#thank you and also apologies anon this is a topic I'm kind of always ready to go on | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

averykedavra · 3 years

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Alright from the top (I accidently sent before I was ready earlier, apparently)

I was worried about you, ya dipshit (affectionate).

I was afraid you were getting in over your head. Your long reply did help soothe my concerns by showing that you do have a commitment to this. I was afraid you were painting a target on your back, especially as a singlet.

My headmates we're less concerned, but I just. Had to ask.

What you're doing? Is great, and there's this hope that what you've done here will spread and make the fandom a more comfortable space, and my headmates? Love that.

But I'm worried about you. Because bringing this conversation to your door isn't without risk to you. And you're brave for doing it.

I never meant to imply this conversation shouldn't be had, in fact my headmates are kinda really happy about it?

But when I asked what the fuck posessed you, I was asking why the fuck would you take this upon yourself.

And your answer was. Good.

I'm still worried because system discourse has a way of biting friendly hands, (like I unintentionally did apparently, oops) and you're a good person. I just didn't want you getting bit over something you got into unknowingly.

But your reply shows you do know.

So yeah. I was. Concerned.

And I wish you luck.

-Missy, the anon who asked what the fuck posessed you

And that's that -Missy

Thank you -Missy

Hi! Thank you so so much for sending this! It took me a bit to figure out some words, but here I am, armed with probably the sappiest words imaginable.

I’ll admit I was a bit stressed after your first anon ask, since it seems there was an accidental tone mishap djhsgfshsj it can happen, and I get it! My apologies for the long rambling answer, since I did automatically assume the worst, just because I’ve heard similar things before about other issues. ‘Why stir up trouble’ and all that, you know the drill.

But--thank you. In context, this was very sweet of you. I appreciate you looking out for me, for sending me this explanation, for being brave enough to do so, and I appreciate your headmates for giving you the go-ahead! (Say hi to them for me, by the way <3) This was a lovely thing to read this evening, and it’s honestly so sweet that you cared enough to send this.

And...yeah. Yeah, I see where you’re coming from. There are topics that often lead to getting negative attention, and DID can definitely be one of them. I’ve seen second-hand nastiness surrounding this, and other, topics. I’ve been lucky enough to never face any of it myself (probably partly because I am in a position of privilege, and therefore less likely to be harassed) but it does still put me in a bit of a risky situation, I guess.

I’d love to say that I didn’t even consider any backlash, but that’s a bit of a lie. I always consider backlash, it’s one of the perks of overthinking things djhgfssghj and yes, it did feel a bit nerve-wracking to post. Still, my main fear was, and remains, that I would accidentally or ignorantly hurt someone. I’ve always tried to focus on helping and supporting people. Backlash feels less terrifying when it’s measured against helping people!

Systems get put through too much shit in this fandom. In general, actually. The stigma around dissociative disorders is absolutely terrible, and really hurts systems, so it’s important for people to talk about it! That’s what I always try to focus on, in any situation. I’ve found that you get a lot farther in life when you’re focused on making the fandom a better place, instead of making yourself feel safer <3

But it is a double-edged sword. I get that. I really appreciate your concern. I’m in a better position than many people, which means I do get less heat for, say, posts about racism than actual POC do. You know how it is. And yet people probably will get upset about it. Maybe I will get a target on my back, like you said (although I have a good amount of faith in my followers right now, so I’m hopeful dhsgfshjs). Either way, like you said, I do know what I’m getting into.

I do try to be a good person. I’m still working on that. Thank you for the compliment, though, and thank you for the support. Kinda ironically, you’re the reason I’m actually doing this. There are such wonderful people in this fandom, and so many of them--systems, POC, black people, trans people--get put through shit that they don’t deserve. I love this fandom. I want other people to have a chance to love it, too.

And...yeah, not to get all sappy on you, but systems as an issue are pretty close to my heart. I’ve got acquaintances and discord friends who are systems. I’ve got mutuals. And one of my best friends is the host of a system, and I care about them a ton. I would never want to contribute to a space where they feel unwelcome, unsafe, or unheard. I would never want to do that to you, Missy, or your headmates. None of you ever deserve that.

Like I said, I love this fandom. And I’ve seen people harassed, attacked, and forced to leave it. That’s not fair. That’s not something I want to be a part of. If I get to stay in this fandom and love it, so does everyone else.

I’m not saying all this to make myself out as a hero, or a victim, I’m just incapable of saying anything in like ten words. And also I’m really sappy right now. And I’m happy that I could help you in any way, shape, or form. You seem very lovely and very kind. People like you are, really, the reason I love this fandom in the first place.

So thank you. Thank you, this message meant a lot. It’s great to hear, and kind of awe-inspiring, that I could actually make somewhat of an impact with this? Your compliments are very sweet, and thank you. But honestly, I don’t think I’d call myself brave. Just a bit of a sap, doing what should probably be the norm.

And your concern is appreciated, too. But I think I can handle this, if I’ve got people like you in my corner.

I wish you and your headmates the best of luck as well, thank you <3

#aaanddd it's another long post #rip here i go again #longpost #sanders sides #asks and answers #anon #tw ableism #fandom problems #this #yeah this may have made me almost cry what of it #i'm just soft okay #and time to update the masterlist!#thanks again <3333

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chuchiotaku · 3 years

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Ok, first of all

HOW DARE YOU MAKING ME THINK I HAD TO WAIT UNTIL JANUARY FOR THE NEW CHAPTER!? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF THE HEART ATTACK I HAD THIS MORNING WHEN I SAW THE UPDATE!?!?

Ok, now that, ehm... I'm calmed down, let me gush on your art piece once again.

I loved everything. I said last time that I wanted some shocking dose of angst, but I didn't knew how heart clenching would have been seeing Ron saying goodbye to... his friends, again, and for the last time. How many things not said, how many plans that will never see the light, how many... apologies, never to be make...

I'm happy that the mirror made him see (and hear) what his loved one truly thought of him, but I'm still bitter for the fact that he had to DIE before he actually got some vocal recognition.

But moving on from depressing topics, I loved seeing the sibling so tight with each other and Harry! I felt almost as if you anticipated Harry's second year summer, and now they get to see Sirius too? Original Harry would be terribly proud of his Ron and terribly jealous of that little Harry...

