#those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t

[pepprs]

ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.

#purrs #delete later #idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every #single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional #needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t #those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t #this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone #but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o #course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and #i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved #mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or #whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a #week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be #writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all #the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality #is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents. #and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments #where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them #comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so #painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i #haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that #kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im #crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i #missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever. #and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read #the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are #closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom #to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess. #also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and #that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk

[the-fiction-witch]

NSFW 100 Benny Watts

1. What's the dirtiest thought you've ever had about a total stranger? I don't know, I don't think about strangers all that often I'm usually busy, I think the worst would just be when I kinda get the thought In my head of, Hu. I'd fuck that.

2. Do you prefer sex at night, in the morning, mid-afternoon, or NOW? At night, when the work is done fkr the day, dinners done, and we can go to bed and fuck for a while and go right to sleep after, that's a good evening.

3. What's your favourite way to be seduced? I think we both know it's when people play with my hair, I don't know why, the come here eyes don't do anything, hinting doesn't do anything, you start playing with my hair I'm literally hard in my pants within seconds.

4. What's the dirtiest fantasy you've had at work? That's a good question. Probably just fantasying about beating my aponent and then taking them back to the hotel room and raw fucking them bent over the table, or likewise them beating me and taking me back to the room and riding on my dick for several hours. Either is good.

5. How would you dominate your boss sexually if given the chance? I am my own boss I guess. But if we are saying the people I play against are co workers then yes. Yes I would.

6. What do you do when you get horny in public? It depends why I'm horny. If I'm horny for an actual reason then I'll have to go see who it was causing it, but if it's just like a random everyday boner then no I ignore it, people can't see it though my jeans, can they? If they can great the can look at my dick and be jealous.

7. Have you ever masturbated in a public bathroom? No. I don't masturbate a whole lot and never in public mostly because... Have you seen male public bathrooms? That shit is gross!

8. What's the weirdest thing you've thought about while touching yourself? Chess. Whenever I do actually masturbate it's usually at night, when I'm alone, my works done and I can't get to sleep so I yeah I mess around a little usually while going over chess games in my head, I don't need to imagine anything when I do it I just do it, the touching on its own gets me horny enough, so my head just does it own thing and I usually just think about chess plays.

9. What's the strangest prop you've used to get yourself off? Well pillows. I think that's it pillows and my hand. Or Beth harmon, I'm kidding Beth's great.

10. Do you remember the first time you felt aroused? No I don't. I don't think I ever like had a moment of Hu Im aroused, it just started happening and eventually I noticed to be fair I have been in a constant mood of I wanna fuck things since I was like fourteen. Not sure why? Maybe I'm just really horny and refuse to deal with it?

11. Who gave you your first orgasm? Now that depends because I did it alot in my sleep when I was younger, but the first actual time when I was fully awake and aware what I was doing it was probably Ali, a girl who used to work up at the bar down the street from my apartment, I was having a drink after a championship one or the few times I'd been in there even if the first few times I was underage, and we got talking about this and that and... We went to the bathrooms together, I miss ali, not for the sex but she was always so nice to me. Still I have a better girl now.

12. Do you remember what that first orgasm felt like? Fucking amazing! And now... Now I have a problem because now I wanna do it all the time.

13. Have you ever had sex with someone whose name you never knew? A few times, hotels after championships, airports and the like, I've picked up the odd girl or too I didn't know but it's fine. I think I picked up someone's wife at a competition once?

14. What's your favourite thing about a quickie? How simple it is. With a quickie both people involved know what this is, we both just wanna fuck and get our release so it's very much a simple understanding, sometimes you have sex with people and they assume that means you give a shit? It doesn't we fucked doesn't mean I like you, it means I was horny, you where horny and now it's over.

15. What the most sexually daring thing you've ever done? Airplane sex! That was intense because those bathrooms are not sound proof in the slightest, you have to be dead silent or everyone can hear you fucking your girlfriend.

16. Have you ever fantasized about fucking one of your teachers? Maybe... when I was a lot younger

17. Do you ever mentally strip strangers just for kicks? Sometimes depends on the stranger, but more often people I know, like people I've had sex with before or you know my girlfriend, but to be fair I'm never not mentally undressing y/n?

18. And then imagine, in dirty detail, what it would be like to fuck them? Sometimes, again much more likely people I know and alot less now I have y/n, before her yeah pretty much everyone but now I'll strip some people in my head every so often but only imagine y/n.

19. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yeah, many times, towens is a great kisser, also gives amazing blow jobs.

20. What inspires you to make the first move? Ask them! Literally I do not get all the hinting and the cute eyes and shit just.mm you want to fuck me just ask me to have sex! It's just that simple. Why does it need to be complicated.

21. In your opinion, what does it mean to be good in bed? Making it good for you but also for your partner people forget about that sometimes you not just in it for you they want some too don't be a ick and just get yourself off, you have to make it good for them too, that and consent is important, not just to start the sex but also during, you don't know if she likes spanking, you don't know of she wants like her hair pulled or her boobs felt ext. Ask don't just do it.

22. Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend because you just couldn't help yourself? .... Yes. But it was always in relationships that weren't all that serious, or where fairly open anyway, I cheated on beth do I care? No! Because she fucked harry so I kinda think that's fair? It's only in that kinda situation but if I hadn't I would have my sweet y/n, and I'll never cheat on her.

23. Have you ever pushed the boundaries of fidelity to the brink and then retreated just for the rush? No.. that just seems weird.

24. Do you have a go-to masturbation fantasy?

I do not have a go to fantasy, except maybe my little kitten snuggling up with me

25. What kind of porn turns you on?

Not a lot really, because porn isn't... that great at the moment I do not have time do go to like the weird little theatre's that play them, the best bet really is things like hustler and various magazines you can pick up in newsagents... which I admit I am partial too having a flip though sometimes.

26. Have you ever had sex with your eyes closed?

No always open

27. Have you ever blindfolded or handcuffed your partner?

Many times yes, But I have found I much rather be handcuffed, I like when y/n handcuffs me to our bed, I like blindfolding her though, maybe handcuffing her too.

28. Does naughty talk get you aroused?

Sometimes, depends what's said

29. Are you sure about that, my dirty little forest nymph of a sex god?

Yeah? How about we go handcuff you to our bed sugar and see how much whispering in your ear you can take before your dripping for me?

30. What's the dirtiest thing someone's ever said to you during sex?

"Benny, I want you to fuck me Hard! and when we're done don't pull out I want us to fall asleep with you inside me so tomorrow we can fuck again without you ever leaving me, so You can be inside me all night long"

Yeah... that was hot. to be fair I did eat her out and edge her for like half an hour so, I don't blame my kitten for going a little cock crazy.

31. Have you ever watched another couple get it on without them knowing?

Once. Okay if you have sex by a pool you have to accept there might be people in here hotel rooms who overlook the pool who can see you!

32. Have you ever watched another couple have sex with their permission?

Does three ways count? because for some of that I was watching Beth and Clio have sex so...  yes?

33. How would you respond if a couple approached you to be their "third"?

Depends who it was? Towens and his boyfriend? yes! Beth and Clio? Yes! Beth and Jolene? Yes! Harry and Beth... Eh I'd think about it? But I guess nowadays We'd be the dirty couple asking for a third? won't we kitten?

34. What's the most flattering thing someone's said about your naked body?

"so Perfect I wish I could have you inside me forever"

35. When's the last time you had a vivid sex dream?

I do not

36. What do you think an orgy would be like?

Ummm very very fun. Would you like that kitten? a nice hotel room? all our chess friends? and getting everyone to have a nice orgy? Well I'd be happy to it would be fun, but... you know I don't share kitten.

37. Have you ever propositioned a total stranger?

Yes many times

38. What does your ideal one-night stand look like?

Uhh maybe a drink, some good sex and then get up in the morning maybe a little spooning, maybe round two if they want to, cup of coffee then fuck off out my house I got shit to do.

39. How long does it take you to get yourself off, on average?

Myself? Uhh About ten minuets? with y/n well usual a good half hour but sometimes my little kitten's mean to me

40. What's the weirdest thing that turns you on?

Hair. Playing with my hair. I don't get why I  get hard for it but I do? and... when y/n sticks her tounge out again no clue why just whenever I see her do it it means she being a little brat. Or if she does it unintentionally I can't help looking at it thinking how dirty that tounge of her's has been...

41. Have you ever had a naughty dream about a close friend or family member?

No!

42. Have you ever woken up humping your pillow?

Not woke up humping it. I have been spooning it a lot, and been humping it the previous night but no never woke up humping it

43. When's the last time you orgasmed in your sleep?

Ohh god years ago, I don't do that anymore, well I did actually not so long ago but that wasn't me that was my kitten who was too impatient for me to wake up

44. What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you while hooking up?

Moaning the wrong name... yeah I did not live that down. I'm sorry towens! you look a lot like harry from the back, you two have similar hair... and similar asses.

45. Do you like touching yourself in front of the people you sleep with?

Many many times! y/n likes to watch me, but she always strips for me or touches herself too so I've got something nice to watch

46. What's the dirtiest text you've ever sent or received?

Y/n sent me some polaroid's of herself in a park, in a sundress and... nothing else, and I mean nothing, Yellow sundress, striped thigh high socks and nothing... no bra, no panties, fuck I'm getting hard just thinking about those pictures.

I think it was then I really did realize, yeah I love this girl, and I'm going to marry her!

47. Do you prefer professional or amateur porn?

Both are good, they have there draw backs but more likely amateur because I like my kitten.

48. What's your favourite blowjob technique?

Tounge! Need I repeat my weird like of tounges but... when she's licking and swirling it around fuck! I get loud! and god it makes me cum quick.

49. If you had to pick, would you be a dominatrix or a submissive?

Noooo! don't make a me choose!

But I love when my kitten handcuffs me and rides me till she's satisfied!

and I also love bending her over the table and ordering her to cum!

I can't choose! there both soo good...

I guess if I had to. Dominate but only because It's slightly more options of stuff to do and because I like calling her kitten.  

50. Is there anything you won't do in bed?

anything with like piss and shit can fuck right off I don't know how anyone is into that! but anything else in the world my kitten want's she can have it just not that.

51. What's your dirtiest sexual fantasy?

Its kinda something I really really want but also really don't want, I like the idea of it but it would be horrible. I kinda have a fantasy about Y/n, inviting some... friends over, and letting them all... have there fun with me? literally like tie me to the bed, y/n, beth, clio, jolene, really anyone else towen's too if he's down, just everyone can just use me as a literally cock slave and I would be so fucking happy I would let everyone fuck me!

But that would not go well, I can't stay hard that long, and the girls would fight, and... it wouldn't be good.

so other then that... Ummmm I wanna take y/n to central park! in that sundress.. see how long we can last before I bend her over and fuck my little kitten.

52. How many people have you slept with?

I have stopped counting.

53. Where's the weirdest place you've had sex?

A Plane bathroom? bar bathroom? that time we did it in a pool? I don't know I've had sex lots of weird places?

54. What's your favourite part of Y/n's body?

Her tounge she knows how much I like it . Her pussy, Ummm her pussy's so sweet I could eat my little kittens pussy for hours, and it feels so good around me I mean I fucked her and never ever want another girl ever again, she turned me! someone who fucked around for fun into a one girl guy would would never dream of cheating on my sweet little wifey.

55. Have you ever had anal sex?

Yes, many times, It's the one thing about being in a committed relationship that I miss being with a girl, I miss anal. But I'm sure we could get a toy so she can still do it.

56. If you could choose what Y/n was wearing right now, what would you choose?

Sundress! I love her little sundress! and nothing else.

57. Where on your body is your favourite place to be touched?

hair... Or my hips, I love when she touches my hips

58. If you could have sex anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Anywhere I don't care.

59. When did you first had sex?

I was sixteen, and it was a bar bathroom. But it was amazing!

60. What's the best sex you've ever had?

The first time I had sex with y/n, the first time that we actually had sex we were in a little hotel in Cali, and it was amazing! she was so amazing, I'd never felt so good in my life!

61. What's your favourite position?

I love from the side, its so good when it's an early morning or, if we're both a little lazy, we start off spooning then have a few kisses and then after a couple of minuets she's screaming for me.

62. Have you ever been caught having sex?

Weirdly never,

63. Do you watch porn?

No! it's hard to find the places, and there always full of perverts.

64. What kind of porn do you watch?

I look at magazines. Or my little kitten. Oohhh we could make a porno?

65. How often do you masturbate?

Not very often, once a month maybe

66. Name a sex position you'd like to try?

I want to try a weird like upside down thing

67. Do you prefer to give or receive?

Give! I love hearing her scream! I love when she does it took but I like taking care of her better.

68. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Many times, I wish we could more often but it's going to one of the warmer places becuase... new York is too fucking cold for that shit! but last time we where in paris in the summer we went skinny dipping and it's so fun, unfortunately it doesn't last long because one of us breaks and just has sex.

69. What's the most sex you've had in a day?

Oohh I think four times, i do not have the like replenishment ability to do anymore then that.

70. Are you loud or quiet during sex?

Loud! I know I'm loud but I like her to know how good she's making me feel, besides' she's louder.

71. Have you ever tried using food during foreplay?

No, that seems... sticky.

72. What's the first thing that sexually attracts you to someone?

Voice, and looks I guess.

73. Would you say you have any fetishes?

I like calling y/n kitten, and I love torturing her!

74. When it comes to BDSM, how far have you gone/would go?

I think I've probably gone... very very far.

75. What's your favourite toy?

well my little kitten is my toy. But I do enjoy this little toy we got recently that turns me into a little vibrator for her, i like it because well it makes me hard as fuck and she likes it because I slightly vibrate inside her, and it rubs on her clit for me which Is good because sometimes my hands are... preoccupied.

76. Do you ever read erotic fiction?

I've read stories people send into magazines about fucking stewardesses and hotel maids? does that count?

77. Have you joined the mile high club?

Yes I have, I think by now I'm probably like a platinum member?

78. Do you think you could take off Y/n underwear with no hands?

Yes I can. I have tried. Many times. but I can't anymore... my kitten doesn't bother with panties anymore

79. Would you say you're kinky?

Do. do I need to answer this question or does everything else here answer that enough?

80. Do you enjoy shower sex?

Not really no. The water never stays hot, the shower spray means one of you is always cold, it's weirdly dry, it's hard to get the angle, it's just way more trouble then it's worth, I'll wait and just cuddle her in the shower then bend her over the bathtub before she puts her towel on. but! Bath sex? I like.

81. Where's the weirdest place you've ever masturbated?

I don't really do it anywhere then my bed, or the shower.

82. Do you like to be spanked?

Yes I do, It's amazing! I like it a lot. and I also like doing it.

83. Have you ever fantasised about someone else during sex?

Not really,

84. If y/n caught you masturbating, would you stop or would you finish?

I would let her watch of course and likely ask her to give me something to watch

85. Have you ever had an inappropriate crush?

Not really I guess.

86. Have you ever cried or fallen asleep during sex?

Falling asleep afterwards is just a habit, but I have cried several times usually when it feels so amazing your eyes water.

87. Do you prefer eye contact or not during sex?

Eye contact is so good!

88. Do you like to kiss during sex?

sometimes, it depends what position as much as I love kissing during sex but some positions it just didn't really work

89. Do you get tired after sex?

Very I want a nap afterwards.

90. How many positions do you think you've tried?

I think we have tried most of them

91. What's the longest you've ever gone without sex?

About six months I guess, I don't know I don't really pay attention

92. How high is your sex drive?

Fairly high

93. What's a surefire way to turn you on?

Ask me for sex? or wear the sundress!

94. Sex with lights on or lights off?

Lights on! I can't be trying to work in the fucking dark.

95. Do you like dirty talk?

Very very much so

96. Do you prefer one night stands or longer-term sexual partners?

I used to really like one night stands, I liked just the hello, fuck goodbye element to it. but Now I have y/n I'm happy with long term and I don't ever want anyone else.

97. Do you prefer to be on top or bottom?

I like both. Don't make me choose!

98.Rough or romantic?

I guess both we are rough but it's in a romantic way

99. Quickie or marathon session?

I love quickies, allows us to get on with other things later in the day, but one night a week we have a nice long marathon session with the toys, and the handcuffs.

