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wolf-gutz · 2 years

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Max/TransM!Reader Chapter 1

An - sorry for dissapearing again lol, i got really depressed and didnt feel like writing, but ive hotten back into a bit !! heres a four chapter Max fic because literaly no one ever writes about him, cmon people 😭

Cw: smutty vibes but no actual smut, violence and slight mention of gore

About - basically you end up joining the cult, yes, i was extremly lazy with making up a reason lmao. it follows the movie except *spoiler* Max doesnt die. Max is horn knee the whole time

Words - 1182

continue under the cut <3

Bee came in with the shots, handing one to me and one to Cole. she was our, quote unquote babysitter, even though i didn’t need one since I was almost 17. Bee was a close friend of mine though, so I didn’t mind it much.

It smelt like she had mixed vodka with Baileys, which I hated both, so when she left to go pour herself a shot, we both hurriedly dumped ours out into the nearby plant.

“Oh, you did it without me” She pouted, before taking her own. I yawned and stretched, and Cole yawned as well, for whatever reason.

“Alright Coley, time for bed, I let you stay u an extra half hour, so shoo now. Im probably gonna go to sleep soon anyways Y/N.” She said, putting her hands on his shoulders and turning him around towards the stairs.

“Thats fine, Im tired as fuck anyways.”

Bee smiled, sitting herself over on the couch as me and Cole headed upstairs.

Truthfully, I wasnt actually that tired, but I just wanted some space, it had been quite chaotic, and sometimes a guy just needs time alone to read some horny fanfiction.

A couple hours in, I heard some commotion downstairs, then Cole softly knocking on my door. I opened up it and was about to ask what he was still doing awake, before he shushed me, grabbing my hand.

He pulled me down to his level and put one finger over my lips, whispering to me.

“Bee has people over, like, a lot. Theyre all playing truth or dare and stuff, wanna cpme watch?” He said, giggling to himself.

I nodded, going along with it just out of boredom, and we sat at the top of the stair case, watching them.

There was five other people sitting in a circle with Bee.

Max, a buff jock who I had a huge crysh on for the past two years, though I doubted he was into guys.

Allison, the head cheerleader. I didn’t know much about her other than she had a kind of bimbo, bratty personality.

Jon, who I had only talked to a few times. He was funny and pretty chill, the kind of guy to let you smoke his weed occasionally without paying him back.

Sonya, who was a sort of gothic crazy chick. I heard that she went mad and almost killed one of her exs, but honestly I could care less since she was nice to me and SUPER pretty.

And Samuel. Samuel was a surprise, since he wasnt exactly the type of person Bee would hang around. He was a huge nerd, and anxious as all hell, but he seemed to be having fun.

The bottle landed on Bee who chose dare, and Max dared her too make out with everyone in the circle.

She gave a simple kiss too Max, which I wouldve done much more in her situation but anyways. She full ass made out with Allison, licked Johns face leving him upset, and gave a kiss on Sonyas forehead, Sonya levaing a kiss on hers.

Then it came time for Samuel, but he seemed extremly nervous. When Bee crawled over to him, he stood up, Bee following suit, and they seemed to all try and convince him it would be fine, though it was hard to hear what they were saying.

He eventually gave in, the two embracing in a kiss. Bee pulled back, and Samuel looked at her with a slight smile, before she pulled out two daggers, planting them right into his skull.

What the fuck.

He let out a bloodcurdling scream, and something about a porpoise, as Bee stuck the daggers in further, stuttered chokes escaping Samuels mouth.

Blood slowly trickled down from the wounds, as the others gathered around Bee with goblet looking cups.

“Is everyone ready?” I heard her ask, and all the members excitedly said yes, tilting their cups towards his head.

Bee yanked the daggers out, and the blood started to flow into Sonya, Max, and Allisons cups, as Bee grabbed her own. John wasn’t getting any, and said something that seemed like he was complaining about it, before getting sprayed in the face and soaked in Samuels blood.

Jon made a grossed out sound, desparatley trying to wipe the blood from his face, Bee saying something back to him.

I left after that, I had seen enough. I tried to tell Cole to run as well, but he wouldn’t move, so I left him behind. Bee wouldnt hurt him, and I felt like I was going to puke.

After a bit, I heard Coles door shut, and only a few minutes later footsteps. They were going up the steps, most likely to one of our rooms.

“-were gonna do with Cole, but what about his brother?” I heard Max ask. He sounded right outside of my door.

“He should be knocked out, but you can do whatever if you like. Just don’t hurt him.” Bee said, walking away.

“I would never.” Max laughed, and my door started opening. I rushed to put my headphones on, and pulled out my phone, pretending I was on it.

I gave Max a shocked look when he came into my room, and he looked surprised.

“Uh, sorry, thought you were asleep, Bee just wanted me to grab something.” He said, smiling, his demeanor immediately switching.

“Uh? Your Max, right? Why are you shirtless?” My chest felt tight, but in a kind of good way.

“A friend needed it. And yeah, your Y/N, right?” He chuckled, and I nodded.

He sat down on my bed and leaned towards my face.

“Your a lot cuter up close y’know.”

I kind of just froze, I knew he was flirty wuth everyone, but it still made me feel nice.

“Damn, you shouldve joined us earlier when we were playin truth or dare, you would’ve made things funnnn.” He laughed.

“Ah- us?” I asked.

“Yeah, Bees just got some friends over Y’know, you seem like the kind of person we could hang out with. You got something that you want so badly, you’d kill for it?” He said, leaning in closer, his hand on one of my thighs.

“Uh, weird question but… yeah, kind of.” I said. I had a dream to became a world famous actor, but I wasnt exactly the best at acting, and I couldn't seem to get any teaching for the life of me, since my parents found it stupid. I would kill for that honestly. I'd kill for a lot. I was kind of selfish, but I didn't mind.

“What if I said, you could do that, with us? I’d have to ask Bee, but I think she'd be down. Plus, Id want a cute face on our side like yours. Allisons hot, but she never shuts her mouth, and Sonyas a psycho bitch, but you on the other hand….”

“Uh me? Haha.” I nervously laughed, and he suddenly pulled back.

“So what do you say?”

“S… sure I'll join I guess, I have nothing better to do.”

“Cool, cool. Are you a virgin?”

“UHM. A little straight forward haha, but yeah.”

“Good, good. Were collecting Coles blood, but I guess we could use yours if anything goea wrong” He laughed at his own joke.

“Haha…. maybe.” I laughed nervously.

we sat in silence for a second, me pretending to be busy, as Max eyed me up and down.

“Hey, Im already shirtless and evereyone else is busy, why dont we?” Max asked, leaning back towards me.

“I- i uh…. why don't we what?

“Listen, I know you got a little crush on me and your cute enough.”

“I’m just surprised your uh… into me….” I stuttered a little, turning off my phone and setting it to the side, finally getting what he meant.

“Your a cute nerd, who wouldn’t?” He grabbed my fave harshly, pulling it towards his.

I made a soft whimpering sound, closing my legs, trying not to stare down at his abs.

“Ahh, th- thanks.” I barely finished my sentence before he pulled me into a kiss, grabbing at the back of my head.

He dragged one of his legs over till he was on top of me, still aggressivley making out, soft moans escaping from both of us. He reached his other hand underneath my shirt and grabbed my back, holding me tight to him.

I went for it and ran one of my hands across his abs, pulling appart from the kiss for a second so I could breath.

As i panted, he tilted my head, licking up my neck before giving me a soft bite and sucking on my neck, leaving a huge hickey, before leaving another, and another, and another. Moans escaped my lips as I desparatley tried to hide how horny this was making me, but when I looked down I could see how hard he was through his pants.

I decided to take the chance and slid my hands towards his pants, putting my fingers around the waistband before sliding them over to the button of his pants, slowly undoing it as he continued to mark on my neck.

#max the babysitter #max #the babysitter #horror movie #the babysitter max #slasher #horror #movie #fanfic #fanfiction #smut #max fanfiction #fanfic author #male reader #trans masc reader #trans reader #trans reader smut

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glilboy · 3 years

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Ateez reactions to finding you reading smut about them: Hyung line

ive had this idea for awhile and even requested it a few times from other writers but..i felt it was time to write it lol

tws under the cut

warning, this piece of fiction contains mentions of somnophilia, slight dom and sub dynamics, and general explicit topics.

Hongjoong:

You had attempted to stay up waiting for Hongjoong, deciding to reread one of your favorite stories in the mean time. Unfortunately that wasnt enough to keep you awake, you ultimately passing out and your phone tumbling onto the floor.

Hongjoong had a feeling you'd passed out since you didnt message him any "i miss you :(" texts after 11pm so seeing you knocked out on the couch was no surprise. He slowly padded over to you smiling softly, then noticing your phone on the floor and went to pick it up for you. He was never the kind to go through your phone but your smart self had no shut down timer which left the fan fiction on display for him.

He couldnt help but be curious seeing paragraphs of text and decided a little reading would do no harm. As he began to read though he felt his gut sweep, in a good way. He was honestly a little upset until he saw his name but when he read his name it was like all of exhaustion disappeared. Luckily he didn't have work the next day he thought to himself.

Sitting down on the couch with a plan he slowly nudged you awake. "Hi dear," he spoked softly with a smirk.

You rubbed at your bleary eyes and looked up at him, "Oh hi Joongie. Sorry I didn't mean to fall asleep." He smiled even bigger at you.

"Thats fine, it helped me find out something fun," he tucked your hair behind your ear. Still waking up you made a small "huh?" before seeing the phone in his hand.

"Oh..." you mumbled, starting to be awake enough to get it. You finally looked at him straight on and saw his signature devilish grin.

He moved his hand to slowly move up your thigh, giving it a small squeeze which elicted a sigh out of you. "Didn't think you'd read stuff like that Y/N, but I guess you're just full of surprises huh doll," the pet name made you shiver, Hongjoong never having used that one before.

"I'm sorry Joongie," you mumbled into your arm, face now red. His hand moving up to cup your core and grind his hand into it making you whimper softly.

"Oh dont be sorry dolly, just shows me that you really miss me."

Seonghwa:

Saying Seonghwa was caring was an understatement in a way. Despite his busy schedule he made it a point to showed he cared in different ways. One thing he always did was if you left your phone out at all he would put it on the charger for you. Small things!

Today though he had come home earlier than usual while you were taking a quick shower. Seeing your phone on the counter he waltzed over setting his stuff down to throw it on the charger even if it wasn't that low. He noticed you left it on, open to a book he assumed enough.Him being the lovely man he is he wanted to read a bit to see what you liked and possibly buy you a physical copy. Written porn with his name in it though was not what he was expecting.

Seonghwa gulped, setting down your phone with his hands shaking and his face now flushed pink. He took a deep breath and set down his bag, running his fingers through his hair now being surprisingly worked up. A part of him felt embarrassed for being turned on by the writing but at the same time he knew you didn't read it for no reason.

"Hwa! You're home early hello!" You ran up to him giggling, now clean and dressed in some sweats.

"Hey babe, yeah we got let out early cause we learned the new choreography fast enough. They asked us if we wanted to do more vocal practice but none of us did," He laughed, trying to shift his legs to hide his slight erection.

"None of you stay late ever," you giggled sarcastically up at him. "Well, I was gonna take a nap. Do you want to? I'm sure you're tired."

He nodded softly and took your hand walking to your guys bedroom talking about your day. He changed himself into more comfortable clothing then joined you in bed, you curling into him quickly. Once you settled Seonghwa felt he could actually breathe, feeling like a middle schooler just for getting more worked up from having you close. He heard your breath settle which is when he shifted away a bit from you.

"Fuck..." He mumbled, having the space now laying on his back to palm himself over his erection. Looking over at your sleeping face made it worse, the piece you had opened having involved somnophilia. One thing he never had the guts to suggest to you despite having such an open relationship.

He didn't notice your eyes flutter open at the movement. You only just fell asleep so you were in no means in too deep. You decided to play it though, closing your eyes and throwing a leg over his waist as if you were just adjusting in your sleep.

He inhaled a sharp breath and bit his lip now mildly frustrated at the whole situation. Mumbling a fake sleepy "Hwa" you moved to straddle the man hearing a childish sigh escape his lips.

"If you keep moving, I swear to god," He mumbled out loud thinking youre still asleep since you had always been a chaotic sleeper.

"And what will you do about it horny kid," you giggled against his neck. You could feel his body tense.

"Go back to sleep and I'll fuck you like your sick little fantasy, how about that hm?"

yunho:

Rain was beating against the window as you cuddled up on the couch with your phone in hand. Yunho was on the other side of his personal office playing video games. It was a chill day but something in the air was setting you slightly off the edge.

Besides the sweet glances and cheesy smiles thrown at each other, your screen was very much the opposite of innocent pure love. Getting indulged in the story you started to zone in, missing some of his looks making Yunho curious as to what your interest was delved into currently.

"Be right back guys," he said into the mic mischievously. Quickly making his way over he slipped the phone out of your hand, this behavior wouldve typically been fine but because of the contents on your screen you gasped and reached out for your phone. "You doing something naughty or do you just like acting suspicious?" he grinned before looking at your phone.

His face feel reading the paragraph of a particularly nsfw scene. You were now sitting up staring at him wide eyed, "yuyu please oh god its not what you think, i think." Silence filled the room, the only noises being the sound of his running pc and the dull chatter of the other boys.

"Do you read this often?" he said out of hesitation and pure curiosity, almost feeling that he violated your private space. He kind of got the gist of it all right away, thankfully for your sake.

"Not all the time but i mean, you are busy yunho," you tried to softly explain knowing this was odd territory.

"Do you...ever want to try it," he says, getting to the end of the page and looking at you.

"I can't say that..none of them aren't, nice," the air was filled with an awkward energy that could suffocate another person if they came in at such a weird time.

The two of you stood there for a second, until he moved towards you and took your hand. He placed it on his bulge and you sucked a breathe in.

"Take off my pants," he ordered, a strange harsh tone to his voice. For you guys there was never set roles, not any dom or sub dynamic but it wasnt vanilla per say so him speaking like this was new. Besides that, you did as he said and pushed your thumbs under the waistband of his sweats, pulling them down his legs.

Silently he took your hand then sat down on his gaming chair, pulling out his large cock. He slipped on his headphones before looking up at you with a shit eating grin.

"Sit down, i can tell youve been dying too babe."

yeosang:

You were waiting for yeosang to come home after a shorter than usual practice, deciding to pass the time by indulging in your secret world. In the midst of browsing your favorite blogs you didn't hear the door open, this event made you learn not to have headphones in when participating in such activities.

Walking in, Yeosang looked around for you and spotted your figure on the couch. He slowly moved near with a secret motive of scaring you when he glanced at your phone seeing a photo of him paired with a lot of writing. Tilting his head curiously he squinted to read the text, reading along with you until his face flushed.

Sucking in a breath slightly he moved back to the door, playing off him just entering. You noticed his figure walking towards you and sneakily turned off your phone and got up to greet him.

"Hey babe, it's nice to see you in the sunlight," you giggled and wrapped your hands around his waist. You noticed him hesitantly wrapping his arms around you, causing you to pull away.

"Hey, whats up? you seem a bit off?" you pouted and brushed the hair out of his eyes, not catching the little blush.

"Yeah yeah babe, I'm fine. promise," he cleared his throat and pulled away, making your heart sink a bit. He practically completely ignored what you actually said.

"No Yeo, I- did I do something wrong? Or just a long day?" you pried knowing something was up.

Shifting awkwardly on his feet he looked up at you, his hair back in his face. "I um, saw what you were reading."

The color drained from your face, mouth slightly hanging not knowing what to say. You thought he was pissed, was going to leave and break up with you but right when you were about to talk he spoke again.

"C-can we do that?"

A moment of silence passed and you looked up at him, your boyfriend who was typically very soft and gentle in bed. Knowing what you were reading was likely pretty heavy in his book, you became worried. "Yeo, I just read it. It means nothing I don't want to make you uncomforta-"

His lips cut yours off and one hand entangled in your hair, his other guiding you to the wall by your hip. Back flush against the way you pulled away after a moment to see his eyes wide and sweat already beading down his temple.

