#i’ve been doing a lot of self work recently too ^^ trying to heal and focus on myself

[xiaophobic]

HIIII ATLASS

KEOOOOOOOOOOO 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽

#yknwo what i will use your ask rn as a little life update #okay what have i been doing recently #FOCUSING ON SCHOOL A LOT college stuff is really stressful but i applied to some!!! which is good i was very proud of myself #uhhh HALLOWEEN GUSYSS I WAS SPIDERMAN FOR HALLOWEEN #LITERALLY THE HAPPIEST IVE BEEN BASICALLY ALL YEAR I THJNK i have never felt more #myself #wearing something #and everyone was complimenting me so much i felt so happy it was soso nice #i’ve been doing a lot of self work recently too ^^ trying to heal and focus on myself #journaling is so good guys GUYS LISTEN IF YOU DONT LISTEN TO A THERAPIST #THEN LISTEN TO A RANDOM MF ON TUMBLR IM TELLING YOU RN #JOURNALING IS SO FUCKING GOOD DUDE #i’ve been bad and good and okay and good and bad and good! ups and downs all the time but i am a human at the end of it all #and those indomitable human spirit posts make my life so much better because yes i will keep living i am love and the universe itself #anyway THE BEST THING IVE DONE RECENTLY IS BE SPIDERMAN #atlas.moots #atlas.asks

[flightfoot]

Hey, do you have any recommendations for Lukanette, Adrigami, and/or Julerose fics?

I don't generally read Lukanette. The pairing's fine in and of itself, I think that Luka and Marinette would have a happy marriage and a good time together, but I've had so many bad experiences with Lukanette shippers vilifying Adrien, Alya, and the class, that I can't really derive any enjoyment from the ship, I just have too many negative associations with it. Lukadrienette and Lukadrigaminette are fine since I've never had bad experiences with other characters being bashed to promote the poly, but Lukanette... no.

I had about a year where saltfics NEVER LEFT MY HEAD and I kept on having flashbacks to my favorite characters being demonized and vilified and punished for it, with those flashbacks running through my head for hours on end while my throat choked up like I was about to cry, for hours at a time, on a daily basis. I REALLY can't stand anything I associate with that. I still can't stand saltfics, but my throat doesn't close up and I don't get a ton of flashbacks anymore when I see them at least, I just get angry.

There IS still one Lukanette fic series I've liked and recommended, but it's less because of the Lukanette and more because of the exploration of Luka's and Felix's characters (and it turns into FeLuka later on).

As for Adrigami... it's a nice ship, but there's very little content for it, especially in more recent years. It mostly vanished once season 4 got going, and it wasn't exactly common before that. I've got some Adrigaminette and Lukadrigaminette recs if you're interested in those though?

---

Boomer!Luka: FeLuka Ending series by @19thsentry-blog

In the Shadows (the first fic in the series) summary:

On one side is Luka, 140-year-old Snake Miraculous holder and keeper of the Guardian's secrets, on the other is Marinette Dupain-Cheng, a relatively newly minted hero of Paris and Guardian of the Miracle Box. Each is looking to fulfill their promises to their now gone mentors to reunite the Kwamis and keep them safe. Sounds simple--until you throw in a rocky start, the Atlantic Ocean, Félix Graham de Vanily, and a whole host of secrets…and suddenly simple becomes complicated (story of Marinette's life, right?).

So this is obviously way outside my normal wheelhouse. I don’t typically read Lukanette fics, even ones that turn into FeLuka later on in the series (though boy it becomes apparent quickly that the author’s fascinated with FeLuka’s dynamic.) But this one is really good, with the best Luka-centric fics I’ve ever read, and some of the best Felix-centric content as well. I love how Luka has his own baggage here, with all the pressure of wandering around for over a century, looking after the few Miraculous he found, trying to keep what’s left of the Order alive, unaware of Fu’s survival or of the Miraculous user’s re-emergence in Paris. There’s a lot of focus on Luka’s own feelings and thoughts and problems, not just on helping other people with them. 

The plot works even without the romantic aspect, so even if Lukanette isn’t a pairing that draws you in, I still recommend this fic, so long as you don’t actively dislike the pairing itself. And even though it’s a Lukanette fic, Adrien and Alya are treated fairly and with respect. Adrien may not end up with Marinette and is bummed about it, but the narrative is still kind to him overall, there’s clearly no ill well towards him, or Alya for that matter. (There are later fics in the series that focus more on Adrien just healing and coping and living after finding out that his father’s a villain and his mom’s been in the basement this whole time, and in the multiversal travel fic, Alya gets some standout appearances as Scarabella which are fun).

And FELIX - it’s clear that 19thsentry has this whole conception about Felix’s psychology. He’s wrapped in a ton of self-loathing until it started to consume him, made him lash out. Him being a sentimonster, wanting to get the Peacock Miraculous, actually gave him some direction for that at least. And he’s just in this pit of his own making, until he meets Luka, who can see through him when no one else can, who cares for him even though he doesn’t understand why, who’d been through so much over the years and yet kept himself kind. He’s attracted like a moth to a flame, infuriated that he cares, yet not able to stop himself from caring about this mysterious, infuriating musician. 

Yeah if you can’t tell this is the series that really sold me on FeLuka as a couple.

Oh yeah, one of the fics in here is M-rated, and it does earn the M rating for sexual content, though it’s nothing too major.

---

Three’s company by @torvalvt

Kagami has been doing her best for years to ignore her feelings for her friends. It doesn’t help that Adrien and Marinette insist on spending as much time as possible with her, even going so far as inviting her along on their dates together. If only the affection she felt for them wouldn’t get in the way of their relationship. Because it is growing harder and harder to tamp down her feelings with how close they are getting to her.

This is adorable. Adrien and Marinette really want Kagami to join their relationship and she just doesn’t dare hope for it. If you want some adorable Adrigaminette from Kagami’s perspective, I recommend checking this fic out!

---

Hold Me By Both Hands by @angelofthequeers

“I know he said never to take you back,” Plagg mutters. “But he’d change his tune if he knew.” He looks Adrien straight in the eye and, more serious than Adrien’s ever seen him before, says, “There’s someone you gotta meet. He’s been looking for that book for ages.” How differently might the events of season 2 have gone if Adrien had also known of Master Fu from the start?

Look I've literally written a series of essays going over the various aspects of the plot threads in this fic, it's one of the best ML fics I've ever read if you've wanted a fix-it for seasons 2 and 3. Especially with the way Chloe's redemption arc was handled, it's STILL the best Chloedemption arc I've ever read in a Miraculous fic, and I've read a LOT of Miraculous fics.

---

You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess by @mexicancat-girl

With Team Miraculous now full-time holders, Ladybug has them patrolling in pairs like her and Chat Noir. New partners Pigella and Purple Tigress get along phenomenally, their easy banter and similar wavelengths making working with each other a joy in and out of combat. But sometimes Tigress is surprised just how close she is with her partner. Sometimes she tries not to feel too guilty thinking about it.

There’s some nice Julerose here! I love them kinda getting into a lovesquare with each other, though it’s not as much of a problem as it is in canon since it’s reciprocal in every relationship and they’re both down for a poly. It’s fun, and I love the “Luka attempting to woo some of his love interests” plot going on in the background XD.

---

How Could I Not? by SorryJustAnotherPerson

In fairy tale books, Princesses were saved by nights from ferocious dragons. Those books were not their story, but Rose was happy to flip over a new page with her Juleka every single day. Many years ago, she was put to this tower by her parents and her kingdom, along with a fire breathing dragon, so she could find her prince charming one day. How foolish for them to not calculate her falling in love with the dragon. I mean seriously. How could she not?

I love fairy tale type stories, especially fractured fairy tales. And Juleka being a dragon is awesome. This is just a fun and adorable story.

