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highladyelenna · 3 days

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Wow, okay. So i didn’t think I needed to clarify that this post:

was indeed a shit post and a fucking joke.

But, some people decided to take jokes and treat them seriously so I guess let me defend myself??

I said that this scene was important for Feyre not because of ANYTHING that had to do with Rhys. This scene was important to Feyre because she needed to learn how to rely on herself. She was used to relying on Tamlin or Rhysand in her new life. So much so that she forgot she relied on herself and her instincts most of her life. Feyre wanted to be apart of the war coming. She wanted to help. So she needed to learn how to be collected and calm and rely on herself in order to survive. In war it’s messy. It’s dangerous. You are risking your life every second. Every choice you make risks your life. Now, was this scene dangerous? Yes. Could Rhys have taught her this an easier way? Yes. BUT you need to remember that this scene was in order to prepare to go steal the Book from Tarquin. Would that be an easier situation to be in? No. Would it be less dangerous? No. So, as much as I felt for Feyre. As much as I wish Rhys did it differently, I understand why. He didn’t do it to “prove her love” the ring just happened to be there. And, let’s not forget that Rhys was there the WHOLE time. Do you really think that he’d just let her die? He would’ve stepped in if she needed but he can’t coddle her. She needed to learn to stand on her own two feet.

This post really had nothing to do with Tamlin. Quite literally NOTHING. So bringing him up to start an argument is just kinda wild. But this brings to their next comment.

The countless innocents that you are referring to..I assume is under the mountain? Which..is no one’s fault but Amaranthas?

Rhysand UTM was terrible. He was cruel. He was a monster. Because he HAD to be. He had to play his part to free Pyrithan. He is a morally grey character and they do things that most people don’t agree with that’s the whole point.

The kiss scene was not okay. It was assault and that’s that. Doesn’t matter if it was just a kiss. He had a reason for doing it but again it was assault point blank. I have never stated in any of my posts that I condone him forcefully kissing Feyre no matter his intentions. Even though Feyre understood why it was uncomfortable to read and SJM should’ve written something-anything else.

I’ve stated my opinion on the pregnancy situations many times. But basically, I think the whole situation was utter bullshit and SJM using Feyres pregnancy to give Nesta a redemption arc was bullshit.

Rhys not telling Feyre about the pregnancy and trying to find a way to fix the situation wasn’t okay. Madja should’ve told her. Rhys should’ve told her. Everyone should’ve told her. I really wish we got the pregnancy from their povs just to get into their heads and thought processes.

“Bullied Feyre into being the perfect little wife” im sorry but i think you got Rhys and Tamlin mixed up on that one 😉

“locked nesta in a tower because she didn’t ‘behave properly’” right because Nesta couldn’t ever leave the HoW and no i’m not talking about the stupid steps. All she needed to do was ask one of them to fly her down and then she’d be able to leave. and yes because Nesta was totally not killing herself by drinking and starving herself for a year, no they totally locked her up bc she wouldn’t listen to Rhys. Right in the dot with that one. Really got me.

Personally Silver Flames was a mess and I hated everyone’s actions in that book and wish SJM didn’t even write it at that point because it’s so bad.

Anyways, the difference between you and I is that I can admit that I don’t agree with every action Rhysand makes. I can admit that I don’t agree with the things that he’s done, while also appreciating the food that he’s done. The good in him. The way he’s become a better version of himself over the books.

Now, I’m not really going to make this post about Tamlin because my original post wasn’t about him but I will say Tamlin was never and will ever be the better choice FOR FEYRE.

So, can y’all please stop turning every light hearted post and joke into a fucking war in the comments? Like please. It’s really stupid and you can go rant and rave on your own blogs and in your own tags but leave ours alone. I don’t really delete comments bc Express your opinions on posts that warrant it for all I care but really? Turning a joke into this is just crazy.

This fandom has gotten so crazy over the years and Im really over it like ugh.

Anyways: rant over. Sorry for the long post.

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snekdood · 1 year

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probably my greatest strength is getting out of suicidal episodes by myself.

#however it makes me resent humans as you can see #i think id rather resent humans though than to needlessly punish myself just bc other ppl dont like me #whether for reasons i just dont understand. some dumb thing i said once or bc they believe bs ppl say about me #like theres no reason i have to punish myself for that. for yall like that. fuck you.#like for some of you. ill never be goodor woke enough. even if all the bs ppl make up about me is proven false. even if i clarify #what i meant when i said whatever thing bc im bad at communicating my thoughts through text. even if i became jesus fuckin christ #yall would probably still just hate me for no fucking reason. theres no way i could be good enough or perfect enough or anything #theres no way i can change and modify my behavior and stand on my head that will satisfy you.#and with that in mind. why should i give a fuck about trying? who tf are you to assert that i need to change myself for you #some random fucking person online.#get fucked #you do not know me.#i will never be the thing you want me to be #i will never be the perfect version of me that you want me to be #im going to become the better version of myself that i think i can be and should be #but im not going to turn into the better version of myself that YOUUUU think i should be.#especially since yall dont even give me an alternative. you tell me not to do things and im left to just sit perfectly still #god forbid i move a muscle. thats the better version of me to you. motionless and mute.#and if thats what you believe i hope you shove a jar up your ass and it pops inside you.#im going to be my loud ass bat self and theres nothing you can do about it unless you wanna try to actually fucking kill me.#step up or shut up.

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epiicaricacy-arts · 5 months

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oh we’re still so young, desperate for attention

this was super experimental so i will talk about my process (+ clearer version) under the cut

i’ve been looking at a lot of “messier” or more textured painting styles recently and an artist that stuck out to me is clariondeluna ! they posted a self-portrait recently that i really liked and i was super interested in the brushwork seen in their work. i love all the textures and how the shapes feel so loose yet everything is so detailed.

that’s not a method for me at all!!!! i cannot paint like that at all and the stuff i like to paint is very different to theirs. which is okay!!!! i had no intention to copy this artists style so closely like with what i tried to do in my raiden painting, i just wanted to try this style out :^)

it’s been a goal of mine to avoid over-rendering like i tend to do a lot, and i think i’ve been doing good with that recently! the mindset i’ve got going on right now is that if i find myself staring at it too hard for too long, i have to leave it and move on. if there’s still something wrong with it, i can fix it later once ive got a fresh view!

i’ve been trying a lot of things with my art this year. i always try to challenge myself with each piece, and to end the year off i wanted to be as uncomfortable as i possibly could be with this painting. i let myself draw whatever i wanted because i still wanted to enjoy it, but everything i did in this process was new, including parts of the subject matter.

i’ve never drawn a head at an angle like this, and i struggle with drawing mouths open. i don’t do bold lighting like this, and if i do, it’s not fire. i’ve never drawn fire! i also rarely work with warm colours and i hate using green, so i combined those to be my colour palette. i like working cleanly so instead of having a dozen different layers for one section, each section only had 1-2 layers for rendering. instead of clipping masks i would simply paint over things loosely and clean it up later. i never like having limbs cut off in a drawing so i had his other arm go GOD knows where. i don’t like weird patterned backgrounds so i made myself figure out how to like it!

