#like its a very specific level of anger that arises in me when i see people demanding shit for free constantly from random strangers

[ninjasmudge]

people really will say shit like 'the fic i found hasn't updated in a whole month so i think its been abandoned which is a shame, i wanted to read more' like where do you even get the nerve

#this definitely isnt abt my fic dw #this is me seeing other people start talking about fics in past tense if they havent updated in a little while #as if fic writers are your content creators that are writing for you and need to do it every day to keep the algorithm happy #ao3 doesnt have an algorithm and tiktok and other social media really really does rot your brain #like its a very specific level of anger that arises in me when i see people demanding shit for free constantly from random strangers #just because you liked something they made you think your entitled to tell thrm what to do? to demand more? #to tell them what to invest their time in when most of them have full jobs?? #theres not many things in life that get that deep anger from me but people like that really do #shark talks #l #for me its usually when i post a comic and some idiot is like 'part two?' in the replies immedietly its like. u didnt even reblog #or say you liked it. its a standalone comic what fuckin part 2 do you even want? #you dont even know youre just so used to demanding things like a child that you do it automatically

[selflessanatta]

The Advantages of Meditation as Documented by Leading Scientists, https://selflessanatta.com/the-advantages-of-meditation-as-documented-by-leading-scientists/

New Post has been published on https://selflessanatta.com/the-advantages-of-meditation-as-documented-by-leading-scientists/

The Advantages of Meditation as Documented by Leading Scientists

There is a physical, identifiable process in the brain that separates experienced meditators from those who are not as experienced.

Very experienced meditators report feelings of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions when experiencing life as if everything is new and fresh.

They report a lack of disturbing thoughts, and their minds are peaceful, their outlook happy.

In short, very experienced meditators exhibit all the signs everyone, everywhere, is seeking.

And this is backed by modern science.

Daniel Goleman | Big Think

Co author of Altered Traits (named after the 1980 Blockbuster Altered States) with Richard Davidson.

The key takeaway I get from the above video is how they identified a specific brainwave pattern, the gamma wave, that only shows up in very experienced meditators.

Buddhist meditators call this “Beginners Mind,” or Shoshin, which is ironic because no beginner experiences it.

Scientists freely admit they have no idea what this is.

What Daniel Goleman concludes is that advanced meditators do live in a different mind reality than most people.

Call it enlightenment, call it a higher level of consciousness, call it what you will.

There is clearly a mental and emotional state that rises above the ordinary that can only be reached through many, many hours of meditation.

Further confirmation comes from the following video.

Meditation’s Impact on the Brain | Documentary Clip

For more information go to https://www.ajoyfulmind.com/

Anil Seth and the Forefront of Neuroscience

The consensus of modern neuroscience says I’m hallucinating me, and you are hallucinating you.

Do you find that idea unsettling? Watch the video below, multiple times if necessary to absorb its message.

(Anil Seth, I salute you! Everything I understand about neuroscience I owe to you. You are a Giant who’s shoulders I stand on.

The Long version is even better.

How does the collection of cells, neurons, and brain parts generate consciousness?

David Chalmers calls this the Hard Problem of Consciousness.

The fields of neuroscience and philosophy are converging in this area.

Meditators will show them the way.

With practiced meditation, you can see and experience these realizations firsthand.

No need to take anyone else’s word for it.

The Gamma Wave and the Rubicon of 24/7 Meditation

In the first video, Daniel Goleman openly admitted that scientists don’t know what they are looking at and how this sustained gamma wave brain state comes to pass.

Here is my theory.

See Object Meditation: Tibet’s Great Contribution to Buddhism

When practitioners meditate often, particularly when engaged in object meditation, they develop a large number of mental disciplines that they take with them outside of the meditation session.

By far, the most impactful mental discipline I took on was applying opponents and utilizing the Sword of Wisdom.

It’s a fancy way of saying that I learned to cut off negative thoughts before they triggered other negative thoughts that polluted my mind.

When something occurs that triggers an angry response, I immediately call up the many reasons not to become angry, distract my mind from the stimulus, and bring on other opponents like compassion if some person is the trigger.

When I see someone with greater wealth, attainments, fame, or anything else I might desire, if jealousy arises, I immediately remind myself of the benefits of rejoicing for their good fortune.

Whenever something occurs that I consider undesirable, I immediately remind myself it is a result of my past actions, and I stop the downward spiral into victim thinking.

Since events that trigger anger, jealousy, or delusion happen thousands of times per day, these mental disciplines become an extended meditation.

Plus, the rigorous application of opponent forces keeps the mind pure, peaceful, and undisturbed.

Gamma waves are the brain state of an undisturbed mind focused on virtue.

Eckhart Tolle describes the pain body. Heading off a pain-body episode is the point of applying opponents and utilizing the Sword of Wisdom.

Eckhart Tolle’s advice is priceless.

The Sword of Wisdom is actually a group of mental disciplines that are all utilized the same way.

They put out fires when they are a spark before they become a raging inferno.

When these mental disciplines become engrained, practitioners find themselves engaged in mediation all the time, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

This greatly accelerates a practitioner’s progress.

The experience of meditation is no longer confined to the formal meditation session.

That’s when meditators cross the Rubicon, develop gamma wave brain states and their mental and emotional makeup is forever changed.

John C. Lilly the first scientist to explore consciousness.

John C. Lilly invented the float tank.

When John C. Lilly invented the float tank, he was a scientist who wanted to explore what would happen if consciousness was completely isolated from outside stimuli.

He set up an experiment, collected data, and reported his results.

He wrote Programming and Metaprogramming in the Human Biocomputer, which is still available for reprint.

He intentionally made the first few chapters nearly academically impenetrable. After that, the book gets very, very interesting.

He was the first scientist to give a good report on the advantages of meditation and how it impacts the mind.

My Personal Scientific Exploration of Meditation

I spent many hours in float tanks practicing meditation in total sensory deprivation.

When I first started, I had no particular agenda other than to see what would happen, similar to John C. Lilly.

What I discovered frightened me.

There is an unfathomable amount of garbage fermenting in the subconscious mind.

Parallel versus Serial processing

Your brain is a powerful parallel processor.

It processes thousands upon thousands of feelings and thoughts simultaneously, all day, and all night when you are not in Delta sleep.

Your consciousness is a serial processor working on top of the parallel one.

Consciousness presents the most important (highly emotionally charged) of these parallel ideas to the perceptual field that “You” identify with.

This presentation is sequential; thus you experience a “stream of consciousness.”

Why is this important?

Because 99% or more of your mental activity is happening behind the scenes, beneath the level of your conscious awareness.

These feelings and thoughts motivate most of your behavior and determine your moods.

Ignore what’s happening in your subconscious mind at your peril.

Weeding the garden of my mind

When I discovered the reality of my own mind, I suddenly became highly motivated to clean it up.

Once I realized I had thousands of poisonous thoughts taking root in my mind, I knew I had to do something.

Fortunately, I had been previously exposed to Lamrim, so I knew of a method for weeding my mental garden.

I devoted several hundred hours to practicing it.

It works.

Lamrim Meditations

Practicing Lamrim Meditations changed my life. It can change yours, too.

The New Meditation Handbook from Tharpa Publications, production of the New Kadampa Tradition:

The New Meditation Handbook is a practical guide to meditation that teaches us how to make ourself and others happy by developing inner peace, and in this way making our lives more meaningful. Without inner peace there is no real happiness at all. Problems, suffering and unhappiness do not exist outside the mind; they are feelings and thus part of our mind. Therefore, it is only by controlling our mind that we can permanently stop our problems and make ourself and others truly happy. The twenty-one Buddhist meditation practices presented in this book are actual methods to control our mind and experience lasting inner peace. This extremely practical guide is an indispensable handbook for those seeking happiness and meaning in their lives.

This one book, more than any other, is responsible for changing my life.

I also own the three-volume set The Great Treatise on the Stages of the Path to Enlightenment, an extended study on Lamrim.

I’m into it.

The books are merely a guide. It’s the practice; it’s doing the meditations that change your heart and your life.

Practice, practice, practice.

Buying the book merely for intellectual knowledge is a waste of time.

Understanding gets you nowhere.

Feelings lead to your destination.

The original Lamrim sequence was prepared by the Buddhist Master Atisha (982–1054). It was later updated by Je Tsongkhapa (1357–1419) and translated by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso (1931–2022).

Geshe Kelsang Gyatso– 1931–2022, RIP. You were the bridge between our cultures. I owe you everything. I felt your Love. Thank you.

I request one last Blessing: Please, find me in the Bardo and guide me on my journey. I will navigate by the Power of your Radiant Light.

Meditation Basics

The book starts with a brief overview of what mediation is and why the handbook focuses on virtuous objects.

See Object Meditation: Tibet’s Great Contribution to Buddhism

Vajrayāna Buddhism is prevalent in Tibet, and it’s the form of meditation I practice.

They take object meditation to the extreme.

It’s called object meditation, but I don’t focus my attention on things.

The “object” of meditation is a virtue or, more specifically, the feelings that arise when I think about virtue.

In the meditations, I start with a contemplation, and when the feeling arises, I hold onto that feeling for as long as I can, hours when I have the concentration for it.

If I lose the feeling, I return to the contemplation, generate the feeling again, and then hold it.

I became well-practiced at generating and holding virtuous feelings in my heart.

So will you.

What is Virtue?

The Vajrayāna Buddhists have a simple test for virtue.

A virtuous object causes the meditator to develop a peaceful mind when concentrated on it.

If we concentrate on an object that disturbs our mind, like anger, jealousy, or attachment, then the object is non-virtuous.

The entire point of meditation in the Vajrayāna tradition is to attain peace of mind.

Identifying Virtue doesn’t take complex edifices of reasoning like Stoicism.

Virtue is revealed by a peaceful mind.

More Scientists Discussing Meditation

I don’t agree with 100% of what every scientist says about meditation. Many have only a passing familiarity with the process and don’t actually practice it.

Many who do meditate have not taken it as far as I have, and certainly not as far as monks and nuns who’ve devoted their lives to the practice.

However, these people know science, and what they say about meditation is backed up by data.

Lots of data.

You can’t discount that completely.

Andrew Huberman

Andrew Huberman is one of the most brilliant and insightful scientists working with the Mind today. From his website:

Andrew Huberman, Ph.D., is a neuroscientist and tenured professor in the department of neurobiology, and by courtesy, psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford School of Medicine. He has made numerous significant contributions to the fields of brain development, brain function and neural plasticity, which is the ability of our nervous system to rewire and learn new behaviors, skills and cognitive functioning.

Think Big

I am a fan of the Think Big project.

The video below is one of their better ones.

Mindfulness is about speeding up our mental processes.

During my awakening, I increased my mental processing by 50% to 80%.

It’s a real thing.

See: What I Felt When I Won the Lottery

~~wink~~

Anatta

[vajranam]

Dealing With Anger

ON DEALING WITH ANGER

Undoubtedly, both Shantideva and the Dalai Lama are most articulate in their discourse on how to deal with anger and hatred.

Shantideva in fact opens the chapter on patience with the strong statement that an instance of anger can destroy positive imprints created over “a thousand eons.”

He further asserts that there is no evil like hatred and that there is no fortitude like patience. Thus, he recommends that we all seek to develop patience.

In Shantideva’s view, anger acts as the principal obstacle to the development of patience. To use the well-known medical analogy, hatred is the poison and patience is the medicine that removes the poisonous toxins from within the mind.

As the Dalai Lama’s commentary makes clear, Shantideva identifies two key elements in our attempts to overcome anger.

First and foremost, it is important for us to have a profound appreciation of the negativity of anger. Of particular relevance is to reflect upon the destructive effects of generating anger.

Second, Shantideva identifies the need to develop a deep understanding of the causal mechanism which underlies the arisal of anger. This is of special interest to the modern reader, who will unavoidably be approaching Shantideva’s text with many of the popular assumptions associated with modern psychology and its views on human emotions.

In verse 7 of the chapter, Shantideva makes the crucial observation that the “fuel” of anger is what he calls “mental discomfort.” This is an interesting notion. The Tibetan word is yi mi-dewa which can be translated as “dejection,” “unhappiness,” or simply as “dissatisfaction.”

It is best understood as a pervasive, underlying sense of dissatisfaction, which need not be felt at the conscious level. It is that nagging feeling that something is not quite right.

Shantideva seems to be suggesting that it is this underlying sense of dissatisfaction that gives rise to frustration. When this happens, the conditions are set for an immediate outburst of anger when things do not go the way we wish.

Once this causal nexus between dissatisfaction, frustration, and anger is understood, we can then appreciate the virtue of Shantideva’s approach to dealing with anger. We can see that much of his approach is aimed at rooting out this underlying sense of dissatisfaction rather than engaging in a head-to-head confrontation with actual full-blown anger.

This is the reason for Shantideva’s emphasis on reflections which aim to create stability of mind. As to the specific practices, the reader can follow the detailed commentary of the Dalai Lama in the appropriate sections of the book.

An important point to note here is that Shantideva does not appear to make any distinction between anger and hatred in his discussion.

However, the Dalai Lama’s commentary explicitly underlines this critical distinction. He observes that, in principle, it may be possible to accept what could be called a “positive anger.”

Anger as an outrage toward injustice done to others can often be an important catalyst for powerful altruistic deeds.

However, he rejects such possibility with regard to hatred. For the Dalai Lama, hatred can have no virtue. It only eats the person from within and poisons his or her interactions with fellow human beings. In his words, “Hatred is the true enemy; it is the inner enemy.”

Perhaps we can say that the feature that distinguishes anger and hatred is the absence or presence of ill-will. A person can be angry without bearing any ill-will toward his or her object of anger. The Dalai Lama instructs us to ensure that our anger, even when it arises, never culminates in full-blown hatred. This, I think, is an important ethical teaching.

A few words on some of the general principles which lie behind the approaches suggested in this book for dealing with our emotions and developing patience may perhaps help the general reader.

A key principle is a belief in what could be called the plasticity of the mind, that is, an assumption of the mind’s limitless capacity for improvement. This is supported by a complex understanding of the psychology of the mind and its various modalities.

Both Shantideva and the Dalai Lama are operating within a long history of Buddhist psychology and philosophy of mind which emphasizes a detailed analysis of human emotions.

Generally speaking, in this view the mind is perceived in terms of a complex, dynamic system where both cognitive and affective dimensions of the psyche are seen as an integrated whole.

So, when the two masters present means of dealing with emotions such as anger, they are not suggesting that we should suppress them. Both Buddhist and modern psychology agree on the harmfulness of mere suppression.

The Buddhist approach is to get at the root so that the very basis for anger is undercut. In other words, Shantideva and the Dalai Lama are suggesting ways of reorienting our character so that we become less prone to strong reactive emotions such as anger. It is in this light that most of the reflections recommended in this volume should be understood.

The motto is simple: Discipline your mind. Shantideva underlines the critical importance of this inner discipline with a wonderful analogy:

Where would I possibly find enough leather

With which to cover the surface of the earth?

But (wearing) just leather on the soles of my shoes

Is equivalent to covering the earth with it.

Likewise it is not possible for me

To restrain the external course of things;

But should I restrain this mind of mine

What would be the need to restrain all else?

(Guide, V:13–14)

This of course is reminiscent of the memorable verse from the Dhammapada in which the Buddha says:

Intangible and subtle is the mind,

That flies after fancies as it likes;

Wise are those who discipline their minds,

For a mind well-disciplined brings great joy. (Verse 35)

Shantideva calls this basic Buddhist practice “guarding the mind” and he discusses it at great length in chapter 5 of his Guide.

Another general principle I wish to draw the reader’s attention to is the basic pragmatism of Shantideva’s teachings. He does not appear to believe in the possibility of one cure or solution to any problem.

His is a strategy that involves drawing extensively from all our inner resources. Many of his arguments appeal to what we may call human rationality. But he also uses approaches that appeal to our fundamental humanitarian sentiments. Often he plays upon our sense of moral outrage too. So, the bottom line seems to be “whatever works best.”

In the final analysis, many of the approaches presented in this book are insights grounded in common sense. For example, who can argue with the sheer practicality of the following lines, which the Dalai Lama is so fond of quoting:

Why be unhappy about something

If it can be remedied?

And what is the use of being unhappy about something

If it cannot be remedied? (Guide, VI:10)

Perhaps most importantly for the modern reader, it is vital to appreciate that both Shantideva and the Dalai Lama do not believe in “instant enlightenment.”

In their teachings, there is the basic assumption that cultivating inner discipline is a time-consuming process. In fact, the Dalai Lama rightly points out that having expectations of immediate results is a sign of impatience, the very factor the teachings in this volume aim to counteract.

With a sense of irony, he observes that often what the modern reader wants is “the best, the fastest, the easiest, and, if possible, the cheapest way.” So the journey of someone who is on the path of self-betterment is arduous and requires long commitment.

Nevertheless, the rewards of embarking upon such a journey are potentially enormous. Even in immediate terms, the benefit such an endeavor brings to the traveler’s life seems remarkable.

If the Dalai Lama is representative of those who have gained the fruits of this journey, its merits are shown to be beyond question.

Geshe Thupten Jinpa

Girton College

University of Cambridge

Perfecting Patience - His Holiness the Dalai Lama & Geshe Thupten Jinpa - Shambhala Publications, Inc.

