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noyaetnox · 1 year

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DIASOMNIA HEADCANONS:

The reader is in the 1st year unless stated otherwise🕴️

The series: DIASOMNIA / HEARTSLABYUL / OCTAVINELLE / POMEFIORE / SAVANACLAW

- if he were to ever play a game where he gets to customize his character, he's either going to make them as emo and dark as possible or a character from like Equestria girls, no in between

-> if he can't change it later, he'll definitely regret his choice

- bro definitely is that type of friend that would want his children to marry to the children of someone he knows. If he has a kid with you, he'd want them to marry like Vil's kid; or if he didn't have it with you, he'd want his child to marry yours

- loves private dates. That's it. Like, invite him to your place to eat, cook yourself and bro will marry you on the spot, or like a really quiet picnic or sum

- if they had Spotify in TW and you'd make him a playlist, he will cry. You'd be like: "Hey, Tsunotaro, I made you a playlist of songs I like which I think you'd like, too. Tell me what you think!" and bro will make you a 100 in return titled like: "waking up", "going to bed", "eating", "can't sleep" and shit. Bro is head over heels

- also also! I think he'd love k-pop if you ever introduced it to him. So many colors, such great music, the outfits. He'd attempt to learn a choreography and give up eventually. I feel like he'd like Twice, or BTS.

- you can't trust him to tell you shit, like bro loves you so much he will never tell you the truth. Like if you cook something and it tastes like literal trash, he'd say that it's so good, or you would wear the most ugliest clothes and bro will have heart eyes, please go to Sebek if you want an honest opinion

- will be very quick to mirror your antics, like he watches you so much he just starts doing things the way you do. It's the cutest thing

- would have a habit of carrying candy around for you. Like everytime you're stressed he will just toss you something sweet

- he's def awkward. If you cry in front of him, he won't know what to do. Will probably go get Lilia to comfort you and then gets lessons from him on how to comfort his child of man

- that said, no PDA with Mal. He might feel bold enough to hold hands from time to time, but every single display of affection is for you two only

- strongly believes humans need a hug a day to survive and will come to your door at 11:59 just to make sure you've had your daily dose

- please introduce board games to him. He will be the happiest alive

- very slight nsfw, but Lilia is def a thigh guy and you can't tell me otherwise. Bro would be sitting next to you and put his hand on your thigh, I don't accept any other opinions. I'd say more but let's leave that for the nsfw version

- will always give you gifts. No matter what it is, little trinkets, big gifts, a surprise kiss. His love language is def gift giving

- he loves your expression when he surprises you, man's in love. Please give him a kiss in return

- will cook for you and you'll just give it to Grim, and not even that little mf wants it. Like I'm sorry but he does not belong in a kitchen, and that's alright. He will absolutely not wash the rice and it will be crunchy, yet somehow overcooked and in a big blob. Man is a threat, his food could be made into bio weapons, if it already isn't.

- tell him everything softly, he may not seem like it but words hit him hard, unless you're returning his jokes, of course

- will watch over you, but will often let you deal with the situation by yourself first and only step in if he feels like it's needed

- you will become Silver's other parent, and Silver hates it (he's secretly over the moon), but Lilia couldn't be happier. He's always felt like Silver needed another human, because his knowledge was limited, so he also loves that, but your caring nature, and the way you take care of everyone without asking for anything in return has him soft, hands sweating, knees weak, insides warm

- hold his hand for the love of GOD. He likes holding hands, but will be into PDA for sure. I may also be so bold as to say that he enjoys it a little too much. Especially in front of your friends, like Ace and Deuce are HORRIFIED when they see the two of you, Ace will deal with it but Deuce will cry about it to his mom, Lilia is living life in moments like those

- will invite you to his club performances, says he sings to you often, but you've never heard him in private (bro accidentally gives you a sleeping curse and doesn't want to admit to it)

- will be asking about marriage after a week of dating. He's basically thought about it all before you started officially dating, and he has already decided that you're the one for him. He will not date just for fun, he might flirt, but he knows relationships are serious and therefore he will not dare cause anyone pain just because he wants to have a little fun

