eiskristallsdiary

[eiskristallsdiary]

Haven't posted here like forever... A lot has happened during the last couple of years. I have finished my masters degree this year and now I have a PhD position, which honestly still seems kinda unreal to me.

But still many ups and downs with my mental health. I've lived through a lot of drama with a person I once considered my best friend and at this point I just don't believe anymore that things can be fixed. She's been so dishonest and disloyal, also she basically said to my face that she won't change her behaviour towards me. Still hurts a lot.

My job is really cool, I have awesome colleagues and a good infrastructure at work, but lately stress is getting to me. I'm starting to feel depressed and anxious again and it honestly scares me a bit because I'm afraid I could get worse. I have made a doctor's appointment now to have my blood checked. Maybe I have a vitamin deficiency that can explain my mental issues. Also my work place offers some kind of psychological support that I might contact soon. It's not therapy, but maybe they can help me before this gets out of hand.

#diary #mental health problems #mental health issues #therapy #phd life #depression #anxiety

[eiskristallsdiary]

I really hate how some people I studied with are acting super woke on instagram at the moment, reposting stuff about outings of people who work for the Catholic church.

I mean, it's great to spread information against homophobia. But the people it's coming from... Just doesn't seem authentic to me at all.

#homophobia #woke people #catholocism #outinchurch

[eiskristallsdiary]

We’re not “just friends,” we’re friends. 

Stop defining friendship as less than romance. Stop defining romance as better than friendship. 

Friendship is enough, friendship is beautiful and fulfilling and good. Friendship isn’t less than. No type of relationship is better than another. 

[eiskristallsdiary]

thinking about how all the adults were absolutely bullshitting when they said that school days are the best days of your life???? like whatever issues i have going on now, i can buy myself little treats like a book or food whenever i want. i feel like im stagnating in my current job so im looking for a new one. imagine if i was bored of school, no one would let me go to a new one. I don’t have to hang out with anyone I don’t want to. being an adult is fuckjng amazing and i was so right to feel trapped as a kid

[eiskristallsdiary]

Obviously there are many things to dislike about adulthood but as someone who grew up in an abusive household for whom adulthood offered the only chance at an escape, it's incredibly important to me that i romanticize adulthood whenever possible because i know there are kids and teenagers like me out there who are seeing nothing but complaints about rent and taxes and the loneliness of living on your own and i know they're going to internalize all of that and assume it means that adulthood won't offer them the freedom and safety they've been dreaming of. So while i never want to minimize the difficulties of being an adult, i also want to highlight how incredibly nice it can be to finally have ownership of your life and your body and your time and money and food and everything else in a way that you never had before. You can choose when you wake up! You can choose what you have for breakfast! You can choose when to go to sleep or if you want to (inadvisably) stay up all night watching tv in the living room! In the living room! You can choose what to watch! These are little things, but they are worth taking pleasure in, and they are worth looking forward to.

[eiskristallsdiary]

friends can break ur heart too

[eiskristallsdiary]

I've talked to my friend today...

We had made an appointment for a phone call (I hate that it's always necessary to make appointments with her). She talked a lot about herself and actually I was a bit annoyed with her. I think she didn't even ask how christmas was. I mean, I didn't ask her either, but she was talking most of the time.

I've come to find her quite annoying, bland and boring. It's just not really interesting anymore, she's always telling the same silly stuff and it's actually quite redundant. And she just keeps on talking, even when I don't really respond to her blabbering.

Also I find it so strange that she doesn't seem to sense at all that something's not right. I'm not really hiding that I'm not exactly excited or pleased to talk to her. But I guess she's just not that empathetic.

I decided to tell her that I'm not feeling too great about our relationship lately and that I really don't like how little time and effort she spends to keep in touch. I told her that I often feel like she doesn't care about me at all.

She assured me that she cares about me a lot and I tend to believe her. But she also said she can't take more time and I have to understand. I understand, I really do, but it doesn't make the situation better for me. It still sucks. I don't need a friend who's always coming up with excuses. After all, it's her choice to prioritize her work and her stupid relationship over everything else. And it's her choice to prioritize friendship so little. She said she just lived through a really busy phase the last couple of weeks, but it's not a phase, it's her lifestyle.

I guess the only choice I have is to either accept how crappy she's treating me or to drop this friendship.

#mental health problems #diary #friendship #best friends #breakup #friendship breakup #toxic relationship #relationship issue

[eiskristallsdiary]

I can't stop thinking about my former roommate who used to be my best friend. We were so close, I really thought nothing could ever come between us. Until something - or someone - did.

I hate to think that a stupid guy was the reason why our friendship ended.

We actually had a conversation about the whole situation. I really believed that she understood why I was so hurt. And I really thought things could be different from then on.

But to be honest - nothing's different. She's unavailable most of the time and if she talks to me, she seems uninterested and doesn't show much empathy. I'm afraid she doesn't even realize how she's acting.

Sure, it's nice to think that she doesn't hurt me on purpose. But still, she's hurting me. Maybe unintentionally, but that doesn't make it hurt less.

I don't know how to go on with this relationship. She seems to think we're close again, but I can hardly think of her as a friend right now. She's not there for me. She pushed my boundaries repeatedly and she doesn't work on her behavior even when I tell her what's bothering me.

