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ante--meridiem · 3 months

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Post is under the cut for typical Creepy Ex Landlord content but there's nothing new on that front, just me processing stuff that had happened while the situation was ongoing.

I've been half considering telling my new roommates the real reason I moved out from the previous place because I have reason to believe they'd be understanding and we've definitely reached the level of friendship where that kind of thing can be shared but I hesitate to even call it "sexual harassment" out loud and not on tumblr because to do so I have to interrogate whether I ever actually said no clearly and firmly enough, though at the end of the day I'm fairly confident I did and its failure to get through to him was him just not wanting to listen. I laid out my discomfort to him several times and he apologised and seemed really genuinely guilty/upset and I told him I didn't want him to apologise or feel bad I just wanted him to stop and then he'd go straight back to what he'd been doing before.

I guess what I'm stuck on though is, maybe it's just autistic inability to fully comprehend that people can be lying to me but his belief that he's done nothing seriously wrong or against my consent seems fully genuine. He seemed honestly hurt and confused when I blocked him as soon as I could because he'd really believed we'd still be ""friends"" after I moved out. There was this one time when he was telling me about a news article about a woman who got sexually assaulted and he was all wide-eyed I-just-don't-understand-how-people-could-do-that innocence about it and I truly understood what emotion the phrase "look into the camera like you're on the office" expresses, because really?

I'm pretty sure most of it runs on technicalities and plausible deniability because ok, if you do things without asking that you have plenty of reason to think I wouldn't be ok with then technically I didn't say no, and you can even be proud of yourself for stopping once I do get around to saying it. And if you plead and wheedle with me until I decide it's easier to give you what you want than keep arguing then technically I said yes. But what really throws me is how much he seemed to genuinely believe he was morally in the clear, rather than just having legalistic plausible deniability.

Like, by the end of it and by the time he found out my sexuality, even he couldn't convince himself that I secretly wanted him. Even before he'd found out, he'd mostly switched tack from "so what if you have a boyfriend, he can't tell you what to do" to "what's so wrong with me that you aren't attracted to me? :( I've been so nice to you :(" but he never seemed to have any level of cognitive dissonance over, if I had never had any shred of attraction to him and repeatedly expressed discomfort with him being sexual towards me, why I would have ""consented"" to all the things that I totally definitely freely consented to and he totally definitely never forced on me and pressured me into (please note heavy sarcasm). He really thought I'd stay friends with him, "friends" of course here meaning "we cannot have a conversation that stays for longer than five minutes on a topic other than him commenting on my appearance and asking me for pictures". Like, I get missing signals other people think are clear, but if I found out someone I'd thought was freely consenting to physical intimacy with me (giving him benefit of the doubt that he actually thought that) felt that way my reaction wouldn't be "too bad you're not attracted to me but we'll still be friends where I constantly talk about how pretty you are and what you should wear. I never pressured you into anything btw! Me going oh come on whenever you said no to me was just me being cute!", it would be "oh shit, did I pressure you? I'm so sorry and will leave you alone immediately if that's what you want." And then actually leave them alone.

And this "you cannot honestly believe you're innocent can you? If you really believe that maybe I somehow wasn't clear enough?" doubting on my side is all pretty standard stuff as these kind of situations go I'm pretty sure, and I feel reasonably confident most people would still take my side given full details, but at the same time... even on tumblr I see people making fun of the idea that you should ask verbal consent for every little thing as "puritanical", and while I'm reasonably sure those people are talking about "someone who's been flirting with you leans in for a kiss so you don't ask before going for it" situations and not, this whole thing, I can only think that Creepy Landlord had somehow convinced himself it was that kind of situation.

....anyways.

#personal #the landlord situation

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copperbadge · 2 years

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I hope these questions aren’t offensive, you can just delete this ask if they are… Did it help you, mentally speaking, to be officially diagnosed as ADHD? Like, is it easier to know for a fact you’re neurodivergent and not just,,, weird? I’m pretty sure I’m autistic, and only undiagnosed because I’m a girl and I test well (my brother is autistic and has the same tendencies and reactions I do, but he got dx’d at 5), but on the other hand, what if I’m wrong? And I’m also a broke college student, so I’m kinda waffling on whether or not to actually pursue a doctor’s opinion, but I thought I’d ask your advice first, since you’re both a complete stranger and have gone through something similar

Anon, you sent this in SEPTEMBER, my apologies, it got pushed down a bit in my askbox.

The thing is...okay I'll talk about the psychological impact in a minute, but I also feel like it's the least relevant aspect, for me. Whatever a diagnosis did for my sense of self, what it also did was give me a document that impacts everything else in my life.

With a diagnosis I have access to medication that materially improves my condition (which is less the case with autism than with ADHD, admittedly). I have access, should I want it, to accommodations for my disability; those are imperfectly applied, you often have to fight hard to actually get them implemented, but especially as a student you would be given access to things like longer time periods for tests, study aids like audio recordings of your required reading, extra tutoring, pre-registration access to classes, etc. based on need.

This bleeds over into the mental health aspect a little, but I am also more confident in my research on ADHD because I have a medical doctor's opinion that yes I do indeed have it (and evidence of that from the efficacy of the medication).

In terms of whether it helped me mentally/emotionally...research is ongoing, I suppose. It didn't emotionally devastate me the way it did my mother, when she was diagnosed late with learning disabilities, but she came from a different generation and didn't grow up with a sibling who was diagnosed young, so she had different issues than I do. There is some bitterness about my late diagnosis, but that's situational, and I'm old enough to know how to work through/past it. I suppose it gives me more confidence in asking for informal accommodations -- recently at a party I asked someone if we could move rooms because I couldn't process what they were saying over the two conversations happening behind me -- but I was already pretty good at that. I'm having to re-examine some basic beliefs I held about who I am, but that's not a bad thing, just unpleasant to be in the middle of.

So now to the heart of it: "What if I'm wrong?"

First, almost nobody who self-diagnoses is whole-cloth wrong when it comes to neurodivergence. They might have the wrong diagnosis, or might not fully understand what's going on, but when that "Oh, I'm different" light flicks on, it's usually for a reason.

Second, okay, what if you are wrong? It's okay if you're just weird. You won't be punished for being Neurotypical-But-Weird any more than society was already punishing you, so you risk nothing in getting tested in that sense. You don't lose any ground, and you gain some self-knowledge. Might not be the self-knowledge you wanted, but it's not going to kill you.

True, there is the cost to consider, but as a student you should be able to go to the campus health center and at least get more advice on how testing would work, the costs etc. Your school's disability office, if they have one, may also have resources in that regard. It IS important to get adequately tested -- a lot of people miss a diagnosis because their evaluator's idea of testing was "asking combative questions and dismissing the answers" -- but more knowledge is always better than less.

The only downside to testing is that if you do get an official diagnosis, that can follow you for life -- earlier discussions I've had about this have brought up the fact that it can impact job placement, whether you're allowed to adopt or care for children, and other issues surrounding the way we punish people with disabilities for being disabled. A diagnosis of Autism can impact you legally. But I also think it's worth it to know and to have documentation that says you need accommodation.

I mean. This hasn't been the most fun process in the world, but I do think it's been one of the most important things I've done in my life. If you felt strongly about your self-diagnosis I'd say don't bother with the official, just live your life as if you had one, but it sounds like you have a lot of self-doubt -- so I'd work, as and how you're able, to lay that doubt to rest one way or another.

