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#sometimes i wish it was run like normally
mytardisisparked · 2 days
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The Art of Playing Baseball
I watched "The Unnatural" and was super normal about it.
Read on AO3
The night is cool but he’s warm behind her. So warm. Every place they touch is like the pleasant sear of the sun on a day when you know you’re getting burnt but you’re having too much fun to care. 
She’s giggling, high and girlish and with that rhythmless cadence she knows she has. Every time she laughs she feels his echo reverberate through her back from his chest. His laugh is low and his breath brushes her cheek. She laughs just to feel it echoed again.
“Hips before hands.” He reminds her once more, his hand drifting to her hip again in a way that makes her feel like she may crumble into dust right there in his arms. His lips brush her cheek this time and she wishes he would just drop the pretense and kiss her there. She’s surprised by how bold her thoughts are, but - then again - no she isn’t; her thoughts are always this bold, they just usually aren’t this loud.
The bat in their hands cracks again, the impact of the ball jolting up her arms and rattling her joints. For a second, she can feel the bones in her palms and knuckles acutely. It hurts, but she smiles; it’s the pain of playing baseball. It’s a pain she is more than willing to live with, in this moment.
“I’m out of balls!” The kid at the pitching machine shouts. “Give me a minute!” He runs off to the outfield to gather the few that they haven’t fouled out of the park.
They stand still for a moment, twin breaths moving through them both between her back and his chest. Slowly, she releases the bat and turns in his arms.
The breath that has been warming her cheek is now mingling with her own, leaving her cheek cold. As if he can sense this, his hand comes up to cup her face. 
She’s kissing him before she thinks. She doesn’t want to think. This is not a night for thinking; he had said as much earlier. “We’re just gonna make contact. We’re not gonna think. We’re just gonna let it fly, Scully.”
Without a doubt, she’s flying now.
His lips are as warm as the rest of him and soft, absurdly soft. They move softly too, letting her set the tone of whatever will happen next. She increases the pressure and he matches it.
He tastes like sunflower seeds. She always figured he would. She thought about it, sometimes, as he would give her a handful to crack between her teeth. She hadn’t been fond of the flavor until his hands were the ones holding the bag out to her in offering. Now, she can’t imagine anything tasting better.
Her hands are tangled in the front of the jersey she’s almost embarrassed to admit looks really, really good on him. She’s never been into jocks, but this isn’t a jock - this is Mulder and the jersey is just another aspect of him. It’s an element of who he is that she’s slowly learning, slowly coming to appreciate. 
The hand that isn’t on her cheek is on her hip again and suddenly she needs air.
She pulls back enough to leave his lips behind, but their foreheads, their hands, their chests are still touching. They’re still sharing air. 
Awareness washes over her, tingling in her cheeks. She swallows down the panic that threatens to ruin the warmth and softness of the night. Slowly, she pulls back and looks up at him.
“I think, maybe, I could get behind baseball.”
He chuckles, gently swiping his thumb over her cheekbone. “It’s not always like this.”
“I know.” She swallowed again. “But maybe it’s worth it for the moments that are.”
His eyes are full of understanding. “I’ve always thought that.”
“Have you?”
“Have you ?” His eyebrow goes up: an invitation to either let it fly or let the ball pass.
She leans forward again. This is not a night for thinking.
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Not that filthy, who do you think is mtl into anal? Giving and receiving? And do you think they would be into anytime or only in certain scenarios, like DP or moresomes?
Fuck! Yes I love this. So... I'm obsessed with anal play on this blog and want to say each and everyone of skz is into it. But... I'm going to think about this properly and give you a run down of my thoughts.
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Minho Loves to give it to you. Whether it's just him and you, or there are multiple people involved. Whenever you're up for it. He knows how you fuck your ass so good. He’ll build you up so slowly and have you on the edge for so long that you beg for release. He knows you so well - your body, the sounds you make. He knows when you’ve reached the precipice. He pulls out halfway and pauses when you’re almost there, when you’re in that moment when time stands still, and then he’ll time his next thrust to push you over the edge of that cliff. But you don’t fall, you soar high through the clouds as though your body is everywhere all at once, and then he’ll hold you as you come back down.
Contrary to what most ppl believe, he also enjoys receiving. Maybe not as much as giving, but when he's whipped for you, he just wants you to take over his entire being. He craves for you to fill him. Whether that's with and actual dick or a strap. He wants to be a pretty little mess for you and show you how weak you make him.