I really used to love her, but now this relationship is causing me so much pain again and again. I can't take it anymore. If she cannot understand or doesn't want to understand why her behavior is inappropriate and hurtful, I'm afraid there's no future for the two of us.

#mental health problems #diary #friendship #heartbreak #toxic relationship #relationship #relationship issue #breakup #sadness

[eiskristallsdiary]

I really need to find some good techniques to calm my anxiety

#mental health problems #anxiety #anxiety coping

[eiskristallsdiary]

I'm really struggling with mental health the last couple of days... I don't know, I just can't let go of certain negative thoughts and it's really pulling me down.

University is stressing me a bit - I mean, I'm still in time for all my papers, but I'm in constant fear that somehow I won't be able to manage to get them all done.

And then there's the thing with the girl who used to be my best friend until we got into a big fight. We've talked about what has happened and were friends again, but I wouldn't say we're best friends anymore. At the moment I'm thinking a lot about how much I hate her relationship and hope she and her boyfriend will break up. But I guess that's not gonna happen and also it's not really health for me to spend so much time on this thought?!

But somehow the thought won't leave my mind, or when it does, it comes back...

I don't know, things could be so nice right now... I'm finally settled in this city, so many good things are happening, and yet my brain won't let me be happy.

#mental health problems #depression #anxiety #diary #student life

[eiskristallsdiary]

I'm feeling depressed the last couple of days. Nothing really happened to cause this, but here I am.

I really hope this feeling won't stay much longer.

#mental health problems #diary #depression #depressed

[eiskristallsdiary]

Today was neither really god nor bad. I had hoped to get nine hours of sleep - I went to bed early enough - but woke up early with period cramps so getting back to sleep wasn't really an option.

I managed to get some smaller tasks done today, which is good, and I also worked on one of my paper for university. But I didn't get as far as I had hoped I would.

Later I went to the city (the weather was terrible) because I had an appointment to order customized earplugs. They are expensive, but I really hope they'll do their job.

I also bought some stuff and picked up a present for my brother's birthday, also I brought a birthday card for a friend to the post office. Then I had a zoom meeting which was shorter than expected.

Afterwards, I had an appointment with a guy from a company for financial advice that I had gotten for free. I'm not sure about this whole thing. I mean, the guy had some valid points, but I guess in the end his job is to sell something to me, like some insurance or so. I guess some of the advice is probably quite good, but I'm very sceptical if this company can be trusted. That's probably a good sign not to agree to anything without furthee thought. I'll have another meeting again next week were this guy will present me a personalized financial plan. Let's see how that goes. I guess it can't hurt to get all the information, but I hope there won't be pressure to sign up for anything.

Later, I went to a medieval dance class with a friend, which was actually pretty nice. It lightened my mood a lot!

Now I need to sleep because tomorrow I'll have a rehearsal day wtih the orchestra I'm playing in... I guess the day will be exhausting, but hopefully fun as well. But I'll have a breakfast date beforehand with a person I like, so yay!

Anyway, bye for now!

#diary #student life #stress

[eiskristallsdiary]

I'll try the sleeping thing again, maybe tonight it will work. Tomorrow I'll go get customized earplugs. They cost a fortune, but if I get more sleep with these things, it will be worth the money.

#mental health problems #diary #student life #imsomnia #sleepless #sleep #earplugs

[eiskristallsdiary]

Couldn't sleep again last night so today I am tired the whole time...

Wouldn't be that bad if being tired wouldn't drive up my anxiety level so badly. Being tired and anxious sucks, but what can I do?

I'm trying to get things done now and hopefully I'll get more sleep tonight.

#mental health problems #diary #student life #anxiety #sleepless #imsomnia

[eiskristallsdiary]

I've started to writing To-Do-Lists again to avoid being nervous about forgetting tasks I have to do.

The problem is, I kinda feel bad if I don't get these things done immediately. Although I'm well aware that not all these things have to be done immediately.

#mental health problems #student life #diary #stress

[eiskristallsdiary]

Lately I find it hard to fall asleep and I often dream weird shit... I have a lot going on right now with university, my internship and so many other things I have to think about.

I'm stressed and anxious, therefore I'm having trouble falling asleep and getting rest. But not getting enough sleep leaves me tired and even more stressed and nervous.

I know some breathing techniques and stuff which are supposed to help, but it's hard for me to focus on them and not think about everything I still need to do. I wish it weren't so hard... Would be so lovely if I could just sleep when I'm tired.

Sometimes I wish for some pills to help me calm down and sleep, but I also know this shouldn't be the solution. I mean, therapy would probably help, I know that since many years. But it's not really an option right now because my father would know and I really don't want him to know.

Maybe I'll try to write down my feelings more often, this could probably help a little.

#diary #mental health problems #student life #anxiety #insomnia #tired #therapy

[eiskristallsdiary]

I have more than three month left until the deadline for exams and I'm already struggling with anxiety. Sometimes I really don't know what to do anymore ... I don't know how to deal with this anxiety. Somehow there isn't much I can do and it just comes and goes ...

It's just so exhausting. I could get so much stuff done if it weren't for this stupid anxiety.

#anxiety #mental health problems #diary #student life #anxiety disorder