badluckbuttheresstillsunshine

[badluckbuttheresstillsunshine]

― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

[text ID: I need a father. I need a mother. I need some older, wiser being to cry to. I talk to God, but the sky is empty.]

[badluckbuttheresstillsunshine]

D.L. Smith

[badluckbuttheresstillsunshine]

Zainab Aamir

[badluckbuttheresstillsunshine]

Growing up I heard adults tel me constantly that I didn’t have any real responsibilities and that I had no right to speak. But at home I was told I must be responsible no matter my age. As the oldest child I cooked and cleaned from far too young an age. I did the laundry as soon as I was tall enough. I cooked for my father if I wanted to eat while mother was away. I cleaned my room for fear of a beating and sharing with a messy sister meant no matter what a beating. Yes I was the oldest so it was my responsibility. I had to keep clean, cook for father and work all day like a grown woman or man. I had to grow up and be prepared to cook and clean for a strong Christian man. Well I’m here today to tel you I understand I may be stronger now but I didn’t need to be stronger I needed to be happy, healthy, confident and comfortable in my home. I needed security in a place it should have come naturally. I did not need depression and anxiety from that young an age. I did not need gray hair starting to come in from age twelve. I was responsible and now I’m still mature, but it took years for me to get to a place where my maturity was healthy and happy. I have Bipolar disorder from the trauma and abuse and from the genetics which caused me so much pain. Children can have responsibilities but they also need rest and fun. Find a balance and don’t make your kids grow up any faster than they need to.

#oldest #oldest sibling #oldest sister #oldest child #child abuse #abuse survivor #responsibilities #grew up #growing #testament of youth #ex fundie #ex fundamentalist

[badluckbuttheresstillsunshine]

“I’m still learning to love the parts of me that no one claps for.”

—

[badluckbuttheresstillsunshine]

My goal in life is to be able to say every New Year’s Eve that I was concluding the happiest year of my life.

I aspire to make every day greater and every smile bigger and every hug longer.

I can’t believe all the living laughing and loving I did that year.

Maybe I’m cheesy but it doesn’t matter in the end because cheese sometimes makes the dish.

Being cheesy isn’t a bad thing if you’re nachos; and it’s nacho business whether or not I’m ridiculous.

I love to love and I live to live and I aspire to have aspirations and I be to be. Don’t make this more complicated than it needs to be. I am what I am and I will not be what I am tomorrow. I’ll be what I’ll be and I can nourish what I want to flourish and dig out what I don’t want to see again next year in the flower bed.

I choose to enjoy this crazy ride we call life. Thank you for what you choose as your contribution to the collage that is my life, even if that’s nothing substantial if you’re reading this you have run into me at some point even if just on this post.

#life #love life #self love #happiness #happylife

[badluckbuttheresstillsunshine]

Life is hard

And people suck

And in our minds

we get stuck

In all the trash

That people say

And all the things

that we pray

We hold their hand

While they cry

And look at them

But they’ve died

So who am I

When I don’t know

Where I want to go

Countless funerals

Innumerable breakdowns

So I’m just holding on

to the one I know

Will be there wherever I go

I trust but I don’t know

Who I am

Or what I know

#poetry #female writers #my writing #writers #writerscommunity

[badluckbuttheresstillsunshine]

Ya know, purity lessons in church can be really painful… For those who got saved late in life or for those who were SA it’s telling you that you’re less than you used to be for something you had no choice in or simply a choice a different you made. Stop telling people they are worse less than they are just because of things that happen in their past.

#sa survivor #purity #purity culture #it really messed me up #messed up #ex fundie #ex fundamentalist #deconstruction #deconstructing christianity #religious trauma

[badluckbuttheresstillsunshine]

My Life was never lovely picture perfect, even when young my parents didn’t raise me the way I needed to be in my mind. I have chronic illnesses including Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, POTS, and I’m sure some yet to be diagnosed illnesses. I am also quite mentally ill, and have been since I was seven for sure, but my mental illness was never recognized by anyone other than myself because of my family not believing in mental health. I am Bipolar, have anxiety, and have an “extensive trauma history” according to my therapist. Growing up I was SA at seven, then again at ten, and again at 15 twice. I grew up in an emotionally not supportive and quite toxic and abusive environment, and also experienced physical violence, and inflicted physical violence on my younger siblings due to that trauma and also my undiagnosed bipolar symptoms being so unmanageable at that young age. Growing up in my house, we were homeschooled, unconventional, not tech, Christian, and did not get treated by conventional doctors unless it was an ER visit. I at 18 have still never been to the dentist and now as I prepare to move out am having to schedule these types of appointments and begin to find doctors who will actually medicate my issues instead of my illnesses continue to cause me more problems than necessary. I will continue to post about my young life, my health problems, trauma, and any revelations I have that I choose to share. I hope this reaches the people that it can be a help to.

#eds zebra #heds #pots syndrome #spoonies #chronic illness #chronic joint pain #migraines #chronic migraine #child abuse #sa survivor #bipolor #tw depressing thoughts #anxious #trauma #assault #awareness #invisible illness #pcoswarrior #still alive #sewer slide #pots #religious trauma