---

The echoes there of me and you (The voices that are carrying this tune) by @tiredfloridianbutverygay

Juleka finds herself gifted an old castle in Scotland by an auntie she never even knew she had. At first, she's thinking she'll use it as a vacation home. Then she meets Rose, a ghostly blonde woman from another time who's been alone for decades and who's achingly in need of a friend. Juleka's never believed in the paranormal, the supernatural but it's hard to deny the blonde's existence. It's also hard to deny her growing affection for the specter. The specter, who Juleka knows should be moving on and the specter who Juleka knows might just need a bit of help doing so...

#ask #miraculous ladybug #ml fanfic rec

[why-am-i-here-someone-save-me]

SAGAU voicelines request!

How would characters react to Reader cheering for them through the screen (like "C'mon, you can do it!" "Good job, [character name]!!!" "Amazing!!!! Good work!!!"]...but the characters are the ones less used/thought to be weak by the fandom.

Here they are self-aware of their status in the teams, like Kokomi/Barbara/Diona/etc being the healers, Bennet/Mona/etc supports, or Amber/etc just...useless (no offense, i myself main Amber from the start of the game). Like they know they are supposed to be the heal or support of the team but you still main/use them as a DPS. Hopefully you understood my request, I apologize if it sounds messy.

Ah my sweet summer child, every character I build is a ‘support’ with like two exceptions. DPS? Never heard of ‘em.

Also, I framed the voice lines as if the Traveler was asking the other characters thoughts on you. I feel as if quite a few of them would be too shy to be open with the reader, so I figured this worked a tad better.

The way that you cheer them on means the world to them. Sure, they knew they weren’t the greatest at this sort of thing, it wasn’t their specialty, yet you didn’t mind. You didn’t get angry at the fact that they weren’t able to do massive amounts of damage. You loved them just as they were: and it meant everything to them. Your encouragement, your support, your unwavering faith in them; it pushed them to go further and further, striving to overcome their own limits, to grow even more. They’ll put forth the effort without hesitation if it means they can bring a smile to your face.

“Ah, you are familiar with [Name] as well Traveler? Interesting! Personally I consider myself very lucky to have received their guidance. I could not have led Watatsumi Island nearly as well as I have were it not for them. I am not someone who relies heavily on brute force, but even still I have found comfort in the power that [Name] has granted me. I only hope I can use it to protect the people of Watatsumi to the best of my ability.”

“Oh! Traveler! I wanted to thank you for helping me out with the whole Albert situation. Is there anything I can do for you in return? … Eh? My thoughts on [Name]? Well I deeply appreciate them and all they’ve done for me. I hope to someday make them proud!”

“If you’ve come to try to get more booze then you can turn right back aroun- Oh! It’s you! How are you Traveler? Did you need some help with something? Hm? [Name]? Well yes, of course I know them! I’m not dumb! What I think of them? Well… They’re very important to me. They have always been there for me, and that means a lot to me. Plus when they take me traveling I don’t have to deal with those smelly alcoholics!”

“Traveler! There you are! Wanna go on an adventure? …Huh? My luck? Well, yeah I guess I’m always a bit nervous about my luck, but recently I’ve had [Name] watching my back! When I have them watching my back, I know that everything will be just fine!”

“What is it? Honestly, who comes knocking on someone’s door at this early in the morning?! H-Huh?! What do you mean it’s already noon!?!? Ah this is really bad! Sorry no time to chat! I have to get ready for [Name]’s next Spiral Abyss expedition! I can’t bear to let them down!”

“Oh hey Traveler! It’s been a while since I saw you here in Mondstsdt! How about we stop by Good Hunter and catch up a little bit! Ah, you have a question for me? Sure thing Honorary Knight! Ask away!” “[Name]? Well yes, of course I know who [Name] is! I don’t get to hear from them often, but whenever I do, it’s the best feeling in the world! While a little part of me wished they’d call for me more, I can make due with what I’ve been given. After all, as Outrider, I have to keep watch for trouble!”

#luci answers #luci writes #genshin impact #genshin x reader #anon ask #genshin sagau #sangonomiya kokomi #sagau kokomi #kokomi #sagau barbara #genshin barbara #bennett #sagau bennett #genshin bennett #sagau Mona #mona megistus #sagau amber #genshin amber #sagau diona #genshin diona

[fastcardotmp3]

Hi hi!! I just recently finished Metamorphoses and have been thinking about it for a week solid. Just. Incredible. I’m talking about it with irls, that’s how much I’ve been THINKING.

I had a question relating to the epilogue; Eddie mentions that he and Steve broke up at one point but eventually came back together. What do you think was the cause for that official break? And what precipitated their getting together again? (I’m assuming the pauses that Eddie and Steve take in the fic are not the “official” breakup)

Thank you so much for sharing your work with us, and for putting so much love into what you do. ❤️

hi hello!!! I'm honored it's hung around in your brain that long thank you so much for your kind words😭but honestly what a coincidence because I am actually ALWAYS thinking about that universe 🥹💚

I would love to answer your question because the only reason I didn't include any of that in the actual epilogue is it would've screwed with the pacing So Much to go on a tangent like that (in an admittedly already too-long epilogue), but I've definitely thought about it!

Under the cut because it's me 🐍

The thing about where they're at by the end of the post-S4 timeline in that fic is they've grown and changed and matured a lot during that year and a half, right? They've learned so much about themselves and each other and where they fit, but they're also still so fucking young.

They're young enough that there's still just so much space for growing and changing to keep happening, and that's not an easy thing to always stick together through even when you're not prone to mental health relapses like these guys are.

They started working towards a proper Relationship with the capital R while they were still on kind of rocky ground healing wise, and no matter how solid they feel by chapter 10, someday they're going to be 25 and things will be changing again, they'll be changing again.

All of a sudden they're moving to a new city for each other and leaving behind the only place they've ever known each other and trying to find their footing all over again.

All of a sudden Eddie's changing career paths and making plans for a future he never thought he'd have and Steve is leaving behind all his repair-work clients in Indy and having to start fresh in Chicago.

All of a sudden there's a great big world outside of their door that's bigger than just them, and sure, that's always been the case, but maybe they got so comfortable in their bubble that going outside of it is as exciting as it is difficult.

There's so much still to learn about themselves, and they're both deeply imperfect, right? For Eddie there's the anxiety of losing his sense of self again and the ungrounded nature of that; for Steve there's maybe some lingering fear or even resentment for what it had felt like the last time Eddie decided to get up and go.

It's not just one thing, it's bigger than them just like the world, and it's Steve, ultimately, who decides he's scared enough of all the big upheavals that he can't be attached to Eddie like that right now, trapped in a tiny apartment together with nowhere for all the complexity to go.

Steve says he can't take care of himself while he's waiting for the other shoe to drop on Eddie's end of things, and so he walks away before Eddie can.

It's a break in the maturity, a taking over of old fears, but it makes sense, and even if it lasts less than 3 months in total, maybe it's good for them too.

Good to realize that they do exist outside of one another, that they don't need each other the way they once thought they did, but that they want each other all the same.

That it's no longer about not being able to stand without one another, and instead it's about standing by his side, holding his hand, even though he's got steady footing on his own two feet.

Steve is the one to walk away, and this time? It's Eddie who comes to him.

It's Eddie who says, I don't think I ever really grasped what it was like for you when I ran. I don't think I ever really apologized. I'm sorry.

It's Eddie who lays it all out on the table and makes it clear, I don't need you to fix me anymore, I just like holding your hand.

They still have so much space to grow and change, but the thing is, three months apart helps them realize maybe they're capable of doing it together.

Maybe it doesn't have to be earth-shattering every time.

Maybe it can last, as long as they keep working for it, wanting it, choosing it.

Just because they survived the end of the world doesn't mean they'll automatically be able to survive all the small stuff too, they know now, but they have the fight in them. The want.

And that's what really matters.