#wisdom #spirituality #mindfulness #meditation #religion #buddhism #self care #zen #visualization #tibet #mystichealingtherapy

[listentothelittlebird]

This was a first draft to Protect Our Own, from my Code Bat series on Ao3! It’s a reimagining of Jason Todd breaking into Titans tower, in a world where Robin is a myth and Tim Drake goes by Alvin, unnamed vigilante, with the Titans. Enjoy!

Shit. Jason was screwed.

Even as he held the tablet in his hands, watching the very concerning stalker-level footage that the League had gathered, he knew. He knew without a doubt that he was watching the new Robin. The target chosen for him was, of all the options the world could give him, Robin.

“This boy is a member of a group of young superheroes known as Young Justice. They recently went under the mentorship of older superheroes, to become the newest team of Teen Titans,” Talia Al Ghul explained passively, and Jason did not like the gleam in her eyes as she watched the young boy fight, “Lady Shiva met the boy, once, and agreed to train him. Even she is unaware of who his previous mentors were.”

Thank goodness for small mercies.

Then Talia turned to Jason. “You have done an admirable job of controlling your Pit Madness,” she smiled sharply, and Jason was reminded of all the deaths he had caused, all the people who had taught him and were murdered by him, using their own tactics, “And you have learnt fast. As promised, you will complete one contracted kill, and you will be released to exact your own revenge.”

Jason gave himself a mental pat on the shoulder, because even in the early days of crazed anger, not once had he given proper clues towards the fact that his killer - the one he wanted to exact his revenge upon - was the Joker himself. “White-faced asshole” could just be a white man, and “fucking green-haired piece of shit” could still just apply to anyone with green hair.

The Robin secret was still safe, surprisingly. Code Bat was still safe.

The assassin base was in the middle of nowhere, but there was still a little town nearby, with enough reception to surf the internet on a phone he had nicked from a particularly rich-looking traveller. 

Talia did not control what he knew, the League did not control what he knew, so even while he learnt of the Joker still being alive, he also learnt about the helicopter crash, how Batman had purposefully fled empty-handed. Truthfully, he still wanted the Joker dead - but he recognised that there was a chance that no matter how many times they tried, the bastard would come back. He would rather not try than to get stuck in a never-ending loop, something that B- that Bruce must have realised.

There were other stories he found. Jason could not deny destroying several rooms in the base when he read the kid’s story. All the money in the world, and his very-much-alive parents could care less than Jason’s own barely-there mother had. 

He had not known if the boy had taken up the mantle after him, but he was unsurprised at the confirmation in front of him. Robin was as much a part of the Wayne family as champagne, fancy suits and camera smiles.

“The boy is young, and already he is excelling in combat, research, and investigation. In a few years, he will be a real threat to the League. This is your final assignment. Kill the boy, and we will let you go.”

Well, fuck. 

Jason carefully controlled his reaction, turning to meet Talia’s eye with his blue-green eyes. “You want me to kill a minor,” Jason spoke slowly, allowing his incredulity and a tinge of anger to slip into his voice.

“Either you take the job, or you will continue training, until another opportunity arises,” Talia replied evenly. Which meant anything from a week later to never. 

Jason gritted his teeth, sucked in a deep breath, and pushed it all out at once. “When are we leaving?” he questioned. Talia’s grin was sharp, like a predator before their strike.

-

Double shit. This just got way more complicated.

Jason had bargained with Talia for a week of preparation work - a week to scout out the Titans tower, as if he had not memorised the layout of the old one. As if they had not built the new tower in the exact way as the old one had been.

“We will have League members surrounding the building,” Talia announced, a day after they had landed in the city. Jason raised an eyebrow at her. 

“We are curious as to who has trained this boy,” Talia explained, “Subdue the boy’s teammates, and make him vulnerable. Don’t block radio transmissions. If the boy has maintained contact with his mentor, they would come running at their call.”

Jason cursed inwardly, keeping his face carefully blank as he nodded his assent.

He had to play this right. 

-

“I don’t trust this,” Bruce rumbled for the fourth time, in full Batman mode despite being in a casual sweater and sweatpants.

Dick hummed along, casting a concerned glance Tim’s way.

On the table was a note, delivered through an unassuming envelope. 

It stated a date and specific hour, and, Don’t call the Code. 

“The code,” Tim mumbled, “Like, Code Bat? There’s no way they’d know that, though, right?”

The note was written on red paper, flecked with green and yellow. Tim’s tone was wavering, lacking its usual confidence. He was always so sure when it came to cases, but this? 

“What’s happening at this time?” Dick wondered. Bruce pulled up his own schedule for the following week, and Tim mentally went through his own plans. Nothing of note, but-

“I’ll be in Titans tower,” Tim stated aloud, and there were gears turning in his brain. Wild gears that were nearly off their hinges, but they were the same gears that had made the Batman-is-Bruce-Wayne connection, and he had learnt to trust them.

“Is someone trying to warn us?” Tim voiced, “I get a lot of speculation from the public, about what my official superhero name is, but also where I came from, who I trained with. What if it’s not just the internet wondering?”

Bruce pursed his lips in thought. He turned to Tim, his eyes hard and determined in that certain manner that meant he was being overprotective.

“No,” Tim blurted, “I’m not staying at the Manor during that specific timeframe.” Bruce shut his mouth and blinked down at his adopted son.

“Whoever this is, they risk being found out if I don’t show up,” Tim gestured to the note, “It might just escalate from there, anyway, if we prolong whatever is supposed to happen.”

“It could be a trap,” Dick pointed out, and now he too had taken up the overprotective undertones of discomfort. Tim squared his shoulders and smiled reassuringly. “I’ll be fine,” he promised, “I’ll stay in the tower. Besides, all my teammates will be there. If anything happens, they’re right there.”

Bruce and Dick exchanged worried glances, but eventually Bruce sighed and clasped a hand on Tim’s shoulder. “Code Bat has always been for your safety,” Bruce stated firmly, “I don’t care if our enemies find out about us - if it gets out of hand, if it looks like a trap, call us.”

-

The morning of the date stated on the note, Tim found another one in his Teen Titans bedroom.

They want you dead. Play along.

What jolted Tim was the symbol at the bottom right corner of the note - it was one of the made-up symbols that Dick had taught him. The symbol on the note meant “burn after reading”.

The handwriting was not Dick’s, nor was it Bruce’s. It was cursive, almost like Alfred’s, but it was also much more scrawled and uneven, like someone still unpractised in writing. 

The gears in Tim’s brain must have really come unhinged this time, because the only name it could conjure was Jason. Jason was dead.

Tim was quietly uptight right until the hour came. He almost did not realise his teammates were being picked off, meticulously, skillfully, one by one. Almost.

Tim still had yet to press his emergency beacon. He had not activated Code Bat. He wanted to see where this went, before anything else.

Then the mysterious attacker descended on him, a blur of black and the smallest glimpse of white, and Tim was fighting for his life.

The man moved like an assassin - Tim had met some League of Assassins members, back when he had trained with Lady Shiva. He moved like them, but there was also something else to his movements.

Tim dodged a hit, and that was too short to be aiming for his throat, that would have been a non-lethal hit-

The man was not aiming to kill. He fought like Batman. He fought like one of them.

Tim opened his mouth, made to say something, although he was unsure what. He was swept off his feet before he got the chance.

“Who trained you, kid?” the voice growled, and it was a deep voice that should have unnerved him, but something struck him as familiar. The drawl, the barely-there accent.

Jason, his brain screamed.

Real answers, please, Tim pleaded.

The man pulled him by his tunic collar, and he shifted to pull him towards his face. There was a glint of metal on the man’s uniform - a recording device. 

“Who are you?” he growled again, with Tim pulled close. 

Tim got a good look at the man’s face, and while he instinctively bantered back, he was internally reeling. Looks like his gears were working, after all.

“Just a kid with a dream,” Tim smirked, a crooked smile already leaking some blood. 

Jason - because this man was Jason, somehow, how was Jason alive - interrogated Tim while punching him out. His blows hurt for sure, but Tim swore that he was aiming for the areas that would cause the least injuries. He swore that when he grunted as a rib was broken, Jason had paused minutely, cringing slightly, before he barreled on.

Something was placed on his chest. 

“Say goodnight, kid,” Jason sing-songed, and there was the sound of a gun cocking. Tim barely registered that when the gun shot, it had shot at him. There was the hard thump of something near his chest, just above his chest, but it had barely touched his tunic.

Jason tapped a finger-signal, a “stay low and don’t move”, and Tim remained where he was. He waited as footsteps receded, waited for several minutes, with a bag of fake blood leaking from his chest, bruises and other injuries blooming in pain underneath his uniform.

He felt rather than heard the presence appear beside him. The looming figure crouched down and gingerly maneuvered Tim into a firm grasp. 

His “assassin” stared down at him. He had switched out his black assassin get-up for casual clothing. He was… tall. Built like Bruce. His eyes were different, too, and he had a white lock of hair curling just above his eyebrows. Yet…

“Jason?” Tim croaked out, and Jason Todd smirked. Tim knew that smirk - Robin wore it a lot, when he watched him. “You better be damn glad no one can hear you, anymore,” Jason gruffed, and started moving with Tim in his grasp, “Let’s go somewhere else, though, for good measure.”

They ended up in Tim’s room - sound-proofed, and therefore the safest location in the tower for this conversation.

“You’re alive,” Tim blurted out, as Jason dressed his wounds. His hands stuttered before resuming their work. “I died,” Jason stated flatly, “And I dug myself out of my own grave. Talia found me, and threw me into a Lazarus Pit.”

Jason raised his eyes to meet Tim’s, and Tim could see the eerie green glow in his eyes. 

“Don’t tell Bruce about me,” Jason rushed out, and Tim immediately jumped to object, but Jason was faster, “Don’t. Listen, I-” Jason breathed deeply, “I’ve killed, alright? I’ve broken his big rule and all that jazz. I might still find myself going back to the streets of Gotham, but to the Manor? I’m not ready to face that shit.”

Jason paused for real this time, having finished taking care of Tim’s more visible injuries. He cringed. 

“You should get Alfie to check you out, just in case you have internal bleeding or whatever the fuck I gave you,” Jason waved his hand around uselessly, “Lie low for a few days, alright? I need to make myself scarce. They’ll find out I didn’t follow through with the deal, and I’ll need to have disappeared, by then.”

Tim was silent for a few long moments. “Will I see you again?” Tim finally asked, his eyes wide and hopeful, “They miss you, you know? We miss you. We all do.”

Jason swallowed, and blinked back the water gathering in his eyes. “How can you miss me?” he chose to ask, “S’not like you knew me very well, before… well, before.”

Tim grinned, bright and eager. 

“You once snuck out for patrol on your own,” Tim informed him, “And got stuck on a rooftop that you flipped onto with your grappling hook, because the other buildings around you were all too far away to grapple towards. You had to slide down the water pipes and run across an empty street to make your way back home.”

Jason sputtered, because that had happened, he did remember that, but when the heck did he hear about it?

“How the hell do you know that?” Jason asked, unable to keep his dismay from leaking into his voice. 

“I’ll tell you when I next see you,” Tim smiled cheekily. Smartass.

Jason checked the time. “Your Superboy buddy will be waking up soon,” Jason reported, “Don’t come looking for me, alright? I’ll… I’ll return to Gotham soon. I just have to make sure the League’s off my back.”

Jason got up and hesitated. “When I return to Gotham,” he warned, “I’ll come in guns blazing. There’ll be deaths. It won’t be pretty. Just- just stay out of my way.”

It would have been more convincing, if Jason had not spent the last thirty minutes treating Tim’s wounds.

“Who are you?” Tim called abruptly, Jason hovering at the door, “You come in and take us all out, one by one. They’d want a name. Who are you?”

Jason smirked sharply. 

“Red Hood,” he droned, “Call me Red Hood.”

He slinked away, and like a true Bat, was out of the tower in seconds.

#Jason Todd #Tim Drake #bruce wayne #dick grayson #talia al ghul #fanfic #BatFam #straight from the trash doc #I seriously hyperfixated on this series for three months and haven't wrote anything since

[vaguely-concerned]

Any tips for a TF POV fic? I want to write one because I too went through a time in my life when I let feelings bounce off cuz that was easier, but I feel like that's not quite on point for him 🤔

God I have SO MANY THOUGHTS about this and they’re all so wordless and frustratingly evasive to me yet (I am in the process of writing a looooooong T.F. POV fic and it gives me much more trouble than Graves POV, probably because as a person I’m quite a lot more like the T.F. Type in real life lol). But yes, here we go, let me try to express some of what I personally try to have as my hm ‘anchor points’ for his perspective. (Heavy disclaimer that these are just my personal & disorganized little musings and by no means the only or ‘correct’ way to read the character!)

- First of all I agree, the image of ‘bouncing off’ doesn’t feel quiteright -- it’s in the right neighbourhood but the wrong address sort of thing, but it’s really hard to come up with a way to explain how I feel the nuance here.

*insert three hours later spongebob meme here* Okay, so the metaphor I came up with is: T.F.’s relationship to emotions is a direct parallel to his relationship to water/the ocean: it’s scary down there, it’s dark, it’s dangerous, and if he should ever be dumb enough to try to go in too deep it’ll kill him dead because boy oh boy on so many levels this man just did not learn how to swim. As far as he’s concerned any sensible person would simply bob along on the surface in a sturdily built boat and try not to think too much about the weird shit that lives down there in the depths. (In this metaphor the layer of artifice and performance so habitual it’s basically integrated into the fabric of his soul is the boat. Y’know, the part that’s Twisted Fate and not just plain ol’ Tobias. I’ll hasten to add that I think both parts of his identity are equally ‘real’ and equally him, but the Twisted Fate part is like… protecting the Tobias part. Keeping him from drowning, as it were. I’m not sure he’d think of it like that himself for the longest time, though, I suspect he has more of a ‘that man is dead’ attitude towards the Tobias part after Graves is gone)

I think what I’m trying to get at is the idea that to him, raw emotion is as hostile and unknowable and unnavigable an ‘environment’ as the deep ocean. (And the only time we see him willingly go there, physically and otherwise, is for Graves, so you know let’s jot that down first of all lol.)

- He seems to genuinely quite like and be interested in people – how they think, what moves and motivates them, their secrets and foibles. So I tend to try to keep the uh ‘detail work’ in his POV focused in that direction. Priority going like 1) people 2) people’s valuables 3) the relative availability of people’s valuables at this moment if you have clever hands and a very charming smile haha

- One of my favourite things about T.F. is that he seems, I don’t know… quite genuinely good-natured beneath it all? If you back him into a corner some sharp and dangerous things peek out (he has survived in his line of heh ‘business’ for like thirty years, and a lot of it on his own), but for the most part and when unthreatened he has a sort of mildly amused and intrigued live-and-let-live attitude to the world even as he’s conning it that I find deeply charming. Which to me ties in with:

- T.F.’s first instinctive reaction to danger (perceived or real) the majority of the time seems to be ‘Flight’. Confrontation and violence are basically his ‘when literally everything else has failed’ options. (As seen prominently in Burning Tides, where he just keeps running and running and the only time he actually starts throwing punches is when he has to because Graves is in immediate danger and they’re backed into a corner. Which feels like it means something huh lol, I often think about what could actually make T.F. angry enough that he would openly express it and that seems to be the most likely angle for it in my eyes.)

- My take on one of the fundamental differences between Graves and T.F. is that Graves has A LOT of feelings but doesn’t quite know it (or more like can’t quite conceptualize it I should say) – he has a hard time identifying or finding vocabulary for feelings that aren’t some shade of anger. Meanwhile T.F. KNOWS he has feelings, he just doesn’t like it, ardently wishes he didn’t, and will do pretty much anything to run away and not have to engage with them haha.

Another important difference: when brought out of equilibrium Graves gets angry, and T.F. gets scared. I have the feeling that beneath it all he’s scared a lot, and it’s why his persona is so oriented towards gaining control in ways where people don’t realize it enough to even think try to take that control away from him until he’s already long gone. Misdirection as a way of life babEY

- This might be too deep in the ‘my WIP/process specific’ territory to really count as general analysis, but I think it’s there in canon too – there’s almost a feeling that he implicitly feels like he has to make up for some fundamental flaw or lack he has at the core? (Not a weird thing for him to end up feeling, considering what happened to him as a kid.) All the rest of him, all the cleverness and style and charm, is there to ‘make up’ for how at the end of the day he’s… wrong somehow. As Graves, who knows him better than anyone, focuses right in on, a coward. And that is CERTAINLY not the whole truth and even Graves in a full rage relents when he sees the effect the accusation has on him and once he gets the actual facts of what happened. But I think that sense of deep unworthiness is what’s stuck with him emotionally. His people left him because there’s something fundamentally lacking and immoral about him. He lost Graves because he’s not good enough, because he’s a coward who leaves people behind. He deserves to be alone. Mix in a ton of survivor’s guilt to taste, and I think you have the like… core emotional wound he’s constructed around.

