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mloreley · 10 months

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Please I am begging you go OFF about CxG

Do you know what you're asking?

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is one of the best representations of mental health on television I've ever seen. It doesn't shy away from difficult, or even obscenely troubled subjects, and the discussion in the show ends up in a healthier place than I think most comedies ever really go.

The show is a musical, which is an automatic plus in my book. And in fact, the context for WHY it's a musical is something that hits me right in my daydreaming baby heart; someone coping with real life stress by using daydreaming and music to work through something in their head. And it's not just a conceit for the premise, either! There's literally a plot reason for it!

This is a show that revolves around the relationships the main character has with the people around her; romantic, familial, friendship, and more. It surrounds her with so many different kinds of love, and explicitly calls it love. Whether she's able to recognize it as love is a different question, but then, it's always harder to see the love in our lives when we've been trained into believing we don't deserve it.

More (and spoilers) under the cut.

The show is about a woman with severe trauma and a long-standing mental health struggle finding and falling in love with herself. While the show does a lot of framing around the romantic relationships in her life, it's because she only considers love to be real when it's from a partner- someone who chooses to be with you, as opposed to family (for whom it should be 'the bare minimum', in her mind, even though she's still desperately seeking that, too).

She acts horribly for three seasons. If you've never fought with the demons implanted from severe neglect, abuse, and trauma, her actions make her unsympathetic; they make her "The Villain In [Her] Own Story", and she's just smart enough to be able to talk and charm her way out of consequences for a good chunk of it. Of course, those are skills she learned trying to appease her never-appeaseable mother, whose horrific treatment of her daughter forced her to overcompensate with placating, charming, ego-stroking, approval-seeking behavior.

And as someone who has struggled with my mental health my entire life, as someone whose behavior has sometimes been out of line, and as someone who has had to do a lot of self-reflection, I see every bad decision she makes and I ache for her to be better. Because while I was never as bad as her, I feel the same thought patterns, I see the lines she sees where others only see irrational, over the top awful behavior.

I could talk about the scene where she's shown all of her new friends and found family in West Covina mourning her disappearance in the first season, how it makes me cry because I've had to learn how to recognize that in the people around me. Not just in a "they'll miss me if I'm gone" sense, but just recognizing that you can touch people's lives in ways you can't see, in ways they may not always know you've affected.

Or maybe the scene where, cornered, triggered, panicked, and deeply hurt, convinced that she's already lost all of her friends and loved ones, she lashes out with the harshest things she can say to everyone in her life. I know why she does it; she's hurting, and she wants to be the one to 'cut the ties' before they do it to her. I understand that though process so clearly. But every venomous word she shoots at them, it's a wound in her heart just as much as it is the people who care for her. I know, because I've been there.

There's the scene after she hits her lowest point, where she no longer believes that anyone loves her, where she realizes she has no life either where she grew up or where she moved to and doesn't want to be in either place, where she hurts so much that the only option she sees to escape it is to take her own life. I can't even think of that scene without a sharp intake of breath and tears coming to my eyes, because it's so viscerally real. The moment she looks out the window, taking in the serenity of a blue sky with gorgeous white clouds, communicating the strange peace you feel when you've finally decided to 'go through with it', GOD it's so fucking real. It's a detail that I don't see included in most shows depicting a suicide attempt, and it tells me that the showrunners are speaking from experience.

And that immediately after setting that in motion, she finds hope at the very last second. That she seeks help because she has finally found that last grain of hope in her. It's executed so well. (Hey, I'm literally crying while writing this; it has a tremendous emotional impact for me).

The moments in therapy where she expresses terror over trying to find a relationship after the last serious one she had ended with a suicide attempt, and is scared knowing that it's a place she can go, or when she doubts going on medication because her last prescription numbed her out instead of addressing the problem, those are so. fucking. real. Real concerns born only out of having been through the process of finally seeking help and becoming afraid of 'going back'.

Or the last fucking episode of the show, where she discovers the most important relationship in her life; one with herself. Where the entire context of her imagining musical numbers to work through things comes back around; it turns out that composing music and writing songs is a skill? And one she never got the chance to explore because her mother denied her every opportunity in order to mold her into "The Perfect Daughter"?

Her relationship with Paula is the second most relationship in the show; they both change each other for the better, even as they sometimes bring out the worst in each other. The level of trust they build, and the genuine love they share for each other, is so healing for both of them. It's fitting that Paula is the one to eventually point out what Rebecca couldn't see; that she was actually really amazing, and not for what anyone else taught her to do, but just for who she always was.

The show does an excellent job of showing deeply flawed, real people who make mistakes, and learn and grow from them. It's a rare show where "everyone is happy in the end" doesn't feel contrived, because they've all earned where they end up.

I think I'm momentarily Crazy Ex-Girlfriended out at the moment, and this is still only scraping the tip of the iceberg and mostly in how much I personally relate to the main character (enough that I've actually begun looking into a similar diagnosis for the stuff I'm going through), but I hope you appreciate my going off on it a bit. XD Thank you for the invitation to do so.

#crazy ex-girlfriend #a show I clutch to my bosom with ferocity #suicide cw

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steverodgerslater · 3 months

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[29F] Have Cheated on my BF a lot more than I ever thought I would

I'm posting this here to admit something I've been wanting to blurt out for an entire year now, hopefully without judgment: I actually like cheating. I recognize there are all kinds of bad things that can be associated, and that it can cause a lot of pain, trauma, and anxiety for people affected by it. But so far I've enjoyed myself and it's helped me regain some sense of self-confidence.

For context, in all aspects of our relationship, besides intimacy, my boyfriend and I have maintained a somewhat healthy and stable connection. We have fun together, there are many compatibilities, and he's still my caring boyfriend. But, the inevitable "dead bedroom" keeps me from connecting with him in the specific intimate ways that I so desire. We've gone to counseling, we've tried our best to remediate it, but eventually our sex life (and a lot of the touch-style affection) just escaped the relationship. Together, we discovered that he just wasn't able to give me the things I need in terms of intimacy, and he no longer wanted to work on that part of our relationship due to the pressure and stress it was causing between us. So, indefinitely, our sex life was put on pause. That meant my desires, fantasies, and needs related to intimacy were all put on the backburner.

Therein lies the real issue for me - My physical needs aren't at the forefront and I'm no longer allowed to pursue them, and it hurts me to think that I'm coasting through this life not being able to fulfill my desires or enjoy myself. On the other hand, I also don't think it's worth ending the relationship over if he isn't compatible in one specific way while being compatible with me in others - so sometime last year I had to make the first of many impulsive decisions to prioritize my own pleasure - I went out and cheated on him.

I didn't do it out of spite. I didn't do it out of hate or resentment, I just found myself in a situation where the opportunity arose, and I took it. I was nervous, and thought I'd feel worse going into it, but I seemed okay. I let myself fall into the chemistry I had with the other person and it led me to one of the best nights of my life. The way this man touched and kissed me was like a magic I'd never felt - passionate, slow, fully dedicated to me in the most seductive ways. If teasing was a form of art, he was the best artist of them all. I was high on his passion that night.

After things calmed down and I went home, I admittedly went through a spectrum of emotions: regret, fear, sadness, anger, shame - oh, the shame was unbearable. I felt sad for a week, I was considering: major changes to my life, telling my boyfriend what happened, running away, or just breaking everything apart. But I sat with it for a while, processed it, and let it go. I realized that if I hadn't done it, then it would have lead to actual resentment in the relationship and it could've broken apart things anyway. I eventually found myself wanting more, getting more turned on by the idea of doing it again, sneaking away to have another experience just like the one before it. And so I continued.