Jisung also loves to both give and receive. I know he's mostly written as a needy sub bottom. BUT he's a switch (I actually think that has become the consensus these days). He loves being fucked so hard and overstimulated, but there's this need in him to top from time to time. If he's with a female partner, he sometimes can't decide if he wants to fuck your pussy or ass. He wishes he had two cocks (I wish he had two cocks... and there is a fic out there where he's and alien with two purple cocks). He's up for DP with you (maybe minho can join?) One of his favorite scenarios is him inside you and someone inside him. Greedy shit wants all the stimulation.
Felix. He's obsessed with anal play. He loves to have anal with you where you're the receiver, but he's more into anal plugs and dildos. He likes to spread your cheeks and see you're wearing a cute little plug. He likes to wear them too, and It won't be long until he's asking you to wear a strap. He's a curious freak in the sheets tbh. He loves the plugs with dangly charms (I'm sure I've mentioned that before).
Chan. Giver of the best anal of your life. He's big and he stretches you so good. He's noisy when he fucks you like this. You're just too tight. He whimpers, shakes, moans... he's extremely vocal. He has a fantasy of double penetration and is so excited when you mention you want to try. He calls upon a trusted friend and together they fill your holes. He secretly wants to dp you same hole. I think he'd let someone fuck him too, but it would have to be someone he trusts. He feels very vulnerable about it.
Binnie. I feel like he's not as into anal as the other guys, but he still enjoys it. He can't say no to you when you beg him like you do. He always ends up enjoying it when he does. It's something about how much your anus has to stretch to accommodate his thickness that has him whimpering. It's so hard to hold back from fucking into you hard, and once he fully seated inside you, it takes all his self control to not blow immediately. I honestly think you could easily persuade him to let you play with him too. I bet he'd secretly love you to finger him (why does that thought do things to me?)
Jeongin. He acts like he's not into it. He pretends he's not interested. But he's conflicted. It started when you put ideas in his head about how good it'd feel. The more you talked about it, the more normalized it seemed. Then he started to fantasize about it. Jerk off to images of it. He watched a bit of porn. And when he finally agreed to it... well... he's kind of obsessed.
Seungmin. All I can think is "anal as punishment". Like he'd get so angry (roleplaying of course), and he'd tell you what a filthy, pathetic little slut you are. "You don't deserve to have your needy pussy filled. Nope, you're gonna take it in your ass, and you're gonna feel me for days." He's rough, and it stings, but he needs to punish you. It always feels too good for you, and you come so fast even though you weren't given permission to come at all. Deep down he loves that your body just can't stop itself. He also likes that it gives him an excuse for him to punish you more. He isn't one for receiving. But I don't know, maybe you could convince him? He's just a little nervous, and he doesn't want to relinquish control.
Hyunjin. I'm obsessed with imaging Hyunjin and sexual activities to involve art somehow. Especially sculptures. He has this sculpture that resembles a cock that he uses on himself (in front of a mirror because he loves to watch how erotic it is). He uses it on you too, before he sinks his cock into you. With Hyunjin you need to be open to experimentation. He wants to try anal in all the positions you can think of. He needs to see or feel it from all angles. The sex swing he owns comes in handy too. He is up for all combinations. Giving, receiving, dp receiving (yes I said that) dp-ing you - two holes, one hole... he loves it all. Also, the more the merrier for him. I think he'd be involved in group sex. He finds it erotic and expressive.
permanent tag list : open (if you are on my series taglists but want to be tagged in all my posts, please let me know and I can add you to the permanent tag list)
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@channieandhisgoonsquad @noellllslut @itsseohannbin @weareapackofstrays @3rachasdomesticbanana @palindrome969 @xxkissesforchanniexx @chuuchuu1224 @fun-fanfics @wolfennracha @rhonnie23 @jisunglyricist @strayywayy @armystay89 @igetcarriedawaywithyou @mylittleponeypinkrosieposie @kyunchoni
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teslaluvszombies · 2 days
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NOT MY FATHER ; enemies to lovers. (reader is shane’s daughter) — part one .
(intended lowercase)
notes: au where the apocalypse happened when he was older plus all the events, so shane's murder attempt happened when he 17 (for plot reasons)
warnings: carl is sort of a dick at first, mentions of attempted murder, bittersweet ending (part two will be very happy I promise)
description: carl and you had been inseparable before the apocalypse but that quickly changed the night your father lost it.