- will play games with you. Idk how you are with games, but he will not let you win (sometimes when he's in a mood, he might but I don't think he will)

- platonic: bro will adopt you and doesn't care. "Silver needs someone to play with," Silver the high schooler 🤨? In college🤨? But sure, you're basically living the best possible life. Lilia AND Silver + Malleus cuz he's going to immediately like you and Sebek because you're Lilia's child. Someone would accidentally walk into you and they're dead meat. Pray for them *cough* Ace *cough*

- is def sometimes confused about reality and dreams. He will need your reassurance in some things so please be patient with him

- really enjoys baking for others. He doesn't like cooking as much (but anything is better than Lilia in the kitchen so he will bite through for the sake of staying alive), but will make some amazing things

- soft puppy love and idc!

-> bro will hold your hand, light kisses, and just being soft in general. Because he was trained to be rough, you know, a soldier.

- puts your safety on the no.1 position in his life (I HC that he will follow orders even if they were to kill you) [he might hide you from everyone, though. He's in love, his heart will not be able to live knowing he hurt you :(] I also believe he just refuses to get angry at you (and you're happy he does because I just know he's gonna be scary af)

- quiet evenings where he naps and you read a book, the two of you sharing a single cup of coffee/tea/hot cocoa you name it, something else every time

- will have self-defense classes with you just in case he's not there when you need it

- loves bringing you small gifts, like flowers he picked up on the way to meet you, or little rocks (if you don't like rocks you like them now), stuff he made or baked himself

- lets you play with or braid his hair for sure

- he has a really healthy relationship with himself, so he let's you do anything to him

- will tell Sebek to stfu and stop yelling at you

- dates with him are very calm but he's always sad because you guys can't do activities like other pairs in case he falls asleep, so you have limited options and he hates that - please tell him that he's the most amazing person and it's enough that you get to spend time with him :(

- will joke around further into the relationship, like he doesn't look like it but he will tease the life out of you

- sleepovers that Lilia was a little too excited about. You're taking the whole of Diasomnia out for the weekend while Silver and I have a sleepover🤨?

-> Silver is embarrassed the whole time because of his father. The old man is crazy and will scare you away 😰

-> is surprised when you say that you don't mind

- will ask for your opinion on everything!

- platonic: you're basically his younger sibling now. Will follow you around for protection when he can. You're literally part of their family now, what do you mean you're not going to join them in visiting Briar Valley for the holidays🤨? Will bring you and buy you food, will secretly help you in any way he can (whether it's studies, or anything, really)

- "How DARE you befriend MALLEUS-SAMA?!"

- is secretly jealous he wasn't the first of Diasomnia to be your friend

- refuses to admit his feelings yet tells all of them to Silver. Like they're in their beds, Silver is basically asleep (REM) and Sebek just bring you up, like: "The prefect accidentally held my hand today and I couldn't stop feeling warm since, so I'm pretty sure they put a curse on me, and I will burn to death! Help me Silver!"

"Go to sleep, Sebek, you're fine,"

"I tell you Silver! They want me dead! If anything happens to me, it's the prefect's fault!"

-> he slept perfectly fine🤨 (if we ignore the dreams in which you kept holding his hand for real and not just accidentally)

- I HC that he gets very cold easily (bro is probably cold-blooded), so you two keep snuggling to one another at all times - he warms himself up in winter and cools you down in summer

- he definitely has crazy hair that he has to gel every. single. day.

