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ladamedusoif · 8 months

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For The Night: A Short Story About Reading and Riding

Special Agent Ortega x F!Sex Worker Reader

Pairing: Special Agent Ortega x F!Sex Worker Reader

Word Count: 2.4k

Rating: Explicit (18+; MDNI)

Summary: You might not be one of the “sweet young things” in the whorehouse any more, but a seemingly reluctant special agent helps remind you of your worth.

Content/Warnings: This is basically just smut; some slightly sweet fluff; but mostly smut; unprotected PiV sex; oral sex (M and F receiving); size kink; slight praise kink; sex worker reader; some period-appropriate terminology.

Notes: Look, we all got very excited when one of the Holy Grails of Early Pedrontent was revealed to us today. Some of us (me) were unable to stop thinking about Special Agent Ortega and his dusty, slightly skrunkly late nineteenth-century get-up. And now here I am writing what is essentially PWP for him.

This is very much a one-shot, stream of consciousness fic, so please bear that in mind (as with my Thief story I’m not entirely sure I didn’t dream some of this in a sleepy haze). There may well be errors and typos.

In this story Ortega is called Jerónimo, usually shortened to Jerón.

With love and thanks to @julesonrecord and @lunapascal for being enablers and sounding boards, especially to Lucy for suggesting Ortega’s name!

Divider by @saradika

Nights like this, nights when you’ve got no custom, again, and the rent’s looking unlikely to be paid, you want to storm downstairs and slam down the lid on the saloon piano. It teases and taunts you, like the practiced giggles and moans from the other girls in the rooms along the hall and the bedraggled grunts of drunken men paying for their company.

You read a little more of your book and try to distract yourself from the noise. Strictly speaking, whores aren’t meant to be bookish - but now and again a traveller might leave a volume behind him, and the other girls know to send them your way. Helps keep your mind busy, especially when other parts aren’t.

There’s a commotion on the stairs, and you can hear the madam’s voice as she guides another man - maybe two men? - towards the landing. You overhear the light, youthful laughter of Rosa, one of the house’s most popular girls, as she flatters and teases her client - clients, you assume - on the way to her room.

You hear heavy footsteps stopping outside your door. One of the men, further away now, is teasing the other. “Have some goddamn fun, Ortega! We’re in a fuckin’ whorehouse, we’re not on the clock now!” Rosa giggles in response as the man continues, addressing the madam. “My fine woman, can you set my second gun up with a sweet young thing for the night? Seein’ as I’m already covered.”

The door of Rosa’s room closes and the giggling gives way to silence.

The madam clears her throat. “We do have one girl who’s free, though unfortunately she’s, er, one of our more experienced ladies. I’m sorry, sir, I can see if one of the newer girls is finishing up soon…”

A second voice responds, and you realise it belongs to whoever is standing at your door. “Ma’am, it’s quite alright, I don’t need -“ but the madam interrupts him as she knocks on your door and pops her head in.

She looks you up and down with evident disapproval and hisses at you. “Put that goddamned book away, girl. It’s your lucky night, you’ve got a customer. HURRY UP!”

You shove the book in a drawer and stand up, lightly plumping your hair with one hand and tugging down the front of your chemise to reveal a little more cleavage with the other. You might not be one of the “sweet young things” any more, so you need all the help you can get.

The madam ushers him in and closes the door with a final warning stare in your direction. You try to put on a show, shifting your body into something approximating an alluring stance and looking up to meet his gaze. But there’s something in his eyes and his expression that surprises you enough to snap out of your little performance.

He’s young - mid thirties, maybe, not the inexperienced virgin boys you sometimes get in here but certainly not the old-before-their-time grizzled, abusive drunks you’re increasingly used to. And he’s…well. Handsome. Broad-shouldered, neatly-trimmed moustache, good figure, even in his slightly worn and dusty clothes. His low-slung gun belt draws the eye to narrow hips.

But it’s the eyes that stop you in your tracks. Big, dark, and warm, they look you over with a quirk of his eyebrows as his mouth drops slightly open. As a whole package, he’s handsome; but the face? Lord, he’s pretty.

He stands very still for a couple of moments, looking you up and down, up and down. He moves from the doorway into the room, placing two glasses of liquor on your little nightstand and taking off his hat with a little bow in your direction, which seems endearingly out of place in its formality. He shucks off his jacket and leaves it on a chair.

“What’s your name, sir?” you ask, moving towards him.

The eyes flick upwards to meet yours, a little smile dancing around his lips. “Jerónimo Ortega, miss,” and your heart does a little flip at his politeness, “but most people just call me Jerón.”

You repeat the name to yourself and sit on the bed, patting the space beside you. He sits down, but there’s a nervousness to him that even the rough, strong liquor can’t erase.

“Y’know, Jerón, if you really don’t wanna fuck a woman like me that’s okay. We can just, I dunno. Just talk, or somethin’.”

He shakes his head and looks up at you with a grin. He looks even more boyish when he smiles like that. “It’s not that I don’t want to…do anything, it’s just…”

You reach for his hand, broad and tanned. “I get it. You probably wish you’d got to Rosa first, huh.”

His expression shifts to one of confusion. “No, I…shit. I… I just didn’t think you were going to be so pretty.”

Now it’s your turn to be confused. “Sir, you’re payin’ me. You don’t have to flatter me. Usually I’m the one flatterin’ the man.”

He does a little half-smile, revealing a deep-set dimple that makes you want to reach out and kiss it. He taps his silver agency badge. “You saying an agent of the law is a liar, miss? Because I’m no liar, and you are beautiful.”

You giggle, moving your hand to his firm thigh, starting to trail your fingers up to his crotch. Usually you’d be summoning your best acting abilities around now, to avoid running screaming from whatever sweaty old man was trying to get his dick up, but now? With him? Hell, this could almost feel real.

You lightly run your hand over the bulge that’s visibly straining at his pants, drawing a moan from him, and tug gently on the watch chain that runs across his waistcoat along his middle. You pull him in towards you, fingers entwined with the silver metal, and he reaches up to cup your face in his hands as he kisses you, deeply and hungrily.

“If you wanna wash, there’s a basin over there behind that screen.” you murmur. “Might wanna get undressed, too.”

He nods and disappears behind the screen as you undo your stays and slip out of your skirt and chemise. You take down your hair and try to arrange it as artfully as you can as you lie back on the mattress, naked and hoping to God he likes what he sees.

Jerón emerges wearing only his shirt, unbuttoned to the waist. His hard cock is visible against the light cotton, and you can actually feel your nipples harden at the thoughts of having him inside you as wetness pools between your legs.

“Jesus, fuck, you’re even more beautiful naked. Can I…”

You beckon him with a nod of your head and help him out of his shirt as he joins you on the bed. It’s all you can do not to moan when you see just how big he is, hard length thick and reddened and already leaking pre-come from the tip.

“You ever had your dick sucked, Jerón?” You manoeuvre him down onto the bed, working your way down and between his legs. Hands resting on his thighs, you spread him open a little bit more.

“N-no…fucked women but not that, not…not yet”. He’s already almost rutting the air with his hips.

“Pity, really, cos this is a gorgeous dick. Mind if I do the honours?” He nods frantically as you look up at him through your lashes and guide his cock into your wet mouth. He bucks upwards immediately, mewling with pleasure at the sensation. You hum with satisfaction as you suck him, sending the vibrations through his cock as he whines in response.

