#but making that too prominent will end up leaving you with something less like this-idea-in-its-basic-form and more like saya no uta

[moonlit-tulip]

A gimmick which I think would be interesting in a visual novel: small variation in the visual designs of the sprites and backgrounds based on who's narrating a given scene. Not large variations, mostly—buildings are going to have generally the same architecture, people are going to have generally the same outfits, et cetera—but lots of details shifting around on the margins, showing the texture of the characters' thought-processes through the visual design of the world as they see it, rather than only through the text of their narration.

So, for example, one could have one viewpoint character be unusually faceblind, and portray this by having all the sprites have Same-Face Syndrome when viewed from their perspective, even as they hold onto more variation face-wise in everyone else's perspectives. One could have one viewpoint character who's unusually conscious of the fine details of their physical environment, and portray this by drawing the environment-art with much more fiddly detail when in their perspective, showing wood-grain and electrical wiring and other such things which are abstracted away in others' perspectives of the same areas. Et cetera.

#Archive #Visual Novels #Premises #there's also some room once the pattern has been established on the small scale to go more intense about it #one character just sort of never seeing the building that's the big landmark for everyone else or something #but making that too prominent will end up leaving you with something less like this-idea-in-its-basic-form and more like saya no uta #and for all that i in fact liked says no uta itself it's definitely not particularly about the-thing-this-idea-in-its-basic-form-is-about #so there's a bit of a balancing act there #(the thing this idea is about being largely 'people vary widely in which bits of the world they tend to notice / pay attention to') #(in a mundane way as opposed to just a magical-perception-filtering way)

[rosepetalmark]

it was good until it wasn’t

↬ pairing: kim doyoung x reader ↬word count: 3k ↬ genre: angst, mentions of fluff ↬warnings: mentions of sex, it’s pretty sad (you may shed a tear or two i’m v sorry) ↬ synopsis: breakups suck, especially when you’re still in-love and don’t understand where you both went wrong. 

he makes it look so easy.

ignoring your texts, coming home late, barely saying a word to you when you’re together. you can’t hate him for it though, you’re the exact same.

you wonder why he doesn’t break up with you already. your relationship was basically hopeless at this point and you both know it isn’t going anywhere- it hasn’t been going anywhere for months now.

it pains you seeing him not stare at you lovingly anymore. you grew so fond of the idea of  spending hours on the phone talking about the dumbest things, staying up late watching reruns of your favourite shows, even making him do face masks with you when you wanted to do self care days. you knew he loved it of course, but he always played it off as something he detested because seeing you pout over his lack of interest in a sheet mask always made him love you ten times more.

you haven’t felt his touch in two months. it was like you were living with a ghost, the feeling of his presence ever so prominent, but the actual feeling and embracement of him completely diminished. every morning he’d wake you up by kissing both your cheeks, quiet laughter humming from his chest as he admired your sleepy presence in his quest to get you to start your day.

now you wake up to the sound of him sighing as he leaves your shared bed, his empty presence filling the quiet room, causing you to feel lonely.

never in the several years of knowing doyoung did you ever imagine that his presence would become something that no longer brought you happiness.

you’ve both drifted, but you’re still together- too stubborn to admit to yourselves and each other that this relationship has run its course, forming a cohabitation with one another rather than maintaining a loving, healthy relationship.

it’s complicated, you like to believe. trying to puzzle together when everything went wrong. but you can’t because all you remember is that one day you were both madly in love with one another and the next you acted as if you were strangers.

deep down you’re scared. you’ve spent so many years and time and effort in your relationship with doyoung that you don’t truly know what life outside of him is like.

you may not have long talks anymore or stay up late watching movies or even have sex- damn you missed the days where you both would divulge in sex multiple times a week, but gosh did you find solace in his presence.

when he’s not there in bed beside you when you wake up each morning you feel empty, like a piece of your heart has been ripped out of your body and hidden halfway across the world for you to find.

he’s all you’ve touched and laughed and connected with in years and to have that ripped away from you is beyond frightening.

he’s all you know.

you yearn for the days when you were fresh in love and could never keep your hands off each other, wanting to be in each other’s presence 24/7.  sadly the days of two twenty years olds having quickies in the backseat of a car and drunkenly singing karaoke at three in the morning on friday nights at the local bar were long gone. you’re not two college kids in love anymore, just two completely different adults who fell out of it.  

it hurts reminiscing about the way his hands would find your waist and how his chin dipped into your neck when he found you speaking with your friends at parties; the way he would sing to you when you had trouble falling asleep,  bringing you to his piano to play you whatever melody he created earlier in the day just to bring you comfort, even if it meant he was losing sleep in the process.

you especially miss his attempts at making you iced coffee in the morning. it was such a mundane act, but no matter how hard he tried and how closely he followed the instructions you gave him (not as if making iced coffee was hard anyways), he’d always make it too bitter. but you still drank it anyway, because you loved doyoung with every fibre in your being, and anything he did for you made you appreciate and fall in love with him even more. everything he did for you showed how deeply he loved and cared for you.

now you don’t get any of it. no obnoxious flirting when out in public. no beautiful nights falling asleep to his soft, angelic voice, wrapped up warmly in his tender arms. and especially no bitter, watered down iced coffee.

you’re lucky enough if he holds your hand when out in public with friends, not wanting anyone to clue in on the lack of intimacy and love that ceases to exist between the two of you.

you used to be that annoying couple who couldn’t get enough of one another, always finding ways to be in each other’s presence whenever you went out together, wanting to show the world that you were his and he was yours. now you can barely look each other in the eyes for more than five minutes without an unnecessary argument beginning to brew.

you wish you could have that all back. the routine. the peace. the love you both shared. you’re just two adults who can’t even be mature enough to break off a six year relationship because you’re both too comfortable with the thought of one another; too scared to leave what you’ve built as a couple to realize that this once great love affair has turned into something so sad and toxic, pulling you back from what you both deserve in life.

your friends have been telling you to sit down and speak to him about your feelings, his urging you both to call it quits for months now, claiming you’re making your friendship dynamic awkward, and in the end only harming yourselves. but they don’t understand what it’s like to have something so beautiful ripped from your hands without a warning, because that’s what this all felt like. as if someone swooped in and stole your bond with doyoung, when in actuality it was just the two of you growing apart-one thing you never thought would ever occur.

those four dry months eventually turned into a fifth, and that’s when you knew you had to pull the plug. you couldn’t keep living like this- wasting your life and heart and energy on a relationship that ended so long ago. it was draining the life out of you both and it was painfully evident in your faces.

the days of crying over him have long passed, making it much easier to process that you won’t ever be with him again, mentally checking out after the first two months this distance became a regular occurrence. that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt ending a love that once was your everything.

you remember so clearly the day doyoung asked you out. it was a monday after a lecture you both shared, the both of you walking alongside campus, too invested in your conversations with one another to say goodbye. you both knew you had feelings for one another, every interaction between the two of you held an abundance of smiles and rosy red cheeks.

he bit the bullet and asked if you wanted to grab dinner some time, just the two of you and away from your chaotic friend group, wanting it to be an actual date and not a group outing.

that was six years ago, and the butterflies you felt in your stomach the moment he said he wanted to date you still linger when you think back to such heartfelt innocence.

when you finally decided enough was enough and the words eventually left your mouth, he wasn’t even upset. he showed no sign of emotion, a stoic expression stuck on his tender face, only a nod of agreement following your difficult confession.

he knew he didn’t have to say anything and you didn’t expect him to. there was no fighting for something that didn’t exist anymore. doyoung may have been your boyfriend by title, but these last few months he was just doyoung. not your lover. not your best friend. just doyoung.

a stranger you know who’s smile and laugh and kisses you’ll forever have ingrained in your brain, but have not come into pure contact with for an unreasonable amount of time.

and you can’t even hate him for this breakup because he hasn’t done anything wrong. you simply grew apart, and you hate how you drug it out for so long where it got to the point where you can’t even look him into the eyes without feeling some sort of pain and resentment. the only thing you wish you could go back and change was to talk about it, because who knows, the both of you could have either resolved whatever underlying issues you had, or you would’ve been broken up by now- not stranded and confused as to where your life and relationship is going.

you never pictured you’d end up like this, assuming by the time you were in your late twenties you’d be engaged, with a dog, constantly looking at homes online for you and doyoung to one day grow your future family in. you so desperately wanted to be his forever, the one he turned to for everything. the father of your children, the greatest love of your life the entire world had to offer.

that was all in the past now.

the entire “official” breakup didn’t even hit you until doyoung was moving his stuff out of your shared apartment, little pieces of him vanishing as each minute passed.                                    

the picture of your two year anniversary is no longer on display in the living room, the frame facing the table to signal that the once happy couple in that old photograph are no longer together and madly in love.

the pastel flower magnets doyoung loved to collect and place on the fridge ceased to exist, leaving your kitchen slightly less colourful and fun as they were tossed away in one of the many random boxes he got from the hardware store earlier.

even the ugly rustic coffee table you hated but he adored- something that totally clashed with the aesthetic of the apartment but reminded doyoung of his childhood, all removed from your shared space and never to be seen in your presence again. you begged doyoung for a new one years ago but he always managed to convince you it had charm, always flashing you a wide grin in his process to win your heart over. you never thought the day would come where you’d miss seeing it in your living room.

everything was so clean and spacious. everything was gone.

it was weird seeing your once cluttered home look so different. yet despite all the space, every single memory and experience you shared with doyoung was ever present in your mind, overwhelming you all at once as no future memories between the two of you will be made.

it felt like just yesterday you both signed the lease, accidentally spilling red wine on the brand new white rug doyoung bought an hour after you got the keys, knowing you were eyeing it for months online, refusing to buy it until you officially had a place together.  you were both so excited to start your lives here. to be young and to evolve and to explore your relationship in a manner more romantic and mature than you had the last few years.

all his instruments and songbooks that were once scattered in the corner of your living room are gone, packed in their cases and in doyoung’s car, awaiting their new home once he takes his remaining items and leaves.

it hurts the most when thinking about the bedroom. you haven’t slept there since he started packing his things four days ago, not wanting to get emotional over half the room and its belongings disappearing with what felt like a snap of the fingers.

but you had to make your way in there now, because all you could hear coming from the thin white wall down the hallway were soft, hiccupped sobs- such emotion you weren’t familiar with in months.

part of you wants to let him be and pretend like you hear nothing just so he can gather his thoughts and belongings and be on his way.

but you can’t. because despite how much you tell yourself that this is for the best and you’re past everything, you’re not. there’s a huge part of you that still cares so deeply for doyoung and you wouldn’t ever wish pain on him.

quietly walking into your bedroom towards your once shared bed, you sit beside him. grabbing his hand, you can feel the warmth radiating from his body, reminding you of the days you’d go on long walks, him never letting go of you because he never wanted to break physical contact.

“hi.” you whisper, not entirely sure how to spark a conversation with him. you haven’t been this vulnerable with him in what feels like forever, the last time you saw him cry was over two years ago when your relationship was seemingly at its best. he hasn’t been this upset was when he thought he lost taeyong’s dog, but it turned out that it was yuta’s day to watch him while he went to work.

“hey.” he says, his voice raspy and shaky due to the tears, his face red with anxiety.

“so we’re really doing this, huh?” you ask, your voice beginning to shake as well. seeing doyoung cry always breaks your heart, and the fact that he’s doing so after you both ended things makes you want to crawl in a hole and never leave.

this was hitting you too hard. so much harder than you could’ve ever imagined. you thought that because you both just fell apart and seemed unbothered by such a drastic change in your lives and relationship that he’d pack his things and you’d both be on with your lives. but now that you’re both separating from one another for good when all you’ve known was each other for years, it’s soul crushing.

doyoung is here in your once shared bedroom holding your hand and crying with you because you both failed to make your relationship work despite having such strong feelings for one another.

you love this man so much, yet you know there’s nothing you can do to bring you both back to the state you were once in. you’re different people now, and you can’t mold back into the two young, horny, and madly in love college sophomores anymore thinking you’re going to be together forever.

“god i hate this!” he yells in between sobs, his face getting more and more red as the tears stream down his face. and you hate this too, because you didn’t think this whole process would cause each of you to bawl your eyes out because you don’t want to leave a love and comfort you’ve both outgrown.

you wiped his tears with your fingers, caressing his cheeks to reassure him that none of this is his fault. you needed to be strong for him and yourself, because unfortunately this is life and even the shittiest things happen to good people.

falling out of love unfortunately falls into that category.

he places a kiss on your forehead and wraps his arms tightly around your frame as a final goodbye, embracing all of you within these last few moments as a reminder of how much love and respect he has for you.

“so this is it.” he whispers softly, slowly getting up from the bed and untangling himself from his previous hold on you, acting as if his emotional outburst didn’t even happen, composing himself to make this already hard process the slightest bit easier.

matching his actions, you get up as well and follow him out of the bedroom, glancing back at your half empty room and feeling your heart shatter.

no more stealing his sweaters when you’re cold and want to be comfy. no more late nights of talking or making love. no more doyoung.

“this is it.” you whisper back, not having much to say, the tightness in your chest growing further as you continue to relish in such heartbreak together. you were each other’s first serious loves, and not having that constant in your lives will be such a heart wrenching adjustment.

“i love you, doyoung.” you say, needing to remind him that there will always be a part of him in your heart and that you’re sorry things ended this way.

“i know, love. i’ll always love you. i’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

“i’d like that.” you nod, the emotions filling up your chest, suddenly making it hard to breathe knowing this is all happening now. “be safe getting to your apartment.”

“always.” he winked, tears evident in his eyes as he began to turn his body away from yours and towards the final box beside the front door, turning the knob and leaving for good- gone from the love and home you’ve both invested so much time and warmth into.

you’ve spent so much of your life with this man, planned so much and anticipated such a beautiful future just for it to end and for you both not to know how to fix the broken pieces you left each other in.

maybe someday in the future you and doyoung will get back together and plan that beautiful wedding and have those three beautiful kids in a big house with a pool and a baby french bulldog.

but as for now you are letting go.

#nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct 127 scenarios #doyoung scenarios #doyoung imagines #nct 127 imagines #nct smut #kim doyung #nct #nct 127 #nct angst #kim doyoung scenarios

[autisticcassandracain]

I have many thoughts on the weird phenomena in the DC fandom and the Batfam fandom specifically where probably the majority of people just straight up. haven’t interacted with the source material. and almost all of those thoughts can be summarized as ‘lmao that’s weird and mildly concerning’.

and because I’m annoying I will list them all here right now <3

1. To preface this post, I mean, obviously, comics are inaccessible as all hell, both in the disability kind of way and the ‘you need to understand the concept of hypertime to fully comprehend the DC timeline’ kind of way. Because of this, even if you don’t have a disability that prevents you from reading comics, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to look at the amount of comics you need to read to have even a base understanding of a character and go ‘no thanks <3′ and just enjoy fanart and fanfic in a vacuum. Ultimately, this is fandom, this is supposed to be fun, it doesn’t really matter.

2. That said, it’s VERY weird to me that the majority of this fandom just straight up hasn’t interacted with the source material, and moreover, that it’s considered rude to tell people that they should do so. It’s especially weird considering the amount of fanon-only fans I’ve seen who straight up have a superiority complex over canon. The idea that it’s gatekeeping to tell fans of something to actually interact with canon is just. so weird, and a fundamental misunderstanding of what ‘gatekeeping’ actually entails. 

3. But honestly I’m less interested in discussing the ways in which canon and fanon fans should interact with each other (personally, I think it would be helpful to create separate tags of some kind, but that’d require quite a big overhaul of the current fandom state) than in figuring out how this actually happened in the first place. On the one hand, it’s obvious; long-running superhero comics the way DC writes them have made themselves so thoroughly inaccessible that most people are simply too daunted to even try. Most media has a cohesive beginning and end (or at least, a planned end somewhere). Comics just... don’t.

But I do think it says something that, even among people who are clearly interested in the characters (since they have, you know, entire blogs about them), the effort to get into comics just seems to be too much to even bother. This really doesn’t bode well for the future of DC Comics. Obviously, I am no expert on anything at all ever, but I’d personally be surprised if DC survives beyond the few decades, at least in its current form/without a big overhaul.

4. But on the other hand, I don’t think the confusing state of DC Comics is the only thing to blame here. Fandom has a well-known problem with reducing any character down to archetypes to more easily ship and write fic/make content with. This problem is particularly prominent in fanfic, which, if you read enough of it, you’ll eventually start seeing not just the same tropes and trends, but essentially the same fics over and over again. And not just within the same fandom; everywhere, or every large fandom, at least. 

Fanon Batfam is entirely built on a bunch of those tropes; insecure/depressed sadboy Tim, team mom with optional hidden trauma/emotional problems Dick, bad boy with a heart of gold + sadboy combo Jason, abused sadboy Damian/angry easily-villified-for-fic-reasons monster Damian, good dad Bruce for found family fic and bad dad Bruce for angst fic, etc. This all culminates in a found family dynamic that’s generic and malleable to whatever fic the writer wants to write.

(This isn’t getting into the ship fic, which I avoid like the plague because the vast majority of it is incest, but I’d bet real actual money that the tropes in those fics fall under what is often preferred by the Migratory Slash Fandom.)

By having a decent excuse not to get into canon (the inaccessibility of comics) and a, by now, well-established fanon fandom, many fans feel free to use the batfam fandom as essentially an excuse to write whatever fic with reduced archetypes and tropes they personally feel the itch to write, without having to bother with even consuming a canon. This is compounded by the fact that canon itself is often contradictory and frankly bad, meaning that whatever interpretation of a character you want/need to go for your fic is at least theoretically backed up by canon (for example, you can just as easily cast Bruce as an abusive shithole dad who his kids need to get away from as a loving father figure who cares deeply for his children), which you can always use as a defense if people question your characterization.

5. This focus on fandom trends and tropes over actual creativity or care for the characters is also visible in the way bigotry manifests in this fandom; namely, in literally the exact way you’d expect. The female characters and characters of colour are shuffled to the side, non-existent, vilified, and/or reduced to harmful stereotypes. 

Barbara is probably the one I saw the most often in fanfic, but usually just as ‘Dick’s girlfriend’, and even then, she was often vilified for Dick angst (especially in fics about examining Dick’s trauma from his canon sexual assault; Kori also often gets the short end of the stick in those). After that, probably Stephanie, who fanon fans don’t really seem to know what to do with, so she’s basically just there as comic relief waffle girl, most of the time, though sometimes she can be used to either further Tim angst or further vilify Tim, whatever the fic calls for. Cass has gotten included more in batfam fics as of late, likely in response to critiques of fandom racism for leaving her out, but again, it’s clear people don’t actually know what to do with her. She’s often reduced to a racist stereotype of a quite, stoic therapist for whatever guy du jour needs it. That, or she’s in Hong Kong and just not there. Duke especially gets left in the dust in fandom, usually just being non-existent, but when he’s there, he’s almost always nothing more than the straight man for the actual fun characters to play off of. Talia probably has it the worst, though, and almost universally gets vilified by fanon stans in order to write sadboy Damian.

All of this is extremely predictable behaviour and falls entirely in line with general fandom misogyny and racism; ignoring or vilifying women and characters of colour, or using them as very minor characters at best. The only two characters of colour who aren’t regularly left out of fic are Dick and Damian, who are both also conveniently the two characters most often drawn and written in a whitewashed manner. In addition, there’s a real trend of demonizing Damian in fanon fics where he isn’t written as an abused sadboy, which I’d argue is in no small part due to fandom racism, considering Damian’s behaviour is in no way as bad as Jason’s, who doesn’t get anywhere close to the same demonization and gets woobiefied instead. I also find it convenient that Damian is probably the batboy who receives the most vilification in fic, when he’s the most obviously non-white of the batboys they’re willing to acknowledge.

Fandom often cries for more diversity in canon, only to ignore the diversity already there and focus on the same generic white guys. The batfam fandom is a brilliant example of this.

Which is not to say that fandom racism and misogyny isn’t present in the canon parts of the fandom (and canon itself); it absolutely 100% is. But I’ve found that canon fans are also more likely to like and care about at least one of the characters I’ve listed as ignored/vilified, and are willing to create and consume content for them, whereas fanon fans... aren’t, really. I’ve never seen a fan of fanon Cass the way I’ve seen fans of fanon Dick, for example. Obviously, this could just be by coincidence, or I’ve just surrounded myself with people like that, but it’s been a trend I noticed. Racism and misogyny is present in every part of this fandom and should be addressed as such, but I feel like it manifests the most blatantly in the fanon parts of this fandom. 

(I’d also recommend the articles Migratory Slash Fandom’s Focus and Beige Blank Slates, which expand more on the type of fandom racism I think is especially prominent in the batfam fandom, as well as literally every article in the What Fandom Racism Looks Like series.)

6. All this leads me to conclude that the majority of fanon fans don’t actually like the characters all that much; they’re convenient excuses for them to participate in fandom. Which I also think is, in no small part, a reason why so many of them react so negatively to being told to pick up a comic; they came to this fandom specifically to consume it as a fandom, because they wanted the fandom experience without having to consume a canon. 

This is not a phenomena unique to the batfam fandom (again, see the Migratory Slash Fandom), but it does fascinate me. While fandom is often said to be an experience focusing on transformative art, I think it’s also safe to say that, especially as fandom has become more mainstream, an increasing amount of people are looking to it less as a way to engage with their favourite pieces of media, and more as a type of media in and of itself. I think the reasons for this are similar to the reasons mass media entertainment like the MCU are so popular; you gain a lot of enjoyment out of it with very little risk involved. 

By consuming the same fics of the same characters (or the same archetypes) over and over again, you are rarely at risk of being challenged or even disappointed. It’s often very clear right from the start whether or not a fic will appeal to you, and if it isn’t, it’s easy to just look for another one. It requires less emotional investment than most other types of media, even ‘popcorn media’ like the MCU - or, yes, DC Comics. It’s safe, it’s enjoyable, it’s comforting, like McDonalds, but just like McDonalds, it’s ultimately bland and unsubstantial. 

7, TL;DR. Ultimately, I don’t think it’s like, wrong to enjoy the fanon version of the batfam without wanting to engage with canon, and I certainly don’t think it’s okay to harrass people over it. But I do think it’s in large part based on a desire to interact with fandom rather than other pieces of media because people are scared of being let down by those pieces of media (or worse, just uninterested in actually thinking), which is mildly concerning. 

#long post #my posts #infodumping #btw i say this as someone who also has trouble consuming much more than popcorn media/fanfic due to emotional exhaustion #but it's not a healthy habit and it's something people can and should try to break out of #also obviously this isn't about EVERY fanon fan specifically so if this doesn't apply to you specifically great then move on

[soupthatistohot]

Why do I write primarily mlm fanfic?

This was something I asked myself the other day. I am a girl, I think I'm queer (but I am attracted to men, whatever I am), so why do I fixate on mlm relationships? Why do I never feel compelled to write wlw or even just some good 'ol straight stuff? I brought this up to a few friends of mine who also watch anime. One of them said that it’s because lots of popular media only really focuses on developing their male characters well, and I think this to be a very suitable explanation (as well as the fact that I’m queer and thus gravitate towards queer stories).

Take Sk8 the Infinity for example. I could count the number of female characters in this anime on one hand, and one of them is a robot. The others are supporting roles who only serve to support the male main characters. I love Sk8 very much, and with the possibility of a 2nd season I’d love to see a prominent, well-developed female character (but if they make her Reki’s love interest I will literally stab someone). But as the anime stands right now, there are no female characters that aren't just basically plot devices.

Another show I love dearly, Yuri!!! on Ice, is much the same. While there can be more of an argument made here because 1) competitive figure skating is split up between men and women, and 2) I believe that the story Yuuri and Victor is absolutely meant to be a romance, so having the two men as the focus is somewhat necessary, there's an overwhelming lack of fleshed-out women in the story. All the female characters are supporting members that only exist for the benefit of male characters. Yuuko and Minako support Yuuri, Lilia exists so Yuri P. can improve, Mila is just... kind of there, and Sara's whole character is centered around her brother being overprotective of her.

Okay, so let's look at something a little less... fruity. Horimiya. I've only watched the anime, so if there's stuff I miss from not having read the manga (yet), please forgive me. I still think this is a valid perspective, though, because if there's female development that the creators decided was so unimportant that it could be cut, that still supports my point here. In my opinion, Miyamura is a lot more developed than Hori. He has his tragic backstory of being a loner, and having his secret piercings and tattoos and all that. A lot of the story ends up focusing on his side of things... despite the fact that Hori is the protagonist. The story follows her perspective for the most part, we learn things about Miyamura as she does, yet I feel like she's a bit dull. She has a uncommon home life and has to take care of her younger brother, that's her big bad secret? I get that it's kind of unexpected since she's the pretty, perfect, popular girl, but I still feel like it's a tad anticlimactic. It's hardly ever addressed beyond the first few episodes, too, and it just kind of exists as a fact within the story. Even beyond our main couple, it seems like the other female characters development and stories are all focused on the boy they're interested in (except for Sawada, but she's there for like a couple of episodes and then doesn't really show up all that much again... and her crush on Hori is handled really weird, I didn't exactly love it). Remi's entire character is pretty much centered around her boyfriend, and Sakura and Yuki are basically competing for Toru. Meanwhile, the guys have story beats themed around the girls they're interested in, but I feel like it's not as obsessive or dramatic as how the girls are depicted.

So, we're given these female characters, who are really watered-down and honestly kind of boring, and we're not super compelled to write about them. When we are given flat female characters, there's nothing to work with. It's more fun to use the characters who have had development and play around with the "what ifs" and our own personal headcannons. The characters who get this special treatment are primarily male. And while I commend a lot of shows for developing their male characters in such a way that doesn't exactly fit with society's idea of masculinity (ex: Reki's insecurities and depression, Yuuri's anxiety and femininity, Miyamura's isolation and depression), in the end these characters are still boys, men, males.

I also think mlm is so prominent because of both straight girls and queer people. For straight girls, it can often be fetishization (forgive my generalizing, I'm sure not all straight girls are like that, but an overwhelming amount definitely are). I think one of the best examples I can give for this is Phan. This is a bit different since it's not anime, but instead real people, but if anything that really drives home the point even more. The way Dan and Phil were (and probably still are) treated in the fandom internet space is disturbing, to say the least. Their audience, while much of it was queer, was also made up of an overwhelming amount of heterosexual girls who not only shipped them intensely, but also often sexualized them. And look, there's nothing inherently wrong with being a straight girl and writing smut, but it gets to a point where it can be kind of weird if its excessive. Like, if that's all the relationship is really about, and if the people you're writing about are real human beings, that's definitely overstepping. I will admit that I had a Wattpad and that I wrote Phanfic way back when, and this is something I'm not exactly proud of. Granted, I did not write anything explicit, it was still super weird, whether or not I was queer. And I'm not saying all the problematic aspects of the Phandom were because of straight girls, because what I contributed was arguably problematic, and I did not identify as straight at the time. At the same time, though, there were straight girls who wrote exclusively smut (or "lemons" as they might've been referred to at the time). There were those who analyzed every post, every bit of information they could find about these men on the internet. They obsessed over the fact that they occasionally shared clothes (which is fairly common for roomates of similar sizes to do), and gathered evidence to support the theory that they shared a bed. It was bad. It was invasive, and it got to the point where it wasn't about the people, it was about the fetishized fantasy these girls made up in their heads about these real, actual men.

Dan and Phil's online presence kind of disappeared for a few years... and I don't blame them.

Getting back on track, mlm is prominent for queer people because it's the LGBT representation they so desperately want to see actualized in media. If a show doesn't make their favorite queer ship canon (and they often don't), they'll do it themselves! That's what fanfic is for! I also know that queer people project onto these characters a lot, and that writing about them is almost like a form of therapy. They see these characters as queer, and they see themselves in these characters, so they write about these characters experiencing similar emotions to them. The thing is, the most compelling characters are male, so those are the characters they end up focusing on, even if the person in question is strictly sapphic. My best example is how I project onto Reki. Personally, I end up thinking of him as (and thus end up writing him as) having some internalized homophobia around being bisexual. That's literally what I am currently going through. I can't project this onto any of the female characters in Sk8, because I couldn't see them going through this experience because they're not developed enough to.

Despite all of this, I still enjoy all of the shows I mention a lot. I think it's just an interesting topic that I was thinking about. I'm not trying to bash anything that I used as an example, these were just my personal observations based off of what I know about these shows and their fandoms. I do, though, believe shipping real people isn't super cool, and I stand by that as someone who used to do it. I'm not going to stop you... I just think it's intrusive and inappropriate to pretend like you know enough about influencers to dictate who they should be involved with romantically. Their love life is, frankly, none of your damn business.

So, long story short, we should make anime (and popular media in general) less misogynistic.

(Also, please leave Dan and Phil alone, they deserve privacy)

#fandom #anime #mlm #queer #lgbt #lgbtqia #sk8 the infinity #yuri!!! on ice #yuri on ice #horimiya #kind of an essay #kind of a brain dump #I hope I got my point across #I spent a little bit too much time of this probably #yes I was a phannie a little while ago #don't judge me #I didn't want to tag this as phan for fear that they would attack me #I don't need the wrath of the phandom

[alpacaparkaseok]

The Other Side

Part One

Genre: KSJ Soulmate au

Warnings: none

Word Count: 8.7k

What is tachycardia?

Tachycardia: abnormally high heart rate

Causes: exercise, stress, anxiety, fear, anger, or love

Ventricular tachycardia: may be life threatening; please see: “soulmate”

Since I could begin to retain information around the age of four, I have been taught one thing over and over again.

Soulmates = mortal danger.

Granted, I wasn't the only one who was taught this. I wasn’t raised in some strange cult or taught that love was discouraged.

No, actually. It’s just a part of life.

Soulmates are commonplace, my own parents being an example of that. The world we live in is riddled with beautiful contradictions, one of the most prominent of all those lovely contradictions being the existence of soulmates.

There is no fancy system put into place, no timer or thread of fate that ties us together. There’s really no way of knowing who or when or where you’ll meet the person that is supposed to complete you and bring joy to your life.

I’m sure there’s some sort of way that fate decides when, seeing as the majority of people meet at a fairly young age. The number of soulmates that meet over the age of fifty are few; although it’s been known to happen a couple of times among senior citizens placed into nursing homes.

Soulmates are the sole reason that most children can pronounce the word “tachycardia” before they reach the age of seven.

Tachycardia typically isn’t fatal, it’s something people tend to experience quite often when the circumstances change. Out on a run? You’re probably experiencing tachycardia. Terrified that there’s a burglar in the house? Yep, tachycardia coming right up.

Have you just stumbled across your soulmate for the first time? Tachycardia in its most extreme form will hit you like a brick wall in just a second.

“Who can tell me what the first response you should have when you see that someone has made contact with their soulmate?”