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everyone longed for the life they were forced to leave behind when the apocalypse started, some loathed it, it depended on the situation. you, however, were in the vast majority of people who missed it, who wanted back what they once had, who they once had.
it had been several years since the outbreak started and you had come to terms with the fact that this was just how things were now. your life before the apocalypse was simple, you lived with your father, shane, he was an amazing dad despite the hours he worked. when your father was at work you would either be at school or staying at lori's, lori had agreed to watch over you along with her son, carl. carl was your best friend, you did everything together; read comics, play video games, watch tv — whatever kept the two of you entertained.
at least, that's how it had been.
ever since shane had tried to kill rick in a sick attempt to regain lori's heart carl had shown a strong distaste for you. it made you angry. you wondered how the boy you'd grown up with could hate you over your father's actions, you weren't the one who executed them so why?
when it had happened you assumed carl's coldness would eventually wear off, but it never did, it had been years and he still expressed the same disdain for you. you could tell he wished you were someone else, wished you weren't the spawn of such evil, but it just wasn't possible.
rick never treated you any different, he knew it wasn't your fault, so why didn't carl?
you learned to stop questioning him so much or trying to make amends, it didn't make any difference so you quit wasting your time. that seemed to anger him more, you didn't understand why considering it was his request to you.
you thought being in alexandria would help lessen the tension between you two or at least make it more avoidable, but it was to no avail, he seemed to seek you out just to spare you a scoff or scowl. you hated it, if he wanted to scorn your being then so be it, but couldn't he refrain from making it so obvious?
eventually, rick had torn him a new one after he had crossed a line and he began to leave you alone.
that was until it was deemed smart to send the two of you on a run together. alone.
it had started off fine, silent but fine. normally, silence in a situation like yours would be unbearable, but the possibility of what could be said if either of you spoke was much more unpleasant, and you were certain you were right when he did speak.
you were crouched down, shoveling supplies into a duffle bag while he was standing guard in case any walkers tried to sneak up on you two when he decided to speak, “do you even care about what he did?”
you felt yourself flinch in shock, not expecting him to speak, your lips pressing into a thin line when you processed his question.
“of course I do.”
“then why don't you act like it?”
you couldn't resist the scoff that urged to escape your lips at the accusation, your fingers tightening around the bag they held. “how am I supposed to act? I have apologized a hundred times, cried, tried to make amends— it's never gonna be enough, is it?”
“he tried to kill my father—”
“yeah, carl, he did. shane did. shane tried to kill your father, not me, when are you gonna get that?” you spat, zipping the duffel bag and throwing it over your shoulder. you could hear his hesitation to speak again and used it to your advantage, allowing yourself to quickly exit the store and make it back to the car before he did.
sometimes you couldn't believe the audacity the boy had, did you care? of course you cared, was he out of his mind?
the shuffling of feet dragged you out of your thoughts, you could see carl making his way in the direction of the car and decided it would be a good time to throw the supplies in the back — there wasn't much in the store to loot but it was better than some of your other runs. you closed the door of the car and made your way around to the passenger side, climbing in.
the ride back was just as silent as the ride there, minus the tapping of carl's fingers on the wheel. you could tell he was thinking about something, you were sure that it was related to the conversation you two had just moments ago. you hoped that maybe he finally realized you weren't to blame for the actions of your father, but then again, the chance of that was very slim; you had been trying to convince him for years, one petty argument wasn't gonna change anything.
you didn't waste any time returning to your house the second you arrived back, too overwhelmed with fury to care about much else. you trudged up your stairs and threw yourself on your bed, burying your face in the mattress, allowing yourself to find refuge in the soft material. tears found their way from your eyes into the cloth, absorbing it along with all your sorrows — you weren't one for self pity but you desperately wanted answers, wanted forgiveness for crimes you hadn't committed, and most importantly wanted your best friend back. was there really nothing that could be done to mend what your father had broken? you didn't want to blame him but you did, you resented him for what he did and what he caused. everyday for the past 3 years you sat and pondered in a puddle of ‘what if’s — what if your dad hadn't lost it? what if he was successful? what if carl never blamed you? still, nothing changed the present, you were still left without carl by your side.
you hear a sigh in your doorway, jolting up to see maggie standing there with crossed arms,
“I told them it wasn't a good idea to send you guys together.”
you couldn't help but laugh as she approached you, taking a seat next to you.