#ask #dot thought #metamorphoses fic #thank you for asking i could literally talk about these dudes all day 😭 #kindnesses

[lycanthrology]

1. Your first OC ever? / 2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs? / 12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lot / 19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why) / 25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?) / 32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why? / 44. Something you like about your OCs in general

Yeah this is long

1. Your first OC ever?

I could dig up some old notebooks and share some of the worst characters you’ve ever seen in your life. One that’s sticking out to me is a werewolf called Maze. When I was 7 or so, my friend group got me to write them into a sparticle mystery inspired apocalypse situation. The characters were NOT meant to be us 😡😡😡 but it was very clear that they were. Each was a different fantasy/horror creature like vampire, ghost, siren etc and I can't remember anything about Maze except she was a werewolf and my shitty self insert. And I got very angry because a teacher read it and pronounced her name as Maisy. It’s Maze like the labyrinth like the CORN

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs?

Lennox and Kaleela mean so much to me. Especially when they talk to each other. It’s fun to write their interactions. I’ve been getting into William a lot recently. Underrated.

12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lot

Your OC Weston!! I might’ve spelled his name wrong. I don’t know much but I think about him often. @vonkarma2 ‘s wizard world is rotting my brain near on 24/7. Rocio, Cirillo, Lucia, Gloria, + Jacinto in particular.

If anyone ever wants to talk about their OCs, please message me. I love hearing about them and will get so excited

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why)

Oh I can’t do this. I’m going to say Crow but not for the reason you’ll expect.

I haven’t talked about this much but Crow has Klinefelter's and is intersex, and even though this has very little impact on the actual narrative (debatable. I don’t have the time to explain this but there is quite a lot of subtext) and he doesn’t even know it himself, it’s so important to me that he’s there living in that body.

I can count the amount of intersex characters that exist on one hand. And most of them are offensive or distasteful. Like two characters merged into one body, mutants, or some kind of alien or nonhuman creature (<- yes I know crow is nonhuman too but it’s ok this time because i said so. Also if you know him he’s far more than just ‘nonhuman creature’) Even if an intersex character is considered ‘good representation’, they’re always so boring!! Even in independent work by LGBT+ authors there are rarely intersex characters. Forget about intersex headcanons or OCs. There’s nothing at all and it’s so isolating. And even if there is, people erase their intersexuality by calling them trans or nonbinary when they’re intercis. Just make intersex characters!! Do it!! If you get it wrong, at least you’re trying

So when Crow fits the archetype of the beloved miserable bad boy, wrestling with his identity and personhood, murderer with so many problems begrudgingly working with the protagonists, but he’s existing as an intersex man(!!) That’s revolutionary to me. It’s very healing. If nobody else is doing it, you’ve got to take matters into your own hands

25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?)

I’m like Harry Dashwood because I want to be in the House of Lords and would push Crow down a flight of stairs. That’s a joke. Kaleela because I’m annoying about bad films, love my friends, and have an unfounded fear that everyone hates me.

32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why?

Lennox. He’s smart, and brave, and he knows when to quit. But he’s so recklessly curious. Kind of guy to investigate a strange noise in a forest alone at midnight. Kind of guy to spend a month trying to solve an ARG. Kind of guy that escapes the narrative then comes back a year later because [bloodborne voice] oh how the secrets beckon so sweetly. He isn’t an idiot and he won’t persue something pointless or overtly dangerous. Sometimes something will get lodged in his head and he Needs to investigate it.

44. Something you like about your OCs in general

Name one good decision any of them have ever made. You can’t.

#answers #jv tag #oc stuff #WAHOO sorry this took forever

[dkniade]

i love the way you write 😭😭 i’ve checked out a bunch of your stuff over the last few days and i am eyeballing your works respectively

from one midnight poet to another — what inspires you to take up poetry as a medium? who are your favorite authors/poets/inspirations?

Ahh, thank you! That’s very flattering to hear!

As for what inspires me to write poetry… Mostly my own feelings and thoughts, I’d say. The same goes for writing and journaling, but when I’m upset I find poetry to be one of the fastest mediums (if I’m in the mood to do so) to relieve my stress, anger— something like that. Personally it works much better for stress and anger towards particular things than sadness because if I’m just sad with no reason, finding words and essentially finding a concrete thing to be sad about makes it worse for me. Though with that being said, I’m trying to learn how to write wholesome poems about healing, as well. (I think.)

Poetry, to me, is an amplifier and a type of freedom, I guess. There are some things I can’t really say to others in real life, but in poetry I’ve no audience (in the sense that I’m not actually speaking to anyone) so I don’t have to worry about my diction and tone.

But also, I think poetry is a great way to tell a character's story concisely, maybe even in-character too, especially if the character is a poet themselves. Writing in-character poems, for example my Venti poems “Flute Song” and “Song of Feathers Fit For Flight”, forces me to think like the character and then kind of create something as the character, which I find interesting. I'm writing as the character who’s writing something themselves.

As for other poets/inspirations… Initially it was anime opening themes, particularly Hello Sleepwalkers’ “Goya no Machiawase” (Overnight Appointment/Midnight Rendezvous) because of the idea of going towards and talking to oneself.

おやすみ　その絶望を受け取って

明日への僕は歩き始めた

また今夜　待ち合わせよう

Good night, I accept this despair and

Started walking towards tomorrow

Let’s meet again tonight!

And then it changed to the VOCALOID producer Neru’s works in his first two albums Sekai Seifuku and My Name Is Love Song. If I had to pick songs then I’d say “How To World Domination”. (Note: This is Oktavia’s translation which conveys the intentions well I’d say)

どうせ愛な��てって薄幸ぶって強がっても

きっと本心じゃ疚しさに襲われて

どうだい現状の僕は

そうかい、どうしようもないな

うるさいなお前なんて大嫌いだ

Even if I say “To hell with love”, embracing my misery and feigning a “I’ve stopped giving a shit” sort of air

I know I couldn’t do that without feeling ashamed for hiding how I really feel

How goes things, my present day self?

Oh I see, it’s hopeless, huh?

God you piss me off, I hate you so much!

and “Terror”

やられたらやり返せ 君の番だ 捨てた夢の全てを拉致しろ

心の居場所を賭したレジスタンス

笑われたその分だけ 笑い返せ 言わば人生のクーデター

勝ちも負けもない延長戦 僕らの反撃前夜

If they strike at you, strike back! It’s your turn now! Take back every one of your abandoned dreams

It’s a resistance where your heart’s place is at stake

Laugh back only as much as you were laughed at! A coup d’état of life, so to speak

Going into overtime with neither wins nor losses

It’s the eve of our counterattack

But recently it’s been the alt-folk band The Amazing Devil’s lyrics. I like their style and their rhythm and rhymes a lot, but also I LOVE their call-and-response sort of conversational lyrics. I guess I’m finally thinking about that more since, well, they write songs in English where the aforementioned aspects are easier to pick out (than in Japanese).

I remember for my “The Immature Liege and the Heartless Joker”, I was inspired by “The Old Witch Sleep and the Good Man Grace”. (You can see it even in the title too.)

'Cause we'll dance together so close we're sharing breath

But now I'm leading, doesn't that just scare you to death?

'Cause I'm all yours, you're all mine

Let's dance together, you and I

'Cause I'm not trapped, oh with you, you see

You're the one who's trapped with me

And then, “Farewell Wanderlust” has the “flirting with your (metaphorical) enemy” sort of vibe that I also really like.

"Come, devil, come, " she sang, "call out my name"

Let's take this outside, 'cause we're one and the same

Our gods have abandoned us, left us instead

Take up arms, take my hand, let us waltz for the dead

Defiance. It seems in the songs and artists I like, there’s always a sense of defiance against unpleasant feelings. I like the idea of telling yourself to be stronger and stand up for yourself, or if you’re not ready for that yet, then at least face your feelings as they are without trying to soften it to make them sound acceptable. It’s what I strive for in my pieces too.

#dusk answers #hello sleepwalkers #Goya no machiawase #Neru #Neruke #how to world domination #the amazing devil #the old witch sleep and the good man grace #farewell wanderlust

[cl0udpup]

Autism self-discovery

This post will be detailing the thread I referenced in my last post. Here we go.

I’ve spent the last few months researching autism, trying to decide if it fits for me. I feel like I need to basically write a report with all the reasons I may or may not be autistic, before bringing it up to anyone in my personal life.

