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zhuhongs · 3 years

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Ever since I watched Your Name Engraved Herein two weeks ago, I have wanted to talk about Jiahan as whole but in particular this scene right here that starts around the 40 minute mark.

CW’s: discussion of religion, internalized homophobia, violent homophobia, choking, and lack of consent. Generally, the same cws as in the movie.

Read more bc it’s uh.. 2.7k

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As soon as I watched this scene I just knew it had to be really significant and now rewatching YNEH, I realize that this is a major ideological turning point for Jiahan as a character. From this point on he slowly begins to accept that he’s gay and starts to consciously act on his feelings for Birdy. However, I must first add some context and insights on Jiahan’s prior behavior before I dive into this scene as a whole. At the beginning of the movie, we see that while Jiahan feels different from the rest of his roomates, he still sneaks out with them when they go hook up with girls, despite not showing any interest in the girl he’s with. He feels very different from the rest of his friends, but still goes along with them due to peer pressure. Later, he tries to dissuade them from violently hazing the gay student, Xie Zhenhong, (his name is never said in the film but it says so on his uniform shirt, and that what I’ll refer to him as for the rest of the post) but is reluctantly influenced to gang up on the student as well. He closes his eyes while he’s about to strike the bat down on the student, until Birdy rescues the student-- and Jiahan in a way-- from what is about to play out. After this, his friends accuse him of being in the same stall as Birdy (which he was) but he denies it, not wanting to explain why he was there and the ensuing taunting from his friends.

While its obvious that Jiahan has feelings for Birdy, he isn’t confident enough to pursue them outright. Birdy is the more confident one in both their friendship and in his sexuality, not caring about how anyone perceives him and does what he wants regardless of the consequences. Jiahan is the one worried about societal stigma and goes along with things he doesn’t want to do. However after this encounter with the gay underclassman pictured above, Jiahan become more brave and honest about his feelings towards Birdy. Interestingly enough in the scene directly after this, Birdy begins to conceal his true feelings for Jiahan and pursue a straight relationship with Banban. He doesn’t do this hurt Jiahan, as he does reciprocate Jiahan’s feelings, but to discourage him from coming out and becoming a social pariah for being gay. Birdy himself doesn’t mind being an outcast, but he does not want to see the same thing happen to the one he loves. So instead of letting Jiahan do that, he tries to discourage Jiahan from ever pursuing him by getting a girlfriend and suggest Jiahan does the same. In the same day, both Jiahan and Birdy come to opposite realizations about their feelings for the other, thereby changing their dynamic for the course of the movie. Someone else has picked apart Birdy’s scene in their own post. If you haven’t read that analysis, please go read it, because its really good at explaining Birdy’s character since most of his story isn’t directly revealed to us. We must read inbetween the lines and piece it together, which can be confusing on a first watch.

Anyways, now we can focus on Jiahan. At this point in the movie, Jiahan is trying to understand why he’s upset that Birdy is showing interest in a girl in their band while dealing with his own internalized homophobia and denial over his sexuality. He then turns to the only out gay person he knows -- Xie Zhenhong, who he sees in the cafeteria with new bruises on his face. He looks at Jiahan with a smile. This makes me feel like Zhenhong probably picked up on Jiahan and Birdy’s feelings for each other since last year, when he saw them exit the same stall in the bathroom. Having been the Distinguished Out Person in a group before, I can definitely relate to the way Zhenhong reacts to Jiahan. It the typical “oh honey, you don’t realize it yet, but I know you’re gay” reaction.

Jiahan waits outside the cafeteria and calls out to out him from behind. At first Zhenhong ignores him as we can see that he smirks a bit when he first speaks. He definitely heard Jiahan but doesn’t answer him until he repeats himself a few times. Zhenhong purposely stops when the two are in front of the stained glass window, away from others. Jiahan’s word choice towards Zhenhong is also interesting as he addresses him as “學弟” which is a term for an underclassman. To my understanding, it’s not overly formal nor is it overly familiar, however it is the nicest way that anyone has addressed him all movie. Jiahan than asks him who gave him those bruises, showing concern for his well being. He then reveals why he stopped Zhenhong saying “Actually I want to ask you, when did you start liking boys?” This really seals the deal to Zhenhong that Jiahan is talking to him to try and sort out his own feelings towards Birdy. While his suggestion that Zhenhong perhaps “see a doctor” or “consider getting a girlfriend” read as a microaggression to most viewers, Zhenhong himself can tell that Jiahan is asking him this in good faith. And perhaps, this might be the most understanding anyone has been towards him since Birdy helped him out prior. Before he responds, he looks up at Jiahan and fixes his bangs. This all stumps Jiahan whose eyes dart around, speechless. Zhenhong then circles his arms around Jiahan’s neck, a very intimate gesture, and studies him for a moment. We cannot see Jiahan’s face at this moment but he does shuffle slightly, his body language nervous and confused, but not upset. After looking at him, Zhenhong then goes in closer, assumedly to kiss him. At this point, Jiahan physically stops him and grabs him by the throat. However, Jiahan’s face doesn’t seem to be angry, if anything, his face looks more scared and confused-- akin to a ‘what are you doing?’ moment.

Initially Zhenhong’s choice to kiss Jiahan read very...strangely to me. Why would the screenwriter, as a gay man that grew up in the 80’s, choose to include this? What was there to gain? To me it seemed like it was reinforcing the stereotype of gay men being overly flirtacious and viewed as predators. Why show a nonconsentual attempted kiss at all? I thought about it a lot, both for this scene and the following one with the old man and later between Jiahan and Birdy because it seemed?? Odd to me?? Isn’t that a disservice in representing gay men? I don’t fully have the right answer but I feel like by writing the scene like this, it goes to demonstrate how Jiahan still isn’t fully comfortable with being gay. And also that lgbt people, especially teens, aren’t always going to be good rep. Liu Kuang-hui wasn’t writing the movie to be an perfect, morally uplifting, santized gay narritive. He was writing something that spoke to his real life experience as a gay man in 1980’s Taiwan. In real life, people do questionable things and good narratives are supposed to make you question characters and their actions and judge for yourself whether what they did was right or wrong. The narrative isn’t looking to condemn Xie Zhenhong for doing this. Xie Zhenhong is ultimately a victim of violent homophobia, that will not hide himself or his sexuality despite the violence he faces. He isn’t perfect, nor is Jiahan, nor is Birdy, nor is anyone in the film.

Although now having rewatched this scene upwards of eight times in writing this, it feels like Zhenhong didn’t assume this action to be without consent. Of course, no words were explicitly exchanged about kissing, and I’m not trying to make the case that it’s okay to kiss someone without their consent, that’s harassment. However, Zhenhong did gave Jiahan time to express his discomfort before proceeding. Zhenhong first got close to Jiahan by brushing his bangs, Jiahan did not say anything or look visibly uncomfortable. He then put his arms around Jiahan’s neck, and stared at him for a good ten seconds. At this point, Jiahan had time to say he was uncomfortable. As we know it, consent does indeed entail a verbal, understood yes from both parties. However given the context, I can understand why Zhenhong thought that Jiahan was consenting at that moment. However the moment Jiahan revoked his consent Zhenhong stopped trying to kiss him. Zhenhong shouldn’t have gone in without getting verbal consent, and Jiahan could’ve done something other than grabbing him by the throat. They were both in the wrong. Violence shouldn’t have been the reaction, nor should’ve kissing someone without their verbal consent. The lines were very blurred, and proper communication could’ve resulted in a better interaction but like I mentioned above, I don’t think the writers wanted to portray the scene in that way. The intent was not to say that Zhenhong’s actions were romantic or something to emulate. It was very purposeful in showing to interplay of homophobia, gay desire, and religion.

The scene is set up like a religious confession. Zhenhong purposefully leads Jiahan to the stained glass, a metaphor for his religious guilt. He doesn’t look Zhenhong in the eyes, his voice is hushed, and body language nervous, and troubled-- it communicates to Zhenhong that he thinks he may be gay and wants either reassurance that he isn’t or acceptance that is. Regardless, it’s a very vulnerable and intimate moment. Jiahan is facing him like ‘hey, I know my friends were bullying you and I wanted to save you but was too much of a coward and almost took part in harming you. I’m sorry. I know you saw that me and Birdy were in the same stall together, and that you saw me just telling him not to talk to the girls, and neither of those are heterosexual things to do. Please, help me.’ He’s asking Zhenhong to pass judgement on him, is he gay or not? By virtue of even asking that question, they both know the answer -- Jiahan is in love with Birdy, but whether Jiahan can accept that or not is up to him. In a way, Zhenhong is testing Jiahan to see how honest he can be with himself. By approaching him like that, he’s testing to see whether Jiahan can accept being intimate with a man or not. It’s not a good or ethical test, but it sure is effective. Because in his head, Jiahan is coming to realize that he doesn’t mind a man being close to him in a romantic way. Although, he isn’t fully there yet. He still grabs Zhenhong. But as Zhenhong stares at him despite the hand around his throat, Jiahan really has to think about his actions. Is that what he really wants to do, or is that what he’s been taught to do? It illustrates his internalized homophobia perfectly. Jiahan is literally staring gay desire in the face, rejecting it, while in front of his religion. Zhenhong finally answers Jiahan that “he has always loved boys since he was little, it’s never changed.” Upon hearing that his grip loosens and he pulls away. And the fact that we can hear him well means that Jiahan was never choking him, his hand was there, but not gripping. Zhenhong pulls him in closer and tilts his head, and says “and it never will.” Zhenhong’s words are very deliberate. It’s as if he anticipated this might happen and knew exactly what to say. He wants to carve it in Jiahan’s brain that no one chooses to be gay. They always are and no amount of denial, like the kind Jiahan is showing, will change that. He then finally lets go of Jiahan, who is speechless, he thanks him, and leaves. Jiahan, however, stays there for a second, processing everything that has happened, and breathes heavily before the scene cuts to later that day.

