citruscisco2 - Tumblr blog

citruscisco2 · 4 years

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You. Are. A. Man!

Five Hargreevs x Trans!Male Reader

Plot: The reader is a transgender male who is struggling with body dysphoria and tries to deal with being reminded that he was once a female. Five is there to support him and remind him that the reader is indeed a man.

Author’s Note: To be honest, it felt weird writing this. I’m a female and I don’t feel like I should be writing this. I feel like someone with these actual experiences should write this. This is also why I’m turning to my friend Axel, who is transgender and having him help me write this. I would love to write more stuff like this in the future, so please send in more requests! Also, if you’re struggling with body dysphoria, please feel free to talk to me about what’s going on. I love you guys and I wanna help ya’ll! I love you guys and remember that you’re all special in your own way! Also go check out my Wattpad!

Warnings: BODY DYSPHORIA! Basically, if you’re sensitive to any content regarding transphobia I guess.

Requested: Yes by @rainbow-depresso-expresso

Key: E/C = Eye color; B/T = Body type; S/C = Skin color

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My chest ached at the feeling of my binder crushing the two lumps of fat that remained hanging on my body. Then again, it’s my fault for making it so tight, but I’ve been wearing it all day. I just wanted to look completely flat; is that too much to ask for? To be born with the correct body and to have people accept you for who you are? I just want to look how I was meant to be born; I wanted to be born a man. Is that too hard? Is it too hard to be accepted for who I want to be, who I was meant to be? I’m not harming anyone, yet only a handful of people in my life support me rather than everyone. These people are the only reason why I stay sane. They’re the only reason I haven’t given up my dream of having top surgery. Though, the topic of transitioning from female to male didn’t settle well with my parents.

Here I am, standing in front of my body mirror with tears brimming my (E/C) eyes which were glaring at my (B/T) (S/C) body. I hate it. I hate my body. I hate every damn thing about it! I couldn’t even look at myself without feeling the dysphoria creeping up my back like it’s a damn spider. I can’t even look down without seeing the two lumps of fat on my chest and what lies between my legs, I can’t even tell my parents about what I’m feeling because I know what their views on transgender people, and they’re not positive.

It hurts to know that you can’t become who you want to be; who you are meant to be. It fucking hurts to hear people call you something that you’re not and to be constantly reminded that you’re different, and when people think of different, they think, “Oh, that’s weird.” Weird eventually leads to people thinking the people or things that are weird as inferior to them. It’s beneath them. Do you know how much it hurts to hear your loved ones bash the people in your community just because they’re different and think that they’re weird? They say those things then turn right to you and tell you that they love you for who you are. No, they don’t, but then again, they don’t know I’m the very thing they despise.

It’s scary to know they if they found out your secret, you’ll change right before their eyes into a hideous, mutated monster. They’ll kick you out, act like they don’t know you, humiliate you and force you to wear the clothes they want you to wear, and they’ll do whatever they can do to convince you it’s a phase and you aren’t who you think you are. I’m terrified of the day they remind me constantly of the things that make me what they want me to be.

I’m so fucking insecure about how my shirt hugs my body, and how I can’t wear underwear without wanting to bawl my eyes out because they’re not boxers. Sure, I have other insecurities that everyone else has, such as how some people don’t like the size of their nose, the color of their eyes, or even the amount of fat they have on their bodies. I can’t change myself though without anyone really noticing what I’m trying to achieve. I had to convince my parents I was just going through a phase just so I could get my hair cut short enough to where it chopped off some of the dysphoria I carried around.

You wanna know what hurts the most, though? Fearing that the love of your life is going to leave you for who you are. You fear that soon he’ll realize the mistake he’s made and walk right out the door. He’ll lose feelings and start to distance himself, whether he realizes it or not. He said he loved you, but he can’t just be with you. Maybe somewhere he still loves you, right? He loved you, did he though? If he really loved you, he would’ve stayed and worked shit out, but instead, he became disgusted with who he associated himself with.

