#well thats on me tbh and i need to distance myself from it if thats the case

[undyinglantern]

surprisingly not angry enough to delete the app but literally dont care anymore to play jp anymore im too tired i dont care anymore im taking a break

#thats it thats my final comment in case anybody's been wondering why theres been so little fgo on here lately #pumping myself up for 2-3 full years and getting more excited after how good 5 was and somehow 6 was even better #only to be let down by this pile of garbage. im to tired to badmouth them anymore literally who cares. who cares #not worth my time #i wouldnt say its falta de respeto because its not like i was ever actually owed anything but if the lack of respect is all i can feel #well thats on me tbh and i need to distance myself from it if thats the case #no point in sticking around for something thats no longer enjoyable

[hotchs-big-hands]

Today turned out to be Pretty Bad™ stuck down very awful bad memory lane and I just wanna clarify to ppl why I may not always answer dms/asks etc. I've only really told one person on here the big details about this, and I won't go into all the details here either but it'll be enough to explain why. I hope anyway. Idk why I'm doing this.

I'll give a quick tl;dr here because it is long and also goes into very triggering topics such as self harm/suicide.

Basically I used to have a very close best friend, who I'll call shithead, back in early 2018 until late 2022 who extremely manipulative, emotionally abusive and just very overall toxic. If you've ever seen me refer to a "shithead" in tags or whatever then its about the person imma talk abt here. I was essentially the person they turned to to talk them out of doing things to themselves, if you get me. As well as a lot of other stuff. Ended up getting therapy (but not for the right reasons tbh) and also got a bad coping mechanism where I tend to not talk to people, I keep my distance and its smth I wanna tackle but it's difficult. So if you haven't heard back from me it's not cuz I don't like you, I am fighting with my brain. Also I kinda question if I actually am a good person or not because of stuff that I did in retaliation to this person.

I'll get into details now under the cut but yeah don't read if self harm/suicide/toxic dynamics are something you don't want to hear about for whatever reason.

As above, in early 2018 I used to have a different fanfic blog for a different fandom. I won't go into detail about which fandom and what the blog was but it was fairly popular. This is how I came to be friends with them. And like at the beginning it was fucking great! We became fast friends and we had a lot of shared interests. They introduced me to a lot of games, TV shows etc. But that's also where the problems started.

They were one of those types of fans. The "very possessive over certain characters" type of fan. If they liked them and had a crush on them then you couldn't do the same cuz character belonged to them. Which at the time I didn't rly like but I used to be friends with someone in high school who was also like that about characters so I assumed it was just a thing ppl did. However, it escalated to if I had a character I liked then they'd for some reason not like them and in fact hated them. This was kinda draining cuz they never wanted to talk abt stuff I liked, without actually directly saying so. They'd just shit talk them the whole time or say they hate them. So I stopped talking about what I liked. Later, they'd suddenly really like said media or characters and only then was it fine to talk about them. But in turn they'd be possessive and if I said oh okay I'll step back from them they would make me feel like I was being stupid because "no they didn't say I couldn't like them".

Anyway thats not rly the worst of it of course, the actual bad stuff is now so again, final warning for self harm/suicide. Will square off the triggering sections.

*********************

They struggled with their mental health a lot. Like a lot. I'd be there for them to listen, offer help and support because I like to take care of ppl and make sure they'll be okay. Except it escalated to them using me to talk them out of harming themself and killing themself. And this was almost everyday/night. And need I just say they were an hour ahead of me as well btw. I went to university in 2019 originally and by December I was completely burnt out because I spent every day and night making sure they didn't fucking do anything to themself. I got at most 2-3 hours of sleep a night if I was lucky and I stopped doing my hobbies and uni work because I just had no drive to do them anymore. It was clear I was also suffering mentally. I was suicidal and thinking of harming myself as well (and unfortunately I did do so a couple times). But I prioritised them. Everything was triggering for them, and I mean that. I had a long list pinned to my wall of everything I was to avoid mentioning because it would trigger them.

They never took care about my own mental health btw, which I'm not saying they HAD to but I know it was because they just didn't care. And they said as much too. They said because they are autistic they have no empathy and therefore do not feel anything about my mental health. So I suffered basically alone.

*********************

I dropped out of uni in early 2020 and in fact went home the weekend lockdown began in the UK. Things were not good. I was still trying to be support for shithead, I went to therapy and started medication for the wrong reasons. I wanted to get better so I could take care of them. Which like. Never do that. Never go to therapy so you can be someone else's therapist. Go to therapy because YOU want to be better for YOURSELF.

We were in in a bigger friendship group spread across a few discord servers and they all broke down one way or another. One instance there was an argument between shithead and a bunch of others who were comparing who had it worse during ww2. The others were Americans but were also of Jewish heritage with family who were affected by the holocaust and shithead lives in a country near where the holocaust happened with relatives who went through a famine. Either way it was just not gonna be a good conversation. Shithead left, I stayed and like I already don't rly talk to people much in groups because its overwhelming but I did do a little bit. Someone who was friends with shithead and still in the server told shithead I was talking to the others and in turn I basically betrayed shithead. Hindsight I wish I had just left the server ages before and like maybe j shouldn't have talked to the others idk. I regret it either way and think abt it a lot.

Another few shitty things I did in response to how shithead would treat me is giving them the silent treatment, giving short answers etc. I wanted them to feel bad, but it would round back to me being told I'm a coward and horrible to them. Which maybe I was but frankly I was scared of them.

*********************

Things began to rly break down when they showed me their fresh self harm wounds, blood and all, because they were "bored". I didn't talk to them for a few days and their apology wasn't much of an apology, more just making excuses again (aka I have autism so it's not my fault). I started talking less and less because by this point my brain had had enough ig and began to close off from them and just ppl in general.

*********************

In 2022 I finally returned to university and thats also when I finally stopped talking to them. A few months ago I finally blocked them on everything. However, I still struggle with communication and don't rly do it much. It's difficult to maintain friendships and I don't trust easily. I plan on going back to therapy whenever i can because this is just unresolved. But yeah idk I'm sorry to everyone who I haven't responded to, or take a long time to respond to.

One thing that is good tho is that like, after shithead I didn't enjoy anything. I didn't rly watch or hyperfixate on anything. But last year around this time I came across an Aaron Hotchner x plus size reader fic and I've been obsessed with him since!! And now here we are, got a blog and everything for a fandom finally after so long :) so it's not all bad.

But yeah that's why I struggle keeping up with messages and asks. Idk if anyone is gonna read this but if you've read this far then thank you and you mean a lot. Big hugs to yawl and I hope yawl have a lovely day, and if not then please take it easy 💖💖💖💖

#vent post #tw vent #tw: self harm #tw suicide #tw self harm #a speaks

[cynmixandhisfixations]

yknow, maybe i should make an introductory post... well, eh, here we go.

i go by kieren and cinmyx [preferred names might change, still trying to figure out what im comfy with]

minor [jan 3], capricorn, genderfluid & bi w/ a male lean

mentally disabled, please be patient with me.

i only know english, but im learning spanish [and, hopefully, japanese in the future.

hoping to be a v-tuber in the future [preferably with niji, but we'll see where everything ends up]

now some other stuff ig;

this acc is specifically for nijisanji en, but it's a fixation that comes & goes so activity will be inconsistent.

writer for several years, i plan to post fanfics on here [will most likely be oneshots only, though]

^ writing asks are open [please god i need ideas]

im ok with interactions & asks [i love asks actually, pls do send some], dms are iffy but i'll try to reply

oshis;

um... i love all the guys tbh.

k fr oshis are uki violeta, shu yamino, sonny brisko, doppio dropscythe & ver vermillion.

^ also a big shxtou & merryweather fan!

i got into niji around noctyx's debut [i think.]

and... ig that's all? that's all that's important atleast. anyway, some other stuff im into [if youre interested in that]

im big into fashion of all kinds [especially gothic fashion, you can probably tell that though]

like i said earlier, id love to be a vtuber someday

i really like genshin impact & team fortress 2 as well, but i wont be posting about that on here [happily willing to talk about them with u tho]

i love cats, i have 7, kitties are everything to me

horror is my shit. i love psychological horror so much, and that will probably be shining through in some of my fics

yes i have twitter, i am slowly but surely distancing myself from that nightmarish app

anyway thats all i think... yeah um, bye i guess, hope you enjoy my insane rambling that's inevitably going to come

credits to @/magicalboything [link to post] for the divider.

#nijisanji en #introduction post #intro post #blog intro #how do i tag this shit #nijisanji

[mysterious-desi-blog]

So there is this guy I have a huge crush on. I've had it for over a year now. He's a really good friend of mine. But we're polar opposites. he's the popular kid everybody has a crush on, and I am a nerd who does her own shit with earphones on in the corner of the classroom. And somehow we're both still the part of the same friend group. And we're good friends too. Like we both follow each other's public as well as private insta accounts. And I have a HUUUUUUUGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEE crush on him. like just the thought of him makes me feel so many things. But he doesn't feel the same about me. I know that because he has a crush on this other girl in our class. And tbh, I don't want to get with him. Because from what i've seen and heard, dating within the friend group never ends well. Plus 12th grade is over and we won't be seeing each other anymore, unless we plan to do a meet up before going to college. We do sometimes talk through text. But not much. Anyway, so getting with him won't make sense anyway cuz long distances don't last either. At least not when it's a new relationship. But as I said earlier, I have a gigantic crush on him. and I can't stop thinking about him. I can't focus on shit and I really really miss him so much. And I think I need closure. So I was thinking about confessing to him but when I consulted some of my other friends, they all said it was a super duper ultrasonic pro max level bad idea. And they're probably right. I wanted to consult my best friend about this situation but we're not currently talking (which is a story for another time) so now I feel marooned and I don't know what to do about it. Because I just can't stop thinking about him.

Also, is it ok if I tag myself as "🦋anon"?

hi, marooned? thats a slay song btw and also, you should confess. idk if its just me but you should tell him how you feel. you are going different ways anyway so whats the harm in it

go for it, im rooting for you

#asks #mod love

[myescapediary]

Another update:

I decide to update my tumblr whenever i’m really sad and cant process what im feeing or thinking so this might be type long so ill break it down. where do I even start?? Its been two months and four days since I came on here. Based off my last update um...

