#what if i just. didnt wake up tomorrow?

[skeleton-monarch]

.

#yknow. instead of doing all this school and going to work and being hungry and trying what if i just didn’t #what if i just. didnt wake up tomorrow? #i’m tired of myself #my therapist once told me that a lot of times when we say we want to die we just want our situation to change and don’t know how to make #that happen. and i’ve felt that before #but no i just want to give up. it hit me all at once that i’m fucking tired and i don’t want to do it anymore #too lazy to do anything about it so i’m just gonna ruin my life until i get lucky enough for someone else to do it for me #the problem is me. it’s me and i don’t know how to fix it im not sure if i even fucking can #i say this but i knkw i’ll drag myself to work tomorrow #heartwarming. local disappointment disappoints past what was thought possible

[vvitchy-succubus]

.

#his service was overwhelming and perfect #there were so many people there i couldnt even begin to guess how many #my andrew looked so handsome #and even had his natural little smirk he always wore #all of the flags in Illinois are being flown at half mast for him until Sunday #i was able to get theough the eulogy #and i got to give him one last forehead kiss #everyone went out to his favorite bar after #and we had a shot of whiskey while “friends in low places” played #we drank and told stories about him #i met friends of his i had only heard stories about #and some i didnt know of at all #and my entire gigantic family #im just at a loss for words over how much he was loved #this was the worst day of my life so far #but also it would have made him so happy to see #and that's good enough for me #now i have to sleep and try and figure out what the fuck im going to do when i have to wake up tomorrow

[vse-kar-vem]

weekly breakdown post 😁 none of you hate me right !

#feeling a bit down ☹️ idk i just feel like #am i not social enough am i just annoying ☹️ i dont post a lot so idk what people follow me for but if i post too much am i being annoying ? #oueagh #vee rambles #like i know everyone has their own niches whatever but i don't know how you just establish connections with people so easily 💔💔 #am i brushjng people off without knowing ???? am i just prickly?????? #also as a conversationalist i know i dont have much to offer ☹️☹️ im not very funny or capable of very clever adult insights #so really im just kinda there 😞 and like i HAVE real life friends i HAVE a social circle theres no need to base my fulfilment socially on #online interactions 😭 #idk maybe its because its harder or its something i feel i cant get that makes it such like a thing that bothers me #like 7 times out of 10 if im sadposting because of that #and its really embarrassing to say that the reason all these like moments of insecurity happen is because my mutuals. have friends #NOTHING AGAINST ANYONE OBVS THIS IS 100% A ME PROBLEM AND NOT EVERY INTERACTION SENDS ME INTO A TAILSPIN ITS JUST SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS #i thjnk it says something about me idk i dont like to think of myself as very jealous but i am i just dont like dwelling on it #trying to figure out if what makes me upset is other people not liking me or my own personal inadequacies #anyways if anyones reading this pretend they didnt i will be over this tomorrow i just #ugh 🥹🥹🥹 #i wish i could wake up funnier #or smarter #maybe better at art #🙏 god bless #IVE FIGURED IT OUT #being in such a tight knit fandom reminds me of being in 8th grade again 🥹 not to tragic backstory everyone but like i had no friends #i think it kind of dredges up that kinda loneliness and insecurity in me #wow i should be a psychologist #anyways i still love fandom im not gonna stop it just. sigh. gets to me sometimes

[arolesbianism]

Besties help tumblr is completely broken for me I haven't been able to have anything load all day :(

#rat rambles #idk if thisll even post but Im pretty sure its not a server crash since I can open tags just fine for some reason? #Ive tired uninstalling and reinstalling but that didnt work #idk maybe tumblr just decided to fuck me over in particular #not sure whats going wrong here but hopefully itll just sort itself out by the time I wake up tomorrow because if it doesn't then ughhhh #I dont wanna troubleshoot this stupid app

[aria0fgold]

Staring at this fic and wondering how to tag it. I'm done writing it, pretty short! And everything formatted, all I need now is to figure out how to tag this thing.