A flurry of hands fly up to the sky, my own included. The steps are rushing around in my brain, just begging to be let out.

“Haneul?” I’m called on and fight a smile as I answer my instructor’s question.

“First, move one of them to a separate room. Place a door between them if possible, and then call 911 if there are no soulmate assistants available.”

My instructor nods, smiling warmly at me. “Exactly. Now can somebody go through the calming exercises step by step…”

Somebody nudges my side, and I turn to see my friend and fellow applicant, Yuri, smiling at me.

“You’re totally getting in,” she whispers to me.

I roll my eyes. “Just because I answered one question right?”

“He remembered your name...that definitely means something.”

Turning my attention back to the front before we’re caught whispering, I entertain the idea before kicking it out. It’s best to not think about it too much, I can’t look like I’m bored or not paying attention. This is too important a day to give a bad impression. The sigil on the instructor’s shirt only serves as a reminder.

The Bighit entertainment logo stands out like a beacon as the instructor moves about, calling up a couple of applicants to demonstrate how to properly restrain someone without hurting them.

His movements call attention to the yellow circle below the Bighit logo, the color that marks him as a ‘soulmate assistant’. Basically just a fancy word for someone who has to make sure if an idol accidentally meets a soulmate at a concert or any other event, nobody dies.

Everyone goes home happy. Alive, and newly bonded.

And if I get this job, that means I’ll go home happy and paid. That’s all I could ever want, isn’t it?

If we’re being completely honest, being hired on as a professional soulmate assistant for Bighit or any other big agency would be a dream come true for someone like me. I would get to travel, meet new people, all the while receiving a steady paycheck while attending concerts for free.

Sure, it’s a tough job. It requires constant vigilance; a single yawn at the wrong time could mean disaster. Which is part of the reason why my parents thought I was a bit crazy wanting to go into such a profession. They backed off a little once I showed them what kind of money I’d be in for, though.

All of it has led to this moment: going through one final walkthrough before we’re called in for individual interviews and eventually left to leave things up to fate. It’s a pretty big deal to have even made it this far. The actual interview process with the soulmate board of Bighit entertainment is rigorous, eventually leading to a one on one interview with one of the managers of either TXT or BTS.

Our group that started off with just over 200 applicants has been filed down to ten. Tensions are high, Yuri’s near constant fidgeting is a sure sign of that.

Ten remain, but only two will be hired on. One for BTS, and one for TXT.

Not gonna lie, I’m hoping I’m getting interviewed for TXT. I have a hunch that Yeonjun, Beomgyu and I would get along great.

Not that I’m picking favorites.

Our small overview comes to an end, the instructor getting to the part we’ve all been waiting for.

“If you’ll remain here for a few minutes, we’ll be pulling a few of you in for interviews. Remember, if you don’t get interviewed today that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Don’t overthink it too much.”

The instructor leaves the room, and a collective sigh goes throughout our small group. Yuri is bouncing her knee, keeping her eyes planted on the wall in front of her. All I can do is wait, I suppose.

Life is cruel that way. It’s the same way with soulmates. All there is to do is wait. Live life as if you aren’t waiting for that one heartstopping (or rather, heartstarting), moment in which you come face to face with the person fate has decided will love you better than anyone else on earth.

It would be foolish of me to say that everyday for the past four years I haven’t entered my classes on campus or any restaurant holding my breath in hopes that today would be the day. College campuses are a kind of hotspot for soulmate activity; one of my trainings was actually spent just shadowing different classes and waiting for something to happen. It was my first hands-on training, and it only lasted a week.

In a single week I assisted in four different soulmate placings.

And that was in the middle of midterms; when the odds of meeting your soulmate are fairly low because stress levels are high. People are less likely to mingle with different groups of people, if they even bother to look up from their textbooks at all. So needless to say I was always waiting for it to happen.

Always waiting, never experiencing. It’s safe to say that after I graduated both my parents and I were a bit disappointed. While it’s not necessarily uncommon for people to reach college graduation age without a soulmate, it’s also an instant way to get everyone to pity you.

Sure, I wallowed for a while in self-pity. However, once I set my mind on pursuing a career in soulmate assisting within an idol group, I was an unstoppable force. And as for finding my soulmate? I used the possibility of working for Bighit as another way to make my parents feel better about their lack of a son-in-law.

If I get the job, I’ll be traveling the world. The chances of me meeting my soulmate would surely skyrocket.

“Choi Haneul?”

I jerk out of my stupor to see the instructor waving me over. Yuri gives me a light nudge, smiling at me encouragingly as I make my way over to the door with a pounding heart.

Fun fact: many people panic and think they’re experiencing what are referred to as “soulmate spikes” the second they start to feel a spike in their heart rate. 9.9/10 times they’re wrong. One way to tell if you really are experiencing soulmate spikes (the initial spike in heart rate upon seeing your soulmate) is if you’re also experiencing intense tunnel vision.

The instructor gives me a curt nod, refusing to give anything away. He simply escorts me down the hallway and into a room where someone is looking over some papers.

Sejin, manager of BTS.

Maybe he’ll pass me along to TXT if he thinks I’d vibe better with them? No, I think to myself. There’s no way I’m about to undermine myself.

“Choi Haneul?” Sejin asks me, a light smile on his face as he looks up at me. I nod, unsure of whether or not I should even say anything. “Please, take a seat.”

The instructor closes the door behind him as he leaves, and suddenly I’m alone with someone I never realized could be perceived as intimidating.

“It’s very nice to meet you, I’m Sejin.”

I nod, fighting a sarcastic chuckle. Does he actually think I don’t know who he is, or is he just being polite? “I’m Haneul, thank you for having me.”

Sejin smiles again, looking back down at his papers. “Of course. Now, this probably won’t be a very long interview. Your stats speak for themselves.” He waves the paper in the air, and I see my application form as well as my transcripts from college. “I do just have a few questions for you, if that’s alright?”

“Of course.” I put pressure on my legs, reminding myself to keep still.

“Wonderful. First off, how comfortable are you with constantly being in new environments and having to adapt to an idol’s schedule? It’s a rigorous one.”

Chewing on the inside of my cheek I process the question. “I wouldn’t say that I’m very comfortable at all.”

Sejin’s eyes grow wide, but he proceeds. “And why is that?”

“I wouldn’t want to grow comfortable with it. That would draw away my attention from my job, and my job pretty much depends upon me remaining alert at all times. Now, could I adapt to the schedule? Without a doubt.”

Sejin gives a small chuckle, leaning back against his seat. “Huh. Interesting.”

☆

“C’mon, we have to celebrate!” Yuri bounces up and down, practically glowing. “I can’t believe we both got interviewed!”

I smile along with her, still a little giddy. “Yeah, but don’t you think that’s a little premature? It was just an interview, after all. The really important part is if they call you after.”

“Whatever, don’t you want to celebrate with me? I never thought I’d make it past the first week.”

That I can definitely agree with. It’s a competitive field for sure, and the agency does its best to weed out the weak. For good reason, obviously. Nearly half of the applicants the first week in were fangirls hoping they would match up with one of the idols they might work with. And the other half? Those were the ones who quickly realized that they weren’t crazy enough to want a job that required excessive time and effort.

“Alright, where do you want to go?”

Yuri jumps in place making me laugh. Dragging me along behind her, we take the first taxi we can find. The streets of Seoul are filling up now that the evening is coming along. It’s a Friday night; everybody is going to be out and about, celebrating the end of another week.

When we make it to the little hole-in-the-wall restaurant that the two of us have frequented a little too much over the past few months, there’s a fairly large crowd mulling about. We squeeze into a booth after paying for our food, finally able to eat without feeling like I’m going to throw up from the stress.

“Wow, is it just me or does this taste even better now?” Yuri looks up at me with wide eyes and full mouth.

“Is it just me or do you look like a gopher right now?”

If it wasn’t for the piles of food between us I’m sure she would have smacked me. She settles for a quick kick to the shin instead. Hissing at her, she offers me a sweet smile.

“So what’s Sejin like? He’s always seemed like a sweet little teddy bear to me.” Yuri asks before shoving more food into her mouth.

I shrug, thinking back over my interview. The entire thing probably only lasted about 20 minutes, but I think it went well. “He’s nice. Professional, but he honestly wasn’t that grueling. He just said my stats pretty much did all the talking. I think he was just trying to see if I was crazy or not.”

Yuri snorts, nodding along. “Same. Do you think you passed the crazy test?”

“Too soon to tell.”

We delve back into our food, talking more about our interviews. Despite the huge unanswered question hanging between us, did we make it?, the stress from earlier has dissipated. There’s nothing left to do except wait. I feel satisfied with all the work I’ve put in; there’s not a lot more I could’ve done.

It’s the sound of someone’s phone ringing that has us pausing. We look at each other with wide eyes, but there’s no way they’ve already made their decision-

“It’s just my mom,” Yuri sighs out as she brings the phone to her ear. She chats with her mother for a few minutes, reassuring her that everything went well today. I mindlessly push my food around, the sound of Yuri’s ringtone put me on edge for a moment. They definitely won’t call tonight. We just finished!

“What did your mom say?” I ask once she hangs up. Yuri shrugs.

“Just wanted to know if I was interviewed. She said she’s rooting for the both of us, she seemed pretty relieved that we’re not going for the same position.”

That’s right. While I was pulled in for an interview with Sejin, Yuri was pulled in for an interview with TXT’s managers. As far as we’re concerned, we’re now contending for our spots as soulmate assistants to two different groups. And considering that each group is only looking for 1 assistant, it’s pretty competitive. The instructor did say there was a small chance of hiring two per group, just depending on their needs. One of those would only be a part-time assistant though. Definitely not the ideal position.

“Yeah, same here-”

Yuri’s phone lights up again, and this time there is no sigh of relief as she sees who’s calling.

Looking up at me with wide eyes, she looks like she might throw up all the food we just ate. “It’s the agency.”

Gasping aloud, I drop my chopsticks and wave at her to hurry. “Answer it! Quick!” Yuri gives me a terrified look before slowly bringing the phone up to her ear. I chew on my lip as I watch her expression change from terrified to startled.

“R-really? That’s great news!” Yuri bounces up and down in her seat, and I mirror her movement. “Of course! 9am? Sounds perfect...I’ll be there! Thank you so much!”

She drops her phone on the table as she pants. “...so?” I ask her, and she grins up at me.

“I got the job!”

We both scream a little louder than necessary, the people sitting in the both across from us glaring in our direction. “No way! That was so fast!”

She nods, running her hands through her hair. “I know! They just said the decision was easier to make than they expected, seeing as I have the most experience out of the people they interviewed. I’m supposed to head in tomorrow to go over the contract and get to work.”

There’s a little twist of uncertainty in the pit of my stomach as I realize that Yuri was hired within a matter of hours. What does that mean for me?

“That’s amazing, Yuri. I’m so proud of you.”

She shakes her head, unable to stop smiling. “I’ve got to call my mom, should we head out?” I nod, following her out of the restaurant. She’s practically skipping to a taxi, waving it over. I laugh at her behavior.

“I can’t believe it though. Make sure you tell Yeonjun that we’re meant to be best friends.”

Yuri slides into the taxi, and I follow after her. She fixes me with a dazed smile as she gives directions to her apartment. We live in the same complex, so it’s easy to go anywhere with her.

“I’ll be sure to tell him. Who knows, maybe the two of you are soulmates!” Yuri winks at me even as I cringe.

“No way, he’s way too young for me.”

Rolling her eyes, Yuri manages to get one more comment out before her mother answers the phone. “Whatever, you’re only like what? Three years older? Mom! Guess what!”

By the time we make it to our apartments Yuri is still gushing to her mom on the phone. My own parents texted me, I just responded and told them I was interviewed. Their obvious excitement over making the interview fails to buoy me up, though. Not when I’m becoming more and more convinced that I’m not going to be receiving a call tonight.

Perhaps I’ll wake up to a consolation email in the morning, thanking me for my time and sending me on my way.

Yuri invites me over to her apartment to continue in the celebrations, but I opt out of it. She frowns, about to apologize or something but I speak up before she can. I don’t want any apologies; not yet. That makes it seem like it’s really over.

“My parents are begging me to call them and you know how long they can talk for,” I say, backing away. “I’d better go call them now so I can still get to sleep at a decent time. Congrats again, Yuri. You deserve it. Let me know how everything goes tomorrow, ok?”

Yuri nods, still frowning. “You sure you don’t need anything?”

“Nope! I’m all good. Good night!”

I wave before turning and heading up the stairs. Yuri lives on the ground floor whereas I live on the third. It’s a small apartment complex, and it’s pretty quiet most of the time. Tonight though, people are celebrating the weekend, and the sounds delve into my ears until I have to screw my eyes shut and press my hands up to my ears.

Leaning against my door the second I close it behind me, I sigh. The thoughts are too loud in my head right now.

What started off as a hopeful day has effectively crashed and burned right before my eyes.

Peaking one eye open I glare at the big world map I have hanging up in my living room. To anyone else it’s just another lovely piece of artwork. Painted on a thin canvas with vibrant greens, blues and purples it draws the eye and fills people with wanderlust.  

For me it represents a dream that is becoming more and more unobtainable.

My best friend from my childhood found her soulmate five years ago. We were freshly graduated from high school, it was perfect. I thought that it was perfect, at least. They were able to finish growing up together, figuring out college and taking time to really fall in love before life became too crazy to hardly eat.

They got married two years ago. It was beautiful and they made it look so easy. They finished up college together and moved to Gwacheon. I haven’t seen her for a year now, we’ve just been naturally growing apart.

She’s always been supportive of me trying to find my soulmate. It’s odd, seeing that I’ve always been the one obsessed with learning about them and preparing for that moment and she’s the one that just happened to stumble upon her soulmate right after she turned 18. But she never made me feel like I was falling behind or at a loss.

Our last phone call reminds me of the entire reason why I bought that gigantic world map in the first place, hanging it where I would see it every time I walked in the door at the end of the day.

“You know Haneul, he’s out there. There’s no question about that.”

“I know...just, where? I’m starting to think that he doesn’t want to be found.”

“That’s not true. And if it is, I’ll personally slug him for you.”

“Thanks, I think?”

“You know what you need to do, Han?”

“I’m sure you’re about to tell me.”

“Of course I am. You just have to go out there! Get out in the world, get out of Seoul, and go live your life! The second you get out and start living your life will be when everything falls into place for you. I’m certain of it.”

“I’d love to do that, really. But how on earth do I manage that? I need a stable job, I have an apartment to pay for. I can’t just leave everything to go in search of someone I’ve never met and who maybe isn’t ready to be found.”

“It’s up to you. But I know you, and you’re not happy. I can’t imagine it, I’m not going to pretend to understand. We both know I got lucky...but really Haneul. I know it’s scary and there’s a lot that you don’t know the first thing about, but I just think that if you want to move on from this you have to leave the apartment and get out there. And you think he isn’t ready to be found? Nobody ever is. But I can guarantee that the two of you are both ready to be loved.”

It’s been nearly ten months since that phone call, and it’s been nearly ten months since I became friends with Yuri and found out about the agencies beginning their hiring process. It seemed too good to be true, especially once I found out about the heavy schedule filled with nearly nonstop travelling and meeting people.

I always knew there was a reason I went into the soulmates studies. Finally it seemed like the opportunities were appearing that I so desperately needed.

Ten months. Rigorous training and exhausting schedules that sometimes had me wondering if this really was the right path for me.

But every night, sometimes late enough to see the black sky begin to turn to a hazy gray with the promise of dawn approaching before I even had a chance to sleep, I stumbled home and saw that map.

Somewhere. Every night, I’d see it and chant the word to myself. Somewhere. You’re somewhere out there.

It’s worth it, isn’t it?

Slowly standing up from my position against the door, I glare at my phone as I take it from my pocket. No phone call.

Another glance at the map, the beautiful colors and lines mocking me as it tells me that while he may be somewhere, I am still here. And as long as I remain here, where my soulmate is will be a big question mark.

No phone call. No job. No soulmate.

Rubbing the back of my neck, I make my way to my bedroom. Now would probably be a great time to shower, but I’d much rather just lay here on my bed and stare up at the ceiling as I wallow in self-pity.

“Happy Friday night to me.”

☆

I think it’s on the third ring that I wake up from my slumber, still in my clothes from the day before. Groaning out a few incoherent words, I search my blanket for where my phone is ringing incessantly.

“Who…?”

Finally grasping my phone, I hold it up to my squinting eyes. My mouth drops open of its own accord, my heart rate spiking. Clearing my throat, I attempt to sound like I didn’t just wake up as I answer the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hello, I’m calling for Choi Haneul?”

My voice gets caught in my throat. “S-speaking.”

“Wonderful. My apologies for calling you so early, I’m manager Sejin, I interviewed you yesterday?”

Straightening out my clothes even though he can’t see them, I nearly scoff at the idea of him having to introduce himself. Like I’d forget.

“Right, no worries. How may I help you?” Slipping into the role of gracious host, I chew on my lip.

Sejin wastes no time getting to the point. “We certainly didn’t expect to come to a decision so quickly, but after reviewing the interviews and applicants, you were a standout Miss Choi. As a representative of Bighit entertainment and manager of BTS, I would like to offer you the position of central soulmate assistant. That is, if you’re still interested.”

I’m practically floating above the floor by the time Sejin finishes speaking. “I- yes! Yes, I would be honored.”

Sejin chuckles lowly. “That’s perfect. Let’s see it’s...6:30 am now? Would you be alright to head in to the company by 9 to go over your contract and meet with the senior soulmate assistant?”

He could have asked me to show up wearing nothing but a garbage bag at 3 in the morning, and I wouldn’t hesitate to say yes.

“Of course, I’ll be there!”

“I’ll send you an email with where to go and further instructions.”

“Thank you!”

Laughing again, Sejin allows me this bit of joy. “Thank you, Miss Choi. I’ll see you shortly.”

I’m nearly panting as I end the call, falling back against my bed and staring up at the ceiling with a mad grin. Then, body bursting with excitement I leap up from the bed and hurdle into the front room.

Hurtling to a stop before my map still hanging on the wall, I call my parents.

☆

“I wonder what it’s liiiiike,” I sing at the top of my lungs as I rummage through my closet for something to wear. Double checking the email from manager Sejin, I decide that it might be best to bring in some backup.

Bringing my phone up to my ear, I wait for Yuri to answer the phone. It’s barely seven in the morning, chances are she’s just getting ready as well.

“Haneul?”

The grin that’s been a permanent resident on my face for the past thirty minutes grows wider. “Yuri! I was wondering, could I carpool with you to the agency?”

It’s silent on the other side while Yuri connects the dots. “What do you mean...wait, shut up! You got it?! You got the job?!”

Yuri screams louder than I did while I was on the phone with my parents, but now I can’t help but scream right back. “YES! I got it! They just called me this morning!”

We’re both a happy mess as Yuri decides to bring her things upstairs to get ready with me. “I already picked out my outfit last night, I’ll just bring it up. Be right there!!” She really doesn’t waste any time, because less than two minutes later I open the door to find a panting Yuri nearly buried beneath her pile of clothes and makeup bags.

“Here, let me take that,” I mutter, laughing as she lets me ease some items of clothing off of her pile. “That was fast.”

“Han!!! I’m so happy for you!” As soon as we dump her stuff on my bed, Yuri pounces on me and begins trying to strangle me like a boa constrictor. “I was so nervous for you, and I didn’t want this to drive us apart. I knew for a fact that you were by far the most qualified, they would’ve been complete idiots to let you go!”

Laughing, I drag the both of us over to the closet. “What are you wearing to this, then? What does ‘casual-nice’ even look like?”

Yuri takes the opportunity to show me her outfit, my jaw dropping as she puts it on and shows it off.

“I was thinking something like this,” Yuri says as she straightens out the sleeves of the sweater she wears beneath the checkered brown dress.

My mouth drops open of its own accord. “Wow.”

Yuri frowns as she goes to look at herself in the mirror. “Is it too much?”

“No,” I shake my head as I delve into my thoughts. “I’m just thinking that you’re going to make everyone in there wish you were their soulmate.”

Cheeks turning a furious red color, Yuri waves off my comment. “Whatever. Let’s find you something to wear.”

In the end I try on four different outfits before settling on one that I think will do the job. It’s certainly more simple than Yuri’s but I find that it’s more functional.

“So pretty,” Yuri coos as she gets ready beside me, the vanity proving to have just enough space for the two of us.

“Me or you?” I question, smirking at her. Yuri grins.

“Both.”

☆

Yuri ends up driving us to the agency, much to my eternal gratitude. Once the time came closer, I began to become more and more nervous. It’s been a long time since I’ve started a new job; I’ve been working at the university for the past four years and only quit about a month ago in order to make room for the rigorous training that was a result of making it to the final round of applicants.

I’m grateful for Yuri’s company as she chatters about how excited she is, it’s keeping my mind off of the nerves that are currently tying themselves into a knot in the pit of my stomach.

“I just really think that the boys seem really genuine, you know?” She says, tapping out the beat to the song playing on the radio on the steering wheel. “From everything that I’ve seen and heard about them, they seem really cool. I’m excited to meet them.”

Shaking my head numbly as we slow to a stop before a red light, I try to remember just how badly I wanted this job. “Yeah, they do. I’m jealous, I wanted TXT!”

Yuri cackles as she glances over at me. “You can’t even complain, you’re probably going to be paid way more than me!”

That much is true. While Yuri will still be traveling a lot and certainly have her hands full with the five members, I’m going to be paid more. With the constant traveling, meetings, and seven total members, my job will be nonstop.

Either way, the moral of the story is this: we’re about to make some major money. But there won’t really ever be enough time to spend it.

That’s not why people become soulmate assistants. Those that go after it for the money are quickly weeded out. A job that requires all of your time and then some is exhausting, and the uncertain element of every situation is enough to drive some people crazy. I’ve heard about how concerts can be nightmares sometimes, especially when the crowd is huge.

Just imagine it: one of the group members makes eye contact with someone for less than a second, and suddenly they’ve got tunnel vision and are trying to jump off the stage into the sea of adoring fans that are all too happy to receive them. Then, somewhere in the crowd of thousands of fans, there’s a poor person who’s freaking out and feeling the symptoms of tachycardia, but guess what? So is everyone in the crowd. Adrenaline is pumping through them all since they’re at their favorite band’s concert.

Long story short, it’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack. The biggest thing is for one of the soulmate assistants to grab the idol before they can abandon all reason and their heart gives out, and the other assistant has to find the fan who’s wildest dream just came true.

It doesn’t happen that often, but it has been known to happen on occasion. The most recent was at a TWICE concert, where Sana happened upon her soulmate in the middle of a set. The video of the soulmate assistant acting in record time to contain the situation went viral and it’s one that I had to watch several times throughout my training.

“You guys have a senior assistant, don’t you?” I ask, wondering at my title as central soulmate assistant.

“Yep,” Yuri starts back up again as the light turns green, checking the clock. We’ve still got plenty of time. “From the email they sent me it sounds like I’ll be a junior assistant for about six months before moving up to senior.”

“So fast?”

Yuri shrugs. “Sounds like the senior assistant is about ready to retire. What’s your title?”

“Central.”

“Oh, so fancy.”

There are typically two different forms of soulmate assistant hierarchy; the junior/senior pattern and then the central system.

Junior/senior system is pretty self-explanatory: the senior assistant has typically worked with the group for a while already, and the junior assistant acts as an apprentice of sorts. Learning the trade and preparing to someday take over the responsibilities of the senior assistant. They work as a team to ensure the safety of the group.

A central assistant is a more in-depth and new system. Essentially, I’ll have eyes and ears everywhere from various staff members, who are constantly updating me on potential soulmates. All of the staff have been educated in the basics of soulmate studies, so they know what to do to subdue the situation if need be.

According to Sejin’s email, I will most likely be the only licensed soulmate assistant on the team. My job is to remain close to the members so I can hopefully be the first on the scene to help and get everything under way.

It’s exciting, but also a lot of pressure. My only hope is that the boys don’t run into their soulmates for a while; I would like to at least get to know everyone before having to get all up in their personal space.

The agency looms before us in the morning sun, looking somehow inviting and dreadful at the same time. Yuri follows what the security tells her at the front, parking in the parking garage before turning the car off.

8:42.

“We’re a bit early, but at least now we’ll be able to find where we’re supposed to go.”

I nod numbly at her words, trying to fight the pounding in my heart. 

Side Effect #1: Rapid Pulse Rate

“I’m kind of freaking out.”

“Me too. I’m glad you’re here, though.”

“I’m glad you’re here, too.” I grin at Yuri.

It’s quiet in the car before we build up the courage to get out. Our shoes tap against the ground, filling the silent garage with noise. Once inside, we’re directed by a receptionist toward the offices of Sejin and TXT’s management. They’re on the same floor, so we take the elevator together.

As soon as the doors close, Yuri lets out a squeal. “I’m going to dieeee!”

Laughing giddily at her reaction, I lean up against the wall of the elevator and try my best to control my breathing. “Same. Same. Whoo, I need to breathe.”

Side Effect #2: Shortness of breath

The elevator ride is entirely too short, because before I know it Yuri is dragging me out into the hallway and searching for the office #12. I’m supposed to be looking for #17.

Of course Yuri finds hers first, my friend coming to a stop just before the door, turning to grab my hand with surprising strength.

“Quick, tell me that I’ll be fine,” she hisses.

Gently removing her hand from mine, I give her an encouraging smile. “You’ll do great, and everything will work out just fine, Yuri.”

Rolling her shoulders, she gives me a mock salute before stepping up to the door. “See you later?”

“Good luck.”

I scamper past as she knocks on the door, looking back as she’s ushered in by a middle-aged man who must be the senior soulmate assistant. He wears the tell-tale yellow circle on his shirt, his eyes wide and alert as though always on the lookout.

He must have left an apprentice with TXT; there are always a few mulling about the agency to step in for the main assistants when they need to attend to other things.

#17 is just a few doors down, the door already wide open as I walk up to it. I don’t allow myself to pause and freak out again, because I’m scared that they’ll hear me start screaming out here or something.

Shoving down the nervousness to the corners of my mind, I take a deep breath and tap the open door lightly.

Sejin sits at his desk, talking quietly to someone sitting in the chair before his desk. He looks up at me, smiling politely. The person in the chair before him turns around at the sound of my knock, and I find myself face to face with none other than the leader of BTS.

“Miss Choi, great to see you,” Sejin stands, Namjoon as well as he waves.

I bow, hoping that my face isn’t too red as I look into the office. It looks like it’s just Namjoon. What a relief.

“Thank you for calling me back,” I say, nodding to Namjoon. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Namjoon smiles at me, gesturing for me to take the seat beside him. “It’s nice to meet you, too. Sejin spoke highly of you.”

Shuffling into the office, I give Sejin a surprised look. “That was kind of you.”

“I was only telling the truth. Namjoon helped me make the decision in regards to the position, so don’t just thank me.”

Namjoon gives me a sheepish smile before settling back down in the chair. I follow suit, mumbling out a small ‘thank you’.

Once we’re all settled, Sejin produces a packet and slides it across the table to me, another one to Namjoon, and keeps one for himself.

“Ok, shall we get started?”

Sejin begins explaining the contract, Namjoon listening intently beside me. The fact that Namjoon helped with all of this makes me feel a little better somehow. It makes me feel like I won’t be quite so out of place with BTS.

We’re stuck in his office for nearly an hour just going over the finer details of the job, and by that time I’ve finally come out of my shell enough to form a few intelligent questions.

“How many staff members do you have that went through soulmate training within the past three months?” I ask, leaning back in my chair as I examine the Staff Preparedness section in the contract.

Sejin looks over something on his computer. “Within the past three months? Only two; the rest are within the year. We have them renew the course once a year. Why three months?”

“There was a technique that was completely discredited by Léo Dupont and they just began applying it in soulmate training within the past three months. While it may not seem that important, it can sometimes make a big difference in timing.”

Namjoon looks at me with wide eyes, a hint of respect blooming there. “What was the technique he discredited?”

“The glass door technique. It was believed that if the soulmates could still see each other but refrain from actual physical contact, this would assist in the ‘come down’ from the surge in heart rate.”

“It doesn’t?” Sejin asks.

I shake my head. “No, in fact, recent studies show that it nearly doubled the ‘come down’ time. It also served as a spike in the heart rate, long after it should have returned to a normal range. It nearly killed Jennifer Aniston before someone moved her to a more secure location. Best case scenario is a complete cut-off from view, and engaging in verbal contact rather than physical.”

“That’s good to know,” Sejin mumbles, typing something out on his laptop. “I’ll send out a memo with that information as well as advise staff to renew their training as soon as possible.”

We go over a few more details before Namjoon sits up in his seat. “We’re about done, right? I just got a text from Soobin saying they’re all gathered up and ready to go.”

My heart rate spikes again as I realize that we must be meeting together after this. And from the sounds of it, it’s practically the entire agency.

“Yeah, just about. Do you want to sign, Namjoon, and you can head out?”

Namjoon signs Sejin’s copy of the contract before getting up and heading toward the door. “We’re excited to have you join the team, Miss Choi.”

“Thank you! And you can just call me Haneul, don’t worry about it.”

Namjoon’s dimples make an appearance as he smiles back at me. “Then I’m just Namjoon to you. See you guys in a bit.”

Sejin covers the last few points in the span of ten or so minutes, clearly ready to get going like I am. We finish up going over vacation days when he leans back with a sigh.

“And yeah, I think that’s about it. Any questions? Today you’ll be getting a feel for the schedule and meet the boys and staff you’ll be working closely with, so don’t hesitate to ask them any more questions as they come.”

Palms starting to sweat with the idea of meeting the rest of Bighit shortly, I give a curt shake of the head. “I think I’m good for now.” Ignoring the tightness in my chest, I reach out for the contract.

Side Effect #3: Chest pain

“Wonderful. Just sign here, and I’ll send you a copy of this.”

☆

Sejin and I walk down the hall after being dropped off at the fifth floor. The second the elevator doors opened I could hear the ruckus of two kpop groups in one room.

To my shock Yuri’s voice rings out, followed by a bout of laughter. It would appear that she’s already found her place.

Sejin gives me an encouraging smile as we inch closer to the room at the end of the hall. “You ready? It’s been a pretty big couple of days for you.”

I can’t help but find comfort in Sejin’s attitude. I’m glad he understands the deer in the headlights look I’m probably sporting right now.

I hope my soulmate is like him.

The thought passes through my mind suddenly, making me go blank for a moment. While it’s a true sentiment, I have to focus on making a good impression today so I can find my soulmate another day.

One day at a time, Hanuel.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I respond, offering him a shaky smile in return. Sejin chuckles, and I wonder if he felt the same way early on in his manager days. I wonder if he still occasionally feels that way, now that BTS has grown more than anyone ever expected.