“you're probably the only smart one out of them.”
“what happened?”
maggie and you were never really close, because, frankly, you weren't close with anyone anymore, but she seemed to care and notice things and you appreciated that; you trusted her. “he thinks it's my fault, he doesn't say it but I can tell. he thinks I don't care— it's like he's convinced I'm heartless.”
“with the way you sit in here crying about it, I doubt you're heartless, he just needs someone to be angry at.”
you nod, a soft sight leaving your lips, “yeah, I just wish it wasn't me.”
a slight frown was all she gave in response, resting her hand on your shoulder for a moment in a brief attempt of comfort before getting up to exit your room. you listened to her footsteps become distant as she descended down the stairs, throwing yourself back against the mattress once she was no longer within earshot.
you guessed she was right, maybe he did just need someone to be mad at and you just happened to be the perfect candidate, how unlucky.
you had no desire to leave your room after the events of today and opted for a nap to cure your exhaustion and hopefully your desolation.
you didn't bother changing into night clothes and instead focused on untying your combat boots, you tossed them to the side and crawled under the comforter, relishing in the comforting feeling. it didn't take long for you to become a victim to sleep, quickly drifting off and being met with a blank mind.
sleep was the ultimate painkiller, that was something you stood by, but with the apocalypse it was just about as hard to come by as ibuprofen. when you did get the privilege of sleeping you took it as a delicacy, you used it to let your mind stray away from carl and instead become blank or filled with dreams. nightmares were rare for you, but the select few times you did have them were nothing major so you never had to worry about them like others did, which you suppose made you lucky.
you weren't sure what time it was when you were awakened by the sound of knocking on your window.
your hand immediately found its way to the knife you had on your nightstand, you kept a tight grip on it as you approached your window as quietly as you could. you pulled the curtains aside to get a view of who caused the noise, you felt your body go rigid at the sight, the knife in your hand falling to the floor and clattering on the hardwood.
carl grimes. carl grimes sat crouched in front of your window.
once you came down from your shock enough to move, you opened the window, moving aside so he could climb in. he landed on your floor with a soft thud, immediately standing to his full height and stretching, his gaze lingering on you as he did so.
“why are you here?” the words came out soft and unthreatening unlike you had intended, your voice wavering slightly. he moved away from you take a seat on your bed, waiting for you to take the spot next to him,
“I wanna talk.”
you got the hint and sat down next to him, staring at your lap, avoiding making eye contact with him. “okay.”
“you were right— today when we were out, you were right. you didn't do anything, shane did. I was just angry, I wanted to be mad at shane, to take it out on him, but he was gone so I took it out on you, his daughter. when it happened it all felt the same and I never let it go, I never even allowed myself to think about it. I saw you and saw shane and that's all it took I guess.”
“I'm not my father, carl.” your broken voice confirmed, the tears from earlier resurfacing and streaming down your cheeks. you've waited years for this conversation and when you finally get the opportunity to have it every last emotion managed to find its way to the surface.
“I know, I see that now. I'm sorry.”
“why wouldn't you just talk to me? I could've told you that a while ago, I shouldn't have had to wait 3 years for you to finally come to your senses and realize that my father is the one who went crazy, not me. I shouldn't have had to mourn a friendship that could've been so much more if you would've just noticed that.” your tear filled eyes rose to look at him, your stare asking him every question you've asked yourself over the years, showing him all the confusion, the anger, the sadness.
“I couldn't. I just couldn't.”
“that's not enough, carl! I want answers, I deserve answers!”
“because I was in love with you! I was in love with you and I couldn't be in love with you then!”
you froze, your eyes widening in shock, “…what?”
“I was in love with you and I knew you were in love with me too, I couldn't handle it. I was mad at you for something you didn't even do and I couldn't bear being around you knowing all I could see was him and what he did while I still loved you.”
you sobbed. you couldn't do much more than that. he was right, you had been in love with him and you still were, he knew why you were so upset — he knew that your longing was for more than a lost friendship. what had happened wasn't fair, not just to you, but to him too; you finally understood why he acted the way he did and now you couldn't bring yourself to be angry with him, all you could feel was despair. you felt him wrap his arm around you, pulling you closer to him and you couldn't help but lean into him while continuing to cry.
“I'm sorry. I should've told you sooner.”
— a/n : part two will be out soon, I promise it will have a happy ending. thank you for reading! you can send me requests if you want.