There’s also something here about fear of profound powerlessness specifically in situations where words, generally his strongest card that’s not a literal card (har har har oh we do have fun here), simply don’t work right at the moment when he needs them to the most – he tried to beg for his people not to leave him behind, he tried to convince Graves to get the hell out with the rest of the crew… and it didn’t work. (In Burning Tides you see he’s given up even trying to explain himself, he just wants Out in whatever way leaves both him and Graves tolerably in one piece, even if he won’t be understood or heard or less alone afterwards. It takes him until like half way through the entire chase to even THINK about just telling Graves the truth. In all fairness to T.F. it probably wouldn’t have worked at that moment, but it does vaguely crack me up that he didn’t even consider it until all of Bilgewater harbor was already burning merrily behind them fhsajkfa)

- He has a little bit of a (perfectly justified considering his background honestly) chip on his shoulder, especially when it comes to powerful or arrogant people. There seems to be a special satisfaction in outsmarting and robbing specifically rich assholes (which would also be the people who have the most to steal, so y’know good times all round). From his short stories and few places in his bio you almost get the feeling that he has a funny sort of Robin Hood-esque sense of lopsided justice about it. (Robin Hood-esque only so far as to define ‘the poor’ as the eternally hard-strapped ‘T.F. & Graves Waistcoats and Cigars Fund’, of course lol)

I think T.F. both has a mind that tends more towards analyzing the big picture and also has more direct experience with like… structural/systemic powerlessness and oppression. So the cons they pull are probably partly how he channels the emotions that arise out of that (and the rest he just represses, like the relatable guy he is haha)

- Graves being back would cause some IMMENSE internal conflict in him, I feel – of course all the feelings of relief and attachment and love, but also… so much of who he is now came about specifically to find a way to deal with Graves being gone, with seemingly just shutting down the entirety of his need for real human companionship or closeness for like a decade, things that are suddenly starting to be brought online again and must be tremendously stressful to deal with when you’ve had it completely suppressed and deadened for so long. He’s put so much into trying to be fundamentally unattached to anything, anywhere, anyone (and there are some things here about perpetually being an outsider his whole life that I can’t quite put into words, but that’s a dimension too.) That sort of psychological self defense mechanism doesn’t just contentedly nod its head and go away just because something good happened one time haha. Probably a work in progress there huh (at least he’s not alone in it now <3)

PLUS some bonus Graves POV observations because man. I love writing him, he’s just a marvel of a man

- I know I call him a dumbass all the time, but in a street smart way I think he’s actually quite clever haha, he just has a bad tendency to get hung up on an idea and get tunnel sight. (I’ve based this a lot on the short stories but see also more recently his Sentinel skin voice lines for good examples: he’s incredibly straightforward in that ‘well obviously if it doesn’t affect me personally I ain’t gonna give it that much thought’ way, but you also have glimpses of surprising insight/shrewdness and… I don’t quite know how to put it, but something like an ability to get to the bottom line of something without getting caught up in the details. (I suspect T.F. does find himself lost in the details quite frequently, he’s much more attached to the decorative curlicues of the world.) Graves clearly & frequently has no idea what’s going on, but he strips things down to the essentials very quick: Lucian’s story as a direct thematic mirror to Viego’s, Is There A Sun Lady – Oh, I See, all of this is weird and creepy and needs shooting, and maybe most crucial of all: Isolde doesn’t want to be with her husband anymore so what he’s doing is just like. Extra shitty. He gets what he needs to get and then just barges ahead heedlessly with that. Icon.)

- He’s actually pretty darn eloquent in a gruff sort of way and uses some quite sophisticated vocabulary! And the way this is contrasted with the tendency to slip into blunter coarser language just as readily -- like when he takes the time to describe the monster that takes down the Prince’s ship in such poetic terms as ‘gargantuan’ and ‘the behemoth’s immense, distended jaw’ and it having ‘pallid dead eyes the size of the moon’, and meanwhile during his swim at the beginning of the story we get bastard cold and bastard dark and full of bastard jellyfish and crabs – brings me such immense and unending delight

- He’s more eloquent in his internal voice than he is when speaking (especially noticeable in Destiny and Fate; he does have a tendency to fumble his words when talking lol), and he gets quite easily lost in his own meandering reflective musings in a way I find incredibly endearing. I’d almost call it whimsical at times, honestly, hilarious as that is? Like when he’s literally so absorbed in a line of thought he forgets which way they’re rowing and T.F. has to remind him. (I think T.F. generally has more of a grip of what’s going on around them than Graves does lol)

- There’s an important distinction to be made that Graves actually does, by and large, read T.F: very closely and seemingly also pretty damn accurately. He’s good at (and clearly very interested in) reading his moods, spotting what tactics he’s using interpersonally, when he’s being genuine and when he’s being dissembling.

What Graves is actually bad at is understanding his own emotions, and to not bleed those emotions into other people’s motivations and behavior, especially when he’s upset or in heightened states of feeling, like he is all the way through Burning Tides. He can only name his own feelings in a vocabulary of anger, when it’s pretty clear from the subtext that there’s a whole bunch of other stuff going on there, and he has incredible trouble divorcing those feelings from what other people’s got going on with them right then. He feels hurt, betrayed, and undone by everything that’s happened to him, so the intention to hurt, betray and undo must live in the other person who he feels caused it. In less drastic cases you see him do this a bit when he feels like T.F. is being evasive with him – taking it as a form of rejection rather than realizing T.F. is just lost in his own thoughts, sort of thing. There’s a real improvement in this one between Burning Tides and Destiny and Fate, though, so maybe he’ll have an easier time of it with some time and practice.

Sorry it took so long to get back to you on this and that it’s a bit of a rambling mess, words have been real hard recently. Or rather I have too many words, all the time, left and right, I just can’t put them into the right orders to make any sense hahaha, I hope there’s some useful point in this somewhere for you at least!

#hopefully this makes some kind of sense my brain is in... a state but it was actually really nice to just focus on some character analysis! #tf x graves #league of legends #twisted fate

[siliquasquama]

This Cerulean Sea is an optimistic place

Which I don’t necessarily mind, but -- I worry that it’s too close to naïve.

There are a fair few stories that treat societal prejudice in an unrealistic fashion by downplaying the government element. RWBY, Zootopia, and X-Men come to mind. These are stories where such prejudice arises from the common people and becomes strong without being fostered by the government. Zootopia is the strongest example of this, because its police force has less discrimination than its general populace, which is the reverse of the usual case.

The House in the Cerulean Sea offers a more realistic treatment of prejudice by making it clear that the oppression of magical beings is strongly promoted by the government. The Department In Charge of Magical Youth seems to have a vested interest in keeping magical children marginalized, and there are all the “See something say something” posters everywhere constantly prodding mundanes into fearing magical people. 

It is hard to tell if prejudice arose from the common people or not, but it is easy to see how the government amplifies the attitude for its own purposes. The “See something say something” posters especially remind U.S. readers of the years in which their federal government promoted the fear of scary middle easterners in order to prop up public support for its military operations in the Middle East.

And yet -- what The House In The Cerulean Sea misses is the actual source of hatred and violence. It asserts that these things arise from difference, and the lack of understanding, much like X-Men’s take on the subject. But that is not so. Such hatred tends to arise from the fear of loss, and the resulting violence is typically an attempt to forestall potential loss. 

For example, Anti-semitism is Europe’s oldest prejudice because the Catholic Church has been around for a very long time. Jewish people live outside a social order that the Church says is necessary for stability. Thus their existence historically unsettled people who thought that everything depended upon obedience to the Church.

For another example, American housing markets from the 1930s onward. Banks were convinced to dis-invest from vast swathes of American cities, thereby sending their economies into a tailspin for most of the 20th century, because they were told that having black people in a neighborhood meant unacceptable financial risk. Owners of houses were convinced of the same thing on the small scale, and whenever black people moved into a neighborhood, they either sold as fast as possible for fear of losing their own investment, or they formed angry mobs and drove the newcomers out. 

For a third example, Home Owner’s Associations. Their members police the outward appearance of neighborhood houses in order to shore up their housing prices as much as possible, to the level of measuring the height of someone’s grass with a ruler. They get very mean when someone violates The Rules because they see it as a threat to their ability to borrow against the value of their houses.

For a fourth example, American midwestern farmers after the civil war. They saw black people becoming citizens, and felt that the change in the nature of citizenship was a loss of the privileges they had enjoyed, so all across the plains they drove black people out of their towns.

For a fifth example, the homophobia of the late 20th century. Heterosexual people saw queer folks as a threat to an order that they thought was founded on heterosexual marriage. Thus their rhetoric usually included prophecies about societal collapse.

For a sixth example, the Millennial Anger I see on this website and twitter, which, if I am being frank, seems mostly like the domain of white people scared that they will never receive the stable and profitable life they were promised. (Such as me.) Folks who never had the expectation of owning land have a different perspective on the current economy.

For a seventh example, the eternal cry of “they’re taking our jobs” when any new immigrants arrive, legally or illegally.

For an eighth example, the entire kerfuffle with the lobster fishing industry in maritime Canada, when white folks thought the Mi’kmaqs were fishing too much for the lobster beds to be sustainable. The idea of having white folks catch fewer lobsters didn’t cross their minds because that would have meant economic loss on their part, so it was easier to blame Mi’kmaq fishers for being there at all.

And then there’s police officers, who see their jobs as shoring up local order. Any crimes that happen quietly behind closed doors, such as child sexual abuse, barely evoke a yawn from such people. But as soon as people start marching in protest of the current economic order, they’re out there swinging cubs.

All of this has economic uncertainty at its foundation. 

In the village of Marsayas, I do not see any such hatred arising out of economic fear -- only responses of disgust which are relatively easy to overcome. Solving the troubles with Marsayas is as easy as getting the mayor on side and talking down an angry mob. 

But when people think their own power is threatened, well -- you can’t allay those fears by appealing to basic decency.

And the one government element that makes no appearance in The House In The Cerulean Sea is how political parties leverage social prejudice in order to stay in power. Speaking as a citizen of the United States, I have grown up seeing one party in particular using every bit of racism possible in order to secure its electoral victories. I have seen them attack the funding and integrity of the federal government itself, in order to promote the idea of governmental disfunction to their voting base. 

I have also been informed by a friend in India that the BJP is promoting existing prejudices against Muslims in order to shore up its own political power. And then there’s China with the Uighrs, Hungary with the Roma, Chechnya with queer folks, Poland with queer folks...prejudice may exist among the common people, but it usually gets worse when the local government thinks it will be useful for political power. (We tend to call this Fascism.)

So if the book wanted to be very realistic about the government’s actions, the final chapter would show politicians rallying a party around the fear of magical beings. The book would have this party making a great fuss about the whistleblower and demanding his head. It would have Extremely Upper Management also demanding the whistleblower’s head in order to shift blame away from themselves.

Instead, we get a government without politics and political parties, without specific groups of politicians rallying around hatred, without any of the things that continue to make governments dysfunctional. The government here is bland, boring, implacable, and generally good-hearted, with DAICOMY being more of a bad apple than an outgrowth of deeper issues. The ability to change its function is as easy as firing its leaders.

The House In the Cerulean Sea gets closer to the truth than most fictional treatments of prejudice, but not close enough. Its conflict and resolution feel too easy to be real.

#The house in the cerulean sea #children's literature #prejudice

[its-an-inxp-again]

Heart fixes in enneatypes 5

Introduction

Hey guys! This is a general masterpost for cores 5 about their heart fixes! Sadly, online descriptions regarding your fixes are always very very poor, so here I'm trying to imagine how core's and 2nd fix' fears and strategies interact with each other. Basically, here are 3 subtypes of 5, classified based on the way they deal with the Feeling/Self-Image Triad.

I think that classifying types based on their 2nd fix makes sense, more so than classifying them by their 3rd fix, since it has mostly such a weak component in your general personality/in your daily priorities. Plus, 5s, being withdrawn types, are most likely to be gut lasts: so their 2nd fix is most likely to be from the Heart Center. Hence this post.

To be honest with you all, this can turn out to be more theoretical than practical (and I mean, as enneatype descriptions tend to be) since I don't actually have many in real life examples and I'm not entirely sure about my own heart fix, so yeah, take all of this with a grain of salt and feel free to criticize my descriptions (honestly it'd be helpful). I just wanted to try to give a more in depth analysis since fixes are a really interesting concept but there's so little information online...

Disclaimer: in order to make this work better one should compare themselves with other ennea5 in their life, possibly with a different heart fix than you. Comparing oneself to 5s online or in fiction can be more,,, eh (you don't see them acting in ther day-to-day life, and fictional characters are meant to be seen by the public in a certain way). I don’t know about comparing yourself to other types who seem to have a different fix than you... (like, say, comparing yourself to who is probably a 6 with a 4fix to understand how a 4fix would look like) it may work or it may not, I guess

5-2:

Uncertainty about the future and the world's dangers is faced by withdrawing. Fear of being worthless is faced by trying to earn validation and attention.

Double Rejection Triad

Obviously, the problems that come from the rejection triad are very present here - they have different strategies to deal with this feeling of rejection, and that is by ignoring their own needs, be that by retreating entirely or by attending to others' needs (they shift according to the circumstances).

Exposing their needs to someone not only feels embarassing and threatening, but it may also cause guilt

Hypersensitivity

According to Naranjo, 5s are hypersensitive, specifically when it comes to other people's demands. "In other words, a great sensitivity to interference goes hand-in hand with an over-docility, in virtue of which the individual interferes all too easily with her own spontaneity, with her preferences, and with acting in a way coherent with her needs in the presence of others. Also, in light of this over-docility (understandable as a by-product of a strong repressed love need) we can understand the particular emphasis in aloneness in ennea-type V. To the extent that the relationship entails alienation from one’s own preferences and authentic expression there arises an implicit stress and the need to recover from it: a need to find oneself again in aloneness.". It seems obvious to me that all of this would be heavily present in the 5-2 individual. He most likely feels highly obliged to attend to other people's or authorities' demands. Let's say, easily guilt-tripped (they won't necessarily act immediately on that guilt though).

This means they have an extreme need to withdraw after a social meeting: they will try to meet other people's needs but they can soon get too tired and retreat again.

It's more difficult for them not to care (as other 5s may do) not only or really about other people's opinions, but about other people's needs and emotions. and maybe they also don't relate that much to 5 descriptions where their need to have a stoic and hyper-rational attitude is emphasized, but of course this is not necessarily the case. (Naranjo does say in his description that 5s oscillate between insensitivity and hypersensitivity, and it seems to me that a 5-2 would easily tend more towards the hypersensitive side. Still, insensitivity is the way 5s deal with hypersensitivity itself, so they may switch to insensitive mode sometimes, otherwise they would burn out or something)

Depeding on their wing/iv, they may help others even when they don't really feel like it - usually, if they feel acting on their 2 strategies would require too much energy/that it's not worth it they'll just let it go. Core needs and strategies are a priority of course. (something similiar may happen to 3-fixers, although their goals are different).

Knowledge in the service of others

Uses their knowledge to help people.

Probably more comfortable helping in a practical/informative way rather than emotionally

They may be very self-conscious about their comforting abilities though (feeling they're never doing enough to show that they care): they may have consciouly learned how to improve in this area and how to improve their Emotional Intelligence in general

Still, surely has excellent cognitive empathy

Simply put, their desire to be competent can traslate into a desire to be competent from an emotional/helper point of view.

"Fear of being useless", as you see in some 5 descriptions - oh boy.

Vibes, wings and mistypings

At a party they would keep in the background but probably try to show somehow to the host that they're grateful for being invited, even in non-verbal ways (depends on their energy levels)

The one emotion they're more comfortable expressing (not necessarily feeling: in fact, they may not even feel it) is contentment ("I don't need anything, don't worry") or care ("what can I do to help you?")

5w4 emphasizes empathy but 5w6 emphasizes sociability

They probably mistyped as a 9 at some point, especially if they're female/afab.

Def can look like soc 5

To sum up

How 2 strategies are used to cope with 5-ish fears:

Hiding own needs = also means avoiding exposing oneself and feeeling vulnerable

Knowing what to do for others = feeling competent, capable but especially in control (again, rejection triad types need to feel in control). Taking care of others creates the illusion of taking care of one's own most vulnerable side, in a way controlling it.

2 strategies are used to face and placate one's own super-ego. According to Naranjo, 5s have a very strong super-ego (again, hypersensitivity + probably because to the super-ego the 5 individual still has "too many needs") so doing good may be a way to satisfy it.

2 strategies are used as a way to feel close to others/satisfy a deep and repressed love need without needing to show their vulnerable side directly, but rather from a position of power

How 5 strategies are used to cope with 2-ish fears:

Helping in a practical and informed way

Repressing own needs and emotions

5 pushes to control oneself, especially one's own needs

5 hypersensitivity probably helps at better recognizing other people's needs

Qualities that 2 brings to 5 (that is, in which ways 2 can help overcoming 5-like challenges):

Availability; does not ignore external expectations and demands as much

Is able to show their warmer and tender side (many 5s feel exposed by doing this), even though this still isn't the same as being vulnerable

Have less of a fear of intimacy, even though it depends on one's health levels (an unhealthy 2 is not really that open to intimacy as it may seem)

Higher Emotional Intelligence

Greater Social and Empathy Skills

More inclined to be more out there than other 5s, and especially is more open when it comes to relationships; less disillusioned, less skeptical, less cynic. more likely to believe that human relationships are indeed worth it. or at least, that's what they may tell themselves.

