#today is the 10 year anniversary of midnight airing which means i have loved this loser for 10 whole years | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alwaysablossom · 3 years

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Fic: 365 Days of Knowing You

Summary: Everyone has learned to tune out Probie for the most part, because they are all used to him not shutting up. So that’s what TK is also doing, until he hears Mateo mention, “Can you imagine it’s almost a year since we all started here.”Or: The 126 celebrates their 1st anniversary and TK tries to show Carlos how much he means to him.

Notes: So two days ago, I posted my first Tarlos FF on AO3. I thought I might share it here as well. Hope you all like it. Please do let me know if you do.

Here goes..

TK has been mindlessly scrubbing the firetruck clean, half listening to Mateo and Marjan’s usual banter. Everyone has learned to tune out Probie for the most part, because they are all used to him not going on and on. So that’s what TK is doing, until he hears Mateo mention, “Can you imagine it’s almost a year since we all started here.”

He shouldn’t really be surprised really. He has been carrying his one-year sobriety chip for a few weeks now. But the realization that he has been with the 126 for almost a year brings another realization, that he has known Carlos just as long. And although they didn’t officially start dating till a few months later, he can still remember the first time he laid his eyes on Carlos, that rainy night of their first shift, the dancing at bar and the sexy times which followed.

“Hey TK, coming?” he hears Marjan says, breaking him out of his thought. Paul and Judd are setting the table for the lunch that Paul has been making for the previous hour. TK nods, jogging up to catch up to her. “Dreaming of Lover boy?” Marjan teases. TK huffs as his ears tinge pink, and Marjan laughs reaching up to ruffle his hair.

Once they are sitting at the table, they all start talking about how to celebrate the one year anniversary of all of the new 126 and decide to do a party the day before at the firehouse because all of them are not working the day of.

The one-year celebrations at the firehouse starts at the end of a 24-hour shift, but there is laughter, food and family. His mother, Grace, and Tommy’s family as well as Carlos join in on the celebration. His dad gives a speech, and they all have cake which is shaped like a firetruck this time.

He moves next to Carlos, wrapping his arms around Carlos’s waist. Carlos automatically wraps his arms around TK’s shoulders, pulling him in closer, pressing a kiss to the crown of TK’s forehead.

“It’s been a year huh?” Carlos asks him softly. “Yeah”, he answers softly, tilting his head, to press a kiss to Carlos’ chin. “Thanks for coming, even if you have a shift in an hour”.

“I wouldn’t have missed it, we kept missing each other this past week, I wanted to be here.” TK moves to stand in front of Carlos, wrapping his arms around his neck. Carlos adjust himself, his arms coming to rest on TK’s hips. “I have missed you” he says. “Well, I get done with my shift at 10 and nothing unexpected happens, I should be back before midnight. Then we have two days free.” TK nods, they have discussed this before. “Will you be there, tonight?” Carlos asks him, worrying his bottom lip. And before TK can answer he adds, “You need not be, I mean you have to rest, you are just finishing a 24 hour shift and- .”

“Hey, Carlos,” TK interrupts. “I will be there, I have all of your shift to rest. Maybe even bring some pancakes for a midnight snack from the diner, for a midnight snack.” He moves his hand, his fingers, caressing at the edge of Carlos’ lip, where he has been biting it. “I would love that” Carlos answers. “We could have a slow morning, I could make breakfast” “Hmm..” TK replies, his lips finding Carlos’ and although the thought of what they are going to do tonight or in the morning tomorrow make him want to deepen the kiss, he is reminded he is still at his work place, even though they are having a party, so he keeps it light.

“I know you are having brunch with your parents tomorrow, but do you think we could spend the afternoon together?” TK asks him as they part from the kiss. “I would like nothing more.” Carlos replies, going once more for a kiss when they are interrupted by Marjan.

“Lover-Boys, come on. I know you haven’t seen each other for more than a few minutes this past week, but you can suck faces later. Right now, I want photos.” She says loudly. Paul and Judd snicker in the background and Carlos hides his face in TK’s shoulder as he feels the blush rising, TK pulling him forward towards the group. “How did you know we haven’t seen each other?” He asks Marjan, but it’s Paul who answers. “Your boy never shuts up, and it’s worse when your shifts don’t line up.” TK pinks up at the comment, and Carlos feels all warm. He knows both of them rarely hide how they feel for each other, but it fills him up with some sort of undeniable comfort, when someone else points it out. “Now come on, the celebration demands pictures before you have to leave.” Carlos has known them for a year now, and knows not to protest, that he is not a part of the fire-family or he is going to get an earful from all of them. So, he joins in.

“I’ll see you tonight” Carlos tells TK as he gets ready to leave. “You bet, I love you. Stay safe.” TK tells him. Giving him a small kiss. “I love you too.” Carlos whispers back, squeezing TK’s hands before getting into his car to drive to work.

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After leaving the firehouse, TK decides to take a nap at his own house, and prep a few things that he needs for tomorrow. The rest he will do when Carlos is with his parents. He packs a duffel for the weekend at Carlos’ although he has enough of his stuff there. He is back at Carlos’ before dark. Changing out of his jeans, he slips on a some sweats and Carlos’ APD hoodie, he relaxes on the couch, switching on some mindless TV waiting for Carlos to get back.

TK is waiting for Carlos when he gets home from his shift. Carlos had texted him when he was almost done with his work and was wrapping up. And in the meantime, TK had gone out and grabbed them the pancakes that he had promised. Once Carlos gets home, he got changed and joins TK on the couch.

“I can’t believe you have pulled me into the dark side” Carlos says, taking a bite of the pancake. “Pancakes at midnight is the best comfort food there is Carlos.” TK argues. Carlos, smiles at him, moving forwards, kissing the pout on his lips. TK tastes like the syrup and the blueberries from their mid-night snack. “I have to admit, I am enjoying them. I was a bit skeptical when you suggested it the first time.”

“My dad and I used to have pancakes at night. Sometimes after his late shift and I just couldn’t fall asleep, because that was the only time, I could spend with him. There was this diner, near his apartment in New York, we would go there and eat pancakes.” He admits softly.

Carlos’ heart breaks for TK, when he listens to him speak about times like that. He knows TK isn’t complaining, but he just wishes he could go back and hold the teenage TK in his arms all the time telling him he is not alone. Instead, he puts his plate down on the coffee table and gathers him up into his arms. “Thanks for telling me.” He murmurs to the crown of his head. “I didn’t mean to make this depressing.”

“Not depressing, okay?” he tells TK, pressing a kiss to his lips. TK hums in reply, moving his plate out of the way, to deepen the kiss. Carlos, lets out a soft laugh when they part for air, “Not in the mood for pancakes anymore?” He asks, smirking knowing where this is going. “Later,” is the only reply he gets, before TK is kissing him once again. They don’t think about the pancakes for a while.

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TK putters around the house once Carlos leave to meet his parents. He washes the dishes from the night before and this morning from the breakfast that Carlos cooked them both. He puts in the laundry as well. They have both been busy this past week, with nigh shifts and overtimes. Once that is done, he moves on to preparing for the date he plans for Carlos.

He decides to stick with his strengths, not attempting to cook anything big, but he does make something of an evening snack for them and puts everything into the basket he finds in the kitchen, along with all the other stuff. He puts everything in the back seat of his car.

TK opens the door when he hears the Camaro pull in with a bouquet of bright orange gerberas in his hand, before Carlos can use his keys to come in. “Hey” he greats him softly. “Hey, that for me? What’s the occasion?” Carlos asks, taking the flowers into one hand, and the other wrapping around TK’s waist, titling a bit to give him a kiss. “Baby, you are always the occasion” he says, with a smirk. “Smartass” Carlos replies with a chuckle, rubbing their noses together.

“Go on a date with me?” TK asks instead. “Flowers and a date, Ty?” Carlos smiles in question. “Will you?” TK has his lower lip between his lips, brows furrowed. “Of course. I’ll go on a date.” Carlos replies and TK. “Okay then” He replies, pulling them both towards his car in the driveway.

“You meant right now?” Carlos asks, “Of course.” He replies. “You didn’t have any afternoon plans, did you?” Carlos shakes his head no but stops TK from pulling him “Then at least let me put these in water, I don’t want them to get spoilt.”

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They drive for a little while, a bit outside the city and TK pulls up to the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. “Why are we here in the middle of nowhere, Ty?” He asks, puzzled. “This is where we met, a year ago today…” TK starts slowly, “The car accident and the baby in the tree” Carlos remembers them meeting as vividly as if it happened yesterday, but he hadn’t remembered that this was the exact spot he had laid his eyes on the person who has now become the most important person in his life.

“Happy one year, ‘Los” TK whispers, bending over the console to give Carlos a lingering kiss. “I know we didn’t start dating till a few months after but meeting you that day is the best thing that happened to me in a long time.” He explains. “Happy one year Ty!” Carlos replies softly, as if speaking a bit louder will break the spell. “You are the best think that happened to me too.” He holds TK’s face in both his hand, pressing their lips together once again.

“So our date is here?” Carlos asks, although it is sentimental, it feels kind of weird to have a date at the edge of the road where they first met. “No” TK laughs. “I just wanted to bring you here, to tell you how much you mean to me, I guess. Now it kind of feels silly.” TK feels his cheeks tinge pink in embarrassment. This all seemed better in his head. “Hey, babe, not silly okay. It means a lot to me too. So, what was your plans?” he ask, gently running his fingers on TK’s neck.

Instead of answering, TK tilts his head a bit, kissing the inside of Carlos’ wrist, before taking the car out of park. They drive a bit more, before they reached the field where they spent the night of the solar flare. This time because Carlos is more aware, he catches up faster.

“The night of the Solar flare, when I decided to give us a real go.” TK says, although he knows that Carlos understands the significance of the place. “I know the sky is not all blue and green, but I thought we could have a picnic and watch the sunset?” he asks. “Yeah” Carlos breathes out.

In all his relationships, Carlos has been the one who has planned dates, made the grand gestures, he did that with TK as well. He never expected anything in return. “Come on” TK says getting out of the car and grabbing a basket and a rug from the back. He should have seen that he is a police officer, he is supposed to notice things, but he was paying attention to his gorgeous boyfriends. Carlos shakes his head, following TK out of the car.

They find a tree; below which TK spreads the rug out and puts the basket down. “Come here” he tells TK once he is sitting with his back to the trunk and looking at the horizon. TK goes willingly, settling between the V of Carlos’ legs, leaning into the chest. They are quiet for a few moments, just enjoying being with each other soaking in the calm and the quiet. Carlos occasionally tilting his head to press a kiss to TK’s head or TK pressing some kisses to Carlos’ jaw and neck, wherever he can reach, without moving too much.

After a while, when TK starts feeling a bit hungry, he shifts out from Carlos’ arms, but Carlos tightens his arms, whining a bit and nuzzles his nose into TK’s neck. “I thought we could eat something” TK tells him with a chuckle, indicating to the basket. With another kiss to the base of his head, Carlos lets him go. TK does not go far, pulling the basket closer and settling right next to Carlos, their shoulders and thighs touching this time. “Please tell me you didn’t cook?” Carlos asks teasingly. “I didn’t want to kill us both and burn your kitchen, but I made some sandwiches and I have some drinks.” TK says defensively. “So it’s a school picnic, then?” He asks, a teasing tone still in his voice. “Carlos” TK pouts. “Sorry sorry. I was just teasing” Carlos raises his arms up in surrender. They finish food TK has brought in comfortable silence.

