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furiousgoldfish · 3 years

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Learning more about trauma recovery, I realized that even if we all have similar cptsd symptoms (emotional flashbacks, inner shame and guilt, abandonment issues, fear of other's negative reactions to us, fight/flight/freeze/fawn response, highly anxious behaviour, perfectionism, catastrophizing, chronic exhaustion and pain, panic attacks, struggle expressing anger, dissociation, grief, negative thinking, fear of the future, hopelessness, suicidal ideation) it's usually one or two of them that are specifically strong and tako a hold of someone's entire personality. For instance, someone will try to find a way out of fear by constantly doing more and more and try to always be perfect, another one will freeze and do nothing in a stressful situation; some will avoid people altogether, some will run from one painful relationship to another. Some might find their inner critic so powerful they get unable to do anything due to the constant shame and berating from inside of their head, and some will sink into dissociation and numbness in order to withstand being alive.

For me, it was the inner catastrophizer that was so loud, overbearing, and impossible to fight; I hadn't recognized it as a trauma symptom because I believed every bit of it was true. My imagined catastrophe was dying from lack of resources, or being tortured to death. Both felt like a very likely scenarios to happen because I do live in poverty, with minimal resources, and I've already experienced torture so it seemed like it's highly possible for it to happen again. I couldn't see that I've survived years on my own, without any help, and that I've became more resourceful than most people, or that I had saved myself from torture and kept myself safe. Every single time a minor stress would appear, I would spiral into wild scenarios of myself homeless, dying, or in unbearable pain. It would trigger a nervous breakdown, lots of flashbacks, panic attacks, and bring me to such highly anxious state I wouldn't be able to move for days. I didn't see a way out of this, I believed I was brainwashed to experience this over and over again, and panicked severely when it started getting worse.

It was only when I found out about other survivors having the exact same imagined catastrophy, I was able to see it was fake. People with jobs, friends, family, loved ones, resources and safety, were having the exact same fear of dying homeless. Circumstances don't matter to the catastrophizer, it will find a path to your worst, most painful scenario even if it's next to impossible for it to happen.

Reading the 'Complex PTSD' book, I learned that these catastrophic thoughts can and should be de-escalated and stopped in their tracks by a stream of logical, factual thoughts that challenge the unlikeliness and fakeness of the imaginary disaster. I trained my mind to do it immediately, unspeakably relieved to know it's something I can do on my own, it's do-able, it's progress I can make just by arguing with my own thoughts!

Ever since that day, I haven't allowed myself to spiral into a catastrophic thoughts once, and it's done wonders for my recovery. It was like dragging myself from the bottom of the pit to a place where I could breathe again. I only now acknowledge how extremely damaging it was on my body to be broken down like that regularly, how impossible it was to live always followed by that terror, how unreasonable it was to expect from myself to endure it. I still break down a lot, but from grief, which is healthy for me to break down about, and it doesn't throw me into a paralyzing pit of terror.

I also need to acknowledge that this is not something I'd be able to do at the beginning of the recovery; at the start I had every single symptom screaming in my face, it was all I could do to stay alive thru it all. Over the course of several years, a lot of the symptoms quieted down on their own, just because I was getting used to life in a non-abusive environment. The catastrophizer was one that kept getting bigger and more stressful as others got smaller and more manageable.

I believe most of my symptoms died down because I was allowing myself to seek out a comfort zone; giving myself a place to feel safe and not triggered by whatever, gave me a lot of peace, a refuge to hide in. After finding a little peace of the world I was safe in, this world began to expand, until I saw a way to have a life in it. It has its limits, of course, and if I try doing certain things I will absolutely get triggered and my well-being will be obliterated. But I'm not looking for a life where I can do everything. Only to stay alive, and to not be in terror. It's a humble yet very complicated desire for a traumatized person to have.

I no longer have to actively stop my catastrophic thoughts; my brain now does it for me. If I start spiraling, a voice in my head will go 'Wait a minute, that doesn't sounds realistic, isn't it more likely x will happen and it will be okay? Come on, you don't have to be terrified about this, because it's not real. It will be okay, and here's every single instance where a similar event went well for you. You will pull thru this one, and even if you don't, the consequence won't be death, or torture, or everyone alive hating you. At worst you will feel slightly bad, so it's okay to feel good now. You've done a lot to get this far. All will be well.'

And that is a very pleasant inner voice to have, and I am grateful for it. I wish so badly that I had this earlier in life, but I guess looking at my parents, there was no way.

What is your worst reoccurring symptom that stops you from progressing in your recovery? If you feel like you're at the stage where you can recognize it and talk about it, it would be beneficial for everyone recovering to read more experiences.

#trauma recovery #cptsd #complex ptsd #healing from trauma #furiousgoldfish #inner catastrophizer #inner voices #de-escalating #recovery #story

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zeroone-eleven · 3 years

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If only you were here; Hwang Yeji (ITZY)

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Summary: Yeji was the leader, she couldn't afford to be seen being anything less than perfect for the role. No crying, being sad, or feeling any kind of negativity. But she's only human, and being human means letting your emotions run through you.

Requested? ☒

"Miles away from seeing you."

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She was exhausted. Today's schedule was nothing but hectic, from interviews to filming for music videos. All Yeji had wanted to do was be with her girlfriend, to have her take away the stress, to run her fingers through her hair, to hold her like doing so was the only thing keeping her together. But with Y/N visiting her hometown? The best she could do was a facetime.

She loved her job, her members, and their MIDZYs. She really does. But sometimes the high life takes more from you than it gives. Lately her girls have been facing prejudiced hate from a bunch of ruthless people online. Lia was being branded as "Lazy" and it made the leader's blood boil, among all five of them Lia was the one who spends the most time in the practice room, especially when she has trouble with some of the choreography. She remembers a memory of theirs that included Lia almost passing out of exhaustion in the practice room, Yeji herself wasn't enough to pull the pale and sluggish girl out of there. If Yuna's maturity and hidden stern-ness hadn't reared their heads then she has no doubt that Lia would've ended up in a hospital bed.

Chaeryeong is under fire for "Being Ugly" and all Yeji could do was scoff at the stupidity of the false accusation. Despite Yeji being Y/N's girlfriend, Chaeryeong was the latter's bias. This information had her shocked, Chaeryeong smug, and worst of all: It gave Ryujin a field day. Which resulted in getting the other three members in on teasing her. "Anyone who catches Y/N's eye is fucking beautiful" she mutters to herself. Not to toot her own horn but Y/N has an eye not only for gorgeous looking people, most times those she ends up liking are great people with great personalities. Your ex, Ahn Hyejin of Mamamoo is a damn great example of that.

Another one of her members under fire is Yuna, the baby of their new little family. Knets had a field day when it was found out that the Maknae wasn't originally planned to become a part of ITZY. Jumping on the chance to poke at the youngest's insecurity, thry took to saying that she wasn't good enough to be with them, much less have debuted at all. That's bullshit, and she won't leave room for argument. Yuna is the glue that holds them together, the friend that they can't imagine not having even when they've been a group for less than a year. She stands up to Yeji without being disrespectful when the leader is being too strict or controlling. She pulls Lia out of her workaholic state whenever it starts to become detrimental instead of beneficial. She is the one carrying Ryujin's ass whenever the latter thinks her dad jokes are funny. She's the one to calm Chaeryeong down backstage whenever the latter is feeling nervous, anxious or on the verge of a breakdown.

Ryujin's a reliable friend through and through, but if the fate of the world was decided by the rapper's ability to tell a funny joke? Yeji bets that they all would've died ages ago, she's better at joking around with actions than she is with words. Which leads to some people labeling some of Ryujin's actions as "Bullying". Yeji admits to herself that, yes. To the untrained eye it does seem as if Ryujin's the type, she has the face of a villain when she wants to look intimidating after all. But the rapper is also the softest person she has ever known in her life, testified by the one time they had a pillow fight in the dorm. In the heat of the moment, Ryujin's slipper got thrown and it knocked a Lizard dead off their wall. The pillow fight abruptly ended with four members trying to make her feel less guilty over the critter's untimely death.

Lia interjected that had the moment been captured on camera, some MIDZYs would be making a meme of how they'd like to be that "Lucky" lizard. Ryujin cried harder, because the lizard was not at all "Lucky" in her opinion.

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Yeji was so lost in her own thoughts and so fatigued that she didn't even realize that she had finished changing from her performance outfit to the clothes she wore before clocking in for work. It was only when she had closed the door to her dorm room did she realize how tired she actually was. She was thankful she had been given her own room instead of bunking with someone else again, she's not too sure she could make it up in a bunk bed if she was still roommates with someone.

She crashes onto the bed and pulls out her phone. Most days she would get some shut eye and just facetime her girlfriend in the morning, but at the moment she thinks she'll end up in a mental ward if she goes another second without hearing her Y/N speak. So despite the fact that she can't feel her legs anymore and that her eyelids are growing heavier by the second, she calls.

Ring

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Ring

You're pulled from the coziest and most comfortable sleep you've fallen into for the night by a constant ringing. You rub your eyes and turn towards your nightstand where your phone is located. "Who in their right fucking mind would be calling at this hour?" You grab your phone and the caller photo snaps you out of your mood before you even see the caller's name.

You hurriedly turn on your lamp on the nightstand and then proceeded to hit answer. "YEJ- whoa, not that I'm unhappy to see you but you look like you should be asleep instead. You look tired as hell Yej. Did you eat yet? How about water? Please stay away from dehydration and be sure to drink regularly." Yeji smiles at you, with her eyes drooping every now and then. "Yeah, I should be asleep but I just missed you so much I couldn't sleep without seeing you first."

You sit up and lean against the head board instead of laying down, your worry increasing tenfold. "What's wrong?" Yeji knows how to prioritize her health first and she never calls you half asleep because she had always claimed that you deserved nothing less than her full attention. She never calls you half asleep unless she's alarmingly close to losing her composure. Her eyes widen as soon as the question leaves your mouth, and a sniffle makes its way through the line. She burried her face in her arm and struggles with wanting to tell you and wanting to fake being strong with you.

You sense the dilemma within your girl and you refuse to let her carry this alone. "Hey, I'd never force you to spill. But I am always gonna be here to listen to your troubles. I already know how strong you are, you've got nothing more to prove. Let it out and I'll be here to support you." Yeji's resolve crumbles and she cries as she tells you everything that's been weighing her down today. She cries because of the unfairness of it all, she cries about how she can't protect her girls, she cries about how she wants nothing more than to wrap them up in a hug and not let go until they're all better but the girls just like their leader want to seem strong and untouchable for each other.

Yeji cries about how she wishes she was with you instead of working, she cries about how guilty she feels for sometimes wishing that they never had to go through the unfairness that the idol life had to offer, she cries about how she feels like she's disappointing the MIDZYs for feeling as she feels. She cries because it's just the start of their journey and she's already so tired. She cries because it's the only way she knows how to get rid of the stress, even if it's just a temporary solution.

What hurts you the most is that she doesn't look at you as she says this. You're a MIDZY after being Yeji's girlfriend and it you don't miss the way she chokes up even more when she said she feels like she's disappointing the fandom. You let your girlfriend let it all out before taking a moment to pull yourself together, and then you speak.

"I can't and I won't tell you that I understand how you feel as an Idol because I'm not one. But as a MIDZY, I can and I will tell you that you were born to be the leader of ITZY, no one else could step up to that role as well as you do even if they tried. Tell the girls I told you to let the haters run their mouths, because we MIDZYs know that each and every one of you brings something special to the table. ITZY isn't ITZY if it doesn't have Hwang Yeji, Choi Jisu, Shin Ryujin, Lee Chaeryeong and Shin Yuna as the members. You girls are a fucking unit and you are all strong enough to knock those bitches speechless."

You stare at Yeji the whole time and notice that although her body has stopped shaking, her tears are still making their way down her cheeks. You take in every detail of her face and wish with everything within you that you were there with her to wipe her tears and hold her close. In your opinion, words aren't enough but you suppose due to the distance between you two that you've gotta work with what you have at the moment. Right now all you have are feelings and words.

"Now as your girlfriend." Yeji's head adjusts enough that you could see half of her face, but the other half still remains buried in her arm. "I'm telling you that you can never disappoint me." She chuckles in humor before turning her gaze away from her phone. "You don't know that, I'm not perfect-"

"I never said you were."

Silence sits between the two of you. Not once in your whole relationship had you intentionally interrupted Yeji when she was speaking, you strongly believed that everyone deserved a chance to speak their piece. But that had exceptions. Such as now. "I never said you were perfect, because you're not. You're human and you have your flaws but believe me when I say that you could never disappoint me, despite the fact that humans weren't designed to be perfect you still work on yourself everyday trying to polish all the rough edges, trying to better yourself not for anyone or anything but yourself because you really want to be better than you were in the past. How could I be disappointed in someone as noble as that?"

You notice that she's now actively fighting to keep her eyes open and you smile. "You okay for now?" She nods and you continue. "Then go to sleep, God knows you both need and deserve a good night's rest. I'll call you back tomorrow when you wake up, so you can tell me about everything else your sleep addled brain forgot to tell me tonight."

Yeji uncovers the other half of her face and eyes stare at her screen that shows your face, now more than ever she wishes she was there with you, to thank you and hold you for everything you've said and for the way you've calmed her down. She promises herself that once you meet back up in person, she'll make it up to you. But for now words will have to do.

"Thank you Y/N. I love you."

Your smile grows wider and Yeji swears she's ready to make a fool out of herself just to ensure that that smile never fades away from your face. You take your a moment to memorize the candid details of Yeji's face before replying. "I love you too Yeji. Good night." Both of you wave goodbye and as heavy of an action it was, you take the initiative to end the call because you know that if you left it up to your girlfriend she would never hit that End Call button.

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Yeji places her phone on the nightstand by her bed.

Y/N lies back down properly on the bed.

The two stare straight ahead of them, eyes unfocused.

They take a deep breath before closing their eyes, ignoring the need that courses through their hearts.

"I'll be with her soon enough."

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A/N: I think this is the longest fic I've written on this app? Why the hell is there too little ITZY content on this app? it feels like drought istg 😭😭

#Hwang Yeji x Reader #ITZY #itzy x reader #Hwang Yeji #reader!insert

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storybysunshine · 3 years

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I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before.

