#this is why they make me miserable

[scr3wu9]

the tragedy of akiangel to me is that they were both independently doomed by the narrative before they even met. it’s not like only one of them was doomed and the other would have to live on alone, or their relationship to each other doomed them. they were always going to end up on the beach. in a universe where the events that led to that moment didn’t happen, they likely never would have met. THAT’S what makes them so tragic.

#i could yap about this for so long #in order for them to be happy they have to never meet #this is why they make me miserable #csm spoilers #csm #akiangel #aki hayakawa #angel devil #j yaps

[rated-r-for-grantaire]

Javert is NOT a rich white cop, he's a poor Romani man born inside a jail. When I first joined the Les Mis fandom about a decade ago I remember there were a lot of people who made Javert a rich white policeman. Which, hey, I do kinda get it, especially when you're contrasting Javert to characters like Valjean or Les Amis. I totally get why people would want that story to exist within Les Mis fanworks. But also, that is not Javert whatsoever. He's canonically half Romani, born in a prison.

Javert being a class traitor actually means so much more to the story than Javert being some random privileged asshole pig.

#les mis #les miserables #javert #and dear g-d dont even get me STARTED on why Black Valjean makes the most sense to me #this is an interpretation ive held for many many years ghdfljghafdgasf

[serialunaliver]

another thing I hate is when people say engaging with a persons delusions is bad because it validates the illness.

i'm not sure how to tell you this, but psychosis validates itself. delusions involve a lack of awareness that you're experiencing a delusion and others referring to the delusion as a delusion can create distrust. if someone is more content having others engage in symptoms like this in a positive way there's nothing wrong with it and it may make it easier to cope.

#literally fuuuuck that group therapy program that said I can't attend when I reject antipsychotics to get rid of my world #ITS BEEN DONE BEFORE AND I FELT SO MISERABLE I HAD NO DESIRE TO LIVE #I don't even think my world is a delusion this is justwhat doctors say #but i'm glad if people engage with it..Why does this make me bad?

[dreadark]

that ivan loves till is the most obvious thing about them

but. does ivan know that…?

the ivan that regards his own feelings as shallow, the ivan that learned how emotions are expressed only from copying others… does he even know that the love he’s felt for so long is love? probably not. and part of the reason is the one he loves himself

because the easiest example he has of love is till's feelings to mizi. till outright calls it love, and ivan watches him so much he has to be aware of this and till’s love to mizi is totally unselfish, right. he doesn’t seem to actually want much from her—just that she's still there and still "mizi"

but ivan can't be satisfied with just watching he… wants. ivan wants till’s attention, till’s affection—

surely this selfish wanting can’t be love

...no wonder he was never able to express his feelings straightforwardly when he belittles them so much but he can’t stand not having anything either, so he does… whatever he does instead to get any scraps of attention he can, from someone he's convinced doesn't care about him at all only showing affection when till can't see it, right until he knows he's going to die

but ivan's feelings for till are all he still has of himself... to think of them as shallow...

I've seen this translated as "I should've been kinder" to him (till) or to her (sua)

but really, the one he should've been kinder to was himself

#alien stage #alnst #alnst ivan #ivantill #i have a lot of thoughts on till -> mizi too but this is long enough #just attempting to rewrite my twt rambles more coherently #idk why i wrote this so dramatically tho... #'thank you for being the victim of my shallow emotions' is going to haunt me to my grave #ivan's character is just a careful balance between his natural freak nature and his extreme depths of self-loathing #making him the most miserable guy ever #...really once you realize so much of what went wrong is thanks to ivan just hating himself too much to even think of them as friends. well #c...can we bring him back... don't die like this..... #(also you know. with the implications of how 'pets' are treated #wanting someone physically must feel... even more wrong

[heartorbit]

just how can i protect your smile?

#you guys like yaoi? can i get you some yaoi #pjsk #prsk #project sekai #proseka #tsukasa tenma #rui kamishiro #ruikasa #AUUUUUGH. #this is what finally makes me actually draw riks. vocaloid autism #putting the link in the caption because NOBODY FUCKIGN TLAKS ABOUT SCISSORHANDS EVER WHERES THE HYPE I NEED HER. SONG OF THE DECADE(2009) #this song makes me incredibly normal. my bad. i saw the miume choreography when i was like 11 and my brain shifted #i wanted their outfits to look like mikus in the mv so bad. Fuck my life for that btw stupid fuckign frill trim. why did she have to slay #tried to think of smth other than butterflies for kasa but i have no brain and tbh i hope his life is miserable so its fine #me posting this only to tmblr and not twt because i fucking hate twt #im drawing more song covers that live in my mind palace so i'll pist them there all together. and maybe here all together. who give a shit. #emnn skeleton orchestra next and it will fix me #Good lord. sorry. Im so caught up posting this for no reason. Get me out of here #im supposed to have a lecture in 3 hours but post covid symptoms say otherwise. im so fucked #i have a cyberpunk dead boy wip with them but idk i dont like posting wips on here its like an archive. n i want to actually finish it #but dear lord rendering it with their stupid outfits. clutches my chest falls to the floor. AUUUUGH #wxs killing me killing me taking damage augh auugh aughg

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Up High!