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killa-trav · 8 months
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i miss seb :(
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the-priestess-of-dawn · 4 months
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I went looking and couldn't find any record of me ever actually posting this on tumblr, oops, but a couple years back I wrote this thread on twitter about how Emmeryn's sacrifice absolutely is not supposed to teach Chrom (or Robin, for that matter) that "sacrifice is necessary" or anything like that and mmmm for reasons I am getting Upset about it again so asdfghjkl I'll actually share the Rant with my tumblr followers this time.
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#i'm sorry i'm sorry it's just then whenever i see anyone say that chrom didn't “learn his lesson” about sacrifice from emmeryn i freak out#it's such a common take too??? well okay idk if it's “common” or if i just keep running into a niche take but either way i've seen it a lot#i could also get into (i think i have before at some point) that when robin says “what is one life when weighed against millions?” it's...#it's actually a misquote of emmeryn's “you each have but one life and i do not wish it weighed against mine.”#and despite sounding similar it actually has a directly opposite meaning#emmeryn's saying her life is not more important than anyone else's but robin's saying that their life is less important than everyone else'#also robin does NOT in fact believe in sacrificing for the greater good. look at their supports with virion. and walhart too actually#when chrom tells aversa that one person's life means nothing in the shadow of millions he's basically parroting robin#except neither he nor robin believe that. that's what they say when they feel powerless. like when emmeryn was on that cliff#(also the game literally does call out the hypocrisy? aversa points out he didn't feel that way when his sister was on the line...#like... you're supposed to notice...)#anyway sorry for vagueblogging but do note that i've had this take for 2 years (and well... longer but it took me a while to write it out)#and dang it i have a certain blog BLOCKED but sometimes i go to my mutuals blogs directly and for some reason tumblr still shows me reblogs#anyway normally i would keep my mouth shut it's just that i already had this one ready to go from 2 years ago asdfghjkl
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opens-up-4-nobody · 5 months
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...
#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming#like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever#i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold#usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds#but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant#i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible#things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop#i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine#its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious#i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress#and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard#like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b#i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this#just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a#tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants#ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating#unrelated
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antrunner · 1 year
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@ all artists who draw hal jordan with laugh lines and eye crinkles and early gray and a kind smile and tired gentle eyes and simultaneously messy and too-neat hair and actually happy and content: i have feelings for u
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danielnelsen · 3 months
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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torchickentacos · 2 years
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Pokeani Characters at a Wedding Reception!
Wedding anon, I am so sorry this took me forever! I like to think this is Kukui and Burnet renewing their vows :) Which, granted I don’t know why Harley would be there but just roll with me here. You guys know the drill, additions are welcome and encouraged! Make this as off-the-walls as I imagine it would be.  Anyways, let’s begin! Sorry this one is short, I kind of struggled hence why it took me a while. Maybe I’ll draw some of it later. 
Ash and the Alola gang: realistically, very busy making sure everything is going smoothly for their parents/teachers/adult figures’ re-wedding. 
Gary: Making a huge toast to the bride and groom despite barely knowing them. 
Goh: doesn’t know much of anyone, but Ash seems busy and Gary is being audacious and Goh doesn’t want to be there when it goes down in flames so Goh is just kind of floating around aimlessly looking for ways to help without getting in the way.
Misty: Thanking arceus that Gary actually pulled it off because she was this close to having to save his ass. 
Brock: Come on. Surrounded by pretty girls in dresses. We all know what he’s doing. Misty and Max monitor him. 
Tracey and Todd Snap: the painter and photographer! Tracey brought his best oil paints and is making pleasant talk with everyone while Todd yells at Max to get out of the damn frame so he can get a good shot. 
Harley: actually behaving for once in his life. He LOVES weddings. The aesthetic. The elegance. The glamour. The drinks. This man would be a wedding planner in an alternate dimension. 
Dawn and Zoey: dancing and having fun, actually pretty good at it! Historians will say they were gals being pals. 
May: food table and chatting, just having a good time. A little bit of everything- she cycles from talking to dancing to the food table over and over again.
Drew, Paul, and Gladion: introvert table. Politely sitting there trying to find the balance between being polite and staying in their social comfort zones. Drew periodically talks to May when she stops by and drops off food for them, Gladion checks on Lillie every so often, and Paul just kind of sits there hating his formal clothes. This man lives in baggy cargo pants and a jacket, he is not a fan of dress pants. 