Finally, I would like to examine exactly what Zhenhong’s “thanks” even means. Why would Zhenhong be thanking Jiahan? On the surface, it lookslike Jiahan waited for this guy to finish eating, then asked him invasive questions about his sexuality and suggest he should get help and then almost choked him. This should count as a microagression at best and an attempted hate crime at worst. But, as I just dived into, this wasn’t a bad faith jeer by Jiahan in order to bully Zhenhong, this was a genuine cry for help made by a deeply confused teenager. I feel like the “thanks.” at the end of the scene was perhaps just as puzzling to me as when I thought about why the staff would have that scene play out like that in the first place? I think his thanks is conveying many things. Firstly, thanking him for not actually hurting him and allowing him to have a semi normal interaction with a student of the same gender. As far as we know, many, MANY different students have tried to hurt him in the new semester alone. Hell, we literally do not even know his name as everyone refers to him by the q slur or some other derogatory term, which speaks a lot to how he is treated. He also may be saying thanks for actually asking him about his sexuality. While Jiahan still followed it up with a suggestion he see a doctor, he still genuinely wanted to know why rather fully assume he has something wrong with him. Also, I feel like he might be thanking Jiahan for being brave enough to actually confront his sexualtiy and ask Zhenhong for help in the first place. Zhenhong really seems to be alone as the only gay student at the school but now knowing that Jiahan is realizing thathe’s gay as well, might make him be hopeful that things may slowly begin to change. Sadly, this interaction is the last time we see Xie Zhenhong all film which sucks because I really liked him. And I feel like it would’ve been really nice to see him after the time skip or at least have Jiahan mention him because this moment was one of the things that really made Jiahan start to accept his sexuality. A cut scene with Father Oliver also contributed, but I really wish Xie Zhenhong got more narrative than being the only out student that was then violently bullied. But, I acknowledge that MANY scenes were cut from the film for length so I can’t complain to much.

Oh god, that was a lot to say about a scene that was literally a minute and thirty seconds long. In conclusion!! I just had a lot of things to say about this scene and the scenes surrounding it. I think Jiahan is just a very painfully relatable character for many LGBT viewers and he was incredibly relatable for me which is why I felt the need to spend my day off writing this as opposed to doing homework. This scene is incredibly rich on many levels and I really appreciate YNEH as a whole for not spoonfeeding the viewer information and letting us interpret and question the scenes on our own and come to our own conclusions about the characters and yea. There’s so much going on and a lot of nuance and idk how to properly convey a lot of my thoughts but I tried really hard bc i really do love this movie. I really was puzzled by this scene at first, but now having examined it, it is my favorite scene in the movie. If this scene was changed in any way to make it more palatable, it would’ve been nearly as impactful which was a hard decision to come to, but I stand by it. I don’t know if I feel the same about other scenes but I will be reviewing YNEH as a whole in a different post. I have much more to say but my thoughts on this scene were far too long to not make it a separate post of its own. In essence, YNEH is about growing up and accepting yourself in all ways. Not all of those things are pleasant but if you cannot accept those things about yourself, you’re doomed to be miserable until you can live life unburdened by your own and societies limitations. Goodnight, my fingers hurt.

#i think im like . the only one thats ever refered to that student by name on tumblr dot com.. that ive seen #your name engraved herein #刻在你心底的名字 #chang jiahan #long post #🐌.pdf #also i rewrote and reworded this sooo many times to get it to sound the way i want fjvjdjdjs bc this movie has so much to talk abt and word #it right bc like yea.. yk... bc like... yea #its 1am... gn

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cin-dy-moon · 4 years

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If you could flesh out Tai’s personality more in a way that Fusebox couldn’t, how would you write him in the game?

I’m assuming your asking me to flesh out his personality? Or HOW I would if I were to write it in the game? I’ll do a little of both. (But honestly.... not that we’ve gotten much characterization in general so the bar is pretty low.... but I think that Tai’s characterization is not too bad. I think that I have a decent understanding of his overall ~vibe~ but not any specifics.

Tai:

Leo Sun

He really values respect. Overall, I feel like he can be pretty chill and likable, but as soon as someone comes in the insult his character or disrespects him, he’ll speak up. He is also not afraid of confronting someone right then. On the other side of that, I feel like he makes an intentional effort to earn respect as much as he feels like he deserves it. The people he does this the most obvious with is his rugby team.

He has absolutely no concept of doing things unless he’s putting in his absolute all. Once he commits to something, he does it. This includes romantic partners, hobbies, jobs, etc. Which means that in a situation with Lily, he *really* wouldn’t stray or switch. But he’s so bright and is used to getting attention, that I think that he sometimes doesn’t realize just how his actions can be perceived sometimes. I still think that Fusebox should’ve let our MCs talk to our LIs but at this point, I have no idea what else to say.

Once he decided to take up pottery, he put his heart into it. (I have this headcannon idea that he really got into the idea of kintsukuroi, which is repairing ceramics with lacquer mixed with gold and the metaphors associated with it). He also often gifts pottery to people.

On his date, he mentions his dad a LOT, but didn’t say anything about his mom. In *my* brain, I interpreted it as his mother died when he was young. Although, (tbh I don’t remember what was exactly said in the game) I think that it was implied that he wasn’t close to his mom and that maybe there was some tension there. I’m not particularly attached to one or the other, but I think that either scenario opens up the possibility that he feels a little wary of attaching himself to women who remind him of his mother (either in her positive traits or negative) because it causes him a slight fear that she might leave him too.

I feel like he’s also been spurned because he has often been told that he’s “too much” as a kid, combine that with him being big, and I think it just gave him a bigger heart towards people. Like, if someone is feeling a bit too made fun of or poked at, he’ll make sure that he takes a second to uplift them too. I think that he (if given the chance) would take on an older brother relationship with Harry.

He’s extremely “the life of the party”, walks into the room and he attracts everyone. Very Leo, very the Sun energy. This is something, that more often than not, makes people feel welcome. His gravity makes people feel grounded and at home.

He really is a natural leader, often times being the first to volunteer and the first to offer in ideas. When he’s coaching his team, he really finds the time to make sure that he’s also making room for people. His instinct however, sometimes comes at the expense of speaking over people or even taking up too much time with his own input. This happens especially in group settings where he isn’t leading the actual activity. I think that he’s the type of person who’s at least aware of this, but it’s hard to break out of that habit. Could potentially be something he’s working on in therapy??? But he is definitely trying to undo that habit.

On the other hand, he did say that he likes to “go with the flow” on things. For me, this signals that he usually steps in a “leader” role when he 1) feels like someone else isn’t being one 2) he feels like he has a certain level of expertise and authority in whatever’s happening 3) feels like people are actually expecting him to step into the role of the leader. Is his instinct always right? No. If he doesn’t care to be the leader, then he won’t be. I really think that it depends on the situation and his mood. (Which means he’s flexible in the bedroom as well)

He has confidence up the wazoo. Because of his tenacity and determination (again, puts his all into everything), he usually gets to a point where he will just excel. It’s hard for him to feel embarrassed about much.

He’s super family-oriented. That thing with his mom really connected him to his dad, and I think that he wants to be a dad as well.

I think that the structure of the season is flawed within itself. We got three episode days with no room to even breathe let alone get to know our LIs. Seriously, we go from getting ready to the challenge to going to sleep/a dumping. It also doesn’t help that they give a lot of LIs similar dialogue (which is something that usually always happens however, especially when your LI is alone with your MC). I think that, if Fusebox really had “issues” because of COVID (which I kinda got to side-eye, because how does that affect *storytelling* but I don’t wanna judge too harshly), then they really should have double-downed on making each LI vibrant and different in both dialogue and in the narration. I really think that Fusebox just really needs to prioritize story and characters more (instead of changing the art style every season bc a facade is nothing without a decent story sooooo)

#this.... was the longest.... I’m sorry lmaooo #also i have so much more to say about Tai #lmk if you disagree with anything I’ve said here! I’d love to hear ur opinions #keep sending me asks! even ones not tai-related #litg #litg tai #litg s3 #i believe in tai supremacy #love island the game #love island tai #fusebox #fusebox games #litg headcanons #love island the game s3

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lvmosity · 4 years

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my only valentine | draco malfoy [2]

pairing: draco malfoy x slytherin!reader

genre: fluff bc it’s a valentines day special ooh la la

summary: you and draco have been enemies since the start of hogwarts despite being in the same houses, but everyone knows you two secretly like each other. valentines day has arrived and you hope to receive a love confession from one boy only; your arch-enemy nevertheless. however, a minor incident occurs caused by draco and hurts you deeply. will your valentines day be rescued?

word count: 3.7k

warnings: minor swearing ?? sorry i swear a lot

a/n: final part is here! received a lot of love on my first one and that made me really happy! thank u all eeek <3 couldn’t hesitate to finish this off because i didn’t want to make u wait a long time so here it is! enjoy :-) also idk if there are errors in here even tho i proofread multiple times, so let me know if u see any !!

tags: @aus-pi-cially @biinspiration @iwritetrashimagines @juliemoney45 @a-hoe-for-vanya @slytherclawmalfoy

read part one → here

After the incident, you stayed in your dorm for the rest of the day. Professor McGonagall excused you out of classes, each visiting the Professors that you had a class with today to report that you wouldn’t be attending due to you falling ‘ill’. You mentally thanked her for that and you reminded yourself to thank her properly the next morning since you were too upset and embarrassed to walk out.

You knew that at this very moment that everyone was talking about you, you were once again the main gossiping topic. When some students had asked your classmates who were present at the incident, they simply explained the situation and one by one the information had quickly spread like wildfire.

Many girls felt bad for you, some of the girls from your house even visited you during their frees and empathised with you. After stating that you were feeling alright, they started to bad-mouth Draco by calling him all sorts and making fun of him. You’d never thought you’d hear your own housemates mockingly make fun of Draco but it was a blessing to your ears. Although, you wished for their safety as you knew his father will hear about it and order expulsion upon them.

And by most girls, you mean everyone except a few girls such as Pansy Parkinson enjoyed you feeling dejected. You weren’t the only girl who liked him of course. Since Year One, Pansy has made sure to everyone that she likes loves Draco. You could visualise the look on her face when she heard about the situation, and she probably looked the happiest she’s ever been.

Pansy also made it clear that she hates you. At first, you both didn’t have a problem with each other since you were Slytherin housemates, however, you couldn’t hold back your slight annoyance with her once she showed attitude. But at the start of Year 4, she turned hostile towards you. Apparently, she sees you as a threat and you’d soon ruin her ‘plans’, whatever they were.

Your friends came by during dinner to give the gifts you left in class since you ran out without grabbing them. They each gave you a consoling hug, several uplifting words to cheer you up as well as desserts from the meal they were serving as a Valentines Day special. It did manage to bring your mood up which was a good thing as you were able to focus on something else.

However, the second you lay eyes on the gifts that laid on your bedside counter, you’d instantly be reminded about the incident turning your mood sour. You couldn’t help but tear up which escalates into a crying session. You’ve possibly had around five sessions since then and now it’s six because you just looked at it again.

It really hurt you. His words struck thorns in your heart, he really didn’t have feelings for you at all. You cursed at yourself for thinking he’d have a slight interest in you all this time but now you realised you were wrong; he has always hated you. He despised you. From the very start lasting to the very end.

What does this mean to you from now on? Obviously, it means your crush on Draco should be completely destroyed. No, it needs to be. You’d be a fool to continue liking Draco after that, he literally declared his hatred for you and he had an audience to hear it loud and clear. He’ll never see you anything more than an enemy. He only saw you as a despicable, loathsome, grotesque looking, ugly--

“Ugh, I’m such an idiot!” you cried out with despair and flipped the bed covers over your head.

