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quirklessidiot · 3 years

Text

aoba johsai’s sport’s journalist (h/c’s)

just crack+ fluff + platonic-ish relationship (gn!y/n) (w: language!) a/n: this has been bugging me for awhile now since i havent seen headcanons of this yet (if their are do send them on my ask box) and since im on a slump, i decided to write this down. this is completely fun, easy-going, and self-indulgent, really perfect for someone stuck on a slump ksks. idk if i should make some for the other schools but oh welp enjoy! happy 900 btw werkwerk uwu so weird to reach this when im not even very active.

Now let’s be honest here, it’s no surprise that the volleyball team of aoba johsai has their own sports journalist. Like, c’mon, they’re one of the best in the prefecture.

But let’s start with the basics here, shall we? Let’s start with you, how this all goes through, and how you got into this heaping pile of mess.

Yep, you.

There you were in high hopes to get into journalism for college so what better way was it than to apply for the school paper? It would definitely look good and pretty in those college applications *chef’s kiss* you’re a second year btw idk if that matters but yeah..

Much to your surprise no one was applying for the news section which was kind of sad since you wanted a buddy there.

but-but it turns out though everyone was applying for the sports section completely understandable, next to feature, it was the most exciting thing to write because there was going to be a special section and writer for the volleyball team.

You knew that volleyball was kind of a big thing around your school?? you just didn’t expect it to amass like that much people.

The editor in chief is obviously surprised, you were the first person on that day to come in there and actually apply for something else.

and guess where that led you to?

Yep, the sport’s section, specifically the volleyball team’s personal sports journalist. Your brain goes brrt brrt because you were not a sports writer at all and you were, ironically, scared of ball games.

VOLLEYBALL WAS COMPLETELY NEW TERRITORY FOR YOU.

Your editor in chief laughs it off and says, “you’ll do fine… its like news bUT SPORTS! IT’LL DEFINITELY LOOK GOOD IN YOUR APPLICATIONS!”

You’re not sure if you should be terrified or terrified?

It doesn’t help that on the first day when you enter the gym you look terribly constipated and panicking a lot because of all the stray balls being spiked and tossed around.

It also didn’t help that you crash course the terminologies and the member’s name a night before and you were just running on iced coffee that day.

Yeah, way to make a first impression, huh?

When you approach the coach, you’re not exactly sure what to say and you were this close to chickening out until you saw one of the players come up to you and ask if you were alright and if you wanted to talk to oikawa.

you’re loading for a second there.

and the poor guy who asks you if you were alright, starts looking actually worried because you weren’t responding at all.

“OH, oH IS THAT THE CAPTAIN?”

the guy literally looks very confused?? because what kind of rock were you living under that you didn’t know Oikawa???

so you go ahead and introduce yourself and say that your name was Y/N and you were the new sports journalist for the team.

“....soooo you write?”

“...”

at this point on, you’re also confused too

and idk man, first impressions do indeed last because you ended up (unknowingly) sharing the same brain cell with Matsukawa Issei.

you both were just confused there, straight up looking like two kids who got left behind by their mom in the grocery check-out line.

anyways...

He tells you the team’s pretty chill and you should stop looking like they spiked a ball on your puppy or something.

Basically introduces you to the whole team after,

no questions asked, just go with the flow.

You basically just click and vibe???

Not only because you crash coursed and related to whatever they said,

you literally all shared the same brain cell together.

Kentaro was another story though, kid basically hated your guts at first, it felt like if you were to say one sentence to him that day, he’d literally spike a ball at your direction.

“we’re basically the same year tho :(” -Y/N

“lmao well do i’ve got news for you, y/n-chan.” - Oikawa and basically everyone on the team.

you gradually start to understand the coolness of the sport since you had to incorporate visiting them once or twice a week during practice.

but suddenly it becomes almost a daily routine after a month because they’re just really friendly people??

like wow, they’re all friendly giants.

You’re literally just there to write about them but they’re really patient and kind, they even invite you to practice games so that you could practice out your skills in writing since you mentioned that you’ve never written for sports yet.

they even give you some added key terms that aren’t found in books and online.

you’re def closest to iwaizumi and matsukawa.

iwaizumi because he makes really funny fish jokes about oikawa (yes you arent supposed to be laughing but man theyre funny af, oikawa would usually call you and iwa corny because the jokes aren’t even that funny) and yes its canon that whenever iwaizumi sees an oikawa fish in textbooks, he starts laughing and joking about it.

no explanation needed why you ended up being close to matsukawa.

its obvious after that first meeting ya both would be besties.

same brain cell bros go brrt brrt.

incredibly!! supportive!! I CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH

like when you release a new write up about them, Oikawa would usually go, “It’s such an honor to be apart of your first steps, can you sign this?”

dramatic but hella supportive, we stan the gr8 king

“oh, wow, i thought you said you didn’t write before? how come you sound like a professional already?” - Hanamaki

another dramatic best boi.

akira + kindaichi getting shy because they’ve never experienced this yet. So whenever you try to interview them about stats or something for a special issue, they usually end up a stuttering mess

“w-well, L/N-san...”

kentaro slowly warming up to you but still looks like he wants to spike a volleyball at your face 90% of the time but unlike before you’re used to his whole thing already.

“Move, extra.”

“You were great, by the way. That was a powerful spike!”

you may or may not be included in random ramen nights with the team

yes, oikawa buys you your own bowl of ramen

itadakimasu.

he doesn’t mind tho, he really loves how you write them.

so its sort of a thank you for giving the team justice when you write about them.

team says you’re technically part of the team so they make you your own jersey. Now when you watch your games people ask if you’re like the manager or smthng.

“ no :’) “

When they lost against shiratorizawa and karasuno, you were bawling too like you were apart of the team.

this pretty much cheered everyone up despite the loss because your crying face was apparently very funny and memable.

oh right, your article was passed on to the town’s newspaper

it was literally like 7 am on a saturday and your notifs went zoop.

they added you to their group chat and spammed you with pictures of the articles that you wrote.

“...wOW I CAN’T BELIEVE IT?? YOU GOT FRONT PAGE FOR SPORTS???” -Oikawa

“we didn’t even win the tournament but we still get a feature?? thats so cool?? holy shit?? CONGRATS KSKSKS” -matsukawa

lmao idk matsukawa looks like a keyboard smasher tbh idk why

pretty much its normal for you to even start hanging out already outside of the court and after practice to get steam buns.

more chaotic mess and clumsy you running around.

your volleyball sports writing experience wouldn’t be complete until someone accidentally spikes a ball at the back of your head amaright?

ironically, it’s yahaba who does that to you. poor smoll bean.

“wow, you’re dumb.” -kentaro says to you

“ :’)” -you.

“y/N-SAN I SWEAR IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.” -yahaba

overall, you found yourself in a safe haven with the volleyball team and yes, you also cried when the third years graduated.

the third years have a picture with everyone on the team + you with a very red face from all the crying?? once again, you’ve proven yourself to be a meme.

continued to write for them up until graduation.

and its def obvious you kept in touch with all of them after, duh.

#haikyuu!!#haikyū!!#haikyuu imagines #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu aoba johsai #haikyuu scenarios #aoba johsai x reader #haikyu headcanons #haikyu scenarios

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glowstickhaloboy · 6 years

Text

part 2 of that au where lance is a night vision mermaid

hi im back

link to part 1

the next night, keith is waiting when lance sneaks up to the surface. who knows how long hes been sitting on that rock, but he looks massively bored as lance comes out of the water. then he all but lights up. “you came back.”

lance tilts his head to the side. “stop saying things that will ruin my reputation.”

“i didnt know if you would. i thought i might have been c-”

“did you tell anyone about this?” asks lance.

keith shakes his head, shuffles to the very edge of the rock. “no one. please tell me your name.”

