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idiot-children · 4 years

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haven't been on this account in months plus i don't even post writing on here but Hey have some unnecessarily angsty self-indulgent bullshit sanders sides fic!! mostly just a vent thing but ehh I like Roman too much to care

To Fall On Your Sword

TW for suicide, mild descriptions of gore, severe emotional distress (if there's anything else PLEASE let me know)

Roman sank down into his room, wracked with violent sobs. It was too much. Too much. He stared into a mirror - his room was full of them, just in case he got too separated from reality. Just in case he started seeing things. Because his reflection grounded him. But now, all his reflection was doing was making him painfully aware of how unbelievably pathetic he looked. Pathetic and alone. Because he was, and he knew that now. Thomas had given up on him, and at this point, staring into his reflection and desperately trying to make out something good, he didn't blame him. He wasn't even a real side, no wonder he was so useless, maybe he should fuse with Remus again, maybe then he'd be a real hero, maybe then he'd be useful, maybe then Thomas would love him again- oh god, never mind the adoration, never mind the fame or the romance, he just wanted Thomas to love him. That's all he wanted. And now he'd never get that, and it hurt, oh god it hurt.

He was bleeding. He wasn't sure how, or when, but the mirror in front of him was broken, shattered on the floor, and his fist was covered in shards of glass and stained in his blood. More than anything he wanted to punch the real thing, to let out his anger on something that deserved it, and maybe then he could finally bring himself to swallow his insatiable pride and become what he needed to be, what Thomas needed him to be.

He settled for letting out a sob that was really more of a scream and falling to his knees, his face stained with blood and tears.

He didn't care if anybody heard him. What would they care anyway? They had more important things, bigger things to worry about than the half-side with the hero complex having a temper tantrum like a teenager who'd just discovered My Chemical Romance and had decided that the whole world was unfair to them in particular. And maybe it was. Maybe the universe decided to fuck him over the second Patton decided that half of him - and, he really had to admit that Remus was part of him now - was too disturbing to exist. Maybe the second he was deemed 'the good twin' the universe decided that was enough good luck for his whole existence. He could feel the edges of dozens of glass shards beneath his knees, digging into his legs, he could feel them ripping open his skin from below; he took comfort in the sensation of hot blood running down his legs like paint, like some morbid art of his brother's design (although, come to think of it, what was the difference between his art and Remus's, anyway?). His breaths came out short and unsteady, half of him desperate for someone to find him, comfort him, tell him everything's going to be okay, and half of him praying that this moment of irrefutable weakness could be something secret, something that maybe, if he could just find even the slightest bit of good fortune, he could keep to himself.

He only half heard Patton knock on his door, only half heard him call out empty comforts with that soft but oh-so painful voice of his, and, logically, only half completely pretended he couldn't hear him. It took almost a minute for him to leave. Roman couldn't tell if he had gotten the message, or if he had just gotten bored. Either worked for him. He didn't want to speak to Patton. He didn't know who exactly he wanted to speak to, but it wasn't Patton. He didn't want to be comforted. He didn't want to have to act like he was feeling better only to go back to pressing down his desires and pretending he was okay with total self-sacrifice. Because he wasn't, of course he wasn't, but he conceded that Patton had to be right. Because if he was going against Patton, he was going against Thomas's morals. And if he was going against Thomas's morals, that would make him evil, and he wasn't evil, he couldn't be evil, he couldn't let himself be evil; Remus was evil, his brother, not him, he wasn't like his brother, he wasn't, because he couldn't be, because he wouldn't let himself, because-

Deceit's words were still ringing through his head (he didn't have the willpower to call him Janus). Maybe that was why, for a brief moment, he was so unshakably convinced that he was the villain. Maybe just the memory of the betrayal, the vulnerability on his face made him want to throw up, made him believe, for that brief moment, that maybe he was in the wrong. Like he had been with Virgil.

Just like he had been with Virgil.

So maybe he was the villain. Maybe he had always been the villain. He was an adult, he could accept that. He could accept that no problem, that he was... evil. That he was in the wrong. That maybe the mindscape would be better off without him. Maybe Remus could do a better job after all.

After all, there was only ever meant to be one creativity. He wasn't even supposed to exist. Maybe... maybe if there was only one creativity, everything would be normal again. Thomas would be happy. That's what he wanted, right? He wanted Thomas to be happy? That was what was important. That was the only thing that was important. Not him, not his feelings, not his fragile self-worth, what mattered was Thomas. So he made up his mind.

