jenniferdebenoit

[jenniferdebenoit]

While waiting to sit for breakfast at a corner house in a leagues long line that only Portland, Oregon can supply, a man’s OJ era Ford Bronco screamed around the corner. He was listening to Black Sabbath. This is what I felt.

I remember being joyfully hungover and stoned, only to be awestruck upon witnessing a mullet clad American dream grazing the border of his own personal centrifuge.

His Camel cigarette appearing like a light tower jutting from his unshaven, grizzled face like rocky shores being kissed by a heaving ocean. He was dedication, he was hope, he was freedom.

What he failed to recognize, and realistically what we all fail to accurately predict of the future, was the foreboding savagely gut-punched into our ears by his Blaupunkt marching band.

In a bit of irony that only blissful ignorance can afford, he drove into the wild with reckless abandon and foolhardy assuredness just like young Ozzy proclaiming to his physician the accuracy of his vision despite chemical saboteurs to his legitimacy.

All of us high on something.

All of us flying headfirst into the sun.

All of us fallen angels trying in vain to get back to those golden shores as we plummet ever further into the chasm of hell.

#poetry #freedom #american dream #fairies wear boots #black sabbath #camel cigarettes #music

[jenniferdebenoit]

Left with only my own thoughts, she is the only thing that occupies them.

Perhaps it’s selfish, after all this, my longing has not subsided.

How could it? None of these happenstance of our cohabitation fell into disarray by her hand.

She remains on that pedestal for the exact reason she was planted there in the first place, for being perfection.

With great pain, I recognize that the barrier placed between us was the only way I could get right.

As true as it is that there's no perfect circle, all of my healing will never reach completion because I’ll never be right without her.

#i love her #poetry #love poem

[jenniferdebenoit]

I’ve been there, Mr. Fitzgerald.

- F. Scott Fitzgerald (via the minds journal)

#art #books & libraries #literature

[jenniferdebenoit]

I spent so long kicking and screaming for greener grasses, yet I find myself standing in mud.

#poetry #self love

[jenniferdebenoit]

ohhhhhh boycott. i thought you guys were talking about boycunt. yeah. no yeah i'll still see you on the picket line it's just,. sigh......

[jenniferdebenoit]

I had a dream that a boy was beckoning for me to free him. His life was strictly under the yoke of his father, and from what I’d gathered, this father would accept nothing less than perfect adherence to his policies.

The boy had mentioned that his father demanded that his mouth always remain covered. He begged that he might have his mouth uncovered so he might taste the splendor of flavor in his food. His father would have none of it.

The boy also mentioned that the father demanded that his eyes always remain covered. He begged that he might have his eyes uncovered so he might see the splendor of color in his world. His father would have none of it.

After much chicanery behind what I thought was his father's unknowing blindness to his surroundings, he approached me during my poorly hidden attempts to free his son.

He asked me “why are you doing this for my son? Can’t you recognize that my senses are perfectly sharp from experiencing little resistance? Can’t you see why I feel so strongly about this? I have found the true way to live and I will make sure my son experiences the same.”

Then I woke up.

#weird dreams #dream #dream journal

[jenniferdebenoit]

Jennifer - A Scared Little Puppy

The confidence I displayed was chemical. Doubt fuels my every movement to the point of immobility. No longer will I be hoisted up to the wuthering heights of my own imagination, instead settling into the uncomfortable crabgrass of my own scathing spectrum of self - worth. This is what becomes of arrogance undue. This is the byproduct of behaving as if strewn with medallions when in fact no reward had been issued. With all of the posturing and pontificating removed, I am left at my lonesome to face the truth of my existence. Like a little puppy dog, quivering and scared. Lacking the experience needed to make a leader, a compatriot, or a soldier. I approach this new plague of doubt as nothing, not even as Jenn.