#sam has adhd

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himbeereule · 4 months

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(I'd call this a hot take if it weren't so lukewarm that it crosses the treshold into slightly cold)

"nowadays, everyone is suddenly getting diagnosed with autism or adhd or whatever"

no, people just used to not get diagnosed no matter how obvious it was

like, throughout my whole childhood people - including professionals - were like "huh, she's seriously strange, wonder what that's about", but nobody ever had the brilliant idea to just check

I mean, there was the assumption that I probably have adhd, but I was never tested nor did they do anything to help (except scolding me for not really participating in class, forgetting to bring things (sometimes my whole schoolbag) every single day, etc; I've never done homework in my entire life)

they did send me to speech therapy because I was really quiet unless talking about some special interest, then I wouldn't shut up until told to (my dearest adults always made sure to let me know how much they suffered from me talking to them <3); it was a semi-success - the therapist found that she couldn't do any exercises with me, but that I was happy and able to hold a normal conversation about the goals and methods of speech therapy (she ended up explaining her study books to me, and we just chatted about those for the whole therapy)

they also sent me to occupational therapy, but I spent the whole time rotating (literally just spinning in circles every session), so that didn't really help with anything either

so I had to suffer through many years of school (I skipped a grade, but changed schools a lot (I attended almost all school types in Germany lol), so I've been in school way longer than normal) always listening to teachers saying I had "the potential to always get perfect grades if she just... uuuh..." without ever managing to think of an actual solution, or even just suggesting we could maybe look for what's wrong with me

literally all my various schools ever did in that regard was sending me to take IQ tests, which led to one of the stupidest sentences I've ever heard (keep in mind it was an actual psychologist specialized in schoolchildren and responsible for the entire school who said this): "she's just so intelligent, we normal people will never understand her" - which was then used as justification to do absolutely nothing despite me having glaring problems in every single sector of (school) life

this whole thing also seriously set me back later - when I first learned about autism, I was like "no, everyone always told me how extremely weird I am, this would be way too easy of an explanation"; in the end, it took me three whole years of people learning about autism going "hey, that sounds like you!" (one school I was at specialized in social professions, so we learned about things like that as part of the curriculum), and people who lived with autists and autists themselves constantly assuming I was autistic and being really bewildered when I told them I wasn't, before I decided to go to diagnosis (surprise: the peer-reviewed status was officially confirmed)

but at that point, it didn't really help anymore - yes, getting closure was kinda nice, but when you're an adult, the little help that is available is only available if you take care of getting it yourself - which I absolutely can't, that's part of the problem in the first place.

so, in conclusion, I spent my entire life getting told how much potential I have by the very people who made sure to do nothing to actually help me achieve it (or just, you know, have a somewhat stable average performance, like everyone else)

tl;dr: I'm a massive disappointment to myself and everyone else, but at least I know it's not my fault. yay.

#aaaaaaaaaa #vent #autism #actually autistic #adhd #actually adhd #trauma posting

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miralyk · 5 days

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wait, even though you draw yourself, you don't want to associate yourself with f/o or selfshipping communities? genuinely curious, and want to be respectful of boundaries drawing gift art for you

had to look up what "f/o" means but yeah i think i get an idea of what you're asking... i have a bit of a nuanced and long-winded answer wrt the Topic, which will be under the cut for convenience, but to start for for Fanart, i'm still very conflicted about my appearance both irl and in art, so i'm cool w something like drawing something like my trainersona or my pokesona/foxsona, but not art Directly Of Me, My IRL Self Showing My Bare Face, hope that makes sense!

as for the Specifics since this ask seems to be in response to a recent tag i did saying "i don't want to tag art of myself as self-insert or selfship", no, i don't selfship myself with al*x m*rcer or d*smond m*les, if that's what you're trying to indirectly ask LMAO;; it's just "guys being dudes", an older friend who babysat a little kid under their wing (eg axel and xion's dynamic, or "my coworker/college classmate that's super older than me" LMAO) sort of thing.

(full long-winded answer to this question and broad topic:)

i don't have a problem with selfshipping or self-inserts; any criticisms i have are just core "fandom issues" (out of character writing/art, ignoring serious themes/topics in the source material to flanderize or sanitize fanworks, excessive spam in tags, especially unrelated to the post and/or without proper blockable tagging, etc) that selfshipping/self-inserts can perpetuate like any other fanfics or fanart mediums.

for me personally, i technically do have "self-insert" stuff like trainersona/pokesona art and lore to even a selfship with riley called brilliantaurashipping, but i just try to keep it quiet and not bother anyone tbh. i don't have much confidence with my appearance or overall qualities as a person and the last thing i want to do is be ignorant and pretentious, which i feel like would be hypocritical just. constantly drawing myself. especially in a rose-tinted goggles and mary-sue "oh i'm perfect and nothing's wrong with me i have all the superpowers and plot armor in the world and i'm besties with EVERYONEEEEE" shticks,, it makes me wince for canon-compliance and "oh god i don't want to be someone shitty and ignorant like j*lloapocalypse" reasons.

i also don't want to risk annoying or bothering people... if you're autistic and/or a person of color too you may understand this struggle better, but i've had a lot of ""friendships"" where it turned out people who i thought mutually considered friends actually hated me the whole time and only held their tongue out of societal obligations, laugh behind my back as the "mean girl's autistic pet" thing, fail to communicate properly because of various social cues i couldn't process, and so on. i'd rather have up front, honest communication that doesn't sugarcoat anything or beat around the bush, so here i am doing the same with elaborating my thoughts and hope i'm not misinterpreted or have people make assumptions making things up based on lack of information too. this got a bit long but... yeah, overall i do like drawing, even of "silly" stuff like this, but there's a reason why the word guilty is in "guilty pleasure"

#ask #also i'm not gonna mince words here the dynamic begins showing alex/des being like the lame uncle/older brother for a *7 year old*#REALLY weird + creepy to turn that into the trope of 'waiting for child you practically raised Be Of Age to date'—That's Grooming #if i'm going to post actual selfshipping or self-insert stuff i should preemptively have blockable tags so just in case #trainer kao #trainer riley #brilliantaurashipping

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0xo · 3 months

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that post about trying to break cycles by being nothing like ur abuser but actually failing to grow better behaviors... (tw lots of talk of suicide and death, mentions of abuse)

really hitting hard rn considering the death of my uncle who hated his (admittedly terrible) father but ended up perpetuating the same exact bullshit onto his wife and kids. and then died bc he couldn't face that fact. like when faced w divorce and the idea of losing his control over his family he... fucked off and died. (still don't have details on how, unsure if it was on purpose but. signs point to...) [AND PREFACING WITH: i do NOT think all people who die by suicide are cowardly or bad people or anything like that. i am talking about a very specific and complicated situation in my own family. please do not interpret this as me saying that all people who die by suicide were bad people/dodging responsibility/could've "worked harder to improve their situation." i know deeply that that is NOT the case, i have been personally impacted by suicide in other ways. i am just discussing one person and the circumstances around his death.]

and of course im sad, we were close once, he is family. ofc im sad he felt dying was better than trying to sort out his life or trying to be a good coparent. but the way he treated his (very sweet, very patient) wife was deeply unacceptable to me. he isolated her, and didn't properly care for his high-support needs autistic kids, and pinned it all on her. he was terrible to my mother and forced all my grandma's end of life care on my mother. he hurt us a lot with his behavior.

and like. i don't think he necessarily deserved to die bc of it, right? he had his own issues, he cut himself off too and refused help from everyone, these problems run in the family and he knew that and still wouldn't accept help. and you can't MAKE anyone accept help. but i can't help but think that if he'd, maybe, been open to the people who loved him, he could've... restructured. he was so smart, so clever, so creative! he could've done anything he wanted to, he was so good at anything he tried.

and yet. in trying to avoid being like his father. he ended up doing all the same things. and i think that was too much for him to handle. and i hate that, i hate that so much.

he leaves behind two brilliant, brilliant children - they're SO CLEVER. but he couldn't accept their support needs and didn't treat them well. they don't even know he's dead yet, i don't think. but they love him, and he saw them as manipulative and trying to intentionally ruin his life. they're small children. they haven't even developed the capability to manipulate yet, they just want some chocolate milk, right? and yet he compared those kids to his father.

it just hurts. this wasn't necessary. my poor fucking mum is now an orphan with two dead siblings. how is she meant to deal with all this? how is she supposed to reconcile the grief of his needless death with the absolutely shit way he treated her and their mother?

luckily we love his widow very much and we will make sure she and the kids are okay. but i truly don't understand anything. it just sucks balls to watch someone ruin their own life and leave a giant fucked up mess behind. and then everyone's saying sorry and apologizing for my loss, like i didn't lose him years ago, like we were still close, like i'm not angry with the way he treated the people around him. we grew up like siblings. but that connection was basically severed when he started acting like a jackass. i don't know how to respond to people trying to comfort me. they all assume i'm really really sad, and i am, but i'm also pissed off, and i don't think anyone knows what to do with that.