You forced your eyes shut and tried to shut any thoughts of Draco but images of him kept coming back. It was hopeless. You were never going to get over him.

Time goes by and you watched the sky turn from grey to black indicating that it was night-time. It was time for everyone to head back to their dorms since classes had finished for the day. One by one you watch your roommates, as well as your friends, stumble into the room and hop into bed falling fast asleep minutes later.

You lie in bed, tossing back and forth multiple times unable to get in a comfortable position. It had been a while since everyone had fallen asleep, snores filled the room as well as the ticking of the clock. You concluded that you weren’t going to fall asleep any time soon as you weren’t tired despite feeling the heaviness on your eyelids.

Taking a quick glance at the clock, you saw that it was only beginning to hit 11PM. Sighing, you step out of bed, slipping your slippers on as you walk outside. You knew no one would be awake at this time judging by how late it was thus spending a bit of time sitting in front of the fireplace in the Slytherin Common Room would be a good way to fall asleep quicker and clear your thoughts.

You step into the Common Room and just as you thought; not one person was awake. The fireplace was still lit and burning strongly along with the violent crackling of the fire. The lamps had been switched off leaving the fireplace and the light from the windows to be the only source of light. It was awfully eerie without anyone else in the room but it didn’t bother you as much because you were used to it, it was located in the dungeons of course.

As you made your way downstairs, you were starting to feel the heat radiating from the fire inch by inch. You shuddered at the warmth wafting your face once you stood in front of the fireplace. Sitting yourself down on the carpet, you cross your legs and lifted your hands up to warm them up.

You give a long sigh, relaxing your shoulders and the muscles in your body. For a couple of minutes, you had stayed like this, welcoming the warmth that surrounded you and you felt at peace. You were able to clear your thoughts out to the point you felt like you had moved on from that horrific incident.

“Oh, you’re still up.”

You quickly look behind to see Draco leaning over the balcony, gazing at you. How long has he been standing there for? Why was he still wide awake at this time? More importantly, what the hell do you do now?

Your eyes widen out of shock, instantly turning back and stare at the fireplace and start to fidget with your hands. You could hear him walk down the steps, your heart is starting to beat fast. His footsteps are coming closer. Your mind was racing as you frantically look around. Should you try and run away so you wouldn’t have to face him? Do you stay sitting down and wait for him? Maybe If you thought of a good excuse, you can walk back to the dorm without any awkwardness. Or you can just run away right now and he wouldn’t even have the chance to say something--

Draco clears his throat as he calmly sits himself down next to you. Legs crossed, he also warms his hands up neither saying a word or glancing at you.

You didn’t want to peek at him but you could tell out of the corner of your eye that he doesn’t seem to have a scowl or an irritated look despite being next to you. Instead, he supports a blank face. It was difficult to guess how he’s feeling right now.

Focusing back on the fireplace, you both sit there in silence, both not having the confidence to speak a single word. It stays like that for a while, listening to the crackling of the fire, hearing his and your quiet breathing, your heartbeat gradually ringing loud in your ears. You were starting to feel uncomfortable with the awkward atmosphere. You weren’t sure if Draco was feeling the same, you were too nervous to check his face.

“Can’t sleep?”

Draco breaks the silence. Finally encouraging yourself to look at him, you wait for him to turn to you and wait for your reply but he doesn’t. His eyes still fixated on the fire in front. You sigh internally.

“Y-yeah...” Your words wavering at the end. You slowly uncross your legs before bending and pressing them against your chest. You cross your arms and place them on top of your knees, propping your chin on top afterwards.

Great. Draco now knows you’re basically shitting your pants right now. That made you even more nervous. He’s probably making fun of you right now in his head.

“Just wanted to clear my mind and it’s working out fairly good.” You try to laugh your nervousness off in hopes that Draco would ignore your slight tremor from before.

"Your brain must feel as good as new,” Draco said causing you to look at him again, “seeing that you’ve never used it in your whole life.”

You frown at him before rolling your eyes.

“You know, I’ve been trying to see things from your point of view but I can’t get my head that far up my arse.”

You snap back at Draco, waiting for him to give you his iconic nasty look and throw an insult back but to your surprise, he doesn’t. Draco sits there in silence again, he still hasn’t bothered trying to look at you. You were starting to debate whether he was only here to argue or have a normal chat for once or maybe even apologise.

But this was Draco Malfoy you were talking about. He would never in a million years apologise to someone unless they were his father or that he really meant it or if he knew he was in the wrong.

Maybe you should just go and leave him alone, you really weren’t in the mood to argue with him as well as be in the same room as him. Especially after what he said. This will possibly be the last time you exchange words with him, you figured it would be best to stray clear of Draco, ignoring any snide comments he makes and pretend he didn’t exist. It’ll be tough alright but you knew you had to do it.

You sigh once more and stand up, giving Draco one last look. “If you’re only here to tease me then It’s useless to even share the same air with you right now,” He’s still not turning to face you. You didn’t know why you continued standing there as if you’re expecting anything to happen. “so goodbye Malfoy. Nice knowing you by the way.”

You turn on your heels and swiftly walk away, each stepping closer to the stairs. You didn’t dare try to look back, it would only hold you back thus you kept your eyes in front.

“I’m sorry.”

You froze, standing in your spot motionless. Did he just apologise? There’s no way you heard that correctly, no, it’s your mind playing tricks on you convincing you to turn around and accompany him. Just keep walking, Draco didn’t say it.

“I’m sorry.” Apologising again.

You slowly turn around and see that Draco had finally faced you, his eyes bore into yours. Your mouth slightly gaped open as if to speak but no sound could be made. You felt weak under the stares of Draco, you could feel your legs starting to wobble.

“I, uh, didn’t mean what I said before... y’know... me calling you ugly,” Draco bites his bottom lips feeling slightly embarrassed now that he’s facing you. Bowing his head, he continues rambling on, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. It was a mistake, it came out so suddenly--”

“Thank you Draco.”

Draco’s head shoots up, his eyes wide open. He had heard his name come out of your mouth, and it was his first name instead of the usual ‘Malfoy’.

“What?”

“I said thank you Draco.”

A blush crept along his cheeks as he quickly turns his head to the side in an attempt to conceal it. However, he knew it failed as you give a quiet giggle. You found it amusing to see Draco react in a way after hearing his name being said, especially since it was from you.

“For what?”

“You finally apologised to me... and you actually meant it this time without being sarcastic.”

Draco smiles sheepishly, scratching the side of his head with his head still turned away. He couldn’t meet the eyes of yours, he felt too ashamed at the fact that he couldn’t get the blush on his face to fade anytime soon. He gives a short nod as if to acknowledge your thanks causing you to smile in return.

Once again, the silence returns as both of you stand in front of each other, you looking down at your feet fidgeting whilst Draco did the same. Your throat started to dry up as you were too nervous to swallow, the atmosphere became awfully awkward.

“I don’t think you’re ugly by the way,” Draco suddenly said, “you’re the opposite actually.”

Raising your eyebrows, you question him, “Like what? I’m somewhat decent is what you’re trying to say.”

Draco immediately shakes his head.

“Then what?” You were starting to become impatient.

“You’re just not ugly okay? I can’t explain it.”

“Oh so I’m like above ugly but below average looking, maybe those are the words you’re looking for--”

“For Merlin’s sake, you’re pretty goddamn it!”

You instantly shut up, looking at him directly with your mouth slightly gaped open. Draco gives out a long sigh, calming himself down. He had almost shouted it out loud to wake anyone up.

“You’re not ugly, you’re pretty,” Draco said with a much quieter, soft tone. “Really fucking pretty. You were never ugly in my eyes, from the moment I met you up until now, I still find you pretty.”

He steps closer to you, closing in the gap between the both of you before stopping to have only a few metres left. He was practically an arm's length away, close enough for him to hear your heart beating frantically, as well as the heat radiating from you. Draco noticed how you were blushing like mad, after all, this was the closest you guys have ever been.

“I like you Y/N.”

And in the blink of an eye, he steps in further and grabs your chin to lift it upwards before he kisses you. Impulsively, you kiss back as you close your eyes, your lips moving in sync with his. His lips were slightly chapped but it had softened in time as it felt incredibly plumpy against your very own.

His hands gently move to the side of your face, his thumb lightly brushing your cheek. You squirm under his touch but your lips were still laced together, you swore you felt Draco subtly bite your bottom lip indicating that he was enjoying this. And so did you.

After what seemed like forever, Draco pulls apart and drops his hand. Still blushing furiously, you delicately touch your lips. Did you guys really just kiss?

Draco steps back and chuckles, “Sorry, couldn’t help myself.”

“I like you too.” You randomly blurt out causing Draco to laugh again.

“I know.”

“You knew?”

“I’m not an idiot. You made it quite obvious with your stares and flirting that it wasn’t hard to notice Y/N.” He rolls his eyes.

“Ah...” You said, tucking a bit of your hair behind your ear. “Whoops.”

You open your mouth to speak again. “I feel sorry for the guy who gave me those Valentines gifts.” Draco listens to you curiously, “I can’t imagine the look on his face when he finds out his crush has been kissed by another guy.”

He stares at you in disbelief. “Are you daft?”

“What?” You said, confused.

“I sent you those.”

“As if. The Draco Malfoy sent me Valentines gifts?” You try to suppress your laughter since you found it amusing.

Draco shoots you an offended look, “Yeah well, it’s not like I wanted to in the first place. Mother insisted that I man up and woo a girl so I don’t live my life as an old man that’s on the verge of dying as a loner.”

“Whatever you say Malfoy.” Giggling at his poor excuse.

He tuts before he leans back on the couch, crossing his arms, he lifts his head to look at you. He tilts his head to the side and smirks causing you to raise your eyebrows.

“So, does this mean we’re a thing now?”

“No.”

“What? But I just made out with you.”

You turn red at his statement. “You don’t just automatically assume a couple gets together after kissing.” You explained.

“Then do I have to do something more other than a kiss?” He winks suggestively. You scrunch your face in disgust.

“No, you dimwit, you have to ask them out first in the traditional way.”

Draco lets out an ‘ahh’ and nods slowly. He uncrosses his arms and stands up, still leaning on the couch. “Then will you be my girlfriend?”

You let out a disappointed whine, “Seriously Malfoy, I can’t tell if you’re doing this to be funny or what--”

“No,” Draco stands up and walks closer to you, his hand lifts to grasps yours, taking you by surprise. “I’m serious. I’d like to be your boyfriend Y/N.”

He softly brushes his thumb up and down your fingers, waiting patiently for your answer. He locks eyes with you making your heart flutter. Your mouth kept opening and closing, unable to get a word out. You didn’t know how to respond to his bold question.