"I've wanted to do that, just didn't want to scare you dear."

#ateez smut #ateez reactions #ateez scenarios #kim honjoong smut #park seonghwa smut #jeong yunho smut #kang yeosang smut #hongjoong smut #seonghwa smut #yunho smut #yeosang smut #kpop smut

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katedoesntexist · 3 years

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Stay-at-home journal 2/6/21

Yesterday:

Work, super demoralizing, everything bad

Put together bookshelf

Made omurice bc we're running low on food

Put books away and drank cherry ginger beer

Finished another fic chapter

Played a little guitar

Today:

Clean up kitchen

Kind of just want to chill during the day

Maybe play some zootr

Prob should do some work at night

Start fic epilogue

Free space:

The bookshelf is disappointingly kind of low quality. I knew it would be bc it came from one of the chinese companies that steals photos of the original item and sells you a knock off. But i chanced it bc i guess shelves are just crazy expensive (this "cheap" one was $80), and at least i can return it to the store. The part im most worried about is that the piece of the shelf taking the weight of all the books is only attached by glue and small nails. It could easily just fall apart w enough weight. But i put my books on it anyway and hopefully itll be alright. I like the shape and depth of the shelf bc it fits my small reading room (closet) and also holds a good amount of stuff. I guess if it comes apart we can mod it to fix it. I just ugh didnt want to spend over $100 on this. Maybe i wouldve been better making it myself from scratch.

Speaking of, I've been toying w the idea of buying a jigsaw. Of course the blades would have to be project specific, but might be fun.

Writing is going surprisingly well. Im having fun. Its not a slog. I mean, it is an energy and time drain, but i feel good abt it. The direction these chapters went rly veered away from the outline, but i like that it falls into place better. It makes me feel like theres an alternate reality out there where the outline events did take place. Anyway, i actually cant wait to post and see ppls reactions. I haven't felt this hopeful abt sharing a fan work in like half a yr.

So we finally broke down and looked up one thing in the spoiler log, and it unblocked the game in a way that i could just skip two major dungeons and go to the boss right now. Its kind of idk disappointing? Like, the item weve been trying to get this whole time to unlock a bunch more content is finally in our hands, but we realized we didn't actually need all that other content. Not sure if we should play it just for 100% completion, but big sigh. We're at the end. And i have a rly hard time ending things. Ive spoken abt this before, but its like if i dont finish it will guarantee the characters and events are in a stasis. And they will always be there right where i left them. Forever gearing up to fight the boss, optimism and courage in their heart. I get this way with games and books. I dont want the adventure to end, and its more comforting to me to think that everyone is still out there doing their thing. Stories ending are like death. Not in a bad way bc death is natural and normal. But its still comes w loss.

Had some weird dreams. One was a row of bamboo lockers and some teachers had gone in them unbeknownst to each other, but the one on the end trapped you if you went in bc idk it was supposed to catch a criminal. Another part i was camping and saw a chimpanzee in the trees. I walked out to a railing (i was on some kind of decking) and watched him. He pointed and told me there were wolves in the area, and i was like oh shit thanks. I got in the cab of the truck and closed both doors just in time to avoid the wolves. I rolled down the window and a large bird outside told me there were dead animals on the roof of the truck that attracted the wolves, and I wouldn't be able to leave. There werent keys. I had to warn my dad who had gone out hunting for the day, but he hadnt brought his cell phone bc there wouldn't be reception in the woods.

#katedoesntstayathome #katedoesntdream

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ecoamerica · 2 months

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benexolence · 6 years

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Holy (M)

Professor!Kim Namjoon x Student!Reader

little bit of Jungkook x Reader in the beginning though :-)

Word count: 7.7k

Rating = M

SUMMARY: You get yourself into gnarly trouble with the young professor that lives in your dreams, and you must help him with some grading as a punishment. Little did you know, he’s not the only one who’s willing to commit a misdeed that doesn’t necessarily align with your school’s faith.

Warnings: rough sex, spanking, sir kink, daddy kink, slight exhibitionism, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, fingering, cunnilingus, choking, dirty talk, straight fucking FILTH

A/N: plz don’t judge me as this is my first written smut, i triED my best, ok :<

**STB = BTS backwards.

At the moment, it felt like a sauna to you. Inside the tiny space, the room was hot. The wall touching your back would feel the sheet of sweat that you’re currently covered in. It felt like there was barely any fresh oxygen in the room, it left you close to breathless. With the way Jungkook’s hands started sliding the underneath your uniform skirt almost left you breathless. The way his nails dug into the back of your thighs almost left you breathless. His open-mouth kisses all over your jawline were getting you close to your demise. But you were ultimately out of oxygen when his lips pressed right into the sweet spot of your neck; you reached your doom, but you couldn’t help but moan for more. His teeth grazed against the spot with desperation. All he wanted to do is wreck your body until you couldn’t decide if you needed more or if you couldn’t handle it anymore.

“Tell me what you want, baby” Jungkook moved his lips to whisper in your ear, only to nibble at it. “Daddy will give you whatever you want.” Jungkook’s hands moved his hands from the thighs to your ass, only to squeeze it in his palms. One hand moved to your hips, wrapping his fingers around the band of your panties, pulling at it and letting the band snap back to your hips. “You just have to tell me, baby.” You squirmed in his arms, desperate for anything. You didn’t care about who it was and what they did, you just needed someone to give you something to satisfy this frustration that built in your stomach. You were desperate enough to let an infamous fuckboy touch your body in the janitor’s closet of your school. “Please, Daddy, t-touch me.” He slips his fingers down to your panties to touch your folds. Jungkook groans into your neck, “God, you’re damn so wet, Y/N. Were you thinking about me all day? Thinking about my fingers in your fucking panties?” You whine at his touch, bucking your hips for more friction. But that wasn’t enough for him. “Come on Y/N, tell me what you need and Daddy will give it for you” Jungkook spoke into your neck. You can feel his lips smirking, but you knew that you had to give into that damn cocky attitude to get what you want, even if you didn’t actually want him. Lying was your only way to get to your high, and you could easily do it. It wasn’t a problem for you because it was just so easy to imagine Jungkook as the man who actually made you drenched, who made you this frustrated, but also the man who will get you to your high, even if it’s your imagination. “Daddy, I-I needed your fingers, please” You whined. Thank the lord that you didn’t have to say Jungkook’s name; it would’ve been harder to get through this. It’s not that Jungkook isn’t good-looking. He is wildly attractive and charming, but he isn’t who you actually wanted. Jungkook pulls down your panties, letting them fall to your feet. He starts sucking at the sweet spot in your neck while his middle finger moves to your entrance, teasing it by circling at the rim of your hole. His thumb presses lightly on your clit. You moan out loud, so loud that you quickly cover your mouth with your hand. You want to cry out and stick his fingers inside you. You don’t want to wait anymore. It’s getting too much for you. It feels so damn fucking good, but it’s just not enough. “Please, Daddy, p-please” You whine a bit more as you move your other hand to his pants, cupping his groin. You begin to lightly squeeze his balls, and you hear a loud throaty moan. “Fuck, I need you right now. You want me too, right baby?” Jungkook groans as he starts to dip the tip of his finger inside you and lightly moving his thumb on your clit. “Yes! Yes! Always Daddy, please!” You cry out for him. Thankfully, he gives into pleads and slowly slides his finger inside out you, causing your mouth gape out and your eyes slam shut. You moan louder than before as you felt your walls clenching around his finger. Fucking finally, you thought to yourself. He lets his finger stay still inside of you, feeling how turned on you are, “Jesus fucking Christ, you’re so tight. You’re so naughty, baby. Do you think my thick cock can fit inside you?” Bucking your hips again, you whine for any movement on his part. “Please Daddy, make it fi--” Your pleads were interrupted by a bright light hitting the both of you. Your eyes slowly open and move in the direction of the light, only to find the man who caused you such frustration. He’s standing there, holding what looks to be a briefcase in his hands. For a second, you thought that Jungkook was so good, he got you to hallucinate, but you only realize you’re wrong when he suddenly yanked his hands away from you. “What the hell is happening here? Get out of this damn closet right now!” The man puts his briefcase down and roughly pulls Jungkook out of the closet, and his eyes move directly back to you. He scans your entire body, only to have his eyes almost bulge out at the sight of your panty-covered feet. He quickly moves his eyes in a different direction. “Ms. Y/L/N, make yourself look decent and put your undergarments back on,” He says with a stern tone. Reality hits you like a train, and you feel yourself being washed in humiliation as you quickly put your panties back on, but there’s a side that feels utterly thrilled heated when you notice the man possibly looking at your figure from the corner of his eyes. But you quickly dismiss that feeling when you try to fix your disheveled state. There’s no way he was looking at me. He’d never do that, you thought to yourself. “I’m decent, Mr. Kim” you spoke softly as you walk out of the closet with your head down and hands interlocked together in front of you. He turns to you and moves Jungkook next to you. He looks at the both you and Jungkook in complete disappointment. He grabbed open his briefcase and took out the university’s official notepad with a pen. He writes on two pieces of paper before tearing it out and handing each paper to both you and Jungkook. “I want both you and Jungkook in my office after you both confess your sins in the chapel. Immediately. I do not want to even look at both of you after what I just witnessed. Both of you must have the priest sign the paper with a timestamp after you are done, so I need that paper so I know that the both of you don’t continue this distasteful act.” “Namjoon Hyung, I’m sorr-” Jungkook tried to plead his way out of punishment before he got cut off. “Mr. Jeon, don’t you dare talk to me so casually after what you just did. Do it again, and I’ll make it worse for you. I might be a few years older than you but don’t ever forget that I am your elder and your professor, you must respect that, especially now.” Namjoon scolded Jungkook sternly. But even though you were witnessing a scolding, you couldn’t help but feel the frustration coming back. It was the way Namjoon talked to Jungkook, the anger and aggression in his tone; you felt the strength in your knees draining. Namjoon turned to you with the irritation heavy in his eyes, and you gazed your head up towards him. He spoke to you with a softer yet stern tone. “As for you, Ms. Y/L/N, I suggest you go down to the nurse’s office and change into a new uniform. You should also fix yourself up before going to the chapel. You must timestamp your visit to the nurse’s office as well.” Namjoon looked straight into your eyes after his spoke words and repeat his actions before, scanning your body with an intense glare. You quickly move your gaze back to the ground, unable about to look at him directly with the embarrassment and unintentional arousal flooding your body. You can’t control how you feel when he is around, and it’s so goddamn frustrating. “Yes, sir. I will do so.” You shyly utter the words, it was almost a miracle that he actually could hear you. But you can’t help but notice the subtle shudder of Namjoon’s body after you spoke. It was undetectable, faint. Jungkook was unaware of such a move, but you saw it. You’d bet money that if there were anyone else around you, they wouldn’t notice either. You wonder if he felt cold or if it was your words. But like earlier, you dismiss your thoughts, not believing in your unordinary beliefs. Namjoon moves to Jungkook and puts his hand on Jungkook’s upper back. His hands are covered in rings, which you find odd for him to wear at work, but your thoughts pull you into a sinister imagination. You snap out of your dreams as quickly as they came when he starts to move Jungkook as he slowly walks away. “Mr. Jeon, You will come with me to the locker-room. I’m feeling nice enough to give you a new set of clothes because you’re covered in sweat.” Namjoon stops for a second and turns his head back to you, “Ms. Y/L/N, I will meet you in my office ASAP. You can go down to the nurse’s office now.” You nodded your head and spoke, “Okay sir, I will see you then.” You looked back to Namjoon, only to find his momentarily still in place before he continued in the direction of the locker-room. You started to walk quickly in the course of the nurse’s office before any other student saw you.

During your visits to the nurse’s office and the chapel, you can’t help but be pulled back into your thoughts of Namjoon’s hands, his rings especially. When the nurse was scolding you with phrases of how sinful this was and yelling about the lessons of early childhood Sunday school, you wondered how cold Namjoon’s rings must be on your hot skin. When you were listening to the priest telling you what you must for your penance of adultery, you wondered if Namjoon touches himself with those rings on. It wasn’t great that think about him as much as you do, especially since he’s your professor at the private Catholic University you attended. It was more ironic that he was your professor for your Theology 107 class, Intro to Catholic Moral Theology. What surprised you the most is no one made you feel the way he made you feel, just his presence put shocks through your body. You knew you were screwed from the moment you saw him walk into the lecture hall of your class. Namjoon had a towering figure; he was a tall man with a lean body type; it made you feel like he’s larger than life when he was near you. He had a slick ash-blonde undercut that complemented well his sun-kissed skin. Namjoon held a compelling aura around him, it left many people speechless at times, but it left you speechless and frustrated. His voice didn’t help your problem either. When he spoke, you would usually shiver at the way his baritone voice caused goosebumps to grow on your skin. Namjoon wasn’t just a pretty face either. The words he spoke were wise and thoughtful, a simple sentence he spoke could hint at his great wisdom and intelligence, despite only being five years older than you. He was stern in his words; the commanding tone made you want to get on your knees as fast as you possibly can. During his lectures, you can hear the passion in his voice, the love he has for the goodness in humanity. You knew his heart was kind when he shared all the possible resources for communicating with him to his class; “I don’t want you guys to pass my class, I want you to come out of here, understanding the morality of right and wrong. But I’ll still make sure that each person still passes this class anyway”. He was a caring, and kind person; it just wasn’t fair for you because there was nothing you could use to make yourself dislike him to any capacity. Kim Namjoon was the epitome of frustration for you. It made you confused on whether you wanted to withdraw his class to end your troubles or start attending office hours just to see him. You wanted to express your feelings to someone but it seemed like everyone around you would start spewing words of sinfulness and disappointment to you, even though those people are probably having the same lustful thoughts of him as well. Being at a small college that you attended, you forced to keep your shit together around him. Though it didn’t matter much about what you did with boys like Jungkook, the smallest mistake around Namjoon could jeopardize the friendships you created and the reputation at your school. It’s not that you cared about what other people think but you’d rather stay away from the possible name-calling and bullying that might occur. All these things were filling your mind as you walked to Namjoon’s office. It was getting harder to keep your frustrations to a minimum; but today, you lost control of yourself. This morning was especially tough since your dreams were filled with nothing but Namjoon’s hands. You woke up, already extraordinarily irritated and frustrated, and from that moment, it seemed like everything around you tried to trigger you. People were irritating you, the lack of food in your apartment irritated you, a random pop-quiz irritated you, and the hot, dry weather irritated you. You were close to overflowing with irritation as you were walking past the football field until your eyes found Namjoon in the area. His coaching uniform stuck to him due to the sweat covering his body. He was teaching new tricks to use in the upcoming soccer game, and you watch as his body moved so smoothly through the field. It seemed like everything he was doing required no effort. But that notion quickly disappeared when he kicked the ball into the goal. The pride and sheer aggression he possessed when he kicked the ball made you think he might destroy the goal. You thought about if he might have the same aggression when he's touching someone, putting the same level of effort and power in his thrusts when he’s fucking someone, such thoughts making your knees almost buckle in return. After the boy landed in the goal, he turned to the team and gave a radiant cocky smile, and that’s when you snapped completely. Your frustration was overflowing covering the small bits of your weaken sanity, causing you to pull your phone and find the number of some boy that you know would satisfy your needs for the time being. Your thoughts silenced themselves as you approach the door of Namjoon’s office. You could hear Namjoon scolding Jungkook, and it becomes quiet when you knocked on the door. You hear Namjoon yell a “come in” and you open the door almost immediately. Once the door is open, you find a cowering Jungkook with his head down in fear and shame while Namjoon sits in his seat, calm and controlled. “Hello Ms. Y/L/N. Please hand in your timestamps and take a seat.” Namjoon spoke as he lifted his open palms towards you, hinting to place the notepaper in that hand. Your hands slightly shook as you set the paper in his palm. His fingertips accidentally graze your hand causing you to immediately mirror Jungkook’s figure, tilting your face down to hide your blushing features. You feel Namjoon’s stare burning holes in your mind as you continue facing the ground. “So, Ms. Y/L/N, I was just talking to Mr. Jeon about the consequences he must endure for such offense. Fortunately for you, this is your first offense so your punishment will not be as severe as Mr. Jeon’s, as he has committed adultery on campus-grounds multiple times.” Namjoon’s tone shifted from stern to downright irritated towards the end of his sentence, making you almost chuckle at how stupid Jungkook could be at getting caught many times. “Still, I must reprimand you for such an incident. This astonishes me because I expected better from you, Y/N.” At the sound of your name leaving his lips and you instantly shiver. Why the hell are you so damn turned on? You could literally get kicked out of your university right now. You shifted your thighs together for relief and took a deep breath before facing Namjoon and speaking. “Mr. Kim, I’m not sure what to say, but I would like to apologize for my behavior. I shouldn’t have done this to myself or Jungkook, so I will take whatever punishment you give me.”