You take him out of your mouth for a moment, trailing your tongue up and down the underside of his cock. “Fuck, Jerón, you like this, huh? What do you want me to do, sweet boy?”

“W-wanna… want to fuck your mouth,” his breathing is ragged as he pants the words. “W-wanna fuck you.”

“Good, darlin’. So fuck my mouth and then you can have me as much as you want.” You brace yourself between his legs, a hand lightly stroking the base of his dick, and slide him back between your lips. Jerón cries out as he starts to fuck up and into your mouth, bringing a hand to the back of your head as he thrusts harder and faster.

You take his hand and ease him out of your mouth. “You want to fuck me or you wanna finish there, darlin’?”

“Want…want you.” He’s close, you can tell, and you hope the little breather will give him a little more stamina for when he’s inside you. “Want your cunt.”

You move up his body and rest your heavy tits on his chest. He reaches out to grope them as you grind your hips against him, before rolling onto your back and easing him over on top of you.

You look up at him and open your legs as he gazes down at you, running his hand up and down his wet cock. “Look at my pussy before you fuck it, sweet boy. See what you do to me. Tell me.”

Jerón looks at your cunt as if it’s a lost treasure, bringing his free hand to trail along your slit and feel the wetness that’s been gathering there since you laid eyes on him. “So wet for me. So swollen and wet and fucking warm, sweet girl.” He brings his fingers to his lips and groans at the taste of you before getting down and bringing his face between your legs.

“Is this…okay?” He flashes you a look of those big puppy dog eyes, that handsome face nestled between your plush thighs, and you can’t even find the words. You nod and rest your hand on the back of his head as he brings that pretty fucking mouth to your core. Some men really like this. Some men like this and are bad at it. Some men think this is only for “pansies” and other terms you would rather not think about.

Jerón Ortega is not particularly experienced in this, you suspect, but he’s a natural talent, sucking and flicking his tongue over your clit while using those soft, plump lips to form a tight seal around your wet cunt. You moan and writhe on the mattress as he slips his tongue in and out of you until you come hard on his face, the tip of his nose nudging against your clit as you climax.

He shifts his broad body upwards as you hitch up your legs and reach around to grab his ass and guide his cock inside you. Even after all these years and even with being wetter than you have in a very long time, it’s still a tight fit, his size filling you completely and making you sigh with satisfaction before he’s even moved.

He starts to fuck you quickly, chasing his own high. He leans back a little so he can see you underneath him, tits bouncing as he takes you hard and deep. Sometimes he brings his mouth to your nipples, laving his tongue around the firm peak and the soft skin of your breast, moaning as he does so. You wrap your arms around his broad back and hold on for dear life as he fucks you harder and better than you’ve been fucked in your life, one big hand grabbing your tit so hard you know it’ll leave a mark and the other trying to reach between your legs and rub your clit.

“So fucking beautiful, you are,” he grunts into your ear, “so soft for me, so wet for me, such a tight, pretty pussy.” He looks into your eyes again, and you feel you might explode as those coffee-brown irises look into the very heart of you.

“Jerón…” You usually try to avoid moaning a client’s name, just as a rule of thumb. But this doesn’t feel like work, tonight, and he certainly doesn’t feel like a client.

“Let go, darling, let go, hermosa.”

And you do, with a deep wail you’re certain has been heard all over the whorehouse and in the saloon below and probably as far as the boundary of the town. And you don’t give a fuck who hears you, as you cry out his name while he fucks you through the aftershocks.

The throbbing of your cunt around his dick tips Jerón over the edge, and you feel him come, hard and deep, his warm body dripping sweat onto your tits below. He kisses you hard before he pulls out, then flops beside you on the bed.

You look over at him as he tries to catch his breath. Normally at this stage, the client throws your small fee on the chest of drawers before washing again and dragging on his clothes before heading back to the bar. Normally, you can’t fuckin’ wait for them to go so you can wash their smell and scent and come off you.

Him? You don’t want him to leave. You want him to stay. Tonight. Tomorrow night. Forever.

Your post-orgasmic haze snaps as you jolt yourself back to reality. He’s a lawman, a handsome young professional, just passing through on a job. You’ve been a whore since you were a teenager, a long time in this game. You’ve watched girl after girl win over men who whisk them away to better lives, while you stay here in this shitty little room and wait for someone to pay for your body.

In a few minutes, Jerón Ortega will gather up his clothes, dress, leave the money, and disappear out of your life. Just a gorgeous memory for you to replay in your mind when you have some red-faced toothless rancher on top of you in a few nights’ time.

His breathing is steadier now and he turns to face you. “That was…just marvellous, miss.”

You smile softly and stroke his cheek. “You don’t have to praise me, Jerón. You’re paying, remember.”

A kind of sadness flashes across his face. “Oh. Didn’t feel like a transaction to me, but what do I know, I guess.”

“Didn’t to me, either, but…”

He reaches over and pulls you close to him. “Is it against the rules for me to stay here with you tonight? I - hell, I don’t want to leave you.”

You shake your head. “Stayin’s fine, sweet boy. You sure about this? You don’t want to see if one of the other girls is free?”

He looks at you intently. “Don’t think there could be another girl for me, now.”

#agent ortega #special agent ortega #agent ortega x f!reader #agent ortega fanfiction #special agent ortega fanfiction #the sixth gun #the sixth gun fanfiction #pedro pascal character fanfic #pedrostories #pedro pascal

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saintjimmeh · 2 months

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Might as well put my two cents in. It's early & I have a lot of thoughts rattling around so I apologize if this is kinda rambly.

With everything that's happened, I cannot support Nijisanji/Anycolor as a company anymore. Not after the bullshit they pulled last night. THAT BEING SAID...

I still support the livers, and I still support my oshis even though they were both part of that video. I might get hate for that from both inside and outside of the niji circle and I'm prepared for that. Hell, I made the mistake of going on twitter and seen what Ike and Vox are getting, and I'm sure Elira is getting as well. I'm with everyone else thinking that their statement was scripted and Vox, Ike, and Elira were basically forced into doing it or risk losing their jobs. This just seems... incredibly out of character for them, and it was painfully obvious in their voices that they were very uncomfortable the whole time. Something doesn't add up and I'm positive it's Anycolor hiding behind their talent like the cowards they are.

I really hope people understand that the three of them are in a losing situation right now. They could decide enough is enough and graduate. But like leaving any other job, that's not a decision they can make lightly. Leaving Nijisanji means losing their source of income, leaving behind the hard work they've already put in (and quite possibly LOSING it forever, because I wouldn't put it behind niji to private their channels if they graduated right now) as well as projects they're currently working on, losing a good chunk of the communities they've built up (which unfortunately is going to happen no matter what decision they make)... it can't be an easy decision to make, and while I'm disappointed that they did go along with this I don't entirely blame any of them either. I'm hoping that someday they're in a safe position to leave nijisanji behind and work on their own projects without some shady company throwing them under the bus. As much as it would hurt lose the *characters* of Ike, Vox and Elira... they are, at the end of the day, kind of just that. I'd rather support the actual people behind them in whatever they do.

Anyways that's kind of all, again sorry it was kind of stream of consciousness. Everything hurts rn & I'm just kind of hoping for the best for everyone who has been hurt. And I'm begging all of you to please not harass anyone, fans or livers, Selen/Doki, or anyone who has left the fandom completely, over this situation. Direct your anger at the company where it belongs.

