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a-cai-jpg · 4 years

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this is a very stilted post.

I have a collection of songs that make me cry.

I'm not in the habit of playing them very often. I don't even save them in my YouTube favorites, or my wormhole of a Spotify account. I kind of leave it up to fate for the familiar melody and lyrics to find me again, and on days where I feel especially brave, I'll queue it up on a drive. But only on a drive.

I watched a variety show about songwriters a few months back, and one of my favorite contestants said something along the lines of, "I think everyone has a theme that they just can't touch."

Sometimes, it's because the pain is still too raw. Sometimes, it's because we're too fearful to truly reckon with the sorrow, unwilling to drink it in, let it roll around in our mouths as the bitter flavor penetrates our tongue, and feel it burn on the way down.

I don't listen to the songs often because I'm afraid I'll become desensitized, that the most humane and most compassionate part of me will become numb.

But also because I'm not in the business of seeking out pain.

I used to be obsessed with tragedy, chasing it with a sort of masochistic relish because I thought you could never be as human as you were when you cried. It's kind of like why people really like those sad, touching Thai commercials that make you bawl your eyes out without fail every time.

But as I grew older, I realized there really is something that I can't touch. Sometimes, I tongue the edges of it, prodding with caution, but only on very, very rare occasions do I peel away the protective layer. There are some things I can't watch, can't listen to too closely, or else I'll feel myself unravel around the edges.

And not gonna lie, but now is not a time I'm willing to tug at the ends of the thread. So instead, I'll let a past me do that.

When I was a sophomore in university, I submitted a monologue for the annual Asian cultural show. It was submitted anonymously, because at the time, it wasn't something I was ready to talk about.

(it still isn't, but i have gotten more practice talking about it in the years that have elapsed.)

See, what had happened was, I was watching Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo (disappointment of my life, sorry the Chinese version is better even though the Korean cast is bEaUtIfUl), and suddenly, I had a mini-panic attack about death.

It was the dumbest thing. I was watching Park Soondeok try to woo Wang Eun, and the silly girl--bless her heart--hunted a whole bear to express her love for him. I remember the scene had startled me, because she popped on screen with a bear skin covering her body. And I was like, "Uh that's like, a lot of bad karma right."

And I don't really know how karma works, but I suddenly remembered something that my grandmother had said a long time ago. She said that she was a sinner, because she's "killed" so much for our family.

In Chinese, the words she used were 杀生, which literally means "kill life" but generally, animal life.

She said it because she is the main chef of our family. Whenever she visited China, our family would go through a bit of crisis because that meant either my grandfather cooked or my mom's boyfriend cooked.

Once, my grandfather served me Palmier cookies and the same fried rice we'd eaten for a week for dinner. Often, my mom's boyfriend chopped up carrots and celery to dip with ranch for dinner.

It was great.

(no, but our family barely functioned when my grandmother was gone. those six months would be us sitting silently around the dinner table, daring each other to be the first to try a dish.)

Weirdly, that little thing she said stuck with me. And in that moment, sophomore year of college, sitting in my top bunk watching Scarlet Heart Ryeo, I panicked.

I can't really dissect why I panicked. But the result was this ridiculous plan that I had to stop eating meat for the rest of my life to collect all the good karma for my grandmother.

(yeah, so that didn't last because I literally got sausages that weekend cus hello, continental breakfast.)

It wasn't that I never thought about death or my family members dying before then. In the second grade, I read a story about the friendship between a squirrel and a leaf, and cried and cried and cried when the story ended and the leaf died, not because the leaf died but because the leaf promised to be reborn, and would be reborn at the turn of the year, but humans wouldn't be.

But for some reason, all of the separate moments of panic and fear dispersed over a decade culminated in that moment, as I watched Soodeok pull the bearskin off of her head, and I started crying so hard I couldn't breathe.

So I wrote a monologue. The original draft was very, very long and very, very detailed, and I probably went through half a box of tissues writing it. I eventually cut it down and didn't save the first copy because I never wanted to read it again.

The theme of the monologue comes up every time I talk about my Chinese American identity. It comes up in personal statements, in creative narratives, in discussion groups, and in the Facebook likes I dish out whenever I see a relevant Subtle Asian Traits post. It's the sense of biculturalism and the accompanying endeavor to somehow reconcile my reality with that of my immigrant parents and grandparents. It's the weary acceptance that ultimately, there may be no reconciliation, and all that's left is regret.

