#what more does my brain want from me

[quietplaceinthestars]

Shiloh wallace is my Abigail Hobbs does this make sense.

Reasons why-

Stuck in a house for an amount of time

Dad kills people

Two dads (sort of)

Looks like her mom. Her dad killed her mom.

Hunting girl vs bug girl

The inescapable legacy they carry and try to overcome

Caring maternal figure (Alana n mag)

Covered in blood at some point

Is getting dragged around for someone else’s gambit

#except. the reverse. dead girl haunting the narrative (Abigail) vs living girl haunting the narrative #I can’t- I’m gnashing my teeth and wailing and pulling my hair but I already rewatched it and did some drawing about it #what more does my brain want from me #talking tag #it’s bordering on painful unfortunately

[caeslxys]

also on the topic of meaningful consequences re: character death I don't understand the take that death in fantasy requires physical permanency to matter or give a story "stakes". death is permanent regardless. Do you really think that if they get her back, they'll just go back to normal? That these characters are not forever fundamentally changed from this, that Laudna will not be fundamentally changed from this?

That Imogen's world will be less fractured, that she won't be even more of an anxious wreck now that what she stands to lose has been put into vivid clarity? That Orym won't still carry the guilt of being the chosen, that he will be less haunted by the connections he drew to his own grief with Will to Imogen's with Laudna? That Fearne won't look at Laudna and think of that coin flip, of her choice, and what that means for her and how she loves? That FCG and Ashton won't think to this and be reminded of the people they've hurt or been hurt by, and what this effort and what this grief means for how they view the hells?

That Laudna, who has been so blasé about life and if she's alive and what being alive even means for someone like her, won't wake up surrounded by family and by love and be driven to reexamine everything she's taught herself in 28 years of isolation to cope with the trauma of Whitestone? That this, maybe, will be the driving force she needed to realize that there are things she wants to live for?

It might be that I'm just biased, but I'm not sure what stakes Laudna perma-dying adds aside from just presenting the characters with the knowledge they all already have that they can, in fact, die. that what they're up against is incomprehensibly powerful and dangerous. The stakes already feel so impossibly high when you think of what and who they are preparing to face. frankly the aftermath of this combat alone, even if everything had gone perfect and everyone had gotten back up a-okay, would have set that tone.

I don't know, regardless I'll be happy to watch whatever story they choose to tell unfold as it does, but it strikes me that so many people seem to think that death only matters if there is a physical absence.

#critical role #laudna #bells hells #I do want to specify though that this is my own interpretation of the situation from my view as a writer of the narrative #and my own interpretation of the situation as an audience member #I know death does not care for narration in real life and that dnd can be cathartic for those very reasons #that. to me. is a separate argument from what I'm trying to say here #I also have Thoughts about how. narratively. laudna coming back is the better story for Specifically bells hells and how they operate #individually and as a unit #and how I think a lot of people are blinded by the specific way molly effected the mighty nein #and I just do not think this is the same scenario At All #and also. if I may put out a more biased take. I don't necessarily Want the same impetus and the same story Again #this is bells hells! I want theirs! and they want to bring back laudna #also. like. the whole death only matters if it's permanent thing falls apart immediately bc like. it's laudna #y'know. the undead one. is her story lesser for having lived? is vox machina's? #anyway feel free to ignore this I'm just throwing thoughts out into the wind bc if I keep them in my brain I'll implode #and Twitter has a 140 character limit and I am long-winded

[sciderman]

Sometimes i remember a comics moment i randomly came across somewhere, where Sam Wilson mentiones a musical and Steve Rodgers says he doesn't like musicals, to whitch Sam goes "Guess that means you really are straight" and even tho i don't care about Cap America or the Avengers, the moment stuck in me for that quote by Sam. And like....Sci, any ideas if straight men actually don't like musicals or is that bullshit?

actually i think i know more gay men who hate musicals than i know straight men who hate musicals. i've had a drag queen stop me point blank when i was about to sing a barbra streisand song, and i know so many gays who pointedly hate abba. so based on my experience i think the inverse is true. most of the straight men i know are kind of impartial about musicals, but gay men? hate.

my theory is that a lot of gay men don't want to fall into stereotypes, maybe. but thaaaaat's just a theory! a gay theory.