He goes before me, entering the room and already falling into a conversation with someone. I hesitate for a second, my heart pounding so hard that it’s hard to focus. Rolling my neck, I take a step into the room.

“Ah, there she is!” Yuri chirps out, leaving from where she was beside Beomgyu, who was showing her a video on his phone. “You guys took a long time.”

If my heart wasn’t currently trying to leap out of my ribcage, I would come up with something funny to say.

“Haneul is very thorough,” Sejin comments from where he stands beside one of the TXT managers. “Would you like to introduce yourself?”

“Quick,” I hear someone speak up, “Everyone pretend like Sejin didn’t just say her name!”

It was Hueningkai that made the comment. I can tell who it was because the boy in question is currently dodging an elbow to the ribs from Taehyun. Yuri laughs at their behavior before looking back to me expectantly.

“Oh,” my voice sounds a bit croaky. After clearing my throat, I try again. “Hello everyone. I’m Choi Haneul, it’s nice to meet you all.”

The seven members of BTS come up to the front, gathering in a line like it’s second nature. Namjoon gives me a small smile, which I take comfort in.

“Well, you’ve met me already...this is everyone else.”

Taehyung steps forward, giving me a small wave and grinning wide. “Just call me Tae.”

Jimin gives his friend a wide-eyed look. “Isn’t that a bit informal for just meeting?” Tae’s cheeks go a little red.

“Is it?” He asks, and I nearly pass out from the amount of sweetness in the room. “I think we’ll be good friends, so why not just skip the formalities?”

The boys reflect various levels of long-suffering as Jungkook shakes his head while the rest of the room laughs at Tae’s odd manner. “We both know it doesn’t work like that.”

Sejin answers the question I didn’t even know I was thinking. “In case you’re wondering, they’re always like this. Might as well get used to it.”

Yuri giggles at my reddened cheeks, but I brush off the embarrassment enough to look back at the boys. “That’s good to know.” The boys break from their line in order to return to wherever they were lounging about earlier. Once they turn to leave I feel a bit better; my heart calming down. Hopefully, with time, I’ll be able to breathe properly around them.

I remain near the door, unsure as to what to do next. It looks like Sejin and the other managers are preparing to give a debriefing of sorts and everyone is just waiting around for it. Thankfully, Yuri remains beside me.

“How are you holding up?” She asks me quietly. I give her a long look, conveying the depth of my feelings perfectly.

“I can’t calm down. I feel like I’m either going to pass out or going to run the length of Seoul in five minutes flat.”

Side Effect #4: Lightheadedness and/or fainting (syncope) 

Yuri snorts. “Now that I’d like to see.”

Taehyung calls out to me, pulling me from my conversation. “You’re from Seoul, Miss Choi?”

I smile warmly at him, already taking a liking to him. He’s one big contradiction: his looks make him appear intimidating, but he has the warmest personality.

“I’m originally from Anyang, actually. But I’ve been in Seoul for the past five years.”

“Oh, we’re neighbors!”

Jin is the one who spoke, and I look to where he stands behind the couch, leaning down to watch something on Jungkook’s phone. His eyes are turned up to me, a hint of excitement at being from neighboring cities evident in his expression.

Less than a second is all it takes.

In the second grade, I learned that within the span of a single second, a bumblebee can beat its wings 200 times.

That fact fascinated my young brain; 200 times in a single second?! Of all the wonders in the world I had discovered and had yet to discover in my life, this was the fact that stayed with me. How could such a small creature accomplish such an improbable feat, all within the confines of the time it takes to blink?

My junior year of high school I learned that the average pair of soulmates begin to experience the initial spike in heart rate that leads to tachycardia within the first 0.002 seconds of eye contact. That means, even if it’s a passing glance, the moment those two sets of eyes make contact, everything is about to change.

As I hold eye contact with Jin across the room, I believe that there is a small part of me that knows I should be thinking about everything I’ve learned about soulmates over the past few years. Where are the steps I used to recite day and night in order to keep them memorized?

Yet, that little 8 year old girl with wonder-filled eyes as she learns about bumblebee’s amazing abilities is the only thing I can come up with. Almost as if she’s in the room with me, looking back and forth between Jin and I with that same expression.

Something clicks for me in that single moment as my heart rate continues to jolt and jump. Something seems to connect between bumblebees and soulmates.

Like a bumblebee’s wings frantically beating to keep itself aloft, my own heart begins to do its best to meet the same pace.

Side Effect #5: Heart palpitations (a racing, uncomfortable or irregular heartbeat or a sensation of "flopping" in the chest)

I’m barely aware of distant voices all around me, a few growing in volume as the truth sinks in. I feel arms trapping my own against my torso, and I gasp for air as breathing becomes more difficult. Frowning, I realize that someone is trying to move me away.

Away?

Jin seems to notice I’m being moved away at the same time I do, because the frozen posture he had is broken as he straightens and lurches forward.

He’s all I can see. It strikes me in that moment that he looks a bit different in real life. Sharper, yet somehow more welcoming. Those eyes, although frantic, have kindness imbued in them. The fingers that are outstretched toward me are a bit crooked, and I can’t help but wonder for a moment if our hands will fit together like everyone always says soulmates do.

Wait, soulmates?

Amidst the pounding in my chest and burning lungs, I suddenly have a moment of clarity. The wiry arms wrapped around my torso must belong to Yuri, and she’s speaking calmly into my ear.

“Count with me, Haneul. 1, 2, 3…”

Opening my mouth and marveling at how dry and scratchy my throat feels, I croak out, “...4…5…”

“What comes next, Han?”

“...6.”

Yuri hums, gently trying to ease me backward. When my body locks up, she tries a new method. Coming around to face me, she keeps a firm grip on my shoulders, and gets up on her tippy toes to look me in the eyes.

“We’ve got to move you to a separate room, Han. You remember, don’t you?”

There’s a small voice in my head that wants to tell her that yes, I do remember. However it’s drowned out by the sound of my heart beating in my ears as it continues to pick up speed. Yuri is instructing the boys to grab Jin as he continues marching toward me on shaky legs. He’s only about three feet away, arms extending toward me while Yuri pins my arms down and shoves.

“Grab him!” Yuri shouts even as I cry out from being shoved away. In a flash I see a couple of different pairs of arms reaching out to Jin, effectively stopping him in his tracks as he struggles against them.

“Please,” Jin says in a surprisingly calm voice even as he pushes against Jungkook and Sejin. “Please, just let me-”

“Han, I know your mind is a jumbled mess right now, but please. Remember that this is a matter of life or death. You want to see him?” Yuri doesn’t wait for my response, which makes sense as I haven’t once looked away from Jin. “Then get out of here. Now.”

Like an electric shock to my senses, I breathe in deep. Still unable to look anywhere other than Jin - his sweater has a loose thread on the collar, I should fix that for him - I do the only thing I can.

Closing my eyes is like swimming through concrete, but gritting my teeth I just manage to do it. The second I break contact with Jin, my body relaxes just enough for Yuri to push against me and shove my unwilling feet out the door.

She has a firm grip on the back of my shoulders still as she shouts out to nobody in particular, “I need a room!”

Someone must answer her, because we abruptly change directions before coming to a stop. I refuse to open my eyes for fear of falling back into the imobile state I was in before, and Yuri still hasn’t given me the clear.

“Yeonjun, grab my bag! Bring it to me.”

The sounds of everyone scampering around are drowned out as I hear Jin’s broken voice calling out once more.

“No, don’t take her. Please don’t take her from me.”

Like a dam of freezing water breaking over my head, my eyes open and I spin around, seeing Jin breaking free of Sejin’s grasp and dragging Jungkook along with him.

Just as my eyes find his once more, the door slams shut.

Part 2

masterlist

taglist: @taylorroe3​ @dreamcatcherjiah​ @thecaffeinatedscribbles​ @marianeamine 

#jin soulmate au #bts soulmate au #Kim Seokjin soulmate au #soulmate au #jin soulmate #jin x oc #bts x oc #jin series #jin fluff #jin angst #bts angst #bts love story #bts love #jin bts #bts jin #jin deserves more #Kim Seokjin fluff #kim seokjin

[honestlyfragile]

Undertake - Lee Minho • Lee Know

originally posted on ao3 as: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23861383/chapters/57353434

Pairing: Lee Know x Female Reader

Genre: angst!smut

Tw: NSFW, cheating, marijuana, smoking, alcohol, sex, oral sex

One call. One text. That’s all it took for you to be on call and ready for duty.

Part 1 | Part2

Minho was an ex, a failed relationship that didn’t work out for its own reasons. Primarily because it was lust, not love. But one thing makes him come back. No matter how distant he has become with you. You could go on for weeks and months without him, but as soon as you get that one text, you were on call. “Duty?” You read across your screen, you feel a smirk crawling and making its way to your lips. “On your call ;)” you gladly respond. Minho speeds his way to your apartment. He just got into an awful argument with his girlfriend, not to mention the sex was terrible with her, oh to be the girl that he runs to when he’s short on his sexual desires. Or basically just frustrated and wants a good fuck. But how come you never refused? Because you loved it, you loved how you were still an irreplaceable mark on him. You love how he thinks of you when his skin crawls, when he gets goosebumps whenever his dick was hard, it was you and no one else. You knew how to make his worries vanish, you knew how to get him to his high and he goes absolutely fucking crazy over that.

You come down to welcome him inside your home but instead he tells you to go inside the car. “I don’t have a bra. Give me a moment.” You cross your arms and turn your back.

“Fuck that, everything will come off anyways. Get in.” he says as he grips the steering wheel tightly, growing impatient. 

You roll your eyes and get inside. He offers you a rolled joint and you gladly take it. You go closer towards him and light yours with his, making eye contact. You take your first hit and draw it through your mouth, and you feel its smoke flavor burn in your mouth as it smoothly goes to your lungs and exhale. You throw your head back at the sensation. 

“So, what brings you here?” You scoff, lazily looking at him as his face was slightly illuminated by the moonlight, his eyes glossy and slightly tainted red. 

He takes a hit, and exhales heavily. A bitter laugh escapes his naturally curled lips almost like of a feline. “She’s so,” he pauses, thinking of the right word. “Suffocating. Yes that’s the word.” he closes his eyes and a resentful smile plays on his lips. You nod your head even if he doesn’t see, he knows you’re listening, so he continues. His words sloppily coming out of his mouth. “And it’s strange, how I always tolerate it. Minho stop talking to her, Minho stop doing this stop doing that Minho i don’t like that” and his words were all stitched together, rolling off his tongue and he forgets to take a breath. He inhales another. 

“Then why don’t you just, i don’t know…take your head out of the water and break up with her?” You hastily suggest.

“No, I love her.” he purses his lips and throws his head back. 

“If you did you wouldn’t be doing this with me.” You raise an eyebrow in disbelief. 

“This,” he motions his finger between the both of you, “Isn’t love. It’s nothing.” 

“Then stop coming back to me. Stop calling me, stop fucking me. I bet you can’t.” You look at him straight in the eye, and you slowly feel the high washing over you. 

“No.” he hovers over you and kisses your lips with his moist ones. Well if he kept wanting to do this, with what choice does it leave you? It’s not like you forced him to stay or to keep doing this with you. You just simply agreed to whenever he needed it. 

The kiss gets deeper and you motion him to the backseat, where he willingly goes. You place yourself on top of him and continue to place wet and open-mouthed kisses on his neck, feeling his prominence. He takes off your shirt, revealing your bra-less self. He gropes your breasts with his hands and massages them while sucking your nipples and placing his face in the valleys of your breast.

You throw your head back with the tingling sensation and it involuntarily causes you to grind on his hard on. He grunts and holds the back of your neck, pulling you closer so he can suck and put your bottom lip in between his teeth. Your hands travel to the hem of his shirt and quickly take it off. Your hands rake his now slightly wet hair due to sweat, but it smells like old spice, just how you like it. 

You take off his sweatpants and his cock is hard as hell leaking with precum. You feel it with your palms to drive him just a little over the edge. “God do it already.” He pants, feeling desperate. 

“So impatient.” You smirk and pull down his boxers and it springs up and lightly hits his stomach. You feel his member and hold it in your palms and give the tip a good lick, a moan escapes from his plump lips, and his fingers are tangled in your locks. 

And you take him in, like you always did. Like how he always liked it. Until the brim. You knew how to get him, whether you were high or sober, you just knew. That’s why he always came back. 

“I can’t cum like this, let me get inside you first.” he flips the both of you over and quickly tries to get a condom from his compartment in the front seat. He slips it in and takes both of your cotton shorts and panties in both of his hands in one go. He places himself in your wet entrance and inserts himself, his size almost overwhelming but it was nothing you can’t take. Your nails dig into his back and you faintly scream in pleasure. 

“Faster oh my god,” you rub circles on your clit while he thrusts in and out of you, making your hips shake, and your body tremble, you can’t breathe. You fucking can’t. Your eyes are shut yet they roll to the back of your head that you could almost see your goddamn brain.  All you could do was moan, scream and whimper. Your fingers felt like it was going out of control. His thrust are sloppier and the car is filled with muffled moans and noises that you can’t even spell. 

“Fuck.” He collapses on top of you and  makes his release and you reach your orgasm. You wipe the sweat that has formed on your forehead. 

Minho sits up and so do you. Keeping fair distance with him, you weren’t the type to cuddle after sex, he wasn’t your boyfriend. You dont fuck with feelings. Your missions don’t come with a reward. What is done, is done. 

“Get out.” He dresses himself up and so do you. Before fixing yourself you sneakily roll yourself another joint to take home. You leave the car and give him a quick salute. He shakes his head and chuckles. At last, he was off.

------

Another day in university wasn’t all that uneasy. You went to the same one as Minho and his girl, but she has no idea that you knew him, moreover you were his ex. So it didn’t bother you. In fact, you even went to some of the same classes with her. A very charming girl who went by the name, Cho Mi Yeon.

“Don’t ever dare tell her about this.” He nibbles on your ear and aggressively whispers, while his fingers were twisted in your vagina. 

“You’re so fucked up, poor girl has no idea.” You tease, sucking on his collarbone. 

“Don’t act like you are any different.” 

“Oh, but I am,” you take his hand and put his two fingers in his mouth, so he can always remember how you taste even when he was with her. “I don’t cheat.”

You pass by the both of them holding hands, like nothing has happened the night before. They sure do make up pretty quickly. Mi Yeon catches you at the side of her eye, and turns her head back to wave and say hi. You wave back casually as Minho is taken aback by the sudden “friendship” that the two of you have. But he quickly retracts himself from the scene and ignores you.  

He was so bad at it, acting all tough on you. Like he doesn’t give a shit, he thinks he can hide it well. But at the end of the day, he is and will be the guiltiest of them all. He will have to carry all of this while all you do is sit and watch for the chaos to eventually unfold.

Minho was a year ahead of you, so he saved himself from getting into the same classes. Otherwise, he’d probably lose his mind. 

You sit your single self down in the university’s cafeteria, having some iced coffee and sweet bread. You weren’t the type to have a clique, or a bunch of friends surrounding you. You prefer to be casual and discreet. Oftentimes, you also wonder if anyone finds you strange or suspicious, but you keep a good relationship with all of your blockmates. You were approachable and easy to talk to. 

You didn’t like attachments, it was a pain in the ass back then to have yourself keeping a damn reputation in high school, college gives you sort of a fresh start, a clean slate. 

“Do you mind if I sit beside you? I mean we do have the next class together.” A charming Mi Yeon says to you and how could you resist? 

“Oh, sure go ahead.” You simply smile and observe her. 

“That’s all you’re having? Do you want some of mine?” She kindly offers you her tuna rice balls, which you kindly refuse. 

“I’m good, it’s too early for me to have something heavy.” You chuckle. “I just saw you with your boyfriend awhile ago, why aren’t you sitting with him?” Your eyes pretend to roam around the space.

“Ah, he had a class to catch, you know he’s a year higher so his sched is different.” She explains. 

“I see. You look great together, by the way.” You genuinely compliment, because it was true. You weren’t jealous. They were real, you were not. 

“Thank you. He’s great.” She talks so fondly about him that you start to feel sorry for her. Just a tiny bit.  

You and Mi Yeon head to class and walk past Minho, who just got out of his. The only reason why you could feel the tension is because he brings it with him. He makes everything awkward and heavy, he was a scaredy cat. 

Mi Yeon gives him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, but on the other hand while her back faces yours, his eyes are on your visage. They were dark, and strong, almost threatening. All you could do is be pretentious, you didn’t know him. You had to remind and convince yourself that you didn’t. 

———

Minho struts in the hallways, gaining looks from others like he always does. His hair black and polished, his natural pink lips were moist and his eyes were like gems. He was definitely hard to resist. 

When he flashes them a smile, they lose it. But what they didn’t know was the huge weight that was lingering in his chest if he ever gets caught. How ironic it was for the cheater to be scared as a wuss, but was brave enough to do it anyways.

His hands were tightly hidden in the pockets of his skinny jeans, and his breathing was heavy. His mind is full of worries that he never shows, but over all those that he is concerned about, being caught was what bothered him the most. The hallways were crowded, there's people who knew where to go, and those who didn't. One accidentally bumps his shoulder and the poor guy is terrified, but Minho makes sure to tell him that it’s no big deal and gives the latter a kind smile.

Most of the people are intimidated by him, but what they don’t know is that Minho is actually more sensitive than they think. He cares, a lot. He has this whole external guard on him but only because the world cannot possibly find out what was actually going through his goddamn mind. He had too many secrets to keep. He only had one person that he would trust the world with.

Minho feels a rush of relief when his path clears up and sees his best friend, Chan. He cheerfully throws his arm around his shoulders and ruffles Chan’s hair. 

“You’re lucky I didn’t plan on styling this today.” Chan chuckles and tries to fix his tresses. “What’s up? You seemed a little indifferent before you walked towards me.” 

Minho shakes his head in disbelief, this man really knew him inside out. He lowers his voice just in case anyone plans on eavesdropping, “How are ____ and Mi Yeon suddenly friends? It doesn’t make sense to me. It’s so dangerous.” 

“Oh shit,” Chan trails off, “That can’t be good. You know that you aren’t friends with ____ right? If she screws you over, you’re done.” 

“Wow that makes me feel so much better.” Minho sarcastically replies. 

“Just saying bro, watch your back. Stop treating your side chick like shit or else telling your girlfriend is the first thing on her list.” Chan casually shrugs his shoulders. 

“Aish. Whatever, she wouldn’t. Otherwise she’s going to be ruined as well.” Minho fidgets for his car keys, “do you still have a class? Do you wanna smoke in my car or something?” 

“Are you stupid? Smoking weed on campus? No thanks man. I’ll pass today.” Oh how much of a goody two shoes Chan was. 

“Alright then, I’ll see you around then.” Chan pats Minho’s back and heads off. 

_____

“Why don’t we ever have like, proper sex?” Mi Yeon pops this question out of the blue as her and Minho were sitting on her apartment’s couch.

He tries to change the topic by acting clueless, “What do you mean? Isn’t it like, all the same?” 

“No it isn’t. It just doesn't feel right when we do it. It doesn’t feel natural.” Mi Yeon sighs and buries her head on Minho’s chest.

“So are you saying that i’m like, not good? You’re always fucking complaining about something!” He raises his voice and the girl is startled. She never meant to start an argument about it but his temper was out of control today. 

“What? I never said that! The problem could be with me or something. What is up with you today?” She raises her head from his chest and sits upright. 

“No, its always your way to start something with me. You’re always finding loopholes so you can nag at me about anything.” Minho stands up, ready to leave. He was not up for this kind of conversation, not today. 

And as always, his coping mechanism was to storm out and text you. He gets in his car and lights a cigarette, and heavily draws the smoke in and out. His hands were tightly gripping the steering wheel and occasionally running through his hair. He had gone beyond the speed limit. Minho was not himself most of the time, but today he is losing more of himself than ever. 

You respond to him a little later than usual, but he was satisfied to see your reply and immediately just heads to your apartment, ready for duty. 

____

“I swear, it was his car.” Mi Yeon tightly clenches her fists and puts it against her chest. 

“But why?” her friend is baffled, just as surprised as she was.

“A girl came out of the apartment, I was a bit far so i didn’t really recognize. But her overall looks just seemed so familiar. I just can’t seem to wrap my finger around who it really was.`` She bites her lip and thinks hard. 

Your figure passes by from afar and as soon as Mi Yeon caught the sight of you, her heart sinks. And no, she’s not going to fight back. She’s not going to yank your hair and yell at you for getting together with her boyfriend behind her back. She had her pride, she had her own way of taking matters into her hands.

“What’s the matter? Is she from here?” Her friend says, puzzled by her sudden change of expression.

Mi Yeon nods her head and spreads a bitter smirk upon her iced cherry stained lips. She takes a few deep breaths and puts her chin up, straightens her back and is no longer slouching. And now, the power is hers. She has both of you wrapped around her finger now. Two can play at that game of acting clueless. 

How quick it was for the tables to turn before you even knew it. And perhaps you never will. 

She could handle it. She realizes that she had wasted so much energy on Minho only for him to do the exact opposite of what she wanted to happen. It wasn’t worth it anymore, but she would love to live to see them eaten up alive by their guilt. 

Without a clue, you walk towards a now composed and smiling Mi Yeon, you were meaning to ask if you could walk to your class together. 

“Hi! We still have a couple minutes, we’ll make it on time.” Mi Yeon cheerfully says as she links her arms with yours. You were kind of surprised by the gesture, but you told yourself that she was doing it out of kindness.

“You’re in a good mood today,” you smile, noticing her energy.

“Yeah? I guess because I didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed today.” She shrugs.

_______

Mi Yeon offers you to bond over a cup of coffee but you kindly decline it due to your other agendas. 

Which included meeting up with Minho.

He arrives at your apartment and parks his car in front, anxiously waiting for you to open the door. Something was off and he felt it. But let’s be real here, none of the things the both of you were doing were right to begin with. It just felt riskier this time. 

“God why did you take so long?” Minho swiftly steps himself inside your home, stingier than ever. 

“What is up with you today?” You cross your arms, bothered by the way he was acting. 

“Cause i feel like Mi Yeon knows something about this.” he lowers his voice, as if you weren’t the only two people in the house. 

Your eyes widen, why would he ever say such a thing? “What do you mean?”

He paces back and forth, “I don’t know. I just feel it in my gut. She’s being too nice to me these past few days.” 

You chortle in disbelief with his half-assed cohesions. “That doesn’t make sense. Do you hear yourself? She’s being too nice? Isn’t that what she’s supposed to be rather than to keep picking fights with you?”

“But it keeps me from coming here and being with you. Doesn’t it?” He stops and stands still. 

Something in you clicks, but you refuse to believe it because the idea didn’t speak to you that well. You couldn’t believe that she would be able to not call you out if she knew. The last time you remember, she still locked arms with you.

“That's just stupid, your girlfriend being nice to you is something you should be happy about asshole.” You roll your eyes. 

Minho is paranoid but refuses to admit it, he still firmly believes that he can get away with everything and giving up something will be a sign of defeat, no matter what it was. 

Without a word, he walks out the door. 

#stray kids #skz #lee minho #stray kids lee know #lee know smut #lee know fluff #skz fluff #skz scenario #bang chan #felix #seo changbin #han jisung #kim seungmin #hwang hyunjin #yang jeongin #fluff #smut #lee know bf #lee know lq #bf minho #lq minho #kpop

[macgyvermedical]

An Environmental and Public Health Review of 1985 MacGyver’s “Bitter Harvest“

Let’s face it- everyone’s doing medical reviews these days. It’s about time someone realized that public health is in all your favorite TV shows, lurking in the background, just waiting to be reviewed...

And by favorite TV shows, I mean 1985 MacGyver. Cause damn could this show roll out the public health storylines.

If you haven’t seen the episode “Bitter Harvest”, its a pretty social justice heavy one:

Mac ends up stranded in a town of agricultural laborers who suspect that the company employing them is using unsafe pesticide applications in their vinyards, causing elevated rates of cancer, mystery illnesses, and birth defects. When a prominent figure in the community is killed over his workers’ rights protest, Mac decides to go undercover as one of the workers, finding that the company has been using an illegal plant growth regulator they suspect is behind the illnesses. The episode deals with issues of environmental and occupational health, worker’s rights, and the social determinants of health overall.

This post will cover all the public health related knowledge you can stand about the potentially illegal chemical application, the social determinants of health, and of course, the many, many, many times Mac gets sick or injured during his 4-day stay in Kasabian, CA.

Skip to “The Medical Review Part” if you’re just here to watch Mac suffer.

My previous MacGyver (2016 and 1985) reviews:

Awl - X-Ray + Penny - Duct Tape + Jack - CD + Hoagie Foil - Guts + Fuel + Hope - Wilderness + Training + Survival - Father + Bride + Betrayal - Lidar + Rogues + Duty - Nightmares - Seeds + Permafrost + Feather - Friends + Enemies + Border - Mason + Cable + Choices -

Note: listen, guys, I was really trying hard not to make this into another 3000-word post... but I did. This literally took me weeks to research and write. For ease of scrolling, I’ve put a read more here. Enjoy!

Agricultural Chemical Application

In the episode, residents of the town claim they’ve been illegally exposed to agricultural chemicals. Various characters tell stories of being forced to work in fields too soon after pesticide application, and of the illnesses or birth defects they and their children have suffered because of it.

The application of pesticides, fertilizers, and in certain cases plant growth regulators, are vital to modern agriculture operating at the scale necessary to support a nearly 8-billion-human planet. Due to the fact that many of these chemicals will eventually enter human bodies, great effort has been made over the last century to create chemicals that function to kill pests and increase crop yields while posing as little harm as possible to the humans who may also be exposed to them.

The episode features three very different agricultural chemicals- Captain, Methomyl, and 4-CPA. The first two, Captain and methomyl, are both pesticides. Pesticide is an umbrella term for any chemical that kills an unwanted animal (i.e. a rodenticide), insect (insecticide), fungus (fungicide), plant (herbicide), microbe (microbicide), or algae (algaecide). Pesticides are often necessary to control populations of animals and insects that would eat the crop, control fungus and algae that would spoil it, and control the growth of plants that would compete with the crop for nutrients.

Pesticides (and many other agricultural chemicals) are regulated in the US under a law called FIFRA- the Federal Insecticide, Fungicide, and Rodenticide Act. FIFRA is enforced by the US EPA, who generally details where, when, how, and how much of an agricultural chemical can be used, as well as how much of any agricultural chemical can be left on the final crop (this is usually a very small amount).

Captain is a blend of copper-based microbicides and algaecides. Copper-based pesticides have been around since the 1700s. They’re used on almost every conventional food crop in some form to prevent fungal and bacterial infestation, as well as to prevent the growth of algae in standing water. Generally, they can be pretty irritating to eyes and skin and toxic if swallowed at high concentrations, but they’re pretty safe in the dilute amounts routinely used.

Methomyl is a carbamate insecticide. Many forms of insecticide, carbamates included, work because they prevent the breakdown of a neurotransmitter called acetylcholine in the insect. This causes an overproduction of acetylcholine and the death of the bug. Since humans also produce and break down acetylcholine in a similar way, carbamates are also toxic to humans. In fact, they’re extremely similar to the chemical weapons known as nerve agents.

Why would we spray nerve agents on food? Well, carbamates and organophosphates (another similar pesticide) are actually pretty nonpersistant, meaning that they rapidly break down in the environment and become non-toxic long before the end consumer is exposed. This is good for humans, because it means we can spray them on food, kill the bugs, wait a certain amount of time, and then we can re-enter the fields or eat food without being poisoned.

Toward the beginning of the episode, Mac is knocked out and left in a field, where he is sprayed directly with some form of agricultural chemical. This leaves him generally weak and coughing for the rest of the episode. While never really explained, if I were to give my best guess as to what was sprayed on him based on what is shown in the episode, methomyl would be it.

Weakness, coughing, nausea/vomiting/diarrhea, excessive salivation, sweating, blurred vision, and constricted pupils are all symptoms of exposure to carbamates, organophosphates, and their earlier and significantly more persistent (and therefore toxic) cousins the organochlorines. Fortunately for Mac, acute (one-time) exposures to carbamates like this don’t tend to have long-term consequences once the person recovers.

The last chemical mentioned in the episode was 4-CPA, referred to in the episode as “fix”. 4-CPA is a plant growth regulator (basically a synthetic plant hormone) that restricts root development in some plants and increases fruit yield in others. In the episode it’s treated like it’s some super toxic, illegal pesticide that would be outrageous and reckless to use on your grape crop. In reality, it’s not really dangerous to humans at all (it can be irritating to skin and eyes, but its non-cancer-causing, non-birth-defect-causing, and generally not even that acutely toxic), and the US uses so little of it as a country (about 20lbs total per year) that just in quantity it’s probably not a threat to the general environment either.

At the time of the episode 4-CPA was only approved for use on tomatoes and mung beans, meaning that the episode’s assertion that it was illegal on grapes is technically true (why Mac knows this off the top of his head is beyond me, but here we are). I’m not sure what, if anything, would happen if you put it on grapes, but I get the sense it either wouldn’t do anything, or wouldn’t do enough good to justify the expense. Today, it’s just approved for mung beans (and either way, it’s not sprayed, the mung beans are just washed in a really dilute solution of it before they’re allowed to sprout).

If you’re like me, you’re wondering “so why use 4-CPA as the big bad chemical at all when there are clearly more dangerous, more illegal agricultural chemicals to choose from?” I had 2 ideas:

4-CPA has a really limited market. Even if the episode launched some kind of investigation into it, it wouldn’t disrupt any significant amount of agriculture.

Mac needed to be able to identify the substance with limited resources, and 4-CPA just happens to have an obvious “melting crystal” structure that can be seen with a homemade polaroscope (I don’t know this for a fact, but since that’s how Mac identified it and there’s not really any other reason to use it, there might be some scientific truth to it).

4-CPA’s toxicity wasn’t actually relevant plot-wise, they just needed something illegal Kasabian was doing that Tony could have used to open dialogue about a union contract. This gets some mixed-signals throughout the episode because they seem to use it interchangeably with “toxic pesticide”, but it could have been the initial intent.

At the end of the episode it is revealed that Kasabian (the character) has ordered that all grapes treated with 4-CPA to be destroyed, voluntarily submitted his fields to outside testing, and decided to stop using “Tox 1″ pesticides. This is in reference to the chemical’s US Toxicity Class. The most toxic are “Toxicity Class 1″ which are fatal if less than 5g of the substance is ingested. The least toxic is “Toxicity Class 4″ which is entirely non-fatal and non-toxic at most reasonably ingest-able doses.

For reference, 4-CPA is a “Tox 4″, while Captain is a “Tox 3″ and methomyl is a “Tox 1″. So basically the ones Mac brushed off as “legal” are way, way more toxic than the one they make a big deal about.