IS THIS MY FAVOURITE PIECE OF ALL TIME. no. absolutely not. but i’m very proud of how this came out with all the challenges i put on myself. i WANTED to get better at these things and be more broad with my art, both in terms of the styles and subjects i portray.

okay let’s talk about wtf this drawing is

for those who don’t know, the design in this painting is my fatui/“Father” lyney fan design (read the design post here). the concept isnt super complicated and i don’t really have much explanation for it, but i wanted to combine the story of how lyney wanted a delusion before getting his vision, fire eating circus acts and how olympic medalists will bite their medal to prove it’s real??? don’t quote me on that i’m like 75% sure that’s a thing that happens. i don’t watch sports though so im just believing someone i heard on the internet ages ago.

anyways. i think fire eating acts are cool. and i think the fact that lyney wanted a delusion is very interesting to me. scratches my brain in the right places. and yk as a magician lyneys character revolves a lot around fooling people and creating illusions so i guess what im saying here is that lyney is trying to prove to himself that this power he’s been bestowed is real. bc his whole life his only constant has been lynette so he is trying to see if he can trust this new power. cause i guess this is an alternate universe where lyney does eventually become “Father” but he never got his vision ??? idk im not making lore for this i just wanted to dress up this funny little guy.

ok i’m done

thanks for reading

here’s my dog

#my art #fanart #genshin impact #genshin fanart #lyney #genshin lyney #lyney fanart #digital art #artists on tumblr #artists of tumblr

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flowerflowerflo · 4 months

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heyy <3 ok so this is something ive been struggling with for years. like i wake up some days and just feel Eugh way more than id like to. a few things that help me in these situations ~

୨🌸୧ feeling uncomfy with urself & uncomfy in ur own skin

🌸 be gentle with yourself pleasepleaseplease its ok to have bad days its ok to not feel great every day. treat yourself as you would someone you love 🫶

🌸 i know its often told not to go looking at people who are ahead of you in these times but hear me out, i think looking at and observing people you admire who are further ahead of you is very motivating to build yourself up and *become more like them* in your own way. you look up to them because of ___? what can you do to become your own version of that? thinking like this gets me more inspired to just get out of bed because i want to be more like them.

two words for this one - NO. COMPARISON. gaining inspiration from others to better yourself and comparing yourself to others are two completely different things. 🫶

🌸 journal and think and think to urself why u might feel like this or what caused this. when did it start? has anything happened lately that may have caused this? how does it feel, in depth? what can you do to combat this? how can you make it through the day & make it so you do even better tomorrow?

🌸 back to my point on our idols, thinking like them & thinking what they'd do in this situation helps me a lot. personally one of my idols is coco chanel so whenever im really tired and unmotivated or insecure on my abilities or appearance or anything else i think to myself "what would she do?" and 9 times out of 10 im up at my desk in my cutest outfit hard at work. this is def one of my favourite points and something i use on the daily for like literally everything and 100% recommend 💕

🌸 similarly, ask urself what the best version of yourself or the version of urself youre working towards would do in this situation. be your own inspiration. would they stay in bed and rot all day? if the answer is no then ur up. out. immediately. ask urself what they would do. if ur feeling drained, would they take a day off to do some self care and recharge? if ur feeling sad, would they be gentle with themselves and let themselves feel sad for a little while & try to work to the root of the problem?

🌸 make a list of the things that make you the happiest and most comfortable & productive and the things that make you the unhappiest and the opposite of those things. figuring out these will help you find out which negative behaviours or habits are lowering ur vibrations and making u feel like this, and help u to engage more in the things that make you happy with yourself and everything around you 💖

remember that these things are temporary and it wont be like this forever. ur beautiful and perfect no matter what and in these times u gotta show up for yourself even more and never give up! i believe in u 🫶🩷

#girl blog #finally made it out of my drafts!!!#wonyoungism #it girl #self concept #thewizardliz #self care #pink pilates princess #glow up era #that girl #girblogging #this is a girlblog #!!! <3

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sporesgalaxy · 4 months

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I know this is something u were probably asked before but as the guy that has a good relationship with art....how do you do that??? I mean I get that this question is vague but how do you not care if it looks bad? Do you just?? Keep on going till it looks like you want it to look? Despite the agonies? You seem like you enjoy talking abt this thats why im asking, dont feel the need to answer if u dont wanna

hmmmm. You know, I don't think about the agonies much these days. But it's not that I don't care. I guess I've become a freak who sees beauty in the agonies, sorta? It's kind of complicated! I will do my best to explain!

First of all, I know that I have the unfair advantage of having no ambition. I don't have a goal for my art besides making art when I feel like it. That makes it easy to be less judgemental-- I remember having a rockier relationship to my own art during the time when I thought I would make it my career.

This is why I like talking about my perspective, though!! I think it's important to try not to let yourself be consumed by self-criticism as an artist, even if self-criticism is necessary for you, and hopefully my carefree way of looking at things can help balance things out haha.

Anyways, ambition or not-- and I know how this sounds but bear with me-- art doesn't ever look bad.

(Barring ethically harmful art, ugh, I don't want to get into ethics so just-- surely you know what I mean!!!)

Art gets a lot less stressful if you can tell yourself that no art is bad, and remember the reasoning behind that until you really believe it. It isn't a fast process, but it's very worth the work.

The truth is that art either looks how you want it to look, or it looks different from the way you want it to look, but both are ultimately neutral. You CAN make art that looks different from what you wanted, that you still feel pleased with.

When art looks different from how you wanted, the gut reaction you have is often to call it bad or get frustrated. And of course it's frustrating! Maybe you feel it's not as effective at communicating something as you'd hoped, or you feel it's not as visually impactful as you imagined...but it's important to remember those things are only your perception. Not an objective fact. And art is a two-way street! A communication between creator and observer! And communication is really weird and complicated.

•••

Other people's perception of your work won't ever be exactly the same as yours. Sometimes this is desireable and sometimes it isn't! Maybe your art will communicate the thing better to someone than anything they've ever seen-- even if a more effective version could theoretically exist, the "imperfect" version that actually exists and communicates is all that matters to the observer. Or, maybe a feature that turned out exactly how you wanted it to will fly completely over an observer's head, and not have the effect you wanted at all. A lot of the time, you'll never even know.

An artist can NEVER fully control an observer's perspective, so at a certain point you have to live with what you have. You already do this, to some degree, if you have ever EVER decided to stop working on a piece of art and share it. You can always keep adding to something. You can always keep editing. But sometimes, you stop. And perfection doesn't exist, so when you stop it must be because the art is good enough for now. And nothing about "good enough" is objective!

And is that really so bad? Surely people who grow fruit understand that a fruit which is smaller than they imagined can still feed somebody-- that at the very least it will feed bugs and microorganisms and be useful as fertilizer to grow more apples. Your art still means something, still accomplishes something, is still worth making whether it turns out how you imagined or not.

A lot of art is learning when to quit and move on. As a habitual perfectionist, this was something I had to learn early, to stop myself from erasing holes into every piece of paper I drew on.

There's this rule I was taught in middle school drama class: if you fuck up, act like you didn't fuck up. The audience doesn't have your script memorized, so odds are they won't have any idea you fucked up unless you tell them. Other art works the same way. No one knows what you wanted to make but you. And more importantly, a "perfect" version of your art doesn't exist (no "perfect" version of anyone's art exists, or ever will).