I’ve already gone through so many diagnoses, mental and physical health, because I’ve had so many problems my entire life. This adds to my fear of being disbelieved, or called a hypochondriac, or that people might think I’m just collecting diagnoses. In reality, I’ve known there’s something wrong and/or different about me as long as I can remember.

Some things fit, and give me a sense of relief and understanding. As time goes on, and other symptoms or circumstances clear, I feel I get closer to witnessing the real me. The clearer a picture I get, the more at peace I feel.

Right now, I’m at the end of a year that’s been almost entirely focused on my health issues. I found myself more disabled than ever before (and learned for the first time that I do indeed fit that label,) unable to work, do hobbies, take care of myself... I was falling apart.

Thankfully, also for the first time, I have genuine, unwavering, non-judgmental support. I have someone who believes and validates my struggles, and encourages me to continue healing.

After my physical ailments were brought under control, I was able to focus on my mental health. I went back to therapy, got a psychiatrist, adjusted my depression/anxiety meds, got diagnosed with ADHD - Inattentive type, started meds for it recently.

Yesterday I felt clarity like never before. I realized I felt “nothing”. I felt “normal.” It was amazing.

I’ve mentioned this before, but being sober now has been wildly eye opening as well. I’m sober, stable, medicated, and feel I finally can look at myself and my life, free from the fog.

I have always questioned WHY my life has been the way it is. Why I’ve had such a hard time, despite my best efforts, despite using any resources I could, despite trying to be self aware, research and learn about my problems, my behavior, my thinking.

ADHD explains a lot, but my experiences don’t fully align with other ADHD’ers I talk to or read about. In contrast, I feel seen when interacting with autists online, especially with AuDHD’ers.

The experience of being:

so sensitive (in every way)

chronically both over and under-stimulated

feeling like an outsider

excelling in some areas (or appearing to) but struggling deeply in others

always falling behind / can never catch up 

quirky and annoying

drawn to “weird” subcultures

bouncing around to communities without a group to call home

desperately plotting routines and schedules, but never able to stick to anything

always trying to “get my life together” 

I’ve been searching for so long for an answer to explain everything, why I feel so deeply, like I’m too sensitive for this world; I don’t understand how people can be so detached and uncaring. I’ve just been bewildered by it all, and don’t understand why people think I’M the weird one for caring so much about everything.

I’ve read others stories I see myself in. I feel it could be me, but I just still am scared, and don’t know. I told my therapist today I think my sibling is autistic, and we are alike in many ways. I’m thinking next week, maybe I’ll say: maybe I am too.

The replies:

“The fact you connect with what you’re learning about Autism and especially AuDHD’ers lived experiences is a good indication. Internalized ableism and Autistiphobia are hard to overcome.

I learned I was AuDHD as a young adult, and while it was liberatory in a way, I felt it was wrong of me to co-opt something I didn’t think I deserved to take the title of, as there were people who have more or different support needs. That was the ableism.

It’s okay to take your time. Feeling the need to justify your existence to others is their neuro-normative expectations on you, not your burden to bear.”

“I’m autistic and have all the traits you mentioned too.”

“Whatever you decide, you’re welcome between us! It took me a couple years to bring it to people close to me, and even then I have been really guarded about it in general, that’s ok too!”

“This is wildly autistic; which is to say, so awesome. You don’t need a test to know who you are.”

“I relate to a lot of what you shared. I went from social anxiety to BPD to cPTSD to ADHD before ever considering autism. I needed to know why I am so different and why life is so hard for me. I needed validation which I never got before finding the autistic community here.”

“This is autistic as fuck. Reminder that autism self-dx is absolutely valid. You don’t owe an explanation to anyone.”

“You do you and what works for you, but as soon as I started reading your thread I was like hmmm, yep, sounds very familiar! :)”

“That would be a very autistic thing to do, you probably don’t need to do the list. ;)”

“Something I’m learning is that people who are not autistic don’t spend time wondering if they are.”

“This is me but 4 years of intensive research. My traits are recorded in sections in a document.”

“This first post right here is all the diagnosis you need. You just described the most autistic thing. This is the journey for so many of us. Welcome to the club.”

“So you’re saying you’re autistic then. ;) I agonized as well, making lists, weighing ADHD with ASD. Then I came here and talked about it and was assured that NT’s don’t make lists about whether they’re autistic or not. In fact, their brains are apparently rather quiet from what I hear.”

“There’s not much in the world that’s more autistic than extensive research on whether or not you’re autistic.”

“Making a list is a very autistic approach. I use it often.”

“This tweet shows your autism. Extensive research and writing a report, that’s your autism tell right there. Also, no one who isn’t autistic wants to be autistic. You have done the research; self-diagnosis is VALID because of gatekeeping of the diagnosis.”

#gosh #actually autistic #autistic #autism #neurodivergent #neurodiverse #self advocacy #autistic community #validation #autistic af #i love making lists

[lets-talk-spirituality]

Where have you been?

It’s been awhile since I’ve done a long post and it’s because I’m just going through a lot of shifting within myself. Maybe some of what I share can help you.

End of August I moved like halfway across the world from where I was living previously and since then I’ve been adjusting to so much. This place is so healing and beautiful and I can feel so much of the peace I’ve been yearning for.

I’m working through a lot of releasing of the past, dreaming of old lovers and bosses. I had a very toxic boss for three years and I’m still healing a few months after leaving. I just quit in late July so I’m still processing through that. I didn’t realize how much healing I still needed but it’s been showing up in dreams.

Woah oh oh it’s magic!

Lately the universe has been doing some amazing magic in my life. One new thing is that I’ve been allowed to at times see myself through the eyes of someone who loves me. It’s like randomly I will get this amazingly confident feeling of how cool I am and strong and beautiful and it’s like woah, where’s that coming from, but truth is I am all those things and I don’t need to down myself to appear humble. If I wanna be cocky it would be a start to the years I spent beating myself up. But it’s like I can see myself outside of my own critical self lens and there is so much beauty in that.

I’ve also been feeling like I don’t need to justify myself. I’ve been spending most of my weekends just relaxing and sitting in nature and there’s this internal shame that comes up. I’ve been telling it to fuck off and questioning where I got that doing nothing means I’m good for nothing or have nothing going on. Rest is actually an active choice I’m making to build up energy for all that I feel is already in my orbit. I had this insight once about how warriors can’t keep fighting well if they never heal and rest after battle. I’m sick of fighting wounded. Flowers don’t bloom year around. It’s okay to rest and be dormant. Life isn’t too short to find peace.

New Skills

I’m building new skills. Rest is a skill. Peace is a skill. Joy is a skill. All ones that are new to me. Although I recently experienced a timeline shift, my energy is still shifting and as I heal, more shifts. The universe asked me to stop smoking nicotine earlier this year but I wasn’t there yet. About two/three weeks ago I stopped. And honestly the only reason is because that is a coping mechanism I’ve outgrown and no longer need. An older version of me used that to cope but the me I’m becoming doesn’t. Holding onto that habit was holding me back and the second I let that go, I felt a shift. I’d never condemn habits as bad but there does come a time when holding onto something that we used to need keeps us in that old energy. I’m not that person anymore and letting myself let go of things isn’t easy. I miss the habit of smoking itself, not even nicotine but like all things, I will become used to this new normal too.

Exhaustion

Part of my quest to stop smoking has also been I’m just fucking tired all the time and have been since like the start of the pandemic. I realized that my mind is constantly thinking and manifesting in the background. I also had a breakthrough in therapy where we made the connection that codependency (putting others feelings before your own) is actually anxiety and it blew my mind. Taking antidepressants has been so wonderful for me, and so I’m determined now to try anti anxiety medication to help with the overthinking, ruminating thoughts and other ways that anxiety manifests. I think it may be part of why I’m so tired. But I know part is just filtering all that’s happening in the world. The more I heal the more I can filter and the less it effects me.

Megaformer!