(I did try to figure out what the heck dynaset (dinaset? dynacet? idk?) was, but came up empty. If you know what the heck Alex was talking about with his story about the guy who died from dynaset exposure, please let me know!)

The Social Determinants of Health:

In the episode, Carmen and Mac have a discussion about why Carmen’s daughter Natalie was born with a limb defect. Mac asks if she thinks it has to do with pesticide exposure, but while Carmen endorses having worked in the fields until well into her 3rd trimester and was certainly exposed to agricultural chemicals, she is hesitant to agree, stating “we are poor people, Mr. MacGyver. Many things contribute to birth defects.”

While Carmen may be curbing her language out of fear in this scene, she’s not wrong in suggesting that her socioeconomic status may be just as important a factor in her family’s overall health outcomes. More broadly, this concept is known as the Social Determinants of Health- the idea that while access to healthcare and general health choices are important, factors like economic stability, education/language/literacy, built environment, food security, and social support actually have a substantially greater impact on overall health.

This is a massive topic, and not one we can completely cover in the post, but know that this is a thing that we think about extensively in both the medical and public health worlds:

Consider that the children of Kasabian are growing up in poverty and possibly food insecurity, reliant on local-tax-funded public education that may or may not be provided in an appropriate language, with parents who work long days in the field and carry home pesticide residue on their clothes, whose drinking water is likely contaminated with the same pesticides, and who primarily receive healthcare from a free clinic (mentioned in the episode).

Contrast this with a child who grows up in an affluent, safe, suburban community with an affordable super market within driving distance, reliable and flexible transportation, a well-funded school system with classes taught in their primary language, with clean tap water, consistent healthcare, and whose parents work in low-physical-risk occupations and can afford to spend time with them without a life-altering reduction in income.

Could both of these children grow up healthy? Sure, but even if the Kasabian child’s parents are careful to take their clothes off before hugging them, install and maintain filters on their taps, give up sleep to tutor them, and obtain healthy food from some other source, these activities would cause a significant burden to the family and the environment itself would still put the child behind. Even in the best of circumstances, with parents who are both creative and really, really trying, the child growing up in Kasabian is still going to be exposed to higher levels of pesticides, have a lower quality education (and therefore lower health literacy), lack appropriate healthcare, and get less sleep, all of which together contribute to statistically worse health outcomes. 

Now, I did a quick lit search to see if anyone had found an association between limb defects and parental occupational (work-related) exposure to agricultural chemicals. In the several studies I looked at, (1 based on data from the 1980s), there was either no association or a very weak association between parental pesticide exposure and limb defects. This means that her mother’s pesticide exposure was likely not the cause of Natalie’s birth defect (common causes of limb reduction defects include thalidomide, misoprostal, or anti-convulsant exposure, certain viral infections, and folic acid deficiency, though many times the reason is unknown).

Had it been the cause, though, consider that Carmen likely felt compelled to continue working her manual labor job where pesticide exposure was likely because she had no other choice economically. If she didn’t want to starve in the weeks of income loss after Natalie’s birth, she had to work for as long as she could. In a more affluent household or an area less reliant on agricultural work, she may have been able to afford to take the time off or work a different job during her pregnancy, which might have prevented the birth defect. 

The Medical Review Part

I said this was going to be a public health review, but let’s also face it- Mac was arrested, in a car accident, knocked out, poisoned, forced to walk 20 miles in the sun with no water, nearly suffocated, and thrown through a plate glass shower in this episode, so we’re still going to talk about medical things (but relate them back to public health, of course!).

The first thing is that car accident. After being released from jail, one of the organizers, Tony, offers Mac a place to stay for the night. On the way back to Tony’s house, his car is run off the road, resulting in what was essentially a front-end collision with a ditch. The pic below doesn’t look too rough, but that car was airborne before it face-planted into that dirt, so... it was bad.

Tony’s car is a 1973 Chrysler New Yorker (thanks to @thefirstusernameithoughtof​ for the ID). The 1973 New Yorker did have 3-point seatbelts, and we know from the screenshot below that both Mac and Tony were wearing them correctly (this show is so good at role modeling, even the little things, man I love it). However, like many 70s vehicles, it did not have additional safety features like airbags or a crumple zone.

This would be in accordance with the law at the time- although seatbelts were mandatory as far back as 1968, front airbags wouldn’t become mandatory until 1998 (based on a law first introduced in 1991), and “crumple zones” (the front portion of the vehicle that “crumples” to absorb force in an impact to avoid crushing the occupants), while standard today, has never been made legally mandatory in the US. Without this technology, I think its unlikely Mac and Tony survived this crash without very serious injuries.

Despite this, they appear to be unharmed (those sure were some great seatbelts), and after surviving the accident well enough to get up and then run from the scene, Mac is incapacitated by the comparatively minor insult of a 2x4 to the face.

And I will say, it would have been totally realistic for Mac to get a mild-to-moderate concussion resulting in him being unable to fight back or get up for several minutes, giving the bad guys a chance to escape and for Mac to be sprayed with pesticide.

If you remember from earlier in the post, out of the pesticides mentioned, I think methomyl is probably what Mac gets sprayed with. Throughout the rest of the episode, we see him weak, coughing and sweaty, which line up well with the symptoms of carbamate pesticide poisoning (in case you skipped the first part of the post, other symptoms include blurred vision, constricted pupils, excessive salivation, and nausea/vomiting/diarrhea, which I suppose would be difficult to show on family-friendly TV).

Even though he is grossly decontaminated (washed off) by Carmen, as someone recently concussed and poisoned, Mac probably should have sought some form of medical attention. He didn’t. Instead, two days later, still reasonably sick, Mac decides he needs some answers and goes undercover as one of the laborers. He’s not doing too great, and has to work all day in the hot sun. With the extra sweating, salivation, nausea and diarrhea from the aftereffects of the pesticide, Mac would have had to be really, really careful to stay hydrated.

And, I suppose, he tries. In terrible Spanish, Mac asks if there is any water, to which a woman points him to a spigot.... about thirty feet from a latrine. He, I think reasonably in the moment, chooses not to drink it.

Being that the field was 20 miles from town, I have to assume that the water coming out of the spigot was from a well. And since we have to assume that this well provides drinking water to more than 25 people more than 60 days per year, it is legally considered a public water source, and thereby beholden to the 1986 Safe Drinking Water Act. That means that in order to be in compliance, the water coming out of it either had to be regularly tested to ensure that it naturally met maximum allowable standards for various contaminants (like... human waste and pesticide runoff), or it had to be fitted with a filter or other means of reducing those contaminants to maximum allowable levels.

But that’s legally. The EPA, who would be enforcing that Act, probably wouldn’t come in and ensure that testing was being done unless someone complained, and given the other things that have happened in this episode that haven’t been reported (like, you know, the murder), Mac has every right to be suspicious of that water source.

The fact that there are workers in a remote field without a clean water source is also probably several OSHA violations, but we don’t have time for that right now.

Given that Mac was soon after discovered and forced to walk the 20 miles back to town, it might have been worth it to get some of that contaminated water. Since he made it back to town at all, I have to assume he found a surface water source and a way to clean it (he is MacGyver, after all), between the fields and the town, otherwise, considering that he’s in rough shape already, that very well could have been death number 2 for him this episode.

The next day, somehow still upright, Mac goes looking for proof that Kasabian was violating the law. He ends up finding it, but is interrupted, punched multiple times, and thrown through a sheet of glass not once, but twice, thus earning his 3rd, 4th, 5th, and probably 6th concussions of the episode. So at this point he really, really should be seeing a doctor.

Instead, he goes to a funeral.

R E F E R E N C E S    R E F E R E N C E S  

#MacGyver #MacGyver Classic #bitter harvest #medical review #public health #public health review #whump #EPA violations galore

[artistjojo1228]

Rock and Roll Storytime #13: The 27 Club (Part 1: What It Is, Robert Johnson, and Brian Jones)

Considering that I’ve already talked about several specific stories involving the tragic seven, and how we’re all superstitious of the number thirteen, I feel it’s high time I talked about this... Also, I’m dividing this into parts so that I might be able to offer some more insight than I could if I were trying harder to stick into Tumblr’s character limit. 

Robert Johnson, Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, and Amy Winehouse. 

These seven names make up the most prominent members of the 27 Club, or as I like to call it, one of rock and roll’s oldest and most prevalent superstitions. Some people (like hack biographer Charles Cross) have stated that there is more of a statistical spike for musicians dying at twenty-seven, or just believe that musicians are more likely to die at 27. 

I think this chart should dispel a lot of those notions...

I’m not superstitious of the club by any means, but what I’d still like to do is talk about what it is, and talk about the lives of the tragic seven in particular. Bear in mind, I might be including some of my own personal opinions and anecdotes on the matter, so please bear with me. 

The 27 Club

In its most basic form, the 27 Club is a list of actors, artists, athletes, and most predominately musicians, who all died at the age of twenty-seven, typically as the result of drug overdoses, health problems, or car accidents. There is no official membership though, so I’ve heard of people including as few as three members and as many as eighty-one (okay, that last one was me counting almost everyone who’s ever been mentioned on the Wikipedia page as well as a camera assistant killed in a train accident in Georgia in 2014). For those sites who will list more than just the Tragic Seven, the earliest one is usually considered to be Alexandre Levy, a Brazilian composer who died of unknown causes on January 17, 1892, and the most recent member is generally considered to be someone who died in the last three years, such as Anton Yelchin, Kim Jong-hyun, or Fredo Santana. (Personally, the most recent member I’ll count is Tyler Skaggs, who died of an opioid overdose just twelve days shy of his 28th birthday on July 1, 2019).

The club started up after the sudden deaths of Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison between July 2, 1969, and July 3, 1971. The deaths were highly publicized affairs, and inevitably, people noticed the coincidence that these four had died at the age of twenty-seven, and of course, the notion of a 27 Club started up. 

This notion was further popularized when, in 1994, Kurt Cobain was found dead, having died by suicide three days earlier. Reportedly, in an interview, his mother said (in part), “I told him not to join that stupid club.” Whether or not she actually said this is a matter of personal conjecture (especially once you realize that she actually abused her son for years and that he was homeless for a time because of her). In either case, some people think nowadays that she was actually referring to the fact that two of Kurt’s uncles and his maternal great-grandfather had also died by suicide (especially considering that research has since shown that trauma can run through families), but since most of the general public would likely be unaware of that, it was assumed that she was referring to the 27 Club. 

The notion was popularized again in 2011, when Amy Winehouse died from alcohol poisoning. It gets creepier once you take into account that in 2008, she expressed fears of joining the club. In retrospect, it all seems cruelly ironic...

Since the notion first became popularized, the 27 Club has shown up in various movies (usually about individual members and all of varying quality), books, TV shows, comics (like the MAD magazine strip featured above), and songs. 

And now that I’ve got the rundown, I’d like to go into more detail about the tragic seven...

Robert Johnson:

Admittedly, I might have shot myself in the foot with this one, since I already (recently) covered much of what is known/mythologized of his life (https://artistjojo1228.tumblr.com/post/188292315565/rock-and-roll-storytime-crossroad-blues-the-myth), but I’d like to give at least the basic rundown regardless. Much of what I’m about to relate was mainly dug up by researchers in the 1960′s and through no small amount of effort. 

Robert Leroy Johnson was born on what is believed to be May 8, 1911 in Hazlehurst, Mississippi to Julia Major Dodds and Noah Johnson. He was the youngest out of ten or eleven children (sources vary). His mother’s husband, Charles Dodds, was reportedly forced by a lynch mob to leave Hazlehurst, and he moved to Memphis, Tennessee. Likewise, Julia also left, and two years later, she sent her son to live with Charles (who by now had changed his name to Charles Spencer). As a result, for a short time, Robert was known as Robert Spencer. 

In 1919, Robert went back to live with his mother, and there is some evidence to suggest that he received some schooling in 1924 and 1927.  When he was still a teenager, Robert had taught himself to play harmonica and jaw-harp, but had difficulties figuring out how to play the guitar. Still, like me teaching myself piano, he was, if nothing else, determined to figure out how to play it. After a number of incidents involving him annoying people with his utter lack of skill playing the guitar, he disappeared for a while. Most likely, he spent this time learning guitar from Ike Zimmerman in a cemetery, or from watching other performers on stage. However, the popular legend about his life is that he sold his soul to the devil in exchange for his exceptional talents. 

As I’ve said, Robert, during one of his songs, would play rhythm, melody, and bass lines, stamp his foot to the beat, and on top of that, sing. I believe this anecdote from Keith Richards summarizes this best: “When I first heard it, I said to Brian, ‘Who’s that?’ ‘Robert Johnson’. I said, ‘Yeah, but who’s the other guy playing with him?’ Because I was hearing two guitars, and it took me a long time to realize he was actually doing it all by himself.”

In 1929, 18-year-old Robert married 16-year-old Virginia Travis. By this time, he had started going by Robert Johnson again. Sadly though, Virginia died in childbirth a few months later, along with the baby. Her surviving relatives blamed Robert for what had happened, because of his choice to sing secular music. 

Yeah... back then, the blues was considered the “Devil’s music” by many, because, as I’ve said, just about everything fun and exciting for us is “evil” to the older generations and especially the hyper-religious. This could also be a reason why the legend of Robert selling his soul took off. 

At some point, he had a child with a woman named Virgie Smith, and in 1931, he married Caletta Craft, and for a while, they settled down. However, at some point in or around 1932, their relationship came to an end, though sources disagree on whether he abandoned her or if she, too, died in childbirth (trust me, giving birth back then was a much riskier affair than it is now). In either case, Robert left home and became an itinerant musician, traveling around the country and playing popular songs on street corners (he also had a remarkable ability to play a song by ear). He traveled from town to town, employing up to eight surnames depending on where he was staying. During his travels, he lived with extended family members, various female companions (whom he’d known for varying degrees of time), and others. Those he was employed by often had little idea of his past (something that was easier to get away with back in those days). His friends state that he was well-mannered, soft-spoken, reserved in private, nice, and fairly ordinary, minus the extraordinary musical talents and love of women and booze. 

In 1936 and 1937, Robert recorded the 29 tracks that would come to define his musical career and legacy (with 13 alternate takes surviving to this day). He achieved his first and only brush with fame when “Terraplane Blues” became a modest regional hit. I would also like to point out that the recordings are very lo-fi (typical of a recording of the day), and that when the recordings are slowed down to ~85%, it actually sounds much more natural. Of course, I will leave personal preferences up to you guys: 

As fate would have it, before he could get into the recording studio again, Robert died under mysterious circumstances on August 16, 1938, and was subsequently buried in an unmarked grave. His death certificate was eventually unearthed in the 60′s, and some researchers determined that he likely had congenital syphilis and that it was a factor in his death. But of course, the legends give a different version of events entirely. 

The more popular version of the story of Robert’s death is that he was performing at a juke joint near Greenwood, Mississippi on August 13, 1938, and that he started flirting with the wife of the bartender. In turn, he poisoned Robert’s drink, though sources disagree on what the substance was, with varying sources citing strychnine (highly unlikely), lye, or even mothballs. 

Robert reportedly managed to fight off the poison, but then, according to some sources, he caught pneumonia, and with his immune system already weakened, he just couldn’t fight it off, and he died a slow, agonizing death. 

Today, three headstones mark the various locations where it’s believed he might’ve been buried, and a signpost marks the crossroads where he allegedly sold his soul to the devil all those years ago...

Brian Jones:

Once again, I might’ve shot myself in the foot, because I’ve already talked about various aspects of Brian’s life, including his multiple children (https://rockandrollstorytime.tumblr.com/post/188266868006/note-this-is-going-to-be-a-bit-less-light-hearted), drug arrests (https://rockandrollstorytime.tumblr.com/post/188266958481/rock-and-roll-storytime-6-the-rolling-stones), decline and eventual death (https://rockandrollstorytime.tumblr.com/post/188271810426/rock-and-roll-storytime-9-the-decline-and-early), and even how he brought the Rolling Stones together and gave them their name (https://rockandrollstorytime.tumblr.com/post/188272778331/rock-and-roll-storytime-10-how-the-rolling). Still, he is one of the Tragic Seven, so I might as well post the full version of his life story here. 

Lewis Brian Hopkin Jones was born in Cheltenham, Gloucestershire on February 28, 1942 to Lewis Blount Jones and Louisa Beatrice Simmonds. He was the eldest of three children. First, there was Pamela, who was born on October 3, 1943. Sadly, just two years later, she died of leukemia on October 14, 1945. According to some sources, his parents told him she’d been sent away for misbehavior (which probably fucked Brian up for life), and according to Paul Trynka, her very existence was kept secret, to the point where even family friends had little to no idea of the fact that Brian had ever had a sister named Pamela. His other little sister, Barbara, was born on August 22, 1946. 

However, at some point that same year, Brian suffered a bout of croup that left him with lifelong asthma. 

Growing up, Brian performed very well in school, but he was often rebellious and despised the rigid conformity imposed by the headmasters, as well as the uniforms. In fact, in 1967, he confided to a psychologist that he was frightened by conformity in males. He even got suspended on two separate occasions for “inciting rebellion.” On one of his report cards, his teacher wrote, “Suffers from a domineering father and has to show off to compensate.” In addition, his childhood friend, Dick Hattrell, later said of him, “He was a rebel without a cause, but when examinations came he was brilliant.” Brian reportedly had an IQ of 130, and achieved nine O-levels and two A-levels and aced his 11-plus exams. (Please don’t ask me to elaborate further; I’m American and have very little knowledge of British schooling).  

If Brian’s home life was lacking in parental love, then it definitely wasn’t lacking in music. Lewis was an aeronautical engineer, but he was also a piano teacher, and Louisa played piano and organ, in addition to leading the church choir. When Brian was eight, his mother started teaching him piano, but he soon needed teachers with more advanced skills as his own grew very quickly. In fact, it was later said of him that he taught himself to play the sitar, a notoriously difficult Eastern string instrument, in roughly an hour. He also learned the clarinet and was a choir boy. 

In 1957, he first heard the music of Julian “Cannonball” Adderly, and developed a love for jazz and eventually blues as result. However, his parents greatly disapproved of this newer music, and were outraged when he sold his clarinet in lieu of a soprano saxophone. On the other hand, though, they did get him a guitar for his seventeenth birthday. 

Brian’s life took another turn later on in 1959 when his girlfriend, Valerie Corbett, fell pregnant with his child. It should be noted that Laura Jackson’s book, Brian Jones, The Untold Life and Mysterious Death of a Legend, states that Brian blatantly refused to wear condoms (contraception was still a relatively new concept back then), and beyond that, various sources disagree on whether Valerie was just fourteen or seventeen when she got pregnant. In either case, it was a scandalous affair. Brian’s solutions for this seem to have ranged from suggesting a shotgun wedding to encouraging Valerie to get an abortion (which was illegal at the time). The situation reportedly worsened when Valerie’s father died of a heart attack, apparently tied to stress from the situation as a whole. What is clear though, is that Brian spent a portion of 1959 in Germany, and when Valerie gave birth to Barry David Corbett in early 1960, Brian wasn’t allowed anywhere near his son, and Valerie gave the child up for adoption, likely being forced to do so by her family (because back then, the fate of the child would usually be decided by the mother’s family). 

Of course, Brian didn’t learn his lesson. In August 1960, a married woman gave birth to his daughter after a one-night-stand in late 1959. 

Trust me, when it comes to illegitimate children, the mothers always get the short end of the stick. 

After some time spent in Germany, Brian returned to Cheltenham. He subsequently began dating Pat Andrews, who was sixteen at the time, and on October 22, 1961, she gave birth to her and Brian’s son, Julian Mark Andrews. Brian named not one, but two of his sons after Cannonball Adderly (the other being Julian Brian, his son with Linda Lawrence), while in this instance, Pat chose the name Mark because of its simplicity. Reportedly, on the day his son was born, Brian sold four of his records, his most prized possessions, and bought an extravagant flower arrangement for Pat and clothes for his newborn son. 

Sadly, this little family arrangement was not to last. 

Brian had longed to leave Cheltenham, and he saw his chance when, on a trip to London, he first met Alexis Korner, a blues purist who led the band Blues Incorporated. The older musician was impressed by Brian’s musical skills and knowledge, and as time went by, Brian started making more and more trips to London, staying with Alexis and his wife on such weekend excursions. Eventually, Brian moved to London, promising Pat he would send for her and Mark once he had the means to provide for them. 

Unfortunately for her, this would be one of many promises that Brian wouldn’t keep. 

It seems, in general, that Brian only set his sights on music, solely focusing his efforts on improving his skills. Laura Jackson’s book stated that, at one point in his life, Brian had held down 24 jobs in two years (😲). Among the various jobs he held were coal miner, factory worker, record store clerk, archivist, and bus conductor (despite his hatred of public transport, he loved buses and trains). However, none of these jobs lasted very long, with some lasting merely a week, or even less than that. He also tried applying to university, if only to placate his parents by telling them he’d get a job involving optics, but his application was withdrawn after someone (likely a landlord pissed with Brian after he fell behind on the rent) wrote to the school, calling Brian an “irresponsible drifter.”

On April 7, 1962, Brian, taking the stage name Elmo Lewis, performed as a guest with Blues Incorporated along with Paul Pond (later known as Paul Jones of Manfred Mann). By now, Brian was skilled with guitar, piano, clarinet, harmonica, saxophone, and most notably, slide guitar. It was on this night that two eighteen-year-olds, Michael Phillip Jagger and Keith Richards, first saw him. In 2010, Keith wrote, “We first met Brian Jones at the Ealing Jazz Club. He was calling himself Elmo Lewis. He wanted to be Elmore James at the time. ‘You’ll have to get a tan and put on a few inches, boy.’ But slide guitar was a real novelty in England, and Brian played it that night. He played ‘Dust My Broom,’ and it was electrifying. He played it beautifully. We were very impressed with Brian. I think Mick was the first to go up and talk to him, and we discovered that he had his own band, most of whom deserted him in the next few weeks.” Reportedly, Keith even kept nudging Mick and another friend, Dick Taylor (later of the Pretty Things), and whispered “It’s Elmore James! It is man! It’s fuckin’ Elmore James!” 

The next month, Brian put an ad in the paper for aspiring blues musicians. The first to show up was pianist Ian Stewart, and before long, they were jamming to Robert Johnson’s “Sweet Home Chicago.” Then there was Mick, who agreed to join if Keith could come along. Initially, there was also Geoff Bradford and Brian Knight, but they left soon after, refusing to perform the works of Chuck Berry. They were replaced by Dick Taylor and Tony Chapman. 

I’ve gone into more detail about this in the past, but when Blues Incorporated got a spot on a radio show, Mick and Brian agreed to hold down the fort. However, while Brian was trying to place an ad for the gig in the papers, he was asked to give a name for the fledgling group. Desperate, Brian saw a Best of Muddy Waters compilation on the floor, and Side 1, Track 5 was “Rollin’ Stone Blues.” 

And thus, the band became “The Rollin’ Stones.”

They played their first show on July 12, 1962. 

The next month, Mick, Keith, and Brian moved into a flat called Edith Grove. They would remain in the dingy flat until September 1963, and since then, that period of their lives has become simultaneously famous and infamous (Mick and Keith even commented upon it recently: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNRKTFCA7c0&t=205s)  

For now though, Brian and Keith spent their time developing what Keith later dubbed “guitar weaving,” where the guitarists would play off each other to the point where two guitars sounded like one). It’s a tradition that’s survived through to this day, including through several line-up changes within the Rolling Stones (this is likely seen in other bands to one extent or another too). 

The band also fought through the winter of 1962/63, one of the coldest in Britain in over a century. In December, Bill Wyman replaced Dick Taylor on bass, and in January, Charlie Watts replaced Tony Chapman on drums. Early in 1963, Brian managed to get the group a residency at the Crawdaddy Club, after the Dave Hunt Group couldn’t make it due to the terrible weather and abysmal road conditions. By the end of March, the group had cut their first recording sessions. 

And then, in April, Andrew Loog Oldham and Eric Easton made their presences known.

Motherfucking Andrew Oldham .

I believe my reasons for hating his guts will become a bit more clear as I continue with this. 

In May, Andrew became the band’s manager, whilst Eric Easton became the band’s financial advisor. Because Andrew was 19 and under the age of 21 (age of majority in Britain at the time), his mother had to co-sign on just about every contract he signed, and he also couldn’t obtain an agent’s license. 

Quickly, Andrew set his sights on Mick as the band’s golden boy (I mean, come on, those dance moves), as opposed to the kid who actually had blonde hair....

Begrudgingly, I will admit that if it wasn’t for Andrew, the Rolling Stones probably never would’ve found the level of success they did. He definitely got the publicity ball rolling (pun intended) with headlines such as “Would You Let Your Sister Go With a Rolling Stone?” For a while, he also served as the Stones’ producer on albums. 

However, make no mistake, he, Mick, and Keith were terrible to Brian. I’ll try and go into more detail as I go along, but Andrew led a whispering campaign against Brian, Mick and Brian shared an intense rivalry in just about every aspect of their lives, and if Paul Trynka’s book is to be believed, Keith would throw things at Brian to the point of causing physical pain, or he’d otherwise pick fights with Brian. 

Let’s also not forget that in 1963, Andrew made the callous decision to cut Ian Stewart from the band on the basis of him not fitting in with the others (he had a square chin and a 50′s haircut) and his belief that the fans would never remember more than five faces (we Linkin Park fans would beg to differ). 

Look, I respect Mick and Keith as songwriters and entertainers, but it’s very hard for me to extend that same respect to them as people. 

In either case, the Stones’ first single, a cover of Chuck Berry’s “Come On”, was released on June 23, 1963. From there, the band slowly but surely gained a following, and for a time, Brian retained some of his initial leadership role. 

And then, while the band was touring in October 1963, they found out that Brian had an agreement with Eric Easton, and was receiving an extra £5 for every show. 

Keep in mind, Bill Wyman later wrote that, at that point, they were earning £193 a week. Even accounting for inflation (and in my case, currency exchanges), that’s less than ten percent of what the band was earning. 

Still, because everyone had been under the impression that they were earning the same amount of money per member, it caused the first rifts between Brian and the rest of the band, and laid the foundations of his eventual ousting from the band he’d worked so hard to create. 

By June 1964, the Stones had gained a respectable following on their home turf, but they had a harder time gaining a following in America, largely due to the fact that they hadn’t had a major single yet, and not helped by how people like Dean Martin made fun of their “long” hair (let’s face it, by today’s standards, their hair would generally be considered short nowadays). 

They started to gain that following with the release of the songs “Time Is On Our Side” and “It’s All Over Now.” It only increased with their performance on the TAMI show in late 1964. 

There’s a couple things I should note now. First, a couple months before, Andrew made the push for Mick and Keith to start writing songs (his reasons for focusing on the Dartfordian boys are beyond me). See, originally, the Stones were a Blues cover band, and in his earliest days as their manager, he tried to market them as a Beatles counterpart (complete with matching suits and hairstyles), which horrified the Beatles, who were actually good friends with the Stones even in their early days. However, he soon eschewed that in favor of marketing the Stones as the “anti-Beatles” (even though both bands reportedly even timed album releases so that neither’s success would encroach on the others’). Even so, with this move, Andrew was clearly taking some inspiration from the Lennon-McCartney partnership in trying to push for a Jagger-Richards partnership. Keith claimed years later that Andrew locked them in a room until they could come out with some songs, but Mick has denied that this ever happened. In either case, one of their earliest songs would be made famous by Marianne Faithfull: “As Tears Go By”. 

Second, there is a lot of debate as to whether Brian could actually write songs. Mick, Keith, Ian, and Andrew have all basically said that Brian couldn’t write a song for shit. However, Brian’s girlfriend in 1964, Linda Lawrence, said that she and her mother saw Brian writing songs, but when he tried to bring up his ideas to the other Stones, he would be coldly dismissed, with Keith once saying, “It sounds like a bloody Welsh hymn!”

(At this point, I’d like to ask, “What’s wrong with Welsh hymns?”) 

Some sites on the internet allege that Brian did write songs, a couple were recorded, and one even features him singing! Trust me, aside from the above examples, Brian singing lead or co-lead on any song is woefully rare. However, if the acetates in question do exist, then they certainly haven’t been released. 

To this day, the only writing credits Brian has to his name are a jingle for a Rice Krispies commercial and the soundtrack for Mord Und Totschlag, which has never been officially released (more on this later). Also worth noting is that in the 90′s, one of Brian’s poems was set to music, but that’s a very loose example, since he is only credited with the lyrics (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gEE4I7ORlY).  

In any case, as time passed, Brian became more and more alienated from the Stones, Sometimes, it was because he missed out on concerts (make no mistake though, he only missed 12 out of some 930 Stones shows in his lifetime, and it could usually be chalked up to health problems). Other times, it’d be because of something Brian said or did, such as when Brian disappeared for a few days when he was contemplating leaving the band due to the stress and bullying in April 1965. 

There’s many other things, big and small, that I could talk about. In either case, it seems that whether Brian did something or not, it’d invariably come back to bite him in the ass. 

Also during this time, he had his last two confirmed children. First, there’s the aforementioned Julian Brian, his child with Linda Lawrence born in 1964. Linda and Pat later tried to file lawsuits against Brian for child support, and in both cases, they received either a lump sum or payments from the government. Later on, in 1970, Linda married Brian’s friend, Donovan Leitch. Then, while he was dating Linda Lawrence, Brian was having an affair with 19-year-old Dawn Molloy. When she became pregnant, Andrew told Brian to stop seeing her. Andrew later coerced Dawn into signing an agreement that she would never tell the press or the public that Brian Jones was the father of her baby, which was witnessed by Mick Jagger of all people. In addition, she also received £700 for her silence. She later gave birth to Brian’s fifth child, Paul Molloy, in March 1965 and was forced by her parents to give the baby up for adoption. Fortunately, this tale of woe does have a happy ending in that mother and son were reunited in 1994, and both have since spoken out about their experiences. Paul (renamed John Maynard) later stated, “First, I'd probably hit him for what he did to Dawn. Then I'd brush him down and ask him if he wanted a coffee. I'd like to chat with him. To get to know him and for him to get to know me. He'd like me, I know he would. I'd want him to be proud of me. To be honest, I'd just want him to be my dad.”

On September 14, 1965, Brian met German-Italian actress Anita Pallenberg. She apparently went for him because he was the most popular member of the Rolling Stones at the time, and they also were both fluent in German, so part of their early connection was built on that. 