It’s almost time for sunset, the colors in the sky are changing slightly when TK brings out a box from inside the basket. “Happy one year Carlos” he says handing it over. “What’s this?” He asks opening it, inside it is filled with scraps of paper.

“The first anniversary is the Paper Anniversary, these are our memories from last year” TK tells him softly. Indeed, inside all types of paper, which some people would have thrown out thinking they are scraps. The tab from their date at the bar, tickets stubs from their time at the drive through, post it notes that Carlos has left TK when he had to leave early, a card from the flowers he sent over among others.

“Ty…” He starts, not knowing what to say. He looks up from the box in his lap to TK’s face, beyond him the sky is a pretty shade of pinks and purples and oranges, but he can only see the pink on TK’s cheeks and his green eyes.

“Carlos, last year when I came here to Austin, it was because my dad dragged me here. My life was all grey and cold. Each day this past year, you have added color and warmth into my life. Last year all I wanted was to get through each day, but now I look forward to not just the next day but the years to come, with you, if you will have me.” TK holds both of Carlos’s hand in his. Carlos’ eyes fill with tears.

“Move in with me?” he says instead. “What?” TK asks, surprised by the question. “My life may not have been grey before you got here Tyler, but it is only in this past year that I knew there were so many colors. You changed my life. I know you stay over like most of the time, but move in with me officially, lets make memories at home?

“Yeah…” TK breaths, moving forwards, capturing Carlos’ lips in a bruising kiss. “Yes, yes, yes” he breathes out, punctuated by kisses. Carlos, returns the kisses just as enthusiastically, both of them smiling through the kisses.

Carlos has filled his life with so much joy and warmth, TK can’t wait to show him how much Carlos mean to him. And he is going to do just that, everyday until Carlos lets him.

#tarlos #tarlos fanfic #first fic #first anniversary #carlos reyes #tk strand #126 fire family #marjan marwani #paul strickland #mateo chavez

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savemefromanepicoftimewasted · 5 years

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Growing Up Too Fast

Sam Wilson X OFC Bucky Barnes X Reader Steve Rogers X OFC Time slipped by without anyone noticing, before anyone knew, it was suddenly midnight, the kids still all awake. a/n:this is going to be the final fic to this series, I’m sad to say!

10 Years Later

It felt strange, knowing that the kids were all teenagers already, where had my little babies gone? I mean, it was too bad, even if sometimes Becca, or Sammy refused to acknowledge both Y/N and I if we had to pick them up from school. We wanted to give them a normal life, where people didn’t go after them because I was there dad.

“Your uncle said he’s bringing the kids over to stay so him and Aunt Krista can go on a little vacation, you’ll be on your best behavior, right?” I glanced between Sammy, and Becca, raising a brow when they ignored me.

Y/N shook her head, wiping down the mess that had accumulated on the counter.

“You know, I can text Uncle Tony and have him turn off those devices for the next month.” Becca nearly slammed down her phone, her attention on me suddenly.

“Sorry dad, I was texting Rosie.” Oh, well I guess that wasn’t so bad. “Still, your mom and I said no phones at the table.” Sammy put his phone down before Y/N could grab it from him.

The kids would be here soon, and if I wanted to make sure the house didn’t look like a dump, I’d have to help Y/N clean up.

“They’re here!” Becca jumped up from her seat, running outside to greet Cap, and Grant who’d jumped out of the car.

Rosie was laughing at the two pups that had managed to wrangle Becca down onto the ground, smothering her with kisses. Rosie plopped down beside her, playing with Grant’s ears as Cap laid down on Becca. Sammy headed outside to greet Steve, Krista, and Haley.

“He definitely has a crush on that girl, it’s so obvious.” Y/N wrapped her arms around my waist, running the tips of her fingers along my left arm.

“Trust me, I know.” I shook my head, heading outside to help Steve.

The kids were all talking, too fast for any of us to really figure out what they were saying, maybe it was for the best that no one bothered to ask.

“Hey, thanks for offering to watch the kids.” I shook my head, it really wasn’t a big deal.

“You did it for Y/N and I when we went on vacation, it’s the least I could do for you guys.” Krista called over the two pups, showering them in kisses as the kids all headed inside.

It was late enough that everyone had at least eaten dinner already, but early enough where we could spend some time before everyone had to head off to bed.

Cap followed behind Steve as he headed inside, placing down the kids bags by the door.

“Be good for Uncle Bucky and Aunt Y/N, you guys hear me?” Steve had put on his best Captain America face, how it still worked on the twins, I wasn’t sure.

“Okay dad, have fun with mom.” They all said their goodbyes, giving hugs and kisses to cheeks before Steve and Krista headed off.

The living room was silent for a few moments, before Becca and Rosie broke the silence by announcing they were heading up to her room to hang out and talk. Sammy, and Aj plopped down onto the couch, Haley following suit.

“You guys don’t have to feel awkward here, just want you to know that.” Haley and Aj both looked up, it was weird looking at the kids I’d held as babies so long ago.

“We know Uncle Buck, it’s why dad wanted us to hang out so much when we were younger.” When the hell had they gotten so smart?

“Oh, right.” I nodded towards Aj and headed into the kitchen.

Y/N sighed to herself, plopping down onto the couch and letting Cap jump up so he could cuddle with her. Even though Becca was fifteen, and Sammy was fourteen, I wasn’t entirely sure what to do with four teenagers, and a soon to be preteen. They were on summer vacation, so they weren’t missing any school, but it was still going to be weird.

“Sam said he’s gonna bring Ella by with Anna tomorrow, we were gonna head out and do some grocery shopping.” I swear, that’s what they bonded over the most.

“That’s fine hun, tell him to bring over their swimsuits so we can go swimming.” She was silent, but I wouldn’t doubt that she was sending a text to let Anna know.

The house seemed to settle after a few minutes, the girls upstairs were giggling at whatever was on their phones, while the boys, and Haley, were watching tv with Y/N. It was nice, peaceful in a way that it usually wasn’t. That was due to the two teenagers that liked to make Y/N and I more stressed than we ever needed to be.

I plopped down beside Y/N on the couch, reaching over to pat Cap’s head as he relaxed on the plush cushions.

“He’s getting old, just like his dad.” Cap barely lifted his head, deep brown eyes staring over Y/N to where I was.

“Steve’s had him for what, almost sixteen years? He’s gonna get old eventually.” It was strange looking at the dog that had brought Steve and his wife together, the very dog that helped get me during my own panic attacks.

No, now’s not the time to get upset over the thought of Cap getting old, think of all the good memories you’ve made with him. Steve’s his owner, the person who helped raise him into the dog he is today.

“Are you nervous about giving your press conference on Friday?” Y/N leaned over, resting her head against my shoulder.

“A little, not everyday I get to tell everyone I’m retiring from being an Avenger.” Tony had set us up with a bank account, to ensure we’d still be able to get paid even after stepping down.

“You’re gonna do great.” She smiled softly, pressing a kiss to my jaw.

Sammy groaned, covering his face with both hands.

“Hey, your moms trying to be supportive, don’t act like a little shit.” That got a giggle out of Haley, and Aj both.

“You guys don’t need to be macking it on the couch, we have guests.” Sammy gestured to Aj, and Haley, even throwing a look towards Grant who’d made himself comfortable on the floor.

I couldn’t stop the snort that slipped through, covering my mouth to try and prevent from waking both Cap, and Grant. Y/N simply rolled her eyes, patting my thigh gently before getting comfortable once more.

Time slipped by without anyone noticing, before anyone knew, it was suddenly midnight, the kids still all awake.

“Alright guys, time for bed.” I helped Y/N off the couch, nudging Cap off and pushing him towards the dog bed Steve had left.

“You said Uncle Sam’s coming over, right?” Sammy looked almost hopeful, it was kind of adorable. “Yeah, he’s bringing over Ella too.” Now wasn’t the time to be discussing tomorrow’s plans.

Sammy all but ran up to his room, Haley and Aj heading up to the guest room they would be using to sleep for the rest of the night. Y/N wrapped her arm around my waist, pulling us into the room so she could change, and lay down.

“You’re amazing for doing this for them hun, most people would never agree to watch their best friends teenage kids for a week.” I merely shrugged, pulling out a pair of sweatpants to change into.

“He did it for us, it’s the least we could do for them. And plus, his kids are really well behaved.” When I turned back around, Y/N had her arms crossed, a smirk playing at her lips.

“You’re just a softie and don’t want to admit it.” Y/N changed into her pajamas, laying down in the bed.

I blushed softly, pulling off my shirt and jeans, and pulling on the sweats that Y/N had gotten me as a gift for our anniversary. They were some of the best pants I’d gotten, and I wasn’t about to tell anyone where she’d gotten them. I slipped in beside Y/N, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her flush to my chest.

“I love you, so much.” Y/N’s cheeks were dusted in a light pink, a small smile on her face.

“Don’t gotta sweet talk me Buck, you already got me.” I couldn’t help but scoff.

“Babe, even if I already got ya, I’m still gonna do what it takes to make sure you’re happy.” That caused her cheeks to darken even further. It was beautiful.