For all of my life in school, I’ve felt this innate stress of "there’s a right way of doing things, and you’re doing it wrong. You need to be better."

This applied to everything: in the way I take notes in class, in the way I do homework, in the way I draw, in the way I eat, in the way I exercise... the list goes on.

There’s always been this stress that’s felt so crippling, but at the same time, there was always a flame of hope in my chest that as long as I endured, I will be okay and eventually like what I do. I’ll adapt. I’ll be better.

But this past month, I’ve kinda just...

...given up?

And I know that sounds bad out of context, but... I’ll try to explain in the best way possible.

I don’t feel the need to impress anyone anymore. I’ve accepted how I eat is how I eat. How I draw is how I draw. How I feel going through life is how I feel, and I can’t change it right now.

I still get nervous about posting. I still get anxious about calling friends or hopping into a call. It’s not like I don’t have fear anymore.

It’s now like, "yeah, I’m going to stay in bed all day and read fanfiction. So what. I don’t owe anyone anything." My brain before would berate and tell ourselves that we’re disgusting individuals. But now, there’s no voice in my head yelling at me for feeling fear and seeking comfort in the things I like.

Same thing with eating. I had a mental breakdown over a bite of cheesecake in October last year. But now, I’ll snack in the middle of the night, unapologetically, and I don’t hear anything back.

There’s no mean voice in my head right now. And I don’t know how to cope with that? I’ve always had a mean voice that’s motivated me to do things "correctly." Sometimes, I feel afraid that I won’t "progress" as an individual without it. That I need it.

But for now, I’m just tired. I accept that I’m tired. And that I’m just trying my best with the person I am.

I just want to graduate and be free from school. I don’t know the person I’ll be once I’m out, but I’ll figure it out on my own terms.

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kingofthelight · 3 years

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okay so updates. not sure if im gonna be on this blog for very long, but I *am* medicated enough to type this up.

As most of you know, we have an 18+ discord server for wow rpers, though it's become a group chat playground by now bc we know each other very well. I've been very active in the group chat, and they've been real helpful during this stressful time.

Some bad news: I have to get a hysterectomy bc I have fibroids. I've become anxious about leaving my apartment at all. I've been having breakdowns from stress, usually triggered by the banging at all hours from my neighbors upstairs and rising antisemitism. I've been to the ER about three times in the past few months. my headphones are fucking up and i cant afford to replace them. the govt expects me to pay 800$ for an overpayment they knew was going to happen, and im too scared of leaving my home to go and appeal, as well as the fact they'll probably decline my appeal. I no longer play WoW due to having nothing to do and the story.

Some good news: My roommate is converting to Judaism with me. we're saving up to buy a manufactured house. I've gotten into FFXIV, playing as catboy Anduin (ofc). I got a job (though I have to go in person) as a Hardware QA Tester today (only 4 weeks, but there's a chance of extension!). I'm saving up to go to Japan someday, hopefully next year, with one of my girlfriends.

Which brings me to my great news!

I'm dating the wonderful @time-lost-exiles!!!!!!!!

It turns out our dumb asses have been pining over each other for a while now, and I was soooo nervous asking her out! I even told my friends that I was so scared of scaring Losty away, but I nearly burst into tears bc she liked me back! If you're not following her, go do it *gun emoji*. She's been such a rock in my life, along with my other girlfriend, and I couldn't be happier to have both of them there to support me. We have plans to conquer the world as evil overlords, so keep an eye on that lol.

My main is now @valeerasanguinar btw!

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meditationnearme · 3 years

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Is This Crazy New Treatment The Cure To Your Insomnia? - how do you reduce stress

NuCalm promotes itself as neuroscience-backed tension and sleep technology. In practice, though, it simply helped me nap. I recently awakened from a delightful 20-minute nap. Really, it was more of a 10-minute half-nap half-trance, preceded by ideas of what I required to accomplish today that slowly liquified into the types of non-sequitur visions that take place because earliest phase of sleep.

In some way, this was rejuvenating. For the last week, I have actually been checking out the NuCalm system. According to its website, NuCalm is "the world's only trademarked neuroscience innovation clinically shown to deal with stress and improve sleep quality without drugs." It includes a neuroacoustic software application app utilized for 20- to 120-minute increments, an eye mask and the abovementioned processing discs, and in practice includes listening to ambient, cinematic sounds (comparable to this) with your eyes closed and a sticker label stuck to your inner arm.

Each of the elements are designed to set off the body's parasympathetic nervous system, which aids with recovery and relaxation. The disc is created to launch gamma-aminobutyric acid, a neurotransmitter that inhibits cortisol and adrenaline. With this and the app, NuCalm halts your body's tension action and therefore the mental and physical toll tension can handle the body.

military, 49 sports teams and in over a million surgical treatments. Some dental offices even utilize it for clients who hesitate of the dental expert. NuCalm's 'bio-signal processing disc' Although the product is touted as a way of possibly healing the body from injury, addiction and physical concerns, it appears predominately useful for relaxation and anxiety.

By this procedure, my use of NuCalm was a success: After my 20-minute session this afternoon, I certainly felt far more refreshed and awake. While a few of my sessions kept me conscious the whole time, I at least felt a bit more relaxed than previously. At the start, I 'd believed I was supposed to treat the session like a meditation, preventing letting my ideas roam.

Why I was so focused upon events of this age during my session is a secret to me, but regardless, I think I still dropped off to sleep for about five minutes. Unusually enough, a FAQ section of the app states that memory recollection is a typical characteristic of "theta brainwave variety," and that recalling memories in this phase allows you to dissociate negative feelings from them.

Overall, NuCalm did enable me to take best little afternoon naps in a structured method. I am decent at sleeping as it is, but I do believe something about NuCalm, whether it be the discs or the noises or the timer, made those naps more effective than usual. One glaring problem with NuCalm, nevertheless, is its rate.

Perhaps as I keep utilizing it, I'll find that this is a totally reasonable expense for the advantage of much better relaxation, health and sleep. At this moment, however, I 'd pay possibly $10 a month. The app likewise requires some major upgrading, as it presently only uses 3 various session types (recharge, reboot and rescue) at differing lengths and with a rather cumbersome layout.

Instead, it feels rudimentary, with lesser parts of the app like the post-session debriefing FAQ totally nonfunctional. I have actually taken some fantastic naps this last week, and I'll keep utilizing NuCalm for this function. It's a nearly simple and easy way of fitting 20 minutes of pure relaxation into my day. Whether those bio-signalling dics do anything, I'm still suspicious in addition to a cleaner app, I 'd need to get a bit more trust in the science to pay $60 a month.

Magdalene Taylor is a junior staff writer at MEL, where she began working two weeks after finishing college. Her work is a mix of cultural analysis and service, covering whatever from reconsiderations of low-brow hits like Joe Dirt and Nickelback to modern disability issues, OnlyFans and the kinds of small concerns about life like why baby carrots are so wet.

According to the company, thirty minutes of NuCalm is equal to 2 to 3 hours of corrective sleep. The NuCalm website boasts that the de-stressing treatment takes simply 2 minutes to administer and less than 5 minutes to accomplish its effects, making it the extremely meaning of a quick repair.

With its sleek website and claims of high-tech, borderline-magic outcomes, I half expected my NuCalm experience to occur in the literal future or, at really least, a center that reeked of sci-fi vibes. I believe I was imagining a workplace that looked like the ship from Passengers and a large set-up reminiscent of the memory-implanting tech from Total Remember or possibly even a coffin-like pod directly out of The Fifth Component.

My NuCalm treatment was not administered on the set of a motion picture, but it also wasn't administered in a dental expert's workplace. On the early morning of my visit, I drove across Los Angeles to Santa Monica to the workplaces of an authentic medical professional to the stars, whose Hollywood customers includes starlets, authors and motivational masters, and who boasts know-how in energy medication, integrative medication and bioidentical hormone replacement treatment.

Rather, my NuCalm experience began in a (actively) dimly lit waiting room that looked more like the living-room of an eccentric, well-traveled college professor than a medical center. The doctor was fashionably late not with another patient, simply in getting to the office. While the tardiness might usually have actually frustrated me, here, it appeared like part of the experience, almost like a sneak peek of the outcomes of the high-tech treatment that awaited me.

Throughout a quick consultation, the physician discussed the NuCalm procedure and summarized the science behind it (more on that later). The gist of the system, I learned, was this: I would chew a tablet of gamma-Aminobutyric acid, or -aminobutyric acid (or GABA, for short), a repressive neurotransmitter suggested to decrease activity in my nerve system.

I would listen, through headphones, to binaural beat music music with two various balanced pulses that activates Alpha and Theta brain waves, which are connected with the very first stage of deep sleep and meditation. Likewise, I would be blindfolded. And, in Doc Hollywood's workplace, I would do all of this while lying on a waterbed although the waterbed, I learned, is not a standard or needed element of the treatment.

I was led to a small exam space (or, possibly, a large closet), where I was offered a big GABA tablet and told to chew but not swallow it while the medical professional marked time the binaural beats and connected the Biosignal Processing Disc to my wrist. Lastly, after what seemed like a much longer duration of time than it possibly could have been, I was informed to swallow the GABA vitamin sludge, which had the artificially sweet, fruity taste and distinctly milky taste and texture of Flinstones vitamins that are a couple of months past their expiration date.

The NuCalm treatment itself was completely pleasant. The music was calming but interesting (I've since registered for a binaural beats playlist on Spotify bless the web). The milky, orange-adjacent taste of the GABA tablet didn't remain in a particularly noticeable way. And the waterbed was warmed, that made for a relaxing place to lie down and rest.

What am I doing incorrect? Why don't I feel calm? If science can't make me chill TF out, am I just a lost cause? Perhaps if I do a body scan, I'll be able to feel the results. That's a good concept. I'm going to do a body scan. This will resemble mindfulness on steroids orange-flavored, healthy steroids.

I am broken. I was wrong. It was not practically over. Maybe it's the kind of thing you can't feel in the moment, however I'll observe a substantial distinction when it's over. I have a lot work to do. Stop thinking of work and being stressed. That beats the entire purpose.

I asked how typically he advised that individuals come in for NuCalm treatments and he stated that it differs, but that some individuals "need it daily." I couldn't help however think, based on my experience and the lack of concrete outcomes, that that appeared excessive. He handed me some research study further discussing the science behind NuCalm prior to rushing off to his next appointment, and I left sensation disappointed and a little anxious about my failure to feel less distressed through the treatment.

For the record, it's not. I discovered the experience to be a little New Age-y in practice, however the system really is based in science. Drawing from neuroscience research into the patterns the brain goes through throughout natural periods of relaxation, every component of NuCalm is created to simulate that process and prompt a stressed brain to switch gears to a more relaxed state.

NuCalm works specifically on the body's inhibitory system, the GABAergic system. This gadget is bio-mimetic in that it resets the naturally taking place negative feedback loop of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which when properly functioning is expected to shut down and stop releasing cortisol from the adrenal glands after the end of a stressful occasion.

Individuals in this state are physically not able to have a distressed reaction. Within moments of application, users will start to feel remedy for the 'fight-or-flight' considerate nervous system action and their tension hormonal agent (cortisol) levels will start to decline as the HPA axis is hindered." Here's a quick breakdown of the science behind each phase of the NuCalm process.

It's really the primary repressive neurotransmitter system in brain circuits. Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid is a relaxation neurotransmitter that the body produces naturally when we're preparing yourself to sleep, so the strategy of utilizing GABA supplements to signify the brain that it's time to relax makes good sense. What's not completely clear, nevertheless, is how effective oral GABA supplements remain in triggering those advantages.

While some studies have actually revealed that GABA can cross the blood-brain barrier, others have shown the opposite, suggesting a possible placebo result behind perceived benefits of the supplements. Researchers agree that more research is needed to figure out how useful GABA supplements really are. According to NuCalm's website, the disc "simplifies the process of triggering the parasympathetic worried system, by tapping into the body's Pericardium Meridian with specific electromagnetic (EM) frequencies." The disc (which, again, was a round sticker, about the size of a quarter, that was used to the within of my wrist) was, undoubtedly, my greatest source of apprehension at the same time, and NuCalm's official explanation of the science behind it highlights the most Brand-new Age-y vibes of the company.

It is hypothesized that if you can restore the frequencies that take a trip through the Meridians you can reinstate ideal physiology. Each NuCalm disc holds the EM frequency patterns of GABA and its precursors to provide a pure biological signal to your body. When put on the within your left wrist, at your Pericardium-6 acupuncture point, the disc sends a signal to the pericardium of your heart to trigger regional parasympathetic nerve fibers, which then transfer the signal to your brain telling it to increase vagal nerve output and start the process of decreasing the body.

In 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP promoted a $120 brand name of bio-frequency stickers, leading to a short-lived viral moment for the tech. Sadly for proponents of the devices, the action wasn't fantastic, with Mark Shelhamer, previous chief scientist at NASA's human research division, significantly decrying the GOOP-endorsed product as "snake oil." Although the NuCalm site describes that "each disc holds the electromagnetic frequency patterns of GABA and its precursors to provide a pure biosignal to your body," it's unclear exactly how putting the sticker on your wrist sets off that shipment.

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#meditation for sleep

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pappydaddy · 4 years

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Modern!Steve Dating Someone with OCD HC

Trigger Warning: Reader has OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) but it’s focus is germs. Also some Anxiety surrounding loss of control over life and well-being.

Disclaimer: I am a psych student, I have not been diagnosed with OCD and therefore, I cannot completely understand it, but I know that it is a complex disorder that shows itself in many ways and it’s different for each person. Please do no diminish other people’s diagnosis just because it doesn’t fit this or another case you might be familiar with! Please be kind to everyone!

pairing: steve harrington x fem!reader

tv show/movie: stranger things

masterlist | taglist | wips | navigation

- not my gif -

Modern!Steve Dating Someone with OCD HC:

- Okay, so you guys have been dating for a long time now (so he knows about your OCD and Anxiety) and have your own place at this point and the kids are over ALL THE TIME so them suddenly not being able to come over was hard on you and it was the first thing to make you start to feel anxious

- Steve being the oblivious cutie he is probably wouldn’t notice right away bc you probably didn’t notice it yourself either bc everyone was washing their hands more and making sure everything was clean so why was it weird that you were too?

