#this kind of shit is why i feel particularly suffocated as a creative because there's a constant level of anxiety that lingers

[torisfeather]

Nightmare

A one-shot written for @creative-lampd-liberties

You can also find it here on AO3 and Ffnet

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Janus jolted awake with a gasp, his heart pumping so hard he could feel the blood rushing in his temples. His panting mouth felt dry, while the human side of his face was way too wet with tears and sweat. His eyes, wide open, stared at the ceiling, too afraid to look somewhere else. His ears resonated with the sound of the nightmare he just had.

By the time he realized that he was in his room and that this was nothing more than a bad dream, his head started throbbing.

He winced, closing his mouth and tasting his cardboard-like tongue for a second before his glands remembered how to make saliva. He ran a hand over his hot forehead, as if he could wipe his headache away, but only managed to ruffle his messy hair more. He tried to close his teary eyes again but it was like the image of his nightmare was burned on the inner side of his eyelids.

It's all your fault…

The mere thought filled his chest with sobs.

He felt like he was suffocating, like in those legends of sleep-demons sitting on people's chests in their sleep. He could only cry, cry like a sick child, trying not to see, not to hear the remnants of his dream. His dream…

I don't want to see you ever again!

It was so painful. Why was it this painful? Dreams weren't supposed to be painful.

"Janus!"

His name cut through the pain, though he did not recognize the voice at first. A face appeared through the tears. Long bangs and eyes with dark shadows. "Virgil?"

"Janus, what's wrong?"

Even if he wanted to, Janus couldn't lie in this kind of state. He could only utter a few words : "A nightmare… My head…"

He suddenly felt something cool on his forehead, and almost moaned. It felt so good against the throb.

"You're burning up!" Virgil said, stupefied, pawing at his forehead like it could make his temperature go down. "How do you even have a temperature?"

Janus shrugged, pressing his head against Virgil's hand. Please, oh please let him stay there. His own hand reached out and squeezed the cold palm.

He wasn't sure how much time passed, but somehow, as he squeezed that hand next to him, his tears started to subside and he was slowly able to think more clearly. Eventually, he sat up and let go, wrapping his arms around him and trying to smile in spite of his splitting headache. He rubbed at the bridge of his nose, doing his best to relax, to no avail.

"Apologies for this sorry sight… I'm better now," he said.

"Yeah right, you look like shit."

"I know, Virgil, thank you," Janus sighed. "Why are you here?"

"I'm here because I felt someone's fear levels explode like a firework and the ashes haven't settled yet."

"Ah, so you wanted to know if there was a danger," Janus understood, looking down at his hands. "You see there is nothing, everything is under control."

"As if I was going to leave you, dumbass."

Janus blinked in surprise, grateful for the dark room hopefully keeping Virgil from seeing his expression. "The light sides are rubbing off on you," he tried to tease.

"Shut up. Where's the light?"

With a snap, Janus lit up his bedside candelabra and took a quick look at Thomas's internal clock, which in his room took the appearance of an old, dark-wooded, intricate grandfather clock with a hypnotic and comforting pendulum. Apparently, it was sometime in the early hours of the morning. Just the best time to wake up from a nightmare, really, too early to feel actually rested, but too late to go back to sleep long enough to feel better.

Not that he particularly wanted to go back to sleep now that he couldn't even close his eyes without seeing the miserable, desperate face of…

I wish I never knew you…

Janus needed some water.

He carefully turned to the side of the bed where Virgil was standing, pretending his head wasn't killing him right now.

"What are you doing?"

"Obviously not taking care of myself," Janus muttered, rubbing his human eye with one hand and groping around the bedside table for a handkerchief with the other.

Virgil grabbed it before he could.

"Virgil, why-" Janus stopped in shock when Virgil started gently wiping his face. Then closed his eyes in delight when Virgil caressed his hot skin with his cold fingers. Janus didn't usually enjoy the cold, but he also didn't usually wake up in the middle of the night from a stress-induced fever nightmare.

"Here," Virgil said, holding the handkerchief in place for Janus to blow his nose, which he did by reflex. "Sorry, I'm not as good as Patton for this kind of thing."

"Why are you doing this?" Please don't stop.

"Because you need it," Virgil said.

"I can take care of myself."

"Listen- stop." Virgil grabbed his face, and it should have been uncomfortable, if his touch wasn't so grounding and cooling. "I know what you're thinking right now, so stop. I want to take care of you. Now, sit tight, I'm going to get you some painkillers."

Virgil left, and Janus immediately missed his presence. He decided not to wait. Slowly, trying not to move his head too much, he put on his slippers and robe over his pajamas, and quietly slithered out of his room, combing his fingers through his hair trying to look a little more presentable in case one of the others were awake.

The hallway was dark and empty as far as he could tell. Janus resisted the urge to turn on the light – anything was better than the images jumping at his vision in the dark, except waking up anyone, plus it might make his headache worse.

That hypothesis was verified when he finally reached the bathroom, closed the door and turned on the light – ow.

Janus rubbed his temples, stumbling to the sink, and took several sips of water.

"I told you to stay where you were."

"No, you didn't," Janus replied, trying a miserable smirk as Virgil entered the bathroom as well. He handed him a couple of pills.

They were placebos more than anything, really, but that's what you get when you and your pain are both imaginary.

He washed down the pill with another swig of water, bent over the sink, and took advantage of his position to throw a little bit of water in his face. The coolness it brought really helped soothe his headache, for a moment he even felt like he might be able to go back to sleep.

Hah. He snorted wryly. As if.

"Why are you laughing?"

"I just thought of something funny."

Every time he blinked, the same thing happened. That face, that sad, reproachful face, appeared, and he could almost hear the whispers again… You shouldn't be here…

He shook his head. You should know your place…

"Hey. Hey, hey, hey, what's wrong?" Virgil said, cupping his chin to make him look up. Janus closed his eyes, and Virgil's face was replaced with Thomas's, so similar. Worry replaced with contempt. He felt more tears roll down his cheek. He tried to open his eyes and look away, but he couldn't help it.

"N-nothing," he sniffled.

"Janus, come on…"

"I… I don't remember my nightmare."

"Oh," Virgil went, realizing, his expression growing softer, compassionate. "Sounds like a very bad one, huh?"

Janus almost laughed through the tears. "No, not at all. It was nothing, really, just…"

You're the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Janus bit his tongue and muffled another loud sob. He moved away from Virgil and rubbed his ears with the palms of his hands, like it could make the words go away. Virgil quickly caught up to him and wrapped his arms around him in a tight embrace. For a moment, Janus didn't dare to move, then after a while, he returned the hug, sniffling into the other's hoodie.

"Shhhh, calm down, deep breaths, snakey," Virgil said, rubbing hard at the back of his neck in the best way possible.

Janus felt himself shake, and the tears come harder, but the need to sob was appeased somehow. He did his best to follow Virgil's advice, breathing in and out as slowly and deeply as he could.

"There we go, good job," Virgil praised him as he felt him calm down. He tilted his head back, just to look at him for a little while. "Now, what do we do when we're not fine?"

"… Self-care?" Janus tried.

"See, I knew you were still yourself," Virgil joked, and Janus smiled under the tears still running down his face. "You're going to have to help me though, you're the master of self-care, here. What do you need, right now?"

Automatically, Janus started mentally listing and self-checking his needs. He wasn't hungry, or thirsty anymore, he felt exhausted but there was no way he could go back to sleep right now, and he was so tense and hot from his headache, still covered in sweat… "A bath," he admitted quietly.

"Okay," Virgil smiled kindly. "Would you like me to stay with you, snakey?"

Janus bit his lip, but nodded. If Virgil was offering, he wasn't going to reject some company. Anything to not be left alone with his thoughts.