Whenever someone asks me what my favorite food is, I would say spring onion noodles. But this is the funny part--I will never order them in a restaurant. Some time in middle school, I went on a family trip with my extended relatives in China. Every time we stopped to eat, my aunt would order me a bowl of spring onion noodles because she knew I loved it so much, and every time, I would make a face and say, "Grandma does it better."

See, I don't know if she actually does. I just knew I liked hers more.

After my grandmother returned to China, I started making spring onion noodles myself, because it tasted more like home even if I never got it right.

I also really like dumplings. My grandma makes the best dumplings, but I'm afraid to ask her to make them, because the last time I did, they were too salty. Now, I'm afraid to ask her to make spring onion noodles too, because maybe my memories tasted better than the real thing.

But the real, real reason I'm scared is that I'm scared she's getting old. I'm scared her tastebuds are not the same as they were when she lived in Monterey Park, cooking in our second floor kitchen.

In my senior year of college, I called my grandmother for the first time on my own. The moment I heard her voice, staticky over the long distance call, I started crying, and it was stupid because I had to pretend I wasn't crying and I was trying to talk normally and it was awful because it was the kind where your voice came in hiccupy stutters, and she definitely knew I was crying because she kept asking, "Why did you call? What's wrong?" while acting casual, for my sake.

When I was in the eighth grade, I was walking a friend's German Shepherd that ended up dragging me across the pavement in the park. It's a story I tell a lot, because it is truly hilarious in hindsight, but the ending goes like this:

I go home crying, because my glasses broke and I have cuts on the back of my left hand and down my face. I take a bath, something I grew out of doing years ago, and my grandmother doesn't reprimand me. She sits next to me and speaks in that vaguely disapproving voice of her, the tone of so many old Asian ladies, and tells me that life is hard and you will meet people that you don't get along with, but you just have to suck it up. And I start crying harder, because she cared.

That day, she also followed me from the front door of our house to my mom's master bathroom, asking, "What's wrong?"

We talk a lot about the Chinese zodiac in our household, more when my grandmother and grandfather still lived with us, but my aunt brought it up a few days ago. In the Chinese zodiac, the ox and the sheep are foils to each other--me and my grandmother. When I was little, I would say, "Ugh, this is why we fight so often." A few days ago, my mom said, "That's why you and grandma never got along," and I stayed silent.

I sometimes tell people that my grandmother is more like my mother figure, and my mom is more like an older sister. And my mom hates it. But, it's because everything that others associate with an Asian mom, I associate with my grandmother. All the memes about immigrant mother bringing their children peeled and cut fruit are about my grandmother, fending off my complaints about having to eat apples every single day, and stubbornly bringing me sliced apples and pears. All the stories about immigrant parents expressing their love through the words "Come eat. Food is ready," is my grandmother who singlehandedly kept her family together through sheer will and a kitchen stove.

Sometimes, when I'm brave enough to talk to people about how I feel about her, I would say that I would gladly give her half of the rest of my life, just so we can leave together. I'm scared her life would be less than perfect, and I wish I made money earlier so I can take her to Cambridge and Rome, but I'm also scared that I'm selfish and weak and unable to give her what she really wants.

Anyways.

Four tissues later, here's the monologue:

I am obsessed with time.

I am obsessed with time, but I hate the way the second hand moves relentlessly in an endless loop on the face of an old clock. I am obsessed with time, but I hate the way the mention of it tightens my throat, squeezing until the pressure travels to my heart and lungs, and finally settling somewhere deep in my gut.

I was told that time is linear. The Second Law of Thermodynamics. Chaos and disorder grow infinitely—there is no going back.

When I was little and time was but a tiny grain of sand in a large, foreboding hourglass, I believed in guardian angels. They were the ones who caught me tumbling from a swing, having flown too high on my too weak wings. They were the ones who waited outside the gates of my elementary school—a familiar face of comfort floating amidst a crowd of foreign visages. They were the ones who promised me plates and plates of hand-wrapped dumplings, and most importantly, they were the only ones who could cook spring onion noodles with a sunny side up egg the way I liked it, and no restaurant could ever hope to get the taste just the same.

But also, when I was little, I believed that guardian angels existed outside of time. They were immortal, they gave me life. But as the number of years they conferred to me increased, they seemed to become more and more human.