I also said yes to myself and started a new workout class I love. I was warring with myself about the cost but I realized if I want to be the girl who does this workout then I need to do it! And honestly when I told people the price they were like that’s not that much. Perspective! If I want to become the me I want to be then I have to do what she does. All these choices are putting me in the energy of who I am. I’m letting myself be me finally. If green juice is basic, so what I’m basic! I don’t care about anything but figuring out ways to love being alive. I realized the whole point of exercise is to spend one on one time gaining trust and confidence in your body. This class focuses a lot on strength and it’s been amazing to focus my mind and challenge my body this way.

In summation:

Anyway! I’m still around and will do a long post soon I hope but I’m just like all of you. Just because I know things doesn’t mean I’m not still growing and being challenged. I’m still human and I’m still figuring out how to heal and move on from toxic situations, learning to let go of people and things and ideas, learning to love myself and how to talk to myself and treat myself better. The energy shifting I’ve been doing takes a lot of self work and energy. Changing takes a lot of effort and intention and consistency. The abundance and joy I’m reeling into myself takes a lot of energy. I love all of you and I hope some of what I shared maybe helps you too.

#magic #self growth #self reflection #self awareness #new skills #about mod

[str82theheartpls]

Therapy is for Understanding not Healing

Some of my friends refuse to go to therapy. I’ll admit, it’s a small subset of my huuuuuge group of friends (lol) but they exist! My post- or currently in- therapy friends and I, who have been therapized, therapize each other, read Freud and Jung, and psychoanalyze other friends when they’re not in the room with analyses so in-depth so scathing you’d think we get paid for our time, can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to go to therapy. 

Up until recently, I thought it was because they were scared of introspection. Now, I think it has to do with the POINT of therapy. The why behind it. The whole reason we’re there.

Around 1890, as Freud was writing his work, Studies on Hysteria, he wrote that the end goal of therapy was to turn the patient’s “hysterical misery into uncommon happiness.” In other words, Freud just wants your brain to function at a normal level, so that you too can join in the suffering that is the human experience!😊

But today, therapists, influencers who claim to be therapists, characters in movies, tv shows, and books, and normal IRL people will have you believe that therapy is THE panacea. Dr. Nicole LePera (@the.holistic.psychologist), a clinical psychologist with 6 million Instagram followers, writes in her Instagram bio for all to see, “I teach you to heal + consciously create a new version of yourself.”

👁️👄👁️To heal AND to create a completely new version of myself?!?! Seems like a lofty goal to me. But go off I guess!

Freud in his writings, was constantly doubting his techniques, questioning the efficacy of psychoanalysis and other therapies, and even questioning himself. So he was a #humble king.

But I’ve noticed that now, through societal expectations and online culture, therapy promises prospective clients a lot. There’s a lot of talk about “healing generational trauma,” “breaking old patterns,” and “self-actualization.” (To be clear, I don’t really blame professionals and the field of Psychology and Therapy for this, I mostly blame TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter.)

But if the one and only Father of Psychology (or as I like to call him, the Daddy of Psychology) believes that therapy isn’t about fixing and is instead about understanding, then how did we get here? And is having this lofty expectation of complete and utter healing keeping people from going to therapy?

The way I understand Freud’s above quote is this: The ultimate goal of therapy is not to really improve or cure the person but to get them to make their unconscious ideas, wishes, fears, and desires conscious. If we don’t believe in unconscious/conscious thoughts, then we can say that Freud believed the ultimate goal of therapy was to help the client understand their actions, mistakes, desires, wishes, fears, etc. 

And once someone truly understands themselves, digs deep, and confronts the fears and desires that they try so hard to bury in their subconscious, then we come to another problem: they are suddenly deeply unhappy, because they’re able to now judge themselves for these things that were once hidden. 

And maybe that’s the most difficult part of therapy: uncovering beliefs and thoughts that you’ve held deep inside for so long and having to reckon with what truly makes you human. I feel like that’s what makes introspection so difficult. We really want to like ourselves, and if we know too much, we might not like ourselves!😨

So that’s one reason why my friends might be avoiding therapy. Okay fine. That’s somewhat, maybe understandable! 

BUT WHAT IF…. They’re avoiding therapy not because they’re scared of their true selves, but because they’re scared to start therapy thinking that they’ll never reach this lofty goal of self-actualization and complete healing that is promised to us TODAY but that Freud doesn’t actually believe in?

This seems closer to the truth for me. Today, we have a big emphasis on HEALING which shouldn’t be the actual goal of therapy. The goal of therapy I think is to truly understand our actions, motives, and desires so that we can then gain control of these things. 

I think capitalism and the internet have created this belief that therapy should completely heal us. Because if it doesn’t completely “heal” us why are we paying for it? Capitalism has existed for so long, but mix capitalism with social media and constant ideas and phenomena being turned into fodder for influencers, and you get the societal belief that therapy needs a PRODUCT in order for it to be worth it under capitalism. What makes therapy worth it? The complete eradication of all your problematic behaviors, urges that stem from past experiences, toxic traits, etc.

So moving forward, I hope we can use Freud’s goal of therapy rather than Instagram’s. If not for us, then let’s do it for my friends. They really need it. 😉

#writing #writer #blogging #blog #words #quote #Freud #Neo-Freudian #psychology #therapy #mental health #healing #mindfulness #TikTok #instagram #mine #me #text post #girl blogger #tumblr #twitter #anti capitalist

[standingontheoverpassscreaming]

Worried I’m a bit in the weeds with this and as a human service worker for disabled ppl I need perspective, preferably from disabled/chronically ill folk.

a close friend of mine has had health complaints as long as I have known her. initially, it was an unconfirmed diagnosis of endometriosis. a constantly under diagnosed condition in AFAB people. affected her in a myriad of ways. despite constant complaints- to the point of it and her cats dominating our conversations like literally would just call to talk about her back pain and her cats playing and nothing else- and despite leaving multiple jobs while citing chronic pain as the reason, took her years to see a doctor. And then another year or so when the doctor blew her off like I warned her they would. which is discouraging, I know, but I gave her the statistics and discussed medical self advocacy in depth repeatedly every time she called to gripe and used shitty doctors as her reason for inaction. I actually ended up ghosting her for like a year because I couldn’t handle the constant calls that ignored the fact that I had a life and experiences of my own while repeating the same shit, often verbatim, and also overly in depth, overly explained.

We also talked about her mental health, coping with trauma, falling into and working on recovery from addiction from poor mental health. She booked what? One appointment? With the local sliding scale psych office where she said the meds made her nauseous then kept “forgetting to book again”

when she wormed her way back in, she was back at work and had finally, finally, pursued more medical attention. she’d had a colonoscopy and a gall bladder removal which apparently did nothing to help her issue but did exacerbate her IBS. and she’d apparently been fighting a constant battle against kidney stones that no one would do anything about apparently and it made her back pain worse… or caused it idk? for all the repetitive, drawn out, over explanations, I’m still not sure which. but she recently quit this job, which was night shift at a gym, complaining that they expected her to do more cleaning than day shift which exacerbated her pain. okay cool, desk job time right? She though so too until she decided that she misses bartending. And now she’s back to the calls. The long calls where she doesn’t even ask what I’m doing despite it being the middle of my fucking work day to tell me about how she’s gotta piss in a jug for testing. And how she’s gonna try to bartend again. Even though I pointed out that there’s a lot more on your feet and lifting heavy shit with bartending than the night shift gym gig where you had to greet 5 people, sweep up, then sit and read behind the counter for 8 hours. Also reminded her about the jobs that were sedentary that she had specifically asked me to look for. But more long winded explanations and yeah no she quit bartending bc of the pain but mostly bc of management.

Let’s not forget a few nights ago when I pointed out AGAIN that she was working herself up into anxiety and doing the anxious over explainer shit AGAIN and recommended therapy AFUCKINGGAIN and all the sudden her complaints about her mental health disappeared bc actually she likes her anxious thought processes and actually she thinks she’d more anxious if she could slow down her thoughts and aCtUaLlY she doesn’t want to heal up that anxiety

And the thing is that I believe her. She does experience chronic pain. She does deal with health concerns. Her mental health is subpar.