It first starts with him not wanting to kiss you in public. You think that he just hasn’t been comfortable with PDA lately and wants to limit it, so you brush it off. You don’t even point it out to him when you’re alone and continue to tolerate it. Soon enough it escalates into not wanting to hold your hand in public. It hurts, but you don’t bother him. It’s not until he stops doing these things even when you’re alone that it starts to bother you. It hurts, but you’re too scared to bring it up and accidentally start a fight. This isn’t the first time something like this happened to you, so you didn’t push him. You’ve learned from your mistakes, haven’t you? Your world comes crashing down and the nightmares you’ve been having for the past week finally come true. He doesn’t bother saying that he’s sorry, or that he wishes you two could just stay friends. No, he just walks right out the door without even looking back at you to see if you’re okay because he knows you’re not. He knows he broke your already cracked heart into dust, and he couldn’t give two shits.

Why would he though? Why would he want a monster like you? An abomination, that’s what you are. He couldn’t stand the thought of associating himself with you. He couldn’t handle the stares the two of you received in public. At first, you both just assumed it was because you were both men, but now he realizes it’s more than that. It’s because you’re trying to change yourself into someone you’re not. He was ashamed to be seen with you; to love you. He had to leave, he needed to. It was for the sake of his reputation he had said. He couldn’t stand to be with you because of the fact of who you are; of what you are. It’s all because you’re transgender.

As these thoughts ran through my head, my eyes grew increasingly more blurry due to salty tears blocking my vision. I felt both my bottom lip and knees tremble as my breathing grew more ragged, and it suddenly felt as if all air was cut off from my lung. My eyes screwed shut and my lips tightened shut, forcing myself to conceal my sobs. My legs gave out from underneath me, causing me to collapse to the carpeted ground of my bedroom floor and lower my head. I couldn’t look in that damned mirror anymore. A heart-wrenching wail forced itself from my body, and the sobs just came pouring out. My hands found themselves buried in my short (H/C) hair, tugging so hard at the strands that I thought I was going to rip them from my own scalp. Sob after sob, I continued to cry for what seemed like forever. Both my head and heart pounded in agony. My hands trembled and my chest heaved up and down at an increasingly fast pace as I tried to gasp for a single breath between my cries.

Fear shot up my spine as my chest ached for a different reason. I couldn’t breathe. I tugged harder at my hair and clawed at the back of my neck, hoping more pain would force my body to fight for its life and help me regain my breath. It felt like a lump of some wort was lodged in my throat, causing my body to heave forward as if I were gagging. Not to mention my nose was clogged up with snot. My vision grew foggy and my face grew hot. Would this be how I die? A pathetic mess?

I felt two arms quickly wrap around my waist and pull me into their chest. I could feel the rough texture of their jacket, but their shirt under the jacket felt smooth and soft. I could faintly hear their voice, shushing me and telling me something. They sounded calm, not panicked at all. Their touch was gentle as they brought my head to their chest, gently stroking my back with one hand and using the other to pull me close. It was still loose enough to where it didn’t feel as if I was suffocating.

I saw the familiar umbrella tattoo on the person’s wrist and the logo I had seen so many times on the person’s jacket. Only one Umbrella Academy member still wore their jacket, mostly because they were stuck in a teenager’s body and those were the only clothes that fit him. Not to mention he was too stubborn to go out and by clothes for boys his age. Physically his age, that is. I never pushed Five too many times to buy the clothes I’d die to see him wear because I just wanted him comfortable and happy. Plus, who am I to hell him what he can and cannot wear?

I was able to faintly smell the cologne he wore daily, calming me down just a tad. My throat finally ceased and allowed me to gasp for a small bit of air, but it didn’t stop me from hyperventilating. Five gently rocked me back and forth as best as he could, continuing to softly shush me and rub small circles on my back. I could finally make out what he was saying.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he mumbled, humming a soft tune that always seemed to calm me down. “I’m gonna need you to do something for me, dear, can you do that?” I whimpered pathetically and managed to nod in affirmation. He nods and continues. “I want you to breathe with me, okay?” I nod once more, desperate to come down from my panic. He starts his breathing off at a moderately fast pace, almost matching with my own. I was able to match my breathing with his own as I gripped his dark blazer. His breathing gradually slowed down, and as did mine. This wasn’t the first time Five’s had to help me, so I knew what to expect. Once my breathing was stable enough, he spoke again. “Do you need anything?” he softly asked, reaching over and grabbing a soft blanket that laid upon my bed.