#sci speaks #i'm trying to understand the gays. they are a mystery to me. #i've seen a lot more toxic masculinity coming from gay men than i have from straight men. #i think it makes sense. they have less women in their lives. so they reckon with a lot more masculinity. more dick measuring. #also gay men have some of THE most unhealthy romantic relationships i've ever seen in my life. #this isn't a blanket statement on everyone but just from what i've seen. it's such a strange pattern i've observed. #lesbians? healthy. straights? usually healthy. gay men? universally a tire fire that makes me say “if you hate each other so much ??” #“why are you together??????????” #i have never met a cis gay mlm couple in real life that was healthy. every single one of them made my eyes widen in horror. #i want them to be healthy. please treat each other better. #the number of bitchy bitchy fights i've seen between mlm couples in public that make me so terrified #but i know mlm relationships in general are usually less... affectionate than wlw relationships. even and especially friendships. #just an observation. #i hate to say that there is a definite difference between amab vs afab experiences when it comes to relationship dynamics but. #of course there is. there is. as much as i want to say gender and sex do not matter. it really does. #it makes a difference. it does. #which is kind of why i'm glad i was born in the body i was. when people say “trans means you feel you were born in the wrong body” #im like.. i don't think that's true. i don't think that's true for me. #i wouldn't be me if i wasn't born the way i was. and i want to be me. but i'm a boy. i'm a boy but in the body that i have. #my body is still a boy's body. because i live in here. #sorry this went off on a tangent. #but yeah i know my brain would be different if i was amab. and i don't want all those other issues. #i think the only reason i'm so peaceful and serene is because i'm afab. and afabulous. #i see cis guys and im like.. yeah i don't want what you got. #once again! lucky to be me! i'm lucky. im lucky i have a vargooba. thank fuck for that! #couldve been so much worse off. could've been born with a dick and would be fighting for my life right now.

[possamble]

realizing im kind of a weirdo about laios and marcille

#possramble #ignore this im just babbling but #the thing is that like. i don't ship laios and marcille together. their relationship is so so important to me in that laios comphets himsel #and THINKS that he might be in love with her but he isn't and that's my insane obsession #platonic soulmates for real but they're so sweet together that i fully expect them to be shipped together #like i get it. that's almost the appeal for me. if dungeon meshi were any other series there'd be an epilogue where they get married #convention dictates that they're meant to be together as the male protagonist and his beloved female deuteragonist #but dungeon meshi DOESNT do that and i love it so fucking much they're the comphet besties ever for my strange little brain #like if i ever did an arranged marriage au it would absolutely be laios and marcille having a platonic political marriage and then just #the most insane mutual pining with marcille and falin while laios and marcille struggle their way into becoming best friends #the imagery of the king and his beautiful court mage being tender to each other and everyone thinking they're in love is like catnip to me #like yeah they'd be like that and have no idea people think they should be together and the subversion makes me so obsessed #the more people ship them romantically. the more i enjoy their platonic dynamic it's like some sort of weird comphet fetishism idk #people think they're in love and im outside the window like YES... YES!!! #but also the second i see stuff of them kissing on the mouth or fucking im like oh god no i went too deep in here i gotta get out #don't wanna see that. i'll go feral over the idea of laios and marcille being arm-in-arm like king and queen but they would not fuck. #i want marcille to be his default comphet beard and dance partner/plus one at official royal events but they're not kissing. #she's there on his arm because he's scared of the other noble women tryna get him and being a baby about it #and people see them muttering to each other and laughing and generally being very sweet and think that they're dating but they're not. #she's actually covered in hickies from falin underneath her dress and is gonna get dragon dicked right after the party is over #like she's in her bedroom and falin's helping her take her ridiculous dress off while listening to her complain about politics #and falin is the person she goes home to the person she falls asleep to and wakes up with #they're a triad of utter devotion to each other but only farcille's side of the triangle is romantic #it's almost like an open secret because they're not trying to hide it at all but people assume and are surprised to find out #like people are so right about her relationship with the toudens but with the siblings' roles switched #love of her life & irreplaceable life companion. does anyone get it #anyway. i don't know what's wrong with me #it bothers me that they're not the undisputed most popular het ship for marcille on ao3 #it's unnatural. marcille being paired with any other man should be a fringe case.

[sunflower-cathedral]

Lets Talk About The Perception Of Ren This Season.

Going to try say this as politely as possible, this season it just feels like some people are Infantilizing and really boiling down the relationships he holds with certain hermits to something that it's not + turning Ren into a one dimensional person and character.

I wanted to try address a couple things in this post regarding that; How the fanbase has been reacting to how hermits are treating him on camera mainly (Long Post, so it's under Keep Reading <3).

Regarding how the neighbourhood of ministries have been treating Ren;

They are all very close friends. and have been for up to 10 or so years. Please, for the love of everything holy watch old series like Foolcraft, Hermitcraft UHCs, the Renskall Podcast, older seasons of Hermitcraft etc. Hell, even watch my favourite VOD; Sea Of Thieves. You quickly learn the dynamic they have, and the fact they all go off on playful banter (and also re: British Humour/Love that Cleo and False have mentioned off-handedly in streams and videos before being typically brash and sarcastic. Also not to mention how Martyn is British; I'll get to that later though.) There's a really specific dynamic where Iskall, False and Stress are close friends with him and care about him deeply; and Ren has openly talked about how much the Hermits have helped him out during IRL struggles. The roles and performance they put on for the camera is not going to always reflect how they treat each other off camera, let alone show how much they all deeply care for one another. Cleo has outright mentioned how much they care about Ren on stream too even. A lot of hermits have mentioned how much they appreciate Ren, and have complimented him + said affirmations on stream.

