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spice-chan · 4 years

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Massage me down there

husband!yandere!bakugou x reader

When your husband gets upset at the lack of attention you were giving him, you make it up to him by giving him the best massage of his life.

wordcount- 5 k

warnings : sub baku, slightly yandere tendencies, yandere baku ( its all fluffy af tho), nsfw, blowjob, eating out, sex.

for mature viewers only.

first smut so pls be gentle. tumblr was such a bitch and wouldn't let me post this but here we are.

…...…......………...…...….

Bakugou walked in, his muscles and arms aching from a long day of hero work. He twisted the key and turned the doorknob, opening the door to be assaulted by the familiar warm scent of home.

You used some air fresheners that made sure the house always smelt welcoming pleasant. He wasn’t sure what scent, but he knows the smell well enough.

He took his shoes off, irked that you didn’t come to welcome him like you usually would. His bad mood seeped out into his face, translating into a well known scowl on his handsome features.

A tick appeared on his forehead when he heard the tv.

‘What the fuck, or who the fuck, had your attention?’

He took his shoes off and changed out of his hero suit, putting his gauntlets aside and somewhere safe. He doesn’t want those near you.

He showered quickly and wore some shorts, leaving his hair to air dry opting to go shirtless, leaving his toned and muscled packs out on display. He was still warm from his shower, and his flushed and damp appearance was sure to re-catch your attention.

He left the shared room and walked into the leaving room, nearly steaming again when he wasn’t acknowledged and looking into the TV, expecting something equally infuriating, but only finding some furry movie. He tsk, although relieved it wasn’t some pesky actor stealing your attention.

He took in your appearance, finding that you looked gorgeous in some oversized shirt of his and some baggy, grey shorts, which left most of your legs teasingly out. He would have jumped you, but quickly remembered why he couldn’t to begin with.

You looked so sweet sitting there in some oversized shirt watching a cartoon movie tho-

No. He was mad at you.

He flopped down on the couch, folding his arms across his chest and glaring at you grumpily. You jumped up in surprise the moment the couch dipped, looking next to you frantically only to see your husband sitting at the opposite end of the couch.

Your face brightened into a happy smile, quickly sliding to him and enveloping his steam warm body in a hug. You slid on his lap, trying to kiss him on the lips, which failed when he turned his head, ending up as a mere peck.

You frowned at that, but it hurt Katsuki more than it hurt you. His heart felt heavy, having to reject one of your kisses, but it was for the better good.

You put your head on his chest, appreciatiating the firm and sculpted feel of it.

“Why didn’t you tell me you got home ? I didn’t hear you at all !” You exclaimed with a frown. Sad at missing your opportunity of kissing him at the door like your ritual usually went. Is that why he seemed to be in a mood ?

Bakugo scoffed, resisting the urge to put his hands on you.” You would’ve if you weren’t so distracted with some-some furry movie !” He yelled way to loudly, but you knew he wasn’t really angry, at least not mad angry. He’s just sulking. You didn’t know, but when you didn’t even acknowledge him slightly while he got home and showered some spark of possessiveness went off. The familiar feeling of being threatened wasn’t that far after all.

But the sound of the main character interacting with the fox made your ears perk. Since Katsuki is upset right now, he can wait a bit more.

You easily escaped his grasp since Bakugo opted to not touch you.

You settled near him, not as far, but not as close as before. Bakugo felt your warmth leave, and it felt like the heat from his very own body was sapped.

His grumpy pout turned to a sad, dejected one, and his eyes slowly lost his hardness as he looked at your distracted form beside him.

Anger slowly started brewing inside him again, tears springing to the corner of his eyes due to the overwhelming rage brewing in his chest.

‘How dare you ignore him like this ? Especially when he was upset at you. If you were upset at him Bakugo would coddle you until you relented. Fine, ignore him.’

Your attention snapped when you felt Katsuki get up from the couch, watching his figure stomp away to the room. You cringed when you heard the door bang.

You saw the movie had a few minutes left, and debated whether you should go to Katsuki or finish it first. This might take a while, so movie first it is.

Right as the movie was about to finish, you heated up some oils, having thought of the perfect bribery plan. Bakugou hates it when you don’t pay attention to him or dismiss him, and you wouldn’t have, but the movie was so engaging and you wanted to watch it for a long time !

You quickly put the oils in a tray and carried it back to your room. You balanced the tray in one hand while your other turned the doorknob, walking inside the bedroom to find Katsuki laying on his side on the bed on his belly.

You walked to him, putting the oils on the running heater one by one to make sure they remain warm to ensure Katsuki can enjoy this as much as possible.

Katsuki looked up slowly, not wanting to show his interest in what you brought with you, but intrigue got the best of him when he smelt natural scents near him. He quickly turned his face away when he saw you walk to him. You crouched down besides him, making him smell your perfume, and want to look at your adorable face, grab -

“Suki, you’re mad at me right ?” You asked softly, trying to set the mood while your hand tangled in his untamable spikes.

Katsuki wanted to shout, to push your hand away and melt in his own pettiness, but he couldn’t help the tiny rush of ecstasy as your small hand slowly caressed his roots, the true euphoria being that you came to make up with him. You must love him after all then ?