#mental health #mental illness #doubtful

[jenniferdebenoit]

A Return to The House on The Hill

They're going to disappear into the rich, racist, Oak shaded enclave accessible by the chosen few through tunnels bored into the hillside. A financial fortress seen jutting out from the sea level streets of East Bay, raining white bred judgment upon the unwashed blue collars of the working class like entrenched Japanese soldiers spraying machine gun fire across the atoll of Iwo Jima. In rapid succession, the lead projectiles saw through the bones of the forwardmost GI promoted to cadaver begins playing sandbag security to his horrified brother in arms laying opposite the agitator, awaiting the inevitable with surprisingly less anxiety than the courier of his demise. Both players in this game fearful for what’s to come, both equally sure of their fate, both ignoring their self preservation instincts, and both believing their performance is morally true and without reproach. It’s from this representation that the conflict of elitism exists. It’s the world in which they have returned. It’s the war they didn’t ask for nor requested to be laborer of its manufacture. They will continue to be the soldier laden in tattered rags, entrenched within the hill, suffering from malnutrition and vitamin D deficiency, cheek perched upon their rifle in preparation for the awaiting charge of the enemy. While physically present and at the ready, they stare longingly through the clouds into the permeating sunlight hoping that they may connect with the ancestors of a simpler time. In their dreams, they finds peace. In their death, they will find the same. In the interregnum, they stands firm with the orders they had been issued. Buried deep among the old bones scattered throughout the shores of the peace that they had ascertained exists past the clouds is where my representation has found a home. Acting as a juxtaposing mirror framed within morbid contrast, my representation also lives in that same peace brought on by mortality. They will continue, as we all will, in attempting to fly above that cloud barrier because just as the pursuit of happiness holds the pursuits of war, so does the elimination of existence hold the completion of peace.

#mental health #elitism #classism #class divide #metaphor #neocolonialism

[jenniferdebenoit]

What an interesting perspective to cry about analyze.

others: trauma

me, an intellectual: p o e t r y m a t e r i a l

#art #writing #poetry

[jenniferdebenoit]

I realized today that i was trying to be greater than the sum of our parts and they wanted to know what I had done for them lately.

I think it’s time to start choosing partners by the value they provide and not my current level of loneliness.

#transadvocacy #partner #self love #self worth #self value #valueadded #teamwork #teammate

[jenniferdebenoit]

“If you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle to others then you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself.”

— Nikita Gill

[jenniferdebenoit]

@podcastwizard Type of gender fluid that tastes like the box wine that your Aunt with a “roommate” drank and produces a hangover that hurts when I flounce and gives me the bedazzled runs.

type of gender fluid where i get to be a guy on public transit and in weed stores but a girl at holiday parties and libraries and something in between when i buy groceries do you understand because i do not

#it is shameful to say but #that sounds nice #genderqueer #genderfluid

[jenniferdebenoit]

Personal from my sketchbook from awhile back

[jenniferdebenoit]

Mawesome OR Mossome. You decide.

Reason to Live #8264

 The softest moss carpeting the forest floor.  – Guest Submission

(Please don’t add negative comments to these posts.)

#reason to live #mental health

[jenniferdebenoit]

Hopelessness

It's a funny feeling that I had never experienced in the past. That feeling where no projected destination nets positivity. Where the only direction to go is downward. I truly understand how a downward spiral perpetuate itself. Pain as it manifests itself as an emotion becomes nothing more than another feeling jockeying for influence in your head along with the others, all of which feel like the pre-orchestrated typeset of another person. Whatever, I guess.

[jenniferdebenoit]

Taking on the world like:

#mental health #relatable #tweet

[jenniferdebenoit]

Healthy me from a dark room in California:

Good heavens, I can’t believe they would agree to such drastic policy regarding human life.

Self-Destructive me in Northern Washington State, standing at the Canadian border:

I need you guys to listen so bad, but I’m at least glad people on Twitter are starting to talk about this. The government of Canada is expanding Medically Assisted Death to cull the poor and disabled, and now suicidal and mentally ill (these are usually interchangeable of course here). It is EUGENICS and every single disabled rights organization is against it.

Disability payments are $1,200 a month. The average one bedroom apartment rent in the Greater Toronto Area (greatest pop. area by far here) is $2,000 a month. People with mental illnesses are on months long waitlists to get even a single publicly funded session. Weeks to get privately funded care which costs at least $200 a session. There is no housing here for disabled people. We are in one of the worst housing crises in the world right now.

Doctors are now offering MAiD unprompted to young suicidal people. This woman is 21, a health practitioner literally suggested she kill herself.

This is one of the worst Disability Rights Violations we’ve ever seen in Canada. The government is killing us because it is cheaper than funding healthcare, cheaper than giving people housing and food and basic human rights.

#mental health #healthcare #mental illness #assisted death