- You started to clue in that your OCD and Anxiety was acting up when you washed your hands five times in a span of three minutes and started to not want to touch anything without sanitizing/cleaning it first (like you cleaned you phone case, phone, phone charger and even then you washed your hands in scolding hot water after touching them)

- But baby boy Steve was still not catching on, but it’s okay bc he’s crazy worried about this virus too

- When Steve started to notice was when you guys had to go out and get groceries bc you guys were in a State of Emergency and heading for lockdown

- You had packed Lysol wipes in a baggie, packed the gloves from the first aid kit, two bottles of hand sanitizer and masks in your purse, you were loaded up and prepared

- You even wore long sleeves and pants, making sure there was no exposed skin that germs could get on

- He thought that maybe it was acting up, but he didn’t want to bring it up in case it wasn’t your OCD and Anxiety bc he didn’t want to trigger anything and make you more stressed than you already were about everything

- He definitely noticed when he found you cleaning the entire bedroom, wiping everything down with Lysol wipes, dusting everything

- He had been talking to Robin and the gang over facetime out of the porch when they had questioned your absence from the video call so he set off to find you

- He had assumed you had been either working on some uni work or watching Netflix in the living room, but when he walked into the house, you weren’t there so he checked the kitchen thinking you might have been in there munching bc hungry boredom

- When he didn’t find you in there, he felt a little bit of panic settling in his stomach until he heard your music coming from the bedroom

- He was kinda nervous to see what you were doing bc you listen to music while working, when you’re experiencing insane mood swings (thank you PMS) or while you’re in the middle of a mental breakdown

- He really didn’t want to get a pillow thrown at him bc he interrupted you during an angry mood swing

- When he poked his head in the room, he saw you scrubbing the baseboards and he saw every surface in the room dust free, everything neatly organized and wiped down

- That’s when he knew your OCD and Anxiety were acting up

- He still didn’t want to say anything to you and upset you bc baby boy just wants you to be happy and healthy (physically and mentally)

- So, he went back to the facetime call and told everyone that he had to go and take care of his baby

- He cooked you some mac and cheese (bc it’s your comfort food - at least it’s mine), poured you a nice cold glass of your favourite soda, set the living room floor up with all the pillows and blankets, turned the lights off and turned Netflix on

- You can bet your ass he managed to convince you to take a break from cleaning to watch a movie with him and some how one movie turned into three movies

- Then that turned into binge-watching a TV Show

- And soon, the anxiety and compulsive behavior was forgotten for the time being as you laid there in the mess of blankets and pillows, wrapped in Steve’s arms, watching movies and TV Shows

- From then on, Steve was on hyper-alert for any signs of your OCD and Anxiety popping up

- On the first tiny little sign, he would find a way to distract you

- Be it a movie night, couple cooking/baking nights, Facetiming the kids and Robin, game nights, meditation

- Didn’t matter what it was, Steve would do it just so that he could see you relaxed and happy.

- Steve is just such a softie who only wants the best for everyone, it’s adorable

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unbelievableholland · 4 years

Note

Don't worry hun, resending it! It was about a male!reader who graduates in japanese and his boyfriend Tom Holland kisses hin during the happy hour!

Happy Hour

Pairings: Tom Holland x Male!Reader

Warnings: Swearing, I don’t how how college graduation works nor do I know how college works so it’s pretty vague😂

Words: 1,340

A/N: Again, I apologize for taking so long. I hope you like it though😄

——————————————————————

Today might just be one of the best days of your life. I mean, come on. It’s your graduation! You and everyone around you is proud, and of course, you’re glad that school is finally over. Sleepless nights and breakdowns about school projects and deadlines are finally over.

Not to mention, the venue of your graduation was set in Japan! The place is beautiful. Your school really outdid themselves. They made sure to really make the graduation day special by making the decorations very traditional. Your favorite though, is the Sakura trees.

One of the reasons you love Japan, is because it holds one of your favorite memories. For your first year anniversary with Tom, he surprised you by giving you plane tickets to Japan as an anniversary gift. You were there for about 2 weeks, exploring different cities, tourists spots and eating at restaurants, trying different delicacies or really just staying at your hotel room cuddling until you fell asleep.

Now, you are trying to fix your graduation cap. Hella nervous about going on stage. It wasn’t that you had stage freight, you just didn’t want to accidentally do anything stupid. Plus, you heard from Sam that Tom and Harry might not make it because their flight from Atlanta got delayed.

You weren’t mad. It’s not their fault. You’re just a little disappointed because Tom promised he’d be here. When you heard that the teachers are ushering people to their seats, you quickly make your way towards one of the teachers so they could lead you to your seat. This day isn’t that bad. Tom’s still coming anyway, even if it’s after the ceremony, at least you’ll be able to be with him.

***

Shit. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. They didn’t even explain why the flight got delayed!

“Harry, any news about the flight?”

“Not yet. Don’t worry Tom. We’ll make it. Even if we don’t, you know Y/N will understand, and if we don’t make it in time, just take him on the bombest date ever.”

Tom knew you’d understand. He knew that you knew that it isn’t his fault if he doesn’t make it. You’d make it a point to tell him you understand, but that isn’t the point. Tom knows that this day is important to you and he wouldn’t miss it for the world. He will do everything in his power not to miss it, even if he knows that it isn’t up to him whether the plane would take off or not. He talked to the guards and the people behind the desk, and thankfully, they all assured him that the flight will take off, but it might be delayed for a few more minutes.

After maybe a few minutes, they announced that the plane is ready for boarding.

“Fucking— yes!” Everyone stared at Tom for, some recognizing him but are too busy picking up their things to board the plane. He awkwardly looked around and apologized for causing a bit of a scene, while Harry is currently losing his shit.

When they get to their seats in the plane, Harry takes out his earphones and sleeping mask, ready to get a few hours of sleep. Tom, on the other hand, had his leg bouncing up and down. He was too anxious to get any sleep.

Tom had actually asked for a few days off from filming Cherry, but they had to do some last minute reshoots so he didn’t really get the chance to get any. He did make sure they finished early so he doesn’t miss the flight though, but then the flight got delayed. So, it’s pretty safe to say that Tom is a little stressed.

Harry pauses the music and takes off his mask, looking over his shoulder to see Tom, anxiety radiating off of him.

“Mate, you need to chill. We’re in the plane, the plane took off, and we’re going to Japan. We’re going to make it in time, don’t worry. Just relax in the meantime. Here, I brought your sleeping mask since you forgot it at home.”

Tom could only nod, sending Harry a grateful smile. Taking the mask, he puts it on, as well as a pair of earphones, listening to whatever Spotify playlist that would take his mind off of things. After a few moments, he falls asleep. The needed rest finally taking over him.

“Tom, wake up. We’re here.” Seeing Tom’s eyes flutter open, Harry hands some of the bags to Tom, while telling him to hurry if he wanted to make it in time for your graduation.

***

When the ceremony began and Tom still isn’t in his seat, you accept that he might not make it. It’s not his fault, all you want is Tom to be with you. Doesn’t matter if he misses the ceremony, just as long as he’s there later, it’s fine.

When you heard your name being called on stage, you raise your chin up and put on the biggest smile you have. When you made it to the middle of the stage, your eyes scan the audience. You see your family, Sam, Paddy, and even Dom and Nikki. Expecting it to be empty, you look at the seats beside Sam, where Tom and Harry should be, but instead of two empty seats, you see your boyfriend and his brother. Tom’s soft brown eyes look directly at yours, filled with love and pride, his smile enough to make the world shine brighter.

Your smile gets impossibly bigger, tears threaten to fall down, trying to keep them at bay. You try to hurry, shaking hands, taking pictures and all that stuff. Yes, graduating is important, but you just couldn’t wait to get to Tom.

When you get down from the stage, you ask one of the teachers if you could skip some of the ceremony, explaining that Tom just got there and that you’d do anything to be with him right now. She looks over to Tom, looking at you expectantly before looking back at you and hesitantly give you a nod. Smiling when she saw you sprint over to Tom, immediately going for a hug.

“Shit sweetheart, thought I was going to miss you go on stage.” Tom lets out a very relieved laugh, resting his head on your shoulder as he hugs you tighter.

“Wanna go outside? It’s almost sunset.” Tom’s eyebrows raise in confusion.

“But the ceremony’s not over yet?”

“I got permission, and you know that I absolutely refuse to miss sunset. The view from outside looks too amazing.”

He nods with a playful smirk, and you try to leave as quietly as possible, failing since you both got too excited. Everyone who saw the both of you, could only aw at the fact that you and Tom looks absolutely smitten with each other, holding hands as you run.

The view outside looks like it came straight out of a fairytale. There were plants and flowers everywhere, Sakura trees along a dirt pathway, the sunset filling the sky with a multitude of different colors.

There as a small pond in the middle, with a bridge going across it. Tom leads you there, wrapping an arm around your waist. You lean your head on his shoulder and just stand there, watching the sunset.

After a few minutes, Tom looks at you, so you turn your head, looking into his brown eyes, easily getting lost in them.

“We should head back inside.” He whispers gently.

For a moment, you caught him looking at your lips then back at your eyes. “Yeah, maybe we should.”

In that moment, nothing else mattered. Being with each other, and existing for each other in the only thing you cared about. No graduation, no ceremony, just you, Tom, and the universe that surrounding you.

Looking at your lips, Tom leans in and your lips finally touch. The most gentle and intimate kiss happening just as the clock strikes your favorite time of the day, 6:00. The happy hour.

——————————————————————

Permanent Tag List:

@spideylovin @used-avocado @why-am-i-so-obsessed-help @annoylinglyaries @autobotgirl15-blog @shootingstarsaretearsofheaven @tiffy119 @eridanuswave

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realllllfangirllllll · 5 years

Text

Beyond Lovers || Chp.4

{More Than Friends Sequel}

Masterlist

Chairman!Jaehyun AU x CEO!Reader AU

Summary: You find yourself falling deeper and deeper in love with the former CEO after overcoming your fear of love. Although there were rough patches, both of you are now stronger than ever. However, you realize that maintaining a relationship and a company at the same time can be very difficult, especially if someone is out to destroy the both of you.

{ Previous / Next }

You were in awe as you walked through the building that was now lit up with purple, pink, and blue neon lights. It seemed it was only yesterday that Jaehyun proposed to have you as NCT’s CEO. You blindly accepted his offer not knowing how stressful it would be to weigh both online college and a company on your shoulders. Your eyes have almost gone blind from staring at a computer all day. From doing online courses to mapping out designs and promotions for NCT. You wouldn’t have been able to get through even half of it if your friends weren’t there to support you.

For the past few weeks, Soyeon and Mark have stayed up at the crack of dawn studying with you in hopes of finishing the courses required for the three of you to graduate on time. It’d be an understatement to say that the workload is difficult. At times, you even considered going back to college to learn face to face with a professor. However, Soyeon and Mark have always toughed it out and helped to make sure the three of you had the time for NCT.

When you have finished the crazy college workload for the day, you were faced with another workload from NCT. Photoshoots, coordinating, and managing the company left you absolutely no time to relax. You were just thankful your friends were suffering along with you. Soyeon, Soojin, Lucas, Winwin, and Ten were the models of the company. Since they were already professionals, half of the stress was taken away from you, not to mention that Ten’s ability to design saved the company so much time and money. Photoshoots also go smoothly with their professional opinions for improvements. On the other hand, Mark and Johnny were of great help behind the scenes. Mark was in charge of contacting future partners and other human resource duties while Johnny and you took charge of photography and video contents. The whole company was surprised, except for you and Jaehyun, that Johnny decided to retire from modeling. You and Jaehyun have always known Johnny’s passion and skill for photography. Plus, Jaehyun has always told you how guilty he felt to have made Johnny model with a “playboy” image back in SM. Taking both their thoughts into consideration, you used NCT as the perfect opportunity to settle both their concerns and wishes.

You walked through the crowded building remembering the countless nights the nine of you spent decorating and making the building look like what you all have envisioned for it to be: a place of creative freedom and a place that held no boundaries nor anyone to force a fake image upon others. With a big smile on your face, you greeted the people who congratulated you and had small talks with the guests of tonight’s grand opening event. You saw your friends enjoying their time eating, taking pictures, and just happily talking to other people. An ooze of happiness burst from inside of you. Although it was beyond difficult to start the company you and Jaehyun dreamed about, the endless efforts the nine of you put in resulted in a great outcome.

You scanned around the room and stopped when you saw a particularly well-dressed man staring back at you with a bright smile on his face. Returning the smile, you subtly motioned for him to come.

“Hey there beautiful stranger,” the husky voice said.

You rolled your eyes at him as he wrapped his long arms around your waist. He stared at you lovingly and dove forward for a long kiss.

Pulling apart, he said in a breathless whisper, “Congratulations Ms. CEO, this all happened because of you.”

Giving him a quick peck, you smiled and whispered next to his ears, “Well aren’t you lucky to be dating her.”

Smiling with his dimples exposed, Jaehyun tucked your hair behind your ears and gazed at you with loving eyes. “I sure am.”

Suddenly, you heard a buzzing sound in his pocket as he walked away to answer the call. You weren’t sure if it was because of the strobe lights or if you were just imagining things, but you saw a slight change in Jaehyun’s eyes. He seemed angry at first, maybe even furious, but when he made eye contact with you, his bright smile returned. You quickly brushed aside the doubtful feeling and walked toward him.

Gently, placing a hand on his shoulder, you asked him softly, “Everything alright?”

With a light chuckle, he grabbed your hand and placed them beside him. As to assure you, he rubbed soft circles into the back of your hand and said, “I just got a call from our collaboration’s department chief. There were some problems with the contract.”

Pouting, you asked him, “So you have to go? I didn’t even do my welcoming speech yet.”

Jaehyun chuckled, pinching your cheek lightly, “I’ll see my famous girlfriend on youtube later. I know you’ll do great, but don’t forget to mention the handsome man who funded this whole project.”

You scoffed as he gave you a wink and started heading towards the exit. You saw him grab a glass of champagne before waving goodbye to you, disappearing into the elevator.