“You,” I managed to choke out. My eyes burned from the salty tears, and my head ached from crying. He nods and drapes the blanket around my body and tilts my head up so he can see my face. His eyes are glazed over with empathy and care. He gently strokes my cheek with his thumb and gently presses his lips against my forehead.

“I’m not going anywhere my dear,” he assures me, tightening his embrace just a tad bit. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” I shake my head no at his question. “Do you want to talk about something good that happened today?” I’m silent at his question. Taking a deep breath, fluttering my eyes shut and trying to focus on speaking properly.

“I-I was able to put to...together an outfit that-that made me feel really masculine today,” I start off, pausing as I felt my voice grow shaky as I spoke. I breathed slowly through my nose and continued. “It-It was a pair of khakis that stopped at my knees, and-and the polo Klaus had given me for my birthday.”

“The light green one with the lemons on it?” I nod in affirmation. My heart swoons at the fact he remembers something as little as that.

“Yeah, I-I was also able to finish the load of homework that the school gave us,” I added. He smiles softly and kisses the top of my head.

“See, I told you you could get it done! I’m so proud of you,” he praises softly, keeping his voice low. He continues to ask me questions about my day, focusing on the positive aspects of it.

With a clear and calm mindset, I know none of that would happen with Five. Sure, it’s happened in the past, but Five’s different - very different considering he can teleport and he’s mentally an old man. I know I can always rely on him when it comes to shit like this. He knows I can be a bit much during times like these, and he knows that I’ll end up looking pretty fucking gross. He doesn’t care though. He’s seen a lot of shit in his life, so a red face covered in tears and snot isn’t gonna bother him. He loves me, and he’s told me this an abundance amount of times.

After helping me clean up, we both lay down on my bed with my back against his chest. He wraps one arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. His chin rest on the top of my head, humming the same soft melody he sang earlier. I felt my eyes droop as a wave of exhaustion came crashing over me. My eyes would fall shut and snap back open as I would realize I was slowly falling asleep, but falling asleep meant I wouldn’t be able to hear his voice anymore.

“Get some sleep, my dear, I’ll be here when you wake,” he mumbled softly. That was the last thing I heard before falling asleep peacefully in his arms with a small smile on my face and a heart full of love.

#trans!male #trans #male reader #x reader #x male reader #five hargreeves imagines #imagines #five hargreeves x reader #five hargreeves #luther hargreeves #diego hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #ben hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #Allison Hargreeves #Umbrella Academy #The Umbrella Academy #body dysphoria #transgender

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citruscisco2 · 5 years

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Crush Imagine: Lazy, Rainy Saturdays

QUICK NOTE: This is written mostly for a female reader who has a crush who is male. I've also tried my best to write this to where the reader has no specific body type - the same goes for the reader's crush.

Key:

- (H/C) is hair color

-(S/T) is skin tone

-(C/N) is crush's name (I mean I guess in this he's your boyfriend)

-(E/C) is eye color

It was a Saturday afternoon, a rainy one to be specific. Thunder rumbled through the air while lightening flickered throughout the grey sky above. The rain pitter-pattered against the rooftop, creating a sense of contentment between me and my lover. The rain always found a way to make me tired. I cherish those days where there was nothing to do but nap and listen to the rainfall, coming in waves of soft to aggressive downpour. Though, too many rainy days just seemed to drain me. I was always tired and gradually grew upset for no reason at all. Maybe it was the lack of energy, the lack of completing tasks around the house, the lack of any sense of achievement.

