catsforthewin - Tumblr blog

catsforthewin · 12 days

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....: You should try to move on ....: I don't wanna move on ....: Don't stay in the past ....: I'll stay in the past ....: You gotta let go ....: I can't let go ....: You know good things don't last ....: It's the only good thing I've had

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catsforthewin · 13 days

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Close your eyes and take a walk in a field of dreams and magic

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catsforthewin · 13 days

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I can't stop fading

Little by little I disappear

Into the other side I go

Move on? it's hard

Not here, not there

Stuck in-between

Pushed and pulled

Crying for help

Weeping for relief

I feel cold and warm

Numb and not

Hurts but not enough

Can't breathe

Trembling but hot

Surviving but not

Enough or lack of

Stuck in limbo

Unfinished business?

I haven't even started

What am I?

What am I supposed to be?

Blank space?

Seat filler?

What?

I'm just left in the abyss..

Wishing for... comfort

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catsforthewin · 14 days

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I Just Wanna Watch Tv...

The television invented by John Logie Baird and Philo Taylor Farnsworth.

I may not know you personally my good sirs but I am infinitely thankful to you and so so grateful for your services to the public and overall society. Your invention has helped so many minds unknowingly. The television inspires great minds, provides comfort and stability, hope for the hopeless, relief for the depressed, generates creativity in young and old minds alike. it is full of life and soul and it saved mine. It continues to do so even now and it will continue to do so for as long as I exist.

I remember coming home and racing to get everything done before the evening cartoons would start. I would receive tea and biscuits, snacks and sometimes meals. I would sit there for a few hours everyday and absorb the happiness and the magic of the shows. I would encourage my family members to join and it felt ..good. Even as I speak, even at my lowest point now, I can still feel the energy and the creativity that I have been blessed with. It hums under my skin and it fulfills me in times of need and inspiration. Though to my situations I have lost some of that magic I have no doubts that I will be able to recover it all back. Because if I have hope in one thing in this world.. it is my creativity.

Putting it into words would seem a bit difficult, but if I were to try.. I'd say it is like the stars in our skies, burning with heat and shining with light, It is like the evergreens in our forests, beautiful and vibrant and equally dangerous and deceiving, armed with the power to heal and the power to destroy, like Elixir of life and Pandora's box.

Inside the tv were beings I considered family. They came in all kinds of sizes, colors, species and shapes. They didn't judge me, hurt me, abuse me. They taught me good lessons and how to be a good human being. They played a heavy role in making me who I am today. I do not hate, I do not discriminate, I do not hold onto prejudice. I am not racist, homophobic, sexist, ableist, fatphobic, atheophobic, xenophobic, etc. I do not have that burning void of anger in me. I looked at the unknown in curiosity. I did research, learned about things I didn't understand. I do not feel anything negative towards anyone I don't know because of their identity. I would despise a person because of how they behave.

My mystical box taught me all of this. It taught me how to love and accept and heal together. It taught me that bad people aren't always evil and good people aren't always angels. It taught me to try to get people to be better but evil will get the punishment they deserve. It taught me to love animals and take care of nature. It taught me compassion and empathy, understanding and not judging before you know everything. It taught me how to stand my ground but also protect myself. It taught me that backing down isn't shameful and crying isn't a weakness, It is just how we release pressure. It taught me to trust my intuition and what to look out for in evil people. It gave me so much knowledge and so much more. Here would be a good place to stop for I am getting tired and it would take me a lifetime to write about everything and that does not seem optimum, Tehee.

This may seem like a bit of a rant but I thought that it was time to show my appreciation for the television.

so TV, this one is for you, one of my best teachers

I felt family and love from a box.. and it was glorious beyond comprehension.

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catsforthewin · 15 days

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What Are You Afraid Of?

I'm afraid of big crowds I'm afraid of being alone I'm afraid of anxiety I'm afraid to talk to people I'm afraid of how I eat I'm afraid of how I behave I'm afraid of feeling sick I'm afraid of letting everyone down I'm afraid of not being good enough I'm afraid of coming off as obnoxious I'm afraid of the world I'm afraid of myself I'm afraid of feeling sad and depressed I'm afraid of the cashiers I'm afraid of public transportation I'm afraid of people throwing me away I'm afraid I might've already thrown myself away I'm afraid of hurting and feeling like I shouldn't be I'm afraid of messing up I'm afraid of not feeling more grateful for things I have I'm afraid of tripping where everyone can see I'm afraid to pick deliveries I'm afraid of being laughed at I'm afraid to order food I'm afraid of how I think daily I'm afraid of all the self harm thoughts I'm afraid of how lazy I am I'm afraid of how inconsistent I am I'm afraid my best isn't enough I'm afraid I don't try enough

I'm afraid …of all of this and so much more, my brain

"I'm just so afraid and lost and I don't know why anymore"- anxiety

#mental health #painful #im sad and tired #lonesome #depressing life #anxi4ty #im trying #not enough tho #i think #i miss myself #i want happiness #is it my fault #maybe #tumblr is my diary #ill be fine #i hope #touch starved #writing help #kinda

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catsforthewin · 20 days

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Through The Eyes Of The Depressed...

