusion that could be considered of the final sorts...or not) but it's complicated because Christina Kelliana is a very obvious fusion between two sisters I used to know...I don't knowbhow to feel about it. Everyone talks like fusion is or isn't death in the plural community. I think we may have accidentally stoked the dames a bit because of our system's Twitter visibility but we only meant to talk about our experiences personally. Ugh. People will always pull a generalization away from something that wasn't meant in that way, huh?]

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insert-neologism · 22 days

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INTRO Post YEAHG (ppl wanted this). this is LONG but there's a shorter version now!! exciting.

g e n e r a l stuff ig

(i have never made one so idk what to put here (it's way longer than i thigght though. sorry) but if u have any questions u can ask me everything! fr)

the names that i primarily go by here r mito n tomas (bc theyre the ones in my bio thing) but I have like a lot of names (bascially every word I like. more or less) so I guess u can just call me whatever??

I love music and I listen to almost EVERYTHING so it's hard to pin down a few artists. the ones i think r most underrated are flower face and aliceband though (if u ask i WILL make u a playlist. if u send me more music i will be happy). Idk i play guitar and I want to play drums which is hard bc I dont have any. also want to learn piano like this year

other than that i write pretty much (sb beta my stuff pls) oh and I have synesthesia which is fun Uhhh i love (over)interpreting things so there's a lot of that here and I csnt spell!! but I think thats obvious.

Im queer like in general

Im posting abt a lot of stuff, main interests (rn) are: tma/tmagp, starkid/sap, and yellowjackets. and discworld. we <3 discworld (sb ask me what my fav book is)

asks/dms r always open!! I love talking.

NOTE i wont be there as much the next 5 weeks, i think but u can still talk to me (pls do) ill just answer like a bit later

beneath that thing r my tags n projects it's rather long though i think. n this is long enough alr

t a g s

mitos incredible life - basically all of my original posts. whys it called that and not smth like 'my posts'? i dont fucking remember and id rlly like to know that too but im not gonna change it now. anyways it's everything from poetry stuff to edits to complaining etc

mine art tag - stuff i make, mostly edits and sometimes writing

spine - writing stuff im basically just putting somewhere when im on tumblr anyways and dont want to open the notes app. those are real life first drafts and not good

there r more i think but ig youll get them

p r o j e c t s

basically if ive planned smth for more than 1 day it's a project to me. If youre reading this I probably got multiple going on rn

the ones that are finished always have a like wrap post thingy

tag: tomas pulls thru

then I have a current wip status post which you can find here. like bascially what's finished alr and what's not n other stuff. (probably gonna forget this exists though so. might not be accurate I just love unnecessary complicated things).

tag: current wip status (if u dont wanna click the link or smth idek)

andd the post where the finished project r listed is heree

tag: project overview

IDK WHAT ELSE TO PUT HERE it will probably be updated. very sure but not the next few weeks bc as ive said i will be gone.

#intro post #intro things #mitos incredible life #can you tell how much i love very long complicated unnecessary things #lol

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consistent-self-destruction · 4 months

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oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

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tetsuslove · 1 year

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Things that happened in the few months that I need to let go here or I’m going crazy. So make a tea and enjoy while shaking your heads

TW: drinking/ vomiting

No editing, so there could be many writing mistakes!

So where can I actually start?

Y’all don’t know how happy I am that it’s a new year but even that, it started soooo shitty that I lost my way on life ( no joking)

Last year was hell, my ‘friends’ showed their true colors so I was mostly on myself ( only one friend, let’s call her L, was on my side)

I had many breakdowns that I physically and mentally not go to school and was stressed over my exams. After all, if I fail my main classes, I will not make it through my graduation. I even begged my teachers, where I was pretty unsure after the exam, that they should send me a mail to tell me, if I make through the year or not. Only one told me that I sadly failed the class only days ago.

On Saturday, that’s showed how bad the alcohol got me. My dad is gone for a while, so I have the apartment for me alone. After I got the mail, I brought strong alcohol ( I’m 20y.o Europe girl, it’s allowed okay 🥲) and on that night, it was hell. I never ever got that drunk that I vomited for a good hour, alone. When I woke up, I realized what happened but thank good nothing bad happened ( I drew a picture with my makeup while being drunk??? I was so confused after the morning lmao)

Today my friend L messaged me that we got our exams back and I know from my heart, that I also failed the second class where I’m bad at it. So it all started again like on Saturday— I know alcohol isn’t a fully answers about this situation but for me it gives at least a bit of joy in my life right now. Because all I get asked is if “ I’m ready for my graduation exams” or “ If I already started to study for it” but NEVER “ How I’m feeling right now”. And when tried to talk with my sister about it, she wasn’t accepting it, she was more like “ since I could do it, you need do it too” even though we both are DIFFERENT in so many things.