Team Rocket: the caterers who were going to start shit, but are actually having a good time and decided to just have fun with the twerps. Jessie is ready to slap May if she takes one more mini sandwich though because there needs to be enough for EVERYONE and Jessie takes the job seriously. 
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pepprs · 1 year
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ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.
#purrs#delete later#idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every#single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional#needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t#those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t#this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone#but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o#course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and#i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved#mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or#whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a#week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be#writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all#the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality#is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents.#and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments#where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them#comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so#painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i#haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that#kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im#crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i#missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever.#and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read#the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are#closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom#to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess.#also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and#that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk
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yuriprince · 11 months
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this disability pride month it is imperative that we imagine our f/os being there for us when we’re dealing with our disabilities. keeping us company when we’re dealing with bad pain days or flare-ups, comforting us during sensory overload or meltdowns, helping us move around or cook for us when we need it, standing up for us whenever we’re looked down upon or treated like “inspiration,” reassuring us when we feel like we’re not “disabled enough.” we deserve it goddammit.
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deeisace · 1 year
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#big ol tmi right here stop reading if you're not afan of scary medical stuff#well. potential scary medical stuff. im scared but idk what's happening#basically. the only thing that's changed in my life is that im on the depo injection right#and now (here is the tmi) every time I masturbate it's. blood. instead of the usual. like the black bits you get with a heavy period too#which i think i remember knowing is like womb skin bits. the black bits in period blood#anyway that's gross#and im scared#i looked it up and like one website said ehh you're fine that's a normal side effect and one said Go See A Doctor Immediately#so uh. yeah.#im hoping it's fine. but im gonna go to the injection appt to talk about this instead of having the injection.#i haven't spoke to anyone about it yet im hoping typing it here will kinda make it easier to say on the 19th#like ill think it's over wait a couple days ahh y'know and then after or sometimes ill notice like an hour later#ill bleed overnight and sometimes the next day again#by 'ill think its over' i mean the light-for-me periods i get on the depo#unless im supposed to have stopped entirely and the whole thing is due to the same issue idk#i don't know the signs of cancers other than breat cancer - it doesn't run in the family apparently but we are all at high risk#they were gonna do like top surgery on me as a kid just in case but they ended up not#i wish they had tbh itd save a great deal of bother#sorry anyway im big stressed and im in period-level pain and all my joints are bad again and everything#so im rambling now cs im scared#i can do injections but im very very scared of like. exams and stuff. especially this kind
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svtskneecaps · 1 year
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i always know i’m getting stressed when my comfort fic becomes “time travel fix-it” adjacent. like honestly when i put that tag back in the ao3 include filters that should have been a red flag.
#i also know i'm getting stressed because i'm starting to do quirky shit#like naming one of my wip documents 'the inside of my head sounds like screaming'#plus i just. have the insatiable urge to DO SOMETHING but that something is none of the things i can think of to do#even the unproductive ones. even the productive ones. it's not that. i need to DO SOMETHING but my body and mind can't decide on what#i'm running out of time. i have a deadline. the deadline has always been tangible and yet somehow it never was.#i have an exact date and somehow that's still nebulous and ephemeral#i am so tired#how do i convince someone i'm hireable when sometimes i'm still trying to convince myself#like i would love to tell these people that i am a WHIZ i am a GODSEND like if i don't know how to do it point me at the documentation#like i'd love to tell them all of that but the minute i look at a job application suddenly i'm questioning everything i thought i Knew#like i'm handed a school assignment and i'm like yes. this i can do. idc. it'll be done and i'm gonna get a damn A#why is this different. like literally why would it be that different. they say 'do this thing' and then i do the fucking thing.#that's life. that's work. that's what i've been told. why am i so scared. why am i not sure i can do it.#like i CAN do it that's what we've been fucking preparing for#i have As!!! As!!!!! they emailed me about graduating with distinction!!!!#i wasn't even trying that fucking hard!!!! this is my normal tryhard!!!!!#why am i so scared a job won't want me. when they're asking for fresh faced college grads.#i'm so tired. i have a headache. i am so afraid. i just need a job. literally one.#i am so scared of the mess i am going to become once i cross that stage#i am so. terrified. i wish i could anticipate graduation like everybody else in my design project.#the future has teeth. and my only option rn is just. bite it first. but i don't think i've ever been that violent.#i'm not ready#i am so scared#not kpop#shut up vic#negativity
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yardsards · 2 years
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any1 else's anxiety get WORSE with most grounding exercises?