It had only been an hour since you had concluded it was best to discard your crush on Draco and move on with your life. It had only been a few hours since you and several other Slytherin girls were having the time of your lives, badmouthing him. It had been hours since Draco had completely crushed your heart with his hurtful comments. These were enough reasons for you to reject Draco on the spot.

But not enough for it to convince your heart otherwise. No, your heart was telling you to forgive Draco and accept him.

You finally pull out of your thoughts and look at him. Draco looks at you with anticipation and starts overthinking. He wishes that you would answer him anytime now otherwise, he’ll feel humiliated knowing he got rejected. But that quickly disappears when he sees you give a small smile.

“Okay.”

Draco’s mouth forms into a grin, his heart leaping with joy. Oh, how he looked so cute.

“But what about Pansy?”

“What about her?”

“You do know that she’s always had this massive crush on you, right?”

Draco shrugs. “So what?”

You look at him dumbfounded. “I thought you two had a thing for each other.”

“You’re joking?” You shake your head. Draco sighs, “I’ve never liked Pansy, she gets on my nerves.”

“She’s been going around saying she was your Valentines, even showed a box of chocolates with your name on it but everyone could recognise her scruffy handwriting anywhere.” You revealed making Draco snortle.

“Ha! She wishes she was. What a freak.”

You nod trying to believe his words but you still had doubts. Draco notices your troubled look and intertwines his fingers with yours. “Besides,” he starts off. You gaze at him as he gazes back with a smile. “you’re my only valentine.”

Thus with that, he plants a kiss on your cheek making you genuinely smile at him.

●●●

“Ah, looks like Y/L/N finally stopped being emo and joined us back in class.” Mocked Pansy once she stepped inside Potions Class.

Her eyes lie on the back of your head as she struts over to your desk. You lazily sit back on your chair as you watch Pansy sit on the edge of the table.

“Welcome back,” She said with a sarcastic smile. “had an amazing time with your Valentines date?”

You respond by looking at her with a sinister smile. “Oh, you bet. ”

Pansy gives you a weird look before the door slams open and all heads turn to see the source of the loud sound. Draco walks in, his two other goons following behind. Ignoring the eyes of his classmates, he starts making his way to his desk.

You immediately stand up and march over to Draco. Your classmates start to whisper and watch you, thinking you were going to confront Draco and punch him for being an asshole.

Draco stops in his tracks once he saw you were walking towards him, and before he knew it, you grab the sides of his face and kiss him.

Everyone in the room shouts out of shock. They couldn’t believe the scene happening in front of them. One of your classmates, Seamus, makes a catcall causing a few of the boys to laugh. Draco’s goons, on the other hand, looked bewildered seeing him fraternising with the enemy. He definitely had some explaining to do.

The girls looked either jealous or happy. Your friends looked at each other with excited smiles, whilst Hermione just rolled her eyes at the view but aggressively elbowed Ron in his sides after he pulled a disgusted look.

You pull away making Draco look at you confusingly, still taking in what had happened.

You shoot a cheeky smile at Pansy over your shoulder, “I had an amazing time.” Pansy angrily glares at you before pushing past you and storms out of the room.

“Everyone’s going to assume we’re a thing now after you kissed me.” He teased as you looked back at him.

“Well, weren’t we always?” You wink at him and turn around, walking back to your desk leaving Draco stunned.

Draco grins to himself, “Touché.”

Both of you knew you two were going to be in the centre of attention again, the main topic to gossip about except this was going to be something new to you both. However, instead of hearing the common ‘Draco and Y/N are fighting again’, it’d turn to ‘Draco and Y/N are having a love quarrel again.’ And that made you excited.

Maybe Valentines Day isn’t a bad event after all.

#draco #draco malfoy #draco x reader #draco x you #draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy imagines #draco imagine #draco scenario #draco malfoy oneshot #draco malfoy scenario #harry potter #harry potter oneshot #slytherin

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nightwideeyes · 3 years

Text

2020 review

do we really wanna do this? I’m not sure but god knows I need it.

shout out to 2016 me for starting this. I’ll compare it afterwards and see how many steps I’ve taken back

okay okay all jokes aside

all the bad shit that happened, all my thoughts, all my feelings

this is 2020 in retrospect, so buckle up and join me on the ride

see, I was pretty hopeful for this year because I spent half of 2019 in a toxic relationship which I deeply and passionately regret with all my heart because it took a toll on my mental health. The rest of 2019 I spent recovering from self hate and anxiety

so I went into 2020 with a fresh start fever thinking this is the year that will change things

but the anxiety didn’t really leave. throughout january i was rather okay, euphoric about the new year. at the end of february my anxiety got worse and i was overthinking a lot, started being tense a lot etc etc

then march the absolute avalanche introduced herself. miss rona. i don’t want to whine about how shit the pandemic is, how terrible it hit us all because it certainly hit people a lot harder than me but still, it’s not nice, its annoying and frustrating and can mess with someones head enough

so during march and april my anxiety was on peak levels. i was constantly mad, upset or nervous and had to spent my time in homeschool, having no distraction whatsoever

i spent a lot of time outside in the forest and discovered new magical places where I could find some peace and thats where I’ve been hiding away during may, becoming part of nature, finding back to my old self somehow

on my birthday the 11th I was feeling well, I was content and happy and thought shit would be alright again

but the day after I came home from school and received the message that my fathers cancer was back after 10 years. although I’ve pretended like it wasn’t all hopeless and things would be alright again I think it hit me the hardest this year. it’s been the starting point of me confronting myself once again with the thought of him dying, of leaving us behind, of me having all the responsibility of what he would leave us. of going through the struggle again, of going to hospitals again, of seeing him vanish again. it was devastating.

in may I attended an assessment center for a job I wanted to do with all my heart and felt so confident and strong that I could do it

but in june I received a letter of rejection and had to write myself in for another year of school because i didn’t really have an alternative

meanwhile my dads treatment got rescheduled again and again until june and he had his operation on the day I wrote my second final

so unknowingly and unnoticeably i was put under so much pressure of one unfortunate event following the next and it felt like I was just supposed to function when I didn’t want to function anymore

but these times ended and I wrote my fucking finals, passed them, celebrated a bit and my father recovered too, like we all had hoped anyway but didn’t know for sure

so summer had been the best time. although there were still restrictions on public life me and my friends had so much fun together and did amazing things and I think we just grew closer from the creativity of coming with ways to spent time with each other without having to go out much

i was doing a lot of yoga, a lot of mental self care during summer, watching atla, spending time trying to get in touch with my body and soul and I discovered some good music that helped me find myself and develop myself

at this point I would like to thank

5 seconds of summer; for making me realize that deep in my heart I will forever be teenage me stuck in my emo phase and that’s how I feel most comfortable

Upsahl; for reminding me that I’m a bad bitch who doesn’t need anyone or anything to be happy with herself

Yungblud, for reminding me its okay not to be okay and that broken people stand up for themselves and are strong together

and Blackpink, mostly for giving me more reasons to simp for cute girls

in august i was working for two weeks at a factory to earn some money and although I’ve been there before this time it’s just been hard. I felt really stupid and not taken seriously by the staff and I think that’s when I was getting anxious again, feeling very stupid and very unable to do anything right

from the anxiety starting in august it went into september with me. I started a new school year, gave this weird boy a ride to school two times before I scared him off for some reason (maybe because I was giving him badass lesbian vibes as I was playing Use Me by PVRIS in my car constantly) and was quarantined on the second day of school bc of our english teacher

in september my dad was submitted into the hospital a second time and we thought he had gotten worse again but this time it was a result of too much mental pressure. i was stressing into that again, thinking of ways I could help him with his responsibilities and worries.

the rest of september I spent in this weird state of perpetual tension and kind of continued it into october

on the fourth of october I went to Lehesten all by myself and I felt so proud and accomplished and I realized that I don’t need anyone to feel better but myself. so I went on some more field trips in october, enjoying some me time and some peace of mind, getting back into the bands I was listening to as a teen, recalling the times I felt free with myself

in november I was living off post human survival horror and felt so careless yet free of all of my worries, feeling numb but content

so until december there have been pecks of anxiety here and there but I’ve spent the fall months rather well, mentally

now december started well but the anxiety has increased again and now it’s been on moderate levels

but nonetheless I’m getting through day by day and I hope I will reach the state of carelessness again in order to collect my thoughts

so although 2020 has been a year of disappointment, hurt, fear and way too many thoughts and worries I would like to move onto the point of this list which might help me move on further

2020 positivity

a collection of things I've learned, I am grateful for and what I've experienced and done all year which I am proud of

- I've been more open and confident about my sexuality than ever before

- I've been spending so much time outside getting inspired

- I've been creative

- I've been writing the most honest and uplifting poetry ever since I started

- I've self printed and binded a poetry collection of my past and the sorrows that came with it to help overcome it

- I've started drawing again, started yoga and meditation and enhanced my spirituality, I've picked up the guitar again

- I've graduated 12th grade with an average of 1.6

- I've started 13th grade with crippling fear of failing and got used to it after a month and appreciated the challenge

- I've dealt with a big disappointment and learned that when one door closes a new one opens somewhere else

- I've learned what it means to support each other as a family but also when it's time to step back and distance yourself to protect yourself when you can't help anymore

- I've been getting in touch with the most free and careless version of myself

- I've rediscovered my love for old music I used to listen to

- I've learned that I don't need anyone to do what makes me happy

- I've learned to appreciate my friends more than ever for being my light and support

so although this year was full of disappointment and hurt and fear and worries it helped me grow

throughout this year I have been the bravest, strongest, most honest and authentic version of myself

I do not have any hopes for 2021. I just want to continue growing the roots I have dug for myself now. I want to continue blooming into the person I've strived to become all these years

I want to grow and continue blooming. I want to continue becoming the version of myself that makes me feel content about myself. But I also want to know I am valuable and whole at any time.

I want to overcome this anxiety and I want to be free of fear again.

so this is me manifesting it.

I will grow and I will continue blooming. I will continue becoming the version of myself that makes me feel content about myself. I am valuable and whole at any time. And I will overcome this anxiety and I will be free of fear again. I will not be afraid anymore. I will be clear again.

Ich werde keine Angst mehr haben, ich werde wieder klar sein.

#personal #2020 review #2020 positivity #growth #i guess

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quell-tea-salon · 6 years

Text

THE IDOLM@STER SideM 3rdLIVE TOUR report - Makuhari Day 2

The group lineup for Day 2: Dramatic Stars, S.E.M, Cafe Parade, Altessimo, and Legenders. (See set list here.)

Suffice to say, this DraSta/SEM/LegeP died and went to heaven. I had an AltessimoP sitting to my left and a SEM-P on the other side; we pretty much took turns dying throughout the 3.5-hour concert LOL. Also today I had a much better seat compared to yesterday’s live-viewing, which allowed me to appreciate the show even more!! For starters, I could actually see the whole screen this time....