It was rare nowadays to have a Saturday off ever since (C/N) and I had to start picking up side jobs in order to pay rent as well as bills, not to mention food for the both of us to last more than a day. Might as well take advantage of those days off while you have them. Being a student while trying to work, study, maintain relationships - not just romantic, it takes a toll on you. Sometimes you just need to take a chill-pill, lay down for a while and binge-watch your favorite shows or movies while stuffing your face with comfort food. The two of us laid on the old, semi-comfortable couch that sat in the middle of our conjoined dining and living room with our heads turned to the television watching a purposely comedy titled 'Joe Dirt.' At first, I assumed it was another poorly put together movie that was on a low budget too, though it's clear that it was supposed to be a cheesy, feel-good ending movie. It brought out a few soft chuckles from us, as well as roaring laughter followed by a few tears pricking our eyes while we clutched our aching stomachs. It was coming towards the end of the movie and both of our eyes were occasionally drooping with drowsiness. (C/N) laid on his back while wearing his neon orange hoodie and a pair of sweatpants that I had bought him. His soft, (H/C) brushed against the (S/T) of his forehead while his (E/C) eyes were rested upon the screen of the TV. He didn't bother to move the strands of hair that tickled the skin of his face, for his arms were busy with holding me close to him. I was laying on top of him with the side of my head gently resting against his chest. Normally, I wouldn't be as comfortable with this position as I am currently. I would have felt as if I was crushing him. A couple of months into our relationship, I opened up and expressed these concerns to him when the insecurities of my weight were stronger than currently. Those dreadful thoughts were quickly put to rest as his two (muscular; lanky; etc.) arms wrapped around my body, pulling me close with one of his hands resting on the back of my neck gently while the other remained wrapped around my waist. He pressed the side of my head against his chest (or into the crook of his neck if you're his height or taller than him) as his thumb gently caressed the back of my head comfortingly. I felt his soft lips kiss the top of my head gently as I heard him speak. I'll never forget what he said to me that evening. "Do you hear that?" he whispered, gently squeezing me tighter while running the hand that rested on my waist up and down my sides, from my hips to under where my arm is. My own arms had wrapped around his body, and I grabbed small fistfuls of his shirt as I tried to quiet my loud sniffles. What did I hear? (C/N) stayed quiet to see if I had an answer, or if I would even answer at all. I tried to listen closely to my surroundings, trying to find the source of the noise he was referring to. The only thing I could hear though was the sound of my sniffling and the comforting pounding of his heart. Listening to the sound of his heartbeat always put me at ease. Not having a definite answer, I shrugged silently in return. He sighed and pulled my head away from his chest, tilting my head to where my eyes gazed upon his handsome face. (C/N)'s eyes gazed into my pink and puffy (E/C) ones, giving me a soft and reassuring smile as he moved his hands to cup my face, gently wiping away any salty tears that streamed down my face. "It's my heart beating at a fucking million miles an hour for you." I let out a small laugh as my heart filled with warmth, but my head was still frostbitten from the cold doubts and self-deprecating thoughts. (C/N) shook his head while sighing in disbelief. "I still can't understand why - how you still can't see how beautiful you are, how enchanting you are on the inside, and how stunning you are on the outside. Maybe I never will. I do know, though, how you're feeling, maybe not exactly, but I can relate." I stayed silent as he continued on while silently thanking him for taking the time to really sit down - metaphorically speaking - and having this talk with me. It's not every day someone takes your worries seriously, and it's not every day you find someone who doesn't make a humongous deal over them to the point they end up crossing a line and you no longer have any sort of privacy. It's nice to have it somewhere in the middle. You need to address these thoughts seriously and see how they're affecting that person. Due to these thoughts, is the person trying to find a solution in a dangerous or unhealthy way? Either way, they should still be taken seriously and a healthy solution benefits all parties. Let's not make this seem like an essay for school. I've written enough of those last year. "I, myself, wonder if I'm good enough for you, if I'm strong enough for you, if I deserve you, and