Virgil drew the bath, checking the temperature several times, as Janus undressed slowly, still sniffling. He laid his robe and pajamas over the closed toilet seat and let Virgil lead him into the bathtub, holding his hand as he sunk into the water.

He immediately let out a pleasured sigh, feeling his body temperature adjusting like all it needed was a reminder of where it should actually be. The tension left his neck and shoulders.

He only realized his eyes had closed when he opened them again to see Virgil undressing as well. "What are you doing?"

"Joining you, if that's okay? Nothing sexy, I promise"

Janus nodded and folded his legs to let Virgil take the other side of the bathtub. The anxious side shook his head and told him to move forward. Janus obeyed curiously, and smiled when Virgil climbed into the bathtub and sat behind him, his legs on either side of his thighs. He pulled him down against his chest and the two cuddled in the water.

"Do you still have a headache?" Virgil asked.

"A little."

So Virgil gently caressed his sides, kissing the back of his neck as his hands moved up his shoulders to his head, and started massaging his scalp.

It was like magic. Janus closed his eyes and hung his head, the pain receding between Virgil's fingers. He went completely limp, not thinking, not moving, just feeling the warm water licking his skin, resting in Virgil's embrace.

"Is it okay?" Virgil couldn't resist asking.

"It'sssss awessssssome."

"Are you lying?"

"No," Janus sighed.

"Okay, cool."

Virgil bit his lip, focused on his task. A few moments passed, and Janus could almost feel the questions starting to burden the anxious side. So despite the wonderful massage, he said: "Are you going to ask me about my nightmare?"

"No."

The surprise made Janus open his eyes again. "Why not? You obviously don't look like you want to."

"Yeah, well, you can tell me if you want, but you looked upset enough already when I just mentioned it. I don't want to make you panic again, so I'm not going to ask."

Janus remained frozen for a moment, then he smiled, and decided to let the nightmare go, settling deeper into the shared embrace of Virgil and the water.

He and Janus stayed in the water together for a long time, switching between massaging and cuddling, long enough for the water to get uncomfortably cool eventually.

So long, in fact, that as they stepped out of the tub, they heard a knock at the door, and Logan's unmistakable composed voice going: "Hello? Is someone there?"

"Yes!" Virgil replied, quickly grabbing towels for the both of them to get covered with.

"Virgil? This is uncharacteristically early for you, is something the matter?"

"I... Yes… I mean no? I, uh, I'm helping Janus."

"Janus?" Janus could have sworn he heard Logan frown from behind the door. "May I come in?"

"Uuuh…?" Virgil went, obviously unsure of what to do in the moment. Janus just smiled tiredly and nodded. "Sure?"

The door opened. Logan stepped inside and closed it again. "Very well. Now," he added, turning around to give them both a look where concern was trying to emerge behind the calm façade, "what seems to be the problem?"

Janus just let Virgil explain the situation to Logan, focusing on looking more alert than he actually was. He didn't like being this vulnerable, even with his fellow sides whom he had started trusting. So despite the lack of layers to cover his half-scaled body, he tried his best to smile and seem unperturbed.

Perhaps he didn't do as good a job as he would have liked, because Logan kept looking at him like he was a sick student. "It is to my understanding that you did not get much sleep. May I advise you take a nap this morning, perhaps after some breakfast?"

"I will not do that, thank you Logan," Janus said with his tired smile.

Logan nodded and left, closing the door to let the other two get dressed.

Janus felt immediately better when he was once again covered by his pajamas and dark robe, and to be frank so did Virgil once reunited with his hoodie. But neither regretted this time in the bath together.

"Alright, let's follow the doctor's orders," Virgil joked, leading Janus out and down the stairs.

Janus let him happily. His headache was now but a memory and the nightmare a dark shadow at the back of his mind that was slowly fading. He felt clean, relaxed, and warm in the right way, unlike before. And Virgil was holding his hand gently, like he was a delicate lady, which although a surprise wasn't unappreciated.

As they came down the stairs, Janus realized that everyone was up already. And that everyone looked up at them as they approached the table where two plates had already been put down for them. Roman pulled their chairs for them, and Remus tackle-hugged Janus before he had a chance to sit, which made him laugh internally, although he tried not to show anything.

"Ugh, Remus, be careful!"

Remus just stuck his tongue out at his brother and then licked Janus's cheek before letting him go. Janus pretended to be unfazed as he sat, wiping his face with the back of his hand.

Then Patton arrived, carrying a pan full of fried eggs and bacon, Logan in toe with some fruit and juice.

"Egg-cellent, you're here!" Patton said, smiling, as he dropped two eggs into Janus's plate, and then two more in Virgil's, before serving the others.

"What's all this for?" Janus almost laughed, incredulous.

"For you, of course, sleepy snake," Roman chimed in, grabbing the reddest apple in the basket. "Logan told us about your struggle last night."

"And nutrition is crucial to a proper recovery," Logan nodded.

As he finished serving everyone, Patton leaned over and placed a kiss on Janus's forehead, giggling at the dumbfounded face he made. "If you're going to react like that each time we want to take care of you, we might need to do it more often."

Janus didn't reply. He just felt happiness welling up inside of him as the others slowly started eating and talking and bickering as usual, but always keeping an eye on him, making sure he was okay. Far ago was the time when he had to pretend like he was in control all the time.

A bubble of trust suddenly popped up his throat into his mouth and he said, a little surprised at himself: "I'd like to tell you about my nightmare."

#sanders sides #fanfiction #anxceit #hurt/comfort #tw nightmares

[beauty-and-passion]

Heya!

So I remember reading your post about Eurovision a while ago, and since I'm now hooked on a certain collection of songs, I was thinking...

Would you think 'Zitti E Buoni' by Måneskin could be a Remus song, and 'Voilà' by Barbara Pravi a Roman song? Or do you have some ideas on any other Eurovision songs that would fit the Sides?

Just wondering whether you'd like to share some thoughts on this, but no pressure of course! As always, I absolutely love your theories and posts, it always brightens up my day to read :D

This will be a very self indulgent post.

First of all: “no pressure”?! I am HYPED to share my thoughts on this! And this is why it took me so long to reply to this ask: I’ve spent the whole time thinking about which song could fit which Side, going through the last editions, reading the lyrics, searching among my favourites...

So yes, this post will be a bit long. But hey, there is also good music and maybe, by listening to it, you will find something you haven’t heard before! :D

(Of course, in order to make this post understandable, I will translate all lyrics, but the songs aren’t all in English. In any case, every song has a link, so you can hear it on Youtube.)

And yes, I know there are billions of other Eurovision songs, but for the sake of “not making this post endless” (as if it won’t be already), I will stop at Eurovision 2014. If you all have other songs to propose for a Side, please feel free to add them and explain why! :D

And now...

Which Eurovision songs would fit the Sides

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EUROVISION 2021

Måneskin - Zitti e buoni

(Here the Eurovision performance because it’s just this good)

This song is PERFECT for Remus and I was a fool for not realizing it sooner. It's all about showing how different you are, embracing your uniqueness despite what others may think. Everything about this song screams “REMUS” so thank you, my dear, for opening my eyes and making me realize it.

They don't know what I'm talking about You are dirty, bruh, of mud Cig's yellow in between the fingers I'm walking with a cig Pardon me, but I really do believe That I can make this jump And even if the street is uphill I'm training for this now

The first line is already 200% Remus: they (aka the other Sides) don’t know what Remus is talking about. Remus is impossible to understand. Remus is weird, strange, dangerous - according to moral standards.