“Tsk, go back to your shitty movie.” He grumbled, his lips set in a pout as he lifted his face to glare at you.

You tried kissing him before he turned around again, but he predicted her actions and turned around before the kiss reached it’s destination. He quickly regretted his decision becasue after you ended up kissing his cheek again, he really craved to have your luscious lips make contact with his…

He must stay strong. He already saw the oils, and had a half mind to reject your offer, but he was scared you really will take his word for it.

“What’s with the oils ?” He questioned gruffly, slightly muffled by the pillows.

You beamed, ripping the blanket off his body, which he seemed to cocoon himself in, and made yourself comfortable beside him.

“I’m giving you a full body massage, head to toe ! My hero must be sore from working hard all day.” You said adoringly, despite Bakugo thinking he’s the coddler in the relationship, you loved doting on him too, and bought all of this to use on him.

Katsuki was going to make some snarky remark, but your soothing hands on his scalp made him clamp shut. Your rhythmic motions and soft touches made Bakugou sigh, her fingers playing with his hair gently with the room dimly lit made him relax and his heart beat slowed as his eyelids drooped in lethargy. Your fingers didn’t leave one root on his head untouched. You grinned in victory seeing your adorable husband about to fall asleep and you barely even started.

The true comfort to Katsuki came in knowing that Bakugou had your full attention. But his half lidded eyes sprung open when he felt your hands leave his spiky blond hair. He was about to grab your hand to pull you back to him when he noticed you walk towards the oils, grabbing them and placing them on the lamp stand besides the bed so you can easily reach them without moving.

You settled yourself back on the bed, this time on Katsuki’s toned and perky ass.

Bakugo blushed, never too used to you being like this with him despite you guys being married and all that, it still feels as if you guys never even held hands before. At least to him.

You reached out, grabbing one of the oils and pouring a generous amount on your palms, then rubbing them together. You put your hands on his shoulders and started to gently work on the knots, and Katsuki swears heaven is in your hands. He feels the heavy weight that every hero carries slowly melt away, the tenseness slowly dissipating as your hands continued massaging with the aid of the oil.

“How does it feel ?” You asked in a low, whispering voice. Katsuki could’ve missed it had it not being your voice.

He grunted, and you took it as a good enough response to keep working as you had been. Katsuki was so relaxed, he was becoming sleepy with the aid of the ambient light of the lamp, and your soothing touches stimulating his tactile senses. The only comforting touch he felt all day.

You felt that his shoulders were mellow enough, deciding to move on to his back. You grabbed another oil and spread a more generous amount this time, rubbing it between your palms. The warmth must’ve been really pleasant on his exhausted body, because his breath hitched not a second after your hands made contact with his back. You’re honestly a novice at this, having watched a few seconds of a massage video then gave up a few seconds in, but you guessed you were doing something right if the hitches of his breath were any proof.

You continued kneading at his back, admiring the scrumptious view of his muscular back beneath your fingers. Katsuki was lucky his face was not in your direction, or you would have seen the redness of his cheeks and ears, and the suggestive nature of his open mouth, which let out inaudible sounds every time you worked out a knot. His eyes were lidded, brighter than usual that the volcanic red of his eyes looked like harmless cherries.

Embarrassingly though, every knead you made caused his body to experience a sort of relaxed pleasure, the feel of your soft hands gently caressing his skin is bringing back memories……

He would never allow anyone else but you to touch him like this, just like he wouldn’t allow you to touch anyone else like that, or touch period. Just the thought made his brows furrow in annoyance until a moan came out when you touched a particularly sore spot. You paused for a second, having not expected that reaction. You went back to the same spot and got rewarded when his breath hitched.

Eventually, his back went like it was made anew, and you probably shared the sentiment because you whispered in his ear to turn around, afraid of disturbing him as he remained silent for so long. He could have fallen asleep, and he might’ve, your relaxing touch and dim lights where really helping.

However, he wanted more of this, so he pushed the drowsiness away and turned around for you. He thought you would wrap it up after doing his back, shoulders, and even his head, but was pleasantly surprised. That’s his darling, always going the extra mile for him. Little things like that remind him exactly why he adores you.

To be fair, he stopped being mad five minutes into the massage, if, however, it still gets you to dot on him then he will keep his mouth shut, but he still appreciates that you are doing this for him, considering how much carrying gauntlets and heroing all day tires him.

After choosing the oil, Bakugou half thought that you were going to resume your previous seating place, this time on his crotch. He was pleasantly surprised to be right. Katsuki blushed and turned around, huffing, knowing you can feel his semi erection. By the smirk you shot him, you were very aware.

Katsuki held his breath in, knowing the slightest movement of your hips will cause him to let out a titillating sound.

“Where do you think you’re sitting dumbass ?” He groaned out. You quirked an eyebrow, smirking downright sinfully.

“Your body doesn’t seem to have a problem with it.” You observed.

Halfway into worshipping the firm dips of his pectorals, you paused your ministrations, drawing the- once again- attention of a drowsy Katsuki.

You fanned yourself, and much to your husbands chagrin, took the oversized shirt off. Leaving you in your pretty, black bralette which emphasized your bust. Katsuki gulped.