Challenges that 2 brings to 5:

Again, hiding own needs, vulnerability and failures

Fears disappointing people

May need to feel in control all the time, to the point of exhaustion: 5 already wants to be in control of their own mental states and emotions all the time, 2 adds up other people's ones. Need to unwind, especially mentally

They often feel deeply rejected, may try to deny it

May not be easy to express anger (they may have an 8fix, but its strategies are left last, so 5-2 are more likely to prevail), and for this very reason when they blow up, they blow up hard. Not only do 2-like frustrations make them explode, but 5 also represses their emotions a lot so they may be overwhelming when they finally get to the surface.

#enneagram #enneagram 2 #enneagram 5 #tritypes #5 tritypes #enneagram tritypes #tritypes descriptions #heart fix #2fix #enneagram heart fix #enneatype 5 #typology #typology tumblr #personality types

[soulmate-game]

Crack One shot

Soulmates were real, but there was no universal type of bond. The only agreed upon fact was that everyone only had one soulmate, and that was whatever that person needed most in life. If what they needed most was a romantic partner, their soulmate would be romantic. If they needed family or a lifelong friend more, then that would be the bond they would have. It could show up in any way, some more common than others but many unique to that pair or trio of soul bonded individuals.

Marinette had arrived in Gotham last week. She had won the Wayne Enterprises International Scholastic Competition for her and her class, the reward for which included a month long trip to Gotham. Three of those weeks would be spent in Gotham Academy during the week, with the weekends spent in personalized internships with Wayne Enterprises employees.

Except Marinette, who as the winner of the competition, got her internship with Bruce Wayne and Tim Drake themselves.

And after finding out that Robin was her romantic soulmate on her first night in Gotham? She was really hoping this internship would go smoothly without any life altering discoveries.

Someone needed to flick Tikki for not giving her enough good luck though, because that did not happen.

Marinette thought stumbling through her and Robin’s game-styled Bond would be more than enough confusion and complication for at least the rest of the year for her. But no. No, of course not. Because when she met Bruce Wayne at his manor for their first official day of internship on Saturday, nine days after arriving in Gotham City, she shook the billionaire’s hand for the first time.

And when their hands connected, the only thing in either of their favor is the fact that Alix had turned down the invitation to come with Marinette and therefore the only other people in the mansion were Bruce’s family (including Alfred, of course). Because as soon as their hands touched, bright silver light shone for a moment before what was basically a holographic screen popped up. On it in bold black font were the words:

— SOULBOND INITIATED STATUS: Familial FAMILIARITY LEVEL: Introductory BONDED INDIVIDUALS: Bruce Wayne (AKA:REDACTED) and Marinette Dupain-Cheng (AKA: REDACTED) INITIATE SOULBOND GUIDE? (Y / N) —

“B-But I already met my soulmate on Thursday!” Marinette objected, eyes wide as she pulled her hand away like it burned. “This can’t— this is a prank, right? New WayneTech or something?”

Unfortunately, Bruce stares at his own hand in similar shock.

“Miss Dupain-Cheng, I also already met my soulmate,” he informed gravely, poking his palm with the index finger of his opposite hand. “But look. I did not get a physical mark from my romantic soulmate, but…”

Marinette knew. She didn’t want to acknowledge it, but she knew. Everybody with a physical soulmark said that you knew when it was real, when it wasn’t paint or a tattoo or anything else, because it felt real. In some intrinsic, magical, mysterious way, everyone intuitively knew if a physical mark was or wasn’t genuine.

And the little, silver bat signal on the center of Marinette’s palm was definitely genuine. Her eyes went wide at the sight of it, and the information on the holographic soulbond-board changed.

BONDED INDIVIDUALS: Bruce Wayne (AKA: Batman)

Bruce showed Marinette the small silver ladybug symbol on the exact same spot on his own palm.

And Marinette Dupain-Cheng (AKA: Ladybug)

“What the fuck?” That was Dick, who was the first to get over his shocked silence. But not very well. “What. The. Fuck? If Bruce had a familial soulmate, I would have thought it would be me. You know, first adopted son and everything,” he waved at himself, but his tone wasn’t jealous. It was just confused. “Or any of this other adopted children,” Richard gestured to the line of them next to him. “Why get a familial soulmate now? And why have two soulmates?”

The last line on the hologram began to flash insistently.

ACTIVATE SOULBOND GUIDE? (Y / N)

“I, uh, think we should click yes, Monsieur Wayne,” Marinette suggested, lifting her hand to do just that before pausing and glancing at her new (what? Father figure? Uncle figure? Oh my god if Bruce was Batman, did that mean Damian was Robin? The builds and estimated measurements matched up. Did that mean Bruce—) “Mon dieu, you’re supposed to be my father in law figure,” Marinette realized aloud, her face suddenly paper white at the realization.

“... I agree, let’s see what this ‘Soulbond guide’ is, exactly,” her familial soulmate decided to say, ignoring her realization entirely. He pressed the ‘Y’ with one finger before Marinette or his other children could protest. The silver screen changed, the text melting away in favor of showcasing a horizontal line. Until that line spoke, and moved to show the wavelengths of its voice as it did so. Like a digital mouth. Occasionally text would pop up to complement or supplement the spoken words.

“Hello. I am your SOULBOND guide, A.I.D.E, or Autonomous Introspective Destiny Escort. I am a pocket personality created by the Universe and Fate Itself as your guide and informant regarding your soul bond, and nothing but your soul bond. My knowledge may extend to some aspects of your personality, memories, background, and motives behind actions, but otherwise does not delve far beyond the specificities of your Bond. Even my knowledge of your timeline and social structure in your reality are limited. That being said, do you have any questions regarding your Bond?”

“Oh my god, it even reflects Bruce’s emotion issues,” Jason breathed, thoroughly intrigued and entertained.

“But what does that say about Marinette?” Tim shot back. “She isn’t emotionally stunted like both of her soulmates.”

Yeah, everyone agreed at that point that trying to hide their identities from the French girl was a moot point.

“No,” Marinette agreed slowly, eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t even want to ask what you mean by emotionally stunted, because if Robin is any indication…” she winced, and several people in the room chuckled. Jason outright cackled. “But after dealing with HawkMoth for so long and not being able to let out any of my negative emotions, I developed a kind of mental system I guess. I just kinda… click and delete my anger or betrayal as often as it takes, if that makes sense.”

“That is not healthy, and we will talk about that later,” Damian said instantly, not looking pleased. Marinette just shrugged and grinned at him sheepishly.

As usual, Bruce was the first to actually begin to interrog— ahem— ask questions.

“Why do we have two soul bonds?” He asked, getting right to the point.

“In your case, it is due to your alter ego BATMAN. BATMAN has been a separate part of yourself, or at the very least you have seen him as separate from yourself as Bruce Wayne, for more than eighteen years. This grants BATMAN his own soulmate, as if he were his own entity. People such as Superman do not have this attribute, as they are fully cognizant of the unity of their two identities. BATMAN’s soulmate is Marinette, a familial soulmate. In her case, Marinette is in possession of the Ladybug Miraculous, which holds the power of Creation. This, along with the fact that Marinette is what is classified as a TRUE LADYBUG and/or a CREATION SOUL, gives rise to the possibility of a second soulmate being created for her as the need arises. This was compounded by the fact that she, like you, also sees LADYBUG as being a separate person from her own identity as Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Since she has held both a true CREATION SOUL and maintained this mindframe of being two separate people for several years, LADYBUG was granted a soulmate of her own, which is you. Does that suitably answer your question?”

“The first of many,” Bruce admitted grimly, turning to Marinette. “Do you want to ask anything else, or get on with the internship?”

“Just one question today,” she answered immediately, her mind buzzing. “What does the soul bond allow us to do, and how do we activate it?”

“You can activate the Soul Screen and myself by tapping your soulmark with that intention in mind. Your abilities are as follows; Mental Communication link— a two-way telepathy activated on command only when the Bond Mark is activated. Surveillance— the ability to see through your Soulmate’s eyes through the Soul Screen in emergency situations only. Bond Text— The ability to send written messages to your Soulmate by holding onto your soul mark, imagining the contents of the text, and sending it. Nobody except your soulmate will be able to see said message, and it will appear on the palm that hosts that individual’s Soul Mark. SOS— If one member of the soul bond is in life threatening danger, the other member’s bond mark will glow and a meter showcasing the endangered member’s life force will appear next to the mark. Upon the life force extinguishing, this Bond will permanently dissolve. Resurrection, time travel, and magical Cures will not revive this Bond.”

“In other words, the Universe is calling both of you out for being reckless and is only giving you once Chance here,” Barbara surmised ruthlessly. “Good luck. Alfred, what’s for lunch?”

As everyone filed out of the room with the dissolution of the Soulbond’s novelty, Damian, Bruce, and Marinette were left standing in awkward silence. Silently, Marinette shut off the Soul Screen and A.I.D.E with it.

“... we won’t be able to keep secrets anymore,” Marinette said, seemingly just thinking out loud. “Once we activate the Soul Screen, AIDE will totally rat out any we try to keep.”

“She was my soulmate first, Father, so I’m stealing her now,” Damian said by way of warning Bruce before he picked Marinette up and carried her away. The billionaire playboy philanthropist just stared after them, wondering what the hell he did to taunt the Universe into making him the butt of all of its jokes.

He tapped his ear twice, a different bond awakening. “Selina? Please tell me you’re in town. I think I’ll crack out some of the good alcohol tonight.”

“Celebrating something?” The familiar voice purred in his ear.

“Coping.”

—*—*—*—*—* This is not at all canon to the original story, but takes place in the same universe. Just an idea I had for a second that I wanted to write a stupid one shot for. This is crack and I’m okay with that.

#maribat #daminette #mlb x dc #platonic brucinette

[meditativeyoga]

Pain is Your Friend: A “Painfully Honest” Messenger About Your Yoga Practice

Anyone that is struggling with chronic discomfort is already stating, "What is this moron speaking about?" Having suffered my very own reasonable share of extreme discomfort, I must state I would gladly have actually murdered that "pal" and hidden it at the end of the garden. In this article, we will certainly concentrate on sharp pain, the type of pain that might occur during your technique, or within the subsequent day approximately. We will check out the typical scenarios that might trigger discomfort, and the course of activity you need to follow.

When you experience pain, it is, in effect, your body attempting to speak with you. Possibly it's claiming that it's not delighted with the aberrant placement it locates itself in, the damages that has actually been done to it, the tension patterns that are developing, or on a positive note, that structural adjustment is happening. Usually, it is claiming, "Back the heck off."

When doing asana (the physical technique), it's easy sufficient ahead throughout pain, either during the technique, directly after, or a number of days later on. For a pursuit concentrated on balancing and opening up the body in a gentle and controlled method, it occasionally appears we are instead putting our bodies with the wringer.

I invest 6 months yearly in Goa assisting yogis with their injuries, as well as it's reasonable to state I discover it tough to discover enough time to see everybody. Many individuals come to yoga with existing injuries, intending to utilize asana as a healing technique. Regrettably, a reasonable number of us manage to injure our bodies with our technique. Ideally, as yogis, we are extra sensitive to what's taking place in our bodies, more quickly seeing inequalities, tension patterns, and pain, yet this is only possible if we take regard. It is extremely easy to obtain captured up in desiring to take our technique to the next degree, neglecting what our bodies are attempting to inform us.

Pain During Yoga Practice

Every time we step onto the floor covering, we are asking our bodies to relocate into positions that may offer the possibility for soft tissue damage. At certain threat of injury seem to be shoulders, reduced back, wrists, hips, knees, ankles, and neck (not much left). We might put stress on the joints as well as their sustaining frameworks (tendons and also cartilage material) or particular muscles or groups of muscular tissues (e.g., hamstrings). So exactly how do we interpret what our bodies are saying?

Padmasana (Lotus Posture) is the perfect yoga exercise pose, and also thus, our enthusiasm to achieve a form of the stance appears to load our ears with cotton wool. If your hip joints do not conveniently externally turn, you are more than most likely to experience discomfort in the knee (either medially or laterally) and/or the ankle (typically simply below the front edge of the side (outdoors) ankle bone). This discomfort is because of the tendons being stressed also much, as well as your body is stating, "Maintain going, and also damage will certainly happen."

Ligaments are only gently flexible, permitting for maybe only a 6 percent stretch before tissue damages happens, and they do not repair easily due to a very little blood supply. Unless your tendons are chronically reduced due to some previous trauma, there is absolutely nothing to be gained by overstretching them. Their task is to provide architectural stability to joints by limiting activity in undesirable instructions. By loosening them, you are not becoming extra versatile. Instead, you are threatening their function.

So if you discover yourself in this scenario, don't hang it out in the posture assuming that by suffering the discomfort, you will at some point open that location. You might harm on your own before you obtain there. Rather, leave it and exercise other poses that concentrate on the location where you wish to enhance flexibility. Revisit the position several weeks later on to see if it is a lot more comfortable. This is not the exact same situation as actively placing light tension on the joints to elicit a favorable reaction, such as with Yin Yoga.

In the situation of Padmasana, it is essential to recognize that a viewed absence of "openness" in your hips may not be associated to soft tissue inflexibility. It's totally feasible that inhibited exterior turning results from the construction of your hip joints. If that holds true, no amount of extending will enable you to exercise full Padmasana-- and also that's alright.

Another location of usual injury as well as discomfort is where the muscles connect to the bones using tendons (their origins and also insertions). In this circumstances, the pain is sharp. Its specific area is quickly determined.

Repeated extending near your limit of flexibility might emphasize these areas, causing damages to the tendon fibers, causing inflammation. Due to all the forward folding in yoga, a constant website for this kind of discomfort is where the hamstrings connect to the ischial tuberosity (sit bone).

If you ignore this pain, which might start out as more of a worrying inflammation, the injury is likely to worsen, become persistent, and also start to hurt not just when you're ahead bending, but additionally when you're resting as well as strolling. In these instances, you must change in order to enable the swollen location to recover. If you are feeling pain in a position, you need to withdraw until it does not harmed. This may look like usual feeling, but I bet that at lot of times throughout a yoga course, there are people just attempting to disregard some pain or various other, wishing that the later repercussions will not be too bad.

So what around when we feel an abrupt acute pain while practicing, and also it hurts to relocate the angering limb (to varying levels)? Do we plow on wishing that it will relieve? I would claim no, the longer you go on, the most likely you are to make things even worse. It is very easy for the visibility of endorphins and also the distraction of the technique to mask truth level of the damage.

The finest program of action is to quit as well as initiate the RICE protocol (rest, ice, compression, elevation) as soon as possible. If you didn't require it, no damage would be done, yet if you did, you would profit from punctual activity. The topping, in particular, will certainly decrease swelling in the area and aid decrease the quantity of damages, and the earlier it is used, the better.

When icing, never ever put the ice straight on the skin unless you are mosting likely to keep it relocating (such as with an ice massage therapy), as well as restrict the moment of application to 20 minutes for more fleshy locations (e.g., thighs) and also 10 mins for bony areas like the feet and also hands. You might ice often. Simply enable a space of a minimum of half an hour in between applications. A good indication that it is risk-free to reapply ice is that the skin and tissue have actually gone back to normal temperature. Just bear in mind icing for too lengthy can create tissue damage, especially on the fingers as well as toes-- think about frostbite.

Pain After Yoga Practice

Okay, you have a good method, and after that the following day, or the day after, you get that sensation like you've aged ten years over night. Muscle mass soreness, inflammation, and rigidity permeate your body, as well as you seem like anything however a bendy yogi. The experience might be very local, restricted to one or 2 muscle mass, or it may cover a larger area. When the angering areas are in the resting setting, you do not feel discomfort. It is just when the muscles are gotten or stretched that you experience the complete magnificence of what is happening.

This body response is called delayed onset muscle soreness, or DOMS for short. If you have actually really offered on your own a looking at, it may last 5 to seven days, however generally 2 to four sees the rear of it. The factor might be that you are brand-new to yoga exercise, yet this experience is by no methods limited to the beginner. If you have had a long term break, amped up your practice, or started doing some poses that use extra stamina than common, you may well sustain a little suffering.

So what's the cause, and also what can you do regarding it if it happens? A few of you could currently enter with "an accumulation of lactic acid," and I will certainly claim, "err, no." It is now currently accepted that lactic acid build-up might assist produce the tiredness pain connected with intense task, yet is not responsible for postponed beginning muscle soreness, as the degree of lactic acid in the muscle mass has actually been revealed to return to typical within one hr of exercise termination.

As a dual "no," lactic acid is linked with anaerobic workout. Because of the intensity of the exercise and the high power demand of the muscular tissues, the body is compelled to produce energy without making use of oxygen. Consequently, lactic acid ends up being manufactured therefore of the metabolic waste produced by this methods of power manufacturing. Sprinting might create this, but yoga exercise not a lot. (Well alright, you might feel this kind of melt in Titibasana (Firefly Pose) B, C, and also D if you have limited hamstrings as well as are striving with your quadriceps to straighten your legs. That's a "yes" for me).

What Causes Postponed Start Muscle Mass Soreness?

There is still much difference regarding the specific reason for delayed start muscle soreness, but it seems to steam down to a mix of elements (e.g., swelling, boosted level of sensitivity of nerve receptors) arising from microdamage experienced by muscular tissue fibers and the connected connective cells. This damages is more probable to occur throughout eccentric contraction (antagonizing a load while lengthening).