“I know that you are a good student, Y/N. And I know how a student’s life can be busy at times so I will go lightly on you, this one time. You’ve always turned in lovely essays in my class so as your punishment, you will come into my office and grade the essays that will be turned in this week. You will grade all 273 essays this upcoming Friday, come in at 6pm. No earlier, no later. Do you understand what you have to do, Ms. Y/L/N?” Namjoon’s smile resembled a cheshire cat as he spoke more about your punishment. He’s utterly cruel, you thought to yourself. That essay has a 10-page minimum requirement, and so there are at least 1000 pages that you have to read. The pieces aren't even interesting, it’s basically nothing but the history of good morals, and it was already mind-numbing to write the goddamn thing. “Yes, Mr. Kim, I do.” You tried your best to hide your irritation in your tone. It’s hard not to be irritated; you have to spend your Friday night, grading essays even if your brain starts melting. “Then you are dismissed, Ms. Y/L/N. I will see you on Friday.” Namjoon says with a slight smile as you stand up and leave the room. You’re fucked. Not only is your mind going to die by the 50th essay, but you possibly wouldn’t be able to function well because you’re going to around him.

There were no words to describe how exhausted you were today. You’ve spent the past few days studying, and you were just mentally-drained. You just wanted to get all this grading done as fast as you possibly can so you sleep for the rest of the weekend. Your fatigue caused you to drag yourself to Namjoon’s office, groaning every other minute about how awful the next few hours would be. You’ve been dreading this day because you knew that this night would be filled with nothing but absolute frustration. It was hard to bring yourself to knock on his office door, wanting to stall time a bit longer; thankfully you received a text just in time to distract you for a bit. Jungkook [5:55 pm]: Hey baby, are we still on for tonight? As a present for yourself, you made plans with Jungkook to binge-watch some random Netflix series. Even though these activities were planned for the night, it seemed that both you and Jungkook knew precisely what would eventually happen tonight, finishing what both of you and him started in that closet earlier in the week. You went a step further and wore a shorter than appropriate skirt with a matching blouse, so he had easier access. You needed to get your frustration in your stomach to leave because it was just getting painful now. You [5:58 pm]: Of course :-) I’ll probs be done by 10pm, I’ll text you when I leave Namjoon’s office. You wanted to relish in the possible events that might occur when you see Jungkook tonight, but you knew better than to delay the inevitable. You wanted to zoom through these damn fucking essays. You lightly knocked on the door, immediately having Namjoon open it with a bright smile on his face. “Right on time, Y/N. Let’s get started. Please take a seat” He held the door open for you, and as you walked into the office, you kept the same pose you had the last time you saw him, face down with your hands interlocked in front of your thighs. Both you and Namjoon walked to your seats, and you sat in the chair opposing to his seat. As he sat down, he swiftly placed a grading sheet and a stack of essays in front of you. “So Y/N, grading these papers is pretty simple actually. You have to read them over and make sure that they follow the guidelines on the rubric.” He pointed to the grading sheet and continued, “And read them over for clarity and accuracy. If you have any questions or you need help, please don’t hesitate to ask.” Although his tone was stern, you can tell he was trying his best to be kind to you. “Okay, Mr. Kim, thank you.” You continued facing downwards as you nodded as your hands reached for a pen and the first essay of many, you just wanted to get through all of this quickly.

“Oh please Y/N, you can call me Namjoon. Although you’re here for outlandish reasons, you still don’t need to be formal with me right now.” Namjoon gave a soft smile, which caused you to blush a bit. You knew that you had to look at him to get through this night normally, but it was definitely easier said than done, especially with the way he looked at the moment. Often, you’d always see Namjoon in business-casual attire or his coaching uniform but today was a bit different because he was nothing but casual. Namjoon seemed to look ridiculously hot in everything he wore. He wore a plain black shirt, revealing his lean biceps and gave way for his broad shoulders, with light blue ripped jeans, which accentuated his legs nicely. You recognize his shirt as a merch from a K-Rock group you like, STB. “Is that an STB shirt?” You lift your head to speak to him, with confidence for the first time, which shocked you a bit moments afterward. “Yes, it is! You like them?” Namjoon spoke excitedly with the biggest grin on his face. “I think my favorite album by STB is ‘Hate Yourself: Him’ but my favorite song by them is probably ‘Cypher -69’. My bias is definitely RM, aka Red Mango.” “My bias is Seokjom, for sure. But I really like that album! I actually like the album, Burnt Wings, a bit better; I like the song, ‘BS&T.’ The choreography is absolutely wild.” You mentioned to Namjoon, hoping that he might care. “Wait, which song is BS&T?” Namjoon questioned. “BS&T is ‘Buns, Salt, & Tomato.’ It’s the song where all the members had an orange mohawk.” You clarified for him, surprised that he didn’t know the acronym for such a beautiful song. “Wait, I know that song! They all looked so good. I was a bit surprised they could all pull off an orange mohawk.” Namjoon chuckled as he placed more papers on your side of the desk. Feeling a bit more confident, you started asking Namjoon questions about himself, “So Namjoon, STB is a bit of a rated musical group. What’s a man like you doing listening to such bold music?” Namjoon seemed surprised when you asked, but it looked like he was happy to answer anyway. “To answer your question, I may be a professor who’s teaching theological morals at a Catholic college, but there’s nothing wrong with observing and occasionally diving in provocative acts.” He started to smirk at you as he leaned slightly closer to you. “But I can ask you the same question, Ms. Y/L/N.” “I, um, I--” You were shocked by such an answer, startled by the possible meaning behind his words. You practically froze in place, scaring yourself as you realize he can see you blushing from this angle. You could barely continue until Namjoon leaned even closer to your face and spoke lightly, “What’s wrong, Y/N? Cat got your tongue?”. He waited a few moments for you to speak but instead, you quickly faced the ground again, hiding your face which caused him to chuckle. Namjoon stood up and started walked around his desk, “Ya know Y/N, I’ve always noticed you could never look at me for more than a few moments, let alone find the words to speak to me properly. I wondered what caused you to do such things around me.” Namjoon had a sly smile once he sat in the chair right next to you. “Do I make you nervous, Y/N?” He cocked his head to the side in question towards you. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him, let alone answer his damn question. You were blushing profusely with embarrassment, but you couldn’t help yourself when he had such an effect on you with just his words. His hand lifted to tilt your chin in the direction of his face softly so that he can see your features. “Answer my question, Y/N,” Namjoon spoke with more force in his tone. “Y-yes” You stumbled over the one word because the feeling of his long fingers under your chins has small shocks moving straight to your core. “Yes, what, Y/N?” Namjoon moved your chin closer to his face, with his eyes taking the time to analyze the shape of your lips. “I’d like to speak a bit more formally with me right now.” You didn’t know what to say, but your mind couldn’t help go to the word that made him shudder and frozen in place. “Yes, s-sir” You felt like you were going to collapse, you just wanted to moan out and just starting begging him to touch you everywhere, but your lingering embarrassment was still in your veins and fresh in your face. “Good girl, I knew that you would get it quickly.” He let his hand fall from your chin to the legs. The pet-name made shivers run down your spine. Namjoon moved to sit in the seat next to you, the seat that Jungkook sat in only a few days ago. It almost caused you to started to squirm in your seat when you felt his ring-covered fingers digging into your thighs. “So tell me Y/N, why do I make you nervous?” The question makes your breathing erratic, The sounds of your breath coming out as heavy and uneven. Namjoon noticed your struggle to breathe, and so he continued, “Are you nervous because you find me attractive? Do I make your knees weak, sweetheart?” You slowly nodded your head, not trusting your voice because you knew the only thing that would come out is a moan. But it felt Namjoon squeezing your thighs, wanting a verbal answer. “Yes sir, you’re all I think about.” “Really? You’re such a sinful girl. Do you know how wrong it is to think of me in such a daring way?” You felt his hands slide under your skirt, moving slowly to your inner thighs. You started to squirm in your hands, needing to have his hands on you. “What is it, Y/N? Do you want me to touch you?” Namjoon’s fingertips moved to follow your panty line, causing you to whine. “Speak up for me, babygirl.” “Please sir, please touch me” You whine to him, slightly opening your legs up for him. As soon as you did that, you felt two fingers graze down your clothed core, only to realize how wet you are. “Such a naughty girl, I haven’t done a single thing to you, and you already ruined your panties” It seems as though Namjoon’s voice went an octave lower, causing you to drench your panties even more. Namjoon suddenly takes his hand from underneath your skirt and grabs your wrist. He stands up and pulls you up along with him, resulting in you standing between him and his desk. He closes the tiny gap between the both of you and grabs your hips with both hands to push you up on his desk. Namjoon slides his hand back to your core, moving your panties to the side to dip his fingers in your drenched folds. You sigh in nothing but relief because finally, your daydreams are coming true. You’re getting what you truly need, receiving the thing that will finally sedate the hunger that’s been haunting you for too many goddamn nights. The cheering in your head was momentarily interrupted when a shockwave runs through your body as you felt Namjoon press his thumb your clit. “Are you nervous now Y/N? Are you embarrassed with yourself?” Namjoon sneers his words as his thumb starts to create circles on your clit. He buries himself in your neck, leaving teasing pecks all the column of your throat. Your hands start covering your mouth, trying to conceal the moans that falling out. But Namjoon doesn’t like this one bit, so his other hand leaves your hips to grab your wrist with a tight grip and held it behind your lower back. He whispers in your ear, “Don’t hide yourself babygirl. Don’t you want people to hear you? You were definitely loud earlier with Jungkook. Did you want me to hear you, Y/N?” Namjoon lets his thumb fall your needy nub. He starts dipping his finger in your hole, moving it teasingly slow so he can bask in your whines. You nodded your head furiously, doing anything to get him to move faster. You might explode from the teasing that you’re starting to endure. But again, Namjoon didn’t like what you just did. So he shoves two fingers into your heat, until he’s knuckle-deep, only to still them completely. “Answer me right now or I wouldn’t fucking move.” You cry out from the sudden intrusion and shudder at the foreign feeling of coolness touching your walls caused by his rings. You force yourself to muster up an answer as your hips start buckling, “Y-yes sir, I-I wanted you to know.” Namjoon starts a slow pace with his fingers, curling them on the spot inside you, causing you to fall instantly on his desk. You start losing control of your free-falling moans at the feeling his rings sliding in and out of you. He just started, but you feel the coil in your stomach getting tighter quickly. “I wonder what everyone might think, to have such an unholy girl walk on our campus. To have someone among us, who is so easily influenced by their desires. A person that's willing to do anything to achieve them, even if it means getting finger-fucked in a messy closet or by your professor.” His pace starts getting faster, pulling his fingers all the way out only to slam them in deep within a second, making you lose all control over your moans. Your walls start clenching your fingers as the coil in your stomach gets ready to snap. You can barely understand how he’s got you so close in record time. His smirk was cocky as the soft tone of his voice meets your ears. “Babygirl, how are you ready so fast? Were you thinking about me doing this to you today? You probably think about me doing bad things to you often, huh?” “Yes! Yes! I do Sir, all the time” You cry out at the sudden urge to answer his question, hoping that would please him. “Are you gonna cum, Y/N? Are you gonna cum on my fingers shoved inside your needy little cunt? You better fucking beg for it” Namjoon snarled slightly at the words. “Please, sir! Please, let me cum. I’ll be so good for you. Sir. Please” Your legs start trembling uncontrollably as your high gets so damn close. “Then cum for me, babygirl,” You were a bit thrown off at the sudden change in tone from slightly rough to completely gentle. But your mind stopped working as Namjoon presses his thumb hard against your clit, snapping your coil. You felt your blood turn into lava as your high blessed your senses completely. Never have you came hard from someone’s fingers but Namjoon seemed to prove you wrong. There were only a few short moments of stillness before his fingers left your heat and started to rip off your blouse and skirt, leaving you in your bra and panties. Namjoon stepped back to take in your appearance, only to broadcast a small loving smile on his face. But his words immediately put you on edge again once they left his lips. “Babygirl, I can’t wait to ruin you.” His smile morphed into a sinister grin as he rushed back you and sent your bra flying across the room. He pulled open your legs and tore your panties off. He immediately got on his knees, so he was facing your sopping cunt. Namjoon traces the outline of your folds that send a wave of shivers throughout your body from the oversensitivity. “N-namjoon, please. I c-can’t”, but he immediately hushed your whimpers. You did something he didn’t enjoy, again. His unoccupied hand went straight to grip your chin harshly, and he sent a stare that both scared and excited you. “What did you just call me?” He growls as his intense gaze sends multiple spikes of adrenaline throughout your veins. “Sir please, I’m sorry, but I just can’t.” You spoke softly, not wanting to provoke him in any way. “Well unfortunately for you, Y/N, I already know that you can...” Namjoon’s voice went an octave lower as both hands sneaked their way to your calf muscles. “... And you will, anyway.” Before you could say anything, Namjoon dragged your legs forward and let go, letting them hang off the desk. He moved to tightly grip your hips and repeat a similar action, pulling your hips towards his face. Instantly, he dove into your core and licked a bold strip between your folds before his tongue started hitting your clit. Your moans were strained and filled the room as you arch your back. The pleasure was just so raw, you felt it throughout your body, and it was intoxicating. You thought it couldn’t get any better, Namjoon pushed his fingers moved back to your entrance, and you clenched at the feeling, whining loudly as your thighs shook. His fingers moved at a furious pace, hitting your sweet spot hard each time. “Goddamnit babygirl, how are you still so tight? I wonder, did Jungkook made you this wet? Did he make you cum this fast?” Namjoon started to groan when your walls were clutching harder onto his fingers. When you didn’t answer his question, his other hand smacked your ass, and you cried out. The pain of his ring-covered hands spanking your cheeks only added to the immense pleasure that you could barely handle. Your second orgasm was approaching, but you can hardly hold yourself together. “Answer me when I’m fucking talking to you” Namjoon’s voice dripped in raspiness. No man has ever been rough with you at this point, but Namjoon was seriously making you rethink all your preferences. “N-no Sir, Jungkook didn’t make me cum. H-he didn’t make me wet. You did, it’s a-all for you, Sir.” You barely had any control over the shakiness in your voice, but you didn’t care, not with the way he’s making you feel right now. “Awh babygirl, you’re so damn dirty. Thinking of another man when you’re being touched by someone else? I didn’t know you needed me so fucking bad.” His words continued igniting a fire that was growing through every part of your body. Namjoon was right, his words were exact. You’d do anything for this man, and you don’t think you can even go back to anyone else. Your thoughts were confirmed when he added a third finger to the mix, sending you straight to the end. Your release was fast approaching, but your hazy mind told you that you wouldn’t experience absolute bliss until you asked. “Sir please, can I please cum? I w-want it so bad” you whined for relief, you needed it so badly. “Such a good girl, asking for permission. Go ahead, cum for me.” As soon as the words left his mouth, your mind went foggy as the instantaneous pleasure migrate throughout your body, causing your body to fall limp. You felt exhaustion ease into your body, not noticing the sound of Namjoon unbuckling his jeans, or his pants falling to the floor. Your attention returned when he lifted you off the desk, only to turn you around and bend you over his desk. He held a vise-grip on your hips and pushed you against him. You felt his hard cock right behind your cheeks of your ass. “S-sir, I’m so sensitive.” You sighed in fatigue, only to have that interrupted by the feeling of his tip at your entrance. “Isn’t this what you want, Y/N?...” Namjoon slowly pushed himself all the way into your hole, having you mewl in oversensitivity. The cock was so thick, and you haven’t felt anyone so deep inside you, touching parts of you that you never knew needed to be touched. Namjoon groaned in pleasure, your hole tight around his cock. The exhilaration took his breath away briefly, momentarily forgetting about his surroundings. After of few moments of letting both of you adjust to the snug fit, he pulled all the way out, only to slam right back into you. Namjoon continued to speak with a bit of strain, “... To get fucked on my fat cock? To have me fuck you so damn hard that you pass out? Because that’s what I’m gonna do, I wouldn’t stop until you fucking pass out.” Your eyes welled up with tears of pleasure as his hard-hitting pace grew faster. Your moans turned into screams due to the massive amount of pleasure building in your stomach. Your senses were completely overloaded, and you felt fucking everything. “Look at you, taking my cock so fucking well. Letting me stretch out your greedy little cunt.” The growl of his words sounded sinister. You suddenly felt one of his hands leave your hip, slithering its way to your throat; he spread his fingers out as he wrapped them around your neck. Your withering walls clamped hard around his cock at the feeling, causing him to groan as loud as your screams. “Are you gonna cum for me, Y/N? Are you gonna cum hard on my cock?” Namjoon spoke as his grip on your throat became tighter, and his pace became harder. The insufficient amount of oxygen to your brain left you to choke out an answer, “Yes! Yes, sir!” “Then do it, cum all over my cock, babygirl” He releases his grip on your throat, letting the air race back into your lungs and head; almost immediately, you scream out a constant mantra of Namjoon’s name as your high hit you like a freight train. Your entire body shook as your mind went blank of only white burning pleasure. Your whole being was in a trance of nirvana, all you could do is bask in the sensations that froze the blood in your body. You could barely feel Namjoon pulling out and turning you around to face him, the daze having you laid there as you sigh in relief. However, it was interrupted completely when Namjoon turns grabs you by the thighs and lifts you, only to have you straddle his lap while he sits in the chair you previously sat in. Your eyes glanced and almost bulge out of their sockets when you see he was still as hard as a fucking rock. “N-namjoon, I--” Your shaky sentence was already cut short when you felt Namjoon’s cock against your leaking folds. “One more, sweetheart,” He cupped your tear-stained, blushing cheeks in the palms of his hands. Your eyes slowly glanced up to look into his, only to find a tenderness to them. Namjoon started to place soft kisses along both sides of your jawline. “I promise, okay?” As Namjoon spoke, he moved to gaze into your eyes, searching for any sign of discomfort. From the warmth in his tone and tenderness in his eyes, you nodded your head with a weak “okay.” Namjoon lifted you slightly only as he moved his one of his hands to rest his tip your entrance. The hand that was cupping cheeks pull you closer to his face, letting him plant the first actual kiss of the night. His lips were plush and soft against yours; his gentle kiss left you with a warmth growing in your chest, leading you to chase his lips for more. You tangled your fingers in his hair, tugging ever so slightly, causing him to moan. His lips distract you as he slowly pushed back inside you. You broke the kiss to shake out a broken gasp. Your oversensitivity left your body shuddering uncontrollably, along with whimpers falling from your agape mouth. Namjoon stays still for a few moments, placing kisses all over your neck and face with constant reassurances of how lovely you are. He rubbed your back, to comfort you. These actions left you confused; you were quite honestly dumbstruck at the sudden sexual change from rough to gentle. Namjoon started to move; his thrusts were nothing like the recent occasion. Instead of hard-hitting pace, he moved slowly and passionately; he wasn’t thrusting roughly, Namjoon grinded his cock into you at a pace where it seemed like he wanted to savor each moment he had with you. His grinding movement limited the amount of stimulation you felt, letting your high build at a slow pace. “Sweetheart, you’re doing such a good job, taking me so well.” Namjoon moved his lips to whispered in your ear, “You feel so good around me, so tight and wet. You’re such a good girl.” As he continues moaning praises into your ear, his pace started becoming uneven and sloppy. His breathing pattern became heavier and strained as he spoke, “Come on sweetheart, cum with me. You can do it, just let go.” Namjoon grinded his hips upward, hitting your clit in the process which caused you to snap and reach your high. You were only aware of body violently trembling as your orgasm soars through you. Your release was prolonged, as Namjoon colored your swollen walls in white, burying his head into your neck as he groans in the process. Both of you stay still in comforting silence, the sounds of erratic breathing only filling the room. After a few moments, Namjoon stands up to carefully lifts your body off of him, pulling out in the process, and lays you on his desk. He grabs a few tissues and opens your legs gently to clean the leaking cum from your heat cautiously. You’re unaware of your surroundings or Namjoon as you were completely and utterly fucked out. You were barely conscious when he sits you up and tries to get water down your throat. You start to come back to life when you felt your skirt being pulled onto you. You realize Namjoon put your clothes back on you, surprised at such the kind behavior. “Namj-joon...” You weren’t necessarily shocked to find your voice to be small and weak. Namjoon chuckled at the sound of your voice, “Well hi there, you were bit dazed out for a few minutes there. I was afraid that I actually fucked your brains out.” You huffed out, “I c-can’t help it, I came four times. I still feel a bit hazy honestly.” You moved to stand up, but your legs gave out on you, causing you to almost fall to the ground. Thankfully, Namjoon was quick enough to catch you.