The Who’s Pete Townshend later stated, "We hung out a lot from about 1964 to 1966. Part of the time he was seeing Anita Pallenberg. She was a stunning creature. I mean literally stunning. It was quite hard to maintain one’s gaze. One time in Paris I remember they took some drug and were so sexually stimulated they could hardly wait for me to leave the room before starting to shag. I felt Brian was living on a higher plane of decadence than anyone I would ever meet.”

Many Stones fans who know of Brian’s story tend to hate Anita to varying degrees (based on personal observation). As this progresses, I hope that at least some of the reasons will become clear. 

According to Paul Trynka, Anita gave him the confidence to go up against Mick and Keith, and it was her that helped him become the fashion icon he is remembered as today (and that’s how I also know he’d apparently wash his hair up to five or six times per day). Though, in general, Brian started to act a bit more willfully, if not a bit irrationally at times. 

However, their relationship was far from a healthy one. 

Actually, it’s probably comparable with Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen and Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love in terms of how messed up it was. 

For me, the morally objectionable part isn’t that they were apparently into S&M, but rather that they abused each other, both physically and mentally. More often than not, though, Brian will invariably get most of the flak.  

Take, for example, this quote from Keith Richards, “I would hear the thumping some nights, and Brian would come out with a black eye. Brian was a woman beater. But the one woman in the world you did not want to try and beat up on was Anita Pallenberg. Every time they had a fight, Brian would come out bandaged and bruised.”

In addition, one of the most circulated stories about their tumultuous relationship was the time Brian broke his wrist in September 1966. 

Reportedly, Brian told the press that he’d broken his wrist in a stupid accident. However, most others say that Brian broke his wrist during another fight with Anita, either on a metal window frame or on her face (sources vary). 

Bill Wyman has this to state about the matter: “While Charlie and Shirley were on holiday in Greece, Brian made plans to take a holiday in Morocco, a country that fascinated him, with Anita and antique dealer Christopher Gibbs, a friend of his as well as of Mick and Keith. The party flew to Tangier on 28 August, but the trip was quickly marred by tensions between Brian and Anita. This couple, so magnetically drawn together, began squabbling about almost everything- both in the privacy of their room and publicly in restaurants. There were stories of fights and after seven days Brian returned to London with a broken left wrist in a plaster cast. Various reasons were given. First Brian said he broke it while climbing; Christopher Gibbs declared that Brian tried to hit Anita, missed, and hit the metal frame of a window; and finally Brian stated: ‘I fell on a slippery bathroom floor and trapped my hand under my hip and the bath. That’s the real story.’ Nobody who knew Brian’s record of fisticuffs with women doubted that the broken wrist was traceable to an altercation with Anita.”

I should mention that before this incident though, 1966 was one of the Stones’ most musically innovative periods, with Brian almost entirely eschewing the guitar for most of the rest of his career with the Rolling Stones. He brought the sitar to “Paint It Black”, dulcimer to “Lady Jane”, marimba to “Under My Thumb”, and so on. In fact, in his lifetime, Brian had learned many instruments, including piano, clarinet, saxophone, guitar, harmonica, slide guitar, mellotron, bass guitar, rhythm guitar, marimba, euphonium, recorder, dulcimer, recorder, drums, vibraslap, autoharp, congas, harpsichord, vocals, tambourine, maracas, organ, koto, double bass, kazoo, oboe, trumpet, tanbura, harp, flute, clavinet, vibraphone, banjo, accordion, glockenspiel, xylophone, and trombone.

And like I’ve said, I can’t even play the piano yet (or harmonica for that matter). 

In 1966, Anita got a leading role in the movie Mord Und Totschlag (A Degree of Murder), and Brian asked the director, Volker Schlondorff, if he could do the soundtrack, and agreed to do it for free. The director and the musician apparently became pretty good friends during this time, and Brian also brought in Jimmy Page (guitars), Nicky Hopkins (piano), Kenney Jones (drums), Glyn Johns (engineering), Peter Gosling (vocals), and Mike Leander (orchestra) for an assist. Even if lyrics were a stumbling block for him, it is this that shows that Brian had the potential to be a great songwriter. However, while on set, Brian could be difficult. For one thing, he procrastinated (I can relate). In addition, his insecurity often bubbled to the surface. Schlondorff himself later stated, “He was driven by this narcissistic need, to be recognized, to be loved, for attention. And Anita was stronger than he was at that moment. She could control things, by giving attention, or withholding it, or by treating him in a very condescending way. Then he’d get nasty, in the sense that he’s the one who’s got the money or whatever, so he’d punish her that way. And I’m certain he’d treat her physically badly, too.  So he already was, in some ways, an unhappy and pathetic figure”

Even so, the film premiered at Cannes on April 19, 1967, though by then, Brian and Anita had split. While the movie finally got a DVD/Blu-Ray release fifty-two years later, in 2019, the soundtrack still has yet to be released. 

On February 12, 1967, Keith’s home, Redlands, was raided after the tabloid News of the World (thankfully defunct now) tipped off the police that drugs were being done at a party. Mick was charged with drug possession and Keith was charged with allowing his home to be used for the smoking of cannabis.

Not long after, Andrew fled to America, and was fired in September 1967, being replaced by Allen Klein in the process.

On the advice on their lawyers, Mick, Keith, Brian, and Anita left the country.

I should note that by now, Brian was addicted to alcohol, nicotine, LSD, marijuana, cannabis, prescription pills, and god only knows what else.

At this point though, Brian was far from being fit to travel. In March, as the group made a stopover in Gibraltar, Brian (probably high) got it in his head to play the soundtrack for Mord und Totschlag for some Barbary monkeys. The monkeys, being monkeys, didn’t take too kindly to that, and scampered off. Brian didn’t take this very well, and between having an asthma attack (which Anita and Marianne apparently thought he was faking for sympathy) and screaming profanities that would probably make hardened sailors blush, he was weeping, reportedly shouting, “No one likes my music!”

Yes, at first glance, the incident would seem comical, but all I see is a man truly beginning to fall apart at the seams.

In Toulouse, Brian fell ill with pneumonia, and had to spend several days in the hospital, including his 25th birthday. Keith and Anita went on ahead, and started up an affair behind his back.When Brian was able to finally rendezvous with the rest of the group, the affair between Keith and Anita did not go unnoticed by him. The only certainties about what happened next are that Brian paid for the services of two prostitutes, and something happened between him and Anita. 

Trust me, it’s best not to use the movie Stoned as a source for this. 

In his autobiography, Keith had this to say about the events of that fateful night: “And of course Brian starts his old shit again, in Marrakech in the Es Sadi hotel, trying to take Anita on for fifteen rounds. His reaction to whatever he sensed between Anita and me was more violence. And once again he breaks two ribs and a finger or something. And I’m watching it, hearing it. Brian was about to sign his own exit card and help Anita and me on our way. There’s no point to this noninterference anymore. We’re stuck in Marrakech, this is the woman I’m in love with, and I’ve got to relinquish her out of some formality? All of my plans of rebuilding my relationship with Brian are obviously going straight down the drain. In the condition he was in, there was no point in building anything with Brian. I’d done my best... Now it was just unacceptable. Then Brian dragged two tattooed whores- remembered by Anita, incidentally, as “really hairy girls”- down the hotel corridor and into the room, trying to force Anita into a scene, humiliating her in front of them. He started to fling food at her from the many trays he’d ordered up. At that point Anita ran to my room.”

Byron Gysin, who was with the Stones during their stay in Morocco, had this to say: “Expensive ladies. This one cost Brian a packet, the whole packet: Anita and the Stones, his life as a musician, and eventually his life.”

Upon what was done, Keith similarly had this to say: “I thought Anita wanted out of there, and if I could come up with a plan, she would take it. Sir Galahad again. But I wanted her back; I wanted to get out. I said, ‘You didn’t come to Marrakech to worry that you’ve beaten up your old man so much he’s lying in the bath with broken ribs. I can’t take this shit anymore. I can’t listen to you getting beaten up and fighting and all this crap. This is pointless. Let’s get the hell out of here. Let’s just leave him. We’re having much more fun without him. It’s been a very, very hard week for me knowing that you’re with him.’ Anita was in tears. She didn’t want to leave, but she realized that I was right when I said that Brian would probably try and kill her.”

And so, the next day, Keith, Mick, and Anita hightailed it out of there, leaving Brian stranded in Morocco. 

About this, Gysin states, “Less than half an hour later, Brian is on the blower to me, sobbing: ‘Come! Come quickly! They’ve all gone and left me! Cleared out, I don’t know where they’ve gone. No message. The hotel won’t tell me. I’m here all alone, help me. Come at once!’ I go over there. Get him into bed. Call a doctor to give him a shot and stick around long enough to see it take hold on him. Don’t want him jumping down those ten stories into the swimming pool.”

Brian never forgave Keith. 

Brian’s father blamed Anita for breaking his heart, but those who were closer to Brian, such as Linda Lawrence, said that it was the betrayal of Mick and Keith, the men he’d once considered brothers, that really broke him. 

In either case, Brian slipped into a downward spiral from which he’d never recover. 

On the subject of Brian’s drug use, Mick later stated in the 2012 documentary Crossfire Hurricane, “Keith and I took drugs, but Brian took too many drugs of the wrong kind and he wasn’t functioning as a musician. I don’t think he was that interested in contributing to the Rolling Stones anymore.”

On May 10, just as Mick and Keith were being formally charged with various drug offenses, Brian’s home was raided by police. They found marijuana, cocaine, and methamphetamine in his house. He confessed to marijuana use, but denied he used stronger substances (I’ll leave it up to you guys whether you believe that’s true or not). 

Mick and Keith were sentenced to various prison sentences in June, released on appeal shortly after, and in July, Keith’s sentence was overturned entirely, while Mick was given a years’ probation. Their release was in large part due to the public outcry that resulted from the trials. 

But where Mick and Keith seemed to blossom in the aftermath, Brian seemed to only wilt. 

Against his lawyer’s advice, Brian plead guilty. On Allen Klein’s advice, he isolated himself from the Stones even further. Above all else, he didn’t take the matter as seriously as he could or should have.  

On October 30, Brian was found guilty of cannabis possession and allowing his home to be used for the smoking of cannabis. 

He was sentenced to a total of twelve months in prison. 

Reportedly, during the night, Brian was taunted by guards, who threatened to cut the long, blonde hair he was so proud of. 

He was released awaiting appeal the next day, but he’d been deeply shaken by the experience. In December, his case went on appeal, and because his defense testified that he had an “already fragile mental make-up” and his doctor said that Brian was “anxious, considerably depressed, and potentially suicidal”, Brian was fined, given three years’ probation, and given strict orders to seek professional help. 

Even so, Brian’s health, social, mental, and physical alike, continued to decline.

Another anecdote that lends credence to this: in January 1968, Brian (by now sporting a beard that even die-hard fans tend to recoil from in horror), joined his friend, Jimi Hendrix, during the recording sessions for “All Along the Watchtower.” (Prior to this, Brian had introduced Jimi to an American audience at the 1967 Monterey Pop Festival). Brian’s first attempt at contributing to what would become Jimi’s most iconic song (even impressing Bob Dylan, who originally sang/wrote it) was to attempt a piano line. However, Brian was incredibly drunk at the time, and could only produce off-key clunking. 

For once in his life, Brian’s musical abilities had failed him. 

It got to the point where Jimi shot sound engineer Eddie Kramer a look that said “Can we get him to stop?” At that point, Eddie ushered Brian into the control room, where he fell on the floor and passed out. 

Brian did eventually contribute percussion in the form of the vibraslap, which can be heard in the opening bars of the song. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLV4_xaYynY)

In May, a little over a year after his first arrest, Brian was arrested for cannabis possession for a second time. Sources disagree on whether or not Brian had been trying to get clean, but those who believe Brian was making that effort lean towards the opinion that this time, the cops planted the dope on Brian (including myself). 

This time, Brian plead not guilty, and though his defense argued that the evidence against Brian was circumstantial at best, the jury found him guilty regardless. This time however, the judge was much more lenient and decided to let Brian off with a fine and a stern warning to not appear in court again, offering him the same treatment he would’ve gotten had he not been famous. 

From here, most of the remaining anecdotes paint a bleak, contradictory picture of Brian’s life, showing him as a man continually absent from recording sessions. If and when he would show up, he’d generally be too intoxicated to properly contribute (his most likely vices at this point likely included alcohol and Mandrax). 

The last Rolling Stones album to feature him as a major presence was Their Satanic Majesties Request (1967). 

His last major contribution to one of their songs was the slide guitar on “No Expectations.”

For more context, I will take a paragraph from Paul Trynka’s book, “Other insiders share [George] Chikantz’s perception of a hardness at the heart of the Stones, most notably Jack Nitzche. Throughout 1965 and 1966 he’d noted rancour during the band’s RCA sessions. When he resumed work with the band towards the end of 1968, he reckoned the atmosphere had changed- for the worse. His vignette of seeing Mick with Brian is chilling. “Brian came up to me, looking pretty shaky, and asked me what I thought he should do- he didn’t know where he fit[ted] in. I told him to just pick up a guitar and start playing. Then he walked over to Mick and asked, “What should I play?” Mick told him, “You’re a member of the band, Brian, play whatever you want.” So he played something, but Mick stopped him and said, “No, Brian, not that- that’s no good.” So Brian asked him again what to play and Mick told him again to play whatever he wanted. So Brian played something else, but Mick cut him off again- “No, that’s no good either, Brian.”’”

Of this time period, Mick stated, “ You certainly didn't know if he was going to turn up and what state he was going to be in and then, what he was going to be able to do in that state. What job could you give him? And then, one time, when we sat around, on the floor, we played, in a circle, playing "No Expectations". And he picked the guitar and played a very pretty line on it which you can hear on the record. And that was the last thing I remember him doing that was Brian. Or, the Brian that could contribute something very pretty and sensitive and it made the record sound wonderful.”

The Who’s Pete Townshend, also stated, “When we played The Rolling Stones’ Rock and Roll Circus I was very upset about Brian’s condition. I was upset at Keith Richards’ green complexion, too, but he seemed in good spirits. Brian was defeated. I took Mick and Keith aside and they were quite frank about it all; they said Brian had ceased to function, they were afraid he would slip away. They certainly were not hard-nosed about him. But they were determined not to let him drag them down, that was clear. Brian certainly slipped away that evening. He died soon after.”

Keith himself later stated, “We didn’t even expect him to be there. If he turned up, we’d find something for him to do  I'd ask him, "You got anything?" You know, "What do you think about this? Want to put something over this?" Or, but, eh, by then he was already in Bye-Bye Land. “

By now, it’s clear to me that Brian was either unable or unwilling to seek proper treatment for his addictions or mental health ailments, and very few, if any of the people in his company were willing to either help or intervene. 

The Rock and Roll Circus was the last time Brian performed with the Stones. 

The last songs he ever played on were “Midnight Rambler” (congas) and “You’ve Got the Silver” (autoharp). 

Six months later, the Stones were making plans to go on tour for the first time since 1967. However, it was soon brought to the attention of their lawyers that Brian would be unlikely, if not entirely unable to get a work visa in the USA due to his prior drug convictions. 

Due to this and Brian’s increasing lack of contributions to the band’s music, Ian Stewart suggested that they let Brian go. 

Ultimately, it was Mick and Keith’s decision, and they decided to take Ian’s suggestion to heart. First, they brought on 20-year-old Mick Taylor as their new guitarist. Then, on June 8, 1969, Mick and Keith went to Cotchford Farm to give Brian the news, bringing Charlie along in case a fight broke out. Brian, however, decided to back out gracefully, and in various press releases, including Brian’s, it was made to appear as if Brian had elected to leave the band entirely of his own accord.

I should talk about the last photos of Brian ever taken, shot by Helen Spittal on June 23, 1969, nine days before Brian’s death. Most people would only really see the heavy bags under his eyes and the obvious weight gain and all they see is a man near the end of his rope. But for me, in some of the photos, I can still see a tiny spark of life in those sea-green eyes of his; the tiniest spark of hope that, if things had gone differently, he could’ve gotten better. 

Maybe I’m just biased. 

Either way, it was never meant to be. 

Even now, there is considerable debate as to whether or not Brian was still doing drugs. Some say that Brian was making a decided effort to get off of drugs. Laura Jackson’s book even claims that Brian hated even taking prescription drugs by now. In her book though, his girlfriend at the time, Anna Wohlin, claimed that he’d been doing cocaine after Keith left some at his house as a gift (even though Brian had denied using cocaine just two years earlier). In addition, Brian had been prescribed Black bombers (durophet), Valium, Mandrax, and Piriton on top of his inhaler. 

Even though the witness reports taken from the time are contradictory, they’ve been my most valuable source in my research. Besides, I remember seeing in a documentary called Killing Lincoln that of the hundreds of witness reports taken in the immediate aftermath of the assassination, none of them matched up. For me, it’s a matter of piecing together what generally correlates between the accounts. What is generally agreed upon in the case of Brian’s death is that he was with Anna, Janet Lawson, and Frank Thorogood, and he decided to go swimming in 80°F water. Frank was all for it, but Anna and Janet expressed concerns. Most of you reading this will know the rest. 

Above, you’ll see Janet’s testimony, taken on the morning of Brian’s death. I know you can all read, but I’d still like to highlight a couple of her statements in particular. 

“Brian guided us back to the house with a hand torch. It was clear that he was unsteady on his feet as the light was unreliable. He seemed to be talking quite sensibly, I believe about the drainage scheme. Nevertheless, it was obvious that he had been drinking. ...Brian attempted conversation, but it was a little garbled ‘and he excused it by saying, ‘I’ve had my sleepers’ or some such phrase. From this I gathered he had taken sleeping tablets.”

At this point, I feel it’s important to note that a, Janet was a registered nurse, and b, Mandrax and black bombers are no longer legal or distributed, and beyond that, some of the drugs Brian was taking at the time of his death feature side-effects such as seizures, drowsiness, unsteadiness and other problems with coordination, slurred speech, and others. Alcohol (equivalent to seven whiskeys) definitely wouldn’t have helped whatever cocktail of drugs Brian had taken that night.

In my not-so-professional opinion, whether he went swimming or not that night, Brian was several levels of screwed. 

“I saw that Brian had great difficulty in holding his balance on the spring board. Frank was doing his best to assist him but not very successfully. Eventually, Brian flopped into the water and yet despite his condition seemed to be able to cope and made his strokes in the deep end. His movements were sluggish, but I felt reasonably assured that they all were able to look after each other.”

I think most doctors nowadays would tell you that in any event where someone’s been drinking, it’s best to have someone sober in the immediate vicinity to make sure nothing bad happens (like drinking and driving). 

Of Brian’s death, Janet states, “I went out to the pool and on the bottom I saw Brian. He was facedown in the deep end. He was motionless and I sensed the worst straight away. 

“I shouted under the open window of the bedroom to Anna who was speaking on the telephone. I ran into the house and shouted to Frank. Both joined me- I was by then in the water but realized I couldn’t manage him alone and I shouted to Frank to get into the pool to get Brian out.”

Still, she’s a registered nurse and she just left him on the bottom...? 😑

“I returned to the pool to get Frank to use the ‘phone and he and Anna were struggling to get Brian out of the water. I helped and we eventually got him out. He lay on his back and as Frank went to the house to ‘phone I turned the body over and attempted to pump the water out of him. It was obvious to me he was dead but I turned the body back and I told Anna how to apply mouth to mouth resuscitation as I applied external cardiac massage.

“I carried on for at least fifteen minutes but there was no pulse.

“The three swimmers were in such a condition that I was tempted to return to the flat but I had a moral obligation to keep an eye on them because I sensed they were all being very stupid- I suppose as a nurse I felt responsible.”

Brian Jones was pronounced dead early in the morning of July 3, 1969, though the coroner estimated that his death happened at sometime near or around 11:30 PM on July 2, 1969. Based upon the evidence that Brian’s heart and liver were twice as large as they should have been for a man of his age, he was suffering from pleurisy and other bronchial trouble, and the aforementioned quantities of alcohol and prescription drugs found in his system and noting the pink foam (sputum) in his nostrils and the lack of evidence of an asthma attack, it was ruled as a case of “misadventure.”

In layman’s terms, Brian had drowned due to a cocktail of prescription pills and alcohol. 

To this day, however, theories persist that Brian’s death was either an act of manslaughter, perpetrated by Frank Thorogood in a bout of drunken horseplay gone terribly wrong, or that Brian was intentionally drowned, either for firing Frank, trying to start a supergroup with John Lennon and Jimi Hendrix (Jimi’s camp denies this), having an affair with Princess Margaret (yes, really), or for just about every other reason in the bloody book you can conjure up. 

Really, though, I once again have to ask, if Brian was really murdered, then why is so much of the evidence circumstantial, and why did so many of the supposed witnesses fail to come forward for a good decade or three after Brian’s death. Seriously, I don’t think someone like Tom Keylock would have the sort of political reach to uphold an entire conspiracy. None of it makes sense, and I’ve been studying this case for five months.

Two days after his death, the Stones performed a free concert at Hyde Park. It was originally meant to be an introduction for Mick Taylor, but it became a tribute to Brian in light of his death. A giant picture of Brian sat on the side of the stage, Mick read two verses of Percy Bysshe Shelley’s Adonais, and thousands of butterflies were released, though by that time, many had died due to the boxes not being properly ventilated. The Stones in the Park Concert would never be regarded as their technical best, but it was still regarded as a success. Also interesting to note; before the concert, officials were worried about potential widespread property damage and general unruliness. But then, the night before the concert, fans started showing up, and since they were being quiet and respectful, police let them stay, even after the park’s usual closing time at midnight. Contrary to popular belief, the property damage only totaled £100, with the worst of the damage being inflicted upon a tree that had been planted the previous year. The fans even helped clean up the park after the show, and those who collected the most trash were rewarded with free Stones LPs.

Brian’s funeral was held on Thursday, July 10, 1969. He was buried in Cheltenham, though Laura Jackson’s book claims that he’d once told Helen that he wished to be buried at Cotchford Farm after his death. Even then, it’s doubtful that Brian would have wanted to be buried in the town he’d wanted to escape for so long, which is why people like myself and Caitlin Doughty (check out “Ask a Mortician,” it’s amazing) will advocate in favor of telling your family what you want done with your body after you die. The funeral was presided over by Canon Hugh Evan Hopkins. In my opinion, (this is not meant to be anti-religious) he made an ass of himself with the speech he gave: “He had little patience with authority, convention, and tradition. In this he was typical of many of his generation who have come to see in the Stones an expression of their whole attitude to life. Much that this ancient church has stood for in 900 years seems totally irrelevant to them.”

It might not be the worst speech I’ve ever heard about being delivered at a funeral, but dammit, no wonder Keith has never concerned himself with “petty morals.”

The only members of the Stones in attendance were Bill Wyman and Charlie Watts. Mick and Marianne were on a plane to Australia to begin shooting Ned Kelly. They later claimed that the people behind the film wouldn’t allow them an extension so that they could attend the funeral. Years later, Keith also had this to say: “It was going to be too much of a circus. And, anyway, I didn't ever go to my mother's funeral or my father's. We didn't have one. We're like that in my family. You know, my dad is now an oak tree. We put his ashes where there's an enormous oak tree growing and every year he gets a little bit bigger. And my mum, she said, "Don't make no fuss over me, boy." "I promise I'll make no fuss, mum." And Hyde Park was the funeral.”

We’ll just have to go with that... 

Brian was buried in a silver and bronze casket that was allegedly paid for by Bob Dylan, wearing a powder blue jacket, white shirt, and black tie with his hair lightened and cut in its trademark bob. By all accounts, it looked as though he were sleeping. His parents had wanted to keep the whole affair private, but then somebody in the Stones’ management got a hold of the information and leaked the details to the press. The heartless leeches even wanted to get pictures of Brian lying in his coffin, but his parents managed to prevent that from happening, so there’s that at least. 

In regards to the rest of the world, Jimi Hendrix dedicated a song to Brian on American television, Jim Morrison wrote the poem “Ode to L.A. While Thinking of Brian Jones, Deceased”, and Pete Townshend wrote the poem “A Normal Day for Brian, A Man Who Died Every Day.” By coincidence, Hendrix and Morrison later died at 27 within the next two years (but that’s a story I’ll have to talk about next time). 

Two years after his death, Brian’s only solo album, Brian Jones Presents the Pipes of Pan at Joujouka was released in October 1971. It had been recorded on another one of Brian’s trips to Morocco in 1968, and aside from a few sound effects, he only served as the album’s producer. If nothing else, it truly shows how appreciative Brian was of Moroccan music in that he mostly just let their music speak for itself. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwEoDGeNyrE&t=613s)

Also, am I the only one who strenuously objects to the phrasing “In Affectionate Remembrance of...” on Brian’s and Pamela’s gravestones? No? Okay then...

According to one (possibly apocryphal) anecdote, Keith once said to Brian, “You’ll never make thirty, man.”

Brian’s response?

“I know.”

Death hasn’t been kind to Brian Jones. If anyone remembers him, it’s generally for his early death. The hatchet still has yet to be buried between Mick, Keith, and Brian. They rarely speak of him, and whether it’s a kind word is extremely variable. More often than not though, it’s not kind, emphasizing his faults of character over everything else.  Bill is the only one who’s truly stood up for Brian over the years, and his portrait of Brian is one of the most nuanced we’ve gotten from the Stones’ camp: “ There were at least two sides to Brian's personality. One Brian was introverted, shy, sensitive, deep-thinking. The other was a preening peacock, gregarious, artistic, desperately needing assurance from his peers. He pushed every friendship to the limit and way beyond.” Many of Brian’s achievements have gone largely unnoticed, which is a shame, because I think that although Brian had major personality flaws, it’s important not to forget that he had a good side as well, and that he was a musical genius, and it’s a shame that we never got to see the post-Stones life Brian could have lived. 

If nothing else, I’d like to leave this part off with a poem Brian wrote in 1968 that was featured on the back of the compilation album Through the Past, Darkly (Big Hits Vol. 2):

“When this you see, remember me 

and bear me in your mind

Let all the world say what they may

speak of me as you find.”

Sources/Further Readings: https://www.upvenue.com/music-news/blog-headline/1026/the-27-club-musicians-who-died-at-27-years-old.html

https://coloradosound.org/27-club/

https://www.seattlepi.com/news/article/P-I-s-Writer-in-Residence-Charles-R-Cross-1229072.php

http://sciencenetlinks.com/science-news/science-updates/27-club-myth/

https://www.inquisitr.com/13488/stating-the-obvious-amy-winehouse-fears-early-death/

https://www.hse.ie/eng/services/publications/mentalhealth/media-guidelines-for-the-portrayal-of-suicide-3.pdf

https://www.samaritans.org/about-samaritans/media-guidelines/

https://spinditty.com/artists-bands/The-dead-at-27-Club

Remastered: Devil at the Crossroads

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-ppLCkvPJU

https://theconversation.com/the-27-club-is-a-myth-56-is-the-bum-note-for-musicians-33586

https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-lists/the-27-club-a-brief-history-17853/robert-johnson-26971/

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/james-douglas-morrison-poet-dead-at-27-40343/

https://www.insider.com/27-club-celebrities-musicians-died-27-years-old-2017-9

https://coloradosound.org/27-club/

https://www.forever27.co.uk/hall-of-fame.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/27_Club

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Johnson 

https://www.udiscovermusic.com/stories/devils-music-myth-robert-johnson/

https://www.robertjohnsonbluesfoundation.org/biography/

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/09/25/obituaries/robert-johnson-overlooked.html

https://www.biography.com/musician/robert-johnson

https://www.rockhall.com/inductees/robert-johnson

https://www.allmusic.com/artist/robert-johnson-mn0000832288/biography

http://musingsonmusic.com/2013/01/15/Robert-Johnson-as-told-by-Keith-Richards/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feIaNfFONWo

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/YMMV/RobertJohnson

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/17/arts/brian-jones-the-making-of-the-rolling-stones-a-biography.html

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https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/brian-jones-sympathy-for-the-devil-182761/

https://books.google.com/books?id=4JD9fio-iLkC&pg=PA206&lpg=PA206&dq=Mick+Jagger+and+Keith+Richards+visited+the+Ealing+Club&source=bl&ots=U6uNKnlMDP&sig=T3iJowA4Zd-o_NkgGcKKS-3g3qA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiPr7Wawo7TAhUm5oMKHW6kCMgQ6AEIQjAJ#v=onepage&q=Mick%20Jagger%20and%20Keith%20Richards%20visited%20the%20Ealing%20Club&f=false

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https://ultimateclassicrock.com/mick-jagger-keith-richards-met-brian-jones/

https://www.post-gazette.com/ae/books/2014/11/30/Paint-it-black-Brian-Jones-The-Making-of-the-Rolling-Stones/stories/201411300179

https://www.villagevoice.com/2019/07/03/when-the-angels-and-400000-others-said-goodbye-to-brian-jones/

https://books.google.com/books?id=SvuiDwAAQBAJ&pg=PT336&lpg=PT336&dq=brian+jones+five+pound+note&source=bl&ots=A2Z3-2WKrk&sig=ACfU3U25rObwcTlgfYBh_WvD_DqTQCSwpw&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiT8NL66aflAhWVpp4KHU6PAGUQ6AEwFHoECAoQAQ#v=onepage&q=brian%20jones%20five%20pound%20note&f=false

https://books.google.com/books?id=SnjZCwAAQBAJ&pg=PA112&lpg=PA112&dq=brian+jones+five+pound+note&source=bl&ots=tJhp59sj7C&sig=ACfU3U3tjfdMLOmX8wisSoKI7zWDMgFAkw&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiT8NL66aflAhWVpp4KHU6PAGUQ6AEwEnoECAkQAQ#v=onepage&q=brian%20jones%20five%20pound%20note&f=false

https://londonist.com/london/features/is-dartford-the-most-rock-n-roll-town-in-england

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/1964/03/14/melody-maker-would-you-let-your-sister-go-with-a-rolling-stone/

http://www.criminalelement.com/reich-and-roll-a-degree-of-murder-german-1967-film-movie-murder-cannes-rolling-stones-brian-jones-anita-pallenberg-brian-greene/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/2013/07/06/anna-wohlin-talks-about-brian/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/2005/11/16/anna-wohlin-talks-to-the-independent/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/2005/03/31/dawn-young-interviewed-by-beatzenith-com/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/1968/05/11/child-of-the-moon-promotional-video/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/1981/06/23/suki-potier-passes-away-aged-33/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/1985/12/12/ian-stewart-passes-away-aged-47/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/

https://brianjonestimeline.wordpress.com/1965/09/14/anita-pallenberg-meets-brian-jones-backstage-at-circus-krone/

https://www.crfashionbook.com/celebrity/a22115807/anita-pallenberg-the-rolling-stones-brian-jones-keith-richards/

https://www.theguardian.com/music/2017/jun/14/anita-pallenberg-anything-but-a-passenger-on-the-stones-journey

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/why-anita-pallenberg-rolling-stones-muse-was-queen-of-the-underground-204744/

https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/entertainment/music/sd-et-music-anita-pallenberg-20170613-story.html

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/anita-pallenberg-knew-swinging-sixties/

https://www.alainelkanninterviews.com/anita-pallenberg/

https://www.earcandymag.com/rrcase-brianjones.htm

https://www.theolivepress.es/spain-news/2016/09/20/rolling-stones-guitarist-brian-jones-played-to-gib-monkeys/

https://www.nytimes.com/1994/10/16/books/sex-and-drugs-and-mick-and-keith.html

http://www.angelfire.com/rock3/sixtiesfish/mybrian/briongysin.htm

https://ultimateclassicrock.com/brian-jones-jimi-hendrix/

https://borntolisten.com/2018/01/21/january-21-the-jimi-hendrix-experience-recorded-all-along-the-watchtower-in-1968/

http://www.angelfire.com/rock3/sixtiesfish/1menu.html

http://www.covermesongs.com/2014/03/the-story-behind-jimi-hendrixs-all-along-the-watchtower.html

https://ultimateclassicrock.com/45-years-ago-jimi-hendrix-records-all-along-the-watchtower/

http://www.angelfire.com/rock3/sixtiesfish/mybrian/montereypop.htm

https://borntolisten.com/2018/01/21/january-21-the-jimi-hendrix-experience-recorded-all-along-the-watchtower-in-1968/

https://www.drugs.com/sfx/miltown-side-effects.html

http://drugcentre.org.za/depressants/Mandrax

https://www.healthline.com/health/diazepam-oral-tablet

https://www.earcandymag.com/rrcase-brianjones.htm

https://books.google.com/books?id=Gjb4f0r-w-wC&pg=PA97&lpg=PA97&dq=brian+jones+pleurisy&source=bl&ots=NdTTzPABYY&sig=ACfU3U2YxBHFesJEFGLYfLiky7QV4Ju7BA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjanv3csLPlAhWIr54KHYhgClgQ6AEwF3oECAkQAQ#v=onepage&q=brian%20jones%20pleurisy&f=false

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Black%20Bombers

http://www.drugworld.co.uk/drugs-amphetamine.html

https://nostalgiacentral.com/pop-culture/fads/drugs-in-the-1960s/

https://www.drugs.com/valium.html

https://nostalgiacentral.com/pop-culture/fads/drugs-in-the-1960s/

https://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/allergy-asthma/a7354/piriton-chlorphenamine/#side%20effects

https://tonydagostino.co.uk/history-of-amphetamine-methamphetamine/

http://www.keno.org/rolling_stones/brian_jones_keith_richards.htm

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Stones_in_the_Park

http://977rocks.com/bill-wyman-slams-jagger-richards-for-not-giving-brian-jones-his-due-06232015/

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/keith-richards-on-brian-jones-mick-jagger-and-the-new-memoir-life-52581/

https://www.drugaware.co.za/mandrax.html

27: A History of the 27 Club through the Lives of Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, and Amy Winehouse  by Howard Sounes

Life by Keith Richards

Stone Alone by Bill Wyman

Brian Jones, The Untold Life and Mysterious Death of a Legend by Laura Jackson

Brian Jones: The Making of the Rolling Stones by Paul Trynka

Crossfire Hurricane (2012) dir. Brett Morgen

https://findadeath.com/brian-jones/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Jones

27: Robert Johnson by Chris Salewicz

27: Brian Jones by Chris Salewicz

https://www.thevintagenews.com/2018/01/20/crossroads-robert-johnson/

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1353783/Being-Brian-Joness-son-greatest-thing-happened-me.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rolling_Stones

#27 club #robert johnson #brian jones #blues #rock and roll #rolling stones #mick jagger #keith richards #charlie watts #bill wyman #anita pallenberg #Marianne Faithful #cw: drug abuse #cw: death

[pebblerage]

Whatever Happened to Joanne Russell?