RU update:

there is five weeks left of the semester!! Crazy how fast time flew by, its been ok haven’t make friends tbh but hopefully next semester is different. I am nervous about finals and I still haven’t paid off my tuition.. I also have my internship placement interview that I am so nervous about. I hope i do good and i am just so excited and scared at the same time. 

New job: 

I got a job!! I work at a Physical Therapy clinic and its been good so far, way different from my last job. Although i only work two days bcs of school, i am so ready to be full time once the semester is over. I am tired of not having money and i need to pay off my credit cards smh. 

Social Life: lmao might have to break this one down too... 

lets start of with Franco: that was a nice time, distanced myself bcs he was giving bf vibes and wanting a relationship, not what i want.. DV: um with this one.. said i was going to exchange my gifts and then cut him off.. well, his gifts are still sitting in my room LMAO! Idk whats going on with that, i just been avoiding him, he gives me an ick now... J: still around, it’s been really weird, idk why. He stood at my house for two days then his “girl” came to my house and confronted him about him staying here since he lied and she thinks i’m not in his life anymore, welp he went home the following day. He says he wants nothing w her but i’m sure he does, he prob just doesn’t want to be the first one to get into a relationship. Now lets talk about the one thats been taking a toll on me for no fucking reason... 

JZ, ok well from last update i seen him at esquina was awkward. Fast forward to 3/10, went to B’s bday party. Me and JZ spoke shit out like fr we kept it cool and it was nice getting the closure I needed, told him how i never wanted a relationship with him etc. I also mentioned how he blocked me from viewing his stories and him viewing mine. Mind you i’m not even that lit bcs i didn't want to do anything stupid since this is the first time being around him since brunch lmao. Night goes on, we dancing then i’m dancing on him cus why not and i notice he keeps staring at my lips and i eventually play dumb and let him kiss me =, first time i backed off second time we made out for like 2 seconds LMAO. Ok, i then let him be and distance myself, I notice B wants to get with him so i’m avoiding them although he isn't fully paying attention to her, fast forward, we end up getting kicked out and we going home. B is in the car w me asking for JZ and how she wants him to take her home and how he “kissed her”. ok anyways, he doesn’t take her home and she lied about that and he told everyone he only kissed me cool. I obv felt a type of way seeing them bcs idk why he got me feeling like this for him, when he doesn’t do shit bruh. Following day we go to Scarlet’s and B is with him and i was like great.. they was always together and i was lowkey hurt, why idk but I was. I just hoped she wasn’t going to NYC with us too.. 

Ok we go to NYC with the boys for St.Pattys day, its me ad libi and the guys from brunch... off the bat Jacob is being an asshole and bringing brunch up all the time, found out that I was crying for JZ that day of brunch like wtf?? ad to play it off like i remembered that LMAO. Ok, i avoid JZ all night then remembered the following day going up to him and my dumbass being drunk bringing up B to him talking about some, i’m not dumb you want her and he’s like no I want u and i’m like you’re not acting like it and thats all I remembered. He been watching my ig stories since B’s bday but idk my dumbass always does some dumb shit to push him off. I think its the thought of him not wanting me what kills me, like wtf? Following day all his boys said how they would get with me and how i’m bad like wtf let me heal you from your ex?? LMAOO JK. But that was another story, they prob think i’m easy after brunch but hell na, jacob was buggin and swears. Ok well that was on 3/18 and I haven’t seen him since. 

I am just driven by the fact he doesn’t want me ig? but then he goes kissing me and saying he wants me? is he that much of a bitch? like I don’t understand fr and me wanting answers makes me want him more and honestly he isn’t even that cute, well he is but like for me to be this “obsessed”. He def needs healing from his ex bcs he be liking sad shit and how he can’t trust females.. He is just such a cool person and his vibes are it, his style and the way he talks god. I don’t know what JZ did to me but he got me going through it without doing anything bruh. No need for me to feel this way. And the fact he knows i’m down bad for him prob gives him an ick and i see why but i try to avoid him and be cool but i fuck it up somehow. I clearly can’t drink when i’m around him. I just wished he was open to getting to know me and not making it weird. But yeah, that’s mainly what’s been making me upset,I was over the thought of him till i was around him for 2 weekends straight. They talking about NYC next weekend and staying over there, idk if he’s going and idk if B is going. If she goes that shit gonna blow mine but we’ll see. 

I should be doing homework but here’s me writing a whole book lol.

March 25, 2023 

4:19pm 

[kalloway]

|| Kalloway’s 2019 Summary of Art ||

Highly recommend you just view this on my deviantart instead 8D

I also linked to every single artwork on this so you can view it better!

Not sure I’d say I improved much this year in a general sense, but I’m definitely overall happier with most of my work! It’s all v self indulgent, but tbf I had way too much time on my hands this year.

This was p much the ‘Year of Levi’ for me, since I got back into AoT after like 5 years lmao

Except now I’m being a slut for JJBA so that’s probs how my new year is gonna start. Sorry, love.

#art summary #summary of art #summary of 2019 #gosh now if only you guys could realize just how much I wrote on the side too #maybe I'd view it less like being 'unproductive' and realize I just need to let myself be passionate about things lmao #man do u ever just totally lose track of time #like things that u did only a week or two ago feel like 4 months ago? #thats me but constantly #im just glad im back in a house with our stuff again after like 7 months without #tbh I did more RWBY stuff this year even tho im trying to distance myself from it #but I think when manually backing things up I just??? forgot to do that folder?? #cuz im missing a LOT of stuff lmao #oh well

[superhero--imagines]

* There’s so many ways this can go

* But I bet you’d meet him when you moved into his apartment building

* It’s in this -for lack of better words- shitty building in Gotham

* But it’s the best you could do with your budget, plus it’s the only building with a gate

* Not that it means much in Gotham, but something is better than nothing

* (Also if you have a pet/dog, they aren’t charging a pet deposit)

* Jason is someone who lives on the same floor, either next to you or across from you.

* I’ve got two headcanons about neighbor!Jason

* He’s either a friendly neighbor who engages you in small talk whenever you run into each other

* Or he’s incredibly reserved, you hardly ever see him and when you do he enters and leaves his apartment so quick you can’t get a word in

* Overall you don’t really talk to him much

* Honestly you’re probably a little intimidated by him

* He’s like 6’0 and 250 pounds of muscle

* He’s also a beautiful man, so you’re also a bit intimidated by how you’re attracted to him

* Jason barely registers that you’re his neighbor tbh

* So many people filter in and out of these apartments he’s stopped forcing himself to remember their names

* He only notices you when Dick is with him at some point, helping him carry some things from Bruce’s mansion

* “I’m starting to think you’re pretending to need help so you aren’t suffering alone”

* “It took you this long to realize that?”

* You come back from work at this point, in your cutest outfit, you’d had a good day so far

* Riding the wave of confidence you wave at them before disappearing into your apartment

* “They’re pretty cute” Dick whistles, and Jason looks to where you stood

* “I guess” well you did have a pretty face, and every once in a while he can hear your music from his apartment

* It’s always lo-fi beats or something relaxing

* it’s kind of cute too

* “Do they live alone?” Dick asks, and Jason shrugs

* You’re pretty quite, not many visitors, he likes that. The less people around the better

* “I think they have a dog.” He recalls seeing you walk a dog early in the morning, slightly concerned, this is Gotham after all

* “So no boyfriend?” Jason raises an eyebrow

* “Please don’t date my neighbor Dick.”

* “Why, do you want to be their boyfriend?”

* He shoves another box into Dick’s arms to get him to shut up

* Jason notices you a bit more after that, he notices you when you’re at the mailbox getting your mail, or when you’re climbing up the stairs with bags full of groceries

* Unfortunately everytime he sees you it’s followed with “oh, it’s that person that Dick thinks is cute.”

* Which usually makes him grimace.

* One day though, as he’s getting mail he notices a few of the letters he has have your name on them

* Looks like the mail person got the unit numbers wrong

* He sighs, more human interaction he doesn’t really want

* He’s considering just waiting for the post office worker tomorrow so he can slip it in your box, when he sees you in front of your door

* “Hey, I got your mail by accident” he says, sticking out the package. You grasp it with both hands

* Jason can’t help but think about how small your hands are compared to his

* well, someone would surely find that a little cute

* He doesn’t realize he’s staring until a finger digs into the corner, ripping open the plastic.

* “Oh cool, I’ve been waiting for the book for a while, thanks so much!”

* The smile you give him should be illegal

* He can feel his face grow hot, as he nods

* “N-no problem” he mumbles, escaping into apartment.

* It doesn’t really bother you, you go into your own apartment, excited to start your new book

* The back of Jason’s head rests against his front door

* Okay he gets it now, yeah you are pretty cute

* After that things get a bit smoother between you two

* “Is that a new book?”

* “Yeah, I picked it up on my way home, I’ve been meaning to read it for a while”

* “That ones okay, but I like the one the author wrote before better.”

* Jason’s pretty well read, so you two end up mostly talking about books

* “If you want I can write you some recommendations”

* “Sure I would love that!”

* And here comes that smile again, Jason’s not a Virgin, so he doesn’t understand why every time you smile his face erupt into flames and he can’t think right

* “I’ll leave it on your door later”

* Talking about books turns into trading books

* “Hey, you wanted to read Murakami’s short stories right?”

* “Oh, Thank you! Also I got your mail haha!”

* Jason’s starting to wonder if the postal worker is trying to set you both up

* “Hey, are you feeling okay?”

* Jason’s really not

* “I’m just a little tired”

* Just then a cough escapes him

* God dammit

* “Do you want to come in? I have some tea that might help”

* Tea does sound good, but he shouldn’t, adorable neighbor or not he should keep some distance

* “I also have some whisky, if you’re a believer in the medicinal effect of hot toddy’s.”

* Aw hell

* Thats how Jason finds himself in your apartment, sitting on your couch, looking at your rather impressive book collection

* He knew you liked to read, but he’s still impressed

* “Here.” You hand him his hot toddy and a coaster

* He takes a sip and grimaces

* “Are you trying to get me drunk?”

* Your face erupts in flames, you honestly weren’t. In truth you were expecting to get rejected. So to see him here, at your apartment, petting your (dog/cat/bird/etc) is pretty surprising

* “I’m kidding” Jason says, noticing you blush “I like them strong too”

* You’re a little nervous that things will get awkward, but Jason’s a pro at the art of conversation (when he wants to be)

* “You like Scott Fitzgerald?”