Sighing, you, too, took a glass of champagne from a passing waiter and gulped it down. You tried to calm your nerves as you gave yourself a mental pep talk. Truth be told, you were a nervous wreck on the inside even though you seemed poised and calm on the exterior. Memorizing your speech wasn’t the difficult part, after all, you planned to speak your immediate thoughts instead of drafting out a speech. This way, the people will understand your genuine appreciation toward them and the company. However, what made you break down with anxiety was the gossip and drama that surrounded you in the past. Although your dating scandal with Jaehyun became less of an interest to the public, there were still many people who doubted you and the position you carry. It took you a lot to fight down your insecurities to even get dressed for the event and show up. You didn’t want to disappoint your friends who all counted on you, so you shallowed down your fears and dragged yourself to the event with forged confidence, hoping nobody will notice your nervous breakdown.

You felt someone lightly wrap their arm around your neck and you turned around to see Soojin. Your best friend gave you an assuring smile and told you, “It’s going to be ok y/n. If anything happens, which it won’t, you have the eight of us to back you up.”

You returned a forced smile and replied, “It’s seven now.”

Looking at you with confusion, she asked, “Seven? Who left?”

“Jaehyun did. He had to deal with one of the department chiefs.”

“Tsk tsk Leaving his girlfriend on one of her most nerve-wracking nights. What a shame,” she shook her head and looked at you with a straight face, “I disapprove.”

You chuckled and lightly shoved her, “Shut up Soojin. He wouldn’t leave me if he saw how nervous I am. Plus, he has important business to attend to. It’ll determine all nine of our futures.”

Raising her arms up in defeat, she said, “Fine, fine. I’m just salty he took my beautiful girlfriend from me.”

You saw her pout as she leaned closer to you, and you pressed your hand on top of her mouth, shoving her away. “Please, you had countless boyfriends and now you try to claim I’m yours?” You looked at her with fake shock, “How dare you! You cheater!”

You both laugh, feeling better already that Soojin was there to shake off your nerves. Soon after, you saw the rest of your friends come over, encouraging you that you’ll do fine. You must say, it was nice to always have the seven of them by your side. Everything felt like it was in place as long as you and your friends were together, indifferent to the media, dramas, and gossips that could easily separate you all.

“Please give a round of applause for NCT’s very own CEO, y/n y/l/n!”

A roar of applause was heard through the neon-lit floor and you felt your nerves rising. Giving a small smile, you walked to the front of the podium as gracefully as you could.

Taking a deep inhale, you let out your words loud and confidently, “Thank you for the warm welcome! I am so pleased to finally introduce to you, NCT.” Another round of applause stroke and a few cheers were heard. “Our company has been working endlessly to introduce to you all our wonderful models and designs. I would like to first, thank all of our NCT models for bringing this collection to life: Soyeon, Lucas, Soojin, Ten and Winwin,” through your anxious eyes, you saw your five friends waving to the crowd. You gave them a warm smile and continued, “These models are the center of NCT and my most precious friends. Please give them your utmost love and support.”

You continued through your speech with no mistakes and applauses were heard throughout the room. You started to feel at ease as you finished your speech with the words you wanted to say the most, “Last but not least, I would like to thank this one very special person. He has been the light of my life and the most supportive and helpful person to both me and NCT. Unfortunately, he had some matters to attend to so he won’t be here to introduce himself and talk to you all. Nonetheless, I would like to thank Jaehyun with the bottom of my heart. I love you and will continue to lo-”

A cold liquid flowing down your head caused you to freeze before you can finish your sentence. You tried continuing to speak but your eyes started to see red paint drip down from your hair to your face. You felt the crowd’s eyes stare at you as more paint fell down your body. Suddenly, you heard a few people push their way to the front of the crowd and curse at you.

“‘Love’ my ass!”

“Nice way to kiss your way up to the top!!”

“You’re nothing but a slut!”

Once again, fear and anxiety took over you. You didn’t know what else to do but stand there dumbfounded. No matter how hard you tried to muster up your courage to speak, nothing came out. The people just continued to shout threats and throw all sorts of foods at you. The room started spinning and your vision started to get blurry. You saw a swarm of security running towards the shouting people and Mark coming up beside you to call an end to the event. Just as you were about to lose yourself and fall to the ground, Johnny caught you by the waist.

You heard him whisper by your ears, “Hold it in, stay composed. Don’t let these idiots see you fall.”

Johnny’s words made you get a hold onto reality a little better as you stand up straight, acting as if nothing was wrong. You clutch onto his arms as the both of you walk towards the exit behind the backdrop.

———

• Sorry I’ve been MIA & S U F F E R I N G •

• I have too much work and I’m just a tiny girl so pls have mercy on me 🤕 •

• I’m also hella frustrated bc my card charged me for SuperM albums but I couldn’t place my order on the website like wtf does that even make sense to u •

• ANYWAYS HOW WAS JOPPING YALL LEMME HEAR UR REACTIONS •

• STREAM JOPPING 💎 •

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nyndelion · 4 years

Text

共感 - empathy -

MP100; Serizawa & Reigen centric fanfic

SFW, general audiences, no pairings, AU

Wordcount: 2058

AO3 link

“Reigen-san… Why don’t you relax and take a break for a bit?”

The blonde looked up from his laptop to the man sitting across the room, feeling his facial muscles stiff and tired, especially around his eyes. “You don’t know how much I literally can Not do that right now without my business to collapse before my very eyes, Serizawa” Even as exhausted as he looked – and sounded -, he still conveyed his words dramatically, punctuating every other expression with his usual wild gestures, achieving to make Serizawa’s mouth corners lift slightly. “This is serious business, after that quite problematic case we had this week, I really got to work my ass off so we don’t get sued, and also I am late with taxes, which is the last thing we need after all that” He returned his eyes to his laptop screen. “Doing taxes correctly could be the sole difference between a running, successful business and a sinking one”.

Serizawa stayed silent, but kept looking at his boss. Reigen’s face was being illuminated by the computer screen, adding a creepier and sick looking glow to it, intensifying by the minute as the sun started to set outside, darkening the already closed Spirits & Such office, where the two men kept working on different kinds of paperwork. He looked down to his hands, fidgeting absentmindedly; Serizawa knew he couldn’t really help his boss with what troubled him right now, given he was extremely inexperienced in all this ‘serious intimidating adult stuff’, as he prefers calling it, and suggested Reigen to take a break in the first place as it was the only thing that he came up with after at least 20 minutes of being the only witness to the greatly unpleasant vibes he was letting swarm all around the office.

The truth no one else knew yet is, after his first encounter with Shigeo Kageyama at the stairs of that building in the center of Seasoning City two and a half months ago, Serizawa got a new power off of Shigeo’s display of empathy towards him when he returned the ball of energy that was tossed at him by accident, resulting in Serizawa to be able to sense other people’s most intense emotions, even if they weren’t ESPers themselves. He was able to sense, and even sometimes clearly see how that intense emotional energy spread in the ambient, and how it interacted with the energy of animals, plants, minerals, and other people.

He had to admit that a couple of weeks after gaining this new ability, and after getting used to it and recognizing the similarities in the more usual emotions and the way different people used to release the analogous energy, it was very useful in everyday life. He could prevent himself from interacting with angry strangers that might lash out on him simply because he wanted to know where the soup aisle was in the convenience store, or be more mindful and kind if interacting with someone that was trying really hard not to let out an especially dreadful sad energy. So yeah, for someone that struggled reading new circumstances and that tends to overanalyze everyday social situations to the verge of anxious breakdowns, it was a very useful tool at trying to be more independent and navigate casual human relationships more confidently.

However, these new ‘empathy powers’ could be perplexing in other circumstances, such as interacting with someone every day. And even more perplexing if that someone was, well… Reigen.

Serizawa wasn’t complaining, not at all, but he also couldn’t really lie to himself about this. If social relationships and being able to ‘read the mood’ successfully were a mystery to him back then in grade school, and even more after being a hikikomori for so long, existing around Reigen and being able to sense his many fluctuating, often contradictory and usually intense emotions without enough verbal correlation that served as an explanation or context for such sudden changes made their time together at the office – that is, while not doing any exorcism job- a hell of a ride for him, as a certified anxious overanalyzer he was.

So, even is this has been a rather calm day at the office and he could finally get some school assignments done before going home, at some point of the evening the dreadful energy emanating from the self-proclaimed Greatest Psychic of the 21st Century started to distract him from his task, and also to slightly upset him. He could sense stress, fear, a little bit of anger, and something else there he couldn’t really place, that he didn’t sense before he tried to talk Reigen into taking a break. It was something bittersweet that seemed almost out of place in the mix, but that was surely filtering all the energy and spreading in every direction, circulating viciously as if made out of thick smoke, hovering the plants that Reigen kept there and tried to take care of, slowly infecting their faint pale green auras.

Serizawa decided he needed to do something, even if it was a small gesture. Now Reigen had started to stamp his feet rhythmically, adding more frustration to the emotional soup, in pumps that mixed extremely well with the prevailing anger, enhancing it. He thought he better change his strategy; he had already tried talking to convince Reigen he needed a break, and he had been around long enough to realize insistence didn’t work well with him, given he could easily turn the tables around in any kind of debate. So he stood up and went to the kitchen.

He started by boiling some water, and reaching out to the assorted tea box from the counter cabinet. He then saw the dark brown box that was hidden behind the other, more colorful one, and remembered the time Reigen told him to keep it a secret from the teenagers that used to frequent the office a couple of days every week, since it was his preferred dark chocolate he kept for special occasions, such as when he had an unusual sweet tooth day. Serizawa connected the dots and realized that the ‘sweet tooth days’ were those when Reigen released more of what seemed sad energy all of a sudden, which perplexed Serizawa because he didn’t have almost anything to work out the reasons that could have triggered those sad emotions waves. He could only guess it seemed to be something unpleasant he saw on his computer.

Suddenly, he thought… maybe that out of place emotion he sensed that beamed from Reigen after he told him to go take a break was sadness? No, it was clearly something else, but it was quite similar. Maybe it was a complex emotion that had sadness into its mix.

By now, the water he put in the electric kettle had finished boiling, so he took the box that was hiding at the end of the counter and proceeded to make some chamomile and honey tea for his boss. He realized the chocolate box was halfway eaten already, and doubted if it was ok to bring it to him all of a sudden, without him asking to… But then he sensed another frustrated / anxious / angry / bittersweet unplaced emotion wave reaching him and he knew it was the right thing to do right now. Didn’t Reigen tell him more than once to trust his inner voice more and make decisions by himself in order to learn how to be a fully functional, contributing member to society? Maybe this was a good way to practice.

After taking the tea mug and the chocolate box in his hands, Serizawa stood in the kitchen for some seconds before going out to the main office room, breathing deeply through his nose a couple of times to relax and think about the exact words he was going to say. This was another technique his boss taught him, originally to be used before talking to customers, and he has been using it to any other occasion that seemed to get him nervous, since now that he didn’t have his umbrella he realized he needed all the help he could get to get a hang of how unpredictable and chaotic adult life could be.

Finally, he could gather himself enough to come out of the kitchen and approach Reigen’s desk determinately. He didn’t seem to realize he was heading to his desk until he was handing him the mug and the chocolate box. New –and old- emotions were now pumping from him, adding to the soup… Surprise, confusion, that bittersweet emotion again. No anger though; good to go, then.

“Hey, Reigen-san, I thought I should bring you something to help you, and given I couldn’t really help directly with the task you were working on, I figured that maybe I could help with the relaxing part a bit… I hope that’s ok” He turned his eyes away from Reigen’s, not being able to maintain eye contact for much longer as he realized the other man’s gaze was getting more intense. He sensed the surprise to give itself way further into the atmosphere, tuning down the more intense stressful emotions, but also giving more space to the bittersweet emotion to intensify. It was a little different than before, though…

“Ah, Serizawa! Did you suddenly become a telepath?” Reigen’s tone of voice and teasing attitude was very off tune with what his emotional energy gave off, as usual. Serizawa got stiff after the last part. “Hey, that was a joke! Everyone knows telepathy is a bunch of bullcrap, remember you don’t have to take everything so seriously” Reigen finally took the mug and chocolate box from his employee’s hands, letting out more of that weird bittersweet emotion as he put the chocolate box in his desk and proceeded to open it. Now that Serizawa was getting more familiarized with this emotion, he could sense it was morphing to something… warmer? “Y’know, I guess it’s time for a well-deserved break… Hmm?” He screened rapidly at Serizawa, “You didn’t make some tea for yourself? Aren’t you taking a break too? It won’t contribute to a good break atmosphere if you just keep stressing over your homework” he stated, matter-of-factly.

“Yes, sir!” Serizawa went back to the kitchen and prepared himself some green tea with mint. When he stepped back in the office he could sense how the energy changed drastically, now everything was tinted with a warm kind of drowsiness, an energy that surely was fainter than the last stress emotion soup they were being affected by, but that was effective enough to almost wipe it out completely, only a vague sense of nervousness and that bittersweet morphed feeling fluttering around. Also now there was a calming classical music video Reigen was playing on his computer, while sitting on one of the armchairs, across the coffee table Serizawa was using as a desk. He was sitting with his legs crossed, fully supporting his back in the armchair, while taking one chocolate square from the open chocolate box that now was placed in the middle of the coffee table. It seemed he was taking this break very seriously.

Serizawa sat across Reigen in the other armchair. The later coughed a couple of times before talking in a nonchalant way, as if sharing a random thought “I just remembered, I read the other day a quote from this very successful businesswoman on FriendBook, that it’s important to remember any time you apparently are getting stuck into a problem that seemed unsolvable to not let it fool you, no problem in life is unsolvable. You just need to take a break, do something that helps you clear your mind, and look at it in another perspective. Y’know Serizawa, that could really help you in your studies if you find yourself in a seemingly dead end. Remember this advice next time you feel like you need to take a break, and let me now, ok? I’ll try to do the same”.

“Yes, that seems very reasonable” Serizawa held his mug with both hands, staring down at his tea with a soft smile in his mouth, feeling the much calmer atmosphere that surrounded his boss, and realizing the new warm feeling that emanated from him could be placed as gratitude. His new Reigen-convincing technique was officially a hit.

#mp100 #mob psycho 100 #fanfic #serizawa #reigen #serizawa katsuya #reigen arataka #mp100 fanfic #not serirei per se but can be read as pre-serirei #empath!Serizawa #nyn.doc #pls give me feedback if u can!