She didn’t say much of anything, choosing to curl up in my arms before falling asleep. I’d do anything I could to protect her, and our kids.

~~~ “Dad! Mom says it’s time for breakfast.” Who the hell was yelling at me? And why the hell was the sun so bright?

I rolled onto my back, groaning at the tightness of my muscles for a second before it dissipated, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

“What time is it?” I glanced over at the clock, noticing that it was nearly ten thirty.

That was definitely the latest I’d slept in years, normally I was the one getting up and getting everything ready for the day. Did I give off a vibe to Y/N? Or was she using her mother’s intuition to figure out how tired I really was?

“I’m coming.” I pushed out of the bed, heading down to where everyone else was.

The smell of bacon, eggs, and pancakes fill the air enticingly. Y/N was definitely the better cook out of the two of us, but I never forced her to make dinner when she was exhausted. It takes two to make a family, which means equal effort on both sides.

“Smells great babe, how come you didn’t wake me though?” I stepped over to where she was, wrapping my arms around her waist.

“You were sleeping like the dead, figured you could’ve used a few more minutes of sleep.” Oh, well that wasn’t so bad I guess.

The kids were all eating, and even the dogs had already eaten. Man, I really did miss a lot this morning. Well, Sam would be here any minute, and I needed to eat before they got here.

“Go ahead and eat, Sammy’s gonna make sure the pools clean before you guys go in it today.” That was nice of him to do.

I made myself a plate, plopping down at the table and digging in, the pancakes were fluffy, and the bacon just on the right side of too crispy. It was the perfect breakfast to dig into before Sam and his entourage arrived.

Becca was raising an eyebrow at me, while both Haley, and Rosie were giggling to themselves. What was so funny?

“Is it really necessary that you’re sitting at the table shirtless dad?” I glanced down at my naked chest. That’s right, I’d forgone a shirt when Y/N and I had gone to bed. “They’re gonna see it anyway when we go swimming, and besides, the scars are barely visible anymore.” Becca rolled her eyes, finishing off her eggs, and orange juice with a sigh.

And I was right, Sam showed up right as I’d finished eating my breakfast, little Ella running behind in her bathing suit and sundress. She looked absolutely adorable, and it reminded me of when my kids were young.

“Man, do you always have to show off your abs?” Sam gestured to my naked chest and stomach with his hand, Anna, his wife, laughed as she stepped over to Y/N. “I don’t sleep with a shirt on Sam, it gets way too hot if I do.” He'd known that too, because Steve was the same way.

He rolled his eyes, heading into the backyard where all the kids, and the dogs were, heading down to the pool with Ella.

“Anna and I are heading out, so try not to kill Sam before we get back please?” Y/N bent down, her lips pressing against my own in a chaste kiss.

“I’ll try, but no promises babe.” Anna laughed once more before dragging Y/N out of the house.

I headed down to our bedroom, changing into a pair of my own swim trunks before going outside to where the pool was. The weather was a little humid for what I normally liked, but it meant the pool wouldn’t be ice cold. The kids were already swimming around, Sam holding onto Ella as he lazily floated.

“Man, I’m gonna end up living in your pool during the summer, I swear.” Sam propped Ella up a little more, so that her body was half in, half out.

“That how Becca is, especially whenever Steve and Krista come over with the kids.” I stepped over to the stairs, stepping into the pool slowly.

The water was warm, almost like lukewarm bathwater, but it felt nice compared to the sticky air that surrounded us. Maybe Y/N could ask Steve and Krista if they wanted to come over after they got back, have a barbecue with everyone.

“Was it difficult? Retiring I mean?” I’d gone over the pros and cons a million and one times, but the nerves always got to me.

“It was weird at first, not getting called into action if something was ever going on, but when Anna told me she was pregnant I knew that being retired was the better option, never looked back.” That made me wonder how Y/N felt whenever I’d gotten called away on a mission, back when the kids were young.

“Steve’s been telling me to retire for the last ten years, I was just so afraid of something bad happening after I’d stepped down that I couldn’t help myself.” Sam nodded, swimming over to where I was waist deep.

The kids were all splashing, both dogs running back and forth at the deeper end to try and figure out what they were doing. It was a nice scene to watch, to know that my family was going to be safe, no matter who was an Avenger.

“I’m doing my press conference on Friday, mostly because Steve’s coming back on Thursday and I’d hoped he could help give some advice on what not to say.” I’d gotten into arguments with people online, especially when they’d try to degrade either Steve, or my name.

“Don’t swear, that’s the biggest one he’ll tell you. And, don’t slouch.” I looked over to Sam, raising a brow curiously.

He simply shrugged, but then again, he’d already had to do this on his own before.

The rest of the day was spent in the pool, until everyone complained that they’d gotten pruney and it was time to get out and get some food. Y/N was back with Anna, putting away the groceries as five kids ran inside to eat. Sam was still holding Ella, who’d managed to fall asleep while wading around.

“Thank you for having us over, and letting Anna do some shopping on her own.” Sam smiled over at the woman he’d called his wife.

She was everything he ever needed in a woman, and she definitely didn’t take shit from anyone either. Steve had approved of her within a few minutes of greeting her, and Y/N and I weren’t too far behind. She fit right into the little family we’d made, bringing in a little girl for Sam to protect for the rest of his days.

“No need to thank me Sam, it’s what friends are for.” I smiled at him, waving as Anna opened the car to where Ella’s booster seat sat.

“I expect to see you at her sixth birthday next week.” Sam pointed an accusing finger at me as he headed over to Anna.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, you know that.” Anna took the sleeping child from his arms, setting her into the seat and buckling her in before getting into the car herself.

I waved em off, waiting until their car was much too far away to see before heading back inside to sit down and eat dinner. Y/N had offered to cook once more, claiming that she wanted to since we had exerted all our energy while swimming.

“Babe, you know I can do that, right?” She gave me a ‘you better sit down before I make you’ type of look, that meant business.

“I want to do this Buck, so go and relax for now.” I nodded at her, plopping down at the table before she brought out the wooden spoon.

She’d only ever had to use it once before, and that was when she had been pregnant with Becca and I refused to listen. Never again.

I watched as she cooked, entranced with the way she looked so beautiful in doing something that seemed so mundane. It was just spaghetti night, nothing too fancy, and yet she made it look so effortless.

“What’s everyone want to drink?” Y/N had her head in the fridge, looking at the assortment we now had.

The kids all yelled out the same thing, which was hilarious in of itself, I preferred to just drink water with dinner, she knew that. Once everything was done, and mixed together, Y/N handed out the drinks and set the bowl of spaghetti on the table. Everyone scooped out their amount, putting parmesan cheese on top, and digging in happily.

“You make it just like mom does, it’s so good.” Rosie practically melted in her chair, a content sigh echoing in the air.

“I actually taught your mom how to make this when we were younger, especially when we were living on our own and could barely afford bread for the week.” Y/N scooped up a big bite for herself, eating contently.

She’d told me about her past years ago, wanting to get my mind off the way things hadn’t been so positive for myself. I liked hearing the stories though, it was adorable knowing that the woman who gave birth to my two children, had once been utterly terrified of needles.

“Dad tries to get mom to talk about her past, but then she feels bad because of what dad went through.” I glanced over to Y/N, staying quiet to not cause issue at the table.

“It’s understandable though, he didn’t grow up like your mother or Aunt Y/N, he grew up in a time where we were going through the depression, and couldn’t even afford bread for a month. If it’s really bothering her, just have her talk to your aunt, she’ll help her out.” Y/N blushed for a moment, finishing off her plate.

No one else brought up conversation after that, though it didn’t feel awkward, which was a nice surprise. Nothing worse than upsetting your nieces and nephew when they still had to stay at your house. There wouldn’t be bad news to relate to Steve, or Krista when they got back home.

~~~ It felt as if I’d blinked, and Friday was upon us, staring us in the face almost angrily, even though I wanted to deny that it was actually angry. Tony had sent over a suit for me to wear, it wasn’t anything flashy, which was nice for a change, but it meant I needed to change and head to the compound.

“You’ll do just fine, we’ll be waiting for you.” Y/N finished tying the knot of my tie before sliding it up to rest at the base of my throat.

Steve and Krista weren’t back from their vacation, so he’d unfortunately miss the press conference. The kids were happy to go with though, be a little support group when I finished telling the world I was done fighting.

The drive over was nerve wracking, enough to nearly make me sick. Y/N held my hand the entire time, fingers laced with my own. The kids were all quiet, talking amongst themselves about something they were all into at the moment.

The compound loomed over us like a black cloud, the amount of news vans sitting outside brought another wave of fear over me. What if I did manage to screw all of this up? What would happen then?

Tony was standing outside, away from where everyone could see him so he could show us the way inside. Y/N parked and got out, waiting until all five kids were out before stepping around to where I was waiting for her.

“Ready to do this?” Tony stepped over, patting my bicep gently before walking back inside. It was obvious that everyone was sectioned off into a room, unable to see us just yet.

“Nervous, not gonna deny that.” I turned to look at Y/N, who was smiling happily, stepping back to give Tony and I some room.

The reporters were talking softly, though the volume was still too loud to calm my nerves that were currently racing. Tony walked out first, stopping right next to the podium that I would have to stand in front of, and give my speech. I took a slow deep breath, and walked out after him. The cameras were flashing, people yelling out my name to try and get my attention, but I was only here for one thing.

“Thank you all for coming here today, but we’re not here to discuss anything about me, today it’s about my good friend, and fellow Avenger, James Barnes.” Tony stepped away from the podium entirely, letting me step up.

It almost felt as if the world were spinning as I glanced out at everyone, noticing a few familiar faces from watching the news occasionally. Though, there was one face at the very back I recognized immediately. Steve was smiling, trying to hide under the baseball cap he had on. Of course.

“Thank you, Tony. I’m here today to announce my retirement from the Avengers. I’ve been working side by side with them for almost sixteen years, and my time has come to an end. I’ve met some amazing people on the way, and helped save thousands of lives, but now is the time for myself, and my family,” I took a breath, feeling tears well up.

“I thank you for coming out today, and for your support for what we’ve done over the years. Thank you.” I stepped down and glanced over to Tony, before heading out to where Y/N and everyone else were.

As I suspected, Krista was standing with Rosie, Aj, and Haley. She looked the happiest I’d seen in years, so maybe the vacation was long overdue.

“The speech was perfect Buck, told you everything would be fine.” Y/N patted my cheek gently, pressing her lips to my own.

“Thank you hun, I was nearly sweating bullets standing up there.” Steve stepped out of the room, ensuring no one saw him leave.

“Bout time you retired, old man.” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.

“You’re only a year younger than me punk, watch what you say to me.” Krista laughed, pulling the kids over to where we were.

It felt amazing to watch the family I’d made stand together happily, my two kids standing with Steve and his wife, their three kids laughing together. This was how life was meant to be, and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

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wiremagazine · 4 years

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WIRE MAGAZINE PROFILE ON DRAG ICON HENRIETTA ROBINSON

By Thomas Barker Photos provided by Henrietta’s friends

Everyone on South Beach knows famed South Beach Diva Henrietta. She's the gay guy who is always dressed in drag – whether she's grabbing a quick bite to eat, taking a bus or taxi to one of her house cleaning jobs, or having a nightcap at TWIST.

And nothing she wears when she dresses like a woman is fake. Her chinchilla outfit, lace or silk gowns, large-carat diamond rings, gold bracelets – they're all real, just as real as Henrietta.

She's been a fixture on the Beach for 50 years now, and that's why she's celebrating her golden anniversary here! Her two claims to fame are cooking and cleaning, both of which she continues to do incessantly and to perfection. Henrietta made a name for herself as she found her true self in Miami Beach, thanks to a supportive uncle and tons of friends she made wherever she worked.

She ran away from a very unstable family situation in Boston as soon as she turned 18 years old. She knew she was gay as a kid and was ostracized by her family and friends throughout the sensitive years of growing up. So once she left, she never looked back and it took her family a year to realize where she was.

At age 19, she saw her first drag show. At age 22, she dressed up as a woman for the very first time (other than when she was 10 or 11 and dressed up in her sisters' clothes). She won Miss Florida in 1969 singing, not lip-synching, "On a Clear Day You Can See Forever." Then after her favorite uncle died in the early ‘80s, she never wore men's clothes again! Her outfit became permanent!

"When my uncle passed away, that's when I said that's it," Henrietta recounted. "I started living that way from then on – it was permanent drag from then on! I was gay, of course, and wasn't ever interested in a sex change or anything."

Henrietta saw the ups and downs on the Beach for five decades – and boy, what history there was and what details she remembers! Hopefully, someday we'll have a copy of her memoirs since it's such a rich history that would be important for every gay little boy and girl!

We're happy that Henrietta maintains her happy, optimistic outlook on life and continues to love the Beach very much – she actually sees a renaissance of gay life here today, saying it's getting better and better.

So as Henrietta celebrates her golden anniversary, 50 years of life on Miami Beach, here's just a peek into her life and what made her who she is! Check out her party at TWIST this Friday, Sept. 28 at midnight – and bring an appetite, she says, since she will be offering up some of her most sumptuous tastings!

Thomas Barker: When and how did you arrive on Miami Beach, Henrietta? Henrietta Robinson: I came to Miami Beach in 1958. My uncle, my mother's brother, had a restaurant here. I was 18 years old and never was on my own in my life until then. I lived a pretty sheltered life in Boston. My mother died when I was born. When I was growing up, I never got along with my father and he always blamed my mother for everything; they didn't get along either since she was Italian Catholic and he was Jewish. You just didn't have mixed marriages back then, it was very strict. Eventually, I was raised by my grandmother, my father's mother. She took me and my two sisters in, but I haven't spoken to them in 35 years. They didn't want anything to do with me since, when they had children, they thought I would molest them since I was gay. That's what they believed at the time. So my grandmother kept an eye on me all the time. I couldn't go out and play with other kids and was kept in the house all the time.

