#but its fucking with my Routine which my autism is not happy about so I’m. struggling to move from my seat and get food.

[badolmen]

Help girl the writing hyperfixation is trying to kill me.

#ra speaks #personal #good news: I am writing soooo much !!!! like thousands of words a day #but its fucking with my Routine which my autism is not happy about so I’m. struggling to move from my seat and get food. #edit: okay. got a microwave dinner that had pasta chicken and broccoli so like. my grandmas ghost isn’t going to hunt me for not eating #a full meal. but I REALLY need to use up my apples the next few days :/ #wish I had the spoons to actually eat more tonight I hate eating I hate being hungry whyyyyy isn’t there a more efficient way to fuel up

[whencartoonsruletheworld]

Disney Songs That Hit Different™ When You’re Autistic, a full Spotify Playlist

Open to updates should anyone notice a song I missed!

Tracklist and specific lyrics that fuck me up under the cut: 

The World Above - The Little Mermaid Broadway Production

“It’s like my life was wrong And somehow, now, at last I’m in My own skin Up here in the world above!”

“The sun’s so bright here Upon my face! It feels so right here Warm as love... Life seems to be Almost calling to me...” - stimmy 

Belle - Beauty and the Beast 

“The bookshop. I just finished the most wonderful story. About a beanstalk and an ogre and a—” - y’all ever been interrupted on an infodump and then realize nobody cared? yeah that feeling 

“Look there she goes, that girl is strange, no question Dazed and distracted, can't you tell? Never part of any crowd Cause her head's up on some cloud No denying she’s a funny girl, that Belle...”

“[That one? But you've read it twice!] It's my favorite. Far-off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in disguise...” - SPECIAL INTEREST 

“Look there she goes, that girl is so peculiar I wonder if she's feeling well With a dreamy, far-off look And her nose stuck in a book What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle...”

“Oh, isn't this amazing? It's my favorite part because you'll see Here's where she meets Prince Charming But she won't discover that it's him till chapter three...” - IF NOBODY LISTENS TO MY INFODUMP I SHALL INFODUMP TO SHEEP

“But behind that fair façade I'm afraid she's rather odd Very diff'rent from the rest of us She's nothing like the rest of us...”

More - deleted song from Moana

honestly the entire song is a bit “want to break off and learn about special interest / be in my own world / be myself” mood 

“The other kids just dance and play How can you play? There's so much out there to explore...”

“She stares at the sky, she stumbles down the beaches She mumbles all the names that her Gramma Tala teaches With one foot here and another in a distant past She’s growing up too fast...”

Part of Your World - The Little Mermaid 

not only a BIG SPECIAL INTEREST MOOD... big “i don’t belong here” mood...

“Look at this trove, treasures untold How many wonders can one cavern hold? Looking around here, you'd think Sure, she's got everything” “I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty I've got whooz-its and whats-its galore You want thing-a-mabobs? I've got twenty But who cares? No big deal. I want more!”

“Betcha on land, they understand Bet they don't reprimand their daughters Bright young women, sick of swimmin', Ready to stand...”

“When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love, Love to explore that shore up above?”

More Than Just the Spare - deleted song from Frozen 

“I'm not part of the town, not born to be queen Just somebody hopelessly in-between She's the scholar, athlete, poet I'm the screw up, don't I know it...”

“I may lack style and I may lack grace And once in a while I fall on my face But this little button deserves a place in the sky This button wants to fly- Wait, buttons can't fly, it doesn't make any sense!”

“And maybe I can't be the perfect one And maybe I err on the side of fun...”

“Someday I'll find my thing, a thing that's all my own That thing that makes me part of something, not just all alone If only all this feeling I have in my heart, could mean something to someone, how I'd love to play that part!”

“Like a button, like a horseshoe Like a girl who's bad at metaphors!”

Proud of Your Boy - Aladdin Broadway Production 

“So say I'm slow for my age A late bloomer, Okay, I agree...”

“But I'll get over these lousin' up Messin' up, screwin' up times You'll see, Ma, now comes the better part Someone's gonna make good, cross his stupid heart Make good and finally make you proud of your boy...”

“Say I'm a goldbrick, a good-off, no good But that couldn't be all that I am...”

“Though I can't make myself taller Or smarter or handsome or wise I'll do my best, what else can I do? Since I wasn't born perfect like Dad or you Mom, I will try to try hard to make you Proud of your boy...”

Let Me Make You Proud - Tangled: The Series

“Maybe I make things a mess And maybe you're right to have doubts in me Maybe, but nevertheless If you for once could just trust me...”

“And when I return And I'm more than you dreamt I'd be Maybe then you will realize That you never actually knew me at all...”

“Cause I long for that look of surprise When you see your son rising at last...”

Almost There - The Princess and the Frog 

“Ain't got time for messin' around And it's not my style...”

“But I know exactly where I'm going Getting closer and closer every day...”

“People down here think I'm crazy But I don't care Trials and tribulations, I've had my share...”

Home - deleted song from Frozen 2 

BIG routine song

“Wandering through the town with everyone doing all of their stuff Somewhere in my heart I feel I've not yet done enough For these people I know, this place that I love so...”

“I know how fragile things can be. If I lost them, I'd lose me They're my ocean, they're my shore. I wanna give them more...”

In a World of My Own / Very Good Advice - mashup cover of Alice in Wonderland 

“They would sit and talk to me for hours When I'm lonely in a world of my own...”

“I could listen to a babbling brook And hear a song that I could understand I keep wishing it could be that way Because my world would be a wonderland...”

“I give myself very good advice But I very seldom follow it That explains the trouble that I'm always in...”

“Be patient is very good advice But the waiting makes me curious And I'd love the change Should something strange begin...”

“Will I ever learn to do the things I should?” 

Reflection - Mulan

“Now I see that if I were truly to be myself I would break my family's heart...”

“Somehow I cannot hide Who I am, though I've tried...”

“How I pray that a time will come I can free myself from their expectations On that day, I'll discover someway to be myself And to make my family proud...”

“They want a docile lamb, no-one knows who I am Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide? Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?”

If I Wasn’t So Small - Piglet’s Big Movie 

“It's not as if I want to rule the world Or even the forest, or even one tree I suppose I could be happy, if I could be helpful With just a little bit of noticing me...”

“I'd be needed and useful More each passing day...”

Jack’s Lament - The Nightmare Before Christmas 

“Oh somewhere deep inside of these bones An emptiness began to grow There's something out there far from my home A longing that I've never known...”

Everything I Ever Thought I Knew - Tangled: The Series

“I thought no one could love me And how could I have known? I was wrong, oh so wrong...” “Then I thought I found it, a dream that I could share I thought I was so lucky, it almost wasn't fair I thought I knew my purpose, I thought that I knew where I belong But I was wrong...”

“Now that it's all crumbling, help me understand If none of it was really me then who am I supposed to be?”

“I guess my life meant nothing I guess it was a sham I guess I'm someone else now I wonder who I am...”

I’ll Try - Return to Neverland

“I am not a child now I can take care of myself I mustn't let them down now Mustn't let them see me cry...”

“My whole world is changing I don't know where to turn I can't leave you waiting But I can't stay and watch the city burn...”

Waiting in the Wings (Reprise) - Tangled: The Series

“I craved so much, and yet I kept on waiting One glance, one touch, and I just kept on waiting...”

Waiting in the Wings - Tangled: The Series 

“Guess we all are born with parts to play Some of us are stars, and some are just in the way I know I was meant for glory But that's never what my story brings And yet I keep on waiting...”

“When you have the passion and the drive You expect your moment centre stage to arrive I show up with heart ablazing Ready to achieve amazing things But I'm left waiting in the wings...”

“It's always someone else who sings While I'm left waiting in the wings...”

“Always overlooked unfairly, while pretending that it barely stings But it stings, yes, it stings...” 

I’m Still Here (Jim Theme) - Treasure Planet

“I am a question to the world, not an answer to be heard Or a moment that's held in your arms...”

“And how can you learn what's never shown Yeah, you stand here on your own They don't know me, cause I'm not here...”

“And I want to tell you who I am Can you help me be a man? They can't break me As long as I know who I am...”

“They can't tell me who to be Cause I'm not what they see Yeah, the world is still sleeping While I keep on dreaming for me And their words are just whispers and lies That I'll never believe...”

“And I want a moment to be real Want to touch things I don't feel Wanna hold on, and feel I belong And how can you say I'll never change They're the ones that stay the same I'm the one now Cause I'm still here!”

God Help the Outcasts - The Hunchback of Notre Dame 

“Yes, I know I'm just an outcast I shouldn't speak to You Still, I see Your face and wonder Were You once an outcast, too?”

“God help the outcasts, hungry from birth Show them the mercy they don't find on earth God help my people - we look to You, still God help the outcasts or nobody will...”

“Please help my people, the poor and downtrod I thought we all were the children of God?”

So Close - Enchanted 

honestly the entirety of enchanted is an autism mood but, 

“So close to reaching That famous happy end Almost believing This one's not pretend...”

Into the Unknown - cover of Frozen 2

“There's a thousand reasons I should go about my day And ignore your whisper which I wish would go away...”

“I’ve had my adventure, I don’t need something new...”

“Or are you someone out there who's a little bit like me? Who knows deep down I'm not where I am really meant to be?“

“Are you out there? [Do you know me?]  Can you feel me? Can you show me?”

Someone’s Waiting For You - The Rescuers 

“Don't cry, little one There'll be a smile where a frown use to be You'll be part of the love that you see...”

Sally’s Song - The Nightmare Before Christmas 

“I sense there's something in the wind That feels like tragedy's at hand And though I'd like to stand by him Can't shake this feeling that I have...”

“Although I'd like to join the crowd In their enthusiastic cloud Try as I may, it doesn't last...”

Someday - The Hunchback of Notre Dame Off-Broadway Production 

“Someday, when we are wiser When the world's older, when we have learned I pray someday we may yet live To live and let live...”

“Someday, these dreams will all be real Til then we'll wish upon the moon Change will come, one day  Someday soon...”

Where Do I Go From Here - Pocahontas II: Journey to a New World

“They do what they must for now And trust in their plan If I trust in mine, somehow I might find who I am...”

“The path ahead's so hard to see It winds and bends but where it ends Depends on only me In my heart I don't feel part of so much I've known Now it seems it's time to start A new life on my own...”

Wherever You Are - Pooh’s Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin 

“I'm out here in the dark, all alone and wide awake Come and find me I'm empty and I'm cold, and my heart's about to break Come and find me...”

“I need you to come here and find me Cause without you, I'm totally lost I've hung a wish on every star It hasn't done much good so far...”

“I used to believe in forever, But forever’s too good to be true...”

Belle (Reprise) - Beauty and the Beast 

“And for once it might be grand To have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned...”

Endless Night - The Lion King Broadway Production 

“Home is an empty dream Lost to the night Father, I feel so alone...”

“I know that the night must end I know that the sun will rise...”

Set Yourself Free - Tangled: The Series 

“Locked inside a tower, kept behind a wall Sheltered from a world you’ve barely known That’s the way they treat you...”

“There's much more inside of you than anyone can see And now the choice is yours, life waits beyond the doors So step on through, the time has come And only you can set yourself free!”

“So use the gifts you're given Make the world your own Look inside your heart and find the key...”

“Bound up by your worries Trapped by your mistakes Forced to play a role you never chose...”

“No more letting someone else define you to a T You know that you are strong You've known it all along...”

Let it Go - Frozen Broadway Production

“The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried Don't let them in, don't let them see Be the good girl you always have to be Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know Well, now they know!”

“I don't care what they're going to say Let the storm rage on The cold never bothered me anyway...”