In the end, nothing bad has happened. My boyfriend has never found out, he's happy, I'm happy. I had a great time that first night, and I'd continue seeing that person on the side for more than three months, without any suspicions. I continued to keep those secrets, processing the emotions as I went, learning how to feel what needed to be felt, but leaving the rest out. I just knew I had to be careful with it all because inside and outside the relationship, things were looking up. I came up with routines to cover myself and they became the norm, tacked onto the calendar so he'd know I was busy specific days running errands, or certain evenings where I consistently had classes or meet-ups I'd take (and could skip). He actually started to appreciate the time I was spending outside the apartment because he felt we spent too much time stuck inside together (it's a small place). Cheating helped me feel like I no longer have to beg for my desires to be met, and as a byproduct, there's no more pressure inside our relationship. I also get the bonus of feeling sexy and desirable to someone.

Since I started, I've done it way more times than I care to count, over the span of a year or so. I've been with quite a few new partners along the way, some ongoing at the time and some short stints/one-night flings. I actively get tested and play with care. I always try to be mindful that, of course, there's another person involved in this as well, so the expectations in those scenarios are laid out clearly at the beginning if at all possible. But I get to go out and be my most feisty high libido'd self, and yet still maintain the warm feelings at home. For now.

All in all, I came here to say the following and finally admit it to myself:

I love cheating... I love the feeling of freedom, novelty, and excitement it gives me. I love the variety of people I've come across and shared fun experiences with. I love the thrill of it, the feeling of another person sharing their touch or affection with me, their hands all over me, their mouths kissing me or complimenting me, keeping it all a secret. I even learned to accept (and somehow, like a pavlovian response, get turned on by) the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I have to conjure up some detailed lie about where I am or what I'm up to. Maybe that's weird, but it's part of it for me now. Oh, well.

It's strange, because at first that sinking tummy feeling was awful, like a stress response. Now, whenever it happens, my body still feels like it's in fight-or-flight mode, my mind is racing, I'm almost to the point of being anxious, but then... I'm suddenly incredibly horny along with it. Like more turned on than normal. I think that's where I learned that the thrill of sneaking around is a huge part of it for me.

comments:

Gawd you just nailed this on the head. Like seriously I feel the same way my cheating started early in our relationship because sexually he wasn’t capable of satisfying my needs. He doesn’t fuck long at all like 2-3 minutes and he’s done. I want sex for hours I want to be manhandled and my body totally owned. He wasn’t capable of that. We still have sex it’s super boring most of the time and quick. The first guy I cheated with was so passionate and controlling and the way he made my body feel was unbelievable out of this world. I love my husband in every way possible. We have the best life together but sexually I just don’t get everything that I need. And so I have continued to chest our entire marriage 15 years. And to be honest everything is so much better this way.

#confessions #truth

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oh-my-10133 · 28 days

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July 8, 2023 12:14 am

10133,

Do you remember what happened the last time we fought over that guest room? I do. Down to the word, accompanied by every single gesture and your goofy smile, we repeated it. That night will never find itself produced again, however. Though the memories stay fresh in my mind, and oh how terrible it would be to see them fade, that was a much different time. Less than a year between then and now but there exists a contrast akin to that of one between decades. The delightfully cool, misty october morning air we awoke to has been switched with humid and hot july nights, I still have quite the taste for rather "asinine" memes though. My spot in bed, replaced with hers. You've come to realized that I could never provide you with the stablity that you so despreatly seak, in the romantic sense at least, I'll always be here. Sometime between then and now, you changed and I changed too. Like all young adults, we're simply trying to make our way through the fresh world that has been presented to us. Sometimes in the process, more realistically frequently, mistakes are made and I know we've both certainly made our share. I can't blame you though. I could never blame you and that truly is, quite possibly, one of my greatest flaws. Even after a rarther climatic finale, what should have been atleast, headlined by a devestatingly brutal betrayal, by the begining of the new year I'd came back. Rather simply, I'd missed my best friend and I couldn't stand to continue the charades any longer. Charades really had been a game I played so often with you. I'd get so angry with you, and for good reason too, but it always found a way to disapate much too quickly, especially considering what you'd done, and I'd have to continue with the angry front to satisfy what little moral compass I do possess. But then again, I really can't ever blame you.

There were times when I really did want you gone, wiped from the face of the earth with not a trace left. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty and I'm eternally grateful you stayed. And now we've made it to the present day, your final weekend.

In just over forty-eight hours, you'll be gone. Off to bleedin' Kansas (or is it Oklahoma?) with near complete radio silence for the next five months. A period of time in which I'll hold you as close in my heart as I hope you do me in yours. I can't bring myself to cry, at least not yet. The whole ordeal just doesn't feel real. The greatest ajustment will hit the group as a whole. To see someone so ingrained in our lives have to leave is quite a challenging experience. We've know it was coming, yes, but I've always thought it worse to possess the knowledge someone will leave than to have someone leave suddenly. Like a dark seceret that eats away at you until there is nothing left but the bare bones. You should know, I'm certain you do, there is a large collection of people, including many you wouldn't expect, that will miss you terribly. You won't be gone forever, quite thankfully, though that does not exempt me from experiencing a sort of bittersweet sadness. I am endlessly proud of you (the army is a huge thing!), but I'll miss you so terribly, just as I did when we'd get in our little squabbles.

We've really had quite the run together. Through all of the ups and downs and bumps in the road we've come out still friends on the otherside. Though some times may have been rather painful, I wouldn't trade a single experience for the world itself. Every single one has been absolutely instrumental in shaping us each into the wonderfully, slightly delinquent, people we have become today. If only one take away should be found within this letter, it should be that I love you, forever and always, to the moon and back. Don't be a stranger.

Your fellow christmas tree enthusiast,

[redacted]

#10133 #i miss him #love letters #letters

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sofreddie · 3 years

Text

Serendipitous Souls (Part 2)

Summary: They've been bonded by Chuck. Now what?

Characters: Dean x OC!Reader, Sam

Warnings: Angst, Fluff

Word Count: 1,385

A/N: Still building here as our characters become acquainted.

"Sam," Dean breathed out, releasing Y/N and running to his brother's side. Sam was fine, with some residual aches over the ordeal, but fine nonetheless. Dean sighed with relief and patted Sam on the back before standing straight and running his hands through his hair in frustration and relief.

Y/N stood awkwardly, watching the brothers and trying to process what had just happened.

For starters, she was sucked from her couch at home - in her pajamas no less - into the damn show she was watching on TV. Yeah, see, that should be crazy enough. But then she finds out those characters are suddenly real, she's a soulmate to one of them, and she's pretty sure she just had an arranged marriage by God to said character. Her mind is refusing to acknowledge there is even a 'part that comes next'.

She could run, she thinks. That's her first instinct. To get away. To run from what she can't handle. But she's in another universe, with no one and nowhere to go. And she's pretty sure the Winchesters would just catch her before she made it to the door anyway. She fidgets on her feet, one arm holding the other, trying to offer herself some form of comfort in this awkward situation.

"Dean," Sam hisses, nodding in Y/N's direction. Dean follows his eyes, as if suddenly remembering she was there.

"Hey," he says with a big breath, coming towards her and pulling out the closest chair, "Maybe you should sit?" he offers with as much a smile as he can pull off at the moment. She hesitates before slowly moving forward and lowering herself into the chair, on the very edge of the seat, back straight and hands clasped between her knees. She's literally on edge.

"Drink?" Dean offers, watching her nod before pouring out three glasses and handing them out. The three of them sip in silence, Dean's eyes wandering over Y/N. She's an average sort of beauty. Tall for a woman, but still shorter than himself. She's bigger than the average woman too, but shapely. He can see that through her slightly baggy pajamas. His mind so helpfully reminds him that Marilyn Monroe was five-foot-ten and a size sixteen - a true 'plus-sized' beauty and Y/N for sure has that sort of build.