I really liked Pettigrew's breakdown at the end of the process. And I loved (and hated too, of course) his threats: making 'regret to be born' the same guy that fought and gained the upper hand on Bellatrix? Twice!? Ok buddy, whatever makes you feel better... But if in order to hurt Ron you target one of his brothers or Ginny... well, it has never been a pleasure meet you.

And it's also good seeing Pandora alive! Another Truespartan's Fateverse character added in the rooster, I can't wait to see her in action!

And at least this time Albus is actually ackwnoledging Ron, wonder if he's already planning a role for him in his chessplay againts Tom. I hope he will grow to love him as he'll love Harry.

And I know tastes are subjective but... I think the anon was just short sighted, Ron is totally the person that for his loved ones is ready to move mountains and seas (Buckbeak's trial proved it. How he started searching for past trials in his free time is proof how much is ready to invest himself if it means to help his friend) and I don't expect that everything is going to be all fine and dandy the whole time. Peter's threats scream 'FORESHADOWING' for an ipotetical plot in the third year (way less traumatazing regarding what happened with him in Fate... brrr). Ron is just... trying to sow the best he can, and only at the reaping time we'll see what he did right or wrong.

Keep it going! You are an increadible writer! See you next time, and happy new year!

(And give me some Daphne showtime damn it!!)

First off, anon, happy New Year! 🎉🎉🎉

Ahaha, sorry about the mini-heart attack. I was aiming to post chapters 14 and 15 relatively close together because they’re initially planned to be one chapter but I hit some snags so yeah, chapter 15 got delayed. But at least it’s up now, right? :)

[Warning: Long response ahead. ]

I said last time that I wanted some shocking dose of angst, but I didn't knew how heart clenching would have been seeing Ron saying goodbye to... his friends, again, and for the last time.

That part at the mirror was very relatable, I think. There are things we will always want, but deep down, we know they can never be. In order for Ron to move forward, he had to acknowledge that and let go, something he learned he had to do after that Owlery scene with Harry.

Not that he entirely has, mind you. But it’s a good step forward.

I'm happy that the mirror made him see (and hear) what his loved one truly thought of him

It’s a comforting interpretation, but I feel the need to remind my readers that the Mirror of Erised shows only the deepest desires of its viewer. The scene where the new life versions of Ron’s loved ones take over the older ones, telling Ron that they accept and love him, is Ron’s true deepest desire now that he time travelled. Not that it is what’s real. That’s why Ron broke down, because he knows deep down it’s just a fantasy. Weell, we know that’s not entirely true, but to him it is.

(The Deluminator souvenir from Death and its visions, on the other hand...)

but I'm still bitter for the fact that he had to DIE before he actually got some vocal recognition.

You know what they say: you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. :shrugs: Honestly, Ron is such a taken-for-granted character both in the books and in the fandom, it’s so frustrating...

Anyway, getting off the angst train!

I loved seeing the sibling so tight with each other and Harry! I felt almost as if you anticipated Harry's second year summer, and now they get to see Sirius too?

I wanted to show the tight knit Weasley dynamic JK claims they have but never really showed because we are limited to Harry’s narrative (which is understandable). And as what I have planned for second year summer: safe to say, it will start off like what happened in the books before it veers off canon course. Because Sirius and Remus are there, and Ron knows it. :)

Original Harry would be terribly proud of his Ron and terribly jealous of that little Harry...

But of course! I’d like to think that Ron is one of the, if not THE, characters in his age group that Harry holds such high regard for.

And who’s to say jealous Harry won’t make an appearance? When Ron’s making more friends outside the Gryffindor house, and a certain someone may get close enough to threaten the best friend position? 😉😉😉

Pettigrew doesn’t know who he’s messing with, but Ron too is underestimating the rat a little too much. Good thing that won’t cause him any problems in the future. 😒

But if in order to hurt Ron you target one of his brothers or Ginny... well, it has never been a pleasure meet you.

Now that would make Pettigrew wish he was never born. Haha!

And it's also good seeing Pandora alive! Another Truespartan's Fateverse character added in the rooster, I can't wait to see her in action!

Pandora is Luna’s mother’s canon name, but yes I did get the inspiration from Fate, as well as The Red Knight. But she won’t be around until Book 2. Don’t worry, it will come. I hope. :sweatdrop:

And at least this time Albus is actually ackwnoledging Ron, wonder if he's already planning a role for him in his chessplay againts Tom.

Of course Albus will notice a smart and wise beyond his years eleven year old who became best friends with Harry Potter, managed to take on a troll then get involved in the reveal and arrest of a mass murderer who may have something more in common with him than he originally thought (coughmirroroferisedcough). How Ron will benefit from this attention (if he ever will) or how he’ll deal with this new complication will be part of the story’s fun. And we’re just getting started.

I hope he will grow to love him as he'll love Harry.

I think many can already tell where I’m planning to go with Albus and Ron’s relationship. The specifics, however, are the ones I can leave you guys guessing. It will be good! Hopefully! 🤞

I saw it as Guest being too fixated at what happened in the books that they didn’t take into account that the second I changed something in the fic, the butterfly effect is bound to occur. In fact, Ron’s very presence in a world that isn’t what he left behind is already creating many ripples. I honestly also saw it as them underestimating Ron a bit. He’s a typical boy during most of the books: lazy with his studies because he is unmotivated. Give him purpose and you’ll get to see him really shine, exactly like what you said about the Buckbeak thing.

It’s canon that Ron is smarter than he appears. I mean, can a normal eleven year old remember the exact names of the laws on dragons, even if their brother is a dragon tamer?

(It’s also another good basis on how much Ron admires Charlie that he can remember that much! Sorry, Solstice Muse turned me into a Charlie/Ron bro fluff fangirl after Ickle Ronniekins)

I don't expect that everything is going to be all fine and dandy the whole time. Peter's threats scream 'FORESHADOWING' for an ipotetical plot in the third year (way less traumatazing regarding what happened with him in Fate... brrr).

Fate is a very heavy read, combining some of my favorite Ron-centric tropes while taking their fic to a newer, darker spin. Truespartan has done a wonderful with it so far (I haven’t finished it yet,). But as most of you can already tell, my story will be fart different from theirs.