“Woah there, you gotta be careful Y/N.” Namjoon lifts you back to his desk and hands you a water bottle while shooting you a smile, “Give yourself a few moments to breathe a bit and whenever you’re ready, I’ll get some food with you and walk you back to your apartment.” Namjoon starts to fix himself up a bit more afterward. You did by drinking the water steadily, relaxing your breathing a bit every few sips. While doing so, you decided looked at your phone, checking for any possible notifications you missed. You stifle a laugh when you look at the time, encountering a large number of messages from Jungkook, saying something along of the “where are you?” and “did you fucking dip on me?” and only to see that it’s 2 hours past the time you were supposed to meet up with the boy. You text him a quick “sorry :/, but i’m out” and put your phone down. You look around Namjoon’s desk, and you end up sighing in slight frustration. The essays you were supposed to grade were all over the place, and some papers even covered in sweat. Namjoon notices you looking around at the essays, so he turns towards you and speaks, “You don’t have to worry about that right now.” Unsure of what exactly to say, you decide to ask him questions about your possible grading, “Wait really? Are you sure?” “Yeah, it’s no problem Y/N” Namjoon walks to you, wrapping his arm around your waist. He pulls you down from the desk so that you’re standing steadily due to his grip. You glanced up to his towering face to find a cocky smirk. He starts chuckling as he walks you out of his office, “You just have to come in this weekend and grade them with me instead.”

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pestopascal · 4 years

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i feel like liara was written solely with a romance in mind and never really friendship. she couldve been used to give us more asari politics and pureblooded background stuff but she got just as much screwed over by bioware as did every interaction with her imo

oh yeah definitely. i know this conversation is like beating a dead horse, yknow, a decade later, but there’s no absolute friendship path with her. she’s always... in love with shepard? there’s no real hard line you can pull with her. you can’t even really point out she shouldn’t have given shepards body to cerberus, that it wasnt her call, that she didnt tell anyone else... like you only get to be like “oh why didnt you tell me” like??? anyway,

i think her character, personally, was wasted. while the shadow broker dlc was great and funny and actually made reference to shep’s backstory, and tela vasir was wicked with the charging thing (although so funny being lvl30 with a 2 second cooldown on charge and shes not getting any chance to charge either)... she’s touted as a prothean expert? she did honestly help shepard to understand the visions... and it kind of got lost somewhere around end of me1 and beginning of me3, only became relevant to her again on mars for plot reasons. oh and of course with how she speaks to javik for a good chunk of the game once you recruit him. yeah.

like i dont know if its also a huge thing with what even was the plot in the end besides “reapers” because, real talk, me2 was building on something that was mentioned a few times in me1, it got abandoned, it doesnt narratively fit anymore. shuffle everyone’s priorities around and whatnot. but idk they wrote a lot of liara under the assumption she was probably romanced, so she doesnt really get anything else... which is a failing of the writing. ppl did complain about how she has no other dialogue for a romance and its like... thats bc she was written to be romanced. it came first, her character and abilities and emotions all came second. every interaction with her is literally a romance part. why you get some awkward interactions later on where people reference it (the fucking “my girl” line just. god. why.)

and as far as the asari go, yeah. like wrex, tali, and garrus, liara wouldve been a great thread into the interpolitics of asari, as mass effect is written heavily human biased (like with the whole “no one has seen a quarian face” but garrus coughed in a serial killer quarians face so. hm.). also like we know there are issues with pureblooded children (doesnt have to have anything to do with ardat-yakshi which no one else besides cora apparently knows about), liara does have a half hanar sibling out there somewhere, her mother was quite well respected prior to saren’s bullshit, we know liara’s dad was laughed out of the asari airspace for daring to question the encouragement of maiden stage and so on like. we just got broad strokes of it instead of like. being involved in some way. odd mission. she wasnt a squadmate in me2, but she was on illium. couldve had something there as it is still asari space but its like a dressed up version of omega. me3, build on it again.

like they are such a formulaic company, and yet... when they dare to try something different they double back on it and make it a mess. and liara isnt even the formula or anything different. shes just their pet favourite and even she got the short end of the stick, because they gave her stuff like collecting shepards broken armour and putting it in a case in her apartment or apparently being the only one who cared enough to recover shepards body or mind melding 4873847 times or being auto picked by the game if you happen to be flirting with two people at once, or emphasised how young and youthful and naive she was but then did a 180 on her character and made her like her mother like. lmao. you have one opportunity in me1 iirc to turn her down, assuming you dont accidentally ask her about anything asari culture wise or you lock in. you have i think at least 6 chains to turn down the VS youre interested in.

shes all over the place yknow

#replies #also asari politic stuff meant we would probably see more than everything else we're stuck with #Anonymous

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two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat · 4 years

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CW: transphobia, homophobia. Also pretty long and I'm on mobile so I cant put a read more thing on it.

Ok so this is kind of a personal post so if you don't wanna hear about some of my personal drama, just scroll along. But I feel like I need to get this shit on record somewhere since I don't have the screenshots of the texts this is concerning anymore.

So a little over a year ago, I told the person who'd been my best friend, we'll call her E, since I was about 9 that I didnt want to be friends with her anymore. More on that later.

Back in senior year of high school I started thinking I might be Bi. I brought this up to E and she was super dismissive right off that bat. Saying that I wasnt, sounding like she was trying to console me. Like being Bi was this awful thing that I needed to worry about.

Well fast forward about a year and a half and I went up to my college with her so I could do new student orientation since I was starting the next semester. This is when the fact that I was Bi sort of smacked me in the face because the girl doing my orientation was super hot. I immediately knew I wouldnt be telling E that.

Fast forward to march of 2017. Its spring break. I've reconnected with my high school friends. I've never felt the need to hide my sexuality from them and they were instantly nothing but supportive of me. We never really hung out outside of school back in high school (or in elementary school either in Eric's case.) I start realizing that I've been having more fun with them then I ever did with E. And I finally had people to geek out about sciencey stuff with because E doesnt believe in science but eric LOVES science. It was nice.

Well a couple weeks after spring break me and Es mutual friend Althea asked me to drive her to the shelter so she could get her boyfriends cat fixed (it's way cheaper there then at the vet) and spent the day hanging out with her because she WAS planning to walk back there to pick up the cat afterwards and I was like "uh no. I'm not gonna make you walk across town by yourself." So I finally got to meet her boyfriend. Well that afternoon E came and picked me up to go up to the KU campus to get some more bus passes to go to our college in KC because our school was out of bus passes and didnt know when theyd get more.

Here's when I kinda started to realize I should maybe get out of this friendship. On the way to campus E starts telling me about her day at school and how "theres a girl that used to be a guy in one of my teachers other classes. It's making me uncomfortable."

Me: "that sounds like a you problem, E."

Now I knew she kind of thought that way already. She may not have said shit like that around our other friends but I had to hear it a lot. But because I'm pretty nonconfrontational and she was my only close friend outside of school and I was terrified of being alone, I usually just ignored it or politely debated her about it but generally just agreed to disagree. This was the first time I ever decided to speak up to her about it. Unfortunately I couldnt say much cuz her mom was the one driving us and i knew she agreed with everything E said.

But I'd been hanging out with althea and her boyfriend (who just so happened to be trans) all morning so suddenly having to hear E talk about how uncomfortable trans people make her got me more fired up than usual.

After this I slowly started distancing myself from her. I'd been hoping for a few years that she'd grow up and accept that not everyone is like her and try to be more open minded and accepting of people. Apparently that wasnt happening.

I stopped responding to her texts as often. I was trying to think of a way to talk to her about it but all my past friendships that fell apart, did so naturally and on a silent mutual agreement. So I was half hoping that would happen. Pretty stupid. Dont recommend. Just be straight with people.

After a few months of me only answering her texts every once in a while, she decided to start calling me multiple times a week. Often while I was at work. Sometimes from her mom and sisters phones when I wouldnt answer from her number. Idk y she thought that would work. She knows I hate talking on the phone.

I still didnt know what to say to her. I probably should've just told her I needed some space and she might've backed off for awhile so I could figure it out. But subway stressed me tf out. And i have no idea how you're supposed to end a relationship with your best friend of over 10 years.

(Also some of my other reasons for not wanting to be friends with her were specifically because of althea and I didnt want althea to get dragged into it. Unfortunately it ended up happening anyways. But basically back in highschool, if we were planning for all four of us (me, e, althea, and nikki) to get together, and nikki would have something come up, E would tell althea our get together was cancelled but would still have me come over and then made me promise not to say anything to althea about it.)

Around march or april of last year I blocked her family's numbers. This is when they started showing up at my work. The first time it happened I had a long ass line and was helping my coworker get through it before I left. Her sister came in by herself and just asked how I was doing but left pretty quick after she got her sandwich since it was busy. A couple more times they came and just parked outside like they were waiting for me to get off my shift but ended up leaving. The last time it happened E came in while I was there alone and I really didnt wanna have THAT conversation while i was at work alone and her crazy overprotective mom was out in the car waiting for her. So i made her sandwich very quickly so i could get her out as fast as I could.

I was planning on finally talking to her around the end of april but was still having trouble figuring out what to say.

Unfortunately any plan I had to let her down easy was sort of thrown out the window on may 13th of last year.

My mom texted me that morning about how she got a weird call from Es aunt. On her work phone. This is basically how that call went:

"IS THIS OLIVIAS MOM?????"

My mom, suddenly worried it's my work and something happened to me, "Yes?"

"Why isnt olivia talking to E anymore?"

"............I dont know."

So that kind of crossed a line for me. It really freaked my mom out.

I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when I'm mad or stressed out tho. So my friend Alice ended up writing out the text for me and I read through it to make sure it was ok.

Basically it said "I'm sorry but I dont think we can be friends anymore. The way you talk about the LGBT+ community makes me extremely uncomfortable, especially seeing as I am bisexual and have several friends in the community. The way you used to exclude althea from hanging out with us because you think shes annoying and then expect me to lie to her about it makes me uncomfortable. It was inappropriate to show up at my work unannounced to corner me into talking to you when I needed space. And it was even more inappropriate for your relatives to call my mom at work. I'm sorry I didnt say something sooner but I'm tired of pretending I'm ok with everything you've said over the years."