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #lan wangji #'I'm going to truncate this episode' -> immediately draws a second comic about Xue Yang's arm getting ripped off #This was the original no.88 and i think i COULD have merged them but I rather reflect then fully re-do it. #The crushed up candy in XY's hand makes me miserable and melancholic. So I need to make it funny. #The callousness at the candy is so interesting to me. I think on some level he understands why #but he's equally disgusted by Xue Yang's actions at this point #WWX in general has *no* tolerance for twisted affections. 'Don't care if you fell in love. Get Better Asshole.' #Kind of a consistent motif in how he reacts to other peoples feelings of affection #maybe his own too? Later in this episode and ep4 we see him very conflicted about his own affections #god maybe he earnestly doesn't really understand affection in any form. This....this makes sense. #not even going to get into the yumeng sibling drama. That's prob the most affection he allows and even then....its a mess.

[imaybe5tupid]

Why bother? (Why bother?) It's gonna hurt me. (It's gonna hurt me.) It's gonna kill when- (Why bother!) -You desert me! (Gonna hurt me!)

Set after Nightmare. Laios is reminiscing and contemplating.

#laishuro #laios touden #i make a lot of jokes on here since part of the fun of this blog for me is limiting myself to only expressing ideas via drawings #as much as I can to try to see what I can try to convey in the limited time I have to draw each day which is sometimes like 15minutes #but laios idea of who shuro was to him and who he continues to be and how it ties into his own feelings of self worth and self hatred #not to mention being so thoroughly defined by having never been indulged before by the men in his life #are so compelling to me #and then of course you mix in toshiros own mind prisons #and their established dynamic of him begrudgingly putting up with him because he feels he has to and bc hes cursed with obedience #whilst laios genuinely thinks shuro does it because he likes it and likes laios because why else would anyone act like that #when everyone else in his life has not hesitated to Let Him Know #this is what is so fun about relationships like this…forever passing by each other’s true feelings like ships in the night #and on toshiros side umineko said it best People are riddles. They want someone else to solve their riddle #they live life wanting someone to solve the riddle that they are #the most difficult riddle in the world #without love the truth cannot be seen sighhhh many such cases #sometimes i get embarassed how deep i get for some of the characters in this series it really is that deep sometimes but not always #but WHATEVER #i never even engaged in or was interested in shipping the several years i read dunmeshi EXCEPT laishuro lol #which i sadistically wanted to stay one sided and miserable forever. I rarely get fed such genuinely fraught dynamics as their one in manga #so i became obsessed #and walked through the desert alone for 40 years and then checked in as anime started airing that other people ship this and gaf #and decided to unleash the jokes and ideas that my like 2 friend who like anime previously suffered alone as though they were jesus christ #now tho as much as I still enjoy tragedy and pain and emotional suffering I’ve let love and peace and requited fulfilled yaoi into my life #with laishuro. and its great! #my comics

[littlelightfish]

We alredy know what's Chilchuck's worst nightmare. What if I told you that it was canon?

His daughters have alredy been eaten. His wife was eaten too. His family are all dead. His worst nightmare has come truth. And he for sure feels like it's partially his fault, because it's the Winged Lion doing, yes, but who helped Laios get here? Chilchuck. And who's daughters and wife are now dead because of it? Chilchuck's. The suggestion of recreating them tells us that they've alredy been eaten. The way he says it makes it feel like it's too late. They're dead. Because of him. Of his actions. Of his job. The irony of it all is actually quite cruel. He makes a union so he can prevent bad things to happen to his race, to his family, and then, and he works at the union. And now, because of his job, he got them all killed.

He doesn't even know how his daughters are until way later, I don't even know if in the manga they send letters to him during the feast, because I know they don't go to said feast. So Chilchuck doesn't know if his girls are alright until, again, way later. We know they don't die because, well, there's this comic of them going to meet Laios, the new king. But if not for that, who could tell us they didn't die on the monster appearances? I can imagine that after the feast Chil went stright to check on them. Because he loves his daughters, and he cares for his wife. He sucks at communicating it, yes, but he does.