His eyes continue to wander, admiring her 'child-birthing' hips. Cause that's what's coming next, isn't it, his brain so helpfully provides. Consummation, as Chuck put it. But Dean knows. Chuck really meant mating. All these sorts of rituals require it.

"So," Sam chimed in to break the silence after polishing off his glass, "We should probably talk about everything," he sighed out reluctantly, watching as his brother nodded and took the seat across the table from Y/N. Sam let the silence drag out a short while as he waited for either of them to speak to each other. As it was, they couldn't even manage to look at each other.

"It's about three hours to midnight," he continued, but the pair stubbornly remained silent.

"I'm sorry," Y/N's sudden apology cut through the silence, both brothers brows furrowing in confusion.

"Why are you sorry?" Sam asked first.

"Because," she shrugged, "You don't know me and I don't know what happened to lead to this, but I-I know Dean never wanted something like this, especially someone he doesn't know," her words became more hurried the longer she went on, "A-and he deserves so much more than I could ever give and-"

"Whoa, hey, breathe," Dean finally spoke, urging her to calm down, "You don't need to apologize for anything. None of this is on you."

"B-but I'm just a fan," she emphasized, "I like the show but to be in it?" she huffed, "I'm gonna get you killed or get me killed-"

"We won't let that happen," Dean promised, his gaze serious and steady. He sighed heavily, "Look," he said, focusing all of his attention on her, "If anything, all of this is on me," Dean stated with a shake of his head. Sam groaned and rolled his eyes so hard his head rolled with it, "It is," Dean insisted to his brother.

"How?" Sam scoffed, "Please, explain to me how you've managed to work it in your mind that this is all your fault."

"He said I never worked right, never did what I was supposed to do," Dean argued angrily, "That the only difference between me and all the other Dean's was that a chip of my soul broke off when I was made and became Y/N," he said in a huff, putting apologetic eyes on her, "He sent you away so I could never find you. So we could never be together."

"Then why did he bring me here?" Y/N whispered, her gaze still on the wood grain of the table in front of her.

"Because," Sam shook his head with the nonsense of it all, "Chuck thinks that with you two being bonded, and thus Dean's soul being whole, that Dean will finally play along to his stories as he wants," he paused to finish off his drink before sucking his teeth, "And I think he's gone a little off his rocker and is experimenting with storylines now."

"You realize how fucking fuck-all crazy this sounds, right?" Y/N huffed out in disbelief, her gaze flitting between the brothers.

"Yet it's still not the craziest thing we've ever heard," Dean muttered.

"Or seen," Sam added with a shudder in memory of…something.

"Well, it really takes the cake for me," Y/N huffed out in a humorless laugh.

"Well, you're a fan, right?" Sam asked, "Fans usually imagine these sorts of things, right?" he asked, clearly uncomfortable suggesting such a thing but trying, somehow, to possibly be helpful.

"Imagining and doing are two completely different things," she growled out defiantly, finishing off her own drink. Sam was quick to refill everyone's glasses.

"So you have imagined it," Dean said with a sly smirk, taking a small bit of satisfaction from her shifting. She rolled her eyes and focused on her glass.

"You know," Y/N sucked her teeth before meeting Dean's eyes with a defiant glare, "I guess I shouldn't be so surprised you'd be so ready to sacrifice yourself. For Sam. Again," she huffed with a shake of her head, "I don't blame you for that. I just…there's really no limit to what you'll do to save him, is there?" she asked, the hostility gone and replaces with a sort of sadness, "Even marry a complete stranger," she chuckled in disbelief.

"Well, I mean," Dean shrugged, "It's probably the least damning sacrifice I've ever made," he laughed lightly.

"And an arranged marriage is probably the only way he would've ever settled down," Sam chuckled, feeling the mood becoming somewhat less somber.

"I know there's…more…that we have to do," Dean stuttered out awkwardly, "But afterwards, we can talk about what you want, or don't want," he tried to explain.

He didn't usually struggle so much with women. He assumed it had something to do with their bond and the way he swears he could almost feel her, feel their souls trying to reach out to one another. He had a feeling that if - no, when, his mind helpfully provided - they crossed that line, he would never come back from it. That wasn't something he ever had to worry about with any other woman. Ever.

"So what? We're just married, bonded, and expecting," she huffs out, "And then life just goes back to normal for you and I just exist around here?"

All of this was so sudden and forced on her. She'd be a flat out liar if she said she'd never thought about or imagined things like this before. It's Dean Fucking Winchester! Of fucking course she has! But for it to be real? To be happening right now as she sat in her pajamas and contemplated her greatest fantasies turning into her worst nightmares? Not like this, she pleaded over and over again in her mind. But she knew it was too late. It had already happened and, as far as she knew, couldn't be undone.

Bind myself to you for eternity.

The words from their 'vows' rang in her head. What would her new 'eternity' look like?

Forevers:

@sis-tafics

@lyarr24

@calaofnoldor

@hobby27

@spnbaby-67

Dean Winchester:

@akshi8278

Serendipitous Souls:

@brilovesdeanwinchester

@xhannahbananax03

@440mxs-wife

@crist1216

#serendipitous souls #dean x reader #dean winchester #reader-insert #oc!reader

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topweeklyupdate · 3 years

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TØP Weekly Update #142: A Formidable Album (5/21/21)

So... how 'bout that album release week?

There's so much to cover; the release of nine new songs, the hype that's building for the World's Best Band to return to the stage, and (if we're able to come up for air) the massive speculation of what the future brings for our band.

I'm gonna get right into it, laying out my thoughts regarding this bold new album and covering all the most notable news from the week. I'll be sharing my (mostly) positive opinions about Scaled and Icy under the Read More line; I hope they're the start of a fun conversation with all of y'all who have stuck around through this last year.

Scaled and Icy Review

First, my general thoughts on the album: It's good! Really good. Do I think it's a no-skip like Vessel or a cohesive piece of art like Trench? Absolutely not! But it's also not the potential misfire that I worried that we might be getting when I first heard "Saturday" (more on that later); I think all of the songs are at least good, and some of them are downright great tracks that hold up with anything else that our band has ever released. It is also indisputably very different, but I think that generally works pretty well. Many of the songs evoke '60s rock or Britpop sounds and structures that you can tell Tyler is still trying to navigate, but I think he does a very solid job at adapting them to suit his strengths- namely his lyricism and knack for melody- rather than change to suit them. Unfortunately, this does result in a bit of square-peg-in-round-hole syndrome at times; most of the rap verses on the album feel like they're here just to fulfill an obligation to fans who would be mad if they weren't here, and most of the songs that use them are the weakest ones in the project.

"Good Day" plays a major role in getting the rest of the album to work as well as it does. Its gradual ramp-up, introducing the sound that will be used throughout the rest of the album. Its playfulness belies its message about how one can project a somewhat false optimism for oneself in the midst of tragedy: the type of dark stuff in a bright package that Tyler is so so good at. It's perhaps not an instant classic, but I am excited to see how it comes across when it's eventually used as a show-opener. 9/10

I've of course already discussed "Shy Away"; an anthemic, inimitably catchy track that I just wish had a bit more going on under the hood. Still going to be so good to hear thousands of voices scream "An 'I LOVE YOU' that isn't words!" someday. 9.5/10

"Choker" definitely took a little bit to grow on me. I think part of that was a bit of disappointment from over-inflated expectations and the environment I was in when I first heard it. With further listens, I fall more and more in love with the melody of the song... well, most of it. Like the rest of this album, the biggest weakness in the song is when Tyler tries to tick the box of having a rap verse; it just feels really out of place, unfinished, and almost amateurish, and it doesn't end the song on the note that it really should. Without it, it'd be one of my favorites on the album; with it, "Choker" is a solid 8.5/10.