However, despite the other people’s thoughts, Remus still shows a high self-esteem - just like in his playlist. The others may not have faith in him, there could be obstacles on his way, but he still believes he will achieve his goals.

And good evening, ladies and gentlemen Bring out the actors You better hold on to your balls You better keep quiet and be good Here people are weird, like drug dealers Too many nights I've spent locked outside Now I'm kicking these doorways Staring up like climbers So sorry mum if I'm always out, but

“You better hold on to your balls” is a translation of the original italian line “Vi conviene toccarvi i coglioni”. This sentence is a more vulgar form of the English expression “knocking on wood”, something you preventively do to un-jinx stuff.

However, “knocking on wood” isn’t as strong as the italian expression, so I chose this translation that is more literal, but also more vulgar. It kept the original vibe more, it fits Remus more and it gives a stronger meaning to the whole thing. The singer isn’t just saying “beware of what you’re doing”, but he’s saying “get ready, shit if about to hit the fan”. It’s more powerful - and well, Remus would love this. It’s his time now, so the audience (the other Sides/Thomas) should "keep quiet and be good”.

I also really like the “Here people are weird, like drug dealers”, because it can refer to the dark sides in general. This is Remus’ show, so the Core Sides and Thomas should shut up. They are now in the Dark Sides’ territory, full of weird, sketchy people, morally gray villains. All things he loves, enjoys and that he definitely considers as compliments. 

“Too many nights I've spent locked outside / Now I'm kicking these doorways” is another great line, because “being locked outside” is the perfect metaphor for Remus’ situation. He IS locked outside, he has been kept far away from Thomas, stifled by him, unable to fully express himself. And so he releases his frustration by kicking the doors that are shutting him down. That’s just so Remus I. LOVE. IT.

I am out of my mind, but I'm not like the others And you are out of your mind, but you're not like the others We are out of our minds, but we're not like the others We are out of our minds, but we're not like the others

This chorus is PERFECT! First of all: “I am out of my mind” is basically just like this line from DWIT:

[Patton]: Imaginative sure is a- a kind word for him. [Duke]: I agree! How about... DEMENTED?

But also: Remus doesn’t give a damn. He’s not like the others and he’s SO DAMN PROUD of it. Just like he is in canon and in his playlist.

He goes even further, by saying that “you” are also out of your mind. And who this “you” might be, if not the big man himself?

[Duke]: If I am awful... then so is Thomas.

Just like in DWIT, Remus welcomes Thomas’ weirdness with open arms. If he and Thomas are both insane and different, why hiding it and not embracing this difference? They are unique.

I've written pages and pages I've seen salt, then tears These men in cars Don't climb the rapids I've written on a tombstone "In my house there's no God" But if you find time's meaning You'll climb back up from your oblivion And there's no wind stopping The natural power From the right point of view You feel the intoxication of the wind With wax wings on your back I'll go look for that high If you wanna stop me try again Try cutting my head off Because

Woah, this part has a lot. There is:

Remus' creativity as a flow ("I've written pages and pages")

Remus seeing how different he is compared to others ("These men in cars / Don't climb the rapids" while he was ready to “make this jump” despite the obstacles on his way)

Religion because of course - and especially Remus rejecting it ("I've written on a tombstone / "In my house there's no God".")

And, most importantly, there is a nice reference to Icarus' myth. According to myth, Icarus escaped from the Labyrinth of the Minotaur, by flying on wax wings. But he flew too close to the sun, his wings melted and he fell to his death.

This has multiple meanings. First of all, it shows how stubborn Remus is: he could use simpler, more stable ways to reach his goals. But he's Remus, he's creative and he's different, he would rather use wax wings (aka more complex, unordinary means) to reach his goal. Also, it's a proof of his resolution: just like Icarus, his wax wings could melt and he could fail. And yet, he's so set in his decision, he's ready to do anything to succeed.

This last point is particularly evident in the following lines: "If you wanna stop me try again / Try cutting my head off". It's impossible to stop him, just like it was impossible to send him away or stop him from talking in canon.

Everything in this song is just HIM.

Unfortunately people talk They talk, they don't know what they talk about Bring me where I float Cause I lack air here

Once again, the people are the Core Sides: they talk about how he's evil and dangerous and useless. But they don't know what they're talking about. They're (metaphorically) suffocating him with their prejudices, that's why he asks "bring me where I float": he wants to express himself freely, to escape these biases.

Also: water. And with the whole octopus as his animal, it’s just even more fitting.

Moral of the story: this song is perfect for him, Remus should know Italian just to sing it - and he would love the glam rock style of Maneskin as well.

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Barbara Pravi - Voilà

I don’t know how you did it, dear, but these two songs are PERFECT. Zitti e buoni is perfectly Remus, Voilà is perfectly Roman. I feel blessed.

Listen to me, me, the half singer Talk about me, to your loved ones, to your friends Tell them about this little girl with black eyes and crazy dreams What I want is to write stories that you will hear about That's all

Roman, is that you? Because this is you. This is ALL you.

Roman is a "half singer": he cannot sing like he want, he cannot express himself in full. He has rules, laws, morals that forces him to quiet down and bent his creativity.

And, just like a tragic hero, Roman asks that his story will not be forgotten, that others will know about him, his unfortunate life, his "crazy dreams" and especially his passion: writing stories "that you will hear about".

This line in particular reminds me of this part from Recipe for Me:

And still, I continue to write because I have more dreams to fulfill Tales I hoped to tell when I was younger Ideas that I haven't made yet, but I will I'll find my way with my will

The concept is the same in Voilà. Roman is a "controlled" Creativity, surrounded by rules and morals that shut him, but he wants to be heard, he wants to tell stories.

And that’s just it. This is what creativity is all about: talking, puring out its ideas, as loud and freely as possible.

Voilà, voilà, voilà, here is who I am Here I am, even if I'm scared as I'm naked, yes Here I am in the noise and in silence

I love how this song is a way for Roman to express himself, to show himself despite everything. He's like this, he's a "half Creativity", he's scared, he's not perfect. But here he is, "in the noise and in silence". Because your creativity is always here with you, no matter where you are or what you are doing: it will never leave you and it will never stop asking to be heard.

Look at me, or at least what's left of it Look at me, before I hate myself What can I say that another hasn't already said? I don't have much, but I place here what I do have Voilà

Aaaah, yes, I like to wake up with the strong smell of Roman's angst in the morning.

Roman seeing himself as something broken? Perfect. We want more of the angsty boi. Even the fans of King Creativity may read this line as Roman seeing himself as “half of a whole”!

And, again I love how despite feeling broken and hating it, he’s still ready to give everything he has. This is the true essence of the concept of creativity.

Also, why not adding a little more angst?

I want to be loved, because I don't know myself how to like the shape of me

This is perfect, because it reconnects to the first episode, when Roman said his goal would be to love himself first. He never reached this goal after almost 30 episodes - and this line might offer an answer on why: because Roman doesn’t know how. He hates himself so much, he doesn’t know how to love himself.

And that’s probably why he needs another person to love: because it’s easier to love someone else, rather than himself.

Voilà, voilà, voilà, here is who I am Here I am, even if it's the end as I'm naked Here I am in the noise and in rage too Finally, look at me and my eyes and my hands All I have is here, it's my face, it's my scream Here I am, here I am, here I am

This last chorus is awesome: the quintessential of Roman’s desperation, of showing himself, of screaming hoping to be heard by anyone. Unlike Remus who is unstoppable and doesn't care about others, Roman cares. He needs a public, he needs to be heard, otherwise he would lose himself.

And I seriously love how these two songs both have the same idea (embrace yourself and your uniqueness), but talk aboout this theme in such different ways - and yet so fitting for the twins... they are just GREAT.