Karino Sho was the MC for today; he gave his signature “SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO desu” greeting, and told us that the concept for today’s performances was “Show!” ....Then proceeded to make a pun of it with his name wwww

With all the groups present on stage, the first song was Reason!!, followed by Cafe’s Reversed Masquerade. Lege took the stage for Symphonic Brave, then it was Alte’s turn for Tone’s Destiny. So far all songs that were in yesterday’s set list.

AND THEN

MY DREAMS CAME TRUE

I GOT TO HEAR SEM SING SAYONARA SUMMER HOLIDAY!!!!! SEM! SUMMER! HOLIDAY!!!! HOLY SHIT DEM HIP THRUSTS UGH SENSEI NOT IN FRONT OF YOUR STUDENTS!!! Yoshiki was downright OBSCENE enokiya's singing was shaky as usual and Totto’s dancing is still stiff (so endearing ;w;) but honestly it didn't matter bc IT'S SEMMMMM

And without giving us time to recover DRASTA BURST ONTO THE STAGE FOR MOON NIGHT NO SEI NI SHITE AND I SCREAMED SO LOUD SKSHAKSHSJDBNAJDHSKDJDN THEY GAVE US THE SLY LOOKS AND BEDROOM EYES AND NAUGHTY WINKS AND LIP-LICKING AND "OIDE ♥" IT WAS HORRIBLE I DIED ABOUT 50000 TIMES you could tell they were having the time of their lives performing it too T_T My throat pretty much died since I was making dying whale sounds the entire time lol i tried not to use my voice after that but the set list continued to be amazing so I couldn’t stop myself from screaming cheering and joining in the song calls.....

After allowing us a short break by way of talk time, part 2 kicked off with Kamiya’s solo A Cup of Happiness! His dance routine included the use of a sparkly pink cane >< So cute and stylish....... Halfway through the song Legenders’ Amehiko and Chris joined him on stage with their own white canes and i freaked out omggggggggg this three make such a handsome picture T_T God, Chris’ long legs and fashion model proportions.,.....

The rest of Cafe Parade joined Kamiya on stage for Cafe Parade! (my fav song of theirs!), and after that was Rei-chan’s solo Echoes My Note, and Alte’s first single The 1st Movement. The AlteP next to me was whimpering the entire time ;w;

I lost my shit again when Lege hopped on stage for String of Fate....... I’ve wanted to watch this R18 performance since forever........ Amehiko’s voice is so smooth and gorgeous and deadly, it’s almost hilarious that his seiyuu Kasama-san is a total gentleman who loves cats and has the temperament of a marshmallow T_T However the strongest singer was probably Fuumin, he hit all the notes consistently (and looked beautiful from every angle gdi).

After another talk break, part 3 began with SEM's Infinite Possibilities!!!! Another classic hit from SideM...... Every time Totto unleashed his magnificent vibrato at "koeTEEEEEEE" we'd burst into cheers!!! They used the pink laser guns in the choreography too, so cute ><

Next was Alte’s Never End Opus....... The famed performance that reduces everyone to tears......... My AlteP buddy was sobbing and even I felt my eyes prickle........ Such a beautiful, heart-wrenching song T_____T

Dramatic Nonfiction!!!! This is my 2nd fav song from DraSta after Moon Night and i know i keep repeating myself, but i’m SO happy that i got to hear them perform this live T_______T It’s uncharacteristically moody for DraSta, the dance choreograph is sexy af and IN THE SECOND VERSE THEY HAD A CAMERAMAN WITH THEM ON STAGE AND THEY UNLEASHED /MAXIMUM/ FANSERVICE AT THE CAMERA DURING THEIR SOLO LINES UGHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE DRASTA, JUST KILL ME (THEY KILLED ME) At that moment I was actually grateful to be at a live-viewing instead of the venue 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

Then Cafe Parade hopped on board the the rail trolleys for A La Carte Freedom, throwing rubber balls at the audience like HiJo yesterday. Later they apologised for throwing too hard and hoped that they didn’t hurt anyone wwwwwwwwwww

Another talk break, then Legenders kicked off part 4 with Legacy of Spirit. LegeP represent!!!

Next was Maitaru’s solo This Is It. Singing’s definitely not one of Enokiya’s strong points, but he’s cute and rly fun to watch, even more so when you know what he’s like irl and thus how seriously he takes his work wwwwwww Teru and Saki-chan jumped in as backup dancers, they were both so sexy and cute (srsly Saki-chan was KILLING IT) and i hate Teru for winking at the camera ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; I love watching Shugon dance, he has so much energy in his movements!!!! Truly a Physical idol <333

The next song began with a minute of taiko drums and we were like “Oh???? Who’s this????? Could it be....???” Then SEM appeared on stage in ouendan outfits and we SCREAMED!!!!!! They recited the senseis’ lines cheering on the students from that scene in ep5 and even did the VICTORY! group pose IT WAS SO GOOD T_____T They shed the ouendan gakuran coats for the song (From Teacher to Future!) though haha. During yesterday’s performance Jirou just kinda collapsed onto the stairs in a fit of exhaustion... Today Hazama-sensei sat on the stairs with his face in his hands ;w; Sensei ganbareeeee

DraSta returned to the stage for Arrive To Star. Tbh it’s probably my least fav out of their songs, along the lines of Starlight Celebrate, which i also wasn’t too fond of until recently (it grew on me). But i do know how important this song is for them as a team, and i’m always grateful for DraSta live performances... IMO they truly are one of the strongest teams in SideM vocally, even if Taku doesn’t always do well live.

DraSta remained on stage and SEM joined them to perform a DraSEM version of Ryuusei Parade!!!!! Nothing beats the original DraSEMJupi version (which we got to hear yesterday!) but i love this song to bits and i love DraSEM, plus it’s highly unlikely that we’ll get to hear this rendition anywhere else, so this was truly a performance to remember *____*

Eternal Phantasia!!!!!! I was hoping that they’d perform this today as it wasn’t in yesterday’s set list T______T This majestic, uplifting song was the perfect lead in to the ending sequence - BeyoDori, followed by encore (they changed into 3rdLive coloured T-shirts for this) songs Glorious Ro@d and the SideM staple Drive A Live :D

As the cast made their final exit from the stage, almost everyone made cute poses at the camera.... DraSta were the last group to leave and those ASSHOLES did a SYNCHRONISED BLOW-KISS at us sahjgfdlDGHLsdfghlfSD I WRECKED MY THROAT FROM SCREAMING AND ALMOST CRIED FROM SHOCK, THANKS A LOT!!!!!!!!!

Other stuff:

Totto is an amazing singer and is always in stoic Hazama-sensei mode during performances, but when he talks his endearing awkward side comes out ;w; Usually Enokiya teases him about it and Yoshiki runs damage control, but today Yoshiki just stood back and Totto complained that recently Yoshiki's been giving him the cold shoulder wwww

Speaking of Enokiya, every time it was his turn to talk he’d break character and yell “LET’S PAAAAAAARTTTTYYYYYYYYYYY” (or smth like that) wwwwwwww The first time he did it Yoshiki’s like “who ARE you???” and Enokiya goes “Well it’s hard on me when i have to follow Totto’s awkward talk time” and Yoshiki retorts with “You just made it hard for me too” LOL

When Cafe Parade said that they’d like to see SEM have their turn on the trolleys, SEM asked if they could throw balls as well, and someone suggested that they throw chalk instead since they’re teachers wwwwww Yoshiki tried to shut down the conversation, saying that he has never met a teacher that actually throws chalk at students, but both Totto and Enokiya raised their hands wwwwwwwwwwww

Since yesterday each and every one of Kasama-san’s messages were heart-meltingly lovely and sincere, and today was no different..... In his farewell message he borrowed lines from Amehiko’s marriage proposal from the mobage event, making everyone squeal/sigh... Kasama-san.....

Ama-chan gave us a very sweet message which almost sounded like a marriage proposal “Please stay by my (our) side forever” so Makonyan imitated Ume’s wedding-proposal-on-one-knee pose from yesterday, and Maria mimed biting his glove wwwww

Fu-kun (Shirou) tweeted: “Yesterday Beit proposed to me, but today I was swept away by DraSta” L O L add SEM’s SSH to that and you have: marriage proposal from Beit -> breakup with SEM -> elope with DraSta

Taso shared that due to individual busy schedules DraSta actually couldn’t meet up for rehearsals, so the first time they managed to rehearse as a group was on the day itself of Makuhari Day 1 (yesterday). Taku joked that he was relieved to see Taso still alive www

It’s no surprise that all three members of DraSta are pretty handsy people (they touch each other a lot so you can tell that they’re really close friends ;w;) but today i noticed that Taso always had a hand on Shugon’s shoulder or back whenever Shugon was speaking ;___; cuteee

During his farewell message Taso said that DraSta’s bond as a team had become even stronger while performing together in the concert, and he believes that Kaoru feels the same about Teru and Tsubasa. Shugon, with the biggest grin on his face, put his arm around Taso’s shoulder and pulled him close, going “Aw, you!”, and Taku chipped in with his Tsubasa voice “Kaoru-san, are you feeling shy ^^?” Taso immediately switched into Kaoru mode and retorted “Shut up, it’s your turn to speak! ///” *UGLY CRYING*

Taku seemed to be in good spirits and didn’t appear to have any injuries, but while the camera was zoomed in on him for his farewell speech i noticed that his thumb was bandaged and his microphone had a handle attached to it. I didn’t notice this yesterday, but then again I could only see half the screen from my first-row seat. If my guess is correct, he probably injured his thumb in yesterday’s accident, and the handle was added to the mic to help with his grip. I’m relieved that he wasn’t seriously hurt T_T Rest well, Taku-chan ><

The next concert will be held two weeks later in Miyagi! I’m attending the LV for day 2. In the meantime, I’ll focus on letting my dead throat recover, so I can kill it all over again in two weeks ^^

#idolm@ster sidem #SideM #dramatic stars #S.E.M #Altessimo #Cafe Parade #Legenders #event report #nakamura shugo.#enoki junya #uchida yuuma #yashiro taku #itou kento #nakajima yoshiki

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peachingboy · 7 years

Text

bnha l/n chap 6 final translations

After the feast Part 2

[part 1]

Iida checked his surrounding, no one should have woken up but he checked again just to make sure he proceeds, slowly towards Mineta’s head for a second time. That weird oval shape thing, there’s no doubt that it’s his glasses case! When on earth did it get stuck to Mineta’s mogimogi balls.

(This is bad)

Although he was happy to have found his glasses case, Iida was still concerned, folding his arm in worry. When anything sticks to the mogimogi balls, you won’t get it to budge for the whole day. He stopped talking about ideas where he’d had to pluck the anything from his head, as he wants to avoid doing anything that’d wake him up, however he can’t just leave him like this all night!