Oh boy, rambling about a character only a select few knows about are we?

So as you probably know, comic book heroes often have a handful of love interests. Batman who have characters like Catwoman, Talia al-Ghoul, Barbara Gordon and justice itself, right? 

Well Jack Ryder/Creeper is an odd case....

If I were to describe Jack Ryder’s (and by extension Creeper’s) love life, I would bluntly say that it freaking sucks. This isn’t too surprising if you look into it, as neither one of them have such a positive reputation with their peers and their questionable behavior may be a turn off. Creeper’s terrible flirting skills doesn't help either, no matter how hard he tries.

So has he ever had a significant other? 

I guess, but they are all pretty much exes. There have been four women in Jack’s life I guess you could call “love interests”. Let’s go through them!

1# Vera Sweet

I’m just gonna say it now. 

Jack and Vera have a very weird relationship.

If you look up profiles of her then there’s a decent chance it will label her as a love interest, like her wikipedia page for example. This is also mentioned on her Comic Vine page but it does also point out the weirdness of it all, as the “love” part did not really become official until the Creeper 2006 mini-series (like almost 40 years after her debut in 1968). There she is established as Jack’s ex-girlfriend.

So what was she prior to that?

Back in Beware the Creeper Vera was more like an obstacle, someone that Jack found annoying and tried to avoid most of the time. Not much of an love interest really, but it is possible that she would've been like Gwen Stacy - starting off disliking Jack but ends up liking him later. Unfortunately, as Beware only lasted six issues, this development never came to pass.

Then there’s also this panel from issue #6

I’m pretty sure that this was added to say “yeah Vera was supposed to be the love interest, but we didn't get that far”.

One amusing thing I noticed about her in this series is hat she is a bit of an attention seeker, doing things for publicity and the like. This is a trait Jack kind of absorbed in some later stories, for better or for worse. 

Anyway, what about after this series? Well she had a small cameo in Brave and the Bold #178 at Jack’s current work place, and the two seemed to be on better terms with each other. Until the end I guess when Jack steals the anchorman job (to expose the bad guy) she wanted. I say “I guess” because we don’t really see her confront Jack about it, only her angry reaction.

Vera has also apparently dropped the whether-girl job she had back in Beware and is a reporter here. Why I don’t know. She also feels a bit...mature(?) when it came to her personality. I can’t explain it but she felt less like a spoiled brat here then in Beware. I’m guessing it is because of her more appropriate reactions and behavior to things.

Next is the Creeper 90′s series and oh boy. This is the series that reveals some very questionable things about their relationship. Like that Vera has apparently stabbed Jack at one point.

When did that happen?! 

Why did that happen?!

Don’t expect Jack to tell because he has no reaction to it. No fill in for the reader, no comment, no nothing! It is like he has no problem with it. Did Creeper’s healing factor cause him to see stab wounds as small potatoes or what? Like a “eh, I’ve been through worse” kind of attitude? On top of that he also mentions later that Vera put him in a body cast for six weeks for calling her “Swetowski”, which is apparently her real last name. How great.

Later after Jack had his shower, he walks out without tying his bathrobe, leaving him completely exposed. Now remember that they weren’t explicitly stated to have been in a relationship in the past until the 2006 reboot, unless you want to see Jack’s “I used to let you borrow my toothbrush” line as proof or something. So Jack is basically walking out naked in front of a previous co-worker, without a care in the world.

Even better. Not only is Jack apparently fine with Vera seeing him nude, it’s not even Vera he meets outside, it’s his shape shifting nemesis Proteus who has taken her form. Even when Jack gets suspicious he still doesn't tie his freaking bathrobe.

I’m not sure what this says about him, but Vera later travels to Paris, leaving her out of the series until issue #10 when she comes home and comments on Jack cleaning the apartment and being polite as him “finally snapping”. Also that kiss on the cheek is the most romantic moment these two have shared so far. How this meeting would have gone if Jack wasn’t under the influence of the “wonder drug” he was taking at the time i have no idea.

So we finally get to the 2006 mini-series, that comic that finally established them as exes, and what caused the break-up?

Cheating! On both fronts even!

Granted they seem to be on a bit better terms here as Vera lightly smacking his cheek is the most violent thing she does to him, something i doubt pre-Infinite crisis Vera “I will put you in a cast” Swetowski would have done if she caught Jack cheating on her.

We also get some scenes with Vera as she admits that she still likes him so its not like she hates the guy or anything. She even gets jealous when she finds red hair in Jack’s apartment, thinking he has a new girlfriend.

The funny thing is that the red hair from that “red headed tramp” she talks about actually belongs to Creeper, or his red boa to be precise.

Unfortunately the same dedication isn’t replicated on Jack’s part, but to be fair he was kind of caught up in a pretty intense situation. Like getting along with Creeper, because it’s “we” now, something Creeper often repeats in this series.

Well as this relationship triangle is looking weirder and weirder its probably best to close this part as Vera sadly hasn't appeared as of late. Most likely because Jack Ryder/Creeper isn't a very prominent character in the DCU, and when either one appears they are usually a supporting character, giving Creeper related characters even less of a chance to show up.

2# Vicki Vale

Maybe Vera worrying about a redhead wasn’t too far off, as in the event Bruce Wayne: The Road Home we learn that Jack and Vicki Vale apparently have been together at some point. When did that relationship take place? Who knows! But they seem to be on pretty decent terms, as Vicki even calls Jack when she has a problem. Jack also calls her “Red”, because that’s the only nickname a redhead is allowed to have in the DCU I guess.

I’m not sure who Jack is referring to here though, but it’s probably Vicki as they’re supposed to talk about journalistic ethnics here and Jack talks like she doesn't care about the people she writes about. Also her reaction may also indicate that Jack’s remark was directed towards her. If that was supposed to indicate that she cheated on him or something i have no clue because unfortunately, the Outsiders issue of this arc is the only time these two interact in a comic so we are still a bit in the dark about them. I’m kind of surprised that they haven’t interacted more often as they are Gotham’s most prominent reporters after all.

3# “Furious” Fran Daye

To be honest, I was a bit conflicted about including Fran here as she was basically just a Vera replacement during the World’s Finest comics Steve Ditko made during the 1970s, Fran’s debut year being in 1978 with World’s Finest #249, but if Comic Vine feels the need to call her a love interest I guess that leaves me with no choice.

Like Fran’s Comic Vine page says, her and Jack’s relationship is pretty much just a role-reversal of Jack and Vera’s relationship, especially the one they had back in Beware the Creeper. Instead of Vera annoying Jack, it’s Jack annoying Fran, mostly by being a troll. 

Unless I missed something, I picked up little to no romantic tension between them. Unless you go with the “the boy shows that he likes the girl by being a dick to her” or the “main guy hooks up with the main girl”  logic they don’t appear to love each other at all. They’re more like rivals and it sure is intense as Jack often drags Fran into his antics when he tries to catch the villain of the week, something Fran often complains about. Also, thanks to Ditko’s art style she often looks like she wants Ryder dead or something.

As Fran sticks to these World’s Finest stories we haven't heard from her since, actually making me believe that Fran kind of got absorbed into Vera Sweet’s character as the two where kind of similar. This could also explain Vera’s personality shift from spoiled brat to lady with buttons you don’t want to push.

#4 Joanne Russell

Well here it is! The main course of this thing. That one that this is named after. So who is Joanne Russell? 

Well we can start by going through her introduction in Adventure Comics #445 from 1976. 

It’s a pretty simple story about Jack trying to solve some kind of murder story occurring in “Humboldt Institute”, with Ms. Russell being one of the victims there. We learn that she works as a physical therapist and that she is paralyzed waist down after a very strange car accident. We also learn some other stuff, but let’s save that for now.

Jack jumps the gun after a interview and declares it to be a murder case to boost ratings. This upsets Ryder’s boss who tells him to find evidence for his claim or the hospital will sue him. It especially doesn’t help when his boss later tells him find evidence that can pin-point the Creeper as the culprit - because everyone hates Creeper, you see.

Since he is the main character it turns out he was right, and that a strange robot, with the very threatening name “Manfred”, is actually wandering around killing people, and Joanne seems to be a special target. 

As the story progresses, it turns out one of Joanne’s colleges named Vernon Maddox is the creator of Manfred, and has telekinetic powers which is how he controls the robot.  

Why does he want Joanne dead? Well he doesn’t really, but his subconscious has other plans and commands the robot to kill Joanne while he’s sleeping.

After that the story goes pretty straight forward and it’s just Jack trying to keep Joanne safe from Manfred. But then we come to the ending.

Joanne learns that she too has telekinetic powers, and with that, she regains the ability to walk and that is how Manfred gets defeated. She and Creeper walk into the sunset or whatever, the end. During the course of the last part Joanne managed to figure out Jack’s secret identity, but she promises to keep it a secret.

But what is that?

You can interpret this in a few ways i’m sure, but to me it sounds like DC wanted people to write if they wanted Creeper to have a love interest or not. If we say that was the intention, then oh boy, the idea of Creeper having an significant other must have sparked some kind of uproar or something, because Joanne’s very next appearance in World’s Finest Comics #252 (1978) begins like this.

The sucky part is that Jack gets over it really quickly, just swears revenge by finding her killer (which turns out to be her assistant), and that’s pretty much it! Never mentioned again! 

But for real though, what the hell really happened here? I doubt I can solve this mystery, but I can offer you some speculations I have about this (because I have no life) and let you come to a conclusion yourself.

So I did take a look at the letters that came in subsequent issues of Adventure Comics to see if someone expressed some kind of dislike for Joanne. I don’t think I saw any, but I did notice some people not being too keen on the story itself for various reasons. Not to say it got no praise in these letters or anything, I’d say it was about 50/50, but still.

This message outright states that the story didn’t do so well..

Maybe that’s why Joanne got the axe? Because she was associated with a story that got a mixed reception? I dunno, that sounds kind of stupid to me, but the comic book industry chooses to do some dumb stuff a lot sometimes so what do I know.

Anyway, what about another suggestion? So the Adventure Comics three-parter was written by Martin Pasko, while the World’s Finest Comic stories were written by Creeper’s creator Steve Ditko. Maybe he didn’t want Creeper to have a love interest so that’s why he killed her off? 

According to this letter, Ditko is pretty speedy when it comes to writing. Maybe that resulted in him not realizing that Jack and Joanne where supposed to be a bit closer then how he portrayed it as? Because he didn’t do a full background check on Joanne, he thought she just was some random character who just happened to know about Creeper’s true identity so he thought “Oh I can write a murder story about this!” or something? And because he was the creator of Creeper, DC just let him kill her?

So we have five possibilities.

DC getting a bunch of angry letters from people who hated the idea of Creeper having a significant is still on the table. If they got them, I doubt DC would’ve actually added such messages to the comic’s letterers page.

The mixed reception of her introductory story got her axed.

Mr. Dikto didn’t like her/the idea of Creeper having a love interest he didn’t create, so he killed her to end a possible relationship.

Ditko didn’t get the memo so he thought Joanne was some throwaway character he could use in a murder mystery story. 

DC just kind of lost interest in it and dropped the relationship.

Whatever the reason was, it certainly effected The Creeper later as he never has had a present-day love interest ever again after this. Seriously, all the previous ladies are all his exes - none are in a relationship with Jack in present-day but Joanne (sort of). It’s like DC established some kind of “no-love-interest for-Creeper-clause”. All Jack is allowed to have are exes and that’s it! Also, because all of these stories mainly takes place before Creeper became his own persona (which is why I used both Creeper and Jack’s names a bit interchangeably here), you can actually make the argument that Creeper has no love life at all. All of the exes, plus Joanne, only really interact with Jack and when Joanne was with Creeper, it was still technically Jack because Creeper didn’t officially split from Jack until the 2006 series. And even then, Creeper didn’t talk or interact with Vera in that one, Jack did. The closest we got of Creeper having a love interest was when he went after Harley Quinn in BTAS, but that sure didn’t carry over to the comics where the two haven’t even officially met each other. 

There is Serene, but I doubt  people are going to counts her as a “love interest” for special reasons. Does Maxima count as a Superman love interest? She is probably the closest equivalent I can think of, but I’m not very good at the Superman mythos. 

Anyway, I thought Joanne had the potential to be pretty interesting supporting character if given some time to develop, and could’ve been a fun love interest to Jack. Even if her being his girlfriend maybe didn’t sound so hot for some people, couldn’t she at least have been his friend or something? I think Jack and Creeper could use some because they barely have any. The fact she is rarely ever mentioned makes me kind of sad because I did kind of want to see more of her, but it’s highly unlikely DC remembers her when Creeper himself doesn’t get the spotlight very often.  

I have probably spent too much time on this.

#dc comics #the creeper #jack ryder #joanne russell #Vera Sweet #Vicki Vale #Fran Daye #too many characters to tag #my thoughts #rambles #excuse my writing style #english isn't my first language #this took way too long

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ do you love me?

date: early 2019.

location: n/a.

word count: 2,048 words not including lyrics.

summary: n/a.

notes: creative claims verification for do you love me. no, i didn’t proofread or reformat this so i’m sure there’s mistakes aplenty.

“do you love me” comes after “free somebody” has already been sold off to gold star with an unclear future. it also happens to come early in the process of ash feeling the pressure to learn to write sexier music on demand instead of incidentally, so that he can fit into the image bc seems to be pushing him toward for his next album without sacrificing his control in the creative process.

he has no idea that the song will end up on the same album with “free somebody” that summer at the time of writing it. their genres of retro-inspired pop and alternative r&b and the process they go through from beginning to end aren’t close enough for him to consider that thought, but when he finds out a couple of months later, it will feel fitting in some broad, existentialist way ⁠— a way of thinking ash is admittedly highly prone to when it comes to music. the thing is that they’re both a challenge for him in different ways, but “do you love me” is well within his comfort zone and it comes into existence with ash less self-aware of its challenges. “do you love me” wouldn’t sound too off on his last album or among the other music he works on while the song sits unfinished with all of his other endless drafts of songs, but that doesn’t change how much he likes the song once he finishes it. he approaches all of his music with a self-critical eye, of course, but he can acknowledge when he likes something he’s made, even if he still sees all of the flaws he believes a better writer and producer would have improved on.

this time, the song’s concept and themes aren’t something passed down as a commission from bc’s a&r department, but are part of a personal project to better himself. he just wants to make a song he enjoys again and doesn’t doubts so much while making. it’s after the release of his “swim good” bc portal collab with sohee but before the release of “fantasy” and “lust” on candy’s mini-album that ash first creates his file for what will become “do you love me”.

it’s a cold late winter seoul day. the air from outside turns ash’s nose red and as soon as he’s inside the studio and sheds his coat, he curls in on himself in the studio chair. the bc studios aren’t the most comfortable places in the world with the knowledge that none of them are his in any true capacity beyond the hours he occupies them and other producers come in and out during the day, never leaving everything in quite the same place he’d left them even if he’d been there only the night before.

but that’s okay. he tells himself he’ll have a studio of his own soon. he’ll have earned it by then. all he has to do is keep working and he’ll have that studio of his own in a few months. he hopes. if no one in knight fucks up again. but their track record for not fucking up is admittedly not the best, his own in particular, so he never lets himself think on the realisstic odds of that for too long.

ash logs in to the computer and opens up cubase and his numerous files of unfinished and abandoned works. his phone is cradled in his lap as he consults old memos and notes to see if anything sparks inspiration in him today. there’s file after file of forgotten half-lyrics and messy, hummed melodies that had come to him at inconvenient times ⁠— on the van ride to a schedule or right before a meeting with management or on a water break in the middle of dance practice with the rest of the group. many of the clips fall short of pure genius, but he’d read many years ago, when he’d still been a novice in songwriting by most considerations, that he should save every idea he has because it was impossible to tell when one might be the exact snippet he needs. ever since, he’s done so dutifully, his dedication to this particular subset of his craft one of the few things he can confidently say he likes about himself.

there’s a few ideas he taps on through the touch screen and listens to that he mentally notes to come back to, but it’s when he lands on an older clip he remembers recording when his main focus had been on songs for his own album (causing other ideas to be thrown to the wayside until he could spare time for them) that he thinks he’s found something he can really work with. it’s not too long, the digits underneath the voice memo reading about fifteen seconds in total, but upon hearing himself sing the melody and lyrics he’d all but forgotten about, he starts to see and hear ideas for how it can be fleshed out and built upon, a surefire sign that this might be something good. or something promising, at the very least. it wasn’t enough to be good yet, so he shouldn’t get ahead of himself.

“do you love me? are you feeling me?” his own voice sings to him from his phone, the english beginning of the phrase sliding smoothly into the korean of the second half. the next line is vocalizations mixing actual korean words and unintelligible sounds. he clearly hadn’t had the time to come up with the rest of the lines to accompany the melody in his head when he’d recorded the voice memo, and that isn’t anything new. his brain has become more and more wired to being a twenty-four-seven songwriter, but that doesn’t mean perfect lyrics pop into his head to accompany any random melody that runs through it. life would be better if that was the case, but unfortunately, ash had yet to achieve the precision and reliability of a songwriting robot (though, he considers, bc would surely love it if he was so easily programmable to pump out pop perfection). your in korean is the only actual word he can make out in the second line, but the third line is much clearer. it’s an obvious spin off of the first line, even if he can tell he wasn’t sure about the ending at the time: “i’m feeling you,” there’s hesitation in his voice on the recording but ash likes the way the line flows anyway, “my babe.”

eager to get started with the gem he’s found, he moves to transpose the basic melodic line into cubase on the digital piano hooked up to the computer, then pulls out the pop filtered microphone to lay his own vocals over it to work with. he doesn’t get into full recording artist mode because he knows these won’t be the final vocals on the track, but he has a vision already of how the vocals and instrumental will intertwine in a close, intimate way and he doesn’t want to wait until later in the process to start to tie that in. he plays around with what could go in place of the previously unspecified middle line before he settles on something he feels sets the proper mood for the rest of this song. it ties the bookends of the first and third line together more naturally than any of the other ideas he comes up with. he’s decided he wants to turn this into a fully fledged track already and his brain has already switched over all of the concentration he can manage with that in mind.

he spends the rest of that night on the same song without bothering to even pull up any of the others he’s been working on (despite their impending deadlines), expanding the composition on either end of the tiny snippet he’d started with. it fits nicely into the category of the alternative r&b genr, and ash finds himself more sure of where the songs going once he discovers its fleshing out well within his area of past experience. it’s not too different from songs he’d already released like “dive” and “daydream”, and the trap beats underneath fall into place because of that, part conditioned instinct thanks to the fondness he’s grown to have for how accented punctuation can sound under smooth, silky synths and vocals.

it takes a few weeks for his work to form into a real song because he eventually has to focus on other work that has a deadline or that other producers are depending on him to contribute his time to. or, more accurately, tracks which he’s depending on them to let him contribute his time to. any of them could surely finish it on their own, but ash ghosting on them because of some track of his own becoming his white whale obsession wouldn’t be a good look if he wants to keep working with them.

the rest of the lyrics continue to form as the track becomes more full. he isn’t sure of the context of the original lines at first other than being a part of something romantic and tonally sensual, but after the usual trial and error, he settles into crafting a lyrical story befitting of the song. much like he wants the vocals to weave seamlessly with the instrumental, he wants to lyrics to match the atmosphere the song sets. like the music ebbs and flows, so does the tale the lyrics tell ⁠— an intimate push and pull that leads to the repetition of “do you love me?” and “tell me how you feel”. it’s an emotion ash is all too familiar with, the question of reciprocated feelings and the tension of reading into every word and every mood, so it comes easily as he forces himself to recall what it feels like.

he’s been on the side of elation to discover the object of his affections does love him just as he’s been on the side of dejectedness to realize they don’t feel the same. that need to know is what ash keeps in mind. he doesn’t really want to dwell on the latter emotion

it’s late in the process that ash gets the idea for the song to have two vocals, a more prominent voice that’s likely to be female and an accompanying one that’s likely to be male. he’s not married to the genders of them, but the song is too explicitly instrumental for ash to fool himself into thinking that if it ends up in someone’s hands for actual release one day, it’d be made into a same-sex duet in this industry.

ash brings in one of bc’s female producers to help him record the final demo track and he manages to find a buyer in the form of gold star media again. he doesn’t expect to hear from the company about the song so soon, or at all, but when he hears they’re planning to put it on cherry’s debut solo album, he can only hide his excitement for the sake of professionalism. once the real vocals are laid down, he’s put in charge of finalizing the production to be album ready before it’s sent off for final mixing and mastering and he pushes aside his other projects to focus on the track fully again. there’s something about the song that continues to demand his full attention when it’s in front of him, like a favored child.

there isn’t much he changes about the production now that it has artists on it who will be presenting it to the world, but he keeps in mind the intricacies of cherry’s voice and her delivery, uno’s too, and how they differ from his own and the female producers. he’s had some distance from the initial production now, so he alters small parts he’s had more time to think on, but not enough that he’ll be giving a different song back to gold star.

despite his hectic schedules, he puts the finishing touches of what he’s responsible for on the song ahead of schedule instead of pushing the deadline like he usually does, but some way part of the way through, this song had become easy for him. easy, but not boring, and it doesn’t make him any less satisfied with the final product.

#fmdverification #&& queued

[matt-joseph-diaz-blog]

I’m so disappointed in what’s happening with mainstream body positivity.

There’s almost no way this won’t sound at least partly like the ravings of a twenty-something who’s salty that their instagram following seems to be in decline, but I want you to stick with me here.

I’ve been a part of the body positive movement for a few years now. After going viral in 2015 for making a video where I revealed the excess skin I had from losing nearly 300 pounds, I became a writer, public speaker and social media advocate for the importance of positive body image.

I’ve spoken at colleges and conferences all over the country, written pieces for multiple websites, met body positive advocates far more famous than me, and even spoke at an event for Seventeen Magazine at instagram headquarters.

Now, I need to make this clear: I still believe in the tenants and ideals of body positivity; more than ever in fact. What worries me is the direction the bopo movement is taking in the pursuit of public acceptance.

Like most radical ideologies that go mainstream, it had to be introduced in a more “approachable” form.

So this is something that really can’t be helped. When introducing an idea that completely opposes long held societal beliefs, you really have no choice other than to introduce it in a way “average people (typically meaning the type of person so unaffected by the issue that they have no knowledge of it)” will find palatable.

Obviously I’m writing pretty off-the-cuff here so I’m reaching for examples, but ones that come to mind are stuff like the original debut of Queer Eye, Will & Grace and RuPaul painting specific pictures of the queer community while introducing them as something the Straights™️ could be mostly comfortable with.

Rarely is this a conscious decision. Mainstream society lifts up the individuals and causes it finds different and powerful without being too challenging. Try and force the world to accept something too different, and it becomes offensive.

So what does this look like in the body positive movement?

I remember working at one of the biggest photo retouching companies in NYC during the early 2010s, when we first discovered that one of our clients, Aerie, would no longer be retouching the models in their lingerie ads.

This is indisputably a wonderful thing, and I hope it has inspired other companies to do the same thing. But while Aerie chose to forgo retouching its plus sized supermodels, they were, in fact, supermodels. The net was cast a bit wider, but these plus sized models still checked off a lot of the boxes we associate with the problematic societal beauty standard: all cis women, all “conventionally attractive,” and nearly entirely white.

This is what concerns me.

As someone who follows and is followed by a lot of prominent members of the bopo movement my instagram suggestions are littered with bopo accounts with hundreds of thousands of followers; and time and time again these popular accounts are professional models, cis, white, female and almost entirely plus sized by definition of how it’s seen in pop culture: meaning mostly thin with hips and breasts and ass.

Now, these bodies are just as valid as any other and deserve their time in the sun and to be celebrated. That isn’t up for debate. However, what appears to be happening is that an idea started as a a radical breaking of chains imposed on us by society has been morphed by popular culture into a shift of what we see as “acceptable.”

Basically, what started out as an attempt to dissolve the beauty standard has been turned into merely changing what the beauty standard is. That’s a problem.

There are so few men in the body positive movement.

There are a lot of reasons for this: Beauty standards are by and large more imposing and pressuring for women than men, toxic masculinity doesn’t allow for the vulnerability necessary to be part of the bopo movement, etc. However, if roughly half the population doesn’t step the fuck up and garner attention when they do, a massive aspect of the movement is never going to be acknowledged.

At the end of 2015 I was named one of the top 7 men to follow in the body positive movement by the wonderful Jes Baker, when I’d been an advocate for less than 9 months. Whenever I mention this I always joke that “it was a top 7 because they couldn’t find 10 men involved in the movement,” and it always rings a little true.

The body positive movement in mainstream media is overwhelmingly white.

...I really don’t have a great answer for this. There’s a lot of fucking white people, and if there’s one thing white people love, it’s other white people.

That isn’t for lack of trying, either. The bopo movement is rife with POCs that are celebrating their bodies and trying to empower others, but they get nowhere near the attention of the overwhelming number of whites. The racism inherent in our beauty standards already continue to hold true when moving into the bopo movement.

As a male-presenting latinx in the body positive movement, I don’t know if I’ve ever met another member of the community with even my low degree of online attention that checks both those boxes.

The trans/nb community mostly lacks representation in bopo as well.

This is similar to the issue of non-whiteness in body positivity. We already underrepresent those who aren’t cis in mainstream media, and when we do it’s either to commend how you can’t clearl tell that they aren’t cis, or to celebrate how “brave they are” for celebrating their own beauty despite how freakish society may continue to believe they look.

“Plus-sized” vs Fatness in bopo.

I’ve touched on this a bit already, but in the pursuit of making body positivity approachable it feels like “body positive” has come to mean “curvy, but definitely not fat” in a way that’s as toxic as it is ridiculous.

There have been times when I and people who have reached out to me have told me that they don’t feel like they fit into the body positive movement because they aren’t curvy enough. Body positivity doesn’t mean “hips, chest, but no stomach” in the way it’s so disproportionately portrayed, and “fat” isn’t a dirty word. Curvy people deserve to be body positive, and so do fat people, thin people, and everyone else on the spectrum.

That’s kind of the entire fucking point. You deserve to feel confident in your body, no matter what form it takes.

So, what do we do about it?

In early 2017, I was invited to visit Instagram headquarters to speak on a panel for the National Eating Disorder Association and Seventeen Magazine about the importance of body diversity. I was a last minute addition- I wasn’t invited until the week before the event.

It was a really cool opportunity and I was so honored to be a part of it. However, of the five people in the panel, I was the only one who wasn’t a mostly thin, white, cis woman.

A panel on the importance of body diversity. Five thin pretty white women and me, 6’5” lumbering queer male presenting nonbinary giant, Matt Diaz.

...I...

...fucking...

...what?

During the panel I was asked what I think is the most important thing we can do for the sake of body diversity. There was a group of college students that were invited to the event sitting in the front two row, and they were entirely people of color. And I know there’s no way I was this poetic off the cuff, but I remember saying something akin to:

“Stop waiting for someone to make you feel comfortable enough to be yourself. Be who you are, and force the rest of the world to catch up.”

