#triflesandparsnips writes things

[triflesandparsnips]

...What if Stede's big romantic move is to get his goddamn idiot self captured by Chinese pirates so he can lure them back to familiar waters by promising that he knows the whereabouts of the infamous Blackbeard--

but he then proceeds to piss everyone off when he in fact does not know Blackbeard's whereabouts and also would never have told them the real location anyway even if he did--

and, further, gets sufficiently annoying about how he totally tricked them that the pirates arrange for his very public execution as both a warning to others and a permanent way of getting him to finally shut up--

which in turn actually does trigger Ed into appearing (so he can watch, obviously, and not for any rescue reasons at all, whatever, pfft, no way, he's over it, can't wait to see some rich asshole who breaks promises snuff it, and also, shut up)--

and then, just as the pirates are about to execute Stede and Ed has shoved his way to the front of the crowd and Stede's bound up and Ed's limping badly but they're suddenly staring at one another like the deck is empty and the moon is full and there's a piece of silk in both their hands-- that's when Stede makes his goddamn move.

"I know I missed my chance to go with you to China," Stede says, the red sails of the junk ship catching a sudden wind behind him and snapping like some punctuation mark separating past mistakes from present ones. His voice breaks just a little as he shrugs, looks around himself, and says, "So I. I thought I might bring China to you."

...At which point, on cue, the hold explodes.

(It won't be until after some swashbuckling and rescuing and a lot of yelling actually, but-- yes. Ed will confirm that he does, in fact, consider this all romantic as fuck. Good job, Stede. The plan worked. And they don't die that day-- though everyone confirms that it was, to be honest, an entire fucking miracle that they didn't.)

#our flag means death #ofmd season 2 rampant speculation #triflesandparsnips writes things #free plot bunnies #if you write it link it #do the thing

[chaotic-neutral-knitter]

tagged by @bizarrelittlemew and @krakenteacups! thank you!!

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? no, but someone is named after me (accidentally) (it still counts though) 😌

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Tuesday

DO YOU HAVE KIDS? nope! never will.

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED? high school cross country and tennis. I did run a half marathon a few years ago, but got injured and I haven't run much since.

DO YOU USE SARCASM? yes but I have a compulsive need to explain inside jokes to people who weren't there for it and that also extends to clarifying whether or not I'm being sarcastic in situations where it may be ambiguous, so uh, yes with conditions lol.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? height! I am one of the shortest people in my extended family so I thought I was short my whole life and then I moved out of the midwest and I'm slightly taller than average here and it's WEIRD. every time someone older than me is shorter than me a part of my brain is still like "wait that's illegal"

WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR? very pale hazel-y green

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? happy endings.

ANY TALENTS? compensating for my terrible short term memory by being VERY good at optimizing/streamlining/self-checking processes. this is very useful for all the pipetting I do. predicting murder mystery plots (solely based on story pacing, not clues) so well it irritates my partner. interpreting between friends with different communication styles.

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? wouldn't you like to know, weather boy

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES? writing, knitting, getting my partner to watch shows I have already watched, d&d, baking, spinning (sort of).

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? one cat and two step-cats.

HOW TALL ARE YOU? 170 cm / 5'7''

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? biochemistry, writing/English,

DREAM JOB? recently went through a whole personal crisis about defining myself by my career and realized I really just want a job that is emotionally neutral. if my job is tremendously personally important to me, that's very stressful! I just want to go to work, be useful, and then go home to the rest of my life. what I'm actually doing isn't that important. what I like doing is solving problems for other people, and you can do that in a lot of different ways. currently I'm doing that with recombinant protein engineering, but like... when I worked at a soft-serve ice cream shop in high school I was also pretty happy solving the problem of "not having ice cream" by serving people ice cream. the only issue with that job was that they only paid me $7.25/hr.

I'm tagging @emi--rose @neonpigeons @oatmilktruther @triflesandparsnips @veeagainsttheday @chocolatepot and @werewolf-transgenderism (sorry if you've already done it and I missed it!) and anyone else who wants to!