“It’s time to see what I can do  To test the limits and break through  No right, no wrong, no rules for me  I’m free!”

“Let it go, let it go And I’ll rise like the break of dawn! Let it go, let it go  That perfect girl is gone!”

How Far I’ll Go (Reprise) - Moana 

“All that time wondering where I need to be is behind me I'm on my own to worlds unknown...”

Colors of the Wind - Pocahontas 

“You think the only people who are people Are the people who look and think like you But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger You'll learn things you never knew, you never knew...”

Strangers Like Me - Tarzan 

when u meet another autistic person.... 

“Whatever you do, I'll do it, too Show me everything and tell me how It all means something And yet nothing to me...”

“I can see there's so much to learn It's all so close and yet so far I see myself as people see me Oh, I just know there's something bigger out there...”

Beyond My Wildest Dreams - The Little Mermaid Broadway Production 

“Look over there! Oh my god! How very odd! And what might they be? Something splendid, maybe! Look over here! Could you bust? Isn't it just bedazzling, dazing, utterly amazing! Gazing 'round, it's like, to die! Just seeing it feels so good, I'd scream if I only could!”

“Just keeps on gawking- Weird how she's not talking!”

“I'd hoped and wished My life would feel enchanted! Wished and prayed The fates would hear my plea...”

Watch What Happens - Newsies Broadway Production 

“’Write what you know’ So they say, all I know is I don't know what to write Or the right way to write it...”

“It could practically write itself And let's pray it does, cause as I may have mentioned I have no clue what I'm doing!”

“Speak up, take a stand, and there's someone to write about it That's how things get better...”

[also. the squeal.]

“Like someone said, "Power tends to corrupt" And absolute power, wait, wait, corrupts? Absolutely, that is genius! But give me some time, I'll be twice as good as that six months from never...”

“Just look around at the world we're inheriting And think of the one we'll create...”

“Give those kids and me the brand new century and watch what happens It's David and Goliath, do or die The fight is on and I can't watch what happens But all I know is nothing happens if you just give in It can't be any worse than how it's been And it just so happens that we just might win So whatever happens, let's begin!”

Son of Man - Tarzan 

“Oh, the power to be strong and the wisdom to be wise All these things will come to you in time On this journey that you're making, there'll be answers that you'll seek And it's you who'll climb the mountain It's you who'll reach the peak...”

“Though there's no one there to guide you, no one to take your hand But with faith and understanding You will journey from boy to man...”

“In learning you will teach and in teaching you will learn You'll find your place beside the ones you love Oh, and all the things you dreamed of, the visions that you saw Well, the time is drawing near now It's yours to claim it all!”

Strange Sight - Tinkerbell and the Legend of the Neverbeast 

“You stand in the light You're wrong, but you're right And my heart's beating wildly Strange how I'm scared but delighted Afraid, but excited too!”

“Do you long to be left all alone? Set apart with a heart made of stone? Let me help, let's begin Let me learn, won't you let me in? All the light, let it show...”

“You are a strange sight, some new kind of wonder With good hidden under, I'm sure that it's true Strange how your dark doesn't faze me...”

Wind in My Hair - Tangled: The Series 

“What if the doors began to open? What if the knots became untied? What if one day, nothing stood in my way And the world was mine?”

“Plenty of mysteries to unravel Tons of mistakes to not regret So much to see, and to do and to be A whole life to spend And it doesn't end...”

For a Moment - The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea 

“This way is left, but which way is right? Well, now I'll be circling in circles all night...” - direction problems amirite

“This is more than my thoughts ever thought it could be For a moment, just a moment, lucky me...”

“For a moment, I can feel, All the dreams I've been dreaming are real, Wish my mother could hear it, the sea is my song For a moment, just a moment I belong...”

Speechless - Aladdin 2019 Remake

i would like to send this song to autism $peaks (hate group) underlined in red and with a photo attached of me with a middle finger up 

“Here comes a wave meant to wash me away A tide that is taking me under Swallowing sand, left with nothing to say. My voice drowned out in the thunder...”

“Written in stone, every rule, every word Centuries old and unbending ‘Stay in your place, better seen and not heard.’ Well, now that story is ending!”

“Let the storm in! I cannot be broken! No, I won't live unspoken! Cause I know that I won't go speechless!”

“Try to lock me in this cage! I won't just lay me down and die! I will take these broken wings And watch me burn across the sky!”

“I won't be silenced! Though you wanna see me tremble when you try it, All I know is I won't go speechless, speechless! Cause I'll breathe when they try to suffocate me! Don't you underestimate me! Cause I know that I won't go speechless!”

Show Yourself - Frozen 2 

the siren call... stimmy

“Something is familiar, like a dream I can reach but not quite hold I can sense you there, like a friend I've always known I'm arriving, it feels like I am home...”

“I have always been a fortress Cold secrets deep inside...”

“Are you the one I've been looking for all of my life? Show yourself! I'm ready to learn...”

“I've never felt so certain! All my life, I've been torn But I'm here for a reason- could it be the reason I was born? I have always been so different, normal rules did not apply Is this the day? Are you the way I finally find out why?”

“I am found!”

“You are the one you've been waiting for All of your life...”

Here I Am - Camp Rock 

“They tell you a good girl is quiet and that you should never ask why Cause it only makes it harder to fit in And you should be happy, excited, even if you're just invited Cause the winners need someone to clap for them...”

“It's so hard just waiting in a line that never moves It's time you started making your own rules...”

“If how you’re living isn't working there's one thing that'll help You got to finally just stop searching and find yourself...”

“The world better make some room Yea move over, over Cause you’re coming through!”

“You gotta scream until there's nothing left With your last breath Say here I am! Here I am! Make em listen Cause there is no way you'll be ignored Not anymore...”

Us Against the Universe - Phineas and Ferb: The Movie - Candace Against the Universe

“I used to feel alone, just me against the raging tide, But I guess I should've known that you were always on my side. Now I don't have to be an island, cause you've been there all the while, and Now I realize my fears weren't justified!”

“Cause as long as we're together, We can stand and face whatever Kind of trouble this world tries to put us in. If you're out there on your own, You just might take it on the chin Cause if it's us against the universe, we win!”

#disney #autism #autistic #actually autistic #disney songs #mine

[crimeronan]

i wanna hear more about your headcanon of declan as autistic (no pressure! only if u want to)

oh ariana we’re really in it now

not all of these bullet points are specifically related to autism bc this just turned into a post about how fond i am of declan.  however.  autistic declan lynch rights here we go

speech

declanisms

really, keeping a list of action-based conversation starters to meet your goals that all sound like something a caricature of a high-level business executive would say... honey

memorizing clever turns of phrase and the cadence of storytelling

and refusing to ever use this love of language in public lest it make him vulnerable or ruin anything he’s built

having practiced regulating his vocal tone and inflection to make them both as normal and as free of personality as possible

being unable to modulate his vocal tone and inflection when he’s Not actively concentrating on regulating them - speaking impulsively from a place of upset, getting excited about things, etc

physicality

having also practiced his physicality to appear as unthreatening and unobtrusive as possible

mirroring strangers, casual acquaintances, criminal associates

actively schooling himself not to talk with his hands; natural storytelling comes with gesturing and physical involvement

having pleasant conversations and being pleasant to exist around while managing to have absolutely no friends

anxious stomachaches

nervous tics

refusing to allow himself comfortable clothing or a comfortable living space despite seeming to want these things

deciding he can have nice shoes, as a treat (doesn’t have anything to do with neurodivergence i just think it’s cute)

internal emotions

Everything Is Horrible, All The Time, But That’s Fine Because That’s Just How Life Is For Me And I’ve Accepted It

deeply unhappy, deeply bored, deeply exhausted, deeply terrified

given up on dreams and ambitions because they will never be accessible to someone like him (one of those things that in-narrative isn’t autism-related, but sure can be a hashtag relatable feel)

happiness, excitement, joy, any positive emotions are all “dangerous” because they represent a loss of control

zero to one hundred IMMEDIATELY in terms of anger, manic excitement, terror, misery, self-flagellation

constantly self-regulating, compartmentalizing, putting aside, and refusing to act on emotions despite feeling Incredibly Deeply

anxiety

obsessing, catastrophizing, making contingency plans, exploring bad outcomes, regretting past actions literally every single second of every day

aforementioned physical anxiety manifestations

resigned to ronan and matthew’s eventual deaths even when things are Mostly Okay

convinced that if and when something happens to ronan or matthew, it will be his fault

none of these things are autism-related specifically, there’s just something in his repetitive thoughts / methods of self-soothing / ways of internalizing trauma that's..... a feeling

child development

one of those kids who would have been called “precocious”

had developed a system for watching/protecting ronan and trying to convince ronan not to dream things by age five

specific interests in things deemed uninteresting or unimportant

didn’t engage in the same play behavior most kids his age would

got overwhelmed and cried over liking a gift too much

consciously aware of niall’s disdain for him, aurora’s ephemeral nature, and ronan’s dangerousness to himself at age five

some of these things are definitely exacerbated or fully caused by a childhood of emotional neglect and endangerment; autism reading integrates with this rather than replacing it.  i strongly feel declan would still have been a “precocious” child with a healthy happy parental upbringing as well

sense of responsibility

extremely stressed by any situation he can’t control

will attempt to control situations beyond his jurisdiction to minimize this

studies so many parenting books after technically becoming ronan and matthew’s caretaker because he has no frame of reference for parenting and does not trust his instincts

“if you want something done right, do it yourself” a life motto by declan lynch

“everything is my fault, all the time” a life motto by declan lynch

“except when it’s dad’s or ronan’s fault” a pretty fair addendum by declan lynch

mental stimulation

so unbelievably bored with his life situation

THRILLED any time he gets to play games or engage in clever conversation - seen a little in his “crime makes me feel alive” vibes, his back-and-forth banter with jordan

won’t let himself get engaged in things because passion feels unsafe

enjoys himself for about one hour of one single night and then immediately starts cracking to pieces about how living in a constant state of mental dissatisfaction is killing him slowly

somehow manages to be surprised by this turn of events

interests

he hides art he loves in a murder attic like a feral cat who refuses to eat in front of people. i don’t even need to get into this

absolutely immediately enchanted to the point of self-labeled stupidity by watching jordan paint

infodumping about art history

trading art interests with jordan bc he’s legitimately interested and excited by what she knows and feels passionate about

this entire post should just be the murder attic. declan oh my fucking god

aforementioned collecting of language he likes

the whole tyrian purple thing.  again.  declan oh my fucking god

emotional intimacy

craves emotional intimacy but is TERRIFIED of being known and/or being rejected

is convinced he can never and will never have emotional intimacy in his life

has all the stamina of a wet tissue in terms of keeping his emotional secrets when jordan cottons onto them

gets annoyed by relationships with people who want emotional connection but continues playacting through the motions of said relationships in the hopes of being less lonely

comforting people / expressing genuine care

declan attempted to dispense comfort.  “everybody dies, matthew”

i have to put attempted to dispense comfort on the list again.  oh my god.  to declan’s brain, emotional comfort is a vending machine that’s eaten ten dollars in a row and is now falling on him after he made the mistake of shaking it

declan regretted saying anything.  [immediately says the worst thing possible]

write your routine, ronan. now. now. write it. write it down. (because i’m worried you’re going to kill yourself but have no idea how to say that so i have to focus on concrete action.)