Then her mom texts me. I dont remember all of it but the gist was "you're a horrible person. E never judged you or anyone else (sure, miss "gay people are gross. I can see how conversion therapy might work." Totally isnt judging anyone and 100% cares about the lgbt+ community.) The only reason she did those things is because she was worried about you."

Then E left me a voicemail that I couldnt understand at all cuz she was crying and I felt terrible even tho everyone was telling me I shouldn't. Now I probably should've taken out the part about althea because it effectively threw my "not wanting to get althea involved" plan out the window. Honestly what really pissed me off about this next part both made me pissed at E but also at myself. E removed herself from the group chat I had with her, nikki, and althea. Blocked althea on Facebook and blocked her number. Didnt bother to explain why. I still feel terrible about this even tho althea has told me many times that it's fine and if she'd had to pick a side she wouldve picked mine. But I still felt like she at least deserved an explanation.

Alice told me to screenshot the texts. I almost didn't cuz I just wanted to forget about all this. But I did.

Anyways life moved on. Eric got a new phone and gave me his beat up galaxy s7. I stuck my s6 into a drawer and let it die and forgot about it.

Then on new years I got a call from althea. Not weird at all. She calls me every major holiday and birthday. Shes done this every year since junior year of high school.

Normal phone call at first. But then she says that her mom has been talking to E's mom. Apparently E's mom told altheas mom that I told E that althea hates her and thinks shes a terrible person and that's why E hasnt been talking to althea. Althea of course didnt believe that but wanted me know about it. This prompted me to try and charge up my old phone and get the screenshots off of it. I had it plugged in for a couple of days and it never turned back on. So that's out apparently.

That's also why I felt the need to get all of this written down. It may not be as great as having the actual screenshots but I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when confronted so I want to have something written down in case any of this comes up again.

#cw: transphobia #cw: homophobia #i needed to get this out while i could actually put it into words #this is the first time in a while that i actually can #personal #homophobia #transphobia #i never post stuff like this so hopefully im tagging it right

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things-we-used-tc-share · 5 years

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On the topic of love

(And how romance is not the be all and end all)

Warnings: None

Ship: Analogical

Plot: Virgil loves Logan and Logan loves Virgil, but romance has never quite fascinated them both. (QPR!Analogical) (Asexual!Virgil) (Aromantic!Logan) (Mentioned hyper-romantic and polyamorous!Roman)

Written for: @creativity-killed-thekitten and @softestvirgil (Yeah I saw u in the comments of that post)

It starts with a question, the first of many “Logan? Are you...gay?” Now it’s not as if anyone had assumed he was straight in the first place in all honesty, if you were part of this group it was assumed by them and everyone else that you were in fact, gay. It had only just dawned on Roman that whilst the other members of the group quite often discussed their sexuality, Logan had never done so. Roman also never knows when a question shouldn’t be just asked outright as he receives a swift elbow in the ribs from Virgil.

“Not particularly,” The elder remains unfazed by the question however as he takes a sip of his coffee and leans back on the chair “I don’t actually experience romantic attraction at all, I believe the term is Aromantic,” Roman let’s out a ‘huh’ noise and looks down at his own drink before he decides that he had no idea that such a thing existed.

“Cool,” he finally says with a shrug, his attention taken elsewhere.

Virgil however, is digesting the information slowly. Unlike Roman, who loved everyone he came across romantically, possibly the perk of being A) hyper-romantic and B) Polyamorous, Virgil didn’t often find romance something that interested him. He knew he wasn’t Aromantic, he still occasionally had romantic feelings, but for him, platonic love was first and foremost.

The youngest mulls this over in his mind for days after the situation before he simply bites the bullet and goes to Logan himself to talk more. Honestly, now that he’d thought of it he’d never actually seen Logan romantically invested in anyone; in high school whilst Roman and Patton had been endlessly gushing about boys, Logan had found books to be far more interesting.

He’d known the other man for almost his entire life and he wasn't sure why he hadn’t put two and two together in the first place. “Hey L?” The elder hums in response from where he’s currently making two cups of coffee “Do you know what a queerplatonic relationship is?” Logan pauses for a moment with the spoon coming to halt in his hand as he searches his mind for an answer. Finally, he continues stirring and nods.

“Yes, Virgil, I do,” He places the spoon in the sink and carries the two cups over too the breakfast bar, taking a seat opposite the other as he hands his coffee over “Is that what you came here to discuss?” Virgil nods “Well, I feel a queerplatonic relationship is possibly the only relationship other than generalized friendship that I could actually take part in,” He takes a sip of his coffee and makes a noise of discomfort as it burns his tongue. “When I first discovered Aromanticism as a term that I identified with, it frequented many of my searches,” Virgil, always the worrier, worried that Logan had gone through all that searching and looking for answers by himself. He wondered how Logan had felt then, had he been scared? Lost? Had he thought there was something wrong with him? The questions go through his mind before he finally settles on ‘Why didn’t he ask us for help?’

He supposes it’s because Logan is Logan. He’s never once asked them for help and he doubts he ever will. And all those questions may be questions Virgil wants to ask but he knows they’re not ones Logan’s going to want to answer. So he doesn’t ask. Maybe one day Logan will simply bring up the topic himself.

“Would you be interested in a QPR?” Virgil asks tentatively, his eyes focused on the coffee as it moves around in the white porcelain cup. Never before has he been interested in ceramics, but today was not too late to suddenly care about the texture of cups.

“Correct me if I’m wrong Virgil, but it does seem like there’s a part of that sentence that’s gone unspoken,” Virgil finally dares himself to meet Logan’s gaze, but finds only a small smile on his lips “If you’re asking if I’m interested in a Queerplatonic relationship with you Virgil, the answer is yes,” Virgil feels the nervous feelings drift away just a little, like a rock easing up off his chest. Logan offers one of his rare genuine smiles and Virgil can’t really resist but smile back.

They establish their boundaries as they go, Virgil had already made it known before he’d even hit the end of high school that he was Asexual and that sex was a big no for him; Logan, despite not being Asexual did not find sex to be a particularly interesting thing. Their relationship was not mutually exclusive, so should Virgil fall in love with someone romantically, Logan was all but happy for him to do so and vice verse if Logan wanted to seek experiences that Virgil could not provide outside of their relationship, Virgil was more than happy to let him (Even encourage him to do so).

They both liked the quiet, it was their most common factor. Virgil would curl up beside Logan and the other would play with his hair and read to him in an otherwise silent room. Sometimes they would just lie together for a bit, Virgil would play on his phone and Logan would read or watch TV. It’s a comfortable existence when you have a friend who is there for you all the time, Virgil’s Anxiety would sometimes make its waves and Logan would know how to calm him down immediately. Something a little different from normal friendship.

There was more continuity for a start, they’d see each other almost every day and Virgil would all but fling himself onto Logan’s couch whilst the other listened to him talk about just how long his day has been. They talked more, cuddled a lot, and sometimes they’d just exist in the same space in content. Logan especially became more open with the things he’d previously not been comfortable to talk about with anyone. Virgil eventually got answers to his unasked questions.

“When I first thought about being Aromantic, I didn’t know what it was,” Logan starts, his eyes drifting from spot to spot on the wall and never at Virgil; he was anxious and this was a trait the violet-haired man could spot a mile away, his head rests on Logan’s shoulder to offer some quiet comfort. “You understand that I have always felt like I don’t fit in with other’s, even with the friendships I achieved throughout my life I’ve always felt like I was different for a multitude of reason’s,” Virgil nods, he had after all known Logan since they were very young, he hadn’t been blind to the comments others made about the elder boy. “I felt out of place my entire life and this was simply another reason why so it didn’t cause me much distress but I would be lying to say it caused me none at all,” Virgil gives the other man's arm a squeeze to show he is still listening.

“I know you, and I know you’re likely to be feeling like I should have told you or Roman or even Patton and you would’ve helped,” Virgil nods to show that Logan is correct “But if I’m being honest I felt like this was too small of a problem to consult you on, around the same time you were opening up to being Asexual, Roman had three different relationships that he was trying to balance and Patton was having a sexuality crisis that would have been too much stress, I didn’t want to interfere with your journeys in an attempt to figure out my own,”

Virgil softens a little, realizing the gap was there for him to talk as he gives Logan’s arm another firm squeeze. “I think you’re too kind Logan, sometimes,” It makes the man in question snort a little considering his entire life he’d been told the exact opposite “We can’t change the past, but in the future I want you to know no matter how big or small the problem is, or how distant or close we are, I will always be happy to help you,” The elder gives a small smile and kisses the top of Virgil’s head gently.

“Thank you, Virgil,” He hadn’t quite known he’d needed to hear those exact words, but he quietly thanks his own ego for putting itself in check long enough for him to talk about it.

Not long after, they curled up together on Logan’s bed. Logan, with one arm around Virgil’s shoulder, catching strands of his hair and twirling it between his fingers, hums whilst his eyes peer through his glasses to read the words on the open pages of the book in his free hand. A cup of coffee is going cold on the windowsill as Virgil slowly forgets it’s even there, his focus on the phone in his hand. He likes the comfort, he decides, the closeness, it could be intense sometimes but at the same time, the platonic intimacy was something he never really wants to give up. He smiles slightly and closes his eyes, allowing the darkness (Lit only by Logan’s calm blue reading lamp) to take over his tiredness, lulling him slowly to sleep.

((asdfghjkl I hope this was okay? I’ve only ever been in one (1) QPR before so I hope I did okay with the representation! I know lots of QPR’s can be very different))

Taglist:

@analogical-mess // @unikornavenger // @mycatshuman // @creativity-killed-thekitten//@theresneverenoughfandoms //@charmingprincey//@aclickonapostwillchangeyourlife//@heck-im-lost//@k9cat//@stilljittery//@romansleftshoulderpad//@sanderssideslibrary //@max-is-tired//@therealmoshar//@punsterterry//@trashypansexual//@miserykillme//@demigodnamedathena//@sevencrashing // @misunderstood-shadow // @aphriteblack // @jemthebookworm //

Add yourself to my taglist: Sanders Sides/Thomas Sanders

If you like what I do and feel like supporting my writing or my illustrations, then please consider buying me a virtual coffee!

#sanders sides #analogical

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ecoamerica · 2 months

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youtube

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

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waffles-hamato · 5 years

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Helping With Anxiety

Since I feel like I dont contribute much to this site I've decided to make mty own guide to helping with some forms of anxiety. I'm only going to cover ones I have though as to not step over a line.

How to Deal with Social Anxiety:

Social Anxiety is a fear of social situations like parties or sometimes just going to school/work. My social anxiety was bad growing up but I've learned to deal with it better now.

1. Little Movements: For me I got socially anxious because I never know what to do with my hands and felt like people were judging me for that. So sometimes playing with something small helped to get my nerves down.

I personally enjoy my fidget spinner and cube but there are other things you can use. Just have anything you're comfortable with and you'll do great ❤

2. Writing: In school I usually get super anxious but whenever I do I write down my thoughts and start to calm down. It's just something about getting it out that made me feel better, like if you have a stomach virus and vomit it out through the process. Always carry a notebook if you want to get the thoughts out somehow but have no one to talk to at the moment, decorate the book however you want so it feels like YOUR book and only yours, and unless you give consent, no one is allowed to read it. Let it be your safe space where there is no judgment.

3. Discreet Meditation: Through my counseling my therapist taught me a few meditation tricks that helped lower my anxiety level. But only one can actually be done in public as far as I know. This one just helps to make it easier to make your stress/anxiety to disappear. (Step one: Clear your head as best you can, if you can't then that's okay but try to focus as much as possible.

(Step two: Start focusing down to your feet, think of how your shoe feels around it, your socks, how tight the laces are, etc.

(Step three: Start moving your focus through your ankles and up yours legs. Think of how your pants feel/the air around your legs.

(Step four: Move the focus up your torso, think of how your stomach feels at the moment, your chest, your sides. Do you feel any form of bad feeling/anxiety/stress? If you do focus more on that feeling and think 'Unimportant' over and over. After a while the feeling should go away. If it doesnt go fully away then that's completely fine, you're still doing great.

(Step five and final step: Move the focus up your neck and to your head (if possible an inch above your head) and think of how your brain is doing, how your hair feels, the sounds your hearing. Is there any form of bad thinking/anxiety/stress? If so then do the same as you wouldve done if it was in your torso area. But remember if the feeling doesnt fully go away it's alright. You're doing an amazing job going through it.

4. Listening to Music: I absolutely love music and sometimes when I'm feeling anxious in a social situation it's a great escape and helps to calm me. Make a playlist for that special occasion of personal therapy.

I personally love hearing Thomas Sanders voice because I have connected him to a happy part of my brain. If you have a good connection to an artist and one or more of their songs then I suggest starting your playlist with that. As you can see I have a lot of songs but that's because I'm scattered and can never tell my mood for when I want to listen but I always start with Thomas to get me in a beginning of a good mood. Just put in your playlist whatever feels right for you and itll be great.

How to Deal with Regular Anxiety:

I also have the normal form of anxiety which my therapist just calls extreme paranoia and overthinking. You dont even ahve to be in a social situation or anything special to have this it just....happens. This also connects to mty phobias but I dont believe I shall get into those now.

1. Little/Big Movements: This is the same thing I do with my social anxiety but it still works by yourself. Just play with a small thing or if you want you can even hug a beloved stuffed animal. If you have a loved one nearby maybe cuddling them or getting a hug will help. (I dont like being touched a lot but that's just me personally) You could even do little exercises to get that dopemine running, although I dont recommend a full on big workout while you're anxious because your brain may not take it well and neither will your body so just do small ones.

2. Listening to Music: Yes this is also the same but it still works. Pop out that playlist and listen to those glorious jams your beautiful brain chose just for you.

3. Meditation: Meditation works more effectively here because you get to do more and imagine more. I was only told two so theres this one and the other one for social anxiety. Usually I have another person talking the instructions to me so if you want you can do that or get a recording of the instructions because your brain should be mostly clear for this and not remembering them. (Step one: Sit down and close your eyes, your hands on your legs with your palms facing up

(Step two: Imagine you're in a forest. What kind of trees are there? Do you smell anything? Hear any sounds? (If you cant answer them it's okay, just keep going)

(Step three: Start walking through the forest, focus on the swish of the grass, crunch of the leaves, or clicking of the gravel as you do so

(Step four: Walk through. aclesring of the trees so you're at a lake. Sit down by the lake and focus. Do you hear the sound of the water flowing? Are you sitting by anything? Do you feel anything at the tip of your fingers? How about any sounds?

(Step five: Take a deep breath and close your eyes in the imagination. Let out the breath and slowly take in another

(Step six: Open your eyes. How do you feel?

4. Talk it Out: If you're comfortable enough with someone to the point you're able to talk to them about your problems then go ahead. Let it all flow out. If you know that person will support you through those thoughts and that talk then go for it. Get a hug from them, get their feedback, just get it all out on the table.

5. Counseling: If you're struggling even more than you thought then I suggest seeing a professional. They give you a new insight of the problems you face and will even give you more ways to face them then you could have imagined. Sometimes it's better to have someone who hasnt seen your stuff first hand but hears it from you. When I went, I had never felt like telling my friends my problems because I thought I would hurt them or they wouldnt care so it felt great to actually go to someone I didnt know and that didnt know me even if it was awkward at first. She listened, gave me advice, and at one point we became pretty cool with each other. It's worth a shot to go see a counselor so just give it a shot okay buddy?

6. Take A Nap: Being anxious can also be exhausting. Sometimes I wont get a good night's sleep because of my nerves and I see that as unhealthy. Not getting enough sleep can hurt your mind and make you weak. If you're tired, take a quick nap to clear your head and regain your strength. Anxiety shouldn't be allowed to physically hurt you so dont let it, start fighting back by just sleeping even for five more minutes.

7. Breath: When you're feeling really anxious it can be hard to take full breaths. Just try to relax as much as possible and slow down your breathing. I got my routine from Thomas Sanders and it helps a lot. Breath in for 5 seconds, hold in for 7 seconds, and breath out for 8 seconds. Keep going until you feel better. If that routine doesn't work for you then continue experimenting and find tyour own routine to help YOU. It's your choice on how to breathe, just make sure it a deep breath.