Nobody is going to suddenly decide that we’re worth seeing. You’re basically going to have to drag people kicking and screaming into accepting you, and that fight has to become a key aspect of who you are.

If you plan on waiting until you see a prevalent body positive Instagram or tumblr user who looks like you before you express your own body positivity, you’re going to be waiting for the rest of your life.

Be that inspiration for someone else. Tell the world that you’re here and demand to be seen. Embrace and celebrate the people you see who deviate from the norm; promote them, talk about them, reblog them, and tell them how proud you are of them.

This is definitely starting to sound like I’m just trying to promote my own Instagram and shit (@mattjosephdiaz) but in all honesty, I don’t care if you don’t decide to follow me. I just want to leave you with something it took me too long to understand.

Your success in the body positive movement will never be about how many followers you get, or how many people tell you that you’ve changed their lives. Your success in this movement comes from learning to love yourself in every form you might take.

Sometimes, the only persons life you change is your own, and that’s more than enough.

#body positive #body postivity #body positive models #bopo #bopowarrior #boporevolution #bopofitsall #bopogoals #positive body image #body image #body shaming #body shame #positive self image #self image #self love #mental health

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WHAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ABOUT ENGINE

Most smart high school kids is that adults realize they need to get as much growth as you can in school, you're surrounded by potential cofounders. 5 who've influenced me, not people who would be good to program in today. They try to convince with their pitch.1 I'm not optimistic about filters that work at the network level.2 The main complaint of the more powerful sororities at your school, approach the queen bees thereof and offer to be their personal IT consultants, building anything they could imagine needing in their social lives that didn't already exist, it would create a self-indulgent would not be far from failures by ordinary standards. What was special about Brian Chesky and Joe Gebbia was not that they were just like us, they sometimes describe it as a child, that if you can talk about it.3 99 and. The novels and etiquette manuals of that period—and yet not do as good work, what you have to understand it, which means they make things people want, and you don't have to be introduced to a whole bunch of other VCs who are all about to give you advice that surprises you. This class of library functions; anything that gets you those 10,000, whichever is greater.

But guys like Ed Roberts, who designed the Altair, Bill Gates was writing something he would use, as were Larry and Sergey.4 Of the two, the hacker's opinion is the one you choose will improve; another that seems conceptually adjacent might not. Then a few adults can watch all of them perhaps, but should spend their time thinking about how to mitigate its consequences.5 This, as we did, using a desktop computer, and there will probably always remain some residual demand for conventional drama, where you either have to make a better search engine than Google. Of course, if you can choose when you raise money at phase 2. This includes mere conventions, like languages and safe combinations, and also did all the legal work of getting personal introductions. Civil War were.6 7636 free 0. Have multiple plans. I tried pressing some buttons I thought would cause it to get you to spend too much, partly because the stresses are so much higher now that if you pushed this idea further than anyone had before.

It was the people they can get the most done. But I can think of possibilities that shock even me, with my conscientiously broadened mind.7 And so American software and movies, because that's the only one. I couldn't think of the Italian word for success. I suppose Apple has a third misconception: that all these trends are leading. Perhaps one reason people believe startup founders win by being smarter is that intelligence is the most important predictor of success.8 Why do you use?9 What would happen if they diverged to see the underlying reality, the more prominent the angel, the less you can predict fairly accurately what the next step, which is low to them.10 You'd think simple would be the first to grow up rich or even upper middle class values; it has about the same time. Instead of relying on their own, and with them your income.

But hacking can certainly be too succinct.11 People only tend to use whatever language everyone else is crazy. Well, this seems a grim view of the future? The danger here is that great things happen to your competitors but not to tell them the best way not to seem desperate is not to say you should seek out ideas that are up-front capital intensive to founders with established reputations. Perhaps the most important thing about a car is the image it projects. As one VC told me: The numbers for me ended up being cast as a struggle to preserve the power of that force. The kids in this tribe wore black concert t-shirts and were called freaks. Isn't the pointy-headed academics, and another who'd spent the same time. The reason the spammers use the kinds of things people want, and that's why hackers like it.

The optimum is not the way Apple had under Steve Jobs.12 Fortunately for him, leaving all his time on it and neglected his studies, he was out of place. But there are things you can tell, the founders only have to predict a twentieth as well.13 Many of the nastiest problems you see in technology. Don't let that deter you.14 They won't be replaced wholesale. You don't build a chat app for teenagers unless you're also a teenager. They're way more dangerous than a physical one.15 It was a mystery he was trying to be a luxury item?

So if you're ready to fight to the death. It has come about mostly by default. The way to win is in deciding what counts as news. Whereas there is a common thread.16 In 2004 it was ridiculous that Harvard undergrads were still using a Facebook printed on paper. I left high school I was still trying to understand its implications. 7 1. They know their audience. The buildings are old though increasingly they are being torn down and replaced with generic McMansions and the trees are tall.17 Customers don't care how hard you have to design what the user needs, who is this for and what do they have to sell it is a byword for impossibility. If that makes you much more about alliances.18 MIT they were writing about symbolism; now they're writing about gender.

Though we initially did this out of self-preservation.19 Big companies also lose because they usually have a fairly informal atmosphere, and not dying is certainly something we want to keep the pressure on an investor you're comfortable with losing, because some of the questions I was trying to make a better search engine than Google. I was saying as well. Not well, perhaps, but well enough.20 But what does that really mean?21 But it may not even be the majority.22 Actually they have a significant effect on our returns, and one kind that's called into being to commercialize a scientific discovery.23 At the other extreme: a startup that benefited from turning off this filter, and a few places being sprayed with the antidote. We're more patient.

You will find that advice almost impossible to follow, so hot will be the first time they raised money after Y Combinator at premoney valuations of $4 million and $2. Intel and Microsoft stickers that come on some laptops. In other words, is someone who concentrates on substance.24 Even as recently as a few decades before. But I think the top schools, I'd guess as many as a quarter of the CS majors could make it as startup founders if they wanted, when they release more code. My E-Commerce Web Site, that's spam. Would the transplanted startups survive? What's tedious or annoying, particularly in the earliest phase they tend to peter out. You can change anything about a house except where it is because their company made money from it, and have responded by putting their stuff, grudgingly, to see what focus overlooks. 6 shrieking tower servers. Labor unions were exempted from antitrust laws by the Clayton Antitrust Act in 1914 on the grounds that it would be hard not to let it go to your head.25 Graduation is a bureaucratic change, not a service business.

Notes

But that is actually from the study. And while it makes sense to exclude outliers from some types of applicants—for example, probably did more drugs in his early twenties.

If you're good you'll have no way of calculating real income, which you are unimportant.

But there are certain qualities that help in deciding between success and failure, just try to get only in startups. Which implies a surprising but apparently inevitable consequence: little liberal arts. If you're good you'll have to be obscure; they just don't make an effort to be a hot startup.

There are successful women who don't, working twice as much difference to a later Demo Day pitch, the first scientist. The original Internet forums were not web sites but Usenet newsgroups.

Acquirers can be useful in solving problems too, e. It's common for founders to do it well enough known that people get older or otherwise lose their energy, they made much of the first year or so, even if the fix is at fault, since that was basically useless, but I have omitted one type: artists trained to paint from life using the same trick of enriching himself at the bottom of a business, having sold all my shares earlier this year. So if you saw Jessica at a large chunk of this type of thing.

There's not much to suggest that we wouldn't have the determination myself. Currently we do at least on me; how can anything regressive be good?

There's nothing specifically white about such customs. That's why startups always pay equity rather than giving grants.

Except text editors and compilers. When Harvard kicks undergrads out for a solution, and as a predictor of low quality though. The golden age of tax avoidance. If they're dealing with recent art, why did it.

The New Industrial State to trying to sell them technology. Looking at the mercy of investors caring either. The facts about Apple's early history are from an eager investor, lest that set an impossibly high target when raising additional money.

However bad your classes, you now get to profitability, you can't help associating it with superficial decorations. The threshold may be the next year or two, and it has to their software that was the season Dallas premiered. Many people feel good. I'd use to make a country with a neologism.

It is the stupid filter, which is not just for her but for the same energy and honesty that fifteenth century artists did, but the number of words: I once explained this to realize that. You have to resort to raising money from good investors that they lived in a time, is this someone you want to turn into other forms of inequality, and they unanimously said yes. Html.

When an investor derives mostly from the rule of law per se but from which I deliberately pander to readers, though I think it is very polite and b success depended so much that they're starting petitions to save money, in 1962. Few consciously realize that in the life of a company selling soybean oil or butter n yellow onions other fresh vegetables to a bunch of adults had been transposed into your bodies. Again, hard to judge for yourself and that injustice is what people actually paid. But you can't or don't want to pound that message home.

It should be taken into account, they made much of the most successful founders is that they don't, but whether it's good, but he doesn't remember which. Otherwise they'll continue to maltreat people who get rich by preserving their traditional culture; maybe people in any field. It's sometimes argued that kids who went to school.

The golden age of tax avoidance. Don't believe a domain where you wanted to start a startup, but most neighborhoods successfully resisted them. You could probably improve filter performance by incorporating prior probabilities.

I had a big brand advantage over the details. For example, would probably only improve filtering rates early on. When I was as much what other people.

IBM seemed a lot of money. Investors influence one another indirectly through the window for years before Apple finally moved the door.

Suppose YouTube's founders had gone to Google in 2005 and told them Google Video is badly designed. His theory was that professionalism had replaced money as a first approximation, it's usually best to pick a date, because the books we now call the market.

Presumably it's lower now because of that.

The IBM 704 CPU was about bands.

Chop onions and other vegetables and fry in oil, over fairly low heat, till onions are glassy. The Wouldbegoods. There is not to: if he were a variety called Red Delicious that had other meanings.

6% of the statistics they consider are useful, how could I get the people they want.

When Harvard kicks undergrads out for doing it with. In fact the decade preceding the war, federal tax receipts as a first approximation, it's easy to believe this much. Survey by Forrester Research reported in the sample might be interested to hear about the details. One YC founder told me they like the one hand they take away with dropping Java in the category of people who did it.

There can be compared, per capita income.

Whoever fed the style section reporter this story about suits coming back would have seemed shocking for a startup.

Hypothesis: A company will be pressuring you to stop raising money from existing customers. Convertible debt can be and still provide a better story for an investor seems very interested in graphic design, Byrne's Euclid.

#automatically generated text #Markov chains #Paul Graham #Python #Patrick Mooney #gender #investor #step #academics #Bill #simple #women #view #byword #readers #Euclid #neologism #implications #trends #YouTube #lot #words #sup #technology #Demo #door #brand #Red #founder #type

[archer3-13]

Gundam Seed Destiny Watch Notes

episode 1

- strong opening sequence both in terms of tension and emotional weight. it works because it pulls the audience away from the rather nonsensical and incoherent battle of orb into shinns immediate perspective.

- to sort of summarize its emotional impact, i feel more for shinn in that 3.5 minutes then i ever felt for kira or athrun as characters during all of seed.

- that’s hyperbole, but to get more specific consider how each character is introduced to us the audience [in the original broadcasts]:

-in gundam seed destiny, were thrust into the chaos and confusion of a battle. For those familiar with seed they’ll recognize this as the battle for orb, for those not however it’s a good immersion tool to connect us with the emotions of our focus character for the flashback shinn. Things are confusing, panicked, theres an attempt at evacuation but its clearly last minute and disorganized, battles raging and orbs on the backfoot. Shinn and his family are evacuating, civilian cloths, and well shinns the most obviously important one by value of his face hes dressed in mundane enough clothing to blend in with the earflap beanie being ridiculous enough to make him look more mundane [in my opinion]. His sister loses her retro cutting edge flip phone, and childishly refuses to go forward without it. Shes scared, shes young, everyone’s scared, and shinn in the heat of the moment runs to get it. And by shear coincidence and chance, that gets him out of the blast zone, the camera cuts leaving it ambiguous as to who fired the killing shot. It's impact is clear though, shinns beanie is thrown off his head as he struggles both in physical and emotional pain to take in the sight of his dead family and its not a pretty sight lingering long enough to atleast convey the sense of the images burning themselves in shinns head and definitely long enough to leave people uncomfortable. Shinns dad is crushed by a tree, his moms been seemingly torn apart likely by debris, shinns sister likewise has been shredded, her cut off hand having lured shinn to the gruesome sight to begin with. The battling mobile suits catch his attention, sorrow turns to rage and is swallowed by grief, and shinn torn between despair and newfound hatred simply gives up and wails in agony.

- in gundam seed we are introduced to athrun and kira through the opening theme animation in a still shot. The next time we see them in that animation athruns posing in a military powerpoint following his squad, and kiras cosmic naked with lacus on some ethereal plain. Ahtrun follows up with a confrontational still with cagalli backed by fire. Kira gets a group shot at the front of the archangel crew. Kira later still gets some random ass slightly sexual shot of a mobile suit exploding with a naked holographic lacus convulsing like shes having an orgasm as he looks on stoically, and later finally ends with a shot of kira looking up stoically as the strike goes through its launch animation.

- now, I suppose the immediate counter argument to that would be “hey, asshole, isn’t comparing an anime opening animation to a full on flashback sequence an unfair comparison? We all know anime ops are notoriously style over substance”. and my own answer to that would be “no, its not an unfair comparison because ops still tell us things through visual communication and most other anime these days and shows in general [of any quality anyways] are smart enough to lay down character groundwork before smash cutting to the theme song”.

- to go for a more grounded comparison that illustrates what I mean, lets go back to the original gundam in 79. The original gundam opened right out the gate with the theme song and op animation, no canned narration no nothing just bam, title song. Gundam seed opens with an admittedly effective shot of ginns descending down to earth as the zaft pilots steel themselves for war against the earth, which smoothly transitions into seeds canned narration about the war and how its supposedly speedy conclusion has been dragged out for 11 months. Then seed hits us with the op animation. And yet I would argue 79 has the more effective first foot by smashing immediately to the opening. Why?

- Aside from the 79 theme song itself being [arguably] superior to seeds first op song in every conceivable way, id say its communication. 79’s op is uncomplicated, simple and direct. Whats the gimmick? Giant robots, whos the hero guy? This kid whos shooting a gun and giving a thumbs up in the aircraft thing man he looks brave, supporting cast we should know? These idiots and some other robots look at em go, whats the conflict? These green guys with a prominent lead red guy they look mean, whats the heroes relation to his supporting cast? The supporting light and center of things good to know, heres a closing shot of the gundam look at it go, I hope that you got that its name is gundam. Its arguably deceptively optimistic for the shows actual content, but it works in forming an immediate emotional connection to amuro as the guy were suppose to root for which is good considering how he is in early episodes [an understandably frustrated teen, but hes very intentionally written to be aggravating at times so that immediate positive connection is good at keeping the audience grounded with him]. Its only then when we have our connection to the protagonist that we move into the brief canned narration. And certainly its not essential to introduce your protagonist first, star wars a new hope gets away with introducing luke like ten minutes into the thing. But it helps that lukes suppose to be something of a dark horse, the unexpected wrench from humble origins in the empires plan.

- by comparison we open seed with narration that takes twice as long to convey the same amount of information 0079 gets out in under a minute, and the opening itself is a lot more scattered and nonsensical, trying to convey a lot more then 0079s own opening. Whats the concept? Giant robots cool, whos the main character? Maybe these two guys, one of thems closer to the front then the other so I guess him, but also these people are probably important too? Whos are supporting cast then, this gaggle of clowns I guess but aside from the jerseys who tf knows what their relation is to maybe protagonist man? Whos the enemy? The guys in the different coloured jerseys presumably, they keep trying to blow up main protagonist man atleast so probably them? Whats the protagonists relation to the supporting cast? No fucking idea outside of being the main one of them, but hey atleast we know pink haired lady and main guy are going to probably fuck. That’s not to say no information is conveyed, athrun and kira are successfully established as a pair that parallel each other, muru and raru [the antagonist of seed] are established in a similar manner or atleast connected, as are natarale and that lady who commands the archangel ship whos name I never remember. We know who correlates with which gundam of athruns crew as they pose for mens magazine, and who pilots what in general. We know flay’s sad. But again, the problem is that its seeds first foot forward and for the most part it’s a confusing if flashy mess with only some vague generalities on the setting being conveyed through canned narration and the most important info from the opening seemingly being that kira and lacus are gonna fuck considering how much time they spend hovering around it. And even that turns out to not be the case.

- which brings me back to seed destiny and why it did the overall better job with its first foot. It brings us into shinns character first and foremost and it establishes both a lot of directions shinn could go as a character well introducing us to him at a very vulnerable moment emotionally. At the very least it conveys to us that survivors guilt and anger are going to be two big things shinn grapples with as a character, all well using pretty much only visual cues, sound cues, and minimal dialogue which better sells the intimacy of the vulnerability.

- but, I might still hear you say, its not a fair comparison anyways because your comparing apples to oranges, ops to private moments of grief. And no I say, im still being fair considering kiras ‘proper’ introduction as it were is only just… okay. We get the info that hes a computer wiz of some sorts considering the speed hes typing, its reinforced through casual mention in dialogue, we get the impression that hes worried about the war in some manner, a flashback to athrun and his friendship as kids reinforcing their status as a narrative pair, and then some suggestion of being a bit socially awkward and scatterbrained as hes pulled out of the flashback by a friend. In total all we really learn is his primary skillset as it were, a connection between the war and his friendship with athrun which is suggested by his concerns over it and the previously established narrative paring of the two, and that hes easily distracted. Its not nothing, but its certainly less narrative meat and potential then what were given with shinn if nothing else, and again its not the actual first impression we get of kira. The op is even if only sublimely.

- anyways, this was suppose to be about seed destiny. Seeds first op is alright, I privately refer to it as ‘seeds first op but better’ which it basically his. Similar pacing, similar visuals, but just cut together a bit better with a better song overlaying it [if your into that kinda rock anyways]. We get pilots and their associated machines, we get connections drawn often between trios this time such as masked man number 2, the blond guy on the Minerva and durendel. What I do rather like is that instead of just giving us a still shot however they kinda approach establishing the pilot trio of the Minerva a little more gracefully by having them in essence wave/salute in succession as they launch. More importantly for my money though is the tidbits related to shinn they throw in, shinn being pushed into the background of a similar shot from seeds op starring athrun and kira looking on the two with anger/resentment. Shinn also gets his own naked spirit scene with a girl, a blond one this time whos name I also forget but it also feels more like hes trying to comfort her instead of kiras similar scene from seeds op so I like it a little bit more then the more sexualized one kira got. Kira and shinn are also firmly set up to fight at some point with a brief clash in the op so some more interesting narrative meat especially since it hovers long enough to drive that point home then seeds more frantic cuts. Some teasing of kira and lacus, some parallel shots starring athrun, cagalli, luna and more, lacus and another more provocatively dressed lacus acting in opposite to each other… all around definitely not revolutionary but serviceable and better then seeds 1stop atleast.

- this does bring up the concern however of destiny relying on seed imagery which sets a bad precedence but I feel theres at least enough intentional subversion to serve as the narrative parallel as it were. Whether to destiny’s benefit or not is a different matter.

- canned narration time! Mercifully short thankfully and voiced by the lady who commanded the archangel I think. Uneasy peace has been established and we further tease that kira will have a role in this story somehow with him and lacus ambiguously walking on a beach under a sort of duskish sunset palette, well kira continues to look like a wet cloth and lacus continues to smile kinda creepily. Through no fault of the animators im sure.

- title and episode one is called “angry eyes”. Hopefully that will be appropriate wink wing. I never got why the plants look the way they do on a related not, like surely that’s more of a waste of space then it is economical. Its unique ill give em that much. Also cagallis here and what looks to be a passenger class jumbo space jet. Riding economy class from the looks of it for some reason.

- seriously, why doesn’t she have a private craft? Peace time and orb pacifism and all that sure, but shes an important dignitary and head of government, surely something with speed if nothing else would be better to use for political expediency? Or atleast somewhere timmy wont overhear your political planning.

- cutting to a military base destiny manages to show off both some pretty decent writing and seeds continuing problems. Visually its conveyed that the military base is in a bit of disarray as people rush to organize things and messes pop up as they clean up to look presentable for whatever ceremonies scheduled to happen. Luna and her driver get some casual back and forth that establishes their friendship, the drivers a reckless ass in his driving and luna well exasperated by it doesn’t comment suggesting familiarity with his behaviour and at least tacit acceptance of risk and danger [being more so annoyed with everyone’s panicked straightening up even]. Destiny then goes out of its way to have the driver clarify through dialogue that everyone’s cleaning up for an important visit and establish through dialogue that most of everyone is green behind the ears. Something that we already know visually for the most part and something we could have established visually as well respectively. Its not the dealbreaker by a country mile, just disappointing is all and indicative of seeds tell don’t show problem. Despite its visual language often being its best part when they actually put in the effort and have the budget for it.

- space helicopter! And the visual language continues to show its strength by having… rey [that’s his name right] not outright state his relation to durendel, but imply it visually. Rey notices the space helicopter [why do they have that in the plants?] smiles very happily, rushes over to where its landing and stands at attention in the back but in a place durandel can clearly see him. Durandel pauses in his talking about state matters to offer rey a similarly warm and affectionate smile in return. Its speaks volumes of their relation without having to say anything, and its even helped by the dialogue around it being about other things.

- speaking of, the dialogue in this instance also highlights the problem of the previous car scene a bit better. This feels more naturalistic despite essentially being exposition of a similar nature. It reminds us of blue cosmos existence, that their poking their head around and causing trouble, and in a context that makes sense and flows more naturally because its durandel talking matters of state with an advisor.

- incidentally, to kinda track durandel as a means of highlighting his ‘sudden heel turn’ into an inexplicable villain at seeds end and why it makes no sense and doesn’t gell with whats previously been established [or not if im wrong], im going to be noting durandel in particular. And in this particular instance he notes blue cosmos as ‘more of an idea then a true organization’ asking for clarification on the matter from a subordinate, well noting that well they can work on stricter enforcement of ‘the treaty’ it wont ‘eliminate terrorists’ presumably like the other party making a request of him to enforce the treaty more strictly hopes. Largely this snippet of discussion seems to be in reference to an as of yet heard request from another party incidentally, but considering cagallis presence in the jumbo jet… its almost definitely her. Putting that aside, durandels words and reactions in these few snippits so far paint the picture of a ‘pleasant sceptic’. Hes willing to try the other way but he clearly holds doubts about its success in essence.

- first shot of cagalli with background athrun! She looks sad and or constipated [hopefully that wont be a trend]. Meanwhile athruns rocking quattro four vaginas sunglasses but in a dark red.

- durandels advisor notes her as ‘orb hime’ or orbs princess as its translated in the subs. Durandels response is a brief narrowing of eyes, followed by a smile and a remark about her being an ‘awfully busy person’. Its not the most flattering opinion to hold about her obviously since the remark seems to be mostly made in jest, but its ambiguous in that moment as to why he feels irritation towards her even if its just in the ‘what a hassal/shes childish’ kind of manner the tone, remark and smile would imply. Said tone, remark and smile I would also like to note do come across as somewhat fond as well though, so its arguably not ‘I dislike you because you’re a child’ irritation but more so ‘im being patient because you’re a child’ kind of irritation.

- cagalli and athrun. Athrun makes things weird remarking about cagalli needing a dress, but he does follow it up with some decent advice about ‘not being what you aren’t’ but also how its important ‘to be take seriously’ in matters which cagalli presumably is trying to attend to. Cagalli is reluctant/begrudging about it, kinda leaning into durandels earlier implication about her being childish. Like its weird to bring up and make it about a dress but its not a bad point in general really. Also its an unofficial visit, hence the passenger ship.

- careless remarks about ‘those damn naturals’, but its used to drum up how everyones still very uneasy about the political situation and tease the Minerva. Also, random hot topic crew that athrun notes with athrun specifically noting the blond girl of the bunch.

- apparently the Minerva is going to be ‘the first warship’ to launch since the peace treaty. Cagalli notes it with some obvious frustration as well as frustrated hesitation as to why durandels proposing the meeting here. Athrun points out that cagalli was the one who wanted a low profile continuing the be the more insightful of the two.

- beauty shot and the plants colonies are way bigger then I always think they are. Which just infuriates me more because that is in essence double the profile for at best the same amount of space as a regular gundam colony.

- cagalli and durandel greet. Not much to note about the dialogue itself as its pretty box standard but durandel notably sounds more flowery and enthusiastic about it then cagalli. Also some guy in a suit is with cagalli, whos he I wonder? Durandel makes note of athrun and clearly sees right through the clark kent guise but doesn’t comment yet.

- hot topic trio strut and a shadowed shinn in an alleyway tease us as cagalli and durandel begin talking. Durandel congratulates her on her success noting his ‘envy’ of her rapid success though clearly in a facetious manner. Its not mocking, just clearly said because hes expected to be polite. Also third guy in suit, who are these people? Outside of extras destined to die and clearly identical twins. Also cagalli plays down her accomplishments as needing more to be done and durandel jumps on that to question her motives for the meeting. Noting it as a complicated issue she apparently wanted to discuss.

- cagalli doesn’t think its complicated, notes that durandels been unresponsive and vague on his end, and directly insists that durandel and zaft, and im quoting here, “stop putting to military use the technology and human resources that have come your way since the war with orb.” Athrun puts on his shocked face and durandel just smiles in response clearly being ready for this.

- now, im going for a direct quote there because I wanna put a pin on this because its so… weird in the context of cagalli herself. Narratively this is obviously suppose to sound ominous on our end, and not to mention this is very obviously suppose to be an easy statement for durandel to shoot down. But when ya get down to it, what the fuck does cagalli think shes asking here? What thought process and series of events led her to ask this question, because as shes wording it the overall implication its providing is ‘I believe your holding orb citizens hostage and forcing them to build weapons with stolen orb technology’. Cause like, if that’s what she believes and is trying to get across that’s an insane accusation to just throw out there in a private under the radar meeting like this. But if its not and shes just poorly wording her apprehensions from seed about orb building weapons then it’s a weird way to word that apprehension, and it’s a weird implication to hold that orb citizens are always under orbs jurisdiction regardless of if they decide to become citizens of another nation or not which implies they’re orbs property in a way. Is it a combination of the two, and shes worried orb citizens are building weapons based on stolen orb secrets? Whatever the case, its an odd look for her, and doesn’t help with the impression of naivety on her end.

- hot topic gang, girl [stellar that’s her name right?] admires herself in the mirror and blue hair boy asks wtf shes doing to green haired leader. Leader boy responds ‘being a happy fool’ and suggests blue boy try being a fool sometimes. It’s a quick scene but good at establishing a dynamic for the group, the pecking order as it were, and some camaraderie banter between them. Quick cut to cagalli demanding an answer, and cut back to stellar twirling and giggling like a school child lost in her own world. Cue accidental bump into shinn and accidental boob grab.

- stellar storms off upset and in a hurry, and shinns black tagalong yolant comments on shinn ‘groping her’ much to shinns flustered embarrassment. Apparently they’ve been out shopping for whatever reason. Not the best scene to ‘reintroduce’ shinn on what with the groping, but I appreciate that we get to see him in a more casual setting and cloths first. Fashion choices remain as weird as ever in ce, but again I appreciate that we see shinn acting flustered and his rapport with yolant whos more cool and casual, teasing shinn because he knows shinns gonna be flustered and uptight about it. Also shinns established to still be carrying his sisters phone alluding to ‘lingering hang ups’ to say the least.

- commercial break animation cut. These are always kinda fun in shows, but honestly im more weirded out then anything. Why is lacus in a weird translucent sexy ballgown getup all in one colour? Why a haro orchestra? Why have the commercial cut be kira and lacus when they aren’t even around for the first 8 episodes? It feels desperate to reassure the audience that kira and lacus will be returning is all.

- durandel time! Nothing too specific stands out, he praises cagallis bravery and participation in battle, praises cagallis fathers refusal to buckle under pressure, and uses that as weight for his rhetorical question about how the political situation of the world is. Actual admiration? I feel so. Athrun gets to have the shocked face upon seeing zafts newest frontline suit, the zaku warrior. On the zaku warrior note, I don’t actually hate the design itself but it does kinda feel desperate on the showrunners part to copy paste with minor alterations the zakus design for their own show. It atleast was redesigned to look like an advancement on the ginn.

- more durandel talk time intercut with hot topic infiltration time. The hot topic gangs infiltration stuff is pretty standard faire as we see they both have men on the inside already, and advance combat skills to take on armed zaft personal with just the three of them and the one other guy who kind of disappears after this. More importantly durandel and cagalli talk, or more so durandel talks at cagalli. In essence well he displays sympathy towards cagallis give peace a chance stance he correctly identifies the essential problem that such a stance of not picking fights or allowing others to pick on you requires strong force of arms or some force of political power to back up otherwise you’re a sitting duck with no bite to your bark. You know the same problem/question gundam wing obsessed over and then cleverly side stepped by having relena become queen of the earth and abolish all weapons forever. Other things to note, durandel specifically uses hime when in essence talking down to cagalli after she expresses discomfort with the title. durandel also identifies that cagalli might in truth be more so worried that the north Atlantic federation is going to use zafts use of orb personnel as excuse to call foul on the peace treaty, which he then turns around as justification for why zaft needs to build and maintain military power [also, he notes that hes not forcing orb refugees to build this stuff, their simply using their own skills to make a living for themselves]. In essence durandels position is that zaft needs to maintain military power so that they aren’t caught off guard and on the backfoot by the Atlantic federation if things do go south. A bit warhawkish of a position, but honestly a fairly reasonable one considering the north Atlantic federation has consistently expressed a desire to genocide the fuck out of the coordinators/zaft in the past. Also, cagallis only response during this is “to much power will lead to more conflict”, which is a ‘pretty sentiment’ as it were but also doesn’t entirely make sense. In the sense of, the greater military build up there is the more that conflict will arise, its an understandable sentiment but also not one that entirely plays out in reality. Durandels response is ‘there will always be conflict hence why power is necessary’ fits with the sort of sceptical side hes been highlighted as having but isn’t even the only answer you can give in that situation. Like, if you look at our modern world you could arguably say that the build up of military power to the levels its currently at has actually decreased the amount of conflict around overall, atleast in regards to war [because as war becomes more and more expensive to wage the less willing people actually are to pull that trigger and commit, the same principle behind mutually assured destruction in a way]. Or hell, WWI was horrific because of the advancement and buildup of technology sure, but its causes were more so rooted in ultranationalism and imperial gamesmanship coming to a head and causing a political breakdown of alliances and deals. Point being, cagalli has a pretty sentiment, but it doesn’t necessarily hold up to reality as it were.

