kierancampire

[kierancampire]

[kierancampire]

As a child my dad used to have us watch a lot of different films, Star Wars and The Lord of The Rings were some that I sorta like but not that much, another was Jurassic Park, which I love. But then another was Forrest Gump, we watched it a lot when I was younger even though I didn't understand really much of it

Recently I wanted to watch it again but didn't know how, but I just saw it on Netflix so I watched it! First time I've seen it since I was a child, first time I've seen it being unable to understand it!

I've fallen into a real bad issue of fidgeting and being on my phone, but I just watched it transfixed, didn't touch my phone once, didn't even look at it, and considering I usually move a lot, I think I stayed in the same position the whole time the film was on. I never cried but a few times I got teary eyed, it's such a different film when you can understand it

Though two things I felt watching it as an adult. Firstly, I related to Forrest a lot, doing whatever he's told to do, taking everything literally, talking a lot, being really passionate about different things, not being as smart as other people but having emotional intelligence, I just related to his character. But the second thing is something I have thought a few times when I have gone back and watched things my dad had me watch as a child, it was with Jenny, there's been a few films I've watched where characters have had abusive fathers and they've grown up messed up by them and hated them as adults, and I just don't get how my dad had us watch these things but never connected to it, cause yeah, this isn't the first film this has happened with

It's weird, I can't really say what I loved about the film, and I dunno about watching it again any time soon, but yeah, I can't remember the last time I watched something that had me so focused and so engaged like this did. I don't even feel like I sat there watching it for over 2 hours, I just was entirely invested in it

#personal

[kierancampire]

I'm exhausted but proud haha

For many reasons, the start of each year is really bad for me, but February is by far the worst probably. My mental health tanked, and being completely honest, I haven't really cleaned my flat since January, with either my mental or physical health just inhibiting me. I hated seeing how messy it was, I felt such shame and disgust, but there was just no drive there

Without really planning to, after cleaning the girls litter trays I went a bit crazy! I went around and tidied messes, organised things, sorted out clutter, then I hoovered my entire flat, got into all the nooks and crannies, I deep cleaned my toilet and sink which were in dire need of cleaning, cleaned the walls and the bathroom in general, wiped and cleaned the edges of the windows, watered my plants for the first time in maybe 4+ months, cleaned the kitchen floor, vacuumed the sofa, I did lots! There are still plenty of things that need doing, I could probably do with cleaning my oven and going through drawers and having a clear out, but this'll do for now, my body is killing me and my back is in a lot of pain :')

My mental health has sorta been consuming me again lately, so it feels nice not only to break free from it a lil, but to do these things that have been bothering me a lot the past few months. I love that my flat actually looks cleaner again! Although disturbed and restless, I slept better last night, so I'm also trying to make the most of good nights when my body actually allows a form of sleep

#personal

[kierancampire]

I kept waking up a few times last night, but I was so tired I didn't even check my phone, so it was restless but I still slept throughout the night and until 7 or so. Dick immediately feels itchy so I will check/clean that in a minute

#personal

[kierancampire]

I'm dealing with a new penis issue 🙃

I was going to check on my penis head, which I can't see a thing now, that seems fully healed. When I noticed when rolling back my foreskin back that the area was red and slightly swollen, and throughout the day it's been a bit itchy. Reading up, Google keeps repeatedly suggesting this thing called "Balantis" which seemingly needs a doctor to look at, but just due to my SA/body issues, a doctor seeing/touching my penis is my idea of hell, or it could just be skin irritation like eczema, which I have a history of. The thing is, this either coulda potentially been caused by the mango incident and is an infection, or, this has shown up the day after I had a bath and accidentally put way too much bubble bath in, also stupidly on 3 separate occasions I cleaned under my foreskin with shower gel, and shower gel coming into contact with my penis head has irritated it in the past. I'm just gonna give it a few days to see if it gets better/progresses, as I have no issues with discharge, smell, painful urination, nothing, just the mild swelling, redness, and mild itchiness. I'm hoping it's just the shower gel and cleaning it with warm water will make it go away on its own, an infection/doctor examining it is my hell :')

#personal

[kierancampire]

[kierancampire]

I sorta came crashing down recently, but then I felt I had perked up and was feeling okay again, but then while doing the dishes I just started crying and I have no idea why? :') I hope my body can figure out what the fuck is going on as even I don't know by this point :') It may just be tiredness, insomnia is still being awful

#personal

[kierancampire]

Also I like how this hoodie compliments my eyes :)

#personal #happy #selfie #gay #smile

[kierancampire]

Not to be too horny on main

But you know when a guy has really nice biceps, and I don't mean when he's flexing them, but like, when his arms are just resting by his side or whatever and his shirt is gripping around his arms and his arms have that really nice curve leading to his forearm and it just looks so inviting and makes you wanna caress them? Not gonna lie, she gets a lil wet. Also not to get too Victorian but when a guy takes a shirtless selfie but all you see are his shoulders/collar bone, or like a shirt where you see just the tip of his chest hair poking out of it? Take me daddy I'm yours. Display that ankle and I'm deceased.