I hope some of this will help someone out there. I'm still figuring stuff out myself so it's okay if none of it works for you because I know people find their own special ways to deal with anxiety. So remember that I will support you in spirit with whatever helps you. See you in the next post everyone ❤

#mentalstrength #mental health #mental help

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littlemisssquiggles · 5 years

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RWBY Musings #65: A Tale of Love. A Squiggle Meister’s Views on the similarities between Oscar and Salem

Someone asked “ Now I love parallels too and I’ve noticed that you would like to see a rosegarden Ozma Salem hand hold. As cute as that sounds, it kinda scares me. Ozma and Salem ended in tragedy. What would happen to Ruby and Oscar 😞 “

Squiggles Answers:

I'd love to see the hand hold scene mirrored in Ruby and Oscar because it was done during a moment where Salem and Ozma reunited and re-established their love for one another.

While Salem and Ozma's romance ended in tragedy, I still adore their love story because before their whole involvement with the Gods respectfully, they both first and foremost were two young lovers who wanted more than anything just to be together forever and went above and beyond to do that even if it meant disobeying the Gods.

The true tragedy wasn't that Ozma and Salem wound up sworn enemies but mainly how much the God's intervention changed them into two people unrecognizable from who they used to be to the point where you wouldn't believe either loved the other to the point of defying both the Gods and death itself to be reunited.

The positive that I take away from the Tragic Lovers or Fairy Tale (I think that’s their ship name) romance is the unyielding devotion and strength of their love or at least what it used to be. How much Salem and Ozma were willing to go through just to be together. Salem approached the Gods to beg for Ozma to be brought back to life for her because she couldn’t stand living the rest of her days without him and Ozma only chose to return to Remnant because the God of Light told him that Salem was still alive in that world. Let’s not forget that Ozma initially refused his godly task because in his eyes, Remnant wasn’t the same or as dear to him without his beloved Salem.

This is why I like this ship so much. Before RWBY revealed Ozpin and Salem’s past together, I was gunning for them to be lovers from the get go. Hence my previous musings like this one, this one and this one. I knew their love was going to end in pain anyways but I was still banking on them being companions and lovers and what we got was even more bittersweet than what I envisioned. A brave knight who rescued a lonely maiden from her captivity and the two fell deeply in love ever after. Who wouldn’t eat that up? This squiggle meister surely would. I’m a sucker for those types of romance stories. It hurts when you think about what Ozma and Salem’s tale became in the end. But I still ship it though. Still loving that Fairy Tale.

That's what I'd love to see and can see for a potential romance between Ruby and Oscar. Not the tragedy part, of course, although let’s admit, it will be in there since time and fate will arrive to challenge the bond between these two smaller, more honest souls given one’s connection to a certain other character.

Nevertheless, what I mostly would love to see in a future RoseGarden love story (if it’s in the cards) is that that unyielding love. That strong devotion to one another’s well-being and protecting each other while fighting together for what they both believe in and the lives of the people they both care about. When I look at Ruby, her righteous heart and desire to help others actually reminds me a lot of Ozma. You would think it’d be Salem but nah. I can actually see similarities between Salem and Oscar. Oscar’s infatuation with Ruby and obvious admiration of her strength, courageousness and pure heart reminds me of how Salem used to revere Ozma. Well…at least in that one shot we got.

Another similarity between Oscar and Past Salem that I noticed is just as how Salem lived a sheltered life trapped in her lonely tower dreaming of freedom and a life beyond its uncharted walls, the same can be said for Oscar who seemingly lived a sheltered and quiet life as a farmhand back on his aunt's farm while still fantasizing of a life beyond his home in Mistral.

The key difference between Salem and Oscar is that Salem was more self-seeking; albeit as a result of her unknown upbringing and being forced to live a lonely life locked off from the rest of the world by the only family she had; whereas Oscar is selfless. While we still don’t know much more about Oscar’s past with his family beyond the few scrapings of details left from V4, one can safely assume that Oscar was well loved and taken care of by his family.

Though he was only seen to have his aunt for guardianship, from what I observed back in V4, Oscar still retained a good relationship with his Auntie Pine who took no problem in taking Oscar into his household, providing him a comfortable home where he could’ve had his own room for privacy and a warm plate of food on the table every evening for supper in exchange for Oscar working on the farm which he didn’t seem to mind. Overall, though he desired more from his life, Oscar was quite comfortable and content living with his aunt hence the reason why he wasn’t so keen on leaving at first after Ozpin’s unceremonious arrival into his life.

Unlike Salem, Oscar more or less knew and felt love before leaving his old life behind which I guess made it all the more easy for him to give it. One characteristic I’ve noticed about Salem’s personality that always shines through, even in her past self, is her selfishness---that nature about her that always puts her desires above anything else.

This is the complete opposite of Oscar. One thing I’ve noticed about Oscar’s personality is that he makes a habit of pushing aside his own feelings in place of doing what he feels is right or better, not particularly for himself but for others around him as a whole.

This is not an entirely bad trait to have. I myself, do the same thing from time to time to avoid conflict or tension with others because I don’t like conflict. Someone once asked me what I thought Oscar’s personality type might be and my first guess was a INFJ. Speaking as someone with that personality type, I see quite a few traits of an INFJ in Oscar. Although I’m still gathering as much as I can about his persona as provided in the series, I’m still sticking with my first choice of Oscar having an advocate/ counsellor type of personality because there are key examples from the show where he’s exhibited that trait. Specifically with Ruby.

Ironically, it’s Oscar’s moments with Ruby that help bring out that caring, compassionate and willing to do what he can to help others type of personality in Oscar the most. Oscar cares for others, particularly with those closest to him. Even when he’s literally backed against a wall, Oscar puts himself last in the scenario.

This is a boy who got shoved into a wall by one of his peers after being wrongfully accused in one scene and is then seen making this person and the others a hot meal after they went looking for him after he went missing in another.

Y’know, I harped a lot on V6 C9 on how they handled Oscar coming to terms with his feelings. But…y’know what? Now that I’ve had more time to think about the episode in terms of Oscar’s character, I realized that the bit with Oscar is surprisingly the most relatable thing I’ve seen in the show…at least to me.

Blake said the group needed space and that’s exactly what Oscar did. He went off on his own, let out whatever negativity he needed to get off his chest in that moment doing who knows what, came back and by the time the group found him, he was fine. All things forgiven if there was anything to forgive. Whatever lingering discomfort that Oscar might have harboured for Jaune was easily washed away when Jaune apologized and Oscar could see and hear how genuinely remorseful Jaune felt for his actions.

Though I still would’ve liked the episode to have shown how Oscar came to terms with his emotions and getting over it, I can’t be 100% mad anymore at the Writers for choosing to have Oscar adopt that attitude after the events of V6 C8…cause if it were me, I probably would’ve reacted and resolved the same way as Oscar did. I would’ve been cussing Jaune’s face in my mind for how he treated me with a face as straight as a pin but I would have forgiven him all the same after seeing how hurt he was for the things said and done and would have chosen to move on from the problem with better resolve; just as Oscar did.

I saw myself in Oscar while rewatching this moment and for that, I can’t be too mad at the writing for C9. Still mad. But not too mad. Only 65% versus the original 101%. Oscar Pine--- right in the relatability! That’s why he’s my favourite! This scene showed me how mature Oscar is for his age in how he takes in problems and decides to address them despite being the youngest of the group.

Basically what I’m saying is that Oscar is a good boy. He’s such a good boy. Too much of good boy. Sigh. Please don’t hurt my precious freckled baby boy too much CRWBY. I want him to grow up big and strong and devilishly handsome so that he can sweep Ruby off her feet and the rosebuds can get married in 5-10 years and live happily ever after on a farm or whatever plot of land they can afford wherever in New Remnant during a time when the Gods have returned, the kingdoms are at peace again, the Grimm are there but are no longer the monstrous threat they used to be so that Oscar and Ruby’s future string band of children can grow up in a world void of war and the threats of the former Salem who would have moved on to have her happy ending with Ozma at long last in the afterlife. The end.

Returning to my point on Oscar and Salem now. Just as how Ozma arrived to free Salem from her captivity, you can almost say that the same was done for Oscar when Ozpin's arrival sparked his departure from home to become a huntsman. In a way, Ozma’s presence in Salem and Oscar’s lives gave them the push they needed to take the first step towards the freedom and change they both desired.

But as I mentioned before. Though Oscar and Salem share parallels, the defining difference between them is how either values others over themselves. As much as Salem’s past with Ozma made me empathize with her as a villain, it doesn’t excuse the fact that Salem is a person who is mostly out to achieve her own desires above anyone else’s. As a matter of fact, the revelation of her past and involvement with the destruction of Remnant only affirms my point. In her past life, Salem was probably so used to looking out for herself due to her years of isolation that it sort of developed a warped sense of egocentrism (not the word I was looking for but I’ll roll with it) that later translated into her relationship with Ozma.

I'm not denying the fact that Salem loved Ozma nor am I trying to imply that her feelings for him weren’t genuine at all. On the contrary, Salem definitely loved Ozma proving that she is capable of compassion. This is one of the things that makes Salem a far more intriguing villain to me now. What I appreciate about Salem and essentially Ozpin-Ozma too is that despite that fact that both represent the sides of good and evil in show; neither are entirely what they’re supposed to represent. They actually very gray characters.

Though Ozpin is the hero and personifies light and the preservation of all life in Remnant, Ozpin has been noted to have done some shady things that otherwise painted him in a negative light as we saw most of all this volume.

The same can be said for Salem. Although she is our main villain, I’ve noted times where Salem has shown a softer, kinder, even motherly side to her to some degree. For example, her relationship with Cinder Fall in particular. Cinder is Salem’s apprentice and the way Salem treats Cinder is almost like a surrogate mother with her daughter.

I mean, Salem could have easily had Cinder killed with a snap of her finger just as she did with Lionheart and have her Maiden magic extracted and given to someone else more worthy if she so desired. We all know she has the capability to do that. So then why not do it? What reason does Salem have to keep Cinder alive especially knowing fully well how she is?

I don’t know about you guys but it reminded me of a strict parent punishing their child but still going easy on them. Still keeping a close eye on them because they know their child so well that they have full confidence that they’ll ultimately come of their senses.

That’s why Salem is leaving Cinder alone to quote, ‘toil in her isolation until she redeems herself’. She’s punishing her but at the time, Salem also knows that Cinder will come back stronger and far deadlier than she was before because of this experience and that’s what Salem wants. It’s what she expects of her perfect apprentice. Her successor.

But here’s the thing. Salem loved Ozma and in the end, she still put her own desires about even him. Even if Salem is capable of loving someone, her selfish nature always resurfaces to prevail in her endeavours.

Rather than honouring Ozma's life and allowing him to rest as the God of Light said, Salem challenged the Gods again and again until it resulted in her winding up immortal but alone; cursed to walk Remnant’s face until the world is either destroyed or Salem learnt the value of life as the God of Light had hoped she would.

Did she though? Well that fact that she’s trying to gather all Four Relics while simultaneously making plans to jumpstart a Second Great War within the kingdoms of Remnant which would throw the world into the perfect chaos to get it permanently destroyed by the Gods’ return speaks volumes of how much she still hasn’t learned her lesson yet.

Salem may have loved Ozma and the life they built together after he returned but even that was later upturned by Salem’s own selfishness. From the get go Salem has only catered more for herself and even after all these years, she still refuses to see the light of what the God of Light warned her about herself. Say what you will about the Gods. Though the Brothers are also pretty grey characters themselves, it doesn’t change the fact that there was justification behind their actions with Salem. A lesson to be learnt that’s unfortunately still being avoided.

Salem was cursed with immortality because she refused to let go of her selfishness after attempting to trick the Gods into granting her desired wish of being reunited with her lover. As the God of Light rightfully said, in the beginning, when Salem made her first attempt to revive Ozma, her motives were worth pitying. As a viewer, I felt for Salem the first time. However after her second failed attempt and watching the people of First Remnant get manipulated and killed because of her personal vendetta against the Gods, my sympathy well dried up as I started to see Salem become the antagonist I know her to be.

And what’s even more depressing and noteworthy is that even after causing all that death and chaos to Remnant, Salem still did not learn her lesson and she still hasn’t to this current timeline in RWBY. She still continues to pursue her own desires and see the lives of others as nothing more but tools to use in her pursuit of what she wants.

This brings me to the meat of my post and why I’ve been making parallels between Oscar and Salem.

I have this theory---one that I’ll delve deeper into in a future musing--- about Oscar becoming an immortal just like Salem. Hear me out on this one. What if… Oscar meets the God of Light in the Realm between Realms similar to Ozma and asks him to grant him immortality. Not because he wants to preserve his own life but for the selfless motive of him desiring to use his newfound immortality to protect the people Oscar cared about while taking on the full mantle of saving humanity from the plight of Salem and her forces without the need to force Ozma and any more unsuspecting souls after him with such a task.

Imagine if… Oscar willing sacrificed his own life to end it. End the cycle and let it start over with him alone.

Imagine if…Oscar became the last Wizard of Light. The only Wizard and the cycle resets with him as he’s turned immortal.

As I said, I plan to go more in depth with this theory soon in another musing but it’s definitely something I think could be a potential twist with Oscar’s story. I don’t want to put it as an expectation but I would love to play around with the concept of it.

I’ve seen many Pineheads worrying over Oscar being taken over by Ozpin completely or losing himself to the Merge so to counter that, I raise this possibility of Oscar essentially becoming the last reincarnate---the Last Wizard of Light as he willingly choses to dedicate the rest of his existence to stopping Salem while Ozpin, Ozma and all the other past Wizards culminated inside him over the centuries can finally be laid to rest knowing that Oscar will be the likeminded successor to carry out their legacy and mission all on his own and of his own choice as himself going forward.

If you’ve read any of my Oscar-themed musings and theories before, y’know I’ve been singing this idea of Oscar being the end to the reincarnation cycle along with him being the true reincarnate of Ozma’s original form.

I still stand very firmly by those theories because the series has set up Oscar being special---completely different from the other Wizards. The lingering question brought up in this series is whether or not Oscar will be just another one of Ozma’s lives to live out and I don’t think he will be. I believe the very fact that Ozpin reincarnated within Oscar of all people at such a young age compared to the other lives and in such a short space of time between rebirths was the first sign of how different his journey was going to be.

In the Legend of Korra series, Korra technically became the last Avatar and first Avatar in the second book. Basically the Avatar cycle sort of reset itself with Korra.

So I’d like to think Oscar will follow a similar experience where the reincarnation cycle will change with him. Oscar could symbolize the end and beginning to a new cycle. That’s why I like the concept of him becoming immortal. Instead of Ozma’s soul being reborn in the minds of different men and those souls coming together to form who we know today as the Wizard, Oscar will be the last one so that the next time Oscar dies---either he’ll die for good (meaning the God of Light strips him entirely of the reincarnation curse) or Oscar won’t die and will be reborn as himself at the last point of death or perhaps he’ll get to stay fourteen years old forever until Salem is defeated. Who knows? Overall I really love the idea of Oscar becoming an immortal just like Salem.

I mean sure Ozma had his reincarnation curse but technically his immortality wasn’t the same as Salem’s. Jinn did allude to Salem, quote, ‘meeting her adversary in time’. Of course, at the moment of revelation, the obvious assumption to that for me was Ozma since he’s the one we know is Salem’s main opponent.

However…Ozma once shared a relationship with Salem. He had a past with her. He loved her and I’d like to think that love is still there buried deep within. I don’t want to say that Ozma’s love for Salem has been his crutch but that little titbit is starting to make me wonder that perhaps…the true adversary that Salem was supposed to have wasn’t Ozma or any of the Wizards after him. It was Oscar.

For all we know, what if…Ozma and the other incarnates were just another experiment conducted by the God of Light similar to how he said Remnant was an experiment for him and his brother to learn from.