#aria rants #immediate unrequited love tag there cuz of the song its based off of >:D (<-evil smiles as if i didnt tear up writing it) #to me this seems more like hc territory about what i think happens After all the events in the game buuuutttt #it miiiight be spoilery too????? im gonna ask around to see just in case. second opinion time #cuz to me the only thing it spoils is stuff during act 3. primarily stuff about the friend quests but left vague instead #so until i figure out how to tag this. itd be in my drafts and i might post it tomorrow instead? well tbf its tomorrow here now #but like-- tomorrow as in after i sleep which is basically later in the afternoon once i wake up

[cockyroaches]

See you in hell space cowboy

#ill fix the colors and other issues when i wake up tomorrow at like. 3pm just took melatonin #anyways im not immune to funny plant thing but tablet broke so im stuck with this kind of art for now #it IS fun to force myself to draw more cohesive stuff bc i cant properly fix it later #btw sad the head shape i picked in the char creator didnt have curly hair. what a horrible world #bitch mantis #my art #wip #pikmin

[todayisafridaynight]

grabbing the ichi plush by the neck and death gripping it like 'good things are to come its all going to be ok good things are to come' like its a lucky amulet

#snap chats #i didnt even pre order the ichi plush but spiritually i did. good luck charm. #anyway rant time look away from here. Im At My Limit <- i say this every week #I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS WRONG <- lying. my moms home #i just feel terrible again. i feel so awful i gave myself a headache from being upset #do you know how upset you have to be to give yourself a headache just sitting and thinking #that happened when i was taking a spanish test once but i think i was just so stupid my brain actually started to hurt trying to think #i also remember being sad as hell that day tho so....... maybe it was both #everyday it feels like im sad thats so fucked up and theres nothing i can do about it #ALSO IT'S RAINING AGAIN rain never promises anything good unless you're a plant #im working but i should have this done in. idk a few hours #and then its the weekend right.... there's no limitations for sadness though brother doesn't run on a schedule #unless we're talking about seasonal depression but we know what i mean #ew im supposed to go to that con tomorrow i dont even know if i want to go anymore #i just don't want to do anything anymore ig is the vibe #idk i have a journal to whine bout all this in ╮(╯-╰)╭ squeezing ichi plush is a mood tho so im still posting #maybe if i play a lil y7 ill remember theres good things to wake up for.. #also i gave myself another headache OWOWOWOW STOP when will it end #wait let me be sad again because my dad said we'd hang out today or tomorrow #but i just know that's not happening and now im even more sad WEHHH no one loves me etc etc die #sometimes you just need a melodramatic teenager moment i think we're all due that right like once a month #ok i have to stop my head really hurts ☠️☠️☠️

[biteapple]

i really fuckin hate my current roommate situation for multiple reasons. one of which is due to him deciding to quit her job immediately after i moved down here i had to be the only leaseholder with a secret roommate situation. and now. their gate system is changing and uses an app to open the gate with a verified occupant's phone number. fuuuuck im like banging my head against the wall

#ordinarily i wouldnt mind a secret roommate situation but its to the point with this guy that i have to handle everything on top of this #and he does not like me all the while. and it sucks so bad #this whole venture down here has been really chaotic and messed up #i cant imagine them ONLY using the app. like. what if my phone dies when im out and i live alone right? #i just gotta call them tomorrow and ask. but it just blows to have to worry about this #in the wake of them deciding to quit his job immediately after i moved in with her #like we talked about them quitting his job before i moved in but i didnt realize it'd be for..... so long. so long. #so long that i had to get us a new apartment that he didnt want to make any input in with #she just wanted me to handle it #and when i broke my foot and was homebound i had to move us both out and repair the previous place up #and after a few months of living here in the new place where we had plans to travel out together and make texas temporary.... #she ghosted me for 4 months (WE LIVE TOGETHER?) and then went ''yeah i wasnt being fair to you this isnt working.. - #-i dont like your cats and didn't realize how much i valued living alone'' #thanks. im being ditched here. what am i supposed to do now #sorry for always talking about this shit. its my current life situation rn. its not nearly as bad as i've been through but it just sucks