#personal #gay #gay men #gayboy

[kierancampire]

For reference, I had tons of issues with his messages, I just thought focusing on the gay part was funny

#personal #gay #gay man #gay men #lgbtq community #lgbt pride #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbt

[kierancampire]

The dumbest creature you'll ever meet

#personal #cat #cats #cute #torties #tortoiseshell cat #tortoiseshell #tort

[kierancampire]

Life's just being one of those fucking days.

So late Wednesday mum asks if I can dog sit on Thursday, I do and it's fine. Then she asks late Thursday if I can also do today/Friday, it annoys me she has asked 2 days in a row, and gave me no notice both times which puts me on the spot, but I agree to do it again. I then come crashing down mentally cause of SA trauma. I then sleep like shit again. I then wake up to find that for some reason someone saw me discussing my SA as an excuse to sex chat me and send me nudes non-consensually. First thing in the morning. Then when I get to mums house, one of the first things that happens is Lola grabs onto Dude's face with her teeth and growls. Then Roxy gives me snuggles and has a flea jump off her, so now I need to try and make sure I don't bring that back. And then, wanting to just escape into my book from everything, I start reading it and literally one of the first fucking scenes is a girl about to get gang raped by men, it didn't happen, but it nearly did. So my book just restarted the fucking circle.

And then it's the fucking weekend so I know my neighbours gonna be blasting music all fucking weekend. I'm just at that point I want to tear my skin off and scream. I feel like any little fucking thing is gonna send me over the edge.

#personal

[kierancampire]

Turkey's cat island park where you'll be surrounded by friendly cats as soon as you sit there.

(Source)

[kierancampire]

What the fuck is wrong with some people?

#personal #vent #venting #rant #ranting #sa #sexual assault

[kierancampire]

Just rambling about the same old stuff

I was talking to a friend about how it's been 4 years since I've been with anyone, not romantically but sexually, though both are true, but it was kinda hard to talk about since, yeah, obviously pretty much every time with Nathan was nonconsensual, and the very last time we did stuff was when he knowingly and intentionally breached my terms of consent

I kinda noticed that online I don't sex chat any more, like, I rarely talk to anyone in general, but I just literally do not sex chat (meaning exchanging a series of nudes/an engaged roleplayesque sexual conversation in private messages) ever, I in fact push anyone away who tries. But I think I started to realise it's because of Nathan, and I guess technically Dave, I just associate sex with pain, so I am against doing it now

Other people always talk about a break in sex as in it's the last time they had fun/got off, and speak about it like it hurts to go so long without and they are dying to have it again. But for me it's a case of stating the last time I was sexually assaulted, and that's all I could think of when talking to this friend, it was talking about the last time I was with someone, but not really, it was the last time my body was used against my will

I hate talking about this, I know no one cares, and I just feel dramatic, I've been going off about the same thing for 4 years now, I need to get over it and move on, I know, I hate any time it upsets me and I vent about it, it's embarrassing, how many more times do I need to talk about this event. But, again, the topics I have beaten to death, but I did go through so much in 2018-2019, then I had the most hardest year of my life in 2020 and that SA was just a small part of it, to then further go through incredibly difficult times from 2021-2023, with virtually no breaks, just an onslaught of shit with multiple severe traumas. And I've just never recovered. I'm not the same person, I'm not capable of what I used to be mentally or physically, every aspect of me took a toll, I changed entirely as a person, and Nathan really was just a huge part of that, and I dunno why, through it all, through everything I went through, for some reason the SA is the one that keeps coming back and hurting me

#personal

[kierancampire]

Well that fucking sucks that someone did that 🙄 Who the fuck goes out of their way to ruin peoples fun and enjoyment? If you don't wanna see shit, block/ignore it, don't report it 🙄 How sad is someone's life that they report a blog to staff to get it removed? 🙄 How do you feel accomplished in that? Hope whoever reported it feels fucking happy and fulfilled 🙄

#personal

[kierancampire]

And on the 7th day, God said "Let there be Swedish Fish" and my pussy was never dry again. I haven't had these in fucking years. They are so hard to find here! But god fucking damn I love them!

#personal