After catching Katsuki’s wondering eyes, you shot him a flirty smile. Your hands resumed their ministrations, but slowly traveled up to Katsuki’s chest, kneading at first, but then seized all movements, only to start softly caressing his milky neck.

You slowly lowered you upper body, making contact with Katsuki’s oiled front. He couldn’t keep his wondering eyes from admiring the exposed cleavage teasing his vision. You caught his stare, and leisurely unhooked it, sliding the straps off, one, and then the other, shrugging it off completely, making your soft tits touch his stomach. His hands itched to grab them, but your own left his neck and held his hands in place over his head. You moved until your mouth was near his ears, the movement reminded Bakugo of the slithering of a graceful and dangerous viper.

“Did you enjoy that baby ?” You whispered, voice no louder or lower than the one you used throughout the whole session, but somehow, with your soft chest touching his, hands holding his own in place and voice whispering in his ear, Katsuki’s blood rushed south.

He swallowed, having a theory that the blood in his brain must have gone down, because he felt way dumber than usual.

He nodded his head.

“Are you still mad at me honey ?” Whispered your honeyed voice.

“No.” Replied Katsuki, taking his upper lip between his teeth in frustration at the affect you have on him.

His cheeks flushed even more when you started nibbling at his earlobe, the sound way too close to his hearing range for comfort.

He really resembled that love sick look.

“Will you let me kiss you now Suki ?” You asked your final question, hands leaving his, granting him leeway to explore and move them as he pleases while your hands found their way back to his hair. Katsuki answered your question by pulling you closer and softly kissing your lips, his desires having finally been answered. He kept the kiss from getting aggressive, not wanting to destroy the mood, but the tantalising kiss was quickly becoming not enough. He desired all of you, he wanted your thoughts to be wholeheartedly consumed by him. His beefy hand tangled itself in your hair, biting your bottom lip and sucking it in order to deepen your kiss, but you had other ideas.

“Suki, can you put your tongue out for me ?” You asked innocently, Katsuki hesitated for a moment, confused as you’d never made a request like that before. He slowly stuck his pink muscle out.

You wasted no time, gently sucking it, grazing it with your teeth to add a bit of stimulation.

You didn’t prolong his pleasure however.

“I still have to finish your massage, sweetie. Lay back down and relax.” You whispered in a doting tone, gently pushing his chest flat into the bed. Katsuki widened his eyes, unable to believe you’d do that to him.

You’re really going to do this to him ? While you were shirtless too ?

His cock pulsated painfully, his hardness left untouched. You moved on to his arms, paying special attention to his aching wrists. This would have the epitome of comfort had he not had an erection, with you shirtless, nipples out and daring him to pinch, your hands softly oiling his body and rejuvinating him. He thanks his overwhelming self control, overwhelming though it may be, the impenetrable iron clad self control crumples and mellows like marshmallow around you.

To his dismay, yet utter relief, you took your time, knowing his hands are crucial for his quirk. After finishing up with his arm, you took his hand, his large, beefy one dwarfing your own. Jesus, even his fingers were thick.

You brought his hand closer to your mouth, and Katsuki thought you were going to take a finger in your mouth. Instead, you gave the webbed area at the base of his finger a tentative lick. Knowing this is the most sensitive part of his calloused hand. His erection strained against his shorts with renewed vigour. He bit his lip in order to follow your command and stay laid back, but God knows he wanted to push you back and ram into you. He felt more than saw when your naughty tongue stopped licking that area and traveled up to suck the tip of his finger. You licked it slowly, then took it in your mouth, sucking on it like you would something else.

Katsuki squeezed his thighs together desperately, unable to handle not getting friction. His other hand went palm his hard on, but you slapped that hand when it twitched to move, knowing you won’t like its destination. You bit his finger in a silent warning. Katsuki knew he couldn’t disobey a request of yours, no matter how hard or simple, so he fisted his hand to maintain his sanity while you deepthroated his finger. Braless.

You took his finger out of your mouth. It was slicken and glistening. Katsuki’s boxers were dampened.

Katsuki starred in utter horror as you moved on to the other arm, and nearly growled in frustration.

He couldn’t handle it anymore.

“Stop teasing me !” He shouted, the loudest noise that had been made since you entered the room.

You looked at him, mock obliviousness on your face.

You begun to massage the new arm, giving him an inquisitive look.

“Teasing you ? What are you talking about Suki ? I’m just trying to make you feel good.” You justified.

“Baka, massage me where I really want to be massaged.” He demanded. You put a finger on his lip. “Suki, don’t talk that loudly, you’ll destroy the mood. And tell me where you want me to massage honey, use your words. This is all about you remember?” You guessed it’s been enough teasing. Halfway through, you noticed the impending arousal Katsuki was experiencing, and decided this could take a turn in the other direction. He looked at you in hope, but clamped his mouth shut when he realized he’d have to ask you it.

“You know… baka.” He answered childishly, looking away.

“Of course, your arms really hurt don't they ? No worries.” You whispered, already grabbing the oils before Katsuki’s frustrated voice rung out.