(On a side note: this song is so dramatically French Roman would love it and sing it with the same passion Barbara used and I would love to see that.)

_____________________________

EUROVISION 2019

Bilal Hassani - Roi

Come on... Roi. Roi. Considering that "roi" means "king" in French, who could possibly be the Side I would associate this song with? Maybe the Side who already has a King in his playlist?

Nope, this song is for Remus.

Why Remus? The reason is very simple and you can just notice by reading the first verses:

I am me And I know I will always be I am free Sure I am inventing my life Don't ask me who I am

I am The same since I was very little And in spite of looks, opinions I cry, I go out and I laugh

You put me in a box Want me to be like you I don't follow the codes People are disturbed a lot At the end of the day You canno change me, boo! So, let me fly

This song overflows with confidence, the lines talk about someone who is free to be whoever he wants, who has always been the same since he was a child, who is rejected by others and doesn't give a damn, who doesn't "follow the codes" and refuses to be changed by them.

This isn't Roman, but this is the quintessential of Remus. This song is everything about him, from his confidence to his desire to be free.

And the chorus is even clearer:

I'm not rich but i'm shining bright I can't see my kingdom now When I dream, I am a king And I know o-o-ow Even now o-o-ow You try to take me down You cannot break me nah nah

That's him, that's Remus.

On a side note, if Remus also has his "King song", that would strengthen the connection with Roman, since they both would have a song about "being/feeling like a king".

And this song is Roi, king in French. Since I think Remus would definitely know French, this makes Roi an even more fitting choice, doesn’t it?

Who are we ? When we hide, when we fight for free Only god can judge you and me We did not choose what we are

Not only there is a nice religious reference, but these lines are a also a reference to the LGBT community: they hide, they fight, they didn't choose to be like that (no matter what idiots might think) and only God can judge them, not other, very flawled (and, honestly, very pathetic too) humans.

So, if we consider it, there is also a hidden "fuck society" and a "I am gay and proud to be" and those are both very Remus things.

_____________________________

EUROVISION 2018

Saara Aalto - Monster

I would associate this song with Thomas. And, specifically, to Thomas at the end of the series. Why?

Here's why:

So tonight I'm making friends with all the creatures That are hiding there under my bed

I ain't gonna hold on to these monsters anymore Now I'm gonna let in all the light Tear down the walls At my worst, I found my army strong All the demons are gone You can try and scare me now But I ain't scared no more I ain't scared no more

At the end of the series, Thomas would have befriended all the Sides, especially the "monsters hiding under his bed", the dark bois.

The "final Thomas" will tear down every wall between him and his Sides and will stop hiding/rejecting them. This will make him stronger, because the Sides will be his helpers, parts of him, his friends. He won't be scared anymore by Remus, suspicious towards Janus, afraid of Virgil or terrified by Orange.

"All the demons are gone": the dark sides won't be villains anymore, but friends. And they would help him be stronger.

It's my life I'm ready to lead it I'm gonna roll the dice You better believe it

This part is great as well, because it proves another interesting detail: that Thomas is growing up. He's taking life into his own hands, he's leading it. No more "Oh no, I don't know what to choose between callback and wedding!". He's more confident, he's stronger, he's more mature.

_____________________________

Hovig - Gravity

Honestly, I think this song can be something all Sides might sing to Thomas. It's basically a testament of how much they care about him:

Let me be your heart and your company I'll let you be the one who can lean on me I'll catch you when you fall When you're falling free Let me be, be your gravity

But the imagery just screams "ROMAN" so much, I can't help but think that yes, this is a great Roman song and it's all from Roman to Thomas.

I mean...

I can be your hero I can be your fantasy Oh, I can be the cure Yeah, let me be Your remedy

He IS Thomas' hero, so how can I ignore this? And he's also the embodiment of Thomas' fantasies, he's the wings that make Thomas fly.

Let me be your wings When you're flying high I'm gonna raise you up 'til you touch the sky I'll catch you when you fall When you're falling free Let me be, be your gravity

It's just pure love for Thomas and it begs me to being a Roman song, so... here it is. A Roman song dedicated to Thomas.

_____________________________

Eleni Foureira - Fuego

Listen, not only Roman would rock this song, but also dance like a maniac while singing it just like Eleni and no, you can't change my mind.

Just look at how this woman sings and dnaces without never losing a beat until the end. And please consider that on the Eurovision stage there is no autotune: this was her voice and he delivered a great performance without cracks.

So yes, I want Roman singing this.

But the lines are great for him as well! I mean...

Take a dive Into my eyes Yeah the eyes of lioness Feel the power They ain’t lying.

and

Coz I’m way up and I ain’t comin’ down, keep taking me higher Ah yeah ah yeah ah yeah yeah ah yeah ah yeah Coz I’m burning up and I ain’t coolin’ down, yeah I got the the fire Ah yeah ah yeah ah yeah yeah ah yeah ah yeah

Fuego

Someone fiery and passionate, powerful eyes, pride... yep, this is definitely something Roman would sing. Especially because of the fire. Roman is a fiery guy, so fire is very him.

______________________ 

Yianna Terzi - Oniro Mou

I actually already talked about this song in an old post and I still haven't changed my mind: this song is all about Janus telling Thomas how much he cares about him.

If you look into the depth of me You revive my dream And if you look into my heart I will take you into my arms   How would you like me to say this I would die for you I would give my life for you End and beginning, you are everything

Not only the "take you into my arms" reminds me of Change (" I’ll be able to be honest, capable / Of holding you in my arms without letting you fall"), but the last three lines are so incredibly loving and honest I can't think of anyone else but Janus while reading them. Thomas is his end and beginning, Janus would literally die for Thomas and give his life for him.

So, well, it's just very fitting. And I love how dramatic this song is. It doesn't have the jazzy vibe Janus loves, but the drama is all here.

______________

Francesco Gabbani - Occidentali’s Karma

Do you remember how hard it was to analyze Algorhythm from Logan's playlist? Every line has a meaning and explaining every single one of them took me an eternity.

Well, this song is basically like Algorhythm, but with more philosophy and billions to references. You see the performance on the stage and ahahah, there's a funny dancing gorilla, what a cute song. Then you read the lyrics and BOOM.

I will not analyze this song here, because every line would require at least two paragraphs to explain it. And this post is already long enough as it is, but please, search the meaning of this song: there are references to Shakespeare, Heraclitus, buddhism, Andy Warhol, Desmond Morris and his book "The Naked Ape", Marx, Nietzsche and so on. Basically every line is a reference, a play on words or both at the same time.

What about the main theme? The main theme is the human and especially the contemporary human. In fact, "Occidentali" (Westerners) does not refer to the geographical place, aka Europeans/Americans, but to the western cultural model.

So the title “Occidentali’s Karma” (Westerners Karma) is an insight on contemporary society, on our values and on how, despite how many things changed, we are not so different from our ancestors after all.

This song might seem a perfect choice for Janus. There's a critique of society, there are philosophers and plays on words.

But I’m not too convinced, because even if Janus likes all those things, the number of references is just SO HUGE only a real nerd can find, recognize and appreciate them all.

So yes, this is a Logan song. A song he would probably listen and analyze, enjoying the whole process of knowing more things, finding out all the hidden meanings, the plays on words (we all know you like puns, ya big nerd) and the critical insight. After all, Algorhythm WAS a critique of society, so Logan should appreciate it.

_______________

EUROVISION 2014

Twin Twin - Moustache

Not only the band is called Twin Twin but, as if this wasn't screaming "Creativitwins" enough, the title of the song is "Moustache".

Come on, you know who is the Side perfect for this song.

Psyche! It's both Roman and Remus.