#my nonsense #tag game

[adickaboutspoons]

15 QUESTIONS FOR 15 FRIENDS

thank you for the tag @snake-snack-stede & @youshouldseemeinadeerstalker 💖💖💖💖💖

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?: my middle name was that of a childhood friend of my mother's who died before I was born.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: Tuesday

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?: yes - one son

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED?: I fenced in college, but otherwise I'm not particularly sporty

DO YOU USE SARCASM?: my mother tongue, but I use it a lot less than I used to

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?: their physical presence? IDK, man, I work vampire hours and go out very infrequently, so mostly I enjoy NOT noticing people because there are v. few out and about when I am.

WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR?: green

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?: ¿Por qué no los dos? Big fan of horror. Big fan of comedy. It all depends on the Mood

ANY TALENTS?: I'm quite a good dancer, a decent cook and baker, sing tolerably well, I've been known to write a bit, I sew my own clothes, and I am a dab hand at finding four-leaf clovers

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?: USA - Maryland, more specifically

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?: reading, writing, sewing, crochet, drawing, photography, making silly fanvids, and board gaming

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?: Three litter-sister cats; a tabby named Starbuck, a black cat named Kali Jayne, and a tortie named Amalthea

HOW TALL ARE YOU?: 5'7"

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?: English

DREAM JOB?: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah-hahahah. No. I do not dream of labor. I did want to be a ballerina when I was a girl, but was taller and thicker than all the other girls in my dance classes by 12 and broke my big toe at 15, so nah.

No presh, my lovlies, but tagging @nicnacsnonsense, @poetic----nonsense, @chocolatepot, @neverbelessthan, @depressedgremlinbitch, @agaywithcoffee, @ipomoea-batatas, @bookshelfdreams, @chained-to-the-mirror, @serious-goose, @starlithumanity, @saltpepperbeard, @red-sky-in-mourning, @virgo-79, & @triflesandparsnips

[epersonae]

five fic friday

Man with a Plan (T, 3400) by @livelydiver - hurt/comfort reunion fic, with Stede being just a little bit insane in the best way.

Young, Dumb, and Full of Rum (E, 10K) by @zombee - modern AU in which Ed is basically a burnt out Jimmy Buffet. Maybe one of my favorite modern AU meet-cutes, plus Pete being extremely Like That.

forever is our today (who waits forever anyway) (T, 5650) by @xoxoemynn - a little bit fairy tale, a little bit time loop, mythology but also modern AU.

and makes one little room an everywhere (G, 1150) by @triflesandparsnips - just a lovely little piece, Stede's love of John Donne and a quick sketch of a reunion. makes me want to read more poetry!

Blow the Man Down (M, 14K WIP) by @javiddenkins (I GUESS) - I thought about making this a bonus selection, because it's a WIP and I don't really know where it's going, because it links to Twitter without screenshots or anything (altho so far it's pretty readable even w/out tweets), and because of the whole Javid Denkins weirdness. I'll say two things, tho: this makes me quite certain that the tumblr puzzle cryptid is NOT Real Human Person David Jenkins, and also? it's good writing, dammit.

#ofmd #ofmd fic #ofmd au #five fic friday #javid denkins: god of irony #don't make me go back to twitter javid I refuse

[bojanus]

15 Questions, 15 Mutuals

Thanks to @trainsinanime for the tag!

1. Are you named after anyone?

Nope!

2. When was the last time you cried?

Last time I cried a solid amount was when watching Space Sweepers (2021) the other week... the ending got to me. More generally if you count tearing up or shedding a tear or two I'm quite vulnerable to those feel-good tender videos of like, marriage proposals and shelter animals finding a home etc etc, and unfortunately I have been using tiktok and it's learned that I watch and like those videos, so I probably shed a tear yesterday or the day before over one of those little things.

3. Do you have kids?

No

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

On occasion, but I wouldn't call that a defining trait of mine.

5. What sports do you play/have played?

Ahaha no. For real though, I was a theater kid back in high school, so the closest thing I did to a sport may have been dancing.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about someone?

Probably hair?

7. What’s your eye color?

Blue

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

HAPPY ENDINGS. I hate scary movies so much, I'm so weak to whatever emotions a story creator is trying to elicit (thus why I cry at so many tender movies/videos) but that means if it's a scary movie I will be legitimately SCARED and TERRIFIED. Bad time.