Regarding hermits ribbing him/not playing along;

If something happened that was uncomfortable for Ren or Too Much, it would've been mentioned after and not included in anyone's POVs. Ren's whole kinda thing is being a Theatre Kid, his whole thing is being dramatic and taking up roles for the sake of creating fun storylines and contents for the other hermits to either play along with or turn into something else. If a hermit took it a way Ren wasn't happy with He Would Bring It Up To The Hermits Because They Are Adults And Communicate Amongst Each Other. Like I mentioned above, the banter is very much more part of british humour and culture/attitude, as well as their general dynamic going on.

I've even seen concerns of it being bullying, which is far from the case. I think a lot of us longer term viewers have a better grasp of how much they all care about each other and how deep the friendship goes.

The other concern I have is how like, the joke of him being a 'Wet Pathetic Dog' is kind of going a bit overboard to the point where it's the only defining factor people are mentioning about him? and that like, so much so it genuinely feels more like the fanbase is infantilizing him or making him out to be this damsel in distress who needs to be rescued. He's a grown adult man, who can more than easily speak up for himself and advocate for himself. Minimizing him down to this pathetic useless character who can't do anything is just rude and misses the point of the characters he tends to play when doing storylines. He tries his hardest to organize server events and include all the hermits in things, which is both great for content and a great show of how much the hermits are willing to go along with his ideas and either see where it plays out or evolve it further. Mind you there's always MULTIPLE if not ALL the hermits being willing to play along in these events!! from the mining event this season to the king Ren arc last season all the way to log fellas in season 4.

#this is generally meant to be pretty light hearted in the sense of not something to be taken too intensely #its just kinda heartbreaking seeing people who haven't really been exposed to the dynamic between this group say its bullying or that - #- they dont care about ren or dont appreciate him or what he does #I hope any of this makes sense i'm sleep deprived and also falling asleep and still recovering from a nasty chest infection so godspeed me #rambling #im not brave enough to maintag this soooo #i wanted to add more but my brain is static so take this

[ninjasmudge]

people really will say shit like 'the fic i found hasn't updated in a whole month so i think its been abandoned which is a shame, i wanted to read more' like where do you even get the nerve

#this definitely isnt abt my fic dw #this is me seeing other people start talking about fics in past tense if they havent updated in a little while #as if fic writers are your content creators that are writing for you and need to do it every day to keep the algorithm happy #ao3 doesnt have an algorithm and tiktok and other social media really really does rot your brain #like its a very specific level of anger that arises in me when i see people demanding shit for free constantly from random strangers #just because you liked something they made you think your entitled to tell thrm what to do? to demand more? #to tell them what to invest their time in when most of them have full jobs?? #theres not many things in life that get that deep anger from me but people like that really do #shark talks #l #for me its usually when i post a comic and some idiot is like 'part two?' in the replies immedietly its like. u didnt even reblog #or say you liked it. its a standalone comic what fuckin part 2 do you even want? #you dont even know youre just so used to demanding things like a child that you do it automatically

[svtskneecaps]

ok folks this lives and dies between us but i swear to god with every passing moment and every new fact i learn i am more and more convinced that had i spoken portuguese at age 11 when i got into minecraft youtube the first time i would BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT have had a tiny little baby 11 year old celebrity crush on pactw

#qsmp #pactw #qsmp pac #cute? check. funny? check. smart? check. #did a roleplay series; does funny minigames; MAKES funny minigames #like shit dude if i hadn't worked extremely hard to draw extremely thick lines separating myself mentally from content creators i might now #but i've beat myself over the head with the 'being parasocial only ends up with your favs going to jail' stick #i'm cured. no more unnecessary mental turmoil for me #anyway this is secret shhhhh #shut up vic #block game brainrot #like i don't know how he did during the legendary rp serieses he did back then but holy MOTHER OF PEARL he's an amazing rp'er now #this is not a controversial statement and if you think it is meet me behind the chili's and prepare to forfeit your teeth #question; in brazil what restaurant/food joint/location is the designated brawl zone #like usa tends to be waffle house or chili's or denny's or like. a cracker barrel if you're feeling wild #if you're a brazilian inviting somebody to fight you irl as a meme what do you tell them #(if you are not brazilian but read these tags and want to answer with your unique location go for it i love learning) #long tags #i should be asleep tbh but my brain is like 'heeheehee 2012 never left us <3' #gnight friends like this post if you too would have had a celebrity crush on pactw at age 11 or would theoretically have one at age Now lmao

