bittersweet is the place
where we rest our sore feet
after dancing all night
with a bottle of
serotonin,
oxytocin,
endorphins,
dopamine
risky and raw
on your cousin’s kitchen floor,
a place where
your hands find its way
to the arch of my back,
with you whispering,
“I can’t breathe”,
only for me to catch you smiling.
bittersweet is how
you tell me you admire
everything about me
in between
inhales and exhales,
sounding like a drunk person
eager to have the next sip.
bittersweet is when
that bottle is empty
and all that’s left
of the bottles are wines and whiskeys
and more nightcaps to sip out,
what we both do not want
to take away–
like the night
and the memories combined
and the love that grew bitter
and sour
like the colors of wine.
bittersweet is when you love me
and i love you
and we still couldn’t be together.
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Time danced in relentless motion,
and I watched as chance after chance after chance
slipped through my fingers.
Moments that could have been etched
In our shared history
were instead lost in the abyss of silence.
The words I have been wanting to say
but never have to courage to
remained locked within my soul,
stifling under the weight
of my own indecision and lack of faith.
Faith for what we could have been,
where our love could have gotten us,
and why we always find out our way
to each other's doorstep.
The unspoken truths echoed
in the depths of my being,
a constant reminder of the opportunities—
of you, of us that slipped away.
Regret paints its melancholic strokes
on the canvas of my heart,
for the road not taken will forever haunt me.
Yet, amidst the sorrow,
a flicker of hope remains,
whispering that perhaps, one day,
the universe will conspire
to reunite our paths and grant us
a second chance at the love we left behind.
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Church says, god is good. But she is best
in your mouth. Lucifer is in hell because she loved her
in a way that was not understood.
Natalie Wee, from ‘Jesus Takes Me to Bed’, Our Bodies & Other Fine Machines
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soft girl is by efb | i’m not sure where this belongs. five short poems, five points of entry. dl chapbook for free or pay what you want here.
other works
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these are the facts: i talked about fucking you in the backseat of my car before i was ever able to talk about loving you. that was easier. you send me paragraphs about moving in together and adopting cats. i reply half an hour later and change the subject before i do something stupid like throw my phone at the wall or forget how to breathe or tell you that the idea of something i can't pack up and leave with in the middle of the night scares the shit out of me.
CAITLIN ABIGAIL
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One of the habits I came to learn over the years is the art of understanding when it's time to leave; to walk away from where I am not wanted. Yet, truth be told, this was no simple feat for me; I used to hold on tightly on things, unwilling to let go. But one day, I snapped out of it and realized that that is not what I deserve.
Then, we met...after years of waiting and missed opportunities. We met, and just like that, you became a hard habit to break. I know where we stand, you and me. So, tell me, how do I leave when I know I am wanted, I just am not the only one?
s.a., caffeine thoughts #3
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Would it really come—the day when my heart does not ache with the thought of you anymore?
s.a., of curiosity drenched in wine
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Church says, god is good. But she is best
in your mouth.
Natalie Wee, from “Jesus Takes Me To Bed”, Our Bodies & Other Fine Machines
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soft girl eats nails
to become iron
soft girl swallows water
& swallows & swallows
soft girl rusts
from the inside out
soft girl wants to be
stainless steal
soft girl hopes to bleed less
& kiss more
efb | soft girl is prone to corrosion.
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I would often find myself
thinking of you
and how you resemble
the waves of the sea—
for each time I think
I almost had you,
you recede back to
where you came from.
s.a., caffeine thoughts #2
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There may be many things that you wished you did differently in your life but don’t be hard on yourself because some of those aren’t meant to be regretted. Here are 9 things that you could have done that you should never regret doing:
1. Don’t regret falling in love with the wrong person.
At first, you would literally feel that you are stupid for even investing plenty of emotions to them at all, that you’ve just wasted your valuable time when you could have cut them out of your life the moment you’ve seen the little red flags but here’s the thing, you are meant to fall in love with the wrong person before you finally become the best partner you are also wishing to have. A relationship that did not work out is learning that you did not want to hear at the time.