But I don’t know where the line is and I can’t keep having her ignore me as a person and use me as an endless dispenser of advice she refuses to take despite asking for it. I can’t be the ear that bends to all her complaints while she literally ignores what’s going on in my life. And I mean, I’ve dealt with chronic hip and knee pain for like a decade now, but I don’t call and wax poetic, I went to professionals until I got at least enough help to reduce flare up frequency and severity. I don’t use my cptsd, history of manic depression, and (now! because guess who actually did and is doing the therapy thing!) history of anxiety as an excuse. And even when I was in the throes of it, I didn’t wreck my life about it then use these issues as an excuse for it to those who loved me.

I can’t stay in this fucking cycle anymore because it sucks so bad to watch her take little steps forward then giant steps back. And it sucks even worse to have to do constant emotional labor about it.

And I know I’m pissed off and tired but what I need to know is am I being fucking ableist? Because I have dedicated my career to disability services and advocacy and I know it’s not the same when it’s personal like this, but I use what I’ve learned to try to help her but she seems to ignore it so she can call and tell me the exact same shit on a too-long phone call the next week

#personal #plz advise #I think there’s a chance I’m being a piece of shit #but I also recognize that her emotional immaturity place a significant role here

[dalchiid]

Hey! I really love you and your works, but I just need some advice…

I recently just got friendzoned by a guy i really liked and really though I had a chance with… and it hurts so much because I think the reasons are more on the levels of physical attraction, I don’t fit the Asian beauty standards and not skinny enough to be found attractive even tho conversationally we connect well and can talk about deep topics and such… he didn’t blatantly say that, but when I though about it, it feels like that’s the only thing left..

I don’t want to dramatically change myself for affection, but why does it seem like the world that we live in right now demands physical attraction over connection, and that I may never connect if I don’t change ?

I’m 22 btw, I’m trying so hard to get over him ( this happened just pass weekend ) I have him muted and restricted so that I don’t see his convos too frequently, but it hurts so so much..

It hurts so much, cause I’ve been rejected on many other dates too, even tho I have a wealth of a personality, it’s always turned off when we meet, I can’t get over it

I’m sorry, thank you for holding space for me in this anon ask

Hey sweetie I hear you on this. You apologized in the last portion of this ask and I just want to say that you don't need to apologize. You're going through something that is painful, emotionally, and all of your feelings are valid. I know people say that alot but it's true. Your feelings are valid. I wish I could ease your pain and I'll try my best with my words.

It's okay to let it hurt. You're a human with a vast amount of emotions. Hurting is okay. It doesn't make you weak. Embrace your feelings.

I wish things would have worked out for you but a lot of times life doesn't go how we want. You're still young though so there are plenty of opportunities to come for you even if it doesn't feel that way. The wound is too fresh for it to feel that way.

The best thing I can say in the end is that you have to focus on yourself. Even if that means your friendship with this guy has to go on the back burner. This is your time to heal. You already have him muted and it's for the best at least for the time being. I want you to also practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with love and understanding in the same way you would a family member or a friend. A way you can do this is to think about what your loved one would feel in your position. What would you say for them to do to make things better for themselves? Whatever your answer may be try and apply that to yourself.

If you have a notebook write your feelings down and if it feels good to you can rip it up after. Doing that can be cathartic for some. Going for a walk can help too. Even if it's not a long one or if you can't bring yourself to walk sitting outside for a bit might help. Spending time out can help you clear your head.

Keep taking the time to care for yourself. It won't solve all of your problems but this can help cushion the feeling of loss because you'll know how to deal with it in a healthier way.

As for changing who you are I'm glad you said you don't want to dramatically change for affection because you shouldn't. Relationships based off of physical attraction alone are fickle. But if you do change do it for yourself. Do it because you want to and not because you feel the pressure of having to be someone else just to get into a relationship. Change is good but only when it's done right and for the right reasons.

I wish I could be of more help and I hope your time in healing is swift and if not then that's okay. These type of things take time. Nothing changes overnight.

#ask

[pulverulents]

#30: on alternate universes and quarter-life crises

It’s crazy to think that the last time I did this, I hadn’t graduated from uni yet. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to journal since then, it’s just that I didn’t really have any headspace for any kind of non-academic writing or proper introspection until... now, I guess? Even now, after so long of not really putting my thoughts into proper full sentences, it’s kind of hard to write in a way that isn’t in a scientific capacity.

There’s been a lot of thoughts running through my head lately, though. And as always, I’m not sure where to start. But nobody reads these things except me anyway, so I guess it doesn’t really matter whether or not there’s any semblance of flow or logic to this. 

I’m glad the pandemic is pretty much over. Not that the virus has disappeared, but the world seems to have more or less returned to normal now. Which is great, because it would really suck to have to graduate into the job market of 2 years ago. I’m glad that I have a job that I like, and another job on the horizon that I’m excited about too. Most days whenever I think about it I can still barely believe that I somehow applied for 1 job and ended up being offered 2 (well, actually 3 if you count the freelance retainer offer thingy). And I’m glad that at least for now, I still have the time and bandwidth to continue with aca with The Lower Loungers. 

I’ve recently started getting a glimpse of the wider aca community in Singapore, though, and... honestly, a lot of people in it give me the ick. And like, in a MAJOR way. Maybe I’m the one at fault for vacillating violently between “oh shit I’m actually pretty good at this” and “holy shit I suck at this”, but my impression is that a lot of them have overinflated egos and will take any and every opportunity to show off, or will hype their “friends” up without really meaning it even though something their “friends” are doing may be objectively not-good. But I’m glad that in The Lower Loungers, I’ve surrounded myself with people who I can trust to be honest with themselves and with me, and who are driven by passion and not ego. Which seems (at least, to me) to be fairly rare in this industry. I’ve always had a theory that to be a good musician, you need a healthy balance of narcissism and self-loathing, and I guess as someone who more often than not sits on the self-loathing end, it really irks me when the balance is tipped towards the other end. Or maybe I’m just jealous of their confidence. I don’t know. I should probably be unpacking all of this in therapy, but I have neither the time nor the money for it right now.

I feel like I’ve been trying to be own therapist for a long time now, though. It’s always been a coping mechanism of sorts for me to intellectualise my feelings and pick them apart from the outside, so the next time I feel the same way maybe it won’t hurt as much. Does it work? Hell if I know. It doesn’t really make things easier in the moment, that’s for sure. But it’s definitely more convenient to just force myself to swallow it and then pick away at it later when it’s half-digested, rather than sit in it in all its fullness and dissolve into an emotional mess. I’m starting to realise that maybe this coping mechanism isn’t always the most healthy way to approach things. Sometimes I can move on by compartmentalising it and opening it up later when I’m in a more stable headspace. Other times it just feels like I’m always running away from myself. Maybe sometimes I just need to let myself sit in the emotion and fully feel through it. 

My sister mentioned something recently about “healing your inner child”. I’ve heard of it before, but I’ve never really felt the need to really dwell on it, I suppose. But maybe that’s because I don’t want to think about myself as a child. I want to leave her in the past, together with all the pain and hurt that she carries, whether or not she knows that she does. I don’t know how to look her in the face without shouldering all of her damage again. Running away again, I guess.

And maybe all this running away is what’s keeping me from emotionally availing myself for a relationship. I’m not ready to share my life so intimately with someone else, but I may never be. I don’t know. I don’t even really know how to identify, some days I don’t feel any need to label myself but other days it’s hard not to feel the pressure to do just that. It’s hard enough to admit to myself that I’m probably not straight, let alone commit to it by labelling it. Most days I get by by telling myself that I’d rather be happily alone with a bunch of cats than unhappily stuck in a loveless marriage. Still, it would be nice to have someone. I want to be able to say that I have someone. But that doesn’t mean that the prospect of opening up my deepest wounds to someone doesn’t still terrify me. And being openly not-straight also terrifies me. Immensely so. Maybe things wouldn’t be so difficult if I wasn’t such a late bloomer with love and sexuality.