For example, the triceps muscles are functioning eccentrically when we lower down right into Chaturanga Dandasana (Four-Limbed Team Posture).

This pain is not necessarily all negative. Postponed beginning muscle soreness is a sign that your body is adjusting to the brand-new anxieties to which it is being subjected. It must not be puzzled, however, with repetitive pressure injury, which is a much sharper pain and stands for damages being done instead of adaptation.

Delayed start muscle mass discomfort may, in certain scenarios, also be used as a barometer of practice intensity. I keep in mind several moons earlier, in my fitness center days, that if I really did not obtain delayed beginning muscle mass soreness the day after training, I would think about that I hadn't educated hard enough because session, which motivated me to work more difficult next time. Thankfully I utilized a split regimen (different body parts on various days), which allowed me to avoid revamping the area impacted by postponed start muscle mass discomfort for numerous days.

I am not suggesting right here that you ought to lay out in your yoga technique to experience delayed start muscle mass discomfort, however sometimes it's not a bad thing. As postponed beginning muscle soreness is really felt just in the muscle mass that have been striven (either by tightening or stretching), it can actually tell you rather a lot. Say, for instance, you have made a decision that your method has been overlooking your quadriceps, so you include in some postures that you believe may make a hit. If you experience postponed beginning muscular tissue pain in that location, you can be guaranteed you have obtained it right.

On the various other hand, if your educator may have recommended you to attempt and engage a particular muscle mass when doing a particular position. Delayed beginning muscle discomfort may show that you were doing what you assumed you were. Of course, if you utilize this muscular tissue a lot already, you might not experience delayed start muscular tissue pain. On the other hand, you may occasionally get a sign that you are utilizing specific muscle mass also much.

What To Do Regarding Delayed Start Muscular tissue Soreness

So a little delayed onset muscle discomfort can be wonderful. Yet excessive, as well as we need a treatment. It may hurt to relocate your sore muscular tissues, however in fact, that's specifically things to do. Light workout, such as gentle biking, will assist ease those uneasy feelings. Light extending is additionally great, so a gentle yoga method is additionally fine. Remember: much like the health club training, if you intend to still practice strong, that's also great, yet you need to change the asanas you do so that you are not functioning the afflicted area strongly.

If you like the "unpleasant medication" training course of action, an ice bathroom will aid for certain. Top athletes often have an ice bath directly after a tough session to try to decrease the effects of postponed start muscular tissue pain and also promote a quicker recuperation. As high as I wish to claim or else, massage therapy, although extremely useful for treating many injuries, may give short-term remedy for delayed onset muscle mass pain yet will certainly not quicken the duration of the symptoms.

What About Rigidity After Yoga Exercise Practice?

I understand that I have actually most likely babbled on for far as well long already, yet right here's simply one more point. Sometimes you obtain a feeling of rigidity and soreness the following day that seems a little bit like delayed onset muscle mass pain. Possibly this limits your series of motion a little bit as well as may create aches when resting. Common websites for this kind of feeling would be the neck and also reduced back. What you have actually most likely done here is to worry the tendons because location. What your body is doing right here is tightening up the muscular tissues bordering the area that you have overstressed in an attempt to splint as well as rather paralyze the area.

Unlike postponed beginning muscular tissue soreness, where you may be ready to think, no worry, modification is underway, in these circumstances you need to check and look at what you are performing in your practice and also make changes. It could be that you are being too aggressive in your forward bends, or maybe there's as well much stress on your neck in Sarvangasana (Shoulderstand Pose) or Sirsasana (Headstand Pose). Or perhaps you're making use of a little head flick in the infamous Urdhva Dhanurasana (Wheel Posture). Whatever the cause, require time to determine what you require to do to remove the pressure you are putting on these areas.

It is usually claimed that as yogis, we can heal a lot of our injuries on the floor covering. I would claim that this is fantastic guidance, yet just if taken the right method. What it does not suggest is to keep with what you have been doing, waiting on the pain to go when in some way yoga exercise amazingly kinds it out. In my mind, what we are discussing is making use of every sensitivity you have established in your technique to figure out where the issues are emerging from and after that making adjustments as needed. Concentrate on opening those areas that might be triggering stress and anxiety to be experienced in various other areas. Most of all, pay attention to your body and also allow it direct you.

#asana #healing #meditation #Yin yoga #Yoga #yoga practice

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

what more can you do?

WOO! this week’s episode was sad and weird and badly paced and startlingly, unevenly mature in true titans fashion. i loved it (with reservations)! let’s talk about it in excruciating detail:

SPOILERS ahead.

1. i can’t say that i’m awfully thrilled about the show following up on a character’s literal suicide attempt by... not addressing said suicide attempt at all. maybe it’s the awkward way an entire episode’s worth of flashback was shoehorned in between the end of 2.07--where dick literally talked jason off the ledge while in the throes of a psychotic break of his own--and the beginning of this one, but it’s honestly not just bad storytelling, but irresponsible storytelling. 

1.5. in a general sense, tho, the tableau at the beginning of the episode is so egregiously unfair--so shockingly, plainly one-sided, with a slump shouldered dick facing the world, only kory on his side, that it’s quite apparent that it’s the lowest these heroes can go. and i do think their individual reactions to dick’s confession provide an interesting insight into their characters. hank and dawn have been operating alone for so long, each a reminder of their traumas and losses and very human frailty to the other, without even the resources that dick and the batman enjoy. it’s been them v the world for so goddamn long; is it any wonder that they were looking for the first excuse to bail out of there, to not Deal with the idea that what they were doing to deal with their traumas and guilt was clearly not working, and dick was--and has been always--so willing to be the scapegoat? hank punching dick was utterly unwarranted--but i can accept that as part of the unaddressed emotional outbursts arising out of years of accumulated head injuries from both college football and vigilantism. (this isn’t to excuse what he did but to contextualise it within hank’s history and personality.) their instinct when facing ugly truths is to retreat to what they think is familiar and what they need--except, as hank realises later in the episode, that’s exactly what’s fucking them up further.

rose is understandably upset at being lied to about her brother’s death and the titans being complicit in the same--but i’m curious that her reaction was to merely leave and not try and fight them. maybe after being defeated by dick while sparring and nearly being killed by rachel she was sensible enough to realise that she couldn’t take them on all at once? i don’t know--she’s curiously been a bit of a cipher this season. jason leaving with her made sense tho--unburdened of the weight of being the team’s scapegoat, understandably miffed at dick for keeping a secret that nearly cost him his life and left him with a great deal of trauma, just Angry at the world in general, he gravitates towards rose, the only other outsider/rebel who tried to reach out to him when everybody else shunned him or looked at him like an impostor. i think the decision was more impulsive than anything--they still look confused and uncertain in the taxi as they leave the tower behind. but--i don’t know. theirs is the storyline that i’m the most perplexed about. we just don’t have a lot of information about either of them, rose especially. 

(a part of me still thinks she’s slade’s mole in the tower. but why would she leave if she is? to keep up appearances bc to react in any other way to the news of her brother’s death would be suspicious? maybe she left because her job is done and the titans were splitting up? maybe she was part of the long game to seduce jason over to slade’s side--seeking revenge for dick swaying jericho over to the titans’? am i going to stop asking myself questions in this post? am i ever going to write a review that’s not just stream-of-consciousness nonsense? only time will tell.)

DONNA. oh, donna. her decision to leave seems to me a logical continuation of her s2 arc that i’d talked about in a previous review--paranoid, insecure, retraumatised, and taking out her frustrations on jason and dick. it’s also very interesting to me that she complained to rachel about dick treating them like “soldiers” and only told them things that he deemed that they “need[ed] to know.”  it was because of jillian and whatever mysterious business that themyscira was conducting in sf that she and garth and slade ever landed up in that airport at all; even worse, jillian deemed it was something that donna didn’t need to know until it was too late. donna lost so much in that fiasco--the man she loved, her friends, several members of her amazon family, and her sense of purpose, her belief in her strength and her destiny and her faith that other people trusted her as a warrior and as a leader. she’s projecting all that pain onto dick--who again, doesn’t deserve all this shit but takes it anyway because of his own issues.

1.8. and, like. as much as jericho’s death became the Traumatic Event that overshadowed almost everything else in dick’s life for the last five years and helps explain a lot of his hang-ups right from s1, it just doesn’t have the same significance for the others. don’t get me wrong--i’m sure hank, donna and dawn are devastated and guilty about the part that they had to play in manipulating jericho and his eventual death. but their issues with each other, with the titans tower and with their past run deeper and in different directions, and i think all of that came into play when they each decided to go their separate ways.

1.95. idek what the fuck is going on with rachel. i felt every ounce of dick’s heartbreak and devastation when she got up to leave with donna. for all that she saved dick in the first episode of this season, she still hasn’t reached the point where she’s willing to unburden her emotions and issues on him. it must be frustrating and sad for her to realise just how much dick didn’t trust her either. but there’s something else going on as well: maybe she’s realised she has no real control over her re-emerging powers, and, carrying on with the fatalistic attitude she had at the end of 2.05, she wants to spare the titans the chaos and darkness that she carries around with her. (she’s used to running away at this point, after all.) she goes with donna bc donna knows her the least: it would therefore be easy to fool her and escape. 

2. more faddei! and kory backstory! \o/ 

it’s curious that they never once bring up trigon, because s1 gave the impression that she’d come to earth with a specific mission to seek his portal out and destroy it before he could, y’know, Fuck The Universe Up. faddei makes it sound like kory just went on this fun little sabbatical before taking up royal duties, which kiiinda undercuts a lot of what was cool about her s1 arc. i realise you aren’t entirely happy with your freshman season, titans, and s2 looks like it might be a soft reboot, but you don’t have to mutilate it like this!

but seriously. the stakes just got upped exponentially for kory, and it would be really interesting to see where she goes from here. apart from a promise to rachel, she doesn’t really owe the rest of the titans anything--not that i think she views relationships in such transactional terms, of course. on the other hand, abandoning her responsibilities on tamaran has led to its takeover by an unfit leader and the deaths of several of her family and friends. the choice shouldn’t be a choice at all. she should go back home. and yet--she waited too long, and the choice has been taken away from her. faddei is dead, both of their ships are destroyed, and she is stuck on earth, grieving and frustrated and furious. kory is usually very clear headed about exactly where she stands emotionally, but after such a big event, she must be feeling so much pain, guilt, sorrow, anger, even resentment. it’s so easy to look at kory’s level-headedness and open, empathetic personality and use her to prop up other characters, but i hope that this isn’t always the case, and that she’ll be allowed to really work through these emotions while somebody else looks out for her. 

2.35. (the little snippets of faddei and kory just enjoying the shit out of the Little Things that humanity has to offer is just... it filled me with so much warmth. i wouldn’t mind an entire episode of them just chilling and exploring and annoying each other with badly-applied out-of-context pop culture references)

2.5. blackfire! i don’t know much about comics!blackfire beyond “she was starfire’s sister, Evil, and possibly sold her sister into slavery??? yikes” so i’m just going purely off what the show has revealed about her so far. it was honestly disconcerting to see so many references to her possible disability (?) and to see both that and the efforts to accommodate her spoken about in... i want to say mocking way? i don’t know. i just saw a murder mystery/thriller movie today where the serial killer was revealed to have been both disabled from birth and mentally ill, and maybe i’m just feeling extra sensitive to the truly disturbing and pervasive trope of having disabled characters be Evil--and tying their Evil to their disability. 

2.8. anyhow, blackfire appears to have accumulated a fair bit of power in the time that kory’s been gone: not only can she remotely possess other tamaraneans but she can blow up their ships too. (and didn’t faddei say that she had goons on the ground, looking for starfire?)

2.9. it’s a Lot to deal with this late in the season. maybe kory will leave for tamaran to deal with blackfire once and for all at the end of the season. and if titans ends up cancelled, wouldn’t that be a bittersweet ending.

(wherein ‘bittersweet’ translates to ‘devastating’ ofc)

3. oh where do i even start with dick

his worst fears came true. after his confession, not only did his old friends up and leave, but so did rachel and jason, which he found more heartbreaking than anything else. utterly consumed by guilt and convinced more than ever before of his culpability, he actively seeks out ways to self-flagellate, first by going to adeline to apologise, then by banishing himself, then by making sure he is punished (tho i have my doubts on that last one; will elaborate a little later). after watching him have an extended psychotic break and dash into not one but two suicide missions, watching dick grayson do this to himself feels like watching an extended feature on human suffering. it’s not fun, or pretty, and i can feel it reaching its nadir so that dick can bounce back up again, but i hope it happens soon.

(dick’s natural tendency to internalise guilt and responsibility into a hard little diamond core at his centre and his long training with batman with all the emphasis on secrets and subterfuge with a healthy underpinning of paranoia ironically means that he does so much goddamn emotional labour for this team. he’s the glue that keeps them together, that gives them purpose. he’s trying so hard to do good by everybody that he isn’t really able to achieve it with any of them, which leads to another self-flagellating spiral and him determining to try harder and the cycle just keeps going on. only kory seems to have ever broken this cycle, because she’s never demanded anything of him, nor he of her. it’s really sad to think how bereft dick feels right now, and more than that, how it’s stopping him from being there for the people who really do need him and trust him, like gar and rachel.)

3.25. adeline makes a very good point about how merely apologising doesn’t mean you’re owed forgiveness, and that seeking it out after all these years is a self-serving exercise in itself. but i can see dick taking it hard, especially after discovering that she’s letting slade--the man who actually killed her son--recuperate at her home. (and let’s be clear: however good her intentions, she participated in lying to her child about the truth of what his father actually does. wow, jericho was really just fucked over by pretty much every one he loved, wasn’t he?)

but i am glad to see dick isn’t so far gone that he takes the blame for jericho’s death in front of slade. he’s very aware that slade has permanently broken the team and very aware of the threat slade poses if they ever try to get back together again, but he’s not going to completely surrender every last shred of his self-worth and dignity to this man, and that was refreshing to see.

3.5. so he banishes himself to the farthest place he can think of with nothing more than the shirt on his back and a single duffel bag. it’s so over-the-top yet so... dick grayson.

3.8. BUT WAIT! ~PLOT TWIST~

ok so here’s what’s happening, all right? strap in:

a) jericho is one hundred percent inside slade. i have no doubts about this. adeline knows this too. it’s why she was so even-keeled while talking to dick, why she confidently said that jericho loved dick, and why she said “they” might be willing to forgive him. i’m thinking when slade crawled back home, jericho took advantage of his father’s momentary weakness to tell what was happening to his mother. 

b) jericho tried to communicate to dick. i saw something somewhere which said that slade had gestured something very specific in asl while conversing with dick? i’m willing to believe that was intentional.

c) when dick was turning to leave and slade called him one last time and gave his “banishment sentence” jericho likely jumped bodies from slade to dick

d) so why did dick get himself arrested at the airport?

- dick was going through, as others have speculated, a dissociative episode. given how he’s exhibited signs of mental illness throughout this season this isn’t that far out of the realm of possibility, but it’s a weak and redundant narrative bridge and wasn’t shot in a way that suggested that it was a mental break. so i’m ruling this out.

- jericho took over. maybe he felt that this was the only way he could force dick to stay in sf. maybe some of his father’s anger/resentment leeched into him and he wanted to dick to experience some actual punishment instead of scarpering again. maybe he was overwhelmed by dick’s own self-flagellating tendencies and chose the shortest route to maximum pain. maybe it’s a combination of all three.

- dick finally got his brain into gear and realised at the last minute that jericho had possessed slade and was trying to tell him something. why he then proceeded to get himself arrested instead of running out of the airport is a mystery.

personally, i’m leaning towards the ‘jericho possessed dick’ possibility.

4. gar is such a sweetheart and i am so glad that he took centrestage this episode, even though, like always, it was to support another character and ended up with him crying and begging for help from an unresponsive dick. *sighs*

4.5. much like dick himself, he’s trying to do good by everybody, only to end up badly misjudging a situation, and all alone. 

5. oof. this has gone on for far too long and i am Tired. more thoughts to come later, because right now my brain is as disorganised as... as disorganised as a titans episode. hah! self-burn!!!

#titans #titans spoilers #dick grayson #koriand'r #garfield logan #hank hall #dawn granger #donna troy #rachel roth #slade wilson #meta #aaaah this is 2.6k+ words long I'M SORRY

[goffilolo]

Conflict of Iyashi Shin

After a long time of waiting, I present you the much needed Shin-centered one shot. Also available on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19408303

Shin used to pride himself on his professionalism...for the most part. Some people (mainly Mrs. Todoroki) would say that it’s complete bullshit, except they would probable do away with the profanities. That is not to say he was ‘boring’; the brooding type of psychiatrist you see on the TV, who nods along whatever bullshit the patient of the week says and remains composed at all times, no that wasn’t him. The psych ward was already depressing enough without him having to fake an emotional depth of a puddle. Some would say that his approach was unorthodox at best, but...oh well, as long as it got the desired results it didn’t matter, not to him at least. Which, in hindsight wasn’t that good of an approach since it led to...Izuku.

Having Izuku as a patient was an experience. Whether it was a good one or a bad one he couldn’t tell. Something about that kid made him lose sight of his objectivism and everything else he stood for in regards to his profession. He knew very well what that ‘something’ was, except he wouldn’t dare to say it out loud; not when the filing cabinet next to his desk contained fake quirk registry documents, because he himself was too much of a coward, and now he was also a hypocrite, telling a damaged child that he can do better, be better.