Imagine if… Light basically used Ozma and the other Wizards as guinea pigs in his formation of the perfect adversary for Salem---one the Gods believed could truly achieve what his successors could not. Defeat Salem once and for all and undo their mistake of the past. That could be an intriguing twist too. It does paint the Gods in a very heartless light more so than the actual canon did unfortunately but still worth tossing out as a theory y’know.

But yeah, that’s the theory I’m working with for now.

Returning to the original point of this response post, I know I’m hoping for Ruby and Oscar’s love to parallel Ozma and Salem in some ways but not all parallels have to end the same. Just because Ozma and Salem’s love ended in tragedy doesn’t mean that the same will befall Ruby and Oscar for their potential love story.

If Oscar and Ruby were to fall in love, I’d love to believe their love will be different. It’ll probably have its own fair share of harsh challenges particularly the ones stirred by Salem but it will be a different story with a much better end. A happier ending than the Fairy Tale lovers.

Y’know what’s ironic and what would best summarize my answer to this post. It was Ozma and Salem’s love that admittedly brought about the end of humanity in a way when you think about it. All the more reason for me to believe that it’ll be the love between Oscar and Ruby that will save the world. The relationship to blossom between them, the love and devotion they’ll come to share for each other and the people they care about---that’s what’ll save both Remnant and Salem from damnation.

I know it sounds cheesy but I do love me a good plate of cheese in romance.

More Squiggles’ RWBY Content

~LittleMissSquiggles (2019)

#squiggles answers: rwby #oscar pine #ruby rose #oscar and ruby #rwby rosegarden #ozma and salem #rwby fairy tale #rwby theories #rwby volume 6 spoilers #rwby musings

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captaindeanwinchesterforever · 5 years

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Don’t Leave Me pt. 2

I just want to thank all of you who like to read my writing. I appreciate all the support! I hope y'all like this one. Love you guys!

Pairing: None at the moment *wink wink*

Warnings: some angst, some fluff, and a little bit of cussing

Summary: You are left having to deal with the aftermath of Gabriel’s death, but thank goodness you have a knight in shining armor.

Word count: 2,180

I pulled into the garage of the bunker and parked my truck beside the Impala. I shut the engine off and sat there a few seconds to collect my thoughts. I got out of my truck and started to open the door to the bunker when I heard laughing and celebrating. It sounded like a fucking party. I was aggravated, but I knew that these people we brought back to this world didn’t kill Gabriel, so I didn’t need to take my anger out on them. I opened the door to see everyone having a great time. There was beer and food, people laughing and smiling at the victory they just had. I couldn’t be a part of the celebration, so I kept my head down and headed straight to my room. I hoped that Dean and Sam wouldn’t notice I was back. As long as I could stay out of their sight, I would be okay.

“(Y/N)! Wait, please.” I forgot about the angel… I just kept walking, but Cas caught up with me and grabbed my wrist to stop me.

“Cas, please let go of me.” I didn’t mean to snap at him, but I just couldn’t be in that room anymore.

“I know you are hurting right now. I just want you to know that I am here for you. I’m sor…” I cut him off.

“Don’t say it. I don’t need that right now.” I turned and glared at him with anger. My expression went from furious to sorrowful in less than a second.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I know you’re only trying to help me and be a good friend. I really appreciate you being here for me, but I don’t need anyone’s pity. Just know that I love you and you are one of the most important people in my life. I just need some space right now. I’ll be okay.” I smiled and leaned in and gave him a peck on the cheek. I turned around and made a beeline to my room.

I walked in and slammed the door behind me. I leaned back against it and slid down to the floor. Tears began to flow from my eyes. I had to put on a good face for the boys, but when I was behind closed doors, I could let everything out.

Sam’s POV

I looked up when I heard the door open to the bunker. It was (Y/N). She was trying to make her way past everyone, and I assumed that she was making her way to her room. All I wanted to do is comfort her, but I knew how she was, and she wasn’t going to let any weakness show. I heard Cas yell out to her and grab her wrist. I grimaced a little thinking that Cas was about to get decked in the face, but to my surprise she didn’t do anything. I could hear a little bit of their conversation. I heard Cas try to tell her he was sorry, but she cut him off and the look she gave him was terrifying. If looks could kill that one definitely would have. Then I saw (Y/N)’s facial expression change. She regretted what she said to Cas and she said something that I couldn’t hear. She leaned up to Cas’ cheek and gave him a kiss. Then off she went to the only safe place she thought she had left.

“Cas was real brave grabbing her arm like that.” I looked over and saw Dean standing beside me.

“Yeah, real brave… I don’t know what to do for her, Dean. I know she wants to be alone, but I can’t just sit here and let her go through this alone. Hell, we both know how it feels to lose someone like that.” I was aggravated with everything going on, but especially that (Y/N) had to lose someone she loved. If I was being completely honest, I was pissed at Gabriel for putting her through this again.

“I don’t know, Sammy. That’s a bit risky. Don’t get me wrong, I love (Y/N) just as much as the rest of us do but she’s different. She doesn’t like to show weakness. Hell Sam, that was the first time I had ever seen her cry. We’ve all tried to comfort her at some point, and you were able to for a little bit, but we both know that the only one that could calm her down is gone. If you feel like you need to help her then you should do it, but if you do you may not like the answer you get.” Dean has always cautioned me about (Y/N) and how she was, but it’s never scared me away. I know she isn’t like other women and I think that’s why I am drawn to her. I have always had feelings for (Y/N), but she loved Gabriel and I couldn’t live with myself if I ruined that.

I couldn’t stand there anymore, I had to go help her. I took off through the war room and down the hall way towards (Y/N)’s bedroom. Once I reached her room, I stood there for a second. I could hear something coming from the other side of the door. I put my ear up to it and listened. It was her crying. She was trying to hold her sobs back, but she was failing.

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. “(Y/N), it’s Sam. I just wanted to come and check on you. Can I please come in?”

(Y/N)’s POV

I was sitting on the floor sobbing when I heard a knock on my door. It startled me a little bit. I should’ve known that someone would come and find me.

“(Y/N), it’s Sam. I just wanted to come and check on you. Can I please come in?” Of course, it was Sam. I thought I had slipped past him without him seeing me. I got up off the floor and wiped my eyes. I took a few deep breaths and opened the door.

“Sam, I’m fine. I just want to be alone right now. I don’t want anyone around me right now. I think its best that you leave.” I felt awful being this hateful towards Sam, but he doesn’t need to see me like this. He definitely didn’t need to waste his time on me. I just wanted him to go celebrate and be happy. I went to close the door in his face, but he stopped it with his hand.

“(Y/N), I just wanted to come and see how you were doing. You were gone for a while and I was worried. I didn’t know where you had gone.” He was so sincere, but I needed him to leave. I wasn’t worth his time or effort. I wasn’t worth fixing.

“I appreciate that, but I’m good.” I had an agitated tone in my voice. Even with the hateful tone, he was patient.

“We could just hang out like we used to. It was fun watching movies and talking to you. We used to talk about anything and everything. I just want to help you.” He was trying so hard to help me. I remember how much fun we used to have after I lost Gabriel the first time. Sam was always there. Through my good days and my dark days. I depended on him a little more than I would’ve liked to admit. My feelings for him started to change and I pushed them down. He wouldn’t want this hot mess. He was just being nice, and Sam deserved a whole hell of a lot better than me. As soon as these feelings started, they disappeared, because that’s when Gabriel came back into my life.

“I don’t need you to save me again, Sam. I definitely don’t need a babysitter. I’ll be fine.” I sounded like a real bitch. If I didn’t feel bad before, I definitely feel bad now. I could see the annoyed look on his face.

“(Y/N), listen. I get what you’re going through and I get you want to be alone, but I think being alone is the last thing you need to be right now. All I want to do is help you and all you do is push me away. I see straight through that act you put on for everyone else. I’m your friend (Y/N) and I care about you. So please just let me help you!” Sam had never raised his voice at me before. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I tried to hold them back, but one fell down my cheek. I saw the regret on Sam’s face for what he did. He started to apologize, but I quickly wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest. He engulfed me in his arms and I finally felt safe again, just like before.

“I’m sorry, Sam. Can you stay here with me for a little while?” I just wanted his company, nobody else’s just his. Sam shook his head yes and we walked into the room and closed the door behind us.

Sam and I were laying on our backs staring up at the ceiling of my room. We were just kind of enjoying each other’s company, not really talking until I spoke up.

“I’m sorry I was so mean to you earlier. I don’t know how to act or feel about what just happened. I want to believe that Gabriel is alive, but I have a gut feeling that he’s actually gone this time. I’m furious with him for doing this to me again, but most importantly I want to kill Michael. I want revenge Sam and I’ve never felt like this before. I’m overwhelmed with all the different thoughts going through my head. What’s even worse is that I have been such an awful friend to you, and you didn’t deserve any of it. Sam, you’re the only one I can be myself with and you have no idea how important that is to me. There are no words to describe how sorry I am to have put you through so much. I don’t deserve to have a friend like you.” I had rolled over on my side facing Sam while I said this. I really didn’t deserve him. The fact he still wanted to help me after I was such a bitch to him made me appreciate him even more. He rolled over to face me and looked at me for a second with his sad puppy dog eyes.

“(Y/N), you don’t need to be sorry. I don’t blame you for what you said or how you acted. I would have done the same thing. I understand why our friendship changed when Gabriel came back. You loved each other and he had just stepped back into your life. I don’t blame you for wanting to spend all your time with him. You’re very special to me (Y/N) and I just don’t want you to feel like you have to go through this alone. I was there for you then and I am here for you know. I always will be. As for Michael, he isn’t coming back (Y/N). He is stuck in that other world with Lucifer. Where I hope they’ll rip each other apart.” He reached up and tucked some stray hairs behind my ear. I couldn’t help but smile. Sam made me feel safe and he took care of me.

“Thank you, Sam.” I smiled at him and nuzzled myself up against his body. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. Right before I fell asleep, I heard him whisper something, but I couldn’t quite make out the words.

Sam’s POV

(Y/N) snuggled herself up to me and I wrapped my arms around her. I missed this so much. I missed the smell of her hair, how warm her body was against mine, the conversations we used to have, but most importantly I missed her. I felt like I could fly. The smile on my face was never going to leave. (Y/N) deserved so much better than what her life has handed her. She was rough around the edges and often put up a wall to keep people out, but under all that she had the most beautiful soul. I had never had feelings like this for any other woman, she was everything to me.

I could tell (Y/N) was starting to fall asleep, so I pulled her in closer. Her face was buried into the crook of my neck. Her breathing started to slow, and I could tell she had finally fallen asleep. I kissed the top of her head and whispered, “I promise to always take care of you and never leave you. I love you, (Y/N). I always have.”

I could feel my eyes starting to get heavy. I didn’t want to leave her, so I rested my head on her pillow and drifted off to sleep.

#supernatural fanfiction #supernatural #supernatural fandom #supernatural gabriel #Sam Winchester #dean winchester #castiel #spn #spn fanfic #spnfandom #SPNFamily #spn gabriel #gabriel fanfic #gabriel fanfiction #sam winchester fanfiction #dean winchester fanfiction

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niel-trbl · 6 years

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Like We Used To

Ex-lover!Kang Daniel AU

Note: it’s been awhile since i last updated. it’s been pretty tough, especially with the events happening around us so i decided to write something to keep my mind off of things. i sincerely hope everyone is doing okay and if you ever need someone to talk to, you can always drop me an ask.

you were scheduled to go on Master Key - one of the rising new variety shows

you, being a rookie in the industry, immediately said yes when your manager asked if you were keen to join the show

you were so excited since this is finally the time where you can mingle with other idols and celebrities

on your way to the Master Key village, you even asked your manager who will be present for filming so that you could mentally prepare yourself

the moment you got to the venue, you immediately went around and started greeting the cast members and staff

just as you were about to head back to your room, you heard a familiar voice called out your name

“it cant be...”

this was when you wished that you were wrong

you turned around and saw Kang Daniel walking towards you with a grin

you felt butterflies fluttering in you why does he still have that effect on you

while everyone knew Kang Daniel as the nation’s pick, you knew him as Danik, your ex-lover

both of you were very good friends then and you also were each other’s first love

however, it was during his first year of being a trainee when you broke up

despite it being your decision to break off the relationship, you always wished that you could be a little more selfish and have him to yourself

but you wanted the best for him and in order for him to succeed, you mustn’t be a distraction to him (words said by his manager then) hence the break up

seeing him now, in front of you, brought back so many memories of your relationship

“hey, are you filming today too?” he asked

“um yeah i am. i didnt know that you’re here,”

“yeah, well it was kinda last minute so...”

silence filled the space, despite the crazy number of people who were on set

you heard your name rolled off his tongue again - how much you missed hearing his voice and craved for his touch

“i miss-“ before Daniel could continue, your manager called out for you to get to hair and makeup which you were secretly glad

you were this close to dropping everything and holding him again

no one ever knew of your history with Daniel

you hid it like a well kept secret

in order for you to move on from him, you need to get rid of everything that reminded you of him, including the memories of your relationship which you refrain yourself from telling others

however, Daniel often spoke of you - for example in an interview, they often asked how he would treat his significant other and he always spoke of the things he did for/with you

like how he would help you put on your shoes and calling you ‘kid’ as a term of endearment

but he never mentions your name so no one knew, apart from his close members who knew who you were by name

the staff were still getting ready to start filming so you looked around the set on your own

“i believe we havent met. I’m Ong Seongwoo,” he approached you with a soft smile

“i’m _______” you shook his hand

“_______? as in-“ you suddenly saw Daniel standing by you

“yes hyung, _______ from the new group,”

classic Daniel, you knew he always cant stand it when guys approached you, even if they were his friends

before you could say anything, the staff gathered everyone to commence the filming session

after they had presented the keys, you moved on to join your assigned groups

luck was really not on your side that day

all you wanted was to be away from Daniel but instead, you got placed in the same group as him

Daniel, on the other hand, was relieved to know that you were in the same group

“dont worry, i’ll help you along the way,” he whispered to you

he always stood beside you throughout the session and took care of you

during this time, you wished that you could hate Daniel but he made it so hard

he was still that sweet and kind boy you met many years ago - the one that made you melt everytime you hear him call your name

the feelings that you surpressed kept resurfacing

it didnt help that the hosts kept bringing up your past

“oh? _______ and Kang Daniel actually knew each other from before? how did you me?”

“we were schoolmates actually. we were pretty close friends,” he answered for you

you were glad that he was the one that answered, if it were you, it wouldve been word vomit - bringing up the good old times you missed

as the filming session went by, you have gotten more and more comfortable with everyone but with an increasing amount of fluttering feelings as you interacted more with Daniel

“now for our last game, 2 members of each team will have to jump rope together. the team with the higher number of jumps wins this whole round!”

somehow this show has a way of bringing up your old memories

jump ropes was something you and Daniel had always done - it was your way of ‘exercising together” and both of you were really good

Daniel, of course remembering this, immediately volunteered the both of you to do the challenge

before you knew it, you were standing in front of him and placing your hands on his BROAD shoulders, getting ready to start jumping

both of you kept jumping, you couldnt look up at him at all and were this close to losing the momentum

“________ just look at me, it’s gonna be okay,” he whispered in between of the jumps

the moment you locked eyes with him, you lost your balance and tripped over the rope, resulting to a sprained ankle

everyone stopped and quickly got the paramedics who were on stand by to aid you

thank goodness it was the last segment so they quickly wrapped up filming so that you could get proper care

while you were icing your ankle in the sick bay, you heard a knock on the door

you were expecting your manager but it was Daniel who came

“hey i just wanna apologise-“

“no no no, it was my fault! i lost my balance and yeah you know, clumsy old me,” you quickly looked away and directed your focus to the ice pack on your ankle

“no. the ________ i know is never this clumsy and most definitely wont freak out when they look at me. what’s even weirder is that you were so uncomfortable around me today. what’s wrong?”