He doesn't want to risk his family's safety. But he, unknowingly, unwillingly, indirectly, did. He got them eaten by those demons because he helped his friends achieve his goal. Because he cared about Falin and wanted her to be human again. Because he cared about Laios and didn'twanted to see him loose his sister. Because he cared about Marcille, Senshi and Itsuzumi. He cares so much about everyone and wants to help everyone (in his own way), that he doesn't think that the result would, inevitably so, be the worst outcome for him. The one in wich work and private life get mixed together. His job as a member of Laios's party ended dragging his family in, despite his best efforts. His job ended up, not only endangering the whole word with demons, but his family. His four precious girls. It ended up almost killing them (probably it killed them for some time because getting eaten by those demons works wierd).

Worst part? He didn't have the time to be mourn over what he 100% sure thought was the complete loss of his family. He was in a hurry to survive himself, so he pushed those sad feelings and tried his best to help who he had left. Later on he finds out that the demons spitted out people. And he seems shocked with some kind of surprised relief.

He looks how everyone that got eaten was alive. And he can't quite either believe it nor understand it. He is really confused. So they didn't die? Are my daughters ok? Is my wife ok? Did everybody survived? Are they alive? He dares to hope that they're all ok and pulls into a box his feelings again, saving it up for when he has the time to be overwhelmed about this all. He has a feast, trying not to worry, but worried sick. Then he goes home and checks on them.

Give this poor man a break and a beer...

#do not. #make him miserable #make him suffer #because #he is a father and a husband and is worried sick about his family well-being all the time #they are why he acts like he does #why he tries to keep family and work in separate rooms #but he fails so catastrophically its almost comical #like #luckily they were alright #but its a miracle his hair doesn't turn white right away #maybe he writed a letter to his daughters during the prepararions for the feast #that would explain why he doesn't have a single white hair after this #but we'll say he disnt for the sake of angst #dungeon meshi #chilchuck #chilchuck tims #chilchuck angst #dunmeshi #dunmeshi angst #dungeon meshi angst #dungeon meshi spoilers #delicious in dungeon #if you want to write something about this #dm me the fic #i NEED TO SEE THE ANGST #@ me if you don't want to dm me but i might not see it because it would get lost in my notifs :( #my shit

[gayleafpool]

i think a big thing people get wrong w leafpool’s character is thinking her passivity comes from like fear or insecurity or being shy or something when really it comes from like. defeat. she’s been burned so many times so now she just accepts it there’s no point in fighting back

#learned helplessness #in tnp she’s very much like a rulebreaker and kind of a little shit lol #she likes going out on her own and making friends with cats from other clans and getting involved in things cuz she’s bored #she’s rebellious and craves having deep connections with others which is why being a medicine cat starts to weight on her and makes her #impulsively decide to run away with crow #esp because she’s also watching her best friend sorreltail grow up and move on. and she’s watching her sister grow up and move on #AND SHE FEELS STUCK SHES LIKE OH. BUT THIS IS IT FOR ME ISNT IT? #so she just reacts she needs to get away!! and then everything comes crashing down and she spends the rest of her life getting punished for #that choice #which slowly crushes her fire and teaches her that her desire for something ‘more’ was never going to work out #and she’s too tired to keep fighting so she accepts that #but she’s miserable about it and this misery makes her even more exhausted #so then she just kinda ends up numb #there’s no point! #SHES SO INTERESTING TO ME AAAAAUUUUGHHHHHHH it’s been so long since i’ve rambled about leafpool….. my girl……

[mochiiniko]

dont you ever just play a game from a childhood franchise only for you to get obsessed with it again like you did when you were 8

yea

#so saba was on ps plus #i just wanted to play the silly sackboy game why am i dying from nostalgia #little big planet #lbp fanart #lbp newton #lbp sackboy #saba vex #sackboy a big adventure #also to those people who followed me for my other fandom stuff dw im still making art for them #im just currently juggling several fandoms at once and failing miserably

[july-19th-club]

i know for a fact i have made this post before but for me it's very important that bbc merlin is a pointless tragedy. it wouldn't be good (it's frequently not good anyway but it would be a lot further away from good) if it wasn't a pointless tragedy! it's simply not arthuriana if it doesn't go past the high point of the heroic/legendary/high medieval romance stuff and end with detailed rundowns of exactly how everybody got betrayed and died like that is what makes it real arthuriana to me and not just a silly show about a wizard

