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tw1stedthicket · 2 days

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Sorry if this is rather deep for my tumblr, but I feel like I gotta acknowledge how much of standing on my own two feet as an adult is heavily because of efforts to re-parent myself. I'm having to develop my own 'person' for the first time -- yes, it was always there, but it was like a baby bird that couldn't fly. There was nothing broken or faulty, but it was struggling to grow past a certain point without someone taking compassion and patience on it to give it what it needed. I have had to figure out who the fuck I actually am. What actually matters to me, what that looks like, and who I want to be. I am having to restrain the overactive judging part of me all too eager to jump to not having self worth, all too prone to shame, all too susceptible to projecting impatience with other people even over minor annoyance or upsetness, and struggling to accept it from others or myself, or feel indignant when other people push past me at work that I never stand up to. I feel like I'm learning what "benefit of the doubt" and "assuming the good" actually means, and God! So much shit I'm unlearning about failure and what that means for me, about not carrying myself in a small way, about drawing boundaries with people and myself and what is owed to me and what I owe to them, and about the way people do actually tend to forgive, do tend to extend mercy, do empathize with the feeling of yearning, of honest to god earnestness at our cores. We want to be loved. I'm learning how people are, and it's been such a long time coming to even stand.up. To face the day and not succumb to fear, and take baby steps toward the vulnerability of optimism, here again not too late now that I know my life is my own to live and nobody else's unhappiness to bear. The courage of acceptance, despite the possibility of rejection and abandonment, and I just couldn't have gotten to this point without learning what I have the last six years.

Lessons learned like, "Relationships require trust that people do not intend to hurt you, and if there are issues they will communicate it if they care about you, and if you care about them, you need to not build up resentment and actually communicate with them and trust them." Things like, "You're not on such a spotlight that performance is required of you. The only thing 'asked' is to be human. People don't actually care that much to notice and trip you up over perceived failings or unmet expectations, just show up wherever you are, be you, and let it go because it doesn't actually matter that much." Things like, "The validation of other people is your only lifeline when you feel empty inside, and that's okay while you are building it. But you will forever feel empty unless you learn to inhabit the space inside you and reach out to it in kindness, because the only place and person you are left with is you, and you will forever be capable of being ruined by the abandonment of others until you accept that you are, in fact, not a creature to have mercy on, but an entire, fleshed out human being worthy of everything you desire, and you do have a lot of acceptance and beauty around you already. You have to learn to treat yourself with love, like a friend, like the human you are, like you are on your own side, to keep going and not burn out. The center you crave of finally feeling safe, and safe enough to rest, has to be built from a foundation of love inside you. You are a safe place to lie down in. You see what you wish others did, and that's enough, and when you connect with others, it is as two people recognizing how together we are in our own lives, like neighbors in our gardens rising with the day to lovingly water our flowers & give a friendly laugh to. That means do what you love, own it, forgive yourself every time, be patient like you're still learning, and trust yourself that you are doing the right thing."

So much of my life is built around the anxiety of unlovability. And I've dug so much and know so much about perfectionism, people-pleasing, spirituality, co-dependecy, anxious attachment, etc. But it all kinda revolves around a fear of aloneness and inevitable abandonment, where unconditional love, kindness, warmth, understanding, patience, forgiveness, trust, listening, remembering, etc. is what is healing me. It feels like it's finally being delivered by me, someone who finally grew up enough to be able to give it. To be the stronger person to get down on the level of a child and extend compassion. I don't know if this is how it is for anyone else. That the source of unconditional love is arriving to them from a bigger, older figure after all - them, in the future. I've spent years trying to get it from my parents, even past the point of trying but still confusingly wondering how, even still indignantly upset that it still isn't there, and I admit I am still miles away from not being triggered damn near every time I come home. But I recognize it now as an adult witnessing another adult, somebody who sees the little kid in me and says "How could you do that to them?" and will step in with responsibility. I feel grief, just as I always have before I even knew its name, but at least now there's somebody else in me too - or I am somebody else altogether than I was then, and that person knows now that it's mean. It's mean to be mean to myself and leave me all alone, not having help, or trust, or warmth, or acceptance. And there is a great kindness at least now, imperfect but there, that I deserve better from myself. I can't change or fix anybody else, but I can be kind to myself at the end of the day. I can believe in myself like child me praying to a God much kinder - all the faith I need is in myself, trying to be built on every noticeable act of kindness that I am alive each day to see the beauty in it. Even on days I wish I wasn't, there are rainbows. The older me says hey, there must've been rain, wasn't there? That means puddles. Do you wanna go find 'em?