100. What's the best thing about our sex life?

I love how kinky and how rough we can get, but it's because we used to miss each other so badly back when we were long distance,  it became out release and to show each other just how bad we had missed one another, but it feels so good and its so amazing to make you feel so good and that you make me feel so good, I'll never need anyone else for the rest of my life now I've got you, I mean you literally made me cry it felt so good the first time we had sex, all your sexy little pictures and letter when we were apart, even if we do go a little crazy on each other sometimes,  I really do love you kitten more then anything, and I can't wait for us to get married, and for our honeymoon.

#benny #benny smut #benny x reader #benny imagine #benny watts #BENNYSMUT #benny watts imagine #benny watts smut #BENNYWATTS #bennywattssmut #tbs #thomas sangster #thomas brodie sangster

[kirencer]

febuary seventh (i’m seeing you)

Y/n and Spencer's relationship collide around a single day: the one where they first looked into each others eyes.

[Or, the all of the secret love letters they wrote during the beginning of their relationship]

Word count: (part one and two) 9.2k

Warnings: Language

Rating: Gen audiences

A/N: it was too long for tumblr, so I broke it into two parts!! Enjoy. GN! Afab reader (it’s important, trust me)

Part Two

Y/n looked up. They had just finished reading Spencer’s journal, the one dedicated to them. Spencer was kneeling and in his hand was a small box, the dainty ring he’d gotten years ago from his mom sat in between the white.

“Will you, Y/n L/n, do me the greatest pleasure by marrying me?” Spencer said with his anxiety showing through. Y/n gasped and threw themself at Spencer, wrapping their arms tight around him.

“Yes!” they cried, pulling away for Spencer to slide the ring on their finger. Then they took a deep breath. “Wait here.”

They disappeared into the two’s bedroom, rummaging through some things before running back with a black binder in hand. “It’s only fair if you see my unsent love letters, too.”

Spencer grasped it and flipped the binder open as Y/n guided him to the couch.

“They’re in order but aren’t as neatly organized as yours - I stopped writing before you did, though.”

————————————————

For Spencer Reid, february 8th 2008 10:17 am

It was yesterday, a little more than 24 hours ago at 6 am that I was on a bus. Tiny, white and cramped, but now I realize it was actually a ferry to the love of my life. Even though at the moment all I cared about was when I was going to get to stretch my legs next, it still buzzed with excitement because I was about to be in your city even if you didn’t come to see me, that would’ve been enough. Being three feet away from you is more than enough. Being Two inches away from you is bliss. But your head on my shoulder is nirvana.

But then, only two hours after I had started my d&d campaign (the moon isles or something) there was an urge to look behind me. I tried to ignore it but I looked anyway.

What I saw scared me. Not because I’m afraid of you Spencer, but because I was scared of myself. I wanted to run to you and hug you, but I was too scared of scaring you away that I didn’t. My head seemed to spin as a second glance felt like a hundred years. Then a smile broke out on my face and I looked away. At first I didn’t think it could be you, I half screamed at the two people sitting on the left side of me. “Don’t look now, but my boyfriend’s here” of course they looked and Sophia told me that you were walking over here.

My insecurities flared up, but I remembered that you love me, even though I'm tired and probably covered in acne. She said you sat down behind me and I risked a quick glance, or two, or three times every two minutes. I tried to act as normal as possible even though if I looked back I would see the smile that lifted your cheeks when I looked at you. It was hard to focus on my campaign because it’s cliche, but I could sense you behind me and I was shaking. My friends were hyping me up to say Hi and I was trying to not scream. I ran to the bathroom, splashed water on my face and tried to calm down. I ran back, probably looking a little too excited. Ok, I was totally too excited.

My campaign finished up, you caught me staring at you a few times and my friends told me you were looking at me anytime we all made a loudish noise. After that, you followed us to lunch, well, followed me. You stood beside me and I said Hi, you replied the same. Then you grabbed your stuff and seemed to have left. I visibly deflated, my one chance to see you and I missed it. Then you came back, with a takeout bag in hand and some fries. I didn’t mention it already but you looked adorable in your glasses, from afar they look too big for you but then you see the big warm eyes behind them. Your cheekbones are so nice and everything about you is handsome, even more than I could have imagined. Photographs don’t do you justice. I hoped you had liked your dice, I got the red and black ones but I was scared you didn’t like yours.

You sat directly in front of me and my friends (Deriasia and Emma) immediately made fun of me and I almost died. At that moment. When you smiled and laughed. My friends gave us their blessing, which kinda fit because you were as tense as if you were meeting my parents.

I asked you to sit with me during the next campaign and you did (we snuck you in without paying). You played with the first character I ever played (Bida the high elf wizard). I was almost too distracted to really compete in all the things, instead focusing on you. You let me use your journal to doodle, a weird eye and a girl. Did you notice me fiddling with my hands? If I didn't keep them busy I probably would’ve put my hands in your hair or grab your hand. I remember you asking me if I needed a hug. I said yes and I think that hug is the most important one I've ever had. You laid on me and I didn’t care what my friends would say, all that matters was you.

My skin in two weeks will not remember the feel of your hair, my lips will not remember your cheek, but my brain forever will. At that moment, physical immortality is not as important as the immortalization of those touches.

They linger in my head, fuzzy and soft on my skin but they’re there.

I remember you telling me not to buy you anything (i still got you a resin skull magnet and dice) I remember flirting with you, i remember it all. I remember how you know all of Sappho’s poems and fragments, I want to remember everything about you. I know I won’t, you’re the one with the crazy good memory, after all.

I wish I would’ve looked in your eyes and told you that I saw you. I wish I would’ve pressed my lips to yours, but then again there’s always next time. And next time I will, even if it’s right in front of the whole world. Because I love you. I really fucking love you and everyone can suck it. I love you.

And I think that’s all that matters.

____

I have waited almost six months to hold you in my arms, and now I wait longer. I hate myself, I didn't hug you. I should’ve.

I didn’t tell you I love you enough, I didn’t kiss you properly. I wish I did.

Currently my arms ache to hold you, my eyes burn to see you and my lips yearn to touch yours. I can’t wait to indulge myself in thousands of kisses, I hope they are as sweet as your skin. Kinda licked my lips after kissing your nose, cheek, and right under your neck. You taste sweet, I think I'm addicted.

I still feel the ghosts of your touch on my skin, I love it. I love you. I want to have your actual skin under my fingertips, to hold you when you wake up from a bad dream, to dance with you under the stars. Decide what song is ours and argue over how cheesy it is. Cry on the day we say our vows, cry at the birth of our first child, cry when they go to school, cry when they grow up, cry when I realize that we did it. I can’t wait to have life with you.

If there’s such a thing as soulmates then the word was made to describe us.

I love you.

____

I fell asleep, I woke up right before you texted me. I dreamt about you, in my mind I fell asleep with you in my arms. In my mind I am sitting in a cafe, right across from you drinking tea.

I prefer it to real life, by about an infinite percent. My friend came in and basically yelled at me to let him use my box, I told him to fuck off. I know I won’t be able to fall back asleep but I do hope to continue my dream tonight. Currently im trying to believe that you think i’m “stunning” it’s starting to work it’s way into my mind that i’m not ugly.

Spencer, I love you.

You have such an effect on me, the first week we were together you weaseled your way into my mind. You sprouted a tree that is still a sapling but has rooted to the core of my mind, slipping into my heart and spreading through my limbs. You’re almost a drug (the only one I approve of).

You’re poison, searing through my veins and warning my skin. But you’re not toxic, you’re candy, sugary sweet, something tangible that almost floats in and out of existence.

If you are a God, I am your most loyal patron.

____

Time is meaningless but it goes so fast, only eight minutes left to talk then my day ends. So many more ‘I love you’s I could say.

But time will not permit our love, that’s fine, I’ll wait it out till the end.

You’re worth it.

Seven Minutes

____

You always deny that you’re adorable, and that’s so adorable.

It’s frustrating sometimes because you’re so beautiful you deserve to know it. But oh well, i’ll just have to prove you are.

I told you I’d rather go on a date with you first before doing anything sexual. you also deserve to know your love is all I need, not your body (that’s just a perk)

You’re hot, sue me!

____

In the shower, I have most of my daydreams. Ranging from cotton candy clouds to a place where my parents accept me. However, the best daydream i’ve ever had is about a boy. A boy with chocolate brown eyes and a beautiful smile. Ding Ding Ding, his name is Spencer.

My dream is about his last name, well it involves it. I imagine myself talking to him while I say an important speech, in front of a crowd of people. I’m talking about our relationship, about how much I love you, and how much I can’t wait for the next chapter of our life to start. I always tear up when everyone is quiet at the end, and then you say what you have to say. It’s fuzzy and I don’t remember any of it (kinda want you to make your own in the future) but after you say it. It's time.

You say two words, so low only I and the person standing next to us can hear, “I do”

That’s the best day dream I’ve ever had, because I know it won’t be just a dream (I hope)

____

The best part of my day is looking at any photos from you: they always make me smile. Even when my day has been utterly terrible, your bright eyes are always a light in the dark.

I often don’t even need to think about you to have your smile in my mind, it’s just there, like a constant bright sunshiny beam. A single thought about you makes my day, a single touch my year, remembering that you’re mine makes my life a whole much better.

You, make living better.

I live for you, you’re all I ever want to have.

Je suis fou amoureux de toi.

____

So uh, you might have noticed but I don’t know how to talk to people, let alone talk to you.

It’s not that I have nothing to say, I have too much to say. It all bubbles in my mind and makes me jump on topic every three seconds. But when it comes to you, I'm stuck on which way to tell you I love you.

So, how about all of them?

I don’t need to focus on a single part of your face to know that it’s beautiful, but I do. All the parts work in harmony, like a choir. But individually they are still beautiful. I love every single inch of your face, individually and together.

I love you for your personality, I fell in love with a genius who is so much more than his memory or intelligence. Then I fell in love with a sweet boy who whined when I said self deprecating things. When we first met, I instantly fell in love again, with a shy boy who would look up at me from under his lashes.

Fuck, my mind is racing too much to distinguish anymore. But, I hoped I showed you.

That, I love you now, and forever will.

Happy Valentine’s day, my love.

____

Happy anniversary, god I can’t believe it’s been five months already. It seems just yesterday I was crying over whether or not I should continue liking you (i had told myself I wasn’t good enough for you).

Well, turns out I was wrong. I’m just enough for you. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if you’ll ever leave me, well, it does, `but there’s something more important, you being loved and being happy is what matters. And I can’t wait to give you what matters.

I love you babe! I’ll try to write more to show it.

____

My mind is a cavern of echoes, words (well a name) revertibrating in my skull.

The things used to be about art, school, anything slightly important.

But now, it’s filled with the most important person in my life. Analyzing the color of his hair (a warm brown), thinking of his eyes, thinking of his name and my name with a change; Spencer Reid (and sometimes Y/n Reid) has taken over my mind and burrowed into my soul.

I think if the red string of fate was real then we’d have been connected when we first met. Fuck, we are connected.

If we weren’t why would I have fallen in love with you? It was fate that I sent a letter to a wrong address, fate that I stumbled upon the boy that would change my life for the better.

Our souls are connected, being pulled because of the distance though, and I can’t wait to be with you. Not two halves of a whole, but two souls that fit like a puzzle piece.

I love you, and you love me. Even though I'm a coward.

When we have a daughter, her name should be Rhiannon. We will both dote on her like the goddess she is. Just a thought :>

____

You were in my house today. I think I'm dying, I'm wearing your sweater. It smells like you. I think you left it behind on purpose.

You smell really nice. It’s not like a cologne or anything, but it's nice. You’re nice

You kissed me. You’re a really good kisser. You should do it again and again and again.

I got the news yesterday, my transfer went in, I'm sending my letter to you tomorrow. I know you’re in my city but I'd rather it be like this.

I don’t think i'm going to write any more, don’t think that means i don’t love you!!

I am going to hold you for hours, I promise, I love you.

————————————————

Spencer finished reading and smiled up at his new fiance. “We were such dorks! It's crazy how similar we thought.”

Y/n nodded and looked down at their ring. “We were dorks in love! Um, so how do you feel about the name Rhiannon?”

“It’s pretty, but I don’t think we need to be worrying about baby names - we need to figure out how to tell my team we’re engaged.” Spencer quipped, wrapping his arms around Y/n before it hit him.

Y/n’s morning sickness, the weird secretive doctors appointment, and what they had just said. “No!” he whispers, a smile growing on his face, “I’m gonna be a dad?”

They nod and bury their head into Spencer’s chest. Spencer can’t stop the smile that beams across his face. He grabs Y/n and spins them around in his arms, “This is the best news!!”

He pressed a deep kiss to Y/n’s lips, then went onto his knees to wrap his arms around Y/n. “Jason Derek Reid if it’s a boy and Rhiannon Penelope Reid if it’s a girl.”

Y/n smiles and nods, “I was thinking the same thing.”

“Let’s be on the same page, forever from now on, okay?”

They nodded, Spencer’s hands finding place on their back as he pressed his lips right below Y/n’s navel. Y/n’s hand’s dug into his hair: “Forever.”

Years later the two do indeed wake up on a Saturday morning to impatient kids who demand to be made pancakes. Sometimes after a hard case they do dance at three am in their underwear. Sometimes they do a lot of things in their underwear. They’re together in every way imaginable.

And to them? It’s the most important thing that could ever be possible.

The End

part one

#spencer x you #spencer reid x reader #ao3 #reader insert #writing #pregnancy

[zmayadw]

Hello again :)

Heres a second part of my fanfic, as i said in previous post that i will add one or two. I know the begining might be a bit long and boring, but i decided my other two favorite Duskwood characters deserve some love ,too. :)

 Thanks to all who took their time to read it!

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 2

Next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital. The bright light from the window made me squint my eyes, and my head throbbed as hell. „Arghh, too bright.“ I mumbled, as a cheerfull voice next to me responded  „Well finaly, I was begining to worry you would never wake up! You know, you're taking those beautysleep advices too seriously.“ My eyes ajusted to the light, and I was looking at that cheerful, loving face, the face I knew oh so well. „Hmm, considering all, an extra hour or so of beautysleep is so allowed for me.“  I said, my voice hoarse a bit. She snorted „Make that 'an extra day or so'! You slept for almost three days!“ she said, walkig towards my bed and hugging me carefully. It felt good, just knowing she was there. She pulled away from me, her face serious.  “What wer you thinking?“ „ I'm sorry Jessy, so, so sorry.“  I said, tears swelling behind my eyes. „ I know what I did was stupid, but belive me, I really tought I was doing the right thing.“ „The 'right thing' almost got you killed Maya!“ she yelled at me, wich made me realize just how much she was worried about me. I burried my face in my hands, tears falling down „Please Jessy, dont be mad at me, I feel awfull as it is already. I realize my actions wer wrong, but I cant undo any of it now. And God knows im more then happy to be alive, and Hannah too! And I know my „sorry“ might not be enough this time, but I reall am sorry Jessy, you cant imagine how much. But please, please, you have to forgive me, I couldnt stand if I loose you!“ I couldnt force myself to look at her, I was so scared she would just get up and leave. And who could blame her, really, after all I did, she would have every right to do so. Suddenly, my hands wer slowely being moved from my face, and i opened my eyes  to see hers holding mine. I lifted my head, and our eyes met. Hers wer now also full of tears. She hugged me so fiercly, and even if everything still hurted me like hell, I was so reliefed and hugged her back tightly as I could. „Ofcourse I forgive you, Maya. I was so damn worried and scared that I will loose you!“ I was releifed to hear her say it, I hugged her even tighter, saying through my tears „I'm sorry Jessy.“ She held me like that for a while, and then pulled slowly back. „I'm glad you're ok Maya.“ She said, smile coming back to that pretty face. „Look at us! Bawling here like little kids.“ That made me chuckle, and i said whiping my tears  „Huh, I never tought our fist time meeting would be with me in the hospital. But, hey, im not picky, i'm just glad I finaly had a chance to hug you.“  „I dont think anyone imagined this to be the place of your first meeting us. You do realize others will want to come and see you? Dan already wanted to come with me, he was mumbling something about how he owes you a whiskey. But i gave him such a stern look, he just kissed me goodby and said to say 'hi' from him and ran away from me.“ The tought of Dan being scared of Jessy made me laugh so hard, i got a little dizzy from the pain. Jessy noticed me vincing, quickly saying „But that can wait, you need to rest more first. It's not like you're going anywhere anytime soon!“ She looked at me all serious, and i understood why Dan acted like he did. „Dont worry, Jessy, I wont try to break out of hospital.“ I said with a grin on my face. „A bit of r'n'r is definatly what I need now.“ „Good! And since i'm clearly your favorite person from our little clique, you wont get rid of me that easy while  in here.“ She said cheerfully. „Thanks, Jessy. I mean it, Im really glad you're here with me.“ „Me too, Maya, me too.“ She stayed with me that whole afternoon, and I was happy about it. We talked about everything we could think of: how we gonna take that walk arround Duskwood together, having coffee at the Rainbow caffee, going to Aurora for drinks. Jessy was so full of life, and managed to stay so positive through all of this mess. She told me that police gave her my stuff and my phone, and will bring me what i need. It wasnt so important, but i could really use my phone.  It was like Jessy could read my mind, and she looked at me with simpathy „Did Jake contacted you?“  There was a knot in my stomack when she asked, because I knew I wasnt out in the clear with what I did with everyone just jet. „I dont know, Jessy,  I guess i'll find out when I get my phone. But im sure Lily told him all about it by now, and to be honest, it's the one conversation i'm scared of having at the moment.“ „I'm sure it will be fine.“ „I really hope so, Jessy. I really care so much for him. I dont know for sure what he feels, and it doesnt really matter, I just cant stand the tought of him being mad at me. Or not talking to me anymore...I got so used of having him arround, even just virtualy..i dont know Jessy, i cant explain it... i just need him in my life. Does this make any sense to you?“  She looked at me, with care and a hint of worry showing on her face „Yes Maya, it makes perfect sense.“ We talked for a while more. She looked at the clok on the wall and jumped „Oh, yay I gotta go, forgot Im meeting Dan! He made me promise to meet later, since I didnt let him come with me here.“ „Heh, better go then, I dont want Dan blaming me AGAIN for getting stud up by you. Or he might not buy me that whiskey he promised, an to be honest I could really use it now.“ I sad smiling at her. „Ohh no, you two are gonna be a pain in the butt when you meet, arent you?“ she groaned, but a smile was written all over her face. „Dont worry, i'll behave..as much as possible. As for Dan, im sure if you join us and give him some of your 'scarry' looks, he'll behave too.“  She bursted out laughing. „Oh, cant wait for it! I'll go grab your phone  real quick, and then im off.“ She ran for the door, stoped, turned arround giving me one more of her beautiful smiles „I'm really glad you're ok Maya.“ I smiled back,“ Me too Jessy, me too.“ She came back with my phone, plugged it to charge next to my bed hugging me quickly before leaving.