* From there the conversation falls into books, to music, to things that are deeper

* “I don’t know, I just thought I’d be further ahead by now yknow?” You say, leaning back in the arm chair.

* Jason’s sprawled out on the couch, no longer trying to make himself as small as possible

* “Where did you think you would be?”

* You’re both drinking straight whisky at this point

* “I don’t know, I just never pictured myself spending all my time at a job I hate. Living in an apartment where the floorboards are coming out, and the paint is falling off the ceiling”

* It’s true, the paint does fall off the ceiling. One time the drywall fell off in a clump and landed beside him when he was sleeping.

* “And honestly, I thought I’d at least have a boyfriend”

* Jason’s head pop up to look at you

* He can be your boyfriend

* The words are dancing on his tongue, but what comes out is:

* “Relationships are over rated, I haven’t dated anyone since 2016”

* “2018 for me,” you grin “I can’t tell if that makes me the winner or the loser though”

* You both laugh, and for a moment Jason thinks that you’re just like him, lonely in your own way

* Maybe you can make each other happy

* But he extinguishes the thought as soon as it comes to life

* He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable in your own home

* And as he takes another swig of whisky, he realizes he might be drunk

* So he lets himself laugh with you, excusing himself once it starts to get late.

* “Hey Jason, I realized I don’t have your number.”

* You give him your phone, and he has to try extra hard to make sure all the numbers are entered correctly

* “Cool, I’ll text you about what time is good for us to go to that book store you mentioned.” You say before closing the door behind you

* Jason doesn’t remember inviting you to his bookstore, but he still finds a grin curling onto his face

* You slide against your closed front door

* Your face is burning, and you feel way more embarrassed then you should

* He just looked so handsome when he was smiling, and he said he hadn’t dated anyone for even longer than you

* It doesn’t help that you had quite a few drinks, so you took a shot

* The worst that could happen was that you would have to laugh it off as wanting to be his friend

* Or wanting to know who his book supplier was

* Both were equally true

* You’re feeling even more embarrassed when you feel you phone buzz

* Jason: Do you have the weekend off? We could go then

#batman imagine #jason todd heacanon #jason todd imagine #jason todd x reader #the red hood x reader #the red hood imagine #batman imagines #superhero imagines #superhero fanfiction #dc comics imagine #bruce wayne imagine #superhero--imagines

[crisps-craft]

Hii! Hope you're having a great day. Just found out about your blog and would greatly appreciate it if you could do a tarot reading for me. I'm ZD (f) and I have a crush on A (m). We met online during the distance education period of the pandemic. My crush kinda died out with our communication some time ago and now that I see him irl regularly, it revived lol. The thing is we had separated quite well online and I thought we both would be very excited to see each other (which actually was something he himself had said before), but things are not how I imagined they would be. Though absolutely nothing negative happened, I find myself doubting if he even truly remembers me from our online classes. So, I was wondering what's going on in his head and heart about seeing me irl and what are his current feelings about me, whether he missed me or not and if he did why isn't he making a move, etc. If these are too many questions, I'm so sorry, just the first one would be more than enough. Thank you!!

hello! here's the messages i got:

8 of cups, fool, 6 of swords, 8 of wands, 4 of wands, 5 of pentacles, knight of wands

i think that during the pandemic, they might have been somewhat emotionally unavailable but also reckless? i dont know if that resonates or makes sense. their energy from this period in time is very messy, tbh - they were probably struggling with mental health issues a lot during that time. i think that, since that point, they are trying to just figure themselves out. they are trying to clean the mess that they became and focus more on themselves? thats the vibe im getting. im getting the message that they might have been really self destructive, reckless, doing things they normally wouldnt (i keep getting this image of them partying or trying to numb themselves through excitement idk if that resonates) during that time period and now they are healing and on the road to grounding themselves again. i think that they are trying to be careful with you- they dont want to drag you through the mud and make you go through their mess, too. i can tell that they care about you, there are no negative feelings. i just think that they fear hurting you and that they are also trying to figure their own stuff out right now. i got the message "picking up pieces of the mess i made". i would recommend being a good friend to them, support their growth, etc. they will really appreciate that because they need stability in their life right now.

i hope that resonated and i wish you the best <3 remember, tarot isnt always 100% accurate but i hope this could help. also, feedback is always appreciated i want to know if this was accurate or not.

#divination #free tarot card readings #tarot card readings #tarot cards #witchblr

[irameii]

HEATHER:||: ERIC

Warnings:|| one sided love

Summary: I wish I was her....

A laugh rings throughout the air. One so familiar, you cant help but smiling automatically at the sound. His presence, one that illuminates wherever he goes. Slowly turning around, there he is ,your best friend.

There it is , a smile, a gesture so simple yet it causes a million butterflies to flutter within you and causes your mind to go fuzzy. Its like he doesn't know his own charm or the control he has over you, but no one knows. No one knows the feelings you carry within.

(Idkh these pov thingys work yet sorryy)

Eric: y/n!!!!!!. Eric yells as he jogs closer, and grabs y/n's shoulder y/n: yes Eric?* deep breath* Eric: did you do the homework for math class? * Breathe* y/n: Yeah I did.I actually finished it before class ended yesterday. Eric: you're gonna let me see it right??? *heart beating gets louder* Take a step back Y/n : nope. You should've done it. *starts walking down the hall* Thinking he's wandered off you let out a deep sigh... Knowing if you let him beg enough youd cave in and you knew better. He would never learn this way.and soon enough you could see yourself falling farther and farther into his grasp over time and he didnt even know it. You let out one more sigh before turning around to see Kevin , who cant help but look at you concerned. Kevin: whats wrong y/n?

.. You avoid eye contact. Kevin is one of those people. Someone who can tell when someones upset. He can read you well. So you knew you had to leave quickly. Y/n: I didnt get much sleep last night. So I'm feeling quite off today, its nothing serious. *nervous laughter*

He seems to kind of believe it since he just nods his head as if he can see it apparent on your face.. But something feels off, like he's pretending to believe you for your sake but you just excuse yourself and head towards the bathroom.Totally unaware he hasnt stopped looking your way since turning around as he nods to himself again as if comfirming somthing to himself before turing to head to his own class.

Y/n Pov

*splash*

*in a quiet voice* 'Whats wrong with me..'.. Its like the moment I look at him I cant help it. My heart begins to race, my stomach ends up feeling funny like there are millions of butterflies, and I get nervous and run away each time he gets closer... *Looks back at self in mirror* only if he knew...

(5 min later.)

*sigh* *walks towards math*

Other POV

You sit down before class begins , and there it is again , his laughter, but this time its different. You cant help but turn around to see whats caused the change in his voice, and its like your throat gets caught. Her. The girl he always is talking to you about.It seems like he was finally able to build the courage to talk to her. The one he wants to take to the movies to see his favorite movies with. The one he wants to show his safe places to . The one who keeps him up at night. The one he wants to wear matching clothes with. The one he wants to spend his holidays with. Her. Its her. Guess he didn't need the homework anymore afterall.

You quickly turn back around , trying to keep your emotions in. You feel yourself go colder with each sound. A tightening feeling in your chest builds everytime you hear them laughing . You sigh and breathe in slowly , praying the class ends quickly .

The moment class ended you jolt up quckly and grab your things and head towards your locker for the next class.

Y/n Pov

*sigh* *grabs snack for break*

Eric:y/n!!!

I dont respond.

Eric:y/n? Whats wrong .*looks concerned*

There he goes again.

Nothing Eric i say. He looks in disbelief. Knowing theres something off.

Eric: hmmm.You sure sure?. Hmm Well lets go with the rest of the guys. They are waiting for us for sure. *wraps arm around shoulder*

It was like a sudden new reflex. I didnt mean to. But jerking away from him seemed like the only thing that my body felt like I should do...

The look of surprise on his face made me feel embarrassed I reacted that way. And as soon as it looked like he was going to ask me what was wrong again I speed down the hall.

And there I meet the rest of the guys , thankfully.

New: thank goodness you're here. Look help me out. Changmin keeps saying this chucky doll here is cute... Come get him .

I cant help but laugh. I take a seat next to Sangyeons right side while Juyeon is on my left.

Juyeon looks towards me as i sit and smiles that crescent moon kind of smile. Of course i return it .

Y/n: I dont know about chucky being cute. But his bride is quite a beauty tho.

New:..... You... You two are something else with your horror movies... Like... You know what, forget it. *laughs in defeat.*

Y/n: *dramatic gasps* my oh my you say that like WE'RE the weird ones.🙄👀

Sunwoo and Q: periodt👀👏

Eric finally arrives.

Eric: Guys!! Guess what?

Sunwoo: you did your math homework for once?

Eric:.... Mm well Uh no, i didnt

Sangyeon: you didnt ask y/n for the answers this time?

Eric: no i did, but she said no. I got it from. H/n (her name)

Hyunjae: so thats what it is. You spoke to her?

*breathe*

Eric: yes and guys, like, I think I've maybe got a chance.

There he goes again... Her. Its all her. JUST her...

Jacob: so did you ask her out?

Eric: yeah I did. I invited her to our movie night tonight. I was gonna ask you guys if you guys were cool with it beforehand but I didnt think I would must the courage to.

Juyeon: anything for you to get the girl. We got you

New: IF he gets her. She just doesnt know the headache she's in for.

Sangyeon: Guess all that practice on y/n was worth it.

Practice...

Thats all I was....

He says it smiling towards me , not knowing the hurt his words have just caused subconsciously but I cant smile. Not even a forced one. I just pretend I didnt heard him.

Eric: yeah she told me she actually thought I was dating y/n but of course I could never. We're like siblings.

Ouch...

New: true...

Q: I dont even think eric is y/n's type anyways

I make eye contact with someone who seems to have been watching my every move.

Kevin...

He looks like he is observing everything... From my reactions to my responses.After another 3 seconds he looks away.Not saying a word either.

Everyones laughing. Everyones congratulating him.

Younghoon:y/n?

Everyone turns to face me.oh .

Y/n: hm?

I was too lost in thought. I spaced out.

Sangyeon: What time are you coming by?

Y/n: for what?

Sunwoo: for the movie. We gotta all be Eric's wingman here. He needs all the help we can offer.

Oh.. She will be there too? Can I handle it? Yes? No? No I cant handle it

Y/n: Uh i cant . I have something that just came up. I just remembered.

I lied. And sure enough. I was seen through.