Speaking of unfinished-sounding songs really hurt by their rap verse: "The Outside". There's a definite something to the vibe of the song, but that seemingly nonsensical verse is one of the two weakest parts of the entire project for me. The way the song meanders only adds to the feeling that there wasn't as much energy and attention paid to it compared to other parts of the project. It's pretty easily my least favorite track on Scaled and Icy, and the only one I might regularly skip. I've also seen plenty of people saying it's the best song on the album, so please tell me why I'm wrong! 6.5/10

"Saturday", as mentioned above, had me really nervous about this album. Like "Choker", it's grown on me a bit since I first heard it, in part because it fits better with the context of the rest of the album. However, this one really does feel undercooked lyrically and overreliant on the novelty of using a disco-inspired sound that seems to chase trends more than almost any other TØP track. The inclusion of that very sweet audio clip from Jenna boosts the song in some ways, but also adds to the disappointment in others; there are many other songs on this project that would be more worth surrendering time watching Friends. Thankfully, those come next. 7/10

"Never Take It" is fascinating. I never thought I'd hear a Rolling Stones-style song from Tyler Joseph featuring a gd guitar solo of all things, and it actually sounds pretty great. However, I also predict that this song will see some of the greatest critical scrutiny out of all the songs on the album. The lyrics seem to be Tyler's criticism of the media for playing up division in our society, but he's extremely vague when discussing which entities are spreading said division and ultimately recommends that people "educate yourself, but never too much". I'll be honest: maybe it's the fact that it sounds like something my dad would listen to, but it feels like this would get tons of play on Fox News. Since it makes specific reference to the events of last summer, it's hard not to feel like song is at least partially inspired by Tyler's brush with cancellation last year. Maybe I'm reading too deeply into it, but those reservations come from the song's lack of specificity, which is an issue of songwriting more than politics. They hold me back from truly loving a song that still manages to be one of the most exciting the band has ever put out. 8.5/10

"Mulberry Street" seems like the perfect realization of the entire album's intended tone. It is so pleasant, so lush while also simply produced, full of great lyrics, metaphors, and imagery. It really brings the whole project together, even if it's missing That One Line to really move this up to the top tier of the canon. 9.5/10

"Formidable" is the best song on the album and one of two songs I would truly rank in the top tier of the band's canon. Extremely pleasant and brimming with well-crafted lines to make your heart swoon. Jenna (and Rosie) is (are) a lucky gal(s). Or is it about Josh? Who's to say? 10/10

"Bounce Man" is just plain wild. I think Tyler's smuggling someone to Mexico to escape the feds? The playfulness of it all really covers up any frustration I might have with the clarity; it makes it clear that there's not really stakes here, just vibes. 8.5/10

"No Chances" sees the album take a turn that I'm sure the Reddit Clique is going to have an absolute field day with; it and "Redecorate" both sound quite different from the rest of the album and evoke enough elements of Trench to make me think that's it's actually possible that all this 'SAI is Propaganda' stuff might actually have something to it... until I actually pick apart the lyrics, then I'm even more confused. The song has some of the best rapping on the album, though that's not saying much (the feng shui line is a groaner right out the gate) and the gentle pre-chorus is really pleasant. I still haven't made up my mind on whether the chorus is effective or just plain goofy. This one might get worse or better on repeat listens, impossible to say for now. 7.5/10

"Redecorate" rounds out the album by opening with a Clancy quote (Tyler, you bastard), firmly setting this as a coda to Trench more than the album we just listened to. The rest of the song is really storytelling, with Tyler describing a bunch of people who are struggling deeply. The idea of "redecorating" here stands for how they are faced with the option to clean and resort their own spaces and lives or leave that to their loved ones to do after they're gone. By the time it gets to the album's name drop, you begin to wonder how much of this is potential autobiographical of the last year. It's moving stuff, a callback to some of the great strengths of the band's discography. 10/10

If I average those scores all up, this project ranks below almost every album among the Pilots discography on my rating scale, very narrowly edging out Self-Titled. That's still a very solid 8.6. Scaled and Icy is a very good album on first listen. We'll see how I feel about it after having a little more time to sit with it, but I've rambled enough: let's move through the rest of the week's news.

Other News

Of course, there was a lot else going on this week! To accompany the release of "Saturday", Zane Lowe over at Apple Music dropped an interview with Tyler. As usual, Zane did a pretty solid job of getting to the heart of the craft and the creation process. However, Tyler also wound up skirting a lot of the questions to just talk more about how much he loves being a dad, which makes me happy; if the cost of getting a little less attention and mental energy devoted to the music is that little girl getting all of his attention, that's honestly preferable for me.

The album rollout is not even close to over. Later today, the concert will be streamed live. It's our first real performance that we've gotten from the band since 2019, but the previews that we've seen have completely exceeded any of my expectations, and really anything that we've seen from the band. It appears that they've transformed the entire arena (which I think is the ol' Schott at Ohio State) into a whole TØP world, with different sets laden with Easter eggs and a cast of backup dancers. If the website can hold up to the traffic (and I acknowledge that might be a big ask), this could really live up to Tyler's promise of this being the best livestreamed concert ever.

Oh, and this guy dyed his hair pink.

What a time to be a fan. Catch you all tomorrow.

Power to the local dreamer.

|-/

#twenty one pilots #scaled and icy #tyler joseph #josh dun #good day #shy away #choker #the outside #saturday #never take it #mulberry street #formidable #bounce man #no chances #redecorate #top weekly update

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secondhandnewsradio · 3 years

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SHN INTERVIEW: Sleep Walking Animals

by Claire Silverman

photo: Ryan Hall

Sleep Walking Animals, the indie-folk alternative rock band from Manchester, England, have just released their self-titled debut EP. Since SHN first interviewed the band at the start of the year, they have released two more singles, started playing live shows again as restrictions opened up, and have announced a co-headlining tour around the UK in October. At their EP launch gig at the Fiddler’s Elbow in Camden on the 20th of September, they performed their new music to a sold out crowd.

CS: Congrats on the EP coming out. When we spoke back in February, you mentioned your plans for the EP, so it’s very exciting that it’s here now. How are you all feeling?

Tom: Like it's about time.

Jack: “Angus’ Fool.” “Wild Folk,” and “Dance Laura Dance” are on the EP, so we started recording this EP in October 2019. So it's been a big process, and the EP is kind of about that process.

Tom: We didn't want to release things until we were happy with everything, because we did record enough songs back in 2019 to go on an EP. But in post [production], we were a little bit concerned that they weren't all up to the standard that we wanted. It was our first time in a studio together as well when we recorded those songs, so we needed to practice, we needed to get together more and get more experienced in the studio. Then we ended up going up to Stockport and using a studio called Green Velvet Studios and we laid down five tracks, three of which are on the EP.

Jack: So, yes, excited.

photo: Ryan Hall

CS: Is there an overarching theme across the EP?

Tom: It feels like it's very much about things that have happened to us in the time it took to put the EP together, and things that have inspired us enough to write about, you know, various introductions to people, to new experiences, illnesses, life events that sparked something within us to try to make a good song out of.

Jack: The whole EP spans across when we started the band in 2018 right up to now, so a lot of the songs are about growth and change. But the songs are about our growth musically as well, which is a nice kind of coincidence.

Tom: “Angus’ Fool” was the first song we ever wrote together, so the EP spans from our first song together to things we were writing in lockdown. So like Jack said it’s a span of two and a half years.