It was almost dark outside, and the room was so quiet since Jessy left. There wasnt much comotion in the hospital, and I appriciated it actualy, some peace after all the mess was a nice change. I stared at the window for a while, just enjoyeing the sceene of the sun setting down, the sky taking that purpleish-blue color. I was actually delaying the moment of turning my phone on, because I was scared. A the same time I hoped Jake would contact me, but then I was also scared of talking to him. Its been three days since the incident, and im sure Jake found out everything by now, so maybe he vented some of the anger off in the mean time. Ah, c'mon Maya, dont be a sissy! – i tought to myself – You stared death in the face, and showed it the middle finger, and you're scared of that thing? I took a deep breath, took my phone from the stand, and turned it on. It felt like forever for it to turn when i punched my code, and when it finaly did, i left it aside. The beeping of new messages, missed calls, new emails and all was the only sound spreading through the room. And with every beep my stomach reacted a bit, thinking if any of those beeps belongs to Jakes. I got so lost in my toughts, that a voice snaped me back, startling me a bit. A nurse smiled „Sorry hun, i didnt want to fright you. Just came to chek up on you, ask if you need anyhting and to give you some pain meds.“ She winked at me „It's the good stuff, will help you sleep better.“ „Thank you, mam, im good.“ I smiled back at her, and quickly glanced at my phone - 44 missed calls, 24 messages, 17 emails. That will be some time killing stuff. The nurse was done, she waved at me wishing me good night, saying to feel free calling her if I needed anything. I thanked her again as she left the room. I took my phone, my hand shakeing. I checked 'missed calls' first, and tho i didnt expect it, was a bit dissapointed Jake wasnt among one of them. I opened the messages, and Jessy's message was on top. „Sending you hugs&kisses!“ it was written under the picture of her and Dan, grining with their glasses raised. It made me smile, and i texted her back „Hehe, Dan must be happy you actualy came this time! xD Have fun you two, cant wait to join you. Hugs&kisses“ I checked other messages, and my hearth squeezed a bit when i saw he didnt texted either. I didnt feel like replaying to any at the moment, settling the phone back on the stand. I switched off the light above the bed, turned on the side, staring at now complete darkness throught the window. One tear rolled down my cheek as i closed my eyes, hoping sleep will come soon.

#duskwood #duskwood mc #duskwood jessy #fanfic

[optimismrpt]

HOW RIGBY RUNS A ROLEPLAY : A VERY SPECIFIC GUIDE ( OF SORTS )

BONUS CONTENT: ACCEPTANCE DAY

I think it’s essentially to start with this disclaimer: This is merely how I run a rp and I’m not saying by any means it is how a rp should be run. I have found success through these methods all in combination and I can’t promise that they work all the time.

IMPORTANT ! if you use this guide as a basis for your rp please credit back to me somewhere on your front page, rules, or plot! this is a very specific type of rp (small limited run plot heavy skeleton rp) that i have worked very hard to develop over the past five years. i want you to learn from my successes and failures, and please give credit where it is due!

It is a lot of work! Like A LOT! And if you don’t have time to admin with full commitment this is not the right type of rp to attempt.

With that in mind, let’s go!

FULL GUIDE IN THE SOURCE LINK! 

BEFORE THE ACTUAL DAY

First of all, getting apps is fun and it’s easy to get wrapped up in the excitement and want to move things forward as soon as possible. However, I recommend you don’t rush! Do not move up your acceptance date or the date that you close the inbox! This isn’t fair to the people who were planning on finishing up their apps before the original deadline who now have to crunch to meet the new deadline or may not be able to make the new deadline at all because of irl responsibilities. It’s always good to give lots of warning for the inbox closing and stick to it! 

I also recommend that you do not lower the threshold of people needed to open. Sometimes it can be disheartening to set an app threshold at ten and then only get six apps, even if the days grind on with no new apps, stick it out and keep promoting! Opening with less than eight characters (and for apples I’d say 15 characters) is going to make activity lackluster. It’s better to delay opening for the sake of having a grand first day than to jump the gun and end up making the rp fizzle before it can even start. 

About 52 hours before acceptances are set to take place I like to write out a to-do list and put it in my drafts. It usually involves ‘write acceptance posts, update skeletons, update main, post acceptances, post follows, post opening note’. Just having everything you need to do between then and opening written out in order is so helpful. And being able to check things off the list creates both a feeling of relief and excitement. So make a plan, determine how soon everything needs to be done, and work through it meticulously. In the rush of opening day it can be easy to forget important things like updating the triggers page.

If I have time I try to write everything hours in advance. When it comes to things like opening announcements and plot drops I try to write those at least 24 hours of their release time. And this is why I like, for competitive rps, to close the inbox and then give myself at least two hours to deliberate. But I’d even encourage giving yourself 6 hours between the inbox closing and posting acceptances. I know that’s a while to make people wait but apps can get pretty long and reading them all (and probably rereading a few of them multiple times) can be a lengthy process! 

I always try not to read the apps at all before the deliberation time. I find that if I read an app when it comes in that gives the first person an advantage because they have more time for me to adapt to their vision and start to assimilate it and get attached. And that’s not fair to the people who may have stumbled upon the rp later. So I just read the app far enough to get the info for the app count.

Just as a general rule I like to post important dates and times in at least two different timezones. For example ‘Acceptances are at 6am GMT / 1pm EST / 10pm PST ’. That way you can show that you are keeping other timezones in mind. And plus it’s nice to just to the conversion work so your applicants don’t have to. 

DELIBERATION TIME

Start by reading the apps which don’t have competition. These ones are easiest because it’s not a matter of determining whether they are the best of the bunch, it’s just deciding whether or not they are are passable. So I always read those first and then write their acceptance post immediately after I make my decision so that at least I’ll have that to post at the set acceptance date. That way, even if I haven’t made a decision on all the apps I’ll have something to post to show that I am reading apps and trying to stick to schedule! 

When your are dealing with competitive apps there are a few things I look for in an application: 

The most important is that the applicant seems willing to talk to you. This could be asks, ims, or even a little note in the app! Writers who want to make it clear what their intentions/desires/goals are ooc are going to be the easiest to work with! Plus it gives you an idea of how flexible they are! Those who dig their heels in when you offer up alternative suggestions are probably not good to work with. You want to find someone who has direction, intention, and ideas but don’t treat your ideas (or anyone else’s) as lesser than their own. 

Call for humor! I’ve found that I have trouble with people who take themselves and their characters too seriously. This means that they often won’t be up for plotting since they don’t want their character to be anything less than graceful. Humor is a really good sign that a writer is fun, creative, and understands their character. 

I also get wary of people who overhype the rp. Making edits/adding memes in the talk tag is all very nice, but when it looks like an rpt is promoting my rp just to give themselves an advantage over other applicants I tend to count that against them. I don’t like the idea of an rpt trying to use their signal boosting and popularity in the rpc as leverage over me. 

One of the biggest red flags is someone not sticking to the skeleton! If someone blatantly disregards one or more aspects of the skeleton that is an instant strike against them. I don’t like it when people have ocs that they adapt to fit a skeleton because most of the time that means that they don’t really care about the skeleton and your ideas. However, if they contact me about changes to the skeleton in advance and ask if some edits are alright then that’s actually a really good sign! I want people to play a character that they are happy about and I’m willing to change up any skeleton. I just need to know the applicant is willing to work with me instead of against me. 

Do not be afraid to deny applications. I used to never do this because I felt it was too mean and judgmental but now I realize I reserve the right as an admin to deny any app or character that I don’t vibe with. Go with your gut, and if the application is making you uncomfortable or nervous in any way, do not accept them. Sometimes it’s better to have one role go unwritten than to have someone who isn’t good for the group. Because both ic and ooc dynamics contribute to the effectiveness and survival of the group, you need to be excited to work with everyone and their characters. 

One of the ways that I protect myself from muns who may not be right for the rp is by putting a password in the rules. Often the apps that make me uncomfortable are the ones that disregard or contradict the skeleton or plot. It’s clear that the mun either wasn’t paying attention, reading the pages carefully, or just chose to ignore what they read. It’s often That the apps that I don’t vibe with end up being the ones that don’t read the rules and therefor don’t put the password. So not only is it a good indicator to me that the mun might not be very considerate but it’s also a great default reason to deny an app without having to tell the mun directly that you didn’t like other aspects of their app. Most often I allow them to reapply if they’d like to but their acceptance won’t be immediate, so that there’s a chance someone else might apply for the same role with an application than doesn’t skeeve me out.

ONCE YOU’VE MADE THE DECISION

Write out your acceptance notes. I try to write a full paragraph for everyone when I am accepting for a skeleton rp. If there’s more than 20 characters being accepted then obviously don’t, since that’s way too much to ask of you. But if it’s a small group I always endorse writing a little welcome the chosen mun saying what ti was about their appt hat you gravitated towards. It’s kind of a way to also provide feedback to those who were denied as to what their app might have been missing. Plus, it’s just a good way to get the right vibes going for the ooc portion of the rp. Muns need to feel appreciated! After all they put in the work to get there! 

I also like to offer feedback to those who were denied but with a disclaimer that most apps are chosen based on how they mesh with the other apps, since that’s something no one can anticipate. Usually the quality of the writing isn’t as big of a factor as how the character plays into dynamics with the others and whether or not their desired plots and connections with your vision and everyone else’s. Most of the time people won’t take you up on it, but be kind and thoughtful to those who do. However, if they are aggressive towards you in any way because they are upset about being denied block them immediately. Just trust me on that one. 

Keep everyone updated as to your progress! Just telling everyone where you are at (in the process of reading apps, writing the acceptance notes, or taking a break) is a good way to put everyone’s minds at ease. It’s especially important to let people know if you are logging off for a while on acceptance day.  That way people aren’t stuck refreshing the page and dreading that you might be ignoring them. On acceptance day I like to make a post every time I come online or go offline. It may seem like oversharing but it’s honestly so helpful to both you and the applicants. 

POST-ACCEPTANCES

Once you are about to start posting acceptance notes, turn off anon. I know that anon can be very useful for those shy and curious folks that don’t want to im you directly, but this is another case where you’re just gonna have to trust me. For your mental health turn off anon and keep it off for at least 48 hours. I usually keep it off permanently unless there are more roles that need to be filled in a second round of acceptances. There aren’t really any questions that should need to be asked anonymously once you have a full roster of muns and this is a good way to get people used to asking you questions via discord, im, or dm. To prevent nasties from bullying you and to open the line of communication between you and your members, turn off anon! 

And finally, once you have posted acceptances, close your laptop or turn off your monitor and don’t come back to it for at least an hour. I like to give myself two hours to go on a walk, eat some food, and just do non-rp things for a while. Acceptances are stressful and it’s important not to get swept up in it and feel overwhelmed. Taking a step back and remembering you exist outside of rp and outside of being an admin is so important. It’s hard to resist temptation, but if you have anon off really the only thing that’ll come into your inbox are follow messages and those can wait for two hours (or more)! But like I said above, keep everyone updated that you are going to log off for a bit and you’ll be back. Just so no one assumes the worst. 

Just remember to be kind to your applicants and to yourself! It’s a stressful time for everyone! 

#rpc #rpt #rph #how rigby runs a roleplay ! #advice ! #guide

[seaswalllow]

24/5/2021 fundy lore recap, as best as i could! warning for heavy manipulation ^^"

lore starts six minutes in:

been having trouble sleeping

pulls fox into dream

can’t remember his dream?

“there was someone. uh… and then what?”

“opened my door, saw an old friend, it was so long since i spoke to him- it was quackity!”

“we go back to lman- um.”

“i kinda do miss that place”

“remember the times when i couldn’t stop a nation from blowing up? remember the times when i helped the guy that killed tubbo? yeah i remember those times” [11:35]

“you know what bothers me the most? i’ve been having nightmares, and crazy visual stuff happening in my dreams that i don’t even know how to explain it. but every single time, at the end- my memory goes back to those days. how i always was there, had the chance, had the little helper of wilbur, of schlatt, of butcher army, and somehow, i couldn’t do anything” [12:30]

“leads me to believe it was always my fault”

“quackity showed up at my doorstep, and told me a few things. told me the things i was a part of. told me a few things that made sense. and a few things that weren’t great to hear. but he was right.” [14:50]

“there was me thinking that he came to see me or something! i isolated myself from the world, tried to save everyone from some crazy shit happening, because every time i’m a part of something, it seems to break down” [16:10]

“i thought he came to say hi, to see me, but he had a different idea, and honestly i don’t blame him. he’s a business man. he made some good points, and i think he’s a nice guy. i honestly don’t think he was wrong at all” [16:50]

“time for a new chapter maybe”

fundy decides to hear quackity out, heads off to meet quackity; quackity takes him around las nevadas

“i was there for friendship. at the end of the day- i’ve known you since- at the end of the day, i wasn’t there for business, i was there for you.”[q] “you mean that?” “fundy- you and me, why were you in the cabinet, in the butcher army along with me? because we got along. i don’t remember a single moment where you caused problems, you always had the best interests of the country, same interests as me.” [22:00]

“fundy. this is home. if you ever do decide to join me- remember, this is not las nevadas, this is home.” [23:41]

“when lmanberg got destroyed, i had nowhere to go. i’ve had two homes- the lmanberg home (we got into neighbor disputes, remember?), and the house underneath karls house, but i’ve left that place, and i don’t ever think of going back to that place” [24:40]

“do you want me to be honest? as much as i want this to be a new chapter- new chapters have to be filled with will. for me, it had to be a necessity. either start anew, or rotting in self pity.”[q] “and you were strong!”[fundy] “and it had to happen.”[q]

“fundy, you listen to me carefully. this is my country. we are under no ruler- no tommy, no wilbur, no tubbo, no schlatt. this is our country. we don’t have to worry abt cabinet meetings, we don’t have to worry about going to countries with every week. we are free.” [27:30]

we are free here. we are home. this is our home, fundy.

fundy, im sick and tired of people telling me my entire fucking life that i can’t do something. i am tired of it, and thats why im doing this. [more repeating] this is home fundy.