#'why did he die at the end! why did they make us miserable? why can't we have nice things!' #BECAUSE IT'S ARTHURIANA OKAY .that's what HAPPENS #if you're doing arthuriana you're not doing it right unless when you finally get to the end of this endless string of knight adventures #the main guy is like. dead and you're like well . what am i supposed to do now #like when i first read the great illustrated classic abridged king arthur in third grade and got to the end ofi t #and guinevere had been sent to a nunnery and half the nights had died in this battle or that one and merlin had been stuck in a cave #and then arthur dies and bedivere chucks his sword in a lake and then the book just ENDS #and i sat there consumed with emotions id never felt before. well i would've been disappointed if the end of bbc merlin had #NOT made me feel those emotions again #but it did. to me that is in fact its greatest success #merlin #q #like. dont get me wrong i like a fixfic as much as the next guy and in fact i plot them out all the time #but you cant DO that if the original material is. like. already happy #or meant to be

[lightningidle]

Fig's line "I don't think I'm an artist, I think I'm just a good friend" has not left my head at all. Just...

You're Fig Faeth and your horns came in over the summer and you pick up the bard class as a form of adolescent rock 'n' roll rebellion, and it works! It's exactly the outlet you need! You give a guy you just met drumsticks and you start a band and it's good enough that within a year and a half you're touring. You are, in every sense, good at being a bard.

And then, finally, your junior year, you start to take it seriously. Your art goes from an outlet and a form of rebellion to a practice. A discipline. (Can rebellion exist within a discipline?) Your classmates know what they want to do with their work. They all have a thesis statement. And yeah, there's cohesion in the music you make, but you've never had to think about why you make it. You've never sat down and dissected what it is about bass that speaks to you. You've never poured over your lyrics to pick at any deeper meaning. Why should you? You don't play music for a grand design, you do it to... huh, why do you do it?

(Your art is the one form of self-expression that feels as safe as Disguise Self does, because even if you're pouring your heart onto the page and then screaming it in front of thousands of people, it's not like you're really making yourself known. You can sing I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm furious, and your fans will sing it right back, and there will still be the distance between performer and audience to keep your heart safe.)

Now you're being asked to look inward to explain the artistic choices you're making, and you can't help but recoil at that, because you'd rather do anything than look inward. Meanwhile, your classmates have no problem with it, so you start to wonder if you're a real artist at all. Can your art be authentic if it only exists to bolster a thesis statement? Has your art been unauthentic this whole time because you've never really thought about a thesis statement before? Is that what makes it art, and not just the next track on somebody's teen angst playlist?

You can't think about yourself— acknowledging your own existence makes you want to puke. So if your music is an extension of yourself, (and it is, even if it's just because the spotlight reveals only what you want it to,) you can't think about your music. You can't. You have to. Your grade depends on it.

You're Fig Faeth, and you keep multiclassing because you'd rather be a good friend than a great artist. If introspection is what great art demands, then fuck it. You must not be a bard at all.

#Dimension 20 #fig faeth #fhjy #Idle Chatter #my last two years of college were when I started to get more and more nauseous about my own art #because I wasn't being taught how to make the art I wanted to make #the whole curriculum's focus was on gallery art #which infuriated me! I wanted to make art that didn't have to involve twelve layers of meaning and metaphor to be considered good!! #so I drove myself into the ground time and again trying to make (miserable) work that I thought would fit the criteria of a Real Artist #anyway it's been 4 years and I'm just now picking at why I don't enjoy creating anymore so Fig's whole arc has hit home in a major way #ALSO. AAAAALSO. THE ADHD STRUGGLE WE SEE WITH BOTH FIG AND KRISTEN. LOVING SOMETHING BUT STILL STRUGGLING WITH FOLLOW THROUGH #BEING TOLD YOU'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH WHEN IT'S SO FUCKING HARD JUST TO GET WHERE EVERYONE ELSE IS AND NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY IT'S HARD FOR YOU #it was easy and now that the rubber's hit the road it's hard for you but not for others so it must be YOU that's the problem #you must be lazy or stupid or just not suited to this after all even though it's part of a pattern that has been happening all your life #if you were good enough or cared enough then surely the discipline would come easily to you! the way it comes easily to all your classmates #SCREAMS I gotta stop before I write a second essay in the tags. I'm so normal you can trust me to be normal about D&D characters

[puppyeared]

i wrote this as a joke because I wanted to strangle a guy watching tiktoks without headphones on the bus, but im genuinely disturbed that we've gotten to a point where convenience comes first. and it depresses me even more that its used to justify and monetize greed