[sysig]

Getting up to trouble is his speciality (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #ZEX #The Captain #Mixed set! :D Lots of singular doodles - one-offs or ones that apply to a few different scenes #The kiss is random tho <3 I still haven't gotten to ZEX showing off his uniform to Zelnick! I want them to!! #Him seeing his Captain in his uniform was so lovely tho <3 I love Big Love and that was so <3 Hehe #Smooch ♥ #ZEX does not eat enough ;; He eats like a bird and it's highly distressing #I actually wrote in my notes that I was surprised he wasn't hurting In The Same entry as when he was experiencing hunger pangs haha #It doesn't help that he tends to talk through meals rather than eat - he's so much more interested in making connections with humans! #As far as metaphors go - killing himself for the sake of trying to bridge that gap - I mean it's apt but ZEX please #I think it was while he was talking to Wally at one point that he framed the War in a very flippant light-hearted way which was funny to me #I don't think that's the descriptor most people would use haha #Swearing <3 <3 VUX terminology <3 <3 #I want a VUX glossary of terms so badly hehe I've been slowly compiling a few here and there :3 Direct translation! The dream ♫ #Him getting stressed enough to swear is very endearing haha ♪ What do you mean I'm endeared by everything he does don't be silly #The next one of me deeply enjoying when he's creepy is not proof of anything! Just because I Happen to also like that!! #I do really love when he's creepy tho agh <3 <3 The mental image of him as The Hunter - casually cornering and capturing his prey <3 #In that instance he was interrupted pretty quickly but the setup was there!! And it was extremely good!!! #I love how huffy he gets as well haha ''All these humans interrupting my seduction attempts >O( ...Wait O|'' lol #And finally an exchange on the board between him and Scarecrow haha so many fun faces around!! #I love him being completely baffled by a non-mechanical construct it just short-circuits his brain haha ♥ #He's so intelligent but there exists things unknowable! #The image of him tapping his pen is so Incredibly cute ah <3 Where did he learn such a thing! Does it translate from his VUX form to this ♪ #Anything everything ♥ Learned or known! It's wonderful

[mattodore]

can you describe matthias and theo night routines? and their sleep schedule

<3 ly

Theo doesn’t get a lot of sleep since he’s either out partying into the long stretches of the night or up studying until the words begin to blur on the page. I’d say he normally falls asleep around 3AM-4AM and doesn’t wake back up until 7AM. Four-ish hours is pretty average for how much sleep he gets a night… maybe less at times if he’s more stressed than usual. I should add that he does sleep more when he’s staying over at Matthias’s or vice versa, but generally he tries his best not to let Matthias distract him from studying before bed… which only ever works out about a quarter of the time. Matthias can be... very persuasive.

In the case of Matthias, well… he’s a chronic insomniac whose insomnia is exacerbated by hallucinations and nightmares. Unsurprisingly, his sleep schedule is terribly inconsistent, but if he does sleep then I think he normally manages it sometime around noon and will stay asleep for about an hour or two. It’s actually very rare that he falls asleep during the night—especially after Theo begins to sleep over, as Matthias prefers to read and watch over him at that time instead. Theo has fits in his sleep (from nightmares that he never remembers…) and Matthias gently calms him so he doesn’t wake up.

The only time they fall asleep at around the same time is when they’ve been at it for a while and both need a break. Matthias doesn’t stay asleep for long, though… maybe an hour at most. He does sleep easier around Theo, but that’s mostly just when Theo is awake. I think Matthias finds a lot of comfort in knowing Theo is there watching over him. He went through a lot at the reformation school and there were many times within those years where sleep would be abruptly interrupted and then he’d be back on the killing floor, so to speak, so having someone there to watch over him… I think it really helps. Then, on the other hand, Theo sleeps pretty deeply after they’ve been having sex. There’s never a time he feels more cared for and adored than when Matthias is making love to him, so it's... a relaxing experience. It puts Theo's mind at ease and I think it’s probably when Theo feels the safest. So he'll sleep for a long while after, feeling cradled in Matthias's presence, his anxiety finally snuffed out.

As for their actual night routines… hm. They’re very different, especially before and after the start of Echthroi. 

Theo’s night routine stays pretty much the same throughout the story. He’s not one for self-care, like, at all. Because of that, he doesn’t necessarily have a routine… Theo’s honestly only really meticulous in his studies and everything else suffers for it. However, Theo physically cannot fall asleep unless he’s checked the locks on the windows and doors and closed all of the blinds and curtains. That’s the one routine of his he’s always sure to follow through on, even when he’s intoxicated or sleep deprived.