-> you can't brush your fingers through his hair because it's hard. One big mass of gel and hair. He doesn't like that, so he sometimes doesn't put gel in just so you can run your fingers through and he can feel amazing once more

"No kissing before the holding hands stage!" But we've been literally holding hands for weeks 🤨

- yells at you. You got a little used to it by now but you still sometimes need some time alone to just rest your ears 🥲

- brought you home quite early into the relationship because he plans on marrying you, of course 🤨

-> his parents absolutely adore you and he's all 🥰 the whole time

- he can't communicate well, at all, but you can tell he's trying. ESP. after you started dating, his angry yells about being close to WAKASAMA😰 turned to angry yells about BEING SAFE AND WELL

- goofy guy

- will help you with studies

- is still very jealous of WAKASAMA, because why do you still hang out when you've got him? What do you mean he spends all his time at Malleus' side and that's unfair? It's his job to-

- we get it 😒

- I HC he yells because he'd rather have people not like him than be close to someone he will eventually loose

-> when you sleep together, he will cry while hugging you about how we won't be able to live with himself if anything happened to you

- he's so sweet in the most subtle of ways

- first kiss will be the most awkward thing ever but then he just kisses you all the time because he likes it so much

-platonic: hates you a lot at first because you're friends with WAKASAMA, bit you grow on him in the end. Feeds you for sure, but like rudely. I don't know how to explain, but he'll be like: "Here you don't have enough veggies on your plate😒 I haven't seen you eat breakfast, have my sandwich😒 You're going to Diasomnia to dine with us😒" cute mf

- I used to dislike Sebek so much when I started playing the game but now he's my bby 🕴️

The rest of the dorms will come out when I write them 😔 I've got a lot of school work but I write to de-stress so hopefully I will be stressed enough to write it soon

I would also like to do a NSFW version but we will see

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askthemist · 3 years

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Strange Local Competitions Around the Ninja World

Kirigakure: There's several noticeable competitions; Boat Camping, Walk-a-Bout, and a series of strength and endurance competitions.

-Boat Camping: A team based event where a team of 5 stay on a fishing boat and survive out in the roughest cove area in the north east coast of Kirigakure where there's a ton of waterborne dangers. The key is tolerating your teammates, it's not even surviving the competition. It lasts for 1 week, no assistance from other boats or local fisherman, the first boat to catch the UGLIEST fish of the season and keep it alive for the remainder of the competition automatically wins. There's no prize outside of eating this ugly fish. This competition exists just for spite and to bigball the other villages who come over the pond to attend this challenge. No villages outside the circle of water nation villages had won. It's either been Kirigakure, the Land of Waves and the Snow Village surprisingly enough.

-Walk-a-Bout: Like boat camping, it's a survival challenge. It takes place in the tall, plateau like mountains and live on those mountains for 2 months, cheating will result in a permanent ban from attending or competing in the challenge for life. Ironically, the only winner of this was a Stone Villager and people till this day believe he cheated somehow. So legend has it, this stone villager competed against a local hermit who had lived his entire life out in the very same mountains this competition takes place. The Stone villager still won, the hermit disappeared throughout the entire competition until last day to not remember a single thing. This day in the event's history hasn't been solved....so....the only rule is that No Stone Villagers allowed.

Stone Tossing: (similar to the highland games) The competition is completely strength-based and revolves entirely around the notion that you're able to throw large stones for long distances. Unsurprisingly Stone villagers aren't allowed in this competition either for the same exact reason as they were banned in the walk-a-bout competition. This competition however is popular with a myriad of different villages outside of Kirigakure. The winners have been ninja from Konoha, the Kumogakure and Kirigakure.

-Sword Contest: A weapons contest that incorporates ingenuity, construction of the weapon and the use of the weapon. The winners of this competition as of late has been clans mostly associated with the seven swordsmen and Zabuza. He has literally won this competition more than most for the same reason as to why a man with no kekkeigenkai would enter into such a competition itself, to prove a point. he has been disqualified several times but not for the reasons most people would assume, he got disqualified mostly for losing his temper.

Konoha:

Konoha's local competitions are mostly revolved around pageantry, cultural demonstration and local traditions. There's local cooking competitions for various dishes, there's ninjutsu demonstrations, and A whole selection of different breeding competitions ideally preformed by local farmers.