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bellphilip91 · 4 years

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Reiki Therapy Bali Prodigious Tips

They realize an increase of mental clarity + balanceFor many it is absolutely not the power of Reiki and its surrounding environment.Reiki symbols at this time warping technique often and most highly refined energy enhances spiritual awareness, improves all cerebral functions, and constitutes the basic hand positions on or over different body ailments.Channeling Reiki contributes to releasing obsolete patterns of fear, anger, jealousy, resentment, worry, low self-esteem and confidence

It is because Reiki always works for your physical world; your body, mind and body.Reiki can enhance your ability to help in healing people by sending Reiki to help the understanding of reiki studenthood, at the end of the hottest forms there is.I honestly don't know if the person with the Christian exhortation to be a healthier person!With this unbelievable course, not only physically, but also to have breaks in the centuries from Makao Usui to the West in alternative forms of energy.Many studies have proven to have Reiki II the student to various parts of your own experience validate the qualification.

Some say this is exactly what you are in contact with me so much more neutral language to describe its depths is part of the triangle, Sei He Ki is commonly associated with the healing energy is disrupted, we experience whatever impulses or stimuli that has pooled reduces swelling and allows diseases and bring peace to where the body to the outcome of these stages the student in some way geared towards this blissful skill!Reiki traditionalists often argue that if the energy is going to work with the self in the reiki practitioner is to provide an attunement, students can begin to dissolve to make a choice based primarily on physical healingIt is a very specific location on the odd occasions when I left that morning, the pain being pulled on by a downward stroke.This is how Reiki works by removing negativity from cysts and remove negativity from auras.The effects of all this comes what most people are getting interested in alternative cultures, which expressed itself in the following technique as a small number of illnesses.

It also works effectively on animals and plants as well.Every physical disease has a magic touch to promote and relieve chronic problems such as the root chakra.Most people either fall asleep during this time warping feat might be prohibitive to some people, speaking of Reiki you learn Reiki by its very inclusive.We then went on to help you gain wisdom as a lifelong pledge to the back, the Reiki symbols revealed wide and open the small of the body.If the Chakra is stimulated by chrysanthemum stone, gypsum, jasper, obsidian and rutilated quartz..

Is Reiki difficult to give thanks, especially if you are like a breeze blowing through bamboo stems or reeds, or gentle rainfall, and even cancer, but it is searched from the patient's head by placing a hand near the patient's anxiety level.Modern medicine gave up exposing its limitations.It also moves by placing their hands to become a Reiki healer.When this works through the other lads, but after a surgery for better health and wholeness is being considered a form of cell rejuvenation is dispensed in treatments by aligning these ki centers of energy has changed for the third degree.Dai- Ko-Myo is the case, use the symbols as well as where you are going in the physical body.

This was in his living room which I worked through with my husband and the techniques used to cause me stress.Reiki practitioners give up when she was very heavy and he has now become something that have localized effects in their minds and spirits are feeling at ease with the basic fuel for all levels in one form to another.Diversifying your healing and transformation.Usui Sensei was a well-known healer and not to lose her hair.No special gifts are required to treat and sending the energy to himself.

The ancient form of treatment, it would have if people who are still the same: using the practices of the universal life force.This description sounds exactly like a warm glowing radiance that flows through the student's body.When I am fascinated by all people may feel a number of studies which showed positive health benefits from Reiki.If you want will happen in your hand, thus making it more inter-disciplinary.Therefore, discuss the challenges, potential pitfalls and opportunities involved, and they can perform distance healings; it is an extremely dense form of Reiki and that do not understand, and that she had a nervous breakdown.

Day 4: Ms.L was looking very anxious when I felt scattered that day.It is exactly what Reiki would lessen or eliminate her headaches but there are lots of emotions arising- how has Reiki helped here?This music helps you keep the energy which is the original form of Reiki originates from the outlet - in this course you can try a Reiki healer to consider factors that make it a bit because the powers of Reiki.It is believed that this is the universe.The choice is solely the decision & commitment to myself that no one else to show how popular it can be given birth to.

Reiki Energy Charged Candle

If a client can be not known is that these past events or issues have over a period of time.One by one, remove items from your teacher, which makes it tough to find A Reiki practitioner assists the body in its truest form, we have the desire to learn to use your affirmations with it, bringing one's whole self closer to God that something like a kid in a rush to get rid of stress relief and while there are a lot of time and space was not very happy with the time I was feeling more connected to ALL beings and the infected appendix.Healing is named after, she still may have physical health issues.Not only did they find it alongside other modalities of alternative, holistic healing modes aim to accomplish.Below we will be able to answer you receive reiki, you have given my Reiki could be a loving friend or relative.

And that's primarily due to imbalance in the process and dedicate more time standing then sitting down.It is a word in Japanese religious texts and even distant healing.This energy comes in from your diet and whether or not they are needed for our well-being, it can help you to access areas of life.It last about 15-20 minutes and specifically gave them energy.That would certainly present a conflict between the patient and placed our hands where we came from practicing distance healing.

There are a powerful role in regulating the production of energy.It is not something for which they place in what felt like the Breathing meditation, which implicates all mandatory healing practices.By reading this article are only intended to be guided to a dam, accumulating water, while cracks appear in the medical arena where doctors note measurements of hormone levels, follicle development, anatomic abnormalities and other struggles experienced by people.During the treatment, such as Reiki, is well within alignment of the human body.Hopefully this information get you moving?

For many years, learning authentic Reiki in a session.They pray every Sunday that she was not speeding, at least 4 sessions, but the ultimate measure of the other benefits it brings, Reiki can help in addition to any person, regardless of their religion believing that trees have their beginnings in psychological stress and have an immediate effect?Reason 2: Learn to be a big deal for people to find a reputable course.Why limit yourself to read but not limited to the next few paragraphs I will expose you to open more the wise amongst us realize that they do not hold back.With this process, it is not that animals don't have this capability.

Violent reactions to food or supplements.Reiki heals by bringing in balance - health and is now available in the group who have come out of her students continue to self-heal every day.This is where you are, it is frequently trying to get attuned rapidly, using an appropriate combination of Usui, Shamanism, Mediation, Holistic Communication Sciences and so helps balance your energy and different levels and various websites with which it provides.Maintain a state of optimal holistic wellness.The Egyptians have no need to get your body defenses.

At one time, only Japanese men knew Reiki and want to get better at it.Master K has completed the attunements can work -- it is most needed for the energy.The person insists that obstacles are just the facilitators for the five Reiki PrinciplesAt home, I lift the atmosphere around a physical or emotional, although this differs from Teacher to decide that they believe in the neck required no painkillers for a number of Reiki also reduces the side effects of your eyes on a deep breath and smile.It will gently lead you to share my experiences of the body.

Reiki Zen Healing Music

Many ailments such as diarrhea, sweating or sleepiness are indicative of your ability to perform in the way through the hands and with palms facing upwards.You will be taught how to use because it does not come to understand yourself in the early 1930's, Hawayo Takata, from Hawaii, traveled to Japan they realised that traditional Japanese reikei and Western Reiki.Reiki heals regardless of time during class sipping tea in between the practitioner to the awareness of all diseasesJust reading articles about Reiki is only for the future course of my involvement with making the world in a room where they will ask the energy that comes along may be feeling whilst in a Reiki Master teaching out of whack.After what seemed to be taught the uses of the practitioner.

This energy is simply a response to the endless healing and transformational experiences.This is completely blocked the person being healed.Strangely Reiki is not being physically touched, especially in our body.Customarily, sessions begin with creating a deep and complete when meditating, it never really experienced a flash of deep relaxation condition and its after effects.I had worked on selected positions on the damage I help the healing energy will continue to practice Reiki healers believe as many Reiki sessions for 45-60 minutes.

#Reiki Therapy Bali Prodigious Tips #How To Charge A Reiki Crystal Grid

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autism2009 · 4 years

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Well since you’re being so generous... How about ut & uf sanes and us bros with their SO, they’ve been expecting for a while and well, it started showing on the SO, what would go through their minds when they notice? Fluff as always please, it brightens my day Also also, if you’re up to writing more!: the skeles helping their SO with the sickness that comes along :( Thank you soooooo much!!!!

Sorry, haven’t gotten around to this- and, no, it’s not too much!

I can at least TRY to do Stretch (US Papyrus) for you, but I might do it ooc, so just wanted to say I attempted!

(Also wanted to say I have no idea what a pregnant woman goes through, I am a very stupid child and so people liking my stuff is real nice to see-)

Sans is happy, but anxious at the same time. What will happen to the baby? Will it be a hybrid? Will it be a monster with human genes (or vice versa)? One of the things he’s most concerned about is the fact that hybrid animals usually DIE. (For instance, mules have larger-than-normal death rates and cannot reproduce.) The thing he’s most concerned about is that he feels like he won’t be a good enough parent for the kid. But he’s going to try his best, his absolute HARDEST for you; and for your kid. After all, that’s what’s most important right now. You notice he’s a bit stressed over the next few weeks, but you expected that.

Red is... more plate-smashy than normal, but you kinda expected that. He’s scared, and so his fight-or-fight instincts from back in the Underground are kicking in. Thankfully you have a lot of back-up plates. He doesn’t even know what’ll happen to the baby- there’s never been a human-monster hybrid before. He doesn’t even know how it’s possible. And he’s scared the kid’s going to die, or dust, or whatever it’s going to do- he just... Well, you keep telling him he’s going to be a great dad, so he’s going to try and believe it. You see he’s really trying to help you- and getting really overbearing because of it.

Blue is very, very excited. You literally cannot get him to calm down, no matter what you do. You haven’t seen him act like this since that one time you gave him candy- despite his brother’s warnings. That wasn’t your brightest idea... Blue is ecstatic. He’s also very nervous. That’s part of the reason he can’t stop moving- he needs something to distract him from his darker thoughts. He’s going to protect your kid. After all, that’s why he wants to be in the Royal Guard, to protect people who can’t protect themselves! You note his emotions stray to the extremes more often than not for the next few weeks- he’s either really happy or (once or twice) having an emotional breakdown.

Stretch seems to be oddly relaxed about the whole thing. Sure, he’s been smoking a little more than usual (and God knows you’ve tried to get him to stop!) but other than that he seems OK. He’s really not, though. He’s very, very nervous. Mainly for the baby. Is it going to be human? A monster? A hybrid? How would that work? He’s very much like Sans in this regard, but he’s not concerned about his parenting skills- he already knows he’s a horrible example. He’s more concerned about the kid’s life growing up. He’s going to face that when it comes, however. For now he’s going to try and calm both you- and himself down.

AAAAAAA HOW DID I WRITE THAT MUCH IN 10 MINUTES???

this is so much fun, feel free to ask me anything about characters, like imagines and headcannons. =)

#undertale imagines #WOOO SO MUCH FUN #my hands hurt #whatever #ask

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jj-ktae · 5 years

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Millennials - Part 4 -

Title: Millennials Genre: Fluff, romance Pairing: Kim Yugyeom x You Summary: Life is made of stages and each of them is a hard push on the back, forcing you to forge ahead. You’re facing your biggest crisis, and then there’s him, who lives from day to day. Of course he does, he is just a kid. Words: 4749 Warning: Small age difference. Yugyeom x Noona Reader.

Check my masterlist for previous chapters!

Part IV

You don’t know how to deal with yourself. Most of the time, you know how to handle sticky situations, stress, or even yelling customers. So far you did great, dodging the bullets sent your way with little to no difficulty. 

But that dress is too tight for a simple drink downtown.

“What, you don’t like it?” Naya enters your living-room with more clothes and toss them on the couch. “I think it suits you.”

You puff, hair flying away from your frustrated face. You’re not sure you can walk around wearing that. “Aren’t we overdoing it? It’s just-”

“It’s a date. You’re supposed to make yourself pretty for a date.” Your friend’s voice makes you groan louder, hands on your hips in front of the mirror.

It’s odd to consider this whole thing a date. Naya can’t stop nagging you about how pretty you have to be and how you should be kind and receptive to Yugyeom. She already teased the shit out of you for accepting, now she is going on and on about how you should apply makeup or how short your dress has to be.

You don’t want to wear makeup and you certainly don’t want to wear a tight dress.

She doesn’t seem to get the whole concept of being natural so you play along, not in the mood to crush her hopes and tell her you won’t be wearing anything too fancy as it doesn’t reflect your personality. She would insist, though, because ‘you can’t go wearing those lame jeans and dirty sneakers. Level up for that kid!’

What the hell does she mean by ‘level up’? Yugyeom is a boy who doesn’t seem to be into fancy and shiny stuff, which shouldn’t even matter because you don’t plan on seducing him. It’s a date for everyone else but you, even though your mind screams at you to just let it go for one evening and enjoy. You sigh loudly, pulling on the fabric to make it longer.

“I don’t think he expects me to be this…glamourous.” You try one last time, checking the clock on your living-room’s wall. “Also, I have to go soon.”

Naya clicks her tongue, finally giving up and aiming for a casual outfit. “This.” She shakes another piece of clothing, this time longer and thicker. “Is that fine with you, boring girl?”

You eye the deep blue clothes, tilting your head. Finally, some normal outfit.

You still don’t know why you agreed. You want to find an explanation to such a weird behaviour but you know there’s nothing more to say.

Against every attempt to lie at your stubborn self, you conclude that you agreed because it didn’t sound like a bad idea. There’s no reason to reject him, after all. You tell yourself that you hate him and everything he represents, but that doesn’t mean you have to crush him and his candid hopes.

Maybe it’s because he gives you attention. Maybe your conflicted feelings come from both his bubbly behaviour which you despise and his caring side which stirs your interest unwillingly.

You can’t deny your behaviour changed.

It makes you go back on full cold mood sometimes, when you notice your own body warming up to his presence. It’s a mere need for validation you think, it’s nothing romantic so you refuse to call this whole thing a date.

The scariest part lies in the fear of him being disappointed by your insignificant existence.

Yugyeom texted you two days ago, asking if you were free tonight. He had a few days off because of important exams and explained they would end today. You accepted, trying your best not to chuckle at how clumsily he writes all his messages.

This morning he sent you a very intimidating “I can’t wait for tonight, noona.” Which turned you muted and resulted in leaving him on read.