Otherwise, what else he does as part of his “routine” is up in the air. Sometimes he showers before bed, other times he showers after waking up. Sometimes he combs through his hair all nicely and other times he just impatiently rips his fingers through his hair and shrugs. Sometimes he forgets to brush his teeth, other times he forgets that he’s already brushed his teeth and ends up doing it again. He’s a bit of a mess. If he’s actually aware/awake enough to put himself to bed, then he’ll messily wipe any makeup off his face post-clubbing and/or he’ll shower post-hook up (if it’s the pre-Matthias part of Echthroi). If he’s tired from studying he’ll put all of his materials away and then flop down on his bed. If he has to see his parents in the morning then he’ll wind up in the bathroom for too long, brushing his teeth until his gums bleed. If we’re talking about Theo in the post-meeting Matthias part of the story then he might take a cold shower to try and get Matthias out of his head for a little bit, or he’ll find himself laying in bed staring warily at his phone. Hm… and in general Theo will hum lullabies to himself so he can fall asleep easier… it’s a childhood habit.

By nature of Matthias’s insomnia, Matthias doesn’t exactly find himself preparing for bed during the night like most people. He does, however, still run through his personal care routine at around 8pm. He showers, brushes, flosses, cleanses and hydrates, primps and preens, and then he’ll usually find himself entertaining guests or a partner for the night.

For Matthias pre-meeting Theo, he’s often not alone after dark as he has a string of men with whom he takes to his bed or a list of faceless people to call on whenever he wants to be surrounded by bodies and chatter. There are still quiet nights where he’s by himself or just with Imani, but they’re relatively few and far between. For Matthias post-meeting Theo… woof. He did sleep around here and there still, but I think he gave it up pretty early on… his mind was always swimming with thoughts of Theo and he couldn’t focus on nor did he find himself interested in the men he’d have under him. So after meeting Theo his usual night circuit changes and he often finds himself staying home and reading with some wine and the occasional glance at his phone, waiting for a response. Matthias does a lot of waiting when it comes to Theo.

If they're together at night (when they’re dating), then Matthias will usually make dinner for Theo. He likes feeding him (by hand, even, though Theo often protests). Normally Theo will have a few textbooks with him that he can study from while he waits for dinner and he always winds up going "give me a minute" when the food is finally done. They'll enjoy each other's company just fine at home or they'll go out for a drive or a walk. Theo often winds up getting roped into following along with Matthias's night routine and will poke fun at how fussy Matthias can be as Matthias does skincare beside him in the bathroom. Theo tries to get away with studying again later in the night, but Matthias likes to distract him as he’s personally offended whenever Theo whips out his textbooks past, like, 11PM. In general, they'll wind up having sex at some point, or multiple points, and then they'll shower together. After they towel off and Matthias dries Theo's hair, Matthias will most likely end up reading to Theo until Theo falls asleep. If Theo wakes up during the night, Matthias simply kisses him back to sleep.

#i feel like i should add a cw for theo brushing his teeth like that but have no idea what i’d tag it as… #river dipping #asks #anonymous #oc extras #theodore doe #matthias evanoff #a burning house to live in #echthroi #ts4 #laying on my stomach in bed kicking my feet in the air and smiling at my laptop screen <3 love you toooooo #i'm sorry it took me so long to get around to replying to this but the horrors... yk how they can be i'm sure #literally took me weeks to write this out... those questionnaires took a toll on my brain clearly but i love them so it's okay #let this get away from me in length a bit but. well. dennis reynolds voice i've got shit to say etc. etc. #no but ummm... honestly my personality disorder is still being a little crazy atm so i'm still not really ready to talk much um. #and i'm probably going to continue to stay offline here for a few more days... #but i wanted to finally post this bc i really am sorry for how long it took me to get around to it... #and i also wanted to say thank you to everyone who sent me messages even if i didn't respond bc i felt embarrassed. huge kisses <3 #seeing the ''24 days ago'' timestamp on this as i finally go to hit post... woof. again i'm so sorry 😭 thank you for letting me talk #your ear off about them tho!!! seriously so grateful to have someone who's curious abt them like huuuge kisses for you as well!

[todayisafridaynight]

would it be okay if u told me why u like aoki😭/gen😭😭😭😭BEEN TRYNA LIKE HIM FOR SO LONG I JUST CANTT but i love ur art so much so i still consume it otherwise lol

i liked tohru adachi in high school and tbh i think that alone is enough of an explanation for why i ended up liking aoki