TB: How old were you back then? Did you realize you were gay at an early age? HR: Oh, I was 10 or 11 years old. I knew I was gay since I loved playing with my sisters' dolls. I loved dressing up! When my sisters dressed me up, my grandmother would go through the roof! My sisters were a lot older, they were 18 and 20 years old. I was the baby in the family.

TB: So how did you finally get out of that horrible situation? HR: I met this kid next door and he didn't get along with his father. He wanted to get out since he was fighting with his father all the time. He was going to Florida to live with his grandparents since they invited him to. So he invited me to come with him. He said there was no reason for me to put up with what I had to put up with and nobody would know where I was – we were both 18 years old at the time.

TB: How could you afford it, though? HR: My grandmother used to give me an allowance, $10 a week and put it in a bank account in my name. Every week, I put money in the account. She never dreamed that I would go to the bank to withdraw it, though! So I sneaked away one day when my grandmother was gone and went to the bank. So the people asked me where my grandmother was and I said it was a surprise, it was her anniversary and I never bought her anything all these years so I wanted to take out $200, and they thought I was a very good grandson. So I went home and snuck out that night with my friend and took off on a bus for Florida. It was a whole year before they ever realized where I was.

TB: What did you do when you arrived in Miami Beach? HR: I worked in a drugstore on 71st Street at the fountain as a dishwasher – I never worked a day in my life until then! There was a waitress who fell in love with me because her son was in the service in Germany and she said I looked just like her son with blue eyes and blonde hair. So she doted on me and did everything for me. She knew my whole story. Once she got friendly with a lady, a year later, who came to the soda fountain who said: "Oh, I see you have a helper." So she told her my whole story and she listened carefully. She asked how late we were open and we told her 11 p.m. So a few hours later she came back, but she was with a man. So the man asked my waitress friend, "Could I have the kid wait on me?" And she said "Sure." So he told me that he understood my mother passed away a long time ago and that I had an uncle in Miami Beach. He was Italian and looked like Edward G. Robinson and was in the rackets. So he asked me if I would like to meet my uncle and live here – and I said, sure, if he's nice! So he looked at me and said "I've got news for you kid, I'm your fuckin' uncle!" I nearly fell to the floor!

TB: How did you know it was really him? HR: He took a picture out of his wallet and said "This is your father and this is your mother." Then he said he had a restaurant around the corner and he wanted me to go there to help his wife who worked there. So I told him I could wash dishes and clean up. He told me to move out of the hotel I was staying in and that I was moving into his house. He had a duplex on 77th Street. That's when everything started!

TB: What do you mean, "everything started"? HR: The buses from Hollywood used to connect on 71st Street and the bus drivers used to come into the drugstore because it had air conditioning. One day, one of the bus drivers asked me – he knew right away – if I ever saw a drag show. So one night after work I took a bus to Collins and 163rd Street to go to a drag show – the first time I had ever gone out! There were hotels run by the mafia up there that had clubs run by drag queens. One was the Aztec and they used to have lounges inside. Shows would start around midnight and last until 2.am. It was legal there, but not on the Beach. So there I was all innocent watching drag shows. I became friendly with the bus driver and then one Halloween he wanted to dress me up! And that was it! Once I put on those heels and that wig! That was in 1962 when I actually started drag at age 22. I liked it and started performing there. We always sang live back then. Nobody did lip-synching. I did country and they loved it!

TB: Your uncle knew all about it and didn't care? HR: He didn't give a shit! He was from New Jersey and ran nightclubs and used to make good money off drag queens and gays in the back room of the clubs. The police wouldn't bother him because he was paying them off just liked he did here in Miami. The police in Miami Beach were all country boys back then and they used to go around and pick up everybody who didn't live or work on the Beach. That's why there were no blacks on the Beach. The summertime, they didn't care, but after November 1 they cleaned up the streets. But one time, I had this cop get smart with me and said I had a woman's blouse on, it was a European fashion with ruffles on it. And I said no, I didn't and showed him the store bag where I bought it. And he couldn't do a thing. Besides, all the police used to come and eat at my uncle's restaurant whenever they wanted to! He even knew Rocky Pomerance, the famous Chief of Police for Miami Beach in the ‘70s! He used to come around all the time. He was Italian!

TB: What was your greatest memory of the Beach at that time? HR: That's when I won Miss Florida in 1969, I sang "On a Clear Day." That was on Alton Road where the Boston Market is. There was a gas station next door to the biggest gay club around that had a back room, called the Mayflower Lounge, run by the mafia. When you walked through the door, there were two huge ballrooms with two bars on both sides of the room. Everybody was dancing and having a good time – but there was a big light in the room and when it went on, everybody ran to their seats because the cops were coming in. But they didn't bother us because it was the mafia and they were getting paid off! Then, I learned about 21st Street which is where the gay beach and some bars were. So I learned a lot over the years as I continued to do shows and work at my uncle's restaurant.

TB: So your uncle had a very positive influence on your life here compared to what you had in Boston? HR: He always said he didn't care what I did after work as long as I didn't stay out too late and showed up for work in the morning. He taught me a lot – like how to pay my rent and all my bills. He brought me all my bills with my name on them, like the electric bill, and I had to pay them every month. Apartments were $15 a month in the summertime and $25 in winter! I was making $40 a week back in 1960. That paid my rent and everything, and I still had money to live on! Of course, my uncle taught me how to cook and I eventually became a chef. I worked for 27 years as a chef in restaurants and I never missed a day in that 27 years! I was the top cook at my uncle's restaurant and was making $150 a week, which was a lot of money back then. My uncle died in the early ‘80s and the restaurant was sold to Canadians.

TB: What did you do after that? HR: My aunt had moved up North with her sister because she had a lot of family there, but I didn't want to go since I knew what to do, I was educated, and had an apartment here. I worked in a few other restaurants, like this huge restaurant called Piccolos on First Street, where Amnesia was. They owned both sides of the street on Washington Avenue. When the owner died, the kids took over and lost everything. They were drunks, gamblers and into drugs. The mother had to sell everything. Then, I actually wound up back at my uncle's place, Marios. I met the Canadians who owned it who were having problems with their cook and they hired me back. I started making $300 a week! I worked there for another three years when they had to go back to Canada and the restaurant was sold again and called Paesanos. That's when I went into my own business of housekeeping and catering. That was in the mid-’80s.

TB: How did that start? HR: I met one of my customers from the restaurant one day while I was looking for another job and she hired me as a housekeeper. Once she saw how good I was, her daughter also hired me, and then their friends and the next thing you know, I had my own cleaning business. And I kept up a catering business on the side, as well when all these people threw parties.

TB: How did you wind up with the name Henrietta? HR: One of the people at the clubs said I had to have a new name since they originally called me Miss Robinson – after the Simon and Garfunkel hit in 1967. My real name was Milton Henry Robinson. So this friend said, why not Henrietta? That was a nice sounding English name! So I changed my name to Henrietta over the years. That's when Henrietta started, when I won Miss Florida in 1969 which was held on Halloween. People would line up on Alton Road to see the parade – only on Halloween. The police couldn't do anything since you were in "masquerade." It was a 24-hour party, all day and all night! And everybody made their own gowns at the time, since nobody could afford to do anything different. But I saw a gown in a store and I told my uncle "I want that gown for the Halloween party!" So he took me into the store on 71st Street called Parker's and my uncle bought the gown for me! And I wore my hair shorter, more in a European style while everyone else was wearing long hair, the style of the 60s and 70s.

TB: When did you start to continually dress in drag? HR: When my uncle passed away, that's when I said that's it. I started living that way from then on – it was permanent drag from then on! I was gay, of course, and wasn't ever interested in a sex change or anything. People always respected me for the way I was – and I always had boys lined up at the door! I had no trouble there! I worked for so many straight people, I became family and all their kids loved me.

TB: Why did you dress in your particular style? Did you model yourself after anybody in particular? HR: I always loved Dolly Parton! That's why I wear high blond hair all the time and love Country and Western music! I loved her and Patti Page – I sang her song, “Tennessee Waltz.” And there was Tammy Wynette since I always sang “Stand By Your Man.”

TB: But in terms of drag queens, you're not like anybody else, like Adora, for example. HR: Adora is a great artist. There was one lady, an owner of a club up there on Collins who told me if you want to be a lady, act like a lady. Wear nice clothes like a lady, don't go out on the streets dressed like a prostitute. She told me, "You are a lady" and from that day on I did everything real. All my jewelry is real – real diamond rings, bracelets, and necklaces. I wanted everything to be real like me – nice clothes, nice hair, nice jewelry. That's how it started for me. When I dress up and walk down the street, nobody blinks. And they know me at Neiman Marcus or Saks when I walk in – it's "Oh, Henrietta!' and they drop everything to wait on me. I take pride in all that I do! They all looked after me. People used to always say, "You're just like one of the girls, Henrietta." I can tell you stories you wouldn't believe! One of my customers came walking out of the shower naked the other day in front of me and she apologized. I said, "Don't worry honey, that doesn't bother me, but if it were your husband…" She laughed and said, "Well, you can have him!" I went to Jackson one time and they put me in the woman's ward before they found out about me! The next thing you know, two days later, I have my own private suite. They rushed me across the hall so fast, you wouldn't believe it!

TB: So when did things start to change for gays on Miami Beach? HR: After 1969 – the 1970s on. After the civil rights movement. They wouldn't touch you in 1970. Civil rights and gay rights went hand in hand. Blacks, up until then, were not allowed on the Beach after sunset unless you had a paper saying where you worked and when you worked – or you were trotted off to jail, or dropped off over the causeway and told never to come back. Gay rights started thriving as well – drag queens were walking around all over the place and some were even getting their breasts done at that time. They were going to Mexico to get them done where it was cheaper. Some had entire sex changes done.

TB: What about the influence of the gay community on the Beach? HR: Everything started to change little by little and started opening up. The straight people had nothing to do with fixing up South Beach – it was the gay community who came here to do that. Only when it was fixed up did the straight community start coming here. You could go up and down South Beach streets and the old people were sitting on the porches of these run-down buildings waiting for death to take them. And the gay community came in, supported the preservation movement, and opened many businesses here.

Then what about the late ‘80s and ‘90s – drag seemed to be everywhere. There was Barios, WPA, Mulberry Street – drag shows were everywhere. I loved WPA and Mulberry Street. That's when the Beach really turned gay since you also had other clubs like Club Z, Warsaw, Salvation, and then TWIST opened in 1993. It was a great time to be gay on South Beach and it made it easier for all of us. The Chelsea Hotel on 9th and Washington was even owned by a black guy (Vernon Garraway) who bought it in 1989. But the City still looked down on him and it was hard for him to run it. Nothing could ever be owned by a black person on the Beach in the past. But he was really accepting of the gay community and they really liked to go there. Then the gays were pushed out after the police raids on TWIST, 1235, and Groove Jet. But now more and more gays are coming back because they have more money now.

TB: Did you ever imagine the Beach would come full circle to where it is today? HR: I never thought in my time the gay community would be so free to be who they are and not be hassled by the police. In my day, if you walked down the street and if the police thought you were gay, they had the right to beat you up. They always said you looked at them the wrong way or you touched them. They had no hesitation in throwing you in jail. Now, I love it! Gay life has always flourished here – whether it was underground or above ground; or whether it was 23rd Street or 12th Street. Gays were everywhere and in every profession. Today, I feel so free and it's such a pleasure! A lot of these young gay kids don't know what somebody like me has gone through. And they don't have too many people to learn about the history since all the old-timers are gone.