Where heaven overlaps the Earth I am struggling to get out of my own damnation. What is life like on the other side? Is it calm or exciting, is it thrilling yet familiar, pretty yet ugly, stressful yet one of a kind? For my existence is ghostly, coexisting on every plain but returning to pain at the end of a day. What is it like to think so positively? what is it like to rarely have to battle with yourself and the world to protect your hope? what is it like being you and feeling good about it, even for a few days? What is ..life like seen through the eyes of the untainted?

I wish to know. Or perhaps I do not. What power does hell have if we cannot dream of heaven? But will hope persevere? knowing the outside and what it could be like... Will one be built or crushed upon realizing? I suppose many factors come to play to create such individualistic outcomes of one's life. Experiences, genetics, karma, etc. In the end there are some things that we may never know. Some things better unknown. But some things are better known and revealed. Wherever we may be I hope our outcomes are on the positive side, for even after all this time my hope is yet to be destroyed. I dream of heaven. I will do my best to turn dreams into realties

#mental health #painful #im sad and tired #no one reads these #depressing life #peace and love #you deserve love #depressing shit #trying #lonesome #touch starved #mental heath issues #mental heath support #here for you #writing help #tumblr is my diary #ill be fine #i think #hopefully

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catsforthewin · 22 days

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I Miss Myself

What I used to be was radiant, like the stars that are scattered across the galaxy and warm like fresh baked bread. I felt like a field filled with hundreds and thousands of flowers of all different colors and shapes and sizes, like a sweet sweet melody, like how the grass smells after it rains and the scent of new books, like how crystals shine and how soft sweaters feel. Like the morning sun.. warm and familiar. They were all me and I was them.

I miss when the forest was filled with so many fascinating animals, when the trees were vibrant and the waterfalls were so majestic, when nothing was threatening or risky or dangerous. I miss when the ocean was blue, crystal clear and oh so deep. Even when we couldn't see the end we knew it was colorful and glorious down there. Corals were so bright and the sea life was just that.. sea life. The creatures living so peacefully, beautiful and unique in their individual ways. I don't want it to be scary or bottomless. I don't want to feel like its a void filled with demonic creatures waiting to tear me into dozens of pieces, like that is where god takes his revenge. I miss when the skies were just canvases with so many different colors, so many magical possibilities awaiting to cater to your imagination.

I used to be happy, so happy and okay. I was doing okay. Until I understood.. I started observing more and I truly started to see everything around me. Little by little it shattered me. I tried to fight back but I'm only oh so strong. Fast forward to now I am hanging on by a few threads. It has been seven years since I started fighting, if anything it only got worse. What do I do when I'm down to one thread?, what will I do when it breaks? I don't want to end. I want my old self back. I want to be happy and alive. Safe and cared for. I want to protect and be protected. I want to dance and sing and draw and read and eat and drink and sleep well and get through my days with ease and peace. I crave a healthy life and a healthy body, a positive mindset and a brain that doesn't whisper hatred.

I do so much to only receive nothing, it's just.. sad. I feel like the monster everyone tries to stay away from. Not good enough for school, not good enough for friends, not good enough for parents, not even good enough for strangers. So I am not good enough to exist?. I can't even buy groceries without my anxiety trying to kill me. Thoughts always on the back of my head; You are not good enough, oxygen waster, idiot, useless, monster, underserving, nobody should care, you like to suffer don't you?, all your fault, don't deserve to eat, pathetic, your blood is better spilled, shouldn't waste money, the only use you have is to be a human shield. too broken, too shattered, too irresponsible, so lazy, so dumb, so annoying, such a burden, a botheration, crazy, crazy, lunatic, overdramatic, SHUT UP!, die, die, die, die, DIE.. just die. Wow.. my own enemy much?. Sad to say that this is only a few. I might just be erased out of existence someday, who can tell?.

At least I had happiness.. even for a few young years of my life.

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catsforthewin · 3 months

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#mental health #depressing life #tired #sadnees #lonelly #feeling alone #anxitey #art #not mine

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catsforthewin · 3 months

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I'm surrounded by protégés. All so smart and hardworking. I feel like a fool. Maybe I am.