#recovery #healing #self-love

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killintrill · 2 years

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I know my text posts are new but idk I just had to let this out somewhere and tumblr is safe from the lames but idk lately I just feel everything piling up and it's not stopping but like my metaphorical ceiling of what I can continue to tolerate is right there and I've never felt so low in my life the people around me the place I live my family every aspect of my life makes me feel as if I'm absolutely nothing and I thought I meant that for so long but never have I felt it to this extent and been this genuinely heartbroken by how I rlly mean so little to everyone and how invisible I've become how blatantly ignored I am when I speak or talked over I already have anxiety to put myself out there in any way shape or form to stop me from trying to interact w anyone or even do anything then to rlly be as alone as I Have been all my life just to finally get to be myself and be alone again this shit is rlly fucking w me I literally push the few real people away bc of my illness I can't let anyone see what I really get like they don't want me around already just wait until they have a full view of what schizoaffective disorder can make you do without you even remembering it happy I rlly am so defeated I've tried so hard for 24 years to rise above and break the cycle of the horrible ppl I was raised by when honestly I've never admitted this but all I wanted was to be accepted and noticed and them be proud of me and pay attention but they didn't and now my childhood trauma paranoia of never being good enough to matter has become my reality and I'm really scared and this dark place I'm in right now has a hold on my soul I rlly am so empty I'm not even wanting to live anymore how could people do this to someone like they fake nice when I'm helping them or they feel obligated but I can't ever get real genuine acknowledgement I've never contemplated taking my life and it's all I do anymore and I never saw this for me i don't want to live if this is what useless meaningless space I am

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queennadisa · 2 years

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One: Itz-ah Mi-a, Nadi. :)

Hi, I'm Nadi.

I'm starting this blog for a number of reasons, but first and foremost, it is to identify what's important to me and use this blog as an outlet to share, and in turn hopefully inspire.

I am a business owner, as well as a server two times over, and I have a normal 8-5pm work day. This is what I do, not entirely who I am as a person, but I do revel in the opportunities to venture in open spaces where I wouldn't normally go and create something new from a perspective of being "the invited".

I'm currently on Effexor XR and my prescriptions have just doubled. In search of maintaining who I am and learning that things are a process in life in order to reach the goals I'd like to reach, I need to understand that this is going to take some time. Time is something I always worry is running out, and I always worry I don't do enough with my time. Sometimes I overbook myself and overdo myself and squeeze myself into tiny slots in the day, not happy to run over and spill into the next spot.

Lately, I've learned to take a break. Take a breather, analyze my thoughts and let them go. Sometimes they do mean something, but they don't always HAVE to mean something.

If I had it my way, in three months time I would be fluent in 5 languages, 10 programming languages, have made a comic book, two series of tarot cards, my business would lead me to quit my 9-5 and serving jobs and I would be living my best life on a beach somewhere, checking in "here and there".

But a lot of times what I'm coming to realize is that my expectations are no where near realistic, especially realistic for the lifestyle I'm living. I'm anxiety ridden and trigger happy with my emotions. I despise routines, I hate driving the same way to the market, or work, when I have to come in. I also feel like I have to be present for everything, and that leaves me with an empty glass, so most evenings, I'm exhausted and sleeping and that nap isn't going to push me or my goals any farther from inside of my mind.

What I have realized is that with taking the medication, I feel like I lose myself, and I want to stay here, I want to stay present and develop good habits to cultivate who I truly am and get to a place in life where I'm truly happy.

I know that I'm black. I know I'm female. I know I'm an artist. A free thinker. A philosopher. A note-taker. A foodie. A realist. An astrology lover..The list goes on. I'm in search to truly connect with these things and make the world a better place, but first I have to fill my glass.

For those of you who enjoy astrology, I am a gemini moon, so that may explain some airy-ness to my thoughts but also a modest and humble world view- seeing things from more than one angle. I also lack boundaries and self respect. I felt that was important to note as well. I will also include some weekly astrology updates, to see how they connect because that also interests me.

I want to talk about the business, my world events, what I'm working on, etc. etc. I want to be present, and to be documented because that scares me the most. Consistency and being found out. I like to air on the side of mystery but I feel that this is the most comfortable way for me to adapt to change and head to this new era of learning through digital experience.

I am deeply rooted to my mother and I enjoy speaking about trauma and family ties. I again will try not to get too personal. Whether this reaches one person or a million people, hopefully it will give someone a reason to think in a different way or make positive changes and choices.

Another add-on. If it's weed to be smoked, imma smoke it. I'm a big pot head and weed will be talked about. I do use weed therapeutically and I do have a medicinal license to obtain and use weed, safely, in the state of Michigan, where I'm from and reside.

This is all I feel called to speak on for now, I am trying to learn structure little by little and this is also linked to my business Tumblr so I can see notifications from both - again, I'm always doing too much but we will see how things change in a few months to come. Who knows?

We're all powerful in different ways. The struggle is harnessing this power and owning it.

I'm owning my power today.