To be honest, lately I can’t help but feel that I’m a late bloomer in... pretty much all of my interests apart from the one that I’m currently making a career out of. I’d like to think that in another life, I got singing lessons instead of keeping with piano, kept with choir instead of pin-balling between all the other performing arts, and would be more competent and more connected with the aca community now. Or maybe in another life, I’d have the guts to post covers online of me and my guitar, or I’d been allowed to bring my guitar to hall, and maybe I’d have gotten into Unplugged and would be a part of some band now. In yet another life, I’d like to think that I discovered musical theatre earlier and went to Lasalle or even somewhere in America to get a BFA in musical theatre and try to make it on Broadway, or honestly, I would even be content with regional theatre. In another life, I’d like to think that I stuck with softball through secondary school and JC, and would still be strong enough and athletic enough to continue playing it now. In another life, maybe I would’ve let my Taylor Swift edit-making skills turn into a passion for graphic design. In another life, maybe I would have pushed through being really bad at math and actually have become an engineer like Mr Lim Lee said I should. Or maybe in another life, I’d have gone overseas for uni and and have embarked on a myriad of academic or non-academic ventures that I can’t do here in Singapore. Maybe it would be easier there to figure out who I am.

I’m not saying that I’d rather live these alternate lives over this one. Or am I? I don’t know. No, most days I really do believe that I am where I’m meant to be, and even though at several points long the way I thought I was being derailed, they resulted in valuable experiences that shaped me into who I am. Even if I still don’t really know who I am. They were chapters of my life that served a purpose for where I was in life at the time, and once it was over it was time to move on to the next chapter and leave it behind, no matter how much I enjoyed it. It doesn’t stop me from missing those chapters and from mourning what could’ve been if certain things hadn’t happened or if I had actually been as competent as I would have liked to be, but it is what it is, I guess. Actually, on that note - do I really even want to live those alternate lives? Or do I just resent that I’m not competent enough to really live them out? Were / are they ever truly passions of mine or is it just that I can’t stand not being good enough at something that I even mildly enjoy? Is it that I would rather be a spectacular failure than put in the effort to strive for excellence and then fall short into mediocrity? Damn, I really should be unpacking all of this in therapy.

But I do think I’ve more or less made peace with the fact that I’m where I am for a reason. It doesn’t stop me from daydreaming about what could’ve been in another life, though I’ll never admit that to anyone.

It also doesn’t stop me from worrying endlessly about the future. I know, sounds like nothing has changed. I guess my life has always been marked by endless anxiety that surrounds me and everything I do like a tornado of static. And part of me doesn’t know where the static ends and I begin. But that’s nothing new, I suppose. For now, I’m just taking things one day at a time, one chapter at a time. Because it’s senseless to worry about someday not being ok when I am ok right now. 

Ok. Breathe.

-jo

#journal #entry 30

[creaturebehavior]

damn. life hurts. i think i’ve been having a really hard time.

i feel like i will never get out of this hole because the world wasn’t designed for me. i get burnt out every time i try to do what everybody else is doing

all i want is to run away. i have no income and nowhere to run.

i wish i at least had money for drugs.

i can’t believe i’m alive. i don’t want to do this anymore. i can’t wake up to this anymore.

i wish i at least could afford to use drugs. i can’t believe how suicidal i feel today. i haven’t felt this way in a really long time.

i wish i could be more normal. all i want is to work a little job and to make enough to get my needs met but i can’t even hold a conversation with a human or barely leave my house

I feel trapped. and i know if i try to kill myself again i’ll just end up not getting the help i need like every other time and for some reason i can never fucking die like i just won’t die i always live no matter how many overdoses or seizures are car crashes or the whole town burning down while i’m driving through it in my car but for some cruel reason i just won’t die.

i have to find another way. i’m honestly kind of afraid to die but i’m also so afraid to keep on living. i think if i were to seriously attempt suicide again, i would try carbon monoxide poisoning in my car in the garage but i’m just afraid i would have too much time to change my mind. i always think a lot about hanging myself so that i can’t change my mind but i can’t find anywhere in my house to hang myself from.

idek. i’ve been having a really bizarre week, mentally. i lot of flashbacks. a lot of dreams. a lot of recent fumbled social interactions m, reinforcing my fear of interacting with people. a lot of awareness around my behavior, past and present and how toxic of a person i’ve always been. i don’t know how to heal from this or change. i’m in so much pain all the time i’m such a selfish person, i’m just like my dad, my whole life is about how much pain i’m in and making it every im else’s problem. This is the reason why i avoid people and isolate myself from everyone, because i don’t know how to behave. i don’t know how to not act out. i don’t know how to regulate my emotions. i don’t know how to filter my thoughts. even if it’s accidental, i am rude. i feel feral. i feel completely detached from the song and dance everyone does with each other. i have such low empathy. i find it hard to care about anybody. i’m so burnt out, i find it hard to continue to politely pretend i care about anybody.

i’m clearly very unwell. at least i’m aware of it now, right? i just can’t fathom how i’m gonna get better. i’m exhausted. i don’t know how to try to care i don’t know how to be better. i cut myself off from the world. i try so hard in my little interactions when i run my necessary errands and i try to be nice but i still am accidentally rude and i come off very strangely. whenever i’m stone cold sober i appear to be on drugs because i’m so out of touch with reality and i’m so mentally fucked in the head. don’t know what it is. severe dissociation and anxiety i guess. I have been having to confront my internalized ableism as i haven’t been this sick in awhile, and the older i get the slightly more self aware i’m becoming. I realize how visibly ill i am. and it’s been difficult to bring that around other people because i feel so much shame being as.. out of whack… as i am. i wish i could hold it in but i just can’t mask anymore. i got so burnt out and i’m so sick.

ugh. i don’t know how i’m gonna get past this. i know something obviously needs to change. clearly i need some kind of help but i’m scared to get vulnerable with more mental health professionals. i’ve had some bad experiences in recent history that really messed up my relationship with therapy and treatment. i’ve developed trust issues that i know i’m going to have to get over but they are very real. my last therapist made me feel worse at every session but i kept seeing her because i was convinced it was a me problem, because i have a really difficult time opening up to people already. we didn’t click but i saw her for like two years because i thought i just needed to warm up to her because i already have trouble trusting anybody. and now i’m all screwed up cuz we had so many bad sessions i can barley remember what it’s like to have a good therapy session and when i reflect on all the years i’ve been in therapy and i’ve only really connected with one therapist out of idek what feels like countless therapists i’ve tried. It’s so hard to find someone i feel i can be open with.

idek. i feel stuck

#processing

[stonerlonergrl]

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here w updates on life.

Tbh, I’ve been trying to stay off socials more often. I am also choosing to be a bit more private about my life on the internet. Now that I’m getting older i feel like having a more private life creates more peace. You can’t really trust everyone to be have good intentions and be genuine. So that’s why I choose to stay to myself most of the time nowadays. I really am too old for the BS.

However, I do feel like I have accomplished a lot the past year. 2022 was really a growth year for me. I was able to stop drinking. That’s def one of my biggest accomplishments, but there’s more!

I also got so much done in my current career field. I am now working in the law field (personal injury to be specific). It’s been amazing to say the least. I feel like I have a lot of opportunities here. It’s a great career to get my life put together. I definitely see myself working in this field for the next few years, but this is just the beginning of a new chapter in my life. There’s def wayyyy more chapters to come!

I stopped going to school to just focus on getting experience in the PI world. Now that things have been looking very good I am considering going back to (FINALLY) finish my degree. I will now be going back to school as an investment. In my current job field it is rewarded to be educated. Now I don’t feel like I’m wasting my time +money on school, which really really sucks when you’re down bad and BROKE. School was not helping me at all financially and mentally all of my 20s.

Working in PI law really has motivated me so much to learn and perfect my work. It’s a very interesting job and very rewarding when you work smart! Recently I have been promoted to work two different departments (Medical records > Property damage) before I can be considered to do what I am aiming to do in the long-term, which is case management.

