wandering-thoughts-lost-voice

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

In my dreams you break my heart, but I win you back. I don’t know what’s more heart breaking than that.

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

I keep checking my phone, but I know I’m the last person you want to speak to.

#i dont believe you anymore

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

Go ahead and break my heart, I deserve it.

#love

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

Maybe that’s all you were meant to be...a dream.

Reoccurring when my heart remembers you.

#i miss you

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

You didn’t break my heart this time. I broke my own.

I’m sorry I broke yours too.

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

You may not believe me, but I will love you forever, even if it’s not me and you at the end.

You’re always in the back of my mind.

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

Not talking to you hurts. Knowing that it doesn’t hurt you only hurts more.

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

You don’t have to love me back. I just want you to know I love you with every bone in my body.

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

You’re literally the man of my dreams.

I still dream about you.

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

I lie in bed wishing I could close the distance between us.

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

My hearts too big, that’s why it aches twice as much.

I really want to hear your voice right now, but I can’t.

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

All I want to do is be with you, but I’m a mess and you’re better off without me.

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

Under Mechanical Hearts

Chapter 3.0

Last Night...

"Who throws a party for someone who died?" I muttered to myself. I was sitting on a couch on the roof of that said party with a sprite in my hand and yes you read that correctly. Some people were rich enough to have patios on their roof while I struggled to find enough quarters in my wallet to buy a bag of chips from the vending machine at school. Anyway, back to me being at the party I was complaining about, hypocritical I know, but it was either this or having my thoughts torture me all night. I mean, the deceased was my best friend.

"Leave it to you to find a hideout," Dylan joined me on the couch, a fresh smile on his lips. "I was starting to think you went home."

"Trust me I thought about it," I sighed, "But this beats the alternative."

"Yeah..." he trailed off before things fell completely silent between us. Childish Gambino's 3005 filled the heavy quietness. I'll be right by your side till 3005, hold up. There was never a day I thought this song could bring me such gloom, but it did.

"Why did you throw this party?" I slouched down on the couch, making myself more comfortable. I could never keep my cool around Dylan for long, I liked to think that making my heart do summersaults was his superpower. "Doesn't seem like something you'd do."

Mirroring my actions, he slouched down too, "I didn't plan any of this, it was Nora."

I rolled my eyes, "Nice to know she's empathetic."

I could see him shrug from the corner of my eye while he brushed his hand forward over his hair. "She said it was to celebrate Maci's life."

"Are you sure it wasn't just an excuse to get wasted on a school night?" I turned to look at him. "Does she even know how Maci died? She was heading home from a party just like this one."

"Nora has good intentions," he defended her. "I've been doing pretty bad lately and she just wanted to cheer me up."

"Okay, but do you think this is what Maci would want?" I countered.

"I don't know what Maci would want and neither do you," his eyes found mine. Sounding annoyed he told me, "It makes no difference anyway because she's not here."

I rested my laced fingers on my stomach, changing my focus to the stars above, I said, "You're right."

"I'm sorry," he exhaled. "I didn't mean to--"

"No, you're right," I cut him off. "I obviously didn't know what she wanted if I didn't see her suicide coming."

"Reese," he called my name. "No one saw it coming. Not my parents, not me, no one."

"But I was her best friend, Dylan," I sat up, peering over at him. "We told each other literally everything." I could feel my heart hurting with each beat, "She never said she was unhappy, but I should've known, I--I should've been there to stop her." The calm before the storm passed and eventually, I felt it. I heard my mouth thunder with sobs, my heart lightninged with pain, my eyes rained. "I messed up. I--"

"You didn't mess up," concern twisted his mouth into a frown. "There was no way you could've known," he inched closer to me, wrapping me in his arms while his voice softened, "I may not know if Maci wanted this party or not, but I know she wouldn't want her best friend crying her eyes out."