every time he’s tried to say “i’m worried about you” and instead gone “why are you inconveniencing me this way.” king

having no sense of how to communicate feelings or solve emotional conflicts through talking despite attempting to do these things frequently, AFTER STUDYING OUT OF BOOKS, to his detriment

preferring to take care of people silently and subtly through protecting them and making things easier for them, extremely similarly to how ronan does

irritability

constantly in a low level fugue state of annoyance

runs on caffeine and fumes

very thin patience for anyone else’s inability to stick to plans, manage time, regulate emotion, do their jobs, follow through on commitments, etc

the unceasing “i’m not unhappy. i’m not unhappy. i’m not unhappy” while at work screams of “i am in sensory/emotional hell all the time and checking slightly out of this plane to deal”

loses control all at once, when he does lose control

drains energy like a broken cellphone battery from the effort of combating misery, anxiety, mental overload, boredom, masking all thoughts and feelings

bonus content: parents

the actual in-universe reasons for these things aren’t related to neurodivergence as far as we know, but

growing up as the unfavored child whose interests are constantly ignored or shut down 

seeing your siblings get preferential treatment for no reason

being silenced or punished every time you express dissatisfaction or unhappiness or anger

being considered disposable

internalizing the idea that you’re a burden unless you’re worth something to others

that’s a real common lived realty for autistic ppl

bonus content: brothers

i read all three lynch brothers as being on the spectrum and all having different experiences with it

i read matthew as having had the inverse experience of declan, in which he flaps and stims and chews loudly and talks a mile a minute and expresses himself with excitement and passion and bouncing

& he has Not been punished for it or made to feel like it should be hidden

declan’s ferocious protectiveness of matthew is in many ways bc he wants to keep matthew from suffering the same way he has

differing autism spectrum experiences fit neatly into that

ronan and declan’s experiences are in some ways wildly different

in other ways, though

going zero to one hundred on the emotional spectrum, defaulting to anger to avoid fully feeling internal chaos, being unable to understand the other’s feelings or thought processes / making wildly incorrect conclusions about them, preferring to show feelings through action rather than words, struggling to translate genuine emotion into expression without coming across as a dick

they are Very Similar

declan and ronan do a lot of “dog growls at its own reflection” about this because neither of them is more furious than when they see their own perceived shortcomings in the other

i’m positive i’ve forgotten some things and also positive i have not communicated all of these thoughts as effectively as i would like but i have been typing this post for a thousand years.  here you go

#trc #cdth #declan lynch #i love my idiot son #suicide m #ableism - #Anonymous

[youareunbearable]

every single day im more and more sure im some form of autistic mainly because of how relatable a lot of autistic headcannons im seeing are? Like ive never been tested and if i mention my thoughts to my family they laugh it off, and ik its really hard to diagnose women and adults because of ability to camouflage but i swear im somewhere on the spectrum. 

I’m putting a list of stuff under a readmore, but if ppl who know about autism wants to throw in their two cents i’ll gladly take it! 

  I used to do the flappy hand thing when processing/dealing with high emotions, i did it for almost a decade when i was a kid before i trained myself out of it because my family and peers used to tease me about it (my parents would laugh at me because id flap when i got frustrated and joke that im trying to fly away)

i used to do the raptor hands thing when in idle mode but when i was a teen someone told me how weird it looks/it makes ppls eyes go to my chest which makes me uncomfy so now i just clasp my hands behind my back

i can never really tell what emotion im feeling unless someone else or I voice it. like i’ll be going through all the symptoms of being stressed/mad/happy, but i wont understand what emotion that is unless i say either to myself or out loud what it is, or when others point it out “oh you look happy/ amber youre pretty mad/ why are you upset?” 

i hyper fixate on things, and only really like to talk about those things. my entire childhood it was birds, anything bird related i had to own, and it wasn’t until i moved off to uni that i stopped. Never really told anyone about it tho because it was a weird hobby. I had a cabinet full of ceramic birds and a wall of bird plushies that when pressed did their call.

For all that im told im really empathetic i REALLY don’t understand what other people are feeling. I know what they SHOULD be feeling based off of all the media I consume, and when i help them through their problems i either just tell them what i would want to hear or what the the solution to a similar problem a character in a book was going though. I’m really good at piecing together what ppl want to hear, and basing their solutions off of fanfiction/media that 90% I feel like it works? I mean ppl keep coming back for advice? but if it werent for that id have no fucking idea whats going on with other ppl

I’m weird about touch. now this COULD be from the fact that my family is very touch removed, but i find i crave touch, or the idea of touch, but when it happens i hate it, it makes my skin crawl, especially when ppl touch my neck. ive had the ladies at hair salons brush my hair before and me flinching every time they come close to my neck

while im not super about routine, i do find that when i have to follow someone elses i get annoyed, or when my time gets interrupted. but i think this is a normal human thing. but my brother has ocd and follows a strict routine from when he wakes up to how long he brushes his teeth so maybe im a little biased with that as a mindset for routine following

Im super particular about texture. I wont eat certain foods because of how they feel when im chewing it, velvet makes me want to rip off my skin when i touch it and i have to wipe my hands off on other fabric when i do, my skin feels super sensitive to touch so much so that seams and off textures make me what to scratch my skin off, and i often get large red welts when it happens, i also cant stand the feeling of liquid on my lips when i drink or eat, so i have to lick it off after (or pat it with a napkin) but ive noticed that no one else in my friends or family do that, and im trying to stop cause im being teased over it but its hard cause the wet feeling is AWFUL

side note on the scratching thing: i often do it when im in high emotional situations, dragging my nails up and down my legs or arms is kinda of relaxing and im im just now kinda realizing that this could be the bad version of the flapping i used to do, because i didnt scratch when i flapped, but now that i stopped the welts are here. ive also only broken my skin ONCE but i was in depressive spiral so eh. 

Im so great at mimicking other people and do it so naturally that i actually had to talk with my therapist about that because i was having identity issues over the fact that i dont know who i am anymore because i just pick up other peoples ways of acting (gestures, walking, what to do with my hands) and talking (phrases, tone, ways of thinking, etc) and often decide what im going to do that would have the best social impact on ppl like im picking a choice from a phrase wheel in a video game (Ive stopped doing this as much since therapy, and now i feel like i do it a normal human amount)  

when i was in elementary, i was a fucking angry kid, for no apparent that i can tell because i could never tell when i was pissed unless other ppl told me to calm down. I remember literally talking to a friend in highschool who had anger problems and i remember finding it annoying and telling myself “im not going to act like that” and then suddenly i wasnt angry anymore and the thought of punching someone is gross, but my sister stil tells me sometimes that im “violent” but i literally can never recall me doing anything like that anymore???? so whatever 

theres more to this list but its 3am and i cant think really but 

#personal #amber rambles #am I autistic or just making myself think i am?? more on this next time im sleep deprived #one of my students was autistic and the kid was so relatable

[shellofaretard]

Incel Manifesto

I am the BIG INCEL. The perennial incel. I was a virgin before you were born. I was a virgin when the universe was formed. When i close my eyes the world dies with me its hymen still intact. 

Incel has always been the default of western civilization. We are the inheritors of this w/o any disparity to what came before. Metaphor about ancient statues and their lil shrimp dicks.

Sir Isaac Newton was an incel. Nikola Tesla was an incel. Jesus Christ was an incel. Has anyone who’s NOT an incel ever created anything worthwhile??

soul

Ripped apart by natural selections icy north winds. Tossed around by autism chromosome waves. Mogged by 4/10 clouds. Masticated by roastie whirlpool.

The Incel project is an indictment of Creation that is, at the same time, rooted in an observant piousness towards its laws and the impossibility of moving outside its boundaries. The duty of Man to accept and affirm the inherent cruelty of the cosmos, and ponder his destiny within it.

For the <0.5/10 genetic sewage, to expose oneself to the flesh-burning mog radiations of the outside world is comparable to Julius Evola walking around the city during bombing raids.

body

Really hope incels start walking the walk and actually go ahead with those elaborate plastic surgery plans they love to talk about soon.  In post-modern body modification culture, surgically administered transformations are seen as an ascent towards the narcissistic illusion of a more “authentic” self. We have understood that the vanilla modernist paradigm in which Man is assigned one body, whose form, “health” and integrity it is his duty to preserve unto death, was never going to work.

Until very recently, it was normal for bodies to undergo unwanted dis- and transfigurations due to war and disease, their personal notions of bodily integrity routinely subdued to the amoral whims of the medieval War God. It is this view of the world that the incels, these ferocious dreamers of Galilean proportions, these weavers of cruel, delectable phantasms after my own heart, are returning to, finding themselves thrust into a hostile universe whose rigid biological laws are stacked against them with no humanist justification of “fairness”.

Incel chin osteotomy is then a religious act completely removed from narcissism. It is done out of reverence for a cosmic order radically irrespective of the incel’s interests and feelings. The ontological conduit between God and man takes the form of a leash, one by which Man is dragged to the plastic surgery clinic precisely in order to serve God better. I would like to argue that Incel is the most legitimately religious (anti-humanist) movement of our time in that it is based on an acceptance of human insignificance in the face of the cosmic order.

will

Much has been said about the supposed ‘entitlement’ of incels, but this can easily be reframed in a different context. Incel is, at its heart, a radical human agency denialist movement, seeking to redefine the role of Man in the universe by finding spirituality and reverence in the acceptance of total biological determinism, and beauty in the order of chin curvatures, neural pathways and DNA spirals of differing quality. The total absence of free will means everyone is always already entitled to exactly what they get. Genuine incel is less about demanding more than what is deserved than a retreat into a meditative position, neutral like nature itself.

If you’re willing to sell your purity for some used up 3.5/10 roastbeef: fuck off. This is supposed to be a modern monastic movement, where disciples eventually achieve true serenity and a connection with supernatural powers (wizard) in studying the patterns of the cosmos, of God’s plan; taking in the thorny architectures of inherent hierarchy without ego. It is about seeing the face of God in the cute waterpolo boy who nearly bullied you to suicide in 4th grade.

If you believe such a thing as ‘volcel’ exists in this world utterly bereft of all and any free will, you have reasoning skills akin to a donkey, I’m afraid.

time

Incels see time as a byproduct of the sad compulsion of humanist perception to form linear narratives of ‘progress’ and change. Such narratives are to be deemed illusory and rejected to the best of our abilities. In the Incel conception of time, everything is always already happening at the exact same time, meticulously arranged into a rigid, immutable hierarchy by the will of God himself alone.

This also means that it is pedantic and somewhat shallow to necessarily equate Incel with total sexlessness. Since no narratives ‘connecting’ one moment with the next are real, technically, every man not currently experiencing (undergoing?) direct roastie friction in this very moment is an incel, with whatever horrible baggage that entails.

virginity

I’m a virgin myself but my impression is that sex probably isn’t as big a deal as elliot rodger thought it would be. I look at sex havers and don’t think they are truly happier than i am (I’m a pretty happy retard). They were just born with higher quality DNA but i’m not sure if that is correlated with happiness whatsoever. I hate and envy them because I must but there is no objective ‘truth’ behind my ostensible assumption of their having it better.

All partaking in an act does is destroy the soul and dream of that thing. Only virgins understand the metaphysics of sex, only incels are capable of having a soul. This is why elliot rodger was so dangerous to the system. He had dreams that were unquantifiable and untransferrable, and the system thrives solely on the quantifiable and transferrable. I know y’all want to fuck Elliot now but thats like wishing jesus had the chance to get into nintendo wii instead.

If elliot rodger’s ideas of what sex (and ‘love’) would have been like could somehow be quantified, externalized and turned into a reality for all to simultaneously experience, the entire world would collapse, submerged in the brutal, monolithic singularity of joy.

religion

There is a reason religious, celestial imagination is all over incel culture. Think of st. blackops2cel and compare it to the brash, earthy vulgarity of YASSSS KWEEN or something. It is st. blackops2cel whose hand i am taking. It is through him that i discover weightlessness and liberation from the ballasts of the body. It is with him that i dash through the firmament and enter the pearly gates. Perhaps in the near future, the only two ways to die will be euthanized by the state following a lengthy bureaucratic procedure (hell) or shot by a cute incel at school (heaven).