Eric: like what?

Y/n: something

Q: really? What is it? Maybe we can help you out so you can come by and hang out.

Something is snapping within me. I need to leave.

Y/n: no thanks. You guys have fun.

I get up before they give me a response. I cant be around them . not until i get over these feelings. But its harder than i thought. But i dont want to take it out on them either so I should try.

Everytime We'd see each other after that. It was HER. It was either him with her or about her.

Everytime in class, itd be HER.

Every text , HER.

And the guys went along with it.

And everytime , itd hurt. A punch to the heart. And a bit tighter it would feel each time.

And the constant reminder that its just HER and will always be HER..

only if he knew.. I wish I was her.... its like the way he'd talk about her was like he was telling you the reason for his existence, the way his eyes shined when hed see her and then theyd soften when she'd smile at him,the smile he'd have when hed describe her or simply talk about her and trust me he was always proud to, or the way he tried to contain his happiness when she'd come around to speak to him just showed me all i needed to know.

He loved her. She made him happy . Thats all that mattered.

I felt one of those sad smiles form. Because though he was happy . I was not. I dont want to be reminded its not me constantly..so with thaat thought. I call it quits. Until I no longer feel this feeling. I'll distance myself so I can let go properly and move on with time.

I suddenly stopped responding to the gc messages. Slowly started to decline to hang out. But it seems it wasn't a big deal though. She was there eveytime instead.She became apart of everything they did. And with that I started to spend all my time in the library as a way to naturally distance myself. The guys were worried at first. But once i told them I needed perfect scores to get into my dream college, they decided me spending most of my time in the library for it was alright. It was for my other "dream college" so I should put it first they said. For my future they said.And then they also suddenly stopped asking me to hang out.It didnt take long.They also suddenly stopped directing messages towards me in the gc. Personal messages as well. Slowly one by one. We stopped having things to talk about ,like we've become strangers with time.. Now to just glances every now and then, that was all. Other than that, we became just like strangers. Strangers with memories....

Suddenly..

Kevin: y/n...

*Distant laughter*

I turn to look at Kevin.Sensing he had something to say but it wouldnt come out. He looks towards the table and I follow his gaze towards the table full of boys with her in it. I can only smile. I smile when they errupt with laughter at something new and sunwoo said. Happy they're happy. And with that I turn back to Kevin.

I can only smile at Kevin. No words. Just a smile.

The look on his face says he has something to say still present.

For the past 6 months. He would have that same look on his face when I'd walk past him. But hes never actually stopped me.

Kevin: y/n...

And just like that . Suddenly I'm wrapped in a warmth I didnt think I missed. And it's like it went quiet..and the sound of sniffling fills my ears , and his hold gets tighter. Oh Kevin..

THE END.

Authors note: Maybe I can male a Pt2? This one turned out bad tbh .

I did not edit this but i will later onnnn thank youuuuuu

#the boyz scenario #the boyz eric #the boyz #the boyz oneshots #the boyz angst #the boyz onesided love #the boyz kevin

[mousepal-archive]

you can ignore this mutuals

im actually really annoyed right now tbh. im very angry because i have friends and loved ones that are csa victims i know people who have been thru sexual violence and sexual abuse. grooming is when a predator specifically tries to get close to a minor in order to sexually take advantage of them. It is intentional and it is purposeful.

when me and cameron met yes he was a minor and i was an adult but all we did was play video games. it was mostly me, our other friend who was around my age, and dante all playing overwatch together. you can ask dante, scout, phillip, joseph. i was never inappropriate with any of the minors i played video games with. being an adult and playing video games with minors does not make me a predator and it doesnt mean i groomed cameron. i played with cameron and his uncle countless times. you can ask uncle joe if you think i was grooming cameron or being inappropriate. im pretty sure the majority of the time i knew cameron before we were together i identified as a lesbian as well, I was NOT interested in cameron in that way, we were literally just friends.

once we got together (i met his family before that) i agreed we could have an open relationship. after time we got serious so i asked if we could be a closed relationship. basically the next two years was him fucking other girls while i cried until 7am and lashing out becuz i was unable to stop him from cheating on me and neither of us could end the relationship. not gonna go into details or talk about specific events its very triggering and slightly traumatic for me. i dont need to explain or defend it. numerous mutual old friends of ours helped me come to terms with everything and see that the mistreatment wasnt ok. cameron has admitted as well that the way he treated me wasnt right. so im sorry but i did not have the power or autonomy to be sexually taking advantage of cameron in that kind of (very long distance) relationship.

but its ok, its over. i also was very toxic and did so many things im not proud of. i was suffering mentally so badly and used that to try and manipulate what i wanted, tried to guilt trip and deluded myself into thinking it was healthy. our relationship was toxic from both sides to both sides. but i never sexually abused cameron. i never groomed him. im not a pedophile. i forgive you both and i forgive myself for everything thats happened up until now all the hurt and terrible things. i just want to blog and live my life and focus on my ed recovery. but please stop lying and saying im a pedophile. only for the sake of actual csa victims please its incredibly insulting and pretty fucked up.

[jus-tea]

Going to explain a little about the Miss Rhona lyrics, what inspired different aspects etc, as I’ve seen a lot of people speculating over it, and coming up with their own ideas (which I fully support!) but for those who are curious...

1st Stanza

“Daddy’s at the food store” So, when this was written, myself, my partner, and seemingly everyone was spending so much time going from supermarket to supermarket trying to find the basics, the essentials. Pasta, flour, sugar etc were sold out seemingly everywhere. The weekend just before this was written he’d lined up for half an hour before Costco opened to ensure he acquired some toilet paper- which seemed impossible to get ANYWHERE. I had colleagues who sent their adult children to shops everyday (they couldn’t cause they were at work) to try to find toilet paper somewhere. We ran out at work, and ended up with tissues. People, generally, were spending so much more time trying to find essentials at supermarkets. It’s not nearly as bad now, but just over a month ago when I wrote this it felt like a big issue. Also, “food store”?! NO ONE HAS CALLED ME OUT ON THIS which I find so weird because no one actually says, “food store”?! What a weird expression! So why did I use it? Well! Initially I thought “cost-co” but didn’t use it because I wanted the rhyme to appeal more universally. And we only got a Costco in my city a few years ago and I know plenty of places in the world don’t have one so... I thought maybe supermarket? But thought maybe they didn’t call them that in other countries- market? Market sounded so strange as it’s really only fresh fruit and veggies we get in our local markets here (in my part of the world) and didnt fit with the image I was trying to create and besides all our markets were cancelled as they were too crowded.. so “food store” was initially just a place-hold. I still can’t believe literally no one has said “hey wtf is up with “food store? No one says that” but there you go. It’s in literally every version ive seen as that so... that’s what it is now. So, that line about the food store and collated with the next line, “mummy’s our of town- she’s working at the hospital” was based on news articles I’d read about doctors having to isolate themselves from their families by sleeping either at hospital or in their garage. People who couldn’t see their kids for ages, it was really sad! And then combining these lines, it’s about how these little kids for the first time really are sometimes being left home alone because their parents have stuff they *have* to do; get food or work, and lots of kids these days don’t get left home alone anymore, it was common when I was little but not for a long time! But seemingly suddenly with this pandemic it’s happening again. And I hadn’t seen that talked about but I was seeing glimpses of it and it, felt weird? I guess? So that made for the perfect beginning to a covid19 nursery rhyme- a kid getting left home alone a lot and not being really sure how to respond to that.

So, with the hide away lines, there’s 3 stanzas and in each miss Rhona gets closer. The first one is she’s “come to town”. Now I remember that feeling on that day learning that the first coronavirus case had occurred in my city. Up until then there was a bit of a sense of dread, like you knew it was everywhere else, then in the news it got closer and closer, with cases in small country towns nearby. But when it got to my city it was suddenly so real. And that’s where the story starts because Miss Rhona was HERE. She arrived in the kid’s town. The line, “she’s come to take us down” is another way of saying “she’s going to get you” and also links to the final line which reveals her success “she took us down/she’s brought us down”.

2nd stanza

So, she goes from being in town to being “at the doorstep” which represents getting closer- being in those people the child might interact with everyday- and imagined more literally in the postal worker delivering a package (actually ON the doorstep) or food delivery or anyone who they’d still have close contact with. But “I’ll keep 6 feet away” is a self reassurance that if they just do the right thing and keep their distance everything will be ok. But then the conflict! Grandma needs toilet paper, EVERYONE needs toilet paper and no one can get it anywhere! No doubt the dad is our trying to find some more while he’s at the “food store”. And I was thinking... my children’s grandmother lives in a different state to us but if we were in the same one you can bet your life id be out dropping essentials at her doorstep whenever I could- tp included. (Although, tbh the tp issue didn’t seem as bad in her state from what she told me) so in this bit I guess I imagined myself as the child because that would be something important to me, to make sure my elders had their essentials. Idk I tried to help where I could, got baby wipes when I found it for a friend with a newborn, stuff like that. So the conflict is the child’s sense of responsibility ensuring their grandmother has what she needs, while also knowing that the coronavirus, Miss Rhona, could reside in anyone they meet along the way. Kind of like a little red riding hood situation linking the dangers of strangers. So they open the door due to this sense of responsibility and, oh no, Miss Rhona was at the doorstep, remember? Now the child has it too; “Miss Rhona’s come to stay” IN THE CHILD. This line was to use the imagery of Miss Rhona coming to stay with the child at their house, like an aunt might come to visit for the weekend, but symbolises the virus coming to live within the child, they’ve caught it now, which is why they definitely, “can’t come out to play”.

Stanza 3

“But grandma needs the paper” that’s where the conflict arises again- the child’s sense of responsibility, maybe guilt even? Overshadowing their understanding of just how serious the virus would be should their grandmother catch it. They’re just a kid remember? They don’t understand. So they take her some anyway, everyone needs toilet paper! Also, I know that phrasing it as such misleads the listener to think about a newspaper. Thats how we talk, “I’ll get the paper!” My dad says ... often. But, 2 things, it rolls off the tongue easier than “grandma needs toilet paper” which would’ve messed up the rhythm anyway, and also, for anyone who’s lived it you would automatically know about the “great toilet paper shortage of 2020” 😅 there were so many memes about it and it was funny that everyone was obsessed with it but if you were one of those people who genuinely really couldn’t find any- and there were lots!- then it kind of sucked. And that’s a memory that’ll stick with you 🙈

So. The note. “And here’s a note from Rhona she wanted me to say” imagine the child at the grandmas doorstep, she’s bringing her tp (that’s nice) but the child is infected, and hands grandma a note. I imagined like a little filed up piece of paper in their back pocket they take out and hand over, to pass on the message from their aunt living in their house. As kids would do- what teacher hasn’t given their student a note and said “go tell mr x such and such” and the note is a reminder of what to say. But the note they hand over is also a metaphor. It symbolises contact between the grandmother and grandchild, and as grandma took it, she caught the virus too. And the note reads,

“Hide away, hide away, keep 6 feet away”

Which is that line repeated all the way through the rhyme. In the end, it’s what Miss Rhona was saying all along. Hide away children...