But if he had to go, he'd go out with a bang.

He considered ducking out. Maybe it would be fitting, considering how he treated Virgil, to leave quietly in the same way he had planned to. But they had gotten Virgil back, and Roman... didn't plan on coming back. And then he looked at himself in the mirror, one of the mirrors that hadn't been shattered, and considered for a moment that the sword in his belt really hadn't gotten enough use. Fine. That was fine. He could fix that.

He unsheathed the weapon with trembling hands, holding it out in front of him with the blade pointed towards his chest. He didn't want to say he was scared, but then, he supposed lying to himself wouldn't do him any good anymore. He didn't bother wiping the tears from his face. It felt freeing just to be able to cry like this, nothing held back, nothing hidden or repressed. He knew Patton would be upset. He'd have to be. It was in his nature. But he'd get over it. He'd move on. He liked to think that Virgil would miss him, miss their back-and-forth, their playful teasing; that mopey emo was dear to him, although he'd never admit it to his face. Logan wouldn't care. Logan's job would be easier, without someone like him getting in the way of Thomas's health - and he supposed the same would apply to Janus. And Remus... well, Remus would be free. Free to do what he wants. Roman supposed he deserved it, after so much time repressed. And Thomas would figure out what to do with him. This was for Thomas's sake, after all.

He stared at the edge of the blade for a brief moment. He could see his reflection, pitiful and tear-stained, as he forced himself to smile. For the good of Thomas. He took a deep breath. His words came out firm, clear, but with an uncertain tremor to them, shaking in what could have been fear, despair, or anger.

"I'm not a hero."

He didn't scream as the blade pushed through his skin. He didn't sob, or yell - nothing that dramatic. He just gasped slightly as the pain choked every noise he may have had out of him. He laughed slightly. Blood seeped out from under his red sash, staining the white fabric as he collapsed limply to the side and closed his eyes.

He woke up to a voice. Well, actually, several voices - all in whispers and hushed tones. He wasn't expecting to wake up at all, so it came as a surprise. But the second he opened his eyes, blinking a little to reduce the misted blur that obscured his vision, the voice of who he could only assume was Logan rang out through the room, right from his side. The only thing that dissuaded him from the assumption that it was Logan speaking was the audible worry in his voice.

"Patton." He heard soft, trembling sobs coming from the other side of the room. He also noticed for the first time that he felt almost calm, and nostalgic, and the pillows underneath him were just soft enough that he felt like he could lie there forever. "He's awake."

There was a moment of silence, swiftly proceeded by the familiar warmth of Patton's arms, wrapped around his whole body tighter than he had ever felt it before, like a mother's final hug to her son before watching him leave his childhood home. He didn't say a word. He didn't have to. Logan cleared his throat.

"I appreciate that you're relieved, however, please refrain from doing even more damage to his-"

"Roman, what were you thinking!?" He blinked a few times, just to make sure he was seeing clearly. Why was Deceit so worried? "Oh, yes, what an incredible idea, impaling yourself on your own-"

He winced. Deceit's expression softened.

"Look. I'm... sorry for yelling. But if you think you could have gotten away with that without stressing us all out, well, I don't even know what to say to you."

He opened his mouth to say something, to retort, maybe, or just to apologise, but was stopped in his tracks by Logan.

"Don't speak yet, I'm not sure how much damage you did, and I don't want to aggravate any damaged areas. I'm sure you understand." He nodded, still dumbfounded by the fact that he was alive. Logan cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses. "I feel obligated to let you know that I agree with Janus. What you did was an awful, irrational act, and I'm not going to lecture you on it, because I feel like you already know, but... Roman, when we found you like that-"

"He cried for three minutes straight. Virgil timed it." Patton smiled, over his own hiccups and relieved sobs. Logan coughed.

"Yes, well, it was a shock. For the record, Virgil cried-"

He was cut off by the sound of Roman being slapped straight to the face. He blinked.

"Where did you even-"

"That's for making me worry about you, bastard." Virgil said, looking Roman directly in the eyes so fiercely that Roman could almost believe he was genuinely mad. Patton opened his mouth as if to object, but decided to just let Virgil say his piece. "You don't just do that! Jesus, Roman, you could have died!"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm fairly sure that was the-"

"Shut it, Deceit." He hissed. Deceit shrugged. "I couldn't care less what the point was. You fucked up, princey!"