TB: Who are your best friends here today? HR: I'm always working so much so I don't get out that much anymore. But when I do, my best friend is Leo! I love Leo. We became good friends over the years and he's just wonderful. I don't have any boyfriends – even though I had many husbands years ago! But I was stupid since I spoiled them and they didn't appreciate it. I even bought one of them a car! Most of them turned out to be bisexual and the next thing I knew, they were taking off with a girl.

TB: What advice can you give to members of the gay community after 50 years of living here? HR: I just think it's wonderful that people can do what they want to do today. People live in very precious, precious times right now. You don't have to go through what I went through. You should do what you want and be free. If people had to live what I went through, half of them wouldn't make it! We've come a long way. Once people found out you were gay, you were blackballed and you couldn't get a job. Now retail, hotels, bars, and restaurants couldn't survive without gays! So don't be afraid to be yourself – you'll fit right in on South Beach today!

TB: Did you ever have any role models on the Beach or did anybody here influence you? HR: Not individual people. What was more important was that when I went out as a woman, people accepted me. This was me, I was a woman now, and that was it – and people accepted me for that.

TB: What's in store for Henrietta in the future? Retirement? Writing your memoirs? HR: If I retire, I'm going to stay here and still take care of some of my customers. I'm just going to relax more and travel more. I'm just so loyal to my customers, more than I am to myself! I don't want to work seven days a week anymore! I know, sometimes I can't say no, though. And yes, I'm going to write my memoirs! Going all the way back to when I was living with my grandparents and how mean they were to my happy days today on South Beach and all the wonderful people I've encountered!

Read Henrietta Robinson's in Memoriam in Wire Magazine

#wire magazine #wiremag.com #wire #miami #miami beach #south beach #sobe #fort lauderdale #wynwood #wilton manors #gay #lgbt #glbt #in memoriam #henrietta robinson

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gratefuldeadnotes · 7 years

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If you’ve been lucky, you’ve found yourself in some college dorm, surrounded by DayGlo tapestries, Nag Champa wafting in the air, stinging your eyes. Your singularly nicknamed but gracious hosts and their friends argue. It’s always the same argument: over the so-called greatest Grateful Dead show ever. More often than not, they were arguing about the merits or flaws of Cornell. May 8, 1977.

Or maybe it was at a record store. The store’s owner was “there” but can’t remember a damn thing, minus the “One More Saturday Night” encore on a Sunday night. Oh wait, there was the infamous “Take a Step Back” and that “Dew.” The Dew.

Last week, the recordings saw release as part of the box set, May 77: Get Shown the Light, and as a stand-alone set, Cornell 5/8/77, in honor of the show’s 40th anniversary. I’ve witnessed grown men argue about Cornell until they were carnelian red in the face, later apologizing as they rambled, “The Dead are like pizza, man. Some shows are better than others. But it’s still pizza and pizza rules.”

Myself? Cornell came in the same batch of tapes as Buffalo, the night after, and the Live/Dead Fillmore West run of 1969. Buffalo has the opening “Help > Slip > Franklin’s” triptych that’s a mind-meld when you’re 15, just being hipped to the whole thing. It only took one listen of Cornell before I was like, “Well you know, Buffalo is just a little bit…”

Grateful Dead :: Dancing in the Street [Betty Board]

Grateful Dead :: Dancing in the Street [Jerry Moore recording]

Cornell is mythical though, and for good reason. The tapes and name are ubiquitous to every collection and discussion about the band. The venue only held 8,500 attendees, but four times that amount will tell you they were there. Some will tell you it was a CIA experiment that never happened. Some say you’re not a true fan if it’s your favorite show. There’s a stigma associated with being a Cornell apologist.

But why be unapologetic when it’s right there on the tape? It smokes. A spirited first set is capped by a never-ending version of Martha and The Vandellas’ soul hit “Dancing in The Streets,” offering the audience a sneak peek into the wrinkle in time they are about to experience “30 minutes” later. The second set’s near flawless. The band conjures up the spirits of Ivy League drop-outs who jumped in busses a decade before and headed west to change and find the new world. Someone said to me recently we’re lucky to live in the same millennium Jerry and the Dead existed. Pizza is pizza, sure, but wouldn’t it be boring without pepperoni and cheese?

Below, my friend Charlie C. — you might remember him from the last Dead Notes column — waxes a bit about his journey to Cornell and the years after. Charlie was supposed to go to Cornell for Poli-Sci, but he went to SUNY Oneonta instead – though he’ll tell you he studied plenty of political science on long midnight roads and in crowded parking lots between Dead shows. I encourage you to listen to not only just the new official Betty Board release of “Dancing In The Street” but also infamous Dead taper Jerry Moore’s recording, captured 10 feet from the stage, which circulated nearly a decade before Betty’s recording surfaced. When I finally heard Jerry’s recording several years back, I became an instant Cornell apologist or whatever you want to call it when you love a band – infamous warts and all. words/d norsen

Well, they were back, there was no getting around that.

We had seen them off back in Jersey City in 1974 and were well informed about the Ouroborian hiatus through the newsletter. A quaint document by today’s standards and inside there was something to the effect of…the intent of the widespread touring was not to create this steamroller of music that we would follow around from here to there but instead to plant a seed and we would do as they did. Form and grow a community, of which the music would be a part, and nurture that community because it would be more efficient that way. I would hear that intent again, while listening to “The Music Never Stopped” – “Were they really here at all?” But I digress. There was the East Coast mini-farewell in the summer – a huge wonderful show at Roosevelt Stadium! If you can find an image of the ticket on-line you may notice that the date on ticket does not match the show date. You will also see the words “To Be Held Rain or Shine”. That part is a lie. Look up hiatus, if you will – a break, a pause. So that part is not a lie. So when I traveled West to see the band at Golden Gate Park in 1975 – the pause was not even a year old.

And then, they were back! We, on the other hand, had never left. This time, now Spring 1977, my friends and I were now living in Oneonta, New York. I left Staten Island to attend college there in the Fall of 1971 and stayed around. If you can locate my high school yearbook, it will tell you that I intended to major in Poli-Sci at Cornell. So, it was half right.

As I was saying, they were back and with a vengeance or so it would seem from the available dates. Now we are talking pre-mail order here, folks. 10 years later I would gladly pay more for Registered Mail than we paid for a ticket on May 8 in Ithaca, New York. There were a bunch of us. In a van, straight out of central casting, trundling our way from Oneonta to Ithaca. Let me emphasize that this was closer to a Sunday night drive than event. As passionate as we were about the band the whole day had a “Hey, the Dead are in Ithaca Sunday!” feel to it. Spring comes begrudgingly to upstate New York, if it comes at all, so it was cool. The scene was decidedly different from the hockey arenas of 1974, my beloved Roosevelt Stadium, and a world apart from the Auditorium Theatre shows of 1976. Barton Hall was a field house. A Latin term meaning “without any trace of charm.” May as well have been Barton Barn for all that mattered. But it was general admission for us. I do remember these enormous windows, a whole wall of them. And as it began to darken there was a cathedral like effect to the interior. Now there was a curious phenomenon at these GA events. Some folks would attempt to stake out and secure small patches of ground for themselves and their tribe. Others would simply float. To the former, the latter were violators, trespassers. The latter saw their efforts as an uptight attempt to colonize a free space. Always plenty of free theater in those days.

So – to recap: no seating, no merchandise, no beer sales, no Greenpeace. There was only the band with their fans and the air to help convey the music. The sound was fine – objectivity now, slightly shattered by certain indulgences. But we were in. Together. More or less in line, you know the deal. We snaked our way towards the stage as soon as the music started. Not right up front though – we struck a balance between hearing and moving. We needed to do both.

Should I talk about the music? Do we need one more word? One more “jaunty,” another “rollicking”? So much has been written about this show it boggles the mind. A book even! Someone wrote a book about a show I was at!?! It was a grand night, as most of them were. It would be some time before the legend picked up steam however.

Just look at the set list. Set one: start to finish, “polished like a golden bowl, the finest ever seen”. I am okay with that. I do distinctly remember thinking that somehow we would not survive the “Dancing In The Streets.” It was too much, too fast. I can not count the times I have listened to the “Scarlet Begonias” into “Fire On The Mountain” since. If you can stay still, you are a better man than me. Best “Morning Dew” ever? Don’t ask me. I don’t deal in that. Never did. But it is goddamned flawless I will tell you that. “One More Saturday Night” on a Sunday? I am okay with that one too…it was no skating rink, but for a minute, it almost became airborne.

So that was that. Our “springtime wet with sighs.” We left to find Jim’s blue van. Tossed back a couple of beers to kind of recalibrate. And then back on the road home. If you told me on that ride back to Oneonta what that night would become, I would have laughed myself silly. Most requested show ever, UFOs and the CIA, Betty Board here and gone and back again, a box set, Plangent Process, and a book. All for one Sunday night…go figure!

– Charlie C., April 26, 2017

#Grateful Dead #deadhead #dead freaks unite #Jerry Garcia #Cornell #1977

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keywestlou · 3 years

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AN ANNIVERSARY.....SELF-QUARANTINED ONE YEAR TODAY

Some people celebrate marriages, some relationships, I celebrate today my first anniversary of being self-quarantined.

Exciting, I know. Written with tongue and cheek.

In any event, 365 days ago I went into the quarantine. I am close to being out of it. Received my first vaccine shot saturday. Second is scheduled for 3/27. As I understand it, then have to wait something like 3 weeks before I can go out.

My first stop a bar and a drink. Chart Room not open yet. Hope it will be by the time I am released. I need to be near people. See and talk with them.

Tammy is back in town. She was a bartender at the Chart Room. She was one of the first to get the virus. Bad. Took her quite a while to recover. Suspect she was depressed as a result. Her attitude when she recovered was she had to get out of Dodge.

She has returned! I understand she is tending bar outside at Ocean Key.

I arrived today 2012 in Novara. Greece behind me. Tomorrow I leave for Courmayeur and Chamonix. One in Italy, the other in France. Both sit at the base of Mont Blanc.

DAY 34…..Greece the First Time

Posted on June 30, 2012 by Key West Lou

I am back in Italy!

Flew to Milan and then was driven the one hour to Novara.

Humid here in Novara. Very. I can understand why Italians run off to the mountains and sea shore in the summer months. They have no air conditioning!

No air for two reasons. The cost of electricity is one. The other is that most of the buildings are so old it would either be too expensive or too difficult to air condition.

Which means I slept with my bedroom window wide open last night. I also had the benefit of two fans. Hopefully I will be on Mont Blanc this evening where humidity will not be a problem. I have been told the fireplace may have to be used. It is that cool in the evening. Makes sense. Mount Blanc is the highest peak in the Alps and Europe.

Flew Aegean Air again. A treat! Lovely young attendants, stewardesses, hostesses helping. A great meal. Only a two hour flight. Not much more to tell, except for my chat with two of the working ladies.

They are not called attendants or stewardesses. They are hostesses. The hostesses are all young.

I explained how it all works in the U.S. They could not believe men did their work and what they were called and who performed the work was an issue of gender discrimination.

As to age discrimination, they had never heard of such a thing. They were confident that no way would a mature woman be permitted to do their job.

A different country. Different thoughts and concepts. Interesting.

One thing did not change. Clotheslines and drying clothes. They were evident everywhere on my car ride to Novara. Just as in Greece.

I chatted with some friends last night in Novara. The issue? The euro. What else!

They find this present marriage of sorts between Germany and France strange. The two nations have been fighting for years. They were referring to wars. France generally got kicked good by the Germans. They were unable to understand how the French could now be a junior partner with Germany.