because you're not supposed to be pissed at someone for dying, especially if it's probably suicide, you're meant to be tragically sad. you're not supposed to say they were wrong, you're supposed to apologize for being wrong and not seeing the signs earlier, you're supposed to be sorry. and you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, even if they were fucking complicated, you're meant to shove all those negative emotions aside to grieve the good of them.

and i do grieve the good of him! i grieve the family member he could've been if he had actually broken cycles! but i'm fucking angry. you don't get to treat everyone around you like shit and then kill yourself to get out of being remembered as an asshole. it doesn't work like that. you're still an asshole, now you're just dead and can't take responsibility for fucking up people's lives. i'm sorry he felt that was the best way out. AND good god, he was a grown man with every opportunity to improve himself. and he chose to stagnate and be fucking mean. dying in a shit way doesn't erase that.

and like, listen, i understand that people are complicated. i don't think everyone who dies by suicide is an asshole. MOST people who do were genuinely failed by the people and systems around them, they weren't bad people, they were in bad situations. they didn't have help or a way out. it's not inherently selfish or evil, it's fucking devastatingly sad.

and mental illness is complicated and hard. like. hm. i don't think it's his fault he was fucked up, it runs heavy in our family, he was traumatized too. but. he talked so much about growing past that and then just... didn't. he had support, he had a good therapist, he talked the talk. and didn't walk the walk AT ALL. he treated people like dirt. and i understand that certain illness our family is prone to, they make it extremely hard to get or accept help, okay? i get that. i really do. but you can't just fall back on mental illness and trauma as an excuse for financially/emotionally abusing your wife and neglecting-to-the-point-of-abusing your children. it wasn't okay when his dad did it and it's not okay that he did it. and what makes it worse is that he was so aware of how fucked up his childhood made him, and self-aware enough to superficially recognize his own faults, but not enough to change how he interacted with people. why must these cycles continue! why!

i'm so angry and so sad. i don't even know my cousins well because he was so ashamed of how poorly he treated them that he cut us off from them. he hated my mum and so held me at arm's length to avoid interacting with her in any capacity. they're sweet kids...

anyways. sorry. im just so so so so so so so so so tired of death in my family and abuse cycles. im so tired in general and these giant unnameable unfathomable emotions don't help. i feel like the suicide element makes it even harder to talk about, because i sound like an absolute cunt for saying any of this to people who don't know the situation. nothing about it is simple. nothing about it is easy. i don't know what to do anymore at all tbh!!!!!!

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scholastic-dragon · 2 years

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Hey again

This is honestly the best idea that I’ve had and it’s a personal one to me

Could you do a rocket x reader where the reader opens up to rocket that they have autism and rocket is all supportive and tells them their perfect just the way they are ??

I don't have autism and I hope I wrote this well and correctly, I am so sorry if I didn't, but here you go!

Rocket x Gn!reader

Perfect

Word count: 612

Warnings: small angst, comforting Rockettm, all around fluff and comfort, spelling mistakes

Summary: you open up to Rocket about your autism and he doesn't react how you thought he would.

You'd really messed up this time.

Rocket has insisted your help with one of the smaller ships engines. You were supposed to hold a flashlight and hold two wires down for him to plug them in.

Easy enough job.

But you'd messed it up.

It happened so fast and you didn't even know what happened until Rocket was pushing you down to the ground as the engine went up in flames.

That ship was now 90% destroyed and it was all your fault. You sat silently in your room, quickly running away when Rocket went to get the fire extinguisher.

Your knee bounced as you waited for Rocket to come look for you. You knew he was going to yell at you, take notice off all the things you did wrong.

Just this morning he screamed at Quill for eating his breakfast bar, who knows what he's going to say to you.

After about 25 minutes of slightly rocking back and forth in your dark room, you heard soft footsteps coming toward your room. Your blood went cold and your hands started to shake.

Two firm knocks.

"Y/n?" It was Rocket. "You in there? I'm not mad, I just wanna talk,"

You panted heavy, unable to move yourself from the bed. Rocket sighed, opening the door and peering in.

His gaze softened seeing you shaking, he closed the door and sat beside you.

"Are you okay?"

"...no..." then the floodgates opened, tears streaming down your face, blurring your vision. "I-I don't know what happened, it was fine and then it wasn't."

"Hey, hey," He gently rubbed your arm, trying to comfort you.

"I always do this!" Your voice rose, face flushing. Bringing your arms up you covered your face. "I always mess everything up, I can never do anything right!"

"Hey, that's not true!" Rocket protested, tightly squeezing your leg. He sighed when your chest heaved with sobs but you didn't lower your arms. "It wasn't your fault,"

"It's always my fault! It's always me,"

"What'd you mean?"

Finally you lowered your arms, eyes puffy and wet with tears. You inhaled shakily, not looking at him.

"I always mess things up, even when I was a kid...I've never been able to do anything right,"

You’d told Rocket many things about your past, except one thing, knowing how different he’d treat and act around you. Everyone else reacted the same so why wouldn’t he?

"Why do you say that?" Rocket took your hand again, scooting closer to you, but you still couldn't look at him.

"I'm...I'm autistic," your head fell forward, shoulders slumped. You'd finally said it, you braced yourself for his reaction, knowing it'd be the same as the others.

"That doesn't mean you mess everything up, Y/n."

Your eyes finally met his, he smiled softly at you, speaking softly but with force.

"You are perfect the way you are. Nothings wrong with you, you made a mistake, it happens to everyone, not just you. Hell, just last week I almost crashed the ship into an asteroid. Your autism doesn't define your worth as a person, Y/n. I'm sorry you were made to feel that way,"

More tears spilled down your face, you didn't say anything, simply grabbing him and pulling him in for a tight hug. He returned it, holding you tightly.

"You're perfect, Y/n, just like this," Rocket inhaled shakily, holding back tears of his own. “As someone who’s been judged because of something they can’t control, I understand, I really do.”

“I was so scared you’d never see me the same again, or treat me different,”

“Never,” He affirmed, squeezing you tighter. “Never.”

#guardians of the galaxy #guardians of the galaxy headcannons #guardians of the galaxy imagine #gotg #gotg headcannons #gotg imagines #guardians of the galaxy vol 2 #guardians of the galaxy vol 2 headcannons #guardians of the galaxy vol 2 imagines #gotg2 #gotg2 imagines #gotg2 headcannons #rocket #rocket raccoon #rocket raccoon imagines #rocket racoon headcannons #rocket racoon x reader #rocket racoon and groot #thanks for the ask!

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queentheweeb · 2 years

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All Might X Quirkless Autistic Female Reader

A/N: I know All Might doesn't have a lung or stomach but here he does have a stomach

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If someone would have told you that you were going to be married to the former number 1 hero you would have looked at them like they were crazy. Why in the world would he want someone like you? First of all, you're quirkless. The man with one of the strongest quirks in history is going to want to be with a plain Jane like yourself? There was nothing special about you. You worked full-time at a grocery store with your program. You thanked that program and your parents for helping you so much in life and making it easier for you to navigate. You had three things against you that made people treat you worse than dirt, You were quirkless, you were autistic and you were a woman. No wonder your parents kept you sheltered they knew what they were doing. Honestly, none of those things should matter and should make society treat you as less than a person or as an object for other people's pleasure but, all well. It's going to take more than just you to change mindsets that have been the same for generations.

"I'm home my beautiful wallflower!" You turned away from the burgers and French fries you were making. You were scared of fire because you didn't want to get burned so Toshinori got an electrical stove and grills and other cooking machines to help you. It was really nice of him because you wouldn't be able to handle the pain. You were very sensitive from your ears, to your head, to your body down to your feet. You knew a lot of people thought you were dramatic and maybe you were but, you couldn't help it. A lot of things hurt you and a lot of things you didn't like. You hate loud sounds, being touched suddenly, bright lights, and certain smells that make you sick and you want them to stop or go away. Toshinori was very understanding of this which you were thankful for.

