#usually I am not comfortable talking about some things with ppl irl)

[vulpecular-draconic]

introduction

[ edit on march 26, 2024: i have a new intro post, here ]

howdy! this is my side blog where i'll ramble about my experiences being nonhuman. i don't feel comfortable linking my main blog yet, but i may sometime in the future. on this blog, you can call me vuldra. i'm genderfluid and i'll update my pronouns whenever they change.

i am a psychological therian – for me, i feel like a critter due to being neurodivergent. i tend to have pretty strong phantom limbs, and about average species dysphoria (although i don't believe those are necessary to be therian/otherkin). i awakened in the summer of 2023. i've figured out a lot since then, but i'm still learning about myself, and i'll update/rephrase this post every once in a while.

theriotypes:

– red fox [vulpes vulpes]; specifically, the pearl fox color morph

– bat-eared fox [otocyon megalotis]

fox shifts usually consist urges to bite things/ppl, roll on the floor, wag my tail, curl up in a little ball, run on all fours, or growl. i can tell the difference between fox species by which body shape most matches my phantom limbs, which coat color feels more like me at the moment, and which habitat i’d feel most comfortable in. most of the times i get fox shifts, i feel like an anthropomorphic fox. not quite like the way most modern furries are drawn – more along the lines of how an anthro fox in an old storybook would be drawn. i like having anthro shifts better, because it's less dysphoric than when i'm an all-fours fox.

i consider foxes to be my main types, so i’ll refer to myself as a fox more often than my other kintypes.

otherkin types:

– pocket dragon; i'm only about six or seven inches long from head to tail, with layered armor-ish blue scales. my mouth is slightly beak-ish and is sharp, with no teeth. my tail has a feather-like fan on the end, although it's made of scales. when i get pocket dragon shifts, i feel the urge to scurry up trees, talk less, and eat berries and beetles.

– bird person(??); i'm not sure if i want to count this as an official kin or if it's just a cameo shift i've had strongly several times. when this happens, i get feathery phantom wings and a long tail with a fan at the end, similar to my pocket dragon tail, but feathered instead of scaled. occasionally i also get digitigrade legs. other than that, i feel pretty much human.

– antlers; sometimes i just feel phantom antlers. i don't connect with deer/other irl antlered creatures at all, so i'm not sure what this is about. sometimes the antlers are by themself, and sometimes they co-occur with other stuff.

– cryptids; sometimes shifts mix-and-mash into creatures that i call cryptids. cryptid shifts aren't always the same from one shift to another, and sometimes include cameo shift elements. i've had cryptid shifts where i'm an anthro pearl fox with feathered wings and antlers, and i've had cryptid shifts where i'm humanoid with spines and a fan-tipped tail, shrouded in a shadowy energy. while i call most of my mashups a cryptid shift, some don't have the vibe, if that makes sense.

that pretty much covers it, i think. welcome to my blog!

#therian #otherkin #alterhuman #nonhuman #fox theriotype #foxkin #fox therian #pearl fox theriotype #pearl fox therian #pearl foxkin #dragonkin #dragon otherkin #pocket dragonkin #canine theriotype #canine therian #caninekin #bat-eared fox theriotype #bat-eared fox therian #bat-eared foxkin #cryptidkin #dragon kintype #cryptid kintype #aviankin #sorta?? #intro post #last edited: march 1st 2024 #<- well. not anymore #i say some stuff

[moondragon618]

So uh. I think I've decided that I want to be a little bit more open about some things on here bc honestly trying not to acknowledge it is just causing me a ton of unnecessary stress (and I'm sure as fuck not acknowledging it irl lmaooo) so yeah. So I'll start with this: I'm currently unemployed and living with my parents (mom and stepdad) and my younger but also adult brother (they all have some form of income but it's only just barely enough to get by). Now on its own the whole all of us living together thing should not be that big of a deal apparently according to what I've learned from hearing other ppl's experiences in similar situations. Unfortunately my parents do not think like this. My mom especially is convinced that we are literally ruining her life so y'know that's fun (:

Okay but seriously. I'm about to sound like I'm trying to downplay this (and maybe I am bc. Yk.) but like a good 80% or so of the time it's. Fine. We get along okay. But I know that's only bc we never acknowledge The Problems outside of the few bad days and we always just go on like those never even happened. And here's what I mean by bad days btw: ""Family Meetings"". Yeah that phrase is literally a fucking trigger for me now it's fucking bullshit. When I was younger it meant "me getting screamed at about how fucked up I am and how fucked I'll be in the "real world" and how I'm just "a soft spoiled little bitch bc I never got my ass beat" (like my brother. bc he's definitely fine and has no issues at all lmaooo) (and usually without the bitch part aside from once when I was a teenager) and now it's more "me getting screamed at by my mom abt how I'm ruining her life and her marriage" etc. etc. So yeah. My stepdad is a little better in that he only yelled at me one time when I was like 12 I think? And then never again. And he seems to at least understand that if screaming at still hasn't "fixed" me after 25 fucking years then it's probably not going to so yeah. And he did actually kind of stand up for me during the last one (in late September-ish) which I know isn't much but it's still way more than anyone else has done so I do appreciate it.

Anyway the last one was really fun (terrible) I got the usual + being told I being disrespectful for not coming out to the living room bc I was having a panic attack and quite literally frozen and unable to move 👍👍👍 And I've also been limited to just my phone since then bc my mom took my computer (bc god forbid we consider there might be a reason I'm on it so much) and still hasn't given it back and tbh I think I'd rather kms than ask for it back so that's fun too (:

I am aware that this is abusive behavior and that screaming at your child for any reason is in fact child abuse btw. It took me until very recently to come to terms with that even while knowing that (and I'm probably still not fully there tbh) but I know. It's that fucking generational trauma bullshit yk. My mom's side of the family is Fucked Up like her parents were terrible and their (mostly her dad's idk the other ones lol) parents. Yeah I'm not even comfortable talking about them right now that's like a whole other thing lmao. But yeah I know that doesn't even remotely make it okay.

And yeah like the day after shit like that happens we just never acknowledge it again until everyone's losing their shit again because nothing ever changes. Believe it or not being screamed at does not help me figure out how to navigate getting a source of income or how I'm supposed to do anything when we sure as fuck can't afford another vehicle or how I'm ever going to be able to afford my own place to live lmaooo. And I also literally cannot even talk to them about any of this without losing my ability to speak so that really doesn't help either (: I sure as fuck haven't tried calling out the bullshit either bc fuck that there's no fucking way that's going over well and I couldn't even if I wanted to (: (: (:

So I'm just kinda stuck here ig. It's really not too bad (most of the time). I'm not saying that to minimize or invalidate anything either I just want you all to know that it's not like super urgent or anything, I'm not in danger, my mental health isn't great obviously but I'm not at risk of hurting myself or suicide or anything. Promise <3 I'm a tenacious bastard sticking around out of pure spite and a desire to keep creating things if nothing else lmao :)

God this is kind of a trauma dump lmao but that about sums it up ig? I'm also very much open to advice if anyone has any <3

#srry if I come across insensitively with my jokes and stuff btw #I'm not trying to be I just cope by making fun of how absurd the logic is now that I know it is lol #vent #tw abuse #tw suicide mention #tw victim blaming

[anoms-world]

…… i hate it all being trapped spirtually its like waiting for me to die i thought you understand/care/love me

look up there is,, light in the sky*

555

when u r all exited for talk carried by observing notes and ingnore you and judge you before even starting is soo triggiring cant fight the argue and the need for new thoughts so its become inflimated so fast like fire oh and for some reason of the lack of creativety the worst secret you would say slipped away and now ironcaly finally it caused attenchin and inrests and maybe absisin to talk about with someone else ,,, any other creative way to eat my soul or destroy? cant even deal with my black eyes after my high blind optimistic hope with planned hope for abstract conflicting answers been destroyed left me confuse and bitter to recall all this fall under regret and for some reason its feel great to feel regret too soon as things belong to it rule and it place and it time to nothingness to silent gloom

ireally dont know if im ok really dont i never had the whole expierment to share stupid stories and laugh at it and grow out of it unstead ive been sended stirght to cicled death cause im trapped here by there sith and not my wish respecti wasnt enough for them and also kinda too late to act likr teen now i acted as the hell bottom of confuion bc i am i was and still beside i never found who would comfort me to say it was normal they just insisting on control me mentally the game they know in return i was like who was possessed cant find peace anywhere cant find sleep tey rather to escape reality every single time cause i dont change my mind easily like most ppl do unless have real weird quistion an attemp to change my mind by my other self my shadow and as usual stupid agressive ppl choose to attack without questions

i dont know what worse eating my share or pretenting its ok to eat my share enogh to make me scared finally to blind death and not to 9life really shocked by this low attued cant sleep i guess i was hungry for the first time XD its unlike the other unusual days, do u judge me by this pathitic weak angle for unresisted unusual natural time call? weird cant see them self by the other kind of calls,, so low adventage even to themself lmao not to metion they claimed i do unfotunes things on porpuse.. if they believe things are connected then this theory also correct they just assholes without personal principle after all glad to know that i know i am too already i didnt tried to fake that atleast

limit b12 estrogen and salt water potasium and salt need water to work

she burst out of the blue in disapointing and claim i dont know love lol she right i dont know love this it the true nature of my personal sin i was close enough these days to her as the need to feel something and she realized how weak and annoying and she want to destroy the parts she hate the most which means me all of me or simply we were decived by hope from deferent sources simetime i notice my self coping someone else nature when am afraid or trying to mimic society and all is temporeay my true nature would eat me alive in an adventage resising my pretending destroying the new nature im trying to copy she dont understand seeing me change temporary had her hope up and my hope up for seeing her happy for me as im trying to please i shouldnt try to be close yet i really cant help it i dont want to cause more damages than we already do to ourself by hope to be understood beside she said i was low going backwardas as i was closer might she right and cant figure out anyway around again bc trapped irl problems and uniq rare satiuation as if being cursed and blissed at the same time

[golbrocklovely]

I think you are softly spoken - quiet even - until you're around people you're super comfortable with. Then i think you can get a little louder, but not by much. I get the impression that you go out of your way to listen intently to whomever is speaking and you dont interrupt them while they're are speaking. I think you treat people the way you wished you had been treated. Accent? I keep thinking of you as an east coast person. Not a strong Boston type accent or anything. But you would sound different from my Wisconsin accent. Appearance? Maybe a deep mahogany or chestnut hair colour with some waves, maybe deep brown eyes, a quick but shy smile that you try to cover up. I think you're very, very slow to anger, but once you are, it's like a firecracker. It may blow up and make a terrific momentary show but it fizzles out very quickly and you regain your chill. I think you're of short to average height, slightly curvy build but you think youre overweight because of what society or perhaps people surrounding you growing up have made you believe. I think youre the friend to everyone when they need it, but are also the friend that gets left out. I think it takes a lot for you to end any friendship because you forgive easily even if you dont forget. You give chance after chance after chance until you hit that limit. Have I got anything right?

damn… do you know me irl lol

you got a lot right, i'll give you that. but i'll clarify a couple things haha

i am quiet, i guess, to some extent. i think i'm more calculated in what i say depending on the situation. but you are right that around new ppl i'm quiet and then with ppl i'm more comfortable with i'm loud.

i do talk over ppl and sometimes i don't pay attention, but i think that's bc of my undiagnosed (but trying to get diagnosed) adhd. i have about 1000 thoughts going thru my head at any given time so sometimes i just spit stuff out in the moment bc otherwise i'll forget it (bc i also have the memory of a spoon sometimes). that's why i do well when i write. i'm able to get everything out that i want to say.

i am from the east coast, i live near philly. so i do wonder what my accent would sound like to someone that isn't from around here. hell there are ppl that are around me that have THICK fucking accents to me so i can only imagine what mine might sound like. i think mine is also a bit different bc i did theater so i overenunciate sometimes.

i do have brown hair, probably in between those two colors, but… my eyes are hazel. but they read as brown so i guess you're kinda right haha

slow to anger… debatable. i think it depends on what's happening, whether or not i'm feeling good, and the subject. i do get annoyed very easily. it takes little to nothing to annoy me lol angry tho? hit or miss.

i am short, and i am overweight. i think i wear my weight well tho.

and i'm just gonna rant about this for like two seconds so ignore this if you wanna. i got to my heaviest in college, and i was a size 18. i have since lost a decent amount of weight, and now i'm in between what i was in high school and what i was in college. tell me how i went UP a pant size and i'm now a 20. i'm like…….. did the sizing change bc i literally didn't buy clothes for a year or two??????? but something like this has happened to me before too. back when i was in middle school/hs i lost 40 lbs during the summer but i remember measuring my thighs and they got BIGGER. and that happens now anytime i lose weight. my thighs will get bigger. i dONT NEED BIGGER THIGHS ! okay sorry about that lmao

so back to your ask, i would say the last bit is definitely true, and funny enough i've never ended a friendship. ppl just… stop talking to me. so, that's usually when i get the hint that they don't want to be friends anymore. which is infuriating for a number of reasons. i would much rather someone just tell me to my face that they don't want to be friends anymore than ghost me into oblivion. like, while it would hurt for someone to tell me they don't want to be friends, at least it doesn't leave as many "what ifs" as ghosting, which i fucking HATE. i've also learned within the last couple years that i'm not gonna beg someone to be my friend. that's dumb, and we're all too old to play games like that.

ffs, i'm 27. you either vibe with the fact that i like twilight and the jonas brothers a lot or you don't lol it's not that complicated.