Eventually, he released me from the hug and examined my eyes. "I know it's hard, but you're not alone," he wiped my tears with the long sleeve of his shirt. His eyes stayed locked on me for a while as he searched my face for any more signs of sorrow. Meeting my eyes again, he smiled weakly, but it disappeared just as it came. I could feel myself holding my breath because things suddenly felt monumental between us.

Gently, Dylan's hand rose to my cheek. Fall was already here, and even though there was a chill in the air I was burning up. Gazing into his eyes, I noticed that there was a void behind them, a void created by Maci's absence. My heart broke all over again in that moment because the last time I saw Dylan cry was at Maci's funeral about a year ago. I wondered how he coped with things, how he went home and passed Maci's room every day without falling apart. I lost my best friend, but he lost his little sister.

A fresh tear escaped down my cheek, but Dylan brushed it away with his thumb immediately. Leaning closer, he shut his eyes and I followed his lead until our lips met. The kiss was light and brief, a simple graze of his lips against mine, but the feelings it stirred up was immense.

He broke away for a moment, registering the huge act. Then, he plunged towards me, kissing me with more force. Holding onto the collar of his shirt, I kissed him back. His hands found their way to my hair, and my heart found its way to its grave. I only imagined what it would be like to kiss Dylan Russell, but I never thought it could actually happen.

Maybe because Maci was 100% against it. Guilt began to tug at my conscience at the thought and even though I didn't want to, I had to back out.

"Dylan," I breathed his name, my eyes were still closed, our foreheads resting against each other. "Wait." He planted a few more soft kisses before he finally pulled away. I felt terrible for ending one of my childhood dreams, but I couldn't sit there and kiss my best friend's brother. It was selfish and wrong on so many levels. Just because she was dead didn't mean Girl Code died along with her. "As much as I--"

"Dylan?" I heard a voice call from the double doors behind us. "Dylan? Where are you?"

I noticed Dylan move back to the other side of the couch, yanking the collar of his shirt back and forth to cool down.

"Dylan!" A very drunk Nora shouted when she found us. "I've been looking for you like everywhere!" She climbed over the couch clumsily falling into the empty spot between us. I cleared my throat as she rested her feet on v my lap. Squinting her eyes, she studied me until she realized who I was, "Reesie Peesie!" She shoved her red cup of beer into the air, "To Maci!" Dropping the drink all over my boots, Nora passed out with her head on Dylan's shoulder.

"Reese..." Dylan trailed off. I had that uncomfortable feeling of stepping in something wet with my socks on and moving my toes around in my beer-soaked black ankle boots made it worse. Standing to my feet, I shook my head at Dylan who sat there frozen. "Hold on," he gently lifted Nora's head to free himself.

I, however, was already on my way back inside.

"What are you still doing here?" Fabian questioned as he snapped a few pictures of me. He was casually hanging out in the hallway, "I thought you went home."

"Can you move out of my way?" I bumped my shoulder against his.

"What's your problem?" He followed behind me taking more pictures. "Who pissed in your cereal this time? Couldn't have been me, I barely saw you tonight."

I turned around, grabbing the lens of his camera, "I will drop this to the floor and stomp on it."

"Well, I hope you can cough up thirty-five hundred," he smirked, taking another picture, "and that doesn't even include the lens."

Rolling my eyes, I began to push through the crowd to find the bathroom. It was almost 2 in the morning and people were still bumping and grinding to the music like half of them didn't have exams to take in the next couple of hours. The second-floor bathroom had no line and even though it seemed suspicious I took a chance and opened the door. Covering my nose from the acrid smell, I slammed the door shut right away. I probably should've covered my eyes too because it was never a pleasant sight to see someone's vomit spewed all over the sink and toilet.

"Oh yeah, don't go in there," I heard Fabian's voice. "Someone's stomach exploded."

"Thanks," I clenched my jaw, walking away from him and down the stairs. The line for the first-floor bathroom was looking horrendous and I was contemplating whether or not I should just go home.

"I know where there's another bathroom," Fabian's annoying voice was in my ear. "But that's only if you promise to be nice."