“we’ve both been in that situation, quackity. i know how it feels.

i wish i could include tubbo in that, but he had his fair share of power for a while. tommy had a good bit of power; wilbur had power. we have never had power. we were pushed aside; by people who never thought of our pain. [q] [29:40]

“i dont think i’ve ever been happier!” q

shows off the wedding place again

i thought so too, that i found someone, but- i dont even know anymore, where it’s gone [q]

you have to choose the people that you trust wisely, fundy

calls people not wanting peace, love bullshit

fundy confides in quackity, tells him about believing that he’s a fuck-up

“fundy. don’t talk nonsense. not while you’re on the ground of las nevadas”

fundy starts apologizing; big q tells him to quit apologizing

“we have been kicked down, humiliated, for so long. because where are they right now? wilbur is, as far as i am aware, dead. tommy? i haven’t even heard of tommy for so long. he’s probably still chasing that disk, for so long. all of these people that i have considered friends for so long, are still stuck chasing the same thing, over and over again. and they think that one day, it’s going to change. fundy, it’s not going to. they’re going to have to change it themselves.”

“i extended my invitation. but until you find your self worth [basically] i would rather you not join las nevadas. i care fr u as a person, ur not a pawn, some asset, a business partner. ur a friend, fundy. id rather u work on urself as a person and realize ur own self worth. but i know that you’ll find that self worth; and i dont want you to be far away from me because we can do great things together.”

big q offers him an empty plot outside las nevadas, to build a home/whatever he wants. “build. your. home.”

fundy keeps asking for permission; big q keeps telling him to turn over a new leaf

“who is fundy? fundy is big. fundy is strong. fundy is smart. translate that, those traits, into a nice big building.” -big q

“you know me better”- fundy

big q: you have to let go, fundy.

fundy, pretend lmanberg never happened. pretend that all the wars that happened, didn’t happen. pretend you were never born again

they both shout to the sky that they’re born again

big q is using dap me up oh g o d lmao

big q keeps emphasizing “welcome home, fundy”

fundy is overjoyed at being recognized, a bit salty abt it taking three months, but keeps emphasizing that its Fine they’re just Busy

keeps emphasizing that he’s a friend, a good friend

uhhh just fucking around til stream ends

#dream smp #fundy #quackity #liveblogging tag #liveblogging ref #HHHHHH LORD ABOVE I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS BUT I JUST WANTED TO GET THE QUOTES DOWN. GOD.

[madisonmasochistic]

Im just a phase?

Ive seen many people talking about feeling like just a phase in peoples life, especially in romantic relationships, and i cant explain how closely i relate to that.

I feel like i had a chance at the butterflies, the real lovey dove type of shit once and what happened has left me empty and cold.

I crave those fireworks and butterflies but i feel fucking Nothing

Kissing isn’t the same

Sex isn’t the same

Romance is just something i do, i enjoy, there isn’t a ton of excitement with anyone anymore, i don’t get shaky anymore, i don’t get all giddy when i think of someone. Its fucking miserable, missing the pure bliss of being stupidly in love.

Its like I’m incapable of it, like i had it once and it fucked me up so hard that the idea of feeling that is just that…an idea..a fantasy.

Am i just a phase in peoples life until they find something better?

I got a glimpse of it when i found out they liked me back but it was wiped out when i started making myself out to be the villain again.

Don’t get me wrong, i still love people and feel love but its not the same as it was with them. Maybe it’s because i was young and stupid? Maybe it’s because the shit that gets to me is toxic, I’m in love with misery. I want the rage again, i want the blurry nights faded with no sense of whats really happening and only knowing i was in a constant state of danger and just a fuck ton of fear.

Why the hell is that what i crave?

When I’m in their car listening to music at full blast, head banging, or when i am high and shit its heaven, its the feeling of being free, of not caring about shit. Its the closest thing i get to that high that i felt back then. Thats different from the butterflies in a relationship but what I’m trying to express is I genuinely feel like a shell of a person now that I’m living semi responsibly and there isn’t as much dangerous excitement in my life as before.

Running away, falling in love with someone i know is going to fuck me up, being fucked up 24/7, not sleeping for days and screaming into the void, it was such a fucking rush that it’s hard to find that rush anymore.

I miss the fucking rage.

[sheismyteacher]

hi loves,

im pretty sure ive alr done all old monthly challenges that used to be on here in 2017/2018 including my own lol but @baeby-tc made a new one and its once again 2am and im missing her so heres summ facts u might not know yet!!!

1. describe your tc’s physical appearance.

shes about my height so 5'7, she has a blonde pixie cut and bright blue eyes, n freckles!! and shes super skinny

2. what was the first thing you’ve ever said to your tc?

probably hi?? i honestly dont remember much from our first class

3. is your tc single or taken? or are you unsure? and are you single or taken?

single!! and im taken lol ive been dating my gf for a year n 11 months

4. is your tc more of the athletic type, the nerdy type or the artsy type?

nerdy looool

5. if you and your tc were in high school together, do you think you’d be friends?

honestly idk? we very well could have been because we were both kinda alt (me leaning towards goth, her leaning towards punk) but also both insanely private introverts lmfsjshhd so we might not even have approached each other

6. name one song that reminds you of your tc and explain why that song reminds you of them.

savannah by lp hehee we're both lp stans but she got me into her music and the first song we talked abt was savannah

7. is your tc fashionable or are they more of the simple type? what is one outfit you’d love to see them wear?

oh girl... 💀💀 i love her w my whole heart but if i see one more silver glimmery cardigan i might lose my mind. id love to see her in jeans and a crop top but shed Never so honestly i'll take anything that's not... horrible

8. would you be willing to become a teacher and teach your tc’s subject if it meant you two could be together?

haha funny cause... that's literally what im doing... going into my second year of uni... going to do my internship with her this year... ummmmmm.....

9. does your tc drink or smoke?

no!!!

10. name one item that is always on your tc’s desk.

her planner loool shes super organized

11. has your tc ever done anything that has either thrown you off, annoyed you, angered you or bothered you in any way? if so, what did they do?

yea i think I've only been pissed at her once?? i was really struggling with a situation and usually when i rant to her she fucks around and makes jokes n all and im fine with it i dont take myself that seriously but this time i was genuinely rly upset and she didnt rly notice i guess although i alr lowkey told her to stop n she kept making dumbass jokes so i was like "this is genuinely not funny like im being serious for once" and she did apologize which i appreciate but i genuinely think that's the only time ive been upset with her! and shes said things before that other people would see as shocking but has always apologised even when not necessary shes super respectful

12. does your tc have any past jobs that you know of, before becoming a teacher?

no actually!! she probably had a job in hs/uni??? but weve never talked abt that wow mayb i should ask her sometime

13. does your tc have kids or siblings? if so, how many?

both! she has one younger sister and two sons!

14. are you taking your tc’s class next year?

as i said ive graduated but im acc gonna b an english teacher as well now and imma do my 2nd yr internship w her!!!

15. has your tc ever met your parents? if you were there, what was the meeting like?

yes PLSJSJDJDJD at my school musical... and it was lowkey awkward cause i told her all abt how my father is lowkey terrifying so she was cautious as hell 😭😭

16. has your tc ever given you detention? if so, what was it like?

naw i never have her a reason to

17. has your tc ever failed you? if so, how did you react? if not, how would you react?

noo english has always been my best subject so she never had to.. but if she did i probably messed it up!! shes fair

18. what are your tc’s hobbies/interests? are they similar to yours?

help shes a dancer and i hate dancing w my entire heart so umm.. no

19. have you ever spoken on the phone with your tc? what did you talk about?

never actually!! we've texted so often but never called?? except if u count the time she (or her son?) called me on accident for about 6 seconds jdjdhd ion think she even knows that happened, i hung up and forgot to mention it again)

20. if you had your tc’s class during quarantine, what were your zoom calls like? if not, have you spoken to your tc since quarantine?

we've texted, but not as much as we used to and it's making me SAD but i feel like we just dont have a lot to say to each other

21. if you had the chance to go anywhere in the world with your tc, where would you go? what would you do?

she loves switzerland so let's go

22. does your tc have any nicknames for you?

she shortens my name sometimes heheh i loooove when people do that

23. have you ever cried in front of your tc? why? how did they react?

no, i don't cry that often, and ESPECIALLY not in public

24. have you ever walked/drove to/from school with your tc?

yeah we cycled together a few times! but usually were off on different times

25. do you know which teachers your tc is friends with at school? if so, do you like those teachers?

yea theres a couple she likes but shes not rlly *friends* with anyone, but we have the same opinions on most teachers

26. what does your tc’s voice sound like?

it's very soft, and not in volume but in vibes? and she has pretty sharp t's and her r's roll a little hehe

27. do you like your tc as a teacher? are they a good teacher?

oh yes 100%

28. does your tc prefer books, shows or movies?

im gonna go ahead and assume books, but she does have netflix as well

29. is your tc stern or easy going, in class?

pretty stern? i know a couple of people are lowkey scared of her but like shes not awful she just makes sure the class gets shit done

30. how would you describe you and your tc’s relationship?

like a friendship! i asked her abt it once (ages ago) and she said that she was tryna figure out how she felt abt me when it came to labels like 'friend' cause im also her ex student etc so she didn't rly wanna call me that yet?? but i think if we keep talking we'll get there. we trust each other immensely

31. do you address your tc by their first or last name?

firsttt since march 27th 2017 😌

#mine #tc #tcc #teacher crush #female tc #female teacher crush #teacher crush community #question tc #question tag #tc challenge #july challenge #facts #????

[mothmansfriend]

when i’m happy oh god i’m happy

TW: alcohol abuse, non-graphic sexual content, unhealthy coping mechanisms, self harm (in many forms), drug use, couchsurfing, mentions of delusions and paranoia, otherwise reckless behaviour

Note: this takes place in @illogicallyinclined’s hockey au and is a Prequel this is supposed to represent what Remus’s manic episodes look like everyone is different, but im using a mix of my own experiences with bipolar i and some friends who were willing to talk about theirs, then changing it to fit Remus’s existing Absolutely Feral personality, Jared and Payton are OC’s and teammates of Remus, the three of them are known for wrecking havoc at all times because none of them possess a braincell.

The art studio was empty, filled only by the assorted music of Remus’s sculpting playlist on the bluetooth speaker he brought in, and Remus himself. His hands glide through the wet clay and he basks in the slimy feeling between his fingers. Remus’s hair is held back by a small headband and he is wearing a tank top and jogging pants already covered in various mediums he has used through the day. He does not know where the energy to finish every project for this semester came from but he isn’t about to object.

If you were to look around this studio, there is a high contrast painting of a tentacle creature that is unsettling in an almost unidentifiable way, half of a self-portrait which uses resin teeth as the main element, as well as his current project of a large cup shaped like a decapitated head. In short, while Remus believes these are his best pieces, the chances of the university permitting them to be displayed are very low.

Remus gets frustrated that the music didn’t seem to be filling his inspiration in the way he hoped he changes the song revealing it to be approximately 4am, and no texts received since he sent D a picture if the teeth pile around 10pm.

—

“Can you go wake Remus up and ask if he wants any breakfast, he really shouldn’t sleep in this late, even if it is Saturday” D asks from the stove while Roman grabs his carton of milk from the fridge and doesn’t bother grabbing a cup.

D grimaces at him as he chugs back the milk, once again thankful that they have separate ones (even if that is at fault of Remus deciding to mix apple juice with milk in the carton without alerting anyone else in the household). “He actually headed out like, real early this morning, I spoke to him when I got up for a shower at like six. He said he’d be back today though?” Roman replied ignoring D’s look.

“Well, that’s even weirder. I’ll make extras so he can eat when he gets back, it's already eleven.”

“Sounds good,” Roman noticing D’s almost done slides a few plates next to him and accepts D’s soft ‘thanks’.

Suddenly they hear someone miss the keyhole three times before getting it and entering. Unsurprisingly, it’s Remus inappropriately dressed for a casual outing, surprisingly he seems to be holding several bags full of merchandise. “Helloo roommates! Look what I bought!” Remus shouts, slamming the door with his foot and bringing his bags to the couch.

“Are those... cups?” D asks turning off the stovetop to curiously check out Remus’s merch load.

“Hell yeah they are! I figured since you-” He pokes at D, “Took away all our glass cups after me and Roman went to that last party, I would take it upon myself to replace them. Look!” Remus proudly pulls the ugliest Jar Jar Binks cup out of one of the bags.

Roman visibly recoils as his brother parades the worst cup he’s ever seen around their apartment. D rolls his eyes but collects the cup and hesitantly places it into the dishwasher. “Thank you, Remus, these cups are horrid but they’re functional, which, I guess is good enough. Though, how much did these cost?”

“No idea, probably around sixty bucks total though, maybe. I went to three different thrift stores. Look at this one!” Remus holds up a vaguely terrifying cup that seems like it may have once resembled Spongebob Squarepants to Roman.

“That’s… Great, Remus, thanks” Roman says taking the offered item.

—

The three make it to practice 20 minutes early because Roman likes to prove he’s dedicated and a good captain. Coach Thomas and Joan greet them and Thomas talks to Roman briefly as Joan finishes setting things up. D and Remus do some stretches as others begin to show up, D comments on Remus being shaky and Remus hops around quickly explaining that he just woke up with a lot of energy for some reason.

Coach Thomas reminds Remus to take his time during practices speeding through everything doesn’t work if he keeps messing up before he even makes it halfway through.

—

D is going to kill Remus tomorrow morning. The repetitive sound of the bedframe slamming against their shared wall, and Remus wailing like a cat in heat at 1am is not something he wants to deal with right now. It’s a Tuesday night and D knows Remus has a class at 11am, one that D will not let him skip because he decided getting laid was more important. How does Remus even get a man to willingly enter that nightmare of a room? D rummages through his bedside table for ear plugs and regrets giving Roman the far room so easily.

—

“Jesus- Hello? Do you know what time it is?” The tired voice answers the phone after the third time of going to voicemail.

“Of course I don’t, Jared, I’m not a fucking nerd! I just thought I might extend my offer of filling the fountain in the middle of campus with bubble bath and a swim to you and Payton! D already said if I woke him up he would cut my dick off and feed it to his snake,” Remus audibly pouted at the end of his sentence.

Despite it being three am, it didn’t take a lot for Jared to wake up Payton and agree to meet him just off campus to run to the 24/7 convenience store for soap for the fountain. Remus leads the group in talking a mile a minute about something that Jared and Payton actually missed out on entirely. They try to contribute but realize Remus doesn’t notice when they have their own conversation anyways. They listen to him vaguely flit through topic after topic and get lost and confused in his own sentences, and once the soap is collected, they head to the large fountain in the middle of campus.

The fifth bottle of soap has been discarded and the fountain is sufficiently bubbly by the time the three hockey players strip to their boxers and begin their bath. There are attempted drownings, bubble beards, and the fountain change being thrown around.

At some point Remus stops talking for a second, observing the lithium bulbs through the fountain streams and bubbles floating across the courtyard. For a moment, he thinks he’s never been this happy in his life, these last few days have been the best days of his life. He lets Jared and Payton know this and like stare at him for a moment before teasing him about going soft and a few “I love you, bro” “Dude, you mean so much to me” and such were exchanged. They leave moments before campus security’s due to do their rounds in the early morning and laugh when about an hour later they receive a campus-wide notification to avoid the courtyard for repairs.

—

Remus spends most of practice being more annoying than usual. He gets a bit more of a stern talking to than he has in a while, in response says that he’ll try to do better to prepare for the game this weekend.

—

He did not succeed and got an even sterner talking to by Coach Thomas and Joan, and then by Roman separately.

—

Remus has a brief moment of clarity regarding his spending habits from the last week and a half in the middle of his current project. His solution is instead of buying the club size container of hot sauce, he makes a trip to the Taco Bell off campus. After dropping off the rest of his goods at the apartment, it was pretty late in the evening and he was dressed in nothing but neon green basketball shorts, slides, and a pretty badly stained grey tank top. Thankfully, Florida weather permitted this, though the looks he had been receiving all day disagreed. It likely did not help that if prompted, Remus wasn’t 100% on the last time that he slept, but if he had to guess it was two or three days ago, but that was probably a maximum of five hours. Surprisingly, he had never felt so good in his life. He’s also pretty sure he’s said that a lot this week.

He leaves Taco Bell with a small meal bag full of hot sauce at no cost.

—

D doesn’t ask any questions when he uses the bathroom in the early morning and is met with the sight of Remus in the bathtub. He is covered in a large variety of substances. The floor is covered in Taco Bell hot sauce wrappers, there’s a box full of water balloons of various colours and sizes. Remus waves with his available hand before he resumes filling the current water balloon with what may be a bulk container of banana lube. D pisses, not bothering to ask Remus to leave and just pulls the shower curtain over a little before washing his hands and deciding to figure it out tomorrow.