#ask #personal

[dokyeomini]

how could i not ask about monsta x (if someone hasn't before), but also: everglow & victon 👀

[ if i stan ] monsta x (any attempt to deny my stan status would not hold up in court)

favorite member / bias line i've said this before but it's literally impossible to have one bias or even just a few there's one for every day of the week you know?????? (kihyun was my first bias tho and i sometimes it feels like he still is but every single one of them is bias wrecking me yk? like... relentlessly)

which member I’d fight (& why) minhyuk... bring it.. it wouldn't be a fistfight tho, we'd have many rounds of games (im not a gamer but i am very competitive), or smth else literally any stupid game and we'd be the last ones standing probably

favorite song(s) oh boy..... get ready i'm pm gonna spin the wheel on my mx best of playlist lmao: autobahn, gasoline, all i do, diamond heart, stuck, jealousy, my beast, u r, monsta truck, whispers in the dark, shine forever, in time, no reason, myself, lost in the dream (what a song......), fallin' (oh to experience that at a concert...), spotlight and livin' it up.... and more........ solos (i'll stick to just one per person): jooheon's king, wonho's stranger, i.m's burn

favorite thing about the group (pls i could literally write an essay 😭) sb described them as hella loud but down-to-earth at the same time and that sums them up perfectly. i have fun watching any content with them and they're the only group with whom i for real keep up with constantly (i mean i save videos to watch later usually and watch them when i'm having a bad day). it's hard to put into words what they mean to me bc it's been an immense comfort to watch their videos and listen to their music (i discovered them when i was stuck at home with my neck injury and in pain every day and also covid had just started.. fun times lmao). and idk how they keep making music that always feels fresh and new but still very very Them?? (also with three of the members writing more and more of the songs i think/hope there's little chance of their discography to become stale). their music is literally custom made for my brain it's like a drug i need to feel normal. and it's not like i *know* them but in general they do seem very..... down-to-earth and their banter doesn't seem artificial ever iykwim?? i think their relationship with the fans is very special and cheesy but actually rly cute mfdgdhfgkd. this is stuff that has stuck out to me bc i think it's not easy to pass my vibe check for celebrities lmao i do trust my gut bc im usually right irl. each of them is so special and has their own things going for them and i could write a paragraph for each f them but i won’t (please watch and admire my self-restraint) IN CONCLUSION: they're a chaotic comfort to me <3

something i’d like to see from them wonho back in mx some day or like a collab situation 🤡🤡🤡 other than that like a looong vacation or just keep doing whatever they want. i think it's incredibly impressive that they've put up so much stuff and i hope they're not overdoing it. i also think everything they’ve put out last year has been good and they’ve released a looot. i think they’ve been doing well lately and seem pretty happy with their situation in genral at this point (i mean after wonho leaving, i think they’ve all adjusted to it pretty well and wonho seems to have a blast working with the ppl he’s working with rn :’) so i’m relieved + they can all see each other just not talk about it to the fans which must still suck). tho i know they could really benefit from some rest man. even if they want to be constantly working i hope they know their fans would be here waiting for them once they take a break. also i rly would wanna see more title tracks by jooheon in the future bc gambler and rush hour are mwah chef's kiss

oh and i just realized there's two more groups haha i'll put hem under a cut

[ if i’m familiar ] victon

favorite member if I have one sejuuuuuuuunnnn (taurus brother and insane man)

favorite song(s) nostalgic night, what i said, chronograph, howling (i haven't dived deep into their discography)

why I don’t stan (yet) / if I want to literally just have my hands full with mx lmao. i do casually stan them tho i guess

question for veteran fans same as for any other ig: what are their most insane moments?

[ if i’m familiar ]

favorite member if I have one yiren but im rly not very familiar with them. i watched her diy vlog and i was like yeah that's my girl :)

favorite song(s) first, pirate, don't speak, la di da, dun dun (haven't listened to a lot of their songs)

why I don’t stan (yet) / if I want to want to and i've watched some of their recent content. but i'm again a casual stan

question for veteran fans copy+paste: what are their most insane moments?

#long post #thank youuuuu #'ve been wanting to talk abt them for a while jgdfkgjdflkgfd #<3<3<3<3 #answered #ueberdemnebelmeer #ok i'm crawling back to my cave hfdkgdfgfd #if there's typos im sorry #if you read the whole thing i love you and i'm sorry #i shoul've started with the last two lmaooo

[unproduciblesmackdown]

returning the favor: do you have any hcs re: winston, past or present, that you haven't expounded upon before or at length or just feel like talking about again. whatever you like

Thank You.......yeah idk really what hc's i've like "officially" described here that often lol, but then also there's that whole complication where i don't really ever come up with ideas & when asked anything i'm probably going [???] like, classics like "what do you like out of [broad parameter]" & it's like damn....i dunno. what ideas do i have about winsotn who i've thought about every day for > 2 yrs??? that's tough.....& Then the further chaos of like, when i do have hc's or w/e it's less discrete, concrete invented ideas & more towards the end of the spectrum that's like "well i kinda interpret this part of canon vaguely this way" &/or "i have This vague notion that i haven't solidified into a pretend fact or that i'm not at all committed to or take that seriously" where it's like, not only is this not really nailed down but it's basically free floating / i might have other ideas that would contradict each other lol. seems like a more concise list of Stats that are fully/exclusively my ideas is more exciting, but instead i can offer vague "i dunno / what ifs" based on vibes that i verbosely describe lmao, plus i'll forget a bunch of ideas i may have had i'm sure but you know. what else have i ever offered; never really trying to sell this material to otherwise uninterested parties or only make posts that guaranteed more than one person might enjoy, why would i be starting now; and ig if i write a bunch of stuff here & go "oh & i forgot like a half dozen obvious things" i can add on to it if it's a big deal.....plus it's always tricky with billions in particular being vague abt its own characters lmao, we only see [outside of work] personal stuff if it's going to become directly tied to [definitely at work] professional plotlines, or Maybe glimpse some character contextualizing things for the more central characters....side characters have more blanks to fill but also that means. just more that's blank lol & kinda a mystery of Up To Interpretation.....i figured one way to have any structure for this at all is to have a part looking at each winston involving episode's info. well anyways, after this meandering intro that kind of illustrates how i'm sure the rest of things will go here lol, i'm just gonna throw a bunch of stuff down in general. thanks again for the prompt to do so, b/c why not

really the one concrete discrete idea i have which isn't in the canon text is, of course: he is autistic

does he Know? idk. either way, think he's pretty aware of how he operates (& how he Can't operate), but if he doesn't know that's probably more for the "also: he's self loathing, which was basically textually implied" stuff lol. just mentioned it but i do always enjoy the tayston idea that taylor's talking abt in the past having it floated by a therapist/s or whomever that they could be autistic, them considering it but it not applying; winston going "hmm" & doing his own considering & researching & then maybe exclusively sharing the news w/taylor....but of course, maybe he's figured it out himself at some point before. i do think he'd figure it out himself though rather than anyone else directly suggesting it (maybe out here being diagnosed with "just the guy who sucks who we don't like / won't act right or normal" sort of usual experience) & i think, if he knows, he's not about to want ppl at work to know, b/c not as though anyone (but taylor & other quants) particularly seems to be impressed by his quanting proficiency, but he sure gets some validation/affirmation through that route (more re: that of course) and knows that ppl going "oh he's autistic so of course he's better at Doing Math / computer stuff as a like, mechanical efficiency sort of thing" or whatever. and the fact that taylor can interact with him / gives him some leeway to generally do his thing means he's kind of already got space to operate how he operates, see the start of this section....and idk. transitioning into the next section ig

just an Interpretation Of Canon thing here but, re: how these characters generally operate & what their reason is for being around doing stuff in the first place, i guess it's that winston does genuinely like to do & is interested in the math/coding stuff involved here, was also genuinely interested in working for taylor specifically (whatever The Hype specifically was), then you have taylor having the "despite your demeanor, your skills are superior" stance & appreciating what he can do & letting him do it by hiring him for real & all, & here we are, Q is for Quantitative, baby......he must find it rewarding enough to be getting to do this quanting stuff and also, the potential for validation when anyone recognizes he's good at it & by extension finds something about him good & wants him around to any degree

okay just that Episode By Episode stuff for a section here

3x03:

kinda extra room for interpretation b/c this was written as a one off character and reintroducing him in 3x09, written to be recurring, feels like it kinda offers a Soft Reboot for what we got here, where i guess how i take things is that we can suppose in both 3x03 & 3x09 winston's putting on a deliberate Performance to some degree based on what he thinks the potential employer wants to see, but it's also not completely fake / inaccurate either time, & like, maybe the 3x03 vibe wasn't a type of performance he'd only just ever put on for this axe cap interview, & even if it was deliberately bold maybe he was sort of thinking he Could bank on his value as a quant meaning he holds most of the cards (or can get away with acting like it)

building on that & as a More General point of interpretation again: think it's easy to suppose winston could've had an existence w/many elements of frustrations & disappointments & Rejection, but where like, he did figure out these areas of interest & proficiency that seemed to be a more positive force in his life, & leaned into them / focused on them further for it, & i could see him focusing on milestones / graduating from one thing to the next & conceptualizing like, well, if i just get to This point by working on This thing then i'll have it together & be able to move through existence more successfully, like, there's winston going into undergrad & kind of disappointed he's not having that good a time socially / feels like he's missing out / being left out still, but he can be like, well that's fine (: i'm totally fine abt it b/c i'm focusing on the Education & Experience here & when i'm entering the job market as an amazing quant anyone would want to hire then ppl will be seeing me in a positive light & things will fall into place / go great for me / i'll feel like i fit in & am doing things right within some structure. & i think maybe he Did have all those other job offers / opportunities & he was at least partly feeling a bit "objectively" confident, & also maybe just hoping he Could be that confident & that, you know, if he goes ahead & acts like that's the case, it could be confirmed / become true....anyways then obviously disillusionment time

since his outfits are introduced here: more "just how i'm interpreting canon" stuff in that i do just suppose he is mostly focusing on comfort & it'd kinda get in the way of things if he couldn't. flipflops might've been a statement piece but also i figure at least in part about the comfort / lack of much opportunity for restriction or ill fit or chafing texture or anything, same goes re: pants & shirts. interesting he likes to wear the patterned layers but doesn't really wear like, stripes or plaid ever. plus it could well be that Just A Tee is too informal unless you're the formalest of all by virtue of position, i.e. the ceo, but also we sure often enough see him wearing hoodies &/or multiple layers, like, maybe that's just for warmth or weight or what have you, always considering "what if it's about being self conchy as well (different way of saying self conscious)"

3x09:

so yeah with winston not having taken another job (at least maybe only like, temporary ones as these self contained gigs / just something to pay the bills) figure it's been a Depressive Period for him here lol & deliberately going on a journey of like self reflection / examination & going "haha yeah hated what i saw" is like, i don't think the self loathing is anything new, the confidence in 3x03 kind of an optimistic bandaid lol like well here's the new me as i understand / hypothesize / hope he could be, totally confident in being backed up by how valuable he is as a quant, then taylor kind of ripped that off and wound's open again but that wound was also not brand new or something he was unaware of / that didn't affect him before now

re: math meetup, i can see that being him presenting more evidence of his talent as a quant but also specifically going "see, i do this collaborative thing" to present this more conciliatory and cooperative approach to taylor, & am also taking it as evidence that he really does Enjoy math / coding stuff beyond it simply being a means to a professional end. i also like to think he has been / continues going to math meetup regularly, at least once a month, maybe every other week, and that it's this semi social event, like the relevant irl group you found back in the day that like, meets up for pizza before and drinks afterwards. i also like to think that, like, while he might come off as A Bit Much during said math meetup / just speak up frequently enough and often enough with some insistence lol, people Are there to meet up about the math and his contributions Are valued despite if his delivery/approach isn't always endearing or whatever. and even if he's not really popular / warmly embraced in the more [socializing event] bookends of the meetup, he's perfectly tolerated, and there's even a person or two or three (also regular attendees) who do vibe with him enough to like, invite / even want him to sit with them / talk with them outside that Math Setting. math meetup pals, maybe he doesn't meet up with these people outside these events but maybe they have each other's contacts and sometimes text. not these intimate personal relationships, but still something real and positive and refreshing. it'd be nice if math meetup could kinda be like what he hoped for from quanting, this way his math lets him "qualify" to access this group / activity, his aptitude "making up for" perceived lack of interpersonal / social charm & charisma & what have you, & having some reliably friendly people around even if of course that's not on its own going to mean he's totally socially fulfilled / not often lonely or anything. hc: he's often lonely & not totally socially fulfilled

he does, of course, want to work for taylor specifically, as long as they want him to, and this is sort of his second chance to find validation through working as a quant lol. think that yeah sure winston likes validation in general, who doesn't but also of course he's maybe a bit Above Average sensitive to / keen on it, but he'll also care about Affirmation if it's coming from people whose opinion he particularly values. think that it's easy to suppose he's also especially sensitive to taylor's assessments here thanks to the fact they really hit a (raw) nerve with him like, sure is the potential to get caught up in feedback loop city & say, have a few months mired in self loathing & an especial lack of certainty & confidence, if someone's kinda gone "i hate your self hatred" lol, but he also Did have this especial interest in / high opinion of taylor before that 3x03 interview, & so that's what continues to be part of it here

but then also interpreting that second 3x09 scene as like, he Does independently Know His Value as a quant and yknow not only has his pride but also can't and isn't going to first and foremost focus on trying to socially perform being peak Accommodating and Appealing here lol. but he still cares about what taylor thinks, wants to work for/with them, and i think it was Mutually Appreciated in the last scene that there was Mutual Effort to cooperate w/the other, giving him a Cue instead of just being mad & obfuscating it unless & until giving up on him completely or w/e is Constructive. interpreting winston as someone who sure can be a bit petty on purpose, especially in the face of some wounded pride (where he seems to take pride in his quant abilities & maybe not much of anything else: see the self loathing otherwise), but isn't really one to be deliberately antagonistic, especially not towards, yknow, the person he specifically wants to appeal to, but he also knows he can come off as grating whether inadvertently or not, so he might be testing the waters a little as well

3x11

he's using headphones even though no one else is in the room, that's a preference / he may also just like to block out other sound in general, as there's no audio of [winston's music faintly playing as / before he takes off his headphones] or indication he paused anything. does he like metal, what with the yngwie malmsteen reference? maybe, but that might just be a Billions Reference thing that isn't meant to indicate much / anything abt the specific character. i don't have any hcs about it anyways besides "okay" if so

first time we see his watch, it's not the calculator watch until s5 but i am a fan of said calc watch....gotta suppose it could represent him being here for the math of it all, what with how fancy/expensive watches are kinda the whole like status / power play thing, and a calculator watch is, afaik, not expensive, these casio calculator watch listings i'm seeing are all priced like, $15 to $25 range. so.