Daniel knew you like an open book, you knew you couldn’t escape

“this is gonna sound stupid but i am still in love with you. i know it’s been so long and iwas the one who broke up with you, but i just keep thinking about you - how youre doing and coping with all this? and the way you treated me today, it makes me think that you still have feelings for me. i just- i dont know. i really missed you”

both of you sat in silence once again

you cant believe that you blurt all of that out, now he’s gonna think that you’re crazy

but instead, he embraced you in his arms, combing his fingers through your hair to calm you down, like how he used to

“i still do have feelings for you. i missed you, like crazy. you have no idea. everyday, i wish i could find you and tell you to take me back. i tried to find out where you were but i couldnt,”

his hands held your face gently as you made eye contact - this time you didnt back away

“let’s get back together. i miss the days when we were together. the days when we were happier and better. it drives me crazy that im not with you,”

“but, remember what happened then? what if-“

“no ‘what if’s. we’re gonna make it work, i know we can,” he kissed your forehead

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ecoamerica · 1 month

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youtube

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The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

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yvvaine · 7 years

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I was wondering if any [past or present] Jonerys, Pro-Daenerys fans like myself feel this way.....?

Firstly Id say please be nice i just enjoy analyzing the shit out of fandoms I like, (im a history/polysci major ((with an emphasis on Peace Justice and & Conflict Studies)) all i do is analyze and try to be diplomatic lmao) but considering all they petty drama between both ships as well as pro/anti Daenerys stans ON BOTH SIDES I’m going to be “That Person” and at least ask for people to be respectful/civil, I want to hear from everyone and their metas/what they think which is why i tagged like, all the tags, no matter if you love her/the ship or cant stand it, as long as everyone can keep civil So firstly I’ve loved Dany both books and show from the beginning. She’s gorgeous, wants to be the best person she can be, and her hair/fashion style game is always ON POINT. That being said, somewhere around season 5 i think i’ve found my opinion on her cooling a little bit, ep after ep, till now. Like I still like her bc she was my first character love on the show but I’ve def soured in my opinion on her. Maybe it’s because I love learning about the subject that im more baised (im hoping thats the case) but she just seemed to have no interest in actual governance, just the reputation (esp of being the ‘rebel queen’)/the awe/the power/the thrill of the adoration that went along with it to the point where I feel like though she still wants to be a ‘good queen’ or at least wants to be seen that way, she doesnt want to do much work for the title. Like yeah she freed all the slaves and that was a def progressive and awesome move on her part (major props! slavery is sin and im glad someone recognized that who had the power to do something about it) but she didnt handle that aftermath or ensuing problems well at all nor really mulled heavily on the subject to find the best solution. She just got fustrated with pretty basic/common (albeit complex in themselves) issues of standard governance and kind of went agh! fuck this! (obv not actual quotes but that was the vibe I got). And then ESPECIALLY after season 7 her character has kind of nagged at me in the back of brain which i hate but its inherent like its just a feeling i cant help it?? I just dont know why to be honest that Im feeling so negative towards this character i used to love. The whole ‘ bEnD thE knEe ‘ thing w/ Jon and yet pinning it on Jon’s pride not equally on his and her own was more than a little hypocritical, when hon they can discuss it later like at that point they have two common enemies the WW and Cersei they both want to do away with, and then again with the Bend the Knee or Die bit w/ the Lannister soldiers. In fact the whole sequence before that point felt kind of villinous I dearsay, I mean deliberately burning the harvest that most of westeros needs for the winter or even strategically not willing to try, and well, nOOt intentionally burn the food considering its winter, the harvest is over (so likely not much is gonna grow in the time being) when she has a G I A N T ass army of her own to think of feeding???? Like i get it is war shit happens soldiers die but the F O O D ? Was that an impuslive in the moment mistake or did she just not give a fuck? And back to the aftermath scene/Bend the Knee 2.0, her speech was again quite hypocritical...and burning dickon?????? not willing to keep prisoners???? either bend or die??? I actually am glad she did away with Papa Tarly bc he was an awful human, but dickon????? a young idealistic man about to loose his father??? the heir to a major ally/house???? And honestly that bend or die strategy is soooooo dumb bc now she cant trust any of them like theyre only bending the knee out of self preservation homie, no one wants to die. they bend the knee to survive and now they all of the sudden think youre their queen? Nah fam, prisoners were better, all you got are spies in your camps or people willing to backstab you at the smallest promise of coin. And i dont want that for my girl

IDK the whole “im gonna BREAK THE WHEEL,,,,,,,,yet im stating my claim mainly on my housename (aka the predominant force of said wheel for a literal dynasty) and the fact that i can scare people who otherwise are unconvinced bc lets be real westeros has had a bad run of rulers a lot of which were Targs in the past couple decades, into submission bc ill burn you otherwise???” doesnt sit well with me nor does it feel like the character ive been rooting for the past five-ish seasons. She just doesnt seem to put into effort on understanding Westeros, why things go wrong, being self-critical or sharing the blame,thinking on what a “good” ruler would do.... anyone else feeling this way and if so do you think this is just shitty writing? D&D butchering her character? or a new arc for her? perhaps the way shes always been? She just seems like a tantruming child bratty and entitled idk (a beautiful child but still) As for jonerys...... im not gonna go into it much but how are other shippers happy????????? I honestly dont understand. I was SO looking forward to this season/this ship. like so much! But it felt so forced? And i know a lot of people claim its cause its rushed but tbh we’ve had a lot of romances in a similar time frame that felt like A C T U A L romances.....even Talisa/Robb who the Northerners will prob compare any of this too were so much better. THIS WAS MY EPIC SHIP DUDE. I feel the dany side of things (took a while but theres def heart eyes) and yet Jon???? He felt hollow. Still does even after sex. Im so disapointed but more than that I cant see the romance or the chemistry. He looks constipated. Hes never smiled like with his teeth around her the way hes done w others he cares deepily about (ygritte, toramund, sansa, even fkin gendry in the first scene they had together). He never reveals anything about himself. And between the “my queen” ep (and remember he was look warm when discussing her to toramund throughout it) and the previous the only thing that changed was that he saw the actual difference dragons made against WW. You could argue she saved them all too but that doesnt make you fall in love w someone out of the blue and also people have saved his ass before and??? Sansa w the vale anyone??? (Not an argument for jonsa js its happened) (though ill admit ive transitioned to loathing jonerys and loving jonsa more as a potential couple in the space of seven eps where if you asked me I wouldve been like PSH u cray. I never thought it would happen in a mill years but D&D ruined my ship and here i am! Shipping aside tho since its best too look at these things as neutral as possible). Anyways the sigh of his after she left and when he pretended to be asleep.... idk. The only scene that felt genuine and where Jon smiled and it didnt look like a full on grimace and they actually kinda joked around was really nice and at the pit at the finale and if they do a LOT more of basic romance stuff like that I could ship it again but. It was followed by boatsex and boy. I was hoping boatsex might rekindle my like for the two together. I could see the chemistry the passion. I was hoping the passion would overwhelm me and make up for the rest. But instead......like there was no foreplay, it lasted 2 seconds, and it was overplayed by brans voice and a reminder of future conflict or at the very least major angst b/w the two. i didnt see the parallel between regear and lyanna playing alongside their scene as anything romantic or that it should be taken as such. and the look they shared.... I was hoping jon would bring it bc Dany’s look in her eyes is like soooo smitten and adorable and say what you will I still have a space in my heart for her and still dont want her to suffer, but again Jon looks like oh shit/constipated. And not in a good oh shit way either. There is a bunch more too but Imma stop there bc Im just tired at this point. So many things were just....off this season. And it cant all be blamed on the “rushed” time frame. I’ve read the undercover lover theory and hon it makes the most sense (not perfect sense but still, more than what we’ve been poorly spoon fed) but im not willing to believe it just yet. Still, maybe D&D are just butchering a lot of things like making the romance believable and stuff for the sake of time that could be true i guess. But they like to go AHA GOT U so Idk I dont find a lot of meta in the jonerys tag bc honestly (((((i think its bc the tag and ship are more popular and theirs more people both good and bad)))) it doesnt seem like snowballing theories is something all fans take really well in the tag at all. But whatever. I really want to know, is there any meta or theories im missing to either validate the icky feeling Im haveing about D or her “romance” or on the flipside anything that might make me change my mind about it? Theories, meta people! I just want to reiderate im not trying to hate on anyone or any point of view and I will flag any comment anti one ship or person or another if its plain hateful or rude. I just want to understand it and see what Im missing, esp because of how much I was looking forward to her arc and jonerys’ dynamic and how much the words “falling short” dont seem to cover it. And to see if im not the only one to either have critique on the ship or her character [or even actually change ships] Also i apologize for how much ive said “IDK” i just..... I DONT KNOW

#this was way longer and is so rantish but #i might delete this later #depending on if i get hate for 'daring' to be critical #for now tho help a girl out? tel me your opinion? thx #jonsa #anti-jonsa #anti-jonerys #daenerys targaryen #anti-daenerys #plz be nice to eachother or just dont interact at all i just like knowing every side of things #and i feel like theres a side im missing or something im missing #i have a lot of feelings

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ffuuuuuuuck · 5 years

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september 24, 2019

Today was such a bad day my thoughts kept pulling me in different directions- all of them bad

ended up skipping class today, thought about dropping out of school entirely like a lot

like, i know im capable of it and it’s not even hard, it’s just the looming fear of failing again like i did in my first highschool. I’m falling into the same patterns, it’s getting harder to maintain a positive mentality. it sucks because i was doing so good and then one thing sets me off and im back on my bullshit.

somehow writing it out makes me feel a little better, makes it feel like the thoughts aren’t all just stuck in my head.

my family helped today- my mom sang one direction with me in the car because i think she could tell I was on the verge of crying lol. That’s what she used to do with me in middle school and felt bad about the way i looked- it was cheesy and dorky but nice. she also took me to meet my baby cousin for the first time since she’d been born-5 months old and shes fat as fuck but also cute as fuck

i think i might just go back to spending time with my family again- it was easier than having to deal with friends. I love them, but i don’t feel the same with them anymore. it was different when i was into the same shit- smoking weed, doing drugs, doing nothing but walking around all the time. but now i’ve got school and work and actual responsibilities, and none of them seem to get that. Some of them even get mad because i cant spend as much time with them. I understand being upset, but it just makes me feel worse because i already feel worn thin. Plus, we dont really have anything in common anymore other than weed. Even that i’ve been trying to quit, but that’s all they ever wanna do and my lungs are all burnt out. And frankly, i like the feeling of being sober better than being high now.

I guess that’s the only thing me and Maurice had in common. When we first became friends, i was so happy to have someone like me. Into musicals, into anime, into all these dorky things my other friends weren’t into. but now its nothing but weed or talking about her ex boyfriend, or our friend bianca. I’m really glad her and bianca get along so well- i knew they would, i would always try getting all of us to hangout so they could get to know eachother more. But now it just feels like im on the outside. Whenever im with them they always just go off in their own space, talk about their own things that i can’t contribute because i wasnt there or not in on their inside jokes. I tried for awhile to just get used to it, because i shouldve been just happy that they were happy. But then they started hanging out without me all the time, and yeah, it makes me a little sad but no biggie it’s not like theyre my only friends. it feels like im not allowed to feel anything, like anything negative that i feel is just a sign that im getting bad again. But it hurts, like a lot. Bianca is always going on about stuff she told maurice, how maurice said that and that her and maurice always do this, and how great maurice is. Maurice is always saying how amazing bianca is and how much she loves her, how’re theyre gonna go do this and that. lately they started inviting me to hangout with them, but at this point it just feels more like pity than anything. Even when we’re all together, it’s like im intruding on their space. It just sucks. Like it’s not like i want to break them apart or anything, or for them to include me more. I don’t really want anything to happen, like im happy they get along. I just feel shitty about it. Even today, i found out something new about Bianca and yeah it was cool learning that about her but she threw in “really you didnt know? Maurice knows” and i dont know why but it stung. Probably because i was already feeling shitty today.

Maurice had asked me earlier in the day to hangout with them tomorrow- but it was only because it had come up in the conversation because i had told her about something concerning bianca. and honestly, i felt like i couldnt go on pretending anymore to be ok. so i told her that i didnt mean to sound like a dick but i didnt really like hanging out with the two of them together- but i still liked hanging out with them seperately. which, typing this out now i realize i really went the wrong way about this. It’s different when its just me and maurice and me and bianca, its not much different and nice. but when theyre together i just feel really crummy. i wanted to try to tell her that but she just told me “okay whatever i dont even wanna ask why.” and hasnt talked to me since. my mom said if they cared theyd understand, but im not sure i even went about it the right way, if there is a right way to tell your friends that. I told her what happened and she said that bianca would talk to me about it because my mom said that she definitely cares.

But when i told bianca about it, about maurice being upset with me and what i had said, all she said was how did they exclude me. That we played cards together that one time. That we had gone to go get hair dye that one time. I explained to her that yeah, when we went to go get hair dye it felt better because i was actually apart of their conversation. but the other times i just didnt feel like i belonged there with them. She wasnt upset about it like maurice was, but she seemed... i dunno, annoyed? not annoyed but like it was just me back on my bullshit. like it was all in my head. I think she did say it was all in my head. And after we left school a guy we knew was supposed to come with us, and she said “What, are you gonna feel excluded because Robbys coming?” in a really sarcastic voice. I just put in my headphones after that and actually did my homework. Because im supposed to be the chill one- im supposed to be the emotionless one, the one who doesnt let anything bother them because if i acknowledge that im hurt, then that means i could be getting unhealthy again. But fuck dude it did hurt. I barely tell my friends what I feel, and to be shot down like that, to be treated like i was just acting dumb again really hurt. especially because it wasnt like i was asking for anything to be different, other than me not wanting to hang out anymore. also especially coming from bianca. Out of all the people, i felt like i could count on her the most. I guess i was wrong again. Which sucks because its not like my brain goes to “ok they were a dick that time whatever”. When im not feeling good (aka when im not drugged out), my brain immedietely goes to wow what a dumbass trusting people again.

It didnt help that Quenten came to hangout today. I normally love seeing her, and everytime i see her she vents about her problems and i support her because i know she has a lot on her plate all the time. But today it just made things worse. She vented like usual and i tried to support her the best i could, but when i tried to talk about something that was bothering me she kinda just shut me down. Cut me off, started talking about her problems again. Usually she does that, but today it hurt because i really needed someone to talk to, and i thought we were that person for eachother.

Some shit went down with this Guy one time, and its kind of fucked me up. For awhile i tried my best not to let it get to me, tried staying friends with him and making the best of a situation because everyone told me that it wasnt that big of a deal. Not directly, but through their body language, the way they just change the subject, so i just believed that. Tried letting it go till eventually it built up inside me and blew up and left me feeling ruined. The other night i saw the Guy, and i had been doing so good, had been feeling happy and safe and just better. But he walked past me and it was like all of that just fell apart, i felt terrified again and unsafe and it was that feeling all over again, of not getting a choice, of not getting to have control, of putting my complete trust in someone only for it to be ruined. Anyways, its been leaving me fucked up for the past couple of days, and i just needed someone to talk to that wouldnt brush me aside. Im not sure why i thought that though. Quentin still thought highly of the Guy, still cared about his opinion i guess. its not like they were friends, but still. I shouldve known she wouldve blown me off when i tried talking about that situation.

I might need to see a counselor about it, because theres no one that i can even really talk to about it. I tried with this one girl, and she really helped me. But then it turned into a shit show because she outed the guy when i asked her not to, and one of my ex good friends came to me, and basically said i was making it up. when before we stopped being friends she believed me and understood why i got scared around the Guy. I guess that situation fucked me up too lol. But theres no one i can talk to, no one i can even bounce my thoughts off of. I wish i could talk to my mom about this. Sometimes she’s really good with this shit. But i know telling her about this will just make my life worse. Ill go to being looked at like some broken pitiful thing. Im not. I might be broken but im strong and i dont want to be pitied or someone to get mad in my place. I think some part of her already knows.

I think im done talking for today. Guess spilling my guts is too much too.

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