“first,” says lance, “i need to know something. why are you out here? you said you were after knowledge, but for what purposes?”

“what do you mean?”

“what kind of knowledge?”

“anything,” keith breathes, leaning closer. the moonlight shines in his eyes and hair. hes so dry, yet he glows. “everything.”

“and what do you plan to do with it?”

again, that question stumps keith. he sits back on his feet. “i...”

so far, this is going well.

“i’ll tell you,” lance asserts, puffing himself up to his full impressiveness. “nothing. youre going to do nothing with this knowledge except keep it for yourself. any secret i trust you with is meant for you, not your animalistic human world. no publications, no research teams, no clamoring for more evidence to build an arsenal of strategy against my people. and, as always, i decide that if i no longer trust you, i get to drown you.”

keith’s throat bobs at that last statement, but it seems bravery has a furnished home inside his chest. he nods. “i wont betray you,” he says. “not even to my team, if you dont want.”

“no, not even your team. you’ll have to come up with excuses for them.”

keith nods again.

“and one more thing,” lance continues. “i dont think its fair that these secrets are free. youre cute, but youre not that cute. so, heres how itll work: you tell me something about you, and i’ll tell you something about me, and when you get tired or the sun starts to come up, i’ll go back under the surface and we’ll meet again when it gets dark. does midnight sound fair?”

keith begins to nod another time, but stops himself. “hold on,” he says. “will you tell me the truth? i have no way of knowing.”

“of course,” says lance. “mermaids cant lie.”

skeptical, keith narrows his eyes, the cogs visibly turning in his head.

lance snorts. “yeah, that wasnt true. but,” he says, drawing close enough that he could drop his voice to a murmur, “i have no reason to lie to you if i know you arent going to tell anyone else.”

keith accepts this. “can i ask questions if i want to know something specific?”

“yes.”

“okay,” says keith. “you said i go first, so what do you want to know about me?”

“what,” says lance, “is it like to walk on those ungodly tools you call legs???”

keith pulls his knee up to his chest. “this? it’s like... well, its different from swimming. ive been swimming before but, uh,, still had to use these to do it, so i dont really know how to describe it. its like... walking?”

“you,” lance says flatly, “are not the most intellectually evolved of your species, are you?”

“i hunt mermaids for a living because i cant get a real job.”

“can i feel it?”

“what?”

“can i feel your leg?”

if this is a weird request, it cannot possibly be weirder than the event of meeting a mermaid, so keith is unfazed by it. “yeah, sure.”

he sticks his leg out over the water. lance is, at first, a little intimidated by the straightness and inflexibility of it, but eventually he decides that it is basically like a bigger, stronger arm and that humans are very weird. satisfied, he and keith both withdraw.

“okay,” says keith, with the air of somebody about to do something very important after an absurdly long amount of waiting. “what is your name?”

lance smiles. “lance.”

it’s like lance has applied salve to a wound. keith closes his eyes and breathes out through his nose. his shoulders relax. “youre real,” he says, like he just found this out.

“gee, you sure know how to flatter a fish.”

but it starts the conversation. keith tells lance about the practice of cryptozoology and lance tells keith about ocean-bottom culture. keith talks about growing up and going to school, and lance talks about being raised by a family bigger than keith could imagine and learning to provide for each other. keith explains war and lance explains peace.

from there, they go on to ask more personal questions. who is hunk and why would he be upset if he knew you were here? what made you so fascinated with mermaids that you decided to vacation on a rock? keiths eyelids start to droop. lance is getting a little fatigued himself. this conversation is putting even his talking skills to the test, and keiths throat has gone scratchy. its nice. theyre both relaxed. lance becomes aware of how completely comfortable he is.

“its late,” lance says at last. “you dont want your friends to wake and catch you out of your reef. er, bed?”

keith has this look in his eye like hes worried to let lance go in case he doesnt come back.

lance yawns and says, “midnight.”

then he dives under the water.

its strange to think about, but being fully submerged again feels weird after having his head sticking out into the air for four hours. the water is warm on his face. he cant wait to get back to his reef and crash.

except hunk is waiting for him there.

“dude,” he says. “where’ve you been?”

lance’s heart does backflips. WHAT DOES HE SAY?

“hunk,” he says. “you’re here!”

“yeah,” says hunk.

lance tries again for better wording. “what are you doing here?”

“looking for you?? at your house????”

and lance is like, well im fucked.

“i was out,” he hedges. “with, uh, someone.”

“lance, if that were true, you would be over the moon right now and i would have known about it for days because you would never have shut up about it!”

“thats not true! and besides, i wasnt with him like that. well, maybe i was, i dont know... im kind of confused about it.”

“really? you wanna talk about it?”

no.

he doesnt have to fake a yawn. “actually, buddy, i would, but i am super beat. i’ll tell you all about him when i know whats going on. oh, was there something you wanted?”

“just checking in on you. you havent tried sneaking back up to the surface have you?”

“why would you ask me that?”

“because your brain is the ocean’s strongest magnet for horrible ideas.”

“well thanks,” says lance, a little colder than he otherwise would have been. “and i’ll have you know that i have not been to the surface. it’s totally overrated. who’d want to be walking up there on a pair of lame, clunky legs? goodnight, buddy.”

hunk leaves lance to his rest.

and the next night, keith looks different. hes in shorts, the lunatic, with no shirt on and a towel draped around his shoulders.

“what are you doing?” asks lance.

keith merely grunts and slides into the water. he takes a few shuddering breaths and paddles closer to lance.

“i wanted to,” says keith. he holds out an arm. under the waves, lance can feel his clumsy feet kicking and kicking and kicking.

“you know how far down the sea floor is, dont you?” asks lance.

keith says, “im not stupid. i’ll get back on the rock if my legs get tired.”

Legs, Lance thinks with contempt.

“well,” he says, “if youre getting that close, i want to be able to touch you.”

“why do you think i did this?”

and its a great idea until it isnt. it starts off with lance feeling like someone is taking a big risk to be close to him, and his heart tries for a complicated swelling motion before lance manually tamps it down again. he looks at keith’s face and instead of seeing a face which happens to be clearly human, he sees all the fragile features that make it human, and an overwhelming need to protect their delicacy suddenly rises in him.

what simultaneously rises is a wave so strong that it folds over keith and drags him under the water.

lance’s instincts take control. like lightning, he dives under the water, snatches keith’s arm, and drags him back up to his rock, where he sets him and retreats. keith coughs up water, shaking, and reaches for his towel.

“are you alright?” asks lance.

“you saved me,” says keith, like he cant believe it.

“well, yeah.”

unexpectedly, keith grins at him. “i thought i was just a boring human,” he says. “thought you didnt care if i drowned.”

lance feels an alien heat rise in his cheeks. is the above-surface air getting to him?

“i said i would be the one to drown you,” he argues. “i think thats enough for tonight. i’ll see you tomorrow.”

keiths mouth falls open in protest, but before he can say anything else, lance disappears. he doesnt stop swimming until hes back down at his reef, and even then he feels like the whole ocean can hear his heart hammering. he had saved keith. why had he done that? because he wasnt a bad person, obviously. he wasnt going to just stand by and watch an innocent man die.

but there was something deeper. something that he could not explain and therefore elected to ignore.

#klance #klance au #fic #lance mcclain #keith kogane #voltron #v:ld #mermaid au #i havent proofread it because its been sitting here for 1000 years so DEAL w/ it

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bwicblog · 7 years

Text

SA: i have never seen a small troll so happy in my life.

SA: I bought them ice cream.

TT: what flavor TT: if you say smTh like vanilla you are going To a(\/)Tually die

SA: why do you hate vanilla so much?

SA: I bought them what they liked best.

SA: it was butter pecan.

ID: guess what chat, i'm bored and bitchy so someone should give me a reason not to be.