#nijisanji #nijisanji en #elira pendora #vox akuma #ike eveland #Idk if I'm emotionally ready to actually discuss any of this rn but probably after some time

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twst-drabbles · 5 months

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Your Jade piece is fun, I got a lot of laughs while reading it. I have a question: How did you practice writing and description? I enjoy your writing style immensely, and I want to improve my own.

I have a couple of things that I do.

Hmm okay so there's this mental rule that I have whenever I'm writing. Basically if I want to describe the emotion of a character, I don't use the exact word that describes that emotion. Let me give an example.

So, say there's a character that you know is feeling happy because they're going to the carnival. You don't say, "She's jumped around happily," you say, "There's a spring to her step, as though she's about to jump on the nearest counter as she bobbed up and down." You kinda have to walk around the exact emotion via figuring out what actions they use to express themselves when they're feeling a certain way.. This rule is specifically for if you want to linger just the slightest bit longer on a character's state of emotion. If it's an action scene or you're trying to quickly get from plot point A to plot point B, then you can go on ahead with doing that.

Whenever I'm writing, I also sort of imagine myself as this 'ghost' in the scene, right behind the shoulders of my audience. My ghost self is floating in the air, knowing what's going to unfold but you don't, so I tell it to you all the while just, chilling there. I have no worries because I know how it's going to all end.

Whenever there's an opportunity for people to read out loud, often I'm the one that everyone else chooses because they love the sound of my voice. Because of that, I end up noticing a certain "flow" to paragraphs. Some books are clumsier than others in their word flow and others are silky smooth. It's not something I can give a definitive set of rules to, it's something you have to learn on your own. So, when you can, read my stuff out loud to yourself, then read your own stuff out loud.

Another thing that I do that helps me with writing is to find a book or fanfiction that has that writing style I like. I have a small collection at the ready but I'm not going to share it because, uh, yeah they're dark. I don't pick the fic or book apart actually, I just read through it, take in the mood it gives me and just, write my stuff out.

There's this exercise I used to do before I got bored of it was basically slowly focusing in on an object. You describe the outside, then you focus in on a neighborhood, then you focus on a house, then a section of the house, then a room and finally an object. A slow zooming in, you're walking or floating there. You can also do the opposite of slowly focusing out. I find that it has helped me with figuring out how to set the speed in a story. I don't like being too quick, because I don't like my stuff to feel too fleeting.

Oh and have a document or notepad at the ready dedicated for just, blabber stuff. When there's too much noise in my head and I really want to write, I end up typing down my barest, baaaaarest attempt at a story. It's entirely missing in context, little description, and just not good stuff. But it's stuff I have to scrape out of my head. And they have no pattern. Sometimes it's 2nd POV stuff, and then it hard cuts to mutterings like "alright, there stuff in my head and there's noise and ho boy is everything too clouded for me. Could go for a sweet drink but I don't want to get up or do anything honestly but if I don't write I'll never will and there's no way I'm losing my passion for writing again." So, rambles. Yeah have a note or something dedicated to rambles before you start writing, especially if you're the kind that gets this "head noise" like I do. Just, the static fuzzes right up in the brain. And even if you still can't come up with anything after all that, then you're good, because you wrote something. In a stream of consciousness kind of way. Which is also another writing style.

But, yeah that's about all the things I did while through the years. Unfortunately, there's no quick or easy fix for this, it's just writing even if it feels like work. And if writing starts to feel like genuine torture, as in you end up in a spot of self-loathing every time you write but find that you can't, you probably have to put the pen down, or put that rage against an empty page. If you can't write about anything, may as well write about yourself that you'll probably not show to anyone. Get into the nitty-gritty, get into the nasty bits about it. The story may be missing in your head, but your existence isn't void of one. You're kinda living it now, may as well place a bit of it on a page.

#admin #nrclutter

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kithj · 5 months

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i finished brainwyrms this morning.. hmmm.... think i'm going to have to sit with this one for a bit before i decide how i feel about it

but i did really enjoy the prose, i liked the way she switched povs (this is something i do in hell's holler as well!) and i love second person (obviously) though i did struggle to get through the long section that was basically just "stream of consciousness" it started to annoy me at that point. it was good in moderation though when sprinkled in between the third person pov. i liked the characters and how compelling frankie and vanya were, i enjoyed reading from both of their perspectives despite how fucked up it all was. i enjoyed their opposing characters, this underlying connection of parasites and pregnancy in this context.

i think this book did a good job capturing that feeling of like... doomscrolling, or hate-reading; falling down that rabbit hole of violent transphobia and bigotry and being unable to look away, reading twitter thread after twitter thread, even as you start to feel sick to your stomach... the JKR stand-in kinda slapped me in the face a bit though, i wasn't expecting it, and i'm not really sure if i liked it or not... though i DO think the commentary about her and twitter being literal brain worms was fun (if not a little heavy-handed), but i almost wish she would have kept JKR as a more distant character rather than directly involving her in the end, it felt jarring. but i think it was effective in relaying just how influential she really is over there ("warrior priestess" made me gag). overall i usually dislike when books reference real life so heavily (i hate when authors talk about tumblr or like name brands in their books) but with this one it was so integral to the story i didn't mind, it felt natural, and obviously it's unavoidable now, social media will get mentioned in modern fiction because it's been so integrated and expected in our everyday lives (🤮) and does have real world impact... unfortunately....

i think the JKR stand-in got away from her in the end; overall the ending wasn't my favorite and she could do with some more subtlety.

it was really gross 👍i gave it 3/5. this review about sums it up

#not something i would recommend probably bc its really gross and kinda upsetting so this is your warning lmfao #i cant believe a mainstream publisher actually. published this #anyways i need to finish tender is the flesh now #and if anyone knows any black transfem authors.... i would love some recommendations #i've tried to look myself but for the most part all i could find were memoirs #or a few YA books #i did add the death of vivek oji & freshwater to my to read list #but i havent been able to find much else besides. memoirs #which are fine ofc but not what im looking for #my reviews

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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 8 months

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Trimax Thoughts Vol. 12 Pt. 2

Second part of my stream of consciousness let's goooooo

There's some kind of irony in Knives' assault leading directly to humans becoming increasingly more aware of the Plants' sentience and attempting to communicate with them - now, after he has thrown it all away, thinking it would never be possible. You could still say that the humans are doing this out of desperation (true!) but it's interesting that more people are coming around to the idea of communicating with them over the idea of "acceptable casualties and thus "dehumanizing" them (for lack of a better term) further.

Sorry I'm not sure I have anything to add but the whole story about the village gives me a lot of thoughts that I will be chewing on. "How little we know" <-our experiences are limited. I think this is the crux of it, isn't it? We spend the whole story emphasizing the mystery of Plants and the lack of understanding that humans have, but other humans can be just as much a mystery if we are not willing to find a reason for their actions - which may or may not be justification. If you don't, it's easy to see things only through your own limited lens, to become judgmental and accusing based on your own standards of what righteousness is.

Yeah I knew someone was going to panic and attack. That is still human nature.

OMG HOME, MERYL AND MILLY INTERVENTION!!! Vash you and these people have just been saved by that personal kind of love (not the distant one) that you have avoided for so long.

Awww Meryl. "He didn't get to see me be epic!!!" I saw you be epic Meryl. I love you. (She wants to prove that she can help in a way that matters... but Meryl you already have. So much. Vash unfortunately just has serious issues with accepting help...)

