Wilderness Solo
Context:
This was written during a 10 day Wilderness Solo retreat as a part of the Four Seasons Journey, a year long course, run by the School of Shamanic Womancraft (SSW). And yes, that first sentence may take a reread or rererereread to understand lol, we love a good attention grabber. In the middle of those ten days, myself and six other women spent 3 days on our own water fasting with a tent, our medicine drum, and a journal with the intention of calling in a vision - hence calling this a Vision Quest. Our two teachers and apprentices held space at the home on this property by monitoring the walkie talkie (we could call in or whistle in case we needed anything). When I wrote this, it was the first full day of the Vision Quest, October 6th. Since then, I have done more processing and integration and feel deep gratitude for this experience - which is not really highlighted in this stage of the journey. I’m learning that by writing in rhymes, it helps me continue the writing flow by giving my thoughts some sort of loose structure.
In my experience, I haven’t come across much content of people who are beginning/in the middle of their “spiritual journeys”. Like most media, polarization is the most common stance - either social media is making fun of spiritual people, or it’s a guru preaching love and light. So, I volunteer as tribute to act as a Bridge.
My whole life I’ve always been drawn to nature as a teacher, which is what spirituality basically is, in essence. Then, as I started to get more into studying astrology in 2018, the world of mantras and meditation found its way into my orbit. I’d say that my move back to California in 2021 was the real start of my #journey, thanks to the ample supply of open hearted humans I met (specific shoutout to the gorgeous soul Austin) and the strong culture of psychedelics that exists. After 10 months of exploring the magical lands of Mexico, I signed up for the School of Shamanic Womancraft based in Australia, eager to wet my witchy whistle. Quite quickly, I felt like I was in over my head, that the other women were already so advanced in their abilities/careers/etc, and self-doubt began to emerge. Without saying much more, this poem/free write thang expresses those emotions of frustration, blame, and resistance about where I’m at in my journey. I wrote it right after I meditated and FINALLY felt like I connected to a higher frequency without any external assistance (to be explained more below).
I hope this share serves.
Much love,
Beth
Woke up and choose love and gratitude
Sat outside, stared at a tree ribbon, changed my whole attitude
My vision started to blur into fractals
Figured I’d give meditation a crackle
Kept my focus on the stringy ribbon thing
Imagined my thoughts as a rat on a wheel
Killed the rat, put it for a rest
Continued to keep my focus as a test
Checked out of reality, said goodbye to time and space
The sun came out and surrendered without a trace
Not long into it, flys came around
Changed my position to in my tent, continued to ground
Breath flowing in and out with intention
Became aware of my energy, fostered a heart connection
There I felt a tightness around the chakra
Love myself is a fitting new mantra
Laying down, my thoughts began to drift
Give wings to my voice, spirit felt a lift
Had a check in with my guides, my family
I was most in tune to listen to their voice
James, Bernice, and Mildred intuitively came to me
Grandpa, Gramma, Aunt from my sequoia ancestry tree
Supported like a spider on a web spun with silk
There’s no point in climbing if the base isn’t built
Start small babe, don’t get in over your head
Life’s about taking risks, keep trying til you’re dead
Being so self aware at times feels like a burden
How I feel inside’s never hidden behind a curtain
Feeling behind my sisters’ abilities is a truth
I’m starting to ground and they’re astral projecting out the roof
Can’t trance dance or journey without weed
Reaching for the stars while feeling like a seed
“You already can” I am told but feel without guidance
My mom never pushed me, without support, feelings heighten
Swimming deep down into a lake of pity and resentment
My lungs burst for air so I climb onto a bench and
Look around, raise my eyebrow, and say - Why all this anger?
Everything happens for a reason, self sabotage is danger
Dangerously close to placing all my bets
Towards my future in a program whose pre-reqs I haven’t mastered yet
I keep trying hard, giving up’s not in my nature
In every course I’ve ever taken, I achieve the highest stature
Turns out shamanism isn’t quite like that
Your intuition initiation may come from a bat
In February, three years have passed since my breakup in Spain
The freedom to find myself has had doses of pain
Returned to home, took all the risks, spent weekends MIA
On Halloween I crashed my truck, to jail I was taken away
Fuck the justice system, fuck the US, I found an online job
Moved to Mexico to start anew, my dreams cannot be robbed
Loved living life as I desire outside my nine to five
Forty hour weeks compared to magic peeps who knew of no restrictions
Inspired me to realize I, too was worthy of abundance
Decided now was time to invest in skills that’d grant me everything I wish
Heard Australia’s a land of opportunities and ease
My bro is there and sister in law, getting a visa was a breeze
Go there for what? I considered, Not anything will do.
“Aha!” Said Kiki, my sister in law, “What about this school?
It’s called Shamanic Womancraft, their workshop was v cool!”
Women’s circles, wilderness solo, cyclical wisdom?
My curiosity peaked an all time high, my searching was done!
Quit my job, flew back home, changed my life in three short weeks
Surrender and trust in the unknown, what’s sown I’ll surely reap
Well, little research and lots of faith had unexpected results
Connection to Spirit has no instruction guide, no missing nails or bolts
Then how? I question, feeling lost and unqualified
Nothing’s working, nor my cycle’s flowing, no matter how hard I tried
The only hope that I find’s in the hands of Mary Jane
With her, I fly in meditations and hear voices of my guides
But without her medicine, I am a novice and tears come to my eyes
My final hope rests on the Wilderness Solo, surely answers’ll come
Yet, the same actions produce the same results, from the truth I cannot run
I push myself, so very hard, to sing, to drum, to dance
Wind, rain, and cold take me ahold, defeat’s my only trance
Finally the sun comes out, so I sit in meditation
Loving joy overwhelms me once I find my concentration
Small wins are much more valuable than aiming for the moon
To land amongst the stars feels sparkly and I shift my tune
This is my path, it’s full of surprises, and surely never boring
Into the lion’s den I fearlessly marched, and I’ll come out roaring
For some reason, this is necessary, perhaps later I’ll know
This seed has landed amongst giants - what motivation to grow!
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