Sometimes, I’d blink, and for a terrifying moment, I’d catch glimpse of an elderly couple, backs hunched and hair splattered with grey, standing in my kitchen.

This is me, a girl obsessed with time. I had the liberty of being born and raised in the United States. My Chinese immigrant parents labored long days at work, and my grandparents were given the roles as my primary caretakers.

My grandfather was the quiet one, a retired electrical engineer who made it his mission to somehow teach me to love mathematics. My grandmother was the loud one, previously a librarian—the irony, I know—who never went to college but could calculate prices of groceries faster than I could pull out a calculator. I grew up dancing around their peculiar dynamic, seesawing back and forth between going ant-watching with my grandfather as I recited the Chinese timestables and trying to finish too many platters of food my grandmother piled in front of me as she told me stories of life back in China—in the good old days.

Growing up in California, it was inevitable that I saw the United States as home to both me and my family. It was where I had spent nearly two decades of my life—and where my mother, grandmother, and grandfather had spent nearly two decades of their lives.

And yet, two decades was not nearly enough time. Space could not be reconciled, and time was rendered obsolete.

Home, for them, was not our little town in the suburbs of LA. When my father passed away, my mother said, “We don’t have enough money to bring him home.” She’d said it carelessly in front of me, perhaps thinking 6-year-old me wouldn’t notice, let alone understand. But 6-year-old me did. Home, I realized, for them wasn’t home for me.

The thought was terrifying. I realized that there will come a time, when I’d return home, and it wouldn’t be the same place my mother, my grandmother, and my grandfather returned to.

I began to play with the idea of condensing time and space. How great it would be, if home was simultaneously California and China. Time differences, traveling time, the Pacific Ocean would be utterly abolished, and our hearts would return home together.

But time flew by and the pile of sand grains at the bottom of the hourglass grew without my noticing. I hadn’t yet the chance to tell my grandparents about my meditation on time and space, and suddenly, my grandfather decided to return home. Time had seemed to warp, fastforwarding the years I’d taken for granted, and now refusing to slow down.

Here’s the thing—I do not wish to be selfish. I want my family to be happy—to return home—but I am terrified that my own fragile notion of home will shatter in return.

Because the reality is, home isn’t physical space. Home is, in all truthfulness, time. Time I’d spent with my family, and the years I have left to spend with them.

I’d let time slip through my fingers as I tried to come up with this theory of “home.” I’d tried to condense “home” into a condominium, apartment D, a large peach tree shading the backyard. Yet now, the tree has been cut down, and my mother speaks of moving to a city forty minutes away. What then, I ask myself, is home?

Home is the promises I’d made to my grandparents—promises I’m no longer sure I can keep because I cannot cover large enough distances with so little time. Home is the way I could never tell them “I love you,” and the regret that builds in my heart as I realize that home is a ticking time bomb that threatens to throw the world into chaos. Entropy increases. Things fall apart.

In a little bit, home will be too many miles away, too many hours away, for me to return to. Home will be in a foreign city surrounded by a peculiar amalgamation of unfamiliar modernity and history she’d lived through. Home will be on the opposite shore of an ocean I cannot swim across, with no one to cook spring onion noodles for.

I am a girl obsessed with time. I’d been blessed with a lot of time, and yet, I’d tossed it all out of the window of my second story bedroom. I am a girl obsessed with time, and I’d trade in my soul for it to reverse, so I can make home a little more concrete, a little more happy, a little more lasting. I am a girl obsessed with time, and when I wake up 2:30 in the morning, I think I can see the sands rushing down the chute of the hourglass, and the sight of it tears me apart.

I am a girl obsessed with time, and I would like to apologize to my beloved mother, grandmother, and grandfather for taking so much of it for granted. If I had another run at these eighteen years, I only hope to reach this conclusion sooner and fulfill my promises.

Dear grandma and grandpa,

I am a girl obsessed with time. Every day, I pray to God to give you a little more. How had the time flown by so quickly? Was yesterday not the day you brought me on the airplane for the first time? I can still taste the juice of the grapes a stranger had given us—snacks for the little girl—in the back of my tongue. Yet now I’m no longer the toddler you held in your arms. Grandma and grandpa, time is rushing by on a train I cannot seem to catch. Will you forgive me for reaching our home a little too late?

Love.