“Please no, touch me… down there. Right now. You knew there would be consequences to touching me like that and looking like this” He finally relented. You o’d, nodding and caressing his hair, silently proud at him for saying what he really wanted. You relishes in the embarrassment blooming on his face, an adorable cherry red.

“Haha, you should have just said so from the start.” You scolded.

“I’ll start by massaging your legs then.”

Katsuki nearly growled in frustration. You weren’t going to do this to him right. You read that look on his face.

“Is that not what you want ? You said down there.”

He sucked in a breath. He gripped the sheets beneath his hand so tightly, his knuckles tirned white.

“Fine ! You want me to say it, I will. Massage…my cock. Spread oils all over it and touch it with your pretty hands and suck it like you did to my finger.” He retold all his fantasies, baring his soul out into the open. He craves you all the time, you just made his craving so much worse. Depriving him of your attention, then suddenly giving him an abundance of it but not giving him what he truly wants .

His heart fell when he saw the troubled look on your face. “Suki, you have to be patient. Then I promise you’ll get what you want.” Although you put up a front, you were aching for him, your underwear was damp no doubt.

You stood up, ignoring the frustrated look on his face. he is going to be patient because you knew he wouldn’t ignore something you said. He never does, especially when he’s in this headspace. You took the blanket off his lower body. You slowly pulled his shorts off, amused by the wet patch you saw. Now his perky ass was clad in only some black boxer. You could see the straining erection, his underwear struggling to contain it, already dampened with the evidence of his arousal.

You debated for only a second.

You grabbed the waistband, Katsuki understanding the hint and lifting himself up slightly so you could take the material off. His enormous cock sprung out, the head an angry purple colour from the lack of attention. It was thick and girthy, and the length was nothing to laugh about either. It was a bit like Katsuki to be honest. Muscular and enormous. You loved how his masculine and sculpted figure fit in yours. It felt like he could protect you from the world.

You grabbed an oil, rubbing it in your palms before you began rubbing it on his thighs. Not before pressing a soft kiss on them and taking an adorable little bite. You massaged them both, careful not to touch where Katsuki desperately wanted you to touch. “Be patient Katsuki” you reminded him as you continued kneading his sculpted cream coloured thighs. Sometimes you’d get dangerously close to his centre, but not quite enough that Katsuki could experience the blessing of your touch. Enough was enough, however.

Katsuki breathed a sigh of relief when you stopped.

Katsuki’s body felt renewed, all his knots having been achingly soothed, his body smelt of fresh herbs and oils that left him smelling amazing, but the only oil he really craved was out of his reach at the moment. Not for long though.

You stood up from the bed and headed to one of your cupboards, already knowing none of those oils were tailored for that kind of use.

You went through the impressive amounts of flavoured lubes, then deciding on a water based watermelon one. Choosing was a struggle, knowing that your husband only bought you the best of the best.

You returned to an unmoved Katsuki, waving the lube at him in a goofy way. Shit, you were perfect, Katsuki will kill anyone that says you like this. Goods jiggling freely and showing the lube you were going to taste while sucking his cock.

You sat on the bed, spreading his legs to allow you to comfortably settle between them.

Fuck yes. Yes. Yes . “Yes”.

You took your own shorts off, leaving you in a delicious orange thong that did nothing to cover your delectable ass. The only thing keeping you from becoming fully naked.

You applied the lube on your hands, careful from putting too much.

Katsuki groaned audibly when your hands touched his cock, rubbing the tip, which was a painful purple colour, and then dipping your hands down. You pumped him, making sure not to go too fast, and applying special attention to all his sensitive spots. You squeezed his balls gently, then licked his tip, using the soft lower part of your tongue to stimulate him, then suddenly switching to the rougher part.

“Ah- ah- baby, where did you - you learn to do that ?!” Katsuki knew he wasn’t going to last long with your body out on display to him, and your mouth softly teasing him. You opened your mouth, taking him in one inch at a time. You hollow your cheeks, hearing a broken moan from Katsuki, followed by a groan as you bobbed your head up and down. You kept using your tongue and hands, not leaving any part of him untouched.

Katsuki felt like he was in heaven. Your naughty tongue did wonders on all his sensitive spots, humming every now and then, you must have liked the taste. You bobbed your head faster, Katsuki had to contain himself from face fucking you without care. Drool dripped down your chin and your hair was a mess, fuck, you were absolutely gorgeous.

The final push was seeing one of your hands leave his cock make its way to your underwear, sliding the pesky things down slowly, giving Katsuki a show. You were absolutely drenched.

You moaned around his length as you started to work on your clit. Then your fingers slipped inside you seamlessly,making erotic squelching sounds that he knows all too well and next thing Katsuki was crying out.

“Fuck, princess- I’m coming- ah, coming.” You bobbed your head with new found vigour, sucking and squeezing even when you felt his warm cream gush into your mouth.

“Teddy bear —“ he groaned, stopping mid sentence to let out the loudest moan moan you ever heard, with flushed cheeks, mouth ajar and watery cherry eyes. Henever took his eyes off you, drinking in the sight of you enthusiastically drinking his cum, not wanting to waste a single drop. You kept going, even when your eyes watered and your throat burned. You put both hands on his thighs to steady yourself, keeping your working mouth on his cock as you drank and drank. After it seemed like that was all, you took your mouth off and started giving licks all over his painfully sensitive cock, cleaning it of any remains. He tried complaining but you didn’t stop until the last drop was licked.