Alex: “Native” was written after we played Farm Fest [this summer].

CS: So now that you have more music out and have started to establish your sound, how did you figure out what genre of music you wanted to make?

Alex: It's funny, you just mentioned “Native” and I think that was the point that pushed us to fatten up the sound a little bit. I mean, the style of the song made us realize that we can push it a little bit more. And we have a few like one recorded songs, which are definitely a lot more rock-y.

Tom: We're inspired by all sorts of different bands as well. And, you hear it said a lot but a lot of great artists steal from other great artists and that's how they become great, so we're taking influences from people that we all listen to. So this is why it's hard whenever anybody asks “so what kind of genre of music do you play?” I can never really answer that because it’s changing all the time.

Jack: But I was saying to Bill the other day, (he's not officially in the band yet but he kind of is. He's the drummer who played with us on Monday) we've never really spoken about what genre we want to write. We didn't speak about influences, particularly.

Tom: We're just going with ideas. We all have our own little pockets of interest that we bring to the table and I think that’s what makes out sound quite unique

Alex: When someone brings something and then all of a sudden there's so many layers on top of it, which are coming from all kinds of different directions. And it's just hard to put your finger on what it actually is. But it's cool and we like it.

photo: Ryan Hall

CS: It seems as though COVID restrictions are kind of mostly lifted here in England. At least, concerts are happening again. What's that been like, through the pandemic till now, and being able to play live shows again?

Tom: It’s been a massive relief, really, it means that we can get out there and get some gigging experience, start playing our stuff live. It's a completely different beast to be in the studio, it’s a completely different skill to have. And the more we do it, the more we’ll improve, and the more people will respond well to our gigs. There is such a massive impact from a live gig that you don't get from sitting down and putting your headphones in and listening to the Spotify track. You get the performance, you get the live engagement with music, and with the people on stage. That's just palpable.

CS: Since you're all performers, you're all actors, how do you think your other stage experience impacts your music?

Jack: That's an interesting one. Because I think the three of us are definitely coming out of acting and want to follow music, solely. Obviously, Tom, you both really well. [Laughter] And Nuwan’s also still following both. It's just something that when we are playing live, and it's going well, and there aren’t any technical issues, that we can just give ourselves completely to that moment. And I think that's easier for someone who has trained to do that, which is kind of what we did at drama school, I guess, to give yourself to the moment,

Tom: Yeah, there are great artists and performers, actors, musicians who haven't haven't gone through a formal training process. I think it's actually more important than training. Personally, I find the two things very different, being onstage as a member of Sleep Walking Animals and being on stage or on screen and being an actor in a role. I think the only similarity for me really, is the fact that when we go on stage as Sleep Walking Animals, I feel myself put on a character. I'm not Tom, I’m whatever else that is.

Jack: John. [Laughter]

Tom: I think we all do that whether we realize it or not. Because we'd be crippled with anxiety and insecurity and all the other horrid things that sort of flood into you when you're onstage performing in any way, you know, those don't happen or they sort of diminish if you put on that guise. So I guess that helps in that sort of transition.

photo: Claire Silverman

CS: You mentioned Farm Fest a bit earlier. What was it and how did it come about? And how was it?

Tom: So Farm Fest is a new, upstart festival that myself and my girlfriend Lottie host and organized. It's on her childhood farm and it's something that Lottie had wanted to do for a long time, to use that land to provide a space for a festival, entertainment, camping. We started it a couple years ago. There was that little bit of time between lockdowns where we got a weird freedom in the summer of 2020 and people felt like it had kind of gone away. Luckily, we all collectively know a bunch of musicians and comedians. It started small and then this year, we did it again. We charged a bit more money for tickets, and we are getting bigger and better. It feels like it's sort of gaining a bit of momentum. And it was the highlight of our year, we got to perform on a mainstage with a great sound set up. For us it was a big crowd to play to who all knew the songs and were singing along. It felt like a real festival, right.

CS: You guys are pretty active on social media, at least on the Sleep Walking Animals account. You guys don't always take things super seriously, which I like. What’s your approach to using social media? What do you think of it?

Jack: I wish we didn't have to. I think we probably all do realize the importance of it because Instagram is pretty much the only way of promoting anything, which is so fucking sad. Yeah. And I thought today, because Joe and I are reading a book about Joy Division and the start of the punk scene stuff, and they didn't even have t-shirts, because they wanted to stick it to the man and that kind of thing. But you just can't do that now. It's just like times have changed and there’s so many bands and so many artists that you have to be on it. Like, it will only be a matter of time before we go on to TikTok.

Tom: As an unsigned band without management or label yet, you know, we're left to do it on our own. Like Jack said, it's our only way of letting people know about our music. We might as well try and enjoy it if we've got to do it.

photo: Ryan Hall

CS: Now that the EP is out, what are your future plans for the band?

Tom: World domination?

Joe: Recording.

Tom: Yeah, more tunes. We've got quite a few unrecorded ones. Keep doing what we're doing, really, following the footsteps of the people and bands and artists who have inspired us. Just keep going with it and see what happens. We're not putting immense amounts of pressure on ourselves. We do it because we love it. We do it because we think our music is worth pursuing. Yeah. Just see where the wind takes us.

CS: And you've got a tour coming up in October.

Jack: Yeah, a UK tour. It’s a co-headlining tour with Polary and My Pet Fauxes. So we're playing in different cities and we're all sharing the headlines slot and supporting each other at the different venues.

Tom: The 17th of October we're playing Leeds at Oporto, then on the 18th at Dublin Castle in London, the 19th we’re in Bristol at Crofters Rights and then the 20th at Night & Day in Manchester.

CS: Good luck for those shows and again, congratulations on releasing your debut EP.

This interview has been lightly edited for clarity and length.

Listen to Sleep Walking Animals’ debut EP here

Follow the band on Instagram Twitter Spotify YouTube

sleepwalkinganimals.com

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klaussicarus · 4 years

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Day Ten: Corruption

Maddy stalked closer to Phantom and glared at him. He was begging for her to stop, for her to think everything over. He was sobbing. Maybe Maddie would've cared, would've seen what she was doing and would've stopped in horror. But all she could see was the unnatural green tint to his tears, further cementing his unnaturalness. His face had a blue shade creeping up his cheek and forehead, his eyes red and glowing, his pupils sharp and one eye was just blankly wide with no sclera to stop the blood crimsom.

Her and her husband had let Phantom be, had set a truce because they had assumed that Phantom would maybe be an outlier, that he would be more useful to them semi-dead than permanently dead. And he was, at least for a little bit. Then he started changing. The Fenton's knew what was going on. His appearance was changing to reflect his true self. He couldn't stay perfectly human forever.

There was a slow decay that ghosts took, and Maddie was just slightly upset that Phantom was decaying faster.

[[MORE]]

Danny felt himself hit the floor and fearfully glanced upward to his Mom and Dad. They were void of their usual antics, Mom had dropped her cheerful demeanor, a cold sneer across her face and his Dad had all but forgotten his facade of bumbling stupidity, instead his gaze was calculating and sharp. They had several weapons that Danny had never seen, impossible, for he had a constant eye on his parents lab through their cameras, deleting condemning footage and watching over every invention and making sure his trigger happy parents didn't have anything too dangerous. But here was over fifteen new weapons and gadgets that didnt even have starting blueprints displaying various ages and intricacies, all looking deadly and dangerous.

What had made his parents so paranoid that they had started making secret weapons? Did they know about Danny's stranglehold on their cameras? Did they know about his destruction of their weapons that went simply too far? Did they know about his alter ego dumping ghosts into the portal?

He didn't know and it was eating him up.