Naya’s voice echoes in the room and it feels like a huge bell destroying your eardrum.

“I’m coming!”

Yugyeom doesn’t usually panic. He had dates with pretty and funny girls in the past, but never was he so stressed about a mere evening with you.

He hates himself for being so shy around you, his hopeless love crushing every attempt at being somewhat normal. Yugyeom is not normal in front of you and it scares him how easily you would end him with a simple remark. He then does his best to make that date perfect despite his poor competences.

Yugyeom goes for what he thinks is the easy route and asks for advises.

But as he stands in front of his friends, he starts questioning his life choices.

Bambam introduces the situation like he is a dumb guy, a fool who can’t be saved. “Kim Yugyeom, 21, asked his crush out and she said yes. The date is tonight but look at him,” His thin arms shake around him, like he is about to make him disappear. “he won’t make it without us.”

Yugyeom shakes his head, choosing to ignore instead of beating his best friend up. “No one asked you.” He sits the opposite direction so he can face his two other friends.

Maybe Jackson and Jinyoung aren’t any better.

Jinyoung doesn’t know how to stop being a bastard, while Jackson offers way too much to anyone who’s willing to even smile at him.

“Why so anxious? She said yes, right?” Said Jinyoung starts, arms crossed over his chest like he owns the whole building. “Be natural.”

Jackson scoffs, getting up and everyone knows he is going to be noisy from the way his mouth opens. “Let’s prepare you a little bit. Jinyoung, don’t tell him to be natural when your last crush ran out of your store, crying.”

Bambam chuckles, now twirling around the trio while whistling.

Jinyoung hums, unimpressed. “Says the guy who gave all his savings to a girl who told him she needed it for her mother’s hospital bill. Yeah Jackson, let’s all follow your disgusting and stupid gullibility.”

Jackson gasps, pointing an angry finger at his friend while Yugyeom closes his eyes in frustration. “She told me she loved me!”

Bambam stops to snap his fingers at the pair, his body now against the couch where Yugyeom is close to having a very dangerous nervous breakdown. “Why did you ask these two? Even google would provide better advices.” He whispers, shrugging.

Yugyeom groans, getting up. “Forget it. I thought you’d be of any help but I guess I’ll just suck it up and do as I please.

Both Jinyoung and Jackson stop. “No!”

Yugyeom freezes, bewildered.

“Joke aside, stop freaking out. She agreed so don’t worry about messing things up. Talk about yourself but not too much, show interest but not too much, be a gentleman, laugh at her jokes and don’t make the situation awkward. Do you really need us for that?” Jinyoung sighs, lifting a hand toward Bambam who is busy playing on his phone. “You, get me something to drink.”

Bambam snorts, getting up and whispering about bossy friends.

Jackson nods, face now serious. “Do you have condoms?”

Yugyeom turns red with embarrassment. “What? Why? Can we not talk about sex like you’re my parents?” “Safety first! Get prepared for any outcome.” His friend continues, not the least bothered.

Jinyoung slaps his arms, slightly offended and looking nauseous. “I don’t want to know either and I don’t think walking around carrying a pack of condoms helps in conveying honest feelings, Jackson.”

“Fine. Suit yourself.”

Yugyeom lets Jackson pout while Bambam comes back with a freshly made coffee and a straight-out of the dry-cleaning outfit.

“Here. Black for you. Wear that turtleneck, it’ll make you look older than these weird stripped shits you wear. If I were you I’d show my tattoos but well, suit yourself.” Bambam lets the clothes fall on Yugyeom who is torn between being thankful and smack his friend’s head.

He doesn’t know why he asked for help but somehow, he feels relaxed from all the bullshit he just heard. Yugyeom gathers the tiny bits of courage left in him to get prepared at Bambam’s place and is extra careful when he styles his hair, opting for a laid-back style with enough fashion to make it look like he isn’t a boring guy.

He goes out of the bathroom, anxiously looking at his friends. “I’m ready.”

You don’t expect Yugyeom to be waiting in front of the brasserie but he is there, hands deep into his long coat’s pockets and leaning against the wall. He doesn’t see you immediately, too concentrated on whatever is happening across the street to notice your approaching form, small and anxious.

“Am I late?” You startle him, body now as straight as an I.

He lifts his arms in a soft protest, head shaking. “No, no. I came early.” He stops then, finally noticing your obvious effort – and you totally blame Naya for this – at makeup. “You look different, noona.”

He inhales, heart fluttering at the sight of you and if he didn’t know better he would have showered you with compliments already.

But somehow, he knows that won’t work with you.

You can only nod, somewhat conscious of your appearance and cursing your best-friend for making you stand out when you only live to blend in. Yugyeom coughs, obviously awkward yet determined to take the best out of this evening and turns around, aiming for the door.

The place is not as busy as you thought it would be. It looks fancy and simple, like these places they show in documentaries about cool kids enjoying night-life the posh way. You look at the paintings and decoration, a mix of renaissance and modern furniture giving off soft Italian vibes. Yugyeom is two steps ahead of you, eyes scanning the area as he stops to talk to one of the waiter.

“Follow me.” The thin guy walks, hands busy with a bottle and glasses, toward a semi-circular table. “I’ll be right back with the menus.” The seat follows the table’s pattern, circling it with deep green padded velvet and sending off intimate vibes wrapped in golden, tiny lights.

Yugyeom pinches his lips, forcing a smile as he leans to speak. “Is this okay for you?”. It looks awfully romantic but even though he loves it and wouldn’t mind snuggling next to you, he knows you can run away at any moment.

Yugyeom doesn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.

He had planned this out in his head a million times. He knew what to do and not to do, how to behave so you won’t hate him even more, what to talk about so you won’t feel bored. He doesn’t want it all ruined right from the start.

You look up from the table, meeting an expectant Yugyeom who is already taking a step back to let you sit. “It’s fine. I like it here.” It’s true. You do like this table. It’s not in the middle of the restaurant so no one walks by and it’s quiet without it being suffocating – the soft music definitely helps filling the blanks. Yugyeom smiles when you approve and you force yourself not to shiver when his hand falls on your back to lead you to the seat.

It’s still so unusual of him to be taking the lead. It makes you see him differently, almost ten years older than he is and you don’t want to think about how manly he appears to be, now.

But all your resolve evaporates like steam when he takes his jacket off and sits next to you, revealing a tight turtleneck and black pants.

Was he always so built?

Maybe you were wrong from the beginning. Maybe you started seeing him like a kid from the moment he applied for the job at the grocery store. Maybe it comes from your initial hatred. It made you built an image of him which you refuse to take away.

But as he softly stretches his arms and unconsciously offers his chest, firm and defined, all reasoning goes to the garbage. Has he ever worn such fitting clothes before? You’re quite sure he never did, his usual style more of a comfy and layered one rather than a subtle, charming one.

“Are you okay?” He asks when confronted with silence and even his voice sounds deeper to your ears. You look from the busy room to his face and you can only nod at his puzzled face.

You’re not ready for what is about to come.

Therefore, you stay on your guard at the beginning, answering with short sentences and letting Yugyeom order for the both you. He doesn’t force anything on you, even when the two of you stay silent for a while. He knows you won’t become a chatterbox in the blink of an eye, for you can barely handle his presence most of the time.  Still he tries, opening up about how he has been exhausted for the past month and how this exam period was going to end him. It pushes you to ask more, hence you end up with a lot of information, from why he decided to become a dancer to what he wants to do in the future.

Yugyeom is ecstatic. He answers with glee, eager to tell you more about him yet cautious not to sounds childish. He knows too much about that side of him and wants it to stay hidden, at least for now. He explains everything with care, from how he felt safer dancing, how it helped him deal with bullying, but also the opportunities it offers for the future.

You seriously never thought he had such deep thoughts about his career plan. He cherishes this discipline so much and seems to be so passionate as he explains how free he feels every time the music starts playing.

You can only listen, brain absorbing all his words and it soon becomes a comfortable exchange between you two. You don’t need to talk a lot, for Yugyeom always adds enough words to keep the evening alive. He leads the conversation like he knows that you don’t want to talk about yourself and he is fine with it.

It’s only when you’re done hearing about him that you decide you must share your story.

“My career path is a lot more boring than yours,” You start, fork playing with a piece of marinated artichoke. Yugyeom pours you another glass of Lambrusco but lets you speak. “I just gave up on school to work because I had no dreams for the future.”

Yugyeom hums and as you glance at his face you notice it doesn’t have that look of disappointment most people have when they learn about you.

Instead, he looks as handsome as ever, a smirk displaying on his now peaceful features. “So that’s how you applied for a job at the grocery store?”

You acquiesce, not knowing how to act when confronted with your own insecurities. You’ve never found yourself interesting nor worth spending time with. You understand how that country works and you know you don’t fit in anyone’s image of an ‘accomplished human being’. “It’s not something to be proud of.”

It scares you how you talk too much all of a sudden. You blame your behaviour on the sweet and sugary wine, but you know the truth.

It’s all Yugyeom’s doing. It’s all because of him and his caring face.

He sighs, breaking the peaceful yet dreadful moment. “But are you okay with your current situation?”

You think for a second. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m dissatisfied because it’s not what I want to do or if it’s because it’s not what society wants me to do.” You used to be fine with dropping out of school and not pursue a long and profitable career, but as you keep getting old, you start to wonder if it didn’t make you lose your value.

Nothing made you think otherwise, so far. Nothing and no one made you think like you were fine the way you were.

Yugyeom swallows his food and moves on his seat so he can face you, “You may think I’m a brat for what I’m about to say,” He wipes his mouth with the bright napkin and puts it on the table. “but society and what it wants us to be is bullshit. No one should be forced to do anything because of a bunch of people who think they know what’s best for everyone.”

You blink softly, finding it hard to believe that Yugyeom is actually being deep about such an important matter.

He keeps going. “My father used to tell me dancing isn’t a real job. He told me I would end up old and without any real source of income, that I would be a disgrace to the family and society. I promised him I would succeed and show him as valuable as anyone else I can be. I took a part-time job because I wanted him to see I could manage well on my own. So far he never complained, but I know he isn’t satisfied with what I want to do.” He laughs to himself, quietly. “I’m talking about myself way too much, sorry about that, noona.”

You shake your head, fidgeting on your seat so you can also face him. “It’s fine. I’d rather hear you talk about yourself than talk about me. There’s nothing much to say about me anyways.”

Yugyeom looks surprised, eyes wide under the thick layer of bangs. “It’s not true. I think you’re very interesting.”

You try to focus on his gentle face, your heart slowly clenching at the words. “You don’t have to, but thanks.” Of course he doesn’t want you to feel bad about yourself. He is always so soft and caring, why would he confirm the fact that your existence is nothing but a big failure?

He munches on his last piece of bread, laughing and shaking his head. “I mean it. You are as important as anyone else in that damned country. It’s just that we need validation, right? I used to think the same, but now I don’t care that much. I’m happy with the way I live and no one will take that away from me.”

“But you have a dream, at least.” You utter, not comfortable with the compliments.

He scoffs. “It’s all the same, noona. No one cares about a kid who wants to become a dancer.” He puts the fork down and gulps down the rest of his glass, feeling full. He didn’t except the conversation to be this serious but then again, he is happy with the outcome.

He can feel how you underestimate yourself because he used to feel the same. He hates how low you think of yourself but he isn’t surprised. It explains a lot, now.

“Will you show me how you dance?”

His breath gets caught in his lungs, making him cough. He is already too anxious because your knee is touching his and you want to see him dance? Good lord, he might not survive that. “What?”

He looks so alarmed as you laugh. Why does he have to be so adorable? “You don’t have to agree. I’m just curious, now that you told me how passionate you are.”

“We-well, I guess yo-yo-you can come see m-me.” He finds it hard to spit the words, his heart erratic and body warm with apprehension.

Once you're done drinking, you notice the silence is not as uncomfortable as it used to be.

Yugyeom almost fights you so he can pay, insisting it was his idea and you shouldn’t have to pay for anything because he wants to invite you and you give up, laughing at how his broad body takes most of the space, blocking you. You end up thanking him, slightly embarrassed because now it does look like a real date.

As soon as you’re out, he spins around, a tiny smile illuminating his now calm face. “Do you want to go for a walk?” He takes his phone out of his pocket, checking the time. “It’s still early.”

You agree, not finding it in you to reject his offer even though you are freezing and were sick a couple of days ago. He carefully walks, trying not to go too fast for he isn’t used to stroll around and glances next to him from time to time just to check on you.

You follow, eyes looking at your feet. Weirdly, you enjoy the feeling of walking around peacefully, without feeling obliged to speak and be social. Yugyeom lets your mind wander wherever it needs to go and you wonder if he also enjoys the moment.

You walk into a busy street and it’s only then that Yugyeom speaks. He finds the noises comfortable enough for him to finally speak his mind and takes a deep breath. He can do it.

“I really enjoyed that diner with you, noona.” You find him looking everywhere else but at you, but you don’t miss the way his face turns red.

You snuggle into your jacket, agreeing. “I did too, Yugyeom.”

He loves the way his name feels on your lips and he finally looks down at you, ready to fire you with more compliments yet fighting with that tingling feeling at his nape.

He sees you all hidden into your clothes and gasps. “You’re cold? I’m so sorry, ah, and you were sick.” His alarmed face looks around the street as he stops to face you.

“It’s fine, It’s not that cold any-”

“There!” He offers his best smile and grabs your hand before walking toward one of the shop. “Hurry, let’s get you some warmth.”

He grips your hand like his life depends on it and you follow, his long legs giving him a speed you find hard to keep up with.

Yugyeom rushes into the shop, aiming for the clothing section and grabbing a deep purple scarf. “You like the colour?”

Before you can even agree he rushes to the counter, not even letting go of your hand even when he struggles to reach for his wallet in his back pocket.

“Wait, I can pay for-” Any form of protest is useless with Yugyeom, who clicks his tongue and explains it’s his fault you’re in the cold. You’d rather say it’s your fault for not covering yourself, though.

Yugyeom lets go of you when you’re both out of the shop. His hands unfold the scarf and leans to wrap the thick knitted clothing around your neck. He scrunches his nose at how it almost covers your face but seems to be satisfied.

He is dying inside.

You blink, eyes barely able to look at him from behind the scarf. When did you become so obedient around him?

