#AND MY BPD SELF LOATHING | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thatluckyrabbiit · 2 years

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ITS ME, HI, IM THE PROBLEM ITS ME

#MY FAV SONG OFF MIDNIGHTS BY FAR BECAUSE GODDAMN #ITS ME #AND MY BPD SELF LOATHING #OOF #taylor swift #anti hero #cause like #i was the problem in the past and i know that now and ive known that for the last few years #i am the anti hero #m a n #still feeling like a bad person and accepting you cant change the past #goddamn it tAYLOR #she really reached into my brain with this one #but also claiming the title in a way?? like #yeah some people see me as the bad guy in past situations and i cant change their minds so #yeah im the problem its me #owning it

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lakrimasx · 7 months

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I want someone to take me to a better life, where I don’t have to worry about anything

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howlovelyhana · 6 months

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The borderlined life excerpt nine from my poetry book:

I think of death often. The thought greets me every morning as my eyelids flutter open and kisses me goodnight before I sleep, death meets me where no one else has, in the total abyss of my mind. It tells me to surrender to the peace only it can provide me, and I dance with the idea. What would it feel like to be freed from my mind forever? There is a comfort I know I will never find anywhere else, an alluring sense of serenity I have searched for my whole life. I became death, the way it became me.

#bpd #bpd poetry #tw sui ideation #tw sui implied #bpd diary #bpd help #bpd thoughts #bpd support #bpd awareness #bpd triggers #bpd traits #tw sucidal ideation #tw bpd #tw bpd vent #tw sui talk #tw sui vent #tw self loathing #i hate my brain #bpd stuff

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a-nybodys · 8 months

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ed so very clearly was going through a DEEP ass manic episode with the whole talent show thing to the point that he has no recollection of it, and i for one think thats so fucking tasty

#my beautiful baby girl with bpd <3 #the disorder cocktail hes got going thru his brain is so fascinating to me #bpd FOR SURE but also absolutely adhd and of course a heaping dose of ptsd #all of that adding up to wild depressive and manic episodes and self loathing #and to top it all off #hes got such big and beautiful brown baby cow eyes!!!!!!#idk if im making sense i just truly love having such a fantastic mentally ill character who has clear depictions of mental illness #and is still seen as the main romantic lead!!!!! hes beautiful and stede loves him no matter what!!!!! its so lovely!!!!!!!!#thanks for coming to my ted talk #ofmd spoilers

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liesmultixxx · 8 months

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Love is nowhere (for me)

it’s dark

it’s unseemly

but maybe it’s just right

for a demon like me

the dark is my home

i revel in self pity

and my daily plight

is about how i get by

knowing i am what i am

it is immutable, it can’t be changed

nowhere is everywhere and it’s nowhere for me

all the demons travel in packs yet i am alone

i was created, my master is my self-hatred

i am what i think i am

it burdens me, it is my cross to bear

but the others, they do not care

to them, i am a querulous child

who can’t be bothered to fight

overburdened by the pain of life

if feeling like this is so wrong

why is it the only thing i know?

they scold me, call me weak

i am fighting my battles my own way

why can’t you see?

i suppose the demon will be neglected

and love doesn’t exist

it is nowhere in my life

it can’t be fixed

it really makes you see

that the monster in frankenstein

was merely seeking love and affection

what a crime

we’re all capable of

such a shame it never comes to be

love is nowhere

but especially for me

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bl33ditout · 5 months

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so tired of being this way. i'm so sorry

#i wish i was better than this #every time i try to fix my bad habits or make strides to 'glow up' it all just comes toppling down #guess i shouldn't be so critical of myself but it's hard man #i don't accept failure easily #i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry #i know how i'm so unlikable now and i hate myself for that god i really do #tw vent #personal #tw mental illness #tw bpd #tw self loathing

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skyteglad · 2 years

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the desire for people to stop diagnosing their abusers with stigmatized disorders when they are literally not a psychologist and most abusers literally do not care about psychology or therapy at all 😩 they don’t care about getting help, so how do YOU know they have this disorder without using stigma as a basis?