That doesn’t mean there won’t be some dark moments in TBA. And I’m so thrilled that you got the idea behind Pettigrew’s threats. They ARE foreshadowing what is to come starting Year 3. But what exactly? Care to take a guess?

Ron is just... trying to sow the best he can, and only at the reaping time we'll see what he did right or wrong.

Very true. Although to me, it’s not a matter of whether it’s just “right or wrong”, and more of “can Ron deal with the consequences of the changes he made, and whether those consequences are worth the changes?”

Example: from a strictly moral standpoint, revealing Pettigrew and clearing Sirius’ name is the best good and what Ron should do from that thematic perspective. However, these actions will cause some events to change from what he knew, and even cause entirely new ones (i.e. the plot of Year 3). Is it worth the possibility of rendering Ron’s future knowledge almost useless? Who knows?

Keep it going! You are an increadible writer! See you next time, and happy new year!

Thank you so much for your kind words! You guys are the reason TBA is still running even after all these years and me taking long breaks. I hope to finish TBA Year 1 within 2021 so please be patient with me. I’ll do my best!

(And give me some Daphne showtime damn it!!)

Oh, trust me, I have big plans for Daphne and Astoria. Might get flak for it in the future, but for this, I’ll have to stick with my guns. Oh dear...

💖 Happy New Year to you too, anon! And thanks for the ask. 💖

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thecoleopterawithana · 5 years

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Hello, I'm the last anon you answered to. I'm sorry if I came out as defensive because it wasn't my intention. In fact I've always thought that John was bisexual until I started questioning everything. ( I'm a bisexual guy myself and I'm perfectly happy with the way I am ! ) It's just that I feel like Yoko would just say whatever she wants on John to suit her agenda. John's sexuality had always been an interesting topic and dropping something like that would gaib her publicity this is why I --

I question the authenticity of her claims. She could have lied about it just to attract attention… And I’d be disappointed because John was in fact my idol and he gave me the strength to come out as bi to my family. But there’s so many anecdotes about him being homophobic that it just makes me sad and this is why I hardly doubt that he was a bisexual man…As for the Cynthia quote I heard her say something like “ John was afraid of homosexuality just like everyone ) in a video on Youtube –

I am very conflicted because I’ve watched videos of John ( interviews etc ) and many comments said that he was very skilled at manipulating people and wasn’t as honest as he appeared to be, which is why I doubt. John had always been the rebellious type and I started thinking that he was using the bisexuality topic to shock and make people talk about it which is disappointing. Was he dropping hints that he was bi to piss off people and make publicity ? This is what I believe : (There is also -

Something he said to Alaister Taylor where he said that he was trying to spread the rumor that he was gay or bi just for fun and he told him that he would never shag a man because just the thought of it turned him off… Yet he also told him that he adored Brian so much that he would have done anything with him ( he contradict himself here. ) So yeah I didn’t want to be rude. I apologize. I think I need reassurance. Could you please analyse everything I said if u don’t mind please ? : (

Anon 2

At the very least all these years later isn’t it circumstantially suggested that John had very private gay encounters, and was uncomfortable making them public, yet wanted to hint at them so he could deal with this matter int he future? He was protecting his privacy and his ego, and perhaps wasn’t yet ready to reveal either his encounters or mixed feelings of bisexuality. His encounters have been protected by those with whom he was involved, people thameant a lot to him, no?

Anon 3

hey! by any chance, do you have knowledge of the quotes where john said “sex with girls felt like a performance after the first time” and “i was never sexually attracted to women before yoko”? i am SURE i’ve seen the first one somewhere on tumblr, though the second one is more of a quote of a quote so i’m not sure if it’s real or not dfkdjk thanks, anyway!

Anon 4

Hello! Is it true that John used to be very attracted to the drag scene in St Pauli ( I guess that was the town I read about ) and that basically the drag / gay scene made him feel comfortable and at home? Says a lot about him!

@tbhmarjj

I adore you, thank u for this blog and ur beautiful mind. i doubt johns bisexuality at times tbh considering he went to great lengths for publicity and he wanted to be an LGBT ally, be cool and outspoken and as he himself said it was trendy to be bi. but then again he was obsessed with Paul in so many ways and he was the embodiment of John’s ideal man. beautiful, talented, intellectual. I’ll be patiently awaiting ur posts exploring Paul’s views on johns sexuality.Thank u

Hello again, anon!

I want to begin by thanking you for getting back to me after I answered your ask and for clarifying where you were coming from when you wrote it. It really is quite hard to fully get the tone of a written message, especially one that is so short that you have no context to draw from to get the emotional meaning behind it. It really appeared to me when I read it that the concern was not who was saying it (Yoko) but about what was being said (John was bisexual). I can now see that was not the case and I appreciate that you’ve made that clear.

I also hope you don’t mind, but I’ve taken the opportunity to include in this answer all of the other asks I’ve been receiving regarding John’s sexuality. It’s clearly a topic of great interest in this community. So I’ll be attempting to address all the points raised here. Again, this is nothing definitive; only my personal readings of the situation as I find it at the moment.

Before I do answer, though, I’d just like everyone to take a deep breath and a step back. Let��s try to examine this topic a bit more objectively.

I understand that sex is kind of major in our society. Our notion of identity is tightly bound to our classified sexuality and gender. Sexual relationships (or amorous relationships) are seen as the epitome of human connection and the ideal everyone should be striving for. And people fundamentally want to be loved and not alone, so it makes sense that figuring out who is a potential companion (and if that companion is interested back) is such a big deal.

But despite these layers of meaning and societal pressures, we should keep in mind what sex represents, essentially, from an evolutionary point of view.

For social animals who derive pleasure from sexual stimulation, sexual intercourse is – like all the other kinds of affection – a way to build connections.

If you want to find examples in nature, just look at our ape cousins, the bonobos. The also called pygmy chimpanzee lives in a matriarchal society where sexual behaviour plays an essential role in strengthening social bonds, lowering tension and keeping the peace. Bonobos don’t discriminate between gender or age (except between mothers copulating with their own adult sons, so as to prevent cross-breeding). It’s the true “free love” society; evolution took “make love, not war” and ran with it.

Our own culture seems more similar to that of bonobos’ northern neighbours, the common chimp. Their patriarchy is more conservative regarding sexual intercourse, which is mainly used for reproduction purposes, and their power structure is based around intricate political games, where males form alliances and try to get public support in order to overthrow the ruling party.