#snap chats #haha see i told you last post's tags were relevant #anyway vLKVJEVLKAEJVLKJ IM CRYING ANON youre so funny. this is the funniest ask i coulda got thank you so much #i dont know why i like him either <- yes i do #fine lets get Real Talk about it #well first off all i thought he looked hot rolling out the elevator and i was playing the eng dub and i think his voice sounds hot there #and thats like. not athing that happens to me ever <- literally thought sawashiro was hot two frames into the game but anyway #i like politician characters. or characters that are in a position of power ESPECIALLY if they have to act like they dont suck balls #like i very much love the idea of the power of charisma and that type of thing not to mention the 'strategizing' as aoki puts it #that comes with politics. LIKE HE SUCKS DONT GET IT TWISTED HE SUCKS BUT //shrug emoji// #like its why i love the mine rggo stories i like seeing mine's thought process and how he uses his intelligence #smart's sexy to me idk what to tell you but moving on #its fun watching him lose his cool too ESP IN HIS FIGHT LMAO HE STOMPIN HIS FOOT LIKE A TODDLER SHUT UP #i also really love the arakawa family in general and thinking of aoki's relationship with each of them makes my brain explode #especially him and sawashiro that shit is painful to watch and i love it so much #i also thought him going from goth to republican was the funniest shit in the world like i howled at that AND i was distraught #aokis so interesting to me from the notion that he IS loved by his family but he has so much hatred for himself it eats him up #and as a result he cant be happy no matter what he does- how hes constantly seeking validation even if it's nothing meaningful #his lil. Dog-Eat-Dog world world belief to ichi also appealed to my edgy depressed high schooler brain. sorry. #his speech at the lockers also got to me. unfortunately. sorry everyone i empathized too hard it got too real it wasnt funny anymore #like as much as i complain bout the very end the ending is what solidified me liking aoki if not also cause of ichi's impact in those scene #plus... analyzing him and the environment around him is so much fun too.... #idk reasons for why i like aoki also boil down to personal reasons. he still sucks tho so i cant be upset when people hate him LOL #i probably have more reasons or could elaborate more i love rambling but i mean. who really wants to read all that 💀💀 #maybe for a character that WASNT the worst but. aoki is so LMAO #thank you for loving my art regardless :) im sorry i have to be attached to the worst guys ever

[iamthemaestro]

had a character development moment today where I realized maybe I simply do not have a healthy relationship to classical music anymore

#i always felt terrible about 'losing interest' but it never felt right to say that #partially as a music student but partially because i *love* classical music I always have and I still do #so perhaps it's not that i've lost interest #for lack of a better term i just can't be normal about it anymore #it just. exhausts me #like i wish i could just turn the analysis brain off even for a moment #and just enjoy it #but it's ironic because the analysis brain is a result of the fact that i love it so much #idk. i just want to be able to listen without it feeling like it has to be a source of self-improvement. #without it feeling like an educational endeavor every single time #i love learning about it but if you turn every single interaction you have with a thing into a learning interaction #it does kind of eat away at the fun you have with it if you're not careful #because at a certain point you stop thinking about what you enjoy about it and what you love about it #in favor of what you can glean from it #and like. if you just think about that out of context. that's not a healthy form of love #idk. ironically enough maybe i need to not immediately jump to the score videos #i think i need to just listen to things again #like I don't actually Need to know how they work immediately. that information is going to be there regardless #i can just. try to listen again #idk. very specific problem to have #the things you go through when you spend your life so intensely steeped in one art form #i would be more normal about it if i was less intimate with it in a way. it's a double edged sword #because at least i know it's this thing i carry with me so deeply and so permanently #this thing that has ingrained itself into my very being and the way i think #it's as dangerous as it is wonderful #i just wish i could wield it better #anyway. #composerposting #mine

[lurking-latinist]

⛵

#I also keep seeing modern au aubrey-maturin art #that makes me wish I could draw and thereby contribute #unfortunately I can't even *write* modern aus generally. but I like transferring character dynamics from place to place in my brain #and I feel like I could do a university AU very nicely if I could do AUs at all #because I have had rowers in my class with as far as I could tell jack's exact personality #(unfortunately it has to be a US university AU because (a) that's what I know and (b) afaik nobody else does randomly assigned roommates) #(and I cannot pass up the opportunity for randomly assigned roommates. #OR RATHER #for 'you seem more or less human - quick let's request each other so we don't have to go into potluck' #I think that works best) #(but maybe they are both international students anyway. that works fine. & therefore extremely alarmed by potluck [can't say they're wrong] #sophie is a sorority girl. english major I think. and I can see her so clearly #(she's the part I want to draw) #she's not that into the high-octane social schedule her sorority expects her to have #but her pushy mother was a member and it is Unthinkable that sophie should not be #and a lot of the other girls are sweet :) so it's fine :) she says #feel like she has roommate issues (unlike her original self she is able to live away from mrs williams so this makes up for that) #so she's always over in jack and stephen's room. people who know her tangentially sometimes gossip about which one she's actually dating #(at that particular moment it is actually neither of them she's just hanging out with stephen) #diana freed from the shackles of 19th century womanhood creates even more and weirder drama than in canon #idk I just want to see the plot of post captain played out over text message #don't ask me HOW idk HOW i just want it #stephen is a biology major/pre-med obvs. if he can survive organic chemistry #jack is some kind of engineering major. I think he'd enjoy that with the math. diana has changed her major 7 times #(I don't know whether to put jack in rotc. I don't think it Actually actually fits - he's in the navy in canon because he's in the navy #not bc he's Inevitably Military In All Worlds. he would not want to do that if he didn't get to sail #but at the same time I find it hard to picture him not belonging to Discipline somehow. #it's more than a disinterested passion for cleanliness that drives him to wash stephen's mug for him that has had coffee and ramen in it #(and NOT in that order) #in the bathroom sink