(i included my favorite part in a creative narrative project i did for a class in college. if you want to hear it in my voice: here.) (pls don’t click for the sake of my voice bc i sound like a literal duck. click for my grandparents wandering around hangzhou.) (also, if it is different its cus i tried to fit it in somehow with a longer poem i was writing.) (i don’t like poems.)

The reason I wrote this isn't that I wanted to pick at a scab. I heard a song recently, from the same songwriter variety show, that I had blindsided a few months back. I heard it at around 1 am in the morning, and I cried.

Here is the collection of songs:

橘子 by 邓见超

考试考得好不好啊？ how did you do on your test? 有没有拿到大红花 did you get the big red flower? 老师夸我是个乖仔啊 my teacher said i was a good kid 奶奶自己保重圣体吧 grandma, take care of yourself 长大了出息了要晓得回家 when you grow older and do big things, remember to come home 别忘了这里的青山和路弯 don't forget the green mountains and windy roads here 记得要带一瓶辣椒在身上 remember to bring with you a bottle of peppers 还时常跟妈妈报平安 and often let your mom know you're doing fine ... 房子旁两棵树都被砍掉了 the two trees by our house have been cut off 墙上还贴着小时候的奖状 my childhood awards are still plastered on the walls 一个字一个字好像昨天啊 each word, each word, like it was just yesterday 宝贝儿子啊吃饭了 son, it's time for dinner 再不回家妈妈要教训你了 if you don't come home now, mom's going to be mad 这个淘气的孩子跑去那里玩了 this mischievous kid, where did he go? 找他都找不到人了 i'm looking for him, but i can't find him.

一荤一素 by 毛不易

一张小方桌有一荤一素 a small, square table with one vegetable and one meat 一个身影从容地忙忙碌碌 a figure good-naturedly bustling about 一双手让这时光有了温度 a pair of hands allowed this time some warmth 太年轻的人他总是不满足 the one who is too young, he's not satisfied 固执地不愿停下远行的脚步 stubbornly unwillingly to stop the footsteps traveling far away 望着高高的天走了长长的路 looking at the far, far sky; walking a long, long road 忘了回头看她有没有哭 he forgot to turn around to see if she's crying 月儿明风儿轻 >the moon is clear, the wind is light 可是你在敲打我的窗棂 is it you, knocking on my window? 听到这儿你就别担心 now that you've listened till here, please don't worry 其实我过的还可以 actually, i'm doing okay ... 你又可曾来过我的梦里 have you been to my dreams lately? 一定是你来时太小心 you must've been too careful when you came 知道我睡得轻 knowing that i sleep lightly 一定是你来时太小心 you must've been too careful when you came 怕我再想起你 afraid i'll miss you

父亲 by 筷子兄弟

时光时光慢些吧不要再让你变老了 time, time, please slow down. don't let you grow any older 我愿用我一切换你岁月长留<<br>i'm willing to trade everything i have for more years and months for you ... 微不足道的关心收下吧 please accept my inadequate care for you 谢谢你做的一切双手撑起我们的家 thank you for holding up our family with your hands 总是竭尽所有把最好的给我 always doing everything to give me the best ... 我是你的骄傲吗还在为我而担心吗 am i your pride? do you still worry for me? 你牵挂的孩子啊长大啦 the child you think of has grown up now.

时间都去哪了 by 王铮亮 (this is a cover)

时间都去哪儿了 where has all the time gone? 还没好好感受年轻就老了 haven't even truly experienced youth, and i'm already old 生儿养女一辈子 took care of children my entire lfe 满脑子都是孩子哭了笑了 all i can hear is the cries and laughter of children 时间都去哪儿了 where has all the time gone? 还没好好看看你眼睛就花了 haven't even looked at you carefully yet, and my vision is already blurring

if only... by ozi

如果可以把時間退後 if i can rewind time 別讓命運把妳給帶走 i won't let fate take you away 對妳能說著我最近做些什麼 i want to be able to tell you what i've been doing these days 希望別再錯過 i hope i won't miss it again 如果可以讓我跟她說 if only i can just tell her 願意付出我所有為了 i'm willing to trade everything i have 能換一點時間just to see you again for a little time just to see you again 別再擔心著我 so you don't have to worry about me anymore

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giinaporterr · 5 years

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i still find it funny how soondeok kissed eun once and he was immediately like ‘i want 2 kids’