#i keep seeing a lot of talk about 'narcassistic abuse' and people diagnosing every abuser in their life w npd and #LIKE YES SOME PROBABLY HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED BUT YOU'RE JUST DIAGNOSING THEM USING STIGMA. THAT'S... THAT'S CRUEL LMAO.#saw a post calling everyone w npd an abuser and being the cause of people w bpd and its like... honey...#my abuser who caused my bpd? she doesn't have npd. afaik she hasn't seen a fucking psychologist since she was 16 because she doesn't care #abt therapy. a lot fo abusers.... DON'T CARE ABOUT THERAPY OR GETTING HELP.#you can BE abusive without Abusive Personality Disorder tm (WHICH ISN'T A FUCKING TIHNG BTW.)#it's so gross please guys don't speculate on people's mental health some people are perfectly neurotypical and functional...#and are jsut abusive as shit!#you don't need a mental illness to be abusive and THINKING like that is going to end with you thinking incredibly ableistly!!!#grumbles a lot #things i love value and support: self diagnosis!#things i loathe despise and hate: diagnosing others when you aren't using good faith.#sorry for rambling i'm just so mad dghfkjdkd 'everyone w bpd has bpd bc of people w npd' shut the fuck up are you kidding me kffghdkhgj #i wasn't abused with 'narcassistic abuse' as a child i was abused with physical and emotional abuse. the other thing isn't a fucking thing.#when i WAS abused with what fits 'narcassistic abuse' - it was fucking emotional abuse my guy. that's what it is. the listing of everything #you claim is this is actually fitting into emotional abuse. idk if they have npd i dont CARE if they have npd i only CARE #that i had been abused and harmed. their mental health means NOTHING to me now because they shouldn't have done what #they did no matter what and it isnt an excuse OR an explanation!!! thank you -bows-#riot.txt #i forgot all of my text tags so i hoppe that's the right one

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daz4i · 1 year

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in my "oh god i am unlovable no one can truly know me beyond a mask i put on and still love or even so much as like me no one can ever know me or they're all gonna leave me" era

#you know how it is! we've all been there #negative //#self loathing is in the house tonight. everybody's just having a bad time #bpd really acting up lately lol idk if it's the not-really-break-up or the pills or a combination. or just my brain being dumb

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xan-the-emo-trans-man · 1 year

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I’m getting back into the era where I hate my face and hate even just having a body :///

Guess it was bound to happen, I’ve been confident for way too long

#mental illness #Anxiety #self hatred #body dysmorphia #bpd #i hate my body #hate just being me #Depression #self loathing

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cocospoetrybook · 1 year

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mirror - an original poem

my body no longer feels like my own,

i dont know whos it is or who it belongs to,

but it’s certainly not mine,

it feels foreign to me

made up of skin that hugs too tight

and bones that feel too heavy

i no longer recorgnise me when i look in the mirror

i see a plethora of different parts of me that i individually can tell are mine

the hair i died,

the face i peirced,

the small scar on my left eye from when i was a child that you can only see if you look closely enough,

but if i stop looking at the individual parts of me and look at me whole it becomes void of myself again

if i look in the mirror for too long it becomes lost on me again,

i don’t recognise me again

if you stuck me in a room with a past version of myself,

i truely dont think she would know who i am,

if you then told her i think she would be disappointed,

i think i might be held hostage here,

my actions don’t feel like my own

my reactions feel like they are coming from someone else

my bad choices feel someone is making them to punish me while i feel incapable of stopping them,

i dont feel like myself,

i dont feel like my own person,

i feel controlled by something bigger then who i am

but i know realistically it is still me,

i made me look this way,

i make me act this way,

i have no one else to blame it on,

i hate who i am

and i wish i was still someone else

#depressing poem #bpd #bipolar #self loathing #poetry writing #poems and poetry #my poems

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lakrimasx · 7 months

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Mommy issues do terrible things to teenage girls

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silience23 · 1 year

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I decide that you must hate me

But that isn't fair to you

Because you are not a hateful person

I hate to think that you could ever become hateful of me

#my writing #poetry #poets on tumblr #words #writers #quotes #sad poetry #fear #love #self loathing #love poetry #relationships #bpd attachment

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dysphoresque · 2 years

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I was never whole in the first place, maybe that's where everything wrong came from.