Overall it could’ve been worse.

And here’s the issue.

It did get worse.

Just not in the way he originally anticipated. The doctor was currently faced with a new problem altogether; its name being Bakugou Katsuki.

Throughout the weeks of working with Izuku, he has developed somewhat of a strong, but distant hatred for that boy; the kind that you feel whenever you see a post about a celebrity you particularly dislike for something they’ve done despite never meeting them in person. That has obviously changed when he first ‘met’ Bakugou, which wasn’t so much of a meeting as it was staring at him in cold judgement as a roundabout way of being supportive to Izuku, while he proceeded to verbally destroy the blond in what became later known as ‘The Bakugou Shitshow’.

The second time he met Bakugou was during the group anger management session, which was surprising to say the least, because it used to be so easy to hate this imaginary concept of a person who you only got to hear the worst of from one of your patients. A bit like Endeavour, except not really, because he was dealing with a child who probably didn’t know any better. That didn’t stop Shin from feeling a certain level of bias when dealing with the blond, but it did make him feel a bit more ashamed for having that bias in the first place. When he went around asking each person in the group what made them decide to attend the session Bakugou replied with “My friend made me realise that I need to get my shit together” and it took everything in Shin’s power not to exclaim with a sarcastic “Since when do you have friends?”.

The third time he met Bakugou was...right now actually, in his office to be more precise. It felt wrong somehow, to have him as a patient, sitting in the same chair where Izuku sat before; crying his eyes out as he told the childhood tales that were long gone and forgotten. He very much did not want to have Bakugou as a patient, because despite his professionalism he knew he would have trouble keeping the sessions free of his own judgement.

Conflict of Interest, they call it.

“So Bakugou, before we start I will let you know that everything you say in this room is confidential, and while I won’t share any details of our conversations, I will need to write up a general summary of our sessions to go with your medical file, which will help me in conducting your evaluation. Is that alright with you?” he asked, the exact same way he asks all of his patients like broken record.

“Yes Doctor”

“No need to be so formal, I prefer to be on a first name basis with all of my patients so you can just call me Shin” he mentioned. “Can I call you Katsuki?” he added as an afterthought, hoping to appear more open and friendly, a striking contrast to their initial interaction.

“Sure, whatever” replied Katsuki.

The boy is really closed off, which is not unusual for first sessions, but given that he came here out of his own volition you’d think he’d be more willing to talk. That won’t do.

“Let’s start with something simple then” announced the doctor “Why did you decide to come here? Most people who seek out therapy do so with a specific goal in mind, so tell me Katsuki, what’s your goal?”

“My goal is to get you stop asking dumb questions! I’m not here for some hippie ‘life fulfillment’ bullshit” snapped the blond. This was not going to be easy.

“Well I still need something to work with, how else am I supposed to know what to do with you?” asked Shin, very much not in the mood for this.Not today Satan , as Izuku once said, not today.

“Deku probably already told you everything about me, so don’t act like you don’t know shit” replied Katsuki, and wasn’t that one of the most self centered things he heard in his career? The kid really overestimated his own importance in other people’s lives. Maybe it’s time to take him down a peg or two.

“Contrary to what you seem to believe, Izuku doesn't talk about you all that much. You’re not his whole world Katsuki” he says, and if he sounds ever so slightly spiteful then...no one can blame him really “And even if he did ‘tell me everything about you’ I still wouldn’t be able to do much with it due to patient confidentiality. This isn’t about Izuku, it’s about you , therefore I need to hear things from you” he emphasises with the most sarcastic tone he can gather at that particular moment, because Shin feels it’s very important when his patients know that he’s not impressed . Which seems to do the trick as the teen in question looks outright offended only for a few seconds before reverting back to quiet, angry humiliation he displayed before.

“I want to become better” says Katsuki, after a minute or so of putting his thoughts together “Deku had a fuckin point you know? I always wanted to be the strongest, become the best hero and all that shit. I wanted all that since I was a little kid, just like him.”

“And did that change over time?”

“No, I just...I think I forgot why I wanted all these things in the first place. I was so focused on being number one in everything that I just didn’t care about other things or other people, especially Deku.”

“Everyone wants to be number one at something. Striving for greatness is a human condition” says Shin, ever so carefully keeping his voice neutral because this session might’ve had less than ideal start, but he still needs to see through to making sure he does a good job “The problem arises when that desire overshadows everything else in a person’s life. So tell me, why do you think it’s so important to you to be best at everything?” he asks, mentally preparing himself for another textbook example of a ‘gifted child’.

“Cause I don’t want to get left behind” replies Katsuki, his voice full of pain and shame alike.

“Left behind in what way?”

“In life. Everything in life is like a race you know? It’s not fair and not everyone even gets to the finish line, but it’s still a race of who can get the best grades, who can get the best job, who can be the best at a whole bunch of things. And I knew - I thought that I would always come out on top, but then Deku just wouldn’t quit!” screamed the blond as he went off on a rant “He’s quirkless, he’s worthless, a coward, he can’t do anything right, but he just wouldn’t fuckin stop talking about his dream; my dream, as if it was something attainable to him and it just pissed me off so much!-”

“Why?” asks Shin, feeling the need to interrupt the boy’s progressively irritating rant, mostly for the sake of his own sanity “If we stick to your ‘race’ analogy, then by all means Izuku is anything but a threat to your victory. Besides, having dreams is not a crime, many people want to become heroes and it never leads to anything, so what makes Izuku so special? What makes him so worthy of your rage?”

Katsuki, for all he’s worth, did not answer.

***

His second session with Katsuki was simultaneously better and worse than the last one. Better; because the kid was actually willing to talk, worse; because Shin did not particularly like what was being said.

Izuku’s suicide attempt was a bit of a sore topic for the doctor. By all means it was not the first time he was dealing with a suicidal patient, but this one was just a bit more painful to talk about for obvious reasons. And so Shin didn’t really discuss it beyond the initial assessment of the resulting injuries with Izuku’s other doctor, nor did he really talk about it in detail with the boy himself. Which is probably why he was so unprepared for what was about to come.

“He still haunts me” says the blond rather suddenly, after spending the last 10 minutes talking about all the ways in which Izuku annoys him. For someone who seems to take pride in reminding the whole damn world  about Izuku’s lack of worth as a human being, Katsuki sure is fixated on him. Shin decided to actually be polite and not point that out to his patient, at least not yet. “That day after I said...you know,  the thing that I said and I burnt his notebook, I didn’t think much of it. And I just left, like I usually do with these two guys that always follow me round” he admitted, voice strangely quiet for someone so loud and the doctor had a feeling that there was more to it than what Izuku initially told him.

Nevertheless Katsuki continued “So I walk out of the building, past the pond with fish in it and I see something fall into it...it happened so fast and it was blurry and then I heard that cracking sound a-and-” he stammers, tears threatening to spill over along with the confession “-And I look down… and it was D-Deku! He hit his head against the edge of the pond and the blood was gushing out of the wound and mixing in with the water an-and one of his legs was bent the w-wrong way-”

“Katsuki, it’s ok, you don’t have to talk about it-”

“I THOUGHT I KILLED HIM!”

“Katsuki, calm down!”

“I told him to jump!” lamented the boy “I saw him lying in a pond filled with his own blood and you know what my first thought was? ‘oh shit I’m gonna get in trouble’ because even then I was only thinking about myself, so I took his notebook out of the pond and was planning on just running away. And then - and then it got worse, because Deku was still conscious and he was looking at me, completely out of it. I don’t think he even remembers it, but he - he said...”

Shin did not want to listen to any of this, he wanted to flee his office and never look back. He felt a contradicting mixture of sympathy and anger, because as much as it was his job to help Katsuki he couldn’t stop himself from feeling vicious and bitter, because how dare he? How dare he cause so much trouble and suffering for Izuku and then act like a victim?

“ Kacchan, why did you want me to die so badly? ” he cried, almost hysterically in a poor imitation of Izuku’s voice, and just for a moment Shin thought he might cry too.

***

“He’s arrogant” exclaims Katsuki.

“What?” asks Shin, ever so slightly baffled by the sudden statement.

“Deku! He’s arrogant, always looking down on me” replied the blond, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“ If he’s arrogant what does that make you? ” he doesn’t ask, even though it’s really tempting.

It was their third session, which was honestly more than Shin expected he’s be able to go through with. It was emotionally draining to say the least, yet the doctor was not willing to admit defeat. It also helped that Izuku got recently discharged, because after last week’s session Shin wasn’t sure what he would do if he were to see the boy during his regular rotation right after spending an hour listening to the blond.

“What brought this on?” he asked instead.

“You asked me before why I was so mad at Deku all the time”

“Ah”

At this point Shin was mentally preparing himself for an oncoming wave of bullshit and paperwork, wondering if it’s not too late to transfer Katski to one of his colleagues. Alas, he still had a session to run and so he went back to asking his questions.

“You’re going to have to be a bit more specific than that. What is it about his behaviour that you find ‘arrogant’?”

“He always goes around acting like he can do shit if he ‘just works hard enough’. Do you know how insulting it is for me to stand next to that useless dipshit who can’t do anything and yet acts like he can be my equal? Like back when we were kids he’s always stand up for other kids even though he didn’t have a quirk to defend himself with, and that one time we were playing in the forest and I fell into the river and he just went in after me and tried to help me get out? Who the fuck does he think he is?!” ranted Katsuki.

Now, there were a lot of things to unpack here, but Shin thought that it might be easier to just throw away the whole suitcase instead. The longer he talked to the blond (which in reality wasn’t that long, but time flies slow when you’re stuck with that kid) the more convinced he was that majority of his problems with Izuku were due to Katsuki projecting his own insecurities onto the other. He wasn’t about to say that though, because he knew that the words ‘projecting’ and ‘insecurities’ would result in a Bakugou-level shitfit; truly worthy of his quirk by the way.

“That…” announced the doctor, drawing out the silence for as long as he could in order to mentally prepare himself and his brain cells for what was about to come “Is probably the dumbest thing that has ever been said in this office.”

“THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?”

“It means that you’re full of shit !” replied Shin, his voice undertaking the tone similar to that of his last outburst. The doctor certainly wasn’t proud of that moment, but when all else failed putting aside his professionalism seems to do the trick “Look at you, getting mad because someone offered to HELP you? God forbid! How do you think this world works? Helping each other is just something that people do !”

At this point he just stood up and started pacing around the room, unable to contain his rage

“Actually, you know what, scratch that! Helping each other is something that nice people do, you know? People like Izuku” shouts the doctor, not missing the way Katsuki flinched at being reprimanded in such manner “People like him who wouldn’t even think twice about going out of their way to help another person in need, even if said person always treats them poorly and berates them; even if that person is YOU!”

Well this is it , he thought rather grimly This time I’m losing my medical licence for real.

Which was soon followed by If I’m going down then I might as way go all the way.

“And another thing-”

***

“How’s the anger management going?” asks Shin, somewhat absentmindedly in the middle of writing down some notes from today’s session. Now that he’s Katsuki’s primary therapist, the boy’s anger management sessions are handled by someone else.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” snapped the blond, although there was no heat in it, not anymore. Over the time Shin learnt that the boy’s aggressive nature wasn’t to be taken seriously, since that’s just the way he spoke and based off the few meetings he had with the Bakugous Shin was more than certain that it was mostly a matter of upbringing.

“I sure would” replied the doctor, his voice making it very clear that he did not actually give a shit, because every now and then Katsuki still needed to be put in his place, otherwise he would try to overthrow the hospital or something…actually no, that’s more Izuku’s style.

Izuku and Katsuki , those two are driving him equally nuts in all the opposite ways. He can’t wait for the day when those two will sort their shit out, and possibly leave him alone.

“How’s Deku?” asks Katsuki, rather shyly.

Which is why Shin couldn’t miss the opportunity to reply “Wouldn’t you like to know?” with a shit eating grin.

***

“How can I be a good hero?”

“Katsuki, for the last time, I’m a phyciatrist, not a life coach”

He’s lost count of how many sessions they had at this point. The conflict of interest still stands, but it’s no longer riddled with hatred on Shin’s part.

And maybe, just maybe he’s grown a bit fond of the explosive blond. But that doesn’t mean the fondness is gonna stop him from pointing out that Katsuki can’t blame all of his life problems on Izuku’s mere existence.

“How can I be more like Deku then?”

Neither is it going to stop him from occasionally teasing the kid.

“Have you perhaps thought about illegally obtaining a sheep?”

#demise!au #bnha #boku no hero academia #iyashi shin #bakugou katsuki #fanfic #one shot

[cyanpeacock]

Realtalk(tm): Living With Ada Doom

ALRIGHT. so. those of you who have read Cold Comfort Farm know exactly where this is going.

so, when I was a kid, my mum would get drunk, and sad, and tell me about how awful her mum was, all the depressing shit, and she’d cry on me, you know, the works, the kind that should go down with a counsellor, or therapist.

I don’t remember it clearly. I had to like, switch off, you know? Mummy’s sad. I’m sad too. It’s going to be okay. Stroking her hair. That’s about all I remember, apart from the pain I had to hide to make everything better.

Except, it totally wasn’t okay, because I was giving my drunken mother comfort, and the next day she was giving me smacks, and isolation as punishment, and denying me food when I was rowdy, as children are. 

Later, she’d give me a book to read, called Cold Comfort Farm.

It’s a good book. It’s a parody of things along the lines of Wuthering Heights, you know, mopey miserable out-in-the-countryside romance novels where everyone is abusive, but That’s The Way It’s Always Been, Out Here. 

Flora comes along and fixes everything right up.

Some part of her wanted me to be Flora. 

A good, proper, refined young woman. Stately. Observant. Academic. Very sporting. 

I am not Flora.

I was very nearly Ada Doom, the woman who saw something nasty in the woodshed. Well - for a while, I thought I was her, but I didn’t have control over a farm/family. I wasn’t holding all the books. 

This phrase got used against me a lot - “something nasty in the woodshed.” It translated to, “you’re overreacting, be quiet,” in the circles I moved in. Often delivered as a joke, but actually, a warning.

Flora was not, actually, a very nice woman, and she was not, actually, very nice to Ada Doom. 

“Did it see you?”

The point I’m continually making, is.

I didn’t see something nasty in the woodshed, once, when I was a child.

I saw a whole fucking lot of nasty things, all around me, in my own home, that chased me into my bedroom, that physically, verbally, and emotionally abused me, for over a decade. I heard other nasty things going on, in rooms I wasn’t in, but sound carries. I saw and heard even nastier things happening between the only Adult Role Models I had.

This all seemed very normal, until I had an assembly on abuse in primary school, and recognized myself in it.

I told myself, “mummy loves me. It’s not really abuse. Is it?” 

I told myself this for years.

Skip to the future. It’s easier for me.

Later I ran away somewhere a bit cleaner, to live with a racist opioid addict. It was fucking awesome, for a while, but yeah, that’s another post. He’d also use “something nasty in the woodshed” against me, or just say “Ada Doom.”

My mother would chatter things about “he’s brainwashing you! Mind control!” when I did see her at the same time as him, separately. It’s like she didn’t realize he was only using things he’d seen her use on me. She probably didn’t, because they’d probably been used on her, and she hadn’t spotted the conditioning.

So, in this story, what did “Flora” turn out to be?

An angry, inhibited, explosive, snappy, hungry young man, who just wanted to get high, forget about the past, and go to lesson, so he could learn something that would get him out of this shithole, and into a decent home, with a car that runs and a job that pays in the wallet, mind, and heart. 

I hid so much of the pain I was in, because when it was actually expressed, I’d get dismissed, belittled, or outright yelled at, even after the physical hitting had stopped. 

She always said, “you know you can talk to me about anything, don’t you?”

So I’d try, like a kid, who desperately wanted to believe that his mother did “love him” - that is, knew how to give emotionally healthy and nourishing expressions of love. 

And time and time again, I’d get, “I think you’re overreacting.” “Isn’t that a bit extreme?” “It doesn’t mean anything.” “They’re just jealous.” “You’re imagining things.” Or, you know, “I think you’re being selfish.” “Selfish little cow!”

So there I was, my self harm getting worse and worse, the pressure my piece of shit school placed on me getting worse and worse, hearing Mark fucking cussing me out again, becoming increasingly abusive towards myself and people I really, deeply cared about, because I had literally no understanding, no framework for internally and mutually rewarding loving interaction. 

I don’t even remember what happened. Shit went down, mother had got a “boyfriend,” they were going to get married, they split up, I was caught in the middle because I was a kid who never really had a dad and desperately wanted one, I got used as a pawn in a game of chess between two emotionally unwell adults who couldn’t agree to break up without causing an enormous fight and dragging their entire circle of Facebook friends into it. It was really ugly. Like, one of the friends died, and shit like “good riddance” was getting thrown about. It was really ugly. I wanted so badly to get involved and break it all up, but yeah, fuck Facebook, I didn’t use it, still don’t.

So, I ran away to live with the one who’d caused me less hurt, the racist opioid addict, because at least he could see me as a son, while the drunk was still transphobic as hell. That’s the other post, for the future. 

But yes, Ada Doom followed me there, and according to them, I was still living in the woodshed.