[torchickentacos]

I could post the entire transcript of destiny deoxys as a text wall just to be annoying, and nobody could stop me. Do you ever sit and think about the power at your fingertips? Because I do.

#not a threat. just an option. #back to exam studying. sigh. #the one i found kind of sucks though. naturally my brain goes 'well. if you want it done right then do it yourself'. #as if that's at ALL a good use of my time. it's absolutely not. i won't do it. for now. but I could. #the urge to sink hours into something tedious/boring/unasked for/unrewarding..... it tempts me more than studying does. I'll say that much #being bored will have you wondering 'hm. what if i hole punched an entire piece of paper for fun' #or 'hm. what if I transcribe this entire movie from like 2006 for literally no reason other than it's-not-phosphorylation'

[milflewis]

.

#in a strange place today and i need to put this somewhere. i do not have a journal yet. this is it #my grandad was diagnosed with dementia years ago and the grandad i have now is often unrecognisable from the one i grew up with #and while this like isn’t fun and it is strange for him to look at me and not know me more times than he does. it has also been kind of l #lovely? #bc he thinks my granny is still alive so whenever i get to go see him i get to pretend she is too. and she is for a minute. and tho i am #glad she went before him. it is nice to say oh i’m popping in to see her after this grandad and talk about her like she’s hasn’t been gone #since i’ve been ten. my dad has spoken more to him in the last five years than he has his whole life #he was not an easy man. he was loud and friendly and hard working and funny and scary but not easy. in ways he is even #harder now. in others he is easier. #he is more of a child. this is what dementia can do to a brain. we are learning things about his childhood that no one alive has ever spoken #about. that no one knew. my dad doesn’t love him more now but he understands him better #my grandad taught me how to drive a tractor and how to fish through my dad and he has not recognised me in over a year and he #hasn’t walked since he broke his pelvis seven years ago and his muscles are nearly all gone. he is a fraction of the size he used to be. his #personality and body took up my childhood like adults on the screen in cartoons. he hasn’t dressed himself in a decade. he told one of the #nurses that after dinner he wanted ice cream plain like herself and nearly peed when she laughed and told him to fuck off #he is in there. he is himself. i know him. but he isn’t. he doesn’t know me but he allows me to tell him how to ppl he knows are doing. he #still somehow trusts me. we talk a lot about my granny and how she stayed up watching tv again last night so she’s tired today. don’t stay #long when you call in to see her? #whenever we would journey to see him and my granny and get in v late he’d ask us if we wanted apple tart and my granny would say michael. #not ur kids. u can’t parent them. he didn’t know my name yesterday but he asked me if i wanted apple tart #i hope he dies soon. for all that i will miss this. miss my dad having this. he would not want to live like this. it wouldntbe living to him

[eggwishing]

little peek at somethjing i am cooking up ...

#this is rlly rough but rn im just blocking everything out #i have like 6.5 pages sketched so far this is already going faster than last time i think..^_^ #im having a blast also #im tryna rewire my brain . every time i think Blehhh i hate drawing i just want to see it done i gotta stop n correct myself #like Hey wait you actually love drawing why are you telling yourself this The process is frustrating sometimes but that comes with art #i had to redraw this one page like 4 separate times and i still didn't feel like giving up #like yeah i was feeling pressed but at the same time i was being patient with myself #like this is part of improving Stop laying on the floor and wondering why you're even doin this you've always loved it #only drawing when u know it's gonna turn out good defeats the whole purpose of learning #also i added cal last minute to this comic and im gladi did he's so creeepy #im very excited to get this done Not impatient like i was before #im impatient for people to see it yeah lol but not w myself #and im not gonna be all like “yeah we'll see how long this lasts lol” bc i think that's already setting myself up for burning out #i have hope that i can keep enjoying art like this I just need to change the way i think #and accept the messy n ugly. the perfect is the enemy of the good #aaron blaise really inspires me. he sincerely loves what he does and i want to be like that #this is also gonna be more comic-like Panelwise i think #scott pilgrim n my bro inspired me #also the way cal's face cuts off on the right makes sense in context he's peekin from behind a chair

[orchideae]

In today's episode of 'Sae, do you (...)': the topic of Ningguang and Yelan, and I thought that I should note my opinion more clearly outside of my rules as it's very important information for my portrayal: I do not ship Ningguang and Yelan romantically.