I find it endlessly curious to look at these two species, whose physical separation by the Congo river made them diverge so starkly in their social organization, and compare them to the struggle between these same two natures that we find in our own society.

All this to say that, from a simply biological point of view, I have to agree with John and Yoko when they say that everyone must be bisexual. If sexual intercourse as a social behaviour is, inherently, all about establishing bonds and connections, the extent to which those connections are “allowed” to be built depends entirely on the hierarchal structure that same society is trying to preserve. In other words, what is classified as morally right or wrong is more reflective of the rules in place to keep that society working as it is, than it is of what is naturally present as a drive.

If your brain is primed to seek pleasure and sexual intercourse brings you pleasure independently of the partner’s gender, then the partner’s gender should be inconsequential.

But unlike bonobos, humans are kind of touchy about touching. So there are other levels of information influencing behaviour. The processes of socialization – of internalizing the norms and ideologies of society – and enculturation – by which people learn the dynamics of their surrounding culture and acquire values and norms appropriate or necessary in that culture and worldviews – are as determinant as the genetic factors influencing behaviour. In fact, this added education can be so effective in curbing your “primal instincts”, that one might forget they have them in the first place.

Thus, the concepts of gender identity and sexual orientation are a constantly shifting construct based on the various interactions between your genetic makeup and social influences.

I just think that, in order to have this discussion, it’s important to separate the various levels of it and be clear about which we are referring to.

There is the basic evolutionary drive to seek pleasure and form connections.

There is the social education about that same drive and how it is allowed to manifest itself.

And integrating all these different signals and information – various potentials which manifested as attraction – there finally is a behaviour, a choice.

And finally, there’s the external point of view of other members of society looking in and trying to discern other people’s drives and how they relate to their choices (that’s us now). The problem is, we often throw our own drives and choices into the mix, especially with regards to something as personally defining as sexual orientation.

So we have to make very clear in our minds what is the end goal here. Why are we interested in discussing this topic? Are we looking to discern as much of the truth as we can get it, objectively trying to understand these human beings? Or are we trying to confirm our own projections on them? And please, don’t take me wrong. All these are valid reasons to be interested in a subject. Often how it resonates with us, so personally, is vitally important to reaching a greater understanding about ourselves and learning how to communicate that to others.

But in the same way a piece of music can make you have a transformative emotional experience that the artist didn’t necessarily go through, it’s important to remember that our own inner-life might be affecting how we examine others. Better be mindful of what we project, lest we think are finally seeing inside another person when in fact we are only looking at our own reflection. (And honestly, I believe getting to truly know ourselves in this processes can be a hundred times more valuable than knowing the other. By learning to recognize ourselves we can better understand other people and vice-versa.)

So if it is important to you that John is bisexual, my honest opinion is that all the information can be read in a way that confirms it. We’ll hardly ever know for sure, and based on what we do know, that can certainly be the takeaway.

But if we want to objectively examine John’s sexuality, we shouldn’t bring in a confirmation bias. Meaning that we should be emotionally detached from the outcome, as long as it is as close to the truth as we can get. But this is only where I’m coming from, and I’m a bit of a scientist. It’s totally fair if you’re not in it for the same reasons. Though again, working under the assumption that you want to know my stance on it, let’s proceed.

I understand your reservations regarding Yoko as an unreliable narrator. To analyse Yoko’s motivations would be an interesting topic, but one which I will not go in at the moment as I don’t feel sufficiently informed about Yoko as a person to give an extensive examination.

But in my opinion, there is a whole lot of other information available from which to draw from other than Yoko’s statements.

I also get your and @tbhmarjj‘s concerns about John’s declarations during the 70s. But it’s the same question I posed in the previous post: Was the “bisexual chic” fad of the 1970s merely a publicity stunt for those involved? Even if it was, did it make the experimentations undertaken any less true? Were they just faking it for the press or were they finally allowed to try and be open about it?

Because I come from the biological background that places sex as a positive social interaction like any other, meaning that its purpose is to create bonds and the pleasure is our “reward” for doing it, I tend to believe that the behaviours were genuine. The drive there is real. As real as the internal constraints that would act on them as a result of societies shifting expectations and permissions. And this socialization is as determinant in the creation of sexual attraction as anything. So based on our definition of sexual orientation, all those bi rockstars of the 70s could have effectively stopped identifying as bi once the new social norm overrun their own internal drives and the previous less conservative status quo. That didn’t make them less bi when they were.

It’s funny, but in terms of gender and sexuality, nothing is real so everything is.

So yeah, I think that John could have been bisexual the second he felt he was. But because the social tide was likely to shift, it was better to also maintain a measure of deniability: it was just for show, it’s not serious, I was just taking the mickey out of you and you fell for it! Of course John was smart enough to leave space there to retract. He and Paul had mastered the art as communicators through song. They could claim them to mean everything and nothing as it suited them. As Anon 2 says, it’s a protective measure.

So I think that at some point in time, John genuinely identified as bisexual. Now whether he acted on it or not is another questioned entirely. As Anon 2 points out, there are various circumstantial accounts, but these are always tougher to verify.

I tend to believe Yoko when she says:

So did Lennon ever have sex with men?

“No, I don’t think so,” says Ono. “The beginning of the year he was killed, he said to me, ‘I could have done it, but I can’t because I just never found somebody that was that attractive.’ Both John and I were into attractiveness—you know—beauty.”

I ask what she makes of the people outside the building, the crowds still at Strawberry Fields.

Ono misunderstands, or mishears (or is simply focused on the last strand of our conversation), and continues to talk about sex.

“I don’t make anything out of it. When you’re not really interested in that sort of sex, you don’t think about it. Both John and I surprisingly were very passive people. Unless somebody made a thing out of it, if they made a move, I wouldn’t even think about it.”

— in Yoko Ono: I Still Fear John’s Killer by Tim Teeman for the Daily Beast (13 October 2015).

At least I believe he at least never “fully” did it, in the sense of full-blown anal sex. I think there might have been “milder” homosexual interactions, such as handjobs, that could be rationalized as not entirely gay (the thing with Brian in Spain being one of them.)

Regarding the drag scene in Hamburg Anon 4 was asking about, I agree that it also provides information about John. Though I think it’s mainly about his gender identity rather than his sexual orientation (though the two are invariably linked in the construct as well).