"Language!"

"Sorry Patt." He smiled sheepishly, before turning back to Roman. "You're lucky the snake got to you when he did."

Roman stared at the odd congregation. He hadn't expected this. He was bad for Thomas, he was a villain, he was so awful to Deceit, they had every reason to let him go, but... Deceit - no - Janus had saved him. God, what was he thinking? He felt his eyes misting up with tears as he watched the rest of the group argue. But argue lovingly, as they always had. He would have missed this.

And as he watched the others leave, on Logan's suggestion, so that Roman could get some well-needed rest, it was Janus who hung back.

"Just so you know? What you did was not selfish. It was self-destructive. Which, arguably, is much, much worse. So don't go blaming me."

He shook his head, smiling weakly. Janus returned the gesture.

"Oh, and just for the record, your brother was here just before you woke up. I told him I wouldn't tell you, but... I daresay he was crying much more than Logan."

He winked, before turning on his heel and walking through the door. Roman smiled to himself once again, leaning his head back on his pillow and closing his eyes.

He would have missed this.

#i come back to this account and the first thing i do is post angst smh #suicide tw #sanders sides #deceit sanders #virgil sanders #sanders side fic #roman sanders #morality sanders #patton sanders #roman angst #angst #sanders sides angst #janus sanders #remus sanders #think that's enough tags idk how to tag things

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mantra4ia · 7 years

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BBC Sherlock fanvids and vidders playlist [last update 2/2/17]

If you vid Sherlock, reblog with links to your work, I’d love to watch.

Some, but not all, of my favorite Sherlock vids and fanvidders in no particular order accept my general category (with a few repeat vidders who are heavy hitters). Some funny, some narrative, some Sherlolly, a bit of Moriarty, basically a whole range:

Sherlock

[added 2/2/17] Sherlock | Today We Have To Be Soldiers by Lessien OfTheShire <---’we walked through the fire’ is perfect accompaniment