-------

Now awaiting my gentle ascent into wizardry. Male pattern balding. Hormonal makeup changing. Still worship sathanas and aktion t4 and cut myself under the full moon. Still loathe god for giving me the tard genes and curse the faggot christ for normalizing the enabling of retards. But also know this is definitely all there is for me to which there is a certain closure. Know this basement is, at the end of the day, safe. Know theres not that much left at least.

How does the eventual ascension into the more serene state of wizardry feel for you. My angry incels. My romantic incels. My aching incels. My defeated incels. My broken incels. My incels who just want to see the world burn.

#incel #incel theory #old

[tiffersthenerdyficrecs]

BakuDeku AU Fics

(*) Indicates my most suggested reads.

daisies bunches and heather branches by halcyonwhispers

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki, Uraraka Ochako Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Alternate Universe - Tattoo Parlor, Alternate Universe - Flower Shop & Tattoo Parlor, Flower Crowns, Language of Flowers, punk!Bakugou, Crushes, Pining, Fluff, so sweet you'll get cavities Summary: izuku falls in love with the foul-mouthed tattoo artist next door.

And You Got To Me by hopeboiwonder

Rating: Mature Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku Additional Tags: Recreational Drug Use, Partying, boring jobs, disgusting boys in love, Extremely Sensory!Bakugo, Socially inept!Bakugo, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Katsuki POV, Alternate Universe - College/University, Barista!Izuku, as if it couldn't get more cliche, singer!Izuku, Neuroatypical!Katsuki, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Autism Spectrum, op is relating too hard to bnha characters always.... Summary: Katsuki's need to immerse himself in something that wasn't his new day in day out routine of working and sleeping leads him to discover a coffee shop in the middle of the night. Cafe Yagi.

Izuku's hair billows and bunches, chasing after him like a salty, green ocean wave; churning up crests of bright shimmer from the light above. His eyes brown bowls speckled with rich golden rings around his pupils; and remind him of the thin film of crema on top of a freshly pulled espresso shot...

Needless to say, coffee hasn't left his mind since.

Love Lucky Charm by Tenten Dragon Fire

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, Iida Tenya/Uraraka Ochako mentioned Characters:Bakugou Katsuki, Bakugou Mitsuki mentioned, Midoriya Izuku, Midoriya Inko mentioned - Character, Yagi Toshinori | All Might, Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead mentioned, Kirishima Eijirou, Kaminari Denki, Tokoyami Fumikage, Iida Tenya mentioned, Uraraka Ochako Additional Tags: Attempt at Humor, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Soulmates, Fate & Destiny, Screw Destiny, I Tried, Christmas Eve, Christmas Fluff, Please Don't Hate Me, I Will Go Down With This Ship, It's not as much angst as the tagging says, happy holidays, Secret santa event, Alternate Universe - Flower Shop & Tattoo Parlor, Coffee Shops, Some kind of strange mix between those two Summary: “How long has it fucking been since that day?” “In two hours and 37 minutes it will be exactly four weeks. But who keeps the count?”

Prompt: ”You can’t see your soulmate’s eye colour until you meet them”

Heaven by jcssicwrites

Rating: Explicit Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Sugar Daddy, baby’s first fanfic, College Student Midoriya Izuku, Barista Midoriya Izuku, Daddy Kink, Age Difference, Business Man Bakugo Katsuki Summary: Katsuki chuckles when he takes the drink noticing how flushed and flustered is. He is very cute, and maybe he wants to make him flush more. Maybe he wants to push him against a wall and make him beg for more. Maybe he wants to cover his cute freckles in kisses and cum. He wonders where else the cute barista has freckles...

In which Izuku is a cute barista and Katsuki is a rich business man who wants to own him.

Drinking Watermelon by warschach *

Rating: Explicit Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Summer Camp, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, Explicit Sexual Content, Humor, get that 'izuku is plain' shit outta my house, katsuki back at again being awful at love but great at making an ass of himself, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drinking Summary: For whatever reason, maybe divine fate, Izuku turned and looked over his shoulder and waved to them.

Katsuki’s heart full on stopped right then, and his fingers forgot their duty on the rails, and his body neglected its job to keep Katsuki balanced.

Izuku’s summer sweet smile fell into concern as Katsuki went airborne and cracked his skull on the porch.

or Katsuki works as a camp counselor, and Izuku is a boy made of summer heat and sunlight.

Learning Curve by iknewaman

Rating: General Audiences Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, one-sided Izuku/Todroki Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Uraraka Ochako, Todoroki Shouto Additional Tags: Deaf Midoriya Izuku, Sign Language, Alternate Universe, Quirkless Midoriya Izuku, Quirkless Bakugou Katsuki, Alternate Universe - College/University Summary:“Izuku.” Uraraka repeats as she motions at the person stood next to her. Green curls, average height, and, well. Up close, not such a bad smile. Uraraka points a thumb at Bakugou and enunciates slowly, “This is Bakugou. He can speak sign language too.”

Wait. Sign language?

The stranger— well, Izuku— looks at him with a raised brow. Their free hand lifts up as they make a slight motion of the hand.

‘Really?’

Bored out of his mind at a house party one night Bakugou is introduced to Izuku, a deaf student who offers to help teach Bakugou sign language in exchange for a favour-- or well, is prompted into asking for a favour.

Hand Speak by pissunicorn

Rating: Explicit Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Kirishima Eijirou, Uraraka Ochako Additional Tags: Deaf Character, Fluff and Smut, Bakugou Katsuki is Bad at Feelings, Bakugou Katsuki is a Dork, Budding Love, Alternate Universe - No Quirks (My Hero Academia), Slow Burn, Sign Language, deaf!izuku, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst, i swear the angst is short lived Summary: “You think you’re some hotshot, huh? You’re not going to even apologize, aren’t you?” Bakugou folded his arms, waiting for him to get on his knees with grief, but he turned around and picked something up from the counter inside. “Hey! Hey are you serious? I’m talking to you!” Bakugou had no qualms about barging into his house uninvited. “I said I’m talking to you! Are you Deaf-”

Puppies Puppies by Esselle

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Utsushimi Camie, Yagi Toshinori | All Might Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Pet Store, Alternate Universe - Tattoo Parlor, Tattoo Artist Midoriya Izuku, Puppy Store Owner Bakugou Katsuki, Puppies, Sexual Tension Summary: "So after doing all that," Katsuki says, "you're just going to settle here? Tatting up wannabe bad boys?"

"You think all guys who have a lot of tattoos are wannabes?" Midoriya asks, so smoothly that it throws Katsuki.

"Wh—no, I mean—maybe!" Katsuki says. "You'd know best, wouldn't you? Are you a bad boy?"

The words are out of his mouth before he even realizes it, and he regrets them immediately. There's a figurative list of things that one should never do, and probably high up on it is asking dark-haired sailors with ocean green eyes and black swirls of ink all across their barely concealed muscles if they are bad boys.

--

Katsuki thinks he has everything he needs in life: a successful pet shop, an occasionally reliable assistant, and the unconditional love of the twenty puppies he’s raising for adoption. But when the tattoo parlor next door hires Midoriya Izuku, a hot sailor with an affinity for dogs, it makes Katsuki wonder if he might need something more.

Like… a piece of that ass. Maybe. He’s figuring it the hell out as he goes.

A Good Old-Fashioned Tattoo AU by lalazee

Rating: Explicit Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Tattoo Parlor, Childhood Friends, Quirkless Midoriya Izuku, Pro Hero Bakugou Katsuki, Kirishima & Deku kiss exactly one (1) time toward the beginning Summary: “We were childhood friends. From babies. Then UA happened and, well –” A shadow crossed Deku’s face just as he turned away from Katsuki, and something clenched in his chest.

The notebook, burning in Katsuki’s fist.

“Then we went our separate ways,” Deku said lightly.

After their paths had split, Bakugou & Deku meet again as adults. While Bakugou begins to repent for the kid he used to be, he also starts to prove himself as he the man he is now.

Summer Camp From Hell by LocalTrashBin *

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Todoroki Shouto, Kirishima Eijirou Additional Tags: bakudeku, Summer Camp, Izuku and Katsuki team up, The kids all have original names cause I made them up, except Kota, Campfires, Kirishima is a great friend and needs to be appreciated, so does Iida, kind of slow burn depending on how long you like your fanfics, the kids are sterotypical children, comedy and fluff, Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, They're all dorks oh my god, Summer Camp AU, Jealous Bakugou Katsuki, Todoroki knows whats up, Completed, This is just like pure fluff, I hope y'all like campfires Summary: A fight breaks out between Izuku and Katsuki, it's the straw that breaks the camels back and the two are forced between the option of working in a summer camp together or expulsion.

Let's just say it goes just about as terribly as you'd expect.

Reparations by Merrywetherweather

Rating: Explicit Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Midoriya Inko, Midoriya Hisashi (Mentioned), Kirishima Eijirou, Yagi Toshinori | All Might, the last two are going to show up much later, Uraraka Ochako, Ashido Mina Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Fantasy, D&D Dynamics, Dragonborn (D&D), Fae & Fairies, Elves, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, AOB Fic, Childhood Friends, friends to rivals to lovers, Slow Burn, Slow Build, Omega Verse, Omega!Deku, Alpha!Kacchan, bakudeku, KatsuDeku, Rating will go up, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff and Angst, Angst, Fluff, Some scenes have the potential to be dubcon but I won't ever let it get that far I promise, Dragonborn society is less sexist than human society in this when it comes to secondary genders, Blood, Fights, Scent Marking, Scenting, Spells & Enchantments, Bickering, Imprinting, Soulmates, Denial of Feelings, Love, Unrequited Love, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Requited Unrequited Love, Nymphs & Dryads, Druids, Competition, kabedon, sassy deku, Flirting, Burns, Scars, Trials, Carrying, Magic, Jealousy, Protectiveness, Possessive Behavior, but in healthy amounts, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hugs, Romance, Kissing, Bakugou Katsuki is Bad at Feelings, Claiming Bites, Claiming, Sex, Sex In A Cave, Knotting, Mating Bites, Biting, Riding Summary: When Izuku was a child, he was told to never enter the woods. But being in possession of the shortest attention span a four year old is capable of, he ignores his mother's warnings and stumbles after a very pretty butterfly. What he finds, instead, is a friend. His first and only friend.

Izuku is in his twenties now and he no longer runs to meet with the childhood friend who pushed him away so long ago. His mother and their village are on edge because he's way past his presenting years and he still hasn't had his first heat. He's defective. An omega who can't present can't find a mate or have kids, not like he's ever been inclined to find someone or have children. After leaving the confines of his small minded human village and wandering out into the woods once again, in search of a better life, that all changes when he runs into the one person he hoped to meet but never thought he'd see again.

Not Another Glass Slipper by Crandberrycrush and paigetaylor

Rating: Explicit Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Uraraka Ochako, Bakugou Mitsuki, Kirishima Eijirou, Yagi Toshinori | All Might Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Sugar Daddy, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Cinderella Elements, Top Midoriya Izuku, Bottom Bakugou Katsuki, Age Difference, Height Differences, Family Drama, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Addiction, Family Member Death, Romance, this is not a slow burn Summary: Katsuki’s life was no fucking fairy tale. He wasn’t some damsel in distress, and he did not need some fucking knight in shining armor to save him. So what the hell was Prince Charming doing showing up at midnight and begging for his help?