Scrambling back from his Mom as she got a little too close for comfort, her large and almost silly ecto-knife gripped in her hands. At least it would've felt silly if it wasn't covered in his glowing blood, his sides screaming in pain everytime he opened up a rapidly healing scab on his body. A bit of blood gurgled in his throat, spitting out the bright green, once again staining the metallic floor of the lab.

The next time he looks up Dad's gone, his eyes flicking around to try and find him, only to hear movements from behind his back.

'Shit, shit, shit,' Danny jumps up and starts hastily flying out, only for Mom to grab his ankle and to fling him into the wall. A loud crack echoes and Danny muffles a scream. Mom holds him down just barely, only able to pull her ecto-knife out once Jack helps constrict him to the wall. 'Oh god, they're really going to do it this time. They're going to fucking murder me.' He could see it in their determined brows, and cold gazes.

He breaks. He can only try to preserve his life, even if it doesn't preserve his double life.

"Mom! Dad! It's me!" He flickers back to his human self, even the few seconds tainting his blood with flecks of red, shifting back again even quicker to keep his advanced healing up. "I know it's hard to understand, but I'm a half ghost and I'm kinda sorta dead but I'm still the same Danny and I still love stars and the color red and I'm still am the same Danny that you know somaybepleasedon'tkillme!" His breath was coming fast, lungs heaving for unexisting air and heartbeat quickening like a rabbit's.

Mom's face remained the same angry sneer, with Dad only wearing a shade of weariness.

"We've known Phantom. We've known for a real long while. We're not stupid." Mom's grip tightens on his broken ankle, pulling a whine from his throat. "You're corrupted. It was our fault for letting you around those nasty two, who egged you on, and our fault for not locking you out of the lab."

Jack clears his throat, adding on. "We thought that maybe since your accident was different than Vlad's, that you wouldn't decay as he did. His process was slow and tedious, everything about him was decaying at the same high rate-"

Danny gasps, "You guys knew about Vlad?"

Maddie growls and slams his leg into the wall to shut him up. "I know we tend to play dumb, but you think we would really abandon our friend for no reason?" Another eyeroll, "That's practically insulting."

Jack claims the conversation again. "Anyways, we had left him as he was because he was something new, something we thought, that was going to finally bridge the gap between human and ghost. But he got more and more sickly. His mind started breaking, he didnt have enough of a connection to the living world. So me and Madsy decided to try to help. It was agreed, I would get into a bit of a spat with Vlad, and pull away and stop visiting him, while Maddie would play up his crush on her before announcing our now blossomed relationship. It was a perfect recipe for the classic kill-replace-marry obsession. Then we stayed back and waited. But, it seemed he immediately went off the deep end. The only reason we didn't do anything was because we were soft. We felt bad. So we left him and only really checked up on his status intermittently."

Danny stared in horror. They had both manipulated and used Vlad like a puppet. This whole time he was singing and dancing to their tune, and they just let him go rage-drunk and wreck havoc on the human realm due to having an unfulfilled and erratic obsession! It was truly inhumane and disturbing. Every ghost knew to never manipulate someone's obsession, to never mess with it. It was a ghost's tether to the living realm and was the pillar for a ghost's core!

But on went Maddie, unseeing or simply uncaring of Danny's reaction to such statements. "But when we realized what happened to you, we assumed that you would be better. You had immediately changed. You weren't slowly dying, slowly decaying! So we assumed that you were lucky. We went soft, and went easy on you. You even ran around saving the town! You didn't need an obsession to live! You were a perfect halfa. Vlad was just a ball of unhealthy obsessions in every aspect of his life, yet here we had our ultimate halfling, no obsession, no monstrousness, no ghost likely behavior." Maddie seems to perk up talking about his perfections before glowering at him. "But then a month and a half ago, you started a uptick in you passion for space, then adding on an extra obsession for bowling, then everything you ate had to have apples in it, then you stayed longer in your ghost form, performing mindless tricks in front of the crowd when you didnt have heroic duties, then you were missing days of school, coming back with snowflakes on your shoulders and ice on your shoes from the ghostzone. We first thought that this was normal teenage obsessions and rebellions, but then your eyes would flicker red, and your teeth got a little to sharp, then your hair started flickering and your skin got colder and turned more and more hypothermic blues. You were decaying. You are decaying." She bitterly looks away. "A failure. Once we dispatch you, we'll do what we should have done long ago, and track down Vlad to put an end to his miserable half life."

Her knife hovered above the young halfling's throat. His eyes were wide with panic, the emotion fueling his transformations as his skin fully turned blue and his eyes kept flickering between green and red. There were tears in his eyes that shone green and his wide pupils flinched away from her for a second before letting out a melodic pitched scream, his voice not hurting her, but instead filling her head with urgency and an undesirable need to stop what she was doing. Jack lets go of him and Maddie felt herself lower her knife. What was this feeling? Was it like some self defensive ghostly wail?

Danny closes his mouth In shock and scrambles up to cling to some pipes on the wall in a desperate attempt to climb away. When Maddy feels his leg leave her grasp, she shudders and regains her sense of reality.

"GET HERE YOU MISERABLE LITTLE CREATURE! YOU DARE TRY TO FUCK WITH MY HEAD? HOW DARE YOU!" She pulls him back down and slices at his chest. 'Ironic,' she thinks to herself, 'that we brought all this gear yet all we needed was just a silly knife!'

#danny phantom #danny fenton #dannymay #dannymay2020 #phantom #maddie fenton #madison fenton #jack fenton #fenton #corruption #ectoknife ectoblood #tw blood #blood #stab wound #knives #trigger warning

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dailyaudiobible · 4 years

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10/29/2020 DAB Transcript

Lamentation 1:1-2:22, Philemon 1:1-25, Psalms 101:1-8, Proverbs 26:20

Today is the 29th day of October welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I'm Brian it is wonderful to be here with you today as we continue the journey. And this is kind of a special day, doesn't happen too often where we are beginning new territory in both Old and new Testaments. So, in the Old Testament we’re about to move into the book of Lamentations and then we get to the New Testament we will be encountering the final of the Pauline material in the New Testament, the final letter of Paul to Philemon. And we'll talk about that when we get there. But since we’re at the beginning and we’re going into Lamentations…Lamentations let’s just orient ourselves because this is a different kind of territory than we've…we've really been in before.

Introduction to Lamentations:

And lamenting isn't something that we…well…it’s probably not even a word we use that often and it's certainly not something we are on a waiting list to get into usually, although lamenting and having language for what is brought up when we are lamenting is very important for our lives. So, basically as we move into Lamentations, we’ll find poetic language. Lamentations is essentially five poems, poems of sadness, poems of lament, the kind of gut-wrenching things that are almost beyond words. And in specific here, these laments come out of the realization that Jerusalem is gone. Like God's holy city, the temple of the most-high God, it's conquered and burned and destroyed and it's not something that’s just being heard from far away and, you know, like suffering in a land far away where you just kind of shake your head and go, “that is so sad”, and even pray that the Lord have mercy but we don't really have an actual connection to what's going on. But in this case, it's like the smoke is still rising from the burned-up city and ashes everywhere and the blood of the slain is still visible. In Hebrew, this this book Lamentations is called Ica, which means “how”. Like how can this happen? And we know how it could happen. The Babylonians finally broke down the wall and broke into the city and destroyed it. That's how it could happen but it's a deeper question than that, right? When we find out like our lives have been turned upside down sometimes, we have those questions, “how could this happen?” And we may understand the process, like the circumstances that coalesced together to bring such pain, but just knowing the parameters you still have that deeper, deeper heart cry, “how? How can this happen?” And that brings up even more grief because how it could happen was really what we read about all through the book of Jeremiah. For decades the prophet was warning that this could happen that this will happen if there isn't a change. And, so, now as we move into Lamentations those prophecies have become realities. And limitations doesn't self-reveal the author inside of the text. Traditionally it…it's attributed to Jeremiah. He was the one that was in Jerusalem prophesying before there was even an inkling that this would happen. He was saying this is coming and all during it he was speaking. And, so, this is one of the reasons why Lamentations follows Jeremiah in the Bible because it's thought that Jeremiah wrote these words of lament. This whole story had been his whole prophetic ministry, his entire prophetic life. But…but scholar’s debate this like everything else. And, so, there's plenty of compelling theories that…that would name Jeremiah as the author but there's lots of compelling reasons why he couldn’t be the author. But the one thing that everybody does agree on is that whoever wrote Lamentations probably saw what they were talking about, probably felt what they were saying. They were an eyewitness to the destruction of life as it had been known. And, so, the Babylonians conquered and then leveled Jerusalem, and this is in 586 B.C. And it's likely than that these words of lament, they’re fresh words, that they came soon after that. And even today in the Hebrew culture on the ninth day Ov Lamentations is read. It’s a day a fasting. It's…it's…it's the commemoration of the fall of Jerusalem. And it still matters in the culture today. And the reading of each of the poems then gives a backdrop for lament, for deep personal heart wrenching honest reflection. And sometimes we have to go there. It's the place we avoid, but as we've seen, Job brought us through some of this territory, Ecclesiastes brought us through some of this territory and Lamentations will. And, so, we could say that this is a…the Bible spends a lot of time in this portion of life, the lower, the darker places of life. They must matter. They must not be there to avoid. They must be there to embrace because in those places we actually find the truth, the truth about our faith, the truth about ourselves, the truth about our convictions, the truth, the truth about our beliefs. It's in those places that we find out what's really real. And that’s hard and I hate that too, but we have a tendency to say the right things but not actually be able to live into the right things. And Lamentations, this language, going into the depths of our hearts and facing what's there, that's what brings what we do and what we say together into a cohesive conviction that we live. Because when we’re grieving, like when we’re crying out, there really aren't words. Have you ever been in that place where you might've said everything you could say? It wasn't enough and so you sit in silence and it's just very, very painful or you just cry because the words aren't there. But then later after that’s done, like after you've emptied that out for a while then there's a calm that comes after that, right, sort of a sense of peace. The whole thing hasn't fixed itself but there's this sense that we've released something and we’re in this space and there’s a bit of calm because we’ve released something, we’re being washed, its cleaning, it's clearing, it…it…it strips us down. Like, it takes all the varnish off and gets down to the wood. It sands off all the paint and gets us down to the wood. It strips away everything that isn’t bedrock. And…yeah…I …t's intensely…intensely painful, but it's also unbelievably freeing. Like when we’re at the bottom in the depths of our own sadness then there's hope there. It’s that calm we feel even in the midst of it all. And lamenting gives language to that suffering and it helps us let go, it helps us name things and see them and let them go. And, so, the backdrop here is certainly going to be a terrible destruction of Jerusalem and the complete upheaval of the people, but as we go into this we just have to think, “what is our Jerusalem? Like what is that place in us as we give language to this kind of suffering?” And, so, we’re reading from the English Standard Version this week. Lamentations chapters 1 and 2.

Introduction to Philemon:

Okay. So, now we’re moving into the New Testament and we’ve got this second…second writing that we’re gonna enter into today. And actually, we’re gonna enter into it and complete it in one day, and in one reading. It's…it's a note and it’s the final of Paul or the Pauline corpus, the Pauline material that’s in the Bible. And this letter to Philemon, it’s…it's a personal letter to a man named Philemon. And just about all biblical scholars are on the same page. This is an authentic…authentic letter of Paul, he wrote this. And Philemon, the one he is writing to, was…spear…appears to be one of the more wealthy and influential churchmen living in Colossae. I mean, according to the…the letter itself, there's a congregation that met in Philemon’s home. And Philemon had a servant and that the servant's name was Onesimus and Onesimus ran away from Philemon and he was…he probably stole from Philemon in the process and these offenses were like…these were capital offenses punishable by death. So, Onesimus then fled. Don't know exactly his path, but he ended up in Rome and probably ended up in a big city to disappear. But as it turns out the apostle Paul happen to be in Rome too. And he wasn't there visiting. He was in prison awaiting trial. And just the beautiful serendipity of it all. Onesimus came in contact with Paul and became a follower of Jesus and then…then began to serve Paul in Rome and…and care for his needs while he was…while Paul was under arrest. So, then…then later, Paul, who wrote lots of letters…we’ve been reading his letters for a while now…wrote a letter to the church in Colossae, probably the one we know as Colossians. And he was going to send another helper Tychicus on the journey to hand-deliver it. And in the process of sending Tychicus to deliver Colossians to the church in Colossae he wrote a little note, a second little note, personal note to Philemon and then he sent Onesimus along with Tychicus back to his hometown and back to Philemon his master. And you can…you can imagine the position that put Onesimus in, like the kind of step of faith that he was gonna need to take because this…like his life could be taken. Like he could be executed for what he did. But Paul's imprisonment and the way Paul was…was preaching the gospel in spite of the predicament certainly had an influence on Onesimus who subsequently had to leave his life in God's hands in order to do the right thing. I think I should say that again. He had to leave his life in God's hands in order to do the right thing. And, so, even though this is just a note, even though we’re gonna read it right now and finish it today it does reveal a lot, the importance of forgiveness when you've been directly wronged. But then just a kind of reconfiguration of how it was that you were wronged because it shows that our authority over somebody else is never total and complete. And if they’re a believer in Christ then they are a brother, they are a sister in the family of God. But we also see in the story of Philemon and Onesimus a living example of God truly working things together for the good of those who love Him. And, so, we began and read in its entirety the letter to Philemon. And by the way, this does end Paul's letters. So, those of you that have the Daily Audio Bible app, etc. and are checking off your days as we listen to them then you’re gonna get the letters of Paul badge because we are completing that territory in the Scriptures today. So, let’s read Philemon.

Prayer:

Father we thank You for Your word. We thank You for this new territory that we are entering into, even as we reach the conclusion of another month. And we thank You for Lamentations. It's again, not the kind of thing we really think about as a…as a good cleansing clearing purifying thing, but as we go through this territory we ask Holy Spirit that You accompany us, that You lead us into whatever steps we need to go into and lament and let it out and allow Your healing balm to come into those places that have been sore and bruised and infected for so long and we've…we've crushed them down and hidden them in the dank basement of our life. And we don't go down there. But You’re inviting us and You are good and we trust You. And, so, Holy Spirit, accompany us, lead us where we need to go. We pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

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thatsweetsexypsychotroyotto · 5 years

Text

I'm Not a Bad Person- Chapter Four

SUMMARY: Troy Otto does have feelings you know. He's in the process of figuring them out; especially when it comes to his childhood friend, Jaymie. Whatever they are, they're rooted deep, and they're growing.

WARNINGS: Language, Warped thoughts, Violence.

WORD COUNT: Fuck if I know.

PAIRING: Troy Otto x OFC

AUTHOR'S NOTE: My plan is to follow along with the events of season 3, but with my OFC involved. I'll veer off plenty of times and probably switch shit up completely. Not sure yet. We'll be exploring different characters' POVs throughout the series. I'm not great at this writing thing but I try my best. Hope you like it enough. All characters except my OFC don't belong to me.

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Chapter 4

(Alicia's POV)

None of this would've happened if Nick hadn't left us to wander with the dead. Mom was on a mission to find him after that, even though it was clear he didn't want to be found; but we did- in a new world death camp lead by Troy Otto.