The Italians are really mad at the Greeks. With a fervor that did not exist three weeks ago when I left Italy. They feel the Greeks have spent Italian euro money and did it in a wasteful fashion. I find this amusing since Italy is third from the bottom in this euro crisis. It is just a question of time before Germany starts defecating on them.

I was early to bed. A tired day traveling.

Today Mont Blanc.

Enjoy your day!

—

Watched portions of CPAC yesterday. Anxious to hear Trump.

For whatever reason, he looked older and tired. His words the same. Bullshit and lies.

His audience loved him, however.

Ted Cruz spoke. I was shocked. He is losing it. He was a rambling mad man. If I did not know better, I would say he was on something.

He closed his demonstrative talk by turning sideways, throwing one arm and one leg out and quoting William Wallace. He shouted “freedom!”

I did not recall who William Wallace was. Took only a few internet minutes to refresh my memory. William Wallace was the hero of Braveheart. Rcall at the end, he was quartered, beheaded, and hanged. Not necessarily in that order.

As he was about to be hanged, Wallace shouted out: Freedom!

No question the Republicans are losing it. Especially the CPAC ones.

A straw poll was taken to determine preference for the Republican Presidential candidate in 2024.

Two straw polls. One with Trump. The other without.

The one with Trump had Trump leading with 55 percent. Second was the surprise. Florida’s Governor DeSantis with 21. A far third was North Dakota Governor Kristi Noem with 4 percent.

DeSantis shocked me! The most incompetent governor I have seen in my lifetime. He has danced to Trump’s tune throughout the pandemic. Trump says DeSantis is the finest governor in the U.S.

The second poll was without Trump. DeSantis came in first with 43 percent. Noem 11 percent, Donald Jr. 8 percent, Pompeo and Crux each 7 percent.

As Trump progressed in his talk, I could only think of Pinocchio. Donald’s nose got longer and longer. So long, its extent ran off the screen and could not be seen.

Glen Miller was a famous bandleader and composer. He died this day 1943 at the age of 44. A Captain in the Army, he was flying from England to France to arrange a performance for the American troops there.

Somewhere over the channel his plane went down. Neither plane nor its passengers were found.

Miller “did not make it” till he was 40. He spent his earlier years looking for a “sound.” He finally found it in 1939.

His “track record” outstanding. He was the Tiger Woods of his time. The Beatles had 33 top 10 hits, Elvis Presley 38. Glen Miller in 4 short years had 59 top ten hits, which included 17 which reached #1.

Miller’s “sound” included a combination of clarinet and saxaphones.

His hits included Midnight Serenade, Pennsylvania 6-5000, Chattanooga Choo Choo, and Little Brown Jug.

The Salem Witch Hunt clearly evidences the craziness of man. In this case the craziness of woman might be a better description.

The Witch Hunt began in 1692. Adult, teen age, and young females primarily who “knew” who the witches were and pointed them out to authorities. Nineteen men and women were executed. All by hanging, except for one who was crushed.

An Abraham Lincoln quote should be warning enough: “America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.”

Enjoy your day!

AN ANNIVERSARY…..SELF-QUARANTINED ONE YEAR TODAY was originally published on Key West Lou

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robertsmorgan · 7 years

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Psychology of Eating Podcast: Episode #195 – A Lifelong Journey with Weight

Rachel has hit a wall with her unexplained weight gain. She has been dedicated to fitness, she eats well, and she stays in control of her habits. Yet, in the last year, she has seen the weight come on and can’t figure out why. Marc David, Founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, dives into this question head on with Rachel. He challenges her to rethink her relationship with control and ask her body what it is trying to teach her right now. Rachel shares more about her relationship to stress, her lifestyle, and her tendency to stay in control of her diet. Marc helps her see how all the ways she is trying to maintain control could be sabotaging where she really wants to get in her body and with her health.

Below is a transcript of this podcast episode:

Marc: Welcome, everybody. I’m Marc David, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. And we’re in the Psychology of Eating podcast. And I am with Rachel today. Welcome, Rachel.

Rachel: Hello. Thank you.

Marc: I’m glad we’re here. I’m glad we’re doing this. And let me just say a couple of words to viewers and listeners who might be new to the podcast. Here is how it works. Rachel and I just met few minutes ago, officially. And we’re going to spend about 55 minutes together. We’re looking to see if we can help move things forward with whatever you want to work on today, Rachel.

So if you could wave your magic wand and get whatever you wanted from our time together what would that look like for you?

Rachel: I think just through some of the reading and stuff that we’ve learned so far, I don’t know how to slow down. I don’t possess that ability. I am always in the fast lane. I don’t think I used to be that way but I am now.

And so, for me, I would like to know how do I do that? How do I—everything, not just physically but mentally, the whole body. If you don’t know how to do that—like I’m the person in the back of the yoga class that’s struggling to relax into the pose because I don’t relax into the pose. I’m all about to strengthen the muscle. I’m not about the relaxing into the pose.

And so of the 30 times I’ve taken yoga classes, I hate it. I need to figure out how to do that because things are obviously not working for me. And I know that’s what I need and I know for a while that I have needed that. It’s escaping me on many levels, I would say.

Marc: So is this thing about not being able to slow down, how is it impacting you in terms of your body, in terms of food? Like what’s the result of that for you?

Rachel: Let’s see. Probably, for the past 20 years, I’ve been a control freak about what I have eaten. I graduated from college about 263 pounds. It took me like a year. I lost like 110 pounds and stayed there for pretty much my adult life. I got into health and fitness. I enjoyed it. I loved it. And then I think hitting 40, a lot more balls in the air. Like I started with the whole not sleeping. Being committed to my children’s school, I’m a PTO president there, I do a ton of work there, and that’s always on my mind. So, for me, it’s definitely, I would say, over the past years, gotten much worse where all of a sudden I have an extra 20-something pounds and I don’t know why. There’s no, as far as I know, medical explanation for it. I’ve had some tests done and stuff and nothing has come back. So, for me, I don’t know, where do you go from here, because that would be something?

Marc: Right, right. So let me see if I understand this. So even though you were eating the same food and maybe relatively doing the same exercise, this extra weight came on and it doesn’t make sense given what you’re doing and eating. Is that true?

Rachel: Yes.

Marc: Yes. Okay.

Rachel: I’ve always been, for the past 20 years, I would say just—and I hate to like throw the calories out there but 1500, 1600 calories because that for me was a happy medium. A few pounds would come on, I’d just see it as I got to watch that, tweak that, take the few pounds off. And as a side thing for the past 20 years, I’ve been a fitness instructor. I sub so I sometimes will teach three or four classes a week.

Sometimes I won’t teach for a couple of weeks but I’m still at that gym five days a week. I am that person that, to me, I want to be the hardest working person in the room. That’s important to me. That’s my thing. And it’s not that I’m looking at other people but I’m always putting in 110%. So that question really is, after going through some of the training, so what really has changed for me?

Marc: Understood. So in general, are you a fast eater, a moderate eater, a slow eater?

Rachel: I would say I’m a moderate eater but I don’t eat sitting down unless…sometimes if I was home for lunch, I might sit and eat if I was looking at the computer. If I’m at work, it would literally be eating bites between waiting on customers. Breakfast is usually eaten in my car as I’m driving to the gym or from the gym depending on when I can fit it in.

Marc: Are you still eating the same amount of calories that you have in the past?

Rachel: I would say. Yeah, like I tried this summer to lose about ten pounds I’ve kept on by like, say, from my 10-year anniversary, which was last October to April. I was like, “Geez. I really need to back it off.” I tried this summer to go a little bit more low carb, which I normally am sort of anyway. But I really tried to take it down. That’s a step back by 100%. My body was [inaudible].

Marc: Yes.

Rachel: I must have gained probably 12 pounds or more doing that. And again, watching what I eat and not—I would say that the calories were about the same.

Marc: Got it. Okay. Have you been tested for thyroid health, adrenal health, insulin resistance?

Rachel: I knew this was coming up but I just finally got myself in to go see the doctor. I was tested on Friday. I don’t think they did—I know she was testing for thyroid. I know she was testing for estrogen overload. I know she was testing for a few things. It’s sort of hard when you go in.

So I saw my nurse practitioner, who I adore. But sometimes you can’t have the conversation you want to have with them because you don’t know what their views are on if I say, “Gee, like do I have adrenal fatigue?” If she’s going to roll her eyes and go like, “Geez, everyone who comes in here thinks they have adrenal fatigue.” Who knows what her knowledge or stance on it.

So I did actually get tested on Friday. She hasn’t called me, which is surprising. So I have not heard back on any testing from that.

Marc: Got it. Okay. How old are you these days?

Rachel: Forty-three.

Marc: Forty-three. Okay. And this new weight started coming on, you said, about a year ago?

Rachel: I would say. My husband and I went on our 10-year anniversary last October. We went to Puerto Rico. It’s a three-day weekend. The first time we’ve been away from the kids. It was great. We had a fantastic time. Everything was great. And you got back and you’re back in reality. And for my children’s school last year, I ran an auction.

And really, I mean, I know that was stressful. I got home from that and pretty much got back into running this auction for my children’s school, which we had the first of April. And it was a lot of work. Like I was putting my kids to bed at eight o’clock and then working from eight to 12 or one o’clock on the auction five or six nights a week. I know that was a lot of stress and I guess I thought that once the auction came and went then I would just go back to where I was.

Marc: Sure.

Rachel: Being able to go to bed at 9:30, 10 o’clock at night. That never happened. I would go to bed and then I would lay there until midnight, until I could go back [inaudible].

Marc: And previously you haven’t had trouble falling asleep?

Rachel: Never. No.

Marc: Okay. Interesting. Caffeine? Do you do coffee, tea, what kind of caffeine?

Rachel: I do. I drink coffee in the morning. I really only have like a cup of coffee. Sometimes I’ll have two. It’s not an eight-ounce cup. It’s a mug of coffee. But that’s really all I have time for in the morning.

Marc: Okay. Got it. Are there any other health symptoms or health pieces that have changed for you in the last year or two that you’ve noticed other than this weight thing, sleep thing? Anything else change: digestion, mood?

Rachel: Digestion is fine. Mood is fine. My hair started falling out about six weeks ago. And that was really the catalyst for me going to see the doctor. I would say that, that was the biggest thing. Because you got the weight out and you think, you can just cut back your calories and then it will come off. But when my hair started falling out, that was definitely what sent me to the doctor and I finally got in Friday.

Marc: Got it. Okay. Do you pay attention to how much protein you eat each day?

Rachel: Yes.

Marc: How much protein do you think you eat a day, if you had to say it in grams or calories?

Rachel: I’d probably say about 75 grams.

Marc: Okay. Yes, because hair loss is oftentimes related to thyroid issues. And it could be related to protein malnourishment, which you don’t have, given the amount of protein that you’re eating. And it could be tied into stress. Those are generally your three big bets for that. But we’re going to cycle back to that.

So right now, just so you know, I’m asking these questions because I’m just sleuthing a bit. I’m interested in finding out more details because you’ve had what feels like to you, and wisely so, a hard to explain weight gain. So it makes perfect sense to me given that, that you go, “Huh, hard to explain that. Let’s try to break this down and figure it out because it ain’t making sense.” So that’s what I’m trying to do.

So I’m asking my kind of questions to gather information, to see if I can be of help here. Has your eating pattern changed in terms of, “Well, I’m eating just way more food at night.” Has that changed at all in terms of amount of food at night?

Rachel: No.

Marc: No.

Rachel: No, because I’m always that person, too much of a control freak that I won’t eat after dinner, never have.

Marc: Yes.