2nd scene is the first time we see sleeves pushed up, a frequent choice, maybe if he's focusing sleeves against forearms / Wrists & Hands can be bothersome. also not the first time he puts his hands in his pockets but i think that's a deliberate choice for winston's sort of Default Pose, equate it to the choice to have jared hang / hold on to his backpack straps.

guess he can also be a bit petty / rude / grating on purpose if ppl are getting in the way of his mathing / coding or otherwise thwarting it, at least probably taylor can relate / sympathize what with them wanting to Get It Right / being bothered if people get it wrong but could've avoided this

noticing all the caffeine and the fact he maybe didn't leave the basement / was powering through that project All At Once....just noting that down as a potential Approach, wanting to not interrupt focus &/or bear down & keep a fairly intense pace until it's finished / stay in the zone or what have you

definitely doing some deliberately cocky Testing / pushing back / amicable power struggle with taylor there, confirming he does have leverage due to that quanting ability after all, Despite His Demeanor / not being "sweet"

by this point definitely consciously kinda wants taylor to rail him.

4x03

i have no concrete hc's of instances inspiring winston to think he's "always seeing the future" but god i wish he did. he's right a lot though, maybe he just notices as much lol

talking mostly to taylor here, then concluding with "i only thought it but didn't say it; doesn't count....damnit." like he wants Their validation thanks, even if recognizing his Win here still wouldn't help them either way....also first time we see him w/coworkers for real, he's really freely Interacting.....time to go ahead and say he'd like to be work friends / at least have friendly interactions at work, might be a bit desperate for such positive social interactions, especially in this environment where he thinks the "objectively" good thing about him is most relevant, but it's cringe & fail (&/or vulnerable to Attack) to outright Want something, like validation / affirmation / a positive response or a simple "yeah you're right" "positive" response

first Space Shirt, followed by ones that are like, also &/Or Sci Fi Shirts. does he like space? i guess so

he's autistic

4x08

here & in 4x11, we don't know how he's gotten this info about taylor re: the arc w/their dad or with axe cap, but he's apparently mused on it on his own like this & isn't just quoting what someone else told him about how taylor must feel about xyz & how that might apply to the situations at hand, even though (unless he cassandra'd it) he wouldn't've had that much cause to suppose it'd definitely be relevant to have ideas about how taylor feels / is navigating a situation & why, maybe he just likes to be prepared like that / stay in the loop but yknow, maybe he's just also interested in them as a person beyond what's most immediately relevant to him doing quant stuff for them

he's already done the sort of kicking himself / wincing / apologizing or agreeing he fucked up an exchange thing before but, the genuine disappointment / momentary discouragement in it always lol....self loathing guy

love how he has these little like, clarifying explanations of things. "total control of the instrument," "always seeing the future," "because i win".....he's out here wanting to communicate to connect & to be understood, not so much as a potential for a power play / status climb and thus a conflict.....can see ppl who are used to / Do see interactions in that light to interpret winston yelling about having won as a like, rubbing it in people's faces show of superiority thing, but pretty sure he's just excited and wants a high five

4x11

having talked about the fact none of the desks in the tmc hq main floor seem to be winston's (& knowing that Could just be wroland not being reliably available to be in the bg of shots lol, analyzing s4 shots for some Consistently Empty desk) but it is fun to also consider that maybe tmc Could've had a secret extension in that that quant haunt in the basement was kept. a little more furnishing and it could be pretty chill, even though the lack of windows might not always be ideal. where's he sit!

also the whole "guy who'd be the first one smothered" moment like, guess i could've mentioned it in 3x03 more but yeah my Headcanon here is that winston maybe has a master's degree, not a phd though (him saying "50 phds" in 3x11 i think was meant to differentiate from him on both points, aka he's 1 guy, without a phd) & this is his first "real" job in any field. b/c i'm guessing like, people are here to get Paid, but as mentioned w/the watch (& just how winston acts in general, he doesn't really seem like he's raring to show off / really take advantage of having money or anything) it doesn't seem like he's, like, the "exceptionally focusing on personally making as much as possible" guy, and lauren's remark seems to emphasize / place the context on winston just not having like, savings from prior salaried years at a job or anything, more of a practical matter, maybe he's out here hoping for some more financial security, also they are all living in nyc, so. on that note, maybe he has an okay apartment but like, not without problems / not absolutely ideal, but it's okay. this would just be Convenient as an hc also lol

don't think the monologue was completely memorized, but it wasn't completely off the cuff either, he'd maybe been brainstorming scripts in his head / had some particular parts solidified word for word, but also hardly think he was guaranteed planning to deliver an admonishlogue at all, seems like it was some important factors that he was just kind of already irritated, nobody was listening / people Were social pressuring him to drop it or not interested in entertaining like "yeah i think you should talk to taylor about it" at all, think it was clear that talking to others was only going to lead to them telling him to drop it / trying to not have anyone say anything to taylor, and then that taylor just jumped in, which i hardly think he was hoping for

always Something that we can expressly see winston moving to sit down in that soon to be empty meeting room as everyone else is clearly filing out lol, like, can see how he might not be able to go "well, back to work" immediately and need some irritation / feeling like shit / guess who just got yeeellllllllllled aaaaaat to burn off, might need some time to absorb "well i guess i just deferred so no bonus as was probably expected," but can also suppose that maybe when winston gets majorly Shut Down he has shutdowns. saying all of four words in the wake of things, otherwise the fact he has this approach of tensing up, not talking at all, kind of just holding onto eye contact as his last way of "properly" participating in the exchange w/o bailing entirely, while also outwardly withering, like clearly these kinds of moments are pretty significantly affecting....feels like he could find it difficult to talk much, or at all, in the wake of some / need some time to recuperate a bit & have some distance & quiet & not just jump back into work like he's having a fine and normal time. sometimes pondering like, not only those notions like taylor insisting winston not be Interrupted when he hasn't technically started talking yet (giving him the buffering / latency time) but also like, fun kinda imagining them sitting across from each other having a texting conversation....or times winston would rather have an exchange via email......or make use of the sticky notes......or just have taylor talking to him and picking up on his nonverbal responses

winston's very Not present in tmc meetups / get togethers this season & again we know that this could be because his actor wasn't very available but it's still the case In Canon that there's only so many tmcers and they're all seeing each other outside work / market hours for varyingly formal or informal purposes & he's never included. & simultaneously hold the hc's that he could be choosing not to go or he could just never be invited in the first place l o l.....in either of these situations the reason for declining to go or being excluded could be up to "b/c other ppl don't like having him around" and idk, best case scenario is he doesn't want to go for some other reason, but he acts pretty okay with the All Hands meetups we do see / when in meetings with the other named employees he's pretty raring to interact with them, so :/

4x12

i do like to think it's fun to imagine What If Taylor Had A Phonecall With Winston Before This Monologue; someone once told me that explaining is an admission of failure, i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart.....just them both having a more sympathetic approach with each other and a sort of dialed back reconciliation, tbt 3x09, without an audience / roomful of other people

do think that his wearing a tmc logo tee into axe cap hq was a deliberate Statement Piece, like wearing flipflops into axe cap in his true first time being there lol

first time we see the backpack, & the headphones (in this season), like the point you (nothingunrealistic) made about the backpack possibly kind of exerting pressure / compression in a Sensory Way. let's see it again

as good a time as any to bring up how it's such a consistent pattern that it Must be a choice that winston smiles in this direction :/ and grimaces / winces / frowns this way :\ but a choice of the actor of course, was it ever a conscious thing on winston's end, would not put it beyond the realm of possibility he's ever consciously thought of stuff like "even if words fail me(tm) i Gotta hang on to eye contact".....i'm thinking of times he is smiling hard enough that you just gotta do it more symmetrically, like here in 4x12

5x01

he likes bagels

think that this could've been another case of "people who are used to interactions used for conflict / power plays / stepping on other people to status climb (axe cappers in general, maybe team ben having to be extra prone to be on the lookout for these strategies when they're more often on the receiving end of them) misinterpreting winston socializing as means of connection (wanting to talk about the common work thread / interest with coworkers)"

even if for some reason quants were cold shouldering axe cappers like, a sound strategy even if team ben are worthy exceptions. Winston Can Get Petty When People Blame Quants Talking About Being Quants For Axe Cappers Harassing Tmc & also when in the process of doing so everyone's like "also you're smarter than us but no you're not, any math quants could do fundamental analysts could do better" like, winston getting more deliberately antagonistic when ppl are going after his Math Aptitude / value as a quant when that's his "objective" point of pride & confidence & possibly like haha self loathing can't get me here

5x02

winston's decimal points being more precise here i think indicates that the show is not taking the stance of "yeah the quants are just any old analysts with an attitude of superiority" lol

do think he selected that particular seating placement b/c it's like, hey furthest away from axe cap, most aligned with taylor's desk & angled towards it, perfect.....what a letdown

guess this episode suggests he and mafee have chats sometimes, and winston maybe confides At All Sensitive Info w/the guy? bold

always just smh like well thank god we were given this subplot where winston was a plot device really for dollar bill's arc or whatever............what a gift

5x03

just noticing as always how winston is the one person saying they should go for it vs the other two's skepticism / trepidation, and taylor decides to go for it.....they do value his input / trust his judgment

i am also noticing how often winston, as the math guy who doesn't really fit in w/ the whole axe / caply approach & style, has this role in giving taylor these crucial opportunities to pursue their own direction rather than be mired down in the misery of axe cap determining everything....3x11 & his algorithm letting them break completely away from axe cap, 4x11 & his admonishlogue making some Points & then next episode taylor does decide to abandon the revenge jag & says they were wrong & they're sorry....5x03 & this nlp strategy plotline being the first thing taylor could actively pursue for tmc after 2 eps of being dragged painfully through axe cap nonsense, & the fact this, in the next episode, leads to the Impact Fund idea / mase carb

5x04

see that last point

5x05

guess that until confirmed, The Glances being significant is a Headcanon Interpretation lol. anyways i do like taylor giving him these discreet, nonverbal cues as a very deliberate method of communication titrated betwixt them

oh right and an Age Cue here, before that was nailed down i think i already hc'd winston as either the same age as, or a year older than taylor, and that's still true lol, think that's how it goes with the timelines (taylor's being kinda uncertain, and winston's as well, having prior just kinda gone "well if taylor's 22 when they show up as the typical post undergrad age, and each season spans approx a year, and maybe winston spent just a year or two post undergrad getting a master's b/c nothing nails down how long it would take & he could've kinda been ahead of the curve as it were, he could be, say, 23 thru 25 in s3 when he shows up, to taylor's Maybe 23" as the Idea)

just wants to work for taylor as long as they'll have him, but would also like to be openly valued / affirmed on a pretty basic level lol...

one of those matters that's like, i do think that this is what the material is Trying to convey but it's not concrete / explicit, in that i think winston somewhat Likes rian right off lol like. i mean he's also still annoyed on principle, this is maybe his replacement & that stings that it's even a possibility & of course he has reason to want to feel like "oh well this person Clearly sucks" lol, but then there he is trying to scope out the situation & get immediate intel & it's like, here's this fellow 20something you immediately think is pretty (the mental comparison to an A lister as a dunk, lmao) & you see her being perfectly friendly with your nice coworker you're also friendly enough with, that's one degree of separation, now here he comes talking about how cool & epic & smart & capable she is, again makes sense he's still first & foremost bothered by the situation & has cause to just be more jealous about how well everyone immediately thinks of her (see: winston making bad first impressions that may never be undone, the fact other coworkers were probably never going around openly impressed with / praising him after meeting him for 5 sec, or like, ever) but i suppose this immediate underlying sense of attraction / affinity hits in that First Sighting as well

love that we see the feet up on the desk show of confidence again, very funny & glad it's back.....a tool in his arsenal for when he's Very Bothered But (unsuccessfully) Acting Very Unbothered / when he's trying to pitch for his employment lol

when did he have a first gf? perfect time for an hc.....feels like it'd have been like, idk, older high schoolers at the youngest, that kind of emotional commentary....or in college. sometimes pondering the idea like, what if he had a bf first actually.....or not, & Feeling A Way around other guys sometimes like, hmm guess i think this guy is pretty cool &/or i'm kinda like "god i wish that were me" about, then some more noticeable Tension as he's older even if he can't really discern the reason b/c this person's pretty nice & cool actually, hmm. then one day you're doing hw together with a while for code to compile & Oh Hey Lol

meanwhile think clearly rian defuses the Reason For Rivalry (and also clearly immediately likes him / interacting with him & you know, outright sticks up for him & in this significant way) & then when they connect over Math it's all coming together very outright like Oh Hey Lol 😳

also he Gets Right Back To Work easily enough, & like, i think already there's a deliberate performance of "i'm now totally unbothered," but he's just pretty good at shaking things off apparently. & he kind of has to be, to not bail completely or else tamp down his own personality / avoid interactions, but you know. plus that like, he may get irritated when his pride's wounded but around here people can have a whole crisis & arc about it if their egos are bruised in the slightest, so like. pretty blasé