#like we have so many ways of doing things that could help us in the long run but because we're told it requires more work we just cant #its too resource intensive. or maybe its too much to maintain. we have to overlook benefits so money can go into more important things #we teach each other to do things a certain way so it works for everyone but who was it convenient for first? what abt who it might hurt? #i have to wonder if the rules our current system uses is worth listening to or following if it doesnt have our best interests in mind. u an #me and the ppl around us.. would we be better off if i ate my meals knowing the person who grew it wanted to feed others the way they could #feed themselves? and that isnt to say we're going to be happy doing it but i guess satisfied that its helping someone instead of quietly #accepting that itll eventually go in the dumpster behind a grocery store because it stopped looking appetizing or it wasnt on sale anymore #what about building homes so we can shelter each other? what if we were satisfied with what we did because we knew it would be paid back #with kindness? isnt that what we evolved to do?? heal each others bones and tell stories and help each other?? #why dont houses come with solar panels or generators unless we find a way to make people pay to use the sun? why is our pooled money used #to fund genocides instead of education and hospitals? whose interests and convenience came first when we started this?? #i wont pretend to know the answer because i dont. but we all know we're miserable and im sorry to say that i cant see myself fighting #for a world that wont fight for me too. why do we work if we cant live from it?? why did they stop us from plucking more teeth from our #bosses until they could build more walls around themselves and then go back to underpaying us?? #im so tired. i cant even imagine making it to age 70 #yapping #vent

[bandtrees]

one of the most infuriating things i’ve realized about fandom spaces lately to me has been some people’s inability to just trust a story and engage with its premise and what it’s trying to express. “canon sucks i can do it better lol!!!” is one of the most annoying attitudes to me and i do kinda hate how prevalent it’s gotten (in actually good polished media that isn’t to be engaged with like that)

like between people who read things in as bad a faith as possible and ceaselessly criticize things they supposedly like, and people who only care about media for the sake of making cookie cutter self-indulgent fandom content, it feels sometimes like the most controversial thing you can do in a fandom is “actually liking the source material for what it is”

#babbles #like yeah aus n such are fun but sometimes i see things in fandoms that make me like ‘do you even LIKE the source material anymore???’ #‘just make ocs man!!!’ #rewatches of source materials should be mandatory people go too insane when they start forgetting what they’re engaging with #to say nothing of the very specific phenomena of. intentional bad faith readings of media #like people who went too damn hard in ‘be critical of what you consume’ and just look SO. MISERABLE. What About Having Fun! #like as a former dr fan. dr fans. is it great No i outgrew dr. but i think it’s better to accept outgrowing it than being #the most miserable ‘fan’ ever like UUUGHH THIS SUCKS WHY DO I LIKE IT ITS SO BAAADDD UUGGHHH #and criticizing it 24/7 like i don’t like dr much anymore but there’s a very specific… Type of dr fan #where im like ‘ykno you can just leave if you hate it so bad?’ #no need to self flagellate over it just accept you either like something kinda mediocre or just move on nobody’s keepin ya here

[femmeidiot]

being fat is literally so annoying and it's not even like the being fat part it's the stupid ass comments people make like as much as I struggle with body image I've pretty much accepted that this is just how my body is and how it is going to look but I am so tired of having people bring up stupid shit or feel like I owe them explanations about my body it's exhausting everyone should shut the fuck up and leave fat people alone forever cause we could absolutely destroy most of y'all's skinny asses if we needed to and I'm about to start physically fighting the next person who says any sort of bullshit to me

#like I don't owe you an explanation as to why I'm fat I don't owe you telling you that my whole family is fat #I don't owe you explaining that I have an eating disorder and so does my sister and so does my dad even though he doesn't realize it #I don't owe you the explanation that I have been the same clothing size for basically my entire adult life regardless of what my eating #habits and the amount of physical exercise I got but I'd love to make you feel stupid when you find out that I'm the same size now as I was #when I went to gym 4 days a week and took Pilates classes religiously I'm literally the same size now and I haven't gone to a gym in like #3+ years and I don't need to if I don't want to :) #and if I go to the gym it'll be cause I want to because I like to do physical activity not because anyone else wants me to cause god knows #once my fat ass is in the gym every muscle bro and lean skinny girl miserable on the treadmill is gonna be silently thanking god they don't #look like me and trying to avoid being near me the whole time I'm there

[cousticks]

something something beast au something something chuuya and dazai always in the mafia together in both worlds blah blah blah i'd show you the worst parts of myself in every universe.

in that vein. i'd show you the worst of myself in every universe but only the worst. this world is destined to end and i am not destined to stay in it and i will not give you the peace of my best.

may your hatred keep you alive in the way my care killed me.

#fuck the beast au btw it makes me miserable #i love it dearly #bsd beast #skk #beast skk #beast. #why we will never meet #burn the ghosts #this is framed as a shitpost but there is intelligent thought behind it. who knows maybe i'll make a nicer post later. probably not though.