And the final line is a throwback to near the beginning, “she took us down” because earlier remember she came to “take us down” but now it’s happened and we’re in past tense. She did it. She took down the grandma, and possibly the child too, although I left that as ambiguous. To be taken down here is the symbol for death, of course. It’s pretty grim. But that was the point i suppose.

And that’s where it ends. Anything after that, while I’ve seen some adaptations made which sound really cool, doesn’t really make sense with the story, because they died in that moment. And continuing on after that seems a bit overkill, because I gues, perhaps symbolically at least, who would be able to continue singing the rhyme once they had already died?

But having said that, it’s still nice to see people get exited about it and want to contribute more lyrics too. Making up stories, songs, games, art in general, it’s a way we’ve found to cope i think? Like dark and morbid stories are a part of our culture because we respond to them. Lessons, feelings, etc. people far more articulate than I have explained before...

So. That’s Miss Rhona. This explanation was written really roughly and I apologise for that, but you get the gist. I strongly recommend for anyone who hasn’t already to check out the #miss Rhona recordings hashtag on my blog, because some of these melodies people have put to it are really beyond words. Dreamy, haunting. Peaceful. Childlike. Much more than the original chant-like skipping rhyme I originally envisaged.

Thanks for reading this far... please be safe and look after your grandmothers ❤️

#miss rhona discourse

[bigskydreaming]

Thank you again and still for all the help and support! I really truly can not imagine making it through the past couple days without it, considering I spent most of it awake and in the bathroom puking from the constant migraines that come with your head not being happy about its bones not being in the right place. Stress aggravates them, or at least my awareness of them, and because of how little work there is currently and how expensive being broke and disabled in LA is, let’s just say, there’s been stress, lol.

I’m feeling a bit better today, or at least I’m making myself pretend that and act like that since I’ve got another appointment at that clinic where I get my juicy and tasty IV bags of nutrients pumped into me since I barely even CAN eat, physically, which combined with the lack of sleep and the nausea, like, also not a great combination.

So, I mean it when I say your donations and support have absolutely been invaluable, everything from a couple dollars to an anonymous message, like, its all amazing and appreciated and invaluable. Yeah. I already said that, whoops, anyway, BUT I DIGRESS.

That’s about all of an update I have there, lol, so in other news, I should be around more today since like I said, I’m feeling a bit better and have possibly plateau-ed on this latest pain level. (My super-annoying superpower....ever since I was a kid I’ve been able to adapt to increases in pain like a pro. As in, being able to manage/function despite it. Course, I still feel it, but give me a day or two to adjust to a new norm in how much my body hates me currently, and then I can power through).

So, like I said, I should be around more today, and I’ll probably be random as hell. Like I’ve mentioned before, my blog is where I spew literally everything from inane thoughts to fandom feels, since its like.....my only social outlet these past couple years and the only way I get to interact with people who aren’t doctors. Expect no pattern in topics until I find whatever sticks and keeps me focused on it enough to serve as a distraction from, y’know, the broke body and broke bank account.

SO! Absolutely feel free to hit me up about anything and everything. ESPECIALLY if you’ve made a donation or sent me something. Like, I know some people who have sent money don’t even follow me or know me at all and are just generous spirits who saw my post somewhere, but for any of you who have sent any kind of support just cuz you like, like me and my rambles, lol, totally feel free to drop into my messages even on anon and say what kind of posts or content from me you really engage with and would love to see more of. I can’t make any promises or guarantees, unfortunately, given I didn’t expect or plan on crashing so hard these last couple days, bleh, and just....literally, like, writing more of the kind of stuff or posts people who have helped me stay alive is pretty much the only way I have of kinda giving at least something back, so I mean, I am happy to pounce on anything in that direction. 

Again, just can’t make any guarantees given how unpredictable my life is and depending on how many people send requests or prompts or messages, etc, but I don’t delete anything of that nature and I usually get back around to stuff EVENTUALLY. For instance, I’m REALLY hoping to finish up two one-shots today, one that’s focused on Duke, Dick and Cass from that prompt you sent me a couple weeks ago, @zee-gee, and the other uh.....that umm, TW/X-Men fusion you commissioned way longer ago than my pride will allow me to admit in public @camelotpark, lol. And like, those posts you see me making to @russianspacegeckosexparty about the changelings project I talk about a lot, like.....Adam basically just sends me random thoughts and prompts about it all the time, and its like a running thread that’s easy for me to pick back up and sink into whenever I see a new one in my inbox and I’ve got enough spoons at the moment to dig in.

Also have a couple other things I want to respond to today while I have the energy and a destined-to-be-longer-than-it-needs-to-be meta about Dick’s positioning in narratives with various other characters and WHY I think it so usually works out that way, and I’m aiming to keep that more like....musing-esque than rant-errific, but uh, let’s see how that actually goes, lmfao.

Anyway, that’s what I have in mind for today, aside from my going to get my IV buffet at ten and emailing and calling people from listings about rooms to rent, but tbh, I might just end up being even more random and sporadic than usual, if I can’t focus on any of those long enough to stay sufficiently distracted today. (Like, my other annoying superpower as long-time followers have heard before, is my ridiculously fast metabolism. I know, “oh no, I’m so skinny, poor me,” but like....its never been about weight gain or loss for me, its about how fast my body processes various medications, meaning pretty much every painkiller I’ve ever tried is largely useless to me, or at most wears off in a couple hours.....whereas my ADHD meds actually provide me MORE relief from the pain than any of them. Basically, they let me actually focus on something OTHER than pain and not get interrupted/distracted by the occasional pain spike that likes to remind me its there and wants my attention......so I mean, I still feel everything that comes with my head being physically out of whack, but for the hours vyvanse is working for me, coupled with some heavy duty pain meds, I can like.....just sorta....not care about it for awhile. Like, it hasn’t gone away but its more shoved to the back of my mind at least. And all of that, I’m happy to stuff in a closet whenever I can, lol).

And that’s enough rambles for this post, I think. LOLOLOL, as if I have a quota. But yeah. Just wanted to express how much your support has meant and continues to mean, and like.....I’m still here and alive and crossing fingers that I’ll hear about an actual surgery date soon, but in the meanwhile like......I’m kinda stuck in a perpetual Limbo, one that’s largely confined to whatever is in hobbling distance from my bed of the day, and as much as donations help me physically, in remaining able to at least stay that way, just, any and all interactions on here help by keeping me engaged with the world on at least some level, and make it so I have stuff to think or talk about beyond my own situation and how I’m not a super huge fan of that.

(Okay, I shouldn’t say any and ALL interactions are appreciated, since I have my fun little runs of anon hate in my inbox, but I mean, all of the above is why they’re not really a big deal to me and never have been. Its like, dude, my own body has been trying to take me out for the past three years, and you think a few insults from an anonymous stranger are gonna do the trick? LOLOL, please. Tbh, the only real negative effect anon hate has on me is that it makes me a bit more snappish and quick to assume the worst than I’d like, when people @ me in a way that I misread as aggressive or in bad faith. I’m aware that my day-to-day temperment is a lot more irritable and open to fights than I usually like to be, as self-control is kinda a big deal to me, and my situation and stress and other shit kinda keep me constantly operating at a level best described as itchy, and none of that is an excuse for any times I read an interaction wrong and go for the throat. I just mean like.....I’m a very blunt and straight-forward person, and I do appreciate when people take a similar approach to me as it really helps keep those misreads to a minimum. Any time someone wants to engage with me in some way, I promise I am SO much easier to talk to if you just....put it out there, whatever it is. Its the games people play online (and in real life) that just frustrate the hell out of me and...yeah. Again, I’m not saying any of that as an excuse or a request for a free pass any time I fuck up an interaction or cross a line, I’m just saying, if anyone’s held back on interacting with me because they think I might snap at them or mistake it for them trying to start a fight, like......just be direct with me. Honestly, thats just....always gonna be more productive when it comes to me.)

But yeah. So that’s the current state of me and all that jazz. Again, I so appreciate everything everyone’s done to support me, not just these past couple days but over the course of these past three years as well. I notice and remember all of it, and its why even though I rant and complain and am critical about so much in society and fandoms and all that.....I really truly am a believer in the idea that there’s more good in people and the world than bad, and the bad just tends to be louder is all. It was especially loud for me the last couple days, the volume got way jacked up, but the goodwill from you guys has been more than enough to drown it out and give me some reprieve.

Alright, shutting up now. All done. The end.

[scatterpatter]

Some expanded thoughts on FF7R under the cut [SPOILERS]

So! Overall I freaking LOVED the remake and I can’t wait to see the rest! Midgar feels so alive and expanded, you really feel attached to everyone, it’s... muah! Honestly a lot of the points I’m gonna make are more nitpicks than anything. I won’t make any commentary on the gameplay because I watched a let’s play instead of playing by myself(im broke and cant afford a PS4 and $60 game >_>)

So the designs are GORGEOUS... no, the entire GAME is gorgeous. Midgar looks so good and detailed, there’s so much great implementation of color theory! Cloud is sooooo good looking!!! Barret and Aerith and Sephiroth are all GORGEOUS! Reno Rude Tseng and Rufus.. AAAA!!! The only slight complain I have is that- okay so Tifa looks AWESOME, but I honestly wish she wasn’t so skinny. Like she’s a melee fighter, but her waist and arms are so thin! I wish they gave her a bit more tone and muscle, but, oh well. I honestly can’t stop staring at the character models they look SO good

Plot-wise, I really like most of the changes/additions they made! Especially with Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie. They’re wonderful and I love them and did I mention that I love them because they’re just so dorky!!! And good!!!