Something is missing, but what? I want this, I want that When I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming in dollars, every day I'm wearing a different suit.

This is very Roman: Roman wants everything (let's not forget Primadonna from his playlist), Roman’s dreams are big. And Roman is Creativity, so he "wears a different suit" every day - aka he directs his creative flow in different stories/songs.

I want this, I want that there's never enough for me it's like this, it's like that there's always something I don't have

This part strongly reminds me of Primadonna. Roman wants everything, every day. He's never satisfied.

And then, Remus busts in and...

I wanted a moustache, a moustache

So my headcanon is that this starts as a Roman's song, all about wanting everything because "there's always something I don't have", until Remus pops out during the chorus and says all he wants is his gorgeous moustache.

*chef’s kiss* Perfection.

But I know what you want, dear audience. You want some angst, don't you?

Fine, so what if the "I want a moustache" line is Roman's subtle way to say that he wants the same freedom his brother has? After all, Roman has "everything one could ever dream of", "I have friends too / even some who like me". All he needs is more creative freedom and  the moustache is a subtle way to say that.

_______________

Aarzemnieki - Cake to Bake

This is the ultimate song for all Patton's fans, because it combines Patton's love for baking to Patton being an absolute disaster at it.

Also, it's an incredibly cute song.

I melted the ice of the polar caps Found the raiders of the lost ark Solved a case for the genius from Baker Street Helped to clean the Central Park I created the plan for the Chinese wall Went to desert, made it rain Swam through a shark tank bloodily Found Atlantis, by the way But today

The first verse is already awesome: Patton did a lot of great stuff, even impossible stuff ("solved a case for the genius from Baker Street" is a very nice reference to the Losing My Motivation episode).

But today, he has to face the most difficult task of them all:

I’ve got a cake to bake, and got no clue at all I’ve got a cake to bake, and haven’t done that before Don’t be proud, mate, please, don’t bother Go, come on and ask your mother How to bake, how to bake, bake that cake

Not only this makes me smile every time, but I can perfectly imagine Patton in a kitchen, with all the ingredients in front of him, everything ready and set... and he’s just absolutely lost. Should he use a spoon to stir the flour? And how can he open the vanilla beans? He doesn’t even know how to turn the stove on.

And so, he decides it’s time to ask someone else to help him. Bonus points if the mother is Janus. Also because he is a mom AND a witch, so

Also, this line:

Mix some dough, add some love, let it bake, wait for it

It's SO Patton, because the main ingredient of his recipes IS love! And cumin. And sometimes spit, depending on what he's making: pasta for Roman or some toasts for his angsty teen son.

_____________________________

Carl Espen - Silent Storm

At first, I thought this was a Logan song: someone who feels empty and alone, who has a storm inside but it's a silent storm, because Logan would never express his feelings in any way.

But there are these lines:

And there’s a silent storm inside me Looking for a home I hope that someone’s gonna find me And say that I belong I’ll wait forever and a lifetime To find I’m not alone There’s a silent storm inside me And someday I’ll be calm Someday I’ll be calm

And maybe it's just me, but this reminds me so much of Virgil. He has a storm inside, his own symbol is a storm. He's searching for a home, after leaving the dark sides. And he hopes someone will say he belongs - Thomas will say he belongs, that Virgil is part of him and of the famILY.

And he's willing to wait all the time, just to get that tiny bit of recognition and acceptance. And, who knows, maybe when he'll get it, the storm inside him will calm down and he will finally be at peace.

____________________

Tinkara Kovač - Round and Round

I don't know if I'm insane (or just extremely self indulgent), but this song is basically Janus during the wedding/callback saga.

Uncertain between worlds Circle after circle, we're trapped in time When you're already familiar with every storm You're playful, and yet you're alone

The first verse sets the time and situation. Thomas is living an uncertain life (just like every actor), trapped in the same cycle, with nothing new coming: same job, same opportunities, no big chances, nothing stable. He's "familiar with every storm", aka Virgil has been accepted. Thomas is happy, but he's alone. No one is actually on his side, not even the Sides themselves. He's not taking care of himself enough, he's too ready to drop everything for his friends, he's spreading himself too thin.

And now I'm gonna show you how to breathe I'm gonna show you how to live I'm gonna hold your heart in hand I'm gonna make you understand

This can be a declaration from Janus: he's tired of working in the shadows, he wants to step up and help Thomas in person. And these lines make me think of him, because of how "firm" (and kinda villain-y) they sound.

He wants to show Thomas how to live, aka what are the best decisions to make). He's going to "hold your heart in hand", aka to have Thomas wrapped around his fingers, to take control and steer him with a strong, confident grip, away from the decisions he considers bad, into making him a lot stronger than before.

And, finally, he wants to make him understand. So if the lines before sounded more like a villain’s plan, this last line adds something more. Janus wants to explain to Thomas why he's doing this, why his decisions are better, why Thomas should trust him.

If we think about it, this is everything Janus tried to do since CLBG: he wrapped Thomas (and the other Sides) around his fingers and made them play the courtroom scenario he built, he tried to steer Thomas away from the selfless decision of going to the wedding. And he tried to make him understand why, with the pinata metaphor.

You don't know you don't know Is it love is it hate What are we changing (What are we doing) You don't know you don't but Can you feel it inside Feel the roses Feel the pride (Can you believe it)

Thomas doesn't know a lot of things. Does he really know what love is? Or hate? Or what he's actually doing, by listening to his Morality? What is Janus doing?

[Deceit]: What am I doing here right now, Thomas? Am I the snake come to trick you into sinning, or have you had your mind made up since the moment you received the news about the callback? (SvS)

Thomas doesn't know a lot of things. But deep down, he knows what he wants to do. He should "feel the roses / feel the pride", both things associated with Roman. He is the one Thomas should listen to. And Janus is hinting it.

Is a moment just a circle Just a song you play on repeat? If we can't change how we're living Isn't life just a lie that we feed

Janus is expressing his frustration here: is Thomas' life doomed to always be the same, a cycle, a "song you play on repeat"? Can't he really change his life because of his selflessness? Will he really miss all the opportunities life offers him, in order to always be a good person?

What's the point of living, then? This wouldn't be life, but "a lie that we feed": instead of living his own life, Thomas would submit it to what others want/need, in order to always be present for them.

This is basically a huge warning from Janus: don't fall into this cycle, break free, I can make you free, listen to me and I will make you understand what is wrong about it.

#sanders sides #ask #song time #remus sanders #roman sanders #thomas sanders #janus sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #eurovision #eurovision AND sanders sides together #I love this #phew I finally finished this post! #it took me a lot of time but I had so much fun #hope it was worth the wait #there are other great songs #not fitting for the sides but still great #thank you for allowing me to be this self indulgent #<3 <3 <3

[cyanide-latte]

Midsommar, saw, the evil dead plz

midsommar: show ur lock screen + home screen! - Okay so disclaimer time, since I tend to change up my phone's home/lock screen for spooky season, that the art currently serving as my wallpaper was made by Grivetart on deviantART. As I've not spoken to the artist and gotten their permission to show their art on here, you can follow the hyperlink to see it! (I'll also tag @iunxit so they can see it, given they share my love for the certain legend used.)

saw: give a controversial opinion >:3 - Everyone should spend some time in a chill comics fan circle. Preferably DC (tho Marvel is okay,) and preferably with the OC and fanfic part of the community. Why? Because comics, especially DC, are SUCH a shitshow mess of canons and conflicting concepts, and a good OC community with seasoned, chill Fandom Olds to help foster a positive environment, will teach you one of the greatest secrets to unlocking your true power as a fandom creative: It's Your Canon Now.