#scarlet heart ryeo #mine.txt

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cheiianarchive · 5 years

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🤝 - soondeok @ eun

@laviteae ( ACCEPTING ) 🤝 Hold my muse’s hand / 🤝 Reach for my muse’s hand to hold it

was this what love felt like? why did he never feel like this when he looked at her before. All that he saw was a rough woman, a woman that could even fight with JUNG, a woman with rough hands and a loud voice but now? now he only saw a sweet girl. A girl that was in love with him and that ever since they met the first time. He should have appreciated her more, he should have LOVED her more but he thought that they had all the time in the world. Tomorrow they would leave, they would be together and he promised himself that now he would take care of her, that now he would LOVE her enough.

their hands touched and slender fingers wrapped around hers, a smile on his lips. ❝we are together, my wife ... and I will not let you go anywhere alone any more. I will be by your side until we DIE❞

#laviteae #👑 ANSWERED ASK | IC: WANG EUN #uh....#I am sobbing????#'until we die' he said #👑 MOON LOVERS: WANG EUN

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sehunsmuabrows · 6 years

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Teary eyed// Byun Baekhyun

Anon request :)

Prompt: “I’m not crying it’s just my allergies”

Pairing: Baekhyun x reader (Oneshot)

Genre: fluff, angst (bc scarlet heart)

Words: 1k

Warnings: scarlet heart spoilers

Every Monday and Tuesday and night for the past several weeks had been dedicated to watching Baekhyun’s drama. He had convinced you to watch it with him whenever a new episode came out. You had planned on binging watching it after all of the episodes had come out, but since your boyfriend was cast in the show, you were obligated to watch as it came out. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to watch the show, it was just that the cliff hangers would leave you on edge until you got to see the next episode. However, in this circumstance, Baekhyun would be on edge until he saw your reaction.

At first, the show was fun, the main cast was full of actors that you loved and they all had great chemistry. But lately it had been extremely mentally taxing to watch, all of your favorite characters were dying off and you were unsure if there would be a happy ending. Baekhyun would watch carefully, even though he already knew what would happen, he didn’t want to ruin anything for you.

This time though, you could tell that he was on edge from the way he was shaking his leg, waiting for the commercials to pass. You simply shifted your eyes from him to the tv, putting two and two together. You figured that something was going to happen and you tried to mentally prepare for it. A few characters had recently died of in a string of events, so you figured that the writers would hold off on the death for a few episodes. You were incredibly wrong, you found out as soon as the commercials ended. You felt Baekhyun's hand grasp yours, causing your anxiety to skyrocket.

“Oh my god, Baekhyun is something gonna happen to Hae soo? I swear if you don’t tell me right n-” you were cut off by him shushing you loudly. Normally, you would be irritated by that, but you were too emotionally invested into the drama to be bothered. Baekhyun’s character, Prince Wang eun, came on screen with his love interest and wife Soondeok running away and trying to escape execution by the new king. The two were soon surrounded and fighting for their lives, but it was a losing battle. You felt tears fall down your face as Soondeok dove to save Wang Eun from an arrow, dying instead of him. Her efforts did not save him though, Wang eun was struck by multiple arrows. He was on the brink of death when his brother, Wang so made an effort to save him. Wang eun pled for Wang so to kill him because he believed Soondeok shouldn’t go alone. You were sobbing watching Baekhyun’s face say those words, even though you had long since separated wang eun from Baekhyun in your mind. Wang eun collapsed to the ground after his brother slashed him in the chest as he had asked.

After watching wang eun’s body thrash to the ground, you hugged yourself to Baekhyun’s body not wanting to look at the screen any longer. Baekhyun simply rubbed your back as you cried about his characters death. You heard the commercials start again, putting you at ease for the moment. It took a few minutes before you looked up from Baekhyun’s chest, suddenly irritated. “Why didn’t you warn me! I really don’t understand why they had to kill of Wang eun, there was literally no reason.” Baekhyun only sighed in response, “I swear i’m done with this show, all of my favorite characters are dead now besides Hae soo” you lightly slapped his chest as you spoke.

“I didn’t want to ruin it for you, it’s an important episode” His voice wavered and cracked, causing you to look up at his face. His eyes were glassy and red, still looking towards the screen. He looked back down at you with sad eyes. Your mood picked up seeing his expression, the thought that he was emotional over his own fictional death was amusing.