9. Any special talents?

Not particularly special but I play a little piano and guitar.

10. Where were you born?

United States of America

11. What are your hobbies?

Uhh making music, drawing, writing... basically anything with a creation/storytelling component I think is fun :D.

12. Do you have pets?

Not at the moment

13. How tall are you?

5' 7" (~170cm)

14. Favorite subject in school?

Music classes

15. Dream job?

I actually am having a pretty good time at my job right now... tho I suppose being paid to do nothing would be even better XD.

No pressure tags (u are always welcome to ignore, or to do the game without also tagging 15 people): @falliblefabrial @cat-denied @queenanne1532 @chekhovsdisconnectedwormbell @cealesti @toasthaste @vriska @mad-scientist-deki @out-in-the-darkside @haboat @emilyelizabethfowl @aphrodaisyacs @faustianfantasy @madoka-take-me-away @triflesandparsnips

#tag game

[starghost-fics]

thoughts on character weakness and desire, via Our Flag Means Death (part 1, oops)

intro: in which we discover a structure for character

I'm posting this on my fic blog rather than main because it's so tied to my fic not made of glass but flesh and bone, which is worse.

While writing what was supposed to be an indulgent bit of fun for myself in a gap of other writing, I got stuck. Mostly because stories eventually want a shape to them. At a certain length even fanfic wants to have a shape that's more than "two messed-up pirates go skinny-dipping and Yearn silently" and this fic got to that point.

I don't mean plot, because plot and me, well, we've met but we're not buddy-buddy, not anyone's OTP, sometimes we get together but like I'm not going to a party because plot is there, y'know?

So my way of moving forward is to look in other places. Poking at ideas and themes that had already arisen, and the particulars of yearning as indicated by character, I found myself with parallel scribblings that ultimately took this form:

CHARACTER: Desires X, does Y; character's [quality] expresses itself as [generalized action, internal or external] and [method of subverting own desires]

Which, looking at it, seems overcomplicated. But it's not! It's way less complicated than a real person's desires and actions. A tiny bit of complexity provides a detailed way to look at character, more detailed than "your character should want a thing." Want what? How? Why? And this is a tool for character arcs, because you develop a deeper quality that can be changed by circumstance or other characters.

character study: Stede Bonnet and self-doubt

Okay, take Stede.

desires strength, defaults to kindness

desires freedom, creates community

desires a pirate’s life, insists on completely redefining piracy

Stede's self-doubt sometimes expresses as fear and avoidance: pretending no one is on the ship in episode 1, but also fading into the background at the party (until Ed's self-loathing is triggered by humiliation)

(late-breaking addition: Stede's self-doubt also expresses as protective bombast and theatricality: costumes and misdirection)

Stede's self-doubt means he can't fully see his own true desires; his actions may undercut them

Basically, as here, a key weakness in the character creates a gulf between what they think they want and what they do. Not that the two things are incompatible opposites, but they're at odds, and the character probably hasn't resolved the dissonance. Maybe they do know they want both things! But they remain at odds, imbalanced, one prioritized over the other.

Part of the dissonance is a habitual response that comes from defense or self-preservation. When you express a desire, and the response around you puts you in apparent danger, you create strategies around it. (See @triflesandparsnips multi-part essay about Stede and touch, for example, omg.)

But it's also the way that the world around a person can distort perspective. It could be that the world tells them so many times, in so many ways, with such cruelty or soft manipulation, that what they want is wrong without them ever expressing that want. So they suppress that desire, and learn to want the “right” things. Or try to. Act like they do. Believe they do. But the heart wants what it wants, and that comes out in interesting ways.

(While writing this out, it occurs to me that you could probably look at this through a key strength in a character, too, one which might protect them from self-destructive tendencies or distorted desires.)

With Stede, you have a fascinating mix of arrogance and self-doubt (usually depending on context), but the quality of self-doubt came to the forefront as I scribbled about the contrasts between what he seems to want and what he often does. And sometimes his wants are on both sides, tbh! I don't think he doesn't want kindness or community. "I want to be a swashbuckling pirate, but a nice one :)" and "My family is here now!!! *crying*" are like foundational to his character. He bounces between conflicting desires and selves, doubtful which he wants, and uncertain what he deserves—unless it’s a terrible fate, which suits his self-doubt. For goodness sake, when asked if he wants to live, he doesn’t know. "I think so," he says, "probably," under duress.