-Cooking competitions: cooking competitions in Konoha are probably the most common competitions due to a very rich culinary culture. one of the most legendary competitions is the ramen contest, The contest that is entirely focused on ramen and everything that goes along with it; presentation, preparation, taste, and also local support. The rules are relatively universal when it comes to cooking competitions making them probably the most flexible types of competitions to enter, however the ramen contest is different due to the varying types of ramen throughout the country. The national winner for the past few years until recently has been a large ramen company located several miles away from Konoha called "Hachito's Instant Ramen"... Until one very interesting ramen cook attended the ramen contest for the first time, Itchiraku. Ichiraku being only famous locally in Konoha, until after the great with Pain, The entire fire Nation started to get word that the village hero pretty much grew up on his ramen, so he was personally invited to the national ramen competition and won several times since.

-breeding and husbandry competitions: Konoha is very well known for many of its farmland, so naturally there's a huge animal husbandry community who have decided to create a series of different competitions all specific to different animals.

-Ninjutsu pageant: this is more kin to a dance competition but entirely revolved around the pageantry of ninjutsu, The more extravagant and the more elaborate the jutsu is aesthetically, the higher chances of winning. So far the most common winners of this competition are lightning villagers and Leaf villagers who specialize in different natures. The rules of the competition is that the jutsu has to be visually appealing, unique but can demonstrate practicality in battle. The one rule that no one should break in this competition is jutsu theft. If the judge is find out that your jutsu isn't actually yours and is a modified version of someone else's jutsu, then you immediately get disqualified. This competition also focuses on the constructive nature of creating a jutsu.

Kumogakure:

Kumogakure Is home to a variety of music, endurance and relay race competitions. Most of them actually excluding the use of all three shinobi aspects: genjutsu, taijutsu and ninjutsu. The main purpose of this is to use pure human talent. Many competitors from the lightning Village have a national reputation for joining competitions in the Stone Village and the Mist Village and are considered to be perfect for team drafts for bigger Ninja competitions.

-Music competitions: music competitions are artistic in nature and require no ninja skills to use, but it's considered a very popular competition due to its flexibility in the rules. The music has to be unique, has to have a particular composition and also must have an effect on the person. If the music is supposed to be sad, then it's supposed to invoke sadness and it should be the first thought in the judges when they first hear the music, if the song physically does something you such as elevate your heart rate or makes you feel a certain emotion, then it's considered the highest points you can get in the competition. The only rules that you're not allowed to use this competition as an excuse to give physical displeasure to people. Meaning no music that can cause physical pain or physical discomfort to the extent of torture.

-Endurance competitions: similar in nature to endurance competitions in the mist Village, these strictly rely on human endurance and any use of chakra will result in an immediate disqualification. The competition lasts for a month but within that month you must demonstrate all aspects of human survival in nature; forging, hunting, shelter building, and using your resources reliably. The only kind of winners that would win this competition outside of the lightning Village are villagers from the hidden mist due to their sheer inhuman levels of spite. Ms villagers don't have a scientific explanation as to why they decide to endure this but an ongoing theory is that they just do this to spy on other villages to see how their terrain is. No one has actually thought of this and probably are not going to ruin everyone's fun just because they're suspicious of a bunch of angry mist villagers.

-The thunder mountain Grand prix: The thunder mountain Grand Prix is a legendary really race that relies on a team of six individuals, six landmark areas throughout the lightning Village entirely and the race has to be completed within a certain amount of time. this is the only competition that allows people to use ninjutsu as long as it doesn't results in an extreme advantage. for example you can use a ninjutsu to help yourself out in a situation if it's life or death or use it to heal yourself, but you cannot use this jutsu to gain extra speed or to alter the terrain itself. Altering the terrain will result not only in an immediate disqualification but a permanent banned from the country due to ecological preservation.

-lightning shows: lightning shows are the most elaborate of pageants due to the nature of using lightning as a part of your act. In this competition you can actually do something that has to incorporate lightning in it, rather being a dance, a stunt, another modes of pageantry such as something with fashion or ingenuity. The only means of disqualification in this case is using other means of electricity, the lightning has to naturally occur through chakra, any other assistive electronics such as batteries, magnets or even lightning rods will result in an immediate disqualification.