The next day, D woke up around 10am to a few texts saying some prick is throwing weird water balloons at first years off this academic building on campus. D didn’t think much about it until he was leaving his 12:30 lecture walking past splatters of mayo, egg, egg shells, hot sauce, and more, all separately. While observing the damage he found Remus asleep on some grass outside said academic building and had to call Logan for help to get him home. The two are used to this by now and D reminds himself to tell Remus to clear his ‘great ideas’ with someone containing a braincell.

—

Remus spends a good majority of his day listening to one song in the living room of the shared apartment. He was there when D left for classes, he was there when Roman left a little later in the day, failing to go to his own classes at all that day. The second D returns for lunch Remus is trying to explain a hidden meaning in the song, D brushes it off and reminds Remus, that to pass his classes he has to at least go.

—

This is Remus’s third night out in an area of town he really doesn’t know. He went home yesterday for early practice before coming back out. He knows it didn’t go well.

In attempts to make himself feel better, he blew a guy who’s name he already forgot but was hot as hell, he lost count of the shots he’s done, but at least there’s no practice tomorrow. He doesn’t have to worry about when he goes home, doesn’t have to worry about Roman or D and their weird concerned looks. He’s doing great! Why are they concerned, they just don’t get it.

At 2 am everyone gets kicked out of the club. Remus walks six blocks with his new friends with the promise of couch space to crash on and additional alcohol.

It’s suddenly 4:47 am and Remus is the only one awake and all the booze is gone. He is sitting under lithium streetlights smoking a cigarette on the porch of a strangers house with the humid Florida wind enables him to sit comfortably without a jacket. There is a moment, with sirens in the distance that Remus lets his eyes go out of focus. For the first time in who knows how long, he feels present. There is cracked cement under his feet, a dog barking a few houses down, and he wonders why he’s even here. The hidden Prince twin, here, in a city he has only been to once for a tournament, in a stranger’s house, drunk off his ass, his phone dead. He takes time to wonder, is this fun to him? It has to be right? Why did he just leave without telling anyone? Spending nights on the streets, or finding someone to go home with just so he didn’t have to find somewhere else to sleep. Is this who he is now?

He doesn’t know if he can answer that. Remus shakes himself before putting out his cigarette on his arm and deciding it doesn’t matter.

He still doesn’t sleep that night, but plugs in his phone and decides he needs to go home soon.

—

This is a different club than the previous night, someone sold Remus a few pills earlier and he figured why not? He feels better than ever. He lets the man he’s making out with know that and he lets out a kind of raspy laugh that Remus thinks is the hottest thing. He lets the other man know that too before sticking his tongue down his throat.

—

Remus is in the park yelling. It is almost 6pm, he pauses for a moment, completely forgetting what he was yelling about. He realizes that he is pretty drunk. Remus would normally like to say he only drinks with an excuse, but he doesn’t remember why he’s drunk, or how he got to the park. This isn’t near campus, he doesn’t recognize this park at all. He just stops yelling and googles the next bus to take him home.

—

Upon arriving home and greeting D, Remus falls asleep in his room for almost 12 hours to make up for the missing sleep from the last four days. When he is woken up for food and offered tylenol for his hangover, he tries to tell them he doesn’t have one. They don’t believe him, but he takes the food. Remus makes a joke recalling how the other day all he had eaten was some stale croutons he found in a pantry and half a bottle of Fireball he found in the fridge nearby. The joke did not land, but he was too busy laughing about it to notice.

The three eat their Sunday lunch with small amounts of banter and D switching between who he agrees with based on who’s statement didn’t sound like it came from a six year old. As they clean up, Remus starts excitedly talking about something that’s topic changed around four times in one sentence. Roman feigns interest but got lost and doesn’t care enough; D listens and has to ask Remus to repeat things slower every few minutes.

—

Several times throughout the night, D hears Remus loudly leave his room to check the front door. In the early morning D doesn’t hear Remus return to his room, but faintly hears netflix turn on in the living room.

In the morning, Remus seems wary of the door but does not say anything.

—

One day while messing around in the kitchen Remus is struck with the need to just go. The urge is so strong that the more he stands still in the kitchen the more his body just begins to tremble with barely contained energy. He doesn’t quite know where he’s going yet, but as he grabs his wallet, double checking he has his bus pass and ID, a jacket, his phone, and his keys. Without telling anyone, he walks to the main exchange near campus where he hops on the first bus that arrives. The bus isn’t particularly busy, and it makes it easier for him as he settles into the back of the bus bopping to his music, but not having the focus to listen to a song all the way through. He hits his hands softly on the very 90’s looking patterned seats to the beat of the song, watching out the windows with both legs bouncing. He rides this bus to the end of the line and catches the next bus to arrive at that bus exchange that takes him into a new smaller city. The sun is beginning to set and he finds a pub to grab some food and a few drinks at.

An hour and a half and four drinks later Remus is fighting some asshole in the pub and they both get kicked out. He wanders these smaller streets buzzed and poking at forming bruises while he smokes a cigarette. He walks by a convenience store and two homeless men outside ask him for a cigarette, he shares and spends a solid amount of time socializing with them and gets some booze for his troubles. They eventually part ways when one of them come out from the bathroom with a pack of stolen cookies. The store attendant chases them away and Remus finds himself wandering down empty streets again. Eventually, Remus decides to sleep for a few hours curled up in a stairwell, he doesn’t quite sleep, but does relax. Again, in the sounds of small city life, yellowed flickering light bulbs, and humid wind, Remus wonders why he’s out here.

—

The flashing neon lights and bass heavy music resonate through Remus’s bones like electricity giving him a never ending feedback loop of energy. Just before the club closes Remus sweet-talks a kind of nerdy looking guy into taking him home, while he’s mostly just hoping to not sleep outside tonight, getting laid wont hurt either.

—

Sneaking out of someone’s house before they wake up isn’t something Remus is necessarily proud of, but he doesn’t want to risk them doing something cheesy like make him breakfast. Sorry sir, Remus is a Manic Pixie Nightmare Boy, do not catch feelings, do not use for your own character development. He laughs to himself a little walking down the morning rush streets.

—

After waking up in bed with a man he doesn’t remember meeting the night before is a little jarring, but this is not the first time. It makes him wonder briefly if something is wrong with him. Remus is tired. Exhausted with himself and getting a little tired of this much fun. Instead of finding a diner for breakfast he catches a bus home and asks Logan if they can hang out tomorrow. If anyone will force him to go home, go to practice, sleep and not give him a choice to study or not without expecting him to explain himself. It will be everyone’s favourite Large Nerd. Remus doesn’t know what’s happening or why he feels like this, but he needs to go home and stop this for a little bit.Virgil, D, and Logan will help him get things a little back on track.

#sanders sides #remus sanders #hockey au #bipolar disorder #university au #roman sanders #deceit sanders #remus prince #roman prince #d foster

[inspiringwhilerespiring]

Get to know me?

Yoooo - yall remember Myspace, and people would blog survey posts lol. Well thats me, I’m people. And I just wanna write my lil heart out and avoid all of my real life responsibilities. So found a lil questionnaire thing and I’m gonna fill it out. Also lowkey like doing this every so often so I can look back on it and reflect and see how much I may have grown/changed/shifted viewzzz ya feel? :) 

Sooo here yall go <3 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My neice maybe?

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

People who know me would tell me to put outgoing, but I honestly feel shy on the inside, so it just depends.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Literally anyone lmao fuck this quarantine

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Definitely

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Lets hope so

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind souls <3 always notice how they talk to their friends and family, but even people they don’t know like servers or janitors, etc. that shit matters heavy.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Probably not

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

A few homies

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nah not really, just depends

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Not sure -it’s been a min since I had a “deep” connection or convo that I can remember - but was probably with my bestie R’Bo

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Google that shit” lmao me, giving advice to my friends

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

TOUGH!!!! After Hours by The Weeknd is up there, Cayendo by Frank Ocean (been jamming his shit HAARD lately) and Inside Friend by Leon Bridges & John Mayer….but also been listening to albums - like Childish’s new album, Floreyyy for lo-fi shit, and also got into 070 Shake recently just to name a few.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

FUCK YA

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yeah budddyy

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Idk, my bday party was lit?? And lots of river floats happened

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Lol

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Cant deny that there isn’t so yaaa

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

No

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Just moved, so don’t know em

21. What are you bad habits?

Procrastination lol and biting my nails

22. Where would you like to travel?

Literally ANNNYY-fuckin-WHERE!

23. Do you have trust issues?

Hmm I wanna say generally no, but I also always keep it one hunnnid with myself, and as much as I’d like to say I don’t have any - I think I def have insecurities with myself, that have the potential to become “trust issues” in certain relationships, but overall no. I live by the whole “you have my trust til you fuck it up” mantra

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Coffee in the morning lately, missed it and forgot how energized it makes me - gives me time to wake up and reflect/set daily goals

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Stomach forever :((((

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Scroll on my phone, pee usually, or feed my cat lol

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Tanner maybe?

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My mom or my best friend R’Bonney - but any of my close friends and fam honestly

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Not directly

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Lol ok, so this is always changing…but lately (and by lately I mean the past few years) its been a no. I’m open minded though and am aware that I’m always changing my mind sooo who knows

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yeppperoo

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Honestly, those aren’t my “thing” lollike id prob laugh or be awkward or just have to be hellllla drunk - but like I wouldn’t mind Jason Momoa and Tom Hardy tossin me around

33. Spell your name with your chin.

hjaylkee

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Scocer back in the day - actually went and kicked it like a week ago for the first time in YEARSSSS - felt so damn good

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV, music forreeevverrr

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Lol story of my life

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

“Soooo” then probably ask a question or some shit lol

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Hmmm…definitely have to be funny/have a good sense of humor. They’d have to be open-minded for sure. Up for trying new things, places, cultures, food, music, etc. Just have an adventurous spirit I guess when it comes to that. Have a good line of communication/openness - and just be able to have a deep/intellectual convo about anything and everything. Bonuses: taller than me, likes cooking, and going to music shows.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Amazon lol I hate shopping

40. What do you want to do after high school?

To go back to high school :( lmao so much id re-do, cant believe its almost been a decade

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Hell yeah, this is life my dudes, dont take it so seriously - we all fuck up at some point or another

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Something is on my mind for sure, or im just tired lol

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yeah

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

DAMNNN WHAT so hard - I guesss if I had to pick, space…just because it’s more rare/harder to do I’d think.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

My cat lol with his meowing ass

46. What are you paranoid about?

Lowkey a lot lol

47. Have you ever been high?

8)

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Who hasn’t????

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

naw

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black probably, like half my wardrobe

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Of course

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My bad habits

56. Favourite colour?

Yelllllow :)

57. Favourite food?

Oh gaaawwd, literally anything - lately: PB&J’s, fries, wings, Mediterranean, Mexican, pickles, ice cream, ramenzzzz

58. Last thing you ate?

Pistachios

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Cofffeeee w creamer

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Idk, not off the top of my head - maybe something back in elementary

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nah

62. Been arrested? For what?

Yeah lmao

63. Ever been in love?

Yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

No its really not that interesting and idc to type it out

65. Are you hungry right now?

24/7/365

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Lol yes a few of them <333

67. Facebook or Twitter?

FB

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Noooo

70. Names of your bestfriends?

R’Bonney is number 1

71. Craving something? What?

Foooood, and companionship? Lol

72. What colour are your towels?

Idk, random, mostly blue

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

A lot lol

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Lol no, but I have my one from my childhood in my room

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

1 - shout out to you Mr.Fluffy

75. Favourite animal?

I am fascinated by sharks; and like gators/crocs. But I have mad respect for elephants, they’re sooo damn smart and beautiful.

76. What colour is your underwear?

Dont have any on

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

BITCHHHH CHOC

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

All of them

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Tie-dye

80. What colour pants?

none

81. Favourite tv show?

Game of Thrones prob

82. Favourite movie?

Avatar or Shawshank Redemption

87. First person you talked to today?

Sissy

88. Last person you talked to today?

Friend on FT

89. Name a person you hate?

No one, maybe Trump? lol

90. Name a person you love?

Everyone, fr fr

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Nah

92. In a fight with someone?

Nah

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Not enough <3

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Not enough <3

95. Last movie you watched?

The Decline on Netflix, short lil foreign oil, was deep/interesting

96. Favourite actress?

Not sure-Sandra Bullock? Or Meryl

97. Favourite actor?

Denzel or Morgan Freeman

98. Do you tan a lot?

Nah not anymore honestly

99. Have any pets?

Yessss

100. How are you feeling?

Mediocre

101. Do you type fast?

Ya

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Im sure

103. Can you spell well?

Ya

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Lol im nostalgic af, so yes

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yes litttty tittyyy

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Probably :(

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Hell yeah brother, I’m from TX

108. What should you be doing?

So much shit lol

109. Is something irritating you right now?

The fact that I ain’t doing all the shit I should be lol

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yooo yes

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Prob my sister or my mom?? Lol I cry a lot, idk and idc

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Hayls?

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

Back in the day

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Surprisingly, no

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Nah, unless maybe if its homemade

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Yeah occasionally, more of a Thai food chick or Japanese

119. Favourite book?

Kite Runner

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Low-key sometimes lol

121. Are you mean?

Hell noooo

122. Is cheating ever okay?

Ok, this is an interesting one lol I mean no, it’s not “okay” - since it usually constitutes lying/hiding/hurting someone - BUTTTT, for a lack of a better term - I wanna say it’s “normal”? But thats because I, personally, am on the fence about the concept of monogamy. Like no, I’ve never cheated nor experienced that in return - but the whole concept of monogamy and like that a person can love and only love or be with one person is WILLLLDDD and I can’t help but note that its a social construct that we, as a society, are conditioned to from the time we are born. Idk if that makes sense bc im high af lol but those are my thoughts…like to sum it up - cheating is fucked up and sucks, but at the same time its not all that surprising/shocking anymore, like borderline “normalized” just as divorces are and shit, so I feel like bc biologically we aren’t made to be with one person lol. I don’t condone it tho. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Hell to the naw naw

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Hmmm idk about that one, but also can’t deny it

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah of course, you’re talking to a hopeless romantic

126. Are you currently bored?

I guess we could say that

127. What makes you happy?

Food and close, loved ones

128. Would you change your name?

Nah, too much paper work

129. What your zodiac sign?

Cancer, with my lil moody, sensitive ass

130. Do you like subway?

I did lol

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Story of my mf life lol literally all my exes are “best friends turned lovers” situation, so guess it would just depend lmao

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Lol oh godddd; ok off the top of my head - Tupac - Keep Ya Head Up is what comes to mind; just a timeless song and the lyrics are still relevant/apply to this day and idk just really resonate with the message behind that song <3

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

Idk, but it was probably SO dumb, and told to my parents lol

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Either or, lately open so my cat can go in and out lol

137. How tall are you?

5’6 mayyybeee 5’5 actually lol

140. Summer or Winter?

Fall!!

141. Night or Day?

Def a lil night owl, always have been

142. Favourite month?

April and October for weather at least

143. Are you a vegetarian?

No but I try, and go through phases, I’m definitely mindful the older I get and more focused on my health I become

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

FUCKIN ALLLLL

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee but I like tea too, just seem to drink coffee more regularly

146. Was today a good day?

The grateful-to-just-be-alive in me wants to say yes lol but idk, felt off/unaccomplished and cried a lot, so no.

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“This too shall pass”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Sure why not

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“After all, what he had always wanted was just that: to know new places.” -The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

#survey #about me #haylee #thoughts #mine #questions #ask me anything #ask #lets chat #be my frieeennnddd

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 30

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- thanks for being patient btw! i work a lot these days and will work even more in the next few weeks (until halloween) so i may not update as often as i’d like. :(

- note for this chapter: idk, i feel like its a bad excuse for a chapter. especially the ending. im sorry for the bad writing.

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 30 : His chapter

NIALL

I had been in denial for so long that when reality hit me, it hit me hard. After the conversation with Louis, I went back home and locked myself in for a few days. I didn't try to call anyone, and didn't answer the door or my phone either. I needed time to think and I ended up watching comedy movies for days without really focusing on any of them. It was crazy to always think about the same person, to wonder what they're doing or what they would do or say if they were here... but it was happening to me. It had never happened to me before.