The version you made exists, so you have to find what's worth loving about that version. You have found what's worth loving in the imperfect art of others many times. Many observers will treat your art the same way you treat others' art. Why not treat your own art that way, too?

It sounds really REALLY corny, but I try not to think of this as embracing "mistakes." I think of it as celebrating coincidences.

I really really like coincidences. I like that every circumstance wasn't guaranteed to happen, that everything comes down to chance. I think all the little random things are beautiful because they turned out however they did, and not any of the millions of other ways things might have turned out. It's a coincidence that my genes expressed the way they did. It's a coincidence that my parents met in college. It's a coincidence that my oldest friend and I both got to middle school early every day, and stayed close even when we didn't share any classes.

Art is full of coincidences! I try to draw a straight line. The line does not turn out straight, because of the way my hand is shaped and the way my muscles contracted, because my body is not exactly like anyone else's in the world. No one else would have drawn that slightly not-straight line just exactly how I did. It's mine, and it's crookedness is what makes my art mine. Okay, maybe it's a little too crooked for what I want this time-- I'll erase it and draw a new crooked line at a bit of a different angle. There we go, I like that! Now it's my beautiful, irreplaceable crooked line! And the ghost of its predecessor guides the eye just so, and no one else's two crooked lines would guide your eye the same way, only mine! Isn't that nice on its own? Just to have made something that can't ever be replicated? To have made something no one else has ever made before?

You can also apply this in a bit less dreamy and more practical ways, I promise haha.

For example...I've never been a canvas flipper, as a digital character artist. I don't mirror my canvases to see if they still look preportional to me from either direction. I also don't usually draw visual novel character sprites that need to look good mirrored in either direction to serve their function, so it's never been a practical concern of mine.

I consider many kinds of distortion on a character I've drawn to be a good part of the visual flow of the image. Like a smear frame in animation, distoriton in the right places can make character art look dynamic and energized because it can lead the eye through a certain visual flow over the form of the character. If I were to flip the canvas, that eye-leading effect might hit differently because my American eye is used to reading from left to right-- perhaps it doesn't feel as "smooth" going in the opposite direction. This doesn't mean I need to change the distortion necessarily, it just means I prefer not to flip the canvas.

Often, these distortions aren't intentional. They're a coincidence of how my muscles move as I draw, and the areas my left-to-right American eyeballs instinctively pay more attention to. But the effect is still desireable to me. So, happy coincidence!

I think...that's the best I've got for now? Feel free to ask for clarification. I hope it's not total nonsense!

#asks #art tips

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wildglitch · 4 months

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Spider-man x Batfam Prompt's

Ok so lately I have seen a lot of "Spidy goes to gotham and gets adopted fics" probably cause of Dark Matter by mysterycyclone cause like, duh, that fic is a goddamn masterpiece. But I feel like a lot of them are sort of the same thing with diffrent fonts ans it feels a bit saturated. Not all of them...but most of them.

Am I saying that there needs to be less of these fics? Hell no! Keep writing them please. I just feel like there could be more variety is all.

I suggest maybe try one of these ideas out

1: Peter going straight to the Batfam or other heros (dosent always have to be Batfam) and they try to work together on how to get him home, while slowly realizing "omg, your life is terrible! We want to help you, we do, but maybe we shouldnt and try to give you a better life here. Then its just a moral delema on what to do as they get to know the spider child.

2: maybe another Spider-man is the one that goes to Hotham like Andrew or Toby. Insted of being sent home at the end of NWH, they where accidentally sent to the DCU. Or maybe one of the Spider verse characters or a cartoon version of the character. Dosent always need to be Toms Spider-man.

3: on that same note. Please give more love to What If...Zombies Peter. You guys have no Idea the amount of angst and "haha, my world ended and im fine" potental there is. And you can have the other surviving member also be there as they look for eachother (characters that "survived* (no one survived that episode) are Peter, King T'challa, Scott Lang+cape, and Ig Bruce Baner/Hulk, and Bucky Barnes since we never saw them get turned or eaten) just think about Spidey and the Batfam investigating a lab or sometbing and all of a sudden they find floating head Scott in a crate. Everyone if scared shitless while Peter is crying tires of joy as he moves to hug the floating head. Think about that and tell me Im not on to something here.

4: Have the fic start our like halfway through. Maybe skip him getting to Gotham and have him be there for a few months already or something. This will help with adding more crack fics.

5: Maybe have the fic be that Peter is there for a while, he knows everyone, they know him, they might or might not know the identitys but they trust eachother. And Peter has been looking for a way home and he finally finds it! But... he accidentally brings some of the Batfam with him. So now its the Batfams turn to learn to live in the MCU with help of Spidy and they finally understand so much about him, how he lived, and vigilanties he knows (team red!) As they learn the history and pubilc opinion or Spider-man and the world.

6: Just a react to fic. Yk, those fics where they're stuffed in a room and forced to watch something? Yeah. Have the Dark Matter cast stuffed in a room and watch some MCU clips. It dosent even have to be some magic forth wall bull shit if you dont like that. In chapter 44, Peter and co. are said to be going back to the cave, and Peter still have is suit. Canonically, Karen records everything. Maybe Peter ends up so tired he dosent even want to try to explain everything. So he just hooks up Karen to the computer and and has her show them everything from the suits recordings to security cameras and news reports, to the memes and videos spiderman fans have made.

7: have the Justice League get involed cause "Hes to bright to be one of yours Bruce!" And have him be a honorary member of the league of have them put him on Young Justice. Peter gets adopted by Batfam? Yes. Peter becomeing Bffs with the Young Justice kids and actually forming normal relationships with kids his age? Also yes.

Do I have more? Probably but Im too lazy for it rn

If you for some reason use one of my ideas, pls tag me and maybe credit me for the original idea (but I mostly want to be able to find the fic if you do make it ( o_o) )

Who knows, I might just write some of these myself if I ever get the motivation lol

#writing prompt #fanfic writers #fanfic #spider man #batfam #marvel mcu #mcu #dcu #dc universe #peter parker #dark matter #crossover #crossover fic #fic ideas #please #I have had some on these ideas in my head for so long now TvT #send asks

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samijey · 3 months

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broke my promise to myself and actually watched the jey/gunther match and let me tell you... whoever booked that finish wanted jey to look like an idiot. mega rant under the cut which you should honestly read im not your mama but you should read it

he splashes gunther after getting dominated for 80% of the match and an (honestly underwhelming) spear and we're meant to believe the +2yr champion who's beaten virtually everyone on the roster (including drew who recently beat jey TWICE) was about to be defeated right there?......okay............ but it gets worse

when the referee (for no real good reason) stops the count at 2 after jimmy rings the bell, jey "forgets" about gunther and turns his back to him, allowing gunther to get back up almost IMMEDIATELY (remember we were meant to think he was about to be beaten 5 seconds earlier) yet jey quickly superkicks him BUT THEN decides to dive at jimmy on the outside instead of going directly for another splash (girl help) so ofc when he does go for the splash, gunther gets the knees up, and to add a cherry on top of this shit sunday, pins jey right there after performing no extra offense - doesn't even roll him up, jey just lies there flat on his back and gets pinned (while michael cole screams "GUNTHER ROLLS UP JEY USO" to make me even more mad, apparently, as zero actual rolling takes place in the ring - just a leg hook & weight on the shoulders combo... and not a particularly vicious one either) I just ??????