[polaraffect]

#damien.txt #so listen. i've been kind of fucking depressed for the past 3 months ish #and im going to tell a story related to that in the tags so. if u continue to read. judgement free zone for me pls okay? #cool cool so im like. Really bad abt taking care of my self & my surroundings when im depressed #esp bc like. im in school & work so. literally ALL of my energy goes to those two things #and i will go. weeks upon weeks not cleaning my room #not throwing out trash. which i am AWARE is gross. but truly i would get home and pass tf out and then wake up and #start the day again. like i just truly was not engaging it in any way #anyways. so there's this library book that's been sitting on my nightstand for around a month ish #and ive also been using it as a place for other nightstand things- putting cups on. glasses at night. etc. #well. so i get an email that this book is due back tomorrow. so im like 'oh i should put this book in my backpack' #and i lift it up..... and fuck. there is literally spotty mold ALL. OVER. the back of this fucking book #i guess one of the cups i left on the night stand leaked liquid onto my nightstand and then it soaked into the book or something #and the book didnt move for a Month so like. it's had forever to just sit there and mold over. #and fuck. fuck! i was having such a good night before this too. #now im like.... what the fuck do i even do #i probably just need to go turn it in & pay the fucking expensive fee but like. fuck me. i wanna cry #it always feels like one thing on top of another. like things just are constantly going wrong in my life #and like i Know this is not. the biggest deal in the world. but it just feels like such a dumb fucking thing to happen idk. #anyways. gonna cry abt that and. i guess figure out what im doing with it tomorrow /:

[whsprings]

six word horror story "why don't you stay for dinner?"

#i was gonna leave today but when i said i have session tomorrow my mom was like 'oh so youre leaving tomorrow morning' #and i didnt have the heart to say 'no actually i am leaving today and thats just because i want to skip dinner' #so tomorrow it is. im. scared to check the scale but i cant not check it #my brain is playing tricks on me and i have no idea what my weights been doing #i also dont particularly want to see C tomorrow just because last session sucked ass #and she'll tell me to drink a boost #yummy 🙃 #also i pissed off a bunch of people by making an ignorant mistake so i am just lying awake in bed #hoping i wont wake up to dozens of messages calling me awful things :) #ah the joys of the internet

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

if anyone needs me i will be rewatching trigun 98 and tristamp over and over until my brain explodes

#had a bad time in therapy today sigh #first time i cried in front of the new therapist wooooooooo #and we havent even started talking about the painful stuff yet. how tf am i gonna handle that #(spoiler: im not <3 we dont have to talk abt it if i never bring it up) #also being. slammed with nostalgia (/neg) and i cannot get rid of it and it fucking sucks #got a. bad taste in my mouth. from like. everything rn #anyway. if anyone needs me i will be bolting myself into a shitty tin can and sending myself to the bottom of the sea. #not to see the titanic bc im not dumb and full of hubris. but just like. in general #im down there now. i want to fucking explode #sorry bad joke <3 i wanna kms so bad. i wanna wake up tomorrow and be in a universe that is Not This One #aaughrggghrghr. im angry and j dont know what im angry at . i wanna. fling myself into space #so instead i will watch trigun and if i start posting about max in the next day or so well can you blame me. #i hope someone draws him for artfight. specifically. hes rlly cool #i have his page uploaded already but im sooooo bad at making descriptions #oh fuck i also learned how to fucking tag things on artfight now omg. i didnt know that was a thing. #how did i do three years of this shit and not TAG anything. what the fuck #anyway. wish i was a guy covered in blood rn. maybe i should watch hannibal instead #is it time to bring out ol reliable and watch the stab scene from mizumono on a loop again #and perhaps i will listen to sodikken misery meat and people eater. idk. spice it up a little #girls when they say they want to be held: screenshot of the way hannibal holds wills face before gutting him like a fish #im feeling rlly normal rn if you cant tell