Honestly, I like that Aerith is actually written to be likeable. I know that doesn’t seem like much but a lot of games fall into the trap of telling you that you’re supposed to like the female protag(looking at you, Breath of the Wild) or tell you that she’s a strong character, but they fail to show that, so the player feels like they’re just being told to get attached. Aerith, though, is actually really likeable in this game!!! She’s cute and down-to-earth, really dorky and even snarky, easily seeing past Cloud’s tough-guy act, and she can fight! It’s just so nice to see a game that shows a strong female protag instead of just telling you.

Legit everyone is horny for Cloud and I’m so here for it

Okay so like. I love Roche. I didn’t at first but he quickly grew on me. He’s so awfully chaotic and I just- I love him. I’m mad that he was just kinda forgotten, though. Like! He could’ve shown up at the ending chase!!!

THEY REALLY WROTE HOJO TO BE AS CREEPY AS POSSIBLE HUH. Like I’m not complaining because like he’s basically the reason why everything happened, but! Ahhhh he makes me squirm he’s a creep with a gross science fetish and I wanna stab himmmmm

Okay so. President Shinra is a little bit TOO stereotypically evil? Like having a gold statue of himself and not even caring about sabotaging one of his own reactors when one little console gets destroyed??? Like it’s almost comical how evil he’s written to be. Though, I do like the scene where he calls Barret out on his ideals, that was neat!

Nowww, Heidegger Scarlet Palmer and Reeve? MUAH. Heidegger and Scarlet are written so sadistically but like in such a likeable way, especially Heidegger. God I hate them both but you just love to hate them!!! Palmer is HILARIOUS- I love how he’s written to be the spoiled kid whose parents forced the other kids to include him so he’s just there even though he doesn’t do anything. And Reeve? Well...

SO REEVE IS MY FAVORITE ATM SINCE WE DON’T HAVE VINCENT YET, AND REEVE IS JUST... <3 <3 <3 Okay so first off, his design is perfect. He doesn’t really stand out in the same way that Heidegger Scarlet and Palmer do. He just has a normal build, normal suit, normal hair slicked back- he just looks like a normal employee, totally inconspicuous... which is very fitting considering how he ends up being undercover and needs to look inconspicuous ;)

Though Reeve shows clear signs of overworking himself and being emotionally abused by his coworkers which... sucks. I mean it’s good writing but I feel so awful for him- Like you know it’s bad when someone just has to hold up a hand to get you to shut up and sit down. I like that he tries to do good things but steps down when he’s told to, that he’s empathetic but cowardly. It does a great job at setting up his character arc in future chapters <3

Okay so one thing- I thought the build-up for the plate dropping was amazing, but honestly... the plate itself falling was slightly underwhelming, to be completely honest. Like- I just didn’t feel the impact that a plate falling would have! Mainly because, you don’t see a single death which is interesting. Like you see people running from falling debris, but legit not a single death is implied. Honestly? I thought the scene would have been far more impactful if they showed:

Seventh Heaven actually being destroyed

The people topside reacting to the ground beneath them collapsing and them falling to their deaths(They only tried to evacuate Sector 7 slums! Not the topside!!!)

More people actually being implied to have been crushed(No, Im not counting Wedge). Like in the original FF7 there’s a scene where someone’s watching tv and you see the plate falling from outside the window- and there’s a reporter just doing his normal shit before he suddenly looks up and things go to static- like- thats an intense scene and I wish the remake did more stuff like that!

They do great showing people REACTING to the plate falling which is why its so appalling to me that they dont show much of the actual devastation DURING plate fall

I LOVE that Cait Sith shows up at the plate falling! It shows that Reeve actually tried to warn people(something he asked to do and was denied earlier), even if he was too late. The only problem I have is that new players who dont know who Cait Sith is will be horribly confused as to who and why he’s there???

Also, when the crew goes back to Sector 7, you don’t really... feel the impact right away. Keep in mind, an entire section of city just fell onto another section of city WITH the supports holding it up, there should have been way more rubble. Yet, the area where Seventh Heaven is just... looks like it was hit with a major earthquake. There should be way more rubble, like mountains of it. It’s weird since the opening cinematic really captures the scope of how huge Midgar is, but the plate falling just doesn’t really show the scope of how much devastation there was to losing an entire plate.

The scope of it is done a bit better when climbing up Sector 7, but I still feel like the weight and scope of destruction isn’t lived up to its full potential.

Okay so- Wedge and Biggs. ... Yeah, it takes away from the impact of their deaths to have them not die. I mean, I can’t make a total opinion on this just yet, because the other parts haven’t come out yet, but... if FF7R is gonna keep them alive, they better have a good reason for it tbh.

They might have done a little bit too much foreshadowing with Cloud and Aerith? Like I like Cloud having memory issues, it’s kept pretty vague... but him going “Mother?” with Jenova is a little bit too spoiler-y. Like yeah you gotta tease his whole thing but like- don’t give it away this soon!!!

I also don’t mind Seph showing up as much as he does. Like, in the original, you don’t even hear about him until close to the end of the Midgar arc. Obvi since the remake ONLY covers the Midgar arc so far, I totally understand bringing him in sooner. Again, having the clones existing might be a little too spoilery for the big twists later on, but I can let it slide since it’s still treated as very “wtf” and I’m sure anyone new to the story hasn’t put it together yet.

Did I mention how much I love Seph he’s so creepy and his eyes are gorgeous and he’s so intimidating by just being there

And the Whispers... I honestly didn’t like them. I kept forgetting that they existed honestly. They just feel so... detached from the plot. I don’t mind adding new content/story, but the Whispers just... didn’t feel well-implemented. They also felt really campy towards the end. Like, the fact that they could un-stab Barret and shield Avalanche from car accidents while they were escaping? They were legit like “no you can’t die even if you tried because fate” and takes away any tension of the scene because... well, they know they cant die.

That being said, the ending was interesting. I uh. It was interesting! So they actually defeat fate itself in order to change... who knows what. The future, maybe even the past??? I’ve got many thoughts on this

If the future is changed, that can be exciting since people who know the original’s plot won’t know what’s gonna happen next so like- okay!

If the past was changed... y’all know I’m talking about Zack. Was fate changed so that he could live? Keep in mind, we see Whispers surrounding Midgar before they dissipate and Zack’s like “ohey did I get all of em?”, implying that fate would have forbade Zack from ever getting to Midgar. Having the team defeat fate means... Zack may have now reached Midgar. 

Is alternate reality/timeline stuff going to happen now???

Cloud’s character revolves around Zack dying. What’ll happen to Cloud now???

I feel so bad for people new to the plot who don’t know who Zack is.

Nomura... you madman.

So with the ending... Nomura and Squenix is setting something up. They’re going for something huge. I uh. I fear, honestly! Because this could very likely get WAY too ambitious and WAY too confusing(Think Dream Drop Distance’s bullshit plot), and could totally fall on its face and end up being Squenix’s biggest flop of all time. But... if this succeeds and they actually pull off whatever they’re trying to pull... holy shit. I would be floored.

I honestly am a bit afraid that the plot will be too confusing for new players. Like- no one would know whats going on with Zack unless they knew the original plot, so like while this would be a great game for FF7 fans, I’m really worried that it won’t be a good game for people new to the series.

Cloud in a dress is the greatest thing and I’m so happy they kept that scene I love him so much the entire scene is so queer <3

But overall, despite some nitpicks, it was a SUPER SOLID game and I’m soooo hype to see where they go with it! I wanna see Cait and Yuffie and Cid and Vincent!!!!!!!!!

#ff7r #I RAMBLE A LOT #ff7r spoilers

[tslasvegas]

Episode 9: “Dear Diary, it’s me, Jaiden” - Jaiden

I feel like I've had a breakthrough. I just survived my first merge vote of the game and I wasn't even having a meltdown. That's already miles and miles ahead of my last Tumblr Survivor season where I made the merge. Although I don't think my position in this game is locked yet, I feel pretty good about where I stand. I hope that the Touchy Subjects answers reveal my hopes that I'm not a threat to anybody and that people don't believe the common idea is that I'm shitty or too perfect or something. If that makes any sense. Basically I just want to know that I'm doing okay here so far. I feel good about my chances at that but we need some work to be done before I can say that for certain. I hate seeing Andrew leave because like I said he's someone that I wanted to work with, but I have to believe what people said about him being an over-player, a mess, etc. and just stick to my guns that I made the right call here. I kind of wanted to see if Joey would play his legacy for Ben but I'm glad I held back on that because I hope the legacy will come back in the future to save me. I don't have a lot of confidence when it comes to the literal minefield of idols and nullifiers out there. As long as I continue convincing people I'm on their side, or that I'm not the enemy at least, those things won't get used on me. Right now that we're on the jury, I NEED to focus on my jury management first and foremost. I am super okay with playing my strategic and social game the way I've been doing it thus far (obv learning from past mistakes.....) but the killer to my game 99% of the time I've made it deep in these things is how I get that jury to feel about me. Protect myself in game, but also set up a jury of folks who feel like they can trust me and only me. And.. hopefully some day I'll blindside Joey and he'll give me his legacy advantage.

...five seconds later

Tbh I hope that Jake reads this after the season and realizes that I never once at this point in the merge find him annoying. Somehow in his own mind he thinks hes like, the worst person ever and I'm trying to tell him he's not, he's great, we have a lot of work ahead of, etc and he's not buying it at all. Idk if this is him trying to emotionally manipulate me or not, but.. like.. thats my gameplan tf! 

So Steph, Pat and Jeff were left out of the vote. But Jaiden said it was supposed to be unanimous. That means that Keegan, Liv and Joey purposely left them out. I don't understand why they would intentionally make enemies. Better for us I suppose. We just got to keep our ragtag group of 6 together: me, John, Jake, Kailyn, Jaiden and Ben.