and of-fucking-course as the TV feed gets cut, cue cody and punk who come out all smiles ready to do the usual fanservice routine for the live crowd and suddenly jey is mostly done selling what just happened and is smiling along with whatever you wanna call it - sending the crowd home happy?? since when did that become mandatory for broadcast shows??? why can't emotionally devastating moments count just as much when it comes to delivering a satisfying ending to the live crowd??? are you telling me they couldnt have had jey walk to the back WHILE SELLING the heartbreak/frustration of what happened and THEN send cody out to do the fanservice thing??? fuck maintaining suspension of disbelief I guess - you can't even argue that "it's fine it was just a treat for the live crowd" because WWE has posted the footage everywhere and promoted it heavily.

imagine if after the camera stopped rolling at last year's rumble, sami had got up, undone kevin's handcuffs and they both hugged and cut a cheerful promo at the crowd - everyone would've blasted wwe for undermining the impact of that finish and not letting the moment breathe.

here's another, even more similar example - remember what happened after summerslam when jimmy attacked jey? he sold the devastation of the moment all the way until he exited the arena, so why is this any different? because it's "just" TV and not a PPV? nah, i'll tell you why: because wwe does not give a shit about this current version of jey's character - he's there to spew the same catchphrase 100x an hour (because it sells merch and pops the crowd let's be honest), display a grand total of two personality traits, and rub his popularity off onto the people wwe actually consider stars

for comparison - you cannot tell me that if it was cody in this position (just lost an important match thanks to the most important person in his life + got attacked by them on top of it) wwe wouldn't have had him look devastated or cut an emotional, tearful promo that would've then been posted and promoted everywhere

"chill, it's not that serious" my apologies for wanting something i love (and KNOW can be so much better with minimal effort) to have a basic level of logic and thought put into it, it's not like wrestling booking is rocket science and we know wwe is NOT incapable of actually delivering good stuff 🤷??? the standards for this show are so damn low and seeing no one else be bothered by it does my fucking head in ouch ouch wheres the aspirin bye

#jey uso #wwe #the usos #jimmy uso #i fr wasnt gonna tag this at first #but fuck it i'm mad and yall will hear about it #if you consider yourself a jey fan in any way shape or form... i genuinely think you should read this

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zeephyre · 6 months

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CR3 EPISODE 78 SPOILERS

god. i love this fucking campaign. this one's gonna be long as shit.

despite how genuinely depressing this episode was, it also made me really giddy because i love hurt/comfort and there's no point of that if there's no hurt or angst.

im probably gonna go down the line with each member of bells hells, discussing what i can remember off the top of my head, i hope i don't forget anything in my rambles cause this was one of my FAVORITE episodes of the whole campaign and that's saying something.

i love ashton. i have loved ashton the most since the very beginning and for a lot of it i was really worried that ashton was deliberating running from opening up with bells hells while also going out of their way to have one-to-one convos with different members that were deep and insightful but never went as far as they needed to.

i am projecting a bit with analysis of ashton but taliesin does it best when rp'ing for ash and generally talking abt him in interviews. ashton reminds me of myself, which is not a compliment and is actually really terrible. ironically enough, ashton said the same thing abt fcg. i have spent a lot of time hurting myself by sabotaging the things i love, or embracing the worse parts of myself simply because it's become habit. there's always going to be a piece of you that finds the sadness, anger, guilt, emptiness, whatever -- comforting because it's all you've known.

ashton mourns a life that he never lived. i find myself mourning versions of myself that i would hate but still...yearn for them like an itch or an ache that comes from hurt. ashton wanted their family back, in whatever desperate, corrupted way he felt he should have done it, and hearing how he described feeling like he looked past the cautionary tale simply because he thought the pain they caused him should have meant something else made me think of imogen.

beautiful, sweet, powerful, dangerous, sad imogen temult. i won't comment on how everyone berated ashton because that's not really surprising nor was anything imogen said or did pertaining to ash shocking whatsoever. but... there's smth abt the destruction that ashton did to feel close to the idea of a family that doesn't really exist that just parallels so well with the fight that imogen has been undergoing since childhood. against the red storm, now against the call of ruidus, and the temptation and attachment she felt and still feels to her mother, despite everything liliana has done that jeopardizes everything imogen is fighting for.

abandoned by her mother, shunned by her own town, ignored and feared by her father.

going back to ashton again, there's smth to be said abt the guilt and shame that comes from making horrible choices that put yourself and the ppl you love in danger that forever changes the way they perceive you. I've done it. i had to fight to make things better. it can't be enough to love someone enough that would die for them, you have to fight to stay alive. if not even for yourself, for THEM.

i know it can be unhealthy to rely on others so much, but it's certainly not easy to fight for yourself when the foundation isn't there. learning how to love without throwing yourself on a blade is more important than self sufficiency. that comes afterwards.

i...don't like laudna's reliance on delilah briarwood this episode. i... there's smth very ironic about laudna being worried abt ashton's betrayal and the way he hurt her and the others with his deception and selfishness, coupled with my understanding of the absolute fucking insane, borderline stupid danger of even SPEAKING to delilah briarwood, let alone working WITH her.

i think it's hypocritical, but i don't feel any animosity towards laudna. just..sadness. delilah is a parasite. a disgusting, cruel, evil bitch who wants laudna to be... that weak little girl easily crushed under her thumb. she may preach abt laudna's latent power and potential, but laudna won't serve her purpose if she TRULY gains the strength to cast delilah aside forever. i don't think delilah was telling the truth abt their fates last episode, and that's why i so deeply want laudna to toss aside that defeatist mindset that has only gotten worse since episode one. maybe im wrong, maybe delilah was actually being genuine.

i kept watching imogens/laura's face during laudna's moments speaking with delilah alone, and it just made me sad because she didn't need to be alone. she had imogen, but she still felt the need to run and hide away. god i just want her to be happy.

i really liked the doll she made for ashton, even though delilah made it really creepy for no reason, the dramatic cunt she is. her assessment of ashton as being a child may seem rude or even a projection but to me it's the truth. ashton has not grown past his childhood. past abandonment and pain and mistrust and love that never lasts and always hurts. that shit followed them to adulthood and anyone who has any number of mental illnesses and childhood trauma will tell you that it's so easy to feel yourself stuck as a reactive, stubborn, bitter little kid trapped in a shitty cycle of pain. both ashton and laudna this episode felt like they were both broken, sad children interacting. laudna clinging to comfort from delilah, hiding away, mentally reverting to the person she was the last time she was in whitestone. ashton, clinging to his lost childhood and the acceptance of laudna's doll, the admittance that they'd never had a doll before. god... they're so sad, im gonna scream.

fcg apologizing for forcing faith down ashtons throat was sweet and so was ashton apologizing for being so bitter abt fcg's faith. now i just need fcg to apologize for the multiple instances where he put laudna in danger by casting turn undead with no acknowledgement of laudna afterwards.