ID: or a reason to be more bitchy. that works too.

DD: i think i would prefer to give you a reason to be less bitchy

DD: and in light of that it might be worth asking what you are feeling bitchy about!

DD: you can think of it as talking about your problems but also lets be real gossip is fun and bitching about yout bitchy feelings is cathartic

ID: pff well at least you're honest about why you're concerned. =:P i'm just bitchy because of some stuff that happened that i'm not about to share on the chat. for fear of the wrong eyes seeing.

ID: so sorry, no gossip!

DD: well thats unfortunate clearly i have no reason to keep talking to you DD: im joking of course i am sorry that bad things happened the fun part of gossip is getting together with friends to trash talk the people you dislike not the nature of the suffering itself DD: in the end it is my overall preference that my friends do not feel shitty DD: and as we have totally established we are at least on the first tier of friendship >:D

ID: you a trash talking pro then there daz? =:P i'll have to remember not to upset you. so you can't drag my good name through the mud.

ID: the first step of a long climb, you gotta be dedicated to this friendship.

DD: well okay to be honest i am not usually the one doing the trash talking unless it is in respect to my mechanical equipment some of which has developed an attitude as a result of the artificial intelligence frames i have installed to assist me with my work but that is more affectionate trashtalking like one might perform when calling their pet cuttlefish fat DD: mostly it is my friend trash talking but when i have issues i have to acknowledge usually it is me messing up like it was earlier with prisma and in those cases i just kind of go be by myself a bit because trash talking is fun but me crying to someone is significantly less so

DD: and of course i am dedicated or well as dedicated as i have reason to be which is to say you are fun to talk to and i can see myself doing so for the forseeable future but i am afraid i am not yet ready to lay down my life for you no matter how much colorful claw varnish you introduce me to

ID: man can you type. or is this a talk to text program. either way you're fast. and wordy.

ID: not saying its bad.

ID: before you get offended.

DD: i type very quickly but i am told i talk very quickly as well it is sometimes a problem but unfortunately i have a hard time telling when it is appropriate to stop because really i want to say all of the things that are relevant and i think theyre all important DD: also i am not offended dont worry you are only saying the truth

ID: and you should trash talk more, it's great.

DD: i dont really have anybody to trash talk though!

DD: except maybe the people on team jaycob

DD: they have awful taste that is quite worthy of trashing

ID: so far i don't think we've seen any of them around.

DD: the problem remains! 😦

DD: to clarify that is a sarcastic smiley i am not actually that torn up over the issue of not having a fight to pick with people and i am afraid i have been coming of as sufficiently ditzy lately that that may be unclear

ID: hahah, well. if it makes you feel better chat rooms are hard to guage that sort of shit.

ID: though some people put /s at the end of sarcastic remarks to indicate sarcasm.

DD: i feel like thats a little bit too on the nose sometimes

ID: also the colorful claw varnish is the best and you're really missing out by not going out and purchasing some that changes color.

DD: but its still probably better than a long paragraph explaining my intentions so i will keep it in mind!

ID: it's hella fun to run under different temperatured water.

ID: just use it when you reallllyyyy don't want someone to get offended.

DD: and oh dear well that is what we are going shopping for later isnt it! DD: there is not very much of anything at all to buy here in such a small town though admittedly the local burgers are delicious and its always more fun to buy that sort of thing in person with friends than just ordering it online for drone delivery

ID: because when they're already het up a long explanation can make it worse.

DD: why would people be offended?

ID: also yeah you probably went to the same burger place as i did with gliese and they had some fantastic burgers.

ID: because it can come off as...

ID: what's the word.

ID: that means you're talking down to a troll because you think they're dumb.

DD: condescending!

ID: that.

DD: and oh dear that makes sense DD: i think that was the issue with my apology explanation earlier as well DD: i was worried that i might be misrepresenting myself and i did not want prisma to think i was acting out of malice but really it came off like i thought he was dumb

DD: that sucks 😦

ID: yeah, it's a slippery slope of being understood and coming off as a prick.

ID: slipperier for you since you're a fish.

DD: !!

DD: what do you mean

ID: ....look, you know how stereotypes work right.

ID: the biggest stereotype for a fish for us lowbloods is that every troll with fins is a jerk.

DD: i have had little experience with socializing with large numbers of people DD: i have had much experience with watching tv

DD: and oh dear

DD: ... i guess i knew that i just didnt really think about it or how it might apply to me

ID: yeahhh. see you're in a position where you can just. not apply things to yourself and be safe doing it.

ID: where us lowerbloods have to be more wary and careful.

ID: better to assume a highblood is gonna mess you up. rather than trust one and get fucked up. y'know?

DD: ... yeah

DD: that makes sense DD: D:

DD: ... do i maybe come off like a person that would mess somebody else up though like generally stereotypes aside

ID: well i mean.

ID: if you were really devoted.

ID: some fish like to play the long con.

DD: the long con??

DD: i mean i understand what you mean i just dont understand why that would be something that you might be concerned about somebody else doing

ID: ...because i like living.

ID: and am also maybe a little paranoid.

DD: hm! DD: i am just asking because i mean yes i understand that i am a seadweller and this means i am sturdier than most lowbloods but also there are other seadwellers fully capable of hurting me too both physically emotionally socially and financially and in fact i have recently narrowly escaped an assassination attempt but i suppose i still do not see that much reason to be consistently concerned about somebody playing a long con on me DD: thought maybe that is why somebody tried to cull me so you may have a point in that respect

ID: hahah why did they try to assassinate you...? =:/

ID: is that what happened to your horns.

DD: yes!

DD: and i suppose it is because i am one of the two chief executives of a very rapidly successful starship tech company and there are some issues with you know brand competition

DD: and resentment because the field thus far has been dominated primarily by long-standing memebers of it an i am fairly young as well as the issue that well

iD: oh. yeah. cut-throat business, they don't like the new fish muscling in on things. i get it. i mean it's shitty but i understand.

DD: one of the other recent entrants into the field of helmstechnology development is qpin and they are uniquely known for their ruthless competitiveness though of course i cant strictly say that they were behind it

DD: though my co-ceo says it was likely them because the queenpin is the head and she has a lot of trouble in terms of competitiveness on account of being a jadeblood

DD: but all of that is politics and i am afraid that i am not particularly great at it and i have no idea who it was

ID: ...also jeesh i guess i should have. expected you to be working on helm shit since you're at the helm station. i'm kinda glad you're not allowed to talk about what you're developing now.

ID: but congrats on not dying.

ID: or becoming too maimed to continue working.

ID: sorry about the horns though.

DD: thank you!!

DD: i appreciate your celebration of my narrow avoidance of death : P

DD: also what is wrong with as you phrased it helm shit?

DD: i will refrain from talking about it if it makes you uncomfortable but i am afraid i dont understand

ID: you're the only person who is apparently willing to chat tonight so i'm glad you survived long enough to chat. =:P

ID: i don't like helm shit. it's like.

ID: the text version of claws on a chalkboard for me.

DD: truly high accolades

SA: nobody asked if they wanted me in the chat :/

DD: and oh my goodness well i will keep that in mind

DD: umm

ID: pris! sorry, i assumed you were napping.

SA: i'm teasing.

DD: i think maybe the assumption was that you were not present on account of earlier hads said-

DD: oh

DD: oops

ID: =:P

ID: 💚

DD: 💜 >:D

DD: do you maybe have anything that you would like to trash talk about because we have recently arrived at the conclusion that it is a worthwhile endeavor but i have nobody to trash talk and hads is being very secretive about the source of his miffedness

ID: yeah pris, give us some trash talk. =:P

SA: oh.

SA: um.

SA: ...

SA: this is. rather hard.

DD: unless of course you would like to join hads in the club of secretiveness which i assume is alternatively titled the club of the subjects of the trash talking being potentially present in the chatroom at a later date?