The last bullet point above, about Stede not being able to see his true desires, is only in part about all the previous points. It's primarily about the big dissonance in wants: Ed. ED!!!!

There has been plenty of meta, which I obviously can’t find at the moment, about Stede's journey to realizing his feelings for Ed, and my favorite of it all doesn't pretend like he didn't have strong feelings—just that he couldn't name them, saw them otherwise, slotted them into approved desires, and was mildly confused the entire time. Self-doubt is questioning, denying, contorting. No wonder he believed Chauncy and fled. Barely starting to see what he wants, it wouldn’t take much to power up the self-doubt and tear his desire back down. The idea of something else? That Stede could desire Ed, and could be desired? He barely hopes to be tolerated sometimes, and acts with bombastic defense, a theatrical armor. But from the moment he meets Ed, he's without that armor. Very little bombast is available from a sickbed. And I don't think he does much to put that armor back on in front of Ed. But he still has his self-doubt, years of it twisting his view, "protecting" him from seeing the fullness of what he wants.

to be continued

Oh my god is this long enough for one part? More in a bit, on Ed.

I would love for people to engage with this. I've watched the show multiple times through but haven't rewatched with this in mind, so I'm not citing my sources or digging for examples; this is a messy hybrid of meta and general thoughts about writing, and the transformation that happens when I get my grubby little hands on characters. So I'm really interested to see what others think!

EDIT: Part two! Ed and self-loathing

#our flag means death #meta #stede bonnet #character analysis #multipart essay #media analysis #writing #character development #ofmd #i wanted to sprinkle decorative gifs in here but i don't have the patience to search for just the right ones

[triflesandparsnips]

Just popping in to let you know that “my blood remembers when it ran through both our veins” is one of the most devastatingly beautiful things I have ever read and it’s had me REELING all day. Thank you for putting that feeling into such earth-shattering words, I honestly feel ~changed as a human being <3

AW JEEZ, THANK YOU.

For everybody else-- this is referring to the tags on this post. But taken separately, you could read them (or hear me read them) as a poem called, maybe, "when actors press into their kisses":

I love it when actors just go full-body like that because yes kisses with LOTS OF SPACE in between      is a thing that happens! but they're not the only kind and there is a very particular message about a full-body one especially on screen and that message is 'somebody said we must live in two separate bodies- but my skin says it misses you- and my blood remembers when it ran through both our veins- and every part of me just wants to prove      a motherfucker wrong - so let's kiss and kiss - until our bodies become one again- and we can finally take a full deep breath of air instead of the lonely half-measures that sustained us for all the years it took to find our other halves again'

#Aristophanes called and he wants his theory of love back #poetry #triflesandparsnips writes things #apparently! #podfic #sort of? #related to #our flag means death #our flag means death s2

[triflesandparsnips]

For anyone who needs it tonight, "To Have a Helping Hand (for as long as the tides move and the wind can turn us back toward home)" is a short little soft future you can imagine for Ed and Stede, written way back in 2022:

In an out of the way corner of the Republic of Pirates is an establishment that has no sign and has never advertised. It is, nonetheless, reliably known as Blackbeard’s Bar & Grill & Other Delicacies & Delights & Fishing Equipment-- or “The Gift Shop” for short.

#our flag means death #triflesandparsnips writes things #there are two old men and they're both named Jeff

[triflesandparsnips]

Mad scientist(s) for the au ask game.