fcg saying that ashton didn't love anyone or care about anyone hurt me a bit, because while i understood why they were saying those things, it was so... obviously untrue. before all of this, ashton has shown again and again and again how much he loves bells hells, and especially fcg. i know that ashton almost dying over smth so arrogant, desperate and foolish would make anyone question what someone's idea of "love" is, but still. it stung. maybe because i have been there. i know what it's like to be doubted and mistrusted because you ruined smth good callously and carelessly.

chetney... chetney really loves fearne. i don't care if y'all don't get it or if y'all still think chet is some joke character with no substance, I never understood that shit and i simply never will. chet and fearne probably have the best relationship in all of bells' hells -- and yes, that includes imogen and laudna because god knows those two have shit brewing under the surface that needs to be HANDLED, i.e: laudna being defeatist abt their relationship even tho it's barely begun.

chetney's a good man. him going after fearne was the best choice and im glad he gave her a couple laughs before she went off to wander. he cares about her so much, and he BELIEVES in her so much, and i love them. i LOVED the way he went in on ashton. hurting fearne by making a shitty decision and letting her bear the burden of watching ashton die right in front of her was... bad. it is very complicated but, that's pretty cut and dry.

i like him testing ashton again and again. telling him to leave but also being glad they chose to be brave and stay, and face the consequences of their actions. attacking ashton to see what all of any of that shit was even for. (im a little bummed that the shard didn't fully wake up yet but...i love the suspense im just impatient).

FEARNE. CALLOWAY. i love fearne, and i love the breakdown during the first part of the episode. it was such a raw moment and it established the tone of the episode so quickly. im glad that fearne knows that while ashton fucked up royally, her rejecting of the shard and complacence in ashton's plans was also royally stupid. i don't think her being terrified of taking the shard is bad or stupid, it's actually one of my favorite fearne character choices. no one ever actually asked her WHY she didn't want it, and when she said she didn't want it, it was still decided by the hells that the shard would go to fearne. (they're very shit at communication, poor babies). im happy that she specifically clarified that ashton did not threaten or manipulate her (plus he gave her many opportunities to not be involved with his bullshit if it made her uncomfy so im hoping the insane critters who keep treating ashton like some evil, predatory person finally stfu).

fearne being so scared of a version of herself that was sad, lonely, and "evil" to the point that she chose to believe that it was ashton's destiny to take in both shards is so... so rich. i hope she talks about that more in the next episode because i don't think she's EVER brought it up since exu. i don't think the shard would change fearne's personality but god the fact that SHE is so afraid of herself and what she's capable of.... AHHHH. love this damn party.

i hope liam knows that expect really painful roleplaying from him when he comes back cause i really do need ashton and orym interactions like i need air.

the choice to go to the fey realm was brilliant and i missed nana morri so it's a win for me. bells hells COULD have done what they've been doing for a while now, which is ignoring the pain they're all feeling and pushing forward, but ashton doing what they did was the straw that broke the camel's back and im GLAD because i have been begging them all to have real conversations with each other that don't get cut short prematurely for whatever reason.

i do hope that they do really lean into the self care aspect involving therapy and talking through their issues with ALL of the members present or even in groups, and it isn't just fun and games. they're prone to distraction. i love my little guys.

:( two weeks without bells hells. is it thursday, yet???

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extrakatelyn · 28 days

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*extrakatelyn’s personal growth may challenge*

this month i’m going to be doing a challenge to create better habits for myself and to help me achieve my personal goals quicker. its going to consist of manifestation/affirming, healthier habits, productivity, building discipline for myself, and basically becoming a better version of me! ofc while staying true to who i am through and through.

drink more water

i recently got a stanley that has me drinking more water but i’m not very consistent w it so i would like to make it a habit everyday to drink more water out of it

start exercising more often

i am also not super consistent with working out or anything like that. i’m going to be paying for a gym membership myself so that will definitely have me working out on a consistent basis.

affirming & manifesting

i unfortunately do have a habit of being pessimistic and talking horrible so I’m taking the initiative this month to start talking more positive everyday. including affirming myself and manifesting the life that i truly deserve!

trying out new baking recipes

i always been into baking but i have gotten more into it recently so this may I’m looking forward to trying out some more recipes and really perfecting my craft.

becoming more disciplined

overall i need a reset in discipline. i used to have it but have lost it over time so I’m now gonna really work hard in this area because its gonna help me in all the other areas i want to improve really.

build my savings more

i think we allll have a habit of buying the things that we want even though we know we should be putting that money in our savings or taking out money in our savings to buy something we really want. this month I’m putting a complete stop to that and I’m going to budget my money accordingly bc one of the best things you can have is a financial backing for a rainy day.

start actually getting ready for the day

i will quite literally stay in bed for the whole entire day, so Im definitely changing that this month by trying to get up and get ready for the day. including doing my hair and my makeup. I’m too gorgeous to not showcase my beauty as often as i do.

journaling

i was consist with journaling everyday for about 2 months but i stopped in march and would def like to get back into it bc it helped me sm

[feel completely free to join in with me in this challenge and even add some things of your own! its totally customizable. I will be checking in on here periodically to tell you guys my progress as well as the things I've done to help me get to my goals]

xoxo

𝑒𝓍𝓉𝓇𝒶𝓀𝒶𝓉𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃💋

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chaseprice · 8 days

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hi!! hope i’m not a bother. i just came across u and i wanted to ask something,,,

basically, i joined the life is strange fandom in 2018 so i never got to experience the pre-bts era, meaning i didn’t get to experience what rachel was like to the fandom back then or see the different interpretations of her.

i did some digging and i found some fan content of her from 2015-2016 & i’m absolutely infatuated with all aspects of the fanon version of her, especially her personality & how she looked. i totally wanna embody her. also the love is strange vn was so interesting to play, i love how she was written. i’d love to know more!

i stumbled across ur blog while i was doing my digging and i saw an old long post of urs saying how bts didn’t live up to the fandoms expectations, as almost everyone perceived her differently.

sorry for all the yapping LOL but what i basically wanna ask is,,, how *exactly* did the fandom perceive rachel back then (2015-2016). what were some popular headcanons for her? things you guys even considered to be canon? what were some of your own *personal* headcanons? (can be silly, realistic,,, just anything you thought resonated with her)

do you have any favorite arts from that time period that you thought really captured her? what were your hopes for the prequel/rachels character before it was released? what did you want to see in terms of story? was rachel’s style, appearance, & personality extremely different than what you expected? what did you expect?

i assume that rachels treatment in the fandom was different then than what it is now. whether it’s better or worse, i’m not sure. i was hoping u could answer that too😞. recently i’ve just been seeing constant hatred or lack of care for her character so i’m starting to think that if bts was written differently and based on the fandom’s interpretations instead, the hate now wouldn’t be this bad.

from my digging it seems like you guys had alot of fun sculpting rachel’s character on your own, and the interpretations were probably more realistic than what decknine put together.

anyway i’m sorry for the yapping essay on this random saturday, most old lis accounts are dead & i didn’t know who else to ask☹️. just trying to relive what you guys experienced the best i can. hope i’m not bombarding you with this. thank you so much if u respond !!