Rachel: Even when I was single I didn’t. That wasn’t my thing. And especially now, we have dinner, 5:30, six o’clock because kids need to eat. And my youngest one is five. She needs to be in bed by 7:30, so we eat decently early. And then that I’m not really a snacker after dinner, at all.

Marc: So putting aside food for a moment and your relationship with it and weight, what would you say at this time in your life is one of the places that, if there is one, where life is asking you to grow more in?

As an example, for me, at this stage in my life, one of the places where I know this life is asking me to grow is it’s asking me to step up more as a father even though my son is 24 and is beyond more independent than he’s ever been in his life, there are still places where I need to improve as a dad, where when I am paying attention and really looking at him and looking at myself where there’s ways I could contribute to him, but I have to really pay attention. I have to really help myself grow there. So that’s just a place life is asking me to grow. So what I’m just asking, is there a particular place for you where you just noticed, “Huh, this is just up for me.”

Rachel: I don’t know if I would say there was. I mean I know a lot of times I try—and I was thinking about this the other day. Like I feel bad sometimes when I’m so controlled about things with my kids. Like I heard my five-year old say the other day, “Don’t make a mess because mommy doesn’t like when you make messes.”

And sometimes I feel like, “Geez, am I really like that?” like you have to be so controlled with everything? So I do, for that, try to take a step back and say, “Well, it’s okay to make a mess every once in a while,” but inside I’m like, “Yeah, I really don’t want that mess.” So I don’t know if that—but I don’t really know, I think I’ve always been that way…

Marc: Sure.

Rachel: …and I don’t think that’s different. I don’t know if there’s any way. I would have to really think about that.

Marc: Sure. So let’s table that for now but it is something I would just like you to keep your eye on just to see if there might be any connections. And in fact, we will circle back to that in this conversation because I think it’s actually important. But we’ll get to that.

So in an ideal universe, right now, I would have a little bit more information relative to the testing you’ve just gotten because I’m interested to know especially thyroid, especially estrogen for you because that can have an impact on what’s going on, potentially. Putting aside for a moment, let’s say your test came back fine, here is what I want to say. Here is some other pieces to the puzzle that I want to share with you based on what you’ve told me so far and based on like “Wow, hey, I’ve had a system that’s worked for me for X amount of years and I’ve been fine. And now this shifted and it doesn’t make sense. What’s going on?”

So, here is where my mind goes. I’m going to tell you from experience what I have noticed is that human beings, we could do certain things for a long time and they work. They do because they do. And things change. What happens is you can be a great tennis player and play tennis at a certain level for 20 years and all of a sudden your body gets older.

And all of a sudden, that right elbow isn’t as strong because that’s the one that you use. So all of a sudden you got to take care of that more. And all of a sudden you’re slowed down a little more. So what happens with the body—and one could say, approximately every ten years, age 20, age 30, age 40, age 50, there’s just a shift. We morph and we change and we lose a little. At the same time that we lose a little, the body gets more wise.

What most people don’t realize is, yes, the body ages. The body gets older. There are certain places it just gets more inefficient because it’s breaking down. It’s like an old freaking car. But there’s another level where the longer you and I are on planet earth, the more information the body gathers. You’ll notice a lot of older people, their immune system is actually stronger. Not all of them.

But technically speaking, our immunity should get stronger as we get older and it does for a lot of old people. My grandparents used to tell me, “I would usually get sick. I don’t get sick anymore.” They were in their 70s, 80s and 90s because their immune system learns. It just learns about the environment so the body gets smarter.

So on the one hand, your body is getting smarter. That is my assumption. On another hand, it’s getting older. So things that used to work don’t always work anymore. I used to be able to not work out during the week and then on the weekends do a hard workout. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t do a hard workout one day a week. I have to do two or three lighter workouts during the week and then a hard one on the weekend, otherwise, it’s too much of a shock for my body. But I used to be able to do that. My body changed. So my body is letting me know.

What happens is there are people—and honestly, Rachel, I see this a lot—who will tell me a very similar story to yours. “I’ve been doing 1500 calories. I’ve been doing 1200 calories, 2000 calories, whatever it is for X number of years and it worked. And all of a sudden it stopped.” And you’re not doing anything wrong. What’s happened is there’s a shift and there’s a change. And we have to look and we go, “Oh, my god. Something’s changed. Something’s shifted. What does that now mean for me?”

So it usually means a couple of things. It usually means that what we used to do doesn’t work anymore, very clearly. So what you used to do doesn’t work anymore. Then it’s a question of asking, “What exactly is it that doesn’t work anymore?” There’s an interesting question because is it that 1500 calories a day doesn’t work anymore? Is it that being a highly controlled person doesn’t work anymore? Is it that “Okay, I’m the person at the back of the yoga class who’s like ‘I’m not relaxing into this posture. This sucks. I can’t relax. Like what are you guys talking about?’” is that what’s not working anymore?

So we don’t know for sure. We don’t. So then this becomes an exploration. So what I’m just sharing with you is my thought process. I’m trying to draw a wide circle around this one. I’m trying to see what is the range of possibilities here. If I was a betting man, if I had to bet all my money on what was actually happening for you, this is what I would say that your metabolism is undergoing a shift from where it used to be to where it is now. Good for you that what you used to do worked. It doesn’t work anymore.

So now you’re looking at, “Okay. Well, what do I do?” So again, at this place, there’s no blame. It’s not like you are doing something wrong. It’s just that life is changing. It’s kind of like winter is coming. You’re not doing anything wrong. You got to dress warmer. The fact that you’re colder is because things are changing.

So, my guesstimation is your metabolism is probably needing a little more nutrition is my guess. When I say nutrition, I mean nutrient-dense food, whatever that means for you. I don’t know that your body needs to be as calorically-controlled as it used to be. Because if your metabolism is changing, if your body needs more nutrition, if you’re not giving it that, it would be easy for your body to then determine not enough nutrition, not enough food, starvation mode, and hold on.

Rachel: Right.

Marc: It’s a strange reaction that the body does, but it makes sense to the body. Because the body thinks, “Wait a second. She ain’t giving me enough. There must be starvation conditions. I better slow down metabolism and hang on.” So that is a possibility. If I was in your shoes and I was going to be eating more I would focus that on healthy protein, healthy fat as best as you could, as best as possible.

Rachel: Yes. That’s my thought.

Marc: The next piece I want to say is that—and that’s why I asked you the question like, “Okay, what’s happening in your life right now? Like where is life asking you to grow or develop right now?” Oftentimes, that’s the place where we need to work to shift the body. I’m not saying that it’s always like that but I’m saying it’s often like that. I’m just trying to, again, stay within the realm of possibilities for you. So if I was going to be meeting with you 10 times, that’s what I would be exploring with you. I would be wondering, “Okay, what’s going on in Rachel’s life? What are some of the things that she needs to learn as a person, as a human being, as an adult, as a growing, evolving entity?”

And maybe you’ve hit on something here. Because the piece about the relaxing and the control and the let go, there is a level where the body perceives that as a stressor. Previously, it has not affected you from a standpoint of weight and metabolism in any way that you would complain about. It just might be that now, because the body is a little older and it’s a little wiser and it’s a little more sensitive, it’s going to talk to you. So, now, if you can’t regulate your ability to slow down, that might impact you different than it did two years ago simply because things changed, plain and simple.

There are foods that I am more sensitive to now than I was five years ago. It’s weird. I wish it wasn’t true. The body changes. So what I’m thinking for you is that the relaxation piece is a close cousin of control, which is a close cousin of a sense of let go and being in a flow. It might be interesting for you to experiment with being in more of a flow with food.

And a flow means, instead of having a very specific regimented diet, “I eat 1500 calories a day,” technically speaking, every day is different. Some days you have more energy. Some days you like yourself better. Some days you love the world, some days you don’t. Some days the kids are great, some days they’re not.

Some days you’re on, you’re just on. And other days you’re a little off. So every day is different. Same with the body. There’s days the body needs more food. There’s days the body needs less food. There’s days you’re hungrier. There’s days you’re less hungry.

When you can start to dance a little more with that, then you are being in relationship with your body in a more elegant way. That’s almost like saying to your kids, “Okay, children, every day we’re going to have these two kinds of conversations. Every day we’re going to talk about school and we’re going to talk about your friends.” Now, that could be really cool because every day there’s a consistency. And every day they’re going to talk about those two subjects and they’re going to get insights and they’re going to learn. But you know, some days you might not have to talk about that stuff. Some days your kids might want to talk about their dog or whatever it is.

So there’s this element of flexibility that I’m looking for with you where you start to tune in to your body in a different way. Instead of telling your body what to do, “Here’s how many calories you get, body. Here’s the food I’m going to give you, body. Here is the exercise I’m exercising you with, body.” Instead of that, I’m interested in the conversation, “Hey, body. What do you need to eat today? Hey, body, do you need to slow down with this meal? Hey, body, what would truly nourish you right now? What do you need? What are you really hungering for?” Because you might eat something completely different for breakfast.

So I’m going to share with you a PhD concept and forgive me if you’ve heard me say this before. A PhD concept is there’s a level where it’s very useful to plan our meals, plan our food, plan our nutrition. These are the ideal things and the ideal ways to eat. The PhD concept is there’s a place where we throw all that out the window. There is a place where sometimes I might eat very little during the day and I have a meal at night at 9 p.m. in the evening and I go to sleep and that’s the perfect thing for me. It’s weird. I can never subsist on that but there are times when that’s what’s happening given my lifestyle, given the time of year, given what’s going on. But I only know that because I’m listening. I’m tuning in.

So I think, for you, there is a place where you’re being asked to be in relationship with your body in a different way. It’s the more kind of creative, flowing, feminine, colorful, unpredictable, intuitive, dancing, in the moment. It uses your knowledge. So you know a lot about food, about what to eat, what’s good, what’s bad, what’s not. So you’re using your knowledge but you’re applying it in a very intuitive way. You see where I’m going with this?

Rachel: Yes.

Marc: So that would be my guess. So if this was reality TV and if I was going to get $1 million to help you lose the weight that you want to lose, this is how I’d work with you. I would say throw out the diet because the truth is we could diet the hell out of you and exercise the hell out of you and you’d lose a bunch of weight and it won’t be sustainable. You’d go crazy.

So I’m trying to see how you/we adapt to your body as it’s changing now. We got to respect the body on its own terms. The body talks to us. It’s so much wiser than us. It’s more in control than we are. You don’t know when the body is going to get sick or when it’s going to die. The body kind of has the say in things. We have a say, for sure, how we feed it, how we treat it but we also got to listen to it. And I think that would be a whole new way for you.

Rachel: Yeah. Probably.

Marc: Right? That would be a whole new way for you.

Rachel: Yes.

Marc: I have no doubt that you’re capable of it. But it would require a huge shift and it’s going to shift the way you think because it’s going to also impact other areas of your life, such as noticing where you like to control because you want a certain outcome. We’re human. We want to control things. I want certain outcomes. I like to control stuff. I got no issue with that. And there are times where it gets in my way. And there are times when it doesn’t allow me to grow. And when we’re not growing, oftentimes, the way life lets us know when there’s a place where we need to pay attention to, life talks to us through a symptom.

So I’m calling your extra weight right now a symptom. It’s getting your attention. Your body is raising its hand. What’s one thing that might get our attention? Weight gain. Weight gain gets our attention. So it’s got your attention. So this conversation about, okay, now, this has our attention, how can we respond to it in the best way possible? So, those are my thoughts right now. How’s that landing for you? Tell me what you’re thinking and what’s going on for you.