The Devil Blues by iknewaman

Rating: Explicit Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Uraraka Ochako, Todoroki Shouto, Iida Tenya, Yagi Toshinori | All Might, Yaoyorozu Momo, Jirou Kyouka Additional Tags: Police Detective AU, Quirkless Midoriya Izuku, Alternate Universe, Station Cooperation Operation, Strangers to Lovers, Quirkless All Might, Police Captain All Might Summary: The 78th precinct's police captain, Toshinori Yagi, has volunteerd his squad to help implement the mayor's wish of increasing the successful cooperation between the city police and active Pro-Heroes. Each detective is to be assigned a Pro-Hero who will shadow them for two weeks, and the operation has been dubbed the 'Station Cooperation Operation'.

Although it is not well-received by those involved, Izuku Midoriya, current detective at the 78th precinct and loyal follower of captain Toshinori's ideals, believes that the operation will be a success. If his captain says it will succeed, there isn't a doubt in Izuku's mind that it will.

That is until he meets his assigned Pro-Hero.

While You Were Sleeping by Belkacaramelka

Rating: Mature Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, Fake Midoriya Izuku/Todoroki Shouto, Past Midoriya Izuku/Shindou You, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Kaminari Denki/Shinsou Hitoshi Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki, Todoroki Shouto, Shinsou Hitoshi, Hatsume Mei, Yaoyorozu Momo, Yagi Toshinori | All Might Additional Tags: Fake/Pretend Relationship, While you were sleeping (1995) AU, Quirkless Midoriya Izuku, Ketsubutsu Midoriya Izuku, Fake engagement with person in coma, Mistaken Identity, Izuku rescues Todoroki and is mistaken for his fiance, Bakugou thinks it's BS, Bakugou doesn't know what he's in for, Midoriya Izuku is a Dork, Midoriya Izuku is a Vicious Little Shit, Shinso and Mei are the new Dekusquad, Bakugou Katsuki is Bad at Feelings, Ketsubutsu cameos, Bad Puns, Gratuitous use of pop songs, Freudian Slips, Train Accident Scenario, Love of cats, Social Media, Rom-com, smutty dreams, Mutual Pining, Bakugo Katsuki needs to fight his feelings out, Angst, Aged-Up Character(s), Dance Combat, Breakup Recovery Kit, Monoma cameos, Hidden Rairpairs, Extra Proposals, Misunderstandings, Fluff and Humor, Intelligence Agent Deku, now with art, now with epilogue Summary: The one where quirkless fanboy Midoriya Izuku rescues Pro Hero Todoroki Shouto, gets mistaken as his fiancé while he is in a coma, and gets caught up in the most unlikely fake engagement... until his childhood enemy and Todoroki's classmate Bakugou Katsuki tries to catch him out, and they both end up discovering a lot more about each other than they'd expected.

Quirkless AU based on the film; endgame BakuDeku.

--

Katsuki didn’t know when the change had happened: how he had gone from asking why Todoroki chose Deku of all people, to wondering why it was Todoroki that Deku chose.

Troublesome Deku, who cooed like an idiot at cats, tripped at a random catcall and sang badly. Who, despite everything, proved that it wasn’t the quirk that defined a person.

Deku, who was too much, not his, and undeniably off limits to begin with.

Update: Epilogue added

Welcome to Magnolia Springs! by pearliegrimm

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Category: Multi Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, Kaminari Denki/Kirishima Eijirou, Asui Tsuyu/ Uraraka Ochako, Todoroki Shouto/ Iida Tenya Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Original Child Character(s), Kirishima Eijirou, Kaminari Denki Additional Tags: THIS SHIT IS JUST LIKE OVER THE HEDGE, Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Katsuki is gonna square up on all the PTA mothers, The solid and profound use of 'fuck' every couple of sentences, Homophobia, Drug Use, Abuse, Trans Character Summary: Bakugou Katsuki was going to tear up this shitty suburbia, one school bake sale at a time.

Amongst the quinoa encrusted mundanity of 'fuck-knows' springs, Katsuki is in for a lot more than just another relocation.

Payphone by flowercafe *(Updating/Incomplete)

Rating: Mature Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Kirishima Eijirou, Todoroki Shouto, Yaoyorozu Momo, Hawks (My Hero Academia), Shigaraki Tomura | Shimura Tenko, Dabi (My Hero Academia), Uraraka Ochako, Shinsou Hitoshi Additional Tags: vigilantes, Pro Hero Bakugou Katsuki, Quirkless Midoriya Izuku, Wrong Number AU, Slow Burn, Eventual Smut, more tags will be added as I go, Canon-Typical Violence Summary: Izuku’s in trouble — like, SOS trouble. Lucky for him, he’s one phone call away from salvation. Hopefully his trembling fingers dial the right number, because it would really suck if he accidentally called a stranger right now.

or

The “I was walking home alone in the middle of the night and someone started following me so I ran into this phone booth with a lock on the door to call for help, but my hands were shaking so badly I accidentally dialed the wrong number and I don’t even know who you are but please help me" au — ft. a Quirkless Izuku whose misdial connects him to the personal cell line of pro hero Ground Zero.

dirty chai by bishounen_curious(Updating/Incomplete)

Rating: Explicit Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, Ashido Mina/Kirishima Eijirou Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki, Ashido Mina, Sero Hanta, Uraraka Ochako, Asui Tsuyu, Kirishima Eijirou, Iida Tenya, Shinsou Hitoshi, Kaminari Denki, i love a good ensemble fic Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Enemies to Lovers, Alcohol, Explicit Sexual Content, Explicit Consent, Developing Relationship, Fraternities & Sororities, Power Dynamics, Mental Health Issues, Customer Service is Great,Barista!Izuku, jackasspatron!katsuki Summary: Y’know, Izuku doesn’t mind his part-time barista gig. It’s painless money — he likes his tiny, student union coffeeshop, likes his coworkers, his customers.

All customers, but this one.

Cinnamon Spice by Sonday(Updating/Incomplete)

Rating: Explicit Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Kirishima Eijirou, Kaminari Denki, Shindou You, Uraraka Ochako, Yaoyorozu Momo, Iida Tenya, Todoroki Shouto, Yagi Toshinori | All Might, Original Characters Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - No Quirks (My Hero Academia), Winter, Autumn, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Flirting, Comfort Summary: A cozy story about a sweet coffee shop bartender and a smoldering customer.

Let Me Down Slowly by Brofriend Writes(Updating/Incomplete)

Rating: Not Rated Archive Warning: Underage Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters:Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki, Iida Tenya, Uraraka Ochako, Kirishima Eijirou, Kaminari Denki, Class 1-A (My Hero Academia), Komori Kinoko, Yanagi Reiko, Class 1-B (My Hero Academia), Todoroki Shouto, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Yagi Toshinori | All Might Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Band Fic, High School, Aged up characters, Battle of the Bands, Singer Katsuki Bakugou, Singer Ochako Uraraka, Drummer Iida Tenya, Guitarist Izuku Midoriya, Alec Benjamin Music, Soft pop music, Indie Music, band club, non-beta'd, Bassist Kirishima Eijiro, Eventual Smut, Underage - Freeform, Consensual Underage Sex, Kissing, Fluff, Cute, sexy bakugou, Bottom Bakugou Katsuki, Top Midoriya Izuku, Fluff and Smut, First Time Blow Jobs, Sexual Tension Summary: When Plus Ultra's lead singer loses her voice right before The Battle of the Bands, Izuku and Iida have to find a female lead singer with high range ASAP in order to still participate.

Luckily or unluckily, Izuku finds salvation in his angry classmate, Katsuki Bakugou, who he bribes into helping them.

Notes: Going to be a cute, short-ish fic. Maybe 15k-25k words in total. Just had this on my mind lately and needed to get singer!bakugou out of my system and hopefully clear my writers block. Enjoy watching Izuku lose his mind while trying to process pretty Katsuki singing :)

Painting Flowers by Arysa(Updating/Incomplete)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, Ashido Mina/Uraraka Ochako, Jirou Kyouka/Kaminari Denki Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, everyone else Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Flower Shop & Tattoo Parlor, Tattoo Artist Midoriya, Flower Shop Bakugo, Strangers to Lovers, Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Tags Are Hard, Alternate Universe - No Quirks (My Hero Academia), Rating May Change, Aged-Up Character(s), Drinking, Slow Burn, Dabi is Todoroki Touya, Fluff and Humor, Let Them Kiss 2019 Summary: Bakugo Katsuki has one rule: Do NOT Date.

Well, there were more but that one in particular had served him well over the years in avoiding the drama and the neediness that came with relationships. Katsuki doesn't have time for that shit. The only things he needs are his friends, his family, and occasional flings that end after a single night.

However, when Katsuki has to take a temporary job position at his parents' flower shop, he stumbles upon one Midoriya Izuku, a quiet regular that simply comes to the shop to sketch flowers all day long. The man even somehow has the ability to make butterflies erupt in the blonde's stomach without uttering a single word. And when he does finally speak, he is able to send Katsuki's heart racing in a way he hasn't felt in years.

Will he be willing to compromise his own rules, his own goals, in order to know more about the green haired artist with the nervous smile?

Bombing King by brichibi *(Updating/Incomplete)

Rating: Explicit Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki, Uraraka Ochako, Iida Tenya, Kirishima Eijirou, Kaminari Denki, Sero Hanta, Ashido Mina, Hakamata Tsunagu | Best Jeanist, Todoroki Shouto, Yaoyorozu Momo Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Rock Stars, Celebrity Crush, Secret Crush, Masturbation, Concerts, Backstage, Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - No Quirks (My Hero Academia) Summary: Izuku Midoriya is a top student at a prestigious university who, like many others, listens to music while he studies. While looking for a new CD with his friends, he discovers the lyrical stylings of one Katsuki Bakugou, a rather aggressive musician who definitely earns that "parental advisory" label. It's not something Midoriya would listen to. No. Certainly not. He's not buying his CD. He's not watching his interviews. And he, most definitely, is not crushing on him.

Right?

Album Title in Progress by Allotrope *

Rating: Mature Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, BakuDeku - Relationship, DekuBaku - Relationship Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Yagi Toshinori | All Might, Kayama Nemuri | Midnight, Kirishima Eijirou, Sero Hanta, Kaminari Denki, Ashido Mina, Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Shinsou Hitoshi, Uraraka Ochako, Todoroki Shouto, Dabi (My Hero Academia) Additional Tags: Aged-Up Character(s), Bakugou was in a boy band, Bakusquad (My Hero Academia), as a kid though, quirkless au, baku doesn't know what the sex is, i mean he does but like, Memes, Slow Burn, they keep their hero names, cuz music people use stage names so, lil bit of angst, Music Business AU, more like love at first hear, izuku's a smartass, Eventual Smut, Romantic Comedy, they're all so dumb, dadmight Summary: "I mean, technically, sure. Anyone able to sing can sing. But am I good at it?" Deku left the pen alone so he could gesture as though he was weighing two different invisible objects. "...Yeah, I'm okay."

Now that got a chuckle out of Katsuki.

"I wouldn't call that just 'okay'."

--

OR; Izuku's singing makes Katsuki realize sex is Real™ and uses those feelings to make a bomb-ass(lol get it? cuz his quirk is...) album while also helping a self-doubting Izuku realize how fire his mixtape is.

the baking prodigy in the all-might pajamas by lucyheartfilia(Updating/Incomplete)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, Iida Tenya/Uraraka Ochako Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Uraraka Ochako, Iida Tenya, Todoroki Shouto, Kirishima Eijirou, Kaminari Denki, Yagi Toshinori | All Might, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead Additional Tags: College AU, Fluff, Basically a bunch of college shenanigans, Strangers to Reluctant Friendship to Friendship to Lovers, Beware Katsuki's Colorful Language, Art Major Katsuki, Physics Major Uraraka, Psychology Major Iida, Literature major but is really good in the kitchen Izuku, All-Might is a Comic Book Character, Alternate Universe - No Quirks (My Hero Academia) Summary: College AU in where angry art major Bakugou Katsuki kind of, sort of falls in love with a cute, green-haired nerd that likes to bake in his all-might pjs at questionable hours of the night.