So the merge vote was quite interesting. With this being a 13 person merge, I tend to believe it is best to play a tad conservatively early on. This made it to where I figure the OG Palazzo would get a good 1-2 rounds of things their way before Keegan, Jake, and I mounted our little rebellion. As it turns out, I woke up to Jake and Keegan wanting me on call because Andrew was being as messy as he was on our swap tribe. Jake said that Andrew confirmed the OG Palazzo chat, something Keegan and I had already did, and that Keegan threw Jake's name out in said chat and Andrew shot it down. In reality, Andrew is actually the person that threw Jake out. He threw Jake's name out first on our swap tribe and he threw it out first here. I am really unsure what game Andrew really wanted to play beyond making sure he had options outside of the OG Palazzo. So from this point, we went around and got a feel for who we could pull. Joey had already expressed to Keegan that he felt nervous about there being a massive numerical OG Palazzo majority. The game is better for all of us if it is a bad more fluid. We ended up kicking Andrew to the curb in a 9-4 vote with Steph, Jeff, Pat, and Andrew voting in the minority. We talked in the OG Palazzo chat and those left out seemed to understand once we explained some of Andrew's missteps in PM's. This is good because I want some form of OG Palazzo to be there if it becomes something that I need down the line. At this current moment, I have heard no one bring up the super idol that is in Keegan and I's possession so I can only assume that we got lucky and no one actually checked the vault after we grabbed it. This could be due to lack of chips at the time or people just forgetting to. So for now, I shall assume everyone thinks that the super idol is vibing on the idol board, which is very good for me. Typically with a super idol, it would be super easy for you to get voted out the round after saving yourself with it. That is why I would like for it to get as deep into this game as possible. At the end of the day, the best part about having it is knowing its whereabouts and not having someone else possess it. So after TC, Jake, Keegan, and I hopped on call to celebrate. Jake revealed that Joey offered a 4 to him and Jake said I am good and should be included. This is how many current alliances are looking: - F2: Keegan and I - Three of Us: Keegan, Jake, and I - Meninism: Keegan, Jake, Joey, Jaiden, and I - OG Palazzo: Keegan, Joey, Jeff, Pat, Steph, and I This makes it so that the only people I do not have some sort of alliance with are Ben, Kailyn, John, and Xavier. I like these people but that is kind of how the game is shaking out currently. Ideally, I want Ben out next as it would allow my 3 to fade into the background and let what should be a consensus boot happen. After TC, multiple people expressed that Ben hadn't been very social. Now the current challenge is Touchy Subjects and I hope I do not get too many positive ones just because they could result in me being targeted. I think I am in a good spot to where I am doing well socially and having one on one's with everyone in some capacity, but I am hoping I am not perceived as any sort of power player at the moment. That fucked me in Trinity: Deception Island and I would not like for that to fuck me over here. I do think I have the connections to make it through for a little while. I see a path to the end but as I get closer I will have to evaluate whether or not that is a winning path to the end. Below is a short synopsis of my one on ones with people: - Steph: like nothing because I have found her super dry premerge - Jaiden: we have been talking about reading and writing and books and it is a good time - Jeff: he is a king and we have been talking about theatre and work and past games and shit - Jake: not as much one on one stuff due to our calls with Keegan - Keegan: not a lot but I have been updating him prior to updating the 3 chat - Kailyn: college and majors and such - Xavier: not a whole lot but he seems really sweet and messaged me "i am glad we voted together :)" after TC and I found that super wholesome - Ben: he has not responded in a bit but he wanted to strategize for the idol hunt with me - Joey: a decent bit of memes back and forth - Pat: lots of small talk but we have had some good convos and he seems to understand the Andrew move - John: we talked a bit about Atomic Nova Scotia Overall, I think I am doing well but not overtly so. This is ideal when we are still at Final 12 I think.

I think Palazzo will vote out Stephanie :) They hate women

Wow. I'm writing this after immunity results. I'm kind of just gonna word vomit. I checked off individual immunity from my checklist. And it's this challenge. The one that eliminated me in 26. The one that crushed 16 year old Jake's self confidence, and made him never want to play again. I got Hero, want to win, funniest, and stop talking which is kind of my favorite. I never ever thought I'd come back after 73 seasons, win THIS challenge, and in an individual setting. I changed history a little bit. And now I'm in the final 11. Ben is the easy vote this round, personally I'd love to see Stephanie go so that I can have Xavier to myself. But I can't push too hard. I controlled last vote, let someone else have a turn in the sun. I get to chill for once.

Now that’s character development!

Move now or lay low?

Final 12 feels pretty good, but final 11 will be so much better. If I make it through this vote, this will be the longest I’ve made it in a merge! And I’ll tie my placement with India :) Obviously I am still focused on my goal of making it thru til single digits, but I’m celebrating the small victories now so I don’t focus too hard on strategy that doesn’t need to take place this early. I feel like everyone is going to be looking at Ben as the dude they need to get rid of, so I won’t be surprised if he ends up going home. I don’t think that is the absolute worst thing for my game right now, but I’d prefer Stephanie or Xavier going before Ben at least for right now. I suppose I don’t have a huge voice on the subject but my pitch to keep Ben tomorrow is that it keeps Kailyn away from trying to work with Stephanie and Xavier who, frankly, need to be part of the next couple boots if we’re thinking big picture.. I don’t know if Joey will listen to me. Another option is maybe see if we can swing votes to Pat. Would anybody be upset to see Pat go home? Who knows. But basically my relationships are so little with Pat, Kailyn, Stephanie, and Xavier and idk what to do about them right now. I really just don’t wanna see those four link up and go super far because that would be kinda boring and really devastating LOL Another big win for me today was that I got put into the Meninist alliance with Jake, Joey, Livingston, and Keegan. While I’m not particularly fond of Livingston yet, we’ll see if he grows on me :) if not he can say adios. Since Joey is looking REALLY dangerous I’m gonna try to distance myself from him more and more right now. I don’t want people to think I’m drinking his kool aid bc I’m not, but I don’t want him to think I’ve turned on him bc I definitely want him to still give me that legacy advantage.. This morning I was thinking about how I can really give myself a better trajectory to the end and I’m a little bit confused still on what my winning conditions are for this game. What moves can I start making today that will set me up for six tribals down the line when surely the game is getting messy as fuck and I need protection from all sides? Maybe discrediting people like Xavier, Stephanie, Kailyn, Pat, and even Livingston aren’t the best things for me to do right now. I want to keep people who are in my corner safe such as Jeff, Keegan, Jake, and hopefully Joey but we’re almost to the halfway point of the game and it’s not going to be easy to keep everybody including myself safe. It’s no longer a question of whether I’ll win this or not. It’s a question of how I win. The merge is what counts I think.. everything before that was just the foundation for success. My foundation is cracked and not the best but I’m picking up the pace, I think. Whatever. If I have to use my social connections to Joey or John or whoever, I’m going to manipulate them to what benefits me. I don’t wanna go down that path of being messy but some day soon these ppl are gonna realize they should’ve never trusted me to begin with... because I’m coming for them.

Me almost forgetting confessionals were a thing. Ben is really popping off here today because he knows he's the boot. And now he has created a "straights alliance". This... is such a weird day. I wanna just go back to bed and not deal with all of this because it's weird.

6 years ago I wanted to pull of a move like this. I can get Ben to explode in main chat and with everyone. Pick fights, freak out, tank people’s games, just be a monster. And without anyone knowing, I’ll give him my safety without power. Idols will be flushed, mass panic, and I have immunity so I’m just chilling. We’re about to gamble baby.

Dear Diary, it’s me, Jaiden. Ben went off the deep end today and proved that he was a wasted spot on this season to begin with. This tribe is only big enough for one messy bitch, and not only that but I'm one big fat messy bitch, so sorry Ben but your time has come. 

I always get a bad feeling before tribal. I just hope Ben goes, and it’s easy and smooth and there’s no issues. 

I thought Kailyn was horny texting me, turns out she's just high........ Kailyn, 5:15 PM so is the vote tonight ben ?? i’m kind of [redacted] rn don’t know what’s going on 😳 Jaiden, 5:15 PM yeah :/ i feel bad bc ive grown to like ben but no one is offering any sort of alternative omg whats redacted Kailyn, 5:16 PM 😳😳😳 legally, it’s a joke 💖 Jaiden, 5:16 PM IM??? Kailyn, 5:16 PM JSDJKSKA Jaiden, 5:16 PM WHAT do u mean uimm i cant find the up emoji but like UP u know?? Kailyn, 5:16 PM SJHDJDKSLA yes 💖 Jaiden, 5:17 PM omg queeeeeeeen i love that for u JOKINGLY of course hehe Kailyn, 5:17 PM for the laugh 💖💖💖💖💖 thank u Jaiden, 5:17 PM god we stan r u gonna be at tribal?? Kailyn, 5:18 PM if i remember yes ofc 😇 me trying to do my french hw rn: 🧍‍♀️🧍🧍‍♂️ Jaiden, 5:19 PM HAHA good...i wanna see u pop awf hopefully HJAHHAHA i love the emojis Jaiden, Kailyn, 5:19 PM NSHDJSJAJ ofc 💖 Jaiden, 5:19 PM god im truely living my best life thru u rn tell me something french Kailyn, 5:22 PM je can’t remember a word of français rn bc i’m so h word 💖🙏🥵 Jaiden, 5:22 PM *HAPPY!!* Kailyn, 5:27 PM so true 😇 Jaiden, 5:27 PM wait i hope we mean the same h word im starting to think its not the one im thinking of....... Kailyn, 5:28 PM DJDJDJKSAKALKAK uhhh not me accidentally calling Xavier 😭😭😭😭 Jaiden, 5:29 PM DID HE ANSWER Kailyn, 5:30 PM YEAHHHSJDJSKLALA Jaiden, 5:31 PM WHAT HAPPENED IM FUIOHWODIH thats so fucking funy Kailyn, 5:31 PM NDDHJDKSS I SAW MY FACE POP UP ON THE SCREEN AND I WAS LIKE FUCK Jaiden, 5:31 PM H9uhiudheiuhfH Kailyn, 5:31 PM AND HE WAS LIKE. DID U CALL Jaiden, 5:31 PM VIDEO CALL????????????? Kailyn, 5:31 PM AND I WAS LIKE UHHH Jaiden, 5:31 PM IM DYING Kailyn, 5:32 PM AND HUNG UP Jaiden, 5:32 PM KAILYN Kailyn, 5:32 PM NSHDHDKSLSLA Jaiden, 5:32 PM IM LAUGHING SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKIGNM HARD Kailyn, 5:32 PM ate some Good chocolate on this night 😤👼 Jaiden, 5:33 PM oh my GOD you're talking about the H i DIDNT THINK U WERE TAKING ABT Kailyn, 5:33 PM JDDHJDKSKALAP WHAT DID U THINK Jaiden, 5:33 PM maybe calling xavier wasnt on accident i THOUGHT you were talking about being high but UGHFWO)DJH CHOCOLATE IS AN APHRODISIAC Kailyn, 5:34 PM YEAH I AM WTF Jaiden, 5:34 PM WHAT] Kailyn, 5:34 PM DJJDDJKSLSPAPS NOOOOOO Jaiden, 5:34 PM I TOHUGHT Kailyn, 5:34 PM SHJDJDKDOEOEOWOWA Jaiden, 5:34 PM OMFG Kailyn, 5:34 PM BCUCNCNDODNDIEOEKOEW Jaiden, 5:34 PM WHEN U SAID CALLED XAVIER AND THE CHOCOLATE Kailyn, 5:34 PM WHAT THE FUCKODKSKSKS NOOOOOOO Jaiden, 5:34 PM I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING Kailyn, 5:34 PM DBHDJSKAKAKS BYE NOOOOOO DJDHDJSKALLAA Jaiden, 5:34 PM IM DETLTING MY FUCKING ACCOUNT IM DLEETING MY FUCKING ACCOT Kailyn, 5:34 PM HSHDHDKSKALA