Here are some quotes about it:

With his four months’ greater experience, Sheridan was an ideal guide to the Reeperbahn’s more exotic diversions, like the Schwülen laden. Stu Sutcliffe later wrote home in amazement that the transvestites were ‘all harmless and very young’ and it was actually possible to speak to one ‘without shuddering’. Though raised amid the same homophobia as his companions, John seemed totally unshocked by St Pauli’s abundant drag scene; indeed, he often seemed actively to seek it out. ‘There was one particular club he used to like,’ Tony Sheridan remembers, ‘full of these big guys with hairy hands, deep voices—and breasts. But they used to make an effort to talk English. There was something about the place that seemed to make John feel at home.’

— In John Lennon: The Life by Philip Norman (2008).

And according to Horst Fascher (bouncer at the Indra Club and the Kaiserkeller):

It wasn’t just girls that were on offer to young english rockers. Monica’s Bar was Hamburg’s notorious transvestite club. For one or two English musicians, Monica’s was just another part of the Hamburg experience.

HORST FASCHER: One night Monica said, “Come, come and look. One of your boys is in the séparé.” “And who is it?” And she said, “One of the Beatles.” “Let me look”. She said, “Be careful. Look only sneaky-like.” But I did. I grabbed the curtain, pulled it aside and there was sitting John in… in a position with that girl, and you know. He felt really ashamed and I said, “John, don’t worry man. I did that all before.”

— In The Beatles Biggest Secrets. [Transcription is my own and I’m not too certain of it.]

Though there certainly might have been an aspect of sexual interest to it, I think John’s fascination with the drag scene was also the kinship with the queerness he felt inside himself; mainly in regards to him wanting to express his more sensitive side, which is coded as feminine in our society. So I think seeing men indulging in femininity and nonnormative behaviour resonated with him.

Also, I think it’s even more important to understand John’s relationship with sex in general, regardless of the partner.

To that end, the quote mentioned by Anon 3 is of special relevance:

When I was a kid, I wanted to shag every attractive woman I saw. I used to dream that it would be great if you could just click your fingers and they would strip off and be ready for me. I would spend most of my teenager years fantasising about having this kind of power over women. The weird thing is, when the fantasies came true they were not nearly so much fun. One of my most frequent dreams was seducing two girls together, or even a mother and a daughter. That happened in Hamburg a couple of times and the first time it was sensational. The second time it got to feel like I was giving a performance. You know how when you make love to a woman that the moment you come, you get a buzz of relief and just for a moment you don’t need anyone or anything. The more women I had, the more the buzz would turn into a horrible feeling of rejection and revulsion at what I’d been doing. As soon as I’d been with a woman, I wanted to get the hell out.

— John Lennon to Alistair Taylor (Brian Epstein’s assistant), 1965. In his autobiography With the Beatles: A Stunning Insight by The Man who was with the Band Every Step of the Way (2003).

And another important passage is in reference to Janov’s Primal Scream Therapy:

Well, his thing is to feel the pain that’s accumulated inside you ever since your childhood. […] The worst pain is that of not being wanted, of realising your parents do not need you in the way you need them. When I was a child I experienced moments of not wanting to see the ugliness, not wanting to see not being wanted. This lack of love went into my eyes and into my mind. […] Most people channel their pain into God or masturbation or some dream of making it. […] But for me at any rate it was all part of dissolving the Godtrip or father-figure trip. Facing up to reality instead of always looking for some kind of heaven.

— John Lennon, interviewed by Robin Blackburn and Tariq Ali for Red Mole (8-22 March 1971). [I really can’t stop pointing to this quote as one of the most important in order to understand John Lennon.]

As he reiterates in ‘I Found Out’ (1970): Some of you sitting there with yer cock in yer hand / Don’t get you nowhere don’t make you a man

To me, John’s pursuit of sex is, like most things in his life, essentially about filling this black-hole of emotional pain. He internalized the lack of love from his parents, which went into his eyes and mind, until he himself believed he was unlovable. This lack of self-esteem translates into a lot of pain and the need for an external solution for that pain.

The external solution is not wanting to feel so vulnerable any more. This can be achieved either by trying to seize control, by exerting it over others or having them look up to you (e.g. “fantasising about having this kind of power over women”; “some dream of making it”). Or it can be achieved by handing control over and being taken care of (e.g. “people channel their pain into God”, “I’ve seen religion from Jesus to Paul”.)

Sex as an activity can play into these various dynamics: it can be used to feel power over others, as John started out; it can be used as an escapist distraction, like a drug (e.g. “you get a buzz of relief and just for a moment you don’t need anyone or anything”); and it can be used as giving yourself over and being loved, looking to receive that which you can’t get from yourself.

As time passed and the first two solutions stopped working, I think John focused on the third: sex in the context of an emotionally close relationship as the ultimate intimacy and proof that he was loved. And because he wanted to absolve himself of responsibility, to be taken care of, his partner needed to be someone on the other end, someone who had control. In our culture, this reads as a masculine figure (e.g. “father-figure trip”).

This may be from a female, whose masculine qualities were what attracted John in the first place:

In this intense, intimate and revealing original cassette recording of a private conversation in 1969 between John Lennon and Yoko Ono, the couple speaks primarily about Yoko’s past relationships, her music and art, and their random views on sex, love, promiscuity, and homosexuality. […] [Lennon] adds that he had never met an attractive woman that had sexually aroused him to any great degree.

— Description of the 45-minute audiotape auctioned in 2009 by Alexander Autographs.

I used to say to him, ‘I think you’re a closet fag, you know.’ Because after we started to live together, John would say to me, ‘Do you know why I like you? Because you look like a bloke in drag. You’re like a mate.’

— Yoko Ono, interviewed for New York Magazine (25 May 1981).

Or the partner he was looking for could be found in the (often dominant) person he was most emotionally invested in his whole life.

All I want is you / Everything has got to be just like you want it to

And in a society that establishes that the closest two people can be, the greatest intimacy they can share, the ultimate declaration of love is to live in a monogamous amorous relationship, is it any wonder that John felt he could only believe in their relationship if they were together like that? Is it any wonder that he would doubt Paul’s affections because Paul apparently wasn’t willing to express them like that?