"Hi, Toshinori!" You checked the air fryer and pan seeing that the food still needed a few minutes before they were done. Toshinori liked his burgers medium rare while you liked yours well done. "How was your day?" You walked up to him to initiate a hug. You didn't like touch all the time but, you didn't mind giving hugs and kisses once in a while. He was quick to hug you and plant a kiss on your temple and let go. You loved how he would give you space when you wanted and would give you company when you wanted it. He balanced you well. You hoped you did the same for him.

"My day was alright, I saved a few people this morning and I used the last of my power for the hero course training. It's a good thing the students don't know my true form." You nodded your head knowing it was a sensitive subject for him. You didn't understand why it upset him so much because you saw nothing wrong with the way he looks, but everyone responds differently to such comments. You would cry and be angry because that would hurt your feelings.

"I think when the children find out the true form they won't treat you any differently. They love you because you are All Might the number one hero of Japan. You are also really sweet and nice and understanding." That was the most you have ever said without stuttering or thinking about something else. You were proud.

"You are really kind my wallflower. I hope that one day what you say comes true." You nodded your head leaving to finish cooking and for Toshinori to clean up and set up in his office. You lived in a studio apartment and had a routine of paying bills, buying groceries, and doing other things. When you met Toshinori you eventually fit him into your routine until he asked you to move in with him. That messed up your routine and you freaked out since you didn't have a routine now. It took a while for things to make sense to you but after a year they did.

"Let me just make our plates." You fixed his burgers and your burgers with the French fries. You got a cup of soda and gave him water. You sat down at the dining table waiting for Toshinori to finish in the shower. You checked your calendar to make sure you didn't miss anything important. You didn't have any doctor's appointments, you already had your appointment with your therapist on Monday at 3:30 P.M and your appointment with your Psychiatrist is on Friday at 5 PM. You tried to make them when you knew Toshinori wasn't home because it made you feel better knowing you were alone. He would not eavesdrop as long as you're not hurting in any way, shape, or form but, still. It made you feel better knowing you had the privacy of being by yourself.

"Y/N? My wallflower?" You jumped at the voice turning to see Toshi staring at you with a kind smile. You must have zoned out. "I think your mind went blank?" You smiled laughing nervously. He never got bothered by you zoning out or losing thoughts but, you still felt insecure about it. He was quick to reassure you though.

"I-I'm sorry I was j-just checking the c-calendar to make sure w-we didn't f-forget anything." You started stuttering rubbing the back of your neck. He walked up to you grabbed your hands and leaned his forward against yours. The two of you stayed like that for a few minutes until you calmed down. Once you were calm he sat next to you and the two of you started eating making light conversations. Once you guys were done he offered to wash the dishes while you put on your favorite TV series. You liked watching the same thing because you knew what was going to happen and it didn't trigger your anxiety about what was going to happen next. The show was halfway through episode 1 when Toshi joined you on the couch with your purple weighted blanket. He pulled you to lay on him and laid the blanket on top of you. This is what you loved. You never had to say much and Toshi always knew what to do. You were glad to have married him.

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It was short and sweet.

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cowboylikeghost · 2 years

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"you're autism have nothing to do with your Asexuality and Aromantism"

Well maybe not for you, and that's valid, but for me it is.

Disclamer:this is MY personal exprience, i'm obviously not talking for all aroace and not everyone who's autistic is aro or/and ace, saying otherwise would be incredebly harmfull.

As an autistic person, my aromanticism and Asexuality are strongly linked to it. I however knew i was aroace before knowing i was autistic. The lack of attractions, romantic and sexual was the first indicator, but also the fact that i always felt better alone, being with people for too long is really draining to me. I hate being touched for too long, sleeping with someone in my bed is a pure nightmare, and living with someone constantly in my space is just unbearable for me. So in many way i'm not made to live with someone (romanticaly) for the rest of my days. Plus i also have ADHD and i have an organised mess that i love and hate when people tell me to clean up. I don't know if it's my autism or my aromanticism but it seem impossible for me to see real people as romantic partners, i don't really spot the difference btw Friends and Lovers.

I had a girlfriend for a whole year, we were long distance and i didn't know we were together before she called me her girlfriend to her dad...and idk since i wasn't seeing her IRL i just felt like i was playing a game yk? Like a virtual girlfriend or something, i didn't feel like i was with someone. I broke up when it started feeling too Real. I know it can sound really mean but it was genuinely how i felt, i couldn't help it , and i felt so bad, like i wasn't enought.

She was however aware of my asexuality and i think she was okay with it even if she did some sex jokes that made me sometimes uncomfy. My lack of sexual attractions started by "how could someone ever want to touche someone else like that in Real life?" For me it was something made up, that people weren't really doing but yeah.. it was Real and i was just ace. I'm not a touchy person, i hate being hugged for too long and it's even worst with people i don't really know. I hate the Idea of kissing someone, putting my lips against something else's lips? I would rather die. I hate not being in control and knowing that someone will have power over me, i hate knowing that someone could see me as a potential sexual partner, it always make me so fucking uncomfy, that's why it's hard for me to be friends with someone who have flirted with me.

I always thought i wasn't valid in my asexuality or aromanticism because i enjoy reading smut and romance but i learned (with the help of a big community) that it didn't mean anything and i was still valid asf, and so are everyone on the spectrum (asd&aroace).

I understand were people are coming from when saying that a disorder can't define a sexuality, because obviously not every autistic person is aro or/and ace, but personaly it definitly played a role in it. I would still be aroace without my autism but i would definitly see it differently. Everyone is unique and has their way of feeling their identity and telling them they're wrong because of personal belief would be stupid, if you're not causing any harm to a community or someone personnally then were is the issue?

Thank you for reading<3

#asexual #aroace #ace #aromantic #aro #asexuality #aromantism #lgbt #queer #autism #asd #actually autistic #pride tag #lgbtqia

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lu-kario · 11 months

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today my dear followers who did not ask for this,

A Very Honest Slenderman(2018) Review!!!

by a creepypasta fanatic and someone who needs to think about smth else to not k- moving onto the "review". (it's not a real review i'm just gonna shit on it obviously)

It's just gonna be a list of things I noticed that bothered me throughout the whole film and made it physically difficult to watch. That was the second movie that took me two days to watch not because I was scared, but because it hurt my brain to finish it. ((((also yes. i am very . VERY . late to the party. i know. don't worry)))

Starting off, the characters are not likeable at all. None of them. They don't behave like actual teenagers. Someone from that directing team was observing high school students for a week with a notepad and was done after thinking they did a good job. I may or may not be autistic and not behave like that either but I've been in high school and have seen stuff. Obviously.

Second of all who just watches adult vids and calls it a night with friends wtf-

Not important . Maybe someone does?? Also these teenagers are created to be so edgy for absolutely no reason ((pointing out that line from ginger girlie saying that the cat should've exploded at the end i'm so fkn glad she was gone first)).

Another thing. Let's get to the star of the mfing show,,, Slenderman .

What they made of him was some kind of a,,, dryad?? Like there's legit some Slenderman Tree in the woods that he walks out of to collect kids and bear them with his big ol' self. Don't get me wrong that concept would be cool on it's own if not the thing that. It doesn't suit him at all. And the Slenderman Summoning Video as well- wth was that . You're telling me some bells (something added for the sake of the movie I suppose bcuz i never heard of that) with added five stock images of what'd you get if you typed 'illuminati' giving you a high speed seizure attack are gonna summon this big boy? The reactions are so hilarious to me as well WHY WERE THESE GIRLS PANTING AS IF THE DAMN SLENDERMAN WAS THERE WITH THEM give me a break. That would hint at least Slendy is some kind of . illuminati-ish experiment left off in the local woods grabbing kids to expand the tree for decades? i suppose.

Mostly what they did with him is giving marble hornets series but make it a on-budget parody that relies for it's damn life on shock value- flashing images constantly, having those ominous shots to make you feel something and lemme tell you i did feel something(nauseous). Also having the original contest images in the film was fucking hilarious so uh +1 for that but that's the only thing i actually liked.