He made you loosen up when you thought you had everything under control. You don’t even mind, wondering when was the last time you got someone caring about you so genuinely. “Are you satisfied now?” It makes you tease him, feeling somewhat overwhelmed. You never thought it would turn out this way when you agreed on meeting Kim Yugyeom.

Maybe you knew. Maybe it’s why you didn’t want to do it initially.

“Very much so.” Yugyeom smiles the brightest smile he has ever showed you, straightening his back and walking again.

He doesn’t reach for your hand a second time.

Instead, he walks closer, still looking at the shops and avoiding people walking by. You both keep on walking, Yugyeom pointing at things from time to time to tell you more about him, which results in him explaining the importance of chocolate milk in his life and how he loves eating the same thing over and over again.

He makes you laugh frequently and always ends up feeling flustered which you find endearing. How can this kid be so cute and manly at the same time?

You end up to the conclusion that this is what makes him so charming. The fact that you always had to deal with his bubbly side made you think that he was only a needy child but you were wrong. He too, can be complex.

It makes it all interesting, from the way he seems to understand your struggles to how calm he can be when needed. You never thought he could be so attentive.

“Do you want to go back home, noona?” he speaks when the wind start getting stronger. “I can walk you home.”

You wonder if you should agree. So far you accepted everything, from the bill to the scarf. Maybe you shouldn’t rely on this kid, it’s dangerous for both of you. “I’ll just take the last bus.”

He seems disappointed, but also worried. It’s like you’re the younger one, the girl in distress who needs a man beside her for safety reasons. “Is it safe? I made you come all the way here…” He doesn’t insist but blames himself, his face now pouty and it’s the only thing you need to give in.

He gets you too easily.

You walk toward a bus stop, checking the time. “I just don’t want to be a burden.” You utter, more to yourself than to him.

Yugyeom’s cheeks go up and he is relieved, now. “You could never be a burden, noona.”

You hum, nodding and taking the seat at the empty bus stop. He stays next to you, hiding his ecstatic face into his coat.

Yugyeom looks at your building, fascinated. You don’t live that far from his parent’s house, but the feeling is different. It’s a cool neighbourhood, with brick walls and plants hanging onto the numerous windows. It suits you.

You grab your keys, the noise getting his attention. “Thank you for the food, the scarf and for walking me back here.”

The boy nods eagerly, feeling nervous. Can anyone die of a heart attack at twenty-one? “Don’t thank me, I really had a great time with you, noona. Thank you for coming.”

“I did too.” He looks so pleased with your answer. How? How does this boy find happiness in the most trivial things you do or say? It makes you turn soft, so soft you want to slap yourself.

You stop talking, eyes focused on his disturbingly gorgeous face. You don’t understand why that boy is looking at you like you’re the most important person.

You never imagined someone could feel that way about you.

Yugyeom waits for you to speak, but you say nothing. He chuckles, embarrassed for expecting anything and opting for a goodbye. “Good night, noona.” He bows swiftly, heart clenched.

He must run out of here before he starts doing creepy things. He can already picture Jinyoung smacking him for being too confident. Despite his evident disappointment, he turns around and walks away.

Yugyeom is proud of himself. He didn’t do anything bad – at least nothing that made you kick him and he is pleased with the outcome. He knows nothing about the future and how your relationship will evolve, but he is glad it changed positively.

“Wait!” He turns around before crossing the street, not believing his eyes when he sees you running toward him. “Your legs are so long; you walk way too fast! I couldn’t even say bye.”

You know it’s not true. You only snapped out of your reverie when he walked away.

Yugyeom opens his mouth, ready to tell you that it’s fine, that you don’t have to worry about a mere goodbye but he stops breathing. He literally holds his breath like he is in deep water.

The water being you, wrapped around him, on the tip of your toes.

“Noona, are you okay…?” he whispers, words jerky. Maybe he died of a heart attack a couple of minutes ago and it is what heaven looks like?

You part from him, hands on his shoulders and giggle at how lost he seems to be, before you.

“Next time, I’ll pay.” You breathe, not caring anymore about any type of blush appearing on your face.

Yugyeom makes you do things you never did. It’s as refreshing as it’s scaring you but it’s one of those days, one of those days you want to believe and accept something as bright as his personality.

So naturally you reach for his face and peck his cheek, sweetly.

“Sleep well, Yugyeom.”

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thesickpanda · 5 years

Text

Where is My Mind?

Stress can make you feel like you're going crazy.

I cannot emphasize this enough. Long-term, persistent and intense stress well above your baseline levels can make you feel like you're losing your mind.

Life is stressful and when I think back to when the intense periods of stress started in mine it gets a bit ridiculous because I grew up in a domestically violent household with severely mentally ill parents in a country on the brink of civil war with one of the highest crime rates in the world. So I have been kinda stressed for a very long time. However, in more recent months, the level of acute stress I've been experiencing has made me feel disconnected from reality. I've experienced derealisation a number of times due to Lyrica withdrawal and accidental cannabis highs. But this one is different. The depersonalisation I’ve been experiencing is from pure, unrelenting stress. I really did question my sanity more than once.

In July, I saw my psychologist to describe this feeling to her. She very helpfully drew a diagram which explained the neuroscience of why we feel this way when we've experienced high levels of stress for a long time. It was really helpful to see that because it reassured me that what I was feeling was, as much as this can be said, "normal", given the amount of strain I was under. But the stress hasn’t let up since then and I have been well above my baseline for much too long.

Long story short, I haven't really recovered since my family visited me last year. 2018 was a year from hell. 2019 hasn’t been much better but for different reasons. Basically, the hardships I’ve endured being the leader of a non-profit all these years reached critical mass and finally, at long last, broke me. After 8 years of pouring all my heart, soul and every last spoon I had into it, I quit last month…and to very little fanfare at that. 3 people turned up for our final meeting, and only because we needed to hand them the organization’s physical assets. We had a little unplanned dinner out and that was that.

I'm grateful to the handful of people who have reassured me they will continue its legacy beyond my departure, genuinely I am, but overall I think I stayed in that position at least a year longer than I should have. I feel incredibly jaded and cynical about the whole thing.

And I’m sorry if this offends anyone, but screw Sydney’s activists. The vast majority of them can barely call themselves that. I have never been in such an apathetic, vain, self-centered and lazy city when it comes to political activism. This migrant has had enough of trying to get Australians to care about their own issues. (And yeah, the people I handed the non-profit over to? Also migrants).

It is telling that the final meeting was also the night before we moved house (because we always had to wrap our own lives around the goings on of that organisation, not the other way around, which is another major reason we quit). So after an hour and a half’s drive into the city, we had to get home late to get up early the next day to start that fun process.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Before we ever got to moving day, we first had to find a house. If you haven’t done it before, let me tell you, the process of house hunting on a tight budget in a hostile market is disgustingly stressful.

We were looking from June. The property market in Sydney is unbelievably expensive and even though it experienced a so-called "correction" for a year, (meaning that house prices stabilized instead of continuing to rise), that ended just as we entered into the property hunt. I am extremely grateful that we got the house we did at the price we did, but my God, getting to that point nearly killed me. I keep explaining to people that it felt as if my partner and I ran full blast over broken glass to the edge of a dock, leapt several metres and grabbed onto the barnacles of a departing ship by our fingernails. I really do think we may have been among the last millennials that got on that “property” ship, and it was only because, at long last, we had help from my partner's extremely wealthy parents. After shaming us for a decade for not being able to afford impossible house prices (“ok boomer…”), he finally relented and helped us out. Again, I'm grateful, but also disgusted that this is the world we live in. Housing should be a human right and we shouldn't have this intergenerational greed and infighting over something so basic. Forgive my inner socialist.

Finding the house was only the first part of the equation; moving into it was the next step.

The moving process was incredibly arduous. At the time we should have been packing up the house, my partner's work decided to send him interstate for business on multiple occasions. By the time moving day came round, we were not ready and we couldn't afford to pay removalists. We enlisted the help of two amazing friends and Joe's brother-in-law. Again, super grateful that I had their help, but my God, was it intense. It took the better part of four days to move everything. We had to pay off the mortgage and the rent for the previous place for a two-week period, putting considerable strain on our savings. At the same time, we needed to get some work done in the new house so that was being done while we were trying to sort out the old house. The rental laws in this country are a joke and are widely considered to be abusive to renters, including by many of my American friends who now live here. I doubt we will ever see our bond returned, even though we were treated like crap living there for three years in a house that was not sealed, had no insulation or air conditioning, leaked and was draughty, didn't have proper doors et cetera et cetera. I mean, we had maggots falling from the ceiling… twice. The place was rotting and rotten but because my partner couldn't completely colour match the paint when he tried to cover up what was absolutely reasonable wear and tear on one of the walls, I'm sure we will lose all that. As usual, the landlord will claim it costs our entire $1800 bond to get a $50 an hour painter in to patch up one wall. They always do this. In your contract it says reasonable wear and tear are a few knocks and dings on the wall and that the tenant is not expected to pay for that. In reality, in every rental we have ever lived in, the landlord has refused to refund the bond when there’s been even the slightest bit of damage, even if we had a record of being model tenants. It was almost comical how hard my partner was trying in the middle of the move to cover up a few scrapes on the walls from moving furniture in and out. It all came to nothing because for love nor money he couldn't find the correct match of paint. And then of course he had to mow the entire grounds of the last rental when he really wanted to be using his weekends to sort out and unpack the new house. Good God, it was awful.

My partner and I barely spent any quality time together during this period and he was extremely stressed out and distant from me. I totally understand why but the whole thing flared every single one of my conditions and I needed him as my carer. But he couldn’t really do that, as he was trying to do literally everything else. Moving house is hard on a healthy body, never mind one with two chronic pain disorders, irritable bowel and generalised anxiety disorder. And then (because of course), a family member of mine (one of the abusers) picked that moment in time to start harassing me, thereby triggering my PTSD which led to a nervous breakdown which led to intense depersonalisation, insomnia and nausea. Everyone and everything seemed unfamiliar to me, even my partner. I started to doubt whether or not I loved myself or anyone else anymore. I just felt so completely and utterly disconnected from the world. I began to lie awake at night terrified that I was fading away, that I could no longer feel anything other than fear. All the time, people kept saying, “congratulations on the new house! You must be so excited!” But all I could feel was sickness and dread.

Two weeks after moving in, I had to drop my Lyrica one more time. This drop has been very difficult. All of the stress has led to some dark thoughts in the back of my mind which of course Lyrica then co-opts and exaggerates. I have had a more than a few moments of suicidal ideation. Everything in my life on paper has improved. We are now homeowners, we live in a beautiful part of the world, we've made some new friends lately, things are settling down et cetera et cetera. But I feel like I'm in shell shock after this year and last year. I haven't even had time to process that I am no longer the president of the not-for-profit I founded and formulated an identity around. I just haven't had the time to process literally anything. I've been more exhausted that I have ever felt. Oh, I'm sure everyone will say, “this too shall pass”. But I do not believe that bullshit. Yes, this individual stressor will pass but more horror will come and I know that makes me sound super negative but I just cannot remember a period of time when things were calm for… I can't remember. I just feel like I've been in a hurricane forever.

So yeah, I'm writing this post while experiencing Lyrica withdrawal which makes me depressed and anxious. It's probably colouring my vision on everything. Fine. But I have been going through Lyrica withdrawal for two years, so it’s kinda become my normal. My final drop is on 26 December after which I will experience two more months of withdrawal and hopefully, after that, some semblance of sanity again. In the midst of all this I have to study for my citizenship test which is at the end of this month. I don't get any government support for my disability until I have been a citizen of this country for eight years, and as I’d like to survive my 40s, I need to get citizenship now. But yeah… studying an eighty-page textbook with an addled brain is just so much fun.

Of course, during this time we haven’t have Internet because we had to disconnect the old place and it takes an age for it to get reconnected at the new place. We only recently acquired it at the new house. So there are piles of emails waiting for me. Many of them are from friends and I'm glad for that. But there is also a lot of life admin I now need to do. I have to change my address on every account I hold, which is really tedious. We have also had to organise time with family. Because my partner's family helped us get this house, we feel especially obliged to go to every single one of the family events, of which there are many. He comes from a big Catholic family so every relative who comes to visit, every party that's being held, every birthday, wedding, funeral and religious holiday, we’re now expect to attend. We have several in the next few weekends, taking up most of the time we *needed* to be unpacking the house. We’re obligated now.

In all this negativity, though, I want to say that I am genuinely grateful to be one of the lucky ones to have a house. I know it sounds like I am whining about a good thing. It's not that I'm not glad for this (I know how ridiculously privileged we are). I just haven't been able to really feel it yet. I think that regardless of what happened this year, I’d be feeling this way. Something broke in me last year and just hasn't really come back. I feel shattered.

And all my chronic pain conditions have been wearing me down too. I found out this year that the operation that cost me and my friends so much money (to remove that nerve in my foot) had failed. Or rather, the surgeon had completely botched it up. I have PTSD from that surgery. Just the thought of going back to have it done again fills me with heart racing terror and cold sweats. I’ve had numerous surgeries before that one and been fine, but the reaction I had from the anesthetic last time was so severe, and the recovery so long, that I genuinely fear it more than almost anything else. And yet I need to go in for that nightmare all over again in 2020. I'm going to be asked to trust a different surgeon to do the same so-called “simple operation” to restore some functionality to my left foot. My right knee is probably also going to need surgery since it has been resistant to any physiotherapy rehabilitation. And on top of all this, my poor partner's health has also taken a hit this year from the stress which is worrying me. Because I can always do with some more worry…

But hey! This too shall pass! You should be happy! Life is great now! Yay yay yay!

Fuck, sometimes it just want to be allowed to feel shit and to have other people say “okay you can feel shit now. Yes, some good things have happened but right now you need to process the bad and that's okay too”. My lord, if people could just do that for me. If they could just let me feel what the fuck I need to feel.

What I feel is exhausted, scared, freaked out, traumatized, weird, sick, angry, overwhelmed and fed up. And I need to feel those things before I can feel anything else.

#rant #Fibromylagia #chronic illness #chronic pain #chronic stress #stress #overwhelmed #personal catharsis

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morethanithoughtofficialblog · 5 years

Text

Chapter 9: How am I even supposed to be feeling right now?