I would spend hours laying in bed with my eyes open, thinking about the conversations Olivia and I could have and have had before. So many things became obvious now that I knew she had feelings for me, so many of her words or actions made so much sense now... and some of mine, too.

I had thought about her sexually for a few weeks now but it never crossed my mind that it could be love. Not because it was not, but because it was easier for me to believe it was lust.

I started thinking about so many things we went through, so many things we lived together, so many times we were there for each other. I didn't have that many memories with anyone else and it's only when I realized that I wanted all my memories to include her that it hit me. I loved her. I was in love with her.

Why did it take me so long to realize that? Why did it take her so long to admit her feelings to me? She said she had always loved me and I couldn't even begin to guess how she must have felt all these years.

My reaction to her confession was pathetic. It was fear and when I admitted that to myself, I started writing. At first, it was only a bunch of words thrown on a napkin at a bar but with time spent on my piano, it became something that was potentially worth turning into a real song. I had never written a song that deep in such a short period of time and when I decided it was done, I was not sure what to do with it.

I was not proud to say I ended up in a bar a few times, searching for a girl to meet and bring home but every time I was close to do it, I would run away. There was a reason why I couldn't have sex with Maya and the same reason stopped me from banging a random girl I didn't know... and I missed that reason. I fucking missed her.

I had never been as nervous as I was then when I saw her walking behind Louis and sitting at the table. Seeing her after two weeks without any contact with her was refreshing. She looked exactly the same, she looked exactly like the girl I was in love with. There was nothing I wanted more than find a way to apologize to her, to prove her that I was sorry and that my feelings were real. I was not the type who would display or expose my feelings but I knew that this time, I had to go big, if only because I felt like I owed her. If paps and online articles wanted to talk about it and post pictures, then whatever. She was more important.

I didn't care about everyone who stood up when I was done singing, I didn't care about the clapping and the cheering. I was only looking at her and she was crying. She walked up to me and I cupped her face, wiping her tears with my thumbs. I don't know how many times and for how long I kissed her but I didn't want to stop. It was completely different than the first kiss we shared when we were teens. In fact, it was completely different than any other kiss I've ever had. Was that too cheesy to say? She tasted amazing, a mix of expensive beer and candies, and I couldn't believe I had waited that long to discover that taste.

"I love you." I whispered against her mouth, deepening the kiss very slowly, making sure I would feel everything. "You still love me, yea?"

“Don’t be stupid.” she replied, just as low. “I always have and I always will.”

"Me too. I always have, and I always will." I answered, my grip tightening on her jaw. "I was just.. a fucking idiot. And a blind one at that. I hope you can forgive me."

She suddenly seemed taller and I noticed she got on her tiptoes, her hands moving from my wrists to my hands on her cheeks. My eyes opened and her lips curled into a fond smile as my gaze traveled on her face.

"That song forgave everything."

Her words made me smile and I suddenly relaxed, realizing that I was still scared. I was scared she had given up on me, that she didn't trust me.. that she didn't love me anymore. She could have changed her mind, she could have given up on us, I could have lost her... but she was still there, even after all the pain I put her through, she was there, ready to give me an other chance that I wasn't sure I deserved.

"I promise I'll write you many, many more."

Once again, I brought my lips back on hers, wondering if it would always be like this, wondering if I would get addicted to the taste of her mouth, or if maybe I already was.

"Okay, okay guys, it's time to drink."

I groaned in her mouth when I heard Louis' voice and moved away slightly before sighing.

"Fuckin' Tommo." I mumbled with a grimace before my eyes fluttered open again.

Olivia laughed and got back down on her feet but when she turned around to go join our friends, I found her hand quickly and squeezed her fingers. It was not the first time we held hands but it felt like it because this gesture meant more than it ever did before.

"Livi, hey." Louis said, pushing her mug on the table. "Aren't you glad you spent those five minutes on your hair now?"

She started laughing and I frowned with a smile at the inside joke I didn't get. I turned to Louis and raised my eyebrows as a question, making him grin.

"It's nothing, Neil, but you should have seen your girlfriend's hair when I knocked at her door." Louis explained, making my heart jump in my chest. "Priceless. And I said that 'cus no one would have paid for that."

My eyes found Olivia's and I didn't have to say anything. The fact that she was now my girlfriend had hit both of us at the same time and I was blissful... like intoxicated by the realization.

"You should see her when she just woke up." I pointed out, sending Liv a smirk and finally turning back to Louis. "A real mess."

"Really?" he replied with a thick accent, glancing at her. "I bet you can't wait to find out what her sex hair looks like."

I didn't expect that answer and choked slightly on my beer. Louis laughed, slapping my shoulder in a friendly manner, and left to get something else to drink. I finally sat next to Olivia and leaned my elbows on the table, turning my head to look at her.

"Are you okay with that?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"With what?" she frowned with an amused smile. "You and Louis laughing at my hair?"

"No," I chuckled. "With being my girlfriend."

Her smile turned into a shy one and she looked down chuckling sadly and shaking her head.

"Niall, being your girlfriend is what i've always wanted." she explained low.

I used two fingers to move her chin up and make her look in my eyes. She looked just as vulnerable as she seemed when she admitted her feelings to me but this time, I was not going to run away. My eyes roamed on her face and I licked my lips.

"I'm so sorry I've hurt you all these years." I apologized in a whisper. "I love you, real love."

Her smile came back, more gentle, fond and endearing than ever, and my heart twisted in my chest. I didn't want to ever hurt her anymore and I was going to do anything I could to keep her happy.

"I think we should leave, it's getting late." I proposed when I realized she wouldn't answer.

She simply nodded and we said our goodbyes, thanking out friends for their support and finally getting out of the too crowded bar. Instinctively, I gripped her fingers and pulled her closer, moving my arm up and making her twirl around. She giggled like a kid and it made me grin. She looked up in my eyes and I knew I didn't have to say anything. We reached my car and I opened the door for her but she tilted her head and frowned.

"Are you sure you're okay to drive?" she asked, worry in her voice.

"Yea, no problem, I only drank a beer." I answered with a shrug.

She sat in the car and closed the door as I did the same but when I glanced at her, she had her eyebrows raised and a small smile on her lips. I loved her facial expressions, I always have. She was the funniest person I knew.

"What?" I asked with a smile too.

"You only had one beer?" she questioned. "One?"

This time, I chuckled and raised one of my shoulders, bringing my head closer before shaking it. I knew it was unusual for me and i couldn't blame her for being surprised.

"Yes, one." I repeated with an other chuckle. "I wanted to be sober for the song but when it was over I drank one. So yea, it was the only one."

She smiled fondly at me again and I just knew I was going to get that look very often from now on. Perhaps she looked at me that way a lot, I just never really noticed before. Or wanted to notice.

"Thank you."

"And also, I couldn't let you clumsy ass drive my new car." I joked as she hit my arm lightly, making me laugh even more.

I started the car and we drove around town in silence. The night was cold and it started snowing, bringing a magical vibe to the moment and although I knew she was not a fan of winter, I could see the happiness in her eyes as she watched the snow fall slowly. It's only when we were close to my house that I felt her hand on my thigh. I thought i'd stiffen at her touch but it was the complete opposite : it relaxed me in a way I couldn't explain, not even to myself.

We got out of the car and walked to the front door still not talking and I closed the door behind us. I knew I didn't have to explain anything, I just glanced at her and smiled.

"Grab a few blankets, i'll join you."

She just nodded and I reached the kitchen to make some tea, adding a cloud of milk in both and going through the sliding door of my kitchen. She was sitting on the small bench, staring up, her shoulders covered with a blanket and when I handed her her favorite mug, she turned to me and smiled. I sat next to her and grabbed a part of the blanket to cover my shoulder too and put the beanie she handed me on. We stared up in silence, just watching the snowflakes fall and cover the ground, and in that moment, everything was perfect.

"So everyone was right." I broke the silence, turning to look at her. "About us being more than just best friends. It was... written in the stars, or something cheesy like that?"

I raised my eyebrows with a small smile and she shrugged, tilting her head. She looked pretty with one of my beanies covering her head and an old scarf I hadn't worn in years around her neck, all wrapped up in blankets as she held her tea with both hands. In fact, she was breathtaking.

"No it was just..." she shrugged in a cute way and looked away before looking back at me. "Obvious."

I bent down close to her and reached her lips with mine, and it made my heart jump in my chest. It was so weird to do that yet it felt natural. I saw her close her eyes just as I closed mine and the feeling of her mouth against mine made me feel better than I thought. I hadn't felt like that when I kissed Maya or Heidi or any of the other girls I kissed before. This feeling was different and better. I couldn't lie to myself, it was much better, so much better.

"I see it too." I murmured, my lips brushing against hers as I talked. "It really is obvious now."

                                                      ---

I let her borrow some of my clothes to sleep even if we both knew she had left some of hers in my drawers. She had always preferred wearing my clothes and I had always enjoyed watching her wear them. Perhaps it was a bit possessive but the feeling of seeing her in Harry's clothes was horrible and I never got used to it.

"Tired?" I asked, putting my shirt on and turning to her.

"Not really." she shrugged, making me smile.

"Come here, I want to hug you."

It was the kind of things I could have said even before we started dating but once again, it meant so much more now that she was my girlfriend.

"Yea?"

"Yea.

"Catch me, then!"

She started running, taking me by surprise and passing right by me quickly. She was already in the hall when I started running after her, reaching my arm in front of me. My fingertips brushed against her arm and she squealed, making me laugh. She jumped on my couch and ran on it and I got suddenly scared she'd fall down but she jumped back on the floor and ran back where she came from. I ran quicker and bent down slightly, wrapping my arm around her waist and pushing her in my room before throwing her on the bed. I moved on top of her, straddling her waist and holding her wrists above her head as we were both panting.

"Caught ya." I whispered with a smirk.

"You did." she admitted just as low, licking her lips.

My gaze moved to her mouth and I dipped my head down again to kiss her. My grip on her wrists loosened but she didn't move. She just answered my kiss, smiling the whole time.

The last time I ran after her and tackled her down was because she teased me, saying only crazy girls wanted to kiss me. Now, she was the one I was kissing and she didn't seem to hate it. Perhaps, the girls who want to kiss me aren't all crazy, but I was not going to mention that. We had also ended up exactly in this position and it was right after that sex dream I had.

"I really, really want to touch you." I whispered in-between kisses.

She moved her arms and I let her, letting go of her wrists. Her hands ran on my shoulders and down my arms, but I kept kissing her for a few seconds before moving slightly away. I stared in her eyes and she bite her bottom lip gently. I had noticed that habit and i loved it.

"Maybe tomorrow, okay?"

I felt my heart sink in my chest but I smiled and nodded lightly. "Okay."

I kissed her softly one last time and got off of her to turn the lights off in the house. When I got back in my room, she was laying under the blankets, looking at the ceiling. I turned the light off too and joined her, laying on my back and staring up, too.

I knew I could wait for us to have sex and I knew it was not something urgent, even if I really wanted her, but I felt like she was a bit scared, and so was I, if only because I was not sure what she liked and what she didn't like.

"How do you feel?" I just wondered in a gentle tone.

"Better now." she whispered.

Silence again. Not an awkward silence, no. A light and warm silence that we both enjoyed.

"Did you write that song for me?" she finally asked after a while.

I knew this question had been burning her lips since our first kiss at the bar and I sort of anticipated it. I smiled, still looking at the ceiling, and brought my hands behind my head.

"Yes, I wrote it for you." I confessed, turning my head her way. "Only you."

We stopped talking again as we both tried to process what was happening between us. Now that we were laying together in the dark the way we always are, it felt real and true and once again, it hit me hard.

"You were wrong, you know?" I pointed out, still staring at her, now seeing her very well in the darkness of the room.

"About what?" she asked in a murmur, licking her lips.

I looked down at her mouth, trying not to focus too much on kissing her again and finally looked up in her eyes.

"The One Direction song that represents us the most is not Infinity, it's probably Home."

She turned her body my way and smiled, bringing her hand to my cheek. I moved my body to face her too and put my hand on her waist, feeling her fingertips brush on my skin softly.

"And Drag Me Down? Maybe?"

She smiled and I did the same.

"A bit of End Of The Day?"

"What A Feeling." she added, making both our smiles grow.

"Fireproof."

"Everything About You."

I frowned, an amused smile still on my lips, and laughed.

"What? Could you have picked an even older song or what?"

We both burst into laughter and I pulled her closer to me. She smelled good and she looked happy. Just seeing her like that made me feel happy too.

"I thought you hated that album." I pointed out, raising my eyebrows as she shook her head.

"No, it's just my least favorite because you don't sing enough." she explained, moving her chin slightly up to look in my eyes. I could feel her breath on my skin and it made me want to kiss her. Again. "I don't hate anything you do. Except... when you date extra gorgeous models. That, I really hate."

"Says the girl who dated my sex symbol of a bandmate."

She laughed lightly and the sound was incredible. Was that what it felt like to be in love? To think everything the other person does is endearing, sweet, incredible... to feel something explode in your stomach every single time you look at them... Was that what I was blessed to feel ever single day for the rest of my life?

"The truth is... The first time I kissed Maya, it was right after you kissed Harry." I had realized that a few days after Liv had admitted her feelings for me and it had been a shock. All these reactions I couldn't explain now made so much sense. "I was scared, and lost and... and I was jealous, Olivia. I was so fucking jealous."

I didn't expect it but she suddenly crushed her mouth against mine, one of her hands pressing on my cheek as her lips kissed me avidly. Her tongue slipped in my mouth and I finally answered the kiss, pulling her as close as I could and squeezing her body against mine. It was not a gentle kiss, it was rough and passionate and I was a bit scared of how turned on it would make me, especially after she said she wanted to wait before we did anything sexual. She slowed the kiss after a while and I groaned low in her mouth before she pulled away.

"I'm sorry." she whispered, her fingertips slide down my neck.

"Don't be." I  answered in a low tone too. "I'm the one who should be sorry. For everything. Just... you should stop kissing me like that, it makes me want... more."

She laughed and her eyes roamed on my face as she let one of her hand slip down my chest. Her gaze never left mine but her smile fell and she started nibbling on her bottom lip. I could feel my heart throb hard in my chest and remained motionless, just looking at her and telling myself how much I loved her.

"I never said anything about not touching you." she just replied as she moved her hand on my cock over my sweatpants. "I mean, if you want me to."

"You don't have to ask." I reached for her hand and pressed it harder against my dick. "I always want you to touch me."

Her smile came back and I fought against the urge I had to kiss her. Her hand rubbed on me slowly but it's only when she slid it in my pants that I held my breath, focusing on the way her fingers wrapped around my cock. She took it out slowly and I realized how hard I was, even after only a few seconds of her touch. She started stroking me gently and I let out a groan, my eyes fluttering as I tried to keep them open. Her lips parted at the same time then mine when she jerked me off quicker and i whispered a curse word. Her thumb rubbing steadily on my tip brought me closer to my orgasm but it's only when her other hand slipped on my balls that I let out a moan.

"That time I fingered you." I whispered without thinking. "It turned me on so bad I came in my pants."

I watched the expression of slight surprise on her face and her movements faltered for a few seconds before her lips reached mine again, this time a bit softer. I groaned again in her mouth when one of her fingers slid right under my tip and I bit her bottom lip maybe a bit too hard.

"Fuck, you're gonna make me cum so hard, petal."

I could swear I felt her shiver next to me and I couldn't decide what turned me on more : her or what she was doing. With an other curse word, I felt an orgasm spread inside me and gripped the sheets of the bed hard as I came, my lips rubbing against hers with every jerk of my body. When I opened my eyes again, she was staring at me with a small smile and I grinned back at her. I couldn't remember the last time I didn't have to guide a girl on what to do to make me cum when it came to handjobs.

"I fucking love you." I breathed out with a chuckle, making her lips curl more.

"I fucking love you too." she repeated after about a minute.

We stayed in silence, just looking at each other, for a very long time until she yawned and I laughed. She looked adorable, why didn't I notice that before?

"I'll be right back."

I nodded and waited for her as she went to the bathroom while I pulled my pants back up and tried to lay down comfortably in bed. I was tired too but there was no way I would fall asleep without her in bed with me. I felt myself start smiling as soon as she entered the room again and although I thought it was a bit pathetic, I really didn't care.

"You're gonna hold me all night?" she wondered, her eyebrows raised, as I felt the warmth of her body close to mine.

I was never going to stop loving this girl. I could feel it in my bones, in every fiber of my being. She was my person, and I was a fucking idiot for not realizing it before.

"Do I ever not?"