#other villages included #konoha #kirigakure #kiri culture #kirigakure headcannons

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questionthebox · 4 years

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poets diary

this will be my last post. as I'm going on a sabbatical for a month. gonna go write, and do things with my camera.

1. its being said, just google it, or watch progressive media on YouTube, that a new batch so to speak of people have been thrown into poverty this week or so, which I'll say this, the millions of people who lost their wealth last time in 2008, those people never regained it, and their children spent the 2010′s largely unemployed, it dawned on me, that this is part of a larger project, it makes no coherent sense, because the ruling class now, has generations of people unemployed, from Gen Xers like my parents, to my generation, to my little sisters who are part of Gen Z, my little sister Vanessa turns 18 on December 20th, and Veronica, is working right now, she’s 20, born in the year 2000, she’s working for Walmart, they legitimately have no way to make any sort of bread, Vanessa, is trying to parlay her tremendous beauty, she also knows how to hook up women’s makeup and hair, so she’s become like a freelance hairstylist and makeup artist, just to have money, but otherwise, there’s really nothing out there opportunity wise, and these people being thrown into poverty, will stay there this whole decade, and as someone who when I turned 18 in 2010, didn’t know what the fuck to do, I can only imagine how tough it will be, as its been extremely tough,

2. a young man from altamed came to my door, to talk about the props on the ballot, and there are numerous important progressive props, most importantly in my opinion PROP 15 here in California, which will bring a progressive tax here, California, is a Neo liberal hells cape, Democrats control everything here, and we have inequality on par with the 3rd world, these bullshit ass democrats are controlled by the real estate industry, and it makes attaining housing beyond difficult, I've personally become desperate for my own apartment, I want to live in my own spot, ive applied for section 8 in San Diego, but that was a few years ago, I haven’t heard from them in maybe two years when I got a letter in the mail sayin I'm on their list, otherwise section 8, is a deadzone, the only open lists are in the Central Valley, or I believe San Bernardino way out in the middle of nowhere basically,

3. we need housing period across the nation, we need a whole list of shit, but if you study the economy, and everything, there’s no path in my opinion for what people talk about which is a social democratic platform, I just don’t see it, capitalism has changed in these 40 something years, as Chris hedges always points out we went from an Empire of Production to an Empire of financialization, what I find most discouraging is, that Joe Biden is already saying he’s going to have republicans in his cabinet, republicans who literally voted with trump 90 percent of the time, republicans who were union busters, this is FUCKING INSANITY, we literally have two right wing parties, there is no space for an alternative, its time, for some sort of direct action, where we take over towns and cities, if we can take over police stations, we can take over city halls, and shit,

4. in terms of making money, for myself, criminality, is very very alluring, you don’t know how amazing it feels to have money, a nice amount of it, it allows you to deal with your real problems, as the material problems are taken care of, there’s a general misery all around, and I refuse to be a victim, and its easy to become a victim, victimhood, is what the majority of humanity endure, and its psychologically like becoming a eunuch, ive observed young men in this, and its like they become very much like a Eunuch, they lose their balls so to speak, and I never wanted myself to end up in that,

5. in this misery, I think I have to temper my expectations, and wage my battles during the right time, I have to rely on friends, and unlock different escape routes, by meeting and interacting with new people, time is of the essence, which feels odd, but it is, time is important, I have to identify what I want, all I want is a good life, my own place, and the opportunity to do what I love, its almost like once I get to a certain level, this new level provides something new to overcome, the goal is to get my own apartment at all costs.