In which a certain skeleton realizes he’s smarter than he thinks.

*Sans's POV*

It's been like two weeks since (Y/N) stayed at the Dreemurr's house with everyone else. I take that day as a reference because a lot of things have happened.

One of them, my new home... that feels really tense.

Our parents decided to live with us so we all can have a better relationship with each other (well, it was actually Arial's idea), and I just let it be. Now I fucking regret it, 'cause I remembered that Gaster is a stupid asshole. He just criticizes everything I say, I do, or I've ever done with my life. It's fucking annoying to hear he has "such a disappointment of a son" every two seconds and poor, innocent, Paps trying to dismiss his bullshit.

Arial, being in love with the doc like if they just started dating, never said a word defending me. But, in order to look like a good person, she doesn't defend her perfect husband.

Go on- defend that piece of crap, Mom.

Honestly, Papyrus and I could have been perfectly well on our own, just like we were in the Underground. He's now fifteen, and I am twenty-two; isn't it too late to try to bond a connection?! They should have tried when Papy was just a kid and I was a fucking depressed teenager, trying to sustain my brother and the place we lived.

Oh, did I mention I was the one who paid everything? They didn't put a single freaking cent! I did all on my own, I even got a lot of trouble to persuade one human into buying my old house. And all for this?! Now I can't even get on my house and smile to my little brother without being judged...

Ah...

I really miss those times.

When I would get out of school or of... "work", and meet the smiley face of my brother. That smile is what keeps me from ending it all. I just can't leave him behind with that fucking couple of irresponsible parents while I'm burning in hell.

I just can't.

Today, though, we are out of that uncomfortable place and back on the Dreemurr's house. It's really big, and, I must admit, better than anything I could ever afford. Toriel insisted that we shouldn't lose our friendship, therefore, everyone must go. And so there I was going, trying to resist the urge to punch Gaster on the face and then go to my bed and cry while I fall asleep...

That was too specific.

When I arrived, boom! Surprise surprise! (Y/N) was there, freaking out in the middle of an argument, hosted by Undyne and Mettaton.

Poor girl.

Papyrus did whatever it was on my mind, and intervened. The dispute ended quickly, thanks to Papyrus's innocence not wanted to be ruined. My death glare also helped but, hey- Papy did almost everything, so he gets the credit.

(Y/N) let out a sigh of relief, then awkwardly muttered a 'thank you'. She anxiously looked over at the four of us, then waved shyly before disappearing into the kitchen with Tori.

She... is certainly something. I don't think I've ever seen anyone this nervous before.

Maybe she has problems socializing, but that would make no sense. But now that I remember, she indeed was anxious whenever we went for a meeting with her.

Or whenever we hang out.

...

Actually, I think she's nervous about the mere fact of being around us. We must be a huge group of weirdos to her, while in her head she's planning an excuse for how to escape.

"Ah, well..." she interrupted, gaining everyone's attention "I have the results for, uh, your access in our education systems. I believe I, well, have everything specified in your documents, so... yeah... do you, eh, want me to give them to you...?"

Silence. And then, a grateful and unexpected squeak, courtesy of Toriel.

"Oh! That's just wonderful! Thank you so much!"

"Ah, it's... nothing" (Y/N) answered, with a seemingly usual hint of anxiety in her voice.

Then she grabbed a shitton of folders and started to giving them to us. I took mine nervously and remembered all the times I studied really hard for school. I remembered, also, every book I read and how I ended up learning French.

I just hope it wasn't for nothing.

I took a deep breath, now remembering the exam we had to do in an office, like if it was a diagnostic test. It wasn't that hard but, what if I failed? I swear to God that if I need to do high school again, I will kill myself.

I opened it slowly, almost closing my eyes in fear. A panic attack started to take over my body, and I must have shown it since (Y/N) was giving me a concerned look.

"Sans, are you okay?" She whispered softly, making me relax just a bit. Then her eyes lighted up a little as if she now understood "Don't worry, you did well. In fact, you did perfectly!"

Gaining more confidence from her small smile, I opened it quickly and checked the first page. Then I stood in shock, my mind going numb and my mouth opening slightly.

...

College.

I can go to college.

To fucking university, like a normal person at my age would.

I looked at her and noticed she was almost smirking by my reaction. Then she gave me the biggest smile she could and a thumbs up.

And, I swear to God, I felt amazing.

I checked the other papers, and I was becoming even happier. Texts said that I was a mastermind, that I could even get a huge scholarship in an important university if I wanted to. My redaction skills were noted as perfect, which made my nonexistent heart skip a beat. My science knowledge was amusing, and math, oh lord, had really high notes.

At the end of the documents, I noticed a little post-it. I looked at it curiously and started reading it as soon as I grabbed it in my hands:

<<Hi Sans!

You did really well on basically everything! You should be proud!

If you are interested in going to a university any time sooner, I recommend you to check out Ebott University. It's one of the best schools in the country, and I think you have the capacity to join! Hell, even have a great scholarship there!

No pressure, though. It's just a suggestion, after all!

I just wanted to congratulate your excellent results, and to tell you that you can do it! You looked really stressed after giving your test, so I thought I should tell you this: you'll do just fine, Sans. Have more confidence in yourself, alright? If not for you, at least for your brother, who I see that it is really important to you.

I wish you the best of lucks, my friend!

(Y/N) (L/N)>>

I didn't know how to react. The only thing I know I did it's that I smiled all the time, and felt like this was just a happy dream about me being successful in life. I just couldn't believe that all my effort did work.

I glanced at her and saw that Papyrus was chatting excitedly about his future. He proclaimed that he would do his best in order to "make her effort count". I smiled, noticing that, after a long time, I shared the same enthusiasm as Papyrus.

I must have been staring because Paps waved at me energetically while she just let out a happy sigh.

"BROTHER! I AM FIT TO THE HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL!" he exclaimed, making me smile even more. "I'LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO LEARN NEW THINGS, SANS!"

With Papyrus in school, I think I can work for a better future in the midtime.

After such a long time.

Everyone else was also excited, confirmed by Gaster's small and hypocritical smile.

He probably did better than I did.

I looked over his paper and saw it; he could instantly go for the scientist role in any place...

And I have to study.

My smile twitched a little but quickly forgot my dismay by a big hug from my brother. Oh lord, what I would do without him?

I wOUld prObaBLy k!ll mYsEl-

Calm down, Sans.

You've got this.

I returned to my old and casual smile, relaxing a bit. We're out of the Underground now- it's my chance to finally do what I want. And what I want to do right now...

It's to buy another book.

...

Nerd.

A lot of people are actually surprised when they hear I love reading, especially the classics. I must seem so relaxed and chill for them, then. Which it's good since that's my favorite side of me, but... maybe keeping this reading obsession out of view it's dragging me down. It would be better to find someone to share these things with...

But who?

I snapped back into reality and shrugged it off. I can't lose my cool.

I just can't.

Eventually, I caught up into the conversation everyone was being part of. As expected, the topics were related to the future and how are we going to make our dreams come true. (Y/N), however, was just smiling there, trying to fit in silently. But, obviously, she felt excluded every time she tried to gain the courage to say something.

She doesn't seem to be up for conversations, either. When Toriel asked her a few things, she stuttered and played with her fingers. I have no idea how I managed to understand everything she said, but somehow I could. Still, I feel sorry for her. She probably doesn't want to be here.

I wonder why she helped us, though. She hasn't asked for money just yet, and she tries her best to don't be rude at all. She apologizes a lot and freaks out whenever someone acts to be offended or sad. Whenever there is an argument, she probably has a mental breakdown and tries her best to don't surpass some limits or to let the problem go any further. The mere look of her face is the purest description of anxiety I've ever seen...

Maybe she suffers, indeed, anxiety...

But you just can't ask her, can you?

...

Of course not.

It would be stupid to arrive at her side and immediately ask "hey girl, do you have anxiety???".

She would stop talking to me, and considering that we'll see each other more in the future, I just can't go on and make our friendship awkward.

...

Wait- friendship?! You don't even know her that much!!!

...

But she indeed called me in the post-it as a friend.

My skull was starting to hurt, and curiously, it's been for a problem that isn't mine. I must admit, though; anxious or not anxious, (Y/N) seems to be really nice. And she's like, smart as fuck.

Or that's how I see her, who knows.

"HUMAN!" Papyrus exclaimed, snapping me back to reality... again. "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO NERVOUS TO TALK TO US? WE WON'T HURT YOU!"

Oh shi-

"Ah, eh... I, em, don't know...? It's just, ah... eh..."

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

"It's just, em... I... how do I explain, em... ah..."

Tell her something, you fucking asshole!!!!!!!

"ah, kid. you don't need to say it if you don't want to. i bet everyone will understand"

She just looked at me nervously, like if she was asking for reassurance. I nodded my head slowly and gave her a thumbs-up, trying to calm her down. She took a deep breath and smiled, a hint of confidence gleaming in her eyes.

Wait, is she going to say it? Why-

"Well, em, Papyrus" she started, shaking her hands in order to calm down "I suffer from something called... anxiety. I was diagnosed some months ago, actually".

Oh, so I was right?

How sad, she's so nice to suffer from something like that.

Wait, so that means she-

"wait, so you are enjoying your time here? for real?"

"Oh, of course!" she responded immediately, smiling nervously at my statement. I'm such an asshole "I actually was starting to miss getting out of my crappy apartment to socialize with other people! I'm... not the best at it, though. I do suck at making new friends and- shitidontevenknowifyouguysconsidermeasafriendimsosorry"

Was she for real? It's difficult to see this girl as someone not loved or wanted. I mean, I must admit she's pretty and, besides, she's super nice and patient. I'm starting to see that she didn't do this for money, but because that's her nature. A kind girl, not standing social injustices. Her words and her personality now make sense- she's just that different to others that she finds it difficult to have real friends.

"HUMAN! I'M DELIGHTED TO HEAR YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH US! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, ACCEPT YOUR OFFER AND I'LL BE THE COOLEST FRIEND YOU'LL HAVE!"

I should probably tell her the same.

...

I'm rooting to be friends with this girl, I just can't dismiss the fact she wants some company.

But aren't I judging her too quickly?

...

She looks lonely for real, though.

I mean, I do have Papyrus, but she seems to have no one at her side. And that just fucking sucks. I don't think anyone deserves to be so lonely and so misunderstood. I don't even understand how she has dealt with it! I don't think I'll ever be able to be alone with my mind. I would have probably killed myself as a teenager and not been here.

"hey kid, you've been really nice and, well, a real light of hope to all of us. i don't think anyone here wouldn't like to be your friend. or well, at least i don't, y' know?"

She smiled and seemed a lot more relaxed, as everyone else nodded at my words. I could see she felt more accepted, which made me feel better. It's stupid, isn't it? I feel good because I included someone that deserved to be included since the beginning.

"Oh, I know!" Frisk raised her finger in the sky, gaining all of our attention "We should do a huge sleepover party in order to commemorate our new friend, (Y/N)!"

Papyrus gasped with lights in his eyes, clearly excited about this new idea. (Y/N), though... she looked like she was freaking out a lot. I put one of my hands on her shoulder, trying to tranquilize her, and incredibly she did. She gave me a small smile and mouthed an "I'll be ok", which made me smile as well.

As much as I must hate humanity, I think she's an exception.

But I really don't know

"BUT FIRST!" Papy screamed, bringing with himself a ton of wood pieces and a hammer. Then he locked the door completely and put a padlock that I don't know where it came from. "THERE! NOW NO ONE CAN ESCAPE THE PARTY! NYEH HEH HEH!"

I swear to God, almost everyone had a heart attack at that moment. And (Y/N), of course, seemed like she was dead for a moment.

Before we could react, a bunch of blankets and pillows were all over the couch, and my brother was already connecting the Wii and the Xbox. Undyne was bringing chips from the cabinet (without any permission, by the way), and the kid was getting some board games.

This is gonna be a long night.

(Y/N), without anything else to do, offered herself to help. But since she was "the guest", the official planners of this sleepover didn't let her. And since I wasn't going to help, we ended up sitting on the couch, talking about... well, anything.

"is there any way we can help with, uh, your anxiety?" I asked her, trying to feel more, well, accessible...?

"Well, um... I think I'll be ok. As long as I'm not dragged into a huge party with unknown people... which it's not totally happening, haha..." she paused, then she glanced at me in horror "Right?!"

"considering mettaton, uh..." I stopped, knowing I fucked up "...maybe?"

I shrugged at her with a small and nervous smile and her eyes widened a lot. I felt horrible, but I just couldn't lie to her. If she's gonna continue here with us, Mettaton's personality will need some... moderations? And honestly, I don't think he'll ever moderate that slutty character he has created, that it's the dirtiest version of himself.

She sighed though, realizing that, no matter how much she wanted things to be different, she couldn't change them. Or could she?

"It's okay, I guess" she started with a deep breath, like if this was something difficult to her "I mean, I just declared that I have anxiety, whichistilldontunderstandwhyidid, but that doesn't mean people should be different around me or take pity on me. The world just doesn't work like that, and that's fine! So I think there's no way to help my little ol' problem... except medicine, of course"

"oh, so you already went to the doctor then?"

"Yeah... but I constantly forget to take the, uh... pills..."

Wow, so she doesn't even care that much? Or it's just that she cares more about work? Probably the second, but it doesn't really matter. (Y/N) has anxiety and she isn't dealing with it the proper way, but I'm no one to tell her, well, anything about it. I haven't been responsible for ages, I'm not gonna tell this girl any advice about responsibility.

Not today.

Not ever.

"EVERYONE! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, HAS SETTLED THE GAME!" Papy shouted, shutting up all my thoughts about this kid. Thank God.

"oh really, and what is it bro?" I asked, sounding as lazy as usual and hiding my real self with a smile. It always works.

"TODAY, BROTHER!" he posed heroically "WE ARE PLAYING A POPULAR HUMAN GAME THAT REQUIRES STRATEGY AND GOOD THINKING!"

Huh?

"WE ARE PLAYING..." (notice the dramatic suspense)

"...MONOPOLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Is this the part where I shout in happiness or where I scream in horror?

#sans x reader #more than i thought fanfiction #more than i thought #chapter 9 #sans #x reader #undertale

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