(So then, I must try and take out my glasses atleast!) thought Iida as he bent into a position facing Mineta’s head.

He managed to open the case that was stuck to his head and was about to retrieve the glasses that were sitting inside, thankfully the opening to the case was the side that wasn’t stuck!

Iida carefully guided his finger back in, however Mineta began to stir slightly in his sleep.

“There’s boobs in this store! Didn’t I say bring them all out...”

“What are you going on about Mineta-kun? Aren’t breasts part of the body, you can’t just bring them out on its own. A shop that has only breasts, what kind of dream are you having? That’s impossible.” said Iida.

Suddenly he notices he was unable to retract his finger, did his finger get stuck in his glasses case?! Moreover for him to pull it out, he’d end up waking up Mineta, furthermore he still needs to go to the toilet, eat his late night meal and any other various errands he must face.

Iida hesitated for a moment, for now, he needs to figure out how to get to the toilet, however, he had to think calmly, opening the glasses case was already enough work as it was.

(I see, I just have to open it)

Iida steadied himself, and took in a deep breath, he just needs to get another finger in to open the case but it felt like he was disarming a bomb.

His finger shaking, just a little more, a little more and he would have made it to the glasses case, however....

“....That’s why I said, bring me all the boobs! All the boobs in the world, they belong to me!” Mineta’s sudden sleep talk clearly shocked Iida, which caused him to unintentionally jerk back, while the maki wrapped Mineta carried on grumbling in his sleep as he began to roll about.

“Oi! You can’t escape, those are my boobs!”

It seems like he’s chasing the boobs around in his dream.

“Ah! Wait!”

Iida ended up chasing around Mineta too, however Mineta was really nimble rolling through two rows of futons, however, there was still Kirishima, but Mineta chasing boobs, he could never be stopped!

“It’s dangerous! ah!”

Mineta collided with Kirishima, and at that moment, his glasses case flung opened and his glasses flew out! In the darkness, he was able to see the gleaming of his glasses falling like a meteor as it flew right over his head.

Iida was in despair, if it fell from that height it’ll probably break, more than anything it is to avoid having it fall on anyone, if it fell on a bad place someone would end up getting hurt. Please just fall on a futon, Iida prayed while chasing his falling his glasses.

Iida still made a conscious effort avoiding the use of his quirk; Engine dash in a bid to not wake up the guys. But in that moment, his glasses made a landing... and the person who was under the receiving end of it was no other than Tokoyami.

“Tokoyami ku-” Iida said as he watches it land, in the air the arms of the glasses opened as if spreading its wing, fluttering about, rotating in the night as it fell ----suchaaaaa (t/n im guessing this was some kinda sound)

“.................!!”

A miracle had just taken place right in front of Iida’s eyes as he stared in astonishment, as it landed perfectly onto Tokoyami’s face as if he were wearing them.

“phew...”

It’s a miracle, how something so reckless happened with no one waking up, after witnessing such a miracle Iida thought how this would be such a good story to share with everyone, however it was just wishful thinking, to bring forth such a tiny miracle while protecting his glasses made him a hindrance to his friends sleep, this isn’t the job of a class president. Besides right now, he needs to head off tot he toilet first, Iida was still mildly disappointed, as he gently removed his glasses from Tokoyami.

As he prepared to sneak out of the room, before leaving Iida made it his job to check over everyone once again before hurrying to the toilet.

-x-

“Phew...”

A refreshed feeling Iida was now making his way back to the boys room, ready to go back to bed, when he suddenly stops as he hears a small sound, it was the sound of chatter which caught his ears.

Iida was intrigued by the sound as he began to trace it, walking down the dark corridor. After a while, there was a door with some light peering through with the word office written on it.

“But this year’s first years are really interesting aren’t they?” The voice of Mandalady could be heard from the inside, so this was the chattering he heard from earlier. Iida turned his head to the sound, in his heart he was thankful and gave a bow to express his gratitude for such a kind compliment. Iida was about to turn on his heel, as he shouldn’t take too long returning back to his position, when he suddenly hears another voice.

“I apologise for bothering you..”

(Aizawa sensei?)

Iida stopped at the rugged, dreary sounding voice of their homeroom teacher, the wager between both class A and B, the issue with Mineta was utmost very troublesome. That was probably what Aizawa was apologising for.

(If I only did a better job as class president...)

Iida obviously disappointed in himself, bit down on his lip. He should have monitored Mineta’s behaviour properly, he even participated in the wager.

(Sensei is apologising by himself, I, too as class president must apologise!)

Iida was determined to amend their ways, when the sudden voice of Pixie Bob could be heard.

“It’s fine! They’re high school kids after all, it’s normal for them to screw about.”

“But..” The voice of blood king was also present.

“Those kids went overboard, obtaining their provisional license isn’t going to be a walk in the park, they also have their test of courage too, is it really okay for them to screw about like this?”

“Take it easy.. like I said, they’re students, it’s not like they screw about all the time. The curriculum at the hero department, it must be jam packed everyday right?”

Iida could only swallow down his saliva at the exchange of words between Pixie Bob and Aizawa. That never changing tone of his, it was natural for them to take trust his words(?)

(Due to the trouble caused earlier, would they still be able to trust us?)

Yuuei was strict, it wasn’t going to be easy to climb over their walls, nonetheless Iida already knew this.

They were stern with how they showed affection though, whichever wall they’d have to climb next, he knew they’d believe in them. The people who had believed in their potential had always been the faculty, it was reassuring to know that.

“...”

Iida’s chest began to well up with emotions as he inhaled a air, poofing up his chest.

(We have to repay back by doing the best we can, we have to exceed their expectations... in other words-)

“....plus ultra”

The uplifted Iida turned on his heel and made his way back to his room, for the sake of doing better, maybe they should prioritise their apologies to sensei first.

To do well for the upcoming practice it is also important to make sure everyone’s in tip-top condition.

(...But, what was that noise?)

Iida’s head began to swarm with doubt, he remembers Aizawa’s words, however he shouldn’t let it bring him down, he continues back to his room in high spirit.

And so, Aizawa could still be heard.

“... Well, if they carry on being like this, they’ll be expelled straight away. but (t/n he said something about riding on a bet, but I’m so ?? bc it’s probably some betting, inner teacher lingo I don’t get, I’m sorry!)” said Aizawa as Mandalay collapses.

Blood king, Mandalady, Pixie Bob were taken back by the sudden wage.

“Ura, futtatsu tte” (t/n sorry I just can’t put it in english but this was part of the wage)

The teachers were entertaining themselves in the office in the late night with a couple games of Mahjong, while the student stood their ground with their pillows at the lodge (t/n referring to their pillow fights), the teacher’s stood their ground with their Mahjong.

Table games always had this strong image of betting which people like Iida had probably always imagine.

You could see Ragdoll and Tora lowering their hands under their table in satisfaction.

“So, should we finish this up, it’s going to be morning any time soon.”

“That’s true.” Blood King nodded tiredly at Mandalady’s words.

“One more time! One more time! Please!”

“Oi how many times must this go on?”

Aizawa looked over in surprise at Pixie Bobs unwavering perseverance, Pixie Bob was always concerned with marriage, there was a reason why she wanted to win so bad... the wage was that everyone had to introduce her to a good guy! She was the most pumped and eager, while Aizawa had already given up twice. The thing about Mahjong was, in comparison to the likes of Shogi and Igo was that you needed alot of luck to do well!

What if Pixie Bob lack of understanding of the game was a sign from god telling her to hold out on marriage for a little while longer?

“Anyways, tomorro- Actually, I mean today... Let’s just do this!”

“agghgh, my hands down, good night!”

Mandalady couldn’t help but quietly snigger, waving her hands about as she looked at the disappointed Pixie Bob getting teased by Rag doll and Tora, as Aizawa and Blood King proceeded out the office making their way back to their rooms.

-x-

“You’re pretty good at Mahjong, aren’t you eraser!”

“No really, I’m just average.”

It’s a relief, to be liberated from such a tiring match Blood King pitched in, whilst Aizawa’s focus was outside the window as they walked down the corridor. It was different from the city, there was a thick darkness looming, high and wide, but there was still a portion of light that could be seen from the window.

“Don’t tell me.. it’s those kids, at this time....”

The pillow fight from earlier, could this be the second round battle for revenge?, Blood King can only sigh.

“I apologise on behalf of that room over there for today.”

“Oi, Eraser! but...”

“Huh?”

“Doesn’t this mean it’s my class B’s victory?”

Aizawa shot a look over at Blood King who stopped in the corridor. He pretended not to care, Blood King was a hot blooded man, he took pride in his students and they too became infected with his hot bloodedness, that was the kind of homeroom teacher he was, he wasn’t one of those sweet, charming home room teachers at all.

But of course if it was class A vs class B, of course it would be his wish for his own class to win.

“... Well, I wonder.”

It was becoming a pain, masking his inner thoughts with his sleepiness, but that was the most Aizawa could answer with anyways.

His nonchantless, and his escape from the question showed no signs of affections for his class. Blood King was taken aback by his reaction, he didn’t expect this from Aizawa.

Aizawa suddenly plastered on a wry smile, it’s bad comforting an ego with talk like that.

“Anyways, I don’t think we should give them their hero license yet..”

“Of course, speaking of this... the hero killer isn’t he being imprisoned right now?

“It seems like it....”

The hero killer, named Stain committed a range of white collared crimes(?),he aimed to purge off the pro heroes but All might was the only hero he truly respected. Amongst the victimised hero’s was Iida’s older brother whose life was at the mercy of Stain. It subsequently led Iida down the path of vengeance, him wanting to avenge his brother, however Izuku and Todoroki were the two who came to his aid, heavily wounding Stain and led him to his imprisonment.

However Stain’s actions started a movement, villains were moved by his actions and decided to start up, the Villain alliance being one of them, however unlike Stain and his individual motive, the alliance was definitely under some kind of instruction.

Nonetheless, the Villain Alliance is in the hand of evil and we’ll never know when they’ll come back for the students again, but when they do at that time the least we could do is to protect the student’s with our bodies, our strength will be the most vital then.

“...I do hope things will be okay”

---kooooooooooo--- (t/n sound of wind)

Aizawa felt a gust of wind blow by but there was a sense of malice, eeriness that came with it, it brushed against the back of his head, Aizawa instinctively went on guard, peering out the window but he was just met the general darkness of the night and the same one spot of light, nonetheless, it was inevitable that some kind of evil force was on their way.

THE END

t/n i am so sorry for not updating this any time sooner, I looked at the last time I posted anything and it was back in April omg damn I’m so sorry about that! also, I do apologise if this lacks any kind of sense? Idk it felt like a messy translations I hope everyone understood it though!