Seriously, having the DC OC community as my roots for so long has opened my eyes to how suffocating and rigid a lot of other fandoms and their mindsets about fanwork can be. Whereas I'm now one of the Fandom Olds (and heck, a community head) of a small-ish community that has spent years teaching and reminding each other that if we don't like something canon did then fuck it, fix it the way you want it to be. DC has 75+ years of writers and concepts and materials, so if you don't like something, throw it out. Others before you did the same; why should you be limited because you're a fan?

And bringing that same kind of mindset about personal creativity and exploration with me into other fandoms has really left me shocked at how little that sort of creative freedom is encouraged or thought of or embraced. So yeah. I think, much like how a lot of people believe everyone should work in retail or food service at least once in order to have empathy for those workers, that everyone has the potential to thrive and grow and learn from spending time in a comics fandom community even for a short while. You don't have to like comics or superheroes; you just need to find some welcoming and chill people who encourage creative freedom and ideas and teach you that you've got that magic, that power to throw canon the middle finger when it fucks shit up.

the evil dead: do u have any weird/obscure interests? - Not particularly that I'm aware of? I feel like any time I start to think that an interest I have is weird or obscure, this always gets disproven somehow. And even if I think of one right this second and share it, I'm sure someone is going to come along at some point going "wtf that's not weird OR obscure" and the cycle will continue.

#thanks for the ask! #sorry this got long #answered asks #fandom-trash-247 #horror movie ask prompts #horror movie ask game #Cyanide speaks

[intersex-ionality]

I’m sorry for asking but I cannot seem to find any answers. I see a lot of stray anti posts complaining about hazbin hotel, and I can’t for the life of me understand them because I haven’t seen the show. I read a summary of the plot, but perhaps you could explain better. What is it and why do so many hate it (and why have I seen no fewer than 4 unique posts claiming it’s “what happens when you let billdip shippers make things”?)

Now, I was never a billdip shipper, but I suppose I can see the, like, similarity in vibes between Alastor (a demonic radio host with untold evil powers and who speaks in a 1930s radio jockey voice), and Bill.

And since antishippers hate Bill and they also hate Vivienne Medrano, the attempt to compare “billdip” to an entire original cartoon property is, I guess, a logical connection for them.

But let me be clear: there’s absolutely fuck or all that can be said to parallel the popular interpretation of billdip, in no small part because there no Dipper character, and in much larger part because of Alastor extremely rejects all romantic, sexual and even platonic advances.

Antishippers hate Hazbin Hotel because they hate the woman who came up with and spearheaded the project. They loathe Vivienne Medrano for being a successful independent artist capitalizing on the desperate need in the general viewing public for the bright colors, musical numbers, and zany antics that only animation can provide, but without the stifling restrictions of being targetted towards children. Most “adult” animation is focused on being drab or viscerally disgusting as a form of schadenfreude humour. And while children’s animation certainly fills that bright and zany niche, because it is obligated to adhere to the morality of various broadcasters, it’s often very suffocated in what it can or cannot do or say.

The aesthetic that HH/HB has created is clearly a callback to two major styles of animation: the adult-aimed slapstick of early Warner Brothers, and the long-and-lanky exaggerated flailing limbs that were popular as a design choice in low budgets (TV, off-brand film) and fandom animation in the late 2000s.

Since this style of animation is also associated heavily with fandom’s last big burst of creative and sexual freedom before the whole “no boundaries, no barriers, the search algorithms can and will put porn on every child’s dashboard” disasters of 2013-2015, some people are naturally off-put by it, because it reminds them of the time a bunch of corporate overlords decided that they should destroy their own platforms. For whatever reason (it’s the capitalism, probably), people blame individual artists for this trash fire rather than the platform holders that purposefully destroyed organization and boundaries between groups in a desperate bid for ad revenue.

Antishippers have a deep-seated reflex reaction towards hating that art style. You can see it in the hatred of HH/HB, but also in the hatred of things like, “cringey once-ler fans” and of “people who draw all the homestuck like twinks,” and "people who draw Pearl like a man” and all kinds of other places.

Additionally, Vivienne Medrano was at the centre of a few other antishipper fiascos, because her previous projects involved what they call a “pedophilic student-teacher relationship between a child and an adult.” Of course, in truth, the relationship in question is between an 18 year old student and her 19 year old student-tutor, but when have anti-shippers let facts get in their way.

Likewise, she made a living for a while taking commissions for (SFW) furry art work, and has always had a very positive relationship with the furry community (despite not being a furry herself). People upset by her success as an artist are also quick to say that she has sex with animals, “like all furries do,” because as we all know, calling queer artists sexual cirminals is Good Praxis that has Never Caused Harm /sarcasm.

In effect, Vivienne Medrano is a perfect storm of things anti-shippers hate: successful queer creators who refuse to assimilate to heteronormativity; successful creators of color who refuse to assimilate to white respectability; unrepentantly proud of her art; unafraid to engage with sexual themes in a fun rather than puritanical and hateful way; popular in the late 2000s/early 2010s; an ascended fan who was able to turn her fandom credentials into a successful professional project.

Their hatred for all of these facts about her are presented in a way that lets them feel good about lashing out at someone they dislike/are envious of. Namely, by saying that her work is an act of sexual, racial, or gendered violence, rather than, you know, fictional and fun.

HH/HB is not somehow a perfect piece of art. I have made my own discomfort with facets of it very clear. And there are flaws other than my wariness of rehabilitation themes.

Some of the sound design is overwhelming, with a few scenes bordering Johnny Test levels of excessive sound effects; in some cases the editing has clipped too much quiet-space between the presentation of a joke and its punchline; those traits combined with the lack of closed captioning can make the show very hard to process for someone like me who has difficulty with speech.

The immense budgetary constraints of the animation can sometimes be seen in framerate dips or in peculiar background details. Zoomed out shots of the cast as an ensemble are particularly identifiable as places where what would have been filler art in a higher budget production were ultimately left in because there wasn’t time or money to replace them.

The show is extremely upfront about sexuality and especially queer and professional sexuality, which can easily be off-putting to people. Conservative Fox News hosts’ extreme homophobia and violence are put on full display--for the purpose of mocking them for being enormous sacks of shit, but on display nonetheless--which can likewise be uncomfortable.

At one point you see the clearly exposed brain of a cartoon egg, which I won’t lie, makes me gag every time it happens, no matter how stylized and brief the shot. (Why! Does the egg! Have a brain inside it!!!)

But, unironically, HH/HB is the best series of adult animation I have seen in probably a decade or more. Maybe in my entire life. Prior to this, the only option for adult animation that isn’t rooted in sadism or grey-beige palettes was anime, and the design direction and acting of anime are ultimately very different than that of western slapstick.

Obviously, not every anti-shipper is so outraged because they envy the success of an artist other than themselves. But a great many are fuelled by envy, either that they aren’t the success story, or that someone they perceive as The Enemy is a success story.

This is far from the first time that anti-shippers have proudly taken the same side as anti-queer bigots and as open and avowed racists, who also hate the show (for being gay, for featuring an interracial relationship, etc). It won’t be the last. But, for all that their actions are often indistinguishable from the queerphobes and the white supremacists, their motivations are at least meaningfully distinct.

#Hazbin Hotel #I suppose I'm the HHHB defense squad now #what a weird life #Anonymous

[pettyotome]

Mystic Messenger Another Story: V Route Review

Spoilers undercut. Proceed with caution. :)

Okay! So I freaking loved just about everything in this route. It’s incredibly story packed with SO MUCH NEW CONTENT that was totally worth 300 HG. From the talented voice acting, new twists, and getting to know the characters-- Cheritz does not disappoint with this one! Don’t get me wrong, this route wasn’t perfect. There were a few things that fell below my expectations, but overall this route was wonderfully written and I’m replaying this shit after this review.