Yet another thing! Nothing in this movie felt genuinely connected to each other,, if it was an artistic interpretation or smth idk i think i wouldn't mind as much but don't be calling this a damn full fleshed out movie.

The Slendy in this movie felt like a totally different being than the original it was sad to watch.

the effects were ,,,alright? like nothing to hate but nothing specific about it to like . it was just alright at best.

very last thing unless i've decided i remembered smth else-

THE LIGHT WORK IN THIS MOVIE WAS SO FUCKING TERRIBLE I HAD MY SCREEN LIGHT SET ON MAX AND STILL COULDN'T SEE A DAMN THING AND GUESS WHAT? THAT WAS THRU OUT LIKE 80% OF THE DAMN MOVIE

enough of that no matter if you enjoyed the ranting have a great day dont watch this movie unless you wanna suffer uhhhh have this cool cat pic of my cat idk what to put here anymore

edit

oh yeah i remember now

WHY DID SLENDY WALKED SO SEDUCTIVELY.............WHAT,

bro was swinging his hips seducing the victims i am done goodbye

#slenderman #shitpost #bcuz its shit #rant #long post

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queer-queries · 1 year

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context: ive seen transfeminine defined as being trans + being feminine. would it be weird for me to use transfeminine (as an afab) since i still present femininely but also am not female? (im agender and tend to consider myself transnull)

hey anon! so transfem and transmasc largely mean (respectively) transitioning towards femininity, and transitioning towards masculinity. now, the wider trans community (at least online) tends to still, unfortunately, have a very binary view of what that means. the larger perception of those terms among the trans community is that transfem refers to people who were AMAB but are trans and whose gender is feminine. and the parallel is true for transmasc.

and it's perfectly fine that a majority of people use those labels in that way. but, as is the case with any queer terminology, not everyone will fit as neatly into the common perception of a term's definition. some people who were AFAB still have to "transition" towards femininity for various reasons. while i don't personally identify as transfem, it's an experience i resonate with because femininity was pretty denied from me growing up as an autistic girl who couldn't stand makeup or "girly" clothes from a sensory perspective. i consider myself trans and feminine, and while i don't personally id as transfem, some people use transfem to mean just trans + feminine for themselves.

i've definitely seen people say that this is "appropriative" of transfems who were AMAB. but, while there absolutely are culturally-exclusive terms that exist, many queer labels are not a culture to be appropriated- they are open and adaptable. labels can be used with a certain intent and meaning but still resonate with people for differing reasons. by and large, queer terms don't "belong" to anyone. you resonating with the label 'transfem' in a reason different to an AMAB transfem person's, is not reflective on THEIR validity.

so the trans community largely views there being only ONE way to transition towards femininity (being AMAB) and while that may hold true for many people, it doesn't for everyone. and you don't deserve to be pushed away from a label or experience just because your identity is more unique.

labels, like any word, can mean more than one thing. if you were afab but are trans and still feminine, and therefore you resonate with the label transfem, then that doesn't mean suddenly AMAB transfems are "cancelled out" or invalidated by your usage of the term. there are as many ways to be trans as there are trans people. you're not identifying as anything with malicious intent, you're not trying to be some horrible transmisogynistic asshole, you're just simply trying out the terms that feel right, and there's nothing wrong with that!

#reign replies #queer advice #trans #transfem #transfeminine #agender

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thechangeling · 2 years

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Wake up

I feel like @littlx-songbxrd already knows what this is. (And fall in love again)

Alastair is autistic because I say so.

Title is from Nine by Sleeping at Last.

Thomas is something the matter?"

It was his least favorite question. All throught his entire life people had been asking Thomas if he was alright. If he was feeling alright, if there was any pain, if there was anything they could do. He absolutely hated it but he was loathe to admit it to anyone. He knew that everyone just wanted to help and it would be unfair to make them feel guilty for it.

His parents and sisters had sacrificed so much for him, looking after him as a child. He never wanted them to think that he was ungrateful.

Eugenia was still looking at him expectantly.

Thomas pushed his feelings down and put on a smile. "No, nothing. I am fine Genie."

His sister narrowed her eyes at him. "No you're not. You cannot fool me you know. I have known you all your life." She placed her tea cup and saucer down beside his and took a seat next to him. "You can tell me Tom. After all, what are older sisters for?"

"To annoy me evidently," he muttered under his breath.

"Excuse me!" She protested half heartedly. "You mind your manners now Thomas Lightwood." She took a sip from her tea. "Now what's this about, I can tell that something is wrong."

Thomas took a giant gulp of his own tea to avoid answering her. He hadn't the faintest idea where to begin. Or if he even wanted to.

Alastair.

His words still rang in Thomas' ears. "It isn't possible, it never will be."

Perhaps he was right. Raziel knows it would be easier to just walk way and forget about Alastair Cartairs. To abandon hope and go back to burying his feelings just like always.

After all what was the alternative. To tell his friends the truth? To tell Matthew the truth?

To admit to wanting something that might inconvenience someone else. It was unthinkable.

Thomas groaned and placed his head in his hands. "I am a coward," he mumbled.

"Im sorry what?"

He lifted his head. "I said that I am a coward Genie. That is what's the matter."

Eugenia's eyes bulged. "What? Tom that's absurd."

Thomas bit his lip. "No it isn't. Perhaps not on the battlefield, but in my personal life, with my friends. I never tell them what I truly want or how I truly feel because I am simply too afraid of hurting or inconveniencing them."

"What do you mean exactly?" Eugenia asked.

Thomas was reluctant to tell her the truth. To truly open up. Partially because he did not want to hurt his sister, or anyone. But also because there was a certain comfort in keeping the truth buried.

Thomas had been ignoring painful truths for sometime now. Because he was terrified of causing trouble, the kind of trouble that he knew he honestly was not worth. He had always abhorred conflict of any kind, but especially with his friends.

Anything, even something so trival as deciding on plans for the evening or what to eat. Thomas would always defer to the group. Somewhere along the line, throughout his life he had become a walking automaton of sorts. A machine just like the ones his parents had fought, only capable of saying exactly what other people wanted him to say.

Thomas didn't want to admit the fact that he had been sleepwalking ever since he was fourteen. Just mindlessly stumbling through life and letting things happen. It was a painful realization.

"I think that I have ruined everything," he admitted.

Eugenia placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Hey now. That is not true! You have not ruined anything Tom believe me. This world is better because you are in it."

It was those words that caused the dam inside of him to break. Thomas began to sob and Eugenia instantly pulled him into a crushing embrace. He allowed himself to be weak in his older sisters arms, crying into her shoulder.

Perhaps it was unfair of him to cry when this was his fault, when he had brought this all on himself. But Thomas couldn't help it. Years upon years of rage and grief over all he had lost, over all the things he had allowed to happen. He had let Alastair walk away. No worse, Thomas had driven him away by allowing him to believe that he did not love him.

And Thomas was terrified that now there was nothing he could do, nothing he could possibly say to make Alastair hear him and understand that he was loved.

"Hush," Eugenia whispered softly. "Do not despair Tom. It will be alright."

Thomas firmly shook his head. "No. No you don't know that."

"Very well then tell me," she leaned back, studying him with her even gaze. "What is it?"

Thomas had never actually spoken the words outloud before. There was this comfort, this safety in never allowing oneself to speak the words. Almost as if actually speaking the words would finally make them true.

Not only true but inescapable. Impossible to hide from or to take back.

But what exactly had Thomas been preserving all these years? The happiness of his friends? Not bloody likely. Everyone was falling to pieces with or without him.

Eugenia sighed. "Tom listen to me. Whatever it is, if there is anything that our parents have taught us is that it is never too late to fix what you may have broken. If you truly believe that you have ruined everything as you say, then fix it." She took a sip from her cup.

Fix it. But was it really that simple?

He had spent all this time trying to keep the peace when no one else seemed to hold the same regard for it. He had sacrificed his own happiness, let his wants and needs fade away like backround noise. All for the sake of peace. Because he was so afraid of losing the people he loved.

The greatest irony was he already had lost someone he loved. Thomas just hoped he could make it right.

He stood abruptly, startling Eugenia.

"Terribly sorry Genie. But there is something I must do." He rushed for his coat and flung open the door.