#bnha light novel translation #boku no hero academia #light novel #translations #Iida Tenya #Mineta Minoru #aizawa shouta

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susebron · 7 years

Note

ohhhh. maybe... i don't know... all the numbers. yes let's go with all 100 of them

i sincerely hate you and these took forever to answer so you better read ‘em all!!!!!!!! but also thx bc some of these were v nice and fun to answer

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal than milk bc i came for the cereal, not the milk

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? if i’m in a good mood, yes. if i’m in a bad mood…. not at all

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? reciepts usually but i very much prefer actual bookmarks; specifically those with a magnet

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? with honey or sugar and lots of milk

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? i sincerely feel confused about how to smile properly??? so i guess a bit. like i can’t smile on order. i did as a kid but if i did it that way now, ppl would Wonder

6: do you keep plants? i had a cactus a while ago called robert plant but he died. my mum is currently keeping some plants in my room tho and i decorated one with some plastic dinosaurs but they are definitely not my responsiblity. i mean, robert plant died

7: do you name your plants? if you read the sixth answer, you would know that yes i do

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? writing i guess. idk it’s usually Metaphorically my feelings but i do make attempts to keep a diary sometimes. it doesn’t go well for long

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? not really

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? i really really really like sleeping on my side. i’m currently forced to sleep on my back and i do not like it

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? if one shouts sir yes sir then the other one has to shout I CAN’T HEAR YOU PUSSY #tbt @13000ants

12: what’s your favorite planet? tatooine which makes no sense

13: what’s something that made you smile today? leif gw persson was on tv

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? there would be books everywhere

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! neutron stars can spin at a rate of 600 rotations per second

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? um. macaroni and cheese or pasta salad. NO WAIT milk-stewed macaroni

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? tbh i’m content with my hair colour

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. that one time i thought sydney was in asia #tbt @weeplittlelannister

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? i do! idk i have one more diary-like, one with lists and drawings and shit… but also a calendar with is also somewhat a bullet journal

20: what’s your favorite eye color? what kind of q….. lmao oscar isaac’s

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. my mum gave me aleather messenger box, like a post office bag or whatever and I Love It. it’s tbh never big enough to fit everything but it tries

22: are you a morning person? no

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? read

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? i was gonna say my grandfather but then i realised there is no way he wwon’t end up telling my grandmother ausifsafa. idk. my stuffed elephant

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? me and william once broke into this storage room where we live. he stole one of those long light bulbs and hit me in the head with it. it hurt

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? just normal chuck taylors. off-brand tho of course lmao

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? mint or y’know…. bubblegum

28: sunrise or sunset? both

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? i know this says friends but listen. when @sneutrinos talks about physics or physicists he admires… his eyes are like Glittering and it’s endearing as fuck. makes me want to listen (or watch lmao) him talk about it for hours

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yes

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. the best way to describe my socks and usage of them is that my nurse the other week when i was getting dressed to go home was like “oh! you’re wearing mismatched for rock the socks day (a day to uplift/celebrate down’s syndrome) and i was like “i guess….. but this is also just how i wear my socks” i very rarely end up having matching socks?? it just??? never happens even if i try

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. lmao idk if this was after 3am but i remember that one time me and @kkruel were ranting about his dorm neighbour showering at like midnight but literally just shrugged it off when the ceiling caved in saihfoasp

33: what’s your fave pastry? pastry is such a loose term though??? there is so much to choose from??? but i’m like really feeling muffins lately

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? i had a bunch but let’s talk about the one stuffed dog i got when i was like six and is still like brand-new because i was terrified of ruining it so i just…. occasionally gave it a pet. nothing more

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? i do, i do. i prefer certain pens, even if the ink’s only black, and i tend to use them more than pencils.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? nirvana unplugged would fit so much i had to go listen to it

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? i mean i like when it’s clean but i don’t mind if it’s messy… as long as it isn’t Messy

38: tell us about your pet peeves! flour

39: what color do you wear the most? um probably blue or black

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? i honestly don’t really own any jewelry. i do have a watch that i use sometimes but it doesn’t really have a meaning other than that my mum bought it for me during one of our trips to uppsala. so i guess it does mean something after all lmao

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? i really loved nimona. it was hilarious and amazing

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! idk i really like espresso house because they have really good chocolate muffins but it’s always crowded and overpriced. wayne’s also has good muffins and are usually a bit cheaper, a bit less crowded

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? i guess micah and his dad lmao

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? um probably last tuesday

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? i mean i guess?

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. my mind is BLANK

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? ticks. oh this said FOOD. um. mustard

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? i can only think of my trauma-based fears and they were usually about water and losing my parents??? i’m not sure i’d say either is the biggest fear now, but i still feel really uncomfortable in muddy water

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? p sure the last i bought was highlights from the original french production of les misérables

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? as a kid i used to collect popcorn boxes from the movies? i think i only have lotr ones left

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? i associate @conradsricamora with conrad’s cover of ain’t no sunshine

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? i like the meme about ted cruz as the zodiac killer but it’s not from this year. uh. i can’t think of a 2017 meme

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? i’ve seen beetlejuice and pulp fiction and i love them both. one’s the perfect funny rainy october night movie and the other’s just… wow

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? idk someone on grey’s anatomy. mum’s been watching it a lot lately

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? gosh idk. i hope nothing too Dramatic

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? their love for their hobbies. like when someone is really intensively into something and it’s so Obvious. i love that

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? it always makes me feel so good. and i mean… yeah…. who doesn’t…

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? um @itsjustaheartache is the wine mum and @caesarsbuddy is the vodka aunt because…. they just are

59: what’s your favorite myth? um anything to do with swedish trolls tbh

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? tbh i love poetry but i’m a bit picky with it. but i’ll read anything by richard siken

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? um my aunt once gave me a cp3o pen for christmas. like that was it. i think it was in the 1 dollar bin

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? no i don’t but if i have to, i prefer orange juice

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? i really like them organized but i have so many books that i just.. give up a lot

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? it’s late so probably dark, dark blue. perhaps even black

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? all my friends at this point lmao

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? idk… flowery

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? like it’s time to travel to middle earth

68: what’s winter like where you live? it’s either really cold and snowy or no snow and probably really rainy

69: what are your favorite board games? dnd or monopoly

70: have you ever used a ouija board? no and i fucking never will

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? rn it’s my pokémon tea that my dad’s gf got me

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? lmao i definitely need to write everything down which i’ve failed to do lately and i hate it

73: what are some of your worst habits? procrastination

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. gay

75: tell us about your pets! one is satan but also the sweetest??? v interesting mix. she is honestly so good. and the other one is chunk in cat form. also p good

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? i’m trying to finish my assigned math tasks for today but ashfpsao god damn ebba made me answer all these 100 q’s

77: pink or yellow lemonade? neither? i’m not a big fan of lemonade

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? i haven’t seen the movies so i was neutral… and at this point i’m neutral evil about it. stop it

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? john boyega exists so that was a cute thing of his parents to do

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? blue at dad’s and like white/cream-ish at mum’s…. bc blue felt most neutral and the other one was already there, so

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. sea with a touch of caramel

82: are/were you good in school? lmao

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? um. tbh anything by led zeppelin

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? i’d want some, sure, but i’m uncertain of what. probably something relating to ryan dunn at least

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? it’s been a while since i had time to but i really love captain america, sweet tooth and…. tbh i’m not picky???

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? i love them. esp if it’s by king diamond. if i have to choose one of his, it’s got to be them or abigail tbh

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? the lord of the rings trilogy and the star wars original trilogy. also artifical intelligence

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? resistance

89: are you close to your parents? i mean yeah? in different ways but i’m close to both of them which is v nice

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. it is really neat with beautiful old buildings and lots of book shops. or at least a bunch of good book shops. also actual shops dedicated to comics or gaming. also a v nice tea shop

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? i’m hoping to move to a new city this autumn, so there’s that

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? i don’t get cheese on pasta unless it’s mac and cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? a luke skywalker inspired ‘do

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? um some family friend on facebook

95: what are your plans for this weekend? um. study, probably

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? i procrastinate. def

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? infp, leo, hufflepuff

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? i don’t remember when it was but i know that i did not enjoy it

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. anything by led zeppelin or stromae. a specific song though is the freshman by the verve pipe

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? no. no. you do not mess with time ok

#philipsunshea #tag: asks

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angocanhha · 3 years

Text

just a text post

(trigger warning: sexual assault, sex, genitals, porn, masturbation)

hi, bao lau chua gap. (saying hi reminded me of a suboi song, which that is a line from.)

lookit me, writing in this tumblr, thinking about you reading it.

in my class yesterday, someone mentioned how ‘our (asian) community’ minimizes pain in order to move forward and that really gets to me especially when thinking about rape culture + beyond. i think you and i worry about the other person a lot, whether or not you are annoying or bothering me, whether or not i am pressuring you, and i think it really shows how much mental capacity we have. and i think we can also maybe try worrying less in that way so we can free up mental capacity.

i just went to planned parenthood to get an sti check, i am still hiv negative, woo. i did find out in september that i have hpv though. that spun my mind. who did i get it from? when did i get it? did i give it to q?

where is a place for me to process about he who should not be named? i guess it’s going to be here.

he liked me in high school. he asked me to junior prom. he liked movies back then. he still likes movies now. he smokes a lot of weed. he drives a blue tesla. he is a software engineer. (is this too much?) life is quite a spectacle and i wonder if there’s a purpose to everything, like if stars really align and we are part of a landscape of god (part of my class yesterday.) i imagined all the cells on my body having lives like we do, having relationships and conflicts of sorts, and eventually those cells die and make way for new cells. my body is an ecosystem, like this earth is.

but i guess back to the dude. he’s somewhat of an incel, i just learned this word. i called him a misogynist when i was drunk. we got drunk a lot, i got high somewhat. he has a younger sister and he has a mother who he cares for. at least i think he does. we exchanged secrets, we made secrets. and he made a mistake. he violated me. i think about extorting money from him. and i ask myself if i would feel better. i ask if i would keep wanting more. i ask if i would feel cheap or empowered. it’s sad. it’s really sad.

i thought this guy was my friend. i thought i was his friend. he made a mistake. he violated me. he gifted me trauma and he is the second person to do so. it’s sad, it’s really sad.

it’s been about a month since i last saw him, since i stopped talking to him, since i last spoke with him. i wonder what i would do if i saw him at a coffee shop, on the street, in a store, at a gathering. i wonder when im going to tell his sister, if i’m going to tell his mother, if i’m going to tell his future girlfriend or wife. do i want him to suffer? what if he doesn’t suffer?

there is a thich nhat hanh buddhism precept/principle that says sexual relations is hurtful., actually, here’s the actual text:

knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, i am determined not to engage in sexual relations without true love and a deep, long-term commitment made known to my family and friends.