Five fun facts that would happen in the story (which I'm gonna do with OFMD, unless/until someone asks me otherwise):

In this AU the mad-scientist profession usually runs in families, but both Ed and Stede are outliers. Ed ran away from home as a child and was taken in by a childless widower who claimed himself to be the great-grandson of Johann Faust (which may or may not have been true, but Hornigold certainly had enough tricks up his sleeve with regard to the alchemical arts that it might very well have been so). Ed, under his nom de science Blackbeard, rose to acclaim for his ability to conjure spirits, his medical acumen, and his likely deal with the devil. Stede, on the other hand, was the son of landed gentry and had no connection whatsoever to the grand history of mad science-- but he collected the treatises, had more than enough money to buy himself a tower and a water wheel for the electrical experiments, and styled himself the Gentleman Philosopher without any real knowledge of what he was getting himself into. He may or may not have had some mystical robes specifically tailored for this purpose. There may or may not be quite a few alchemical symbols for Mars stitched on them.

Rather than a single ghoul to help source his Dread Necessities (as Ed has Igor Izzy), Stede has an entire crew of down-and-outs who are more than happy to find him "very definitely real philosopher's stone, absolutely" and "the hand of a hanged murderer buried at a crossroads, which always very definitely look like slightly moldy turnips after a while" and "yes it's an authentic black cockerel, but don't touch it or wipe its feather or anything, they, uh, don't like that". This may seem like they are taking advantage of Stede's naivety, and that's because they absolutely are. On the other hand, though, they do their (admittedly, not great) best to let it be known throughout the nearby countryside that the Gentleman Philosopher does not represent any particular harm to the bodies or souls of the local townsfolk, being as he's just a rich idiot with a hobby and perhaps too much faith in the honesty of others-- so no pitchforks or anything necessary, yeah? Just let the man have a nice time. And if you have a particularly funny looking turnip, let them know.

It should be stated, though, that Buttons is absolutely the son of a long and storied family of mad scientists. He will on occasion try to help Stede with his Great Works, but Stede keeps trying to add more style to the proceedings than is strictly necessary. All you really need, Buttons knows, is some auspicious moon dates and the right ingredients from trustworthy sources (and here he might look very fondly at Karl, who will in turn preen smugly), and Bob's your uncle, you've got gold or good health or a shambling creature risen from the dead, whatever suits your fancy. Buttons mostly uses his family's gifts making Aqua Vitae in less time than it ought, and for this reason, the others ignore the bird and try not to mention pitchforks too often.

Mad scientists tend to stay in one spot in general -- hence Stede's insistence on the tower, even though it necessitated more ladders and dizzying spiral staircases than he'd really anticipated -- but this will often lead to local mobs and witchfinders knowing exactly where you are at any given time, which is not conducive to scientific study. Ed had long ago taken his show on the road to avoid this very outcome, and had crafted himself a very clever caravan that could be stopped and set up whenever he found himself needing to do a little work. The itinerant life was a necessity but... it wasn't fun like it used to be. And these days, he tended to leave the majority of the work for Izzy-- cooking up simples to sell to farmfolk kept Iz busy so Ed could do the important things like sit around contemplating the universe and also maybe wonder if that whole "base metal into gold" thing was just as much of a fuckery as everything else Ed had done to gain his reputation. But Ed didn't know how to be anything other than a mad scientist. So... so maybe he needed to be looking at some other options. Really study up on that "deal with the devil" thing his detractors kept rattling on about. Maybe do some work toward the life after death thing, see if there was anything he could... prepare for. And it's as the caravan rattles down the road to the next town and he's gloomily considering whether he would rather leave his caravan to Izzy or require its immolation with his own corpse (strongly favoring the latter)... that the road bends, and he sees the tower.

The Gentleman Philosopher's tower is ridiculous. It's got at least five floors, and the top has a widow's walk, crenellations, and a pole with half a dozen flags of questionable alchemical meaning strung up it. The stones appear to be made of some kind of glittery granite, nothing like the local rocks, and the mortar joining them has either been painted or, somehow, imbued with an absolute fuckton of chrysocolla to make it look fucking teal. There's a babbling brook nearby that pushes a water wheel attached to the side of the tower, except the proportions are all wrong for any of the really big ticket experiments you can do with that kind of energy -- and moreover, it looks like it's made out of some kind of cherry wood that's absolutely going to warp all to fuck in the water sooner rather than later. There's a stable out the back with what look like half a dozen exotic creatures just bleating happily to themselves -- a grove of goddamn orange trees where any sensible person would have their vegetable garden -- and what appears to be a motherfucking koi pond by the front door. Ed is fuckin' enchanted. He is, in fact, going to go up to that tower and find out everything he can about the beautiful, genius madman running the place-- --the very second he gets done rescuing the guy from the enormous mob of torch-wielding locals currently trying to set fire to his pasty-looking corpse.