Prologue: So the introduction for this was very unique, same concept, but with a creative twist. When Unknown messages you for the first time, it actually feels like he’s breaking the fourth wall-- but technically he isn’t. I’ll get to that in a bit! He basically tells you to download the app under the pretense that you’ll be playing a dating sim-- but none of the character’s we’ve known up until this point are real. The MC in this route thinks they are AIs. Unknown’s characterization in this route is so different from the main stories because he’s actually much more tolerable. It honestly feels like they’re not the same person, I didn’t even care for Saeran up until this route so I really liked spending a lot of this route with him. 

Common Route: Day’s 1-4 are just heaven and hell all mixed together, on one hand you’re trying to make the game branch for V’s route so that you can get a happy ending, but on another hand-- Saeran, known as “Ray” takes you to this place to go play the game, and he is being such a huge sweetheart. I just wondered WHY would Cheritz make Ray act this was knowing that we’re supposed to pursue V!! It broke my heart bc I love the both of them. Through these days, you can see that V is the fastest one to accept you. Mostly because you dropped Rika’s name but still. V hopes the best from you and desperately wants you to be someone he can trust, so he starts showing up a lot more because of you, and you can also see that he sort of opens up, it’s very beautiful to see. And then there’s Ray, who gets attached to you a little too quickly here but he’s always caring about your well being. But don’t get too comfortable. Remember when I said he didn’t technically break the fourth wall earlier..? Well, as you go deeper into this route, the MC starts to feel that these characters are so real that it’s not even funny. And at the very end of the common route on day four, you start to question Ray-- your trust in him starts to waver at this point. At the very last second of his route, V shows up at Mint Eye to save you. He’s not an AI. Ray lied to you. It hurts Ray a lot to know that he’s lied to you more than it hurts the MC, depending on your choices but you’re basically torn bc V couldn’t save you from him but he swears that he’ll come back for you and LORD did this kill me.

V and Rika’s relationship: There was a big corner of the MM fandom that was reluctant to have a romantic V route because of V’s deep love for Rika-- how would Cheritz handle giving V and the MC 11 days to bond knowing that V is still recovering from an abusive relationship? Well, good news. Cheritz tackles this issue head on, no tip toeing around this situation. Days 5-10, when V comes to Mint Eye to save you, there is a scene where he is telling Rika that the two of them used to be obsessed with each other. Key word: obsessed. From the main story until now, V always thought that he loved Rika. This was one of my favorite scenes from this route because Cheritz KNEW what we wanted to be addressed while pursuing V and they delivered. And in the chats, V starts to come to the realization that he might have loved Rika at first, but then later what they had stopped being genuine and just became so unhealthy. He was blind to that at first, but then starts to see their relationship for what it really was with help from the MC. 

Romance: As to be expected, this is gonna take some time. Depending on your choices as the MC, you could either throw yourself at V, show him no respect and rush him to forget about RIka and date you-- or you could aid V through his pain and understand that he’s not a bad person for not being able to fully figure out what love is. V’s been dealing with a lot of Rika’s shit for the past six months. While he DOES actually fall in love with the MC, the two don’t even get together until day 11, which is set two years after the events of V’s route. And I loved that Cheritz handled the romance between V and the MC this way. 

Rika���s characterization and interactions with her: I’m the minority of the fandom that actually likes Rika. But I’m also the minority of that minority that wanted to beat her senseless for the shit she’s done. What I really liked about her in this route particularly was that you actually get to talk to her for yourself-- not through the RFA’s clouded image of her. I enjoyed reading the VN scenes where she talks to Jaehee and recruits other members in the RFA. Rika actually had some very cute moments and I lived for them! I empathized a lot with Rika about how she felt like she couldn’t show her dark side to her loved ones. Cheritz unraveled a much more detailed story of her and V’s relationship and answered the questions that were unanswered in the main story. BUT BOY DID THIS BITCH REALLY TRIED ME LIKE I WANTED TO DECK HER SO BAD BUT I FELT FOR HER PAIN. There were actually a lot of moments near the end where Rika chats with the RFA members and... man it breaks my heart to see her so hurt. And right after days 8/9, shit goes down at Mint Eye and for the first time we see that Rika actually actually does care for the people she’s manipulated and hurt-- Ray. In the main story, it seemed like she didn’t care for him that much outside of his loyalty to her and Mint Eye. But when there’s a bombing at Mint Eye and Ray seems to not have escaped-- she cries for him. She REALLY HOPED for him to find a place where he belonged and I’m really proud of Cheritz for showing us more of her emotions. 

V’s development: Let me just say that you gotta be HELLA PATIENT with this man. V means well, incredibly well, but he’s always carrying the burden of his emotional abuse and the RFA on his shoulders. You learn so many new things about how he met the members, his friendship with Jumin, and you get VNs from his mothers point of view! Not only did we get a completely new story, but we have so many new Jihyun details to gush over and it’s great that we got to see VNs of V as a kid, and how that affected his relationship with Rika. Basically, I felt like V’s relationship with Rika was to prepare him for real love-- love that he would have with the MC. In the beginning V is mourning, in denial, trying to hard to sacrifice himself so that nobody gets hurt. He’s stubborn and self-less to a huge fault. But in this route, you as the MC help him to learn how to love himself and care about himself more. it gets to a point where V shuts down Rika and hopes for her happiness-- but says that it’s over. That what they had was not love. V is finally standing his ground and he’s being so much more honest with himself and with Rika. He admits that he shared some faults within the relationship too, like how he suffocated her with love rather than face her mental illness realistically. And the way he wants to protect the MC from her is literally the best thing ever. V cares about you and is genuinely interested in you, telling you that you made him feel things not even Rika gave him. It’s a slow and frustrating development but the MC is patient enough to help him get there. I just love how V cherishes you so much, to the point where Rika has noticed that V has fallen in love with you. And even V knows this himself, but as I’ve said, the romance takes a lot of time but ultimately he chooses you in the end and comes out a much better person-- following his real dreams and being happy!

Other things: Yo Yoosung pissed me the fuck off a lot in this route bc it felt like he was trying to justify the shit Rika did just because of the good girl image he has of her, and although he does come to accept that she’s beyond saving and even drags her away from drugging people at the party in the end, it was so hard not to be mad at him in this route. But he’s someone I had to be patient with too. Yoosung is a good kid and I love him but he drops her name in this route more than he did his own and THAT’S saying something. I understood that he was grieving but he was dead tryna defend a criminal and that had me all the way fucked up. 

JUMINV!!!! Their friendship!!!! And the way Jumin kind of shipped you and V in the end is just the best thing ever, if anyone knows me, I’m a huge Jumin fan so seeing him accept and trust the MC and compliment her strengths had me swooning. OH AND WHEN JUMIN CHECKED RIKA IN THAT ONE CHAT ON DAY TEN, HE WAS BEING SUCH A SAVAGE I FUCKING LOVE THIS MAN. LIKE YES!!!! DEFEND YOUR BEST FRIEND!!!! 

Ray deserves to be happy. Ray deserves his own route. I wanna romance this man and help him escape from the Mint Eye ideology. WHY WOULD CHERITZ MAKE A V ROUTE AND THEN HAVE RAY BE SO SWEET TO US LIKE THIS I LOVE THE BOTH OF THEM SO MUCH BUT I HATED HAVING TO HURT RAY. 