hiii u def did not bother me, i am not in a position to answer all of these questions, but although it makes me feel ancient, it's cute to see so much passion for rachel and pre-BTS fandom opinion, so i'll try answer some and for the rest (art, hcs, etc.) im just gonna have to direct you to my archive* (will continue under the readmore)

*(tumblr archive is so broken on mobile so you gotta go on pc for this, but also there's so many gifs from that time so it will Definitely slow down your browser). i was insane and 17 years old so like, just excuse all of the cringe content i guess. you can click tag and filter it by either #lis #rachel amber #amberprice or whatever to try and find stuff like art. and i got into lis sept 2015 so that's like, as far back as it will go, but i was fully lisbrained from 2016 through 2018)

to be honest, in alignment with pre-bts thought lmao, rachel is whoever you want her to be. there was less of 'this is a correct objective fact about her personality/history' and more 'yeah, this is an idea the fandom really likes and has become fanon, most likely because it is a nuanced and entertaining and realistic interpretation of what we have seen of her character in lis1' which means people whose opinions conflicted with that might've be contested/laughed at/unpopular, but they weren't wrong per se. there were plenty of people i'd criticise (and ridicule) back then for implying that this teenage girl was evil, and being a teenager myself back then, i'd call them morally reprehensible and cancellable and whatever, but tbh, as an adult now, i can just see that it was simply a boring interpretation of her character informed by misogyny

i'd disagree with the notion that fandom treatment of rachel's character was better before bts, back then there were plenty of people seemingly excited to characterise her as emotionally manipulative, a cheater, deserved what she got, etc. as well, bc tbh, the story did leave room for that interpretation, but it left room for so much more as well. i feel like bts just really locked in on a certain story they wanted to tell plot-wise, and didn't choose to explore a lot of the questions fans had about rachel as a person. it's hard to turn the ambiguity of a friendship turned situationship over a period of 4 years into a playable experience for an audience - so they didn't. regardless, it got people thinking about rachel more, putting a spotlight on her, hence increased attention both positive and negative. i feel like there's just a fundamental difference between what lis1 fans enjoyed about the potential for her character and how she related with chloe and the world around her, and what deck9 wanted to portray in bts (yes they hit the astrological headcanons, the charmingness, her rebellion, the emotional conflicts... but it personally felt hollow, contrived sometimes, i suppose). but there were a lot of people who loved bts (i enjoyed a lot of parts of it!). just, in my opinion, some of those were quite different people from who loved lis1, and with that wave it brought a lot of emotional immaturity to the fandom (like... ship wars, really? that was an insane change to fandom dynamics for me lmao, but maybe i was just spoiled by surrounding myself with people whose takes i respected)

anyway i highly recommend also that if you're hungry for that kind of content, read fanfiction on AO3 by the old fans - by Mogatrat (TON of rachel centric ones there), explosionshark and tippytypewriter, chicknparm (though Cusp is written post-bts, it's informed by pre-bts characterisations), vicepoint (me hehe), def many more good ones out there those r jus my friends so they come to mind first, e.g. i liked homecoming by kriegersan back in the day, but you could def find some more by sorting the lis ao3 page by kudos and reading the older ones that are highly rated featuring rachel. and lastly, my gf wrote a beautifully worded blog post called "The Assassination of Rachel Amber by the Cowards Dontnod and Deck Nine" which gets into some of this from a media crit perspective (not about fandom) in a very eloquent way thru comparison w twin peaks and i highly recommend that

rachel hcs that def started way before bts: skater rachel, stoner rachel, punk music listener rachel (but also like, fleetwood mac cranberries cocteau twins grungy hippy stuff rachel too), rachel's parents being distant and still living in california, curvy thick rachel, things that i've accepted as canon but were def created by diff people: bri explosionshark hc'd that rachel paid for chloe's sleeve, mogatrat (i think) hc'd that rachel initially went to get her nips pierced with chloe (that's a longtime fan hc now idk who started that one) but chickened out at the last minute, i think she also hc'd that chloe made the earring for rachel which is cute too

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worflesbian · 1 year

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right okay i dont know exactly how persistent an issue this is bc i almost never go into the tags on this website, but even ive noticed this happening so i feel like that’s justification to make a post about it. the whitewashing of julian bashir as an established Thing not just in the fandom but in official merch has been discussed before, but recently i’ve noticed the inverse happening with martok and b’elanna, a white character and a lighter latina character who people seem to often draw darker than they are in canon. and there’s like. a Lot going on there to unpack.

so this video goes into some detail about the racism baked into the origins and design of the klingons in tos, it’s very informative about the anti-asian stereotypes especially in a 60s context but i feel like it doesnt really cover the way that antiblackness becomes a more significant factor in the next gen era so like. if you didn’t know, the majority of the klingon characters in the next gen-ds9-voyager era are either played by actors with dark skin or Very frequently by white actors in heavy dark makeup. if you look up the actors of grilka, alexander, kehleyr, and sirella for example you’ll see what im talking about like the difference is Stark and these are some of the main recurring klingons across both shows. hopefully i do not need to explain why packing white actors in brown makeup to play members of a species characterised as violent, warlike and animalistic is racist. i say hopefully bc who knows with this website. anyway i’d recommend this video for a wider context on the legacy of blackface in tv!

martok is a rare example of a klingon played by a white actor who, as far as i can tell, does not have his skin significantly darkened. so to see him frequently being drawn with darker skin is uh Slightly Concerning given everything in the previous paragraph! ive even seen art where he’s drawn darker than julian in the same post which... anyway im not trying to blanket condemn reinterpreting the design of alien characters in fanart, but i am asking white fans like myself in particular to think critically as to why, out of all the white characters and aliens on ds9, martok is the one you want to do that with.

because b’elanna is not a white character i think its a slightly different situation, but at the same time she does have lighter skin and i have seen fanart of her drawn much much darker and once again, im not condeming it especially in works ive seen which explore the relationship bewteen her latina and klingon identities, but its something white fans need to handle carefully. in the voyager episode Faces where she gets split into a human and klingon version of her (dont have time to unpack all that) you can see the difference in undertones between human b’elanna and klingon b’elanna (also included a pic of regular b’elanna for reference). the brown makeup is obvious here too and if you can see why it might be racist to attribute a person’s rage and violent impulses to a part of themself that is then personified as darker skinned/more brown, then you might also see some of the wider problems going on here and can understand that this is something that demands a lot of thought and consideration.

i’d like to reiterate that this is a very complex and nuanced issue, especially considering the intersection of fictional race within the setting and the racial biases operating behind the scenes/metatextually, and i’d love to discuss it more (and to cite better sources than youtube videos when i have the time). but for now i’d just like to say yeah just ask yourself what the implications might be to drawing these characters in particular darker than they are in canon, especially if theyre the only characters you do that for, or you’re intentionally contrasting them with other characters (e.g. b/7 fanart) or yk. drawing a white character darker than a character of colour like ive seen people do with julian and martok.