...And a bonus:

Once the smoke is cleared and the townsfolk appropriately terrified of what the mad scientist Blackbeard might summon upon them for their temerity, Ed can take his own sweet time getting the unconscious and probably-not-actually-dead Gentleman Philosopher situated in his incredibly comfy-looking bed-- there to watch him, bleed him as necessary, and come up with a thousand and one questions about the guy's whole, like, deal.

Izzy, meanwhile, has been left outside to stare in horror at the large sign affixed above the tower's door. The sign, somewhat smoke-stained now, reads:

The Gentle-man Philoſofer

Behold the True Glaſs of Alchymaie!

☞ Myſteries & Wonders ☜

Galenical & Chymical Phyſick

Some Cookerie of a Moſt Delightfful Variety

Many Excellent Remedys for Scurvy Alſo

DO NOT TOUCH THE BIRDS

"What," says Izzy, "the fuck."

#meme #AU ask game #our flag means death #something something yes it turns out that their '''chemistry''' is REAL #together they turn their own base selves into ~gold #aw yeah hit me with those alchemical themes #trifles the amateur history enthusiast strikes again #triflesandparsnips writes things #free plot bunnies #if you write it link it #do the thing

[triflesandparsnips]

New fic on AO3-- or rather, a very old fic, rescued from the Wayback Machine and reposted-- Star Trek: Voyager, the Doctor, a short "Latent Image" post-ep:

OH NO RELEVANT MEDIA:

#triflesandparsnips writes things #star trek #star trek: voyager #st voyager #the EMH #the Doctor #(not that one) #s05e11 #Latent Image #star trek wrestling with the ethics of holography will never NOT be my jam

[triflesandparsnips]

And I would like to spend...

forever with you

the rest of time with you

the few precious moments of peace I have with you

every last waking, sleeping, dreaming, laughing, loving day and night of our unending eternal lives

with you

with you

with you

I don't pray, I can't pray, but I can hope you hear these words in the silence because

I mean, if Gabriel and Beelzebub can do it, go off together, then we can.

#good omens #good omens spoilers #triflesandparsnips writes things

[triflesandparsnips]

Another wild instance of me posting actual questions:

Some time back (in the wild early months of 2014) I wrote a full-length historical romance. It's set in London, the year 1911, and features fast cars, hysteria treatments, and various queer and queered characters.

Because I think I'm funny, it's called Driven by Desire.

To be honest, as much as I love it, I think I'm a different writer now than I was then-- which is to say, I'm not much interested in trying to shop it around to agents or whathaveyou, and the sheer effort of making it presentable for some self-publishing platform fills me with the sudden urge to sleep for a thousand years.

But... word on the street is, sometimes the AO3 can be used for... original works. I dunno how common that is, though, or whether it's just messy to put non-fanfic stuff up. But I've got... 23 chapters here? 80k-ish? All complete? And there's porn? So like...

...any reason why I shouldn't just start posting it?

#triflesandparsnips writes things #original work #a question for the seething masses #when I say 'hysteria treatments' I mean absolutely YES there are ancient vibrators in this #I make my own fun #AO3's driven by desire

[triflesandparsnips]

Speaking of the orange-flower water pomatum for lips and its associated potential uses...

5/9/22 ETA: And this is all in reference to:

I researched contemporaneous recipes from Stede Bonnet’s likely home library!

I've posted this fic to the AO3!

I have subsequently had a Bad Idea about selling this pomatum!

Plot bunny, free to a good home (more here):

In an out of the way corner of the Republic of Pirates is an establishment that has no sign and has never advertised. It is, nonetheless, reliably known as Blackbeard's Bar and Grill and Other Delicacies and Delights and Fishing Equipment-- or "The Gift Shop" for short.