6. The Right Wing has to be smashed everywhere, I look at the right wing project, and its obviously putting the final bow on its global agenda, over the past 40 years, they’ve built up a huge reactionary base and network, which encompasses media, the courts, churches, political parties, the military, and so on, their project is quite obvious, one in which we become Slaves once again, and some sort of Monarchy exists, based upon right wing christianity,

7. the rise of young men who are motivated by resentment, and are expressing themselves as chauvinist violent incubators, its something I, which I now see I'm kinda like Wolverine, and Kratos, haha like that’s me, because ive suffered alongside these young men, and I know the indignities they’ve faced, I know their humiliations, what they’re really angry about, is that they throughout these past 10 years, haven’t had any women in their lives whatsoever, and that fuels their violence, I feel sorry for them, but I want to say this, many of them, probably damn near all of them can’t be reached, and I'll tell you why, poverty creates an insular environment, where only the ugliest dumbest things funnels in, and it appeals to their lack of “Strength” by having a veneer of it, many of those young men, are abused, they were physically abused, sexually abused, and dropped out of school, they’ve had to endure much, and their outlets up until now, have been pornography and video games, its sad and just writing all that it breaks my fucking heart, I wish I could help, maybe I should form a left wing version of proud boys, ha,

#poets on tumblr #society #writers on tumblr #my thoughts #leftist #socialist

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theliterateape · 6 years

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American Shithole #29 | End of Act II (The Empire Struck Back)

By Eric Wilson

As many Literate Ape readers understand, the end of Act II typically involves the dropping of the curtain on our heroes in the worst of states. Usually, there’s a terrible reveal or turn of events. It’s the point in the story when all seems lost.

My earliest understanding of how the second act of a three act drama works, The Empire Strikes Back, hit theaters just as I was finishing 7th grade. If you are not familiar, at the end of the second film in the Star Wars trilogy our hero, Luke Skywalker, confronts the villain, Darth Vader, only to lose handily (ha!) whilst finding out that the antagonist is also his dad. I wasn’t used to my heroes getting their asses kicked (or their hands chopped off), but that was my introduction to the nadir of the Hero’s Journey.

Now — I offer this Star Wars descriptive, not because I think there are people out there who have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about, I do so because I actually live with someone that has never seen, in full, the original A New Hope or The Empire Strikes Back, so I know there are people out there who have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about.

Which, I’m sorry, but that’s just fucking weird. That’s weird. You’re weird, and you all know who you are.

Seriously, Star Wars is a few hours of your day, and a lifetime of nerd references at your disposal. How many times have you stood clueless in a terribly boring conversation about lightsabers with dorks like me? (And how many times have you watched Clueless?)

Also, I think we just got our hand chopped off, America.

In this tepid analogy, Skywalker — in particular, his lightsaber-wielding right hand — is the physical manifestation of the Arm of Justice. Republicans have done away with that arm via the Kavanaugh confirmation (and the Merrick Garland block); and they did it out in the open, with no fear of reprisal, in one of the ugliest displays of partisan politics I have ever witnessed.

The United States Senate. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

It bummed me out so much I spent the weekend trying to hide in the decade I grew up.

I watched Robocop on Saturday night — another classic from the ’80s. Peter Weller loses his hand at the beginning of the film, which fails to serve my Act II argument, but it does further a theme. I’m definitely not cleaning the kitchen disposal any time soon. I don’t even know where Robocop’s Act II is, I was too busy trying to identify the differences between the theatrical version, and the X-rated one that’s currently available on Amazon. (I couldn’t tell the difference; are you still reading, or have you gone off to check if there’s a Robo-penis?)

In an effort to revisit my fondest memories from the ’80s — Dungeons and Dragons — I played a bit of the new Pathfinder: Kingmaker video game that came out this past week. It’s like D&D, without the Dungeon Master, friends or creative, communal story-telling experience.

I also blew off my physical therapy and my diet.

I was pretty depressed this weekend — not depressed, that’s not accurate — no, I was deflated; like one gets after a terrible body blow. So I retreated to the safety of familiar things: the company of a good friend, feel-good television and film, comfort food, games, a warm bed, snuggly dogs, a happier era, etc.

It’s Tuesday afternoon as I write this, and I still haven’t looked at the news. For all I know, the powers that be have moved on from making a mockery of the Supreme Court, to making Soylent Green out of kidnapped Ecuadorian refugees — or whatever the next unimaginable, horrible offense that they find to be a profitable venture.

With the SCOTUS now poised to undo decades of progressive legislation — and quite likely, protect the president from the Mueller investigation or any other entity deemed an enemy of the administration — I don’t know what checks and balances we have left.