As a child I was defined by my need to fit in, to not make my mother mad, to make my father smile. To dance when my grandfather asks me to, despite the ache in my belly, i swayed my hips with fervent enthusiasm, they love it especially when it seems like my ribs will break, and never did. It meant i was flexible and special. So despite the pain i learned to smile through it. I was pretty good. Even when i didn't want to, i sang the highest notes of my father's favorite song until my throat feels scratchy and my voice cracked. Now as an adult i can't sing without my throat closing up, it turns out i overused my voice as a child for the pleasure of my parents.

I have always been a performer, even as a little child.

As i grew up i learned to rearrange my pieces to fit the world without knowledge that i'm doing it, over and over, as many times as i have to. It's almost natural. Maybe that's why i was friends with everyone, feeling utterly alienated at the same time, i drift from friend groups to another, an expert at shifting my manner of talking as i play my part. My dread is having to watch every world i created collide, i can't face my different friend groups in the same room, i am a walking contradiction.

I don't exist outside the parts i play. If somebody asked me what my favourite song is, i will panic, 'it has to be something they would like too' i would think, so i will just say i have none, after all, i'm as much a stranger to myself as i am to everyone. Sometimes i don't even know if this sadness is my own, or a projection created to make me feel like a person. I'm a mirror, reflecting the light of everyone near me, i have no colour of my own, so when at last alone with no light to reflect, i am left with a resounding empty blackness. I am particles of the negative traits of my mother and my father, a glued up composition of the pretty pieces picked up from every person i wanted to be, patched with the hands of victor frankenstein. I am just other people, my skin made of grafts and stitches, my heart empty and full at the same time. pretending to be real, i am a masterful liar.

I never was whole. Maybe that's where everything wrong came from. Or maybe it's my desire to be loved that brought forth my impending downfall.

#self loathing #actually bpd #bpd #i hate myself #mirroring #when taylor said i'm a mirrorball i took it personally #i can change everything about me to fit in #i'm a mirrorball i'll show you every version of yourself #mirrorball #if i can define myself does that mean i still have a personality of my own

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skeleton-monarch · 2 years

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hi tumblr you’re getting my ramblings for now. sorry.

#i’m going insane lol #gnawing at the bars of my cage etc #really bad episode of self loathing. hate it.#i feel really selfish and shitty and idk what to do about it #because i’m not able to do any of my healthy coping mechanisms rn #so usually i’d go for distraction #but nothing is holding my attention #i don’t think i’m gonna do anything stupid but tonight is going to be miserable lol #i really wish my brain was normal #my thoughts are slipping around as if covered in soap #it’s unpleasant #nothing is sticking and i’m losing time reallt bad #im just. yeah. it’s rough i’m trying to ride the wave #i’m scared. but. yknow. yeah #whatever it’s whatever #i know my mind is just doing the bpd thing but there’s this thought it won’t let go of and i’m so scared

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miragemage · 4 months

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mmm i love breakfast (two pickles, exacrly 13 almonds, cup of black coffee with a teaspoon of dark cocoa powder)

#mental health taking a nose dive for real #i had four pieces of pizza last night #which i know is like a normal amount of pizza to have #some people can clear a whole pie of pizza okay it's normal #but for me it feels like the end of the world #there's so much shame wrapped up in eating so so much guilt and self loathing #and i know i need therapy Really Really badly but i have no fucking idea where to get it #my last therapist did not help me at all and i think she sort of realized she couldn't help me #not that i brought up the e/atingdis:order with her at all because she seemed super focused on the BPD #buh. AGH. AAAARRRHHGGGHHHGG

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fanghearted · 6 months

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people on quora learned the term covert narcissist and ain’t shut the fuck up since

#bpd vent #actually bpd #trust me my self loathing is genuine

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