So what’s my plan? Since I have a job, I will talk this week with the upper manager, changing my shift to a more station server. Earring money, looking for a apartment and leaving everything behind, like everything. My friends ( except L) doesn’t text me, doesnt know what’s going on or what I did or how I feel at the moment at it truly sucks. Nobody will know my next step because all I want is to be quit, quit about it so it will be more a shocke effect

With money, oh babe, I need help. Sadly I was in a black hole where buying stuff makes me happy, so you can think what’s going on in my bank account. I still can make through! I know I can but still need to plan it out

Next thing: relationships

I already told the one with my friends ones, my parents is okay and the one with my sisters too

Only thing is that I was giving my energy to a boy who didn’t give anything back and you know what hurts more ? That I promise myself not to fall in love with sb who treats me unfair in any kind

Right now I’m at home, staying at home for few days even the school started and before sb says “ why are you skipping school?” Because I’m not mentally ready, especially what happened on Saturday was something that I still need to heal

The apartment from my dad is dirty af because of me and I will clean it ofc, after all I think I vomited on the carpet ( I already putted in the bathtub but still need to wash it. I threw it when I realized it while being drunk)

So that’s an update for now 🤭

#tw drinking #tw vomit #SU’s thoughts #deleting it later

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kronborggustafsson73 · 1 year

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Opsoclonus-ataxia affliction along with adult ovarian teratoma in the teenage

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smallblueandloud · 24 days

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You are a VERY prolific fic writer. What keeps you motivated?

this is a very sweet message! it genuinely surprised me to be described as "prolific" -- for some reason, i still think of myself as a slow/inconstant writer. but then i look at my ao3 and, huh, yeah, i really HAVE been writing a lot recently. i'm proud of that!

honestly i think it's very helpful to write so many different fandoms. i'm sure it's the opposite for other people, but personally, i really love skipping between different fics as they inspire me/i'm in the right mood for them. and i think having different fics for different fandoms helps me maintain a Variety Of Tone that makes that feasible.

(i'm secretly very pleased -- i've published six fics this year and none of them have been for the same fandom :D this won't last but it's been fun while it's lasted. that variety is really valuable to me!)

#sb and l rambles #sb and l answers #thewinterstale #more evidence for this: when i'm Really Super Hyperfixated on one specific fandom... i tend to write almost nothing

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starry-blue-echoes · 1 year

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Funny thing is, the only other jojo that ever cried after saving the world, a moment of supposed TRUIMPH, was Jonathan. For different reasons, sure, but it often strikes me how eerily similar he was to Johnny after a grueling life-or-death battle. They had both lost everything, happiness and so many family and friends had to die just to get here and it doens't feel good! What's the POINT if I couldn't save them all? Why did I grow so much and gain this power for now? It feels miniscule, like a footnote instead of my life turning around! If Dio had tried to negotiate something in exchange for being spared, tried to gain leverage, I feel it too, that Jonathan would've been just as suspectable to a moment of weakness like Johnny :(

EXACTLY

Steel Ball Run is one of the few parts where we actually get to see the emotional impact of the losses that happened once the bad guy was beaten. In previous Parts, with a lot of the deaths either the characters didn't have time to mourn because they were in the thick of it, or we just never got to see their reactions at all. This is a stark difference in Part 7 when we see Johnny grieve Gyro. His victory didn't feel like one because of who he had to give up to get here

And in the beginning, Johnny's entire motivation had been for himself. Getting his legs back, getting his life back, it had been his entire motivation and completely for himself, and while that isn't a bad thing there wasn't anyone else in his vision of the future

but then he met Gyro. Beyond learning spin, he got to know the man, and whether you ship these two or not you can't deny the bond they had. Be it romantically or platonically, these two loved each other and inch by inch they found a place in the other's life. They joked, they talked, they bonded, they became the best of friends and maybe even more

But then it was so cruelly ripped away, and Johnny comes to the realization that somewhere along the line his goal became less getting his legs back and more just...... being with Gyro. Supporting him and his goal, helping him win the race so he could save that boy. He still wanted his legs but..... that became 2nd. 3rd. 4th, maybe even the bottom of his list, because Johnny was about ready to give up EVERYTHING in order to bring Gyro back

#this part was #b r u t a l #jjba #jojo’s bizarre adventure #steel ball run #steel ball run spoilers #jjba part 7 #jjba johnny #johnny joestar #jjba gyro #gyro zeppeli #sb speaks #sb answers #anon

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fastilike804 · 2 years

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Adding DVS support to a bunch of recent DJM mixers opens up lots of hardware options for Traktor users Blog personnel Download firmware or software for ddj-sp1 pioneer dj global The update includes an improved user interface with a high-resolution colour waveform display and greater zoom levels, for more detailed cue point setting Pioneer dj. The Pioneer DJ DDJ-SB2 is a super-compact, 2-channel 4-deck controller. The DDJ-SB2 builds on the layout of the original DDJ-SB with a dedicated filter and gain knob per channel, filter fade crossfader setting and pad transform FX. Pioneer Ddj Sb2 Virtual Dj. When 'MIX' was selected from the Input select dropdown menu in the Recording Panel of. Ddj sx2 sound driver. Serato Failed to connect audio. Virtual DJ ASIO sound card failed to initialize. John Crispino January 25, 2017 19:49 Share. Facebook.

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Sep 18, 2016 DDJ-T1 Mapper for Virtual DJ (alberto edit) Sign in to download. Upload an edit of this mapping. Comments for v0.2.0 jmasterfunk over 2 years ago The midi map is traktor felix over 2 years ago may i have the password please + Comments for v0.1.0. Virtual DJ: Controller: Pioneer DDJ-T1: Based on: DDJ-T1 Mapper for Virtual DJ: Mapping. Sep 28, 2015 The Pioneer DDJ-SX2 Map for DEX 3 is now available for download. The original DDJ-SX controller from Pioneer DJ has long been one of the most popular DJ controllers among DEX 3 users. It's 4-deck design lends itself beautifully to DEX 3's feature-set, whether mixing audio tracks or video mixi.

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