Don't get me wrong: I'm grateful to be reunited with my brother. I missed him. It's just that a lot happened while he was gone and, well, it would've been nice if he was there for us.

As much as Nick didn't want to be around the living, it turned out he had joined another community. It honestly hurt. Didn't he want to be away from people? He got so wrapped up with that group that he even ended up with a girlfriend.

Enough of these thoughts right now. They're not helping. I should be focusing on the task at hand.

Jake and I are heading to his ranch by foot now. We've been carrying Nick's unconscious girlfriend between us for the past few hours. I'm fucking exhausted. Everything about life is exhausting now. No use in complaining though. At least I'm not in Luciana's boots. She had been shot and was already in bad shape before the helicopter went down. I'm still shocked the three of us made it. I just hope we make it to the ranch in time. If anything, for Nick's sake.

Finally, our destination is in sight. A handful of people come to the gate to meet us; either to help or to find out what's going on. Jake and I carefully lay Luciana down so a red-haired man, who appears to be a medic, can check her vitals.

My thoughts wander again. I'm worried about my mom. How is she going to handle it when she sees Travis isn't with us? She's always been so strong; even through all of this mayhem with the dead rising. Will losing him break her? I guess I'm about to find out.

"Mom..."

I am given a quick hug and then I notice her looking down the road, expecting to see Travis lagging behind. "Where is he? Where is Trav?" Realizing he isn't coming, she asks once more, looking me in the eyes this time. "Where is he?"

"He," I hate this. "He's not-" I see it in her eyes. I don't need to say any more.

"No... No, no..."

"I'm sorry-" I cut myself off. Those words seem so pointless, though I mean them from the bottom of my heart.

Mom doesn't have time to mourn right now unfortunately. Here comes Nick, sprinting towards the scene. He goes straight to Luciana and kneels at her side. I see fear in his eyes.

"Luci.. Luci, hey.. Hey, it's Nick. Luci.."

"Not sure she can hear you," the medic tells him.

"What? What do you mean? Nick panics.

"She's not going to make it is what he means." That's an all too familiar voice- Troy fucking Otto.

"Help her!" Nick shouldn't even have to say that. They should be on it already.

"No. We take her to the infirmary, she may turn. It's against policy." I can't believe what I'm hearing right now. Why is this even up for debate? Luciana is still alive!

"It's your fault! You shot her!" Despite the fire in his voice, Nick sounds scared and helpless.

"I was defending my people. I'll do it again." Troy walks over to Luci while pulling out his pistol. "I know what to do."

"No no no no." Nick stands and puts himself between Troy and Luciana.

"This is how it has to be." Troy nonchalantly pushes Nick to the side. I can't believe what's unfolding in front of my eyes. Nothing feels real anymore. Why isn't anybody doing any-

"Troy!" A girl about my age approaches the scene, interrupting the tension. She gets close to Troy, and looking up at him with pleading eyes, she speaks quietly as if only to address him; though she can faintly be heard anyway. "This is one of those scenarios we talked about, ok? Do the right thing."

Troy mirrors her volume. "I am, Jaymie. I'm keeping you safe. I have to keep you- and everyone here, safe."

"But she could pull through, Troy. You know this isn't right. We should give her a chance."

"She's not worth the risk."

"What if, what if it was me laying there?"

The way he looked into her eyes was so intense. He went quiet; her words sinking in. After a brief moment though he swallowed hard and shook his head slightly.

"It isn't." Then Troy addresses Nick again. "Come on, out of the way. Move aside." He fails to heed the direction of this Jaymie girl. She looks more disappointed now than concerned for Luci's life as she was just moments ago.

Troy advances on his target.

"I'll do it." I barely heard him, but Nick said it twice. "I'll do it. I'm allowed this."

Troy contemplates Nick's words. He continues to stare down at the dying girl, his pistol ready to fire. I was stunned when he actually agreed.

"Troy wait-" Jaymie doesn't trust my brother. The transaction is already in progress though. Troy released the hammer of the gun and passed it over. Nick was now the one pointing the weapon at his girlfriend. There's no way he'll do this. I bet he's-

His arm raises, aiming the pistol directly at Troy's face. I knew it. The crowd reacts in gasps as a few others draw their own guns.

Jaymie doesn't hesitate to step in front of Troy. "Nick, please! Please don't do this!" Troy gently but hurriedly pushes Jaymie to the side and gives her a stern look. Her expression is one of utter desperation. "Nick, put the fucking gun down!" Tears form in her eyes. It's hard to believe someone actually cares this much about the guy.

"Let her in," Nick demands.

Jake has his own pistol trained on my brother. "Nick, this is not how we do things here."

Nick stares Troy dead in the eye, then changes his aim, putting Jaymie in the line of fire.

The color in Troy's face drains and his entire body language changes. He certainly didn't seem all that phased when the pistol was pointed at his self. "Whoa, hey, Nick, this is between you and me. So you keep that thing aimed at me, alright?"

Nick doesn't move it. "I said let her in."

With his unpatched eye trained on my brother's trigger finger, Troy cautiously reaches over to Jaymie, hoping like hell Nick won't pull the trigger. He guides the girl behind his body, shielding her. She is clearly against the idea, as she shows restraint, but Troy's grip on her is persistent. Unsure of what else to do, Jaymie wraps her arms around him, splaying one hand over his heart and the other on his stomach, like an instinct to protect his vitals, perhaps? Of course it would do no good since Nick is aiming for Troy's head anyway; that and her hands aren't going to stop a damn bullet. She doesn't seem that stupid, so maybe she's just grasping at straws.

"Nick, please. I'm begging you!" Jaymie's voice cracks as a tear runs down her cheek. "Don't do this!"

"Put the gun down, Nick." Mom's voice chimes in.

"Not this time."

More tears run down Jaymie's face upon hearing Nick's words. She attempts to hold in her sobs. If I'm being honest here, her reactions are breaking my heart. I actually feel bad for her. Too bad it's Troy she's defending.

"Do what your mommy says." Troy provokes Nick, who takes another couple angry steps towards him. Jaymie's hold on Troy tightens as she lets out a yelp.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Jeremiah steps between Troy and my brother. "Nick, Nick, easy there. Let, let me have the pistol, son."

It's Nick's turn to have a broken voice. "You can't let her die."

Jeremiah's voice is soothing. "If she's got a pulse, we'll let her in; but you got to give me the gun."

"Do it, Nick. Give him the gun," our mom encourages.

Nick reluctantly disengages the hammer and hands the gun over to Jeremiah. I look over at Jaymie to watch her let out the breath she had been holding, and the remainder of her tears fall. She rests her cheek against Troy's back, and moves her arms to wrap around him completely. He affectionately places his own hands on top of hers.

"Get her to the infirmary, and secure her before you treat her." Jeremiah gives the commands concerning Luci. "Everybody, that's enough fun. The show's over. Go back to what you were doing." At last, the crowd disperses.

"Everything's alright, Jayms." I hear Troy calming Jaymie as he turns around, interrupting their embrace. He then puts his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close, and guides her through the gate.

I have a feeling we'll be staying here awhile. Maybe befriending this Jaymie girl would be in our best interests. If anything, we could probably find out some useful information from her. I suppose I should wait for some of the emotional distress that my brother is responsible for to dissipate though. She was obviously terrified for Troy's life. What a sweet, foolish girl.

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#troy otto #troy otto fanfiction #fear the walking dead #fear the walking dead fanfiction #i'm not a bad person #daniel sharman #nick clark #frank dillane #alicia clark #alycia debnam carey #madison clark #kim dickens #jake otto #sam underwood #jeremiah otto #dayton callie #the walking dead universe #zombie genre

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