“How was that massage baby ?”

Katsuki was too busy catching breath to answer, but maybe that was all the answer you needed.

He wants to please you now, to satisfy you like you satisfied him.

One look at your naked body had his now flaccid cock springing back to life.

“I loved it babe, but now it’s your turn, c’mere.” He sprung up, grasping your legs and spreading them apart. He saw your thong between your knees, slipping it out slowly while laughing.

“Why wear this ? You might as well have been wearing nothing.” He mused, looking at the tiny orange thong.

“I wanted to seduce you, Suki.”

That made him ‘ah’, as he nodded amusedly. He threw it somewhere in the room, immensely glad that you wore it for him, for him, only him.

His tongue grazed your slit, not entering you. He wrapped his mouth around your clit and sucked. You fisted the sheets as the breath got knocked out of you. He ate you out vigorously,not giving you a moment to breath. His fingers rubbed your slit, teasing you while his mouth devoured you. Suddenly, his mouth traveled down to your slit, and his fingers went to rub your clit. He lapped up at the wetness, loving the taste of you. His hand left you to grab your leg and put it over his muscled shoulder for better access.

He met your eyes, giving you an arrogant smirk as his tongue teased you relentlessly, traveling up and down, circling your clit, but never quite wrapping around it and sucking like before.

“Suki, please, make me feel good.” You begged with tears in your eyes. Even though Katsuki wanted to tease you more, he couldn’t.

In no time, your thighs were shaking as the knot in your belly was threatening to burst.

“Stop” that one sentence had Katsuki detaching from your clit, looking troubled. A familiar insecure look.

Did he fail to make you feel good ? What did he do wrong ?

“What ?” He asked, wiping your love juices off his chin.

“I want to do it together this time Suki. It was too good, I couldn’t have lasted anymore if I didn’t stop you when I did.” You reassured him, watching the insecure look on his face vanish. Before, when you and Katsuki were merely dating, you were surprised by the way he behaved around you, but now, you were used to it- dare you say, you loved the way he values your words and attention. He made you feel like a queen, even though others would claim that time of love is overwhelming and suffocating.

He cradled you gently, kissing your head. What an adorable request, well, he couldn’t disappoint you now could he ?

He laid your head on the pillow, putting both of your legs over his shoulders letting you give his semi hardened length a few pumps. You were both lubed and ready enough, but Katsuki still took his time in entering you, not wanting to hurt you, he knew he wasn’t small by any means, not even close.

He loved positions like this, where he could look at your face and see how you were feeling. He was fully in you, and he could see that it wasn’t the most comfortable thing for you, so his thrusts were gentle at first. Soon, after he heard you become breathless and clenching around him, he started to become rougher, slamming into your G-spot.

You were so warm, and tight….

He pistoned into your welcoming honeypot. “Does it -ah—feel good ?” He asked, slowing down slightly so you could answer him.

“Yes Suki, don’t slow down ! Please rub my clit” you said guiding his hand where you wanted it and he obliged. He kept thrusting at his usual fast pace, your tits vibrate with every thrust, prompting him to finally pinch one. He rubbed your clit too, feeling you clench around him.

This is where he wanted to be all day, connected with his darling, making the both of you feel good.

He angled his thrusts to hit your G-spot, making your pleasure overwhelming, which naturally translated to his. His muscles contorted as he gave one final, powerful thrust, coming undone inside your warm centre. He kept stimulating you, and it didn’t take you long to join him in bless, milking him as you let out a sinful moan, pulling him closer to you, seeking his warmth amids being in the clouds. He kept riding you through your orgasm, eventually his thrusts becoming nothing more than shallow.

He felt satisfied beyond measure, slowly taking his cock out and seeing his semen leak. Be bent down, kissing you gently on the lips. “Did it feel good?” He asked, wanting reassurance that he did well. He did this every time despite it being more than obvious he did amazing.

“Amazing, did you like your massage though?” You questioned, making him scoff at your idiotic question.

“Damn right, best massage ever.”

He then cleaned you up, then with your bare bodies cuddling, you fell in deep sleep.

“I love you.” He whispered to your snoozing head on his naked chest.

“More than anything.”

……….

Kofi

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tobns · 7 years

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so even though i literally owe no one a single explanation, i wanted to take a second while i’m not doing much of anything and...ramble, i guess, about the last month or so. feel free to look at it under the cut, and even if you don’t read all of it, just peep at the first paragraph, it’s for you!

i guess i’ll preface this by saying TO ALL OF THE NEW PEOPLE WHO’VE FOLLOWED ME OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS: hi hello welcome to my blog i’m em and i love you, you are very special and worthy and amazing and i hope you enjoy my blog and the shit i post and know i consider you a friend and am here for you always if you ever wanna talk or need someone to vent to about literally anything from real world problems to fandom feels, i got you ♡

before i begin, if you read ANY part of this below pretty pretty please send asks in my inbox telling me what you think, alright??? ‘cause i do need opinions on some stuff below, so thank you thank you thank you in advance!!!