JOHN: It’s a plus, it’s not a minus. The plus is that your best friend, also, can hold you without… I mean, I’m not a homosexual, or we could have had a homosexual relationship and maybe that would have satisfied it, with working with other male artists. [faltering] An artist – it’s more – it’s much better to be working with another artist of the same energy, and that’s why there’s always been Beatles or Marx Brothers or men, together. Because it’s alright for them to work together or whatever it is. It’s the same except that we sleep together, you know? I mean, not counting love and all the things on the side, just as a working relationship with her, it has all the benefits of working with another male artist and all the joint inspiration, and then we can hold hands too, right?

SHEVEY: But Yoko is a very independent person. Isn’t it— [inaudible]

JOHN: Sure, and so were the men I worked with. The only difference is she’s female.

SHEVEY: But you didn’t find it difficult to make that transition?

JOHN: Oh yeah. I mean, it took me four years. I’m still not – I’m still only coming through it, you know.

— Interview with Sandra Shevey (June 1972).

I know I keep posting this quote, but I don’t think he can make it more obvious than that: it’s not about the sex. Or rather, the sex is not the primary thing.

He didn’t push all those years because he was uncontrollably horny for Paul. John just wants a physical manifestation, a more tangible “proof”, of his emotional connections. He wants to be able to hold hands, be held and perhaps also have sex with his best friend; he needs those proofs of love through the means of physical affection because he won’t believe Paul’s love for him is there otherwise (or that it’s as great as John’s).

Would society normalizing other kinds of relationships – such as friendships – to be as important or on the same level as amorous (romantic/sexual) ones, have helped John and Paul? Most likely.

Would society normalizing same-sex amorous relationships have helped John and Paul? Perhaps. (For this one we would have to look more closely at Paul’s needs and desires.)

All this to say that John’s idea of sexuality was extremely influenced by society, and in his case, the rule “amorous relationships are the normative ones” outweighed the “heterosexual relationships are the normative ones”.

The conflict occurred when from Paul’s perspective, the priority of the rules was the other way around. I think Paul was ready to ignore society’s norm and live his life with his friendship with John as the most important relationship. But he also wanted a heterosexual one. (But more on that on a post of its own.)

For now, I hope I have more or less managed to express my thoughts on the matter of John’s sexuality.

Thank you so much for reading through all that and for reaching out in the first place! I truly appreciate it!

#John Lennon #paul mccartney #yoko ono #the beatles #asks me why #I'm not a homosexual or we could have had a homosexual relationship #he could be a real soft sweetie #paul is a concept by which we measure our pain #touching is good #and when i touch you i feel happy inside #the person I actually picked as my partner #johnny #macca #alistair taylor #Brian Epstein #Tony Sheridan #Horst Fascher #meta #my stuff

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rpbetter · 3 years

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Hi Vespertine. Can you offer some advice on how to RP a character that a lot of people think I shouldn't be RPing? I've wanted to RP Hans Landa for years, I like how cunning he is and how he could react to other ideals, how he could grow, especially in modern settings where he would stick out a lot. But I'm afraid because of how people react to muses like him. How do I build up confidence? How do I keep RPing if people bother or threaten to report me? Would people even RP with me? Thank you.

Alright, first thing, I've apologized on the blog already, apologized to people before you, but like I keep saying: it's really important to specifically apologize to individuals when we do something lame like I have. I did not intend to leave the blog unattended for months, but I did. This is an important question, it's right up the alley of why I created this blog, and I left you hanging. I'm deeply sorry, and I hope that my serious delay did not cause you any further worries or to give up on your character/RP!

Okay, we can proceed now!

I'll confess, I seriously spaced on who Hans Landa was for a moment there, but quickly remembered upon Googling! He was an interesting character, and I love that movie! However, I definitely see why you're worried, Anon.

Up until the last decade, taking up a character who was villainous, yes, even a Nazi, was a mark of creative gumption. Almost everyone had a verse for their muse that today would get them anon hate, callouts, reported, and so on. You know what? We had far less drama then. So, I'm not at all in the camp of demonizing your choices, or anyone else's. I saw what worked for a more peaceful RPC for decades and I've seen what is a total nightmare on tumblr.

Unfortunately, it is a total nightmare. So, let's see what you might be looking at, what your options are.

Firstly, you have the right idea; this is a character that appeals to you creatively, and that's really all that should matter. You've got ideas, you want to see your muse grow and change through interactions, and that's very much what the whole RPC needs to be a little more interested in.

I think, based on that alone, you would find people who wanted to write with you. There are quite a few muns out there dying for more interesting interactions with muses who have been taken up because the other mun really wants to write and develop them. Especially in the multi-para and novella communities. It's a bit of bane over there, the way the majority of muses are picked purely to satisfy a fleeting interest in a fandom. They don't come across as the characters they are in canon, are never given the opportunity to develop uniquely, they just exist to fulfill the mun's intense interest that will be gone soon. That works wonderfully and happily for some, but there really are a lot of muns out there who are interested in different approaches.

I will also say that most longer multi-para and novella RPers are less supportive of callout culture and content policing. When the very way that you enjoy RP is easily considered problematic on the grounds that you take it too seriously because you're invested in it, you tend to be against labeling others and giving them a hard time. That portion of the RPC, additionally, tends to be made up of older adults. The RPC kind of despises anyone over 25 who is still RPing, and I think a decent part of that is...this. We don't usually go in on equating fiction to reality, thinking that muse=mun, or that "problematic" material needs to be driven into the darkest void for communal safety. A great deal of that is because we lived through multiple fandom experiences being obliterated by these sorts of ideas, we know this is all detrimental to the community, and are more interested in a live and let live mentality even if we are disturbed by someone's muse or writing topics.

You may wish to specifically seek out RPers who are serious veterans (around for 10+ years), multi-para to novella writers, and/or have things in their rules that imply toleration and support for dark topics, villain muses, etc. (I know I have it in my rules that minors shouldn't interact with this blog due both its content and my age, but I can't exactly verify that with an anonymous message! So, Anon, please be aware I am giving this advice as though you are legally an adult.) Seek out muns who have muses that could also be considered "problematic" or who interact with muses who could be.