Rachel: Yeah. I mean working through some of the material that even just in module one, it’s things that you do think about like the more—being more relaxed with everything, I guess. And I always feel like I’m always so prepared and controlled about eating because I’m like, “Okay, well, I’m leaving my house at 8:15. And, I’m not picking my kids up from bus until 3:15. I’m in the car. I’m going here and I’m going there.” So, I’m like, “Okay, well, I know I’ll have these three things,” and there’s no “I have to bring that with me.” This is awful. I would never just pull up to some place and get a sandwich. You know what I mean?

Marc: Yes. I’m 100% with you there. So I still want you to be smart. I still want you to plan when you have to plan. So I’m not saying throw that out the window. And this is good. I’m glad you brought this up. What I’m asking you to do is when you do have that luxury, tune in more. When you have the luxury to choose, so when you’re on the road and you’re boppin’ around, you do need to have prepared in advance. I’m with you.

And I’m glad you do that. I think that’s a great strategy. And you might even ask yourself in the morning as you’re preparing things, you might even tune in a little bit more, “Huh, what’s my body wanting today? Is it wanting the same snacks, foods that I usually bring? Maybe something different. Am I having an unusual craving? Do I want to try experimenting and going with that?” So that’s the sort of thing I’m saying.

Rachel: Okay.

Marc: I want you to give yourself more leeway, when you can. I want you to plan. I want you to take care of yourself for sure. But when you can, give yourself leeway in choices. And you might choose the same thing every day. That’s fine. You might choose the same thing you’ve been choosing. That’s fine as long as you’re really checking in, as long as you’re checking in with yourself and really seeing, “What’s my body calling for today?” and making adjustments as best you can. So I’m not asking you to throw out responsibility, at all. I’m asking you to just be flexible when you can, if need be just, to ask the question.

Rachel: Okay.

Marc: Does that make sense?

Rachel: Yes, very much so.

Marc: And with exercise now, if all exercise burned the same amount of calories, if all exercise that you did anything—I don’t care what it was. I don’t care if it was walking—if it all was amazingly calorie-burning, what would you do?

Rachel: Geez. I’d probably do kickboxing. I like that a lot. People dread exercise. I don’t dread exercise. I enjoy it, I really do.

Marc: So You like kickboxing. Tell me what else you love.

Rachel: Weights. I mean I do like a body sculpt type free weight class. I like that. I hate running. I used to do that before I had kids and freedom and I could run outside. But I can’t run inside on the treadmill, it just didn’t work for me. I teach step classes, which is okay, but it gets a little boring. I love pilates. I recently got certified in that. And I started coming for a class. I don’t have a problem with the pilates aspect, which is a little bit more of like a lower key exercise. I feel like I’m trying to transition myself into something that’s lower key.

And a couple of years ago did a pilates certification and loved it and have loved doing that. I just seem to can’t make the jump. I still feel like though I started doing the pilates thing because the past two years, I’ve had chronic injury. I’ve had plantar fasciitis. I have carpal tunnel on one wrist, or tendonitis in the wrist, which is all flared up right now. Over the past six weeks, again, has been a huge flare-up of everything. Same thing with arthritis in the other foot and my toe, everything has just flared up. I have had to take a step back as far as lifting as heavy or going to kickbox on Monday. And I’m like, “Oh, I can’t use my feet because my plantar fasciitis is flared up and I don’t want to pound on my heel right now.”

Marc: Got it. So life is really asking you to pay more exquisite attention right now because your body is changing. So this makes it super clear for me. And again, Rachel, I want to say it’s not unusual. I will hear this story from people who have been very embodied and in fitness for a long time. All of a sudden, they’ll say, “God, I’m getting all these injuries. They’re little minor nagging stuff. I’ve got to change everything.” So it’s a transition time for you.

I love for you the fact that you’re moving into something like pilates and, specifically, pilates. Because what it does is it focuses you more specifically. It asks us to be very conscious about muscles, joints, movement, body parts, connectivity. It’s a little bit more holistic, a lot more holistic than just getting on a treadmill.

Rachel: Yes.

Marc: It’s probably a lot more holistic than doing a step class. So it’s different. It’s asking us to be in relationship with the body in a different way, which is what I like for you. Anything that slows you down and helps you embody more exquisitely and more particularly so it really supports you, that’s good for you. And that is what I think will slowly help you find your new place with your body. You’re finding a new place with your body right now. You haven’t quite found it yet. You’re experimenting with new forms of movement. You’re experimenting with, “Okay, how do I diet? How do I do this?” So I want you to consider this a transition stage.

There is not certainty right now. That’s okay. That happens. That happens in life. That happens with the body. We go through phases where, “What the hell is going on? Is this a transition? It’s not working like it used to.” It happens in relationship. It happens at work. It happens everywhere. So it’s happening with you and your body. So if we just respect that process and understand, “Okay, I’m going to try some different things right now.” So we’re going to try slowing down more. We’re going to try being more aware. We’re going to try being more intuitive about what to eat when possible.

I don’t want you to count calories in the same way because it’s not going to work at this stage of life. It’s more important for you to tune in to see what your body is calling for. Because if you’re counting calories and you’re denying your body what it needs, it’s going to backlash on you. So that’s why you have to listen to your body in a whole different way. This is the difference between being a 20-year-old in your body and exercising the hell out of it and doing what you want because it’s immortal, versus being a 43-year-old and you got to be more elegant and specific and exquisite at this new stage of your life. And you have to keep looking out for how is life asking me to grow right now, because that will connect to your metabolism.

So, other thoughts that you have based on what we’ve been talking about? Any other—just things that are swimming in your mind?

Rachel: It’s funny. When I’m teaching a class, I always tell people, “When you walk in that door, you need to take a second, take a breath. Whatever you were just thinking about, whatever you were doing, you need to leave it outside. Because when you’re in here, if you’re not focused on what you’re doing…” You know, when I’m teaching a step class I know when somebody is thinking about the grocery shopping they have to do because they missed that and they’re heading the wrong way.

And I’m like, “Hey, you guys. Focus. Like some of you seem to be not paying attention. Are you here? Are you present? Are you listening to what I’m saying or what we’re doing?” The same thing, obviously, when you’re working with the muscles. Like if you’re not focusing on the muscle work that you’re doing, you’re not reaping the benefits from it 100%. And I tell people that all the time.

And I feel like when I am there and I’m teaching, I am 100% focused. But I think that there’s other times when I’m not, that I am also that person, that I’m just participating and I’m letting other things get in the way, wander, thinking about what I have to do next. I never used to be that person that looks at my phone when I was exercising. And now I do it and I can’t stand it. I wrap it in my shirt and shove it in my bag so that I can’t even see it because I can take care of that later. But I feel like that probably I maybe need to be more of who I’m telling the people taking the class they’re supposed to be.

Marc: Yeah. Look at it this way. I hear what you’re saying. I want to use the term for you embodied. So when you’re doing pilates, you do pilates and you do it the way it’s done, then you’ll have the pilates experience. If you want to do a step class, there’s a certain way that we do it that you get the best benefits from it.

If you do a yoga pose and were taking two minutes to relax into a pose, there’s a certain way to do that to get the benefit of it. So you are training your body to embody in different ways, in more ways, and in ways that it might not be used to. You just might be now realizing the places where it’s hard for you to embody.

It’s probably easier for you to do certain kinds of exercises and certain kind of movements especially if it’s like more hustle, more vigorous than it is a movement, like dropping into a posture and into your breath and feeling your alignment, your muscles. That’s harder for you to do. In part because it’s a different rhythm, it’s slower. It’s a lot slower. So it’s asking something different of you. And I particularly have my eye on that for you because that’s a form of embodiment that most people have difficulty with. It’s the kind of embodiment where you’re able to actually drop in, feel, tune in, and inhabit your body in a relaxed way, where I don’t have to go and work really hard because, oftentimes, hard exercise is really a code word for stress reduction. We have so much stress in our system that I just got to blow out all that steam. That’s fine. But that’s a very narrow bandwidth of what movement and exercise can be.

So you’re 43. It’s time to train your body to be more exquisite and intelligent in certain ways. Again, one of those ways is the ability to slow down, breathe, feel, without needing to distract. What that’s going to do is it’s going to make you feel uncomfortable as you start to do that because you’re going to realize how hard it is.

Rachel: Oh, yes.

Marc: So you’re going to want to look at your phone. You’re going to want to get out of there. You’re going to want to judge. You’re going to want to like, “Whatever gets me out of this moment.” So all I’m saying is that that’s a great place for you to work and it’s going to be hard. But it’s going to train your system how to drop into relaxation response so it can be in relaxation response when you ask it to as opposed to constantly having to be vigorous and on, constantly having to be in a mild, alarmed, alert stress response. Do you follow me?

Rachel: Yes.

Marc: It’s a subtle shift. But I find that it makes a huge difference. So that’s, for me, one of the important takeaway messages here is for you, Rachel, to start to notice how you can drop into your body more. Even if you did a yoga class once a week and struggled in the back, I’m good with that. I’m good with that. You’re going to struggle. But it’s going to teach you. And I would love for you to learn what it’s teaching you. It’s going to show you where it’s hard for you to regulate yourself. And from that place you’re going to better train your nervous system. And when you better train your nervous system, you have more control over your metabolic potential, plain and simple.

Rachel: Right. Okay. I’m trying to do the yoga thing. It just hasn’t worked out yet.

Marc: Yes.

Rachel: Actually, I’m headed to Canyon Ranch tomorrow for a weekend and I always try it there. They’ve got meditation stuff like that, so I’ll try some of that there again, hopefully.

Marc: Good for you. Canyon Ranch in the Berkshires?

Rachel: Yes. In Lenox, yes.

Marc: Yep. I worked there for many years.

Rachel: Is that right? I’ve been going for about 10, so I don’t know if I was ever there when you were there.

Marc: No, probably not because I was there way back in the early days, in the ‘90s. But it’s such a beautiful place. It’s so gorgeous there.

Rachel: Yes, very much so.

Marc: Yes. So, Rachel, great job. Great job. I think you’re in a good place. And it’s an unknown place. And it’s an interesting challenge for you. And it’s just life is different. You are living in a different metabolic universe and you’re exploring it right now to determine the new turf and the new terrain of what actually works. So there’s going to be some unknowns in there. So patience is a good strategy, just patience and a little bit of trust and experimentation. And there’s not going to be certainty until there’s certainty. So that’s good Jedi training.

Rachel: Right. Okay.

Marc: Okay? I really appreciate you being so honest and open and generous and willing and jumping into the conversation. And I think it’s going to unfold for you well.

Rachel: Okay.

Marc: And you just have to have a period of time where things are rearranging.

Rachel: Right. Yeah, I’m comfortable saying I think there’s a thing that’s hard for people. Like for me, I’m like “Oh, I don’t want to be uncomfortable but I guess I have to do it.”

Marc: Yeah. That’s what helps us grow, discomfort. Otherwise, we stay in the same place. Growing pains it’s often called. A little bit of discomfort urges us to grow. It’s that little piece of sand in the oyster that inspires it to create a pearl so it can get rid of that irritation. So we need a little irritation sometimes.

Rachel: Right. Okay.

Marc: Yeah. Great job, Ms. Rachel.

Rachel: Thank you.

Marc: Thank you so much. And thank you, everybody, for tuning in. I appreciate you being on this journey with us. I appreciate all your wonderful feedback. Once again, I am Marc David, on behalf of the Psychology of Eating podcast, and there’s always more to come, my friends. Take care.

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from Robert Morgan Blog http://psychologyofeating.com/psychology-of-eating-podcast-episode-195-a-lifelong-journey-with-weight/

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