[heartyearning]

got 2 new books today (esc&ctrl by steve hollyman and boy parts by eliza clark) and im ngl the first one especially was a cover buy like the summary sounded good but i coulda picked up any other book and bought that instead if it wasnt for the cover, but omg i just started reading it and the summary which sounded intriguing is DWARFED by the PREMISE of this book which has me shaking & crying & clawing at the walls of my fucking enclosure

#so the summary is basically smth along the lines of 'some guy wakes up in a different country without knowing how he got there #his gf has been murdered in their home country & now a sextape they made once is going viral bc someone else entirely posted it' #which like !! sounds interesting !! & the book is incredible to hold too like the weight of it & the binding quality is like #its a super floppy book basically its very nice so thats why i bought it #but i just read the foreword and OH MY GODDDDDDD MY GOD MY GOD. idk if its true & also thts not the fucking point but #the foreword is the author talking abt the manuscript for a novella he wrote on a typewriter & didnt have any other edition of #getting stolen & then all these years later getting an email from some guy who found the manuscript & sending him the scan #-ned in pages of the manuscript to make sure its the actual manuscript & theres been chapters added #by someone who seems to know the author (bc of injokes and what not) and OHHHH THAT IS SO #SO GOOD TO ME IDFK. IM BUZZING. IDK IF I SHOULD READ THIS NOW OR SAVE IT TO READ TOMORROW #BC I FEEL LIKE THIS IS A SINGLE SITTING TYPE OF READ #ough ough ough so exciting. also the impact hashtag impact house of leaves has had on the courier font industry. #im joking of course but like its partially explained in footnotes which are of course partially written in courier #to be fair part of the book in general is also written in courier but like idk its funny

[orcelito]

hmmm

maybe i need to not do this tonight after all

#speculation nation #discacc shit #i am. just stressing myself out with this pressure lol #+ with minimal encouragement atm im just running myself in circles #trying desperately to finish writing. and i am soooo close #but i can just imagine how this will turn out #i push myself too hard to finish this chapter tonight. which it WOULD take a real push to finish it tonight. #bc im officially at 16k words for this chapter. and i am not even done writing. #i stay up far too late to edit. bc that is a Lot of words to edit. #i end up sleep deprived. it's a long chapter so people wont even be able to read it quickly #i can barely sleep anyways bc im too busy waking up every hour to check to see if there are any comments (which there likely wont be. #or at least will be minimal comments. bc as i said it is a long chapter. people cant make it through it quickly) #then i crash tomorrow bc i didnt get the engagement i worked so hard for as quickly as i wanted it #im still without a beta reader bc andi is recovering which means i dont have the safety net / reassurance that beta reading provided me #and ultimately i end up in a shit state tomorrow. unable to even jump into my next bit of writing as ive pressured myself to do. #i can see it fully laid out before me bc this is EXACTLY what has happened the last few chapters. last chapter especially. #i did end up getting pretty good engagement on the last chapter. but it took time. & by then i'd already had an entire crash over it #as much as i want to finish this b4 the 21st i really need to be mindful with myself #i am doing no one any favors by rushing it. least of all myself. #really if youve read this far + youre a discacc reader. i would rly appreciate if u could send me some kind of encouragement #even as little as liking this post would help. tho a reply/ask would b more effective lol #im currently stuck in the sink hole of 'no one cares' so. it'd help to have that proven wrong. #is it annoying that i have no fucking object permanence w/ knowing ppl care about my writing? Absolutely! #but idk im just trying to do my best with a shit brain. any bit of help/reassurance would be appreciated

[youaremysunshine-court]

.