5x06

this isn't really any hc or Interpretation by any stretch but this is the first time we've seen winston pull that particular attitude in that second scene with rian and it's beautiful.....if something's bothering him he's so often like outright indignant but this is like, i'm Bothered but i'm being so dignant about it, for like 4 sec

also the bright green hoodie / bright, high contrast, geometric blockbuster tee is so Vivid but like, always noting how he wears relatively colorful outfits. fun to go "maybe this one's deliberately extra eye catching b/c of this new crush" lol

5x07

the difficulty in reading that much into things when the lack of sobriety could be making any & everything an outlier, & can't even really read into "apparently down to take stimulants (beyond caffeine) on a dime" b/c well, so is everyone else, so that this situation can unfold, we knew he had a crush on rian (or i guess we didn't, but this is pretty direct about it), we knew he likes validation, taylor Knows him well enough that it's not just like "oh he's acting weird? well that's winston for you" to them, which we also knew but it's fun to confirm further lol

and now for some more free floating / general concepts

family? i have no idea. feel like he either has no siblings or several but yknow, anything's possible. we know what he's like Now, don't think he got that solid self esteem / self confidence as an emergent quality from [everything that happened to him before 3x03] & don't suppose he has this like, rock solid close warm familial relationship of understanding & unconditional love & support w/whoever he grew up with, parents or siblings or whoever he lived with....like, the relationship/s could be Fine but you know, still not all that close

i don't think he was every completely friendless (or if he was, it didn't last Too long) in terms of like, throughout school maybe he had some pals, no amazing close [fingers crossed Like That] ones where someone had like, grown up as his next door bestie and they did everything together & knew everything about each other, nothing all that close, but he had people to sit with at lunch or what have you, even if at times like, the table nobody else really sits at but the people who don't have anywhere else to sit lmao. maybe some slightly closer friendships here & there, but people often kind of got subsumed into other friend groups that he wasn't otherwise a part of / otherwise just kind of gradually distanced again...but also possible he had perfectly amicable occasions of like, maybe only having a class or two with certain people, not striking up intimate friendships but hitting it off well enough.........like, winston's out here Not having been stomped down into suppressing his personality all the time, he's still fairly earnest & forthcoming & eager to connect, just sort of vaguely going for "he maybe have always had this element of discouragement & disappointment re: socializing / connecting / forming relationships / sometimes just being accepted on a basic level, but he also didn't have his spirit totally extinguished either" although there's also the room for stuff like, yknow, him Holding Out Hope like "well nobody likes me now / i'm unhappy but maybe once i'm in college [gets to college & still isn't having a great time] okay well once i Enter The Workforce" lol. you know

but it's also like, hardly think he's Only Just Now experiencing the [winston: ___ everyone: get his ass] type stuff & pushback & punishment & disdain over not really doing anything but people hate his style & vibe, & feel like there's also still room for like, yep wow got burned sometimes / having had some pretty negative experiences......we do have to end up in this place where, you know, 3x03 happens and he doesn't just go "guess finance isn't for me!" & dust himself off & go get some Guarantees from some tech firms, & instead he's Really Glad [Taylor] Called & hasn't taken some other more desired job between 3x03 & that call & is immediately like "good news: i do hate myself" so like, can't see him having just thrived his way to this point....evidently not all dating relationships have been just epic highs & victories, maybe he has those math meetup pals now & maybe idk there's other people he's in sort of in contact with, maybe people from college / grad school or the like, still not that close, figure he's generally been lonely like, overall, despite regularly enough seeking out / striving for connections

oh yeah speaking of, the idea that he has a cat maybe lol, in part simply for company, a little guy that lives in your house / apartment....but also maybe he doesn't

always just some general notions like, also idk maybe he engages in hobbies, talks to people through that just like with math meetup....talked about the Embroidery idea, got that computers/programming connection, was thinking like, idk fuck it amateur photography, develop your own film, maybe he took a class in college or high school or something, same with like, maybe he plays a musical instrument, said "the cello, why not" about that as an early [shrug] idea lol. he does like space, maybe he does Anything with that....rip to any astronomy clubs In Nyc like, guess you're not seeing shit, but. 4x11 au, after deferring his bonus he goes to some cool cinematographic celestial occasion like taylor & the sea glass fish carousel lmao. taylor catches up & they have their [i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart] exchange lol.....except also not, b/c you wouldn't really want to have Parallels with m/any moments ft. wendy & taylor :/

recalled like a particularly casual / throwaway idea about like "lol what if he was somewhat thalassophobic" in part b/c once actor william dropped that lore abt himself in an interview, but. could have somewhat some other phobia/s. or not really any! what a world

maybe sometimes he's out here like, single & ready to Fuck like, focusing on just hooking up w/people sometimes rather than really looking to date at the juncture, although it could both be true like, he'd Like to be dating but also doesn't really currently want to do all the Putting Himself Out There & such of seeking it out / trying to consciously navigate it, but sometimes it's more manageable like, just wanting to have sex. looking out for himself when he can & how he can lol

speaking of, some vague sexy hcs

gets pegged

especial fan of Tongue Against Tongue texture, enjoys some Grounding elements to avoid being overwhelmed / narrow things to the more relevant sensory input at hand, like the weight/pressure of a partner leaning / lying against him / holding him tightly, if he's overwhelmed in a good way / kinda got some sensory overflow in a good way he might cry during sex In A Good Way lol, took some time maybe in his Personal Sexual Experience to figure out some general differences in "what he doesn't like at all" or "what's off the table / too unpleasant for him at some times but Not necessarily at all times & might be completely enjoyable sometimes," like, am i willing to perform oral sex, am i willing & Enthusiastically so, is that way too much actually, it can be all of them at varying times....maybe in more everyday general situations he refrains from stims in front of others unless stressed enough, but while having sex with someone especially if at all nervous it's like, there can be this transition between repressing stims & being more unfiltered / uninhibited where they kind of build up & then come through in kicks only to be reined back in, either like, he simply does go for a more reined in approach the whole time or anyone else is willing to ride this out with him / he kind of has the time & space to figure out more of a flow, in which case he might still stim but you know, not as though people aren't used to stims in this situation, i.e. reacting to stimulation with movement & vocalization is at least expected & it could once again be like "well he's a bit weird with it but hey" lol or you know, not that some partners can't be understanding or have had experience w/similar partners. hardly make or break but this can be a vulnerable interaction here / hard to shake the self consciousness & sense of "i Do have to filter myself and act The Right Way" all at once just b/c you'd want to

hey and let him sing karaoke or something lmao, winston is as Dramatic as he is, he would give a performance. work in a way to let everyone who sings sing around lol, could throw in some Affectations so that it's like yeah winston can sing without having to be like "wow winston, when'd you become a trained broadway performer" lmao. imagine. which reminds me of the time will joked about like, oh yeah winston Gets That A Lot re: people recognizing he looks like the guy in deh, aka will roland....the limitations of "this is set in real nyc" including occasional references to recent / popular shows, fuck it maybe will roland does also exist in the billions universe. well anyways it would be fun. the karaoke anyways, and that he'd give a top tier Performance whether or not people are first and foremost enjoying his technical / artistic skill at the art of singing, it'd at least be personality infused and engaging

taking it way back to the ideas about winston's social misadventures in general, i'm sometimes considering for fics i never end up writing if he might have some like, misgivings / anxieties about like, is this person i Like acting like they maybe Like me back as some kind of elaborate joke, & maybe the caution comes from experience like you know, classic over the line "pranks" like asked out As A Joke, kissed As A Dare that he wasn't aware of, think there could be like, would be Friendship / friendly acquaintanceship experiences in there where such "pranks" / "jokes" / "messing with him" (and not in a good way) could happen, or even just you know, more Spontaneously, don't even know this person & he's treated as a joke for other ppl's entertainment, realizing at the time or retrospectively like oh maybe i was more being bullied then having any positive social interaction / getting to feel at least "included" or what have you, like, the idea of getting to hang out with a group as The Funny Guy, but he's had these experiences getting to hang out with a group & realize it's b/c they thought he was funny / Amusing in a laughing At him, not with him way, which is easy also b/c winston isn't really out here trying to be funny that we've seen lol. only realizing he was still being excluded after some time / distance from the situation, or escalating open hostility / just more blatant meanness / over the line shit from some people, maybe some stuff that just immediately feels shitty but he figured was just like, well idk, maybe that's normal & still friendly, maybe it also felt more outright embarrassing / demeaning at the time but it's like haha yeah you got me :'] at the time just to save any face lol.....possible unexpected / spontaneous amicability in his socializing history, but also shittiness, whether it's coming at him all at once or he's kind of holding out hope like, well, i just keep at it / have a Friendly attitude here and surely i'll make friends b/c if people didn't like me At All why are they talking to me / letting me be here at all.....

always kind of pondering Fashion Variation, we haven't seen it but it could be possible, musing on "what would he think Looks Good On Him / how does he feel capable of like, dressing for romantic success or what have you lol" like, was the vivid 5x06 outfit anything, cue the drawing like, a bralette & short shorts is shaking it up and could be a Felt Cute outfit and could also be comfortable enough....not always That much room in men's(tm) fashion before you start having to be aware of [Gender] and dunno that winston out here has had the inspiration / motivation / opportunity to consider / try out / explore but hey. what are we here for

just remembered that post like "uhh i just saw a guy crying in the library & then his phone alarm went off & he stopped crying, opened his laptop & started typing / it's called time management" lmao like winston's not out here having the Most amazing time, he could have such Time Management experiences of like, letting it out some on purpose but then reining it right back in, and/or just like some spontaneous paroxysms of crying for a minute or two more unexpectedly in a "do you ever [experience a tiny inconvenience] & realize the thread by which you're hanging on is quite thin" way or otherwise, you know, oops experienced this frustration & now i'm crying over it, or idk, just feeling a bit more vulnerable for whatever reason & something has unexpectedly plucked some emotional string attached to another string attached to another & the resonance = i'm crying now ig. he can't be Thriving out here & i don't think he's all about having such a stranglehold on emotions that he's like oh tf i Never cry (aside from having sex, in a good way)

although speaking of like, emotional repression, maybe he's out here just "good at" compartmentalizing some experiences lol in that "well anyways, back to work" way & stuff like, sure he knew he was risking it in 4x11 but it also did not seem to affect his dynamic with mafee at all lmao like wow.....

think that him not really having anything on his work desk is a choice / preference but also am not sure that that really applies to anything else lmao. what if he had a little plant. that'd be funny

oh yeah and the idea that winston might literally have like prophetic dreams & they're just kind of a nuisance to him but sometimes they can be plot devices in fics (that don't exist) about him kissing people

well i'm just calling it a night there lol but like, it always feels Lacking writing out hc's like, plenty of ideas but also hardly any, and yet the fact that other individual ideas are so Vague / casual that it wouldn't be like "oh i gotta share this via post or manifesting it some other way" so then it feels like, oh no, if i don't list absolutely Everything on something that's specifically a list of hc's, i can never talk about whatever gets left out......and just that like, i ought to have a bunch of really specific, concrete, unique Factoids about winston here to be of any interest but hey lmao. that hypothetical set of concepts is never gonna happen, & the Ultimate Comprehensive List Of Everything I've Ever Pondered Re: Winston is also going to be difficult lmfao (not as though that's what you've asked in the first place) but you know, we took a swing at things here & covered some ground & the thinking about & talking about winston never ends, & this isn't really a post meant to have broad appeal / if you're not already having fun reading vague musings about the quant then i'm sorry you're reading this after having read all that and gone "wow, i'm disappointed" lmao but hey, weird choices made to bring you to this point......also god knows plenty of hcs are more filed away under specific like [Tayston], [Benston], [Riawin] sort of things (lol, [Mafon]) b/c on the one hand, i find it easier to kind of think in Scenarios and the details particular to the "scenes" therein, but i am also not good at thinking of those scenarios! out here operating on vibes, he's autistic and wants to kiss taylor (also now rian but that's kinda right in canon, not just my head) and that's really the crucial info here

#winston billions #nothingunrealistic #posting these things at 7am lol just had to give this a shot all at once really #there was never going to be a concise & comprehensive post here so just gotta go for it #certainly vs trying to think up that beautiful engaging collection of concrete hc's & thus never writing Anything lol #and anyways it's also like; this is a niche post for an even nicher audience so #quantnoisseur is about having fun and being yourself. for me #thanks again for returning the favor!! do love the opportunity here #again hope i don't like recall three dozen obvious things i should've included once i post this but