Remain away from anyone participating in or supportive of callout culture and purity policing. I know that can be difficult and limiting, and it is also not a 100% safe bet that you will be avoiding problems, but at least you'll know right off that these are not your people. That includes the ever-present callouts that claim the poster "never does this," that the mun being called out is just that much of a danger, and/or those dealing in the major callout-laden muns in your corner of the community. You might agree that one or two of those muns is a legitimate problem, but it's too likely that these people are going to feel like you are too.

Know that you will, inevitably, be called worse than just a "villain apologist." I write a muse that I wanted to write for years as well, and refrained from writing for so long because of the fandom's ideas about them. However, I have never been so happy with any muse choice, it's worth it to me to have some random hatefulness sometimes. I know I'm not a horrible person, the people who matter to me on and offline know that I am not, it doesn't actually matter what someone on tumblr thinks. It doesn't matter what they think about you either, they don't know you and won't give you the opportunity to be known, so pfft to them!

It can still be a little disheartening to hear some of the especially hateful things. While my muse isn't like Hans, the comparison to that is often made. There are a lot of assumptions about my personal character, race, gender, political affiliation, and so on. I'm just going to say it: if you don't think you can handle someone randomly attacking you and labeling you as "actually a Nazi," a genocide supporter, school shooter, "white cishet republican," and so on, do not subject yourself to this. Just write with friends you know are on your side or write some fic where there is some distance and control.

I do not believe, after reviewing them again, that you would be violating tumblr's TOS by writing this muse. You would not be promoting racism, harm to others, or misleading information. Nor would you be harassing anyone. Does that mean no one will try to report you? No, unfortunately. I've gotten reported for politely disagreeing on a post and asking a question! The important thing is that nothing will happen.

I would still make it very clear that this character might be offensive to some. Seriously, I would say, "In the interest of sensitivity, please note that this muse might be offensive to some - do not interact if imagery or topics associated with historical Nazis will be triggering for you. Hans Landa is from the film 2009 Quentin Tarantino film Inglourious Basterds." Pop that into the top of a pinned post, your rules, and your blog's header statement.

Because even if tumblr wasn't a mess, it's still the most responsible thing to do to treat this sensitively. It is a sensitive matter! People should have every opportunity to be aware and make the best choice for them to interact or not.

People almost certainly will threaten to report and block. Particularly when you are still looking for writing partners and having to expose yourself to more of the community in order to do so. It'll get so much better when you start finding them, though, I promise! Once you find a good mun or two, you've kind of unlocked a pocket of potential. Those people who are more accepting, reasonable, and interested in writing and characters are naturally going to be interacting with other like-minded muns.

Finding a good base of partners might take you some time, but the good news is, the whole process will help you build up the confidence to keep writing. It helps you get in touch with both writing and the muse, what is really important to you as an RPer, and is what isn't. It feels shitty at the time, but in the end, it builds a lot of confidence in yourself, and when you pull confidence from within you, you're never totally without it again!

When you're looking for those people (I'd additionally suggest historical RPers, if there is any existent community for the movie still, and branching out to fandoms that have "problematic" characters in them that you could do crossovers with in modern settings etc.), you can still be writing and developing your muse. Write up headcanons, fleshout the character's backstory, make multiple verses so that you have many options ready to go, do some one-shots.

A great way to do that is to find memes or traditional writing questions specifically for character development, but don't wait for someone to ask you! Go down the meme/list, pick some questions that spark your interest, and base your HC posts on them. Answer questions you immediately have answers to, answer the really hard ones you have no clue about. You don't know until you develop it, after all!

It helps with confidence so much to feel confident about your writing and comfortable with the character. It'll also help non-judgemental RPers who come across your blog or want to follow you back to see your writing and interest in the muse. I know that there are muses I was not interested in from their canon, but seeing the mun's love for them and how they had uniquely developed them, I had to interact!

When you do receive the almost inevitable anon hate, I'm going to suggest something a bit radical here; the idea of not feeding the trolls doesn't always work. That's predicated upon people not already receiving a reward for sending that hate to you. You can't starve what has already eaten lunch! I've found that demonstrating that they're not getting to you is more effective, in all, incredibly controversial honesty.

Put in your rules that anon hate will be addressed only with something like...a gif of a rabbit, a random fact, or a link to a song you recommend. Then, you do exactly that. You get a message calling you derogatory things, but instead of deleting it or going off about it in a way they can just use, you respond with a picture of a bunny cleaning its ears. Block the anon after.

This, again, in all honesty, is a confidence booster. Sometimes, building confidence is about projecting it first. You are projecting an aura of non-hostile confidence that you're not any of those negative things in reality, nor is your life ruined by people who haven't anything better to do with their own lives than bother you as performative "activism" online. It's alright if it really does bother you at first! Eventually, it won't. Eventually, you'll be left in peace with the reasonable muns you've found.

You will find them! There are still muns out there who feel like the most important factors in RP are engaging muses and writing, and how the mun is truly conducting themselves. If that mun is a genuinely decent person who isn't starting problems, harassing people, forcing anything on anyone, that's what matters! Just put your muse out there in a thoughtful way around people who are interested in writing. Be respectful of the sensitive nature of the subject, tag liberally and correctly.

No matter what tumblr's RPC says, you do have the right to write any muse or topic you so desire. People also have the right to not interact, of course, but since you're concerned about it (and truly, the person who is most likely to be made uncomfortable on here), I highly doubt you'll be trying to force interactions or anything.

Unfortunately, when you write any, even vaguely, problematic muse here, you are held to higher standards. You are obliged to be ten times nicer in the face of hatefulness, to be more aware of tagging and other warnings, and so on. It's kind of a practice in acceptance, and it can be frustrating. Again, if the muse is worth it to you, it'll be fine. Just know that you'll need to not be reactive to nastiness, very responsible in how you present yourself in all ways, and that it still won't be enough for some people. And know that's alright as well! They're making a choice to be hostile without knowing you or employing the adult maturity to just not interact with you, not you.

I know it's very easy to say "don't let people get to you." Perhaps especially from someone who will openly say in the tumblr RPC in 2021 that it's 100% fine to write a Nazi muse lol but please know that my confidence was not naturally occurring. It was developed across years of nonsense, and much of it offline, in person. So, I'm not flippantly advising you to have a level of fortitude out of nowhere! I'm honestly telling you that it is a process, but I think that if you want something bad enough to stick to it through the hardest part of it, you kind of expedite that process. It makes it a bit easier if you're still enjoying yourself!