It's managed by a pair of old codgers who like to daydream, drink over-sugared tea, and tell outrageous lies about their youth. They've named the place for a legend who went missing after his head was cut off in '18, though they'd be the first to say that maybe "stopped showing up in bars after a very public decapitation, gosh, I wonder why" was not perhaps the most complicated of mysteries. They won't say why they've named it for him, though-- they don't even seem to be related to the man. So far as anyone can tell, their names are Jeff.

The food is decent, the prices reasonable, and anyone maimed on premises gets a free splash of the highest proof booze they have in stock over whatever's still bleeding. But nice as all that is, it's not for any of those reasons that The Gift Shop is the most sought-after eatery in the nautical world-- nor why the Jeffs can largely afford to ignore things like consistent menus or reliable hours.

No, the real reason everyone knows to come to this particular little corner of the pirate netherworld is because of, well... The Gift Shop's gift shop.

The gift shop of The Gift Shop is filled mostly with fishing equipment, as the place's proper name would suggest. But right by the till, set up in friendly little pyramids as if begging to be added on top of other supplies as last-minute impulse purchase, are dozens of palm-sized tins with printed paper pasted to their lids, each of them reading "A Delightfull Pomatum FOR Diuerse Ufes, by a Gentle-man's SPECIAL INSTRUCTION."

As the majority of people who came into the shop were functionally illiterate, it was the accompanying illustration -- of a hand holding a full-sailed ship in its palm -- that really helped give the pomatum it's more commonly held and extremely apt title:

"The Seaman's Friend"

Because as it turned out, and regardless of what that one Jeff tended to huff about, while this little tin of scented salve worked well enough on chapped lips, its real "delightful diverse use" was as the best bit of slick in the seven seas.

Better smelling than goose grease and a hell of a lot more effective than spit, the Seaman's Friend would take care of a man in private or in company, in sickness or in health, whether hauling or heaving or switching as the wind dictated (as Jeff liked to say while nudging Jeff and anyone else standing within reach of his elbows). It lasted for months, smelled like a wet dream's idea of heaven, and was always priced a penny cheaper than the market cost of the snake kebab.

Apothecaries had tried to buy its recipe from the Jeffs; thieves had tried to steal whole boxes of them to resell at an exorbitant cost. Those apothecaries had gone home either empty-handed or with a recipe that was sure to cause unsightly boils; the thieves merely disappeared, to the wide-eyed surprise of the old men who were questioned after the fact. (Thieves? Weird. SO weird. Can we interest you in a kebab?)

And through it all, year after year, the Jeffs sat behind their till, or wandered amongst their dining customers, or just climbed to the roof and sat watching the ocean while The Gift Shop continued buzzing along without them. A delightful and diverse use of their time together, in fact, by some special instruction all their own.

#our flag means death #ofmd #triflesandparsnips writes things #free plot bunnies #if you write it link it #do the thing #old men in love YES I SAID IT #Blackbeard's Bar and Grill and Other Delicacies and Delights and Fishing Equipment #and a gift shop out the back #with lube in it #orange you glad to see me #stede bonnet #edward teach #ed teach #THE JEFFS #stede bonnet's lip balm

[triflesandparsnips]

So I'm too tired at the moment to storm the Bastille and write a proper full-on fic, but--

New episode of Ted Lasso season 3 is gonna drop in a few hours and I'd like to take a moment to just manifest myself a little Concept, if you will--

Because considering where we left off in the previous episode, I do wonder if, say, certain coaches who shall remain Ted are feeling a tad betrayed about some stuff, relationship-wise, and maybe feel a little salty about some things-- that is to say, he hadn't been holding out hope for some kinda reunion or anything, he knew that ship had sailed and he'd been a big part of its going-away party, but to not even be given a, a heads up about it, a friendly warning, maybe some white smoke from the Sistine Chapel to say "guess what, Ted, the home you thought you'd live the rest of your life in has some other fella's boots by the front door--"

Which may all account for why he's in a bar that is most definitely not the Crown & Anchor, nursing a beer and waiting to see where the evening takes him.