SA: no, I have no secret salt. I have made most of it known.

ID: yeah pris is a pretty honest guy.

DD: oh in that case what is difficult?

SA: I do not tend to hold on to animosity for extreme periods of time.

SA: It takes energy I do not have.

SA: I would rather reserve it for stopping hadean from getting into a bonus fight after Ashley.

SA: let me think.

ID: =:PPPP

DD: oh dear DD: see that statement there sounds a little bit like salt though maybe perhaps not the sort that is meant to be a source of amusement

ID: i need a post-victory fight tho pris!

SA: i think that it's very stupid that high bloods become very offended when I enter their space.

SA: they can't stand the idea i have as much money as them.

SA: that is sufficiently salty.

DD: also i think i understand that i tend to not hold onto angry feelings for very long but i in general am a lot more inclined to be sad rather than mad

ID: i'll take it! that's some salt. fuck them for getting snooty.

DD: and i appreciate the pun there though i am not sure what you mean DD: i dont find you offensive to be around at all

ID: the stereotypical fish daz.

DD: oh this is about stereotypes again

SA: it must be hard to live life with such a fragile ego that because someone is well-tailored and capable of pulling several thousand out of their wallet in cash, you must threaten them as much as possible to feel powerful again.

ID: do i gotta punch someone for you pris?

SA: you do not need a post victory fight you need a post-victory ice cream and bandaids.

ID: =:PPPP

SA: also dazzle I am regularly somewhat salty at Hadean. it is the spice of our friendship.

DD: yes seconding hads though more in spirit of concern rather than desire to actually punch anybody what i mean is that it sounds like you recently had a bad experience

DD: is that why hads is the saltlick

SA: yes but taht's also because he's salty anyways.

SA: ❤

ID: is salt a spice now.

ID: 💚

DD: <3< ??

ID: what.

SA: i did not recently have one, no. It just happens when I leave the loft. I live in West Haven, which is majority high-bloods.

ID: no. definitely no.

DD: platonic spade i suppose but i cannot find it in blue

DD: or purple or green

SA: oh no. It's not like that at all.

SA: I thought salt was a spice... is something only a spice if it grows?

ID: idk.

ID: daz is salt a spice.

DD: i am going to say yes though mostly out of convenience for the sake of making puns and less because i actually know

SA: oh.

SA: well that's as good of an answer as any.

DD: although on the topic of growing i can at least say acid is often used to spice food underwater so

DD: there is at least that

SA: that sounds like. hell.

SA: but i suppose i won't judge i eat scorpions.

ID: ...how does. acid food taste...?

ID: does acid impart a flavor?

SA: is it citrus-y, dazzle

DD: that depends on the acid you use i suppose sometimes it is bitter and other times it is more sour and unfortunately i cannot tell you if it is citrusy on account of i have never had a citrus fruit though it does not taste much like orange candies if that helps

DD: also it is often used to cook food not just season it

ID: huh.

ID: weird.

SA: you should try an orange sometime. they are wonderful

DD: more weird than eating scorpions?? :{

DD: and apparently also squirrels

ID: i like berries the best out of fruit. but they're usually more expensive.

SA: I do not eat rodents.

ID: since they spoil quicker.

ID: i eat squirrels. =:P

SA: horrid.

ID: any port in a storm pris.

DD: i will have to try both oranges and berries in that case maybe even a smoothie consisting of both 😄

SA: do not do that.

SA: Orange is a very particular flavor.

DD: i am taking this landdweller food thing step by step

DD: oh

DD: interesting

SA: citrus pairs well with other citrus.

ID: try orange juice.

ID: that's easy to find.

SA: lemon and lime, for example. Or Mango and orange.

SA: yes.

SA: orange juice.

ID: mango is a citrus? =:????

SA: ,...I always thought it was.

SA: "While both citrus and tropical fruits are grown in warm climates, citrus fruits refer specifically to the genus of flowering fruits in the Rutaceae family, which include oranges, grapefruits and lemons as well as certain other species and hybrids such as the pomelo, key lime and citron. Mango is not a citrus"

SA: now I'm mad at Hadean for telling me mango is not a citrus.

DD: i think i will just buy a pile of fruit

DD: and see which ones i enjoy

SA: and ruining sweeps of disbelief.

ID: ...i mean. mangos are too sweet for a citrus.

ID: was my logic.

SA: are... are oranges not sweet to you.

ID: not as sweet as a mango!

ID: oranges have that citrus taste!

SA: make sure you learn how to prepare them, Dazzle.

DD: you mean you cant eat them raw??

ID: yeah but some of them you don't eat the outsides.

ID: like citrus fruits.

DD: maybe i can go to a fruit restaurant

SA: just putting a mango in your mouthi s not the most brilliant idea.

ID: but you can eat the outside of a mango can't you?

SA: no.

SA: you also can't eat the outside of a banana.

SA: or.

SA: You can but it will make you very sad.

SA: I learned this the hard way.

SA: It was unfortunate.

ID: 'Answer: Although the pit of a mango isn't considered edible, some people do eat the mango skin. The skin is bitter-tasting, but the peel contains several healthful chemical compounds, including powerful antioxidants mangiferin, norathyriol, and resveratrol.'

ID: i have no idea what any of those words mean.

SA: so the short version is it will make you sad.

SA: healthy.

SA :but sad.

DD: i need to be healthier i think but i do not want to be more sad

DD: but maybe the health will be making up for it because honestly most of my sadness as of late has come from my health

SA: are you of poor constitution?

ID: i'll be honest and admit i've never eaten a mango. so i was guessing on eating the skin.

DD: not usually!!!

DD: i am just

ID; adjusting to being on land?

DD: not used to living on the land and everything is very dry and my gills hurt a lot and everything tastes weird so i am also hungry all the time

DD: and also everything is very hot

SA: you would probably be happier in a bay area.

SA: why they let you move to a desert

SA: Is beyond me.

ID: because of the station pris.

SA: yes, but... why put it there.

ID: close to a lowblood settlement.

DD: because it is a remote location where i am unlikely to be found again by the person who previously attempted to assassinate me and also because there is a psionic training station that is located in the area on account of it being a lowblood locale with a high psionic concentration

SA: oh so abducting.

DD: and that is very useful for my research

ID: easy to lure them away from a shitty town to be experimented on.

DD: i mean i am

DD: unsure i would phrase it that way

DD: ... the luring not the town thing the town is pretty shitty

ID: good thing i did it for you.

DD: oh dear

ID: you're poor and life sucks and maybe your lusus is dead and you're scared.

ID: some highblood offering you candy if you come to his station sounds pretty good.

DD: actually i believe most of the recruiting is done through online means

SA: a more polite way of saying it would be that it is often easier to accept being an pet and know you are cared for than it is to be free and struggle.

ID: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ my point remains.

DD: and the payment tends to be in caegars and i know that is not what you mean i simply think you maybe are not representing it very accurately

ID: it's still sucky to do.

ID: most of those trolls have to choose between that and death.

DD: i mean it is also kind of sucky to work public service at a cafe but

ID: ...i mean a cafe doesn't screw things in to you.

SA: being a living experiment and test subject is very different from being subject to a screaming indigo about how their latte was not enough foam.

ID: you can leave a shitty cafe job.

SA: ...do they foam lattes...

SA: I dont know.

SA: I have the all the time, and I have never thought about it.

ID: and you're probably less likely to die in a cafe job.

ID: or fry your psi.

ID: and probably get culled for that.

DD: well i mean first of all the only test subjects are the two cerulean trolls i believe and also the people that volunteer to help me out but that part is not mandatory the main purpose of this station is to prepare trolls that have been conscripted for helmservice for an easier transition upon ascension and also accept anybody that would like to volunteer for the service without conscription not

DD: testing things really

ID: yeah well i bet if you asked a lot of wrigglers why they volunteered.