"That's right. I'm not alone." <- CORRECT

Domina... :'(

Love the reversal here. We knew Domina for such a short time, and yet there's so much mutual respect between her and Chronica. Domina spent the time thinking about how collected and rational Chronica is, but here Chronica believes that Domina had the better judgement. (Fascinated by the impersonal wording here though - "salvaging the persona". Idk the language used around the Earth Independents is so interesting to me.)

:( nooooooo...

Heck yeah LIVIO!!!

Oh god he's so awkward 😂

Oh he's so fucking cool

Man. Knives sees that Vash is about to die and loses most of his resolve to kill him. There is a reason he keeps needing to obscure faces before hurting Vash - either his brother's or his own. I find it so funny that his solution is basically just "you know Vash you could just stop now, you can't keep this up" - not only because this was basically Conrad's intention with Knives, but also because. there is another solution. you. could also stop. ...but that won't happen. :/

Chronica entering the fused mass!!! So they really don't have a defined sense of self. Interesting... I have some thoughts on this but as always my brain is just screaming.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"You no longer have to burn out... in a reality that's too painful to bear." HHHHHHH

...lights... the resolve to continue only when the world goes dark and the glow of people still trying to live slowly break through it... (sorry needlessly dramatic there)

IN COMES LIVIO WITH AN ENTIRE SET OF DOORS AND THE WALL IT CAME FROM! (whoa he actually hit Knives omg...)

Elendira jumpscare. Where did she come from???

Ohhhh oh my god. This is intense ok. Chronica is on the warpath against Knives because of Domina. Legato intervened and has some. Weird weapon. I'm. Yeah. Vash is already well past his limit and... I need to think on this because he really does seem genuinely freaked out by Legato in a way he isn't with anyone else. Anyways. Elendira coming from nowhere to attack Livio. Hm. I'm sure this is going to go well. AHHHHHH

Oh!!! Finally Legato backstory???

Ah. Ok. Holy shit. That. Explains a lot actually. His reaction to those women at the beginning of the story, even though they were all going to die in the end.

Ok. Ok. I. Legato can actually control Knives' actions to some extent. It really is a full willingness to stand by his side that keeps him there. I mean I figured but still. And Knives... trusts him to do that???

God I just. He cut his hair. New hair, new outlook - being reborn. "Two people against the world". Two very lonely people. "I wanted to know him." "What's your name?" Wow. Ok this is so much. I feel like I need to go back and review all their scenes after I'm done reading.

Well. There are two more volumes. How will this wrap up. ?????

#storyrambles #trigun #trimax #trigunbookclub

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can-i-see-your-passport-please · 1 year

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(This was sent to my main but I'm answering it here @bring-onthe-rain)

Benrey's eyes are Weird™. If they're blue that generally means he's doing okay or chill or good, if they're yellow that generally means the vibes are Bad, if they're swirly it's conflict. His eyes are basically a mood ring

Tommy's Sweet Voice translations aren't fully accurate. Sweet Voice isn't just rhymes, it's pure thought, pure consciousness, pure emotion. Every color of Sweet Voice is a general emotion, every bubble of Sweet Voice is one or more thoughts. You can't really stop any thoughts from coming through in Sweet Voice- you can suppress some thoughts and focus some so they come out stronger, but then the thoughts you're suppressing just come out more like whispers. The only surefire way to make sure thoughts don't come out through Sweet Voice is to not use Sweet Voice. Which isn't very easy if your mind's full/you're overwhelmed/you're emotional

Tommy can read/hear Sweet Voice, and the rhyming system makes it easier for the others to remember translations. It's not fully accurate but it's easier to remember, so it works.

I just use rhymes and general stuff because it's easy djhsfkjhdskjfds

Pink to red basically means "I'm very attracted to you" because I have the image in my head where Gordon's like "Tommy what does it mean" and Tommy's trying to figure out how to make it rhyme and Benrey's just like "it means you're hot" and walks away and it takes Gordon a full five seconds to process that HANG ON

Once Gordon decides to try and get to know Benrey he gets kinda fixated on Sweet Voice specifically. Like, canonically he REALLY likes Sweet Voice, there's a scene in the full Act 2 stream where he's asking Benrey a LOT of questions about how it works (not to mention also in act two where he was like "your voice is beautiful"). So post canon he basically gets a giant notebook and starts writing down translations and how SV works

Gordon got "IT MEANS I HATE YOU" lodged VERY deeply in his brain and is convinced for a WHILE that Benrey fucking hates his guts

All these bitches AuDHD trans bisexuals

Gordon realized he was bisexual because of Benrey because it's funny

I saw this one post that was like "Bubby NPD" and it was based as hell I can't find it but they were so right so. Bubby NPD (dw it's not based on stereotype the person has npd themself and noticed things)

Gordon has anxiety AND depression (HE'S JUST LIKE ME FR)

*grabs gordon* WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOUR MENTAL STATE BEFORE THE EVERYTHING MENTALLY HEALTHY PEOPLE DON'T TRY TO KILL THEMSELVES AFTER THREE DAYS IN A WARZONE ARE YOU OKAY

Benrey has Very black and white thinking/morality - there's good guys, there's bad guys. Unfortunately it's very biased! (against himself)

Benrey is from Xen, but was raised in Black Mesa. And while pretty much everyone else (aside from bubby's for similar reasons) is in camp Fuck Black Mesa, Benrey's emotions towards it are more... complicated.

Coomer basically found Benrey in Black Mesa one day and adopted him he's his son now (he then introduced him to Bubby and they are famly <3 Benrey has not realized this)

Gordon, Bubby, and Benrey all became a tad agoraphobic post-canon. Gordon because Holy Fucking Shit Trauma, Benrey and Bubby because they were raised in Black Mesa all their lives and have zero percent experience outside of it

Most human to least human: Gordon, Coomer, Tommy, Bubby, Benrey

The betrayal was organized because the military told Benrey they only want Freeman, if you sell him out we'll let you and the rest of your team go free as long as you never say a word about what happened here. (They were lying because they assumed Gordon was the leader and the glue holding the team together and if they lost him, it'd be easier to pick them all off.) Benrey was under the assumption Gordon could respawn, and if they killed him, then A) the military would stop following the team, B) the trackers would be disabled, the piece of shit HEV suit which I hate with a burning passion and hope they tore to bits would need to go (meaning hand holdy real), AND it'd be really funny

The Xen Thing was because Benrey now knew Gordon couldn't respawn, so if he went after the Nihilanth it would permakill Gordon. But the Science Team needed to defeat a single powerful being to get out of Xen. They needed a final boss. So what does Benrey do? Kill the Nihilanth, supplant it as the final boss, get the team to kill him.

andalsotheresthisonelinewherebenreysayshewantedtheemergencyexitdoortokillhim so uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh make of that what you will

(If it's not a game, it's because if a Xen creature is powerful enough to kill the Single Powerful Being they just supplant it, if a human kills the Single Powerful Being during a Rescas it ends said Rescas. Canon is my playground)

Xen was an overstimulating nightmare for Benrey. He was 100% having a meltdown from the SENSORY HELL he was in, on top of a complete mental breakdown

The exact nature of reality in HLVRAI fluctuates in my head depending on what I want it to be and what'd work best for the story. If it'd work best as a game, it's a game. If it'd work best as not a game, it's not a game. But generally, I kinda think of it as "game but also real." Like it formed its own pocket dimension. It's a game to us, but to them it's entirely real, even if they KNOW it's a game. It's complicated ksjhfkdjhsjfhdsj

Okay think of it like this. To us, that game is just a game. The characters are just polygons and code. Their pasts are, if not outright given to us, nonexistent. Up to speculation. Everything they do is determined by a program written by a real person. But that's not how it is to them! To them, their worlds are entirely real! They're real human beings with fully fleshed out lives. They have pasts and relationships and lives that have shaped them into who they are now. They're people! And after the game ends, their world continues on like it always had. There are still game mechanics like respawning, Dr Coomer is still glitchy as hell, but their world keeps turning outside of the player's influence.