#disclaimer that i am a white european and if anything ive said here has been not my place to discuss i would be so grateful to be made aware #but like. i see a lot of this and while some of it is definitely like intentionally engaging with this aspect of the text conscientiously #a lot of it clearly comes from people thinking klingon = dark skin and not bothering to unpack Why thats been established #sorry anyway.#long post #star trek #tlhIngan #ghItlhpu'wIj

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drakiandh · 6 months

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@cosmicrain-draws @otherxagnela Remember that fusion idea? Im writing out the first chapter rn, and I'm making it a Steven Universe AU. I'm hopefully going to make it a 5 part thing, if I'm able to restrain myself. I'm planning for it to be separate from the shows plot. Here's the original AU idea below!

Scarab is called Painite in this AU. He was made by Pink Diamond as a War General during the Gem War in an attempt to keep up face. He's basically the same just with added loyalty to PD. I'm going to keep him on Earth, more on that later. He is very good at what he does, and I like to think his main power is that he's very very good at shifting his shape and becoming any gem as long as his own gem is covered. I'm saying he can change his red skin to yellow instead of it being red in the new form and can make a fake gem anywhere on his body. A kinda of spy ability, if you will. He doesn't use it often as shifting is exhausting outside of work (and he doesn't have a lot of practice with it as Amathyst does) so he mainly just sticks as a front-lines fighter (even though he's a general, he's fantastic at fighting, so he joins his fellow gems in the main fights instead of being on the sidelines). He has wings, absolutely he does. And his gem got cracked in the war, taking his ability to fly away, like Lapis. I like to think his weapon is like his canon Cyrstal device, as his gem weapon can change into anything he wants it to be. He mainly either keeps it as a spear, a scythe, or an axe. Mainly a scythe tho

Prismo is a bit of a mix for me, can't really decide what gem he should be. So far, I'm going to make him a sapphire. Specifically, a Star Saphire. He was a gift from Blue Diamond to Pink to help with her wartime planning and attacks as he is a lot better at seeing the outcomes of things than other sapphires. His power (other than the future vision thing which he doesn't use cuz it gives him a headache) would be similar to Time-Woods Sīdus. I like to think he can make things, like he can make anything using his gem as long as he either has the right raw materials (which can be anything) or enough energy. He can make everything, ranging from weapons, clothes, to anything you can think of. Even food, but he doesn't make that a lot cuz it grosses him out. At the start of his time with Pink, he acts exactly as he's made, scared that he'll be shattered since he's really the first of his kind. After some time, he and Pearl start talking about how great Pink is (Star wouldn't fawn over her, as he really has no loyalties to any of the Diamonds other than to himself) and he would eventually notices how unhappy she is. Cue them being attacked, and he learns that Pink is actually Rose Quartz. Instead of shattering him, she offers him freedom if he helps with the gem rebellion. He'd take it, hating the oppressing atmosphere of Homeworld, and become the Wishmaster amongst the gems. He'd get that title because he can make, as I said before, anything, and that includes a milder version of Rose's healing tears. Cracked gems would come to him to get healed, he'd help plan attacks on Homeworld forces, and he'd make anything they needed whenever things were going too fast for them. He earns his place in the Crystal Gems and becomes part of the main gang, always seen by Pearl and Rose. His gem weapon would be a similar thing in Seraphyllic, him making 2D versions of his hands and swinging them like a mad man. Painite would have one hell of a time trying to get a hit on Star.

After the war, Painite gets left behind and would survive the diamond blast by hiding deep under the crust of the earth. He would still get corrupted somewhat, which would give him his more buggy features. Star would survive because Rose would pull him under her shield as well and would start just wandering the Earth after all of it is said and done. They accidentally meet when Painite searches for a cure. Of course, Painite sees Star as a traitor and attacks, ending with Star poofing Painite, but not shattering him. Painite's crack wouldn't be healed by Star just yet, I want that to be an intimate moment. Painite would definitely glitch out because of the crack and turn more savage because of the corruption, temporarily losing his mind whenever he got too overwhelmed. Of course, Star is always there to calm him down.

I'm still finicky about the plot, but so far, I'm making Painite go around Earth during the peace and hunt down the other corrupted gems, think the diamonds would heal them once he'd get back to Homeworld. And Star would just be wandering around, exploring Earth and leaving his own little rsster eggs that Painite sees and is always confused about. Yes, Painite still thinks there are no other non corrupted gems on Earth.

Lemme know if you've got any of your own ideas and stuff. I went for a Steven Universe AU cuz I got absolutely stumped on how I could make their shadow versions fuse in a way we haven't seen already. Great work on that art btw, Rain!

#prohibitedwish #prismo the wishmaster #prohibited wish #prismo #scarab the god auditor #scarab fionna and cake #human scarab #the scarab #fionna and cake scarab #adventure time prismo #scarab x prismo #prismo x scarab #human prismo #kinda #they're not really human #steven universe au #imma call this au #Shifting Jewels AU

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ofmermaidstories · 8 months

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my drive to doodle has come back in full force so im entertaining myself by trying to make a faux-book cover for andypantsx3’s if i could keep cool. these are my mock-ups!!! there are several things i think of, immedately, when i think of iickc — the white tulips shouto gives y/n, in apology. the veggie-rich groceries he keeps hoisting on her, despite her complaints. the windex and the precious countertops y/n is always wiping down and lastly the notes dotted around shouto’s apartment—rude notes on leftovers from bakugou, or pouty notes from shouto himself, when y/n is resistant about his gift giving.

(i also think of y/n’s shouto-drenched twitter feed, which could lead to a fun mock-up of said twitter feed, and the title and andy’s handle worked in there somehow. it’d also be a great way to highlight the comedy and impending (social) doom in andy’s work—shirtless shouto memes, for example, retweeted thirst tweets, etc etc., just things that’d look absolutely mortifying once found by the media/shouto himself LOL. i think if i had a better set-up and more like, knowledge on how to do things, then i’d try making a mock-up in this vein but ultimately decided, in the end, to stick with something more experimental/object-focused)

it’s fun trying to think of designs! unlike modern romance/chick lit books, we don’t have the crutch of being able to slap a illustration of the main couple on there and calling it a day. and we could do something more abstract—like a cool background/colour swirl and the title in some big, bold font, becoming the focal point—but idk. the fun part about not having a marketing team breathing down our necks and demanding it look like the other 26 best selling books in the genre is that we can afford to dick around a little, LOL.

some points to consider:

📌 despite the mock-ups, i decided not to do a hand-lettered/drawn font for the title. given andy’s extensive library of fics and the happy endings they always promise, i wanted to try and give iickc (hehe, icky) a title font that would look at home among other romance novels in the store.

📌 i played with the idea of spotlighting shouto’s “i’m sorry” tulips, but i think i like the idea of using veggies/groceries + cleaning supplies more—particularly the groceries, given the eventual dinner date shouto and y/n have.

📌 i am limited to what i can draw (LOL) and what i can find in the common-use library i download things from.

i currently have a fourth version open that i’m working on, but im not sure if the idea i’m going for with it translates well. it’s hard to say!!! but i guess we’ll find out. 🫡 i am open to suggestions!!!