What becomes apparent over the course of the next hour is that the short answer to 'where will the evening take him' is 'not very far, Ringo Starr' -- he's not at his local but he sure as hell is getting recognized, and it's putting a whole damper on his plan to pick someone up -- or get picked up, either'd be fine by him -- and sort of, well, defiantly prove to the invisible Michelle in his head that she ain't the only one who can move on and not say jack about it--

Another fan comes up and hovers at his elbow, slurring something about offside rule and asking for a selfie with the wanker. The seconds it takes to paste on a smile, put a big thumbs up in the shared selfie, and send them tottering off again with half a joke about nonsense rules is, Ted realizes, enough time to get his ducks back in a row whether he wanted them in marching order or not.

Because he's not being fair, and he knows it-- it's not like he'd told Michelle about Sassy. The first or second time. And it woulda been wrong if he had -- it wasn't any of their business what the other got up to anymore, which meant she was free to do what she wanted and he was free to do what he wanted and that was--

That was fine.

What wasn't fine, he supposed, was that all this moody introspection wasn't particularly attractive on him, since he was pretty sure it made him look like a mustachioed Droopy Dog, so best thing for it was to hang up his hat-- or drink up his beer, anyway-- and mosey on home so he could have a sad little date by himself and his hand before conking out and starting over again tomorrow with a better mindset.

So Ted takes a deep breath, lets it out, downs the last sip of his now very warm beer, and slides off his stool--

And promptly runs into Trent Crimm's face.

.......something something and then they end up getting a booth together and talking about how it's actually Ted being upset about Michelle introducing the new guy to Henry, and they think they're both trauma-bonding over being single parents and the dating scene but ACTUALLY they are both unaware that they are totally picking each other up. (Until at least one of them-- probably Trent, to be honest-- finally gets a fucking clue.)

#hooray! #free plot bunnies #if you write it link it #do the thing #ted lasso #trent crimm #ted lasso season 3 #even more delicious would be if NEITHER of them got it and instead we are left with just THE NARRATIVE IMPLICATIONS #anyway yes santa please bring me this thx #triflesandparsnips writes things

[triflesandparsnips]

Hey sorry to bother but. I just spent a half hour looking for your orange blossom pomatum post(s) because my brain is Like That and I remembered it because it was linked on a fic. Problem is now I can't remember the fic!! Was it you who ended up writing it? If not, do you know who? I think they use the damn thing as lube but I'm not sure lol help please I'm going mad

HELLO FRIEND. boooom have TWO links:

original tumblr plot bunny

"To Have a Helping Hand (for as long as the tides move and the wind can turn us back toward home)" on the AO3

if the pomatum has appeared in OTHER FICS then holy fucking shit gimme them links

#our flag means death #orange you glad to see me #triflesandparsnips writes things #aaaaaaah

[triflesandparsnips]

fanfic questions, for the one about Doug (sorry I'm not going to go hunting for the title) - 4 and 15?

lol, for the fanfic writer ask-box meme you speak of "They Haven't Made the Color Yet That'll Paint Over Every Part of Your Past," my Doug-centric "what the fuck was his POV during all these shenanigans" fic

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?

I'm realizing, as I look at the fic again for this question, that there are only two lines of dialogue in the entire thing. One's a line from Stede, right at the end, and the other (my favorite), is Mary's:

He'd asked Mary once what it'd been like 'before,' in the careful brushstrokes of a man who doesn't want to spoil the painting with too much attention. She'd carefully scraped a long edge of vermillion onto her palette knife and slashed it across the precise mosaic angles of the flower she'd worked on for days. And then she'd said, as if from a great distance: "Lonely."

It's fitting, I think, that the only two lines are from the married couple, with Doug narrating in between.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic?

I'm not particularly painting-minded (and am colorblind to boot), so doing some fast research into painters of the age and picking up some handy terminology was a useful exercise.

But I also spent a little time poking at how I thought Doug and Mary's relationship would've come about, particularly as he's of a working class compared to her landed gentry, because that's a bit of a blank in the canon. On top of that, he's incredibly cheerful and kind in canon -- in the face of extraordinary amounts of provocation -- and I wondered what sort of mind and personality was behind that. Writing a character piece about him helped me find a narrative for him in the canon that fit all the known pieces together in an emotionally satisfying way... so I suppose what I learned from writing this fic was who Doug is.

#epersonae #our flag means death #ask box games #triflesandparsnips writes things