[added 2/2/17] ►Not A Sociopath by Sim Mallec

[added 2/2/17] Sherlock: It's A Sin by Brinkstar

[added 2/2/17] sherlock holmes | pain by voidvaleska

[added 2/2/17] Sherlock | Who's Sherlock Holmes? by amortentia X

[added 2/2/17] sherlock tribute | when it's all over by LuinaLuna

[added 2/2/17] sherlock | agony by mcaren corporation

[added 2/2/17] Sherlock || Emotional Context (4x03) by Ambedo

[added 2/2/17] Sherlock S4 • We're burning down by Meraki35

Happy Birthday | Sherlock Holmes by TheGaroStudios <- The many faces of Holmes

BBC Sherlock Nikon Ad // Sherlock Holmes by Nyah86Production

Sherlock Heathens by Zsófia Beke

bbc sherlock; glitter & gold by Sim Mallec

Sherlock ♔ Bury all the evidence by royalvalkyrie

Sherlock BBC | Anyone by Slyfer2812

Sherlock // Anyone but you by Serenity S

Fall now | Sherlock BBC by KatrinDepp

Sherlock Holmes - Fear Is How I Fall by alexcw

Light 'Em Up // Sherlock S3 by Liisakee

pressure point | Sherlock BBC by Pteryx Videos

SHERLOCK | Ghosts by ARTERA Production

Sherlock | Landing by TheGaroStudios <--- quite artful, beautiful sound

Sherlock | End of The Line by TheGaroStudios

Sherlock || Time to be Sherlock Holmes by fromlandoffire

HOLMES | it is what it is by Margarita Life

Sherlock | the fall by ARTERA Production

Blame | Sherlock by autumn hobbit

Sherlock | Game by AlchemyProds

Sherlock Holmes || [TCC] by Fandoms Of The Universe

[vent] afraid | sherlock holmes by ~Nighty♔

Sherlock BBC | Control by TheGaroStudios

Sherlock BBC || Narrow It Down by Grable424

Sherlock BBC | Get through it. by Jennyannem

Sherlock BBC | Volcano Heart by SecretlyToDream

Sherlock Holmes | Hot Mess by ThePankee

Sherlock: "Angel" by Beautifullytragic6

BBC Sherlock - This is your heart (Laura Palmer) by eternalblissBBC

Sherlock • His Last Seconds by Nyah86Production

Mycroft

list | Sherlock & Mycroft by Cutthroat Bitch

Holmes boys | Sherlock BBC by DoctorDoLbozvonchik

Mycroft and Sherlock • I'll always be there for you by sigyn27

Mycroft Holmes | The Melted Ice Man by Delirarium

Moriarty

[added 2/2/17] Jim Moriarty: Down So Low by Brinkstar

BBC Sherlock Nikon Ad // Jim Moriarty by Nyah86Production

Moriarty | Wreak Havoc [+4x03] by xenchantedqueen

james moriarty ❖ seven nation army by tatewolf -edits

Jim Moriarty - "Me Too" by StardustIsEloquent

jim moriarty {left hand free} by graber

Jim Moriarty | A good, old-fashioned villain by sheryloh

Jim Moriarty | Bang Bang by BlackSwan

jim moriarty | feeling good by inhumanemonster

Jim Moriarty - "Everybody Loves Me" by StardustIsEloquent

►Jim Moriarty|| I AM M.R SEX [4x03] by lubany 125

Jim Moriarty ● Talk Dirty by Nastasiya Plato

moriarty ❖ [4x3] by tatewolf -edits (not appropriate for all audiences)

►bbc sherlock; smooth criminal by Sim Mallec

how could he survive? [Sherlock] by Marie S

Jim Moriarty || legends never die by ddsparrow3003

moriarty | "awesome!" (+4x03) by BackwardBlossom

(Reichenbach Remix) Moriarty + Sherlock - ♪ 'SAIL' by Amy Yam

John

Sherlock and John, (Series 4): "This is Family" by Beautifullytragic6

Save Him - Sherlock (+4x02) by ShineBlueLikeaTardis

Sherlock BBC | Becoming Human by SecretlyToDream

Sherlock + John - ♪ 'Flaws' by Amy Yam

John Watson - Trust Me, I'm A Doctor by OnColdWings

my head & my heart | Sherlock BBC by KatrinDepp

BBC Sherlock Nikon Ad // John Watson by Nyah86Production

Mary

BBC Sherlock • THE LIAR // Mary Watson by Nyah86Production <---visually stunning

She's my friend. | Sherlock by autumn hobbit

liar | Sherlock BBC by KatrinDepp

Eurus

[added 2/2/17] ❝interesting.❞ by Sunday bloody sunday

[added 2/2/17] Moriarty and Eurus: Young God by Brinkstar

[added 2/2/17] EURUS (+ MORIARTY) | it's a sin by skye

[added 2/7/17] I Am Undone (Eurus/Moriarty) by ElvieMary <I don’t necessarily like this representation of the pairing, but it is visually stunning

BBC Sherlock • The East Wind (SERIES 4) by Nyah86Production

Sherlock 4x03, Eurus Holmes | Who is in control? by MadaraProduction

eurus || control [4x03] by adalana

sherlock & eurus || tell me brother by GruSha

Sherlolly

[added 2/2/17] Sherlock & Molly | Losing by Mathilde

[added 2/2/17] Sherlock & Molly - Holding a heart [+4x03] by Sahnekirsche100

[added 2/2/17] Sherlock & Molly | I was wrong by AnneSoshi

[added 1/28/17] Sherlock & Molly • The Aftermath by Nyah86Production

Sherlock & Molly | What is love? {Series 4} by ConsultingHolmes

Sherlock + Molly I Human error [4.03] by Soledad

Sherlock & Molly II You`re Still Locked Inside Me (4x03) by Susan Light

I was wrong | sherlock + molly by cursedawesomness

maybe I'm lost, maybe... by cursethestars

Be Still With Me by GuardianFaith1577

Sherlock & Molly II I Love You (4x03) by Susan Light

Sherlolly - Hurts Like Hell by A Happy Middle

Sherlock & Molly: You Can Make Me Whole (Pieces) by Angelina Popova

BBC Sherlock • The Final Solution (extended Version) and BBC Sherlock The Final Solution by Nyah86Production

Sherlock & Molly HUMOR | Adorably Morbid ( Sherlolly) by Jun editor

Queen of the Palace trailer | sherlolly Darcy Evans

and i found love, right in front of me... by cursethestars

sherlock x molly | because it's true (4x03) by sulliesp

i'll crawl home to her. by cursethestars

warning sign | sherlolly by Darcy Evans

Sherlock & Molly || Youth by Felicity Queen

BBC Sherlock • Welcome Back by Nyah86Production <---basically a prelude to the coffin scene, but way back from 2013