#ownyourpower #pridemonth #Juneteenth #black artists #female artists #collective #art #inspire #create #newblog #consistency #growth #mindset #meditate #meditation #astrology #engineering

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strangergrove · 4 years

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× VOL 001 × 04.19.2020 ×

TUMBLR | @bambixxblue AO3 | moonlight_xx

× these hearts adore (every other beat, the other one beats for) ×

WORD COUNT: 10,569

CHAPTERS: 2/?

My Tumblr prompt fics all in one place. Some pining, some angst, but usually always a damn happy ending.

1. peach, curve of an ear, coffee grounds, veined hands, thunder

2. ways to say 'i love you' - 'i brought you an umbrella.'

The writing in this is so exquisite. It feels like cracking open a favourite book on a rainy Sunday morning, when the rest of the world is still asleep. It's comforting and poetic and incredibly heartwarming.

The first chapter takes us along on a sweet little vacation to California, a last hurrah of sorts, before the kids head off to college. It's sweet and peach-soaked and you can feel the ocean breeze against your skin with every passing word. It's the exact brand of happiness our boys deserve.

The second part is an achingly beautiful redemption for Billy. He learns how to let his wounds heal, learns how to let others in, learns how to trust and love. His initial interactions when he meets Steve are so precious and it shows how complex of a person he is, the softness beneath his concrete shell. I will devour any update to this amazing collection.

× the light of day shows me how ×

WORD COUNT: 39,173

CHAPTERS: 7/7

And from Robin, a single picture: the official cast list.

ROMEO MONTAGUE...BILLY HARGROVE

JULIET “JULIAN” CAPULET...STEVE HARRINGTON

Ah, fuck.

(or, Steve and Billy are in ballet school. They're cast in LGBT+ Romeo and Juliet. Featuring mutual pining, angst to fluff, and an Ancient Slavic demon cult. It gets weird.)

This is such a fun read. The spattering of background into the story really carves out the characters so well, choreographing the story in such a way that you fall into their lives without realizing it. You sit down to watch Steve practice his role for Julian and suddenly find yourself wondering if that small stutter you just saw has anything to do with any number of little details you know of his past. You see Billy storm across the studio floor and know that he’s trying to bury something that keeps resurfacing, but he refuses to let anyone help him.

It’s wonderful watching the way the boys play off of each other, pushing one another to better themselves in both their dance and their personal lives. Watching Steve fumble with his newfound and confusing feelings is sweet, hopeful, just waiting, waiting for it to tip over the edge, for the boys to fall into the space they’ve always belong: by each other’s side.

I’ve never done ballet, only watched it here and there in movies and shows, but I fell in love with this story, the way their dances are described, their movements. So if you’ve never been that into ballet, don’t let that deter you from reading this story. It’s so much more than just ballet.

× friends should sleep in other beds ×

WORD COUNT: 13,517

CHAPTERS: 2/2

It isn’t easy being in love with your best friend.

It especially isn’t easy being in love with your best friend if he’s the practical-Godfather of your university.

(or, 'I won't let anyone hurt you; you're safe with me' prompt fill where Steve thinks his love is one-sided but it absolutely isn't. Feat. loving girlfriends and Hawaiian vacations.)

This story is beyond achingly stunning. It’s all whirlwinds and longing and the white-knuckle deathgrip of trying to hold onto something you’re convinced is going to slip away. The deep, binding relationship between Billy and Steve is beautiful and heartbreaking and hopeful at the same time. Both characters have obvious trenches of emotional trauma they’ve had to trudge through to get where they are, trenches they’re still slowly crawling their ways out of.

The words are so wonderfully crafted that I felt the sway and break of Steve’s emotions at the same time he did. I felt the longing, the sorrow, the sputtering flame of hope that just refuses to gutter and die. I want to say I wanted more of this story, but I don’t know if my heart could have handled it. No, it was the perfect length, detailing the long harrowing journey of love and friendship, of finding family that doesn’t come from blood, of holding desperately onto things that are worth the bruises they leave on your fingers.

TUMBLR | @cameorabbit AO3 | CaffeinatedBunny

× Life Is Sweet ×

WORD COUNT: 8,676

CHAPTERS: 4/4

Snapshots of domestic bliss, between loving boyfriends.

(This story will be marked as complete but I will be adding chapters as the muses come to me or when I need a break from some of my larger wip)

This wonderful little collection offers us a sweet insight into the boys' relationship. We get small glimpses into the boys' pasts that add layers to the stories. We get to see little snippets of Steve's relationship with his mother and grandmother. We get to see Billy's insecurities.

Each story has it’s own little theme, if you will, from baking Christmas cookies to battling insecurities in their relationship. Each story gives us a little more, brings us a little deeper into these boys’ lives, adds that next layer to them that has you coming back to see how they’ve developed. I'm looking forward to any future additions to this collection.