"But-" Eugenia protested.

"I will tell you everything later!" Thomas called to her as he left.

He was on his way to the Carstairs'.

As Thomas stood in front of the Carstairs' front door, it dawned on him that this was the most terrified he had ever been.

Fighting demons was nothing compared to Alastair.

He knocked, and after a brief moment of waiting where he almost considered running off and forgetting this whole thing, Cordelia Carstairs opened the door.

If she was surprised to see him, she did not show it.

Cordelia smiled slightly. "He is upstairs in his room. I assume Alastair is who you're here to see yes?

Thomas gaped at her for a moment. He wondered if Alastair had told her what had transpired between them in the sanctuary or if he really was just that obvious.

"I am just asking," Cordelia's gaze fluttered downwards in a brief show of vauneability. "For you to please take care of him. He's been through too much Thomas."

Then her expression turned sour as she glared. "If you break my brothers heart, you will answer to Cortana."

Thomas attempted to keep his face neutral as his heart pounded. "I understand."

Cordelia led him up the winding staircase and down the brightly lit hallway until they reached the third door on the right. Thomas wiped his sweaty palms on his jacket.

He couldn't hear anything on the other side of the door. No signs of Alastair. But Cordelia seemed adamant that he was there. Thomas had imagined this moment a thousand times, wondering what he might say. But now his mind was blank.

Just tell him how you feel, a voice whispered inside Thomas' head that sounded suspiciously like Eugenia.

But he knew it wouldn't be that simple.

"Alright," Cordelia nodded at him. "I will leave you to speak with him alone." Thomas barely acknowledged her as she took her leave. He exhaled sharply.

Thomas wasn't exactly afraid. He had never been afraid of Alastair, even during his academy days. But he was still nervous. Less afraid of what Alastair might say and more of accidently saying the wrong thing.

But he couldn't stay hiding forever. Thomas couldn't just keep letting things happen around and to him because he was too afraid to fight. There was so much worth fighting for.

Alastair Carstairs was worth fighting for.

Thomas took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"Go away Layla. I told you I'm busy!"

Thomas' breath hitched at the sound of his voice. It had been so long. He had missed it so dearly.

He cleared his throat. "It's not Cordelia. It's me. Thomas."

There was a defeaning silence and then,

"Go away Lightwood. You have no business here."

Thomas was jolted slightly by the harshness of Alastair's voice. He forgot how cold the other boy could be. However, Thomas knew that it was only an act. Merely a disguise meant to protect Alastair from getting hurt.

Thomas was would not allow himself to be dissuaded.

"Yes I do Alastair. My business is you. Will you please open the door?"

There was the sound of movement and then the door swung open revealing a very unkempt looking Alastair. His hair was messy, sticking up in all directions and his clothing was rumbled as though he had slept in it. His shirt collar and sleeves were unbuttoned and Thomas fought the urge to stare at the smooth skin on his exposed neck. He was beautiful.

That was when he noticed the redness of Alastair's eyes as though he had been crying.

"You and I have nothing to discuss," Alastair snapped. "Now leave me alone!" He moved to slam the door but Thomas caught it swiftly.

"Stop it!" He snapped without thinking. "I need to speak with you!" Thomas' own aggression surprised him. He so rarely yelled. He never allowed himself to yell.

But he could tell he had overstepped when Alastair immediately flinched, almost if he was expecting to be hit.

Thomas' heart broke. He let go of the door. "I apologize. That was unacceptable. Please understand Alastair, I would never hurt you."

He laughed coldly. "Oh really? Because I seem to remember you threatening to throw me in the Thames. He was fiddling with the fabric on the end of his shirt which was untucked. Thomas had noticed that whenever Alastair was irritated or bored or under pressure, he would run his fingers through his hair or fiddle with something. Sometimes his facial features would twitch a little as through he has fighting off a sneeze.

Thomas sighed. "I apologize for that as well. I never should have said it, I was angry and-" he trailed off. He was beginning to realize that perhaps this wasn't a good idea.

Honestly what right did Thonas have to be here anyways? What was he thinking, barging into Alastair's home and demanding things from him. How was he any different then Alastair's father? Or Charles?

Thomas was pathetic.

"I am sorry. I worry I'm saying this all wrong. But I want you Alastair. I want you more then anything else in this world."

Alastair clenched his jaw as though he were suppressing an emotion. His hands were balled into fists. "I told you Thomas," and Thomas couldn't help but gasp a little at the sound of his first name coming from Alastair's lips. "You only want me because you want to rebel, and I am finished with being used as object to satisfy the physical desires of others."

Oh...

Oh.

Thomas rapidly shook his head. "No, no please you misunderstand me. What I meant was," he took a deep breath and exhaled. "I love you Alastair."

Alastair's eyes widened almost comically. He gaped at Thomas for a moment, then glared. "No you don't. You are mistaken."

"No," Thomas said firmly. "I know how I feel. I love you Alastair. I have loved you for years now, ever since the academy. I loved you at your worst and I will continue to love you as you reach your best, because I know you have the ability to thrive you just need someone to support you, someone on your side. Someone who embraces all that you are and cherishes it. I adore you ātashé del-am, and even if you tell me to go away and never come back I will still love you."

Alastair's eyes widened at the sound of Persian coming from Thomas' mouth.

He hoped he had pronounced it correctly. He and Lucie and been learning Persian for the Carstairs, although Thomas hadn't informed Lucie of why he was doing it.

However, then again maybe she knew if Cordelia knew. He wasn't sure how that made him feel. Thomas knew deep down that his family and friends would be accepting of his attraction to men. However their reactions to his feelings for Alastair might be another story.

But he didn't care. Not anymore. Thomas wasn't letting go.

Alastair hadn't spoken yet. He was just staring at Thomas looking completely dumbfounded.

So, although he was unsure of whether it was the right thing to do or not, Thomas kept talking.

"Before, in the sanctuary I kissed you because I was trying to tell you I loved you. I thought I could show you how much you meant you me. It was never just something physical or an excuse to rebel. For me personally emotion and desire have always been firmly linked. I have never desired anyone I did not feel for in some way." Thomas glanced down briefly. "I know it is unusual but I want you to understand that I was not trying to use you."

Alastair looked pained as he bit his lip. Thomas could see cracks beginning to appear in the armour he wore around his heart. His body shook slightly as he dig his fingernails into his palms. "Thomas just go away," he pleaded. But it sounded half hearted.

"No," Thomas whispered taking a tentative step forward and reaching for his hands. "I know that you believe I only want things that are bad for me. Perhaps you are right, but you azizam, are not bad for me. You are not bad, Alastair."

Thomas carefully unfolded Alastair's fists, rubbing his fingers on his palms. Alastair shook his head. He looked as though he were trying not to cry.

"How can you say that to me?" He muttered. "After everything I've done? Everything I've said?"

"Because it's true," Thomas said firmly. "I understand that wasn't really you, and I know how sorry you are." They were mere inches from each other. "Believe me Alastair, it broke my heart when I learned that you were one of the people spreading those rumours about my parents and I was so furious."

Alastair's face was solemn and guarded. "I remember."

"But I never stopped loving you."

Alastair sighed, closing his eyes. "Thomas," he opened them. "I will not be responsible for you losing everyone that you hold dear."

Thomas reached up gently to cup his cheek. "If that happens it will not be your fault. If they truly love me, then they will understand."

Alastair shook his head. "I love you. Asheghetam, but I cannot allow myself to be this selfish." He stepped back out of his reach.

Thomas could feel a sob bubbling up in his chest. He fought against it. "You are not being selfish," he insisted. "It is my choice not yours!"

Alastair glared at him, crossing his arms. "I cannot allow you to make that choice. Somebody needs to protect you from yourself."

Rage burned through Thomas' veins, but instead of forcing it down the way he always did, he spoke.

"I am not a bloody child Alastair! I do not need your protection or for you to decide what is best for me. My entire life has been filled with others making decisions for me. I have always complied with what my friends and family wanted because I did not want to cause trouble. I never ask for anything!" Thomas was trying very hard not to yell to avoid scaring Alastair, but it was proving difficult.