moving along!

so, number one: as you can probably tell, writing has been kinda slim to none around here lately, and i really don’t know what to tell y’all. i don’t have any kind of grand “oh i’ve been away!” excuse, my reasoning is pretty straightforward — my motivation has been low, i’ve been putting a little more time into exploring solo muses/characters, and as of the last week or so, completely had it with certain, toxic as hell fandoms. one of my really good friends makes youtube videos and she made a video this last week i resonated so much with, where she basically talked about how she was turning youtube into a chore and wasn’t having any fun with it. she was making layouts and trying to pep herself into actually Doing Shit and when the time came, she was completely disappointed with the quality or couldn’t bring herself to finish, and i was screaming “why is this my life??” the whole damn time because i absolutely could relate to it. watching that video made me realize that a) i was turning my fic writing/video editing into something like a chore, i was beating myself up when i didn’t do something on time and could never get it done when i forced myself to work on stuff and that’s so the wrong way to go about it, and b) i’m just not really passionate about what i’m writing now. i’m not. do i love cdg/grey’s? yes, i do, and i still have every intention to finish that story. but like i said, i realized earlier that this is not my job. no one other than myself is forcing me to crank out updates, and the reason i force myself to crank out these updates is because i’m scared that if i take time away from my stuff, when i come back to it, i’ve lost a readership. and it’s incredibly, incredibly hard finding a balance — i want an audience because what’s the point in sharing my shit if no one else is looking, but at the same time i also want to take my time with stories on days where i don’t feel motivated and want to be a little lazy and still maintain that readership, not have them jump ship. i and i’ve had it happen and it completely stripped my desire to even WRITE for a fandom away, and i love grey’s too much to ever want that to happen. but of course, lately all i feel inspired to write is slexie, which died out five years ago, so my readers are slim as is. see my dilemma? it’s a hard, hard thing for me to find a perfect balance with because i either work myself into the ground or neglect it entirely, but it all comes back to the root of this: i’ve come back to terms with the fact that this is not my job, i’m not answering to anyone other than me, i don’t have a paycheck on the line, i’m not under any other restrictions other than the ones i set for myself, and i’m just overall too hard on myself when it comes to something THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. it’s supposed to be FUN. FANDOM. IS. SUPPOSED. TO. BE. FUN.

and so that’s what i’m trying to do. have fun. write the stuff i want to write because i want to write it, not because i’m feeling obligated or pressuring myself to, but because i’m passionate about it and i want to write it. the saying’s true, if you’re passionate about what you’re putting your effort into, it shows, and i think that is certainly true for all of the fics that have seen any sort of remote success, save for a couple. when my heart’s in the right place, the reactions reflect, and even though that’s a very fucking blind process for me to trust, i’m gonna trust it.

therefore, i have a fewwwwww little things i wanna let you know about if you do follow my creations

i’ll start with the short one: videos.

i have not been inspired to make another fucking video because, once again, i keep comparing my shit to others and just not having fun, making it into a job and thinking more about the destination rather than the journey (a very big problem i have that i’m trying to work on). if i’m passionate about it, expect me to edit it. it may not be the greatest, most wonderful video on youtube you’ve EVER SEEN, but i just wanna edit stuff that makes me happy. expect videos for fics that i’ll touch on below, expect videos with more of my favorite musicians and shows and just less of the shit i don’t really want to edit. (this is me, repeating this phrase a lot in order for it to sink into my brain and register okay)

and...now for the not so short one (i’m trying to make this as spaced out, brief and organized as possible for your reading convenience if you’re still fucking reading this lmao): fics.

cdg is the only fic i am going to go forward with updating right now out of all the ones you see on my fic page (which i’m gonna update soon) i got a super sweet review a few days ago that really made me want to keep moving forward. when you’ll see an update? i can’t say. i’m gonna rework some of my outlines and then go from there, but it will be updated. have no fear. xx

i really don’t know if any of you remember/are interested, but ever since 2013, i’ve had an ongoing fic series (the only thing i’ve ever written a sequel for EVER) that’s a hunger games x avengers crossover. the first one is atrocious, honestly, second one is only slightly better, but i’m on the third sequel and lately, i’ve just been dying to do more with it, since i’m actually feeling good about the mcu again with spiderman and the new trailer releases? the fic’s called cataclysm, you can read the first chapter (from a year ago lmao) here if you’d like; to me, this was my fun way of combining super special fandoms for me together. basically, if you want a synopsis of what i did (back 4 years ago) was essentially write katniss into the mcu films. i wrote lights out four years ago and it is...cringe, there’s a good story there if you overlook my shitty deliverance, and i’ve always been pretty proud of the tone inferno took on, even if there’s some stuff i’d like to edit and whatnot. i’m going to try and continue on with cataclysm because it’s what i’m really pumped about right now, and i’ve got a few little things i’d love for y’all to help me with:

#1 — i obviously post this on ffnet, would you like me to also post cataclysm updates to ao3?