[dyketubbo]

intro post (cleaned up a bit.. again!)

basic summary: my name is dyke/eyez/circus/mask/whatever you wanna call me, im a minor, im nd and a qpoc, i use any pronouns but he/him (and dont like masc terms, including bro, dude, guy, lad, stuff like that), and im apart of a system.

dni if youre against any kind of minority (includes racists, terfs, truscum, queer exclus of any kind [yes, even mspec lesbian exlus], etc etc), support ccs like schlatt uncritcally/actively like him, are nsfw, ship irl ppl (even ones that are okay with it), do x reader stuff with ccs, truth ccs at all, believe fiction doesnt effect reality/are a pro shipper/anti anti, or dont tag triggering things like zoophilia n stuff. dont be romantic or sexual towards me at all, and dont talk about touching me w/o asking. also dont interact if youre fine with those kind of ppl and actively interact w them (only exception to that last one is if you interact w ppl who like cc!schlatt, idc about that as much as long as theyre critical of him)

i like benchtrio the most but keep up w/ everyone best i can and like analyzing and drawing. im really sensitive and kind of an asshole so. bare w/ me if i lash out or am too much or something.

currently we have small intros of us per member on a page (/systemstuff) but dyke n grass will talk the most (mostly dyke). ty for reading, i hope you have a nice day and if its late for you, feel free to go get some rest. if its daytime, go eat!! or hydrate if you havent.

follows/likes and stuff will come from @/cottonskittles, reblog/like spam is ok, i dont care how people interact w me or my posts as long as they dont breach my boundaries, i think thats it but feel free to ask questions if u need clarification. more stuff under da cut

hi howdy just some more in depth stuff

im bad w tone so like. if you make fun of tone indicators or think theyre unnecessary/annoying (unless talking about excessive use/people using them as an excuse to be mean n stuff) probably dont interact w me because while i can interpret messages w/o them my own tone is often unreadable so i use them for the sake of others

story wise wise i usually look for benchtrio stuff, but i also try to keep up with everyones lore! theyre all important to the story in some way :]. however due to the themes surrounding them c!dream and c!schlatt make me uncomfy, and i only receive secondhand info abt the torture stuff bc its uncomfy too. also im personally critical of c!techno and i know that esp bothers a lot of ppl so yknow. warning to stay away this blog might piss you off

dni wise dont be a bigot. if youre against minorities of any kind fuck off, dont follow if youre nsfw or make nsfw content of childrens media, uhmm for personal sake regarding themes on the dsmp remember to like. tag cult stuff, drug use (esp underage), zoophilia, pda, and cannibalism if ur gonna follow me. tyyy. also dont follow if ur uncritical of some of the things various ccs involved have done (this is vague bc i know theres misinformation on dream and techno specifically but theres still shit thats actually been done and of course uh. the whole schlatt situations), and generally dont follow if you outright like cc!schlatt (c!schlatt likers r fine). like im not gonna make a big deal out of it but i will at the very least softblock because he makes me. really uncomfortable. you can interact n stuff just dont follow. dont interact if you use the new pan flag its gross and ugly and i dont agree with why it was made. and dni if youre a pro shipper (even if its to cope- find better coping mechanism thanks im a survivor and it makes me relapse to even think about pro shipping, actively romanticizing pedophilia, incest, age gaps, etc in media and then pretending like its just shipping discourse is Fucking Disgusting and i hate it), and dni if you like genderbend stuff it makes me uncomfy

also this is specific but if youre nonblack and weird about aave i will fucking murder you. n if you make suicide jokes please at least tag them. if you tell people to seriously kill themselves or joke abt "do a flip" or w/e or find that funny then dont interact w me at all

non dni wise w/ boundaries dont use masc terms for me, dont like.. talk about kissing me or flirting with me or anything, dont call me smart or a good person (just a personal thing. you can use synonyms if you really want), ask before talking about touching me, i have mirror touch so when people describe physical touch in any way i can feel it and thats uncomfortable. dont call me a liar, anddd dont make too many sexual references w/ me. keep it to the level thats like, present in beeduo streams but dont talk to me about kinks or anything even as a joke. finally make sure to tag things w /p if you mean it platonically around me, its for comforts sake. feel free to talk or message or ask for other socials or whatever idc about any of that

thatsss all for now. i do analyses ig, also art. have a doodle of my sona to tide u over under this paragraph. sorry for rambling, im not good at summarizing my thoughts and i have a lot to say. ok thats all thank you if you got this far and read it all i rlly appreciate you /gen. i was milfsmp but i didnt want to take the chance that someone would call me milf as a nickname

#intro #mask mews #okay. thats all. again ty and sorry for talkin sm im really nervous but i wanna like #put myself out there. not be such a secret ig #it felt wrong #dyke doodlez #generally just. if you really like edgy humor we rnt gonna get along lol #i can deal w it sometimes from streamers but peers? no. i hear enough in the fuckin highschool hallways

[majicmarker]

so i’ve had a lot on my mind lately — the good, the bad, the ugly, you know the drill. i’m used to the bad and the ugly, but i think (and ofc by my therapist’s rec) i need to give a little credit to the good, too. not to mention the good is largely comprised of people, and those people deserve a sports stadium wave, yk? idk shit abt sports, whatever, but i know what the wave is and it’s like the grandest gesture i can think of, SO

listen, y’all. to get real here, i hate fandom. my time spent therein has been hit-or-miss, but the misses got me hard and contributed to some major self-loathing, etc etc. we’re not gonna get into the specifics, i don’t owe that to anyone, but suffice it to say things got Rough.

but so much of it can be so, so good. and rn i want to keep on my rose-colored glasses, and the rosiest parts for me have always been @kitten1618x and @mygutsforgarters

(quite a few others, too, but i no longer have everyone��s info. and some ppl are newer friends, or relationships that have moved more slowly. i have mad love for u guys too, obvs, but ik melissa and gus irl so we know each other More and they’re who this post is rly about atm. pls know i don’t want to harsh on anyone’s feelings)

the tl;dr version of events is i met them both via fanfic. i happened upon theirs like “bitch!!!! **i** wanna do this, they’re bomb as hell” and then i made them be friends w me. they’ll tell you they wanted to be friends w me first, but that’s not important bc **i** am the one making this post, so they can both like,, suck it.

ANYWAY.

@ melissa : so bitch listen. here’s the thing abt melissa…… i found her while browsing jonsa fic back when i cared abt GOT, and she brought me back to what i loved so much abt romance when i first started, way back in junior high, what’s up. i bad a fascination w historial romantic epics for a loooooong time — those formative yrs, amirite ladies??? — but girl i could never write it so well as melissa. immediately she struck this balance between the drama you expect from historicals and the levity of a good romance, and i was just like, “hand to god this woman must be published already, surely???”

(she’s not, but that’s ridiculous so we’re gonna skip that)

(also she’s busy?? we’ve been friends for like six years and i will never know how many kids she actually has, but the point is she’s a goddamn superhero and i’m obsessed w her, MOVING ON)

i just Had to be her friend for two reasons: 1) she’s too talented, and b) i have said that abt 2 ppl my entire life and she was the first, so i was like, “AH YES MY HOLY GRAIL”

so ofc i slid into her DMs just as effectively as that one guy i had a crush on when i was sixteen and he’s still shooting me texts every valentine’s day bc of the societal pressures i guess (it is Far Less Effective these days, he’s my age and therefore too young for me, gross, but i digress), except me and melissa go way stronger.

she reminded me of why, half a lifetime ago, i started writing romance — bc it’s fun, bc i want to. bc i can do absolutely anything i want, bc who else is gonna read it but me and whoever i share it with? it was all up to me what i wanted to do with it, and i could do anything. nothing really mattered but what i wanted, and i hadn’t felt that way abt anything in such a long time — let alone abt something i used to love so much.

melissa’s writing is so beautiful, it’s everything i wanted to achieve when i was fifteen and never got around to perfecting. and i’m totally okay w that now, bc what do i need to do myself that she’s not already doing/wants to do in the future? when i found melissa’s writing i found a missing part of me — a part i’d maybe lost, maybe i gave it up, idk, but it was totally gone until i found her fics and they fucking clicked. i had to reach out bc there was a part of me that was a part of her, and she helped me find that again w/o even knowing it.

so i found melissa via GOT, and from the start she’d been trying to get me to write some bethyl. years and years, she dropped not-so-subtle hints — and by “hints,” i mean legit directives that i watch just enough TWD to write her some beth/daryl fic. real crafty, she is.

eventually the stars aligned: i was bored w the same dynamics i’d been writing for years, i wanted smthn new, i was restless, i was line editing a bethyl fic she’d written, and — again — this shit clicked. her fic made me want to explore this dynamic i’d never done before, so i watched the prerequisite episodes (no more than that tho, i super hate the show and i’m begging y’all to not @ me abt it anymore). i found smthn that i’d been missing, smthn that challenged and excited me and brought me back around to why i love romance and, more importantly, why i want to write it myself.

so as i was starting to write bethyl, i was poking around the ao3 tag to get a feel for what had been done, what hadn’t, anything i might be missing. and goddamn BAM —

@ gus : this is where u enter dramatically thru a red velvet curtain that i don’t wanna touch (Metaphorically bc you do romance better than me and i’m cool w that bc your talent simply Cannot be touched, and Literally bc i hate velvet) — i was like, “please for the love of god let her want to write contemporary romance, i need some good fckin food”

i happened upon “doo wah diddy diddy” first. ofc the summary hooked me, forget my usual hard no against pregnancy fics (i have issues w pregnancy and that’s all anybody Needs to know, back off), but This Bitch !!!!!!! has a way with words and i wanted to be friends w her straightaway. lmao too bad for her, now she’s stuck w me

gus’s fics gave me what i wanted without having to write it myself. her style is so distinctive, she hits the notes between porn and Actual Affection that is missing from uhhhh, every romance i’ve tried?? (why is everyone so intent on the sex part?? fckin chill. at best it’s unrelatable and at worst u sound like u’d rather wear someone than fuck them, check urself)

she writes w such care, she wants you to know what she’s doing here, and what she’s doing here is combining the physical and emotional needs of both characters w/o infringing on anyone’s comfortability. you root for these characters bc they simply want to be together, no strings (and if there are strings, damn, they talk abt it).

gus makes you believe in love in the modern age. like, not to sound like one of those ppl who post fckin “no one in this generation knows how to love!!!1!!11!!” memes on facebook, those are dumb, but gus’s writing made me think “yeah man, love ain’t dead, it’s just abt how we approach it.”

(if y’all haven’t guessed yet, i have some hang-ups abt relationships. i’ve goddamn earned those. but melissa and gus both brought me back to where i needed to be — in this place where, yeah, we’ve got some shit to deal with, but we all still deserve the things we want, and those things are achievable. i could not have gotten here without them, so jot that down.)

gus is Real, she’s funny, she’s unapologetic in the way she writes. ofc she has her personal hurdles, but who doesn’t?? and tbh nobody writes a sex scene like gus does. physical, realistic, but balanced w the emotional depth that makes you root for these characters bc you can Feel how much they want each other — not just sexually, but in the less-erotic aftermath of that passion. it continues to blow my mind, bc i’ve never seen anyone do what she does. i can’t even pinpoint the specifics, bc she just… Does It. and you’re reading it like “yeah bitch that’s it,” and That’s It.

it’s fckin wild.

these two — my best friends, the lights of my life, both of whom always make me crave chicken tenders at THE most inconvenient hours bc somehow we always talk abt chicken or ice cream or ultimately DQ, but they're both so hot idec — have something special.

i really, really want them both to know that: it’s not just in how they’ve treated me as a friend, but who they are as people, in their creative pursuits. i’ve never known support the way they’ve shown me; i’ve never known this much enthusiasm or investment or belief that i can do what i want with my talent. i want them to know that i feel the same way abt them and their works.

sometimes, when i look back at their writing that completely kicked my ass, i still can’t believe that they’ve become two of my best friends. it’s totally bonkers. they’re This Talented, and they wanna be friends w my spastic ass? GIRL. i’m out.

i’m not always the best at being present, at giving people what they need when they need it. but with everything that melissa and gus have given me in the past few years, i need them to know this — honey!!! i need all y’all to know this, bc i know fandom shit is hard, but you should know some of these friendships are so, so worth all that bullshit, so —

they have so much to give, so much to say, so much to offer. i could not have kept going without them. i couldn’t believe in myself without the faith they’ve given to me. i hope that i can always give that same faith right back.

and that, babes, is what real soulmates are all about.

#i just love them whoops my hand slipped #the majnificent adventures #gus tag #@ melissa wtf is our tag we had like five #how do i not remember five things #anyway i got into my feelings tnt don’t @ me

[mouthfacedickrat]

I’m tired of discussions abt paganism/Punk rock/witchcraft/history/insert other hobbies “poisoned” by the far right. Every time someone tries to say “those guys are assholes, they’re not my friends, and they aren’t representative of this subculture/interest” they get accused of using the no true Scotsman fallacy. That’s... not how that works.... Obvi someone who talks abt what “real” witches or whatever do is in fact employing a logical fallacy, but ppl who just want to say “I’m not a nazi, and in fact I hate nazis and don’t associate with them” have not done anything deserving of snide replies about how obviously this is the real character of their subculture and they’re just in denial.