it’s part of the five mindfulness trainings. and it resonates deeply with me now.

i’ve used sex. i used sex to create excitement and distract. sex as a drug is so powerful, it puts me in a mental state that is out of this world, it motivates me and uplifts my mood for a very long sustained period of time. it’s a way for me to express with my body what i feel in my mind whether that be adoration, obsession. the thrill takes over and the dopamine / serotonin high seems to cure my mental negativity. i have acted foolishly for physical affection and the price for sex is higher than i imagined.

so what am i running from? what is my life like that i am so excited by sex? i mean sex feels great sometimes but now that i know the consequences, what will it be like to do without it. i really didn’t think that i wanted to go without it. but i do remember when my mom gave me the talk. i remember us going for a walk around our block and her bringing up sex with me, which i thought was out of character. or maybe i brought it up, i’m not sure. what i still remember though is her telling me that sex doesn’t need to be practiced or experimented with. when i find the right person, we will have a lifetime to explore (+improve?) and i took that message away with me, that i can wait until i get married to have sex.

but then i didn’t. desire is strong. the body rewards sexual sensations. but i think i kept it pretty under control until my third year of college.

it’s sad to think that the first time i was penetrated, i did not give consent. it happened and i was ok that it happened. i only realized the importance of affirmative consent to me years later and i’m glad i brought it up with that queer partner who penetrated me. we had a lot of sex after the first time. and i guess the rest is history.

i’ve thought about stopping. i’ve thought about not having sex until i am ‘really’ married. but i always cave, i always get lusty and think, what’s the point. especially in the moment.

maybe i’ll try again. maybe i’ll wait for that special someone that i decide i could and will spend the rest of my life with to get nekkid and have fun with. until then, we’ll just skirt around lips and leave cloth on our genital areas. i can find other ways to satisfy the craving that won’t leave me wondering my worth.

because nowadays, i find it hard to masturbate. i think of him and stop. i feel sad and angry. and i wonder if he’s stopped masturbating too. it’s sad. maybe i could watch porn and i have, i especially condone crashpad series. but maybe i also need to write a couple more posts about sex. so i have a better understanding of my body and mind when it comes to genitals and such.

after the first assault, i returned to sex after i returned to the u.s. and my partner. i thought maybe it would be hard but it turned out easier than i thought it would be. but i do recognize that oral being performed on me is pretty intimate for me. the other person would know what i taste like. but i wonder if it’s bc of how that person assaulted me that i hold that act so close to my heart, to protect it. i mean, i’m also self conscious about how i smell and taste down there but i guess that’s a vulnerability that can also be rewarding.

him though, i guess i’m still recovering. the first time, there was a two month waiting period before i could have sex with my partner again. trauma from sexual assault can be a pretty effective lust killer if not sex-prevention tool (such a sad joke, but i guess i need it.) it’s been about a month since the last time we had sex and so maybe i just need to wait another month until i’m ok to do it again.

but i don’t think i will. i don’t really want to use sex as a drug anymore. it will probably be hard but maybe this time my resolution will stick.

queued monday feb 22 11:16A, edited 3:23P

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2slowgoers · 4 years

Text

Ghosts of Christmases Past

Hi L,

I find that since it’s the end of the decade it’d be a good idea to write a tribute to all my fleeting memories of our friendship. Initially a challenge from you because you think I forget everything, I’ve used it as an exercise to remind me of why we’ve been able to become and stay so close in the relatively short 5, 6 years we’ve known each other. I realised that oftentimes it’s not the memory of our interaction but more so a feeling that stayed with me. Thus, the list you’ll see below is vague because I don’t really recalls details, but they’re there because they left a mark (I did use a few hints from my phone album). I’ll be writing this in chronological order from our first meeting to the last time we met in November

I’d love to hear if any of the things I write down are not in your memory or are remembered differently :) Memories are such a curious thing.

-I think we were in front of LDC? But it was ISO and we were all getting to know each other and you complimented my fashion ;p I really appreciated it. I think at that time I had a pretty good impression of you and thought we might get along (I think I have a pretty accurate first impression of people for myself).

-I also remember me, TT, and ST visiting you in your dorm at Goodhue during spring term maybe? You said that T’s bf at the time had come to visit but I don’t remember that. I just remember you weren’t too happy then but I don’t remember why :\ maybe you were stressed from work?

-winter term after you came back from studying and trekking abroad, I remember feeling nervous messaging you about your trip. Somehow it felt like we didn’t get to talk too much about it during that first conversation, or at least it wasn’t fully positive. I think you’d opened up about the struggles of traveling alone as a woman and getting harassed then?

-feeling replaceable when you and T got close, wondering if y’all would have dated if you’d met earlier. Anyway we talked (I don’t even know how I managed to approach you about this lol), and you talked about being friends with couples in your past

-summer after second year, going to Monterey with your family and eating at the Italian bistro bc your dad loves Italian food

-you visiting me in Seattle that summer and getting high with R. We had lunch with some college mates and were planning to go out but instead y’all just napped all afternoon. That was annoying but funny still

-visiting you in Berlin that fall -- going to all those weird bars, and in the last bar this guy came to sit with us and you talked to him, telling him we were all in relationships and he fibbed that he also was in a relationship. Later you told me his breath stank lol (let’s not mention all the other wildness that night -- still traumatised by the racist heckling and the people openly having sex at KitKat)

-meeting up in Venice (it’s still one of my fondest places that we went to together), trying to find cheap aperitifs and drinking them in front of a church, and lamenting over how romantic everything was and how many couples there were everywhere

-you, TT and ST coming to visit me in Budapest and us going to ruin bars. We left early and I remember being woken up at like 4am to open the door for TT. Also walking around Margitsziget (the island), and going to the open-air thermal bath. Do you remember zipping around in a whirlpool with throngs of people in it?

-me doing your hair in T’s room the following winter, with you sitting on a pile of newspapers on the ground. I think we were trying to dye your hair brown

-us cooking at your house with your hs friend H and then the garbage can set on fire (?!); I think you were trying to make carbonara that time but the eggs weren’t going great or something; it was also the first time I’d seen anyone microwave tomatoes

-you and V trying to eat her frozen coconut water from a box and using a knife to hack at it. I was so scared for your fingers

-us going to the career center training with a quarter of a watermelon and eating it with spoons. I loved eating watermelons like that and feel like I haven’t really eaten that way since :(

-our birthday picnic and going to Valley Scare -- do you remember being scared? I feel like most of the folks were freaked out by the clowns and I was trying to not exhibit any fear so the attention would get directed to everyone else

-that one group confession/conversation we had in our room where people brought up their insecurities and feeling left out; I later confided in you about my hesitance with everyone trying to uplift each other through their looks

-going tubing toward the end of the year with J and trying to blow up those damn tubes! You had to blow mine up eventually because I was running out of breath

-the next time going tubing with everyone and it being a mess! Definitely thought we were going to die a few times (there was one particular moment where some of us were trying to latch onto a tree but there were bugs on it, and behind us TT and someone else -- was it you? -- got stuck on a shallow pebbly area)

-during graduation, I pulled you and T together to introduce to my parents, purposely to pad their meeting with T. I was hoping also that your dad would get along w my dad but they barely talked :[

-visiting you and H with T in August! I remember paddle boarding with y’all (lots of fun), watching you all play games, and going to eat pizza and trying kombucha for the first time. That was a much needed break from my family then

-you and J coming to visit for my bday! We went to Ktown and sang karaoke and ate bbq (J said that while we were waiting in line some girl passed by and gave me a judging side-eye); watching the Parent Trap with you; us all sitting in the pool area and chatting (K and JN came with a cake! it was so good) about the future and all its unknown

-the two wonderful weeks in Taiwan :) the pace was good and I really appreciated having you show me your city (and also exploring new places with you). I remember waking up early and staring out your window as you snoozed next to me; your smelly dog and me not knowing how to pet him; going to the most beautiful little thermal spa (and taking advantage of our time there alone); going to night markets with you and of course getting my ears pierced :)); playing with super fluffy cats at the cat cafe; scoping cute stores and cafes at the artsy warehouse area; eating that nasty eel in Tainan; biking around in Tainan and then you getting bird poop on your scarf (!); the cute capsule hostel in Kenting; driving scooters around Kenting and being terrified of the wind. I’d love to do something like that again, with a nice pace to explore a place that’s less familiar to us both and maybe through a decolonized lens :)

-seeing you and J in the Bay Area after you moved there. We were taking all kinds of photos with different flowers in your neighborhood; going to First Friday in Oakland; eating at a cafe in Berkeley and spotting Nick Robinson even though you and J were sure I was mistaking him; us eating cioppino in that one seafood restaurant outside (I don’t think it was very impressive)

-you came back again in like October and we went to see A in the burbs. It was practically blizzarding and we tried to go to that one mall but ended up at a Mexican resto. I think we ended up going back to her place to play Life?

-spending Christmas, another precious chill time :) painting ornaments; decorating the tree; you and that puzzle (which still lies on our floor); cooking everyday; watching Strong Girl; going to that comedy show with my cousin and walking back in the cold; going to see the Christmas lights and paying money to see a rather unimpressive “4d experience”; buying a butcher’s knife and you hacking away at some chicken bones happily because I was too scared to do it

-hiking in March was also fun! You chose a beautiful and lovely b&b. I remember exchanging music with you (lots of Spanish electropop); eating that overpriced hotpot; and taking a bunch of photos while waiting for pizza

-seeing you again in June (feeling claustrophobic; going to that strange queer fashion show),

-August (going to see Yuna <3; that bike trip where you and T were going so fast; eating food at that little pagoda with our hodgepodge of food which was actually pretty good; having Thai temple brunch),

-September (2x! Spending time with my sister and all the stress incurred on us both that came with it before and after; I really appreciated you being there for me; getting good vegan food and trying but failing to find a plan for M; and trying to find hotpot mix all over the store but it was right under our noses?? -- the 2nd trip you came to Chicago and we watched Hamilton!!)

-and then November (going to see Mean Girls in NYC and you were waiting in line with that white saviour-seeming lady and the guy in the t-shirt; trying to meet each other’s friends; eating at Modern Love --still the most inspiring place I’ve eaten in 2019 aside from the Mexican Michelin place T and I went to for our anniv; walking around the park and you giving me a leaf for a bookmark which I actually kept for like a month)!

So many times this year lol, often unexpected and last minute. I’m sure there are plenty other memories rolling around in the back of my mind but these are the ones I wanted to highlight. Although I don’t know when we’ll reunite next, I have no doubt we’ll continue to support and uphold each other no matter the distance and time. You’ve been such a funny, supportive, insightful, and passionate part of many of my best memories in these past few years. I don’t say it enough but I hope you recognise the influence you��ve had on my life and those of others. Thank you, and I love you <3

Onwards to 2020!

W (December 30, 2019)

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