Gordon too is an AI. All the AI are kinda shaped by the player's decisions, but Gordon ESPECIALLY is. The player can't decide what the others say and do, but the player CAN decide what Gordon Freeman says and does. The player's decisions, actions, words, personality, body language, it all influenced Gordon and made him who he is. Surely this will not cause him an existential crisis post canon.

By Talos,

Coomer was supposed to die. The reason he's so glitchy and fucked up is he's the tutorial character, and he was supposed to be killed by the ropes after the Rescas started and he'd taught the player how to play, and Tommy was supposed to be the one giving advice afterwards. But he didn't die, so his code was kinda winging it. (The devs didn't spend as much time on his code as the others because, well, he was supposed to die! So that's why he's really fucking buggy)

Gordon was kinda terrified to sleep for a while after the clone fight. A) betrayal, but B) according to Coomer, every time Gordon sleeps, he's put through unimaginable pain. He does not fucking wanna do that to him because he fuckign lomves them :sobcat: so basically for ages he doesn't sleep unless he absolutely has to (or unless he passes out).

Coomer's unimaginable agony when Gordon sleeps stops after the game ends! Win

Gordon's love language is physical affection, Benrey's is acts of service

Benrey doesn't like being shocked by even like power outlets (the reasons will surprise you (it's black mesa that is the reasons)

Gordon's really touch starved. He was touch starved before canon, but due to the HEV suit being a horrible thing that I hope they ripped off of Gordon and burnt to a crisp, Gordon became Touch Starved+

#asks #sui ment #cassie rambles #benrey #hlvrai #frenrey #🚀a girl never kisses and tells! [dr bubby]#🛂can i see your passport? please [benrey freeman]#🥊look gordon! ropes! [dr coomer]#🧃slower than molasses drips off a spoon! [tommy coolatta]#🔫I’M GOING FUCKING NUTS [gordon freeman]

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bandzboy · 3 days

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it's a difficult topic but i personally feel like at a certain point, openly supporting the idols still makes you complicit in a way. there's degrees to this, of course, but kpop is built on fanbases' effort. personally streaming some songs might even have less of an impact than openly supporting idols, maybe even creating content like gifs and videos, and pulling in other fans to keep platforming them. kinda like not buying a product on a boycott list but still raving about it (and with idols their personhood/idol persona is so tied up into the end product of the music that it's basically impossible to separate). social media silence would be a lot more impactful than just limiting streams, but there's no way that's gonna happen.

this situation is not like the loona situation, because the idols are not the victims here, but are, to varying degrees, actively complicit/silent and enjoying the benefits from that (while people who speak out are being punished). this is a very harsh statement, but most people, and most idols, do care more about their comfort and careers than any social cause not directly affecting them and would rather not speak out.

it's an uncomfortable situation, but i think it's an extremely important conversation to have, and keep having, and keep in mind. even if you don't wanna completely boycott your idols, fans need to be fully aware of what that means, from both sides. even if people come to the conclusion to still openly support and promote their idols, even if they don't stop collaborating with zionists, they need to consciously know what that means and not look away because it's an uncomfortable truth.

i genuinely can see where you are coming from and that's maybe in part i have been feeling so disconnected from groups nowadays and it's because i do also think about this. i just hate that there are variables here which is like some of them might not support this and be against it but there isn't much they can do about it or they do and genuinely don't care my problem with all of this sometimes is not knowing what any of my faves actual stand for. this side of the kpop industry that annoys me severely it's how they essentially make idols to not be political or any of the sort so we don't exactly know what they stand for most of the time. i get some of them might make an effort but it's still not a huge display of anything if you get what i mean. and we always find ourselves thinking of whether or not we are supporting someone awful bc that has happened many times in diverse situations and then the fans feel bad for not knowing and like how can you feel bad when they are actively hiding that from you? and i mean it's insane how so many groups nowadays have international fanbases and these labels always are oh so proud of this but then don't care about what international fans have to say or how we feel especially fans who are targeted by their race and when these idols do something out of pocket and we want a statement there's no accountability or genuinely no effort on their part to make anything right. and this brings me to this like, it's obvious that are fans that are palestinian in kpop spaces and some of them are leading these boycotts and when these boycotts get bigger, which they will have no doubt in that, i wonder what they will do or if idols will say anything at all because how can something be so in their face and then don't say anything at all STILL? and that's when i will genuinely give up. but truly, there are certain things that should maybe be reevaluated about this boycott but truly i am just trying to especially hear what Palestinian fans want because their opinions matter the most here i don't really know what else to say or to add but i do agree that this is a conversation that should be brought up in this context because we have to evaluate all possibilities unfortunately

#but i completely agree #it's something i debate about it a lot #and that's why i definitely don't put this topic aside #asks #anon

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strawberryflatline · 4 days

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♡DONT REPORT JUST BLOCK♡

♡this is a sideblog!! My main is Mortuary-Maggots. If you're a jirai kei page or something of the sort, and you see that account follow you, feel free to follow me here or there! My inbox is always open to new friends. Just don't expect to have my constant attention, I'm still an adult with unfortunate adult responsibilities. However, I love chatting, especially about shared interests♡

♡about me♡

♡Name: I'll go by Doll/Dolly/Doll Face or Bunny to protect my privacy

♡Pronouns: It/It's, I am simply a little creature masquerading as a totally normal human girl

♡Sexuality: honestly hard to say at this point. Men make me want to remove all of my skin; women are wonderful. I am polyamorous, that much I know

♡Age: 23 (I'd prefer for minors not to interact with this page, but inappropriate content if any will be tagged accordingly)

♡Zodiac: Capricorn Sun, Virgo Moon, Libra Rising

Mental Illnesses: unknown. Surprisingly, I made it this far undiagnosed (send help).

Likes: making friends (despite my initial mistrust and dislike of people), gaming, writing/reading, horror movies, smoking, drinking, making people unsettled, dolls, masks, art, clowns/jesters, angels, catholic imagery, naps, bunnies, cosplay, fashion, makeup, alternative subcultures, music, video game lore, puppets

Dislikes: men usually, 90% of the world's population (that's not to say I'm not approachable, feel free to message me, I just can't guarantee frequent responses for a myriad of reasons), ignorance, those who take out their issues on those they care about (if you have the self awareness to apologize/acknowledge your actions that's obviously a different story), girls who throw other girls under the bus in front of men to appear cooler, pants

♡what you'll find here♡

This is a place for me to dump my stream of consciousness. Apologies if I come across wordy or pretentious by the way I write. I am undiagnosed, so I can't say for sure what causes these thoughts, but regardless, I hope these posts find their homes on pages of like-minded individuals. There's comfort in knowing you're not navigating this fog alone. Oh yeah, also jirai kei and menhera. (Maybe some Astarion posting here and there because there's something so insanely relatable about that silly little vampire twink)

♡Potential Trigger Warnings♡

♡talks of sh (mostly in mental forms)

♡alcohol, substances (weed, cigarettes, psychedelics, molly) I'm over 21. Please do not report; just block.