He stepped towards Alastair. "If you do not want this. If you do not want to be together then tell me. But do not cast me aside for the sake of the so-called greater good. He was breathing heavily as he reached out once more and stroked Alastair's cheek. "Please?"

Alastair gasped slightly at his touch, leaning into it. His expression had transformed into one of longing and adoration. "Thomas," he whispered. "Joon-am. You are impossible."

He leaned forward and captured Thomas's lips with his own in a passionate kiss. Thimas made a slight noise of surprise before melting into the kiss, sliding his hands up into Alastair's hair. Alastair slid his hands across Thomas' back as he deepened the kiss, pulling him closer so that their noses brushed against each other. Thomas smiled against Alastair's mouth.

Alastair kissed him frantically, clinging onto Thomas' body as though he was afraid he would disappear. It made Thomas' heart ache a little. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against Alastair's. Thomas could feel his heart racing against his.

"Please stay with me," Alastair murmered. Thomas had never heard him sound so vulnerable.

He kissed him softly.

"Of course."

I pretty much never write the tlh characters so I apologize if they're ooc.

Persian terms of endearment:

Ātashé del-am: The fire of my heart

Azizam: My dear

Asheghetam: I am in love with you

Joon-am: My life

Tagging: @lavender-scented-rat @littlx-songbxrd @have-a-holly-jolly-angstmas @amchara @wagner-fell @sandersgrey @the-wckd-powers @spooky-drusilla @ellexu

#tlh #tsc #the last hours #thomas lightwood #alastair carstairs #thomastair #demisexual thomas lightwood #autistic alastair carstairs #enneagram nine thomas

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phoenix-is-the-hottest-thing · 1 year

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Not the same anon but, I've been very, I guess, cautious about saying things like oh I'm autistic. Because I don't have a proper diagnosis and people tell me nah you couldn't possibly be! You're too (insert whatever compliment).

I don't just say it to be part of a club, and I guess over time I sort of quieted down about how I felt, or whatever experiences I've had.

After reading up on the stuff you linked, and doing more research, talking to friends with autism, thinking back on my past, I feel like yeah. I very much resonate with these. In fact, I never had the words for the things I experienced, and I find comfort in knowing people like me exist. Going through the same struggles, or finding joy in niche things considered abnormal.

Regardless of how other people think of me, I still think of myself as such, because it feels fitting. I feel like, things click together. Gave me an answer.

Thanks for the help.

I'm happy I helped! There's nothing wrong with self-diagnosis, mind you. I just don't want people to get ahead of themselves and use fictional characters as their main reference, since that would be highly misleading.

#asks #autism #:3 #phoebe rambles

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straightfromthetorturedpoetsdept · 1 year

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"My hearts been borrowed and yours has been blue" this lyric is so personal to me actually but let me tell you, this is such beautiful characterization of who she and Joe are, like we don't know much about Joe because he's very private and shy but here she is saying that his heart has been blue or sad/depressed, most likely and we also know that she views herself as blue too "you paint me a blue sky" "losing him was blue like Id never known" and like okay this is a jumbled mess let me start over okay

This is wedding superstition "something borrowed, something blue, something old, something new" revamped and I think the fact that she often talks about how Joe made her believe in love again after losing it quite brutally the last time (hits different outro is ouchie infinity taylor what do you mean "is it okay is it you or have they come to take me away" ma'am) is very relevant here I think. I love how optimistic taylor is in her last 4 works intermingled with grief, I really do.

Okay, so we have her comparing both her and Joe to being borrowed and blue, respectively. I don't know much about Joe, so I'm just going to say that she is probably saying that his heart is blue in the same way that her heart has been blue in the past (see losing him was blue like Id never known, you paint me a blue sky... she's talking about how when she loves someone, she depends on them to bring fair weather to her mental landscape... and the fact that she calls his heart blue is referencing that same tendency in Joe... twin flame vibes... Taylor has a best friends to lovers kink and it SHOWS). But calling her heart borrowed is so introspective and self-aware like I truly cannot express the beauty in this line.

Like, okay, I'm not taylor but I've struggled with an ED and I've also struggled with religious trauma to my sexuality as a woman who likes both men and women and I'm autistic so I can especially understand the impulse and desire to use sex and romantic partners as a stand-in for self-esteem and I feel like she really said a lot with "I hosted parties and starved my body like Id be saved by a perfect kiss" when I listen to "I looked around in a blood soaked gown and I saw something they couldn't take away," I see her in a white gown, strapless, with an anatomical heart cutout covered in red surrounding it like an explosion of blood but the heart is still in her chest and beating because I'm gory as fuck but honestly it's my analysis so let's go with it okay hush

And her heart being borrowed, like this is such a self aware line because she is saying that her heart was given to the wrong people but she got it back in the end... if you borrow something, you're only holding it temporarily (teenage love taught you there's good in goodbye... and then we get betty... bro, I'm sorry if you believe in grammy gate after those LOVER ERA leaks you're just braindead at this point the mold in your walls has gotten to you) and she is also admitting to a very self destructive behavior because in order to literally give your heart to someone, that's a gruesome statement tbh maybe it's my autism showing here but like you'd have to take it out of your chest and hand it over... that's inherently a self-destructive analogy. There is nothing good about that imagery, but she is saying that she got it back in the end. She made her way back to who she is, like you know how people talk about the heart of a character and we use heart as the physical representation of your soul like listen to your heart means do what will allow you to stay true to yourself but if you give your heart away that can be taken to mean something very different to autistic women (or people pleasers in general but my headcanons will not let me rest) who literally mask in relationships, especially straight relationships, in very self destructive ways because the norm in society is to uphold white supremacy values (no deal, that 1950s shit they want from me is so feminist bitch of her and I will not be taking critique on the contrary... she is saying fuck white supremacy as she should) okay like for white women in america, to mask yourself especially if you grow up undiagnosed autistic inherently makes you kind of a bad person if you're trying to be a good woman because to be a good white woman is to ignore oppression that doesn't affect you.

It's being influenced to be quiet about your sexuality because you're the #1 white woman in the world and you crave validation so badly, you give your fucking heart away to people who you are taught to want, men who want to abuse and groom you and women who have EDs because that's all white women strive to be (skinny, beautiful, attractive, seen but not heard unless they're talking about their husbands or sons) and you let yourself play the role of the daydream in your relationship until they disrespect you or gaslight you and make you feel stupid or crazy or insult you until you feel worthless standing next to these bland ass white men or cheat on you to show you how fleeting the power you've harvested from your beauty actually is and you're so caught up in gender roles and the status quo that you realize you don't actually want any of these awful people around you because none of them actually care about you they only care about what being with you feels like for them and as soon as things get real and you ask them to do things that take YOUR well being into account, all of a sudden you've changed and you're a bitch and you're being so fucking insane right now you know that it was just a hand drop I was just caught up with my friends god you're lucky you're so pretty when you look at me like that I can't stand seeing you cry please don't cry okay don't make a scene come on be a big girl now be good for me smile more why don't you

I just wow I got carried away here but yeah, for someone like taylor, my hearts been borrowed is a self aware admission that she gives away the core of who she is when she gets into relationships, she is so scared of fucking things up she lets awful people have second, third, hundredth chances because she just wants the pain to mean something, she just wants to feel in control of her own damn life and not like she's a fucking doll dressed up for entertainment for strangers who don't see her, who don't understand her, who can't be bothered to read her lyrics and hear the things she sings about and the themes in her music and who think she's just a mediocre white woman who only sings about love, which.... like everyone does, love is the only thing worth singing about and it's such a simplistic and sexist way of looking at music sung by women (because all women singers go thru this) by implying she's not saying anything with her songs because it's simple themes like love isn't the most complex and painful experience of people's lives but especially women and especially the more dark their skin gets, the most painful their love lives become. Not just romantic love but friendships and family and even coworker love or stranger love. Like, ugh okay fuck, I'm not gunna start my spiel on the patriarchy again but I'm thinking it and you should be too