Draw backs: I felt like Cheritz fell back on Rika’s backstory. When Rika tells you that she’s been bullied or that her parents didn’t love her-- I felt like Cheritz didn’t go into enough depth about it so it was hard to sympathize with vague ass stories. As a person whose been bullied and emotionally abused by my family, I felt like Rika didn’t explain enough of what happened to her and it really didn’t cut it for me. And I was also slightly disappointed that Cheritz built up Rika’s character so much only to give an anti-climatic ending where Rika is STILL up to her Mint Eye bullshit, trying to drug everyone at the party with an elixir, only to get dragged away by Yoosung. Which was probably the only good thing he did in this route if I’m being honest. I felt like we never got any answers as to what happened to Rika or Ray after the party and I hope those questions get answered in new V DLCs and After endings when Cheritz updates again. I’m also a little annoyed that 707 doesn’t find out that the hacker is actually his brother but maybe if Ray get’s a route, that would be addressed? I really hope so bc the route was so perfect up until then, bc it didn’t make sense that they never crossed paths in this route. But that’s pretty much all that bugged me.

In conclusion: Whooping Rika. JuminV. RFA shenanigans. RAY’S BLUE FLOWERS. And Jihyun Kim’s happiness!!!! This route was everything I expected it to be and so much more. It was so fucking emotional and had my heart hurting a lot for the past few days, but I’d do it all over again just to see Jihyun’s smile. Thank you, Cheritz. We truly don’t deserve such a good company. 

#v route #jihyun kim #mystic messenger #mysme #mysmes #hikari talks mysmes

[violetsystems]

#personal

It’s been nice to finally emerge from the cocoon of the last two weeks with nothing to do.  I’m very happy about certain things that have found their way into my life.  I’ve gotten the feeling people understand a little more the reasons why I keep things to myself.  It’s gotten me to thinking more about living in America these days in particular.  In other countries, I have been a tourist at best.  My first visit to Hong Kong was to see a cousin I’ve never met.  I embarrassed myself at the dinner table one night mistakingly referring to her as blood.  I found out that day she was adopted.  She was a teacher at a World Peace school that I spoke at about music.  She had pulled me aside to let me know one of the kids was from Iraq and hated Americans.  I spent a good half hour talking about fruity loops after class with that kid.  I didn’t really talk about America or politics.  We talked about eq’s and street music.  She later told me that he really appreciated me taking the time to speak.  Years later nobody really knows or care these little things happened.  I remember walking away from that feeling humble.  I can remember the temperature and the humidity in the atmosphere.  That felt productive and free.  But it had nothing to do with China or Hong Kong at the time.  It was between America and Iraq particularly when I think of it.  It played host to a conversation that wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t step out of my comfort zone.  This was as far back as 2011.  Eight years later I’m still just a whisper on the internet nobody knows anything about.  I haven’t overthrown any governments.  I’ve outrun my own enough to know recreational marijuana is a tremendous feat for this state.  People will forget about us either way.  It’s some weird hush that swoops over Chicago.  Sometimes it can be deafening.  Oppressive waves of peer opinion.  Self doubt echoed through alienation and stares.  These days it’s a lot loss of that.  People around the neighborhood wear Captain America shirts and celebrate Mexican Independence day.  I trade flowers with my neighbor in broken Spanish.  When I’m not working I’m relaxing at home.  The pressures and expectations of local government sort of drift off into progressive civilization here.  We have enough problems of our own to deal with than to overstep our perspective.  That doesn’t mean I don’t care.  But like Mao said talk is cheap.  Or was it Tupac.  I respect both equally.  It actually was DMX.  The pokemon evolution of the two.  I’ve evolved too.  Into a meta cocoon most likely.  The Deep State or the Deep Dish.  Heavy on the cheese either way.

All this is probably just me apologizing for not buying the daybreaks.  Truth be told, I was more excited about Stranger Things.  They closed Nikelab downtown but I copped a sleeveless shirt from the USA soccer collection.  I’ve been wearing clothes as a statement for awhile.  I wear a Daul Kim backpatch on my messenger bag to work every day.  I walk a lot.  I don’t think anybody has ever asked me what that means to me.  These days I just say it’s feminism.  I bought some tea on the way into work on Friday.  The cups were rainbow in design to celebrate pride.  Did it make me think about what that means to America?  Yes it did.  In fact, it hit extra hard when I heard Putin say he thought the West was tired of liberalism.  Speaking of countries imposing their own agenda on democracy whether it was proven or not.  It was actually proven in Florida.  So there is a lot of kool-aid being drunk these days when it comes to power and who has the right to wield it.  Conan taught me the riddle of steel.  Basically that weapons are useless against magic.  Magic is a form of religion I guess.  It’s also a collectible card game.  Every morning I walk into work with a lot of people.  Orthodox Jews, Muslim Women, Street Wizards like myself.  Actually there is only one street wizard allowed per political ward.  I don’t write the law.  There’s an unwritten rule in Chicago that when it snows you can leave chairs in your spot to claim yours dibs.  Woe unto those who relocate a Jesus statue just to claim a convenient parking spot.  The more creative you are with how inclusive you can be the more clear the air is.  Clean air is important for everyone on this planet.  People talk loud enough and suffocate the conversation.  Mao said basically you had to walk the walk.  So did Jane Addams.  So did Face to Face.  I haven’t been face to face yet with any of the dreams that keep me faithful.  I have a vision of love.  Mariah Cary notwithstanding.  The simple fact I can have the freedom to have that vision is a statement in and of itself.  I live in a city where it’s possible for everyone.  Or at least we try our hardest.  Even Eric Trump the shit head he is.  I for the record would have spit on him too.  I’d punch a Nazi too in an earlier version of me.  I think you know where I stand.  I think you all know my life is complex.  I’ve been behind a wheel of pain for years.  Less sensitive about some things.  More sensitive to others.  But I definitely feel like a better person because of it.  Which means the biggest secret is I’m happy.

This doesn’t mean I take any shit on my home turf.  People get offended by that often.  So often that I’ve come to evolve my ways of dealing with it.  Some of the most creative things I’ve done in the past two weeks has been with my finances.  You can blame Forbes for that one.  I also bought the six month subscription to WoW for the mount.  I spend most of my time resting at home on the weekends.  I occasionally leave the house to run or get food.  I’m not antisocial in that respect.  Ironically when people film on my block it’s the least invasive it has ever been.  It’s a different story when you are exhausted and hassled by small invasions of privacy.  I used to get more bothered by it.  These days I know how hard to push back.  I’ve been at spit level trust me.  I feel like it just causes more aggro to react to these people.  You can piss them off so easily by supporting your own team.  Your vision of America.  That is kind of how we work here.  Freedom.  Freedom means a lot of things to a lot of different people and you would think we would want to know them all to make them happy.  That sounds Orwellian to me.  And generally that’s when I pull my famous Ai Wei Wei trick and flick people off.  If I were in mainland China or even Hong Kong the joke would not be so well taken.  If you know how pissed off I get daily when it comes to Russian meddling then you know I care about freedom.  My sense of freedom is not sensitive enough to cause trouble outside my own stomping grounds.  I don’t believe that Russian election meddling has done anything but make people into beasts like me.  America’s strength has always been its resiliency to reimagine itself.  Sometimes that is frustrating when there is no consequence.  I stay at the World Trade Center enough to know.  We brought that on ourselves as a country.  We have an opportunity to learn from that.  And it’s a harsh reality looking in the mirror to see what you’ve become.  When I look outside my window I’m actually kind of pleasantly shocked.  Rainbow or big X in the sky I know it’s all worth it.  Clearing the air so that we can breath and love again.  That’s really where you can help this weekend if you are here in America.  Support your communities.  Support pride in your own way.  And if you are straight like me shut the fuck up, stay home and play dungeons and dragons or something in your Stranger Things Dover Street Market drop.  You’ll thank me for it next month. <3 Tim