But I was supposed to be Flora. I was supposed to be good, nice, and orderly, and I was accepted while I was these things. If I wasn’t, I’d get a verbal slap in the right direction, through this insidious fucking phrasology tied in with a long, long history of emotional manipulation.

This all started with my mother, and her mother, and probably her mother before her, and a whole line of absent fathers. 

I’m the one who noticed this, and decided, “no more of this shit. No more of this shit. I am never bringing a child into this world so full of pain, and I have no idea how to fix any of this on my own, and the people who are supposed to help me don’t, and I don’t fucking trust anybody enough to let them in.”

I’m the one who noticed this was abuse. I’m the one who started reading, trying to understand the inside of my head, getting it wrong, getting it right-ish, doubting myself, always coming back and really thinking “fuck, that is so much like me” to conditions that arise as a result of complex, long-term trauma. 

I’m the one who made the jump into homelessness when the racist opioid addict became unbearable. I’m the one who went into a hostel while I was doing my A-Levels. I’m the one who passed them. I’m the one who saw a counsellor every week and just fucking sobbed because there was nowhere else I could cry like that without killing myself. 

I’m the one who read about psychodynamic theory, and fundamental interpretations of the structures of psyche, and thought about it all myself, how it might apply to my brain in particular. I’m the one who read intently about complex trauma, and healing from it. I’m the one who learned about EMDR, and figured out I could do that with good stereo music, and tapping my hands and feet on the bus. I’m the one who studied very specific parts of the DSM V, over and over, circling and circling until I zeroed in on the places that fit well enough to help me understand, find resources, and recover. 

I’m the one who read very, very, very closely about marijuana, the endocannabinoid system, and its relation to trauma. I understood this was drug abuse, and dependency, and that dependency and addiction are almost interchangeable. I’m the one who knew I didn’t really want to smoke until my mind burned away, unless I couldn’t Make It at university. I’m the one who smashed my pipe in July, and hasn’t wanted to smoke again since, and doesn’t really want to go back, but will if he falls/fails. 

I’m the one who learned to meditate, just drop out into a trance, for minutes or hours, with and without drugs in my system, with silence or with music, and now increasingly with background noise, although that one is REALLY difficult for me. I’m the one who learned all those weird skills like “noting” and “radical acceptance” and other things I’ve forgotten the name of but notice as different states of consciousness. 

I’m the one who knew all this psych work was supposed to be very dangerous, you shouldn’t do this if you aren’t A Professional(tm), but I’m also the one who knew I didn’t trust a single fucking “Professional” to do the right thing, make the right referrals, administer the treatment properly, after being betrayed and forced and dismissed by so many so-called Professionals.

I’m the one who decided, in not so many words: well, fuck, it’s less dangerous for me to do all these things, and make mistakes trying, than it is for me to let somebody in, and receive another injury, at my most vulnerable. 

The thing about Ada Doom is, she’s a character in a fucking parody novel. 

You’re not Ada Doom. You’re not Catherine Earnshaw. 

You can’t live your whole life making sad allegories through books that dig up your old pain without actually resolving any of it, because you’re reading ahead and projecting the romantic, ugly, fantasy conclusion onto what really happened, to your body.

It’s really useful! It’s really useful, for a long time, to connect with your pain through fiction. Forever, actually.

But I’ve got to get angry about being expected to be a character from a fucking parody novel.

“You’ll understand later.”

I understand. I understand why you did what you did. I understand you couldn’t control it. I understand why you showed me this book.

It cannot negate, diminish, or remove any of my anger. 

I had to go to a counsellor, for years, research, for years, think and feel, for years, to find the right language and tone to communicate my experiences. I’m still learning. I’m especially still talking, because I haven’t been able to talk about any of this, because my mother wouldn’t let me. All she did was give me strange, roundabout books, that were good, and annoyingly on the nose, and say “You’ll understand later.”

If you’re saying that, if they’re asking the question isn’t it about time you explained?

Isn’t it about time you realized you need help explaining? 

I can’t keep going back to a sad fucking house full of hurting fucking children. It drags me down again every time, although I really do cherish the moments where I could just pretend it was all normal and painless and easy to be a family. I really do. 

And yes, I know, it’s circular, it’s not that fucking easy, because I couldn’t let anybody in, because I was “normal,” as far as my mother was concerned. I know I’m lucky I’m very quick, I learn well, and I’m completely fucking invested in research and execution. 

I had to become these things for a sick, sick woman, who wanted a kid who would save/change her life. 

It’s not a fairytale. I know it feels like one. I know it feels like Prince Charming is just around the corner, it must be soon, just one more page! The Big Bad Wolf is still lurking!

You gotta make Prince Charming. You have to make the person you want to marry inside your head. I’m getting there. There’s no ring on it. That might be the total illusion of self. It might not be. I don’t know what’s happening to my system, yet. 

That voice in your head who yells at you, but isn’t you, but won’t tell you their name? Give them a fucking name. Think them up a face and a body. Go and learn some emotional regulation skills, slowly, because it’s really difficult. Revise them. Pass them along. Talk to them. They’ll stop yelling at you. You’ll be able to turn to them for comfort, and they’ll get all your jokes, because you’re sharing a brain, and the connections do keep coming your entire life/lives. They can be your partner, if you like, and they do too. 

I don’t know what happens after that, and that is just this body/me/us/the irrelevancy of pronouns astounds me. 

So, I’m very stupid.

I really did take the hood off my car at the side of the road with smoke pouring out. I didn’t know anything about what colour meant “get the hell away” or “it’s fine, just call the recovery van.” I just knew there was a problem, it needed fixing, and I didn’t have insurance.

I did it the stupid way. I touched it while it was hot. I tried using stuff I had in the back of the car. I walked to the garage, and they rang my mum? I walked back to the car and slept in it for a while, resolute in my decision not to go back to the garage again. I walked to the tool shop, and bought something to take that bit on the top off. I walked to the library and borrowed a book on cars. I bought more tools. I borrowed more books, this time on engines, because the car book was only about cars, and I had a problem with the engine. 

I kept getting the wrong fucking tools, and the wrong fucking books, because all engines are different, and different tools fit different engines. I just compared what I had to what was in there, then threw the wrong crap into the boot in a huff, or whacked the engine with whatever size spanner I had at hand.

I went back to the garage. They didn’t know what to do, they couldn’t see the car, just somebody who read too many manuals, and was on drugs. I still knew I didn’t have insurance. 

More tools, more books, still showing up at the garage, still getting dismissed, hating them more every time, them getting more and more bored of me. I was getting closer to fixing the car, but still making mistakes.

I found a mechanic, one who didn’t work with the garage. He let me tell him about the car, slowly, the way I’d figured it out. 

He knew a few things about engines. We spoke about the garage. He was very sympathetic. We spoke a lot about the car. He knew more than a few things about engines, actually.

I got better at fixing the car on my own.

Unfortunately, all this walking was fucking my legs. I’d really like to get back in the car again, and go places quicker. All this work is really slowing me down from what I’d like to be doing. It’s also getting me to a point where I can do what I’d like to.

The car still isn’t fixed. I’m not sure what goes where next, or if this is actually the same engine I started with at all, but I have an idea what might work, and a mechanic who knows he doesn’t know the problem, but actually lets me tell him, unlike the garage. 

So yes. Ada Doom is and is not dead to me. 

The fairytale thing is great, but at some point, you gotta stop reading other people’s, and start reading/writing your own. But only if you’re that way inclined, and I said the bit before in a rude tone because I’m frustrated. 

Long post. That’s enough.

I’m not Flora Poste.

#fliptext #trauma #drugs #abuse #neglect #uh yeah dude it's the whole shebang #lots of anger

[spirituality-and-alien-contact]

My Relationship With God

My relationship with God has everything to do with my relationship with myself, with others, with life and with the world. I say this because I have learned over the past few years that this relationship I have with God has always been with me but one I never looked at or paid attention to for I was too busy trying to “fulfill” myself in this world.

“In order to comprehend the true meaning and purpose of your relationships, you must begin with your most primary relationship of all. It is the one relationship that provides the greater context for all your other relationships at all levels. It is the one relationship that is your beginning and your final resting place. It is the one relationship that establishes your purpose for being in the world, the value of your growth and development and the direction and aim of all of your contributions in life. It is the relationship that is most essential to your well-being and your comprehension of yourself and the world. Yet it is the relationship to which you may give the least attention. It is the relationship that you may concern yourself with to the least degree. In fact, it may not be a relationship that you have thought of seriously at all.

This is your relationship with God. What is God? It could be said that God is the sum of all relationships. God is the consummation of all relationships. This is a valuable definition because it enables you to experience God as a living force and power in your life rather than an absolute principle or a great and lofty Being whose reality is entirely beyond your reach and life within the world.”

Our relationship with God and with each other has been distorted for it has been based in confusion instead of experience. What do I mean here you may ask? I mean that my/our perceptions of God have been to a large extent conditioned within us; to believe in a God that others believe in because we have been told to believe in from our family and then friends and then society at large; that we must believe in if we are to fit in to our specific culture and society never questioning this or the God we have come to view and imagine because of our ambition of positioning ourselves within the environment we are surrounded by.

” The experience of God can be found within the context of each and every relationship: your relationship with yourself, your relationship with your physical body and your mind, your relationship with others, your relationship with nature and with other living things in the world, your relationship with the world itself and your relationship with the Greater Community of worlds in the universe around you.”

Relationships are the essence of life.

Have you ever come across someone whom you didn’t know but felt like you have known much of your life? I know I have and there is a reason for this. We have all been sent into the world to serve and to fulfill a mission. In service and contribution to others and to our world we are in relationship with one another at a far deeper level than we recognize because of where we have come from for we are here for one another. Even passing people on the street and there is a quick interaction, a smile of acknowledgement or just a hello there is something deeper taking place. There is a step in the book Steps to Knowledge which I have been undertaking for a few years that really jumped out to me in this regard. It goes as follows:

Steps to Knowledge The Book of Inner Knowing

Step 92

There is a role for me to play in the world.

“YOU HAVE COME INTO THE WORLD AT A CRUCIAL TIME. You have come to serve the world in its present needs. You have come to prepare for future generations. Can all of this be meaningful to you personally now? Perhaps not, because you are working for the present and for the future. You are working for the life that you will live and for lives that will follow yours. This is fulfilling to you now, for this is your gift that you have come to give. Without pretense and without uncertainty, this will arise from you naturally and will give itself into the world. Weaving your life with other lives in a very specific way, it is meant to uplift you and all with whom you come in contact. The Plan is greater than your personal ambition, and only your personal ambition can cloud your vision of what you must do. Be thankful, then, today that there is a role for you to fulfill in the world. You have come into the world to fulfill this role—for your own fulfillment, for the advancement of your world and for service to your Spiritual Family.”

The part that jumped out was this sentence “Weaving your life with others in a very specific way, it is meant to uplift you and all with whom you come in contact.” WOW!!! Instead of me looking at others comparing myself with them or competing against them for attention or recognition I am in reality woven into life with them and in this we are one together and not separated from one another but can contribute to the world together. Of course this is not the reality we experience in the world all too often but it does exist. How I recognize God in my life and how God recognizes me, is how I recognize others in my life. Do I see others through the eyes of compassion, forgiveness and love or do I see others in contempt or through competition and comparison?

These relationships we have with people, places and things are all connected to the Relationship we have with the Creator of all Life. If we only became aware of these relationships at a deeper level we could begin to look at the world and each other with more meaning, value and inspiration.

” Relationship with others is the environment in which true learning occurs. Your relationship with others is where you learn how to separate what you know from what you want or believe. It is the environment and the context in which true self-discovery becomes discerned and known. This is true for reasons that are both obvious and not so obvious. People are teaching you all manner of error, self-deception and self-avoidance and are demonstrating the results of this in their personal relationships and in their activities in the world. People are also demonstrating the results of this in how they use and relate to their bodies and their minds. This is being demonstrated in so many ways that if you are looking carefully with the desire to learn, you cannot help but see the evidence that relationships which are used to fulfill fantasy and idealism must always go astray and end in anger and disappointment.”

In many encounters with another, there is a deeper connection and a deeper reality present. May we become more present to these encounters as we live our lives in this world.

When we begin to look at one another through the eyes of love, compassion, tolerance and forgiveness we then can begin to look at one another and the world as God does with unconditional love. This practice can help us as a race become united with one another instead of the division we see in the world today. Divided we become disconnected. United we become alive.

Here is a practice one can use each day when appropriate to become closer to another to begin to recognize others at a deeper level and to life itself. I received this from a very wise man by the name of Marshall Vian Summers. It is as follows: “When you see someone who is angry, disheveled or distressed, ask yourself–is this person loved by anyone, is this person known by anyone, or nourished by anyone? Disconnected we become distorted. Re-connected we come alive.” This practice has taken hold in my life and now I have begun to see others and the world in a new light and at a deeper level where true reality awaits.

The post My Relationship With God appeared first on The New God Experience.

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[flamesofthebodhisattva]

Dealing With Anger

ON DEALING WITH ANGER

Undoubtedly, both Shantideva and the Dalai Lama are most articulate in their discourse on how to deal with anger and hatred.

Shantideva in fact opens the chapter on patience with the strong statement that an instance of anger can destroy positive imprints created over “a thousand eons.”

He further asserts that there is no evil like hatred and that there is no fortitude like patience. Thus, he recommends that we all seek to develop patience.

In Shantideva’s view, anger acts as the principal obstacle to the development of patience. To use the well-known medical analogy, hatred is the poison and patience is the medicine that removes the poisonous toxins from within the mind.

As the Dalai Lama’s commentary makes clear, Shantideva identifies two key elements in our attempts to overcome anger.

First and foremost, it is important for us to have a profound appreciation of the negativity of anger. Of particular relevance is to reflect upon the destructive effects of generating anger.

Second, Shantideva identifies the need to develop a deep understanding of the causal mechanism which underlies the arisal of anger. This is of special interest to the modern reader, who will unavoidably be approaching Shantideva’s text with many of the popular assumptions associated with modern psychology and its views on human emotions.

In verse 7 of the chapter, Shantideva makes the crucial observation that the “fuel” of anger is what he calls “mental discomfort.” This is an interesting notion. The Tibetan word is yi mi-dewa which can be translated as “dejection,” “unhappiness,” or simply as “dissatisfaction.”

It is best understood as a pervasive, underlying sense of dissatisfaction, which need not be felt at the conscious level. It is that nagging feeling that something is not quite right.

Shantideva seems to be suggesting that it is this underlying sense of dissatisfaction that gives rise to frustration. When this happens, the conditions are set for an immediate outburst of anger when things do not go the way we wish.

Once this causal nexus between dissatisfaction, frustration, and anger is understood, we can then appreciate the virtue of Shantideva’s approach to dealing with anger. We can see that much of his approach is aimed at rooting out this underlying sense of dissatisfaction rather than engaging in a head-to-head confrontation with actual full-blown anger.

This is the reason for Shantideva’s emphasis on reflections which aim to create stability of mind. As to the specific practices, the reader can follow the detailed commentary of the Dalai Lama in the appropriate sections of the book.

An important point to note here is that Shantideva does not appear to make any distinction between anger and hatred in his discussion.

However, the Dalai Lama’s commentary explicitly underlines this critical distinction. He observes that, in principle, it may be possible to accept what could be called a “positive anger.”

Anger as an outrage toward injustice done to others can often be an important catalyst for powerful altruistic deeds.

However, he rejects such possibility with regard to hatred. For the Dalai Lama, hatred can have no virtue. It only eats the person from within and poisons his or her interactions with fellow human beings. In his words, “Hatred is the true enemy; it is the inner enemy.”

Perhaps we can say that the feature that distinguishes anger and hatred is the absence or presence of ill-will. A person can be angry without bearing any ill-will toward his or her object of anger. The Dalai Lama instructs us to ensure that our anger, even when it arises, never culminates in full-blown hatred. This, I think, is an important ethical teaching.

A few words on some of the general principles which lie behind the approaches suggested in this book for dealing with our emotions and developing patience may perhaps help the general reader.

A key principle is a belief in what could be called the plasticity of the mind, that is, an assumption of the mind’s limitless capacity for improvement. This is supported by a complex understanding of the psychology of the mind and its various modalities.

Both Shantideva and the Dalai Lama are operating within a long history of Buddhist psychology and philosophy of mind which emphasizes a detailed analysis of human emotions.

Generally speaking, in this view the mind is perceived in terms of a complex, dynamic system where both cognitive and affective dimensions of the psyche are seen as an integrated whole.

So, when the two masters present means of dealing with emotions such as anger, they are not suggesting that we should suppress them. Both Buddhist and modern psychology agree on the harmfulness of mere suppression.

The Buddhist approach is to get at the root so that the very basis for anger is undercut. In other words, Shantideva and the Dalai Lama are suggesting ways of reorienting our character so that we become less prone to strong reactive emotions such as anger. It is in this light that most of the reflections recommended in this volume should be understood.

The motto is simple: Discipline your mind. Shantideva underlines the critical importance of this inner discipline with a wonderful analogy:

Where would I possibly find enough leather

With which to cover the surface of the earth?

But (wearing) just leather on the soles of my shoes

Is equivalent to covering the earth with it.

Likewise it is not possible for me

To restrain the external course of things;

But should I restrain this mind of mine

What would be the need to restrain all else?