#graphic design is my passion: merms plays pretend #i am trying not to let my maximalism gene win out but……… 😩

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wishful-seeker · 7 months

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I will soon be the only person in my close family to not finish college because illness forced me to leave, and thats a strange feeling. Im not sure how i feel about it.

I feel a little alienated because of it, but even though i LOVE learning and i enjoyed college classes, i didn't enjoy college itself.

Even in high school i was the "sick kid" and missed a year there, so feeling like i don't belong isn't new.

But i really thought I'd meet people like me in college, but all i found was snobby rich kids that ignored my existence. I genuinely tried making friends but college students are not my type of people.

I don't know if this is because i wore braces on my knees, or because they could tell i was poor, not sure but college kids always gave me bad vibes.

Im sad that the things im truly passionate about isn't taught in college, and i miss the classes i did have, but i don't think a fancy college was ever my scene. Maybe i would've fit better at a community college. But im probably too disabled to ever find out.

Idk i guess it feels strange because i was heavily encouraged to go to college, and now i can't even if i wanted to. Its weird that i could probably guess the view outsiders have of my life, how they'd feel bad for me, or laugh at what I've become.

And i think of that a lot: how outsiders may view my life. "Oh so sad, look how far she's fallen." Ya know

But im happy

I LIKE my life, sure i got all As and Bs in college, sure i won a writing contest in my class, and yes i also completed a triathlon before all this. So many medals saying "look how hard i worked, look what i accomplished" but when i was accomplishing those trival things i was really lost and alone on the inside, those medals were to convince myself i was better than the years before this one, a lie that i was becoming my best self.

But now all that shit is gone, dead, useless to me. Eventually i was left alone, with NO distractions, only my mind and a body i couldn't move in. Only a bed, in a room, no where else to go. Everything i thought that mattered, everything i connected my worth with, suddenly didn't mean anything anymore, because all that was was my chronic pain, and what i did with it. All that mattered now was fighting for a better life, for freedom from a bed, for freedom within my head.

I had to rebuild myself from nothing, i had to literally rewire my brain. I studied neuroplasticity and my only goal was to train my brain to be able to live with this pain. And i had to change a LOT. I can tell you my mind and the internal dialog in my head is completely different from 2 years ago, and also much a much kinder, and safer place.

So no, i won't finish college, im gonna be poor forever, i wont work, but i am much happier.

I finally feel like the best version of myself. The challenges i face in my life are no longer overwhelming, but a cycle ive grown rather fond of. Im so secure with myself that i can say "this next hardship will be good for me." And i don't think many people have the privilege of being that optimistic when faced with stressful situations.

It would have taken me my whole life to get to this point if i was still focusing on things like grades.

Im happy, and im more proud of myself than when i beat a triathlon, or won art contests.

#yes im romanticizing my pain because its how i cope #im not diminishing it #im not trying to be a “good cripple”#im just being honest #cripple punk #CRPS #disability #chronic illness

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mycolalia · 2 months

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Ohhh if you're still doing them: 12,24,38 for the interesting asks??

SURE

12. what’s some good advice you want to share?

oh boy i think the biggest thing is

there is no such thing as total security, and chasing that creates terrible walls around the heart and can be the source of a lot of pain and suffering. things can always go wrong. preparing for how to respond to that is often much more productive for actual safety than trying to eliminate all vectors for harm, which cannot be done. as in all things, there is a balance.

trying to seek total safety in social situations in particular can lead to cutting off from the world and self-isolating, or seeking to control the behavior of others to an unhealthy degree.

seeking total security is how a lot of otherwise good people become freelance cops for conservatives.

no matter how safe someone thinks they are things can always go wrong and learning to be okay with that and how to respond is i firmly believe critical to avoiding falling into the sucking pit trap of conservative and right wing propaganda.

Similarly there is no such thing as rock bottom, and things can always get worse. So the best time to start preparing to make things better for ourselves and others is right now, rather than waiting for a threshold of pain and suffering that's sufficient to give permission to spark action.

Suffering doesn't build character, it's just suffering and it makes people worse more often than not.

Everyone is capable of immense acts of malice and cruelty in the right conditions, it takes active care to avoid this.

Don't try and reason with people trying to kill you, beyond what it takes to preserve existence on the daily. Set that energy aside to plan how to leave or fight back.

that's uh

that's the bulk of my wretched wisdom that fits as a quick response but i got it through blood and then ruminating and studying for like twenty years so HOPE ITS HELPFUL TO SOMEONE

24. what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

that i try my best, constantly, to be the best version of myself that i can be, whatever form that takes. what that is, varies moment to moment, and it's not a single sliding scale so much as a vector map with a whole bunch of different factors. sometimes the best version of me i can be is simply one that is still breathing while curled up in profound pain, but that counts. sometimes it's like today, when i cooked two meals for myself (today and yesterday are the first times i've made things from scratch or cooked at all really in actual years) and drove around the block in my powerchair.

i work really hard all the time and im so brave and do things that are important even when they make me feel like im dying and i should be kinder to myself for that.

38. fave song at the moment?

First Time, by Hozier from the Unreal Unearth Album!

thank you for the questions!!

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lovedazai · 2 months

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do you have any tips for writing? i wanna write for dazai but im scared of not getting his character right or writing badly bc i was never good at english in school and were told my writing skills weren’t good, and i’ll cry if someone tells me they hate my writing or it’s bad on here so do you have any tips ? bc i love your writing sm

my sweet nonnie im hugging u so tightly !! before i start i want to tell u that out of all the x reader fandoms ive interacted w on here, i think bsd is the nicest one. i rlly dont think anyone here would tell u they hate ur writing !! but if they do, u can let me know & i’ll take care of them ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

dazai can be hard to write for so dont beat urself up nonnie :< i feel like i only have an okay time doing it bc ive been daydreaming ab him for so long. when i struggle writing other characters, i usually go back to the manga / anime & try to observe anything i can ab the way they talk, etc. u can also read other fics & see what they do w the character that u think feels right !! obvi dont copy anyone, but incorporate those characteristics into ur version of the character

dont be afraid to use ur personal experiences !! i know x readers should generally appeal to a broad audience, but making it too “one size fits all” makes it a little boring. for me, domestic moments (like waking up together, cooking together), playing with each others hair, being physically affectionate, etc are all things i associate with romance. its fun to include things like that in my fics, even if they don’t necessarily appeal to everyone

lean into details !! im a rlly visual person & i picture things in my head while i write. in the past it was rlly hard for me to expand my ideas & i found myself skipping over the little details to keep the general plot going. ive been trying to get more descriptive & include those little things & i rlly think it helps make everything feel more immersive, even if its something that isnt necessarily important to the fic

proofread !! i reread my fics probably a little too much before i post them but sometimes i think of something i didnt before & it just helps shape the fic better. also, run ur fics thru something like grammarly before u post it !! i catch a lot of silly typos that way >:/

im still kinda learning how to write too, i must have the most disjointed writing process ever omg. but something thats helped me is not to take it too seriously bc this is all just for fun !! when u start to put pressure on urself, it becomes a chore & thats when i know i need a little break.

i hope this helped at least a little bit !! if u need anything else pls don’t hesitate to come back <33 i wish u the best of luck w ur writing & i hope it becomes something u can find comfort in !!

#valentines

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