A smile creeped across your face, “Are you-”

“I’m not crying, it’s just my allergies” he snapped before you could say anything. You chuckled loudly, wiping the small tear that had just dropped from his eye.

“I wasn’t aware you were allergic to anything”

“The pollen count is high today” he wiped his face roughly, trying not to show that he had gotten emotional. Your smile widened before you sat up on his lap facing him. You stroked his hair lightly, scanning over his face. The rotten feeling in your stomach dissipated as you scanned his face, noting that the man you saw die on television was alive and well in front of you.

“You did a good job on the scene, it really made me upset but I bet that was the point” you saw his eyes light up at your compliment. “It’s okay to cry you know, It’s an emotional show.”

“I know, it just feels weird to be crying at my own death scene you know?” He shook his head, a smile threatening to emerge. you nodded in response, you couldnt understand fully since you weren’t an actor, but you could imagine that it’s weird seeing yourself die on television. Before you could respond, you heard the familiar OST play, letting you know that the commercial break had ended.

You quickly hopped off of Baekhyun’s lap, grabbing the popcorn from the leg rest and fixing yourself into a more comfortable position. Baekhyun was shocked by your rushed movements. In a flash, you were laying on the end of the couch with your legs draped over Baekhyun’s lap. You hauled the comforter that you had brought from your bedroom over your body, and over Baekhyun by default. You zoned in on the screen while Baekhyun attempted to steal the bowl of popcorn from your grasp. You only hugged it closer to your chest, eventually resorting to holding it above your head, to keep him from reaching it. He eventually gave up, huffing out in frustration.

“This is what you get for not telling me you were going to die” You quipped, pushing him lightly with your foot. You both ended the night being upset because of the sad nature of the episode, but you were glad that Baekhyun was comfortable crying around you now. If nothing else you had that going for you.

#baekhyun #exo #au #drabble #fanfiction #oneshot #fluff

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carodrug · 6 years

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Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo

1st Prince | Moo Wang | Crown Prince | King Hyejong

3rd Prince | Yo Wang | King Jungjong

4th Prince | So Wang | King Gwangjong

8th Prince | Wook Wang

9th Prince | Won Wang

10th Prince | Eun Wang

13th Prince | Baek Ah | Wook Wang

14th Prince | Jung Wang

Jimong Choi | Astronomer

Soo Hae | Hajin Go

Soondeok Park

Sooyeon Oh | Royal Concubine | Court Lady

Last Princess of Hubaekje | Woo Hee | Gisaeng

Yeonhwa Hwangbo | Queen Daemok

#moon lovers

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canadianbaekhyun · 7 years

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Probably gonna try and catch up on Scarlet Heart now that it’s all done. tbh I haven’t touched it since bub died so...

#I'm still traumatized but hopefully they don't talk about him and SoonDeok too much from here on #I don't remember which episode it was so I'll have to spend hours finding it

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astarlightmonbebe · 4 years

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2019 Kdrama Year in Review

Alright, with 2019 drawing to a close, I thought it would be good to kind of organize my year in watching kdramas (ft. some cdramas). As per usual, I probably started around 100, dropped around 75% in the middle, and finished maybe like 10. My attention span is not good, but hey, I did watch a ton of great dramas this year and made some amazing discoveries. Let’s take a look! (and please keep in mind the top 5s are in no particular order!)

Dramas started: 96 (this encompasses ALL the ones I’ve started, mostly kdramas, but some cdramas, a jdrama or two, a couple thai ones, and one or two web dramas)

Dramas finished: 16 (usually, I aim to finish a kdrama a month (given my usual watching rate), so this is actually pretty good)

Dramas on hold/dropped: ~75 (excluding some I’m still trying my best to finish; I tend to get behind on dramas or stop around eps 10 or 11, so there are a couple I have like 4-5 episodes left on and am trying to finish)

Top 5 Airing Dramas:

He Is Psychometric

Arthdal Chronicles

Watcher

Hotel Del Luna

The Untamed

Top 5 Dramas Watched (Not Including Airing Ones/Ones in the List Above, Excluding Ones Not Finished)

Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo

My Strange Hero

Kill It

Bad Guys

Six Flying Dragons

Top 5 Unfinished Dramas (Ones I Don’t Plan on Finishing in the Near Future, but want to)

Confession

When the Devil Calls Your Name

You’re All Surrounded

I Wanna Hear Your Song

Tomorrow With You

Top 5 Actors

Ryu Joonyeol (Lucky Romance, Reply 1988, Believer, Heart Blackened, Money, The King)