2. Don’t regret leaving people who are unhealthy for you.
Toxic people can do great damage to you physically, emotionally, and mentally so do not ever feel sorry for walking away from them. They’ve already done enough, don’t let them continue to destroy YOU.
3. Don’t regret failing.
Be it in different kinds of relationships or business, you should never regret failing. Instead, be proud of yourself because failing indicates trying and trying is as always, a good thing. With failure comes a learning experience, maturity, skills, resilience, and new knowledge. You may have bled and gained wounds but have you ever thought how effective is growth without working to achieve it?
4. Don’t regret taking a break.
Taking a break is something you don’t think you need, but you do. If you don’t, you might erode productivity, lose focus, dampen creativity, diminish enjoyment, act like an alien, and eventually burst. Don’t regret taking a break because there are times in life that taking a break is necessary to recharge, to see things clearly, and to just breathe.
5. Don’t regret staying at a job you dislike.
Even though you are fully aware that you deserve to work somewhere that makes you feel satisfied and fulfilled, sometimes you are forced to stay at a job because you need the money. That is no secret to everyone but sometimes, the best thing to do is tough it out until you already have the means to change your situation. Some times staying at a job you dislike has surprising benefits such as learning more about yourself and your limitations, you learn to resist, fight, and struggle against your job, and a lot more. Sometimes, staying in a bad position is necessary for you to pave a road to the best one.
6. Don’t regret taking a risk.
The unknown could be scary, thrilling to some. But taking a risk is something you should not regret because only by then would you be able to go out of your comfort zone and see different horizons you have never seen due to the position you were in. No matter the outcome, you will surely grow and continually become resilient and confident.
7. Don’t regret spending some time alone.
Being alone does not necessarily mean you are lonely. And sometimes, the greatest thing you could do to yourself is to spend some “me” time. Reward yourself of simple pleasures of life.
8. Don’t regret facing your fears.
Honestly, you don’t need to conquer every fear that you have. But it is important to do so from time to time to slowly gain control over things that are manipulating you. Your fear of heights gets in the way of your hiking trip with your closest friends but if you deal with it, you now have one fear crossed in your “fear list”, you gained a new surprising adventure, and you obtain a feeling that you could do anything you want. Who would regret that?
9. Don’t regret giving second chances to people.
You are not wrong for giving something or someone a second chance but one thing to keep in mind is that not everybody deserves it. And if they wasted that chance, remember that you are not to blame. Wasting it is their decision and not yours. But if you gave someone a second chance and they wasted it, then you gave them another chance, that is something you would regret because by then, you should know better.
You shall never regret your past decisions because, in some way, you’ve benefitted from it. You are where you are because of it. Everything happens for a particular reason that we might not know as of now but there is a grand design He is preparing for us that we don’t realize. Give things a try and always see the good in every bad.
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My poem “The Other Woman”, about loving a girl who couldn’t admit to loving another girl, is now up at The Adroit Journal.
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HERE IS A STORY ABOUT YOU.
an off-kilter image of harsh winter
solstice and you, unmoving from a
window too small, waiting, waiting,
waiting, and that far away train whistle
tastes a lot like bitter promise. that
prickling heat crawling up your
curved spine—
an old hope that weighs two tons
heavier resting somewhere between
your shoulder blades tells you to pick
up those broken pieces from the picture
frame you smashed and tore, but the
snow sticks too fast, reminiscent of us.
oh, sweetheart,
will this be how it ends?
i miss those tired eyes, the way the
light turns you soft year round, sun
peach, leaving kissed stars. i don't
blame us for snowing ourselves in,
and yet—
and yet i want an avalanche
to hit me dead on, make like a train
crash, a listless ear pressed to the
tracks, waiting, waiting, waiting.
A GENTLE REMINDER.
seasons change like clockwork,
some kind of universal joke, and
us and all of our little winters will
bring feeble flowers that emerge
suddenly from the frost thick ground
much like springtide, much like my
heart meeting you again.
efb | let us tilt our heads towards the sun and begin again. (#SPRINGDAY)
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i decay.
i become reborn,
but only from your ashes
& whatever those lights are
and whatever this is,
I’m glad I got to taste it
from your fingers
portion from a poem in utero
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