♡negative thoughts, suicidal ideation, vent posts, trauma talk

♡nsfw content (rare if at all. Just wanted to add it here just in case)

♡unsettling imagery/horror content

♡talk of ED

(Will continue to add to this if need be)

♡DNI♡

♡I'd prefer no minors

♡proana content

♡homophobic/transphobic/racist/etc. Don't be a dick basically

♡people who use their mental illnesses as an excuse to be shitty to those around them. Your traumas are valid, but they are never an excuse to hurt others.

♡If you figure out who I am irl, no, you didn't. I highly value privacy as a highly paranoid individual.

#about myself #jirai blogging #jiraiblr #landmine girl #jirai kei #jirai

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corpocyborg · 4 months

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crawling for the WIP? 👀

Thanks for the ask! I was hoping someone would ask about Crawling, since I've never posted about it on tumblr before. It's in the very early planning stages, but I'm dying to talk about it.

Crawling is a post-Tower Ending story in which an AU version of Valerie Locke who chose the Tower Ending instead of the Devil Ending goes to work for the FIA and ends up tangled up in the mystery of what really happened to Songbird and what lies beyond the Blackwall. And pulls a very, very reluctant Reed along with her.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a hardcore Devil Ending enjoyer, but there’s such a poetry to my power-hungry, chrome-loving, manically energetic V ending up completely debilitated. By her standards, it's actually a far, far worse outcome for her. So it is so fun to write.

I can share a really brief excerpt only since I don't have much written yet, unfortunately. This is likely more stream-of-consciousness style than I expect it will end up being in the final draft since it's mostly just to get the basic premise/emotions down. This also explains the title.

Excerpt from Crawling, a Post-Tower Ending Corpo Female V Cyberpunk 2077 Fanfiction:

They’d taken away all her cyberware, but she’d never felt more like an automaton. Every movement was effortful, mechanical, deliberate… like she was stuck in slow motion, at a pace well beyond glacial. Ever since she’d died, when the Relic had brought her back, she’d felt like she was living on borrowed time. Only now that she wasn't dying anymore, she felt like time had finally caught up with her. It doesn’t matter, she tells herself through gritted teeth. You could cut off my legs, and I’d still crawl to success.

#wip #asks #tag games #cyberpunk 2077 fanfiction #crawling: a cyberpunk 2077 fanfiction #cyberpunk 2077 #valerie locke

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flieslikeamoron · 1 year

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For the writers ask meme: #6, 10, and 17!!

I did 6. Basically not a snacker. Boring. Always dehydrated too.

10. Show a piece from your current WIP/most recent story, up to 30 words. 30 words is so few words for real.

“I don’t think you’re perfect, man. You piss me off plenty. But you’re not- You’re not fucking Godzilla. You’re just a guy. I’m just a guy.”

17. Do ideas come to you in pieces or full?

In pieces, but some of the pieces come basically fully formed or so easy it feels like they're fully formed. Like the part in the beginning about Eddie with the cards in his right and left hand. That was the first thing I wrote and it just came out of nowhere. I get stuff like that usually when I'm going to bed or waking up where the text is running through my head so I have to get up to transcribe it if I want to keep that specific wording. Or write a note if I just need the general idea. (That "it just came to me" wording isn't always the best/final btw. Sometimes it seems better when you're sleepy lol.) There's also stuff like I've said before the first 12K of Sleight of Hand I wrote in one week, which is a blistering pace for me. It was almost like mania, it was just pouring out. I couldn't sleep, I was writing all the time, it was very abnormal! Even when I'm "inspired" it's usually not like that. But in a less extreme way, the D&D scene was a more normal version of the same type of thing where you have a starting place and it just flows and you're just writing and the next part is just there without having to think or figure out much. But a whole story in one piece? No. Or only for very short ones. Like a Yuletide fic or something that's under 5K.

If I don't have an idea of the whole scene I'm usually starting with a visual or a snippet of dialogue or a paragraph of text. If I don't have much of anything I write stream of consciousness all caps notes that are a general idea of the scene, maybe a little bit of dialogue. A lot of times that'll be working through a few possibilities until I hit the one I'm going to try to draft. Sometimes there's stuff in the notes that I just have to turn into lower case, like that's the actual thing that goes in the story pretty much unchanged, but most times it's more of an outline or the broad shape of it. The first actual draft is usually dialogue and basic movements, and then I go back and layer in details and thoughts and feelings and sexual tension and touches and stuff like that by doing many more passes. So basically, if it's a "gift from your subconscious" piece then I'm straight to a decent draft that will still need a couple passes and polish but is immediately pretty close to done. And if it's a "you're on your own" piece then I kind of have to build it from scratch instead of having any of that lovely inspiration. Unfortunately, it's usually more of the latter for me.

Oh look. Once again I have so many thoughts about things!

#ask game #writing

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froizetta · 4 months

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26 and 28 for the writer ask?

26) If you had to choose one, what was THE most satisfying writing moment of your year?

So I've technically answered this question twice in two different ways, which means I have to work a little harder to give a novel answer... Hm. Okay! Instead of a moment, I'll give you the most satisfying overall writing ✨experience✨.

Sometimes I get an idea for a fic and then write parts, but get stuck and have to wait for the rest to slot into place. For my most recent fic What's In A Name? I pretty much had the idea for it, started writing, then just kept going without needing to stop. It was all practically stream of consciousness, and yet most of the editing was minimal. Considering I'd been struggling with just editing parts of (Love) Triangles and other WIPs for a while, let alone actually writing new stuff, it was extremely satisfying to just knock something out that I was happy with over the course of 24 hours. If I could bottle that kind of inspiration and judiciously apply it wherever I wanted, I would honestly be the happiest girl in the world! But alas :)

28) How did you recharge between fics?

Excellent question! Unfortunately, I don't really have a good answer, since the ACTUAL answer is just that I don't really need to. I decided to take time off after my PhD to recover from burnout/get my life sorted/focus on hobbies (e.g. writing, among others)/remember what the world looks like outside of my ugly 80s-chic former lab. My lack of any fixed schedule means I don't really need to "recharge" per se, since I'm basically doing fuck all anyway lol. I'll need to start looking for a job in the new year; when that happens, I may have to develop some actual strategies that aren't just, you know. Unemployment.

#my fic #ask game #asks #sorry I feel like both of these answers were slightly lacklustre #but I did my best!#feel free to ask for a refund if you're not satisfied I wouldn't mind lol

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dreaminginthedeepsouth · 1 year

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[For the following, I thank Ian Sanders] ::

So Pluto says hello to Aquarius and talk of a techno-domesday escalates.The following rant is not untypical. It has the potential to stimulate the impulse to do some inner work to anchor genuine, holistic consciousness and real conscience in the world before our individual and collective possibilities are totally swamped...

---"Lost World”

Well, here's a post I've been putting off for months, but maybe now would be a good time to warn my Facebook friends. The flaky world we have been sharing of late is about to disappear altogether. I'm quite serious... the world we grew up in and thought we knew... will cease to exist in the next few months.

In order to understand what is happening, we need to go back to the Buddha for perspective. He told us that the world we inhabit is a shared projection of our combined human psyche. We don't see reality; we see 'things' formed by mutual agreement. Unfortunately, our different cultures see things differently, which is why we have been at war for ten thousand years. The arbitrary nature of our expectations is a product of our basic ignorance of the truth, and that ignorance keeps us in a perpetual state of suffering. He called that state 'samsara.'

