⚠️trigger warning⚠️
Mentions of depressoin/forever sleep/dr*gs
I want to preface that I'm completely okay. I'm just venting through poetry. It's a better way I've learned to cope. Instead of my old coping mechanisms. Please know that it's worth it to say alive, ok? It may not seem like it now, but it's ok. You will be able to do it. So please stay alive.
I know I've become depressed.
It happens.
I get high highs and low lows.
I don't actually want to sleep and not wake.
I'm exhausted of my routine,
Yet have no energy to change it.
I'm undesirable,
I know.
Messy hair,
Heavy eyebags,
Tiered eyes,
Always high,
Trying to escape my will to die.
It's surreal,
My birthday is coming.
Never thought that I'd make it to 20.
I have a lover,
I have friends.
Yet why do I want it to end?
So I try to get high,
So I don't die.
I think I just want to be wanted.
I feel unwanted.
I've lost my way again.
I'm tired of having to find my way,
Again.
I just want to sleep for a while.
It sounds nice.
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Ladybug
Dec 15, 2022
A ladybug is trapped inside my window
I noticed it just the other day
I thought that it was visiting
I thought that it could leave
But that proved wrong
Because today I saw it again, crawling on the glass
A ladybug is trapped inside my window
Ladybugs have wings, in order to take to the sky
But how can it fly when it’s stuck, trapped inside my window?
Is it unhappy, stuck in there?
Maybe it doesn’t know it’s stuck
Maybe it thinks it can escape
Maybe it’s trying to fly it’s way out, but doesn’t know how
A ladybug is trapped inside my window
As I stare into my window pane
I wonder how it feels
Maybe it feels safer stuck
It cannot be hurt or eaten in there
Can only sit between four walls and watch time pass it by
Maybe when it went in there, it wanted to hide
Maybe there are predators nearby
Ones that seem sweet, seem charming
But will hurt it all the same
Maybe it knows this
Maybe it doesn’t
Maybe that’s why it hid
Maybe that’s why it’s stuck
A ladybug is trapped inside my window
As I sit in my room, I stare
I watch as it crawls and climbs the glass
Exploring, or looking for a way out?
Maybe both
Maybe neither
A ladybug is trapped inside my window
As I sit on my bed, I stare
I could get up to get food
Or to talk to my parents, to improve their mood
I could get up and leave
But instead I sit and watch the bug, from within my four safe walls
A ladybug is trapped inside my window
I watch it as it climbs
Maybe it thinks it can leave
Maybe it has left, when I wasn’t watching
Maybe it returned
Maybe it’s watching me too
Maybe we’re watching each other
A ladybug is trapped inside my window
I look over to my bedroom door
I could leave
I am not trapped, like the ladybug
But my parents are just outside of it, and I do not wish to talk
I do not wish to improve their moods
I do not wish for that to be my responsibility anymore
I do not wish to be the one to keep the peace
Maybe peace is overrated, but it makes it so much simpler
Peace allows us to ignore our problems, until the next time it is broken
Maybe I should get some food
It is noon and I’ve still not eaten
I sit inside my self-imposed cage and stare longingly, begrudgingly at the door
I could leave at any time
I could fly like the ladybug wishes to do
I could leave not just my room, but this entire house
I could, I could, I could
But I won’t, so instead I watch the ladybug climb the glass
A ladybug is trapped inside my window
I get up to go and get some food
I do not know what to eat
I do not know much anymore
I used to feel like I knew everything
But, now, I don’t even know what to eat
Eventually I get my food, anything random at all
Simply to keep my body going
I quickly turn around
I’m already anxious to return to my cage
Sometimes I leave
I walk through the nearby woods with my sister, and the tree bark feels like freedom
But I always must return soon
Our parents don’t like us out after dark
Our parents don’t like a lot of things
A ladybug is trapped inside my window
Sometimes, now, when I see ladybugs outside
I wonder if the one in my window wishes to join
If it is envious of their freedom for flight
I am, sometimes
A ladybug is trapped inside my window
There is another on the other side
It’s crawling on the glass
I thought at first that the one in the window had escaped, but it was still there
I wonder if the one outside wishes to help
I wonder if the one inside wishes to be helped
I wonder if I wish to be helped
I confuse myself sometimes
I cry within my cage, my room, wishing for help, yet never ask for it
Even when I’m outside, walking in the woods, enjoying freedom, I do not ask
Asking for things is hard
Asking for things makes you a burden
I do not ask
A ladybug is trapped inside my window
I wish that it one day will be free
Though I know it never will, not really
It will die within the cool glass pane
A ladybug is trapped inside my window
I do not know how to get the creature freed
I cannot find any holes, any spaces it could fly from
Maybe it will be trapped forever, until it dies inside the glass
I cannot help the ladybug, and the ladybug cannot help me
I do not know if either of us wish to be helped
Maybe we’ll both be stuck in our cages forever
A ladybug is trapped inside my window
I’ve never understood a creature more.
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i fell asleep on the train
woke up in fucking neasden
another cyber identity crisis
screaming ‘trans rights’ at the pigs
before they dropped the location for rave
we’d sit at train stations waiting to be saved
ever blacked out your life till the colours turned grey?
ever gave into gossip, by the less than saints?
hitch a ride on a northbound train
you and me always liked to escape
these nights i miss feeling safe
don’t want what i know to change
sometimes i get trashed, mostly i try to ride the waves
hoping the sun will shine again some day
the boy with moods like the british weather
the boy with leaky eyes who we can rely upon to hold it together
- GREEBO
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