#eliot posts#deep breathing ones especially.#i naturally breathe very deeply bc that habit gets ingrained in you if you've played a brass instrument since age 11#and i take deep diaphragm breaths even when i'm anxious#but when i start focussing on my breathing it becomes very difficult#like i straightup forget how to breathe like a normal human being when i'm in that state#so like i can breathe well if i don't think about it but if i start thinking about it i struggle to breathe#and so i get dizzy and lightheaded and start panicking cuz i feel like i'm suffocating#things that make you focus on physical sensations aren't as bad but#they often make me notice the physical symptoms of a panic attack more and then my brain is like#''OH SHIT! WE ARE PANICKING!''#today i tried that thing where you tense and untense your muscles and it took me from normal anxiety to shaking and crying#and then i dry heaved from anxiety from the first time in my life :)))#there's this one thing where you move a little bit of your body at a time that sometimes helps?#idk the name for it but it's basically the same action as the thing youre supposed to do to get out of sleep paralysis#it helps when i get physically paralyzed from the anxiety#freeze response my beloathed <3#and sometimes just going for a run helps if my brain decides to go into flight mode. even if the problem is non tangible.#flight response my slightly less beloathed but still beloathed cuz it fucks up my ability to handle shit#i kinda wish i could have a little bit of a fight response sometimes.#bc like yeah it does sometimes make folks lash out which isn't good for anyone. but sometimes it can make you actually tackle ur issues#alas my fight response got physically beaten out of me when i was younger soooo yeah :///
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bigolgay · 4 months
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My relationship with my dad is healing itself I think. But my little sister sure is testing it🤣
She’s been… very clingy with me recently (one day last week me and my dad walked into the house and she said “(my name) is here!!!!” Completely forgetting the fact her dad is also right there…) and it’s very sweet, she’s always wanting to be on my lap or cuddled into my side. It’s very sweet and honestly makes my heart feel so full I want to cry.
But… the last couple times I’ve been… she’s slipped up and been calling me ‘dad’ and ‘daddy’. And IN MY DEFENCE, I have corrected her every time. Child I am not your daddy, please don’t call me that.
BUT EVERY TIME I CAN FEEL MY DAD GETTING JEALOUS OR SOMETHING??? LIKE BESTIE I CANT HELP THAT IM JUST SO AMAZING THAT IVE BECOME HER FAVOURITE???
Anyway, me and Harley (loml I miss him😭😭) were having a good giggle about this on the phone today. Thought I’d share that I’m the best sister ever and the kids can’t help but love me😌💪
Sorry about getting sad in the tags idk what happened
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t4tdanvis · 7 months
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if i said i was normal about this idea would. would u believe me
#❄.txt#guess what: im not normal about this idea#vylad wanting to clean up genes wounds but 1 gene wouldnt let him and 2 thatd make everyone really suspicious#itd also make gene suspicious that vylad actually cares about him. which would entirely ruin vylads plan#eventually (like. after about 8 months of visiting and talking) vylad comes in when gene is half asleep#theres blood running down genes face and he has a really bad bloody black eye#vylad fucking Panics and immediately rushes over to help clean him up while asking what happened#gene is just like 'i dont want to talk about it' and vylad just goes 'okay' and continues cleaning up genes wound#they just kind of sit there with vylad hugging gene (after a couple mins of vylad trying to figure out where to hug him where it wont hurt)#after maybe ten minutes gene starts talking about dante#vylad just sits there listening as gene breaks down rambling about how much he misses his brother and how he wishes he could go back#eventually genes just like 'i dont think i can ever make up for what i did. im irredeemable. ive hurt and killed so many people. this is#only karma' and vylad just. sits there. silently. because he feels the exact same way about himself and doesnt know how to respond#after a few minutes he says 'sometimes you cant make up for things. sometimes you just have to move on and do better'#gene responds by falling asleep in vylads arms#a few days later vylad is like 'alright gene were getting you out of here' and has to basically drag gene out a window#'but i-' 'shhhhh. be quiet' 'but-' 'gene. shut up. im saving you whether you like it or not' '... ok'#vylad goes from 'i can fix him (i cannot)' to 'I FIXED HIM 🥳'#well. he hasnt fixed the Trauma and Guilt but that can wait :>#do u guys like the fanfic i dont have the skill to actually write
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