Song Joongki (Arthdal Chronicles)

Lee Seunggi (You’re All Surrounded, Vagabond, Hwayugi)

Lee Jaewook (Extraordinary You, Search: WWW)

Jang Kiyong (Kill It, Search: WWW, Bad Guys: Reign of Chaos)

Top 5 Male Characters

Yi Bangwon from Six Flying Dragons

Ryan Gold from Her Private Life

Eunseom from Arthdal Chronicles

Kim Youngkoon from Watcher

Hwi from My Country: The New Age

Top 5 Actresses

Shin Ye-eun (He Is Psychometric)

IU (Moon Lovers, Hotel Del Luna

Lee Sungkyung (Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo, Doctors,

Shin Hyesun (Angel’s Last Mission: Love)

Shin Sekyung (Rookie Historian Goo Haeryung, Six Flying Dragons)

Top 5 Female Characters

Jang Manwol from Hotel Del Luna

Han Huijae from My Country

Wen Qing from The Untamed

Tanya from Arthdal Chronicles

Yoo Soobin from Moment of Eighteen

Top 5 Couples

Yuna and Hyeonjung from Hotel Del Luna

Dan and Yeonsoo from Angel’s Last Mission: Love

An and Jaein from He Is Psychometric

Gitae and Soye from Moment of Eighteen

Soondeok and Eun from Moon Lovers--Scarlet Heart: Ryeo

A Drama I Hated

Here I don’t want to talk about a drama I necessarily disliked, but something that made me drop a fair number of dramas that I liked a lot, including The Liar and His Lover and Radio Romance (and I guess Goblin and Clean With Passion For Now, also maybe Doctors but I’m seeing if I can get over it). And that would be: age gaps. It’s something that’s made me distinctively uncomfortable, whether it’s in the drama or the actors: the fact that young girls acting with older guys. Whether that is in the actors themselves, like the 12 year age gap in Radio Romance where Kim Soohyun was literally 18 and he was 30, or in a show like The Liar and the Lover, where the girl is only ~18 and the guy is at least five years older or something. Now, I know there’s all this legal talk blah blah blah, but it’s simply a fact that made me uncomfortable, especially when watching the romance blossom on screen, so I sadly had to say goodbye to some of the dramas I had gotten a good portion into before being forced to discontinue.

A Genre I Got Into

I don’t know if it was because of Arthdal Chronicles or not, but I blame the former, because ever since that drama aired, I kept watching historical dramas! This was very unusual, since I forsworn off watching historical dramas after The King in Love (which I never finished), since I disliked that they all seemed to have similar plots and greed for the throne always won. Those facts have not changed, but the only difference is now I’m watching those dramas knowing exactly why I dislike them and still watching them. I have discovered some good ones and learned quite a bit of history through them, finishing Moon Lovers and Six Flying Dragons (and, soon, Tale of Nokdu and My Country). It’s something that has bled over to Chinese dramas as well...I’m in deep.

BONUS: Chinese Drama

This year was the year I finished my first ever cdrama: The Untamed! I binge watched it over the summer and fell in love with the wuxia/xianxia drama. I discovered a lot of great actors as well xD. The acting and plot were seriously so amazing. I loved the morally gray characters, the villains, and the heroes all at once. It’s one of the only shows where there was no boring moment for me; even in shows I love there are always a scene or two I skip over, but nope! Not during The Untamed. I highly, highly recommend it.

BONUS: Movies

This year I tried to watch more movies (Chinese and Korean, and even a Japanese one or two)! Ones I watched include: New Trial, Juror 8, The Swindlers, and The Merciless. I also went on a Ryu Joonyeol binge over the summer where I was really into his acting for a long point, and so I watched a ton of movies he was in (listed in Top 5 Actors). I watched On My Wedding Day with my mom and sister (mixed reviews, I liked it at least) and Goodbye Summer with my friends (very mixed reviews, we were: confused). For jmovie representation, I watched Bleach and Kingdom (and unknowingly fell in love with Ryo Yoshizawa). For Chinese movies (of which I have been trying to watch more of to improve my comprehension skills, they’re still a -1), I watched The Witness, The Untamed: The Living Dead, and Jade Dynasty. I’m always looking for recs, so if anyone has any good ones, hit me up.

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