Honestly, while this is of course my own opinion, I don't find that there's anything to really substantiate a romantic interest between the two. For starters, I don't think that Ning, as interesting of a character as she is with a past that might just be similar in its 'rise' to Yelan's (we're left with very little information on the latter's childhood), ticks the right kind of boxes for her, though to be fair: not many do. Yelan craves a specific sort of thrill in her life, I mean she lives it at the roll of a dice because she is, on some level, bored, and craves the unexpected, the unusual, the 'surprise', and Ningguang's life nor personality seem to play into that. Beyond it, Yelan would need a kinship within this very specific 'loneliness' that I talk about too often and I think that Ning is not one who quite meshes into that in the right way.

Second, despite their long-standing history that even predates their mutual involvement with the Qixing, there seems to be a certain professional distance between the two that I'm quite fond of that is shown in brief event cutscenes, and also Yelan's vision story, that I find inherently intriguing. Perhaps this distance plays more into Yelan's character of not investing too heavily, or rather not too easily, into social dynamics than it does Ning's (I'm not one to weigh in on her character), but it seems evident to me that there's also that semblance of professionalism that creates a line that takes away the possibility of growing closer on an emotional level. And whether that's a mutual decision or not is not up to me to judge, but I think it's one that's made rather clearly from Yelan's side. On top of that, Yelan is Yelan and it's my personal belief that shipping her is rather difficult.

Now I'm also inherently of the opinion (unpopular, I know, I apologize) that dynamics aren't always more interesting when written in romantic settings, and I don't think it's a benefit for all of them to veer into a romantic nature. And in my opinion (and most importantly: in my depiction and understanding of Yelan's character), I think that having Ning and Yelan cross the line from professionalism into something inherently more rooted in romanticism, would be a detriment to their dynamic. Because honestly, I think the fact that Ningguang being one of two people (other being Uncle Tian) to know Yelan best, without ever crossing that line, is too good. I would simply, well, just prefer to keep that not only platonic, but professional, but of course not excluding it of Yelan's quips, and the occasional 'confidant' element.

/rambles in tags because I feel like I have more to say that I shouldn't flood the post with.

#[ psa. ] seeing isn't always believing. and if you can't trust your eyes; you certainly can't trust rumors. #[ also; and this is where you'll learn more about my 'single-ship' self-- i love the concept of ningguang and beidou. ] #[ and i wouldn't want to take away from that dynamic /in my own head/. it's not about what others do/see/view. but about my own head. ] #[ if i did ship it-- it'd counter that dynamic and i don't like that (again: in my own brain). ] #[ i'm an odd rper in that sense; but i almost have difficulty straying from this... single verse concept. ] #[ in my head i tie specific characters to other specific characters after a lot of thought and i don't commit to those thoughts easily. ] #[ but then i construct this entire huge narrative in my head that's almost like its own book. ] #[ and so i can't easily 'copy' that multiple times for multiple ships. does that make sense? ] #[ but /because/ i do that-- i heavily scrutinize dynamics across the board and it's where a lot of my enjoyment as a writer comes from. ] #[ these analyses of specific characters and dynamics. why are they the way that they are? ] #[ it's psychology. i love it. it's not just saying 'i love finding out what makes characters tick' but it's actively really going... ] #[ 'yeah okay i could ship these-- but is there basis for it and /why/ and /in what capacity/ and specifically: /would they decide to/? ] #[ sometimes i tell myself that i'm not made for rp'ing because i'm too analytical meshed in with too much emotion. ] #[ because i get too invested. ] #[ but i just-- i don't know. i wanted to kind of explain why pointing stuff like this out is important to me and my portrayal. ] #[ especially for yelan who has such a... god; it's almost an unhealthy headspace. you can't mesh that with just anyone. ] #[ the person has to /really get it/ and understand it almost on this level that isn't logical for most humans. because it's unusual. ] #[ but it's important that it's understood /by another human being/. ] #[ and i also think some people genuinely don't mesh in /that/ way. some can mesh perfectly platonically in my head and then... ] #[ not at all romantically. but when /my head/ has decided that this is how it is-- i respect when people disagree; i do. ] #[ i will never say that my opinions are the be all end all for other yelans or even yelan's character in specific. ] #[ as much as i like to think i analyze-- /i could be wrong/. ] #[ but all in all; i do respect if people disagree. but there's just certain opinions i have for my own portrayal that i need to note. ] #[ but also-- a little explanation as to why i'm single-ship more often than not. i wish i could budge how my brain works. but alas. ] #[ /sips coffee past midnight. ] #[ it's been a day. it really has been a day; i need to make my own serotonin tomorrow. i miss writing. ]