which leads into this — if i post to ao3, would you want me to import the other two stories into ao3 as well? fair warning: i’d probably give a solid day to tweaking and editing lights out and that’s it, i could take that fic apart and rewrite it to be much better but that’s simply not something i’m interested in nor do i want to spend my time on. like i said, i wrote it 4 years ago. it’s no longer my best, it’s kind of incredibly rough around the edges, and could i have done better with crafting the storylines and making things feel a little more natural? yeah, especially now that i’ve worked her into 3+ movie storylines and have had the practice. but that’s beside the point. you’d have to essentially take it as it is and i’d probably disable comments on the first two for my own sake of mind — ao3 gives me a lot of stress and it’s why i don’t like updating on there (oh look, more confessionals!) because i feel an immense load of pressure to impress and write up to a certain bar instead of writing true to my voice.

please don’t expect any sg fics out of me for awhile. i haven’t talked much about this since the implosion of the fandom, but i’m just not comfortable right now touching any of it with a ten foot pole. like i said, it’s not fun for me, i don’t wanna write it and i’m not about to force myself and be miserable.

depending on where i get, i have plenty of slexie/japril fic ideas that i’d love to put into use, and we’ll see how things go!

so yeah, basically, what you should take away from this is that i’m putting a fucking finish on stressing myself out so much; i’m going to go back to focusing more on the process instead of the result, and i’m just gonna have fun with shit. i look back on my posts 5 years ago when i was writing thg fanfics and god, while i was a mess, i could tell how much fun i was having in the process and i just wanna get back to that? and that’s what i’m gonna do

i love you guys, i love creating stuff and sharing it with you guys, and i love this blog. xxxx

#update #fanfiction #the hunger games #avengers #grey's anatomy #seriously if you read anything past the little message at the beginning i hope you know i fucking appreciate you xo

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legalist217 · 5 years

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Grisha Trilogy: in defense of That Ending

My hottest take: the end of Ruin and Rising, while shocking in the moment, is fully consistent with the themes of the book and the Grisha Trilogy as a whole. Further, to feel as though Leigh Bardugo did not tell the story she meant to tell from the outset (for whatever reason, be it executive meddling or chickening out at the last minute) is doing her narrative a disservice at minimum and might at most be missing the point of the series.

This is the part where my good sis @alskaichou and I disagree to disagree and I accept that. Also this essay thing is by and large directed at Tara, and is just being written out longform for efficiency’s sake. So if you disagree with it, it’s not personal. (Unless you’re Tara. And even then, it’s not personal; I just… disagree… with you...) I’d also like it known that I’m only consulting the text, my own notes, and my own thoughts for this analysis... so if these end up being common Hot Takes, welp.

Also, mass spoilers directly ahead.

To make sure there’s zero ambiguity in what I mean, I’m saying that both the part where Alina gets depowered and the part where Malina is endgame feel like they were intended right from the start, and to argue that the author intended otherwise may be missing a thematic point.

Okay, so, where do I get off with this flaming hot take? There are two keys, in my opinion: Alina’s narration, and the character of Ilya Morozova.

When I was recapping these books, I spent a lot of time bemoaning Alina’s lack of ambition. Here’s this girl with all this OPPORTUNITY, and yet she keeps going for the lowest-hanging fruits of dangerous power, and that’s when she’s even bothering. But… here’s the thing. I’ve been reflecting ever since reading the ending on what Alina was actually saying in her narration. And I realized something: I am pretty sure Alina wasn’t looking for power, or even opportunity.

The problem for Alina is that for most of the series, she’s faced with two extremes. She can smother her Grisha gift and be extremely weak even for an otkazat’sya, or she can accept her Sun Summoner status… which comes with a ton of prestige, prominence, and responsibilities she never asked to have. For her, the options are being a saltwife or being a queen. And Alina just wants to be normal. Just wants to be physically unhampered and able to pursue the life an otkazat’sya may have.

I realize that’s disappointing. It does tend to go against not only what we want from our protagonists (which is in fantasy often “start ordinary but end up extraordinary”), but even more specifically it goes against what we want from a YA protagonist, particularly a female one. We want role models. We want strong female protagonists. We want them to make the right choices. But therein may have lain a trap we set for ourselves.

When I was reading the first book, I fully expected Mal to be killed off within the first fifty pages. I then fully expected him to become the Gale to Alina’s Katniss--the childhood friend who isn’t extraordinary like the protagonist and just can’t keep up with the life she’s destined to lead. The books do lean into this, with the pair of them breaking up over the course of Siege and Storm due to him being unable to understand the person she’s become and resenting that she’s no longer the girl he grew up with, and by the middle of Ruin and Rising, both of them seem committed to a permanent separation so that Alina can be the best Alina she can be and Mal won’t hold her back.

But... here’s the thing: the reason Mal wouldn’t be a good match for Alina is, by and large, rooted in societal factors which insist that otkazat’sya will never bother to understand Grisha, so trying to build a life together is foolish. I mean, set aside all the prestige that Alina gets for being this unique Sun Summoner, and even then, there’s this artificial divide which the Darkling smugly predicted would occur between them. But if that hadn’t been there, would Mal have been deeply in love with her and likely an unambiguously suited match?