"How do I know you're telling the truth?" I folded my arms.

"Because I've been here a few times," he shrugged. "Who do you think takes Nora's bomb-ass Instagram pictures?"

"Fine," I caved. I was frustrated with having him follow me around, but if I got to the bathroom, hopefully, I could save my boots and be on my way out, never having to run into him again for the night, "Show me."

Finally making it to a bathroom in a part of the house that was deemed off limits, I washed off my boots with soap and water. I was hoping that if it didn't get rid of the beer smell, it would at least reduce it. I dried them as best as I could and removed my socks before placing them on my feet again.

When I exited the bathroom, I found Fabian taking a selfie with a statue in the hallway. I walked past him as I tried to return to the side of the house with loud pulsing music. I could hear his footsteps behind me as I walked down the long hallway, "You miss her, right?" He broke the quietness.

"Yeah," I replied, softly.

"Me too," he said. "I thought of her as a big sister, y'know? I can't believe it's almost been a year already."

"Can we not do this?" I turned to face him, stopping him in his tracks.

"Do what?" He furrowed his brow.

"Have this heart-to-heart about Maci," I answered, " and how much we miss her and wish she was still here."

"Sorry, I--I thought you'd wanna talk about it considering she was your best friend and all," he responded. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"Thank you," I about-faced and began walking again.

"Y'know there was this one time--"

"Fabian," I warned him.

"Oh, you meant like no talking at all," he said. "Gotcha."

#wandering-thoughts-lost-voice #creative writing

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

Under Mechanical Hearts 

Chapter 2.0

"Reese! Reese!" I heard Dylan's voice behind me. I was hoping that the busy hallway would be enough to stop him from catching up. I knew he wanted to discuss what happened last night because that's just how Dylan was, he couldn't leave things alone. The packed hallway failed to keep him away and he confidently grabbed my arm. "Didn't you hear me calling you?"

I sighed, "What's up?"

"Look, I didn't mean to make things so awkward between us--" Examining the hallway, he pulled me over to the side to talk more. His voice was low when he said, "I'm sorry about the kiss last night. It was...a mistake."

If the hallway wasn't filled with the sound of moving feet, conversation, and laughter, the sound of my heart breaking would be very audible. I wanted to remind him that he kissed me more than once and after one time it was considered a choice, not a mistake.

"I was caught up in the moment," he continued, "and you were too. It was stupid...I--I was stupid," he shook his head like the thought of kissing me was the worst possible thing on earth to do. Worse than stubbing his toe, worse than getting a paper cut in between his fingers, worse than failing all his finals. "I'm just glad we didn't get too carried away or--"

"I get it," I gave him a tight-lipped smile. My eyes darted to the floor while my heart struggled to function with pieces now shattered. I knew he was right, we shouldn't have kissed, but did he have to make it sound so unappealing?

"Yeah," he rubbed the back of his neck. "So we're on the same page right? You know Maci wouldn't want things to be weird between us."

"Mhm," I hummed.

"So let's pretend it never happened?" He shrugged his shoulder, lifting his hand to receive a high-five.

It definitely wasn't a high-five moment, but I could tell that he did it out of pure nervousness. I thought about leaving him hanging and throwing a fit, but that was pretty immature considering he already felt crappy. Plus, if I didn't give him a high five then things would be awkward between us again and there would be more uncomfortable conversations just like this one.

Before the palm of my hand could meet his, someone beat me to it. "Baby, can we go out for lunch today? They're serving burgers in the caf." She locked their fingers together, her eyes skimming over me for a second.

Chuckling, Dylan glanced at me before focusing on her again, "Yeah, we can do that."

I turned on my heel to walk away, my heart just couldn't take anymore. I had been waiting for Dylan to notice me since we were kids and of course that never happened. I mean, it did last night, but he wanted to forget the whole thing. Sometimes, I wondered if it was because I was his little sister's best friend or maybe it was because he was just a huge man-slut. He changed girls like insects shedding their exoskeleton, always going through some sort of phase, no girl he had was like the other.