The Space Between by Kanae_vR *(Updating/Incomplete)

Rating: Mature Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki & Midoriya Izuku, Ashido Mina/Kirishima Eijirou Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Kirishima Eijirou, Ashido Mina, Kaminari Denki, Uraraka Ochako, Jirou Kyouka, Todoroki Shouto. Monoma Neito, Kendou Itsuka, Toga Himiko, Dabi (My Hero Academia), Iida Tenya, Midoriya Inko Additional Tags: Slow Burn, Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, Bakugou Katsuki is Bad at Feelings, BAMF Midoriya Izuku, POV Midoriya Izuku, Alternate Universe - No Quirks (My Hero Academia), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Constipation, Eventual Romance, Character Development, Fluff and Angst, Developing Relationship, Aged-Up Character(s), Mild Sexual Content, Alternate Universe - Punk, Explicit Language, Belligerent Sexual Tension, Band Fic, Photography, Minor Violence, Injury Recovery Summary: Holding his expensive camera tightly between his hands, Midoriya Izuku looked up at the once-white letters displayed on the black storefront banner. “The Hard Luck Bar,” he murmured to himself, unsure if he was getting ready to enter or flee.

Amateur photographer Midoriya Izuku is stuck in a rut and desperate for a change of pace. Deep in his city's grimy underbelly, he finds exactly what he's looking for in the form of an underground punk sensation on the verge of their big break, fronted by a foul-mouthed firework of a human being.

Loud, brash and passionate, Izuku may have just found the creative spark he needed, as well as something new to set his soul ablaze.

to you, on the other side of the screen by stars_go_dim(Updating/Incomplete)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki & Midoriya Izuku Characters: Izuku Midoriya, Bakugou Katsuki, Todoroki Shouto, Uraraka Ochako, Kirishima Eijirou, everyone Additional Tags: Youtuber AU, Youtube!Au, bakugou is a gamer, midoriya is a beauty guru, kirishima has a prank channel, weird content, Fluff, Slow Burn, izuku doesn’t have a foot fetish, I swear, Attempt at humour, references to youtubers, kinda ooc ??, cute stuff, I’m sorry, kinda gross tbh, izuku os beautiful tf, how does bakugou survive, Social Media, bkg plays the guitar, Weird shiz, ok bkg also does vlogs, he is also lowkey flirty, Bakugou is bad at feelings, izuku is such an angel, ok bkg is not as violent as he is in canon, but he still swears sometimes, implied KiriKami, izuku is the sweetest boy hhhhh, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, no powers au, no quirks, videos described in detail, Mutual Pining, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Alternate Universe - No Quirks (My Hero Academia), Vomiting Summary: Bakugou is a popular YouTuber when he suddenly stumbles upon Midoriya’s makeup channel. But why is he so interested in some random kid he found on YouTube?

or alternatively

that YouTube au nobody asked for

Drive It Like You Stole It by OpalApparition *(Updating/Incomplete)

Rating: Mature Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Categories: M/M, F/M Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, Iida Tenya/Uraraka Ochako, Bakugou Katsuki & Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki & Kirishima Eijirou Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Uraraka Ochako, Iida Tenya, Kaminari Denki, Kirishima Eijirou, Shigaraki Tomura | Shimura Tenko, Chisaki Kai | Overhaul, Toga Himiko, inko, Tonoshiri Additional Tags: Crimes & Criminals, Organized Crime, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Quirks (My Hero Academia), Slow Burn, Protective Bakugou Katsuki, Kidnapping, Death, Comfort, Redemption, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied Sexual Content, LGBTQ Themes, Fast Cars, stealing cars, Theft, Gangs, Bakugou Katsuki is Bad at Feelings, Oblivious Midoriya Izuku, Street Racing, Smut, Drug Dealing, Street Fights, Self-Esteem Issues, Minor Character Death, Size Difference Summary: In the seedy city underground, Katsuki Bakugo spent his whole life jumping from one adrenaline high to another. Stealing and racing cars is the name of the game, and Katsuki plays to win. One chance meeting with the shy but feisty Izuku Midoriya during a job changes the rules - Fighting to maintain control of his high speed life, Katsuki finds himself on a crash course with rival gangs, police, and the consequences of his own actions.

Introverted masters student Izuku Midoriya spent his whole life playing by the rules. One drunken bar fight has him accelerating into a world of theft, sex, drugs, and drag racing with no signs of slowing down. Oh. And having a cop for a roommate doesn't help.

or

the street racing car-jacking BNHA AU that literally no one asked for... with illustration!

The Grand Prize Is by Go_Beyond *(Updating/Incomplete)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki, Ashido Mina, Kirishima Eijirou, Kaminari Denki, Sero Hanta, Uraraka Ochako, Asui Tsuyu, Iida Tenya, Monoma Neito, Todoroki Shouto, Jirou Kyouka, Yaoyorozu Momo, Kendou Itsuka, Tetsutetsu Tetsutetsu, Shiozaki Ibara, Toga Himiko, Dabi (My Hero Academia), Shigaraki Tomura | Shimura Tenko Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Japanese Next Top Model, Older Bakugou Katsuki, Alternate Universe - No Quirks (My Hero Academia), katsuki is a model, Midoriya looks up to Bakugou, Eventual Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, Protective Kirishima Eijirou, Sassy Midoriya Izuku, Toga is an asshole, Todoroki Enji | Endeavor Being An Asshole, Todoroki Shouto is a Dork, Iida Tenya is a Good Friend Summary: Midoriya Izuku had always looked up to Bakugou Katsuki's elegance on the runway and even more so on the big screen, and somehow he found himself standing in front of him. On the next episode of Japan's Next Top Model- who will make it to the top?

Izuku's Home for Wayward Pets by glamour_weeb *(Updating/Incomplete)

Rating: Explicit Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationship: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Yagi Toshinori | All Might, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Iida Tenya, Uraraka Ochako, Shinsou Hitoshi, Kirishima Eijirou, Ashido Mina, Todoroki Shouto, Yoarashi Inasa Additional Tags: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Alpha Bakugou Katsuki, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, Knotting, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, animal/human hybrids, Angst with a Happy Ending, Past Abuse, Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Breeding Kink, Praise Kink, Hurt/Comfort, Possessive Behavior, Mutual Pining Summary: Izuku works at the Bureau of Companion Protection as a rehabilitator for abused and abandoned Companions, animal-human hybrids. He’s seen his fair share of cruelty cases and even fostered a few Companions, but he’s never had a Companion of his own, until now. After rescuing Katsuki from a life in an illegal, underground Companion fighting ring, Izuku must take in the wolfdog that no one else can handle.

Eventually, Katsuki comes to love his new home, as well as his new Master.

How to Train Your Useless Dragon by Mikacrispy

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Categories: F/F, F/M, M/M Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, Ashido Mina/Kirishima Eijirou Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Class 1-A (My Hero Academia), Bakugou Mitsuki, Bakugou Masaru Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, Barbarian Bakugou Katsuki, Dragon Midoriya Izuku, Midoriya Izuku is Toothless, Midoriya Izuku is a Dork, romcom, Romantic Comedy, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Genderbending, Genderfluid Character, it's a magic dragon, Don't expect my magic dragons to stick to human gender norms Summary: Bakugou Katsuki needs to kill a dragon to take its teeth and become a warrior of his tribe.

But, what? Why the fuck doesn't this dragon have teeth?

Written from the promp "What if Izuku was the dragon?" Shamelessly How to Train Your Dragon inspired.

#bakudeku #katsuki bakugou #midoriya x bakugou #bakugou x midoriya #midoriya izuku #bkdk #fanfic #fanfiction #fic rec #boku no hero academia #bnha #mha #my hero academia #all the AUs #flower shop au #coffee shop au #tattoo shop au #college au #university au

[cannabisrefugee-esq]

 Welcome Mumsnutters!

The Mumsnet community has found this blog and are intelligently discussing the extensive content largely insulting and degrading me, personally, over my previous antinatalist posts — 2 entire posts out of nearly 100 comprising this project which is about surviving (and not surviving) as a chronically ill female in end-stage capitalism and patriarchy.  I suppose the Mums’ days aren’t full up enough what with the extreme demands of catering to their fuck trophies and future soldiers, rapists and victims, otherwise known as children under the same global system, and asking each other whether they are being “unreasonable” for wanting to be regarded as human beings by their male owners.

The Mums at Mumset also believe that talking to the men at Mumset — the Duds, I guess? — about feminism is a good use of their time.  The Mum who started this discussion also apparently thinks it’s just duckie to ask impregnators (and the impregnated) what they think about antinatalism, as if the strong bias towards natalism on Mumsnet and in a global capitalist patriarchy in general isn’t obvious.  Yes the Mums and Duds on Mumsnet seem to think that natalists and pro-natalists are the endangered cognitive minority in need of protection from the handful of antinatalists that exist on the internet and who do not appear to exist anywhere in real life because they and the antinatalist perspective are routinely and systematically silenced.

There is a lot to unpack in the above vid which is a recent upload from the Swedish Homesteading channel on YouTube and I do not endorse it wholly.  But as a chronically ill woman responding to the natalist Mumsnutters I will use it to illustrate the concept that passing along defective genes and/or a defective mothering instinct violates natural law.  It is only allowed to happen via millenia of unnatural patriarchal and later, capitalistic social engineering which requires it because creating a population of generationally weak, defective humans makes a fine pool of vulnerable victims for males and male institutions to abuse from cradle to grave.   They can and literally do take that to the bank.

I have shown here before the medical research indicating that autistic children, especially boys, are born autistic (read: brain damaged) because their mothers were subclinical, undiagnosed or fully diagnosed autoimmune patients whose immune systems attacked the proteins in the fetal brain in utero.  The 1990s, which is when most of my peer group were having their children, was when the autism/ASD epidemic absolutely exploded in this country but only now, 30 years later, is anyone realizing it wasn’t just a problem with the children — my entire generation of women, the generation that birthed the first recognized Autism Generation, likely (well, demonstrably) were and are seriously chronically ill with inheritable, incurable and progressive autoimmune conditions including multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, and inflammatory bowel disease including the hideous, disabling disease I suffer from, Crohn’s disease.

In my own case, I was a “colicky baby” (which in hindsight was probably undiagnosed pediatric Crohn’s) and my constant wails and inability to be soothed allegedly served as birth control for my mother’s friends but not for herself, where even though she never wanted children in the first place she went on to gestate and birth twice more.  My brother was born with a congenital heart defect which eventually killed him while my sister is the now somewhat regretful “Mum” of a 5 year old autistic girl whose birth/defect casts suspicion on my sister’s health as well, doesn’t it.

In light of the above vid which the creator has captioned “Natural selection is brutal but necessary.  Sadly humans intervene all too often and create livestock that is weak and we end up having to keep them alive with medicine…” I conclude that my own mother should’ve done what was probably the correct and natural response to a miserable, inconsolable infant — she should’ve smothered me with a pillow while she had the chance.  She should’ve done the same thing to my brother too, or rather, when he came out of the womb and instantly turned blue because his congenital heart defect was not compatible with life she should’ve taken a couple of deep breaths and just let him, mercifully, die.  As it was, we all got to suffer right along with him through 21 years of medicalized torture which I have written about before and of course he died anyway, with all of us watching, forever traumatized by it.  As it was, my mother was and is a coward who let capitalism and patriarchy have its way with her children.  And don’t think I’m letting the Dud off easy here — it goes without saying that she should’ve ended him the first time he raped her.