ID: you'd get a lot of 'i didn't have any other option' answers.

DD: hm

DD: i guess i do not know

SA: does it not

SA; unsettle you.

ID: you sure don't! but the first step is realizing you don't know.

SA: that our ships are using an archiac biotechnical method of power when we could built a technical system or a disocnnecting system for them.

SA: My pilot training used my inhibitor to join and disconnect me from a ship without hurting me in the slightest.

SA: and yet this isn't the norm.

ID: man you also hear those stories about them chopping a helms' fronds off.

ID: since they don't need them for anything.

DD: well as a starship technician i kind of have to argue your useage of the word archaic because the biotech we have developed is currently eons ahead of our purely mechanical methods of transportation which are heavily limited by both fuel systems and speed and also i am not sure that you are hearing accurate stories about limb removal that is definitely not a standard practice and would probably be actively detrimental to the process and helmsman adjustment and biowire integration DD: as would be constantly placing the pilot into painful situations upon connect and reconnect though maybe that may be the case withoutdated systems??? DD: the point of helmsman system design is to ensure a fluid and efficient connection

ID: ...huh.

ID: i mean tbh i never really paid attention to schoolfeeding about helms since. you gotta figure that stuff is just propaganda to make you think it's great.

DD: a decent amount of it probably is but that is the case with all fleet propaganda!! which is not necessarily a bad thing to be honest if you ask me personally because focusing on the negative aspects of a situation is never going to motivate anybody when you think about it regardless of what the job it

ID: i mean the ratio of cons to pros of some jobs are a lot easier to swallow than others. =:P

DD: that is very true DD: i would not want to be a garbage person i am not ashamed to admit this

ID: and i like walking.

DD: or a fighter like sipara i am fairly sturdy but i do not like being attacked

ID: if you could not tell by my adventurer lifestyle.

ID: and you can say that i can explore wayyyy more stuff in a ship but i'm pretty sure it is soooo not the same.

DD: haha yes that is true i suppose i do not consider it much considering i am both very fond of swimming over walking and also my experience on starships as a nonpsionic troll involves not very much walking anyways

DD: partially because i am stuck in my coon trying to adjust to orbit but also primarily because there is also not much room to walk

ID: ...i guess since i've already dived in to this ball of squick i might as well ask since you'd know best.

ID: does like. your kind of psi make you better or worse or not usable for a helm?

DD: yes very much so!

DD: there is a psionic ranking system of course in terms of the amount of raw power available but also the type of psionics make a difference for example cerulean psychics and indigos are not functional for ship powering at all and varieties among lowbloods that exhibit nonphysical properties such as clairvoyance are typically not high enough on the actual kinetic energy production to be able to power a ship with any efficiency as conversion to a useable power source is often very inefficient and also takes up energy in the process which rather defeats the point

DD: for example telekinetic type psionics tend to be the most effective for helming while more psychically oriented powers are not

SA: sometimes hybridization allows multifaceted psionics but it's also very rare in natural occurance.

SA: i can pilot a starfighter with my telekinesis as long as the ship and my inhibitor are programmed to allow the link through.

Sa: But an entire ship wuld be beyond me.

SA; and for the most part starfighters rely on a psion's ability to generate shields and manipulate other variables for a quicker reactions time, but not flight itself.

DD: there are also augments that assist with that!

ID: hahahah okay can this be enough helms talk now.

ID: i've exceeded my comfort zone.

DD: that is part of what the psionic training facility that i am part of helps with-

DD: oh dear my apologies

DD: i will stop!

SA: 😃

ID: i mean i asked so it's fine.

ID: just. new convo now plzkthx.

ID: ...i mean i should volunteer a new subject huh.

ID: pris did you have dinner?

ID: both of you for that matter.

ID: miss hungry because i don't eat.

SA: ...

SA: maybe.

ID: =>:I the ice cream you had earlier isn't dinner btw.

SA: i had a fruit salad.

DD: dinner??

DD: ...

DD: oh dear

DD: i am afraid i lost track of time

DD: i was going to say i did have dinner but that feels as though it was a long time ago and it occurs to me that that may have been dinner yesternight and it is possible that part of my discomfort with my health is because i am actually very hungry

ID: i'm gonna make you both set alarms to eat. =>:(

ID: a fruit salad and ice cream isn't enough for a night pris.

SA: mrmrm.

SA: I'll be back in a bit.

ID: if you get lonely while eating call sips' mobile and i'll steal it to vid chat. =:P

SA: well I may as well call it now then.

SA: i am.

SA: go find it.

ID: woofbesat, fetch. i see how it is. =:PPP

DD: i unfortunately tend to not notice my alarms it has been somewhat detrimental my friend used to ahve somebody come pull me away from my work and i thought it was sillybut now i am realizing it was probably very necessary

ID: get one of those bracelets that vibrate as an alarm.

ID: they might work better.

DD: but also that is my cue to go find food before i keel over and die so goodbye it was lovely talking to you and also that is a good idea i should find one of those

ID: ...damnit now the chat is empty again. =>:(

VC: Not quite.

VC: I'm taking a rrest on a courrierr trip, what's everryone else up to?

ID: uh i sent all the hungry skeletons off to eat because they all forget or think that a fruit salad is a meal.

ID: so they're doing that. and i'm just sitting here twiddling ym thumbs and watching pris eat on vid-chat on another mobile.

ID: ....is it rude to text someone while watching another troll in a vid chat.

SA: i'm talking.

SA: asshole.

SA: that. that wasn't serious

VC: Oh, I don't think I've met you before, SA.

SA: Hello.

SA: I am prisma.

ID: =:P i can multitask pris!

VC: I'm Cennef. And you and Hadean apparently know each other well, I take it?

ID: yeah we're buds.

ID: pris is cool, so be nice to him. =:P

SA: cennef. it's nice to meet you.

VC: He's yellow, what reason do I have to _not_ be civil?

VC: It's not like he's one of this room's silly highbloods.

VC: You seem well-mannerrred, so I agrree in turrn.

ID: he can speak kinda highblood-y sometimes but it was just how he was raised so don't pick on him. =:P

VC: Mannerrs and phrrassing of some things isn't an exclusive highblood trrait. I harrdly would.

VC: Pherrres talks like he's trrrying to sound cerrulean sometimes and that doesn't botherr me.

ID: i mean glad you understand that. some lowbloods get so offended when you use a 'highblood' term!

ID: like saying tub is gonna turn you blue.

VC: Ha. I may not carre forr highbloods, but - oh _rreally_

VC: Using theirr language isn't exactly a sin.

VC: That's rridiculous.

ID: you've never met a lowblood who got all snooty with you over it?

ID: the 'uhm, did you mean ABLUTION TRAP?' types?

VC: I suppose I have now that I think of it, but they arren't exactly trrolls I spent a lot of time arround.

VC: My ex quads werren't like that at all, norr arre any of my currrent frriends.

ID: wise move. there's having a grudge against highbloods and then there's overcull.

VC: I rreally only have a grrrudge against _one_ highblood, but I do lack fondness forr them in generral.

SA: i overcull teal bloods.

VC: Though perrhaps it might be prrrudent to stop talking about it in case any of them do come in.

SA: they have always patronized me.

SA: 😉

VC: Pfft, what

VC: I know you'rre joking, but I don't rreally get it

ID: hahah, it's a chat thing. we joke that teals are the worst because they're in the middle so they lash out more.

VC: Ohhhh

VC: To be honest, I have only met one tealblood outside of deliverries, which don't rreally count.

VC: He was...verrry odd.

ID: that's a tealblood for you.

VC: Well, he wasn't a lawtroll orr anything. He was some sorrt of perrforrmer.