Right now, he was dating Nora Vaughn and it was obvious that he was in his blonde hair, blue-eyed, I have a trust fund, and I would die for a pumpkin spice latte-girl phase. At the beginning of summer, he was in his red hair, brown-eyed, anti-animal cruelty, and all I eat is kale-girl phase. No need to mention all the girls he dated last year, that would take a while.

I liked to think that I was the one he would be with in the end, but Maci always talked me out of my madness. Even though he was her brother she knew him and was very familiar with his obvious fear of long-term commitment. The only thing Dylan had ever stuck with was sports and occasionally I wondered if he would eventually get tired of that too.

At this point though, I didn't care what his plans were or who he wanted by his side. When I got home from the party last night all I could think about was how I went against my promise to Maci. She wanted me to keep my eyes off her brother because she thought I'd get hurt in the end and she didn't want it to impact our friendship. She was right about one thing, it sure did hurt like hell seeing him hold hands with Nora like nothing happened between us.

And to make matters worse, I felt extremely guilty for not stopping things before they went too far. I was still having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that Dylan and I kissed at a party his girlfriend threw at her house. Nora and I weren't exactly friends, but we weren't enemies either. I didn't really know her well, but that was no excuse to kiss her boyfriend. That was probably one of the lowest things I ever did.

I was driven by my emotions and I wasn't thinking straight. I also didn't have Maci to talk some sense into me like she usually did. I needed her, I needed my best friend, but she was gone forever so there was no sense in dwelling on something I couldn't change.

#wandering-thoughts-lost-voice #creative writing

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

Under Mechanical Hearts

Chapter 1.0

"The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins?"

When you get a creepy note in your locker that looks like it's been written in blood, what exactly do you do?

I can tell you what I did. I bugged the hell out and dropped it on the floor ASAP. I was so close to screaming, but when I got a better look at the note still lying on the floor, there were the initials FB scribbled on the back. I took a deep breath, running my fingers through my hair, my heart was fighting to recover from the prank. I couldn't believe him.

Who makes jokes at a time like this?

Grabbing the note, I slammed my locker closed and decided to pay FB a visit, he was not getting away with this one. I made my way around the corner and down the hall to find him putting books in his locker.

"Reese," he smirked, scratching his head of short dreadlocks. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"You think this is funny, don't you?" I shoved the note into his hand. "I know you wrote it."

"Wrote what?" he furrowed his brow. Peering down at the note, he dropped it on the floor like it was a hot potato, "What the hell is that?! Is that..." he scanned the hallway before whispering, "blood??"

I folded my arms, "Like you don't know."

"What are you talking about?" he folded his arms. "Listen, I know I can be a little obnoxious sometimes, but that's just sick."

"Fabian," I warned him, "you better not be lying."

"I swear," he held his hands up in surrender. "I did not write that."

I watched him closely and his solemn expression didn't falter once. On any other day, Fabian would've already been doubled over in tears with laughter, he sucked at keeping a poker face. Watching him now he appeared to be telling the truth.

"So you have no idea what this is?" I questioned, my heart froze in my chest.

Holding my gaze, he shook his head.

#wandering-thoughts-lost-voice #creative writing

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

Guys I need your help!

Okay so I’m writing a new story and I need some feedback. I’m gonna release the first couple of chapters I wrote and I need to hear what you guys think! 

#wandering-thoughts-lost-voice #creative writing

[wandering-thoughts-lost-voice]

It doesn’t matter how we feel if I still can’t hold you in my arms.

Wandering-thoughts-lost-voice

I want you right here with me.

#excerpt from a story #excerpt from a book #excerpts from a book i'll never write #excerpt from a story i'll never write #love story #love poem #poetry #quote #quotes #love quotes #love stories #short stories #short quotes #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #spilled words #spilled heart #spilled poetry #spilled art #ink #art #heart art #thoughts #words #love words #word art #spilled creativity #creative writing #creative words #wordsnquote