I have so, so much more to say about this but I think that will have to be the end of it for now.  I wish that those who support the antinatalist perspective would be brave about it and agree publically, or create supportive or even groundbreaking content of their own on the subject and put it out there, in the public domain, for everyone to see.  If they did, maybe it wouldn’t be so easy for people to pretend that the antinatalist perspective is extreme/fringe, or irrational (but paradoxically also the oppressive majority oppressing the natalists with our inaction) when it’s clearly neither extreme nor irrational: many thinking people from many political backgrounds support antinatalism and the critique of the nuclear (!) family because it’s based in reality and frankly unassailable logic.  This more or less global capitalist patriarchy is no place to be impregnated, it’s no place to gestate and birth, and as it turns out it’s literally no place to raise happy, healthy children when so many of us, generations of us, are seriously, incurably and progressively ill.

Comments Open.

#birth #pregnancy #fertility #abortion #healthy children #autism #chronic illness #mumsnet #livestock #mass consumption #mass production #overpopulation #climate change #mcdonalds #social engineering #class consciousness

[aceyanaheim]

Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.) 

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals  but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms: 

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour.  Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.  

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info)  and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time. 

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD) 

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection. 

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd) 

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder) 

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be)  but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending) 

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down  and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders) 

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.) 

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this  physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah) 

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years) 

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help) 

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s) 

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist) 

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.:  Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even  kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem)  deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this. 

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with  on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do. 

How your disorder/s affect your relationships 

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

 Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems. 

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad) 

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes.  All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on  my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

 What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )  

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression.  I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things. 

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and  hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

 Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of  analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot)  My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

 Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to  reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away. 

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

 The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

#mental health #mental illness #mental health awareness #mental health awareness 2018 #mental health awareness 2019 #mha2018 #well..2019 but thats what they said to tag it #depression cw #anxiety cw #self harm cw #suicidal feelings cw #ableism #abuse mention #fillicide mention #uuuh I think that covers it #here goes

[diamond-anon]

Psst do all of the get to know me questions

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? it was a while go, with a girl i went on a date with to 6 flags

2. Are you outgoing or shy? very shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my friend brook at school tomorrow and a camp friend in march

4. Are you easy to get along with? sort of

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? my ex best friend but we hardly talk

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? I tend to be attracted to other people with autism which is good for me

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? doubt it but id love it

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? not really anyone 

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? not at all

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? my dad, we talked about M*A*S*H

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “thank you I’m so glad you enjoyed it”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? seasons of love, light my candle, belief, 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? yes but only people I trust

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? sort of

15. What good thing happened this summer? I went to camp

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?absolutely

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? I think there is life in other universes so we cant reach them

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? ew no 

19. Do you like bubble baths? yes

20. Do you like your neighbors? I don’t trust either side 

21. What are you bad habits? I pull out my eyelashes and 

22. Where would you like to travel?

23. Do you have trust issues? very much so

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? warming my voice up in the morning

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? my boobs. I don’t want them.

26. What do you do when you wake up? I cover my head up with blankets

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? not really

28. Who are you most comfortable around? I’m not completely comfortable with anyone 

29. Have any of your exs told you they regret breaking up? yes

30. Do you ever want to get married? yes but I don’t see that happening

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? nope I keep it short

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? laura osnes and Jeremy Jordan oops

33. Spell your name with your chin. duamonf

34. Do you play sports? What sports? I miss playing soccer

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? yes pretty much constantly now

37. What do you say during awkward silences? I don’t feel the need to fill silence unless I’m nervous 

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? sweet, willing to help with my disabilities and someone to grow and build with

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? I like spencers bc its fun and hot topic bc merch 

40. What do you want to do after high school? I don’t know I didn’t see myself making it past 15 

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? depends on what they did

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? nothing… I’m usually quiet

43. Do you smile at strangers? I try to

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?outerspace

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

46. What are you paranoid about? almost everything 

47. Have you ever been high? two days ago 

48. Have you ever been drunk? I’m a literal alcoholic

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

51. Ever wished you were someone else? pretty much every day

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? probably that I’m autistic

53. Favourite makeup brand? I don’t wear makeup

54. Favourite store? I’m not sure

55. Favourite blog? I love too many but all the anons 

56. Favourite colour? red or black

57. Favourite food? Mexican or chinese

58. Last thing you ate? burrito

59. First thing you ate this morning? half a bagel

60. Ever won a competition? For what? yes I used to do well in spelling bees and my soccer team won a SoCal tournament

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? ive been suspended several times for fighting

62. Been arrested? For what? yes,having a weapon on me

63. Ever been in love? yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? it was with an asshole guy who broke up with me while i was in the hospital for a suicide attempt65. Are you hungry right now? no

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? yes, I don’t have many irl friends

67. Facebook or Twitter? neither

68. Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? sort of? I’m watching newsies on netflix

70. Names of your bestfriends? Kathryn, Megan, Brooke, Jason

71. Craving something? What? idk.. being loved

72. What colour are your towels? sort of a cream color

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? one and one body pillow to elevate my leg

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? I sleep with one

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? I’m not sure, theyre all very small

75. Favourite animal? fox, elephant, hedgehog

76. What colour is your underwear? red

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? mint chocolate chip or peanut butter chocolate 

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? black

80. What colour pants? grey

81. Favourite tv show? M*A*S*H

82. Favourite movie? big hero 6

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? mean girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? 21 jump street

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? dory

87. First person you talked to today? megan

88. Last person you talked to today?

@avocado-anon

89. Name a person you hate? rainy

90. Name a person you love? idk

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? several

92. In a fight with someone? not rn

93. How many sweatpants do you have? last I checked I had 14

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 5

95. Last movie you watched? big hero 6

96. Favourite actress? all I can think of rn is laura osnes so her 

97. Favourite actor? Jeremy Jordan (I rewatched bonnie and clyde and I’m thinking about it)

98. Do you tan a lot? I don’t like the sun. it makes my head hurt

99. Have any pets? a dog

100. How are you feeling? not good

101. Do you type fast? very

102. Do you regret anything from your past? a lot

103. Can you spell well? when I write yes, not outloud

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? very much

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yes

106. Ever broken someones heart? yes, when I broke up with my abuser

107. Have you ever been on a horse? I work with them so very often

108. What should you be doing? painting a poster for my friends birthday

109. Is something irritating you right now? that I cant think clearly

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yes

111. Do you have trust issues? very much

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my therapist

113. What was your childhood nickname? I did but I’m not going to tell you

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? only to mexico

115. Do you play the Wii? yes 

116. Are you listening to music right now? yes I’m listening to my musicals playlist

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? of course

118. Do you like Chinese food? LOVE IT

119. Favourite book? the perks of being a wallflower

120. Are you afraid of the dark? nope I love it

121. Are you mean? kind of

122. Is cheating ever okay? no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? not at all

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

125. Do you believe in true love? yeah

126. Are you currently bored? yes

127. What makes you happy? singing

128. Would you change your name? already have

129. What your zodiac sign? capricorn

130. Do you like subway? ew no

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? ask them out

132. Whos the last person you had a deep conversation with? my dad

133. Favourite lyrics right now? all the lyrics from you will be found

134. Can you count to one million? technically I can but I don’t want to

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? that I’m straight

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? I can only sleep w doors closed

137. How tall are you? 5 1

138. Curly or Straight hair? i like straight hair

139. Brunette or Blonde? I like blonde

140. Summer or Winter? winter

141. Night or Day? night

142. Favourite month? january

143. Are you a vegetarian? no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? dark chocolate

145. Tea or Coffee? coffe

146. Was today a good day? fuck no

147. Mars or Snickers? snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote? yeet yeet chicken feet

149. Do you believe in ghosts? yes i see them

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, whats the first line on that page? “tell me about darry” from the outsiders

#about diamond

[creacherkeeper]

jemma autism checklist

[fitz post here]

someone: jemma’s not autistic 

me: *pulls receipts* 

okay here we go! here is a very detailed post explaining why jem is totes autistic 

to sum, she shows a lot of traits of atypical autism (which is more often how autism manifests in girls) and displays a lot of traits necessary for a diagnosis. she is awkward and blunt in her social interaction (needing to be reminded at times how to act “appropriately”), has a deep passion for her specific interests, is literal minded, stims, was probably hyperlexic, has trouble lying and improvising language, and shows signs of alexithymia

(big thank you to @unlessimwrongwhichyouknowimnot for helping with this, as well as the anons who sent in suggestions!) 

this and more under the cut! lots of gifs ahead, image descriptions added for accessibility 

allistics feel free to interact with this! 

Deeply focused thinking and passionate interests in specific subjects.

jemma is deeply passionate about biology and chemistry, to the point where she had a PhD in both by the time she was 16 years old. she knows a lot of specific facts about animals 

[x] [Jemma saying, “Yeah, and close to 200 species of snakes. The shushupe has a fascinating venom.”] 

[x] [Jemma talking to Fitz, saying, “Did I give you an antivenin pack? The Caucasus have a plethora of highly endemic spider species.”] 

[x] [Jemma talked to Fitz, saying, “Did you know that there are over a thousand species of fish in the Seychelles? I cannot wait.”] 

Need for consistency, routine, and order

[x] [Two gifs of Jemma saying, “A tidy lab is a happy lab.”] 

[x] [Jemma saying, “Clear? Well, B is for blue is for biological.”] 

3x03 

About Jemma’s desk 

Fitz: Just as you left it. Made sure not even a post-it note was moved. ‘Cause I know how particular you can be about it. 

3x05

Jemma: Planets have ecosystems with definable patterns and rules that can be understood after enough--

Difficulties in understanding and expressing typical social interaction 

[x] [Two gifs of Jemma saying, about Randolph, “A thousand years. Maybe more. If we could just cut him open a little bit, get some tissue samples, maybe some bodily fluids, we could find out.”] 

[x] [Jemma saying, “You mean once we have sex?”] 

[x] [Jemma saying, to someone in the Framework, “So incredibly lifelike.”] 

[x] [Daisy says, “Don’t spiral. Just say something. Anything.” Jemma says to Agent Sitwell in an attempt to flirt with him, “You certainly have a gorgeous head, don’t you?”] 

jemma is blunt, awkward, and doesn’t seem to understand what’s the “normal” thing to say in any given situation. there’s a bunch more examples of this (like her calling herself “nubile” like what) but here are some good ones. even in the framework example - compare jemma’s creepy serial killer thing going on here with how daisy reacted, even almost blowing her cover to help a random inhuman npc. 

Has trouble “reading between the lines” 

1x07

Daisy: “I need answers. And I know just the person who has them.” 

Jemma: “Who?” 

Daisy: “Coulson. I was obviously talking about Coulson. 

1x06 

After reprimanding her, Coulson sits down and starts doing something on his desk 

Jemma: Oh, does that mean we’re to leave now? 

2x03

Couson: Have you made friends? 

Jemma: Oh, sir, you don’t need to worry. I mean it’s been a tad lonely, true, but ... (pause) You weren’t asking out of concern for my feelings, were you? 

[x] [May hands Jemma a gun, saying, “If it makes sense here,” while motioning to Jemma’s gut. Jemma responds, “Sorry. I’m not sure where you’re pointing.”] 

it takes her a bit to catch up to what people mean when they aren’t direct with their speech or actions

Has to be reminded to act in situation-appropriate ways 

[x] [Two gifs. The first one has Jemma saying, “Now they can create super-soliders with no fear of explosion.” Her eyes are wide with excitement. In the second gif Fitz says to her, “Maybe don’t get so excited about it.”] 