I am so tired of everyone bitching about how “we” haven’t done enough to keep right-wingers out of “our spaces.” This is such a weird take. One cannot control the actions of other people unless one 1) knows who they are and 2) has the power to persuade them by either words or force. We usually cannot prevent random violent white people from doing internet research on punk music or WWII. We can beat up and shun shitty people when we encounter them co-opting our interests irl, but you are in fact unlikely to casually run into these shitty people because oh, idk, they probably actively avoid you and vice versa, since aside from your one interest or subculture or whatever, y’all have n o t h i n g in common.

And when you do encounter these ppl in real life? From each according to their ability, my dude. Why are we yelling at sickly teens on the internet about their failure to regularly beat nazi ass??? These dickheads run in groups, and are usually armed. Fuck them up when you can! Absolutely! I’m just tired of the mindset that we all seemingly have a superpower that allows us to instantly push nazis out of our spaces. That one story abt a bartender kicking out a nazi skinhead is inspirational, but can we please use critical thinking? That story is about a person who situationally HAS the power to kick that guy out, and it’s JUST one guy. Yeah you have to kick out the first nazi to make sure their friends don’t start coming around, but you have to 1) know they’re even there 2) recognize they’re a nazi and 3) have the ability to deny them access! How does this lesson translate to the internet??? Ban them from your forum? (assuming you even fucking run one or have mod powers anywhere online) Oh, you mean the way everyone worth a damn is already doing?? They’ll just fucking make their own, and tech giants have shown time and again that they’re not interested in shutting right-wing extremists down. And irl? What do you think will happen to you if you walk your happy ass up to a tent full of odinists at a ren faire? That battle is the organizers’ to fight, and if they’re not willing to fight it, they’re not “us” and you’re not in “our space!” You’re just accidentally in a nazi space! Woops, don’t do it again, I guess (at least not without some friends backing you up). 

The truth is, people who aren’t nazis already do not tolerate nazis in their spaces. That doesn’t stop the shitheads from running away to their own turf and continuing to loudly and publicly misappropriate others’ symbols and activities. I think the real problem is that when they do this, people consistently give up their subcultures, interests, and religions. It’s not when fash take an interest that the thing dies, it’s when you give it up out of cynicism and fash are the ONLY ONES still talking about it! That’s when you’ve actually lost your shit for good. And getting mad at ppl for not magically reaching in the heads of extremists and yoinking all the cool interests out of there is facilitating this. Y’all are the very problem you’re bitching about. You’re mad at people for “failing” in some nebulous way at a task that a) doesn’t exist and b) shouldn’t even be anyone’s primary focus. Keep being a witch or a history nerd or whatever. Do it loudly, and publicly, and set a good example for others who are interested. Otherwise, I guess you can keep letting nazis chase you from your own culture while self castigating bc you didn’t somehow prevent a white supremacist from googling “cottagecore aesthetics” in the comfort of their own home.

This post is not for sophists and petty discourse-jockeys to clown on. This is an argument on which you must be --> this nuanced to ride. Don’t fucking send me messages or comments about how I’m saying it’s ok to use swastikas bc they were appropriated. I’m not saying you should use hate symbols that will cause other people to fear for their life in your presence! I’m saying stop giving up your normal-ass interests and activities to shitty people. And for fuck’s sake stop harassing people who are obviously not far-right, just because they like My Little Pony or Greco-Roman architecture or something. Stop it. Get some help.

#anti-fascism #norse paganism #witchcraft #punk rock #idk there are lots of things this applies to #imma keep it real wit u lurpburp aint nobody readin all that

[leossmoonn]

Could I ask for a 🔮?

I'm really introverted and socially anxious irl, not so much on tumblr. I read a lot, usually fantasy. If I'm comfortable with somebody, I tend to be loud and I rant a lot, a lot of the times it's about a book or a movie, fiction. Very chaotic neutral. I'm that kid who talks about politics and just issues in the world in general a lot. I've been told that I give off kiwi/everybody talks vibes and I'm just bad at implementing them, whatever that means (blame my weird ass friends) I cuss a lot. My pronouns are she/her atm. I'm bi

As for the fandom, hp? Either era?

alrighty

marauder male ship - remus lupin

remus noticed u first in the library writing this huge essay for potions. he thought you were really pretty and immediately wanted to come up and introduce himself, but his doubtful thoughts got in the way. so he went to turn around but then his friends, ofc, pushed him your way. you didnt notice him at first bc you were so focused on your essay, so remus did a little awkward cough to get your attention and you looked up, expecting it to be one of your friends or the librarian, but you were very shocked to see prefect boy remus lupin standing next to your desk. he gave you a sweet, polite smile that got you sweating in second. he introduced himself, holding out his hand for you to shake, and as you tentatively held out your own hand, you began to introduce yourself only to stutter in your words. you apologized a lot but remus thought it was cute and reassured you you were doing nothing wrong. anyways, he ended up asking if he could study w you and you said yes, even tho you were like shaking and dying on the inside. the first 30 minutes were quiet and honestly, not awkward at all. you were thankful remus wasnt one of those ppl to try to do small talk. but he ended up asking you a question abt potions and ofc you answered, which ended up you having a whole rant about the potions textbook and how out of date it was. and while you were talking, remus found you so intelligent and interesting, and really cute too. and once you then looked at him shyly and apologized for taking up his time, he knew you were the person for him. you two were friends for a while before he asked you out. once he did, your relationship blossomed into something beautiful. you two took it slow, still hanging out like every day tho. you two usually study together, or when you become comfortable, you cuddle in his bed at night and you always end up talking about some muggle film youve seen, and it always interests remus. you two also share the same political views and its very fun arguing w other ppl bc you two are always right hehe. its couple bonding basically

golden trio female ship - luna lovegood

so luna is known as the weird girl but tbh shes a badass. anyways, you two first met when you were walking to your class. well more like running bc you were late, oops. and you bumped into luna, your books and papers flying everywhere. you apologized profusely and luna kept saying it was okay and she didnt mind. your apologizing only stopped when you looked into her clear, grey eyes and you were fr starstruck. like you swore she was the most beautiful girl you had ever seen lol. anyways you left in haste, very embarrassed. fast forward to lunch and youre sitting alone, not bc youre a loner but your friends just have a diff lunch than you (rip this happens to me all the time lol). buuut luna happens to have the same lunch as you and she sees you alone and since she has no one to sit by either, she goes up to you. youre very shocked bc like why the hell would a pretty girl sit w you? (lmfao i am so sorry. im not building your self eestem very high. itll get better one sec) so luna introduces herself and of course she has a beautiful voice and once again, you are starstruck. you two end up talking the whole time, luna doing the most talking but you dont mind bc she also has a lot of things to talk about. at the end if lunch, she ends up asking you out to hogsmeade and youre like 😟 “wh-what? why me?” and she just smiled and says “youre very beautiful and kind, and i’d like to get to know you and be your friend, if that’s alright” and ugh you’re trying to hide your smile so muuuch so you say yes hehe and next weekend you two hang out at hogmeade and have a fantastic time. you warm up to her fairly quickly and you think its bc of her warm, comforting energy and youre slowly falling for her hehe. you two often trade off topics pretty quickly and effortlessly. she loves hearing your opinions. she thinks youre so independent and individualistic, she loves it! you two also share a lot for the same books and loooove discussing bc sometimes your opinions clash and it always makes for a fun convo :) you two take your relationship slow too and honestly you two just kinda fall into a comfortable rhythm of being a couple without realizing it (meaning like you didnt really make if official until your first kiss and stuff). you two are the cutest couple at hogwarts and ppl really admire your relationship. luna helps you break out of your shell a little too and shes always so supportive. ah, youre a lucky girl hhee

sorry this is so long, i had a lot to say. i hope you liked it!

join my celebration!

#talia’s 1.4k celebration

[dannydouni]

I got tagged by @faceless-dude for smth. And like. All I want to say is that you so much. Cuz I’ve had this sitting in my drafts for months and I didn’t know when would be a good time to post it. Or like update it or like just when I should do anything with it. So yeah. Thank you so much for helping me get the chance to post this :)))

“I’ve had this in my drafts for some time now probably since the Canadian thanksgiving and like only touched on it a few times, and well I never got to post it cuz I got well uuuhhh... shy I guess and at that time a lot of things were going down and stuff. And because of that I just felt like it had no meaning whatsoever anymore. So I thought I’d edit it a bit so it fits better and so I can finally post it and stuff.... sometimes it’s nice to get something out there after having it written down for so long. And well what better time to post it than now XD on New Years!. Anyways here it goes”

Hey guys, friends especially, ITS A NEW YEAR!!!!!! I just wanted to pop in and say that...well...thank you. And while I don’t really mean this directly to anyone so far (details for ppl that I know on this app will be written later on in this post). I know it’s usually super cheesy and just cringe and stuff but I honestly couldn’t care less about that stuff when it comes to the people close to me and to the people I love and care about. So I would like to take this opportunity to thank y’all. First and foremost. What the actual fuck guys. Why lmao. Out of everyone in this world you bunch picked the weirdest, ugliest and just straight up stupidest dude out there to be friends with XD, y’all do know there was much better than this out there right XD. I legit have no competition since I’m just so bad LOL. But still, for some reason, with all the shit I just listed y’all still decided it was a good idea to be friends with me. Y’all still decided it would be a great idea to stick with me up until now. Y’all still decided that I could belong with other people that I could fit it with you guys. That I could.... have genuine, real and just straight up amazing friends. I have absolutely no fucking clue how this turn of events happened. But I can say this with full certainty. You guys have changed my life. You guys are probably the main reason I’m still kicking around to this day lol. You guys are the reason I keep going and keep living and just keep enjoying the tiny gifts that life has to offer sometimes instead of pain XD. I still don’t and probably will never understand why or how god or life decided to be nice to me the few times I met one of you but I’m honestly so eternally grateful that I just... I have no words almost.... I just don’t know what to say sometimes. It’s honestly so out of this world how amazing and nice some of you are even tho I’m like the complete trash of this world XD. In all honesty.... without you guys I’d probably not even be here lmao... I’d probably would’ve just went on with my life with nothing to wish or hope for other than for the next day to pass even quicker than the last.... or just for days to just over as soon as they start... I won’t say more cuz that’s shit is personal and I’m not about to write that in public 😎. But like I know for sure that without you guys. I would not be here right now. So thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for all the memories you’ve given me, the countless nights you’ve made me die of laughter, The countless times you’ve made me choke and almost die from how funny something would be, the countless times you’ve made me think “damn I don’t ever want to wake up from this dream if this is not real”. Just thank you, for talking to me, for letting me vent, for letting me be there for you when you were there for me, for being my rock to lean on, for helping me go through the toughest of times like if it was a normal day. Thank you guys so much for treating me like an equal, for being friends with me, for playing with me, for inspiring me, for teaching me new things and helping me with anything I could ever ask for. Thank you guys so much, and while words will never be able to fully explain what I fully mean or what I fully feel. But I hope that this at least will give you an idea of how greatfull I am for you guys... i hope this will show you how thankful I am for you guys. I love you guys so much that the word love just can’t even express how much you guys truly mean to me. You guys have changed my life for the better and even tho I will probably never be able to repay that I’m hoping that I can do something to at least return how much y’all have done for me. And even tho a lot of the people I mean by this message are not on Tumblr I have a few that are and it is for that reason that I will thank you and write something for you guys here too. So here is the part for the specific people.

@frogb, Genny :)

Genny :D

GENNYYYYY >:D

Good God..... how are you even real XD well to start off, a quick intro :).... probably my only irl friend that is actually active on this app and of course MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER IN THE WORLD AND THE #1 PERSON IN MY LIFE >:), I want to take this opportunity to just thank you again (I know I’ve said a a bunch of times and you probably hate me for saying it a lot XD, that along with sorry :(((( I can’t really control that Lmao but I’m getting better at it right :D). You....you’re my best friend :)... you have changed my life for the better way too many times cuz. I’ve honestly lost count dude. I’ve lost count. I just want you to know that even tho I said that the first thing I wrote on this post was meant for a bunch of people. I was really mainly thinking about you when I wrote it. Ever since you’ve been part of my life. You have made sure to change it completely. And only for the good and for the better. I don’t think you have a genuine idea of how much you’ve changed my life and how much you’ve made me happy :)... thank you Genny thank you so much for being the best thing to ever happen to me. Genny you truly are the best most amazing, kindest, nicest, loveliest, most wonderful, most talented person I’ve ever met. Look I won’t write my full thing here since...well I’ll say the rest to you directly. But well .. Genny... I love you... I love you so fucking much alright :D thank you for being the highlight of my life. Thank you for being you Genny and thank you for being here for me and just being my best friend in the world :)

@ritsu-in-a-maid-dress , heyyy duuuudee buddy chum buddy pal XD (don’t ask lmao), I know we like met only a few weeks ago actually idk maybe at the point when I actually decide to post this it’ll be months or like a year 😳 (and if it is HOLY SHIT WTF I HOPE I ACTUALLY TOLD YOU SOMETHING IN THAT TIME CUZ DAMN) and well so far, you have been nothing but an amazing, way too nice, handsome friend that has somehow probably one of the sweetest hearts out there. You’re actually so fucking funny and have made my day much better sometimes just from the very few talked we’ve had lmao (correction now it’s actually been quite a few 😳and honestly they’re getting to much better and funnier so thank you so much for making me laugh :D (oh and I will never forget that one call we had for 3 FUCKING HOURS DUDE!!!! THAT WAS AWSOME!!!) ) and while at first I was very shy to even talk to you. I’m happy that I can comfortably say hi without any regrets or anything lmao. I will tell you something I’m very thankful for in dm too cuz it’s kinda private :) so yeah.... thank you so much for being you and being my friend :D