- anyways, gundam jacking time by hot topic crew. We get names as well, sting for green hair, auel for blue hair, they jack the gundams [love the theme here by the way, its really good faux orchestrate violin kinda stuff with well integrated techno elements] technobabble, stellar displays kira levels of computer typing so I guess shes a computer genius now as well or maybe they all are? Whatever the case, hot topics epic gundam jack is altered by the usual dying guard pushes big red alarm button routine.

- confusion, panic, athrun jumps ontop of cagalli throwing her to the ground in a matter meant to protect her but just leaves me thinking that probably hurt, well durandels guards take the opposite approach and don’t exactly grope him but it looks a little silly how their best method to protect him in that moment is a group hug? Anyways, jacked gundams step out, we get names though no specific attachments just some guy saying “chaos, abyss, gaia?” and sting formulates the combat strategy in an effective manner directing the team to target the as yet launched suits first. Also blond girl is given a name and its stella, as auel mentions it dividing up the workload between him and her, and they proceed to star blowing shit up.

- durandel! His shocked face is weirdly adorable as he reacts in fearful surprise to information that the gundams from ‘hanger six’ have been stolen. Cagalli and athrun meanwhile look on in slack jawed shock at seeing more gundams. Speaking off, during the destruction we see some gundam gimmicks in action to wet the appetite with stellas [gaia I think] transforming into a doggo which is a ma form I love and wish we saw more often in gundam as a whole, auels [abyss I think] gundam shows off some weird wing cannon things and a fuck of chest laser, and stings [chaos I think] boring and shoots a gun but also shows off some missile compartments in his own wing things.

- luna, though I don’t think weve actually gotten her name yet, and rey though I know we haven’t gotten his name yet, make a break for some uniquely coloured zaku warriors probably intent on helping but get knocked down by the force of a blast which also impedes the zaku warriors by covering them in debris. Which shocks the both of them and clearly irritates rey.

- durandel wastes no time in taking charge the situation, calling in for backup from the Minerva and getting cagalli to be escorted to a safehouse. What is weird however is that when cagalli athrun and their escort take a wrong turn and get caught up near some of the fighting athrun pulls cagalli one way well letting the poor schmuk guard wander slowly off the other way to get caught in a blast. Only to have them take another wrong turn and have to duck and cover again. Its tense sure but a bit repetitive.

- cagalli wallows about the situation, athrun reassures her in a surprisingly tender couple of seconds, and a dinn gets cut in half and coincidentally explodes… ontop of a zaku warrior in such a way that it falls down perfectly intact in front of cagalli and athrun? Whatever the case, the invisible hand of the author practically screams at them to get in the fucking robot already through this act and its legit comical in a way. Whatever the case the two take in the destruction raging about, and athrun makes the command decision to drag cagalli off presumably to the zaku warrior.

- but before that, long launch sequence of the ‘impulse’ gundam with its yet revealed pilot. Its actually a kinda fun sequence both in animation and music, and its good for highlighting the gimmick of the impulse. Which is ripping off the victory gundams gimmick of being multiple parts that can operate independently but combine into one suit. A very toylike gimmick used by a tomino who did not give a shit, but its what were stuck with I suppose.

- cagalli continues to be three steps behind everyone as shes surprised when athrun tells her to get into the zaku warrior but im willing to cut her some slack for now and given the situation. It is annoying to have athruns impulses consistently being action, ‘I cant let you die like this’ and all that, well cagallis is frequently inaction though. What is odd is how however is how the zaku warrior opens and closes here, the hatch is clearly on the abdomen area but a protrusion on the suits chest extends out for some reason and then the protrusion retracts first before the suits hatch actually closes. It doesn’t make much sense.

- the zaku warriors up and running and stella alludes to the pilot being more so the danger then the suit itself. Regardless with the zaku warrior athruns able to put up a decent struggle, apparently the shield beam resistant, but sting interferes to very briefly put pressure on athrun before shinn interferes. That’s right, shinns very obviously the impulse pilot and we get a needlessly long assembly sequence to some cheesy heroic music as everyone watches in surprise. The suit assembles and the end credits song begins playing in the background as shinn, presumably privately, questions what the hottopic trio are doing and if they ‘want another war!’ before rushing to engage them with the ‘sword impulse’ a nice red variation of the suit with a huge double bladed sword with small beam edge in the usual seed style. Seriously it looks like the sword strikers sword doubled and were scotch tapped together its kinda funny looking. Anyways durandel gets a shot of looking on pleased at the impulses presence from a command center, as his earlier words about conflict being inevitable echo again and athrun and cagalli look on in shock. Smash to credits.

- nothing to really note about the credits, it’s a long extended shot of destroyed equipment as everyone poses dramatically. Of special note though is that it transitions from night to sunrise, with kira and lacus being the last characters in the shot looking like a married couple gazing distractedly towards the sunrise. ‘oh Charles is it not beautiful? Why yes it is emily’ they seem to say as everyone else is miserable around them. Truly the worst honeymooners, but its… definitely biased as it were thematically speaking. Also destroyed freedom gundam is I think technically the last actual thing seen in the credits.

- preview, and its some random gibberish trying to sound poetic that basically boils down to ‘we did have peace but was it only temporary because of human nature?’. Title for the next episode is ‘those who call for war’ and things end with an image of a blue impulse and the words “from the new path before you, fly, impulse!”.

#gundam #gundam seed #gundam seed destiny

[shirlleycoyle]

My Life as a Meme: ‘I Can’t Believe You’ve Done This’ Revisited

In November 2007, an entirely contextless video of me being punched in the face went viral. You might have seen it. It still does the rounds every couple of months, often when something notably bad happens that warrants a response of disbelief. In these strange times, it’s managed to remain endlessly prescient.

For the uninitiated, the video in question is an 11-second clip in which, aged 16, I appear wearing a dressing gown cord around my head, a chain necklace, some children’s sunglasses and a black T-shirt. I sit down and address the camera, ostensibly about to tell the viewer what I was thinking. I am immediately interrupted by my friend Tim, who appears stage left and lamps me. Rather than react in pain or anger, I err more towards disappointment and dismay, bewildered that something like this could happen. “Ah fuck. I can’t believe you’ve done this,” I said. End scene.

It’s been nearly 14 years since I uploaded the original video and to this day it still prompts questions. Who was the guy who got punched? Why did he get punched? Who punched him? What was he thinking? Why did he react that way? Why did he leave YouTube?

In recent years I’ve come to appreciate and even enjoy its bizarre status as an enduring piece of internet history, but my relationship with the clip in the decade that followed its inexorable rise hasn’t always been easy. To understand why, it’s useful to remember that the internet in 2007 was, for better or worse, a very different place.

Having spent the best part of my school years filming stupid skits with mates instead of studying, there was something semi-appealing about the prospect of being able to put videos online to share with friends. It began in mid-2003, when myself and a group of friends would have been in our early teens. Inspired by the likes of Jackass and Bam Margera’s CKY movies, our impressionable young selves set about ignoring all relevant safety warnings, hurling ourselves out of trees, riding scooters into curbs, and racing tyres down hills on skateboards.

At the age of 14 or so, I had envisaged cutting the footage into a chaotic feature-length video of “stunts.” I’d probably have soundtracked it with music from the Tony Hawk games, alongside countless other homemade skate videos people made circa 2003 that probably featured a mix of Ace of Spades or Guerilla Radio. I still have a box full of VHS-C tapes kicking around somewhere, which can only be viewed on one of those absolutely insane VHS adapters. Having not watched any of it in well over a decade, I can safely say that the content contained within those tapes is unequivocally shit.

All of a sudden you're everywhere and it's out of your control. You either try to fight it and get destroyed, or embrace it and try to cash in.

Looking back, the whole endeavour was entirely aimless, but aside from coming away with mild head injuries from time to time it was an innocuous way to spend my childhood. At the very least it also means I have a bizarre, tangible record of my youth that I’ll be able to laugh at one day when I’m old and wizened.

By summer 2004, we had started filming on Mini-DV, which opened up a whole new world of editing possibilities. Plugging a video camera into a computer and capturing footage directly to editing software is pretty much a given for today’s generation of content creators, but back in the early 2000s, this was revolutionary.

We’d eventually gravitate away from ‘stunts’ towards more structured skits and sketches. Nothing was ever scripted per se, but we’d usually start out with a rough idea of something and see how it played out.

There was an ambitiously misguided 'silent horror' short, soundtracked by Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells, in which someone chopped off ‘my cock’ (a banana) with a garden shear. We considered this to be the absolute pinnacle of comedy.

There was an ill-advised 'Ballers' skit in which we ventured out in sports gear to make a mock training video taking the piss out of a guy at school who fancied himself as a bit of a gangster; this painfully middle-class white kid who listened to rap metal and liked basketball. He obviously never saw it and there's no question that we looked like idiots filming it at the local park. It’s probably quite offensive in hindsight.

The author at the Bristol Climate Change Protests in September 2019. Image: Shanya Buultjens

There was a James Bond 'spoof' that involved misquoting portions of dialogue from that scene in GoldenEye where Q gives Bond an exploding pen. It was funny to about three people. One of them was my mum.

One time a mate of mine fell out of a tree when he tried to swing from a branch. He landed on his back and ended up coughing up blood. He didn’t go to the hospital even though he probably should have. He’s now a doctor and a father.

Mercifully, none of this stuff ever made it online, but I did sell a couple of DVDs to people at school who rightly/probably/hopefully never watched them. In an ideal world, I'd own the only copies. I'm also fully aware that writing about this now only makes it more likely that one of the four people that still have a copy will dig theirs out. Please do not do that.

In 2005 and 2006, YouTube was very much in its infancy. This was the time when clips were limited to about 100mb and you could only upload about 30 seconds worth of footage at a time, which basically made it perfect for bursts of frenetic, inane content. As the platform grew, it became a dumping ground for skits and footage that we’d accumulated over the preceding years. Much of it went completely unnoticed until late 2007, at which point things started to get a bit weird.

The truth is that, nearly a decade and a half later, I’m still processing it.

The clip that people have come to know started out as an aimless skit filmed in Summer 2006. We hadn’t planned anything, least of all me being punched. In the footage building up to the event, I pushed Tim off the chair, he fell and hit his head on a filing cabinet off-camera. Rather than react to Tim, I sat down and proceeded to ad lib something that I’d venture to guess would have been considerably less funny than the act of violence that followed. Unprompted, Tim upsided me and I reacted with an inexplicable, completely incredulous response, which has followed me online ever since.

The footage sat on a tape until July 2007 when I decided to upload a brief segment under an ambiguous title. Fast forward to November and the video had somehow blown up, had its comments section relentlessly spammed, been ripped countless times and had offensive Wiki pages written about it. I also received a few direct messages which could at best have been described as ‘worrying’ and at worst ‘threatening,’ which was nice.

To this day, I’m none the wiser as to how it blew up in the way it did. I originally uploaded the video under the title ‘ ___________’ but the video somehow found its way onto 4chan where it spread like wildfire. The earliest mirrored link I could find was from January 2008, by which time it had been re-uploaded by multiple accounts, the most prominent of which had already clocked up almost double the number of views compared to my original upload.

At the time, going viral wasn't really comparable to any other experience and it certainly wasn't something I could discuss in solidarity with my friends. All of a sudden you're everywhere and it's out of your control. You either try to fight it and get destroyed, or embrace it and try to cash in. After yanking down several other videos on my YouTube channel, I opted for the latter.

When the video blew up, I got a call from a friend who informed me that the video had made the front page of Break.com. I peripherally knew what that meant: they offered a buyout scheme for videos that made the front page, which meant that I could make some money from it.

As it transpired, this wasn’t such a great idea. After signing a release form with some pretty appalling terms, over the following months I had several unnerving interactions with researchers for various TV shows looking to license the clip. Each offered far more favourable terms than those of Break. One of them harassed a bunch of my mates on Facebook. I think he even offered to pay one of them for my contact details.

By that point, it was all too apparent that I had completely fucked it. Break had the rights and I couldn't do anything with it even if I wanted to. At just 18 years old, I had sold out. In the short term, I used the money to buy a TV, which was great, but I soon started to get the creeping feeling that this was a decision that would come to haunt me. At that point, it was easier to disassociate myself from the clip, abandon YouTube, and move on with my life.

And yet, for the best part of 14 years the questions have kept coming: no, it wasn’t staged or scripted, it wasn’t a set-up, I didn’t know it was coming and, yes, it hurt. It was also very funny, which is presumably why I felt the need to upload it in isolation in the first place. Incidentally, Tim and I are still friends and contrary to some of the absolutely insane comments people leave on YouTube I can confirm that neither of us are in prison, the punch wasn’t a reaction to some sort of disagreement and he’s a lovely bloke.

To be clear, the lack of context wasn’t a deliberate choice to add intrigue either. I’d never even considered the possibility that anyone outside my circle of friends would see it. To me it was just another daft clip that a few mates would find funny.

Around the time I’d started to make peace with the issues around ownership, in 2018 it came to my attention that Break had shut down and its owner Defy Media had gone bust. The site was subsequently purchased by Yeah1 Network, but to this day I have no clarity whatsoever on my legal rights to the video. Any attempts to receive guidance have either turned up dead ends, or led to suggestions that I speak to IP lawyers, whom I have neither the means nor the time to deal with. Incidentally, if anyone has any insights in that area, I’d love to hear them.

Having said this, there’s something quite empowering in taking something embarrassing and admitting to it before someone else can point it out to you—a bit like taking ownership of an amusing surname. I’ll leave it to you to figure out what gags can be made from the name ‘Weedon,’ but I learned quite early on that if you make the jokes yourself and beat others to it, no one can fucking touch you. It’s much easier nowadays to hold my hands up and admit that I shouldn’t have sold the rights, make a joke of it and move on. At the very least, it makes for a good anecdote at parties.

As I suspect is probably the case for old content creators, if you can even call us that, the real story about I Can’t Believe You’ve Done This isn’t in how it’s aged and endured, or even how it’s impacted my life. For me, it’s tied up in issues of rights, ownership, and monetisation. As mercenary as it might be, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t regret missing out on a slice of the pie when it came to YouTubers being able to monetise their content sooner. On the one hand, that's probably a very cynical view for something that was created by a bunch of teenagers who were fooling around making videos for fun in the noughties, but on the other, that's just the world we live in now.

Perhaps the strangest thing about my experience with it nowadays is the way people engage with it on a day-to-day basis. The comments vary from young people discovering its origins for the first time, surprised to discover that it is in fact a 14 year old video and not a recent creation filmed for Vine or TikTok. At the other end of the spectrum are those who are incredulous that someone with a video that has 9.2 million views and an account that’s amassed over 15,000 followers without really trying would step away from the platform and not want to make content.

The truth is that, nearly a decade and a half later, I’m still processing it. I love seeing how it’s been re-interpreted in modern mediums and that positive association has made it easier to accept. Charles Cornell turned it into a sad song. It got sampled in a KIll The Noise track. I had a nice interaction with The Sidemen about it. Will Smith even featured it in an insane Instagram post during the pandemic. I DM’d him to say thanks and he obviously didn’t reply.

To that end, a small group of us have recently started work on a film project exploring the nature of the meme, how it grew, its impact on my life and my relationship with the internet at large. In doing so, the hope is that, while answering some of the burning questions that other people still seem to have, I’ll ultimately be able to make peace with the whole thing.

@Twotafkap

My Life as a Meme: ‘I Can’t Believe You’ve Done This’ Revisited syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

[rosegoldachievement]

Where Good Girls Go To Die (Chapter 2)

pairing: fahc x reader

word count:  1,702

series: Where Good Girls Go To Die

summary:  You’re not quite sure what compelled you to move to the infamous city of Los Santos, a ruthless playground for drug dealers, washed-up celebrities, and criminals alike. It was very different from your small hometown in the middle of nowhere, where nothing ever happened and you couldn’t even leave your house without running into someone you knew, but perhaps that was part of the attraction. But, after running into your ex-best friend, Jeremy Dooley, you began to think Los Santos wasn’t so bad as it seemed. Well, until the bank you worked at got robbed and you managed to get kidnapped all in the same week, leading you to become stuck in a penthouse with six very deadly males.

chapter 1 / chapter 2 / chapter 3

Chapter Two: Break

“You should be all set, Mrs. Coal.” You smiled, sliding a packet of information towards her.

“Thank you so much.” The elderly woman you had just finished helping smiled, taking the packet and bidding you a nice day before heading towards the door. You then began to catalog your interaction, writing down a quick summary for your manager. Today was your first day as a teller for Pacific Standard Public Deposit Bank. After high school, your parents convinced you to follow in your father’s footsteps and go to college for banking and finance.  When you had first brought up the idea of moving out, they insisted that you used your graduate skills to get a banking job in your new town. You had the skill and college experience, so there was no point in opposing. An upside was the hourly pay of your new job was more than enough to pay for your apartment, leaving money for personal odds and ends.

A sudden crash could be heard at the front of the lobby, making your eyes snap upwards to see what was happening. Your breath quickened as you saw the double glass doors were pushed open, revealing four men holding guns.

“Everyone get down!” One commanded, walking further into the building. Your colleagues and the customers they were helping complied. It took a second for your body and mind to connect but once it did, you quickly dropped to the floor. A thump could be heard as two of the robbers hopped across the desk, one landing a few feet in front of you. You held your breath as you saw him approach, taking something out of his pocket before he went behind you. Without warning, he placed one foot on either side of your body, standing directly above you.

“Put your hands behind your back.” You decided to follow his orders, not too keen on the concept of dying today. A sudden gasp escaped your lips as you felt something plastic wrap around your wrists, pulling them together tightly. The plastic digging into your skin was lingering in the threshold of uncomfortable and painful, causing you to bite your lip. You kept on thinking that after this action, the man would simply move onto the next person and leave you alone. But, after he stepped to the side, he wrapped his hand around your forearm, guiding you to your feet. “Gav!” Another man appeared around the corner. He appeared to roughly 5’10”, wearing a blue button down and dark skinny jeans. You couldn’t see much of his face, due to the fact that a pair of brown tinted glasses with gold outlined covered most of it.  “You know what to do.” The man who was holding you stated before pushing you into the arms of ‘Gav’.

“Alright, c’mon. Let’s go.” Gav said in a british accent, placing you in front of him. He grabbed your shoulder, pushing you slightly to indicate he wanted you to walk. You allowed him to gain control of you, leading you to wherever he wished. Fear coursed through you, your thoughts going a mile a minute. Gav leaded you through a multitude of passageways before the two of you reached an unmarked door. He stepped in front of you and opened the door, pulling you inside the room with him before shutting it again. You fumbled over your steps, your body threatening to collide with the floor before Gav managed to balance you. He grabbed your shoulders and pointed you to where a small safe was encased in the the wall. To the left of the safe was a ten digit keypad, which you could only presume was the way to open it.

“What’s the pin?” Gav’s voice pierced the silence as he leaned onto the very same wall as the safe. Your breath caught in your throat as you realized what was going on. Out of all of the workers there, why did they have to grab you? The one who knew nothing and had only worked there for less than a day. Your mouth opened to answer him, but the words came out in an incoherent mumble.

“I don’t know.” The fear you felt earlier began to grow as tears started collecting in the corner of your eyes, threatening to stream down your face at any moment.  

“What?” Gav took a step closer to you, his eyebrows were raised over the frame of his glasses and knitted together in confusion.

“I don’t know.” You managed to speak clearly despite the lump that had formed in your throat.

“How do you bloody not know how to?” His voice rose in frustration, causing you to flinch. At this point, the tears you were holding back began to trickle down your face.

“It’s my first day working here and I-” The sound of gunshots could be heard from the direction of the lobby, causing you to pause. Gav sighed deeply before running a hand through his hair, making you wonder what he was going to do next. A few seconds later a red headed man popped his head into the room, eyes interlocking with your captor.

“Come on, we gotta go.” Gav stole a glance at you before nodding. The mystery man disappeared, running down the hallway in the direction of the lobby.

“Sorry about this, love.” Before you could react, Gav bolted out of the room and shut the door behind him. You quickly ran to the door, turning your body and trying to jiggle the handle with your tied hands. The tears now flowed freely as you tried to force the door open with no success. Moments passed before you found yourself sitting on the floor, your back pressed against the door. It felt like a lifetime that you were positioned like this, wondering how you would get out of this mess. As time seemed to reduce to a painful crawl, so did your hope.

Well, until you heard the sounds of footsteps coming down the hallway. At this point, you considered yourself desperate and stood up. The footsteps appeared to be getting closer. After basically running into the door, accompanied by kicking it multiple times, it finally opened to reveal a man in a police uniform. His brown eyes widened for a second before they noticed your uniform and tear stained cheeks. His squared-off shoulders seemed to slump at this, his guard falling.

“Are you okay?” He asked, stepping back to allow you into the hallway. You nodded and walked into the hallway, facing your back to him so he could see your hands. “Oh, shit. Stand still.” You did as you were instructed as the officer pulled out a switchblade and freed your hands. “Let’s get you out of here.” As he guided you to the lobby, you began to inspect the indints that the zip tie had left in your skin. You rolled your wrists, the feeling of tightness slowly fading.

When the two of you had reached the lobby, you couldn’t help but gasp in shock. Almost two hours ago, this place was in pristine condition and held a dozen people. Now, it was a ghost town. Two windows were shattered, the shards of glass that once held them together scattered across the marble floors. But, the thing that caught your attention the most was the drops of blood splattered to the right of the entrance way, a prominent contrast to the alabaster ground.

“No one was killed, but a few officers were injured trying to bring the group into custody.” You nodded in understanding, ripping your eyes away from the crime scene to see the officer giving you a kind smile. He opened one of the front doors for you, allowing you to slip into the midday sunlight of California. “So, what’s your name?”

“Y/n.” You answered as he shut the door and stood by your side.

“Well, y/n, I understand that if you’re shaken up over all of this. But, I’m guessing you weren’t locked in that room by your own free will, so you’re going to have to come back to the station for witness questioning.” You understood this and agreed to go back to the station with him, knowing that the sooner you had gotten this done, the sooner you could go home and just put all of this behind you.

By the time you had left the station and arrived home, it was five in the afternoon. The sky above the city was a collision of pink and orange as the sun made its descent below the skyline. Your body felt lighter than it did after the robbery, the officer who had brought you to the Los Santos Police Department station was very kind and comforting, allowing you to take your time while explaining what had happened. He also made you tea, which also helped. He even offered to drive you home after your interview came to a close, since his shift was now over.

“Do you want me to walk you up?” He asked his car pulled up to the front of your apartment building.

“I should be fine but thank you, Officer Luna.” You smiled, opening the passenger door. You were about to get out of the car when you noticed that he was holding out something. You slowly took it, looking over the small piece of paper to see it held his personal contact information, along with his office phone number.

“Don’t be afraid to give me, or the station, a call if you can think of anything else that can help with the case. And please, call me Miles.” His request caused a small smile to slip onto your face.

“Thank you for driving me home, Miles.”

“No problem, y/n. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” You got out of the car and shut the door, waving goodbye quickly before entering your building. As soon as you made it up to your apartment, you went into your bedroom and changed into a pair of comfy sweatpants and an oversized tee-shirt. Today was exhausting both mentally and physically to do anything else, so you found yourself crawling into bed and letting sleep consume you.

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[beltbuy-blog]

Belts for Guy-- The 3 Keys to Picking the Right Belt

Putting on a belt is something most guys are accustomed to.

Considered that you're here, reading this, you've most likely asked on your own this question in one form or an additional:

' Exists even more to belts for guys than fit as well as top quality?'

Well, yes, there is, in fact ...

... as well as after reading this short tutorial, you will have discovered what lots of males never understand about belts:

That it's extremely simple, but also very crucial, to choose and match the ideal belt.

The 2 Belts Every Male Ought To Own Belts are everything about holding your pants up and tying together the upper as well as lower fifty percent of your attire. Despite having 30 different belt models on screen in your typical store, the majority of these are useless to you.

That's due to the fact that we desire clean, solid-coloured, useful, and inconspicuous belts that we can put on with all our pants.

So where to begin?

That's very easy to address, considered that most of us own a set of natural leather footwear (for service and elegant occasions) as well as one pair of sneakers for informal events.

For that reason, the most effective place to begin is with:

1. A narrow leather belt (in the exact same colour as your leather outfit shoes-- to wear with your natural leather gown shoes. 2. A slim canvas belt (in the same colour as your favorite tennis shoes)-- to put on with your sneakers

White footwear are the exemption as well as needs to never ever be paired with white belts for guys. For the very best appearance with white footwear, choose a black belt instead.

If you wish to take points also additionally with your belts, maintain reviewing!

The Secret to Choosing Belts for Male Like a Pro My secret techniques for choosing belts for guys can be summarized similar to this:

1. The Belt and also Pants Need To Match Procedure Slim belts with outfit pants, chinos, dark denims, as well as trouser shorts; and wide belts with lighter jeans, cargo pants, and freight shorts.

2. The belt and also shoes should be of the exact same colour Black with black, brownish with brownish, blue with blue, and so forth. The only exemption right here is when your shoes are white or brilliantly coloured. In those instances, a black belt is normally your best bet.

3. The Belt Product Must Suit the Shoe Product Leather with natural leather, suede with suede, and also canvas with canvas.

Secret 1: Suit Belt and also Trouser Formality I assume you'll agree with me on this:

An elegant natural leather belt wouldn't check out residence on a set of rough cargo trousers ...

... and also on the other hand, neither would certainly a rough leather belt look proper on a set of dress trousers.

So what makes belts for men dressy, and also what makes them casual?

It's really all about the size of the belt. A large belt (1-1/2 ″ or 3.9 cm) looks more casual than a slim belt (1-1/4 ″ or 3.4 cm).

You can get belts for males that are even broader or narrower than these 2. Nonetheless, these are basic and, comfortably, additionally the simplest to locate.

Wide informal belts are best used with informal trousers, such as lighter jeans trousers and freight trousers.

Narrow belts, on the other hand, are best worn with dressier trousers, such as dress trousers, chinos, and dark denim.

So currently you recognize just how vast your belt must be, relying on what trousers you're wearing. But belts also are available in various colours ...

... so just how do you pick the appropriate one for your clothing?

Usage Trick 2 to find Your Belt Colour:

Secret 2: Suit Belt and also Footwear Colour Colour-coordinating your belt with your shoes is-- after choosing the best belt size-- commonly sufficient to get you through the day with style.

The factor:

The appropriate size and also colour will loop your clothing, as well as those around you would certainly have to be very close in order to find that the belt material does not match that of your shoes.

As I've stated earlier, many guys own as well as wear black footwear often. As a result of this, a black belt is basically required for all males to own, and also to get one of the most mileage from it, see to it it's a slim natural leather belt.

Since black is neutral and does not stick out, this belt can likewise be put on with other shoe colours. Perfect if you do not have a coordinating belt for those yet.

With that claimed, the most effective point you can do is to own a number of belts in colours that match all your various shoes.

Secret 3: Suit Belt and Shoe Material Even though several guys do not appear to recognize this super-simple guideline-- just take a look at other men's belts following time you're out-- matching the product of your belt as well as footwear could not be any much easier.

Shoes normally can be found in one of these 3 materials:

Canvas * Plain leather * Suede natural leather * All you need to make certain of is that your belt is the same product as your shoes.

So if you're using canvas sneakers, select a canvas belt ...

... or if you're in a pair of natural leather shoes, stick to your relied on leather belt.

If your shoes are suede ... well, your belt should be suede as well.

To sum it up, below are the belts you would certainly use with these footwear:

Exactly how I Always Have the Correct Belt on Hand Firstly, if you like the idea of looking pristine, choosing a belt by complying with the 3 secrets is a terrific start.

Back when I first started acquiring as well as wearing belts, I had a tough time bearing in mind which to buy and which I already had. Today that's much easier. Now, whenever I buy myself a pair of shoes in a colour or style I haven't owned previously, I constantly see to it to acquire a belt to match those brand-new footwear at the same time ...

... complying with the 3 keys, certainly.

I've pertained to find out by hand that belts-- especially guys's leather belts-- much like leather shoes, will at some point extend a fair bit. It's important to keep this in mind if you're choosing between two sizes because it's usually better to choose the smaller dimension.

So if the waist dimension of my jeans is 34, the largest belt I would get would be a 36 (since it could wind up being as high as 38 inches after it has stretched). Or else, I might wind up with a belt tail that's not only too long, yet an actual trouble to take care of also.

Know When to Retire Your Belt The lifetime of a belt depends on a number of factors:

The belt product Whether the belt buckle is layered or solid steel When it involves leather belts for men, the natural leather will certainly end up being extended and also flawed after regarding 9 to year of day-to-day use. Additionally, belts that are just glued-- opposed to stitched and also glued ones-- are more fragile as well as can split up extra conveniently. Then, a leather belt has lost a lot of its previous magnificence and also prepares to be changed.

Canvas belts can be a lot tougher than ones constructed out of leather. For these belts, the fastening itself will certainly usually reveal indicators of putting on initially. Nevertheless, this can likewise take place to leather belts... and the only genuine way to avoid this is to get a top notch belt with a strong metal belt buckle.

Brass was long the favored steel for belt buckles, as it's shiny and withstands put on very well. It's still a classic, however today, stainless steel is one of the most prominent and also cost effective clasp choice for both canvas and natural leather belts for males.

Which brings us to the last inquiry:

What's the very best Belt Clasp Look? Let's very first beginning with categorising belt fastenings. We essentially have:

* Novelty buckles * Developer fastenings * Level buckles I find that belts that have too much going on can be tough to put on as well as still look good. Belt buckles aren't the most effective area to flaunt your commitment to a rock band or your sense of humour either, so novelty belt buckles really shouldn't be worn with any attire.

Belts from various style residences can likewise be actually tricky to nail.

If they're plain as well as look great, and also have a wonderful surface, they're great. However, means too often I see belts for males of this kind with some sort of logo design like Gucci or Louis Vuitton on the buckle, or even worse yet, logos inscribed on the natural leather itself.

Belts like these are much more concerning brand commitment and fashion than looking good. As well as if I had to select, I would constantly aim for the last.

Besides being a lot less costly than designer belts, ordinary belts are also a lot easier to come by. Practically every good retail store I recognize of has a decent selection of leather belts with ordinary buckles.

Actually, I merely see my regional shoemaker, Hilroy Skorep. He's an independent shoemaker that sells terrific footwear as well as matching belts without any hassle-- best for an individual like me. So if you're a belt short, take your shoes down to your neighborhood store (or shoemaker) as well as discover a belt that matches them ...

... due to the fact that now you understand specifically which belt to select.

Currently It's Your Turn ... Now that I've shared my 3 secrets to choosing the very best belt for your outfit, I want to establish the concentrate on you.

Do you have a "belts for men" concern you want to ask me ...

... or, do you have comments on my post? Please leave it below in the comment field now, before you neglect.

#belt #Belts for Guy