ID: ...huh. was it the dumpster troll.

ID: ...do you know what i'm talking about. probably not.

VC: ...he cerrtainly _belonged_ in a dumpsterr but otherrwise no, I do not.

VC: Mine talked like some sorrt of flowerrry idiot and called himself barrd.

VC: Is that what this dumpsterr trroll did.

ID: yes!

VC: Oh my god.

SA: why is there a known dumpster dweller.

ID: he got ceruleans mad about historical bulge piercings.

SA; what dessert should I get?

VC: _Oh my god._

ID: and they threw him in a dumpster.

ID: ...the fluffy one.

VC: For once. I am on the bluebloods' side.

VC: _What is wrong with him._

VC: Correction.

VC: How many things arrre wrrong with him.

ID: and then he started dueling them in the dumpster.

VC: Though I'd probably be -

VC: _Highbloods._

ID: until someone came and rescued his hide.

ID: it was hilarious.

VC: That's completely rrridiculous.

ID: it was. but that made it hilarious.

ID: so what are you delivering...?

VC: Sorry, I was getting back on the road. I have my phone on talk-to-text now. It's some sorrrt of book collection for this olive.

ID: you're fine. how are you traveling? and that sounds. boring.

VC: Haha, I have no clue. They could be about stunning adventurrres, for all I know. I don't usually get told the details of what I deliverrr, unless they'rre imporrtant forr trransit.

VC: I rrride my lusus.

VC: She's not exactly a hoofbeast orr anything, but she can go at a decent pace with a trroll as small as I am.

ID: heyy a troll after my own pumper. though my lusus is a variety of hoofbeast.

VC: Ohh, what kind?

ID: antelope kind. but one of the big ones. he can carry me and my stuff no problem. and we have similar rocking racks.

VC: Pfft. Do you now.

VC: I have decently sized horns myself.

ID: about time. like this chat is mostly nubhorn central.

VC: I can prrrove I am not nubhorned.

VC: Ignorre the goofy exprression, this is just what I had on frrond. Also unforrrtunately I should pay attention to the terrrain now, it's getting rrough.

ID: huh. sorry i've not got an image right on hand to share. and i'm not in the prettiest shape for selfies, so you'll just have to take me at my word. =:P

VC: Haha

VC: Well I fully expect one laterrr

VC: But underrstandable - ow

VC: I rreally _should_ stop talking, dammit

ID: your lusus bad at navigating?

SA: the fluffy one

SA: that didn't tell me anything...

ID: point the camera at the menu for me.

SA: there...

ID: uhhh. the lemon tart thingy. since you said you like citrus.

SA: okay.

SA: delicious...

ID: you're welcome. =:P

#c:cennef #c:dazzle #c:hadean #c:prisma

1 note · View note

theconservativebrief · 5 years

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The best way to understand Troom Troom, the YouTube channel devoted to bizarre DIY tutorials, “hacks,” and “funny pranks,” is to spend multiple hours watching it until your brain turns into sprinkle-covered neon slime that can somehow also be used as lip gloss.

Because this is precisely the sort of thing that Troom Troom traffics in: do-it-yourself how-tos that no person could or should ever replicate. The most popular videos currently on the channel are tips on how to sneak food and makeup into class in laughably arduous ways: One suggests removing the glue from a glue stick and inserting a block of hard cheese into the container, while another recommends cutting an apple in half, using an Exact-O knife to remove the center, and then stuffing an eyeshadow palette inside. Of the apple!

Troom Troom is just one of many content factories of mysterious international origin that have gamed YouTube’s algorithm with bright, clickbait-y thumbnails and SEO keywords like “DIY,” “hack,” and “prank wars.” And to stand out from the thousands of other channels peddling the exact same service, they’ve turned to stranger and stranger content.

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That’s how you end up with a video that recently went viral on Twitter, featuring a woman cutting off a (very long) strand of her hair, trimming it down to less than half an inch, and attaching it to the end of a pencil to create an eyeshadow brush. This, produced by the equally wild YouTube channel 5-Minute Crafts, is apparently an easier way to apply eyeshadow than using one’s fingers.

And yet it’s working. 5-Minute Crafts currently has the fifth most subscribers of any YouTube channel, nearly 40 million. According to Social Blade, its total of more than 10 billion video views translates to anywhere between $2 million and $34 million in annual earnings (the discrepancy here is from the varying possibilities of cost per impression). It’s estimated that Troom Troom, which currently boasts nearly 10 million subscribers and almost 3 billion total views of its surreal, pastel-plastered videos, pulls in between about $500,000 and $8 million each year.

Not only are Troom Troom and 5-Minute Crafts wildly successful in their own right, but they’re also part of the growing network of reaction videos to cringe-inducing content on the site, creating a cycle that generates millions of views for the YouTubers who engage with it.

But creators I spoke to also expressed concerns about these types of channels, ranging from their clickbait-y strategies to plagiarism to manipulating children’s internet behavior. The DIY YouTube space may not be all rainbows and unicorns, even if its thumbnails are full of them.

Troom Troom’s essential weirdness doesn’t just come from its how-tos being absurdly useless. They’re weird because they are narrated by a voiceover actress with a perfect American accent speaking a kind of English that sounds like it’s been run through about three layers of Google Translate. They’re weird because they feature a rotating cast of very thin white women who are referred to by nicknames like “the Blue-Eyed Girl,” “Redhead,” “Mrs. Smith,” or “Dolly,” and weirder still because those identities sometimes switch among them. They’re weird because it’s impossible to tell whether the whole thing is satire or if it’s part of a malicious Russian cyberattack targeting the YouTube-obsessed children of the world (but more on that later).

Besides being odd in its content and tone, Troom Troom is also incredibly elusive. No one can agree on who makes the videos, who owns the company, where it’s based, and who is making money off it. But that elusiveness invites speculation, and internet detectives have managed to puzzle out a few key pieces: first, that the website is registered under the name Eugene Miroshnykov, and second, that many of the videos are likely filmed in Odessa, Ukraine, judging by the Ukrainian Cyrillic script on many of the products used and the locations tagged on Troom Troom’s Instagram.

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The identities of the actresses, too, have been largely exposed via their Instagram accounts. Most of them say they live in Odessa and are models and artists. The channel launched in 2015, and it’s clear from watching its earliest videos that Troom Troom began with standard DIY and didn’t reach its full weirdness — and biggest views — until about a year ago.

But there are still the requisite conspiracy theories: that Troom Troom is actually run by a millennial woman in San Francisco, or that the Troom Troom girls are being held against their will, forced to make weird DIY videos for ransom. Two media outlets that published stories on Troom Troom also failed to find out much else.

Which is why I was surprised when the email I sent to the address listed on Troom Troom’s YouTube page actually garnered a response. The sender’s name was indeed listed as Eugene Miroshnykov, confirming what I’d seen on Reddit, but after one back-and-forth, the name had been changed. To protect his anonymity — he expressed concerns about sleuths finding his phone number or other personal information — I agreed to refer to him by the nickname Zeon.

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Zeon told me that Troom Troom was actually started by a collective of professional artists “that wanted to do something fun.” Zeon is not among these founders — he says he was hired when the channel already had a million subscribers and described his job as a “salesperson.” Writers and directors are based in Europe and the US and brainstorm video ideas via Skype, and then execute them within their own team. He described the company structure as similar to a “holacracy,” in which there is no top-down management and the content is instead “the result of the collective mind.”

“We got inspiration from [the world of] DIY text and picture tutorials,” he wrote. “Most of our team [is made up of] professional artists, so they found usually all the tutorials in text form, but not in the videos. We tried to solve that issue. Firstly, it was more educational and serious videos that [were] fun. Currently, we try to mix entertainment with DIY value. We found that any video should entertain if you want to make an impact on the viewers and not just to get them bored.”