Excited for 2023. I feel like I will be growing so much more this year than ever before! I feel like this year I will be able to completely heal from a lot of the traumas that hunted me during my 20s. I am ready to end all the mental suffering, and start this new chapter with a completely clean slate. I’m finally becoming my higher self. Been waiting for this moment for years. I finally know what peace feels like. Haven’t had this feeling since I was a child. To be able to provide safety and peace to myself is an amazing feeling.

#personal

[grahamstoney]

How To Be A Successful Loser

New Post has been published on https://grahamstoney.com/life-coaching/how-successful-loser

How To Be A Successful Loser

I have a recently-ex friend of mine who really gives me the shits. Let’s call him “Garry”… because that’s his name. Garry is what I call a “successful loser”. He worked hard, became successful and made a lot of money; but then threw his success away because he was unhappy. Ever since I’ve know him, he’s been at a bit of a loose end trying to sort out what to do with his life. Restless and unhappy, he spends much of his time spreading his misery and unhappiness to others. But this morning thinking about Garry inadvertently led to the epiphany which I am convinced is going to change my life.

Garry reminds me of George Costanza from Seinfeld

Garry complains about everything, but doesn’t create anything himself or contribute much to other people. His presence may be welcome at first, but after a while becomes irritating. Garry is defensive and judgemental. He cracks jokes that are only amusing to himself, and uses humour as a way of avoiding his painful feelings. Garry considers other people’s emotions to be “self-indulgent” and actively avoids dealing with his own emotional upsets by projecting them onto someone else. He criticises other people who delve deep into their emotional pain in order to heal it, while he wallows in the shallow end of his own misery, never really getting to the root cause of his emotional problems. As a result, he never really heals his own pain. He doesn’t listen, especially when confronted by reality. Instead, he says “No no no!” when faced with the truth and stays stuck in victim mode unable to move forward. He is chock full of limiting beliefs and will actively argue for their validity when challenged. He’ll even encourage you to take them on too, and criticise you when you don’t adopt his own cynical beliefs and negative world view. He has a misplaced sense of entitlement where he acts as if the world owes him somehow, yet doesn’t seem to believe that he deserves to be happy. He makes a half-hearted effort at everything in life which pretty much guarantees that he won’t be successful at anything, then blames other people for his own failings. He’s fundamentally ungrateful and untrusting. He’s done just about all the personal development program and read almost every self-help book on the planet, yet hasn’t learned a damn thing because he never puts what he learns into action. Instead, he has come to the conclusion that none of it works. He hasn’t read my book on confidence for men which would definitely change his life, because he knows that if he did, he would end up being accountable for putting what it says into action because he knows the author. Plus he’s a cheapskate and doesn’t want to fork out the lousy $27 bucks for it. Garry hates taking risks, and only ever takes action when he knows it has a guaranteed positive outcome; which in real life means almost never. Instead of taking responsibility for dealing with his issues, he just goes around broadcasting misery to other people.

(That’s what my ex-flatmate Paul used to call a “free character assessment”)

The truth is that Garry is so annoying precisely because he reminds me of the part of myself that does all these things too. It’s not just about Garry; it’s about me.

Garry reminds me of George Castansa from Seinfeld; only not so funny. This morning I remembered that episode where George realises that since he’s a complete loser, he should always do the opposite of his normal inclinations. As a result, he stumbles on unexpected success all over the place. If Garry’s life choices have led him to so much misery, the obvious answer is to do a George.

This led to a major epiphany where I discovered the question by which I’m going to lead the rest of my life:

What would Garry do?

Just ask this question in any circumstance where I have a choice to make, and then do the opposite. Byron Katie came up with four questions that changed her life, but I reckon I’ve refined it down to just this one. I don’t think it even requires much conscious choice to do the opposite to be honest; just asking the question itself is probably enough:

When the going gets tough, what would Garry do? He’d give up.

When things aren’t going my way, what would Garry do? Blame other people.

When the girls I like don’t seem to like me, what would Garry do? Whine and complain.

I stuck this note on my fridge to remind me.

Next time I decide life is all too hard and I want to give up on my dreams, go look at porn, declare everything hopeless, renege on some promise I’ve made to myself, quit before I’ve even started a new project, or give up on it before giving it a decent chance at success, I’ll just remind myself:

That’s what Garry would do!

Now I know all this sounds pretty harsh, and would probably hurt Garry’s feelings a lot if he were to read this. After all, deep down he’s a sensitive soul like me. But I don’t care. No more Mr Nice Guy for me. The guy needs a shake-up anyway.

I don’t want people like Garry in my life any more. I have enough irritation, cynicism, resentment and resignation in my own head thanks very much, I don’t need an added dose from anyone else.

From now on, I’ll be listening to that voice in my head called Garry… and doing the opposite.

#failure #Garry #success #Life Coaching

[lets-talk-spirituality]

HI, Hope you're doing good. I just came across your blog yesterday and I loved it, a lot 💖 I am here for the spirits messages for me. My initials are SN, my sun sign is Gemini ♊️ and my question is... I want to take a big leap in my career to become a singer/dancer. I am a little bit nervous as should I pursue this passion of mine or not... Should I start honining my skills now or should I not pursue this career 🤔

Thank you once again for doing this 🙏

Have a good day 😊

Thank you once again

Hello sweet Gemini baby :) Hope you had a nice birthday recently. I’m a Gem too.

♊️👯‍♀️♊️👯‍♀️♊️👯‍♀️♊️👯‍♀️♊️👯‍♀️♊️👯‍♀️♊️👯‍♀️♊️👯‍♀️♊️

I’m struggling to express what I’m trying to say and I’m wondering if you struggle with self expression as well, not through arts but through general communication. Saying your needs and your thoughts or if you struggle to speak up because you’re concerned about how other people may react. Normally I can type out stuff easily but it’s like finding the words was hard for this. Basically I’ve been trying to write out that I think you can love singing and dance and work on those skills, put energy into it, but it doesn’t also have to be your career. In fact, I wonder if making it the thing you rely on for money would actually make you like it less.

Spirit, anything else you want to communicate through me?

You sing and dance to maintain and elevate your vibration, that’s why you enjoy them, it puts you into a flow state with the universe. You should always pursue that which makes you feel happier, lighter and more at peace. Is this how you feel from these things? Is the way you’re pursuing them now a way that makes you happy or does it feel stressful? Most importantly, the things you love should contribute to your overall joy and allow you to play more. If turning this into a career will dampen the joy you feel, maybe it’s better to protect your love for it and keep it away from the rigors of what it means for it to be a career. That doesn’t mean don’t share your art, it means be intentional with how and who you share it with and how you go about expressing yourself. It’s a beautiful and powerful gift to be creative and to bring into material form various frequencies we experience. When you pursue from a place of love and joy, you beget more joy. If you pursue these things from a place of needing something like money or success or acclaim it will poison your love for the activity. That’s what we mean by protect what you love.

Card Pull

Work Your Light Oracle

As I’m shuffling the cards I’m getting this message of take the leap, take the risk in pursuing what you love. Pursuing love can only lead to more wisdom. Whether or not it can sustain your financial requirements shouldn’t stop you from pursuing it, but it’s important not to let the financial part of it dampen your love.

Star Mother— how can you mother yourself?

This card just flew right out, smoothly. You must be a graceful dancer. Oooo immediately I’m wondering if maybe your mother isn’t encouraging of your dreams or she is pushing you to be more practical? Is there pain with your mother around these passions. I’m also feeling that maybe some element of your mother daughter relationship could be good inspiration for your creative pursuits and may be a cool way to heal and work through any issues around your relationship to your mother. I’m also feeling this card is saying that you need to take on certain things for yourself now, like you can’t expect your mother to still be doing certain things. I’m getting this mostly around like emotions, like you’re in charge of regulating your emotions and in charge of your own schedule. So I’m feeling this is also saying mother yourself in that way.

I hope this helps clear some stuff up! It’s really important that you don’t conflate passion and love for an activity with doing that thing for a living. They are two different things and sometimes you can do what you love for a living but it comes with sacrifices, which may be your love of the activity. Would love to know how this connects.

#channeled message #career reading #arts reading