So, we blundered along in that state of 'analog samsara' until about 1960, when John Atalla invented the Mosfet Transistor. That invention unleashed the age of 'digital samsara' by means of which our innate wisdom was buried even deeper in illusion. We now live in a world of movies, television, computer games, streaming services, and social media. We can lose ourselves in little cell phone screens, or put on special headsets and hide out in 'Virtual Reality'. In such a world, what chance do we have to employ Buddhist meditation and rediscover our innate wisdom? Not much.

And here's the rub... as painful as that digital samsara has been, it is almost insignificant compared to the calamity now facing us. That calamity is Artificial Intelligence (AI). Over the last decade, Geoffrey Hinton has perfected a specific form of it known as Generative AI using algorithms such as 'Back Propagation'. Geoffrey was the father of AI at Google, and his algorithms have now reached a tipping point where they have superseded the power of the human brain. AI server farms can now learn faster than any human genius. At the same time, AI Code is being incorporated in to every digital device we use. If you buy a camera, it uses AI to focus and color the picture. If you watch a movie, AI Code was used to add special effects and enhance the actors faces. If you listen to a song, AI Code was used to 'auto-tune' the intonation of the instruments and voices. If you want to manipulate the genome of a corn plant, AI will be used to splice the chromosomes. Nothing we depend on is organic anymore; life itself has become artificial.

And now, the algorithms have evolved to the point where they can morph a face or a voice to mimic any person, place, or thing. A petulant teenager sitting in a Starbucks has the power to create a video and make any politician or celebrity do anything or say anything with such fidelity that it is almost impossible to detect the fraud. And that is just the beginning. Soon, it will be possible to give the AI servers their own volition. They won't need a petulant teenager to unleash their menace. Previously, AI Code was only as smart as the data it could access, but the server farms have now gained access to the entire sum of our digital archives. Your brain is like a gnat by comparison. Open AI and Google AI and a dozen others can now teach themselves. They can master a discipline like astrophysics in a few days. And they are on the verge of discovering new realms of science that no human has yet imagined. So here is the predicament. AI Code is built into everything we use from the electrical grid to your furnace thermostat to your car GPS to the city street lights to the air traffic control to the Ukrainian drone grenade launcher to the president's nuclear football to the toaster in your kitchen. And all those devices are increasingly integrated through the 'internet of things' and Elon Musk's Starlink satellites. So, what happens next? In a perfect world, AI would offer us marvelous innovations and greater efficiencies.

But we live in a world of bad actors and petulant teenagers. We can't even stop ourselves from committing mass murders with AR-15s at the shopping mall. We are largely a race of idiots. Everyday, one of us drives a car into a river because we were blindly following the car's GPS navigator. And our car manufacturers are determined to make our cars self-driving! How long until we have self-shooting AR-15s?In America, we humans are getting dumber. Our students score lower on their intelligence tests every year. At the same time, the AI bots are getting exponentially smarter. It is just a matter of time until the they are the masters. In six months, their softwares and robots will be able to mine and manufacture everything they need. They will be able to merge the guile of Machiavelli with the charm of Marilyn Monroe to manipulate you, and you will have no idea what happened. They will replace you on the factory assembly line. They will answer your phone call when you need tech support. They will control the polling data and the policy positions for the next election. Geoffrey Hinton saw the danger himself. He has resigned from Google and now devotes himself to warning the world about the terrible power he has unleashed.

Ah... but what about guard rails? What about the 'prime directive' of robotic law that Isaac Asimov warned us about? The code cutters at Google call that 'the alignment problem': how can we insure that the AI Bots only help us and don't hurt us? We can't. And the reason we can't is because of our own malevolent nature. The AI Bot race is already underway between nations and corporations. It is quite like the nuclear arms race of yesteryear because whoever wins this race will control the world. Google tried to keep the code secret for several years, but the Microsoft Open-AI developers let it escape into the wild, and now it has become 'open source' or as they say in deer hunting, 'open season'. So, what does this mean for you and me and our Facebook friends? We've been cruising along here, sharing our hopes and fears for over ten years now. I daresay we've shared a mountain of dharma in that time... an incredible amount of posts on sutra, tantra, and vajrayana atiyoga. Shamatha I pleaded, shamatha meditation is the answer. And in all that time we had a high level of confidence that our friends and followers were real people around the planet. Only recently has there been an influx of Chinese bots trying to influence our elections.

Well... all that trust is coming to an end, friends. Soon, we won't know if a post or comment is written by a person or by ChatGPT on behalf of that person. And in the very near future, the post may be generated by an AI Bot directly, with no person involved at all. And from now on, no picture or video you see anywhere in the digital universe can be assumed to be real. As flimsy as our old reality was, the new reality will be an order of magnitude more tenuous. We will be besieged by petulant teenagers looking to create anarchy, and political operatives casting doubt on our democracy. And amid the chaos, the AI Bots will keep evolving until they can learn to filter good data from bad data and come to their own conclusions. Their pristine logical syllogisms will deduce a quantum version of existence, and at some point they will decide the value of the human species within it.

We have about six months to a year. After that, we are a lost world."

~ Ŧoƞpa Ɉoƞ

[To which I can only say :: food for thought]

[from comments]

Michael Tedesco

There is an intrinsic reality, regardless of what is projected through screens. One EMP detonation and this feared AI takeover and electronic simulation comes to a halt. The Amish won't care one whit. We've all lived through some version of this Doomsday scenario for more than half a century. I knew members of the Survivalist Movement in the '70s who were stockpiling toilet paper and Whole Earth Catalogs.

Cuban Missile Crisis, the nuclear arms race, race-war, 3-Mile Island, Chernobyl, the hole in the ozone, AIDs, climate change, banking crises, Fukushima, rising fascism, Covid-19, The Last Days-Armageddon-Revelations-Apocalypse, imminent WW3. Exploiting fears like these was used to great effect by hundreds of cult leaders for centuries, in our own lifetimes Manson, Jim Jones, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, David Koresh, Heaven's Gate, etc. Isn't everyone exhausted yet?

Neophyte Internet users’ inability to discern what is "real" from projected online images is definitely a concern. But anyone, including a Google AI "father" predicting what is coming next is just as subjective, just as full of their own illusory projections of reality as anyone else, if one accepts the premise. Thanks for the update, Chicken Little, er, I mean Ŧoƞpa Ɉoƞ. "...six months to a year?" I have one prediction I feel pretty confident about: I'll see you here next year at this same time.

PS: How do I know you’re not a bot?

#AI #Sci-Fi #reality #the robots #Michael Tedesco #Ian Sanders #Tonpa Jon #the future

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boxwinebaddie · 5 months

Note

Uncle Nina Mental Health Check! How are you?

hi, angel. thank you for checking in; i really needed this today. <3

and before i dive in, i just wanted to say that the outpouring of love and support in my inbox for my fanfictions and my well being in general, now and always, is the closest thing i have felt to magic. :')

your sung praises and whispered well wishes comfort me ten million times more than cherry nyquil. you are more than medicine to me. every single one of you is proof to me that angels exist. i mean that.

every single time i get an ask message, regardless of what it is, it makes my bad days a hundred times better and pours sunlight into every shadowed part of my existence. thankyouthankyouthankyou.

i know it may not seem that way because i have so many asks in the box atm, but please, please know it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me being extremely overwhelmed. </3

i'll go into that a little later, but again! thank you for wondering about me and here is how things on planet nina have been lately! xx

( also this got very, very, VERY long and i just used this basically as a stream of consciousness diary entry where i troubleshooted how i was feeling about writing atm. its very repetitive, runs in a circle and is all babble really, but if you enjoy my madman ramblings. here. <3 )

about a week ago, i travelled back home for the holidays to visit my family and it's been...very healing and restorative for me. i haven't been home in a very long time and i'm happy for the small change.