So taylor is saying my heart's been borrowed, which is such a pretty line on the surface but really exposes the pain of her past because you don't want people to borrow your love, putting it back when it stops being convenient for them to play around with. But also, this is interesting as a line because she could have said your heart's been borrowed and mine has been blue, which would be a stronger indication and reminder of the painful and abusive relationships she's had in the past but the fact that she didn't makes me think she said it the way she did as an obvious role reversal to call attention to the fact that obviously, if his heart has been blue it's probably because it's been borrowed (again all the girls being cut from lover is my villian origin story) in the past as well, the same reason that her heart has been borrowed and been blue as a result, like, I live for this line specifically because then she goes "all's well that ends well to end up with you" which again calls back red era aka her heartbreak album which I think we should take to mean that album is a representation of how she behaves in a relationship, not so much focused on the specific relationship that influenced those specific songs you feel especially when we do analysis of calling back red era lyrics, but also the "to end up with you," is such a cute but also painful addition because we know that taylor goes into relationships hoping they'll be the last one she's in, that all or nothing mentality is also a huge thematic contrast that goes away after reputation, where she learns to live in the moment of her relationship and that's why conspiracy kaylors don't really like the normalcy of her love songs for Joe because she's just relishing in her healthy relationship and there is no fighting, like lavender haze and paris are both songs written about being bed with your lover and just having silly conversations or not having conversations at all with them but enjoying their company and they just want the passion of red and 1989 back, but it's gone forever because that type of passion is unhealthy loves okay anyways

Like I love this line so much because it showcases how taylor ended up with everything she ever wanted (a twin flame best friend who falls in love with her, the ultimate bi girl fantasy) but it came to her packaged with trauma on both her end and his end, but it's also a promise to remember that disagreements in healthy relationships are not all or nothing events, and it's just both of your traumas butting heads and you have to take a moment to breathe and remember that in those moments and make the effort to look past temporary hurt and forgive them for not knowing they were being hurtful to you because you can't punish people who accidentally hurt you when they don't know it's gunna hurt and it's such a beautiful little line that highlights they're perfect for each other because they took the time to grow up apart from one another until life gave them enough lessons on their own that by the time they started dating, they knew exactly what worked for them and what didn't and they knew what made other people leave so they were able to make the home they were always looking for with another

It's such a beautiful bridge, one of her best of all time but this line is one of my favorites of all time

#taylor swift #lover #lyric analysis #personal

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pompadorbz · 1 year

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i actually remember someone talking about Makoto and Kiyotaka as opposites but more so in a shipping frame work as they were speaking in the sense of why they don't ship NaeIshi. But the major point of their argument that coincide with your point were, how Makoto puts Taka on a pedestal but working with the framing of genuis than normalcy. 2nd. point had to due with Taka's austism coding and how makoto is negative but that's not important. I could link you the post, though, it's not nice to makoto and does come from the basis due of not shipping NaeIshi, but still an interesting read into the relationship of NaeIshi romantically and then canonically as in game

I'm gonna be completely honest with you, I think that Makoto and Kiyotaka are so incredibly QPPS. Coming personally from an autistic person I've never really viewed Makoto's behavior towards Taka as ableist either (I believe that's what you're saying the post implied, but do correct me if I'm wrong here)? Because even if Kiyotaka does does have a lot of symptoms unintentionally, it's also really important to note that he is also INCREDIBLY extreme in regards to his beliefs (this is even touched upon in Taka's school mode where he feels hes forcing things upon his friends, and the literal correct answer is for makoto to tell him that no! He isn't selfish for this!), in a way that would be jarring and difficult to understand for literally anyone. Like with any FTE, going through Taka's in full ends with Makoto having a clearer understanding of Kiyotaka. At his core he is a character that is both optimistic, and willing to listen while equally wanting to help Kiyotaka understand the concepts that are harder for him to grasp. As for them putting each other on pedestals, I couldn't agree less. Makoto calling Taka a genius is more of a throwaway comment than anything to segue into the Kiyotaka lore, and while Makoto is normal, Kiyotaka never expresses any sort of idolization of her. They have these traits and COULD go down that path if the circumstances were bad enough, but I think from where they stand they would be perfectly healthy. They are FAR from the level that Chihiro and Mondo are at, like it's hardly even comparable beyond the fact that they've kinda got opposite goals and opposite positions, and to me that's more of an interesting coincidence that COULD be elaborated on if someone wanted to. Fascinating and fun to rotate? yes. But is it entirely necessary? No. I'm very Ishimondo ride or die so I don't ship them romantically, but it is FAR from a stretch to say that there's absolutely chemistry there. Honestly Makoto could become QPPs with anybody if she wanted to, lol. Also, this is nothing against you but I ask that you please please don't send the link. I'd hate for people to see it as an excuse to attack this person, whoever they may be. I'm positive you don't have any ill intentions, but I sincerely hope that you can understand.

#syd spiels #backtalk

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vent-my-woes · 6 months

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Just more shit that doesn't belong on main or vent chat

||i hate venting here||

||its nothing to do with the people. Im the problem.||

||I know what im thinking is wrong. I know it, but i dont *know it*.||

||I constantly fight between a need for attention and a need to be independent.||

||I need attention, because I was trained to believe no attention meant I did something bad. That *i* was bad. I was conditioned to *fear* and *hate* being "wrong". She put that fear in me to control me, I know that, but it still hurts like being ripped to pieces and a voice in my head wailing "WRONG WRONG WRONG WE'RE WRONG!"||

||On the other hand, she made me despise and hate needing people. She made me feel unworthy of the attention, and hate needing it. I **hate** that I need attention and others love to feel "right". I *hate* how she made me feel like a product, and how easily I fall back into that pattern. I hate the part of me that snarls and snaps whenever we get attention as a "product", demanding to be *more*. Not just an animal in a cage but a fellow human being.||

|| I hate how I feel like I'm taking time and energy from people whenever I ask for help, but I'm not *wrong*. People have their own issues, and don't need me adding to it.||

||I hate that I'm afraid of people who could help me. I hate that I'm afraid of people who care. I hate that she made me afraid of some of the only places I belonged. I'm terrified every time I reach out. A voice screaming that I'm wrong and bad and should stop stop stop wasting people's time. Another voice shouting that these people will only hurt us the way she did, we should leave and get rid of the danger.||

||I'm trying so, so hard, but I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am, I don't feel like me. I feel like the person she created. I *know* I'm the person she created. I'm terrified of my own hobbies. I'm terrified every time I go to talk about my interests. My own opinions bring me fear whether I keep them to myself or not. She took so much away from me and no one even notices.||||All I am is the *thing* she created. All I am is the confused child who wanted a friend, who thought they could trust this person, and was betrayed. Betrayed, and controlled, and manipulated, till all I was was a product of her influence.||

||I don't hate her, I can't no matter how much I want to. She hurt me so deeply and badly that I can't exist without being reminded of how damaged I am, but I can't hate her. I don't know why. Maybe because I was conditioned to need her. But she was a child. We both were. It's partially my fault, I guess.||

||Im never "damaged enough", though. Not "autistic enough", not "depressed enough", not "in pain" enough. She always had it worse, or so she said. So here i am. Stuck. Damaged, but not enough to get help. Not enough for people to understand. Not in a way that matters.||||I hate who she made me, but it's all I know how to be. "But you're you" who the fuck am I? No one knows, because my entire personality is based off of avoiding being "wrong" and pleasing people and being helpful because that's when I'm worth something.||||I'm too much for people, she always made that *very clear.* But again and again and again, she's been right. I've been too much and people have left me and she's *right*. I don't need those people who leave, I co I couldn't care less, but the fact that she's *right* makes me want to curl up and die.||

||I'm not worth attention. I'm not worth help. I'm not worth sticking around. Im comedic relief. I'm the friend you can drop and easily pick back up whenever because they'll always say yes to you.||

||I heal the hurts, I give hugs and kisses, I make you feel better, then I'm shoved in my box till I'm needed again. ||

||I don't mind it. I know my job, and I know no matter who I am I'll always love people and care for them. I just wish it felt less like programming and more like my own free will sometimes.||||There's so much more, and I'm probably gonna delete this later, so it's whatever.||

||Time to put on my happy face.||

(Was in the vent chat but immediately deleted afterwards)

#tw vent

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