[x] [Three gifs. Jemma and Fitz are examining Lucio’s dead body. Jemma says, “Fascinating.” To which Fitz replies, “No, not fascinating. Quarantine.” Jemma nods, looking abashed. “Quarantine,” she repeats.] 

jem: *says something fucking weird* 

fitz: jem. there are neurotypicals around you need to stop

Literal minded 

[x] [Two gifs. In the first Jemma says to Fitz, “I’m gonna do something with you on that island that will take your breath away.” In the second she says, “Snorkeling.”] 

3x05

Will: This whole godforsaken planet is evil. 

Jemma: Planets can’t be evil. 

3x08

Fitz: The bloody cosmos wants us to be apart. 

Jemma: The cosmos doesn’t want anything. 

okay you could interpret the snorkeling one as a joke but then it would go under the “inappropriate” category because jesus jem, not a joke to make to a guy who almost drowned for you 

Sensory seeking (includes stimming) 

[x] [Three gifs, from two different scenes. In each Jemma twiddles her fingers, rubbing them together and rubbing her thumb over her fingers.] 

[x] [Jemma twitches her fingers and rubs them over each other.] 

[x] [Two gifs of Jemma pressing her hands against her face and neck.] 

she also does the forehead thing but i couldn’t find gifs of that. jem’s always got little fidgety hands going on, especially when she’s nervous. she rubs her thumbs over her fingers to sooth herself, which counts as stimming, and i’d argue that the neck and forehead thing count as pressure/grounding stims 

Talents in any pattern recognition  

[x] [Two gifs of Jemma saying, “I’m not an engineer. I hope I can re-create what you did there.”] 

pattern recognition is a part of jemma’s job, but i think this is the clearest moment of it. she recreates a coding sequence from memory after seeing it years ago 

Uses control as a stress management technique; rules, discipline, rigid in certain habits, which will contradict their seeming unconventionality.

[x] [Jemma saying to Daisy, “I like following the rules and doing what’s expected of me.”] 

2x03 - Shows her following a strict routine every morning/each day while she’s at Hydra 

jem is a pretty eccentric person but she definitely uses control of herself and her surroundings to sooth her anxiety. i’d argue she even uses the way she dresses as a method of control, controlling her appearance is one way to influence how people regard her 

Hyperlexic as a child 

not canon, technically, but it wouldn’t be surprising. i mean she has a very advanced vocabulary and had two PhDs by 16  

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions

this one is just. a jemma simmons callout. and like yes, okay, you could argue that this is just ptsd, but it’s been proposed that autistic people are more likely to develop ptsd anyway so 

Talks out loud to herself 

3x05

Pretty much the whole episode. Sometimes she is talking to Fitz, sometimes not. She even does this after she’s with Will. 

Jemma: You should make him dinner tonight. Yes, that seems like a good idea. (sighs) Then you should stop talking to yourself. 

4x17

Jemma: This isn’t real, Jemma. 

Hates injustice 

[Jemma saying to May, “No, I just let a known murderer loose to save my own skin. Traded all those ... those lives for mine.”] 

[x] [Jemma saying about Trip’s death, “Well, and I feel responsible.”] 

[x] [Jemma saying to Coulson, “But I also have a duty as a SHIELD scientist to pursue this, to save lives!”] 

do i even need to explain this one. jemma to a T 

Is very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passions / special interests / obsessions

[x] [Two gifs of Jemma saying to May, “Did you hear what I said? Peggy Carter, founder, happens to be British, held this in her hands.”] 

[x] [Jemma says to Coulson about the Chitauri virus, “It’s like nothing we’ve ever seen on Earth. I didn’t think it possible a virus could alter its host’s molecular density and polarity.” There is a big smile on her face as she talks.] 

and basically every other time she’s talking about science or something she’s interested in. she gets excited about her interests even when it would be more appropriate not to say anything 

Will not have many close friends

it was pretty heavily implied, if not stated, that fitz was her first good friend, and that was when she was already 16. even then, it was hard for her to tell if they were even friends or not or if she was just annoying him (though she followed him around despite that) 

Finds it very difficult to/had to teach herself how to lie 

[x] [Fitz saying to Jemma, “You’re a terrible liar.”] 

[x] [Daisy saying about Jemma, “I love her but her trying to lie, it is a horror show.”] 

this is said a lot, obv. kind of a plot point 

Can’t improvise well 

[x] [Three gifs. Jemma telling Coulson, “Past events, like that unfortunate incident at the Hub, have shown me that I’m not good at improvisation. However, I excel at preparation.”] 

jemma simmons, Bad At Improv. she doesn’t really know what to do/say if it’s not expected or she hasn’t prepared for it. could imply that she falls back on scripts 

Alexithymia 

[x] [Jemma saying to Fitz, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. Excuse me.”] 

1x08

Ward yells at them after picking up the berserker staff 

Jemma: That was just a biochemical reaction. He didn’t mean all that 

so alexithymia can be defined as difficulty understanding and identifying emotions in the self, and difficulty describing feelings to other people. jemma definitely fits that bill. she has a really hard time dealing with her own emotional state, and gets easily overwhelmed by emotional situations (like the “maybe there is” scene). she attributes emotions to their scientific explanations instead of valuing them as feelings. she often seems at a loss when people tell her it’s okay for her to be emotional or feeling a certain way (like daisy telling her it’s okay to be angry at ward and miss fitz). she’s a very emotional person, but she doesn’t seem to know what to do with that. even when daisy got shot, she became very cold and cut off until she got overwhelmed and broke down 

in conclusion: 

jem is super autistic. the end 

#jemma simmons #aos #agents of shield #autistic headcanons #actuallyautistic #this is only like two years late ahahahahaha its fine #but hey that means i got to include a lot of s4! #and all of s3 #jesus this got lengthy #i honestly wasnt expecting it to get this long #but here we are!!!!!!! killin my browser to edit this!!!!! #hope the wait was worth it #if theres more stuff to add feel free to add it on! #nd headcanons

[ambrnicole-blog]

11/16 pm- Finally

I always try to remind myself that negativity spreads. It spreads faster than happiness, or laughter. Its a disease. An unfriendly one. A disease that leads to a plethora of nonsense things. Unfortunately, it sticks to me and consumes me. It fills my mind with anger and frustration and I get even more angry about having to fix it or how I would or could fix it. 

Today, I had specialists come to the house to observe Eddy and see how he’s developing. Mainly, because he hasn’t started really talking yet and wanted to see what we can do to help him. So, of course, (before the appointment) I made an appearance downstairs and asked Charlie and Sally what concerns they might want me to bring up. Now, I listened to Charlie with his opinion, mainly because I genuinely respect the man. He’s been around for ages and can certainly teach you a thing or two. Sally, on the other hand, I don’t know what it is, but she just grinds my gears. I think a lot of it is because I feel she tries to mom my kids for me through me. I know that sounds weird. It fills my brain with frustration. I want to tell her to back off, shut up, and leave me alone. She’s far too nosy and anxious for her own good. She’s paranoid about so much it’s ridiculous.

Don’t get me wrong, its good to be cautious and keep an eye out, but my son is almost 3 and doesn’t need to have his grapes quartered anymore. He doesn’t need to be under someones watchful eye all the time of everyday. And having to put a tarp down under his high chair to keep food falling, because God forbid food gets on the hardwood floors and stains them. Or having to avoid using the shower longer than 20 min to avoid water splashing out and getting on the floors because it’ll ruin the wood. Or having to constantly pick up after my kids because it makes the house look like a mess, but only picking it up a certain way that only makes sense to her, because that’s the “right” way.

I am going to take a shower however long I damn well please. My shower time is the only time I am by myself and can literally wash all the bullshit away. No one is ever going to put a damper on that. Kids are going to make a mess, it’s what kids do. Kids will make messes endlessly until they have their own place to take care of and I cannot keep up with them all the time. All day. Everyday. It’s a constant mess!

I get anxious making sure its all picked up to make sure I don’t get ridiculed for it being a mess. If it’s a mess she gets angry at Jake and bitches at him about it. Then he bitches at me about it, because its not perfect. Its not HER perfect, and its not conducive to my image of perfect, my idea of organized, or my idea of placement. She even waits for me to leave before she turns this place into her perfect and it DRIVES ME FUCKING CRAZY!!!!! The papers that I put specifically in a place are not there anymore. The clothes I need to hang up were moved elsewhere and certainly not in the closet to be hung. The bathroom things I have on the vanity get moved EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Oh, and don’t get me started about the passive aggressive notes she leaves for me when I’m gone. 

<sigh> 

I just need to breathe. This was supposed to be about one thing and it turned into a completely different thing. Fuck.

Now, normally I try to keep up busy. Some days are harder than others. This day was coincidentally not in my favor. This morning, Jake called to talk about his night and while I was on the phone with him, Sally came upstairs to ask the Autism questions about Eddy that were the same ones the pediatrician already did months ago. It’s the same screening that made him eligible for this visit. She goes back down when she notices I’m not getting off the phone anytime soon. Part of that I was intentionally asking more questions, because I genuinely don’t like talking to her. So, while I’m on the phone with Jake, Eddy starts to get a little fussy so I put on a cartoon for him to calm him down a little while I prepare him some breakfast. In Sally’s eyes this looked like I was being lazy putting my kid in front of the tv while I jabber on the phone. 

After I get off the phone with Jake, I finish putting this place together, feed baby girl, I notice it’s getting close to nap time for Eddy, so naturally I remember to call my mother and ask what her concerns are. While going over those, I also have the tv on for a moment to occupy Eddy also to prepare a small snack/luncheon for him before napping. Low and behold, while I am talking on the phone with my mom and while the tv is on, Sally comes back up with those dang questions again, also noticing I’m on the phone. While my son is watching tv. again. Another inclination to her suspicion that I do absolutely nothing for my kids. I try to get off the phone this time after she goes back down again because I did have things to accomplish. I got Eddy down for a nap and its crunch time. 

 Lilly woke up from one of her naps so she helped me pick up a little bit. And by pick up I mean she crawled over to where I was working at and proceeded to un-pick things up, which led me to re-picking them up. This turns into my daily routine all the time. Nonetheless, I manage to get the place somewhat picked up and still managed to get makeup on so I didn’t look like a heaping mess just in time for the specialists to arrive. 

Naturally, Sally had to join for this appointment, because she is all aboard the Autism train and brings up all the little nit-picky things he does that scream Autism. The tippy-toes, the wheels, the flapping his arms and brings it up during this visit at least 5, maybe 6 times. Every time she makes a comment about the Autism, I clench my jaw and hold back the snarl erupting in my face slowly. I hold my tongue in anger and continue. 

They ask things like “Does Eddy familiarize with his own appendages; hands, face, nose ect.? I say yes, and Sally is quick to interrupt me saying she hasn’t seen him do it before. Well, if you wouldn’t have so rudely interrupted me, you’d know he does affiliate with parts of your face and parts of his especially when we lay together for his naps, which he will do if he isn’t feeling to well or if we’re over at my moms. That’s how they do nap time. In that quiet slice of heaven, he will point to your face, nose, ears, and his own. She wouldn’t know that though because she isn’t as close with him as she thinks she is. This kind of bantering continues for the remainder of the visit until Sally has to go. Thank God! 

In a way, I’m relieved I finally got that visit taken care of and look forward to the journey ahead, but it’s going to be a rough, cold, bumpy road that is what seems like waiting for the perfect moment to explode. Here we go.