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan story #niall horan writing #my fanfics #amc #i promise more fluff and smut and drama anddddd emotions (good and bad) asap

[shakingsphere]

this is not my questionnaire lol 

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

i literally just told him that i dont want to hu anymore lol

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

nope! ive been blocked for a year :)

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

no  4. Is trust a big issue for you?

no 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

im not really interested in anyone 6. What are you excited for?

spring semester 7. What happened tonight?

i watched pokémon and ate dinner 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

no i just worry about them 9. Is confidence cute?

yes ofc 10. What is the last beverage you had?

diet coke  11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

4 or 5 idk this one is dumb 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

no they broke when i was jumping a fence in january  13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

probably nothing 14. What are you going to spend money on next?

probably coffee 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

no lol 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

yes i think people are constantly changing 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

my best friend 18. The last time you felt broken?

idk 19. Have you had sex today?

no 20. Are you starting to realize anything?

i dont think so 21. Are you in a good mood?

im neutral 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

no lol 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

theyre a brighter shade of blue 24. What do you want right this second?

to have gone to bed earlier 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

its none of my business bc im not seeing anyone 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

no its a couple shades darker 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

no ew 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

something my friend said yesterday 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

yea.  30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

no 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

no i kinda just pity him 32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

i dont have feeling for anyone rn  33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

no i drink diet coke like literally everyday 34. Listening to?

nothing rn, i honestly only listen to music to concentrate 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

no not even for my russian class lol  36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

yea at his house... 37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no 38. Who did you last call?

um my best friend i think 39. Who was the last person you danced with?

some random kid 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

sex 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

idk i hate cupcakes 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

no 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

ofc 44. Do you tan in the nude?

i dont tan 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

no  46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

no i took a trazodone 47. Who was the last person to call you?

probs my dad 48. Do you sing in the shower?

no but i talk to myself 49. Do you dance in the car?

no but i sing sometines 50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

i dont think so, no 51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

my senior photos.... so like 2 years ago 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

yes.  53. Is Christmas stressful?

i hate christmas 54. Ever eat a pierogi?

i’m eastern european studies major and they were v popular at pitt... so yes lol 55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

ummmmmm apple? 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

animator 57. Do you believe in ghosts?

yes 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

no 59. Take a vitamin daily?

i take antidepressants daily.   60. Wear slippers?

nah 61. Wear a bath robe?

nah 62. What do you wear to bed?

t-shirt n shorts 63. First concert?

LMAO it was a bob dylan concert my dad had an extra ticket and im his favorite 64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

target, walmart is too chaotic  65. Nike or Adidas?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm probs nike 66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

fritos 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

neither 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

uhhh love story? 69. Ever take dance lessons?

yes when i was little i was awful 70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

lol yea i can see me being w someone in academia 71. Can you curl your tongue?

yee 72. Ever won a spelling bee?

no 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

no i am rarely ever happy 74. What is your favorite book?

uhhhh the bell jar? 75. Do you study better with or without music?

with 76. Regularly burn incense?

i have never burned incense 77. Ever been in love?

no i dont think so 78. Who would you like to see in concert?

mitski or doja 79. What was the last concert you saw?

lorde on the melodrama tour 80. Hot tea or cold tea?

cold 81. Tea or coffee?

coffee 82. Favorite type of cookie?

um oatmeal raisin i think 83. Can you swim well?

i used to swim very well but i havent in a long time tho i can swim and not be scared of drowning so im gonna say yes 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

no? 85. Are you patient?

usually but not when im in a mood 86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

i hate weddings 87. Ever won a contest?

yeah once when i was like 8 88. Ever have plastic surgery?

no im pretty 89. Which are better black or green olives?

black ofc green ones are nasty 90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

its fine i think waiting until marriage is obnoxious and out dated 91. Best room for a fireplace?

living room 92. Do you want to get married?

yea but its not like a life goal of mine i really just want a good relationship

#personal

[purelafemme]

Mid 2020 reflections

The older I grow, the more important I realize it is to extend myself grace, and to practice patience. All the pieces of my life will come together. This pandemic has taught me to be still. 

A few days ago I woke up in a grumpy mood. Over the last few months, some days will go by and I will feel fine. Others, not too hot. Recently, I decided to practice a tip from one of the former therapists. I took the time to “check in” with myself and pinpoint all the reasons I was feeling so out of tune. 

A big reason for this “out-of-tuneness” is coming from my job. I don’t feel as connected and engaged to my work, as I would imagine it would be if we were in the office. Its difficult for me to focus and relax in my room. All my life I have struggled with performance anxiety, which has become heightened due to my experience in the AEA program. Teleworking has blurred the lines between my home life and my work life, making it difficult for my brain to separate the two. Also, I feel cramped and restricted due to the lack of independence and freedom I am experiencing living in my parents house. I miss my freedom and independence of living in my own apartment. I’m going to stay here until January to try and save more money (at least $8,000). Just like I felt with Morgan back in fall of 2017, I can feel that I have outgrown living in my parents house and living in Baltimore. It’s time for a new beginning and a fresh start. I don’t want the pandemic to prevent me from pushing back my plans further, or allow it to cause time to get away from me. It’s important that I take this step towards moving out for me.

 A second reason propelling my dismay comes from a realization that I had realized over the past weekend. I have a strong tendency to over give in a lot of the relationships I have. I went out of my way to plan something to do with my estranged friendship group from middle school, and I am not too pleased with how it went. In Boston, I didn’t have many friends nor did I engage in many social activities. One of the reasons I wanted to return back to this area is so I could hang out with my friends and resume social activities again. Earlier this summer, I started putting a lot of energy into hanging out and doing things with and for my friends. But after these two-three years of me being away, I’ve realized that some of my friend groups/dynamics are not the same. Honestly, I feel like a big part of the reason why I started hanging out a lot with my friends is because since my love life is not going the way that I want it to, I want to keep people around me a lot to avoid feeling lonely, to mask the loneliness. But I want to shed those feelings and really take the time to get into myself. One of the reasons I delayed grad school was because I really wanted to take space for myself to develop myself (Develop myself spiritually, mentally--develop my fashion, my interests, my personality, knowledge). This has made me realize that I want and need to feel more comfortable being alone, which is another reason why I think living alone would be good for my personal growth. Additionally, even though things didn't work out the way I intended them to with my partner earlier this Spring, that situation has finally taught me, after 24 years of age (8 years of dating), how I deserve to be treated and what qualities I want in a partner. Given this, I think I need to now branch out and truly get comfortable with being alone. Over the last couple of years, I have struggled with being alone and I realized that I will go run to go hang out with people to avoid that feeling, or I will spend my time being alone and wishing I laid up with a nigga. I want to truly embrace the idea of just truly being alone, and being happy and content. 

Sometimes I experience a weird sadness about me not following through with my previous academic plans, which causes me to feel like im a funk. I went to research conference today where my peers who have continued with their academic plans were present, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge bit of sad that I didn't continue mine. This month would have been the month I would be starting my PhD program if everything had went as planned. Although I realized this was not right for me, I am still kind of bummed in a weird way about it. I worked exceedingly hard and invested a lot of time and energy into this goal, and now that things haven't gone as planned and I have seemingly abandoned my PhD dreams, I feel a weird sense of sadness about it. I may be still interested in research, but honestly, I am not sure. From doing the AEA program twice, witnessing the AEA Climate Survey, surviving the Harvard program, and reading Claudia’s blog post, I feel kind an overwhelming sense of jadedness by this whole thing-- and now I cannot seem to make up my mind about an exact alternative career path or graduate degree. All I know is that I would really like to have a concrete plan once this job is over, because I am not getting any younger and I want to have security when it comes to my career goals by the time I approach my mid thirties. 

Now that I have just written a list of reasons why I am in a funk because I am not where I wanna be, I want to take just as much time to reflect on all the reasons why I am proud of myself. I am very proud of myself for landing my current job opportunity. It took me over six months of applying to land my current position, and there was several times over the course of those months where I was bogged down with anxiety and self-doubt crept it! Literally the day I got the offer, I was laying in bed CRYING because it was April and my program was going to end in May and I hadn't secured a reasonable opportunity yet. My God is good, and he for sure came right on time. Of course, there are some days where my performance anxiety at work is on high, but  really in those moments need to take a step back and praise him for granting me the opportunity to get a job in my field, with a nice salary, with nice people and meaningful, clear growth opportunities. I am so grateful, and I need to acknowledge this more as well as congratulate myself for this. Even though things didn’t go as planned with the whole PhD thing, I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be in my life, and that is a beautiful thing. I am proud of where I am, and I know this opportunity will give me the tools to make the best career decision for me moving forward. I am claiming it now. Honestly, this is my first time since I graduated undergrad where I feel like I can breathe. 

I am also proud of myself for giving myself the space to develop ME for ME. There is so much other parts of life and myself that I want to explore, and now that I am no longer suffocated by the pressures of academia, I am excited to dive in ! I recently hired a trainer, and started my own business! Being in grad school is a huge educational investment that comes at a cost. The stress of that program didn't leave time for me to dedicate to other parts of my life, which I realized I did not like. My twenties are my formative years. So yeah, it does suck to have invested so much time in doing all those things to be a perfect PhD applicant and then to not even apply to PhD programs lol, but I am soo proud of myself for listening to my gut, taking a step out on faith and choosing a different direction! It wasn't an easy decision at first, but I am excited about where this side business will take me, and I am happy that this will be a chance for me to explore my artistic side more! I have always had this side to myself, but never fully dived into it because of the lack of time and resources. So I am proud of using this space and time to unlock a new side of myself. I also think there will be a lot of personal growth opportunities that will come from being a small business owner, which I have confidence I can tackle and that it will make me more mature, and help develop sounder financial practices ! :)

I am super proud of myself for taking charge of my health!!! My weight is something I have always struggled with since elementary school. I was never particularly fat, but I was never as skinny as people like my sister and my cousins. From a young age, I internalized a sense of being uncomfortable with my body, which has followed me into adulthood. However it wasn't until the later half of high school when I started to develop some health problems as a result of my poor diet and lifestyle habits. My period has been irregular since 2012-2013, which I am sure was triggered by the anxiety I faced from switching schools, eating predominantly restaurant food from working at Charlestown, and having a poor sleeping schedule. After four years or random, scattered periods, I got diagnosed with PCOS in 2016. In 2017 I turned 21. I started drinking alcohol a lot more, causing me that fall to weigh in at my biggest size ever--over 180 pounds. Since the middle of high school, my weight had always been in the 160-170s range. That spring, I was able to get serious about diet and exercise and shed some pounds due to my leave from school. However, over the past two years in the Harvard program, I have not been able to manage my weight properly, causing me to explode to the biggest size I have ever been--195.. And im not sure what’s going on with my hormone production now, but I know my gut is a hot mess. (This spring I just got diagnosed with IBS.) Since the pandemic started, I have tried to work out consistently and eat a balanced diet. However over the last five months I have not seen many changes in my body which has been disappointing. This week on impulse, I made the decision to hire a trainer-- this is going to be the first step towards making some serious lifestyle changes for me and I am excited to get into the best physical shape I have ever been in! Regardless of the number on the scale, I really want to do this for the improvement of my overall health. I want to develop a healthier relationship with food (stop binge eating/seeking food as comfort) and I also want to train myself to not only eat out of boredom, or because food is available. I know developing this habits will help me develop more discipline! Also, I think our bodies as humans are capable of so much, and I really want to treat my body good so I can get the best use out of it ! I want to learn how to swim, I want to build endurance and start running, I want to be able to sustain my own body weight, and become proficient at aerial yoga! Also, sometime in the future I want to have kids and before this happens I want to already be in shape and be in the position to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. Being a mother is one of my biggest aspirations in my life ! I am hoping that this change to my lifestyle will support better hormonal health and regulate my menstrual cycle, which would actually help me get pregnant easier in the future. I am also tired of having all these stomach problems (indigestion, acid reflux, constipation, etc)--clearly something inside of me is inflamed and thats why I am having these issues. Overall, I am very proud of myself in taking these actions and I am excited to see how my body will look, how I will feel, and in what ways I can grow mentally and financially with my business ! 

One last reason why I am proud of myself is because I have been making small strides to become more money conscious. However, I know I can definitely improve in this area over the next couple of months, and it is important that I tackle this since I have my first real job, (plus a side business) and I want to live on my own. I have always struggled with managing my personal finances, so I am excited to learn tips and develop practices that will help me be smarter with my money. This is also very important to me because one day I would like to have a family, and I want to be able to provide for them. So it is important that I take the steps now to ensure that I am living below my means, and that I can set myself up to be financially comfortable and not cash strapped. 

I was inspired to write this post because I woke up one day in a sour mood about my current circumstances and the fact that I am seemingly not where I want to be and I felt down about it. But then I woke up the next day and realized how much I really had to be grateful for, and how proud I am of myself for all that I have accomplished throughout my life even with various obstacles I have encountered. God truly has favored me. Even through this crisis, God has found ways to bless me and I have taken actions to better myself. For that I am super thankful for. There are people that have lost their life and their livelihoods in 2020, but for some reason God still choose me to protect, and to take me to the next level. So I want to take this time to publicly thank him for all that he has done on the inside! Instead of focusing on the all the areas of my life that I am not too satisfied with, I vow to constantly cultivate a heart, mind and spirit full of gratitude and praise. 

Other short term goals I want to accomplish 

- Join a church home/integrate other practices into my life to develop my relationship with him in addition to keeping the prayer journal (reading the bible, starting a gratitude book)

- Take better care of my hair: be more consistent with protective styles, trims, and deep conditioning! 

- Read more books (I have watched too much TV this year lol) I especially want to read more books written by Black women and the experience of Black women!

-Try new hobbies (in addition to swimming, I want to go horseback riding, etc)

#2020reflections personalgrowth blessings

[leejihoonownsmyheart]

Sing to Me

Part of the Tsuredere Seventeen series

Summary: 

You write a song for Joshua as a way to confess your feelings towards him. Romantic, right? There’s no way this can end badly.

You had always felt pretty unlucky when it came to life.

You had to work really hard on everything for things to work out. If you didn’t things just didn’t end up well for you. You failed tests, you missed out on extra cool opportunities and more. So when you fell for Joshua you couldn’t really say you were surprised.

If he himself wasn’t intimidating enough... For goodness sake he was attractive, and kind, and then he just had to also be a freaking Korean idol in a boy group popular for their insane synchronization and their really good music and choreography. To make it even more insane he just had to speak English and Korean.

God, just thinking about it was making you angry.

Nobody asked you to be perfect at everything Joshua.

You were furious. Completely and utterly furious at him for being so dumb and perfect. How dare he turn to you and ask you one day to be his girlfriend. God and your first date had to be so fucking magical and it had to be outdoors too, right when the wind was blowing and the cherry blossoms were blooming. The stupid pink petals had swooped around him practically beckoning you to fall in love with him forever.

So, of course, you had been fooled by his wit and charm.

Now all you ever did was run around like an idiot trying to be half deserving of his affections- geez, why did he like you anyways? You were great and all but not that great.

Now your anniversary was coming up, and you couldn’t believe that you had been with Joshua for so long.

A year, a whole year had passed and he still treated you just as well as he had the very first day you two met.

He had never been unclear about his intentions either. When you two first met, you had been rather shy, but still introduced yourself as eagerly as you could. He took one look at you, offered his hand and gave you a soft smile.

“One day, I'm going to marry you.”

Your cheeks had gone crimson, and you avoided going to events for the next month in fear of seeing him again and finding out that he was just some player spouting nonsense.

You tugged your shirt silently, pressing closer to your friend as the two of you walked into the room where everyone else was. You spotted Joshua immediately. You had only seen him for moments before but you still recognized him. 

All you could do was stand there and hope he didn’t see you or hope that he didn’t flirt with some girl and turn out to be your average dirt bag.

You didn’t speak your discomfort to your friend... Mostly because he saw you before you could say anything.

His eyes light up, and he raised a hand in the air as a greeting.

“Y/n!” He said excitedly. He rushed over to you and smiled brightly. “I was starting to think I’d never see you again.”

You were surprised he remembered you, much less remembered your name. You smiled at him kindly.

“Oh, hello Joshua!” You said politely. He didn’t even waste a moment.

“I know this is really sudden, but would you like to be my girlfriend?”

Your jaw dropped, but Joshua continued before you could say anything in response.

“It’s just from the moment I saw you that day, I can’t stop thinking about you... And I hear about you all the time now, you’re possibly the kindest person that I’ve ever had the chance to meet. So please, will you go out with me?”