the list goes on and on! There will be times where I continuously beat myself up over small things. That bad grade I got on that exam? Wow, I'm an absolute failure. My hair just isn't agreeing with me today? Gotta shave it off." "(C/N) what are yo-" He cut me off before I could finish. He had raised his hand, pointer finger up to signal me that he was in no way finished speaking. Hearing (C/N) speak made me calmer by the second. His soothing voice floated into my hears and made my heart skip a beat. Hearing about his own insecurities cracked my heart bit by bit with every word. How could such an amazing person feel this way? Why couldn't he see that I find him to be the most perfect man that I've laid my eyes upon? It dawned upon me that I was feeling the exact way he was feeling. We both couldn't understand why we couldn't love ourselves for the way we are. To be frank, we know that no one is perfect, but we want to be the best person for the ones we love. "I want you yo know that I love you more than you could ever comprehend. I love your hair, your smile, your kindness, your intelligence, and your body. You absolutely drive me wild with a simple smile baby. I'll try to keep this as PG and as sweet as possible," we both let out a small laugh at his comment. Even when he's trying to be serious, he always finds a way to make me laugh. God, I love that dork. "Now, I may be just a simple guy who's just trying to make it in life, but I can promise you that I'm going to try my damn hardest to make you feel as if you're the queen of the world." I playfully scrunched up my nose. "Ew, no, that's too much fucking responsibility." He let out a loud, roaring laugh, tossing his head back as his eyes fluttered shut. He sighed and flashed be a heart-throbbing smile as he looked down at me with love completely filling his eyes. "There's my girl. My beautiful, lovely girl," (C/N) mutters softly, leaning down and gently kissed my forehead. I blush at his words and playfully hit his chest. "Oh shut up, you dork!" I let out a loud squeal as his fingers dug into my sides, tickling me. "You better take that back, you brat!" He exclaimed while laughing. My knees buckled and my legs collapsed out from underneath me as his hands traveled from my sides to my stomach. This would be the start of the many discussion we would have about my insecurities, but he assured me that he didn't mind reminding me of how beautiful he thinks I am. Here we are now, cuddled up on a ratty brown couch, yet we're happy nonetheless. As I laid on top of him, his one hand was gently placed on my upper back, while the other was wrapped tightly around my waist. His hand was clenched into a fist as he had a grip on the hoodie I was wearing, which was also his. Both of my arms were curled tightly against my chest, sandwiching them between us. It most definitely wasn't the most comfortable position, but I didn't care and I didn't dare move. I let out a soft whimper after releasing a big yawn, grabbing (C/N)'s attention at the slight movement. He looked down at my tired forms with his own sleep-deprived eyes and chuckled softly. His grip tightened around me as I felt his soft lips kiss the top of my head. "I think it's about time we both head to bed," he mumbled. His words were slurred and his eyes drooped as he spoke due to exhaustion. (C/N) reached for the TV remote, his hand missing it the first time before he turned the TV off. As he pushed himself up into a sitting position, my head was gently pushed from his chest to his lap. He laughed as I continued to lay there and refuse to move. "Come on sleepyhead," he joked while ruffling my hair. My nose scrunched up and I let out a whine, both from him screwing up my already tangled hair and the thought of moving from my comfortable position - now that my arms weren't crushed between the two of us. I rolled onto my back and looked up at him. "But I don't wanna move!" I complained while pouting childishly. The sound of him talking could put me to sleep, which means I'd end up falling asleep on the uncomfortable ass couch and hate myself in the morning. (C/N) laughed at my misery and carefully slid my head off of his lap and onto the couch before standing up and stretching, groaning as he popped a few joints and cracked his back while doing so. "In that case, don't you worry your pretty little head," he reassured before surprising me by sliding his arms under the middle of my back and behind my knees before scooping me into a bridal style position. This has got to be a dream. My eyes widened in shock and let out a loud yelp. My legs flailed slightly while my arms automatically seemed to find their way wrapped around (C/N)'s neck, causing him to let out an amused laugh. After readjusting his grip, he carefully makes his way over to our shared bedroom. I felt safe in his hold. As he walked, the side of my head