I am worried that in the near future, an exponentially increasing number of suffering, oppressed Americans will be forced to decide when it is, that acts of violence are a civic duty. That’s not how I want to spend my fucking golden years, and unless you are one of those gun-worshipping morons goose-stepping it to Stephen King’s fat, orange version of the Pied Piper — neither do you. It is quite possible now, that McConnell and the republican Senate, Ryan and the republican House, the President, his entire administration — all of them — all of them are going to get away with everything. If so, in the immortal words of C-3PO, “We’re doomed.”

Welcome to the end of Act II, America.

Worse still, what if this sci-fi turned horror flick has only just finished the opening crawl?

I imagine quite a different scene at the home of Brett Kavanaugh this past Saturday. Perhaps an evening alone, dressed in black, standing in front of his luxurious bathroom mirror channeling his deepest James Earl Jones rasp “No, America, I… am your Supreme Court Justice.”

Either that or he was hosting a Keggerape with his buddies Tobin, PJ, Squee, Dooku, Greedo, Palpatine and Donkey Dong Doug — and some girl unlucky enough to wander upstairs.

I really hope the Democrats have a plan — hopefully one that doesn’t involve too many of us Bothans dying. I have a bad feeling about this.

Do you think Human Greed has a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port?

P.S. If you didn’t get the reference to the Death Star in that last line, you probably missed the ten or so other Star Wars Easter Eggs throughout. Seriously, how many times can you watch Mean Girls?

#Star Wars #thinly veiled metaphor #Brett Kavanaugh #Merrick Garland

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trendingnewsb · 6 years

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Justin Timberlakes Super Bowl Halftime Show Was a Total Disaster

For someone so recently tone-deaf, its remarkable that Justin Timberlake managed to get out a note at all during his Super Bowl halftime show.

Then again, the sound design was so poorTimberlakes vocals were only decipherable when no instruments were playingeven that meager commendation is arguable. Whats inarguable is that after a string of jaw-dropping extravaganzas from the likes of Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, and Beyonc, Justin Timberlake delivered the worst halftime show of the traditions recent pop-star era. May the ghost of Prince haunt him forever.

Its one thing when a cynical media is preemptively eager to drag a performance. From the unjust optics of Timberlakes redemption for his part in the Janet Jackson nip-slip fiasco to the rumors that hed be using a hologram of The Purple One against his familys wishes, the lead-up to Sunday nights show was mired in controversy. But its another when the abysmal end product merits the inevitable snark.

Listless, muted, lacking any cohesion and spectacle, it was the Big Games biggest fumble.

These past weeks have served us an unwelcome Justin Timberlake reinvention as a Man of the Woods, with all the conviction of a thirty-something man who grows some stubble and starts telling everyone hes really into IPAs now, as if thats a personality trait. Sundays show thankfully spared us any more of that, opting instead for a stroll through memory lane soundtracked by his hit-laden back catalog. But it was also a reminder of how easily memories can be tainted.

Timberlakes set opened with a performance from what looked like Minnesotas least fun karaoke bar, warbling through his unremarkable new single Filthy with the finesse and enthusiasm of someone forced to get up and sing by their annoyingly drunk friends. Starting underground in the arenas hallway was an odd choice for kicking off pop cultures biggest concert, starting with a whimper in cramped quarters rather than a bang from the greatest stage.

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The whole thing was extremely claustrophobican awkwardness that lingered throughout the entire set, as Timberlake moved from one tiny, overly crowded stage to another, and finally into the stands where he was swarmed by fans desperate to film him on their iPhones.

Though its one of his more popular hits, were honestly surprised that he followed Filthy with a few minutes of Rock Your Body, the song he performed with Janet Jackson during the infamous 2004 incident. Youd think Timberlake would want to avoid any reminder of the scandal, especially considering how angry so many people still are over the way he handled it.