According to the books? Yep. Mal has never had eyes for any girl that isn’t Alina, and that’s something that started even when they were still living at the orphanage, which he suppressed because, well hey, that’s his best friend, he can’t be like that towards her. And when Alina asks him the question I had, which was whether their bond had been falsely forged by the amplifier inside him, the two of them end up having a very sweet conversation about all the human reasons why they love each other regardless of that magnetic draw.

Does Mal have some growing up to do? Oh, hell yes. But so does Alina. And like it or not (and I know where you are on this, mate), I think they’re a couple who have the foundation and moreover the willingness to grow together. To weather those shitty arguments and those periods of maturation. Because they both care deeply for one another, and they share common interests and goals in the endgame, which lend them a common purpose beyond twu wuv.

I haven’t forgotten all those other aspects of Alina and this ending which I brushed off--not just her powers, but her prestige. How can I so quickly go from “wtf is this ending” to “nah you know what I’m happy for them”?

Enter Ilya Morozova. Him and his obsessive, ultimate love of “ordinary” people, the characters that we readers on a meta level are somewhat trained to disregard and to hope our protagonist ascends well past. I agree with what Alina posits on (of all pages) pg 394; Morozova probably did expect the amplifiers to be united by a Grisha older than memories of memory. And that would be because it would mean they could rest at long last.

More of this is coming into focus as I sit here and write. Of course Ilya Morozova never finished what he started. He wanted to. Baghra knew him well enough to get that right. But she didn’t understand his love of otkazat’sya, be it his wife or his daughter, even if she pays lip service to believing he felt it for them. She doesn’t understand that feeling her father had because she never felt anything of the sort for them, and why would she after all the persecution, after seeing her father and sister thrown into the sea?

Baghra understood that he wanted to finish his project. What she failed to realize was that it was not about creating the amplifiers. It was about uniting them. And how could this man do that to his daughter, or her child, or her grandchild? How long before he took his life rather than contemplate this non-choice, I wonder?

Morozova wanted a world where he and his wife would understand each other, where his family would not be cast out by the village. Hence the amplifiers. Hence their ultimate effect. Baghra’s Grisha gift, if you think about it, almost feels like a Newton’s Third Law situation: the darkness brought into being to counteract the newly created light. Balance, as the Darkling would constantly harp on about. But balance is a regular diurnal cycle. Neither Fold nor weird merzost angels (which never happened, boo). I wonder whether any Sun Summoners will have Darkling children. Balance.

I’m veering off my intended track here: by uniting the amplifiers, Alina at once loses her gift and grants Sun Summoning to what’s described as being all the otkazat’sya in range. I don’t think that ended up eliminating the concept of otkazat’sya, unfortunately, but it does two things:

it levels the playing field and likely kicks open the door to Grisha becoming citizens (because how are otkazat’sya supposed to argue that they’re abominations or whatever when the gift can just randomly get flung onto you well past the standard age? actually don’t answer that im sure humans can find a way)

it sets Alina free

I feel like that second one is going to cause Objections, but refer to earlier when I mentioned she was trapped between the two extremes. Saltwife or queen. And while she’s spent three books psyching up to ascending some form of throne or another, she still... really doesn’t want it. And that? Matters.

To throw down a kind of low blow here, I’m linking a post you enthusiastically reblogged about a young person who, when told they can be anything they want to be, confidently replies they want to be a secretary. Not a CEO, not a scientist, not a lawyer, not a doctor. A secretary.

Alina visibly misses several things over the course of this series. Occasionally it’s cartography. Often, it’s Mal. But mostly, and despite all the trauma that she endured there, she misses her childhood home at Keramzin. I didn’t realize until the ending just how many of her thoughts stray back to the Duke’s house, to lessons from Ana Kuya, to the grounds and the rooms. It may not have been particularly happy, but Alina’s childhood was important to her. And the fact that it wasn’t happy shapes her motivation as she looks to the future, once there’s a future to be had.

Of course it isn’t something she ever considers in the series, but then again, when would she have had the opportunity to imagine taking over the orphanage? She was the weakest link in the regiment, then training to be the Most Important Grisha, then preparing for all-out war with the Most Dangerous Grisha, then preparing to be a Queen while maintaining appearances as a Saint. She wasn’t really allowed to have her own idea of her future at any point (that I can recall--my brain is still very fuzzy on book one), and the few times that she’s fleeing all these responsibilities, it’s to do nothing more specific than live with Mal, because to survive is all she dare dream of doing.

Other people want her to be a queen. Including us readers, because it would be a satisfying end to her arc. But, at the end of it all, I think she really doesn’t want to be a queen. And if it weren’t for how the power is so intimately tied to her life force that not using it makes her sickly, I get the sense she would give up the Grisha gift as well. Of course she misses it once it’s gone, because using Grisha power feels good and encourages further use. It’s self-fulfilling. But it was something that kept her separated from her favorite person (because like it or not Mal sure is that for her), and that made her unhappy.

Sure, we want stories that encourage girls to do what’s best for them and not just to settle for whatever gross man just because. But I think enough happens with Alina where settling down with Mal isn’t, in her case, “settling.” Girl had options. She also knew what made her happy. In the end? No accounting for taste.

#rip in pieces our friendship tara #jk i hope #grisha spoilers #long post

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