So, on that note, my additional advice is to have another muse or other hobby you can enjoy during the difficult patches, or even slow times before you establish a good group of writing partners. Do things that will keep you feeling positive and motivated to write. That looks different for everyone, but I'm certain you have something. If that does happen to be another muse, or muses, I would strongly suggest you keep it to yourself that you are the mun of this one until you get rolling. While you have exactly nothing to be ashamed of, don't tempt ruining your fun on the other blog(s) until you are established on the new one and confident about it.

If you ever need to vent or further advice, I'm not going to vanish or anything again! Drop by any time you need to, Anon. Sometimes it goes a long way knowing that even a single person out there supports you!

I hope this helped a little, and I do support you! I think you've got this!

#vespertine #answered #anonymous #rp advice #tumblr rpc #nazi mention cw #villain muses

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eibhlincatha · 7 years

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Hi! So I want to start honoring the Morrigan, especially Anand. I'm familiar with the myths, I've read people's experiences with her and I've read Morgan Daimler's book. A lot of people say that if you ask something of the Morrigan or want her to help you, you have to be willing to pay a price. I don't know if that's just general offerings or if the Morrigan is going to ask something else of me. And if she does, I don't know how I'm going to know what that is, since I don't have much in (1)

the way of a “godphone” or what to do if she asks something I can’t give. I also don’t know if she’d even want me honoring her, I’m anxious that I’m not, idk, worthy enough to ask for her attention. Can you offer any advice? Thank you for your time (2)

Hello Anon! I’m really glad you asked this question. I must apologize in advance, because this response ended up longer than intended–but I think it is a topic that deserves thorough exploration.

Personally I think “price” is the wrong word. While I’ve had experience (especially early on) where we had a sort of “this for that” interaction, I felt it was much more a matter of honoring or acknowledging them. Reinforcing my interest and my commitment. Initially I anticipated that the acts would be either ritualistic or complex or somehow inconveniencing, but there were a few days while I was struggling with depression, when it was literally a message of “take your medication.” As we continued, I realized it was less about what the act of devotion was, and more about the intent.

They tend to be very engaging and active in the lives of their devotees, at least from what I’ve seen, so I think it’s understandable that they expect gestures that demonstrate that you are serious about your interest.

When you are working with the Morrigan more closely, I will also say that sometimes sacrifice comes with the territory, but it is usually a matter of giving up bad habits and cutting poisonous things out of your life. This could be seen as a “price” in that it sometimes means making difficult choices that bring pain and heartache in the immediate. But I’ve never encountered a situation where what they asked of me was selfish or greedy. It’s always been focused on a call to better myself, to prove my commitment to following a difficult path, and strengthen my own sense of confidence.

I think it’s useful to think of the Morrigan in the context of a general of an army, or a ruler–they are, after all, the “great queens”. Within their lore and in the greater community of modern devotees, they are universally accepted to be intimately linked with personal sovereignty, and honor in warfare. With this in mind, you can see the difference between a deity (or a person) who demands homage in the form of a gift or price or sacrifice that may put you at risk somehow either physically, financially, or emotionally, and a strong leader who expects you to work hard, show your dedication, and be willing to make personal sacrifices in order to become a stronger, better you.

In terms of literal, financial price–the only time I remember encountering this was very early on, when the things I was expected to purchase were a few books about them. While money is often an issue for me, I think this was a reasonable price to pay, and definitely an investment for deepening my understanding of them.

I’d also like to address the idea of the Godphone. I am fortunate in that my own personal gifts run in the form of divination and communication with my gods. I’ve had this kind of spiritual link for as long as I can remember, and it’s often been easy to differentiate between what’s me, and what’s them. When it wasn’t clear, or I was dealing with skepticism, my request for a “sign” was usually met with something fairly obvious–a crow, someone spontaneously starting up a conversation about the Morrigan, or other uncanny things that were hard to ignore. However, this is not always the case. There have been very long periods of time where that link was severed, and I was unable to access that open line of communication. I worry less about this now than I used to, as I’ve found that the Morrigan commonly will enter into a period of intense conversation, but then back away and let you put your new knowledge and tools to work.

For someone who doesn’t feel like they have a Godphone, I think it is definitely possible to develop one over time. The most important thing to realize is that communication with gods takes many forms. One person may have dreams, another may literally hear the voices of their gods in their mind, and still another person may find omens in their mundane life, such as birds, or symbols that continue to reappear, or even songs on the radio. There are many ways of communicating with our gods; this is supported by both Celtic lore and traditional practices throughout the world, across many different cultures.

For the time being, if you are feeling drawn to honor the Morrigan, your first goal should be studying. Absorb all the information you can. Talk to devotees in the community, read blogs, watch videos, learn the different interpretations of the myths. When you are ready, think about how you would like to honor them. You could do a traditional offering (apples, alcohol, or milk are good options), start a tumblr devoted to them, recite poetry, or even just take time every day to talk to them. Even if you don’t hear an answer right away, they will listen.

If you are truly ready and committed to starting a devotional practice, you might not receive any sort of obvious, earth-shattering sign, but you will begin to see change in your life. New challenges, new opportunities, strange coincidences, and–very often–old wounds resurfacing so that you can begin to work through them. For me the period of change was very rapid and a little disorienting, but I was able to tackle some very deep issues and for the first time actually make progress in unraveling the impact they’d had on my life.

Long story short, there is no “price” that comes with working with the Morrigan, but there are expectations. Sometimes this means giving up things that are no longer serving you well, breaking old habits, or taking chances you wouldn’t normally consider. How you choose to do your day to day devotions is totally up to you–if you have limited means, offering a prayer or pouring libations into a bowl is perfect. There’s no need for grand gestures or buying ritual items that cost a lot of money. Above all, when entering into a relationship with them, they will demand that you live your life honorably, demonstrate your ongoing respect for their guidance, and take care of yourself.

I hope this helps alleviate some of your worries. If you have more questions, feel free to reach out to me or any of the other devotees here on tumblr; we’re happy to help offer suggestions and share our own stories.

#caw squad #the morrigan #celtic polytheism #irish polytheism #gaelic polytheism #badb #macha #anu #anand #morrigan #mywriting

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