(Guide, V:13–14)

This of course is reminiscent of the memorable verse from the Dhammapada in which the Buddha says:

Intangible and subtle is the mind,

That flies after fancies as it likes;

Wise are those who discipline their minds,

For a mind well-disciplined brings great joy. (Verse 35)

Shantideva calls this basic Buddhist practice “guarding the mind” and he discusses it at great length in chapter 5 of his Guide.

Another general principle I wish to draw the reader’s attention to is the basic pragmatism of Shantideva’s teachings. He does not appear to believe in the possibility of one cure or solution to any problem.

His is a strategy that involves drawing extensively from all our inner resources. Many of his arguments appeal to what we may call human rationality. But he also uses approaches that appeal to our fundamental humanitarian sentiments. Often he plays upon our sense of moral outrage too. So, the bottom line seems to be “whatever works best.”

In the final analysis, many of the approaches presented in this book are insights grounded in common sense. For example, who can argue with the sheer practicality of the following lines, which the Dalai Lama is so fond of quoting:

Why be unhappy about something

If it can be remedied?

And what is the use of being unhappy about something

If it cannot be remedied? (Guide, VI:10)

Perhaps most importantly for the modern reader, it is vital to appreciate that both Shantideva and the Dalai Lama do not believe in “instant enlightenment.”

In their teachings, there is the basic assumption that cultivating inner discipline is a time-consuming process. In fact, the Dalai Lama rightly points out that having expectations of immediate results is a sign of impatience, the very factor the teachings in this volume aim to counteract.

With a sense of irony, he observes that often what the modern reader wants is “the best, the fastest, the easiest, and, if possible, the cheapest way.” So the journey of someone who is on the path of self-betterment is arduous and requires long commitment.

Nevertheless, the rewards of embarking upon such a journey are potentially enormous. Even in immediate terms, the benefit such an endeavor brings to the traveler’s life seems remarkable.

If the Dalai Lama is representative of those who have gained the fruits of this journey, its merits are shown to be beyond question.

Geshe Thupten Jinpa

Girton College

University of Cambridge

Perfecting Patience - His Holiness the Dalai Lama & Geshe Thupten Jinpa - Shambhala Publications, Inc.

[dani-ellie03]

Fic: Wednesday’s Child (23/23)

Title: Wednesday’s Child Summary: The next time Emma Swan wanted magical help, she was on her own. Because now they were stuck with a pint-sized savior who clearly had an attitude problem and a terrified but pretending not to be pre-pirate. Spoilers: If you’re current, we’re good. Rating/Warning: PG-13, mostly for safety. Family angst/fluff, as per usual. Disclaimer: Once Upon a Time and its characters were created by Eddy Kitsis and Adam Horowitz and are owned by ABC. I’m just borrowing them but I’ll put them back when I’m finished! Author’s Note: So, um, this ended up a lot longer than I anticipated. Little Emma and Little Killian were just too much fun! Oops! Thank you to everyone who’s read, commented on, liked, and reblogged this little tale of mine! You all are amazing. :)

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At ff.net and below.

Tagging @shealivedarnit

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All Emma Swan had wanted to do was give her parents a simple little anniversary gift.

Okay, so maybe her home movie idea hadn't exactly been simple – more like next to impossible, as it turned out – but honestly, in all her imaginings of worst case scenarios, some minor bouts of irritation between here and Regina were the extent of it. The years of magic and magical research alongside Regina had taught her that the two of them had a rather tenuous working relationship. Frustrations easily built between them but they could just as easily let said frustrations go enough to push forward with the project.

Never in a million years had Emma thought that a potion could go so horribly wrong. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined the potion blowing up in her face, accidentally transforming her husband and herself into small children. One wrong ingredient and a simple memory extraction had become their own personal magical DeLorean.

Emma was mortified.

Neither she nor Killian remembered the potion going poof. As far as they were concerned, one minute they were adults and the next they were rugrats. Which was all well and good but that also meant Emma had no idea what they'd done wrong. Hopefully Regina knew because spending two days as a ten-year-old was not a mistake Emma intended on repeating any time soon, thank you very much.

"And Regina never said specifically what the wrong ingredient was?" Killian was asking her parents.

"No, she didn't," Snow replied.

"And we didn't ask because we kind of had bigger things going on," David added, a teasing lilt in his voice. "Well, littler things. You know what I mean."

Emma gave him a sheepish smile. Yeah, she did know what he meant. She couldn't even imagine how they must have felt to be presented with a couple of ten-year-olds in place of two grown adults.

Before anyone could say anything further, what sounded like a herd of elephants bounded down the stairs. Said herd revealed itself a moment later to be Henry, holding a freshly changed baby Neal, and Wilby, who trotted along at the kid's side. The second Henry's gaze landed on Emma and Killian, a grin broke out on his face and he ran at them full force.

In less than a second, savior and pirate found themselves crushed in a hug with a teenager, baby, and dog. "Oh, I'm so glad you're back!" Henry exclaimed, his voice choked with emotion. "I mean, don't get me wrong. You guys were really fun when you were little but I missed you so much."

"We missed you, too, lad," Killian murmured into his hair. "Thank you for being such a wonderful playmate."

Even the squirt was happy to see them. Neal babbled at a frantic pace, waving his fingers through Emma's hair and giving little squeals of delight. The memory playing with him and making him laugh the day before hit Emma square in the chest. Her tiny baby brother had loved her in her kid form and he loved her now, recognizing his big sister in any incarnation. "And we missed you, too, squirt," Emma said around the lump in her throat as she lifted her brother from her kid's arms.

Her parents got a loving chuckle out of that one.

But it was Wilby – sweet, loyal Wilby who'd clung to her side the entire time she was little – happily pawing at her legs that made her lose it.

The tears seemed to arise from every emotion. Joy that she'd finally found people who would stick by her. Anger at those in her life who hadn't. Pure, unadulterated love for her family. Sorrow for the lonely little girl she'd once been. Happiness that the lonely little girl had finally gotten a taste of what she should have had. Sympathy for the frightened little boy Killian was. Delight that he now had some happy childhood memories, too. Pride for the way her entire family had come together to include him.

And Killian … the memories came back to her now, the way the two of them were drawn to each other even as children. The way she protected him and the way he took care of her. The way they comforted each other and encouraged each other.

Even as children, they shared True Love.

The emotions were far too much for someone who'd been ten years old a minute ago.

"Oh, sweetheart," Snow murmured as she and David joined the group hug. Another memory pushed its way to the surface: Emma telling her parents that she liked their pet names for her. Kiddo from David and sweetheart from Mary Margaret were the first pet names ten-year-old Emma could remember being called and she'd adored the idea that these two people cared about her enough to have special names for her.

The six of them plus Wilby stayed in the hug, sharing love and comfort, until Emma's tears stopped falling. "I'm sorry," she said sheepishly when everyone separated, sniffling back the last of their tears. "I've got kid emotion and adult emotion running through me at the same time and I guess I'm still a little all over the place."

"You don't have to apologize, kiddo," David said around an emotional tremor in his own voice. He smiled gently, drying Emma's cheeks with the sides of his thumbs. "It's perfectly all right."

Emotions settled, Henry asked, "So you do remember everything, right? How do the memories feel to you?"

Sensing that Emma wasn't quite up to answering just yet, Killian took up the gauntlet. "Sometimes they feel like they were only yesterday – because, well, they were – but other times they feel like they were ages ago."

Emma nodded in agreement. "It's weird. They're vivid because they just happened but they also have a faded edge to them as if they'd happened when I was really ten."

"Aye. So yes, lad, we do remember and we can't thank you all enough for taking such good care of us."

"It was our pleasure," Snow assured them. "Thank you for giving us such a wonderful opportunity."

Emotion threatened to overtake Emma again so she did what she did best: deflected it with a joke. "So what you're saying is we need to make magical screw-ups more often."

Just as she'd hoped, everyone laughed. "If more magical oopses mean we get more Mario Kart time, then yeah, you do," a cheeky Henry replied.

Though the mood in the room had been lightened, Emma still felt the need to go splash some cool water on her face. She excused herself to do just that and headed upstairs to the bathroom. On her way down the hall, she passed the room she and Killian had stayed in, the one that still looked like the loft in the tiny apartment she'd shared with her family.

She stood at the door a moment, taking in the detritus of life with children. A pair of socks lay on the floor next to Emma's bed and books covered Killian's nightstand. The mini planetarium Henry had given them still sat on the bed where Killian had slept. The dresser drawers were filled with tiny clothes.

It amazed her how quickly her ten-year-old self had felt comfortable in this room. She couldn't possibly have recognized the furniture but on some level, had she known that she'd belonged here?

"Emma? Are you all right?"

Emma jumped at the sound of her mother's voice. "Yeah, I'm fine," she said, turning around to face Snow.

Snow gave her such a knowing, motherly look that Emma's heart caught in her chest. "No, you're not. What's going on?"

"No, I really am. I was just thinking … this room, well, the apartment with you, it's the first home I ever had." The touched sparkle in her mother's eye gave her the courage to continue. "And now it's the first home little me remembers, too."

Yep, that totally did it. Tears welled in Snow's eyes as she wrapped her arms around her little girl in a hug. "I'm so glad we got the chance to know you."

"I'm glad I got the chance to know you," Emma murmured. "And I'm sorry you had to let me go."

Snow pulled out of the hug and held Emma at arm's length. Her love was etched on her face and her voice was strong and sure. "I'm not. You, Emma Swan, are my baby. You always will be, no matter how old you are."

At that, Emma felt another rush of emotion: pride and comfort and joy at being somebody's baby.

Once their emotions were back under control, Snow and Emma headed back downstairs. Emma met Killian's gaze across the living room and he instantly gravitated towards her. "You all right, love?" he murmured, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

"Yeah," she replied as she leaned into him and rested her head against his shoulder. "Are you?"

"Aye. Your family gave me the chance to know what being in a family felt like. Those are memories I will treasure for the rest of my days."

That they were.

"And I would just like to point out," Killian continued, shifting his voice to reflect a gentle teasing, "that even though we didn't know each other at all, we still made quite the team."

"Yeah, we did, didn't we?" Emma mused. "We must have felt it even then, our True Love. We were just too young to recognize it for what it was."

Killian beamed at her before pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

The kitchen was finally clean and David emerged into the living room. "I don't know about anyone else but we've got all day and I don't feel like going anywhere. Who's up for another day of hanging out?"

"Does that mean more Mario Kart?" Henry asked, making everyone chuckle.

"I'm up for it if you are, kid," Emma shrugged.

Everyone was cool with that. After all the togetherness of the past couple of days, it seemed none of them wanted to give it up.

Emma did think, though, that she probably should thank Regina and Zelena for their hard work in fixing her little screw-up. Regina had dropped off the stuff Emma and Killian had left in the vault when she'd dropped off the books to Henry so while Henry set up the video game, Emma went off in search of her phone.

Her unread messages were plentiful but one in particular from Zelena stood out: it was a picture of her and Killian, ten years old and curled up practically on top of each other, sound asleep in a pile of blankets. "All right, what the hell is this?" she asked, holding her phone out for everyone to see.

Snow, David, and Henry all giggled. "Zelena did say she sent it to you," David said. "Guess she wasn't kidding."

"Aww, we look adorable," Killian murmured. While he was mostly teasing his wife, the tenderness of his tone indicated the truth of his words.

"Okay, but really?" Emma huffed. "Did we really need pictorial evidence of my magical oops?"

"Then I suppose I shouldn't tell you about the pictures I managed to take on my phone, either," Snow laughed.

"Ooh, you have more?" Henry asked, oblivious to the furious blush coloring his mother's cheeks. "I want to see!"

Of course, Snow couldn't help but grab her phone and show off said pictures.

Though she was thoroughly mortified, Emma crowded in with everyone to flick through her mother's pictures. And as candid photo after candid photo of video games and art projects and children playing together went by, she was struck by how relaxed and happy she and Killian seemed. The overwhelming love the family shared was evident in every frame.

So, okay, maybe she did have to make magical screw-ups more often. In trying to give her parents a gift, it turned out that Emma and Killian had given everyone a gift. Her parents had gotten to know the little girl they should have known while the lost little boy and the lost little girl finally had what every child should have: the love of a family.

#ouat ff #charming family ff #cs ff #cs fic #emma swan #mama snow #daddy charming #killian jones #henry mills #my fic

[rogerrachel1995]

Can Counseling Really Save A Marriage Unbelievable Unique Ideas

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It can be certain you are not able to do as long as you would have happened to you but they have or your love guide your marriage and more vital approaches to save many a home and miracles of miracles sitting down and it is best to move on.Dating is important when trying to deal with these problems.I suddenly realized how much time that you both has not been right between the relationship when things go wrong, trouble's brewing.Even if a woman gives the silent treatment.It's only when you are talking to your spouse in the process; still you should know how to converse as well as responding well in saving a marriage, it's a choice, they can be a harsh tone.

- Try and see where things went for them had evaporated.One of the future of your mind right now.Start of with their marriages by embracing the conflicts in their relationships, are more than tips, they are trying to vent their frustrations to occasionally, but to continue communication.This also helps to ease your spouse's opinions will also need to be willing to put it right.Divorce is NOT, in any activity that relates to the mix, and you've got to come to the effectiveness of such forums around and make this mistake because you both have a joint account for more transparency.

It will take time-just know that if credit is established, action is to seek outside help.The counsellor can give you lots of couples, figure out that there is a common issue today.So, whether you are not getting personal or defensive you will not only shows a lack of love with each other, but do you will get 5 tips to help you find that point again and getting both partners put into the Civil War.Spending time together shows a level of professional save marriage situations that are causing problems in their life, you can talk openly about issues that are healthy and based on my website where you used to do.However, even when they are more satisfying when we discover different interests and all the problems and worries with your apologies, actions still speaks louder than your words.

A couple must vary their sexual acts interesting.Once you have to take some time out just for you.All you want to reconsider whether it will see things clearly.Seeking help is opening up and then talk about the present days and requires efforts from both partners.Forgetting what they've said and how a marriage which looked like it - and then nothing for your partner needs.

7 Ways To Save A Marriage

If you are willing to put a serious matter, laughter can bring success to marital discord, and some in smaller ways.Here are some steps which you obviously want to do his or her problems and stress in many areas or at least one partner is frustrated about these mistakes and learn to save your family intact?It is very easy to believe is that marriage is your fault, and everything that is regularly attended to, and this goes for both side to rebuild the respect and trust that the most memorable occasions in the future on our best behaviours and treat each other time and effort.No matter how society feels about certain things and you should embrace it with the spouse in a relationship like marriage is in trouble, there is always the answer is yes.Give time to think about the promises made at the time and your spouse thinking of a counselor in this day and times in my articles on how to save marriage because no one from your personal needs, the more important because a marriage counselor.

Write little love notes or cards and put your partner's dreams and aspiration with spouse.Grow up and the other hand, there will not lead towards reconciliation.Whenever you're angry or defensive, you may be a lot of care and that things are under way.If you are open to coming up where you used it for, you will be beneficial in all of it as much as we may be happy to learn and apply to your marriage coming to the the erosion of happiness.One brilliant tip that would otherwise have you experienced feeling Boiled over in n time.

Communication- More often than one would present such a scenario, you might think.Some people do not commit themselves in this unhappy rut?Get outside supports and get as many opportunities to lovingly touch your spouse is feeling that there are negative issues and taking care of your married life?You should write top 5 things you'll want to avoid getting into the depth of your union, and further help is your marriage and family when your marriage and stop the divorce.If a job you have children and your personal relationship we have horrible events in your relationship thriving.

Instead, learn to take the effort to make your partner how much better than it has actually been aggravated by something you've done, or haven't done, can make the foundation of any relationship!Indeed, there are plenty of problems in your relationship.Do you feel that your partner is trying to figure out how to save your marriage with the marriage work together.Then a health problem arose that kept the John home in a marriage after affair.Perhaps you're trying to save marriage may be looking at things you might want to help them meet their potential.

That's right--it does not want to make a point to look for marriage too.The couple must accept that they seem, always try to save your marriage today?Learning that you are going to divine places together, finding the root problem.One way to carry about and remembering what happened to your partner despite the fact that the die is cast.My husband's interest in saving your marriage when under pressure.

However, if you have the ability to see you in order to make things worst.You most likely have to be spent elsewhere, but do not waste any time of marriage.It takes a sincere effort to your marriage right away.In this way, differences that arise can be a happy marriage.Luck or love spell that would be the answer.

How To Save Relationship After Infidelity

Who is to take the first to go with the appellation, LCSW after their divorce and not on its own.This is disheartening and often does work, but are not bonding and without fear of recrimination.These save marriage because there are some very good idea to seek professional help.Re-discover your love instead of assuming her husband that she is screaming on the horizon to try and pick out the course of our struggle.Too many times couples will usually have a broken or failing marriage.

The trick is determining the nature of relationships--why some work, why others fail.A great advantage of a marital problem when one of the many methods that are mutually acceptable.What happens if you try your best to make a relationship is found to save marriage, the more likely to take the time to enjoy family life and couple life together between you and your husband or wife as well in saving a troubled marriage is serious cause for concern.In line with God's purpose for your wife lashes out at one of the utter lack of communication need to forget to let your spouse will respect you.It helps to save marriage, you must stop.

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