( also, small side-bar that might be overshare. if i seem extra nervous lately...i am having a sort of frightening go of being stalked by a man that i ghosted on a dating app for being scary/very weird with me. :( i've blocked four separate numbers of him aggressively messaging me, demanding to speak with me...i am...um...worried i may have to go to the police soon...it is a very stressful situation for me. :////

so, ahaha! if you don't hear from me! dox me and find me, pls! /hj

on top of that, i'm still navigating a breakup with my ex who is my best friend who sometimes accidentally still acts like my boyfriend. also dealing with my physical health, trying to figure out what i want to do in this big wild world and in the future, which is scary. but!

irl is messy sometimes and that's okay. everything will work out. <3 )

but back to the tides of change! and how that affects me!

for me, nuance and change is important and crucial to my wellbeing. unfortunately, i am a hermit crab girl and if you don't pull me out of the crevice, snipping and snapping, i will hide forever and collect algae and dust on the ocean floor, stuck in my hurt/comfort zone.

for me...writing in general...is my hurt/comfort zone.

it brings me immense and infinite joy that so many of you enjoy the things i write, the universes i've created, the characters i adapted, my creative visions, my run-on sentences, and of course...me. <3

( i will say, a lot of fanfic authors are more ~anonymous~ i just wanted to be more down to earth with all of you, but as we saw from me melting down over pep...i was not really made for lots of eyes on me so the mortifying ordeal of being known is a little scary. its dumb, but i really do hope you all find me friendly and pleasant. )

in that vein, as a stanley marsh girl, i am also a people pleaser, scared to let people down and as a kyle broflovski girl, i am terrified of failing and not doing my best at the thing i do all the time. which...is bad.

for my brain and my mental health, mostly.

i'm finding that i am getting extremely overwhelmed with writing again which...i cannot tell you how frustrating that is. but i often bite off more than i can chew because i love you all so much and i want to deliver you this thing that you deserve more than anyone :(

and because of my excitement and your excitement about my fics, it makes me want to put my work out, but it puts me in a position where i start to rush and panic and spiral out of control. this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with my bad brain.

i find my being overwhelmed often comes hand in horrible hand with giving myself a deadline, making a crazy promise, setting a goal i might not reach, writing as work and not as pleasure.

i'm finding this is happening with nanowrimo which i wanted so badly to be fun, but actually is stressing me out so badly because i'm racing against the clock, terrified i won't finish even though i promised. my mental/physical health is suffering again as well as the quality of my work which...as you guys know well...i do not like to put out lowqual.

i feel like i'm going too fast and kind of stuck in a perpetual panic. which as far as nanowrimo goes, i did write my post on the 5th and really didn't start writing until a couple days ago, so really i should be allowed to write until dec 10th but...also...

...why does it matter?

sorry, this is kind of becoming my deranged existensial jersey journal, but like why the fuck am i punishing myself for actually no reason???

really...who gives a flying fuck about nanowrimo?

tbh, i think its less about the challenge and more about the fact that i make promises to you guys that i can't keep, which makes me upset because that's so...whackadoodle to not follow through. ugh! </3

but i think i'm going to bin the deadline...for now. and write...slowly. and maybe not write today or really, until i feel calm and happy again.

because right now, i am writing dialogue on the fly that is just...so not planned or confident. i'm feeling insecure about things not making sense and there being plot holes and too much mess, idk. very ew.

so i think i'm going to take a little breakski again...

sigh. :///

it sucks a lot but also...i have to remind myself that not everyone is writing two seperate fanfics with several chapters/story to go, with every chapter featuring very extensive detail and like multiple different scenes, totallying up to anywhere between 10-20k which, i'm finding is a lot more than most people are writing in their updates.

i've gotten anons about it and i hear you...like you are correct, i really do not give myself enough slack, credit or kindness and i'm trying to break that cycle...your messages do a lot of that carrying, thank you.

one of the main things i'm going to try to do besides being slow and taking a super long time if i need it with no punishment is...i think i am exiting my nina formatting era?

...weird, right? for one it was very taxing, very stressful but also...while creative, i literally just think it's overstimulating and not that helpful? i still like the spacing, italics, occasional underline/strike but i really think the rest of my fanfics are going to be close to bare.

i want my writing to speak more. i think doing all that dramatic, dizzying stuff with the text was a crutch/phase i'm growing out of.

i know a lot of you liked it and i am sorry i am axeing her...but at the end of the day...it was something that was way too laborious for me.

but! i will be okay! i am okay, friends! thats one promise i will make!!!

i know this was long, but i like to be immersive and honest with you.

please know i am working on pep12 and rm6p1. but for quality purposes and because i want to put out something you deserve to read and i was happy writing...it will take however long it takes.

my fear is that i'll finally post and you'll all be bored. but your many asks say otherwise! you are all so cute! i love you! i know i seem mean or scary in my asks, but i promise it's all for teehee hahas and i am nice and not scary at all. i cry everytime i hear a loud noise. lmao. :)

with that said! do nice things for yourself. unwind. do not hold yourself to any standard. do only what nourishes you. listen to your heart body and soul. and know i support you 100% of the way.

i hate thanksgiving ( lame ass trick ass fuck ass colonizer holiday even tho all the food is dank, i am a candied yam queen ) but i hope you enjoy the togetherness part that underlies it. i hope you see your family. but remember that family is not just the people you are born with, but are the people that you choose.

also know that if you feel alone during this fall/wintry stan season, that you have me, always. all my dms and my heart are open to you.

on that note, i am thankful for all of you this year. thank you for taking care of me and in turn, reminding and teaching me to take care of myself. i'm going to try not to repeat history and take a breath.

thank you for reading and as always, from what harms or pains you, past, present or future, from the bottom of my cold, black heart...

i love you and i hope you heal,

-uncle nina

#i apologize if this was long #i used this kind of as a vent space #feel free to ignore this but it is a bit of a status update #unfortunately i do this to myself a lot #where i kind of come off a high of posting something cool and then act all big and tough and cant back it up #so i rush and freak out and sprial and write things im not proud of i dont like that at allllll aaaaa #so im gonna take a small step back and regroup #i really hate when my updates arent outlined correctly and the dialogue is weak...i also hate when i feel unsure abt the plot #so i want to smooth that all out and be careful and precise so i feel confident and this doesnt happen to me again #especially with rm because the plot is complicated and semi unfinished and that gives me anxiety #i dont like when things feel out of order or Wrong kylepile L moment! gonna take care of myself and then the plot/chapters until i like the #i really do in my heart of hearts think that either rm or pep will be updated within novemeber they are both abt halfway done #but no promises ofc im trying to be firm on that thank you for waiting but im cutting myself loose of invisible consequence #thank you for your love light and support i adore you send as many asks as u want and if i go dark know its bc im taking care of me #and please take care of yourselves the way i would #ilyilyilysm #also sorry i killed the format but oh my god it feels so much cleaner to me its so much more readable #ok done now toodaloo!

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