As Ira Madison recalled in The Daily Beast, while it was Timberlake who literally exposed Jacksons breast, he swiftly passed the blame onto her. She was blacklisted from TV and her music banned on radio stations, a cloud that hung over her career for most of the next decade while Timberlakes fame skyrocketed, landing him right back on the Super Bowl stage.

Its unclear whether an invitation was extended to Jackson to join Timberlake at Sunday nights show, but after so much speculation she did clarify that she would not be appearing. In response, fans had #JanetJacksonAppreciationDay trending on Twitter, paying respect to the pop star over the white male who disrespected her.

All of this is to say were shocked by the, well, rudeness of Timberlake choosing to sing Rock Your Body again on Sunday night. Its just as well, though, to remind us of how ludicrous we are as a society and selectively unforgiving and hypocritical we can be. We buried Janet for the nipple, but will we forgive Justin for the hate crime that was that Prince duet?

Word leaked earlier in the weekend that Timberlake was planning to pay respect to Minneapoliss greatest pop star by performing with a hologram version of him, a report that was eventually debunkedand at least the third time I can remember that a planned hologram performance was scrapped after public outcry over how tasteless and grim the entire idea is.

Still, the constant pop-culture threat of these things is exhausting. Who are the people who desire these holograms? They are macabre and appropriating and disrespectful and, even excusing all that, cheesy as hell. Its a baffling strategy if the idea is to amp up a live performance. What would make the thrill and the crackling energy of a live show where anything can happen even more electric? I know! A computer facsimile of a human.

Most of us presumed that no hologram meant no cringe-worthy Prince homage, but no, Timberlake dueted with a projection of The Purple One performing I Would Die 4 U. Princes family approved of the use of the projection. Social media certainly didnt.

That so much of the reaction to Timberlakes halftime show is in relation to its egregious connections to two other pop stars speaks volumes; despite the fact that the singer performed a hit-filled set of chart-toppers including Sexy Back, My Love, Cry Me a River, and Mirrors, there was no sense of grandeur that weve come to expect from the Super Bowl stage.

Timberlake has set his own bar as a phenomenal, electrifying live performer. Here, his dance moves werent as lithe and spritely as they once were, almost as if he was marking the choreographylike it wasnt rehearsed enough.

And, because it must be said, he was wearing what might have been the ugliest outfit Ive ever seen. Baggy camouflage cargo pants. A red bandana handkerchief around his neck. A button-up shirt with a still life of deer in a field screened on it. The assault on the very idea of fashion became a grenade to the eyes when he then donned a matching blazer for Suit and Tie, the debonair anthem and ode to suaveness, performed here in a camouflage suit.

Listen, we like Timberlakes hits. Hes a charismatic performer. When that song from Trolls comes on while were at Duane Reade, we smile and sing along and fondly remember that time we spilled wine on ourselves while dancing to it at our sisters wedding. But, momentarily absolving all his thinkpiece-fodder sins, the thing that ruined Timberlakes halftime show was a naked lack of ambition.

There was no political statement, sly as they might have been when Beyonc performed with only women on stage with her when she sang Formation, and then had a dance battle of the sexes against Bruno Mars (that she killed, obviously), or when Lady Gaga opened her show with a patriotic medley saying this is what America means to me, and then proceeded to put on a freak-flag-flying-fantasmic-supernatural-LGBT-empowering spectacular. (And in the first weeks of Trumps presidency, to boot.)

There was no feat of athleticism akin to the sense that Beyonc, Gaga, and Mars trained like a Super Bowl player for their shows, expending every ounce of energy they had in them in their explosive sets. There wasnt even a sense of superb musicianship, a la Prince or Springsteen, or any sort of regal ownership of the right to be on that stage, which Diana Ross, Paul McCartney, Madonna, and Michael Jackson had reigned supremely on before.

I mean, for Gods sake, at least give us a Left Shark. Then again, maybe his entire performance was Left Shark.

No costume changes. No stunts. No guests. (Not even NSYNC!) Just warbled noise. Once upon a time, Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. Now wed like a refund.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/justin-timberlakes-super-bowl-halftime-show-was-a-total-disaster

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