[harryfeatgaga]

i kinda need advice. so my friend said to me today something along the lines of being anorexic. but idk what to say or to even believe it? like that friend of mine has also said things like “oh i have anxiety” meanwhile they don’t actually understand the full extent and meaning of what anxiety is and i have been diagnosed with anxiety (and have had many therapists and my friend knows this) and when i explain “hey thats not exactly what that is/how that feels, youre missusing it pls dont say it again.” they’ll brush me off and invalid how i feel. i’ll even say directly how it makes me feel and they blame it on me “being too sensitive” and making a “big deal outta nothing”. they’ll also say stuff like “i have depression” meanwhile theyre just feeling depressed (which everyone feels depressed sometimes and its totally fine cuz its an emotion, but depression and depressed are very different and using the term depression is invalidating others and just incorrect im pretty sure) so idk whether to believe them or not, like if they genuinely are anorexic i’ll be there for them 100% but idk if they know exactly what anorexia is to a full extent? and i want to ask them about it but they brushed me off and idk if it was in a way of “i genuinely dont wanna talk abt it” (which is totally fine and understandable) or in rude way. and i dont wanna ask again becuz i know how it feels to be constantly asked abt something (like anxiety) and its not something that’s easy to talk abt. so i really dont know what to do or if im in the wrong somehow. im so lost over this because ive finally realized all of the shitty things they say and how much they (intentionally or unintentionally, idk at this point) invalidate me and make me feel shitty abt myself, and its rlly bothering me now. like i told them not to refer to my straight friend of ours as gay or referring to that person’s best friend as his boyfriend and making gay jokes because it bothers those ppl and its not funny and makes me rlly sad. like i dont even understand why it makes me so sad? like yeah im apart of the lgbtq+ community but it makes me way sadder then i feel it should. im sorry i just needed to vent because my other friend genuinely doesnt understand what im talking about when i try venting or asking for advice and i just needed to mention it somewhere and thats why its kinda all over the place since everything is bottled up.

okay so tbh im sorry if this isnt making sense im dead tired rn but I feel like if these people are supposed to be your friends and are constantly saying things to you to upset you and invalidate you and call others gay especially if you are apart of the lgbt community these are not good friends, your friend may very well have these things just not diagnosed everyone is different but these dont sound like good true friends to me so personally id either sit them down and talk to them about it or distance yourself from them tbh its hard to do ive done it but you need to do whats best for you I hope this helps some what :( sending you lots of love angel

[dirtycreekwater]

Three Hours Behind, Five Hours Ahead

description: Logan Roman and Virgil are in a long distance relationship and trying their best to deal with that. having separation anxiety, Virgil struggles the most.

genre: fluff & hurt/comfort. human au.

word count: 1,109

ship: romantic analogince

warnings: some implied nsfw stuff. not graphic at all. don’t think theres anything else but hey lemme know if you need something tagged

a/n: this isn’t really gonna be a chaptered series?? i don’t really know what it’s gonna be tbh but it’s something. also Remus might be a minor background character at some point so remrom/incest shippers please do not interact thank you

——

Sunlight was slowly starting to filter into the room; not that Virgil had even noticed. His eyes were glued to his phone screen, the blue light emanating from it putting a strain on his eyes. He was sure they were bloodshot, having stayed up all night staring at said screen in the total darkness. He could hear his boyfriends’ voices scolding him already.

As if on cue a quiet ping brought his attention to the top of his screen. It was Logan, his Logan, in the group chat he and his boyfriends had created when they first met online. He already knew exactly what that nerd had said. He didn’t even have to read the preview.

Logan 🐝🖤 6:04am

Why are you on tumblr at 6 in the morning, Virgil?

Surprised he took this long to message me, Virgil thought.

Virgil 6:05am

bc i love torturing myself apparently idk

Logan 🐝🖤 6:05am

Please stop doing this to yourself, love.

Virgil 6:07am

but babe i need the memes

Logan 🐝🖤 6:08am

What you need is sleep. Try to now, please?

Roman 👑❤️ 6:08am

Ugh Virge wtf go to sleep 🙄

Virgil couldn’t help but smile at that. Roman cared in his own way, he was quite different from Logan. And Virgil himself was pretty different as well. They were certainly a strange trio, but it worked so well.

Virgil 6:10am

i don’t wanna sleep

Virgil 6:10am

also shut up Ro you should be asleep rn too it’s 3am for you

Logan 🐝🖤 6:11am

Why don’t you want to sleep? And yes I agree. Go to sleep, Ro.

Roman ❤️👑 6:12am

Aw but guys I don’t wanna either :(

Virgil 6:13am

sleeping alone sucks

Virgil 6:13am

i miss you guys

Roman 👑❤️ 6:13am

Same 😭

Logan 🐝🖤 6:15am

Oh, loves. I miss you both too.

Roman 👑❤️ 6:15am

😭😭💔💔

Logan 🐝🖤 6:16am

But you can’t keep doing this to yourselves.

Virgil 6:17am

you cant stop me

Logan 🐝🖤 6:17am

Virgil, please.

Virgil bit his lip, maybe a bit too hard, and set his phone down. He hadn’t realized he started crying until his vision completely blurred. He felt silly really, crying just because he was alone. He wasn’t really. He had his boyfriends, he did. He had group chats, and facetime, and other video calls, and tumblr blogs. He had them. It just didn’t feel like enough. He recalled the first time they all met in person. They stayed in Roman’s house in Los Angeles, California. Logan flew in from London, England and he himself flew in from his small Pennsylvania town. It was truly the best week of his life. Roman had a huge bed, too big for just one person. It was perfect for all three of them, and god he felt so lucky. He remembered the way Logan’s Quasi-British accent sounded in person, and the way Roman’s boisterous voice seemed to fill an entire room. He especially remembered the way Roman’s sheets, and their skin felt against his own; the way their hands tangled in his hair, and lips moved over his. All he wanted was that week back.

Logan 🐝🖤 6:22am

Virgil? Roman?

Virgil took in a shaky breath, and picked his phone back up. He was just going to let himself be vulnerable, completely honest. He could do that.

Virgil 6:23am

i just hate being long distance so fucking much,, i can’t handle it,,, i just wanna be held again,,,

The next five minutes were the most nerve wracking minutes in Virgil’s whole life. Okay, maybe less nerve wracking than the time he waited for their responses to his crush confession. That was quite horrifying, but honestly this felt pretty similar. Like swallowing knives. The typing bubble had disappeared, and reappeared many times. He almost wanted to turn his phone off, and never turn it back on again.

Then finally a message appeared.

Logan 🐝🖤 6:28am

We’re not going to be long distance forever, my love. I promised you both that a while ago did I not? And I always keep promises, yes? Come on, it’s been two years. You should know that by now. Don’t lose sleep over this. Everything will be okay soon, very soon.

Virgil almost hated how good Logan was at comforting him, and Roman. He was always saying emotions were gross, and they just weren’t his thing, but yet somehow he always seemed to handle them perfectly.

Virgil 6:30am

damn it L how dare you make me cry more

Roman 👑❤️ 6:31am

How dare you make me cry as well!

Logan 🐝🖤 6:32am

My intention was only to reassure, and comfort. I apologize.

Virgil 6:33am

yeah well you did exactly that you stupid nerd

Virgil 6:34am

but um can we start facetiming more often? like at night? hearing your voices and seeing your faces really does help me sleep

Roman 👑❤️ 6:35am

Yes!!!

Logan 🐝🖤 6:36am

Well, being a few hours ahead of the both of you makes that quite difficult, sweetheart. I’m sure we can work something out though.

Virgil 6:37am

man fuck timezones

Virgil 6:38am

im gonna fight time

Logan 🐝🖤 6:38am

Maybe do that after you sleep.

Virgil 6:39am

no right now

Virgil 6:39am

im gonna do it

Roman 👑❤️ 6:40am

I’ll help 🗡🛡

Virgil 6:40am

sick 🔪💣

Logan 🐝🖤 6:41am

No fighting the abstract concept of time. Sleep now. Both of you.

Roman 👑❤️ 6:42am

But Looooooo

Virgil 6:42 am

:(

Logan 🐝🖤 6:42am

No. Sleep.

“God, we’re dorks,” Virgil said aloud to himself. He then took a deep breath to calm himself before he typed out a new message. “Quit being a little bitch, Virgil.”

Virgil 6:43am

ok but can we facetime first? pls?

Roman 👑❤️ 6:44am

Yeah!!! You free rn Lo?

Logan 🐝🖤 6:44am

I’m always free for my loves.

Virgil 6:44am

thats gay

Logan 🐝🖤 6:45am

Excellent observation skills, Virgil. You never fail to impress me.

Virgil 6:45am

shut up

Logan 🐝🖤 6:45am

Why don’t you make me?

Virgil started to respond but the facetime screen, and obnoxious ringtone cut him off. Of course Roman would purposefully interrupt his and Logan’s bickering. Logan always did the same to them. Rolling his eyes he hesitantly accepted the call, and rolled over onto his side so he could hold his phone more comfortably. He broke out into a wide grin once he saw his beautiful boyfriends smirking back at him.

“Hey, guys.”

——

tag list: @royallyroman @crazyfangirls-stuff @easy-meta-knight @shyanonarchives

#sanders sides #analogince #logan sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #long distance au #three hours behind five hours ahead #thbfha #olisfics