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This explains the heavy lifting that narration and plot serve in the average Troom Troom video — a “funny pranks” video is never just a list of pranks; it’s a story about how, say, “Dolly” sticks a plastic lizard into “Samantha’s” toothpaste and then replaces the inside of a lemon with a tennis ball. Later, Samantha gets back at Dolly by cutting out a hole in an iPhone case and placing it over a book so that it looks like Dolly’s phone literally burned through. The back-and-forth pranking only gets more complicated from there (I am not kidding).

Zeon says Troom Troom is independently owned, does not have any outside funding, and is profitable. “[It] has plans to grow, but the direction is currently confidential,” he adds. Zeon declined to connect me with the founders, nor did he provide any other details about his background or those of his co-workers, but I was easily able to find detailed Facebook and LinkedIn accounts that matched the name on his later emails, which leads me to believe that Zeon is, indeed, a real person.

The origins of 5-Minute Crafts are, for what it’s worth, far less mysterious. 5-Minute Crafts is owned by TheSoul Publishing, which says it produces an absolutely wild 1,500 videos a month, has 550 employees, and operates 40 Facebook pages in 10 languages. It owns mega-popular YouTube channels like Bright Side (animated videos that are a mix of riddles, facts, and “hacks”) and the 8 million-strong Facebook page You’re Gorgeous (your standard Facebook content farm content). Neither 5-Minute Crafts nor TheSoul Publishing responded to requests for an interview.

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Notably, TheSoul Publishing is also based in Eastern Europe. According to a 2017 Forbes piece, the company was founded by the Russia-based Pavel Radaev and Marat Mukhametov, both of whom have backgrounds in social media content. To answer the implicit question, unlike many viral Facebook posts that came out of Russia over the past few years, TheSoul Publishing’s content does not appear to be overtly political.

5-Minute Crafts has four times as many subscribers as Troom Troom, but it’s supported by a 550-employee business. This raises the still-unanswered question: How many people work for Troom Troom? The channel is able to publish a 10- to 15-minute video every day, which requires a relatively large team, not to mention lots of money. For the most part, how they’re able to pull it off remains unclear.

To understand the rise of peculiar DIY videos, you have to understand the rest of YouTube. Videos on the platform succeed largely based on how well they cater to popular SEO keywords, and if they create a sense of urgency in the title (which often means using all caps and a ton of exclamation points), and use a visually striking thumbnail image — that’s why you’ll see a lot of disembodied lips biting into a strange object.

“I started noticing these really distinct, super-saturated, photoshopped thumbnails showing up in my recommended videos feed last year,” says Cristine Rotenberg, the 30-year-old YouTuber behind the nail art channel Simply Nailogical, which has 6 million subscribers. “It’s really strange. It’s like a lot of channels realized around the same time that photoshopped pictures of putting things near mouths get a lot of clicks.”

Bizarre projects with bait-y thumbnails is a strategy that plenty of channels have embraced, but that other established crafting players have rejected. Nifty, the crafting vertical owned by BuzzFeed, has invested in projects that its audience requests and is interested in actually attempting (unlike, say, an incredibly complicated DIY to make a mini box of Altoids as a prank, as one Troom Troom video offers). On these “normal” crafting channels, for lack of a better term, you’ll find how-tos for things like fall porch decor, headboard making, and pumpkin carving with thumbnails that reveal the actual product.

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Erin Phraner, the supervising producer of Nifty, acknowledged the pressure that YouTube crafting channels face to game the algorithm and rely on bait-y titles. Nifty has also had its projects stolen by other craft channels. “It’s the reality of playing in that space,” Phraner says.

“Those types of thumbnails and titles and crazy hack projects definitely skew toward clickbait-y,” she adds. “But I think for us, our feeling is that you might see that pop up in the feed and click to watch it once because it seems kind of outlandish, but our whole business is we’re trying to build trust and create things that people actually want to bring into their home.”

“It’s like a lot of channels realized around the same time that photoshopped pictures of putting things near mouths get a lot of clicks”

For its part, YouTube says it’s already done the work of combating clickbait on the site. A YouTube spokesperson explained that since 2012, the algorithm has rewarded longer watch times over video clicks. So for instance, if users watch a video for a few seconds, realize it isn’t what they were expecting, and click out, that video wouldn’t show up in users’ feeds as often as one where viewers stuck around.

Plus, the term “clickbait” might not even apply when the actual tutorials on Troom Troom and 5-Minute Crafts are as wild as they are. Zeon explained that Troom Troom’s strategy is the opposite of Nifty’s — the videos are about entertainment, not service. And it’s their bizarro entertainment value that makes them perfectly suited to the current climate of cringe on YouTube, and commentary about that cringe.

“There’s so much unintentional humor in Troom Troom videos,” says Rotenberg of Simply Nailogical. “I could make Troom Troom parodies every week and laugh for the rest of my life.”

So far, she’s only made a few. In one, she attempts Troom Troom’s “20 banana hacks,” which include making a “banana holster” out of felt and painting a smile on a banana peel; in another, she tries some back-to-school pranks, such as putting hay in somebody’s backpack.

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Rotenberg’s videos are but a small sliver of the cottage industry that is the Troom Troom reaction video. Other popular creators like Danny Gonzalez, Cody Ko, and Jarvis Johnson have each garnered millions of views by satirizing Troom Troom and 5-Minute Crafts, using the standard YouTube reaction video format in which the host talks to the camera and reacts to clips from other videos.

It’s a cycle that’s lucrative for both the reactionaries and their targets. Johnson, who’s 26 and also has a full-time job working for Patreon in San Francisco, says that a reaction video he made about 5-Minute Crafts was a “huge catalyst” for growing his YouTube channel, which now has nearly half a million subscribers. Since then, he’s published a mini investigation on Troom Troom, as well as a video about the “dark side of Bright Side,” the sister channel to 5-Minute Crafts.

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He says that while on the surface these sorts of channels are pretty innocuous, he does share concerns about clickbait, plagiarism, and their large audience of children. But ultimately, his reaction videos started as a joke — or rather, an exercise in telling jokes. “I thought commentary videos were a brilliant vessel for comedic writing that also fit in with what YouTube’s algorithm promotes,” he explains. “I happened upon a 5-Minute Crafts video called ‘20 Tips If You Spend Your Life in Front of Computer.’ At the time, I felt like I’d struck internet gold because I didn’t see anyone else talking about their absurd hacks.”

Because that’s the thing: Troom Troom videos are incredibly ripe for parody. The joy in watching them is largely based on their obvious absurdity — the uncanny narration, the knockoff–Disney Channel set design, the outlandishness of the projects.

Troom Troom videos are arguably part of Cringe YouTube, the ever-expanding network of uncomfortable and earnest videos that encompasses TikTok compilations, Instagram comedians, and former Vine dudes with creepy hair, among others. It’s difficult to point to a YouTube video that isn’t a little cringey in its own way, but within Cringe YouTube, it isn’t just the original videos that get views — it’s the never-ending cycle of reactions and commentary. PewDiePie, the most-subscribed YouTube channel of all time, for example, has built a career on making fun of other YouTubers’ attempts at earnestness.

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On why the genre is so popular right now, Johnson guesses it’s because of “mystery, community, and the whole ‘so bad it’s good’ thing. If someone sees something super absurd and can share that with someone else, there’s a catharsis there.”

He also compares Troom Troom to a movie wildly considered to be one of the most unintentionally laughable films of all time. “As someone who is a die-hard fan of the Tommy Wiseau movie The Room, I see A LOT of similarities between The Room and Troom Troom,” he adds. “I feel like I should start a conspiracy theory about how Troom Troom is short for ‘The Room The Room.’”