You couldn’t say no to such a nice confession.

And now it had been a year since that confession, and you had no clue what to get him.

You grumbled in frustration, shoving your head into a pillow.

And to make it worse, you had heard rumors.

Joshua was considering breaking up with you. A great way to celebrate your anniversary right? To find out that he’s thinking about breaking up with you because you aren’t affectionate enough.

Sure he’s been saying he loves you since like month two, and you’ve been hesitant to say the words, and you practically run anytime that you think he might kiss you, and you avoid going on dates with him and-

You interrupted your own stream off thought y rolling off of your bed, letting your body slam to the floor.

How had he dated you for an entire year and not dumped you yet?

“What’s wrong this time?” Seungkwan asked, lazily glancing over at you. “Is it Joshua again?”

“Of course it’s Joshua again!” You blurted. “If I can’t make our one year perfect and prove that I do in fact like him, then he will leave me. I know he will I know it.”

“Y/n, Chang-kyun did not tell you what Joshua said so that you would freak out like this,” Seungkwan chided tiredly. You sat up from where you were laying collapsed on the ground and sighed.

“How was I supposed to react? IM knows me better than this,” you mumbled. “I like Joshua, I do-”

“So tell him!” Seungkwan blurted. “Even I’m smart enough to know that you should do that!”

“Every time I go to I freeze up!” You argued back. “And now it has to be super special or he will think I’m just saying it because he says it so much.”

“Joshua knows you like him-”

“Does he?!” You blurted back. “Cause I thought he did before but IM didn’t even know we were dating before. That’s how unaffectionate I am!”

“You do act like he’s a stranger whenever we all hang out,” Seungkwan agreed.

You sighed and got to your feet.

“So I have to confess to my boyfriend of a year and I have to make it like the best confession ever,” you stated calmly. Your heart skipped a beat. “What do I do?”

“You should just walk up to him and like ‘uwu Jisoo oppa I love you’ and then like actually let him kiss you and there you go. Romantic as heck.”

“No.”

You stood there, staring blankly at your desk as your mind raced, trying to figure out exactly what you should do.

And then it hit you.

And five hours later, you wished to god it had never hit you.

Write a song? Write a song for someone in the idol industry, yeah that’s a great idea.

You crumbled up the paper in front of you and tossed it into the trash. Luckily enough for you, Seungkwan had left ages ago, so he wasn’t here to witness your disastrous attempts.

You started again from the start.

I wish I knew where to start

A way to open my heart

But trying to find the words

Are the only...

You tried to think of a word that rhymed with “words” but nothing came to mind.

Maybe the tune could switch at that?

I love you, I know that’s for sure

You wrinkled your nose in frustration. DId that even rhyme? You were pretty sure it didn’t. You crumpled this paper too and started over. Maybe the song lyrics needed a theme? Maybe that would help.

11:11, I thought of you today

Again and again day after day, the hands tick and the times change, but when that clock hits that same small time, four numerals in and you’re on my mind

Make a wish to be loved, make a wish to be free, but all those wishes go to waste when it comes to you and me

Yeah.... Yeah! Not too shabby. Maybe if you just kept with the number theme...

My clock was stuck on 10:10, when you kicked it back into the groove and now it’s 11:11 two times a day and still on the move

24 hours in a day, and you help me through 25

You showed me the time so I gave you all of mine

You squinted at the words, rereading it again and again. Something about it felt wrong... It didn’t work. You crumpled your paper again and tossed it to the side.

Music wasn’t always literal... Maybe if you took a different approach... Less literal...

Complicated

I’m standing at the start of endless paths

There’s so many different ways this can go

This world has endless possibilities

Even a speck of dust can make a change

You stopped again. One reread through and it was in the trash too. Maybe literal was the only way you could really go...

You started again from the top. Still a little less literal, not too nonliteral

Sometimes it feels like everyone skips my page in the book

It didn’t used to matter

You heard the door open behind you but you ignored it in order to try and think of the next line. You knew what you wanted to say... Geez, that’s how it always was with Joshua. You always knew what you wanted to say but you couldn’t.

The topic was pretty good, but maybe you needed to write it differently?

I never had a voice to begin with

But I’m starting to hear myself and I like what I hear

I want to share

You stopped again. Stared for a few seconds, crumpled the paper tossed it to the side and banged your head against the table, groaning loudly.

“It’s not this hard,” you said in frustration. You started again. You heard Seungkwan beside you picking up the paper you had just crumbled, but you mostly ignored it.

How many songs fit this trope?

I think mine is in the thousands

Now you were just writing yourself into a damn box. You crumpled it, tossed it wildly and furiously wrote down:

I couldn’t sleep again

Hours spent keeping track of my dreams

Put two hours of rest in

And the page is blank

“What are you doing?”

You startled and looked up.

The person in the room was not Seungkwan.

Your cheeks turned a dark crimson and your mouth dropped.

“Joshua I-”

He had unraveled a number of your papers on the floor and he was holding one in your hand. You couldn’t find the words again. God  why could you never find the words when it came to Joshua.

“Who are you writing this for?” Joshua asked slowly. You got to your feet.

“I-I-” You swallowed thickly. “It’s just you know our special day is coming, and I was talking to Seungkwan and I was thinking about our relationship and I was just trying to figure out what to say-”

“What to say?”

“About us.”

“You talked to Seungkwan, and now you want to talk about us?” Joshua reiterated.

“I just want to make sure you understand how I feel about you,” you replied. He stared at you, looking slightly disheartened.

“Oh.”

You tilted your head.

“I’m sorry, it’s just so hard for me to say things like that,” you stated immediately. He nodded slowly and the paper dropped from your hand.

“No, I get it, I really do,” Joshua assured.  “I don’t know, I thought that I was ready for it but...”

“If you want me to wait-”

“No!” Joshua protested. “It’s taken you this long to say this, I won’t keep you stifled any longer.”

You opened your mouth, a little confused by Joshua’s attitude about the whole thing.

“So you get it then?”

“Yeah.”

You both started speaking at the same time.

“You want to break up because you don’t like me.”

“I’m in love with you.”

Both sentences spoken at the same time. Both completely different meanings. Your breath hitched in your throat.

“Wait. Why would I want to break up with you?” You asked. Joshua looked stunned as well.

“Because you’re in love with Seungkwan!” He stated. You stood up.

“What?! No, I’m in love with you!” You protested back. “I just can’t figure out how to say it and IM told me you were considering breaking up with me, and so I freaked out and Seungkwan said that I needed to just tell you already, but I couldn’t do that some easy way so I thought I’d write you a song and-”

Joshua interrupted by grabbing you by the shoulders, his lips pressing firmly against yours. You were so surprised that you didn’t even react. You stood stock still and waited until he pulled away to even breath. 

You gaped at him.

“Josh-”

“I hope that was okay, I’ve been wanting to do that for like a year,” he murmured shyly.

You smiled softly, hiding the look beneath your hand.

“Yeah... Yeah it was okay.”

You would explain everything later, but right now you would just appreciate that Joshua definitely wouldn’t be breaking up with you today.

#SORRY I SLOPPILY SPELLCHECKED THIS #my brother is talking about canadian folk music #help me #please #Seventeen #seventeen fanfiction #seventeen kpop #seventeen fanfic #seventeen imagines #joshua #joshua seventeen #joshua kpop #joshua hong #hong jisoo #kpop fanfic #kpop #kpop fanfiction

[shrimpcolour]

Answer all 1-92!

yep yep THANK UUUUUUUUUU

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

absolutely not

 2. You talked to an ex today, correct? 

absolutely not

3. Have you taken someones virginity? 

absolutely not

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

yes i think i keep things to myself

 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

no bc of the rona

 6. What are you excited for? 

quarantine to be over 

7. What happened tonight? 

i am going through it lmaoo

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

i really think this question is gross no i dont care 

 9. Is confidence cute? 

confidence is cute as fuck

10. What is the last beverage you had? 

water, shockingly 

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 

one? maybe?

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? 

yes but i dont wear them unless nothing else is clean

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? 

probably play craft and cry

14. What are you going to spend money on next? 

dunkin donuts baebyyyy

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? 

yessirrrr

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

yes i think that i will be happier 

 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? 

my friend beenal i trust her with everything 

18. The last time you felt broken? 

right now as i type

19. Have you had sex today?

no 

 20. Are you starting to realize anything? 

that i cant handle being alone for a long time without starting to spiral

21. Are you in a good mood? 

im starting to get out of a shitty mood

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? 

i almost did one time when i was younger i was supposed to swim w super tiny sharks at disney but then i freaked tf out and bailed 

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? 

no 

24. What do you want right this second? 

a hug from jillie

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

goodbye thanks for letting me know but bye

 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? 

no it is darker rn

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

no that is boring thank jah jillie is funny 

 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

the fact that someone from vietnam with a windows 8 phone is trying to hack my email

 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? 

yes jillie so much

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

yes second chances are good and important (obviously not for certain scenarios)

 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? 

i dont hate him he just annoys me 

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? 

i hope she does 

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? 

no i only drink mcdonalds sprite and i hate coke and that stuff

34. Listening to? 

a criminal minds episode

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? 

yes all the time

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

yes i do it was at jillies

 37. Do you believe in love at first sight? 

no i do not i think it is gradual 

38. Who did you last call? 

i joined a zoom call for like four seconds today but then i left bc i hate myself KJLSJHFJLKHF

39. Who was the last person you danced with? 

my team 

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

hopefully bc she loves me

 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? 

today!! my mom made them

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

no i havent done that since i was a baby

 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? 

every day baebyyy

44. Do you tan in the nude? 

i dont even like showering naked or tanning at all

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? 

yes but not because of who it was with but because it was awkkk

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? 

no i fell asleep at around 11 am and i just kinda KOed

47. Who was the last person to call you? 

jillie a couple days ago

48. Do you sing in the shower? 

no i dance KASLHJLKA

49. Do you dance in the car?

you fucking know it

 50. Ever used a bow and arrow? 

no but it seems so cool

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? 

uhhh never???

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

no i think that they are happy

 53. Is Christmas stressful? 

extremely

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

i have but i am not a fun

 55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

apple baby apple

 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

i wanted to be hannah montana so bad. not even a rockstar i deadass wanted to be H E R 

 57. Do you believe in ghosts?

i sure do 

 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

a lot of the time it makes me nervy

 59. Take a vitamin daily?

no only when i have some

 60. Wear slippers? 

no mostly just socks

61. Wear a bath robe?

no but they give off bad bitch vibes

 62. What do you wear to bed? 

sweatpants and a hoodie when cold short and a sports bra when hot

63. First concert? 

hannah montana/miley cyrus and she flew above the crowd on a motorcycle

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

wwwwalmart baeby

 65. Nike or Adidas?

nike

 66. Cheetos Or Fritos? 

fritos but both are gross

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

sunflower seeds i hate everything peanut

 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? 

lover

69. Ever take dance lessons? 

im on a competitve team my guy

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

i have a “joke” that i am marrying an orthodontist so yes

 71. Can you curl your tongue? 

i can but i cant do the clover thing 

72. Ever won a spelling bee? 

no i suck at spelling LMAO i used to cheat on spelling tests in elementary school

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

i have i also cry when i get overly excited 

 74. What is your favorite book?

farenheit 451 

 75. Do you study better with or without music? 

i dont study

76. Regularly burn incense? 

no i dont

77. Ever been in love? 

yes

78. Who would you like to see in concert? 

HOZIER i would die

79. What was the last concert you saw? 

ed sheeran 

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

hot tea 

 81. Tea or coffee? 

coffee 

82. Favorite type of cookie?

oatmeal honestly it kinda slaps 

 83. Can you swim well?

no i really do be sucking at swimming my dad and a lifeguard had to get me out of the ocea once

 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? 

yes? can people not>

85. Are you patient? 

i dont really know??

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? 

dj type beat 

87. Ever won a contest? 

yes i won a constume contest at a dance party once

88. Ever have plastic surgery? 

nope

89. Which are better black or green olives? 

ummmmmmmm neither 

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

will be participating in it but fri dont give a care if u fuck before u get married

 91. Best room for a fireplace? 

living room 

92. Do you want to get married

the idea seems nice but i dont think anyone will want to marry me

#long post #mwah haha #Anonymous

[killanyone4you]

dont send me numbers i’m just gonna answer them all

1. Would you have sex with the last person you messaged?

yup.

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

no def have not.

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

yes

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

no. i need to feel trust to feel safe but i dont really have a hard time trusting people.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

no. haven’t hung out with anyone recently. sorta trapped alone.

6. What are you excited for?

um. getting my meds tomorrow? im boring af.

7. What happened tonight?

movies, snacks, cat snuggles.

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

no. i think this question is kinda disgusting.

9. Is confidence cute?

very.

10. What is the last beverage you had?

water

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

2 maybe 3

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

a few.

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

it is saturday night. over here gettin wild. movies, snacks. cat cuddles.

14. What are you going to spend money on next?

meds. food.

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

no

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

probably. i dunno.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

uhh. i tend to blurt out all my fucked up shit to basically anyone so i’m not sure it matters.

18. The last time you felt broken?

always yall.

19. Have you had sex today?

with myself. twice

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

i’m not where i thought i was and i need to get the fuck out as soon as possible.

21. Are you in a good mood?

im fine.

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

not really

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

not exactly. i do have my dads eyes, they look exactly like his, but his are pale blue and mine are grey.

24. What do you want right this second?

snuggles. kisses. affection.

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

typical.

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

nooo

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

lol no. and neither could anyone else the fuck

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

a boy

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

yes very much.

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

hard no.

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

no

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

i dont really know how i feel about anything right now, so i have no clue bruh

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

not at all

34. Listening to?

why are you here

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

when i need to write and i have a pencil.

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? 

no

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

noo

38. Who did you last call?

my boss

39. Who was the last person you danced with?

a coworker i think. just being silly.

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

they kissed me. i guess it was a good moment.

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

it’s been a minute.

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

CORONAVIRUS

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

constantly. every day. just existing when i have a crush is embarrassing

44. Do you tan in the nude?

i dont tan im white like a pasty ass ghost. but less cute than that sounds.

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

maybe.

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

i did.

47. Who was the last person to call you?

my mom i think. or maybe my grandma

48. Do you sing in the shower?

sometimes

49. Do you dance in the car?

always

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

no. that would be a fucking disaster

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

whenever my last school photo was.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

yes, but that doesn’t mean i dont also love them

53. Is Christmas stressful?

yes. but that doesn’t mean i dont also love it.

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

yes

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

cherry

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

i wanted to be a lawyer and a teacher

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

nope

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

all the fucking time man

59. Take a vitamin daily?

sometimes.

60. Wear slippers?

sometimes

61. Wear a bath robe?

nope.

62. What do you wear to bed?

anything. usually a tshirt or tank top and undies or shorts.

63. First concert?

well apparently i was conceived at a John Mellencamp concert. but it was Backstreet Boys lol. my dad mixes sound for live shows and got tickets to a sold out show the day off and surprised me with them. im pretty sure i was in second or third grade, it was great

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

walmart and target.

65. Nike or Adidas?

neither.

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

cheetos.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

ew.

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

this is tough. i actually love Taylor Swift. i guess i’ll say Gorgeous

69. Ever take dance lessons?

noooooooo

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

no. not really.

71. Can you curl your tongue?

yes

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

no sir i suck at spelling

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

yes.

74. What is your favorite book?

this is hard. i love a lot of books. probably Ella Enchanted

75. Do you study better with or without music?

oh god i dont study well at all.

76. Regularly burn incense?

no.

77. Ever been in love?

i dont really know to be honest. i want to say yes but like. i dont fucking know anything.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

i’d like to see the used again. i’ve only seen them once and it was a festival set so it was kinda short. and i’d REALLY love to see something corporate but that isn’t possible so Andrew McMahon in any form would be nice.

79. What was the last concert you saw?

the used.

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

cold tea

81. Tea or coffee?

iced coffee.

82. Favorite type of cookie? 

my families christmas cookies

83. Can you swim well?

pretty well.

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

can some people not do that?

85. Are you patient?

no. not even a little tiny bit.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

i dont go to weddings

87. Ever won a contest?

uh. none come to mind.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

no.

89. Which are better black or green olives?

no olives are good and if you disagree you’re wrong thank you.

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

im a fan

91. Best room for a fireplace?

any room really.

92. Do you want to get married

no. i hope i change my mind,

#this took so long #no one cares about any of this lmao #answers #honestly it was kinda fun tho #anyone remember doing surveys on myspace? #that's what this felt like