Sherlock & Molly | Empty things | Sherlock BBC by Nastya Koval

Sherlock x Molly || The one person that mattered... by brokendreams

BBC Sherlock • The Woman That Counted by Nyah86Production

Sherlock | A Theme for Molly by Culinwen

Sherlock & Molly - I'm Not Calling You A Liar by alexcw

Sherlock/Molly // Mirrors by xRanmaXAkanex

Trailer / promo style video

[added 2/2/17] Baker Street Boys - A Sherlock BBC Tribute {+season 4!} by Karally <---excellent soundbits

[added 2/2/17] A Sherlock Tribute | When We Were Young by voidvaleska

Sherlock Series 4 Teaser #1: "The Devil Inside" by Beautifullytragic6

Sherlock Series 4 • I Walk The Line by ConsultingHolmes

Sherlock S4 || Because you're mine by Serenity S

Sherlock S4 || "This is a wild game of survival." by TheDoctorAtBakerstreet

Sherlock: Series 4 Trailer - Time is running out by Nyah86Production

Sherlock Christmas Special Trailer: "Black Heart" by Beautifullytragic6

Sherlock Series 4 Trailer: "Meet The Doctor" by Beautifullytragic6 <- the best Culverton Smith fan trailer I have seen so far

Sherlock Series 4 Promo • Deal With The Devil by Nyah86Production

BBC Sherlock | The Dating Game Trailer by Eᴍᴘɪʀɪᴄᴀʟʟʏ Nᴏᴛ Gᴏᴏᴅ

►Sherlock | You Have A Girlfriend? [Humor] by nathawk

BBC Sherlock • Black Two Sugars Trailer #2 by Nyah86Production

BBC Sherlock • Black, Two Sugars Trailer #1 Nyah86Production

Sherlock: "The Story of Redbeard" by Beautifullytragic6

►Sherlock Series 4 Promo | "The Other One" cursethestars

Sherlock Series 4 Promo #5: "The Heart" by Beautifullytragic6

Sherlock Series 4 Promo #3, "X Marks The Spot" by Beautifullytragic6

Sherlock Series 4 Promo #2: "My Dear Watson" by Beautifullytragic6

BBC Sherlock • Bad Moon Rising (A Series 4 Trailer) by Nyah86Production

Sherlock Series 4 Promo #1: "Thy Kingdom Come" by Beautifullytragic6

Humor (+Mrs. Hudson and Lestrade)

[added 2/2/17] "No" Mrs Hudson [Sherlock] by KAY

Greg is Also Done - SHERLOCK Crack by Radculas <- Because Greg is my secret favorite...after Mycroft

not your housekeeper! | Mrs Hudson [Sherlock BBC] by Pteryx Videos

Moriarty Jamming Out To Pokemon Theme (Helicopter Entrance) by nopol10

Sherlock - "Call Me, Beep Me" by StardustIsEloquent<---My personal guilty pleasure

►Sherlock | I'm glad you liked my potato [HUMOR] by nathawk

Sherlock | The Abominable (Crack!) by Lsdivoiletgreen

Sherlock & Molly | Sorry, what? (AU) by Mathilde

sherlock | are you tweeting? (+4x02) by BackwardBlossom

Sherlock BBC || 20% COOLER by Madgirlwithabox

Sherlock BBC ● Crack #2 by themetamorphosis (not entirely appropriate for all audiences)

Sherlock | "Are you wikipedia ?" [s4 humor] by Dreamscometrue35

Crossovers

[added 2/2/17] wholock | small & ordinary by LuinaLuna <about love and emotional context, spot on.

[added 2/2/17] WHOLOCK - Sherlock meets The Doctor by John Smith ,<it’s the gold standard that I compare VFX with

Sherlock & Alice | Duel (AU) by Mathilde

alice&moriarty | everybody wants to rule the world by LadyMumblekins

Sherlolly AU // What's In Front of You by HookedOnaFeeling89

BBC Sherlock • HER Trailer Nyah86Production

about time trailer | Sherlock BBC by Cutthroat Bitch

TO BE CONTINUED!

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