“If someone sees something super absurd [on YouTube] and can share that with someone else, there’s a catharsis there”

And much like The Room, the question around Troom Troom, 5-Minute Crafts, and anyone who has ever made a bonkers video for the internet will always be the same: Are they in on the joke?

In the case of Troom Troom, it seems like the creators embrace the absurdity, even if it isn’t intentionally ironic. Zeon is aware of the intense, morbid fascination with the brand, and said that often, the “story creates the crafts,” meaning that at least some Troom Troom videos were not actually produced with the intent of teaching people how to make a thing — they’re just for fun.

But is weird DIY YouTube an exercise in satire? Probably not. And while there may not be an appetite for glue-stick cheese, there’s certainly an appetite for looking at it.

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Original Source -> YouTube is full of cringey, clickbait DIY channels. They’re even weirder than you think.

via The Conservative Brief

#IFTTT #The Conservative Brief

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recentnews18-blog · 5 years

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New Post has been published on https://shovelnews.com/youtube-is-full-of-cringey-clickbait-diy-channels-theyre-even-weirder-than-you-think/

YouTube is full of cringey, clickbait DIY channels. They're even weirder than you think.

youtube

Bizarre projects with bait-y thumbnails is a strategy that plenty of channels have embraced, but that other established crafting players have rejected. Nifty, the home vertical owned by BuzzFeed, has invested in projects that its audience requests and is interested in actually attempting (unlike, say, an incredibly complicated DIY to make a mini box of Altoids as a prank, as one Troom Troom video offers). On these “normal” crafting channels, for lack of a better term, you’ll find how-tos for things like fall porch decor, headboard making, and pumpkin carving with thumbnails that reveal the actual product.

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she attempts Troom Troom’s “20 banana hacks,” which include making a “banana holster” out of felt and painting a smile on a banana peel; in another, she tries some back-to-school pranks, such as putting hay in somebody’s backpack.

youtube

glue-stick cheese, there’s certainly an appetite for looking at it.

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Source: https://www.vox.com/the-goods/2018/11/12/18065662/troom-troom-5-minute-crafts-youtube-diy-prank

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vitalmindandbody · 6 years

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Carrier deal saves Indiana chores, but Trump pundits dread hazardous precedent

The generous taxation motivations offered in exchange for the Carrier plant preventing manufacturing employment opportunities in the US are unsustainable on a large scale, critics warn

Donald Trump has claimed an arrangement to keep 1,100 manufacturing jobs in Indiana from being shifted to Mexico would be a harbinger of copes to come and is proof that he could deliver on his daring expedition promises.

Companies are not going to leave the United States any more without repercussions, he told employees at the Carrier furnace and follower curl weed in Indianapolis. Its not going to happen. Its plainly not going to happen.

But pundits warned that the arrangement struck with Carrier which had planned to switch its operations at the bush to Mexico before Trumps intervention is unsustainable on a large scale and could set a hazardous precedent for companies go looking for charge concessions.

Trump was returning to public speaking for his first major appearing since his poll succes. He will begin a so-called thank you tour of key states where he acquired in November on Thursday evening in Ohio.

These companies arent going to be leaving any more. Theyre not going to be taking peoples hearts out, he said in Indianapolis. Theyre not going to be announcing, like they did at Carrier, that theyre closing up and theyre moving to Mexico.

Carriers mother firm United Engineering had planned to close the bush and shift production of about 1,400 enterprises from Indianapolis to Monterrey, Mexico, by 2019, along with a United Engineering mill in Huntington, Indiana, with 700 employees.

Under the new deal, Carrier will preserve 1,100 positions at the Indianapolis plant, where the highest-paid employee can make as much as $26 an hour, or $70,000 a year with overtime. Seth Martin, a spokesperson for Carrier, said that Indiana offered the air conditioning and furnace manufacturer$ 7m in tax motivations after peace negotiations with Trumps team, which covered multiple years, contingent upon factors including job, enterprise retention and capital investment, the Indianapolis Star reported.

The Huntingdon plant will still close.

On the stump, Trump campaigned aggressively for preserving and rebuilding manufacturing places to the United States, and promised to persuade Carrier to keep its operations in Indianapolis or penalise the company with penalties if they rejected. Trump had said he would foist a 35% tariff on corporations who exported runnings to countries where proletariat is cheaper.

On Thursday neither Trump or Pence expanded on the ambiguous details of the arrangement.

Donald Trump on a factory tour. Under the new deal, Carrier will obstruct 1,100 activities at the Indianapolis plant rather than changing them to Mexico. Photograph: Mike Segar/ Reuters

During his approximately 15 -minute observes, some of which jogged off course, Trump told his audience that his interest in the flowers fate was piqued by a bulletin segment peculiarity a Carrier employee who accepted Trump would save their jobs.

Vice-president elect Mike Pence, the outgoing governor of Indiana, who played a crucial role in shaping the treat, praised Trump for picking up the phone, for stopping his word and he called treat the opening up of a restored daytime for manufacturing in America.

When Donald Trump was moving for president he said that if he was elected president of the United States America would start acquiring again, Pence said. Well today, America won and “were having” Donald Trump to thank.

I got a feeling, operating beside this extraordinary boy, this is just the beginning.

While Trump notches up a victory for be conducted in conformity with awareness-raising campaigns predict before being affirmed in as chairperson, the impact is likely to be narrowly detected. Since 2000, Indiana has lost 150,000 manufacturing errands. Nationally, 5m manufacturing positions faded over the same period.

The White House on Thursday applauded the transaction but noted that it was small in scope and just comparable to the number of manufacturing jobs created at President Obama, which he applied at 804,000.

Thats obviously good news and an announcement that we would welcome, said White House press secretary Josh Earnest. But … Mr Trump would have to move 804 more proclamations just like that to equal the standard of jobs in the manufacturing sector that were created in this country under President Obamas watch.

Economist Paul Krugman said on Twitterthat Trump would have to negotiate a same enter into negotiations with manufacturing corporations every week for the next four years to restore merely 4% of the total US manufacturing places misplaced since 2000.

The deal outlined criticism from some Democrat, who said it set a hazardous instance that corporations can threaten to move runnings abroad and would be honored with tax concessions.

In an op-ed for the Washington Post on Wednesday, Senator Bernie Sanders, of Vermont, threw the president-elect for the utilization of tax breaks and incentives to rescue a small fraction of Indianas fabricating enterprises from being sending them to Mexico. Sanders, who railed against the countrys trade policies on the campaign trail, said Carrier parent corporation, United Engineering, took Trump hostage and won.

Just a short few months ago, Trump was guaranteed to pressure United Technology to pay a damn taxation, Sanders said. He was insisting on very steep tariffs for business like Carrier that left the United States and wanted to sell their foreign-made products back in the United States. Instead of a damn taxation, the company is likely to be reinforced with a damn charge section. Wow! Hows that for standing up to corporate greed?

Senator Sanders has thrown Trumps deal, saying the company took Trump hostage and won. Photograph: Phillip Faraone/ Getty Images

In a statement on Wednesday, Carrier said the incentives is proposed by Indiana were an important consideration in its decision.

This is all terrible for a people financial verve if ventures make decisions to satisfy legislators rather than customers and shareholders, James Pethokoukis, the DeWitt Wallace Fellow at the republican thinktank American Enterprise Institute, wrote in The Week Magazine. Yet Americas private sector has just been mailed a strong signal that playing ball with Trump might be part of what it now means to run an American firm.

Trump expressed after touring the factory with vice-president-elect Pence. Trump mentioned the machinery, rippling and twinkling thumbs up to employees who strung the industrial material pathway to captivate photos of the incoming chairwoman. Some wore his trademark ruby-red hats while others wore safarus T-shirts.

Trump basked the moment. He marched over to one employee named Mario and constricted “the mens” shoulders.

Turning to reporters, Trump said: Theyre going to have a good Christmas.