fell against his while my eyes would slowly droop shut only to shoot open. As much as I'd love to fall asleep in (C/N)'s arms, I'd much rather sleep in a bed for once. He seemed to notice my attempts at keeping myself awake and let out an amused huff of air. He laid me down on the bed and softly pecked my forehead. "Get some sleep, we both need it." I let out a small yawn and nodded, stripping off my sweatpants and hoodie before slipping on one of (C/N)'s shirts - which he had handed to me. He stripped off his own hoodie as well. We didn't have the best working AC in the bedroom and we don't wanna end up sweating a shit ton in the night, so we opted to sleep with light, loose clothing or none at all. "I know, I know. I just wanna fall asleep in be for once instead of that damn couch," I replied while laying down after crawling under the sheets. He too crawls under the sheets after me while laughing, laying down on his side while I lay on my stomach. We face each other. (C/N) lays one arm across my lower back and his hand gently grips my waist, pulling me close against him. "Maybe that's because you study there the majority of the time and end up falling asleep while reading, working, or binge-watching The Office for the millionth time." I roll my eyes at his words. "For the record, it's a great show, and it's not my fault that Jim Halpert is one of the sexiest men alive." "You mean John Krasinski?" "No, Jim Halpert. Ya' know, any time I see John Krasinski in any other movie, I'm always thinking, yep, that's Jim Halpert. Fun fact, I used to think his last name was Krisanski, like spelled with an 'I' instead of an 'A' at the beginning of it and flip-flopped in the middle of it. I guess I just never really took a good look at the spelling. Makes sense cause I never fucking made it to the Spelling Bee. Then again, that's probably because I didn't wanna be in it. Too much fucking anxiety and pressure." I ramble on while laughing a bit at my own words. (C/N) laughs as well at my rambling and presses his soft lips against the skin of my forehead while grinning, sighing softly after. "See, this is why I fucking love you," he mumbles raspily, his voice sounding lethargic, yet I'm still able to pick up how affectionately he speaks to me. I raised an eyebrow. "You love my obsession with Jim Halpert?" "No, dummy," he laughs while playfully flicking my forehead, causing me to wince at the tiny amount of pain and pout. "I love it when you ramble on about things you like and you're overall passionate about. Maybe it's because I just like hearing your voice - no, that's definitely it." I feel butterflies flutter around in my stomach as his sweet words and couldn't help but smile softly up at him. I shifted myself to where I'm resting on my side and reached up to cup his cheek. We're silent for a while, just admiring one another. Inside, I wanna crawl away from his intense gaze as insecurities rise, but I'm sure (C/N)'s feeling the same way. "Ya' know, that's one of the things I love most about you. You actually take the time to listen to all of the weird shit I have to say, even when it doesn't make any sense. You remember all of my likes and dislikes - mostly because I talk about them over and over. You also take better care of me than I can care for myself." At the end of my rambling, (C/N)'s (S/T) cheeks were dusted pink and a grin as stretched across his face. Our eyes fluttered shut as he leans forward and kisses me softly. It feels as if I'm on cloud nine as our lips intertwine together. It's slow, loving, and beautiful. As the kiss speeds and heats up, he pulls me on top of him while he lays on his back. My hands rest on his chest while his own move towards my hips, gripping the soft flesh with his large, strong hands. I straddle his waist and let out a soft moan as his kisses decrescendo into soft pecks, traveling their way down my jaw to the sensitive skin of my neck. (C/N) lets out a small chuckle at the sound and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling away to look up at me with tired, love-struck eyes. "As much as I'd love to continue this, I know you're tired as hell, and so am I." I let out a soft laugh and nodded in agreement, laying down on top of him with my head resting on his chest. "I feel ya' on that level," I muttered sleepily. (C/N) gently kisses the top o my head and pulls the blankets over us, making sure it's nice and snug around us. "I love you," I mumbled quietly ad my eyes droop shut. "I love you too, darling," he mutters back, equally tired. Our breathing slows down as we both drift into a slumber, dreaming about one another.

#crush #boyfriend #original #crush imagines #boyfriend imagines #crush one shots #boyfriend one shots #crush x reader #boyfriend x reader #love #romance #male crush #male boyfriend #female reader

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