#like lowkey really wanna stop living idk #idk #i know its not me but she makes me feel so unloveable like ill never be loved by anyone like the minute they get to know me theyll leave #like maybe they only like the front i put up and if they knew the real me theyd hate me like she hates me #i wish id never been born i feel so unwanted i literally just wanna die #if i didnt wake up tomorrow i would be so fucking happy #i dont even know anymore if i had more willppwrr maybe id just fucking kill her or myself and be done with this shit #fucking christ #i say something anything and she takes it and twists it until it paints me as a villain i dont know what to do #i literally said oh i feel carsick and she started screaming at me twlling me not to be selfish i fucking #i was about to puke #i had to shut my mouth for the next hour up the mountains while she talked like nothing was wrong #i dont know if im being unfair to her if my pov is painting her in a bad light or what #but it fucking hurts man #it hurts so much and i dont know what to do i just wanna stop living #why does she hate me so much what did i do that made her hate me so much what can i do to make her love me #shes supposed to be the mature one here but im always the one who stops fighting and withdraws so we can have some fucking peace in this ho #house #i crave the hours when shes out of the house because it means i can just exist without feeling guilty for it

[arolesbianism]

Thinking abt Beats and Alpha and fuck man it may still be hard sometimes but being able to have such a strong symbol of how far I've come in the form of those two makes me rly emotional sometimes, I may not ever fully get over that whole mess but I do definitely feel like I've more or less fully come to terms with it at this point, and I think those two rly helped me with doing that

#rat rambles #oc posting #eternal gales #idk I just feel like the process of making alpha an actual character who is borderline sympathetic actually helped me with my guilt #because making alpha more complex and interesting didnt make her not a shitty person yknow? #she is messy and went through a lot of shit and did genuinely love beats #but she also sucks absolute ass and was just. a terrible friend and beats rly rly needed to cut her off #and it did backfire horribly and alpha did end up lashing out more and hurting others and herself #and y'know what? that wasnt beats fault #alpha loved and suffered and sucked absolute ass and those things dont contradict eachother #no amount of love can stop a relationship from simply not working and being unhealthy #anyways Im dead tired since I slept like shit last night due to stress #hopefully Ill sleep better tonight so I can actually be a bit more active tomorrow #I wanna talk abt eternal gales some more maybe #although knowing me Ill wake up tomorrow and instantly be like hear me out. jackie stern adhd moments. and not elaborate

[tchaikovskym]

Man this day sucked balls

#i had to get up at 5:45am #that was the first worst sign #it was well until i went home for my zoom lesson #since i was like the main coordinator for one big event which had multiple small events #my boss called me and was like hey where is the portable ultrasound for the event #and she found it but the charger was missing #so i asked people responsible for the smaller events who used that ultrasound if they know anything and they were like nope #and one even managed to throw shade on me bc it has been like 2 weeks since the event #after my zoom lesson i cried abt that stupid charger #but i was like hold up i have 20 minutes only to cry bc i have my next lesson in person and i have to go #and then i went and i managed to forget abt that stupid lost charger #and i was like yay i will learn python #and then i did learn the basics and then it started to get complicated and i was lost and then our task was like #hell #and then i tried to make something at least of my task. to like define functions and stuff #and it wasnt possible #and then our teacher kind of wrote the script for the 1st part of the assignment #and i was like okay #and i tried it and the int thing didnt work it was like no you cant put it there where your teacher put it #and i was like fuck then #i just learned how to write a if else and now i have to make two different triangle area scripts baded on input and so that it would work #for non existing triangles #and like what does it mean a triangle with 4 3 and 9 as edge lengths #what do you want from me? an error output? triangle does not exist? what? #either way im fucked #i have to wake up just as early tomorrow #and i have to do a lecture for schoolkids on saturday and my ppt is not finished #and its not like ill have time tomorrow bc i work from 7am to 9pm bc im maybe a masochist #which means even less sleep #i think i have so much going on i want to just. scream.