#stupid #im sad and tired #lonesome #no one reads these #painful #sorry for being depressing #hurtful #not smart #idiot #what i feel #i try my best #i didn't ask for this #i dont know #i didn't mean to

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catsforthewin · 3 months

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Let my pain spill all over the pages of tumblr and bleed through the screen

#painful #mental health #im hurtin #hugs #im sad and tired #im cryin #depressing life

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catsforthewin · 3 months

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Hurts

#constant struggle #im hurtin #tears in my eyes #mental health #need love #lonesome #depressing life #painful #alone with my thoughts #feeling alone #art #not mine #im trying #im tryin my best #so painful #peace and love #tight hugs #life

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catsforthewin · 3 months

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Happiness

When given I question why?. Love?, for me?. It does not feel right. I admit that it is quite sad that I want to be happy but do not know how. Pain has been my companion for a long time and without it I feel numb and incomplete, like I'm nothing anymore, but never happiness. It truly frightens me. However will I get out of this mess?. It simply feels too much, overwhelming. So much to fix, so little time.

Life is unpredictable, I remember distant memories of happiness, long gone. It felt incredible, my soul singing and my heart beating, truly living. I may die without ever experiencing happiness without restrictions again. On very very rare occasions I do feel this happiness. And I must say it feels amazing. Life filled with such moments are only a mere dream to me now. Through my cloud of sadness I'm genuinely and truly happy for those who have achieved such lifestyles. I congratulate them from the bottom of my shattered heart and hope I never ruin anything for anyone.

Truly pathetic I feel. A miserable potato sitting in their room typing out nonsense to try to feel relief. It doesn't come. Even if it did, relief loves to leave me behind, always so pent up and sad, hurt beyond words I could say, I want to live but I fear I might just end up dead.

Take care of yourselves people, you never know life.

#mental health #peace and love #happylife #happiness #im sad and tired #depressing life #lonesome #writing help #only a bit #safe little space #painful #words have power #self healing #trying #im tryin my best #im hurtin #tight hugs #heartache #shattered glass

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catsforthewin · 3 months

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I'm Sorry...

for not dancing at parties for not socializing well for being so picky for being so talkative that my interests are boring for laughing really loudly that you have to constantly check on me like a baby that I can't talk to people properly I make you ask questions at stores for being so dependent on you for being extremely sensitive for not being wild and fun I overthink so much for texting you constantly for being so clingy for always panicking for wasting so much money I'm not good enough for anything I whine constantly about my issues you can't have fun when you're with me I struggle at math for not studying for eating so much food for bothering and annoying all the pets for disappointing everyone all the time I wasted all of grandpa's hard work and ended up like this everyone has to put up with me for cutting myself for hating the body that's keeping me alive and healthy for feeling ugly for not disappearing to everyone for being this way for everything for existing for me

#im sad and tired #i hate me too #no one reads these #im cryin #wish i was joking #i didn't ask for this #i didn't mean to #i try my best #i care a lot #so sad #i feel so miserable #im tired #im sorry #painful #nothing but pain #lonelly #feeling alone #self h@rm #struggling mentally

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catsforthewin · 9 months

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It's hard to open your eyes and see clearly when you're underwater. There is no escape. But at least you can't feel your tears.

#mental health #quoteoftheday #self love #tight hugs #fightforyourself #be careful #peace and love #live love #live love life #be who you want to be #be who you are #underwater art #drown in my mind #can't sleep #can't breathe #struggling to breathe #struggling mentally

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catsforthewin · 11 months

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Little do you know How I'm breaking while you fall asleep. Little do you know I'm still haunted by the memories. Little do you know I'm tryin' pick myself up piece by piece. Little do you know I need a little more time.

#peace and love #be who you want to be #mental health #tight hugs #be careful #quoteoftheday #live love life #be who you are #self love #song lyrics #memories #painful #be alright #ill be fine #unconditional love #loveyourself #love your body #loveyourskin

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catsforthewin · 11 months

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Gladiolus flower. Fight. Victory shall be the gain of your resilience.

#mental health #live love life #self love #tight hugs #be who you are #be careful #peace and love #be who you want to be #quoteoftheday #strength #fightforyourself #resilience #strong #capable #victory #meaning of flowers #youll never know

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catsforthewin · 1 year

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All the cruel things you said you didn't mean but said anyways will be with me for eternity. Thank you for proving that blood doesn't protect you against monsters. That it creates them just the same. Blood won't guarantee safety. But I will for myself.

#monsters #family #parents #be who you want to be #mental health #live love life #struggle #tight hugs #self love #peace and love #be who you are #be careful #quotesforlife #quotes #life quote #quoteoftheday

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