× When I run out of road (You bring me Home) ×

WORD COUNT: 5,316

CHAPTERS: 1/1

The road back to Hawkins Indiana is long and tedious with neither of them really wanting to reach their destination; so to distract them both Billy has a plan to make it as pleasurable for both of them as he can.

Uffda. This was a fun read. Now, before I dive into the review, just a heads up: this is a PWP with dom/sub. And apologies in advance for my inability to be eloquent about smut.

The dynamic between the two was a joy to read. Steve's mannerisms as a baby and the way Billy handles him as his Daddy was fantastic. It's not heavy dom/sub here, but you can tell they've had this relationship for a while. They're both comfortable in their roles and both know exactly what they're doing, and how to get a rise out of each other. But between the power play and the drops of backstory, there's actually some beautiful writing here, too. There were a few lines that I found myself rereading just because they sounded beautiful.

Also, I just have to say... The way Billy handles his own cock... Why do I love that so much? Just little things, too, like tapping it against the steering wheel while he's teasing Steve.

× I'll Keep you Mine ×

WORD COUNT: 3,926

CHAPTERS: 1/1

Billy's forged a kingdom and took an empty throne, and he'll burn anyone and anything that tries to take it from him.

(My Dudes this whole story is pretty much the Grumpy Possessive one claims the Sunshine One - Literally. And I ain't even mad.)

Here we get a gorgeously written tale that spins the events of the Upside Down in a different light. I don't want to spoil what that is, as it's not explicitly stated in the summary or tags, so you'll have to read to find out! This idea could easily be fleshed out into a much longer piece, but there's also something about just getting a small taste of an idea that is very enjoyable.

There is this persistent sense of danger beneath all the beautiful imagery. It's in the pacing of the story, in the way Billy needs to claim Steve. We get enough of a taste of this otherness to want more, to want to see exactly how everything unfolds.

TUMBLR | @wickedlydevious AO3 | wickedlydevious

× Weak Hands, Weak Lungs, Strong Heart ×

SERIES: Strong Heart

WORD COUNT: 2,771

CHAPTERS: 1/1

After the events at Starcourt Mall, Billy is recovering in the hospital and bored out of his mind. The only bright spots are when Max comes to visit.

And then Steve Harrington starts visiting too and that's even better.

There is a very beautiful light and warmth throughout this story. Billy's character feels so accurate, and the way he deals with being in the hospital and everything that entails is exquisitely portrayed here. What Billy has to deal with in the wake of the Mind Flayer grates against his entire personality, but it forces him to step outside of his comfort zone, outside of himself, and relearn how to interact with people, namely Steve.

The thing I loved most about this story is that we get to see these different facets of Billy, facets that maybe even he didn't really know were there, ones he never allowed himself to show because of his father. Still recovering, still being dependent on other people forces these different aspects of him into the world, and it's beautiful. It creates this very special sort of relationship between Billy and Steve that is just so pure and heart warming. I'll definitely be coming back to this when I need a spark of joy.

× Weak Backbone, Strong Convictions ×

SERIES: Strong Heart

WORD COUNT: 3,212

CHAPTERS: 1/1

After the events at Starcourt Mall, Steve starts bringing Max to visit Billy at the hospital.

And then Steve starts visiting on his own.

The sweetness continues with the second part of the Strong Heart series. The events of the first part are retold, but this time through Steve's POV. I've always loved the idea of telling the same events from different perspectives and this did not disappoint. The events may be the same, but you feel them differently than when they were told through Billy's perspective. Though the tone of the previous installation is ultimately uplifting, it's clear Billy is struggling. This part, however, is overflowing with hope, which only adds to the already beautiful feeling of the last piece. Don't think that because you already know the events that will take place because you read the last part that you shouldn't read this one. It's beautiful and moving and there are moments added that would be a shame to miss out on. I really hope this series continues, because it is wonderfully uplifting, but it stands strong all the same, just as it is.

× T(h)ree Mistakes ×

WORD COUNT: 4,559

CHAPTERS: 1/1

It’s their first Christmas in their own apartment and Steve reluctantly tasks Billy with getting the tree.

Mistakes are made.

This is a great read for the holidays. Billy's tree-getting adventures brought back so many memories of going to the tree farm down the road from our house as a kid and making a day of trying to find a tree that didn't look like trash and wouldn't break the bank. The feel of the story is cozy and sweet, like a warm and sleepy holiday morning. The kids, now teens, make a short but fun appearance that really makes this story feel like it's about found family.

This story is like coming home, rounding up all of your best friends you haven’t seen in ages, and making a night of the holidays. It’s sipping eggnog, the lights turned down low, and listening to the sweet croon of gentle music somewhere in the house. This story is comfort and happiness and love. Now I want some hot apple cider...

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#Harringrove #Harringrove fic #fic rec #creator spotlight #billy hargrove #steve harrington #billy x steve #steve x billy #Creator appreciation

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