@quellfy yoooooo duuuudde I don’t think we’ve ever really interacted on here but I’ve talked to you on the server and well I can know from there that. You’re just such an amazing and kind person. And that every time we talk I have a great time :)) I don’t know a lot about you but I do know that you’re an amazing artist who has amazing art (yes even when it’s not sad “pointing at alluka in snow drawing” amazing) and that you’re such a kind and I nice human being who’s been just super nice and good to me :)) so thank you. For being my friend and for being such an amazing human being :D

@faceless-dude yooooo I don’t think we’ve properly talked before but like :))) I really think you’re an amazing person and just super talented. Your art is something I’ve never seen before and I really really think it’s unique and just amazing. Thank you for your wonderful wishes. And yeah dw. I plan on keeping that promise >:) Gen will get her booties kicked just like you asked XD

@kur-upira we probably only interacted a few times. But in those few times. I could tell what kind of person you are and how much of an amazing person you are :D. I can tell you that just from those few times. I was able to see how much of a beautiful, talented (yes holy shit. I cannot stress this enough. I love your artstyle and good god it’s so good everything from the actual drawings to the shading to the colouring. It’s amazing dude. I really mean that. It’s one of the most unique and most beautiful artstyles I’ve ever seen), friendly and just amazing human being you are :))) thank you for those few interaction (which probably took me whole days to respond to because of anxiety and bs XD sorry about that lmao) and yeah. I would absolutely love to get to know you better and to interact more with each other :D

@starrynarwhale, I know we like pretty much only interacted like twice with each other but from those few times. I knew that you were a wonderful person :) not just an amazing person. But a very talented one too :D (your art is amazing dude. It’s really great. Not only that but like. Can I just say that. Your frog gon fridays are godly dude. They’re always so fucking cool and wholesome 🥺🥺I love them so much. Amazing) you seem like a very kind and amazing person so yeah :)) I’d love to get to know you better :D

@catboyyouko yooooo. I know we probably have only interacted once but let me tell you dude. You’re a wonderful, amazing, nice, kind and extremely talented human being. (Dude you don’t understand. Your art is fucking amazing. Not only that but your comics are so goddamn great too. Not just in an art way but in a story way too. It’s just always so amazing) oh and also like... I see that you vent a lot and stuff and just wanted to let you know that if you ever needed someone to talk to or vent to. I’m here for you. I feel like you’re such an amazing person and I would love to get to know you better :) so yeah. If you ever need anyone to talk to. I’m here alright :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. I LOVE YOU ALL SO FUCKING MUCH

And if I didn’t @ you I promise It’s just cuz I’m too scared to bother you and @ Ing this many ppl has already made my anxiety skyrocket.

#sorry for @ing so many of you #I love you all so much #and I hope to get to know all of you better if I don’t already :) #thank you all for being part of my life #and for making my life so great

[juiceboxboyy]

7! 27! 32!!!

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?

the community!! there’s something so safe about being surrounded by trans people, both with my irl trans friends and all the people I’ve met online. I don’t have to hide or censor this big part of myself like I have to when talking to cis people who don’t know I’m trans (or don’t want them to know) I feel very comfortable around people like me!! The community is very supportive and understanding in my experience :] plus it’s so much easier for me to make friends with trans people because I feel so safe. If you’re visibly trans/gnc know that I love you and seeing you would put me at ease immediately. Even if it’s just a little trans pin or something lol. Seriously, it’s such an indescribable feeling, the genuine safety I feel when I’m with trans folk. I’m sure other trans ppl know what I’m talking about! I hope when I go to college I get the chance to make more irl trans friends and connect with the community more!! <3

27. What do you do to validate yourself?

Something specific I do for myself is type, write, or say my name out loud, full name or just my first names. It gives me the good gender euphoria :] like my name is Mason! My name is Gordon! Those are my names!! yeah they’re kinda awesome heh I picked them myself B) and there’s nothing that makes me more giddy than hearing my friends call me Mason or Gordon and using my pronouns :’)) that’s why I think it’s so important to seek out trans ppl online or irl and make friends, bc that experience of someone calling you by your name or pronouns and just accepting you, no questions or scorn about it, it’s so so validating

And this is more in general, but when I was younger and going through my Gender Confusion Era, one thing they always got me down was comparing myself to my cis peers and wishing I looked more like them, that I didn’t have to go through all these extra steps to get to a better place, on top of facing the potential hate and confusion of strangers or even my own family; it’s a very scary revelation that lots of young trans kids have to grapple with, usually alone (again, finding trans folk to talk to/help you during this period can be life-saving!! I’m lucky that I managed to find the only other trans kids in my grade essentially, and through an anime club of all things lol but anyways back to the actual question!) So something important that I realized in that time is that nonbinary people can literally look like anyone, there’s no “standard” or neat box to fit into or have expected of you. No matter what stage of life I’m in, I will always be nonbinary. Really leaning into that, embracing my gender-nonconformity, is what’s keeps me going most days and makes me feel happy!

32. How do you see yourself identifying or presenting in 5 years?

Okay, right now I’d say I’m a gnc trans nonbinary gay man (what a mouthful lmao) and I don’t really see that changing soon. Maybe some of the nuisances with my gender but not anything big, I’m very comfortable where I am with my identity :] In terms of presentation? umm I mean a good start would be starting T :p I do want to present more masculine since I’m so feminine rn I want to balance it out, especially my voice T-T and my hair is short rn which I love but in the future I’m open to growing my hair out again in an unmistakeably trans way and maybe growing facial hair if that’s even a possibility for me i won’t know until I start T tho. but the dream is for ppl to look at me and not know what the hell I am. I wish I spark confusion in people :) oh! and I want to get into the punk (gender) scene and explore that style more bcuz it looks so good and the ideology/community surrounding it is cool. I want my wardrobe to reflect myself more accurately in general since I’ve being censoring my actual style and interests bcuz my parents are so weird about how me and my siblings dress... more dresses more skirts more punk more black more colors more fun!!!!! I don’t really have a specific style I like lots of stuff and want to combine it all together for a sick combo bonus 👍

#THIS IS SO FREAKING LONG WOW #but thanks for the ask saint!! here are my ramblings :] #asks #saintdevour

[flockofdoves]

take this with an extremely small grain of salt because i dont know how to articulate myself and its not something i’m saying definitively its just a thought i have sometimes but don’t know what to do with but

autism and adhd are literally not functionally different at all while each label might come at things externally from a different perspective on what it focuses on, even beyond the fact that like barely any contemporary psychiatric diagnosis is actually based on a distinct neurobiological cause, even more than a lot of other diagnoses theres just nothing distinct to me as someone dx-ed/un-dx-ed/re-dx-ed with both autism and adhd whos been involved with some irl and online communities for both to some extent.

but also at the same time even if it doesn’t always match up with who individually gets dx-ed with what (also i think self diagnosis can be incredibly useful to be clear but since i’m kinda talking about the role of mental health professionals like psychologists in our society my wording is more focused on that) just because i kinda see the emphasis on why each of these are seen as disordered very simplistically being centered around people with adhd being “unproductive” in this capitalist system and autistic people being seen as a threat to how class society perpetuates itself through a variety of systems of oppression by not going along with a lot of social norms used in that process (getting off topic but since i think my wordings bad to get an idea of stuff i mean, i think soooo much about the statistics about ppl dx-ed autistic being more likely to be trans/gnc and vice versa)

so like even if it doesnt fit neatly into peoples personal struggles vs diagnoses because of that general trend in diagnoses plus societal perspectives on both, sometimes i want to express frustration with how both in personal experience growing up and in some people with bigger platforms with adhd how they sometimes put autistic people under the bus or just frame their experiences in really bootlicker-esque ways i really really don’t resonate with way more often than i see the same with autistic circles

(also to be clear even beyond making it clear on an individual level theres no real difference between us, that doesnt mean there aren’t issues the other way, shit like aspergers supremacy is extremely harmful and effects dialogue on this subject and didn’t come from a distinction between adhd and autism, or theres how so much media really focuses on “savant” autistic people who can be “redeemed” for productivity in society in ways not usually afforded to adhd. i’d be willing to change my point of view but i do think since “savant” autistic people are much rarer it is more often people perceived as more autistic than adhd get the short end of the stick, but its not a concrete dynamic just something i wanted to articulate venting about)

but yeah. i don’t really think its helpful for me to express that personal frustration without all that prefacing but its just weird and i think about it sometimes

but also this doesnt mean i want to reify those arbitrary distinctions between those diagnoses in the slightest, i think its a really good thing for people who feel comfortable with it to talk about their experiences in a way that acknowledges theres no real difference between us and literally dont care if anyone dx-ed with one also uses the other label. on an individual level we all have different things we struggle with more and less than others and practicing compassion with that is something that even in times of my life where people characterized me on the whole as being very autistic that i needed to remind myself of when interacting with other autistic people who went about things a different way, so on an individual level i dont think anyone should need to worry about “overstepping” by being someone diagnosed adhd who decides to participate in discussions framed around autism or uses terminology associated with autism (or vice versa) because as long as you keep in mind that compassion we all should be having regardless of diagnosis i think its a really good way to build solidarity among us and have discussions that look beyond how our society is currently structured. anyone who wants to participate in bridging that gap isn’t part of the problems i sloppily am expressing frustration with above and i think thats really important for me to emphasize because talking about the problems i think the distinctions psychiatry makes between us in our society creates shouldn’t just sound like me reifying those distinctions

#cpost #does this make any sense lol. i'm so tired but i was just like. fuck it today i will actually express this #honestly this is ok to reblog it sounds like a personal post but i worked so hard on trying to say it so if it feels valuable go ahead mdfgh #adhd tag #autistic tag #brain tag #i need to get better tags i talk about this too much for my brain tag to be such a mess of serious and goofy stuff

[juuheizou]

i may have went a bit overboard with choosing numbers. i just love those asks a lot. here they are: 4, 9, 13, 23, 28, 34, 36, 38, 47, 49, 51, 53, 63, 79, 83, 84, 97, 99

ash your overboard numbers are the best thing that ever happened to me dw about it tysm!!

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

i’ll drink it black/plain if i really want a caffeine fix and have nothing to put in it, but i have a big sweet tooth and i like it w sugar and/or flavored syrup, and milk is nice but not a requirement

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

yES. i love to sing. like really love it. not to be emo but music has always been therapy to me. i was in a choir too for abt 4 years, and did some talent shows/open mics, and would really love to be in a band or something someday. i sing and hum around my house all the time

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

when i got home from work and laid in my bed for almost an hour straight (i’m running on critically low spoons ok don’t judge me) peachie followed me into my room as he always does when i get home, and hopped up and sniffed/licked me as he always does when i get home, but this time he stepped up onto my torso and laid down on me and we cuddled for a long time and it was v nice  :)

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

listen to music and nap, maybe draw/write/do something creative if i have the spoons

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

i don’t really remember the stuffed animals i had when i was v young, but when i was 16 i found this cute little stuffed giraffe at a thrift store and just had to have it. it’s not called anything. i tried thinking of a name and all i ever call it is ‘my giraffe’ but its a big comfort object of mine and i keep it in my backpack in case i need something to self-soothe with. i love stuffed animals and highkey want more

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

idk probaby like... velvet acid christ or some weird edgy ebm band like that. bc i am just CHILLIN and idk what i’m doing but i still like knives and blood and stuff

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

the list would be so long if i listed all of them, so imma just pick one and rant abt it a little. it really cheeses me off when ppl question u on irrelevant, personal stuff that i don’t wanna share and they don’t need to know. idk like the guy that helped my roommate move knew me for a few minutes and was immediately asking what i did for work, how many hours do i work, am i going to school, am i planning on going to school, why am i not in school, and i’m like ‘none of ur beeswax stranger.’ stuff like that. maybe its just bc i’m a v private person irl and have always been the person ppl share things with while not knowing much abt me, so it just seems unnatural and honestly intrusive when ppl i’m not all that close to start asking me personal stuff that i don’t readily share, esp when they get all pissy that i don’t wanna tell a stranger, my landlord, my coworker, etc a bunch of stuff they don’t need to know.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

fried onions in any kind of breading. they look so crispy and delicious, then u bite into them and onions.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

love it!! usually i’ll download the mp3s bc i’m broke, but when i can get them, i love having an album to hold and i love the little notes and lyrics inside the case and it’s just great. i haven’t bought a cd in a long time though bc money. the last cd i burned though was that ‘caress of steel’ one that i was so excited about

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

person: my mom. song: idek the name of the song or what verses are from which songs, but she played and sang patty griffin all the time so whenever i hear one of the songs of hers that i would hear so many times growing up i think of my mom

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

all of them but heathers. beetlejuice was ok. didn’t like pulp fiction but i might have liked it better if my pretentious film bro brother didn’t talk it up so much. for all it’s flaws, though, i love rocky horror and have it on dvd so i can watch it as much as i want

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

ehh i like to be able to find what i want, but my bookshelf is a mess and so is my music library and i just... don’t do anything about it. not successfully anyway

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

irl not much cute stuff happens to me, but i thought it was v sweet when my homie @nipnaap drew me a suzuya for my birthday last year!!

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

i like one-eyed doll’s album art a lot, both the drawn covers and the ones w photos. they just look super artsy and cool. sinister also has nice album art, which is not something i often say abt death metal bands, but its really well-drawn and the color schemes are cohesive and i like it. idk i like bands w kinda ugly album art lowkey, but those are the most consistent producers of album art i like.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

i want tattoos all over my fricking body. i’m not gonna go into a tattoo shop and breathe my pathogens everywhere during a pandemic seeing as enough ppl in my area are already selfish enough to do that, but i hope to get my first one soon.

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

istp, libra, gryffindor

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

honestly i don’t have the foggiest idea lately. i’ve been kinda having a problem w any music really making me feel much. am i in a depressed spiral or do i need to listen to more music, who knows?

send me some cute asks!!

#sorry for the late response #i had to go to work before i had time to answer it yesterday and then i slept through most of my evening when i got home #and honestly i have no explanation for today these just took me a long time to answer #i wouldn't have it any other way though i loved answering all your questions!! #answers #ash

[dabistits]

i was wondering, whats are ur thoughts on redemptive suffering? i have Thoughts but they mostly depend on context?

in general: ‘redemption’ and ‘suffering’ are two different things. one is not earned through the other. redemption comes through active efforts to better oneself and to make amends for the harm caused, while suffering is just a state you go through. suffering is, in itself, no more redemptive than feeling sad or feeling happy.

i think sometimes redemption means that you will suffer, in a way, but i don’t think suffering takes priority. like, yes, if you break someone’s belonging, you usually pay them back, or find them a replacement, or offer your time/energy to do something else to help them. while you end up technically inconveniencing yourself, that kind of ‘suffering’ is more just a byproduct of the process of ‘redemption,’ and it’s very different from the idea that “i’m redeemed if i (literally or not) self-flagellate, or if other people make me suffer.”

“redemption,” imo, is to make things right with the person who was hurt, and to make an effort not to repeat that harm against anyone.

narratively: i still pretty much agree with what i wrote above, but i’ll address what probably sounds contradictory. take rendeavor [sighs]. i want him to suffer, but even if he suffers i don’t think there’s inherently any redemption because he’s suffering. i just want him to suffer because he’s a POS who doesn’t deserve happiness, and it would bring me satisfaction to watch him suffer (which i understand is against the anti-carceral spirit, but anti-carceral or not, you’re not going to able to reasonably stamp out negative feelings toward someone this vile. also he’s fake). 

additionally, i know a lot of people want rendeavor to specifically lose the power and status he’s gained, but i also don’t think that in itself is redemptive suffering. stripping him of his gains as a hero shouldn’t be understood as “punishment” or wanting “suffering,” it should be understood as a rejection of elevating the accomplishments of abusers. it’s not a “punishment” against him, but a demonstration of this specific society or community’s values as being anti-abuse. to continue allowing a person like rendeavor to be idolized would be suggesting there are any number of things that can “outweigh” abuse, essentially saying that “the violence you committed is not as important as the things you’re publicly admired for.”

(i know there are abusers and anti-carceral activists who feel like this idea of stripping someone of his status, for example, is a punishment along the lines of the prison system, but i do not think a true anti-abuse politics can exist without a willingness to make abusers feel uncomfortable, because (semi-)public scrutiny and self-examination to this degree is never comfortable. a society which prioritizes the abuser’s feelings over making sure the abuser cannot abuse again is a society that enables abuse.)

on another level, in narratives i think there’s also the possibility of writing in “karmic justice.” a lot of us want to see karmic justice in a narrative because, i think, it gives us a sense of validation that we don’t really experience IRL: if a character can’t/hasn’t been publicly “called out,” then they can be struck down by an act of karma as a consequence for the harm they’ve caused. i personally have nothing against this kind of narrative, although i think it’s still more “redemptive” if the character is forced to confront their flaws, and to understand their flaws through such a confrontation and grow from it. i think this is more the case with katsuki, who was never “called out” for his behavior, but who is repeatedly forced into situations where he has to deal with his pride and his inferiority complex, which in part contributed to his bullying of izuku.

on a societal level: i don’t believe in redemptive suffering on a societal level, and i think it’s actively counterproductive and even dangerous. it irritates me when i come up against it irl. for example, people thinking that suffering is redemptive is how you get white ppl at the oscars making white ppl jokes, rather than substantively working to fix hollywood’s racism or putting their money where their mouth is on antiracist endeavors. they think submitting themselves and their white compatriots to momentary embarrassment by being the butt of a joke is somehow showing allyship, but it’s just corny and useless. see also audrey kobayashi talking about white guilt.

buying into redemptive suffering is also what led to the US’s horrible prison conditions. prisoners are thought of as needing to suffer during their sentences in order to “make up” for what they’ve done (or didn’t do!) which is how they’re deprived of basic necessities and luxuries (like… books?). because prisons are geared toward making prisoners suffer as a part of their “punishment,” they’re actually stripped of any opportunity to better themselves. this doesn’t mean that all prisoners are “good people” or that none of them deserve “consequences,” but neither am i okay with the government running hundreds of facilities devoted specifically to making people’s lives as horrible as possible.

on an individual level: i don’t have a lot of thoughts on ppl thinking of their own personal experiences in terms of redemptive suffering. i think it’s not my place to dictate or really have an opinion on. the only thing i will say is that i see it as potentially damaging if someone leans into it too much, because it runs the risk of “justifying” one’s own suffering as some sort of redemptive state, and i think that’s unhealthy (e.g. abuse victims thinking that they’ve “earned” their abuse somehow). it could easily lead to disordered thinking patterns.

#ask #i'm not sure if i answered what you wanted answered anon #just kind of word-vomited my thoughts #abuse / #flaming shits dad tw

[lnarizakis]

— sam’s match-ups masterlist

hi! if you sent in a match-up ask, you can find ‘em all here! if you sent off anon, i have just tagged you and added the link to the post. if you sent as anon/anon with identifying emoji, i included your description along with the link. this post will be constantly updated as i continue to post my match-ups! thank you and i hope you all enjoy your match-ups!!

— @hqprotectionsquad . . .

— anon . . . ❝ could i get a matchup🥺 with 2 boys~ i'm 4'9, i'm really tiny and i've been told i have really nice hair hehe personality wise i've been told i'm really gentle and calming, i had a teacher that said my voice is "serene" and "soothing" >__< i'm the mom friend of the group🥰 i'm quite the introvert, i enjoy just staying home with some takeout, studying quietly or playing acnh underneath all my blankets.. i'm quite fond of hugs and cuddling and forehead kisses too though😚😚💞💞💞 ❞

— anon . . . ❝ could i request for a matchup?🥺 i'm about 5'3, my friends always say i'm the perfect height to hug 🤗 i have long hair till my waist that i dyed a rose-gold colour, i like wearing green or grey contacts because i like the way they make my eyes look. i have a resting b!tch face though...i'm not very approachable because of it😭 i've been playing netball for about 6 years now and i'm quiet irl i guess, but off the court and when i'm comfy, i'm quite the goodball🤙🏻🤙🏻 ❞

— anon . . . ❝ grats for 500! I'd like to request a matchup w 3 ppl pls! Im female, 5'2, i LOVE volleyball! i play wing spiker but i used to play setter, i loved setting for my besties in hs after training. I like to work out, read books & study. i clean my room every morning cos i like neat things, my closet's organized. i have dark brown eyes and thick thighs, proud of em! i also dance, im flexible, and im taking journalism. i wanna play pro vb in the future but tbh 158.5cm's too short, but im not giving up! ❞

— ⭐️ 🌸 anon . . . ❝ Hey hey! If ur still doing the matchup event i would love one!! Im a short gal with wavy dark hair and green eyes. I wear makeup p often esp red eyeshadow and black winged eyeliner (bc im an egirl until i DIE). Speaking of egirl i dress in black and with a chain most of the time but i also randomly flip into floral soft girl hours?? As for personality im really energetic once im comfortable and i love people who can match that energy, esp bc i get anxious rlly easily so i need someone . . . who will help keep me calm and happy when my drive for success gets a lil out if hand lmao. I’m also v combative towards ppl who i think are disrespectful! I love classic novels and watching foreign movies, but I also LOVE sports and get rlly hype abt them. I also LOVE music esp metal but i can and WILL vibe to literally anything esp if its during a workout (bc i live at the gym and someone spotting my squats is so romantic 2 me 🥺). A match w/ 2 boys would be sick, tysm in advance! ❞

— anon . . . ❝ Im medium height with long brown hair and sharp features. I like drawing, reading, cooking. I’m rather chill and level-headed, i’m usually the one to fix objects and solve problems, I avoid drama. I’m compassionate and caring but sometimes indifferent. I like mountains, art galleries, concerts, cello and graphic design. I’m adaptable and open to learning new things but I don’t like changing my routine too much. + 1 male character. ty for this and congrats on 500 followers!!! you deserve it ❞

—anon . . . ❝ hihi!!!! congrats on 500!! i lov ur content sm.. akfjag im asking for a two chara match up!!! im 5'3 and i have pink hair,, i switch between so many hobbies LOL i play volleyball and softball,, and i love singing and painting!! i have a really cottagecore aesthetic and i love baking things for people!!!!! im really energetic and v bratty over text but i get flustered so easily in person,, i hope youre having a good day//night !!!!!! ty for ur fics ❞

— 🐧 anon . . . ❝ match up please!!🥺 2 characters n no gender preference!! im a tall (around 184cm) kinda chubby girl w/ shoulder length brown hair, hazel eyes, pale skin w/ a lot of moles n i wear glasses! im p shy n it takes me a while to open up. but when i do i am a completely dif person,, making friends is hard but the ones i do have i love more than anything! when im w/ them im cheerful, talk a lot n goof around. otherwise i look p intimidating n serious cause i have a rbf n barely talk,, . . . im the mom friend, an optimist, a dreamer n a procrastinator. im p hard to piss off but when im angry i can get scary 😳 im sensitive n cry a lot, currently im working on being more confident! i love animals n flowers!! cause im not the best with words i use lil gifts n touches to express my love! my hobby is drawing! ive been doing it my whole life n im rlly proud of it!! congrats on 500 followers love❤ ❞

— @raevaioli . . .

— 🦆 anon . . . ❝ Happy 500 bubs! You def deserve it :)! I was wondering if I could get a #1 male matchup? Looks: 5’1 petite fem w/ small chest/tiny waist. Thick/medium brown hair and eyes. I’m a cancer with ENTP type! I’m a very affectionate person to my loved ones. I’m very stubborn, sensitive (but I try to hide it), ambitious, witty and very talkative! I like to tease my friends, watch Netflix and try new baking things! Although I show my love through actions, I’m fine with getting love back in any way . . . Also I like baths! (It’s random but why not 😌) I wish you a good day! ❞

— anon . . . ❝ Hey! Can I get a matchup? (#1)I’m a Leo and a ISFJ chick! I have medium brown hair and big eyes w/ glasses. I have a petite body with a small waist and chest. I’m really nice to people but very awkward (I’ll laugh at the floor) and when annoyed. I’m much more open to others like my best friend,I feel at home with her :,) .My hobbies include watching greys anatomy, shopping for clothes, and calling my friends. I would want my partner to be a lil more extroverted than me. Happy 500 😊 ❞

— anon . . . ❝ hi! Can I get a matchup? I’m 5’2 straight girl w/ long brown wavy hair and big brown eyes. I’m thick in all the right places🥴 plus I have a curvy body. My star sign is Pisces and I’m a ISFP. I’m more introverted than extroverted. I dress like Hobo type of way, but i always wear AF1s and I NEVER crease them. In my spare time I draw,listen to raps (mostly by Tupac) and oldies, learn raps, and hang out wit friends. I also have a bunch of piercings on my ears and one on my nose. ty CONGRATS ON 500+ ❞

— anon . . . ❝ CONGRATULATIONS ON 500 WHOOP WHOOP❣️🥺, can i please have a matchup doe! so happy to celebrate this with you❤️ i’m a female, straight, 5’4 and a half, dark skin with medium black curly hair, chubby cheeks and always smiling, i love being outside just experiencing life or trying new drinks at restaurants!! i also enjoy staying home to watch tons of anime & movies or dates to the museum or theme park, spring is my favorite season and orange is my favorite color, i’m so hyper and loving, thank you! ❞

— 🐾 anon . . . ❝ Twice the charm I suppose :) I’m a 5’1 girl with long wavy brown hair. I have a lot of piercings and I tend to wear a lot of jewelry. I wear two knee braces due to a connective tissue disorder. I’m bisexual, so either way works for me owo. I’m an INFJ and a type 4. I’m told that I’m pretty easygoing but I get angry real quick when someone I love is threatened. I’m very empathetic and I’m the mom friend of the group 🐾 . . . Fun fact, don’t leave me alone in public for more than two seconds or else random strangers come up to me asking for advice. This has happened way too many times now don’t ask me why lmaooo. I’ve been playing soccer for eleven years now. I was the captain of a coed college-age division team for two years. I play left defense and goalkeeper. 🐾 . . . I go hiking a lot, I love cliff diving, and I’m an archer. I am also a painter and a writer. My dream job is to become a book editor, but I want to eventually live off my books. I tend to be pretty clingy when it comes to people. I randomly need a lot of attention and force my friends to cuddle. They like rejecting me 😔. Sorry that this was so long aha. Ily and have a good day 💕🐾 ❞

thanks for sending in an ask ! didn’t see yours? please let me know !

#sam’s 500 party